April 5, 2021 • 60 mins
Jana is hurt and upset after her ex shared a photo of their wedding day with some harsh words about their failed marriage.
Financial expert Lynn Richardson helps Jana and Mike get to the root of their money issues… with some hard truths for Mike.
Her advice leads to tense confrontation that don’t want to miss!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Flying Down and Michael and podcast. So we talked about
pop cultures sometimes on the show, and our producer sent
us a story um on Rommy Mallick and Rachel how
do you say your last name? Bison? And at first
I was like, what's the big deal here? You know, like, okay,
(00:22):
she posted a picture of them and it was right
before the Oscars, but so what was so? Explained the story?
Rachel posted a picture of them from like years ago
on a project they worked on. They worked on. It's
just before the Oscars when Rommy won for Bohemian Rhapsody,
and he had like an issue with it and didn't politely,
(00:45):
but it was like take it down and had an
issue with it? Was it like nice about or anything
like that? And I was just like, why is this
even being written about right because to you it felt
what just pointless? It's okay he didn't like the picture
she put one up, big deal? Like why why is
this a story right now? You know what I mean? Yeah?
(01:07):
I was kind of feeling the same way. But it
was interesting because we were talking about it on the
car today. He's like, hey, let's not bring up the
Ramy story and I was like, well, something happened today
at the nails salon while I was sitting there just
like looking through Instagram and Twitter, and it kind of
bothered me. And it reminds me of the Rami situation,
(01:30):
and you're like, well, what was it? So my ex husband,
because I guess he technically was a husband, um he
So he tweeted out a picture of our wedding day
and said I had to explain this photo to my son,
(01:50):
to tell him that I'd been married three times and
that his mother was the one that, um, you know,
I should have ended up with. But he tags me
in it, and I'm like why, Like first of all,
like what are you? Why are you tagging me in it?
And secondly, like we're friends, Like there's no like bad,
(02:11):
like his his wife is my best friend, you know,
like we've been great. But it kind of rubbed me
wrong because I was just like, a don't want a
photo of me technically on our wedding day, Like why
are you posting a photo of our wedding day that's
from the past, And like I don't I didn't want
to see that photo on my Twitter, nor do I
want and you're now you're tagging me in it. So
(02:33):
I don't want other people to see that photo, Like, yeah,
you can google it if you're like searching and you
want to see it. But I necessarily like that, like
it bothered me, and I think like people were so
because I was even like, why would he ask her
to take that down? That's so stupid. But then I'm like,
because it's probably a picture that I mean, I haven't
seen the photo. Was he did he look? It wasn't
(02:57):
the most flattering picture he had some waiting his face,
you know, it wasn't. It wasn't the most flattering picture
of him. Now, so I feel like, you know, whether
he looks he's look at, whether he was flattering the
picture or not. Maybe that's the past memory, Like I
don't personally, like a part of me wanted to. And
I ended up texting John and saying because he started
(03:19):
to continue commenting about like how it was a horrible
day and nothing was real about it, and I'm like,
can you be nice and not say mean things about
me on Twitter? And he's like, it wasn't real, it was,
And I'm like it was the first of all, it
was so long ago, and why are you tagging me
and dragging and so I'm like, I'm annoyed that it's
still there. So part of me wants text and be like,
(03:41):
can you take that down? Because why are you tagging me?
What are you getting? Like, I don't, I don't understand.
I know it's stupid because we just thought the rammy
thing was stupid, but then it happens to me and
I'm like, oh, I don't like it. I don't. I don't.
I would never post a photo, nor would you were
married of like an X of ours and say like, oh,
(04:02):
like you know, I had to explain to Julian Jays
I dated someone before, yeah, And I'm like and I
would never like, yeah, okay, I would never post that,
And I think it's okay for someone to say, hey,
can you take that down? Like that bothers me like,
so I don't I now understand Romy's thing like he's
probably like he was just about to get nominated for Oscars.
(04:22):
He probably didn't want this photo floating around because Rachel's
of notoriety and she's known and well, of course the
media outlet's going to take that photo and run with it,
of course. So it's like, I wouldn't want that photo
if I was him if if I don't feel flattering
in that photo and it was, you know, I think
we're the misstep on that was he should have at
least thanked her after he took after she took it down.
(04:44):
Like that's where you know, I'm like out of just politeness.
Like if I was to ask John to take the
photo down, I would say thank you, because I mean
we're friends and everything. But should I ask him to
take that down because it bothers me? I mean, I
think you're within your rights, And it was until you
(05:05):
told me that story earlier today, I didn't really painting
mind to this whole Rachel and Rami thing. But then,
you know, a lot of people, I'm sure that our
listening can relate where it's like, you know, someone tagged
you on a picture on Facebook or Instagram that you
didn't like, and shoot, I even remember like in college
and it's like, oh, don't tag me in that one.
I look terrible in that right, And it's like you don't.
(05:28):
And usually your friends of the goal sorry, you know,
because they know they didn't look at you in the photo.
I think it's funny though, because the only reason that
this is a conversation yours. Yeah, you look beautiful in it,
but it's it's I don't want to see that, right,
But it's it's a picture that like there's no reason
(05:49):
to be out there, but I will say I tagged me,
but I got right. When I married his mother at
Cremer at Cremer Going, I lasted a week we weren't meant.
But for this photo and friendship, it's like, Okay, I
get you, like call like we're friends, yes, but like
I don't want to see that either, Nor do I
want to see my dead dog who I loved so
much in a wedding dress because you know, yeah, um,
(06:13):
But I think it's funny unless it's a bad memory
picture if the person looks good who was tagged in it,
Like you know, all right, you know what I mean.
If someone posted like a smoking picture of you back
in the day and there's no bad memory around it,
You're like, alright, there's someone post a terrible picture of you.
(06:35):
You like, take that down, you know what I mean.
So I think it's just funny because that's how it
would be if if Ramy looked like himself in that
picture that Rachel posted, Like if there is like no change,
would you have an issue with it. Probably not, And
I just I think it's okay though, regardless of like
(06:58):
for him to ask, Yeah, for sure. I think the
whole the bad press around it was like, you know,
he wasn't the nicest about it, or it wasn't you know,
thankful afterwards. Who knows how many times that story has
been filtered until it got to us. But um still,
I mean, like you said, comparing to your situation, it
(07:19):
made more sense to me, Well, it was. Yeah, it
was just one of those things where I was like,
it was just the timing of it was so strange
because I'm just scrolling on Twitter and I'm like, uh,
what very interesting. I don't want to see this photo
And why are you tagging me in it? For me
to see this photo? Are you gonna ask him to
take it down? It bothers me then ask him to
(07:41):
take it down and just be like, look, I know
what you're trying to share. I know you're trying to
share the fact that you had to tell your son. Honestly,
can I just say stop? I'm gonna stop right there,
because if that was it, I would have no problem
with it. It was how he was commenting in the
threats like there was nothing good about that day and
you know, nope, wor stay it's like those things. I'm like, okay,
(08:04):
can you like I get it wasn't like, you know not,
you know, we ended up breaking up a week later.
But you don't have to comment so negatively if that
unless that's your purpose of them posting it, because that
then that changes for me. Does that make sense? Yeah,
But at the same time, he could easily post that
without posting a picture. You'd be like, Oh, my seven
(08:28):
year old came to me and, you know, asked me
about some wedding photos from previous marriages and unexplained to me,
And where did a seven year old find a photo
of our wedding? Right? Why is that anywhere in their house? Yeah?
Probably isn't. Well, no, I'm probably googled it or something.
And and then you know, maybe maybe he was with
his dad, you know, John, and they were googling. I
(08:48):
don't know, but yeah, but I just it can be
done without the picture, and especially the negative comments said.
If it was just the picture and the kind of
like the thought behind it, I would say, okay, you
know whatever, fine, I'll get over it. But then it's
the negative comments in there that I'm like, you say,
(09:09):
we're a friend, but then you're just saying how awful
it was, so that's now not nice. Let me ask
you this. I think this will answer the question for
you whether or not you should say something. What would
your therapist say to do exactly, Mike Drop, do you
know what she would say? What do you think Amy
(09:31):
would say? Amy? And any therapist pretty much would say.
I would ask you about it, why it bothers you
and say, well, it clearly bothers you, and don't suppress
your feelings because of someone else. Speak maturely from a
good place and share how it makes you feel, and
that you politely request for them to take you down,
(09:54):
and what about it hurt you? Right, but it doesn't
hurt me. It just it bothers me, Like I just
I'm I'm annoyed by it because of the stuff that
comes after the photo to like the negative comments, right,
And if you don't address it now, then next time
you see him or around them, you might find yourself
(10:16):
to be short and annoyed frustrated with them because you
never addressed it, and it will remind you being like
how you post that picture, it's such a dick move. Hm,
you know, so you're just avoiding resentment bye wow, honey
therapy with my Yeah, I don't know. I'll think about it.
I just I don't I don't even know if he
(10:37):
would understand. So it's sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's easier
for me just to let things go because sometimes I
don't think that they would understand. Other people would understand
for sure the other side of it, um, and even
if he doesn't, that's his work, right. Well, that's like,
you know, when we were having the text comvo, because
(10:57):
I was like, be nice, like that's not very ice
he and he was just like it was an awful
Like you know, I'm like, okay, it was all a lie.
