December 6, 2021 • 39 mins
This week’s theme: “Armageddon.” A group of scientists try to save the world, an NFL legend shakes up a family, and a teacher bites off more than he can chew.
Special Guest Contributor Carl Tart is an actor and writer. You may have seen his work on “Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” “Kenan,” “Mad TV,” and NBC’s “Grand Crew.”
IG: @dammitcarl
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Portions of This American Laugh with Aristotle Attari and Andy Harris.
The improvised documentary podcast are brought to you by listeners
like yourself, are esteemed sponsors and the all powerful, all
knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about
to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next
sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our
(00:21):
revered omnipotent Random Sentence Generator. Or more This American Laugh.
Listened to more episodes of This American Laugh. I guess
and now your first random sentence. As the asteroid hurdle Twitter,
Becky was upset at Dennis appointment had been canceled. You've
(00:44):
been trying to get in for over six months and
aching togar mouth. It was the wisdom too, but she
had long left inside of her chompers. I right, cruel.
I want everyone to sound off. Jeremy, are you here? Yes? Scott?
Are you here? Yes? Becky? Okay, you're here, and just
(01:06):
say here please? Yeah, am here is the one here?
Thank you. Listen, team, We've got an asteroid coming sight
for us, and if we don't buckle down and focus, yeah,
my tooth big Becky, this is something that you should
have taken care of on your own. I've added in
the books for six months. You know, nobody tell you
to eat a damn candy? How does the asteroid no
(01:27):
when you have a dentist appointment scheduled the candies there
because that's all you guys have at the food truck. Okay,
we're wasting valuable tyrant. What do you want me to do?
I want you to just say here when I do
roll call, and then I want you to just listen
to my instructions. Is that so hard? Yes? I'm here,
and I wish I wasn't the only dynamite expert in
this group. We need you personally. I wish that you
(01:49):
weren't the only one too. But that's the way that
it is. My tooth, Becky, can you just please, can
you power through the tooth? Please? I'm empowering through a
lot deal. Well, you know what added to we could
talk about this offline whatever we're done knocking this asteroid
out of the sky. What does the offline mean for you?
We're talking like now in front of people. I talk
about like sidebar, Yes, a sidebar. This arguments, this is
(02:11):
derailing the subject. Sure is all right, here we go.
First thing we're going to do is do you have
the dynamite ready at least Becky, Yeah, my job. Okay,
we're going to gather the dynamite. We're going to put
it inside the missile, and then we're going to a
much straight up. I thought, beck A, what's wrong? No,
continue what you're gonna say? You just like you don't
know what we're gonna do, do you. We're passing it
(02:32):
along to me. Of course, Fish, you're gonna said, we're
gonna do it. We're gonna the missile. I think you asteroid.
I thought I was going to throw a piece of
dynamite at the asteroid. That's what the whole plan was.
I know, I played a little ball in color. You
could throw dynamite all the way up to a fast
roid could when I was in college. That's the plan,
because that buys me another three weeks, get my tooth.
(02:56):
Thing we droned have two or three weeks. Yes, Lang
right towards the earth currently. I know that, Dale, we
all know that. But if he can, if the aster
gets close enough for him to throw the dynamite at it,
then they're the problem is solved. Duh, that's highly unusual,
highly irregular, and highly unorthodox. Highly none of those things
(03:18):
they've made, like four movies do about the same thing.
Throwing dynamite and an asteroid back. I think that that's
throbbing tooth for yards. It's really kind of breaking your focus.
You're mis remembering what's happened in movies throughout history. Misogynistic
if you ask me, well, you never told me I
misremembered anything. I just remember all the time. Misogynistic. Alright,
the only person you remember misremembering is me, Becky, not
(03:41):
you Dale, not me Scott Peterson. I just want to apologize.
I don't need apology has anytime. Once we knocked this
asteroid out of the sky, Scot throwing the dynamite, were
tempting to throw the dynamite. Becky had he is number one,
they've world at number two. As the weeks went on,
(04:02):
they promised to take care of the lining asteroid. Kept
delaying and delaying so that she can get in the
doctors up. I think, get the tooth thing care of.
I'm gonna get it done, okay. But we got lucky
because the asteroids circumnavigated the Earth and it stayed in
the sky temporarily a little longer than we interseparated. That's
part of my plan originally. Are we still here? Like,
(04:26):
that's part of my plan is to survive? Are we
still here? Thank you? A little misogynistic, a little bit,
A little bit, you know what, I could call out
the man too. You promised that you were going to
throw the dynamite up to the sky and knock that
asteroid out of the sky. Need to convinted around the world.
It's like I said it would. Thank you, Scott Peterson.
(04:47):
You woke about a dollar for every time I heard
someone out of the words thank you. Scott Peterson, you
have six dollars anyway. All right, well listen, the asteroid
is coming towards us again. Yeah, so what is your plan?
My plan is, when it gets into the orbit within
throwing range of Scott's arm, we're gonna throw the dynamite.
(05:07):
It's gonna be wrapped around a football and he's gonna
throw it right down the middle and then you know,
and I'm a detonate from here. Okay, Now, way, we
don't have to spend so much money on radio detonation
because now it's just gonna be within distance, like a radio,
like a race car, like a little RC race card.
But it's gonna be like a poem that blows up. Look,
(05:28):
I gotta go get my teeth, take care of fine.
Two days later, so back, we're gonna cram all that
galls in your mouth. I thought, well, zagines there, How
how was that you never supposed the question how much
(05:50):
galls a woman? Hasn't I read this book called Lean In,
and even though it's a book for women, it taught
me a lot about things too. That's why I keep
calling you out, sir. It's not York numbers now much.
This is this American lab. I mean, I was sorry
(06:11):
with producer Andy, especially against contributor for this episode is
Harold Tart and our show. We're using a trustee sentence
generator to bring you a story and react. This week's
name Armageddon. It was us Act one. She could hear
(06:37):
him in the shower, singing with the joy she hoped
he'd retain after she delivered the news, which was that's
so great. He's been holding onto this bad news for
at least a week until she was ready to give
it to him. And then there he was listening from
the shower dripping wet Shady gave him the dude the
happiest man on earth. That's me. Yah, we need to talk.
(07:05):
That was that too? Okay? It bad? Good song? Okay, um,
it's under mine. But you remember that trip that I
went on with Michael Friend to Detroit to Detroit. Yeah,
do you remember I said that I was a big
Detroit Lions fan. Yes? And then you remember when I
went to the Detroit Lions fand Club party. Oh the
party that was that was organized by the president of
(07:26):
the Detroit Lions stand club Detroit Lions. But Herr Sanders.
Did he sign your football? He did more than just
sim I have no he signed your Detroit Lions pennant.
Oh that's great, dude. Did you keep it? But he
didn't fold it up? Did you? Because it's worth less
if it's folded. He did more than just signed my
Detroit Lions. Then did he take a selfie with you
and Rebecca? We took some selfies and yeah, Rebecca was there.
(07:49):
Well can I see him? Did you post them there online?
It's in your phone, It's on a website, which is
another part of the thing that I have to tell you. Okay,
just tell me the website. I'm gonna log in right now.
Watch the video. So it's w W W okay w
n A S dot No, I'm giving you all t
now www dot oh yeah, thank you. W go ahead
(08:15):
www dot n A S T Y M A g
I E dot um c U M nasty Maggie dot com.
Wait a minute, I'm nasty, Maggie. That's the whole life,
be living, Maggy. Sorry, no, you know what. This might
be self tortured, but I want to see what's on
(08:35):
this website. Go for it. Get on the website. You
have a credit card? Can I borrow you credit card?
Real quick? No, you got to use yours. My credit
card is all the way in my wallets over by
the flowers that I got you, the welcome home flowers.
He decided, great card walked all the way to the flowers,
and it's wallet that is gred card all the way
back taft in all the numbers. It was a long
(08:56):
Discover card number. And he charged himself body nine ninety
nine a month in a right. I can't believe that
you got to meet Barry Sanders. What was he like?
You're not not about this? I mean yes, I'm curious,
(09:17):
But what is he like? Just tell me he's nice.
He's while I packed my things. You tell me what
he was like. He was nice, he was very gentle, tender,
he was and he was very wrong. Somebody's at the door.
