February 16, 2023 • 36 mins
Carolina and Devin just want to feel sad today, okay? Valentine's Day and Galentine's Day, honestly...a constellation prize, make us feel a lot of emotions! Luckily we have each other and we must trick ourselves in order to get over the hump of break ups. A playlist will get us through the day and maybe some social media "check ups" here and there. Let us join the world and get some coffee and sunlight (after 5pm for Carolina).
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hello, and welcome to True Romance. I believe it's called
and Uh. I just want to say Happy Valentine's Day.
This episode is coming out on Thursday, but today, Tuesday
is Valentine's Day. I want to say something about Valentine's
Day for the single girls. You know what I'm really
sick of. You know what I nearly hate. Yeah, Yalentine's Day,
(00:40):
or like, happy Valentine's Day to my girls, single girl,
like anything that commodifies like being single on Valentine's Day
and just being with your girls. I don't know why
I hate it so much. I think it's because it
feels like a consolation prize and I'm like, I don't
want to hang out with anyone. I just want to
be sad about this, Okay, and I'm not even sad.
I usually like feels weird, but it usually feels weird
(01:04):
on this day. I usually feels wood on this day.
But I think, listen, I think Valentine's Day is fucking stupid. Um,
but I also am really glad to have plans with
female friends tonight. Actually, um, so I'm going to see
John Early's show that's really fun. My friends Hailey and Hannah,
(01:25):
and then do we want to talk about your sexual
feelings towards ghn Early. I mean, there's not much to say.
Besides I think he's incredibly deeply attractive and so fucking hot,
and I can't do anything about it because he's gay.
It's the same way I feel about Matt Rogers, like
I'm great, great, thanks for showing me that God and
I shall never touch it. Um. And I know these
(01:48):
men think they've struggled with being queer and assists hetero society,
but I've struggled more with not being allowed to have
without them rush on them. Yeah, okay, so I'm going
with them. And Hailey's husband also surprised her with tickets
to the same show, so they're gonna go separately on
a date, and I'm going to be with the gals,
(02:08):
as they say. I've gone back and forth a lot
about like the recovery from the breakup, being like I
should just be allowed to be as sad as I
want to be, and like just feel the feelings and
just be sad, and like it just is what it
is and I have to just go through it and
don't escape the feelings Versus the fact that I'm like
kind of pretending I like don't know better if that
(02:29):
makes sense, Like I have a lot of these like
old ideas about myself where I'm like, Okay, I'm just
fucking insane right now, Like I'm insane. And even to
my psychiatrist, I was like, okay, I'm being crazy, Like
I was like, I think I need to up my medication,
Like I just I'm like reacting so crazy to this breakup,
(02:49):
like whatever by coping mechanisms are so bad, it's it's awful.
And then he's like, Okay, can you like list some
of the things that aren't working or like that are
bad coping mechanisms, or like can you list some of
the things that you have done that's helpful? And I'm
like listening it and he was like, Okay, it doesn't
sound abnormal at all. It's like a normal response to
a breakup. I don't think you have to change your medication.
(03:11):
I was like, so you don't think I have a
personality disorder based on how I'm feeling right now. Um,
And then it's like I have this thing of like
I'm hopeless. I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
Like what am I supposed to do. Someone tell me,
but it's like people have told me, I just haven't
been doing it. Like I was talking to my friend
Haley yesterday and I was like, I had just such
(03:33):
a bad depression day, Like I couldn't get off the couch,
and it's just so hard to like exercise, it so
hard to do anything when you're depressed. And she was like, well,
one thing you could do, like is try tricking yourself
into doing things like I like to go for a
walk in the morning to get my coffee. And then
it's like I had to get up out of bed
because I went to get the coffee. So this morning
(03:53):
I woke up. I the first thing I did after
checking all the social media of my ex which I
now it's literally like it's just muscle memory. I'm like, Okay,
check this person story, this person story, this person is
that that that got it? Okay, uh no updates? Okay,
got it? And then I listened to Valentine by Fiona
apple Um and then Hailey texted me and she's like,
(04:14):
did you go for a walk to get coffee? And
I was like, I'm a little busy I've been. Your
schedule isn't as stacked as mine. But I've had things
to do this morning. I have a lot of songs
to listen to, so I'm like, fine, whatever, I'll fucking
try something different. I'd go on the walk. I'm in Seattle,
by the way, the extent of like the beauty that
(04:37):
is surrounding my airbnb that I have completely ignored by
like staying inside and being depressed most days, I was like,
this is actually just like a joke that this has
just been sitting here this whole time and I haven't
gone outside. It was so stunning and like everywhere I
looked was just like natural beauty. And I chose, even
though I wanted to listen to my sad breakup playlist,
(04:58):
I chose to listen to this podcast on MPR called
how to Get Over Someone, and it was just basically
talking about like doing the opposite of what you feel
like you want to do. So that's that's what I
did this morning, and it honestly was effective. Also, guess
how many times I checked my excess social media on
(05:18):
the walk? Zero? One time? Just one, okay, and it
was about an hour long walk, so that's really good.
I also am trying to think I'm trying to change
my thinking around. So basically, I'm like trying to take
this approach of like I'm just going to do the
opposite of what I want to do, and so I
(05:38):
want to hate Valentine's Day. I want to be like, wow,
must be fucking nice. I want to be like, oh,
all you people who choose to commit to each other
and like show acts of love every day and like
whatever the fuck that is. But instead I'm going to
try to be like, Wow, love is really cool. I
actually love love. I love being in love. I love
(05:58):
loving someone, and I think everyone should be able to
do that and that's great. And just because one person
wasn't able to do that with me, that's okay. I
feel fine about that. I really liked everything you set
up until the end where the record scratched. Um. Yeah,
I It reminds me what you're talking about reminds me
(06:20):
of when RuPaul name Drop was talking to Will and
I and he said, the answers to the universe are
out there, just nobody cares about them. Like all of
the answers are out there. We know all the answers
were we know you, you know, being of service to
the world is helpful. We know, you know, meditation works,
we know exercise works, we know that things don't last forever.
(06:44):
We know all of these things how to feel better
there there couldn't be more information out there. That isn't
to say it's easy, but it is to say that
there's a lot of answers in terms of, you know,
we are not the first people to recover from breakups.
There's a lot of answers how how to feel better
in this specific area. There's a lot of answers even
on how to meet new people. There couldn't be more
(07:06):
resources on how to meet new people. It's still uncomfortable,
it's still painful work. You know what I've been telling
people recently. I had a friend who is frustrated with
the online dating world, and I actually quoted you. I said,
you know, I am an avoidant. I don't like it.
But Devon has really emphasized that you have to put
the work into meeting people online. It's not just like
you're not going to run into someone online when I
(07:28):
go on once a month, who's going to be the
person I have to go on painful days. I have
to walk through the discomfort, and I wish there was
an easier way than just doing the right thing. I
wish I could wait until happier me just falls into
my lap, but that's just not the case. And and
I really do think like going outside is something that's
a big deal. There's been plenty of times where that's
(07:49):
been not postable for me. And as you know, me
and the sun don't haven't necessarily a glowing relationship. UM.
I've always been avoidant in my romantic life and also
physically I don't. I don't like going outside UM before
or five pm. So that is a big deal to
decide to UM join the world, so to speak. The
(08:12):
trick is the trick. So the trick is like, Okay,
I'm going to get a really good coffee if I
walk half a mile. And then once I walked the
half of the mile to get the coffee, I was like, wow,
it's so beautiful out here. There actually happens to be
a park right next to this coffee shop. Why don't
I walk through the park. So yeah, that's the trick.