And I'm like, well, and this is kind of where
it goes back. And I thought all the work that
I've done and I'm not trying to toot my own horn,
but like we could have said our wedding day was
a lie, but it was still my experience was not
a lie. So that's where I wanted to be like, well,
(11:19):
your experience, that is a big testament to your work
because early on and you said everything was a lie. Yeah,
for sure. And so it's like for him to say that,
I'm like, well, that's like, that's actually not accurate because eventually,
but that day wasn't. It's not just because something, you know,
we broke up. It doesn't mean that it's a lie
or it's so it's like I I but then I realized,
(11:41):
I'm like, I've done that work. I can't tell someone
else that work because they don't They're not going to
recognize that. Now, Oh it sales. You've always said you
want me to be more jealous. I could be a
jealous boyfriend and go kick down his door. Look, you
and John are friends. That's like. Look, John, I just
like the thought of like posting about any x or
(12:05):
you know, in putting them. I I just would never
do that. I don't under I don't understand. But more
of the story, if someone does something to bother you,
it's your job. You're responsible for your feelings and to
express them to somebody. Don't be afraid to do that,
whether it's Jan in this situation or someone else listening,
(12:25):
or me or Eastern or Hannah or Becky O'Riley. I
just got the whole team money. No, it's a good point, um,
all right, let's take a break and let's talk about
something else. So we have a money gur guru coming on,
(12:56):
Lynn Richardson. She's a boss when it comes to everything money.
I mean, she's got so many books on pretty much
any financial topic you can talk about. So I'm really
excited to get her, get her on and pick her
brain about a few things that you and I are
dealing with financially and just obstacles people face. Yeah, because
(13:18):
I think it's interesting because you know, money is one
of those top three divorce It's an argument every single
relationship ever. And it's crazy. Because I was talking to
my therapist Amy and I was telling her, you know,
because that is one of our biggest I would say,
our biggest current fight. We have the underlying resentment on
(13:45):
a on a Yeah, the biggest underlying regular basis yea.
And I told her. I was like, and I've always
because you know, people listen to this podcast, I'm the
I you know, I don't spend as much. I'm a
little more frugal. Mike spends more money. And I said,
I had this insane like breakthrough of why I'm that way,
(14:11):
And it was when we had that conversation on the
couch that night when we were doing Intentional Night, and
I was like, I didn't even realize, like that's where
it was coming from. And it like, I mean, even
like thinking about it makes me kind of like teiod
because I didn't even know the weight that it held,
Like with all the work that I've done, I had
no idea that that was the weight. But Mike and
(14:33):
I were, you know, we were having our intentional night
and we were talking and we were I was coming
from a very good place about some money issues. Um
that was fight that we were fighting about, and um,
sometimes you gotta circle back when you're not angry so
that they go well. And I felt like I was
at a good place and a good time to do it.
(14:54):
And when I started talking about it, I started saying,
how it's just like came out. It wasn't it was
like a total just like it did a moment where
I started to realize that when I started saying it, yeah,
it wasn't even like a planed out thing. It was
just diary of the mouth in terms of just raw
emotional and introspective thoughts coming through your brain. And it did.
(15:19):
It clicked for both of us. Yeah, whereas you know
for me when like why I'm a little bit more
frugal is when I was kind of doing these examples,
I said, you know, now, your parents weren't rich by
any means, but your parents had money. I never had
to give up something for money. Yeah, and so as
(15:39):
as a kid, Yeah, so it's like if you wanted
to go on a spring break, you got to go
if you had to pay for that myself. But but
I mean they would always help. Yeah, yeah, like, yeah,
there wasn't much I lost out on inexperience situations as
a kid. If you wanted to play a sport, they financially,
(16:03):
We're there for you in in in almost every aspect
of your life. And when I started talking about it,
I had to And this is what clicked for me
is I had to give up the one thing that
I loved the most because my parents got divorced and
we couldn't afford it. And when I said that, it
was like the biggest like ah ha moment for me
(16:25):
because I was like, oh my god. I was like,
I'm so terrified of not having money because I don't
want to have to ever have my kids not be
able to do something because we can't afford it or
give something up or lose something again, because figure skating
was everything to me. It was everything. I mean, I lived,
breathed everything. I was in the senior program, all of it,
(16:48):
and I had to give it up because we couldn't
afford it, and it was it was awful. And so
now I think I just and then I you know,
I worked, and I tried to My mom tried to
work three jobs. I saw her hustle and you know
what she was trying to do. But eventually I was like, Okay,
this is just not working for everybody, and you're stretched
up thin, and you know, I was working, and but
(17:11):
it just it was such an aha moment. And I think,
I'm just so scared because I've never had money before,
Like I've never even in my early twenties. You know,
I was scraping. I was like my therapist calls me
a scrapper. Like I was like, I'll find a way,
but like the electricity is getting shut off today, No,
(17:32):
it really did, you know. And that's what I don't
know if I've mentioned on here before or not, but
you know, our first breakthrough kind of understand each other
financially was not too long ago a couple of months
ago where I kind of connected the doubts for you,
where like you're just saying in your early twenties, you're scrapping, clawing,
(17:54):
your power is getting shut off, you're in l a
just like trying to make things work. I was like,
how to pay for another overture a fee? I don't understand.
How's this whole bank thing? Like, don't get it. I'm
like a negative. And then you know, my twenties, Yeah,
you know, I'm making you know, more money than my parents.
I'm making a lot of money. I'm doing well. So
(18:16):
the value of a dollar is significantly different from me
than it is other people around me and other people
in my age range. So you know, and that's when
you start to become, right, an adult is in your
twenties and kind of figure out what you're doing and
where you're going to who you are. And so that's
my initial thing of adulthood, right, It's like I got
all this money, I'm value of a dollar is just
(18:37):
like nothing. So that's the first connection of dots that
Jan and I had to kind of understand each other
a little bit more like, Okay, when I was ball
and doing well, Jenna was struggling, so I can definitely
see how being tighted with money and vice versa. And
then the second biggest one was that when you're just
talking about like two weeks ago or a week ago,
(18:59):
where when she said it too it hit me. I
was like damn. I was like she had to give
up something, and like we're saying, I've never had to
give up or make that kind of sacrifice due to
financial situations. My parents are middle class, you know, hard
hat lunch period, working people, punching the clock, but they
(19:21):
always provided together, so my sister and I could partake
in those activities. So then me referring back to a
child self being like, holy, I can imagine being a
kid and having to do that and how much that
would traumatize me around money. So it's just like over
the past like two months, I think connecting those dots
(19:43):
for both of us is just going to help us
moving forward with financial talks, because I think there's just
so much underlying resentment when one does you know, more
on more spending, one does it. But here's the problem
to know, I was actually talking a lot of stuff
happened at the nail salon today. Okay, I was talking
to my friend Catherine, and I was like, where you
(20:07):
get frustrated with me, is like, I'll spend whatever on
the kids and a family vacation. But and he's like,
but then why can't I get this. I'm like, because
this is for the family, and he's just like, but
like that's five times more. I'm like, but it's for
the family, like so I but also because as a child,
(20:28):
I didn't get those things. So that's another part of
my childhood wounds. And I'm like, I want my kids
to have I don't want my kids to ever miss
a springbreak. Like I had to miss the big cruise
because my parents couldn't afford, you know, to send me
on where all my friends went, you know, so I
never got to go on a spring break minus the
one where my mom drove us down to Florida in
(20:49):
a car because I was like, I can't go because
all my friends are going to like tropical this and cruises.
And even my one friend was like, Lisa, She's like,
my my mom said that we can pay for half
of it for you. And it's like I felt like
a you know, I was like, man, I was just like,
it sucks, but you know, obviously I said no and
I didn't go, but it was just, you know, that's
(21:10):
why I'm like, I want to give my kids everything,
but I can't justify you spending money on a gun
your fifteenth gud. I'm like, what's the point, Like, I'd
rather you're like, this is like way more you're so,
you know, I hope you can see that the pieces
like it's for the kids. I'll never spend it on myself.
You have to force me, like you literally forced me
(21:31):
to buy things for you. But I will say too
because a lot of people are like, you're so out
of touch, and you know, we know how grateful we are.
But I think every relationship has money issues. Every relationship does.
And you know it's funny too because once you have
(21:52):
an amount, you're always gonna want to beat that amount
and then you're scared and so there there's it's just
it's just scary. But again, I'm not complaining. We're very
We're we're healthy, but not healthy and financially in our relationship. No.
And that's the thing. It's like, we're not sitting here
(22:14):
complaining about money that we have or don't have. We're
just talking about how we view it differently, the importance
of you know, where we value it and where we
don't or whatever. So whether you're fighting about a hundred
dollars or ten million dollars, it doesn't matter because it's
(22:36):
still just two people with possibly two different core beliefs
or triggers or traumas or whatever around money that you
just have to navigate it and it is. That's why
it's one of the top reasons for the divorce and
just issues in relationships in general. Well, I'm excited to
get her on, So let's take a break and let's
(22:56):
pop her in the chat room. All right, Lynn, So
we're super pumped to have you on the show. Uh.