You know what? Put a pin in that. I'm not
I get that reaction every time, Mr Sanders, welcome. Please.
I gave in our address because I don't know if
(09:38):
you write the comments of the videos, people really liked it.
That's how I pay for our home. Is there going
to be a part two of the video? That's what
he's here for. I also brought you a box of
fresh peaches from a fruit stand side of the road.
Did you tell them I love peaches? I did. You're
a good listener, You're so thoughtful, but you're still in trouble,
young lady. Do you mind if I cut one of
(09:59):
these up. I'm a little hungry. It's been a long
ride in Detroit one too. Yeah, you do some comfort
food right about now? What do you keeping knives in
the knife drawer? That's the third one from the left
that I was gonna have to guess I can went
from the right. Quod Scenarios, then named Kevin have you
just established now sitting with his wife's leather eating peaches?
(10:23):
The shock he was okay with being what they call that?
Is that a cut? Cold? Is that what it's called?
You might produce it, Andy, Oh, yes, yes, that is
what that's called. Cold. Yes, I don't know if you're
much of a cheese guy, but peaches with virata and
a little bit of basil. Delicious. He is a lovely man,
but that doesn't make it any less less hurtful. I'll
(10:44):
tell you what Barry Sanders before you tell me? Huh?
Do you think heartbreakingly delicious? So there's another part of this.
So we were wondering if you would be interested and
also investing in his restaurant. No, no, I'm not going
to invest it. What kind of restaurants? Is standard American affair?
With an Italian twist? Oh? Those are my two favorite jobs.
(11:06):
Tell him the name? Oh, yes, okay, I'm passing it
off to you. Yeah, I'm Barry's Bootcamp. Barry's Bootcamp, Yeah,
a little bit. Oh it legally because there's another Berry?
Is there? Is there's another Berry? Is there? Barry Obama?
Who runs the other one? And you would be a
majority owner? Really at least, at least, that's how kind
(11:28):
I am. Very least. It's the least I could do
after what I did to your wife on camera several times,
which is earning us money. Yeah. Hi, um, I am
formerly the husband of the bride um who was invited
here to uh to make a toast. Wow. I never
thought this day would come say something. Rebecca, Rebecca my
(11:50):
ex wife, nasty Maggie's I'm sorry, right, nasty Maggie. I
can't believe you did this. But if there had to
be somebody that you did this with, I'm just glad
it was Hall of Fame running back former Detroit Lions
star Bear Sanders. Somebody cutting onions in here because I'm
getting teary eyed. Hey, you've become one of my best
friends over this process. Me. No, no, no, no, no,
(12:13):
we've we've shared so much, so many things, so many women. Also,
I am catting onions asking me Sandy, Yeah, you hired
me because I wouldn't American restaurant with a tun of Swiss. Yes,
that's the chef. Thank you so much. I'm going back
to it, coming back, and I want what if I
started not ba? Oh my god, you don't remember me
(12:35):
telling you do not to cot to the onion in
the front of the guests, across proximity to the guests,
and now you got them crying and complaining about he's
also my most you've keeping a foot in the kitchen.
You guys, okay, no, do you want to start to
do my job. I didn't know this was gonna turn said,
I want to apologize, and I behaven beneath you. I
(12:57):
tell him many times not to go ahead and chopping up.
I didn't front the guests in close proximity to the
but but you do it anyway. I actually like it.
One thing that I like represented at my wedding is
Italian hard work. Thank you. I'm come do this country
with nothing in my pocket but a thousand dollars. That's it.
And that's not a ton of money. And it's not
(13:19):
that's a lot of money here nothing in New York.
Not in New York. You can run out of that
money at any time. Oh yeah, it's most diffinite. Because
I also love to go to the ship clubs. It's
a problem. That's a problem. It's a problem, which is
why I have a job now so that I can
work on the photonomy sound it's got an onions and
avoid going to strippers. You like strip clubs, you like work,
(13:42):
Why not work a strict club? Why not working a
strip club? I never thought a diese. The buffet is
at the strip club. It's a very onion heavy food
most of the time. And the way you cut those onions.
And I know you can do other things. I hired
you at my restaurant. You know other things I canna
do well. I love your Italian hamburger, Thank you so much.
What got me the joba? Yes? I love your Italian pizza,
(14:04):
which is Italian American style pizza with the American cheese
and the catch up and the lunchables the lunch Yes,
the lunchables pizza, Yes, yes, love that. That also goes
to me. The jobra. That's what did it for me.
When you laid out all those plates. I said, I
wought this guy at Barry's Bluecap. Yes. I think we
could go into business together. And I've got a person
(14:26):
who would love to invest in this business. It's my
old buddy who used to be married to my wife.
As long as I can have at least a fifty
one percent share in the company, I will follow you
into the gates of help. Mr Barry Sanders, I'm about
fifty two percent. He's a confusing love triangle, butter like it.
This is the greatest and also the worst day of
my life. Mr Bud, Please this is going to work
(14:49):
for me to go to street Club. You'll be working there,
so you can come out and tars onions at all
the ladies. Alright, alright, come out on the s got
some man, get those that those highly higging them high,
and I'll get those audience highly get the first. He
(15:10):
loves the way con siptually. It's a really good the idea. Yeah,
I love the idea. Come, I like a quart onions.
Many onions are throwing sack like that. It's a problem.
I can't cut the audience. And that's a fast what
when we first went into this business together, you told
(15:32):
me that you could cut onions faster than anybody this
side of the Italian Mississippi or so I like it.
I can't cut you out now because we actually went
into this business together, and I do have steak legally.
I know you bought the building to hide all the
girls a lot of win into this concert, which to
me was ready paper thin. If you ask me, But
I win with it because it's just three purts, And
(15:53):
I said, okay, strip Away where you cut onions and
put ingredients of subway sandwiches on the cut the curse alright,
That was welcome to strip Way. And uh, first of all,
I want to apologize for some my anthers onions coming
in so cold. I apologize on Belicio's behalf for his
(16:15):
inability to get those us on the stage faster. Nah,
I've been assured by Anicio that Cassandra comes up, He's
gonna up on the stage as fast as you have.
Our seas always a gentleman. Put your hairs together and
get those always high on the air for the sound.
Ram trying to be rolling this right, but find using
(16:36):
there the old old line in the work you sids
fine makes you offline for just a minute. Sure, what
the hell, man, cod don't you what's up? Todd? But
I thought that you said that you were going to
go help. You're going to practice awesome thuds on the stage.
You're gonna get the stage licking sweat. You're told me
was the problem, Lisa time. The oldest flow was all
(16:59):
objects faster. That was welcome to strap Way. When the
girl's getting free longer, longer, longer, like me might say,
(17:20):
I was to my wol ceo faster than I could say, Well,
these name Malco. He's the first time, I'm the last time.
I'm sorry, I'm beat off for more than that. Control
I'll go okay, I stay God, God, thank God, Okay.
(17:48):
Coming up back to the first the word from our
esteemed sponsors, stay with us, act to the interview. Thank
(18:09):
you for coming, Thank you for having me, Army, this
is great. How long have you been listening to the show.
I've been listening to the show since I first received
the episode, which was when August of I think I
heard him. Do you remember what happened in that episode?
It happened? What happened in that episode? Your favorite? Your
favorite part of that episode? Let me thank you. Let
(18:30):
me think that episode I heard three bears putting on
a show. Are you talking about like the animatronic bears? Yeah?
I think we have that in our archives. It is
yet is pretty rock and roll rock. Are you ready
to rock it roll? Wait a minute, have you seen
(18:52):
our least player? Hello? Boom boom boom booming. I'm firstday birthday.
It wasn't a very good. Now it wasn't make much sense.
(19:15):
It's a little I made that episode. I was anybody
that about Yeah, tell us about yourself but from I'm
from Pascagoula, Mississippi originally, but I grew up here in
Los Angeles, California, but part of California West l A. Nice.
When I clean you're a comedian, I am. Tell us
about your comedy background. I started at the Second City
two years, uh, and and then I went over to
(19:36):
UCB performing there for a while. Nice performed in Amsterdam
for a while with this group called Boom Chicago, very
very well renowned Boom Chicago. Yeah, sure, I love it.
