September 22, 2021 • 19 mins
This episode features Confidence Coach Christen Shefchunas, who works with athletes at all levels from Olympians and NCAA All Americans to high school athletes. As a former Division I head coach, Christen watched too many women miss out on their potential because of their lack of confidence. Realizing that there was a lack of resources, Christen left her 16-year coaching career and started Coach Christen, a business focused on helping female athletes. In this What’s Her Story “Author Snack Series” we discuss Christen’s new book, 30 Days to Confident and the keys to unlocking your inner confidence.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Today, we're so excited to welcome Kristin Chef sunas a
woman whose name you might not yet know, but she
is incredible. She is a confidence coach, which means she
is talking to women at the top of their game,
Division one and Olympic athletes and CEOs of corporations you
know well and amy. She is the author of Thirty
Days to Competent, which makes her our next author. The
(00:30):
next series featured guest. So, Kristen, how did you become
a competence coach? Well, I was a swim coach for
sixteen years. Thirteen of those years I was a college coach,
and I was an assistant at Michigan State for two
years and then at s m U for four years,
(00:51):
and then I became the head coach at the University
of Miami in two thousand six. When I became a
head coach, let's just say my first few years, the
only word I can really use to describe it is tumultuous.
I failed miserably. It was hard. I did pretty much
everything wrong. Because when I was at SMU, we were
(01:14):
one of the top programs in the country. I was
the assistant coach, the head coach, and I had a
great relationship because we were complete opposites. He's the type
of coach that thinks swimming seven. I'm the type of
coach that thinks about the women, their confidence, you know,
life outside of sport, and that's what I helped them with.
And so he took care of the swimming. I took
(01:35):
care of the women. Well, then when I became head coach,
I thought, okay, well, now I need to be what
I think a head coach is supposed to be, right,
I need to take care of the swimming. I need
to hire somebody to take care of the women. Well,
I'm embarrassed to say that it took me four years
to realize that wasn't working. You know, I was hired
(01:56):
to rebuild a struggling program, and four years later we
were still struggling. I mean, we were not good. So
then when I decided, okay, let me stop blaming everybody
else and take a look at myself. I surrounded myself
with mentors and they were like, you know, well, what
what are you great at? And after four years of failing,
it's hard to remember what you're great at, right, And
(02:18):
so I didn't really know. And then they said, well,
what made you a great assistant coach. Oh, well that's easy.
I took care of the women. I took care of
their confidence, and they said, well, you need to start
doing that. I said, well, that's not what head coaches do.
And they said, hey, you can keep doing the same thing,
or you can, you know, start using your gifts. And
let me say, at that point, I'm the only female
(02:40):
head coach you know, in swimming in in the A
C C. So I'm already kind of standing out like
a sore thumb, right, so, you know, doing this making
this change in my program, I'm going to stand out
like a sore thumb even more. But I'm so thankful
I took their challenge and so I hired an assistant
coach that thought swimming in and I started taking care
(03:02):
of the women and I gave them an hour each
week where they could come in and it was their
safe space to be authentic, just speak truth. And it
completely changed my program. What's funny is that probably actually
was swimming related. Everything else was just life you know related. Um,
(03:25):
but anyway, it completely changed my program. It completely changed me.
And what I realized is it's not the swimming that
I love so much it's the women and their confidence.
So in I took a huge risk and left my
college coaching career and wanted to start doing this one
(03:46):
on one work with female athletes to help them with
their confidence. And how did that impact their performance? Well,
I am such a big believer that confidence always revolves
around truth. Um, you know this old fake it till
you make it and all that stuff. I don't believe
that you truly make it. I think that when we
keep you know, those fears and doubts and all that
(04:09):
stuff that you know, it's too embarrassing I don't want
to talk about, and and we shove it down, you know,
into the darkness, hoping that it goes away. It doesn't
go away. Um, it becomes like an anchor in us
and we go to take a step forward into our
potential and we can't move. But when you know, we
start speaking our truth and getting rid of that anchor
(04:30):
and being our authentic selves, it gets rid of it
so we can start taking steps forward into our potential.