You know, I feel like we're talking earlier in the
show about how money is probably our biggest um. It
(23:23):
was common argument, most common argument in our relationship. It's
probably been that way for the last year two It's
always kind of been there though, Like this underlying resentment
kind of thing. Do you what, what is it to you? Like,
why do you think that's so common in marriages? Because
I feel like that's one of the big reasons for
(23:43):
divorce too. Yeah, So who's resentful? I need to understand
the dynamics a little bit better because there could be
all kinds of reasons. So who's resentful? Because that that's
a that's a strong but it's it's an honest word,
and I'm glad to hear it. I think honestly, we
both are. I mean, I think it's right. So let's
just take each person. Tell me why you're resentful? What
(24:05):
are you resentful about? What's happened? Well, I don't know
if i've I think I'm more resentful that she's resentful.
I think it's okay, because let's start. Let's start with
the with the one who kicked off the resentment. Let's
start there and then because I want to work my
way from the beginning and then come back around. Okay,
So I want to say this like politely too, like
(24:28):
I want I feel like I have to easy stuff
to be honest. No, it's okay, because we we can't.
You can't heal what you hide. And money is a huge,
big old deal, but really it's not that much. But
it's what we say, it's what we actually are honest about,
and it's usually the it's the gritty stuff. So so yeah,
just go on and share. Well, I think I First
(24:50):
of all, I appreciate what you can't what you hide,
you can't heal. I love that. That's beautiful. Um. I
think what's why it's hard for me is because I
know when I say like I'm the breadwinner, that how
that translates for a mail and what that makes him feel. Um.
(25:12):
So because I make more of the money, I get
resentful because he spends more of the money than I do.
And so it's frustrating for me when I feel like
I'm working my butt off that he's not caring about
the number or the dollar amount that he's spending. And
(25:35):
so we started to do like a uh, okay, you
can't spend. Let's let's keep our spending under this each month,
and or we're gonna do like a no spend January, right,
so just to see kind of like where we're at
what we could do because I feel he gets where
(25:56):
I feel like he gets resentful of me, is if
because he feels he can't spend anything, or he feels
like I'm being his mom and I'm controlling him. But
really I'm just so scared because I just see these purchases,
So I get resentful of that, and I'm like do
you not know where it's coming from and how hard
I'm working? And and so there's been things in our
(26:18):
marriage where the dollar amount I was just like, how
could you spend this much on video games or the
apps on the phones and the guns, and so it's
just over time, it makes me feel like I feel disrespected.
And so you know, then we kind of got this
dollar amount, like Okay, let's not spend more than five
(26:39):
in a month, or let's do no spend January. And
when he doesn't follow that, I feel very disrespected because
I'm like, I'm not spending the money, but yet you're
not living up to what we agreed on. And we
had a bad therapy session about it, and he's just like,
does it doesn't even matter. I'm like, it does matter.
Like we said we we made it an agreement to
not spend anything, and then you just bought a watch
(27:01):
and and so I start to carry this resentment and
this like I like distressing. I feel disrespected in a
way understood. So, Mike, why do you step outside of
the boundaries of what you agree to? Tell me what
happens when you make those decisions? Um for me? You know,
(27:23):
the trend of things kind of the way I receive
it is when things are good, like between us, it's
our money and Mike, you make enough doing the podcast, Mike,
you make enough with writing the book, and you made
enough doing this and that. And then when some money
has spend or we have to spend a lot on something,
(27:43):
that's her money. And so it's like, tell me what
you mean when we have to spend because and again
I'm not I'm impartial here, but when you say we,
are you actually talking about what we have to spend?
Are you talking about what you want to spend? Both?
There's times where if I spend money or if we
did it was just Christmas, and we as a family
(28:05):
spend a lot of money. It's like who are the
Christmas presents for each other? The family? Who who's in
the family? Our kids? We have two kids, and how
old are the kids? We have a five year old
little girl and a two year old little boy. Okay,
and and me and me kind of where we I
said we'd kind of disagree to is I'll spend because
(28:27):
I didn't have that growing up. I will do whatever
for my kids and spend now to in an extent,
but like I will do a family vacation and like,
I got it. Yeah, let me get back to Mike
go for a second. So so Mike, so, Janna's kind
of shared that she'll do whatever for the kids. So
I know what that is. I've been there, done that,
three kids Christmas toys from the front of the house
(28:47):
to the back of the house. And then I want
to set boundaries when I think it's time to set boundaries. So,
but you're spending tell me what you're spending money on, Mike,
tell me, just give me the things that you want
to spend money on, and how you feel about what
seems like there may be some restrictions or boundaries that
you step outside of what what it seems like to me.
And in the past, it's like even when we said, hey,
(29:09):
any purchase over five hundred, let's discuss with one another. Okay,
There's even been something that I paid for that was
under five hundred and I still received some pushback from it.
And so it's like, no matter what I spend it on,
I feel like I'm always questioned or challenged and more
just out of it's not out of I don't receive
it as curiosity. I received it as being challenged and understood.
(29:33):
And give me an example of something that you spent
under five dred dollars that then you received pushback for
just one one of the things that you've spent under
five hundred dollars. One thing would be we have a
monthly fee of two hundred fifty to three hundred dollars
for a golf club that I belonged to here in Nashville,
(29:53):
and I've gotten pushedback on that, like we're spending two
hundred fifty a month, Like that's a lot of money
and you're not even using it right now, And ask
him how many times he used it last year? Give
me a second. Yeah, all seriously, that's my exact point.
Though it's like that's that's not that's not fair because
(30:14):
it's not right to judge because everybody has their own.
But trust me, I'm getting there, So, Mike, so you
have to give me an example, Give me four or
five examples of things that you spend money on that
you get pushed back for. Um, you know, I do
admittedly know that, you know, I have more hobbies than
most people might might in their lifetime and it and
(30:36):
for me, it's kind of a addiction recovery thing too.
It's like my outer circle stuff that kind of makes
me hold that that keeps my mind busy on healthier things,
and I like to tinker. I'll go down the rabbit
hole on things. So whether it's stuff for uh, you know,
road cycling or firearms that I'm into or whatever thing,
I understand, things do add up, and I don't know.
(31:01):
There's just like this stress around it where I feel like,
even if I were to bring it up, Hey, I'm
thinking about doing this, I'll get up. Really you have
to get that or so, so let me ask you this.
You have a daughter, all right, So what if you
were talking to your daughter about this situation if she
was the and and I'm not making a judgment one
(31:24):
way or the other, but if your daughter was a
breadwinner and she had a husband who coming out of addiction,
praise God for that. That's good. But you've you've admitted
that you'll go down a rabbit hole. It's a rabbit
hole a good thing at times, it is. At times
it's admittedly it's like no, because it will consume me
(31:46):
and I'll just get so. Let me be more specific.
Is spending money that is not necessarily in the best
interests of your long term goal. So long term goals
are our our health, wellness, financial well being, stacking your money.
When you go in the rabbit hole and spend money,
(32:06):
do you think that that is a good thing for
your family? And would you recommend it for your daughter
if she were in a similar situation with a husband
like you. Um hmm, husband like me. Uh, you wouldn't.
(32:26):
I'm gonna help you out there, you wouldn't. So here's
the deal now on the same in the same token, Jannah,
there has there has to be a level of um
first of all, in all things, utter and complete acceptance
and forgiveness, because when you marry someone, you marry them
(32:48):
for their strengths and their weaknesses. I've been the bread
one or two for the great majority of my marriage.
But let me hope you understand something. My husband is
probably the one that's gonna get us both in heaven
because I'm crazy, I'm easy as all get out right,
So he's probably gonna be one standing there holding everybody back,
said don't let her in, don't let her in, And
he's probably gonna be the one to let me in.
(33:08):
So while I have my strengths and weaknesses, he has
his strengths and weaknesses. The truth is, when we come
together as a unit, we've got to um, forgive and
accept because resentment. First of all, you said you would
do everything for your children, Janna, Let me help you
understand something about children. Children don't need parents who are
gonna give them everything. And if you are concerned about
(33:31):
spending money, then you need to be the change that
you want to see. So the best way to get
someone else to do something is to demonstrate how it's done.
So it's a bit of a it's a bit of
a contradiction, and quite frankly, it's a bit um uh.
It's an oxy moron. It's a contradiction, and it's really
a bit of a hypocrite to have really strong boundaries
(33:54):
when it comes to money on one hand, but then
when it comes to the kids, then their kids just
get whatever they want to. Chrisp is a crazy Let
me help you understand something about these entitled children running around.
They're rotten in the evil. Children want everything from their parents.
Parents feel all guilty. I've been there, I've done all that,
but I've raised three daughters. My youngest is twenty one
(34:14):
and twenty five and they started out. I was traveling
all over the world. We were in all kind of
all start cheerleading. I was the breadwinner. My husband would
say something, then I'd say, no, let's not do that.
They're not gon spend a whole bunch of money on
something else that really didn't make any sense. Because let
me help you able to say something. Saying that I
love my kids is not an excuse for being financially irresponsible.
(34:36):
So the one thing that I want you both to
understand is this, both of you have some financial things
that you're gonna have to work on together. And at
the end of the day, Janna, your emotions and feelings
mike your emotions and feelings while they are legitimately yours
and they belong to you, emotions have no place when
(34:56):
it comes to money, because you know what, money is
not even optional we are. Money is factual. Money says
one plus one equals too. It is the most uh.