I love that. One of the best in the world,
the second best besides us. Yeah. Uh, how long will
you in Amsterdam? Just for one year? Did you partake
in any of that? Any of the accoutrem all he
(19:57):
describes movie for us, Dutch food is pretty disgusting. There's
women there, there's the red light district. There's coffee shops
that serve marijuana. What's the red light? What does that mean?
I did not partaking any of that. Number One, the
marijuana is better in Los Angeles, Yes, really, Oh absolutely,
Reggie over there, mid we we actually have you trying
(20:18):
some of the marijuana in Amsterdam in our archives. Yeah, alright,
let's here. I'm Dutch person, so this is me giving
him marijuana. Alright, let's try I help you like it? Now,
Hold on, yo, Yos is your name? My name is Yos? Yes,
now you know, yes, that I'm from California, California. You're
(20:38):
telling me earlier almost Snoop Dogg, most Snoop Dogg. And
you said you grew up in West Los Angeles, Los Angeles, California.
I don't serve me no bullshit as wet. Okay, just
going to your hired dofter, and Peter's going too, I
know before. Yeah, okay, you better blow my head off.
(21:02):
It off your head. This is called nighttime Armageddon, and
it will blow your head clean off of your buddies.
And it's like what do you call in the counter,
maybe whichever one is the scarier one. This is what's
time released hybrid. So it starts out with some indica, yes,
and then by the time your sleep again. Okay, all right,
(21:25):
let's see here we go. He did it? Do we
need to call line one one? Absolutely not? What she
was weak man? Wow, I'm telling you now that I'm
not appreciate this your attitude about our marijuana here. Business
(21:46):
has been here for a long time. We should give
him this stronger one. Give it to me. One is
called sweet fancy Christ Christ Christ Christ May will blow
your head clean off of your shoulders into the street,
and you will have to run into street togather your
(22:09):
head and put it back onto your body. That is
how we go another week one? Now, what is going
on over here? What is going on with you? I'm
an American. I think that we should give him the
strongiest one we have fellas. I don't think he's working
out here. Let me just get one of these strope
(22:30):
waffles and milk. I don't want to try the third one.
We can try it. We can try it. I won't
be rude. I won't be rude because I know what
you'll think about Americans they started. One is called rancid face,
runsid face. It will blow your head. You will be
launching your head into the skies and you will have
(22:52):
to get in a spiceship and go up to the
sky and get your head. And then you will have
to take the head and put it big you want,
don't hear me out. All right, you will have to
retrieve your head. You would double check nic shut at
your head and not somebody else's who may have also
(23:12):
tried ransom face. But then you see, yes, this see
is my head. You come back to art, you put
it back on your it's very strong. Try it all right,
there you go. Oh this ship stinks and it was
like rancid face. All right, once again, my head is
still on my body. Music clear that the lead that
(23:33):
was being sold that this we cafe wasn't anywhere close
to what Carl Tird had had in west End. That's
what we're as I was training it at. Yeah, yeah,
so Carl, tell us more about your escapades as a comedian.
That was the most interesting experience I have. But since then,
you know, written on a couple of shows run on
Matt TV. You know a few people maybe, but y'all
(23:56):
know you know, uh Colton done, yes, call and done.
This is my guy. Very good guy, have very funny,
very good guy, very funny. I wrote on Ghosted and
with Craig Robinson and Adam Scott wrote on Brooklyn nine nine.
For a while, I wrote on I added you even
hear about us? How to hear about y'all. Yeah, I've
(24:17):
been wanting to get on this show since I heard
it for the first time. I didn't want to be here.
I have been as soon as I heard this, I said,
I need to be there to tell my story. What
are you waking on these days? I just got done
with the Keenan Show Keenan starring Keenan Thompson, Chris Red. Yeah,
you know those got those couple of dudes and uh,
(24:39):
then I I just filmed my own show that I'm
an actor on, called Grand Crew, which will be on
Tuesday nights on NBC starting in December fourteen. Previous guest
for that show, Yes, Break is the home Girl. I'm
very impressed. I feel like you're the most qualified guests
we've ever had. Oh, that's nice of you to say
(24:59):
on the show. You do that all kinds of wow. No, no,
it slight. Those people they're really great. I don't remember who.
Any of them are definitely more qualified than me. That's
hoping to be able to make this about myself. You
usually do, do you have any hobbies? Hobbies? Okay, this
this is gonna be this is exclusive. I haven't talked
about this because but It's been a hobby that I've
(25:20):
been doing for a long time. I started it right
before the pandemic. I am a DJ nice and uh
also I do a lot of podcasting and I like
to play basketball and baseball. I used to like to
play football, but and that is addie like doing the
DJ and thing. It's really fun. What kind of music
do you usually play? You know? I am a big
fan of nineteen eighties like R and B, A wave
(25:43):
style music. I don't like my brain into like techno
kind of like have its music, you know, I just learned.
I just recently completed the house level at the DJ
school I go to and it was very very hard,
and it was it was very it was very hard.
It was very hard level. So I don't think I'm
gonna be spending no house music because like that, trying
to match the beats, be matching in the house is
(26:04):
tough because a lot of them don't have steady bp
ms and also they don't have like you know, like
in a hip hop song on R and B song
or country song or rock song. You got your eight,
you're sixteen and eight, and you know where to you
know where to beat match, you know where to drop
in you know where do that type of stuff with
the house music. A lot of those songs don't have you.
It's really about listening and mapping out the song the
(26:25):
house and I don't. I'm I'm lazy. Who is your teacher?
His name is DJ Red Maddock. He's one of the
world famous be junkies. Is that for the house music?
That's wrong? And also DJ Dynamics that we actually have
your DJ school your exam for the mixing house music.
Apparently there's a you had a classmate use trying to
(26:46):
cheat on your on your tests. We have that we
have Yeah, okay, hey what are you doing for your tests? Hey?
Eyes on your own turntables? Dude, whatever, Dude, listen, man,
I just want to know, like, look, my parents put
me in this. This is my last chance. If I
don't do well in this class and or just school,
I get kicked out. I'm going straight to skateboarders school, man,
(27:09):
And I don't want that. That seems like to fit
more your vibe. Why why don't you want to do that?
Because I don't want I don't want to go to
skateboarder school. Kidding me, that's for losers. I want to
be a teacher. Listen, man, you can't copy off of
what I'm doing. I'm already struggling with this level very much.
Excuse me, less chit chatting, moss, studying faws and beat
(27:30):
matching test. Thank you, teacher Frouds like sacking asshole. Yeah,
I can't stand her. She's she's terrible, but she's really
talented though, thank you. Also, her ears are insane, her ears,
she hears everything that no, I'm look at my dog, dude,
(27:50):
because I need to be original. Okay, I tried to
pick four songs that nobody else will pick in this class.
Originality is a fucking concepts not even real, dude. Have
you ever seen her that YouTube videos called everything is Remixed?
What am I hearing? I am hearing whispering. You think
I don't hear it, but I hear it study fussy
(28:12):
bit matching exam. Dr. Yes, I got a question for you.
How have you maintained this level of hearing after being
in so many clubs for all these years and with
all those loud speakers. You hear everything that's your deals
like you just kiss ask and let's say you get
all good grades. So stop it. I'm not kissing nobody's ass.
Can I just say, Carl? This is your name, right, Carl?
(28:32):
That's it. I really appreciate students like you. You could
all stand to take a page from Carl's playbook. Kiss up, study, hard,
matches it beats, get out, listen, talk. I talk to
you over here for us. You just made me think
of something. Shot the Dark you want to like grab food? Sometimes?
(28:52):
I thought you'll never ask. I know it's inappropriate. We
can wait until I graduate. It is frowned pan to
today students during the term. However, once you graduate we
can do with move on. How old are you Saturday nine? Okay?
Do I look older? I mean yeah? Your vibe is
(29:15):
older than that? Is it? Yeah? And I'm a bit
of a gray chaser. Well I've got good news for you.
There is some gray. Three months later, Hello, Hi, I
need to talk to Mrs DJ Froud teacher teacher frown
This is DJ Froud teacher fraud speaking. Who may I
(29:36):
for me? Asking? Who is calling me? My name is
Leslie Tart. You know who I am, ma'am shotting the Dark?