And that's what's happened with so many athletes who have
come to me, and they've been stuck for so long,
and they're blaming you know, they're blaming their coach. They're
blaming you know, anything and everything except themselves. And when
(04:50):
they start taking a look at themselves and start speaking
truth and getting honest, it gets rid of that anchor
and they're able to step forward. What is the hardest
part about your job? Well, some people will not crack.
Some people, you know, they have been taught that, you know,
to speak your truth and admit that is weakness. And
(05:11):
especially in the sports world, right like, you cannot talk well,
I guess it's everywhere, it's not just the sports world.
But you know, I can't talk about this. I can't
admit that. I'm afraid. I can't, you know, admit this
because it makes me look weak. And some people, you know,
because no matter how many examples I give, you know,
(05:31):
no matter how many times I say, hey, I work
with the best in the world, and here are their fears.
You know, here's they're scared to death too. Some people,
you know, it's it's just too hard to crack them.
But when people finally crack and get real, that's where
real change happens. What techniques do you have to get
someone like that to open up? Well, you know, I
(05:54):
number one have to be my authentic self. So I
share all my junk as well. But you know, a
lot of what I like to do is and I
do this when I speak as well, because I've talked
to so many, you know, female athletes, and I've asked
them the question, you know, what are you thinking in
that pressure to perform moment? Right For swimming, it's right
(06:17):
behind the blocks, right before you race, you know. For
other sports, it's walking out onto the field. You know.
For business women, it's walking into a presentation or walking
into a meeting where you're the only woman there. What
is going through your mind? And I've kept a list
of the top things that I hear, you know, with
people who are willing to get honest with me, and
it's really scary stuff. Like you know, when I first
(06:40):
started doing this and started realizing the terror that people
are feeling, it's it's just so funny because you know,
what I've learned about fear is everyone experiences it, but
everyone also thinks they're the only one experiencing it. And
when you think you're the only one, you're not going
to talk about it, you know, because something must be
wrong with me. I must be weak, you know, This
(07:02):
idea of mentally tough. I'm failing miserably, and so nobody
ever talks about it. So I like to share. You know,
swimming Olympic trials was two weeks ago. If you only
knew what I went through that week, you know, with
my clients, and they're terrified and they're crying, and they're
you know, they're scared to death. And that's okay. It's
not about you know, not being afraid. It's about learning
(07:24):
how to handle those fears. So, yeah, most people will crack,
but there are some that it has just been ingrained
in them. I am not allowed to say this, I'm
not allowed to admit it, and and they won't crack.
So what do you say to those people who do crack?
What do you say to get them into a headspace
so that they're not going out into the field or
the boardroom or the pool with terror. Well, what I
(07:49):
do like to say is you're gonna go there. You're
gonna go to the fear, You're gonna go to the doubt.
I mean, I think that that's normal. And the reason
that I say that too, is because we beat ourselves
up when we go there. What's wrong with me? You
know why? Am I so nervous? You know, I must
be weak or I must there must be something wrong
with me. No, you're gonna go there. It's very normal.
(08:12):
You just can't stay there. And for you know, most
of my work is figuring out where do we go
when we're in that fear? Where do we go? And
for me, again, it's always truth. You speak to women,
why not men? Well, I mean I do work with
men occasionally. But the reason you know I made the
(08:34):
decision to make my business all about women is because
you know, women are never the priority. What are the
gender differences in confidence? Well, I think that there's a
lot of differences obviously. You know, as women in the
world that we live in, we have a completely different perspective,
and I do think that you know, how we process
(08:55):
things can be very different. You know, I'm sure you
guys being in the busin this world. You know, you've
heard the the example of you know, if there's a
job opening and there are ten prerequisites, and you know,
if a woman doesn't have all ten, she will not
apply for the job. But if a man has, or
excuse me, if a man has one of the prerequisites,
(09:17):
you know he will go for the job. And I've
asked men, what is that, right, and they're like, well,
who cares, Like, let's just see what happens, And I said,
I think that that's where we start as women, like yeah, okay,
I'm gonna go for it. But then all of a sudden,
we start processing and going through our brain and we
start thinking what if I go in there? And they
(09:37):
asked me a question, I don't know, what if you know?