It is the most reliable thing that you have in
your life. Money is more reliable than a a nagging life.
Money is more reliable than a forgetful husband. Money is
more reliable than some begging children. Money is more reliable
(35:19):
than the weather. Money is more reliable because it literally
says this is how I operate, and I operate this
way every single time. So if one plus one equals
too and if your stuff adds up to ten, it'll
never ever get into two. So what I recommend for
the two of you is to live by a budget.
And Mike, that means when you go down a rabbit hole,
(35:41):
that means that you are still trying to heal. And
I understand I don't understand addiction, um um and and
And I'm not sure in what way you've experienced it,
but we've all had probably most of us have had
some kind of addiction. Me it was a spending addiction.
Literally I would get I would spend money for any reason.
I would loan money to people even when I didn't
have it, so they wouldn't think I was broke, which
(36:03):
I was. So I had to heal that thing. But
the one thing you can't do to heal and addiction
is covered up with another one. What you've actually got
to do, You're being tested to actually move through that
thing and not have it filled up with something that's superficial, artificial.
And I'm just gonna say this now, I am a
firm believer in you doing what you want to do.
(36:25):
But let me tell you something. There's only only so
many golf clubs, watches, video games, and everything else that
you need. At some point, perhaps those resources can be
put into another education, another skill, a home, home based business,
another string of income, um, something that's going to produce
something else, and then out of your reward, then you're
(36:47):
able to reward yourself. So money is not emotional. Money
is very factual. It is reliable in its basic mathematics.
One plus one equals too. So what I want you
all to do is what my husband and I have done.
Was been twenty six years and our money has been
all the way at the top, and then I was
responsible for handling and I messed everything up, and even
then we stuck together. Because when the money is gone,
(37:11):
if you if you lose friends, and this that the other,
when you've got someone there in your life that you
can rely upon, that has your back, that you can
depend on, let me tell you something. You have everything.
So I'd like for you all to live by the
ten ten thirty fifty, the first ten percent of every
dollar that comes into the household. I'd like you to
say I'd like you to give. I'd like for you
all to think about somebody other than yourselves and your children.
(37:34):
Is there a cause that you'd like to give money to,
perhaps UM, the one of the addiction or one of
the other UM low or low to moderate income, or
homeless or something people who are needed. Because good givers
are great getters. And when you learn how to give,
you position yourself for receiving the next ten percent. I'd
(37:55):
like for you to save, either in a four one
k Mike if it's extra money that you get in
from a gig. If you don't have a four one K,
then start your mutual fund or start your self employed
retirement fund. Um Janna. If it give a four one came,
your job would have you. But I want you to
save because the goal for everyone is to have at
least one year of an emergency fund. The pandemic has
(38:16):
showed us that one stream of income has hazards to
your wealth. And if the red rugets f from under you,
then you want to be in position to thrive the
next thirty percent. And I want you all to be
really clear about this. Thirty percent is cash and this
thirty percent is for groceries. Gas, hair, uh, stuff for
the kids, whatever, all the incidentals, the remaining fifty percent stays.
(38:39):
Then you're checking account for your bills now of the
thirty percent for incidentals. Once you take care of groceries
and gas and all your essentials, then the remainder of
that gets split between the two of you evenly. Because
you did not get married to be separate individuals. You
got married to become one. So it doesn't matter who
really made it. You split it in between you two.
So if you only have three, you hunt to the
(39:00):
fifty dollars and spending money for the month, that's all
you get. That's all you get, Okay, And if you
want to go to the movies, I recommend that you
set an appointment for Netflix at the house with the kids,
pop your own popcorn, makes something to drink and eat,
all that kind of stuff. See, we've got to start
teaching our children how to build wealth. That's what children want.
(39:22):
Children want parents who love them and each other, who
know how to get along, and who know how to
teach them become responsible adults mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially.
And then what I'd like you both to do when
you're upset about something when it comes to money, I
want you to write thoughts, disentangle themselves when they passed
(39:44):
through your fingertips. Right, what you're feeling, right, what you're thinking,
Tell the whole truth. And then if you feel like
getting that writing out has helped you to gain perspective,
then perhaps you can now speak to the other person
with dignity, without anger, without resentment. When you write it,
say when you said this to me, it made me
(40:06):
feel this way. Don't say to the other person you
did this to me, you attacked me. No no, no no, no.
Don't tell the earther person what they did. Just explain
how it makes you feel. Because a lot of times
we communicate with someone that we love, we're just talking.
We're not intentionally trying to attack. But if you tell
me I attacked you, I'm gonna say I didn't. But
(40:27):
if you tell me I feel attacked. See, nobody can
dispute your feeling. Right. So when you write, either now
figure out a way to communicate with each other, or
share what you wrote with the other person. Let me
tell you my husband and I there are times when
I've written something to him and it changed his whole
(40:47):
way of doing something. It's times he's written something to
me and I'm like, oh my god, I didn't know
that this is what I was doing. And the truth
is each and every one of us. And I'm gonna
say this to you. Take responsibility for your own toxicity.
You know what's toxic you, you know, and and let
me say this to you, Mike, Retaliating is not uh,
(41:09):
it's not protection you. You as a man, your job
was to protect that household and to be security and
to be the head. Okay, retaliating. So if you said
that if she does something and spends money, then you
feel like you could do it too. And then if
if but if if you did it and she didn't,
forget that that's petty. That's that's kindergarten. Okay, that's that's
(41:35):
on the playground, all right. So sometimes you gotta just
take it in. Sometimes you gotta just take it, but
never feel like you have to either retaliate or because
you did it or when you did it. Come from
another place of what is right and try to come
from another place of power um and doing just what
is truthful. So I kind of went off on a
(41:56):
little preaching speech there but feel free to dialogue with
me about what you think about that, if there's something
that hit you, or if there are are some other
things that I can that I can share with you.
Being as uh financially savvy and mature as as you
and your husband seem to be obviously now, I mean,
you're the guru with all the books and literature and
everything you've done around money. Where's the conflict between you
(42:18):
and your husband? Like nowadays? Is there any at all?
Are you completely on the same page or as still?
There's moments where you guys don't see eye to eye?
Oh yeah, he gets on my last nerves, okay, because
he fits, he forgets things, and I'm like, what the hell?
And then, um, you know, I just have this saying
women are crazy and men are irrational. So sometimes I'm
just crazy, talking talking, talking, talking talking. I know that
(42:41):
gets on his nerves, right, and then he's just irrational.
I'm like, now, how did you put that together? And
then there's no answer. So you know, what I found
is that that's kind of similar with most marriages, most marriages,
and I just decided a long time ago, I'm not
going to I'm not gonna stroke out right because I'm
very grateful of thankful for the things that I can
(43:01):
get away with and recover from and heal from, and
so the same thing for him. But I don't want
you to think, uh, we're mature as it relates to
we we just have some experience. We have twenty six years,
but we've been through it as well. But I'm gonna
say to you, if you start to take the emotion
out and that becomes that is really the big thing,
(43:22):
and you just deal with the dollars. Okay, So at
some point, and I don't care who the breadwinner is,
but if, if, if someone else is the breadwinner, then
I'm gonna be very careful about tapping into those dollars.
And and this is not about who has more power.
It is about honor and respect and and I'm just
(43:42):
gonna say this to you, Mike. I'm gonna say this
because this is this is probably something that that a
woman would think. You know, we grew up as little
girls thinking we'd marry our night and shining armor, and
that night in shining armor would sweep us off into
the sunset, take care of us. This any other well,
that's what that's not how happens and guess what, it's okay.
So for the great majority of my marriage, I've been
(44:04):
the one to go out and grind and kick it
and keep the stuff in. What I'd like for my
husband to do is to acknowledge that, to honor that,
and to honor that with discipline, Honor that with boundaries,
honor that with agreement. And then, Janna, let me tell
(44:27):
you what I give my husband in exchange for that authority.
I can't. I can't run him. As a matter of fact,
I spent so much time being out in the world
running everything else. I want to come home to a
man who can lead me and let me just let
go of something. I'm tired, Okay, but I've got to
(44:47):
give the authority. I've got to relinquish authority. I'm gonna say,
give it. I gotta relinquish authority and allow him to
grow in authority. And then I've got let me give
you an example, and this is common. Um. Then you
get in the car and you think you know where
you're going and you don't. And the wife was sitting
there week was like, aren't we going the wrong way?
(45:08):
And you're like, no, I got it together. And eventually
you get lost. And you know, us women in our
early days, we get so mad, were so angry. Let
me tell you something. Just sit back, let me make
a mistake. Get lost, Yeah, get just get lost. Let
me tell you something. There is nothing more um fulfilling.
(45:29):
Then when I tried to tell my husband, I remember,
I tried to tell the baby, you need to put
some gas in the car, because we're about to run
out of gas. No, no, I guess who guess to to,
you know, a mile from home. Now. Of course, he
was so a irritated, be embarrassed, so I kind of
just went out, but I waited. So he got out
(45:50):
of the car, and just when I was about to
go in, my three daughters and one of my best
friends in the car. My youngest daughter. She was sick.
She said, Mom shell out because she know I was
about to go off. Janna, Sometimes you gotta relax because
your mouth can't teach him how to be a man,
but life will. And I'm not saying that you're not
a man. And I'm gonna say the same thing to you, Mike.