Are your related pool? I'm caring? Carl? Yeah, no, what
is this about? Are you having sex? With my son.
(29:56):
Currently the answer is no teacher a pen into jail. Wow,
that was yeah, called what should we look out for
beside the TV show? My group, The Big Team will
be at sketch Fest. We are formerly known as white Women.
We are now called the Big Team. Will be at
sketch Fest on January eight at the Gateway Theater in
(30:18):
San Francisco, San Francisco sketch Fest. Why did I say that?
S F sketch Fest, San Francisco sketch Fest January eight,
ten p m. At the Gateway Theater. So you're gonna
be in that area. Pull up bonus like Sketch Fest,
but also watch Grand Crew Tuesday nights at eight o'clock NBC.
Grand Crew Tuesday nights, NBC eight pm, seven seventh be there.
(30:38):
Thank you called Tight for taking the time to h
come to our studio and grace us with your presidents.
Thank you for having me. Who are you texting right now?
Nobody coming up? Act three, But first the word from
our sponsors who make this high quality program possible. Stay
with us. At three. He had a vague sense that
(31:13):
the cheese gave birth to dinosaurs. At least this was
the logic. He was running with you just got in
a job as a history teacher. Didn't have any credentials.
He lied on his transcripts in his resume. But yeah,
there he was eating seventh grade history. Alright, class, we're gonna, oh,
we're gonna get started. Let's see seventh grade history. I
(31:35):
think this day would come. You're sweating a lot. Mr
t Please you can call me h, Mr terrenceman Um,
Mr Chen, these aren't warm. Those aren't warm. In January
warm in here, pretty warm. So you got sweat stains
in your pitts and your because I'm warm. I just
(31:57):
can't believe you fellows aren't warm. It's warm. Mr Freezing. Yes, yes,
I can't go to bathroom. Um, I don't know, can you? Yeah?
I canna go to bathroom to please? Oh? Why why
do you both have to use the bathroom in the
same Wait, you're not you're not trying to skip class
because I see him a little green? Are you? Are you?
That's not why we're trying to skip plays. No, he
(32:19):
said skip class. I actually have to go to bathroom.
I'll tell you what. Let me let me get through
the first first couple of minutes of my lesson. I'm
gonna go use the bathroom while you do that first
part of this and then what Yeah, well that's not
what I said that. Wait where you going? No, don't
don't no, don't go, Please don't go. If you let
him go, I gotta go. Can I talk to you
up here at my desk for just one moment? Class, everybody,
(32:40):
just hang tight, real quick, real quick, just gonna have
a little combu station with here with my with with
your fellow student here. What is it, Mr Tarance? Okay, listen,
I don't have much time. What kind of things are
you expecting a history teach you to teach you on
a day like today? Well, of course today is dinosaur
day and I needs to know where they came from
(33:00):
because I just can't understand it. How did they get here?
I know we came dinosaurs. Dinosaurs came from? Thank you
like to see? Please gonna get started, I said, I
gotta go to the bathroom. I gotta I'll let you,
I'll let you go, I'll let you go in just
R Tarnce all right? Today dinosaurs you're so so scary, right,
(33:21):
so scary? Where did dinosaurs come from? How did they
get made of? Dying? Oh? Hello, go down one second class. Everybody,
just thank tight to somebody said the Mr Terence can
stay outside. Get class one moment. Okay, I'm gonna continue
my my compelling lists. Don't worry. He's not in trouble.
(33:42):
Oh he gets to leave, but I can't go to
the mass morta. Don't messing me right now? All right,
fair enough, sit down, Please don't hassle Martinez. He's really
helping me out of a jam today. Yes, Mr Galvinston,
what can I do? When I hired you to be
a history teacher here? You told me you went to Harvard,
You told me you went to Dinosaurs School, and you
(34:02):
don't know anything about anything. And we've been watching from
from afar. We you know, we do have cameras in
the classes, so we have been watching the lesson plans
that you're putting out. Alright, listen, education in history not
be rushed, okay, and has to be eased into by
the student. And that's what I'm doing. I'm easing into
the day's lesson. Just because I'm not covering everything right
(34:25):
away doesn't mean I don't know what I Listen to me,
Mr Karen Tower, do you got a week to get
these students into shape. That dinosaur test is coming. If
they don't score above what they're supposed to score as
the district requirements. As far as there are dinosaur education,
you're out of a job, you understand. And then I
gotta put these kids, and I gotta put them back
in the grade of there and which is seventh grade.
(34:46):
In seventh grade, corent Eton out. Okay, we cut to
that exam. It's easy, easy, it is. You taught us
everything we need to know. Justsur dinosaurs came from tree.
The sap nutted out of the tree and created dinosaur.
That what I said, You told us what I told,
you said the tree that it sap okay created I
(35:10):
don't think. Oh god, Mr Gason, we got the results
of all the test. Look, the kids scored tremendously well, Sands,
this one kid Martinez, We're gonna just completely Agnorea one,
but everybody else. But here's the problem. Yeah, we think
they cheated. Yeah, no, there's no way these kids know
(35:31):
that much about dinosaurs. They clearly cheated, and we think
you helped them. There's a district representative you're with me
to Mr Schwartzman Swatch Mgnaia District and representation again. I
talk to you guys for a second. Which one both
of you in the district representative? Yeah? Mr Gason and
Mr Swartzman. My name is Alfredo Martinez. Yeah, we know
(35:52):
who you are. Oh great, hey, watching you for a while. So.
I know it's a little early, it's only seventh grade,
but I'm really interested in going to college, really, and
I feel like, thanks to the teaching that I've gotten
from Mr Terrence Howard, that I can do it. I
want to skip high school. Son, Do you have any
idea to kind of tests? We have the proctor for
you to take that into consideration. I'm ready for it.
(36:12):
I'm telling you ask me any question in the world,
I'll give you the answer. Mr Martinez, a feet on mine.
I'd like that kind of sidebar speak, offline with the
principle for just one moment, right on, mind, I'll be
doing a beat on this lockers. Listen to me, says Listen.
We get this kid's numbers up and he gets past
(36:35):
high school, that's gonna boast that whole district. That will
finally get the government fund and we've been looking for.
The school's future is gonna hinge on Martinez I think
it might. Can you imagine the accolades this school would get? Ready, listen,
my teams can here. What's up, y'all. We're gonna help
you out here. Tell me how about doing what we're
gonna help your cheat. I don't need to do that, man,
(36:56):
my teacher, Mr Terence out you can do it on
your own. I've been telling you to ask me a question.
You know how smart I am. Okay, ask him the
questions that are gonna help him skip the grade. It's
pretty simple, okay. Question number one? How many millions of
years ago? Was the Cretaceous Period? The Crustaceous period took
place in nineties seventy six when they started olive garden.
(37:20):
Several things about what he said? Incorrect? Question number two?
What caused the annihilation of the entire species of dinosaur?
The trees nutted and the nut was too strong for
the dinosaurs, But they was drinking. It sounds logic to me.
I mean, I know, but I think it might have
actually been aster asteroid? All right? Every morning meeting your
(37:49):
mouth healed? Yeah, asteroid coming right at us. That's offensive.
Question ask one, it's not asking actually her mouse is okay,
it's to sexually suggest hold on to get the door
I've knocked on with you. He's a little I don't
know if you guys know me and recognize me. My
name is Barry Sander, Hall of Frame running back from
(38:12):
I don't watch film in the flesh Sanders. How can
I be your service? I just wanted to come in
because I heard you guys were doing some very great
work involving an asteroid that's coming to earth. Yeah, I
got a business proposition for you. What a strip club
the serves moon Rock. You know, it's like souvenir right
called Alma scripting. As long as I can have a
(38:34):
fifty two percent to stay, we can talk about that. Also,
the women never exposed their arms arms strip then Mary Santors,
I love that idea. Would you like to have sex
with my wife? I thought you never? I gotta and
I dared Andy and then especially gets contributor because I
mean sorry, And this was this American laugh with Air
(38:56):
Salitary and Andy hairs China's thanks time. This American laugh
with Aristotle Attari and Andy Harris can be found wherever
you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review.