I think the apps it's interesting because the UM the
(08:32):
podcast that was like how to Get Over someone also
said like, when you're ready, you should go back on
dates with people, which I'm not ready at all. I'm
completely emotionally unavailable due to being in love with someone
who doesn't want to be with me. But I also
am in Seattle, and I know there is there is
no drug. Two men on apps like a captain that
(08:58):
says I'm only in town for else shore period. It
is cat nip. It is. It is literally like offering
drugs on the street. So I decided to go on
the app and just be like, I'm only in Seattle whatever,
And um, I will say, like, it is helpful to
just have strangers be like you're attractive. Like that just
feels validating and at the same time it's also kind
(09:22):
of freeing to be on like to be doing that
process when I literally don't give a funk about these
people at all, like no offense to them. I'm just
like I can't possibly care about another person right now.
So that being said, it is a little like upsetting
to remember how terrible men can sometimes be. Right, It's
a range from disappointing to terrible. Yeah, um, some are entertaining.
(09:47):
I don't know, but this is the thing about life obviously,
Like you just said, it's like it turns out that
like everything everyone tells you, it's is like true in
the end, it's like, oh, exercise actually makes you feel better. Really,
I'm gonna actually try to do. I that for the
first three decades of my life and then you're like, oh,
it actually does help, like move your body whatever. And
like all I've heard my whole life is like you
have to love yourself to be with someone else, Like
(10:09):
you have to learn to be okay with just yourself.
And I never once have tried to do that. And
thinking about like the past like a few years, it's like, Okay,
I was in like a significant relationship in my early twenties.
I chose to get out of that to like basically
to be like I'm gonna like live my own life,
like I don't want to like get married to this
person and settle down yet. And lucky for him because
(10:31):
he ended up going on to win the Bachelorette. Um,
so he's doing well. And then meanwhile me um. I
then was like single for a year where I I
did very minimal, like I like didn't learn to be
okay with myself at all. I just like was like
a little bit crazed for a year. And then I
(10:51):
got into a relationship, got out of it. A month later,
met someone else, got into another relationship, got out of
it three months later, met my most recent X. You know.
So it's like I haven't really been alone with myself
at all, and I've also continued to choose people who
I'm like like there's like something that I can like
obsess about and like try to figure out about this
person and like try to like change them and try
(11:12):
to be enough for them, and like I just haven't
sat with myself. So like, I guess that's what I'm
gonna try to do. That's what I've been trying to
do for the past few hours. I'll say, I really
like that perspective. I think that I have a similar one,
which is that I agree I've never loved myself fully completely,
(11:35):
or that the times I have, I swear and I'm
not just saying this, I have been a magnet two
men the times where I'm just like, I love myself.
You are lucky to be with me. Honestly, any guy
who meets me should be obsessed with me. That was
literally how I met my first, you know, serious boyfriend
in college, to the extent that he constantly was like,
I'm obsessed with you, You're amazing, etcetera, etcetera. I really
(11:59):
do think self love brings results in your love life,
and I think that I'm at a place right now
where I'm not completely in acceptance of what I look like.
I'm not. I don't think i'm quote unquote unattractive. I
just I'm my physically different than I've ever been in
my life, and that especially given some romantic rejection I
(12:20):
experienced last year, it's been really hard for me to
feel like it's going to be worth it, like I'm
going to have a good time going out on dates
and watching my friends, who I think are perfectly able
bodied and not, you know, don't have to deal with
some of the things I have to deal with physically,
and watching them struggle makes me even more resistant to
(12:41):
going out there. But I also look at evidence of
women who just love themselves and find themselves relationships with
people who feel similarly, and so I really have to
look at the right evidence. I have to look at
the evidence that supports me going out in the world,
not the evidence that supports me going in, because I
will find that I will find proof that I should
(13:03):
not go out in the world, and I need to
just look at the proof that says, no, you're safe,
go experience love. It does exist. It does. Oh, it's
so funny how easy it is. Like when your friends
(13:25):
like hear me hearing you talk about it's so easy
for me to be like, are you kidding? Like you
don't think love exists out there? For you? Obviously it does.
But then like for myself, I'm like, no, she she
she shall not be loved. She will not be loved,
contrary contrary to Maroon five, she will actually not be loved,
contrary to Adam Levine, who once said she will not
(13:45):
be loved and then also said, oh I may have
to see that booty. Um, some people feel neither. All right,
So this is the thing the industries of self help
will tell me I need to love myself. Meanwhile, why
does it seem that it is easy for some girls
to hook up with celebrities? Why does that never happened
(14:06):
to me? I feel like I should hook up with
the celebrity like and and it just is so it
doesn't seem like it will be in my path. Um.
I have conflicting opinions about this, Okay, a few things,
one of which is that I believe that most actors
and musicians are cheaters. And I'll explain why where do
(14:26):
they find their cheating? People like it? I think. Okay,
you're like, oh no, I know what. Why can't it
be me though? Right? And so how does it happen? No?
But I think this is the thing. I think. It's
like I think these types of celebrities they only go
after like the Instagram, like bikini model girls. Okay, so
that's just not me because I'm actually deep and if
(14:47):
you can't see, I actually have stacks of books right
next to my computer. But she's holding up three books
because I am really an intellectual. So I guess that's
just the difference between me and the girl who Adam
Leavin aimed his son after after he Yeah, you also
don't have a bbl um and you have human size lips.
You don't have lips that touch your nose and your
(15:08):
chin at the same time. Okay, I think that I
have a big button and big lifts. You know, that's
not what I was talking about. So let's not play
lost in translation, shall we. It's so funny. This reminds
me of there's this charity, Sheldrick Trust, which is one
of my favorite charities that works with um abandoned elephants,
orphaned elephants. It's pretty much like both makes me cry
(15:30):
and makes me smile all at once. And I found
out that there were um two men heirs to a
fortune who helped fund the charity and help you work
with it. These men happen to be freakishly hot, freakishly hot,
and not just hot like family Anderson's sons are hot.
They are hot. And they're also literally flying helicopters to
help injured lions and tigers and help rescue elephants. So
(15:53):
their posts are literally like, today we helped save a
tiger's foot, today we helped a lion get better her
And I'm staring like literally ready to rip my clothes off,
and you know, meet them wherever they want. I decide, Hey,
I'm gonna look at the people they follow to see
like what kind of romantic entanglements they may have found
themselves in. I think that I have found them, like
(16:15):
I think that I've literally found, you know, gold in
the rivers of California. Yet I see who they follow,
and all they have are like relationships with Instagram models,
like Instagram models that are like freakish, the kind of
girls who can wear em Roda's swimsuit line and look amazing.
So that's not great. I know. Well then it's it
goes back to like men are stumb like stupid and dumb.
(16:38):
Like it's like I remember, um, so when I was
dating I like showed a picture of Larsa Pippen and
I was like, look how bad she looks now? Like
she has a huge BBL, she has huge fake lips,
like she used to be so beautiful. And I was like, oh,
she looks so bad. He was like, oh, I think
she looks good and I was like really, And I
was like really, so you want me to look exactly
(16:59):
like that way? So I will, all right? Cool, So
I will just calculating the cost of a BBL in Mexico.
I will be doing that to you soon, booking my
Spirit Airlines flight to to loom. I Um, did they?
I mean, I don't even want to know. B b
(17:20):
l s are so disgusting to actually watched the surgery.
They're so dangerous there. I don't know why. I think
I was just at a last resort place where I
was like, Okay, I don't want fake tits. Maybe I'll
just get a fake ass and then looking at footage
of what they do to your butt when they give
you a BBL, I was like, or maybe self love
is just going to have to be the cheaper, easier
(17:42):
away with minimum down time in a hospital and no
chance of your butt fat leaking to the rest of
your body and killing you. I am pro plastic surgery,
as you know, as we both are, So whatever you
want to do to make you make yourself more comfortable,
it's totally fine. But I think that the Instagram model
(18:02):
I I don't want to be with someone who would
choose an Instagram model over me. That's what I'll say.