I go in there and they're like, you don't even
have all the prerequisites. What are you doing here? You know?
And we start these what ifs, going worst case scenario
of course, right, and we just start taking steps back
from our dreams. So I think, you know, these what
ifs are kind of my main focus and really focusing
(09:59):
in on what are these what ifs? Because when a
what if enters a woman's mind, almost always we go
worst case scenario. We rarely walk into, you know, a
pressure filled moment thinking what if this is the greatest
moment of my life? You know, we're thinking about everything
that can go wrong, and we're scaring ourselves. We're throwing
(10:20):
ourselves into panic and going never mind, never mind not
going after that? And what helped you personally gained so
much confidence in your life speaking. Look when I was
the head coach at Miami, you know, I had the title,
I had a rep to protect. You know, I nobody
knew what was truly going on inside of me. I
(10:40):
was in turmoil. I was lonely, I was you know,
I didn't I didn't have confidence, but I was going
to make people think that I did have it, and
in I believe it was. I started counseling and I
found a woman who cracked me, and that big wall
that I had up, it got knocked down, and you know,
(11:01):
I mean, it just all came out. And I just
realized that confidence comes when you have nothing left to hide.
And I was hiding so much. You know, I was
just performing for everybody and not being my authentic self.
So I started speaking. I started being real. I got
(11:22):
rid of that anchor. I started being who I am
instead of who I thought everybody else wanted me to be.
How do you take your message to women executives at
corporations rather than sports teams and athletes. Well, what's funny
is I was doing a confidence seminar with for moms
and daughters a couple of years ago with with an
(11:43):
Olympic swimmer, and I did my talk, you know, which
revolves around those pressure to perform, you know, moments, and
how to how to handle those. And when I was
done with the first session, one of the moms came
up and she made a b line for me when
I was done speaking, and she was very intimidating. You
(12:05):
could tell she had it together, you know, she was
you could see she was a powerful woman. And she
came up and she's like, this isn't just an athlete thing.
I was like, okay, talk to me. She's like, I'm
an attorney. And she said, I know I'm smart. I
prepare my butt off, I know what I'm doing, and
I walk into court feeling confident. She goes, but the
(12:29):
minute I get into court, she goes that swinging door
to get to my table. She goes, that swinging door
is because I used behind the blocks moments for swimmers, like,
because behind the blocks is the scariest moment where you're
feeling the pressure. She said, that swinging door is my
behind the blocks moment. She goes, the minute I walked
through that swinging door, it's as if I have no
(12:50):
confidence left. And then she goes and you know what
pisces me off the most, She said. I look over
at the other table and there's a man standing there
who I know isn't as smart as me because I've
been up against him before and I know full well
he hasn't prepared like me. Yet he stands there with
so much confidence. And I was like, Yeah, this isn't
(13:12):
just an athlete thing, you know, is it? So whenever
we are feeling the pressure and those what ifs, you know,
this tidal wave of fear is coming on. You know,
it doesn't matter if you're standing behind the blocks at
the Olympic Games, or again you're walking into a presentation
or a really important meeting. You're feeling the pressure. The
fears are coming, the doubts are coming. How do we
(13:34):
move forward from that? So Christian, you mentioned mothers and daughters.
Do you see any patterns in the families that have
raised more confident children? You know, I think when kids
are allowed to be their authentic selves, I think that
that is really you know, where I see it the most.