You can also find us on Instagram at this American laugh,
and on Twitter at American Laugh with three hes. It's
American laugh with three hes.
Portions of This American Laugh with Aristotle Attari and Andy Harris.
The improvised documentary podcast are brought to you by listeners
like yourself, are esteemed sponsors and the all powerful, all
knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about
to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next
sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our
(00:21):
revered omnipotent Random Sentence Generator. Or more This American Laugh.
Listened to more episodes of This American Laugh. I guess
and now your first random sentence. As the asteroid hurdle Twitter,
Becky was upset at Dennis appointment had been canceled. You've
(00:44):
been trying to get in for over six months and
aching togar mouth. It was the wisdom too, but she
had long left inside of her chompers. I right, cruel.
I want everyone to sound off. Jeremy, are you here? Yes? Scott?
Are you here? Yes? Becky? Okay, you're here, and just
(01:06):
say here please? Yeah, am here is the one here?
Thank you. Listen, team, We've got an asteroid coming sight
for us, and if we don't buckle down and focus, yeah,
my tooth big Becky, this is something that you should
have taken care of on your own. I've added in
the books for six months. You know, nobody tell you
to eat a damn candy? How does the asteroid no
(01:27):
when you have a dentist appointment scheduled the candies there
because that's all you guys have at the food truck. Okay,
we're wasting valuable tyrant. What do you want me to do?
I want you to just say here when I do
roll call, and then I want you to just listen
to my instructions. Is that so hard? Yes? I'm here,
and I wish I wasn't the only dynamite expert in
this group. We need you personally. I wish that you
(01:49):
weren't the only one too. But that's the way that
it is. My tooth, Becky, can you just please, can
you power through the tooth? Please? I'm empowering through a
lot deal. Well, you know what added to we could
talk about this offline whatever we're done knocking this asteroid
out of the sky. What does the offline mean for you?
We're talking like now in front of people. I talk
about like sidebar, Yes, a sidebar. This arguments, this is
(02:11):
derailing the subject. Sure is all right, here we go.
First thing we're going to do is do you have
the dynamite ready at least Becky, Yeah, my job. Okay,
we're going to gather the dynamite. We're going to put
it inside the missile, and then we're going to a
much straight up. I thought, beck A, what's wrong? No,
continue what you're gonna say? You just like you don't
know what we're gonna do, do you. We're passing it
(02:32):
along to me. Of course, Fish, you're gonna said, we're
gonna do it. We're gonna the missile. I think you asteroid.
I thought I was going to throw a piece of
dynamite at the asteroid. That's what the whole plan was.
I know, I played a little ball in color. You
could throw dynamite all the way up to a fast
roid could when I was in college. That's the plan,
because that buys me another three weeks, get my tooth.
(02:56):
Thing we droned have two or three weeks. Yes, Lang
right towards the earth currently. I know that, Dale, we
all know that. But if he can, if the aster
gets close enough for him to throw the dynamite at it,
then they're the problem is solved. Duh, that's highly unusual,
highly irregular, and highly unorthodox. Highly none of those things
(03:18):
they've made, like four movies do about the same thing.
Throwing dynamite and an asteroid back. I think that that's
throbbing tooth for yards. It's really kind of breaking your focus.
You're mis remembering what's happened in movies throughout history. Misogynistic
if you ask me, well, you never told me I
misremembered anything. I just remember all the time. Misogynistic. Alright,
the only person you remember misremembering is me, Becky, not
(03:41):
you Dale, not me Scott Peterson. I just want to apologize.
I don't need apology has anytime. Once we knocked this
asteroid out of the sky, Scot throwing the dynamite, were
tempting to throw the dynamite. Becky had he is number one,
they've world at number two. As the weeks went on,
(04:02):
they promised to take care of the lining asteroid. Kept
delaying and delaying so that she can get in the
doctors up. I think, get the tooth thing care of.
I'm gonna get it done, okay. But we got lucky
because the asteroids circumnavigated the Earth and it stayed in
the sky temporarily a little longer than we interseparated. That's
part of my plan originally. Are we still here? Like,
(04:26):
that's part of my plan is to survive? Are we
still here? Thank you? A little misogynistic, a little bit,
A little bit, you know what, I could call out
the man too. You promised that you were going to
throw the dynamite up to the sky and knock that
asteroid out of the sky. Need to convinted around the world.
It's like I said it would. Thank you, Scott Peterson.
(04:47):
You woke about a dollar for every time I heard
someone out of the words thank you. Scott Peterson, you
have six dollars anyway. All right, well listen, the asteroid
is coming towards us again. Yeah, so what is your plan?
My plan is, when it gets into the orbit within
throwing range of Scott's arm, we're gonna throw the dynamite.
(05:07):
It's gonna be wrapped around a football and he's gonna
throw it right down the middle and then you know,
and I'm a detonate from here. Okay, Now, way, we
don't have to spend so much money on radio detonation
because now it's just gonna be within distance, like a radio,
like a race car, like a little RC race card.
But it's gonna be like a poem that blows up. Look,
(05:28):
I gotta go get my teeth, take care of fine.
Two days later, so back, we're gonna cram all that
galls in your mouth. I thought, well, zagines there, How
how was that you never supposed the question how much
(05:50):
galls a woman? Hasn't I read this book called Lean In,
and even though it's a book for women, it taught
me a lot about things too. That's why I keep
calling you out, sir. It's not York numbers now much.
This is this American lab. I mean, I was sorry
(06:11):
with producer Andy, especially against contributor for this episode is
Harold Tart and our show. We're using a trustee sentence
generator to bring you a story and react. This week's
name Armageddon. It was us Act one. She could hear
(06:37):
him in the shower, singing with the joy she hoped
he'd retain after she delivered the news, which was that's
so great. He's been holding onto this bad news for
at least a week until she was ready to give
it to him. And then there he was listening from
the shower dripping wet Shady gave him the dude the
happiest man on earth. That's me. Yah, we need to talk.
(07:05):
That was that too? Okay? It bad? Good song? Okay, um,
it's under mine. But you remember that trip that I
went on with Michael Friend to Detroit to Detroit. Yeah,
do you remember I said that I was a big
Detroit Lions fan. Yes? And then you remember when I
went to the Detroit Lions fand Club party. Oh the
party that was that was organized by the president of
(07:26):
the Detroit Lions stand club Detroit Lions. But Herr Sanders.
Did he sign your football? He did more than just
sim I have no he signed your Detroit Lions pennant.
Oh that's great, dude. Did you keep it? But he
didn't fold it up? Did you? Because it's worth less
if it's folded. He did more than just signed my
Detroit Lions. Then did he take a selfie with you
and Rebecca? We took some selfies and yeah, Rebecca was there.
(07:49):
Well can I see him? Did you post them there online?
It's in your phone, It's on a website, which is
another part of the thing that I have to tell you. Okay,
just tell me the website. I'm gonna log in right now.
Watch the video. So it's w W W okay w
n A S dot No, I'm giving you all t
now www dot oh yeah, thank you. W go ahead
(08:15):
www dot n A S T Y M A g
I E dot um c U M nasty Maggie dot com.
Wait a minute, I'm nasty, Maggie. That's the whole life,
be living, Maggy. Sorry, no, you know what. This might
be self tortured, but I want to see what's on
(08:35):
this website. Go for it. Get on the website. You
have a credit card? Can I borrow you credit card?
Real quick? No, you got to use yours. My credit
card is all the way in my wallets over by
the flowers that I got you, the welcome home flowers.
He decided, great card walked all the way to the flowers,
and it's wallet that is gred card all the way
back taft in all the numbers. It was a long
(08:56):
Discover card number. And he charged himself body nine ninety
nine a month in a right. I can't believe that
you got to meet Barry Sanders. What was he like?
You're not not about this? I mean yes, I'm curious,
(09:17):
But what is he like? Just tell me he's nice.
He's while I packed my things. You tell me what
he was like. He was nice, he was very gentle, tender,
he was and he was very wrong. Somebody's at the door.
You know what? Put a pin in that. I'm not
I get that reaction every time, Mr Sanders, welcome. Please.