I want to be with someone who falls in love
with me. My dream person is someone who thinks that
I'm as great as an Instagram model, and not just
because I want to be with, you know, a great guy,
but girls I identify with the girls I have fun with,
(18:22):
the girls who get me, I feel like, are the
kind of girls like you, like most of our friends
who most of all of our straight friends rather who
when we talk about loving Chatting Tatum, they're like, oh
my god, he's so hot. When we talk about loving
Jack Black, they're like oh my god, he's so hot,
because they're like normal human beings who love the soul
of the experience of a person and don't just see
(18:42):
people like who can sexualize like intellect, sense of humor,
understand life. And I think a more clear, concise way,
if a girl said to me, when I talk about
Jack Black, you what are you talking about? I would
be like, I don't know how to speak to you
anymore because we are on a different level. We don't
understand this. We are not just your shallow quote unquote,
but like, if you don't understand the sex appeal of
(19:03):
someone like that, then then what do you understand? What
are you attracted to? You probably the kind of girl
who just hangs out with other attractive girls without like
considering their character. And by the way, you don't have
to look too deep into my own personal relationship history
to see that I'm able to sexualize a sense of humor. Um. Now,
(19:23):
on the subject of chanting Tatum, further things that have
been helpful to me are attending. I mean, this was
like this was a thing from God and one of
the one of the listeners, and I'm sorry that I'm
so religious now, it just it just kind of happened,
as we knew heard on my last episode, I'm a
praiser of our Lord and Savior. Are I listened to
our last episode and literally every other sentence, Devin goes, well,
(19:46):
I was talking to Jesus Christ, and we know that
I was talking to our Lord and Savior and I
was speaking in tongues jay Zu. Okay, So jay Zu
did put into my path a gift. And one of
our listeners wrote in about it, which is that Magic
Mike's Last Dance came out shortly after my breakup. I'm
on I'm on week three of the breakup now, and
some would say I'm actually technically on week one because
(20:08):
I did stop all contact this week, which l O L.
In the last episode, there was like a listener question
I was like, oh, I don't really know, like people
are different. They're like, do you have to stop contact
with someone to get over them? And I was like, um,
I don't know, people are different, Like I don't have
the answer to this. And now I'm like, no, you
actually do. Um, well, I mean you do if you're
like me. I guess people are different. But it's like
(20:29):
when you're in the position of having strong feelings for
someone who doesn't want to be with you. It's not
great to be like texting them about small talk because
you'll think like, oh, their name comes up and you're like, oh,
it's him saying I actually made a mistake and I'm
wrong and you're perfect and I wouldn't want to be
with anyone else. And then the dishonest with yourself. You're
not being real with yourself, You're not being real about
(20:50):
your motives when you're staying in contact with an X
there is for me. Sorry, but you fully interrupted me
and started talking about something else, and now I don't
even remember what I was saying. Okay, Well, if you
want to talk about interrupter, you can look at your
own family. And when I say that, I mean Cookie.
Cookie has been interrupting our podcast ever since you got her,
(21:11):
and you need to get real about the kind of
people you keep in your life, because Cookie has attacked
you multiple times. I have said not a word, okay,
but I was in the middle of the joke and
you like interrupted and started talking about something else, and
then I didn't get to finished what I was saying.
Cookie has done that to me so many times on
this podcast. I don't even know how to count. I
don't even know how to count anymore. Well, what I
(21:32):
was trying to say was you will see the person's
name pop up on your phone and you're like, oh,
they're texting to say I actually miss you so much
and I only want to be with you, and I
don't want to be with anyone else because you're perfect
and no one compares to you. And then the message
is like, I just watched this documentary it was pretty
boring or something, and you're like, great, Um, So it
(21:53):
reminds me, Okay, go ahead. It reminds me of when
I was in high school and I was a sophomore
really hoping to be invited to junior prom and a
junior came up to me, Jordan Parr, and said can
I talk to you for a second? And my heart
started beating like a rabbit, and I said, yeah, what's up?
And I knew that he didn't have a prompt date.
(22:13):
And he said, are you really Mormon? Because I joked
that I was Mormon, and I was like, this could
not be the conversation. Different pages. Yeah, You're like, okay,
I guess we're on different pages because literally, if you
said do you want to come over and have sex
with me in my garage tonight? I would have said yes,
and instead you are asking me about my religious preferences
because of a joke I made about being Mormon. It's
(22:35):
actually like, I mean, so I'm rereading um The Year
of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, and I know she's
talking do not have to be that bad? Well, she
it's really helpful though, because like she talks about like
obviously it's about like the death of her husband, but
she's talking about like this magical thinking thing of like
(22:55):
I'm like thinking like a child, like I know this
is irrational, I know it makes no sense. And she
talks about believing that her thinking could change the reality
of the situation. Like I think he's actually coming home,
I think, And like that's literally how I've been operating
where I'm like, no, no, I think he's actually changing
his mind right now. I think, right now, in this moment,
he's probably talking to someone who's like, wait, Devin, she
(23:16):
was actually the best, and then he's gonna be like, oh, yeah,
she was the best. Okay, let me call her right now,
let me show up at her door, Seattle. That's not
too far. Let me hop on over, Like that's how
my mind's been working, so maybe I have to combat that. Um.
But the point was. One thing that helped me combat
that was going to see Magic Mike's Class Dance, which
(23:39):
I don't even know if you can call it a movie.
It is a completely nonsensical collection of moments on screen,
some of which are absolute pure pornographic ecstasy, and some
of which are totally insane. And like the fact that
(24:01):
this was chosen, like it just I kept thinking, I
was laughing, so I mean, it's it's one of those
movies that's like so bad it's good. Like I was
laughing so hard at the actual plot points because I
kept thinking, like, wow, someone was like in a room
being like okay, So then he's gonna say, do you
still want to get back together with your ex? And
she's gonna be like no, I'm over him. And then
(24:22):
he's gonna be like, oh, but I want your ex's money,
and she's gonna be like wait what, and then he's
like just kidding, And that's a whole conversation, you know,
or like it just it it None of it made
any sense. The whole plot of the movie is just
that like basically Mike, who ended the second movie like
doing really well and like seemed fine, but like in
(24:45):
the third movie, it's like he's really down and out
because of COVID, and there's a there's a British narrator
for some reason saying that, like he's down and out
and he didn't survive the pandemic with this furniture business,
so now he's a bartender. And then saw Mahaiak like
wants to pay him for a up dance, and then
they have like the hottest sex scene I've literally ever seen.
(25:06):
Like I was screaming, and I felt again as I
always do in the Magic Mike movies, like I was
like I should not be watching this in public, Like
this is totally inappropriate the amount of turned on I
am watching this um And then she's like, I think
you have a talent and I want you to like
put on a show in London. So it's basically becomes
an advertisement for Magic Mike Live in London. And then
(25:27):
like the plot is just basically like I don't even know,
like there's something about her ex husband I don't understand
at all, but it was like one like as Danny
Pellegrino says one star, but also five stars, like I would,
I would have one thousand percent, would watch its seventeen
more times, but it also was completely horrible. He might
(25:48):
as well be on the moon, it might as well
be science fiction. I'm not there for the logic. I'm
not really there for the story. We are really there
for Channing Tatum's body, and honestly, samahayaks boobs, which she
looks like trying to about God, talk about God coming
down and blessing us. She looks so good. At one point,
she takes Magic Mike to dinner with all her friends
(26:09):
because she's this rich lady and she wants to show
him off. And then she's like, Mike, tell all my
friends about your show. And he's like, uh, well, it's
sort of like this, and she's like, don't tell them,
it's supposed to be a surprise. And then like they
just move on from that, Like, wait, that was crazy.