Where they don't they don't live in a home where
(13:55):
they have to tap, dance or perform like they can
truly be you know, themselves. And I also think that,
you know, because I have worked with a lot a
lot of clients who really struggle with feeling the pressure
from their parents. And we all know that we we
want to make our parents proud. You know what, if
(14:18):
I disappoint my parents, That's one of the top things
that I hear from athletes. We already want, you know,
to make our parents proud. When parents are throwing more
pressure on them, and especially when they will actually get
in trouble if they don't perform at a certain level,
(14:38):
let me tell you, like, the pressure just gets too
much for these kids. So I remember one pit when
I was in college, one of my teammates, dad said,
you know, when it comes to swimming, he goes, here's
how I do it. He said. If they're dry, I
say good luck. If they're wet, I say good job.
And that's the only thing I say about sport. And um,
(15:00):
I just think that that's so important, you know, to
not put extra pressure because the kids already feel it.
And I've just seen too many kids get completely broken
down by the pressure and the fear of getting in
trouble because they don't perform well. So what I've noticed
in interviewing a lot of successful people, is that no
matter where they came from, whatever socioeconomic situation or problems
(15:24):
in their childhood, if they had parents who made them
believe that they could be anything they set their mind
to and really consistently told them how awesome they were
and kept with that message, they had a much better
shot of becoming a hugely successful adult. Does that mirror
what you've seen? Oh? Yes, absolutely, I mean I think
(15:46):
I was just having this conversation last night. You know,
somebody used the example of they had heard this story
about a kid who came from not a great background
but ended up taking the S A T and his
score was like genius level and when he saw that,
he's like, oh my gosh, I really am smart. And
then went on to college and then got his m
(16:08):
b A and then became a CEO and stuff like that,
and later down the road. I don't know if this
is true or not, but she was telling me this
story later on down the road. After that, like he
found out that they had um accidentally doubled his score,
so his his score was like half of what it was,
But because he believed he was a genius, he went
(16:30):
on to do great things. So absolutely, absolutely what you
learn in your home, you know, is going to be
what you take with you. What are you insecure about?
Where do you lack confidence today? If anywhere? Oh of
course I do. I mean I struggle just like everybody
else does. And I think that that's important for everybody
to understand, is like, they're gonna be days you got it,
(16:51):
and they're gonna be days where you really, you know, struggle.
But I will say, you know, I grew up thinking
I wasn't that smart, right, So that's what I've struggled with,
is not feeling very smart. So when I'm speaking in
front of business women, I see them as geniuses, you know,
and I'm not, you know, not that smart. So you
(17:12):
know what if they're like, who is this swim coach
coming in here to talk to us? Why is she?
You know what if they think I'm a moron? What if?
You know? So that always goes, you know, through my mind,
and you know the truth that I always have to
pull myself back to is because again you're gonna go there,
you just can't stay there. So the truth I pull
myself back to is, you know, they didn't bring me
(17:35):
in here to talk about algebra, because that would be awful.
They brought me in here to talk about confidence. I've
been doing this for a really long time. I know
what I'm talking about, and I'm actually good at what
I do. If you you know, could see any future
for yourself, and this goes to confidence, like where do
you want your career to go? Honestly, Like, I absolutely
(17:57):
love what I do. I love, love, love speaking, so
I definitely would love to do more of that, but
I will never I will never stop doing the one
on one work because that is where I learned the most.
And I think the greatest change comes from, you know,
when you have that safe space to come in and
(18:19):
just you know, speak truth. I think it's just been
like so life changing, you know, for so many of
my clients. It's my purpose. Tell us about your book.
It's called Thirty Days to Confident, and it's a thirty
day confidence challenge for female athletes specifically, um I wanted
to do something special, you know, for female athletes, So
(18:42):
it is thirty days. You know, I thought of the
thirty most important lessons about confidence that you know, that
I felt was important. So every day you read a
short you know, story and then there's a journal section
and you have to answer these tough, challenging questions. So
the goal is to spend fifteen to twenty minutes a
(19:03):
day on your confidence for thirty days. And what I
say is I plant the seed with the story, you know,
the lesson and the questions, and then you have to
water that seed with the work and these questions that
I ask you know again, they're not shallow, easy questions.