I gave in our address because I don't know if
(09:38):
you write the comments of the videos, people really liked it.
That's how I pay for our home. Is there going
to be a part two of the video? That's what
he's here for. I also brought you a box of
fresh peaches from a fruit stand side of the road.
Did you tell them I love peaches? I did. You're
a good listener, You're so thoughtful, but you're still in trouble,
young lady. Do you mind if I cut one of
(09:59):
these up. I'm a little hungry. It's been a long
ride in Detroit one too. Yeah, you do some comfort
food right about now? What do you keeping knives in
the knife drawer? That's the third one from the left
that I was gonna have to guess I can went
from the right. Quod Scenarios, then named Kevin have you
just established now sitting with his wife's leather eating peaches?
(10:23):
The shock he was okay with being what they call that?
Is that a cut? Cold? Is that what it's called?
You might produce it, Andy, Oh, yes, yes, that is
what that's called. Cold. Yes, I don't know if you're
much of a cheese guy, but peaches with virata and
a little bit of basil. Delicious. He is a lovely man,
but that doesn't make it any less less hurtful. I'll
(10:44):
tell you what Barry Sanders before you tell me? Huh?
Do you think heartbreakingly delicious? So there's another part of this.
So we were wondering if you would be interested and
also investing in his restaurant. No, no, I'm not going
to invest it. What kind of restaurants? Is standard American affair?
With an Italian twist? Oh? Those are my two favorite jobs.
(11:06):
Tell him the name? Oh, yes, okay, I'm passing it
off to you. Yeah, I'm Barry's Bootcamp. Barry's Bootcamp, Yeah,
a little bit. Oh it legally because there's another Berry?
Is there? Is there's another Berry? Is there? Barry Obama?
Who runs the other one? And you would be a
majority owner? Really at least, at least, that's how kind
(11:28):
I am. Very least. It's the least I could do
after what I did to your wife on camera several times,
which is earning us money. Yeah. Hi, um, I am
formerly the husband of the bride um who was invited
here to uh to make a toast. Wow. I never
thought this day would come say something. Rebecca, Rebecca my
(11:50):
ex wife, nasty Maggie's I'm sorry, right, nasty Maggie. I
can't believe you did this. But if there had to
be somebody that you did this with, I'm just glad
it was Hall of Fame running back former Detroit Lions
star Bear Sanders. Somebody cutting onions in here because I'm
getting teary eyed. Hey, you've become one of my best
friends over this process. Me. No, no, no, no, no,
(12:13):
we've we've shared so much, so many things, so many women. Also,
I am catting onions asking me Sandy, Yeah, you hired
me because I wouldn't American restaurant with a tun of Swiss. Yes,
that's the chef. Thank you so much. I'm going back
to it, coming back, and I want what if I
started not ba? Oh my god, you don't remember me
(12:35):
telling you do not to cot to the onion in
the front of the guests, across proximity to the guests,
and now you got them crying and complaining about he's
also my most you've keeping a foot in the kitchen.
You guys, okay, no, do you want to start to
do my job. I didn't know this was gonna turn said,
I want to apologize, and I behaven beneath you. I
(12:57):
tell him many times not to go ahead and chopping up.
I didn't front the guests in close proximity to the
but but you do it anyway. I actually like it.
One thing that I like represented at my wedding is
Italian hard work. Thank you. I'm come do this country
with nothing in my pocket but a thousand dollars. That's it.
And that's not a ton of money. And it's not
(13:19):
that's a lot of money here nothing in New York.
Not in New York. You can run out of that
money at any time. Oh yeah, it's most diffinite. Because
I also love to go to the ship clubs. It's
a problem. That's a problem. It's a problem, which is
why I have a job now so that I can
work on the photonomy sound it's got an onions and
avoid going to strippers. You like strip clubs, you like work,
(13:42):
Why not work a strict club? Why not working a
strip club? I never thought a diese. The buffet is
at the strip club. It's a very onion heavy food
most of the time. And the way you cut those onions.
And I know you can do other things. I hired
you at my restaurant. You know other things I canna
do well. I love your Italian hamburger, Thank you so much.
What got me the joba? Yes? I love your Italian pizza,
(14:04):
which is Italian American style pizza with the American cheese
and the catch up and the lunchables the lunch Yes,
the lunchables pizza, Yes, yes, love that. That also goes
to me. The jobra. That's what did it for me.
When you laid out all those plates. I said, I
wought this guy at Barry's Bluecap. Yes. I think we
could go into business together. And I've got a person
(14:26):
who would love to invest in this business. It's my
old buddy who used to be married to my wife.
As long as I can have at least a fifty
one percent share in the company, I will follow you
into the gates of help. Mr Barry Sanders, I'm about
fifty two percent. He's a confusing love triangle, butter like it.
This is the greatest and also the worst day of
my life. Mr Bud, Please this is going to work
(14:49):
for me to go to street Club. You'll be working there,
so you can come out and tars onions at all
the ladies. Alright, alright, come out on the s got
some man, get those that those highly higging them high,
and I'll get those audience highly get the first. He
(15:10):
loves the way con siptually. It's a really good the idea. Yeah,
I love the idea. Come, I like a quart onions.
Many onions are throwing sack like that. It's a problem.
I can't cut the audience. And that's a fast what
when we first went into this business together, you told
(15:32):
me that you could cut onions faster than anybody this
side of the Italian Mississippi or so I like it.
I can't cut you out now because we actually went
into this business together, and I do have steak legally.
I know you bought the building to hide all the
girls a lot of win into this concert, which to
me was ready paper thin. If you ask me, But
I win with it because it's just three purts, And
(15:53):
I said, okay, strip Away where you cut onions and
put ingredients of subway sandwiches on the cut the curse alright,
That was welcome to strip Way. And uh, first of all,
I want to apologize for some my anthers onions coming
in so cold. I apologize on Belicio's behalf for his
(16:15):
inability to get those us on the stage faster. Nah,
I've been assured by Anicio that Cassandra comes up, He's
gonna up on the stage as fast as you have.
Our seas always a gentleman. Put your hairs together and
get those always high on the air for the sound.
Ram trying to be rolling this right, but find using
(16:36):
there the old old line in the work you sids
fine makes you offline for just a minute. Sure, what
the hell, man, cod don't you what's up? Todd? But
I thought that you said that you were going to
go help. You're going to practice awesome thuds on the stage.
You're gonna get the stage licking sweat. You're told me
was the problem, Lisa time. The oldest flow was all
(16:59):
objects faster. That was welcome to strap Way. When the
girl's getting free longer, longer, longer, like me might say,
(17:20):
I was to my wol ceo faster than I could say, Well,
these name Malco. He's the first time, I'm the last time.
I'm sorry, I'm beat off for more than that. Control
I'll go okay, I stay God, God, thank God, Okay.
(17:48):
Coming up back to the first the word from our
esteemed sponsors, stay with us, act to the interview. Thank
(18:09):
you for coming, Thank you for having me, Army, this
is great. How long have you been listening to the show.
I've been listening to the show since I first received
the episode, which was when August of I think I
heard him. Do you remember what happened in that episode?
It happened? What happened in that episode? Your favorite? Your
favorite part of that episode? Let me thank you. Let
(18:30):
me think that episode I heard three bears putting on
a show. Are you talking about like the animatronic bears? Yeah?
I think we have that in our archives. It is
yet is pretty rock and roll rock. Are you ready
to rock it roll? Wait a minute, have you seen
(18:52):
our least player? Hello? Boom boom boom booming. I'm firstday birthday.
It wasn't a very good. Now it wasn't make much sense.
(19:15):
It's a little I made that episode. I was anybody
that about Yeah, tell us about yourself but from I'm
from Pascagoula, Mississippi originally, but I grew up here in
Los Angeles, California, but part of California West l A. Nice.
When I clean you're a comedian, I am. Tell us
about your comedy background. I started at the Second City
two years, uh, and and then I went over to
(19:36):
UCB performing there for a while. Nice performed in Amsterdam
for a while with this group called Boom Chicago, very
very well renowned Boom Chicago. Yeah, sure, I love it.