Why did she do them? Like she's kind of emotionally
abusive to him. She like screams at him all the time.
(26:31):
It's just like it's so it's so perfect. Oh, I
love a good breakup movie. I mean, I was really
thinking about going back to s a TC, starting from
the top, starting from the top of Sex of the City,
(26:52):
having to watch through a lot of bad jokes, a
lot of old humor that doesn't hold up, and you know, I,
as we all have seen on Instagram, it looks like
Carrie and Aidan get back together and the next season
of it just like that, which talk about no plot there.
I cannot wait for the worst TV I've ever seen,
(27:13):
which was j Diaz and the first season of um
and just like that. I'm very excited for plot lines
that don't make sense, pieces of dialogue that we never
hear back from, because this stuff is like valium to
the brain. Sometimes I need a TV show, a series
with barely any steaks, with barely any conflict, when I
(27:35):
feel overwhelmed by my life. You know, I really like,
never have I ever on Netflix? Really teenage shows like
The Summer I Turned Pretty has no conflict in it
is a girl in a beach house and there's a
bunch of guys around her. That's really it, and um it,
it puts me to sleep. I imagine it's what people
give patience when they're supposed to be in a self
(27:58):
induced coma and that is really helpful to me. I
think it's it's okay to do what you're doing, which
is to say I am falling apart. I need to
experience that. Okay, I need to go out in the world.
I think we're always on that beam between when am
I supposed to shut it down? When do I actually
need to push myself a little bit? And after a
breakup is a really extreme period of that. You know,
(28:21):
it's like being sick, where you're like, Okay, I should
drink soup, I should spend a day just in bed,
I should just watch TV. I shouldn't worry about work,
And then it's kind of when you're you have to
be honest with yourself, like I still I'm not feeling great,
but I need to rejoin the workforce. I need to
rejoin the world. I need to respond to text messages.
And it makes me think of our good friend Hannah,
(28:45):
who once said every day I wake up thinking I
should stay in bed all day, and then I do,
and I feel horrible. And our instincts aren't necessarily going
to make us feel better. Our instincts are like driven
by our in our pleasure center, where it's like, don't
want to work out. I want to eat, I want
to not shower. I just want to sit in bed.
I just want to think about I want to scroll
(29:06):
on Instagram until my brain turns to mush, and that
just does not That's not relaxing as you would think
it would be. That's on a day off. That makes
a day go by in like two seconds and you
feel disgusting afterwards. So I really have to act as
a parent to myself, is what I'm trying to say. Yeah,
I mean I say this while me and Devon could
not look worse on a zoom page together. I trually
(29:29):
look like one of the drug addicts in the background
of breaking bad. And I'm not gonna roast you, Devon,
but I'll just say that when I go on you
always have your hair pulled up, like we are always
in comfort clothes. Okay, I really don't appreciate you speaking
for both of us in terms of looking bad, But
all right, um, I am still fragile and still healing
(29:51):
in case you couldn't tell it just because she looks
that she's okay, don't judge someone on their appearance until
you walk a mile in your shoes, and if you
walked about in my shoes, you would know that I'm
actually still healing and I'm very nervous about my appearance.
And I actually have a scheduled appointment today to dye
my hair, which like blonde ish m And I think
(30:17):
that's like a really low healing It's a low stakes
breakup move. It's like it I already got a tattoo.
It's like I could get another tat tattoo. I'll show
you a picture later. Wait, but what is it? Well,
I'll tell you later. But our readers want to know.
That's too bad for them. You guys, if you do,
(30:38):
if you want to know, you can d MS and
we'll tell you. I'll probably past it on Instagram at
some point. But there's that There's just so many things
that drastic things, and I think just dyeing my hair
is like a pretty low stakes one. So I'm gonna
do that, and I'm pretty excited about it. I was
only said to say we look comfortable together. You do
(30:59):
not look bad by any means. Okay, thanks thanks for clarifying. Ohive,
what else do we talk about? I've said need to say, Well,
to wrap up this episode, please right in if you
would like us to cover any more breakup recovery aspects.
Um we have both obviously been through it in different
(31:23):
stages in the past year or so. And what else
say it sometimes you need to compare yourself to someone
else to realize that you are actually in a good place.
And and I don't recommend this documentary because it's too dark,
but I look back at the Sarah Lawrence kids. I
was at Sarah Lawrence as we know, Wait, why are
you looking at me like that? Because I'm like, where
(31:45):
the hell are you going with this? I'm saying that,
like I was devastated, Sara LaRence. I was incredibly depressed.
Little did I know there was a fucking cult being
run less than a mile away from me in a basement,
and I was the one who thought my life was
a mess. We're all feeling Okay, It's what I'm trying
to say. So you're saying there's always someone who has
it worse than you. Yeah, okay, that's exactly what I'm saying.
(32:08):
And there's always an Instagram model you can compare yourself to,
or you could compare yourself to someone who didn't have
a good parental figure in their life and so went
for a guy named Larry that crashed on their roommates couch. Okay,
can we just say also about that documentary, like no
victim blaming involved. But of course there was a girlfriend
who was like, um, this guy's fucking weird and I
(32:30):
don't trust him, and her boyfriend was like, Okay, you're wrong,
and actually he could really help you. There's always like
an instinctive woman in these cult things who's like this
actually seems really fucked up, like I don't like this guy,
and then her boyfriend or husband is like, wow, you're
sick and I hope you heal. And then in the
end she's right. But does she get to be happy
(32:52):
about it. No, because people have, people have become prostitutes
at this point, people have been trafficked, and so no,
she can't even enjoy the vindication of being right. And
I think that's sad. I think that she looked kind
of happy to be right actually, and I this is
so weird and this is just how my brain works.
I was jealous of her, like I was like, wow,
can you imagine being right on that scale? We've all
(33:14):
been right in certain you know, experiences, especially with an
X and wanted to literally make a billboard about it,
and yet she gets to have a whole hula documentary
where she's like, ah, you s a sign. She's only
playing as bass in the background. She might as well be.
I would love to be interviewed in a documentary. If
anyone has a doct A witness, hit me up. I'll
(33:36):
say whatever. I'll say whatever you want to. I'll say
I saw big Foot aliens. Sure, I'll say that I
saw that. I will support your shenanigans. I went to
a bookstore last night and I was like, I wondering.
I was like trying to find the self help section.
The whole time, I'm like, where the fund is the
self help section, Like where is this? And then it
(33:57):
turns out it was like there was an author event
were like people were speaking about this book they wrote,
and the self help section like was right next to them.
So all these people at the event were like watching
me go look at a book that was like why
do you Fail in Love? Over and over again? And
the author was like, so I chose to write this
book about Bigfoot going camping because big And I was like, wait,
(34:20):
you know what you all are the crazy ones? Oh,
something's wrong with me for reading about why I fail
in love and why I have toxic relationships. Well, why
don't you look in the mirror because Bigfoot's fake. That's
what I actually said to them. I said, Bigfoot's not real. Hello,
Bigfoot's Day, and they listen. We'll be talking about this
(34:41):
on future pot episodes. But I just started reading Steve
Harvey's Act like a lady, think like a man. Thank you.
I was gonna reverse it. Act like a man, think
like lady. No, not ladies, ladies. And here's what I
want to say. It's it um. Two absolute insane people
(35:03):
recommended it to me in New York, people that you
would not trust with any recommendation whatsoever. And yet I
said the other night, while looking for something to read
on my phone before sleep, I said, sure, I'll try
a sample of this from the Apple Store. And as
I began to read, I literally was like, I would
like to invite Steve Harvey to have dinner at my
house and host a bunch of single friends of mine
(35:25):
so we could hear this wisdom because it was very helpful. Well,
pass it on to me once I'm done with my
year of magical thinking. Maybe I'll have my year of
thinking like a man. How about that? Until then, I
love you, Devin, love you, Carol, true our, romantic love me. Baby,
(36:05):
don't leave me again. I want true less,
Hello, and welcome to True Romance. I believe it's called
and Uh. I just want to say Happy Valentine's Day.