They are let's go deep and get to the root
(19:26):
of what's really going on. If you enjoy What's Her
Story with Sam and am Me, please do leave review
wherever you get your podcasts, and do let us know
what you think of the author's snack series by commenting
on Instagram at What's Her Story Podcast
Today, we're so excited to welcome Kristin Chef sunas a
woman whose name you might not yet know, but she
is incredible. She is a confidence coach, which means she
is talking to women at the top of their game,
Division one and Olympic athletes and CEOs of corporations you
know well and amy. She is the author of Thirty
Days to Competent, which makes her our next author. The
(00:30):
next series featured guest. So, Kristen, how did you become
a competence coach? Well, I was a swim coach for
sixteen years. Thirteen of those years I was a college coach,
and I was an assistant at Michigan State for two
years and then at s m U for four years,
(00:51):
and then I became the head coach at the University
of Miami in two thousand six. When I became a
head coach, let's just say my first few years, the
only word I can really use to describe it is tumultuous.
I failed miserably. It was hard. I did pretty much
everything wrong. Because when I was at SMU, we were
(01:14):
one of the top programs in the country. I was
the assistant coach, the head coach, and I had a
great relationship because we were complete opposites. He's the type
of coach that thinks swimming seven. I'm the type of
coach that thinks about the women, their confidence, you know,
life outside of sport, and that's what I helped them with.
And so he took care of the swimming. I took
(01:35):
care of the women. Well, then when I became head coach,
I thought, okay, well, now I need to be what
I think a head coach is supposed to be, right,
I need to take care of the swimming. I need
to hire somebody to take care of the women. Well,
I'm embarrassed to say that it took me four years
to realize that wasn't working. You know, I was hired
(01:56):
to rebuild a struggling program, and four years later we
were still struggling. I mean, we were not good. So
then when I decided, okay, let me stop blaming everybody
else and take a look at myself. I surrounded myself
with mentors and they were like, you know, well, what
what are you great at? And after four years of failing,
it's hard to remember what you're great at, right, And
(02:18):
so I didn't really know. And then they said, well,
what made you a great assistant coach. Oh, well that's easy.
I took care of the women. I took care of
their confidence, and they said, well, you need to start
doing that. I said, well, that's not what head coaches do.
And they said, hey, you can keep doing the same thing,
or you can, you know, start using your gifts. And
let me say, at that point, I'm the only female
(02:40):
head coach you know, in swimming in in the A
C C. So I'm already kind of standing out like
a sore thumb, right, so, you know, doing this making
this change in my program, I'm going to stand out
like a sore thumb even more. But I'm so thankful
I took their challenge and so I hired an assistant
coach that thought swimming in and I started taking care
(03:02):
of the women and I gave them an hour each
week where they could come in and it was their
safe space to be authentic, just speak truth. And it
completely changed my program. What's funny is that probably actually
was swimming related. Everything else was just life you know related. Um,
(03:25):
but anyway, it completely changed my program. It completely changed me.
And what I realized is it's not the swimming that
I love so much it's the women and their confidence.
So in I took a huge risk and left my
college coaching career and wanted to start doing this one
(03:46):
on one work with female athletes to help them with
their confidence. And how did that impact their performance? Well,
I am such a big believer that confidence always revolves
around truth. Um, you know this old fake it till
you make it and all that stuff. I don't believe
that you truly make it. I think that when we
keep you know, those fears and doubts and all that
(04:09):
stuff that you know, it's too embarrassing I don't want
to talk about, and and we shove it down, you know,
into the darkness, hoping that it goes away. It doesn't
go away. Um, it becomes like an anchor in us
and we go to take a step forward into our
potential and we can't move. But when you know, we
start speaking our truth and getting rid of that anchor
(04:30):
and being our authentic selves, it gets rid of it
so we can start taking steps forward into our potential.
And that's what's happened with so many athletes who have
come to me, and they've been stuck for so long,
and they're blaming you know, they're blaming their coach. They're
blaming you know, anything and everything except themselves. And when
(04:50):
they start taking a look at themselves and start speaking
truth and getting honest, it gets rid of that anchor
and they're able to step forward. What is the hardest
part about your job? Well, some people will not crack.