(46:12):
Sometimes let her just rattle on off into the stratosphere
of where her mind is taking her. Just sit back,
Just sit back and just wait because at some point
her womanhood is gonna step in and that little girl
is gonna stop throwing a tantrum at some point. Okay,
So there has to be for both of you, really,
(46:35):
the ability to see the bigger picture, the the the
ability to let your own ego just kind of chill,
let your own ago chill, and everybody's ego going at
the same time. You're not gonna get me where. But
this money is easy. It's called the budget, the ten
ten fifty period. And and if your thirty percent is
(46:56):
too much, because some of my clients, they make a
whole lot of money, so thirty send us too much
for spending money. It's ten ten, ten seventy. And then
once they get done with their bills, now you're gonna
build your emergency fund. You're gonna pay off your debts
and so on and so forth. And when there is
no money left, guess what you don't get any get
anymore if you want. If you get your spending money, Mike,
(47:17):
and you spend your home five on the first day,
guess what you're gonna eat beings and rice or whatever.
You're gonna play a tree fifty two hundred they came
out of nineteen eight two. You're not getting on the
video games too bad. It's called discipline. And the last
thing I'm gonna say to you all, and I don't
know if it's the last thing, but you know, we
(47:37):
can continue on to ask some more questions, be what
you want to teach your children? Try to Okay, I
love the kid uh the kid aspect too, because I
remember all to say two things. Um, when Jolie got
her tooth out and the tooth fairy came, I told
her to say that, you know, save the money, and
(47:58):
she also gave her five dollars. Five dollars, what's their
first tooth? You know it'll go down from there. But
I land, I loved what you said about forgiveness because
Michael and I had kind of a breakthrough, um a
few weeks ago because there was this amount of money
that needs to be paid back and I and I
held and I was, I held a lot of pain,
(48:20):
and my therapist look to me and she goes, don't
let this money affect your relationship and there has to
be this piece of forgiveness like and then she talked
about God and dying on the cross and how to
be able to forgive and to not let the money
this payback money, just cause all these arguments and fights.
(48:42):
She's like, you have to forgive. And then from there,
that's when y'all have to come together to meet and discuss,
you know, the boundaries and live by those so that
those resentments don't come back up, you know, because what
I don't want is to, you know, go through this
and and then you know, the boundaries still aren't met.
(49:03):
And I think where I was having an issue is
is I have no I had no problem with the
under five hundred. Is just that the times it was spending.
You know, if it's under hunt, you don't get to
pick what it's five hundred dollars is unless it's illegal. No, No,
I'm sorry. I think what I'm saying is it like
it added up, so it's like it was a three
(49:25):
hundred purchase three D three hundred three hand. I'm like
that that all adds up, you know, and so that
miscommunication between us. Yeah, and it's not you get to
spend under five dollars eighteen times, yeah, right, it's this
is the amount of money you have available to spend.
And guess what, Janna, you get the same amount. You
don't get more because you're you're the breadwinner. It's equal.
(49:48):
Well and I yeah, and that's you know. And and
in the same way that maybe the golf thing is
too much, or the clubs or whatever, how many activities
you have the kids in a bunch. Let me tell
you something. There's there's your wealth right there. When when
I started to give my money straight, let me tell
you the first place I went. All the children, all right,
(50:08):
they came out of the private school. I bought a
house in the neighborhood where I like the school. Now
you're going to school for free dance class. Okay, Now
you're going to the dance ministry at the church for
free cheerleading. Now this is If you've got a whole
big old bucket of money and money isn't an issue,
then keep spending money. But if money is tight and
you do not see your financial future building up the
way you wanted to build up, do not miss out
(50:32):
on your financial future and your kids financial stability by
spending money on things. And then let me tell you this,
all of the social attachments, because I was attached to
all the moms that were in all the things, all
the moms of the of the ballet crew, all the moms,
and the football are all the moms, and the softball
and all of this, and and everybody's up, and everybody's
spending money that you don't have, an you're going home
(50:53):
upset with your spouse because there are actually some things
that you can do to control you're spending. So everybody
gets that thirty percent for incidentals. It has to come
out of that. And I will say tuition as well.
Tuition is not a bill m Tuition is a choice.
And if if tuition is not, if that's not in
an occasion right now, then God bless you. If it is,
(51:16):
start to think long term about what that means, because listen,
and then his other thing. Money will work harder for
you than you can never work for it, but you
gotta let it. But if it's going out to to
this over here, the kids over there, the Christmas, that's
massive and overwhelming, all the big old vacations and this,
then the other. A vacation is not a vacation. If
(51:37):
you're worried about how much money you spend it, you're
not on vacation. The vacation is on you. So I'd
like to see you all adopt some holistic things that
you can do as a family that don't require money,
and and and everybody needs healing, right. So when we
first started to cut back, the very first thing, my
(51:58):
youngest daughter says, she was about four or five at
the time, she said, are y'all broke? That's just how
ridiculous I was was spending that when she asked for something,
and weep my my husband because I was usually the
one who would just say yes, yes, yes, yes yes.
And then my husband had to be want to put
me in check, and I was the bread winner, but
(52:20):
it didn't matter because I was the bread winner and
the bread loser. Okay, So she said, are y'all broke?
And my husband and I had to be together and say,
you know what, you can't do this. This is not
we know, this isn't in the budget. But guess what
now they're responsible. They keep money in the bank, They've
got seven eight hundred credit scores, um. They have more
(52:41):
money than most adults that I know who are working
full time with houses and all this kind of stuff.
So what legacy do you want to pass on? It
starts right now, and it starts with you and changing
the things that are hurting The things that are hurting
you are the things that you probably want to change.
I'm sorry, No, I was just gonna say this. Thank
you for all your insight. You know, it's definitely something
and that you know will continue to having our a
(53:02):
couple of therapy sessions. But I I feel like a
lot of things you said. I'm gonna re listen to
this podcast, UM when it airs, because I just I
appreciate everything you said, and I appreciate you calling me out,
and I just I appreciate you know your words. So
thank you so much. And to our listeners. UM, where
can they find you out? Oh, ask land dot org.
(53:23):
Ask land dot org. You can go there and get
a class, a session, or whatever it is that you need.
And I already know that you walk and do it.
I know that you all can do it. I see
it in you already. UM. And I also want you
both to know this, there is absolutely nothing to be
ashamed of when it comes to financial difficulty or marital discord.
(53:46):
It is the most normal thing. I've never met anyone
on the planet that didn't have to go through something.
But it's what we learn about ourselves. Life is ten
percent what happens to you and how respond. So what
I've learned is if I got better, my life got better.
If I got better, the things that were happening around
(54:08):
me got better. And it takes patience. So thank you
all for allowing me to share with you, and good luck.
Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Okay, Violin bye bye.
Well she's got so much information and a lot of
insight on a lot of this, and I appreciated her
(54:29):
her bluntness and her new book is Get Your Money
Back Tax Deduction you never knew about at Lynn Richardson
dot com. So I mean again, she can talk all
around any kind of money, and she's that you're dealing with.
Can I say something you got? Really? I felt it
(54:50):
what she said, Yeah, do you want to talk about
because I think I don't want you to take what
she said in a shaming way. And I think, right
I'm where it's just you and me and a couple
of thousand people listening. But I'm trying to too, because
(55:12):
the second she said that you, she lost you. And
then interview and I was trying to rub your leg
to be like, you know, trying to get you because
I know this second what it did to you the
second she said that, And I was just like, f
there goes the interview because I know where shame goes
(55:33):
to you and I don't. I'm not trying to like
defend her at all, because I you're an amazing husband,
You're a great husband. She was just referencing she's she's
not she's not a therapist, right, so she's not sensitive
to like, she doesn't know our issues, what we've been through,
(55:59):
you know. So when she said a husband like you,
I was like, I know how harsh you take words.
And I was like, ah, that's gonna sting him. And
I'm like, it made me upset for you because I
didn't want you to have to feel that throughout the interview.
But I think she just meant like a husband. That's
It's just I think she was just trying to say
it was like a husband that spends, you know, money,
(56:22):
So a husband like you, you know, but the wording, yes,
sounds harsh, but you're a great husband. Are you hearing
any of this because I feel like you're just really
shut off. Now I'm hearing it. I appreciate you trying
to uh decipher in a different way. I Mark, if
(56:43):
you want to come, And I disagree a little bit
because the timing of it was right after the addiction stuff,
and so I think what she was saying what was
for that reason. It's just she's a money person, so
like you said, she's not a therapist, so people just
talk more bluntly when it comes to money. That's like
her whole thing, right is taking the emotion out of money.
(57:04):
So I just think she's being that direct. I don't
think she She wasn't perfectly trying to shame me. I know,
but you're wearing it for sure, and there's nothing to wear.