This episode is coming out on Thursday, but today, Tuesday
is Valentine's Day. I want to say something about Valentine's
Day for the single girls. You know what I'm really
sick of. You know what I nearly hate. Yeah, Yalentine's Day,
(00:40):
or like, happy Valentine's Day to my girls, single girl,
like anything that commodifies like being single on Valentine's Day
and just being with your girls. I don't know why
I hate it so much. I think it's because it
feels like a consolation prize and I'm like, I don't
want to hang out with anyone. I just want to
be sad about this, Okay, and I'm not even sad.
I usually like feels weird, but it usually feels weird
(01:04):
on this day. I usually feels wood on this day.
But I think, listen, I think Valentine's Day is fucking stupid. Um,
but I also am really glad to have plans with
female friends tonight. Actually, um, so I'm going to see
John Early's show that's really fun. My friends Hailey and Hannah,
(01:25):
and then do we want to talk about your sexual
feelings towards ghn Early. I mean, there's not much to say.
Besides I think he's incredibly deeply attractive and so fucking hot,
and I can't do anything about it because he's gay.
It's the same way I feel about Matt Rogers, like
I'm great, great, thanks for showing me that God and
I shall never touch it. Um. And I know these
(01:48):
men think they've struggled with being queer and assists hetero society,
but I've struggled more with not being allowed to have
without them rush on them. Yeah, okay, so I'm going
with them. And Hailey's husband also surprised her with tickets
to the same show, so they're gonna go separately on
a date, and I'm going to be with the gals,
(02:08):
as they say. I've gone back and forth a lot
about like the recovery from the breakup, being like I
should just be allowed to be as sad as I
want to be, and like just feel the feelings and
just be sad, and like it just is what it
is and I have to just go through it and
don't escape the feelings Versus the fact that I'm like
kind of pretending I like don't know better if that
(02:29):
makes sense, Like I have a lot of these like
old ideas about myself where I'm like, Okay, I'm just
fucking insane right now, Like I'm insane. And even to
my psychiatrist, I was like, okay, I'm being crazy, Like
I was like, I think I need to up my medication,
Like I just I'm like reacting so crazy to this breakup,
(02:49):
like whatever by coping mechanisms are so bad, it's it's awful.
And then he's like, Okay, can you like list some
of the things that aren't working or like that are
bad coping mechanisms, or like can you list some of
the things that you have done that's helpful? And I'm
like listening it and he was like, Okay, it doesn't
sound abnormal at all. It's like a normal response to
a breakup. I don't think you have to change your medication.
(03:11):
I was like, so you don't think I have a
personality disorder based on how I'm feeling right now. Um,
And then it's like I have this thing of like
I'm hopeless. I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
Like what am I supposed to do. Someone tell me,
but it's like people have told me, I just haven't
been doing it. Like I was talking to my friend
Haley yesterday and I was like, I had just such
(03:33):
a bad depression day, Like I couldn't get off the couch,
and it's just so hard to like exercise, it so
hard to do anything when you're depressed. And she was like, well,
one thing you could do, like is try tricking yourself
into doing things like I like to go for a
walk in the morning to get my coffee. And then
it's like I had to get up out of bed
because I went to get the coffee. So this morning
(03:53):
I woke up. I the first thing I did after
checking all the social media of my ex which I
now it's literally like it's just muscle memory. I'm like, Okay,
check this person story, this person story, this person is
that that that got it? Okay, uh no updates? Okay,
got it? And then I listened to Valentine by Fiona
apple Um and then Hailey texted me and she's like,
(04:14):
did you go for a walk to get coffee? And
I was like, I'm a little busy I've been. Your
schedule isn't as stacked as mine. But I've had things
to do this morning. I have a lot of songs
to listen to, so I'm like, fine, whatever, I'll fucking
try something different. I'd go on the walk. I'm in Seattle,
by the way, the extent of like the beauty that
(04:37):
is surrounding my airbnb that I have completely ignored by
like staying inside and being depressed most days, I was like,
this is actually just like a joke that this has
just been sitting here this whole time and I haven't
gone outside. It was so stunning and like everywhere I
looked was just like natural beauty. And I chose, even
though I wanted to listen to my sad breakup playlist,
(04:58):
I chose to listen to this podcast on MPR called
how to Get Over Someone, and it was just basically
talking about like doing the opposite of what you feel
like you want to do. So that's that's what I
did this morning, and it honestly was effective. Also, guess
how many times I checked my excess social media on
(05:18):
the walk? Zero? One time? Just one, okay, and it
was about an hour long walk, so that's really good.
I also am trying to think I'm trying to change
my thinking around. So basically, I'm like trying to take
this approach of like I'm just going to do the
opposite of what I want to do, and so I
(05:38):
want to hate Valentine's Day. I want to be like, wow,
must be fucking nice. I want to be like, oh,
all you people who choose to commit to each other
and like show acts of love every day and like
whatever the fuck that is. But instead I'm going to
try to be like, Wow, love is really cool. I
actually love love. I love being in love. I love
(05:58):
loving someone, and I think everyone should be able to
do that and that's great. And just because one person
wasn't able to do that with me, that's okay. I
feel fine about that. I really liked everything you set
up until the end where the record scratched. Um. Yeah,
I It reminds me what you're talking about reminds me
(06:20):
of when RuPaul name Drop was talking to Will and
I and he said, the answers to the universe are
out there, just nobody cares about them. Like all of
the answers are out there. We know all the answers
were we know you, you know, being of service to
the world is helpful. We know, you know, meditation works,
we know exercise works, we know that things don't last forever.
(06:44):
We know all of these things how to feel better
there there couldn't be more information out there. That isn't
to say it's easy, but it is to say that
there's a lot of answers in terms of, you know,
we are not the first people to recover from breakups.
There's a lot of answers how how to feel better
in this specific area. There's a lot of answers even
on how to meet new people. There couldn't be more
(07:06):
resources on how to meet new people. It's still uncomfortable,
it's still painful work. You know what I've been telling
people recently. I had a friend who is frustrated with
the online dating world, and I actually quoted you. I said,
you know, I am an avoidant. I don't like it.
But Devon has really emphasized that you have to put
the work into meeting people online. It's not just like
you're not going to run into someone online when I
(07:28):
go on once a month, who's going to be the
person I have to go on painful days. I have
to walk through the discomfort, and I wish there was
an easier way than just doing the right thing. I
wish I could wait until happier me just falls into
my lap, but that's just not the case. And and
I really do think like going outside is something that's
a big deal. There's been plenty of times where that's
(07:49):
been not postable for me. And as you know, me
and the sun don't haven't necessarily a glowing relationship. UM.
I've always been avoidant in my romantic life and also
physically I don't. I don't like going outside UM before
or five pm. So that is a big deal to
decide to UM join the world, so to speak. The
(08:12):
trick is the trick. So the trick is like, Okay,
I'm going to get a really good coffee if I
walk half a mile. And then once I walked the
half of the mile to get the coffee, I was like, wow,
it's so beautiful out here. There actually happens to be
a park right next to this coffee shop. Why don't
I walk through the park. So yeah, that's the trick.