I love that. One of the best in the world,
the second best besides us. Yeah. Uh, how long will
you in Amsterdam? Just for one year? Did you partake
in any of that? Any of the accoutrem all he
(19:57):
describes movie for us, Dutch food is pretty disgusting. There's
women there, there's the red light district. There's coffee shops
that serve marijuana. What's the red light? What does that mean?
I did not partaking any of that. Number One, the
marijuana is better in Los Angeles, Yes, really, Oh absolutely,
Reggie over there, mid we we actually have you trying
(20:18):
some of the marijuana in Amsterdam in our archives. Yeah, alright,
let's here. I'm Dutch person, so this is me giving
him marijuana. Alright, let's try I help you like it? Now,
Hold on, yo, Yos is your name? My name is Yos? Yes,
now you know, yes, that I'm from California, California. You're
(20:38):
telling me earlier almost Snoop Dogg, most Snoop Dogg. And
you said you grew up in West Los Angeles, Los Angeles, California.
I don't serve me no bullshit as wet. Okay, just
going to your hired dofter, and Peter's going too, I
know before. Yeah, okay, you better blow my head off.
(21:02):
It off your head. This is called nighttime Armageddon, and
it will blow your head clean off of your buddies.
And it's like what do you call in the counter,
maybe whichever one is the scarier one. This is what's
time released hybrid. So it starts out with some indica, yes,
and then by the time your sleep again. Okay, all right,
(21:25):
let's see here we go. He did it? Do we
need to call line one one? Absolutely not? What she
was weak man? Wow, I'm telling you now that I'm
not appreciate this your attitude about our marijuana here. Business
(21:46):
has been here for a long time. We should give
him this stronger one. Give it to me. One is
called sweet fancy Christ Christ Christ Christ May will blow
your head clean off of your shoulders into the street,
and you will have to run into street togather your
(22:09):
head and put it back onto your body. That is
how we go another week one? Now, what is going
on over here? What is going on with you? I'm
an American. I think that we should give him the
strongiest one we have fellas. I don't think he's working
out here. Let me just get one of these strope
(22:30):
waffles and milk. I don't want to try the third one.
We can try it. We can try it. I won't
be rude. I won't be rude because I know what
you'll think about Americans they started. One is called rancid face,
runsid face. It will blow your head. You will be
launching your head into the skies and you will have
(22:52):
to get in a spiceship and go up to the
sky and get your head. And then you will have
to take the head and put it big you want,
don't hear me out. All right, you will have to
retrieve your head. You would double check nic shut at
your head and not somebody else's who may have also
(23:12):
tried ransom face. But then you see, yes, this see
is my head. You come back to art, you put
it back on your it's very strong. Try it all right,
there you go. Oh this ship stinks and it was
like rancid face. All right, once again, my head is
still on my body. Music clear that the lead that
(23:33):
was being sold that this we cafe wasn't anywhere close
to what Carl Tird had had in west End. That's
what we're as I was training it at. Yeah, yeah,
so Carl, tell us more about your escapades as a comedian.
That was the most interesting experience I have. But since then,
you know, written on a couple of shows run on
Matt TV. You know a few people maybe, but y'all
(23:56):
know you know, uh Colton done, yes, call and done.
This is my guy. Very good guy, have very funny,
very good guy, very funny. I wrote on Ghosted and
with Craig Robinson and Adam Scott wrote on Brooklyn nine nine.
For a while, I wrote on I added you even
hear about us? How to hear about y'all. Yeah, I've
(24:17):
been wanting to get on this show since I heard
it for the first time. I didn't want to be here.
I have been as soon as I heard this, I said,
I need to be there to tell my story. What
are you waking on these days? I just got done
with the Keenan Show Keenan starring Keenan Thompson, Chris Red. Yeah,
you know those got those couple of dudes and uh,
(24:39):
then I I just filmed my own show that I'm
an actor on, called Grand Crew, which will be on
Tuesday nights on NBC starting in December fourteen. Previous guest
for that show, Yes, Break is the home Girl. I'm
very impressed. I feel like you're the most qualified guests
we've ever had. Oh, that's nice of you to say
(24:59):
on the show. You do that all kinds of wow. No, no,
it slight. Those people they're really great. I don't remember who.
Any of them are definitely more qualified than me. That's
hoping to be able to make this about myself. You
usually do, do you have any hobbies? Hobbies? Okay, this
this is gonna be this is exclusive. I haven't talked
about this because but It's been a hobby that I've
(25:20):
been doing for a long time. I started it right
before the pandemic. I am a DJ nice and uh
also I do a lot of podcasting and I like
to play basketball and baseball. I used to like to
play football, but and that is addie like doing the
DJ and thing. It's really fun. What kind of music
do you usually play? You know? I am a big
fan of nineteen eighties like R and B, A wave
(25:43):
style music. I don't like my brain into like techno
kind of like have its music, you know, I just learned.
I just recently completed the house level at the DJ
school I go to and it was very very hard,
and it was it was very it was very hard.
It was very hard level. So I don't think I'm
gonna be spending no house music because like that, trying
to match the beats, be matching in the house is
(26:04):
tough because a lot of them don't have steady bp
ms and also they don't have like you know, like
in a hip hop song on R and B song
or country song or rock song. You got your eight,
you're sixteen and eight, and you know where to you
know where to beat match, you know where to drop
in you know where do that type of stuff with
the house music. A lot of those songs don't have you.
It's really about listening and mapping out the song the
(26:25):
house and I don't. I'm I'm lazy. Who is your teacher?
His name is DJ Red Maddock. He's one of the
world famous be junkies. Is that for the house music?
That's wrong? And also DJ Dynamics that we actually have
your DJ school your exam for the mixing house music.
Apparently there's a you had a classmate use trying to
(26:46):
cheat on your on your tests. We have that we
have Yeah, okay, hey what are you doing for your tests? Hey?
Eyes on your own turntables? Dude, whatever, Dude, listen, man,
I just want to know, like, look, my parents put
me in this. This is my last chance. If I
don't do well in this class and or just school,
I get kicked out. I'm going straight to skateboarders school, man,
(27:09):
And I don't want that. That seems like to fit
more your vibe. Why why don't you want to do that?
Because I don't want I don't want to go to
skateboarder school. Kidding me, that's for losers. I want to
be a teacher. Listen, man, you can't copy off of
what I'm doing. I'm already struggling with this level very much.
Excuse me, less chit chatting, moss, studying faws and beat
(27:30):
matching test. Thank you, teacher Frouds like sacking asshole. Yeah,
I can't stand her. She's she's terrible, but she's really
talented though, thank you. Also, her ears are insane, her ears,
she hears everything that no, I'm look at my dog, dude,
(27:50):
because I need to be original. Okay, I tried to
pick four songs that nobody else will pick in this class.
Originality is a fucking concepts not even real, dude. Have
you ever seen her that YouTube videos called everything is Remixed?
What am I hearing? I am hearing whispering. You think
I don't hear it, but I hear it study fussy
(28:12):
bit matching exam. Dr. Yes, I got a question for you.
How have you maintained this level of hearing after being
in so many clubs for all these years and with
all those loud speakers. You hear everything that's your deals
like you just kiss ask and let's say you get
all good grades. So stop it. I'm not kissing nobody's ass.
Can I just say, Carl? This is your name, right, Carl?
(28:32):
That's it. I really appreciate students like you. You could
all stand to take a page from Carl's playbook. Kiss up, study, hard,
matches it beats, get out, listen, talk. I talk to
you over here for us. You just made me think
of something. Shot the Dark you want to like grab food? Sometimes?
(28:52):
I thought you'll never ask. I know it's inappropriate. We
can wait until I graduate. It is frowned pan to
today students during the term. However, once you graduate we
can do with move on. How old are you Saturday nine? Okay?
Do I look older? I mean yeah? Your vibe is
(29:15):
older than that? Is it? Yeah? And I'm a bit
of a gray chaser. Well I've got good news for you.
There is some gray. Three months later, Hello, Hi, I
need to talk to Mrs DJ Froud teacher teacher frown
This is DJ Froud teacher fraud speaking. Who may I
(29:36):
for me? Asking? Who is calling me? My name is
Leslie Tart. You know who I am, ma'am shotting the Dark?
Are your related pool? I'm caring? Carl? Yeah, no, what
is this about? Are you having sex? With my son.