But you're a great husband, I know that, So what
are Why are you wearing it? Because it's making me
sad that you are when as shaming as being an
(57:32):
attic is when that's when you're put into a category
or mentioned in such a way. Again, nothing personal to
Lynn at all. By no means was it purposeful or
anything like that. It's just the way I received it,
(57:55):
but just being categorized like I can't do something because
you're an act or you know someone like you or
you know m Yeah, I felt for like during that
(58:22):
interview and I was trying to decide is she really
is she being harsh to micro my putting myself in
my position and therefore taking the guy's side kind of naturally,
But I did feel like Mike got a kind of
hard right there alright with that statement, for sure. I
mean she totally called me out to for and I
have to work on that in general as well, coming
(58:44):
in and being like, well gooys. Some the Dems used
it like Jannah shut up, okay, you know, so that
that's my work too. I think it's just hard because yeah,
it's like, okay, because you're the overspender, of course they're
going to probably come down more on the overspender unfortunately,
you know. It just I think it was more than
(59:07):
just that comment, because it was hard because a lot
of it was just off of the forty seconds we
talked at the beginning. A lot of it I thought
was generalized than after that, like to an extreme. It's like,
you know, some of the words, yeah, like you don't
you don't I don't think you retaliate. Yeah, as much
(59:27):
as I wanted to, like like what what what, it's
not the case all the time, and this is that,
you know, it just seem to really exaggerate some of
the negative traits or things and whatever. So well, I mean,
(59:48):
you know, I still think it's normal for couples to
have one person that spends more, one person that spends less,
and there's pluses and minus to both of them, and
you know, just continue to talk it out, you know,
read resources and talk to your therapists and don't let
that drive a wedge into your marriage because that can
(01:00:10):
cause a lot of underlying resentment and that's just not good.
So all right, guys, that's a show hye Bye,
Flying Down and Michael and podcast. So we talked about
pop cultures sometimes on the show, and our producer sent
us a story um on Rommy Mallick and Rachel how
do you say your last name? Bison? And at first
I was like, what's the big deal here? You know, like, okay,
(00:22):
she posted a picture of them and it was right
before the Oscars, but so what was so? Explained the story?
Rachel posted a picture of them from like years ago
on a project they worked on. They worked on. It's
just before the Oscars when Rommy won for Bohemian Rhapsody,
and he had like an issue with it and didn't politely,
(00:45):
but it was like take it down and had an
issue with it? Was it like nice about or anything
like that? And I was just like, why is this
even being written about right because to you it felt
what just pointless? It's okay he didn't like the picture
she put one up, big deal? Like why why is
this a story right now? You know what I mean? Yeah?
(01:07):
I was kind of feeling the same way. But it
was interesting because we were talking about it on the
car today. He's like, hey, let's not bring up the
Ramy story and I was like, well, something happened today
at the nails salon while I was sitting there just
like looking through Instagram and Twitter, and it kind of
bothered me. And it reminds me of the Rami situation,
(01:30):
and you're like, well, what was it? So my ex husband,
because I guess he technically was a husband, um he
So he tweeted out a picture of our wedding day
and said I had to explain this photo to my son,
(01:50):
to tell him that I'd been married three times and
that his mother was the one that, um, you know,
I should have ended up with. But he tags me
in it, and I'm like why, Like first of all,
like what are you? Why are you tagging me in it?
And secondly, like we're friends, Like there's no like bad,
(02:11):
like his his wife is my best friend, you know,
like we've been great. But it kind of rubbed me
wrong because I was just like, a don't want a
photo of me technically on our wedding day, Like why
are you posting a photo of our wedding day that's
from the past, And like I don't I didn't want
to see that photo on my Twitter, nor do I
want and you're now you're tagging me in it. So
(02:33):
I don't want other people to see that photo, Like, yeah,
you can google it if you're like searching and you
want to see it. But I necessarily like that, like
it bothered me, and I think like people were so
because I was even like, why would he ask her
to take that down? That's so stupid. But then I'm like,
because it's probably a picture that I mean, I haven't
seen the photo. Was he did he look? It wasn't
(02:57):
the most flattering picture he had some waiting his face,
you know, it wasn't. It wasn't the most flattering picture
of him. Now, so I feel like, you know, whether
he looks he's look at, whether he was flattering the
picture or not. Maybe that's the past memory, Like I
don't personally, like a part of me wanted to. And
I ended up texting John and saying because he started
(03:19):
to continue commenting about like how it was a horrible
day and nothing was real about it, and I'm like,
can you be nice and not say mean things about
me on Twitter? And he's like, it wasn't real, it was,
And I'm like it was the first of all, it
was so long ago, and why are you tagging me
and dragging and so I'm like, I'm annoyed that it's
still there. So part of me wants text and be like,
(03:41):
can you take that down? Because why are you tagging me?
What are you getting? Like, I don't, I don't understand.
I know it's stupid because we just thought the rammy
thing was stupid, but then it happens to me and
I'm like, oh, I don't like it. I don't. I don't.
I would never post a photo, nor would you were
married of like an X of ours and say like, oh,
(04:02):
like you know, I had to explain to Julian Jays
I dated someone before, yeah, And I'm like and I
would never like, yeah, okay, I would never post that,
And I think it's okay for someone to say, hey,
can you take that down? Like that bothers me like,
so I don't I now understand Romy's thing like he's
probably like he was just about to get nominated for Oscars.
(04:22):
He probably didn't want this photo floating around because Rachel's
of notoriety and she's known and well, of course the
media outlet's going to take that photo and run with it,
of course. So it's like, I wouldn't want that photo
if I was him if if I don't feel flattering
in that photo and it was, you know, I think
we're the misstep on that was he should have at
least thanked her after he took after she took it down.
(04:44):
Like that's where you know, I'm like out of just politeness.
Like if I was to ask John to take the
photo down, I would say thank you, because I mean
we're friends and everything. But should I ask him to
take that down because it bothers me? I mean, I
think you're within your rights, And it was until you
(05:05):
told me that story earlier today, I didn't really painting
mind to this whole Rachel and Rami thing. But then,
you know, a lot of people, I'm sure that our
listening can relate where it's like, you know, someone tagged
you on a picture on Facebook or Instagram that you
didn't like, and shoot, I even remember like in college
and it's like, oh, don't tag me in that one.
I look terrible in that right, And it's like you don't.
(05:28):
And usually your friends of the goal sorry, you know,
because they know they didn't look at you in the photo.
I think it's funny though, because the only reason that
this is a conversation yours. Yeah, you look beautiful in it,
but it's it's I don't want to see that, right,
But it's it's a picture that like there's no reason
(05:49):
to be out there, but I will say I tagged me,
but I got right. When I married his mother at
Cremer at Cremer Going, I lasted a week we weren't meant.
But for this photo and friendship, it's like, Okay, I
get you, like call like we're friends, yes, but like
I don't want to see that either, Nor do I
want to see my dead dog who I loved so
much in a wedding dress because you know, yeah, um,
(06:13):
But I think it's funny unless it's a bad memory
picture if the person looks good who was tagged in it,
Like you know, all right, you know what I mean.
If someone posted like a smoking picture of you back
in the day and there's no bad memory around it,
You're like, alright, there's someone post a terrible picture of you.
(06:35):
You like, take that down, you know what I mean.
So I think it's just funny because that's how it
would be if if Ramy looked like himself in that
picture that Rachel posted, Like if there is like no change,
would you have an issue with it. Probably not, And
I just I think it's okay though, regardless of like
(06:58):
for him to ask, Yeah, for sure. I think the
whole the bad press around it was like, you know,
he wasn't the nicest about it, or it wasn't you know,
thankful afterwards. Who knows how many times that story has
been filtered until it got to us. But um still,
I mean, like you said, comparing to your situation, it
(07:19):
made more sense to me, Well, it was. Yeah, it
was just one of those things where I was like,
it was just the timing of it was so strange
because I'm just scrolling on Twitter and I'm like, uh,
what very interesting. I don't want to see this photo
And why are you tagging me in it? For me
to see this photo? Are you gonna ask him to
take it down? It bothers me then ask him to
(07:41):
take it down and just be like, look, I know
what you're trying to share. I know you're trying to
share the fact that you had to tell your son. Honestly,
can I just say stop? I'm gonna stop right there,
because if that was it, I would have no problem
with it. It was how he was commenting in the
threats like there was nothing good about that day and
you know, nope, wor stay it's like those things. I'm like, okay,
(08:04):
can you like I get it wasn't like, you know not,
you know, we ended up breaking up a week later.
But you don't have to comment so negatively if that
unless that's your purpose of them posting it, because that
then that changes for me. Does that make sense? Yeah,
But at the same time, he could easily post that
without posting a picture. You'd be like, Oh, my seven
(08:28):
year old came to me and, you know, asked me
about some wedding photos from previous marriages and unexplained to me,
And where did a seven year old find a photo
of our wedding? Right? Why is that anywhere in their house? Yeah?
Probably isn't. Well, no, I'm probably googled it or something.
And and then you know, maybe maybe he was with
his dad, you know, John, and they were googling. I
(08:48):
don't know, but yeah, but I just it can be
done without the picture, and especially the negative comments said.
If it was just the picture and the kind of
like the thought behind it, I would say, okay, you
know whatever, fine, I'll get over it. But then it's
the negative comments in there that I'm like, you say,
(09:09):
we're a friend, but then you're just saying how awful
it was, so that's now not nice. Let me ask
you this. I think this will answer the question for
you whether or not you should say something. What would
your therapist say to do exactly, Mike Drop, do you
know what she would say? What do you think Amy
(09:31):
would say? Amy? And any therapist pretty much would say.