Some people, you know, they have been taught that, you know,
to speak your truth and admit that is weakness. And
(05:11):
especially in the sports world, right like, you cannot talk well,
I guess it's everywhere, it's not just the sports world.
But you know, I can't talk about this. I can't
admit that. I'm afraid. I can't, you know, admit this
because it makes me look weak. And some people, you know,
because no matter how many examples I give, you know,
(05:31):
no matter how many times I say, hey, I work
with the best in the world, and here are their fears.
You know, here's they're scared to death too. Some people,
you know, it's it's just too hard to crack them.
But when people finally crack and get real, that's where
real change happens. What techniques do you have to get
someone like that to open up? Well, you know, I
(05:54):
number one have to be my authentic self. So I
share all my junk as well. But you know, a
lot of what I like to do is and I
do this when I speak as well, because I've talked
to so many, you know, female athletes, and I've asked
them the question, you know, what are you thinking in
that pressure to perform moment? Right For swimming, it's right
(06:17):
behind the blocks, right before you race, you know. For
other sports, it's walking out onto the field. You know.
For business women, it's walking into a presentation or walking
into a meeting where you're the only woman there. What
is going through your mind? And I've kept a list
of the top things that I hear, you know, with
people who are willing to get honest with me, and
it's really scary stuff. Like you know, when I first
(06:40):
started doing this and started realizing the terror that people
are feeling, it's it's just so funny because you know,
what I've learned about fear is everyone experiences it, but
everyone also thinks they're the only one experiencing it. And
when you think you're the only one, you're not going
to talk about it, you know, because something must be
wrong with me. I must be weak, you know, This
(07:02):
idea of mentally tough. I'm failing miserably, and so nobody
ever talks about it. So I like to share. You know,
swimming Olympic trials was two weeks ago. If you only
knew what I went through that week, you know, with
my clients, and they're terrified and they're crying, and they're
you know, they're scared to death. And that's okay. It's
not about you know, not being afraid. It's about learning
(07:24):
how to handle those fears. So, yeah, most people will crack,
but there are some that it has just been ingrained
in them. I am not allowed to say this, I'm
not allowed to admit it, and and they won't crack.
So what do you say to those people who do crack?
What do you say to get them into a headspace
so that they're not going out into the field or
the boardroom or the pool with terror. Well, what I
(07:49):
do like to say is you're gonna go there. You're
gonna go to the fear, You're gonna go to the doubt.
I mean, I think that that's normal. And the reason
that I say that too, is because we beat ourselves
up when we go there. What's wrong with me? You
know why? Am I so nervous? You know, I must
be weak or I must there must be something wrong
with me. No, you're gonna go there. It's very normal.
(08:12):
You just can't stay there. And for you know, most
of my work is figuring out where do we go
when we're in that fear? Where do we go? And
for me, again, it's always truth. You speak to women,
why not men? Well, I mean I do work with
men occasionally. But the reason you know I made the
(08:34):
decision to make my business all about women is because
you know, women are never the priority. What are the
gender differences in confidence? Well, I think that there's a
lot of differences obviously. You know, as women in the
world that we live in, we have a completely different perspective,
and I do think that you know, how we process
(08:55):
things can be very different. You know, I'm sure you
guys being in the busin this world. You know, you've
heard the the example of you know, if there's a
job opening and there are ten prerequisites, and you know,
if a woman doesn't have all ten, she will not
apply for the job. But if a man has, or
excuse me, if a man has one of the prerequisites,
(09:17):
you know he will go for the job. And I've
asked men, what is that, right, and they're like, well,
who cares, Like, let's just see what happens, And I said,
I think that that's where we start as women, like yeah, okay,
I'm gonna go for it. But then all of a sudden,
we start processing and going through our brain and we
start thinking what if I go in there? And they
(09:37):
asked me a question, I don't know, what if you know?