I think the apps it's interesting because the UM the
(08:32):
podcast that was like how to Get Over someone also
said like, when you're ready, you should go back on
dates with people, which I'm not ready at all. I'm
completely emotionally unavailable due to being in love with someone
who doesn't want to be with me. But I also
am in Seattle, and I know there is there is
no drug. Two men on apps like a captain that
(08:58):
says I'm only in town for else shore period. It
is cat nip. It is. It is literally like offering
drugs on the street. So I decided to go on
the app and just be like, I'm only in Seattle whatever,
And um, I will say, like, it is helpful to
just have strangers be like you're attractive. Like that just
feels validating and at the same time it's also kind
(09:22):
of freeing to be on like to be doing that
process when I literally don't give a funk about these
people at all, like no offense to them. I'm just
like I can't possibly care about another person right now.
So that being said, it is a little like upsetting
to remember how terrible men can sometimes be. Right, It's
a range from disappointing to terrible. Yeah, um, some are entertaining.
(09:47):
I don't know, but this is the thing about life obviously,
Like you just said, it's like it turns out that
like everything everyone tells you, it's is like true in
the end, it's like, oh, exercise actually makes you feel better. Really,
I'm gonna actually try to do. I that for the
first three decades of my life and then you're like, oh,
it actually does help, like move your body whatever. And
like all I've heard my whole life is like you
have to love yourself to be with someone else, Like
(10:09):
you have to learn to be okay with just yourself.
And I never once have tried to do that. And
thinking about like the past like a few years, it's like, Okay,
I was in like a significant relationship in my early twenties.
I chose to get out of that to like basically
to be like I'm gonna like live my own life,
like I don't want to like get married to this
person and settle down yet. And lucky for him because
(10:31):
he ended up going on to win the Bachelorette. Um,
so he's doing well. And then meanwhile me um. I
then was like single for a year where I I
did very minimal, like I like didn't learn to be
okay with myself at all. I just like was like
a little bit crazed for a year. And then I
(10:51):
got into a relationship, got out of it. A month later,
met someone else, got into another relationship, got out of
it three months later, met my most recent X. You know.
So it's like I haven't really been alone with myself
at all, and I've also continued to choose people who
I'm like like there's like something that I can like
obsess about and like try to figure out about this
person and like try to like change them and try
(11:12):
to be enough for them, and like I just haven't
sat with myself. So like, I guess that's what I'm
gonna try to do. That's what I've been trying to
do for the past few hours. I'll say, I really
like that perspective. I think that I have a similar one,
which is that I agree I've never loved myself fully completely,
(11:35):
or that the times I have, I swear and I'm
not just saying this, I have been a magnet two
men the times where I'm just like, I love myself.
You are lucky to be with me. Honestly, any guy
who meets me should be obsessed with me. That was
literally how I met my first, you know, serious boyfriend
in college, to the extent that he constantly was like,
I'm obsessed with you, You're amazing, etcetera, etcetera. I really
(11:59):
do think self love brings results in your love life,
and I think that I'm at a place right now
where I'm not completely in acceptance of what I look like.
I'm not. I don't think i'm quote unquote unattractive. I
just I'm my physically different than I've ever been in
my life, and that especially given some romantic rejection I
(12:20):
experienced last year, it's been really hard for me to
feel like it's going to be worth it, like I'm
going to have a good time going out on dates
and watching my friends, who I think are perfectly able
bodied and not, you know, don't have to deal with
some of the things I have to deal with physically,
and watching them struggle makes me even more resistant to
(12:41):
going out there. But I also look at evidence of
women who just love themselves and find themselves relationships with
people who feel similarly, and so I really have to
look at the right evidence. I have to look at
the evidence that supports me going out in the world,
not the evidence that supports me going in, because I
will find that I will find proof that I should
(13:03):
not go out in the world, and I need to
just look at the proof that says, no, you're safe,
go experience love. It does exist. It does. Oh, it's
so funny how easy it is. Like when your friends
(13:25):
like hear me hearing you talk about it's so easy
for me to be like, are you kidding? Like you
don't think love exists out there? For you? Obviously it does.
But then like for myself, I'm like, no, she she
she shall not be loved. She will not be loved,
contrary contrary to Maroon five, she will actually not be loved,
contrary to Adam Levine, who once said she will not
(13:45):
be loved and then also said, oh I may have
to see that booty. Um, some people feel neither. All right,
So this is the thing the industries of self help
will tell me I need to love myself. Meanwhile, why
does it seem that it is easy for some girls
to hook up with celebrities? Why does that never happened
(14:06):
to me? I feel like I should hook up with
the celebrity like and and it just is so it
doesn't seem like it will be in my path. Um.
I have conflicting opinions about this, Okay, a few things,
one of which is that I believe that most actors
and musicians are cheaters. And I'll explain why where do
(14:26):
they find their cheating? People like it? I think. Okay,
you're like, oh no, I know what. Why can't it
be me though? Right? And so how does it happen? No?
But I think this is the thing. I think. It's
like I think these types of celebrities they only go
after like the Instagram, like bikini model girls. Okay, so
that's just not me because I'm actually deep and if
(14:47):
you can't see, I actually have stacks of books right
next to my computer. But she's holding up three books
because I am really an intellectual. So I guess that's
just the difference between me and the girl who Adam
Leavin aimed his son after after he Yeah, you also
don't have a bbl um and you have human size lips.
You don't have lips that touch your nose and your
(15:08):
chin at the same time. Okay, I think that I
have a big button and big lifts. You know, that's
not what I was talking about. So let's not play
lost in translation, shall we. It's so funny. This reminds
me of there's this charity, Sheldrick Trust, which is one
of my favorite charities that works with um abandoned elephants,
orphaned elephants. It's pretty much like both makes me cry
(15:30):
and makes me smile all at once. And I found
out that there were um two men heirs to a
fortune who helped fund the charity and help you work
with it. These men happen to be freakishly hot, freakishly hot,
and not just hot like family Anderson's sons are hot.
They are hot. And they're also literally flying helicopters to
help injured lions and tigers and help rescue elephants. So
(15:53):
their posts are literally like, today we helped save a
tiger's foot, today we helped a lion get better her
And I'm staring like literally ready to rip my clothes off,
and you know, meet them wherever they want. I decide, Hey,
I'm gonna look at the people they follow to see
like what kind of romantic entanglements they may have found
themselves in. I think that I have found them, like
(16:15):
I think that I've literally found, you know, gold in
the rivers of California. Yet I see who they follow,
and all they have are like relationships with Instagram models,
like Instagram models that are like freakish, the kind of
girls who can wear em Roda's swimsuit line and look amazing.
So that's not great. I know. Well then it's it
goes back to like men are stumb like stupid and dumb.
(16:38):
Like it's like I remember, um, so when I was
dating I like showed a picture of Larsa Pippen and
I was like, look how bad she looks now? Like
she has a huge BBL, she has huge fake lips,
like she used to be so beautiful. And I was like, oh,
she looks so bad. He was like, oh, I think
she looks good and I was like really, And I
was like really, so you want me to look exactly
(16:59):
like that way? So I will, all right? Cool, So
I will just calculating the cost of a BBL in Mexico.
I will be doing that to you soon, booking my
Spirit Airlines flight to to loom. I Um, did they?
I mean, I don't even want to know. B b
(17:20):
l s are so disgusting to actually watched the surgery.
They're so dangerous there. I don't know why. I think
I was just at a last resort place where I
was like, Okay, I don't want fake tits. Maybe I'll
just get a fake ass and then looking at footage
of what they do to your butt when they give
you a BBL, I was like, or maybe self love
is just going to have to be the cheaper, easier
(17:42):
away with minimum down time in a hospital and no
chance of your butt fat leaking to the rest of
your body and killing you. I am pro plastic surgery,
as you know, as we both are, So whatever you
want to do to make you make yourself more comfortable,
it's totally fine. But I think that the Instagram model
(18:02):
I I don't want to be with someone who would
choose an Instagram model over me. That's what I'll say.