I would ask you about it, why it bothers you
and say, well, it clearly bothers you, and don't suppress
your feelings because of someone else. Speak maturely from a
good place and share how it makes you feel, and
that you politely request for them to take you down,
(09:54):
and what about it hurt you? Right, but it doesn't
hurt me. It just it bothers me, Like I just
I'm I'm annoyed by it because of the stuff that
comes after the photo to like the negative comments, right,
And if you don't address it now, then next time
you see him or around them, you might find yourself
(10:16):
to be short and annoyed frustrated with them because you
never addressed it, and it will remind you being like
how you post that picture, it's such a dick move. Hm,
you know, so you're just avoiding resentment bye wow, honey
therapy with my Yeah, I don't know. I'll think about it.
I just I don't I don't even know if he
(10:37):
would understand. So it's sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's easier
for me just to let things go because sometimes I
don't think that they would understand. Other people would understand
for sure the other side of it, um, and even
if he doesn't, that's his work, right. Well, that's like,
you know, when we were having the text comvo, because
(10:57):
I was like, be nice, like that's not very ice
he and he was just like it was an awful
Like you know, I'm like, okay, it was all a lie.
And I'm like, well, and this is kind of where
it goes back. And I thought all the work that
I've done and I'm not trying to toot my own horn,
but like we could have said our wedding day was
a lie, but it was still my experience was not
a lie. So that's where I wanted to be like, well,
(11:19):
your experience, that is a big testament to your work
because early on and you said everything was a lie. Yeah,
for sure. And so it's like for him to say that,
I'm like, well, that's like, that's actually not accurate because eventually,
but that day wasn't. It's not just because something, you know,
we broke up. It doesn't mean that it's a lie
or it's so it's like I I but then I realized,
(11:41):
I'm like, I've done that work. I can't tell someone
else that work because they don't They're not going to
recognize that. Now, Oh it sales. You've always said you
want me to be more jealous. I could be a
jealous boyfriend and go kick down his door. Look, you
and John are friends. That's like. Look, John, I just
like the thought of like posting about any x or
(12:05):
you know, in putting them. I I just would never
do that. I don't under I don't understand. But more
of the story, if someone does something to bother you,
it's your job. You're responsible for your feelings and to
express them to somebody. Don't be afraid to do that,
whether it's Jan in this situation or someone else listening,
(12:25):
or me or Eastern or Hannah or Becky O'Riley. I
just got the whole team money. No, it's a good point, um,
all right, let's take a break and let's talk about
something else. So we have a money gur guru coming on,
(12:56):
Lynn Richardson. She's a boss when it comes to everything money.
I mean, she's got so many books on pretty much
any financial topic you can talk about. So I'm really
excited to get her, get her on and pick her
brain about a few things that you and I are
dealing with financially and just obstacles people face. Yeah, because
(13:18):
I think it's interesting because you know, money is one
of those top three divorce It's an argument every single
relationship ever. And it's crazy. Because I was talking to
my therapist Amy and I was telling her, you know,
because that is one of our biggest I would say,
our biggest current fight. We have the underlying resentment on
(13:45):
a on a Yeah, the biggest underlying regular basis yea.
And I told her. I was like, and I've always
because you know, people listen to this podcast, I'm the
I you know, I don't spend as much. I'm a
little more frugal. Mike spends more money. And I said,
I had this insane like breakthrough of why I'm that way,
(14:11):
And it was when we had that conversation on the
couch that night when we were doing Intentional Night, and
I was like, I didn't even realize, like that's where
it was coming from. And it like, I mean, even
like thinking about it makes me kind of like teiod
because I didn't even know the weight that it held,
Like with all the work that I've done, I had
no idea that that was the weight. But Mike and
(14:33):
I were, you know, we were having our intentional night
and we were talking and we were I was coming
from a very good place about some money issues. Um
that was fight that we were fighting about, and um,
sometimes you gotta circle back when you're not angry so
that they go well. And I felt like I was
at a good place and a good time to do it.
(14:54):
And when I started talking about it, I started saying,
how it's just like came out. It wasn't it was
like a total just like it did a moment where
I started to realize that when I started saying it, yeah,
it wasn't even like a planed out thing. It was
just diary of the mouth in terms of just raw
emotional and introspective thoughts coming through your brain. And it did.
(15:19):
It clicked for both of us. Yeah, whereas you know
for me when like why I'm a little bit more
frugal is when I was kind of doing these examples,
I said, you know, now, your parents weren't rich by
any means, but your parents had money. I never had
to give up something for money. Yeah, and so as
(15:39):
as a kid, Yeah, so it's like if you wanted
to go on a spring break, you got to go
if you had to pay for that myself. But but
I mean they would always help. Yeah, yeah, like, yeah,
there wasn't much I lost out on inexperience situations as
a kid. If you wanted to play a sport, they financially,
(16:03):
We're there for you in in in almost every aspect
of your life. And when I started talking about it,
I had to And this is what clicked for me
is I had to give up the one thing that
I loved the most because my parents got divorced and
we couldn't afford it. And when I said that, it
was like the biggest like ah ha moment for me
(16:25):
because I was like, oh my god. I was like,
I'm so terrified of not having money because I don't
want to have to ever have my kids not be
able to do something because we can't afford it or
give something up or lose something again, because figure skating
was everything to me. It was everything. I mean, I lived,
breathed everything. I was in the senior program, all of it,
(16:48):
and I had to give it up because we couldn't
afford it, and it was it was awful. And so
now I think I just and then I you know,
I worked, and I tried to My mom tried to
work three jobs. I saw her hustle and you know
what she was trying to do. But eventually I was like, Okay,
this is just not working for everybody, and you're stretched
up thin, and you know, I was working, and but
(17:11):
it just it was such an aha moment. And I think,
I'm just so scared because I've never had money before,
Like I've never even in my early twenties. You know,
I was scraping. I was like my therapist calls me
a scrapper. Like I was like, I'll find a way,
but like the electricity is getting shut off today, No,
(17:32):
it really did, you know. And that's what I don't
know if I've mentioned on here before or not, but
you know, our first breakthrough kind of understand each other
financially was not too long ago a couple of months
ago where I kind of connected the doubts for you,
where like you're just saying in your early twenties, you're scrapping, clawing,
(17:54):
your power is getting shut off, you're in l a
just like trying to make things work. I was like,
how to pay for another overture a fee? I don't understand.
How's this whole bank thing? Like, don't get it. I'm
like a negative. And then you know, my twenties, Yeah,
you know, I'm making you know, more money than my parents.
I'm making a lot of money. I'm doing well. So
(18:16):
the value of a dollar is significantly different from me
than it is other people around me and other people
in my age range. So you know, and that's when
you start to become, right, an adult is in your
twenties and kind of figure out what you're doing and
where you're going to who you are. And so that's
my initial thing of adulthood, right, It's like I got
all this money, I'm value of a dollar is just
(18:37):
like nothing. So that's the first connection of dots that
Jan and I had to kind of understand each other
a little bit more like, Okay, when I was ball
and doing well, Jenna was struggling, so I can definitely
see how being tighted with money and vice versa. And
then the second biggest one was that when you're just
talking about like two weeks ago or a week ago,
(18:59):
where when she said it too it hit me. I
was like damn. I was like she had to give
up something, and like we're saying, I've never had to
give up or make that kind of sacrifice due to
financial situations. My parents are middle class, you know, hard
hat lunch period, working people, punching the clock, but they
(19:21):
always provided together, so my sister and I could partake
in those activities. So then me referring back to a
child self being like, holy, I can imagine being a
kid and having to do that and how much that
would traumatize me around money. So it's just like over
the past like two months, I think connecting those dots
(19:43):
for both of us is just going to help us
moving forward with financial talks, because I think there's just
so much underlying resentment when one does you know, more
on more spending, one does it. But here's the problem
to know, I was actually talking a lot of stuff
happened at the nail salon today. Okay, I was talking
to my friend Catherine, and I was like, where you
(20:07):
get frustrated with me, is like, I'll spend whatever on
the kids and a family vacation. But and he's like,
but then why can't I get this. I'm like, because
this is for the family, and he's just like, but
like that's five times more. I'm like, but it's for
the family, like so I but also because as a child,
(20:28):
I didn't get those things. So that's another part of
my childhood wounds. And I'm like, I want my kids
to have I don't want my kids to ever miss
a springbreak. Like I had to miss the big cruise
because my parents couldn't afford, you know, to send me
on where all my friends went, you know, so I
never got to go on a spring break minus the
one where my mom drove us down to Florida in
(20:49):
a car because I was like, I can't go because
all my friends are going to like tropical this and cruises.
And even my one friend was like, Lisa, She's like,
my my mom said that we can pay for half
of it for you. And it's like I felt like
a you know, I was like, man, I was just like,
it sucks, but you know, obviously I said no and
I didn't go, but it was just, you know, that's
(21:10):
why I'm like, I want to give my kids everything,
but I can't justify you spending money on a gun
your fifteenth gud. I'm like, what's the point, Like, I'd
rather you're like, this is like way more you're so,
you know, I hope you can see that the pieces
like it's for the kids. I'll never spend it on myself.
You have to force me, like you literally forced me
(21:31):
to buy things for you. But I will say too
because a lot of people are like, you're so out
of touch, and you know, we know how grateful we are.
But I think every relationship has money issues. Every relationship does.