(29:56):
Currently the answer is no teacher a pen into jail. Wow,
that was yeah, called what should we look out for
beside the TV show? My group, The Big Team will
be at sketch Fest. We are formerly known as white Women.
We are now called the Big Team. Will be at
sketch Fest on January eight at the Gateway Theater in
(30:18):
San Francisco, San Francisco sketch Fest. Why did I say that?
S F sketch Fest, San Francisco sketch Fest January eight,
ten p m. At the Gateway Theater. So you're gonna
be in that area. Pull up bonus like Sketch Fest,
but also watch Grand Crew Tuesday nights at eight o'clock NBC.
Grand Crew Tuesday nights, NBC eight pm, seven seventh be there.
(30:38):
Thank you called Tight for taking the time to h
come to our studio and grace us with your presidents.
Thank you for having me. Who are you texting right now?
Nobody coming up? Act three, But first the word from
our sponsors who make this high quality program possible. Stay
with us. At three. He had a vague sense that
(31:13):
the cheese gave birth to dinosaurs. At least this was
the logic. He was running with you just got in
a job as a history teacher. Didn't have any credentials.
He lied on his transcripts in his resume. But yeah,
there he was eating seventh grade history. Alright, class, we're gonna, oh,
we're gonna get started. Let's see seventh grade history. I
(31:35):
think this day would come. You're sweating a lot. Mr
t Please you can call me h, Mr terrenceman Um,
Mr Chen, these aren't warm. Those aren't warm. In January
warm in here, pretty warm. So you got sweat stains
in your pitts and your because I'm warm. I just
(31:57):
can't believe you fellows aren't warm. It's warm. Mr Freezing. Yes, yes,
I can't go to bathroom. Um, I don't know, can you? Yeah?
I canna go to bathroom to please? Oh? Why why
do you both have to use the bathroom in the
same Wait, you're not you're not trying to skip class
because I see him a little green? Are you? Are you?
That's not why we're trying to skip plays. No, he
(32:19):
said skip class. I actually have to go to bathroom.
I'll tell you what. Let me let me get through
the first first couple of minutes of my lesson. I'm
gonna go use the bathroom while you do that first
part of this and then what Yeah, well that's not
what I said that. Wait where you going? No, don't
don't no, don't go, Please don't go. If you let
him go, I gotta go. Can I talk to you
up here at my desk for just one moment? Class, everybody,
(32:40):
just hang tight, real quick, real quick, just gonna have
a little combu station with here with my with with
your fellow student here. What is it, Mr Tarance? Okay, listen,
I don't have much time. What kind of things are
you expecting a history teach you to teach you on
a day like today? Well, of course today is dinosaur
day and I needs to know where they came from
(33:00):
because I just can't understand it. How did they get here?
I know we came dinosaurs. Dinosaurs came from? Thank you
like to see? Please gonna get started, I said, I
gotta go to the bathroom. I gotta I'll let you,
I'll let you go, I'll let you go in just
R Tarnce all right? Today dinosaurs you're so so scary, right,
(33:21):
so scary? Where did dinosaurs come from? How did they
get made of? Dying? Oh? Hello, go down one second class. Everybody,
just thank tight to somebody said the Mr Terence can
stay outside. Get class one moment. Okay, I'm gonna continue
my my compelling lists. Don't worry. He's not in trouble.
(33:42):
Oh he gets to leave, but I can't go to
the mass morta. Don't messing me right now? All right,
fair enough, sit down, Please don't hassle Martinez. He's really
helping me out of a jam today. Yes, Mr Galvinston,
what can I do? When I hired you to be
a history teacher here? You told me you went to Harvard,
You told me you went to Dinosaurs School, and you
(34:02):
don't know anything about anything. And we've been watching from
from afar. We you know, we do have cameras in
the classes, so we have been watching the lesson plans
that you're putting out. Alright, listen, education in history not
be rushed, okay, and has to be eased into by
the student. And that's what I'm doing. I'm easing into
the day's lesson. Just because I'm not covering everything right
(34:25):
away doesn't mean I don't know what I Listen to me,
Mr Karen Tower, do you got a week to get
these students into shape. That dinosaur test is coming. If
they don't score above what they're supposed to score as
the district requirements. As far as there are dinosaur education,
you're out of a job, you understand. And then I
gotta put these kids, and I gotta put them back
in the grade of there and which is seventh grade.
(34:46):
In seventh grade, corent Eton out. Okay, we cut to
that exam. It's easy, easy, it is. You taught us
everything we need to know. Justsur dinosaurs came from tree.
The sap nutted out of the tree and created dinosaur.
That what I said, You told us what I told,
you said the tree that it sap okay created I
(35:10):
don't think. Oh god, Mr Gason, we got the results
of all the test. Look, the kids scored tremendously well, Sands,
this one kid Martinez, We're gonna just completely Agnorea one,
but everybody else. But here's the problem. Yeah, we think
they cheated. Yeah, no, there's no way these kids know
(35:31):
that much about dinosaurs. They clearly cheated, and we think
you helped them. There's a district representative you're with me
to Mr Schwartzman Swatch Mgnaia District and representation again. I
talk to you guys for a second. Which one both
of you in the district representative? Yeah? Mr Gason and
Mr Swartzman. My name is Alfredo Martinez. Yeah, we know
(35:52):
who you are. Oh great, hey, watching you for a while. So.
I know it's a little early, it's only seventh grade,
but I'm really interested in going to college, really, and
I feel like, thanks to the teaching that I've gotten
from Mr Terrence Howard, that I can do it. I
want to skip high school. Son, Do you have any
idea to kind of tests? We have the proctor for
you to take that into consideration. I'm ready for it.
(36:12):
I'm telling you ask me any question in the world,
I'll give you the answer. Mr Martinez, a feet on mine.
I'd like that kind of sidebar speak, offline with the
principle for just one moment, right on, mind, I'll be
doing a beat on this lockers. Listen to me, says Listen.
We get this kid's numbers up and he gets past
(36:35):
high school, that's gonna boast that whole district. That will
finally get the government fund and we've been looking for.
The school's future is gonna hinge on Martinez I think
it might. Can you imagine the accolades this school would get? Ready, listen,
my teams can here. What's up, y'all. We're gonna help
you out here. Tell me how about doing what we're
gonna help your cheat. I don't need to do that, man,
(36:56):
my teacher, Mr Terence out you can do it on
your own. I've been telling you to ask me a question.
You know how smart I am. Okay, ask him the
questions that are gonna help him skip the grade. It's
pretty simple, okay. Question number one? How many millions of
years ago? Was the Cretaceous Period? The Crustaceous period took
place in nineties seventy six when they started olive garden.
(37:20):
Several things about what he said? Incorrect? Question number two?
What caused the annihilation of the entire species of dinosaur?
The trees nutted and the nut was too strong for
the dinosaurs, But they was drinking. It sounds logic to me.
I mean, I know, but I think it might have
actually been aster asteroid? All right? Every morning meeting your
(37:49):
mouth healed? Yeah, asteroid coming right at us. That's offensive.
Question ask one, it's not asking actually her mouse is okay,
it's to sexually suggest hold on to get the door
I've knocked on with you. He's a little I don't
know if you guys know me and recognize me. My
name is Barry Sander, Hall of Frame running back from
(38:12):
I don't watch film in the flesh Sanders. How can
I be your service? I just wanted to come in
because I heard you guys were doing some very great
work involving an asteroid that's coming to earth. Yeah, I
got a business proposition for you. What a strip club
the serves moon Rock. You know, it's like souvenir right
called Alma scripting. As long as I can have a
(38:34):
fifty two percent to stay, we can talk about that. Also,
the women never exposed their arms arms strip then Mary Santors,
I love that idea. Would you like to have sex
with my wife? I thought you never? I gotta and
I dared Andy and then especially gets contributor because I
mean sorry, And this was this American laugh with Air
(38:56):
Salitary and Andy hairs China's thanks time. This American laugh
with Aristotle Attari and Andy Harris can be found wherever
you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review.
You can also find us on Instagram at this American laugh,
and on Twitter at American Laugh with three hes. It's
American laugh with three hes.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.