I want to be with someone who falls in love
with me. My dream person is someone who thinks that
I'm as great as an Instagram model, and not just
because I want to be with, you know, a great guy,
but girls I identify with the girls I have fun with,
(18:22):
the girls who get me, I feel like, are the
kind of girls like you, like most of our friends
who most of all of our straight friends rather who
when we talk about loving Chatting Tatum, they're like, oh
my god, he's so hot. When we talk about loving
Jack Black, they're like oh my god, he's so hot,
because they're like normal human beings who love the soul
of the experience of a person and don't just see
(18:42):
people like who can sexualize like intellect, sense of humor,
understand life. And I think a more clear, concise way,
if a girl said to me, when I talk about
Jack Black, you what are you talking about? I would
be like, I don't know how to speak to you
anymore because we are on a different level. We don't
understand this. We are not just your shallow quote unquote,
but like, if you don't understand the sex appeal of
(19:03):
someone like that, then then what do you understand? What
are you attracted to? You probably the kind of girl
who just hangs out with other attractive girls without like
considering their character. And by the way, you don't have
to look too deep into my own personal relationship history
to see that I'm able to sexualize a sense of humor. Um. Now,
(19:23):
on the subject of chanting Tatum, further things that have
been helpful to me are attending. I mean, this was
like this was a thing from God and one of
the one of the listeners, and I'm sorry that I'm
so religious now, it just it just kind of happened,
as we knew heard on my last episode, I'm a
praiser of our Lord and Savior. Are I listened to
our last episode and literally every other sentence, Devin goes, well,
(19:46):
I was talking to Jesus Christ, and we know that
I was talking to our Lord and Savior and I
was speaking in tongues jay Zu. Okay, So jay Zu
did put into my path a gift. And one of
our listeners wrote in about it, which is that Magic
Mike's Last Dance came out shortly after my breakup. I'm
on I'm on week three of the breakup now, and
some would say I'm actually technically on week one because
(20:08):
I did stop all contact this week, which l O L.
In the last episode, there was like a listener question
I was like, oh, I don't really know, like people
are different. They're like, do you have to stop contact
with someone to get over them? And I was like, um,
I don't know, people are different, Like I don't have
the answer to this. And now I'm like, no, you
actually do. Um, well, I mean you do if you're
like me. I guess people are different. But it's like
(20:29):
when you're in the position of having strong feelings for
someone who doesn't want to be with you. It's not
great to be like texting them about small talk because
you'll think like, oh, their name comes up and you're like, oh,
it's him saying I actually made a mistake and I'm
wrong and you're perfect and I wouldn't want to be
with anyone else. And then the dishonest with yourself. You're
not being real with yourself, You're not being real about
(20:50):
your motives when you're staying in contact with an X
there is for me. Sorry, but you fully interrupted me
and started talking about something else, and now I don't
even remember what I was saying. Okay, Well, if you
want to talk about interrupter, you can look at your
own family. And when I say that, I mean Cookie.
Cookie has been interrupting our podcast ever since you got her,
(21:11):
and you need to get real about the kind of
people you keep in your life, because Cookie has attacked
you multiple times. I have said not a word, okay,
but I was in the middle of the joke and
you like interrupted and started talking about something else, and
then I didn't get to finished what I was saying.
Cookie has done that to me so many times on
this podcast. I don't even know how to count. I
don't even know how to count anymore. Well, what I
(21:32):
was trying to say was you will see the person's
name pop up on your phone and you're like, oh,
they're texting to say I actually miss you so much
and I only want to be with you, and I
don't want to be with anyone else because you're perfect
and no one compares to you. And then the message
is like, I just watched this documentary it was pretty
boring or something, and you're like, great, Um, So it
(21:53):
reminds me, Okay, go ahead. It reminds me of when
I was in high school and I was a sophomore
really hoping to be invited to junior prom and a
junior came up to me, Jordan Parr, and said can
I talk to you for a second? And my heart
started beating like a rabbit, and I said, yeah, what's up?
And I knew that he didn't have a prompt date.
(22:13):
And he said, are you really Mormon? Because I joked
that I was Mormon, and I was like, this could
not be the conversation. Different pages. Yeah, You're like, okay,
I guess we're on different pages because literally, if you
said do you want to come over and have sex
with me in my garage tonight? I would have said yes,
and instead you are asking me about my religious preferences
because of a joke I made about being Mormon. It's
(22:35):
actually like, I mean, so I'm rereading um The Year
of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, and I know she's
talking do not have to be that bad? Well, she
it's really helpful though, because like she talks about like
obviously it's about like the death of her husband, but
she's talking about like this magical thinking thing of like
(22:55):
I'm like thinking like a child, like I know this
is irrational, I know it makes no sense. And she
talks about believing that her thinking could change the reality
of the situation. Like I think he's actually coming home,
I think, And like that's literally how I've been operating
where I'm like, no, no, I think he's actually changing
his mind right now. I think, right now, in this moment,
he's probably talking to someone who's like, wait, Devin, she
(23:16):
was actually the best, and then he's gonna be like, oh, yeah,
she was the best. Okay, let me call her right now,
let me show up at her door, Seattle. That's not
too far. Let me hop on over, Like that's how
my mind's been working, so maybe I have to combat that. Um.
But the point was. One thing that helped me combat
that was going to see Magic Mike's Class Dance, which
(23:39):
I don't even know if you can call it a movie.
It is a completely nonsensical collection of moments on screen,
some of which are absolute pure pornographic ecstasy, and some
of which are totally insane. And like the fact that
(24:01):
this was chosen, like it just I kept thinking, I
was laughing, so I mean, it's it's one of those
movies that's like so bad it's good. Like I was
laughing so hard at the actual plot points because I
kept thinking, like, wow, someone was like in a room
being like okay, So then he's gonna say, do you
still want to get back together with your ex? And
she's gonna be like no, I'm over him. And then
(24:22):
he's gonna be like, oh, but I want your ex's money,
and she's gonna be like wait what, and then he's
like just kidding, And that's a whole conversation, you know,
or like it just it it None of it made
any sense. The whole plot of the movie is just
that like basically Mike, who ended the second movie like
doing really well and like seemed fine, but like in
(24:45):
the third movie, it's like he's really down and out
because of COVID, and there's a there's a British narrator
for some reason saying that, like he's down and out
and he didn't survive the pandemic with this furniture business,
so now he's a bartender. And then saw Mahaiak like
wants to pay him for a up dance, and then
they have like the hottest sex scene I've literally ever seen.
(25:06):
Like I was screaming, and I felt again as I
always do in the Magic Mike movies, like I was
like I should not be watching this in public, Like
this is totally inappropriate the amount of turned on I
am watching this um And then she's like, I think
you have a talent and I want you to like
put on a show in London. So it's basically becomes
an advertisement for Magic Mike Live in London. And then
(25:27):
like the plot is just basically like I don't even know,
like there's something about her ex husband I don't understand
at all, but it was like one like as Danny
Pellegrino says one star, but also five stars, like I would,
I would have one thousand percent, would watch its seventeen
more times, but it also was completely horrible. He might
(25:48):
as well be on the moon, it might as well
be science fiction. I'm not there for the logic. I'm
not really there for the story. We are really there
for Channing Tatum's body, and honestly, samahayaks boobs, which she
looks like trying to about God, talk about God coming
down and blessing us. She looks so good. At one point,
she takes Magic Mike to dinner with all her friends
(26:09):
because she's this rich lady and she wants to show
him off. And then she's like, Mike, tell all my
friends about your show. And he's like, uh, well, it's
sort of like this, and she's like, don't tell them,
it's supposed to be a surprise. And then like they
just move on from that, Like, wait, that was crazy.
Why did she do them? Like she's kind of emotionally
abusive to him. She like screams at him all the time.