I go in there and they're like, you don't even
have all the prerequisites. What are you doing here? You know?
And we start these what ifs, going worst case scenario
of course, right, and we just start taking steps back
from our dreams. So I think, you know, these what
ifs are kind of my main focus and really focusing
(09:59):
in on what are these what ifs? Because when a
what if enters a woman's mind, almost always we go
worst case scenario. We rarely walk into, you know, a
pressure filled moment thinking what if this is the greatest
moment of my life? You know, we're thinking about everything
that can go wrong, and we're scaring ourselves. We're throwing
(10:20):
ourselves into panic and going never mind, never mind not
going after that? And what helped you personally gained so
much confidence in your life speaking. Look when I was
the head coach at Miami, you know, I had the title,
I had a rep to protect. You know, I nobody
knew what was truly going on inside of me. I
(10:40):
was in turmoil. I was lonely, I was you know,
I didn't I didn't have confidence, but I was going
to make people think that I did have it, and
in I believe it was. I started counseling and I
found a woman who cracked me, and that big wall
that I had up, it got knocked down, and you know,
(11:01):
I mean, it just all came out. And I just
realized that confidence comes when you have nothing left to hide.
And I was hiding so much. You know, I was
just performing for everybody and not being my authentic self.
So I started speaking. I started being real. I got
(11:22):
rid of that anchor. I started being who I am
instead of who I thought everybody else wanted me to be.
How do you take your message to women executives at
corporations rather than sports teams and athletes. Well, what's funny
is I was doing a confidence seminar with for moms
and daughters a couple of years ago with with an
(11:43):
Olympic swimmer, and I did my talk, you know, which
revolves around those pressure to perform, you know, moments, and
how to how to handle those. And when I was
done with the first session, one of the moms came
up and she made a b line for me when
I was done speaking, and she was very intimidating. You
(12:05):
could tell she had it together, you know, she was
you could see she was a powerful woman. And she
came up and she's like, this isn't just an athlete thing.
I was like, okay, talk to me. She's like, I'm
an attorney. And she said, I know I'm smart. I
prepare my butt off, I know what I'm doing, and
I walk into court feeling confident. She goes, but the
(12:29):
minute I get into court, she goes that swinging door
to get to my table. She goes, that swinging door
is because I used behind the blocks moments for swimmers, like,
because behind the blocks is the scariest moment where you're
feeling the pressure. She said, that swinging door is my
behind the blocks moment. She goes, the minute I walked
through that swinging door, it's as if I have no
(12:50):
confidence left. And then she goes and you know what
pisces me off the most, She said. I look over
at the other table and there's a man standing there
who I know isn't as smart as me because I've
been up against him before and I know full well
he hasn't prepared like me. Yet he stands there with
so much confidence. And I was like, Yeah, this isn't
(13:12):
just an athlete thing, you know, is it? So whenever
we are feeling the pressure and those what ifs, you know,
this tidal wave of fear is coming on. You know,
it doesn't matter if you're standing behind the blocks at
the Olympic Games, or again you're walking into a presentation
or a really important meeting. You're feeling the pressure. The
fears are coming, the doubts are coming. How do we
(13:34):
move forward from that? So Christian, you mentioned mothers and daughters.
Do you see any patterns in the families that have
raised more confident children? You know, I think when kids
are allowed to be their authentic selves, I think that
that is really you know, where I see it the most.
Where they don't they don't live in a home where
(13:55):
they have to tap, dance or perform like they can
truly be you know, themselves. And I also think that,
you know, because I have worked with a lot a
lot of clients who really struggle with feeling the pressure
from their parents. And we all know that we we
want to make our parents proud. You know what, if
(14:18):
I disappoint my parents, That's one of the top things
that I hear from athletes. We already want, you know,
to make our parents proud. When parents are throwing more
pressure on them, and especially when they will actually get
in trouble if they don't perform at a certain level,
(14:38):
let me tell you, like, the pressure just gets too
much for these kids. So I remember one pit when
I was in college, one of my teammates, dad said,
you know, when it comes to swimming, he goes, here's
how I do it. He said. If they're dry, I
say good luck. If they're wet, I say good job.