(26:31):
It's just like it's so it's so perfect. Oh, I
love a good breakup movie. I mean, I was really
thinking about going back to s a TC, starting from
the top, starting from the top of Sex of the City,
(26:52):
having to watch through a lot of bad jokes, a
lot of old humor that doesn't hold up, and you know, I,
as we all have seen on Instagram, it looks like
Carrie and Aidan get back together and the next season
of it just like that, which talk about no plot there.
I cannot wait for the worst TV I've ever seen,
(27:13):
which was j Diaz and the first season of um
and just like that. I'm very excited for plot lines
that don't make sense, pieces of dialogue that we never
hear back from, because this stuff is like valium to
the brain. Sometimes I need a TV show, a series
with barely any steaks, with barely any conflict, when I
(27:35):
feel overwhelmed by my life. You know, I really like,
never have I ever on Netflix? Really teenage shows like
The Summer I Turned Pretty has no conflict in it
is a girl in a beach house and there's a
bunch of guys around her. That's really it, and um it,
it puts me to sleep. I imagine it's what people
give patience when they're supposed to be in a self
(27:58):
induced coma and that is really helpful to me. I
think it's it's okay to do what you're doing, which
is to say I am falling apart. I need to
experience that. Okay, I need to go out in the world.
I think we're always on that beam between when am
I supposed to shut it down? When do I actually
need to push myself a little bit? And after a
breakup is a really extreme period of that. You know,
(28:21):
it's like being sick, where you're like, Okay, I should
drink soup, I should spend a day just in bed,
I should just watch TV. I shouldn't worry about work,
And then it's kind of when you're you have to
be honest with yourself, like I still I'm not feeling great,
but I need to rejoin the workforce. I need to
rejoin the world. I need to respond to text messages.
And it makes me think of our good friend Hannah,
(28:45):
who once said every day I wake up thinking I
should stay in bed all day, and then I do,
and I feel horrible. And our instincts aren't necessarily going
to make us feel better. Our instincts are like driven
by our in our pleasure center, where it's like, don't
want to work out. I want to eat, I want
to not shower. I just want to sit in bed.
I just want to think about I want to scroll
(29:06):
on Instagram until my brain turns to mush, and that
just does not That's not relaxing as you would think
it would be. That's on a day off. That makes
a day go by in like two seconds and you
feel disgusting afterwards. So I really have to act as
a parent to myself, is what I'm trying to say. Yeah,
I mean I say this while me and Devon could
not look worse on a zoom page together. I trually
(29:29):
look like one of the drug addicts in the background
of breaking bad. And I'm not gonna roast you, Devon,
but I'll just say that when I go on you
always have your hair pulled up, like we are always
in comfort clothes. Okay, I really don't appreciate you speaking
for both of us in terms of looking bad, But
all right, um, I am still fragile and still healing
(29:51):
in case you couldn't tell it just because she looks
that she's okay, don't judge someone on their appearance until
you walk a mile in your shoes, and if you
walked about in my shoes, you would know that I'm
actually still healing and I'm very nervous about my appearance.
And I actually have a scheduled appointment today to dye
my hair, which like blonde ish m And I think
(30:17):
that's like a really low healing It's a low stakes
breakup move. It's like it I already got a tattoo.
It's like I could get another tat tattoo. I'll show
you a picture later. Wait, but what is it? Well,
I'll tell you later. But our readers want to know.
That's too bad for them. You guys, if you do,
(30:38):
if you want to know, you can d MS and
we'll tell you. I'll probably past it on Instagram at
some point. But there's that There's just so many things
that drastic things, and I think just dyeing my hair
is like a pretty low stakes one. So I'm gonna
do that, and I'm pretty excited about it. I was
only said to say we look comfortable together. You do
(30:59):
not look bad by any means. Okay, thanks thanks for clarifying. Ohive,
what else do we talk about? I've said need to say, Well,
to wrap up this episode, please right in if you
would like us to cover any more breakup recovery aspects.
Um we have both obviously been through it in different
(31:23):
stages in the past year or so. And what else
say it sometimes you need to compare yourself to someone
else to realize that you are actually in a good place.
And and I don't recommend this documentary because it's too dark,
but I look back at the Sarah Lawrence kids. I
was at Sarah Lawrence as we know, Wait, why are
you looking at me like that? Because I'm like, where
(31:45):
the hell are you going with this? I'm saying that,
like I was devastated, Sara LaRence. I was incredibly depressed.
Little did I know there was a fucking cult being
run less than a mile away from me in a basement,
and I was the one who thought my life was
a mess. We're all feeling Okay, It's what I'm trying
to say. So you're saying there's always someone who has
it worse than you. Yeah, okay, that's exactly what I'm saying.
(32:08):
And there's always an Instagram model you can compare yourself to,
or you could compare yourself to someone who didn't have
a good parental figure in their life and so went
for a guy named Larry that crashed on their roommates couch. Okay,
can we just say also about that documentary, like no
victim blaming involved. But of course there was a girlfriend
who was like, um, this guy's fucking weird and I
(32:30):
don't trust him, and her boyfriend was like, Okay, you're wrong,
and actually he could really help you. There's always like
an instinctive woman in these cult things who's like this
actually seems really fucked up, like I don't like this guy,
and then her boyfriend or husband is like, wow, you're
sick and I hope you heal. And then in the
end she's right. But does she get to be happy
(32:52):
about it. No, because people have, people have become prostitutes
at this point, people have been trafficked, and so no,
she can't even enjoy the vindication of being right. And
I think that's sad. I think that she looked kind
of happy to be right actually, and I this is
so weird and this is just how my brain works.
I was jealous of her, like I was like, wow,
can you imagine being right on that scale? We've all
(33:14):
been right in certain you know, experiences, especially with an
X and wanted to literally make a billboard about it,
and yet she gets to have a whole hula documentary
where she's like, ah, you s a sign. She's only
playing as bass in the background. She might as well be.
I would love to be interviewed in a documentary. If
anyone has a doct A witness, hit me up. I'll
(33:36):
say whatever. I'll say whatever you want to. I'll say
I saw big Foot aliens. Sure, I'll say that I
saw that. I will support your shenanigans. I went to
a bookstore last night and I was like, I wondering.
I was like trying to find the self help section.
The whole time, I'm like, where the fund is the
self help section, Like where is this? And then it
(33:57):
turns out it was like there was an author event
were like people were speaking about this book they wrote,
and the self help section like was right next to them.
So all these people at the event were like watching
me go look at a book that was like why
do you Fail in Love? Over and over again? And
the author was like, so I chose to write this
book about Bigfoot going camping because big And I was like, wait,
(34:20):
you know what you all are the crazy ones? Oh,
something's wrong with me for reading about why I fail
in love and why I have toxic relationships. Well, why
don't you look in the mirror because Bigfoot's fake. That's
what I actually said to them. I said, Bigfoot's not real. Hello,
Bigfoot's Day, and they listen. We'll be talking about this
(34:41):
on future pot episodes. But I just started reading Steve
Harvey's Act like a lady, think like a man. Thank you.
I was gonna reverse it. Act like a man, think
like lady. No, not ladies, ladies. And here's what I
want to say. It's it um. Two absolute insane people
(35:03):
recommended it to me in New York, people that you
would not trust with any recommendation whatsoever. And yet I
said the other night, while looking for something to read
on my phone before sleep, I said, sure, I'll try
a sample of this from the Apple Store. And as
I began to read, I literally was like, I would
like to invite Steve Harvey to have dinner at my
house and host a bunch of single friends of mine
(35:25):
so we could hear this wisdom because it was very helpful. Well,
pass it on to me once I'm done with my
year of magical thinking. Maybe I'll have my year of
thinking like a man. How about that? Until then, I
love you, Devin, love you, Carol, true our, romantic love me. Baby,
(36:05):
don't leave me again. I want true less,
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