And that's the only thing I say about sport. And um,
(15:00):
I just think that that's so important, you know, to
not put extra pressure because the kids already feel it.
And I've just seen too many kids get completely broken
down by the pressure and the fear of getting in
trouble because they don't perform well. So what I've noticed
in interviewing a lot of successful people, is that no
matter where they came from, whatever socioeconomic situation or problems
(15:24):
in their childhood, if they had parents who made them
believe that they could be anything they set their mind
to and really consistently told them how awesome they were
and kept with that message, they had a much better
shot of becoming a hugely successful adult. Does that mirror
what you've seen? Oh? Yes, absolutely, I mean I think
(15:46):
I was just having this conversation last night. You know,
somebody used the example of they had heard this story
about a kid who came from not a great background
but ended up taking the S A T and his
score was like genius level and when he saw that,
he's like, oh my gosh, I really am smart. And
then went on to college and then got his m
(16:08):
b A and then became a CEO and stuff like that,
and later down the road. I don't know if this
is true or not, but she was telling me this
story later on down the road. After that, like he
found out that they had um accidentally doubled his score,
so his his score was like half of what it was,
But because he believed he was a genius, he went
(16:30):
on to do great things. So absolutely, absolutely what you
learn in your home, you know, is going to be
what you take with you. What are you insecure about?
Where do you lack confidence today? If anywhere? Oh of
course I do. I mean I struggle just like everybody
else does. And I think that that's important for everybody
to understand, is like, they're gonna be days you got it,
(16:51):
and they're gonna be days where you really, you know, struggle.
But I will say, you know, I grew up thinking
I wasn't that smart, right, So that's what I've struggled with,
is not feeling very smart. So when I'm speaking in
front of business women, I see them as geniuses, you know,
and I'm not, you know, not that smart. So you
(17:12):
know what if they're like, who is this swim coach
coming in here to talk to us? Why is she?
You know what if they think I'm a moron? What if?
You know? So that always goes, you know, through my mind,
and you know the truth that I always have to
pull myself back to is because again you're gonna go there,
you just can't stay there. So the truth I pull
myself back to is, you know, they didn't bring me
(17:35):
in here to talk about algebra, because that would be awful.
They brought me in here to talk about confidence. I've
been doing this for a really long time. I know
what I'm talking about, and I'm actually good at what
I do. If you you know, could see any future
for yourself, and this goes to confidence, like where do
you want your career to go? Honestly, Like, I absolutely
(17:57):
love what I do. I love, love, love speaking, so
I definitely would love to do more of that, but
I will never I will never stop doing the one
on one work because that is where I learned the most.
And I think the greatest change comes from, you know,
when you have that safe space to come in and
(18:19):
just you know, speak truth. I think it's just been
like so life changing, you know, for so many of
my clients. It's my purpose. Tell us about your book.
It's called Thirty Days to Confident, and it's a thirty
day confidence challenge for female athletes specifically, um I wanted
to do something special, you know, for female athletes, So
(18:42):
it is thirty days. You know, I thought of the
thirty most important lessons about confidence that you know, that
I felt was important. So every day you read a
short you know, story and then there's a journal section
and you have to answer these tough, challenging questions. So
the goal is to spend fifteen to twenty minutes a
(19:03):
day on your confidence for thirty days. And what I
say is I plant the seed with the story, you know,
the lesson and the questions, and then you have to
water that seed with the work and these questions that
I ask you know again, they're not shallow, easy questions.
They are let's go deep and get to the root
(19:26):
of what's really going on. If you enjoy What's Her
Story with Sam and am Me, please do leave review
wherever you get your podcasts, and do let us know
what you think of the author's snack series by commenting
on Instagram at What's Her Story Podcast
Hosts And Creators
Samantha Ettus
Amy Nelson
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