And you know it's funny too because once you have
(21:52):
an amount, you're always gonna want to beat that amount
and then you're scared and so there there's it's just
it's just scary. But again, I'm not complaining. We're very
We're we're healthy, but not healthy and financially in our relationship. No.
And that's the thing. It's like, we're not sitting here
(22:14):
complaining about money that we have or don't have. We're
just talking about how we view it differently, the importance
of you know, where we value it and where we
don't or whatever. So whether you're fighting about a hundred
dollars or ten million dollars, it doesn't matter because it's
(22:36):
still just two people with possibly two different core beliefs
or triggers or traumas or whatever around money that you
just have to navigate it and it is. That's why
it's one of the top reasons for the divorce and
just issues in relationships in general. Well, I'm excited to
get her on, So let's take a break and let's
(22:56):
pop her in the chat room. All right, Lynn, So
we're super pumped to have you on the show. Uh.
You know, I feel like we're talking earlier in the
show about how money is probably our biggest um. It
(23:23):
was common argument, most common argument in our relationship. It's
probably been that way for the last year two It's
always kind of been there though, Like this underlying resentment
kind of thing. Do you what, what is it to you? Like,
why do you think that's so common in marriages? Because
I feel like that's one of the big reasons for
(23:43):
divorce too. Yeah, So who's resentful? I need to understand
the dynamics a little bit better because there could be
all kinds of reasons. So who's resentful? Because that that's
a that's a strong but it's it's an honest word,
and I'm glad to hear it. I think honestly, we
both are. I mean, I think it's right. So let's
just take each person. Tell me why you're resentful? What
(24:05):
are you resentful about? What's happened? Well, I don't know
if i've I think I'm more resentful that she's resentful.
I think it's okay, because let's start. Let's start with
the with the one who kicked off the resentment. Let's
start there and then because I want to work my
way from the beginning and then come back around. Okay,
So I want to say this like politely too, like
(24:28):
I want I feel like I have to easy stuff
to be honest. No, it's okay, because we we can't.
You can't heal what you hide. And money is a huge,
big old deal, but really it's not that much. But
it's what we say, it's what we actually are honest about,
and it's usually the it's the gritty stuff. So so yeah,
just go on and share. Well, I think I First
(24:50):
of all, I appreciate what you can't what you hide,
you can't heal. I love that. That's beautiful. Um. I
think what's why it's hard for me is because I
know when I say like I'm the breadwinner, that how
that translates for a mail and what that makes him feel. Um.
(25:12):
So because I make more of the money, I get
resentful because he spends more of the money than I do.
And so it's frustrating for me when I feel like
I'm working my butt off that he's not caring about
the number or the dollar amount that he's spending. And
(25:35):
so we started to do like a uh, okay, you
can't spend. Let's let's keep our spending under this each month,
and or we're gonna do like a no spend January, right,
so just to see kind of like where we're at
what we could do because I feel he gets where
(25:56):
I feel like he gets resentful of me, is if
because he feels he can't spend anything, or he feels
like I'm being his mom and I'm controlling him. But
really I'm just so scared because I just see these purchases,
So I get resentful of that, and I'm like do
you not know where it's coming from and how hard
I'm working? And and so there's been things in our
(26:18):
marriage where the dollar amount I was just like, how
could you spend this much on video games or the
apps on the phones and the guns, and so it's
just over time, it makes me feel like I feel disrespected.
And so you know, then we kind of got this
dollar amount, like Okay, let's not spend more than five
(26:39):
in a month, or let's do no spend January. And
when he doesn't follow that, I feel very disrespected because
I'm like, I'm not spending the money, but yet you're
not living up to what we agreed on. And we
had a bad therapy session about it, and he's just like,
does it doesn't even matter. I'm like, it does matter.
Like we said we we made it an agreement to
not spend anything, and then you just bought a watch
(27:01):
and and so I start to carry this resentment and
this like I like distressing. I feel disrespected in a
way understood. So, Mike, why do you step outside of
the boundaries of what you agree to? Tell me what
happens when you make those decisions? Um for me? You know,
(27:23):
the trend of things kind of the way I receive
it is when things are good, like between us, it's
our money and Mike, you make enough doing the podcast, Mike,
you make enough with writing the book, and you made
enough doing this and that. And then when some money
has spend or we have to spend a lot on something,
(27:43):
that's her money. And so it's like, tell me what
you mean when we have to spend because and again
I'm not I'm impartial here, but when you say we,
are you actually talking about what we have to spend?
Are you talking about what you want to spend? Both?
There's times where if I spend money or if we
did it was just Christmas, and we as a family
(28:05):
spend a lot of money. It's like who are the
Christmas presents for each other? The family? Who who's in
the family? Our kids? We have two kids, and how
old are the kids? We have a five year old
little girl and a two year old little boy. Okay,
and and me and me kind of where we I
said we'd kind of disagree to is I'll spend because
(28:27):
I didn't have that growing up. I will do whatever
for my kids and spend now to in an extent,
but like I will do a family vacation and like,
I got it. Yeah, let me get back to Mike
go for a second. So so Mike, so, Janna's kind
of shared that she'll do whatever for the kids. So
I know what that is. I've been there, done that,
three kids Christmas toys from the front of the house
(28:47):
to the back of the house. And then I want
to set boundaries when I think it's time to set boundaries. So,
but you're spending tell me what you're spending money on, Mike,
tell me, just give me the things that you want
to spend money on, and how you feel about what
seems like there may be some restrictions or boundaries that
you step outside of what what it seems like to me.
And in the past, it's like even when we said, hey,
(29:09):
any purchase over five hundred, let's discuss with one another. Okay,
There's even been something that I paid for that was
under five hundred and I still received some pushback from it.
And so it's like, no matter what I spend it on,
I feel like I'm always questioned or challenged and more
just out of it's not out of I don't receive
it as curiosity. I received it as being challenged and understood.
(29:33):
And give me an example of something that you spent
under five dred dollars that then you received pushback for
just one one of the things that you've spent under
five hundred dollars. One thing would be we have a
monthly fee of two hundred fifty to three hundred dollars
for a golf club that I belonged to here in Nashville,
(29:53):
and I've gotten pushedback on that, like we're spending two
hundred fifty a month, Like that's a lot of money
and you're not even using it right now, And ask
him how many times he used it last year? Give
me a second. Yeah, all seriously, that's my exact point.
Though it's like that's that's not that's not fair because
(30:14):
it's not right to judge because everybody has their own.
But trust me, I'm getting there, So, Mike, so you
have to give me an example, Give me four or
five examples of things that you spend money on that
you get pushed back for. Um, you know, I do
admittedly know that, you know, I have more hobbies than
most people might might in their lifetime and it and
(30:36):
for me, it's kind of a addiction recovery thing too.
It's like my outer circle stuff that kind of makes
me hold that that keeps my mind busy on healthier things,
and I like to tinker. I'll go down the rabbit
hole on things. So whether it's stuff for uh, you know,
road cycling or firearms that I'm into or whatever thing,
I understand, things do add up, and I don't know.
(31:01):
There's just like this stress around it where I feel like,
even if I were to bring it up, Hey, I'm
thinking about doing this, I'll get up. Really you have
to get that or so, so let me ask you this.
You have a daughter, all right, So what if you
were talking to your daughter about this situation if she
was the and and I'm not making a judgment one
(31:24):
way or the other, but if your daughter was a
breadwinner and she had a husband who coming out of addiction,
praise God for that. That's good. But you've you've admitted
that you'll go down a rabbit hole. It's a rabbit
hole a good thing at times, it is. At times
it's admittedly it's like no, because it will consume me
(31:46):
and I'll just get so. Let me be more specific.
Is spending money that is not necessarily in the best
interests of your long term goal. So long term goals
are our our health, wellness, financial well being, stacking your money.
When you go in the rabbit hole and spend money,
(32:06):
do you think that that is a good thing for
your family? And would you recommend it for your daughter
if she were in a similar situation with a husband
like you. Um hmm, husband like me. Uh, you wouldn't.
(32:26):
I'm gonna help you out there, you wouldn't. So here's
the deal now on the same in the same token, Jannah,
there has there has to be a level of um
first of all, in all things, utter and complete acceptance
and forgiveness, because when you marry someone, you marry them
(32:48):
for their strengths and their weaknesses. I've been the bread
one or two for the great majority of my marriage.
But let me hope you understand something. My husband is
probably the one that's gonna get us both in heaven
because I'm crazy, I'm easy as all get out right,
So he's probably gonna be one standing there holding everybody back,
said don't let her in, don't let her in, And
he's probably gonna be the one to let me in.
(33:08):
So while I have my strengths and weaknesses, he has
his strengths and weaknesses. The truth is, when we come
together as a unit, we've got to um, forgive and
accept because resentment. First of all, you said you would
do everything for your children, Janna, Let me help you
understand something about children. Children don't need parents who are
gonna give them everything. And if you are concerned about
(33:31):
spending money, then you need to be the change that
you want to see. So the best way to get
someone else to do something is to demonstrate how it's done.
So it's a bit of a it's a bit of
a contradiction, and quite frankly, it's a bit um uh.
It's an oxy moron. It's a contradiction, and it's really
a bit of a hypocrite to have really strong boundaries
(33:54):
when it comes to money on one hand, but then
when it comes to the kids, then their kids just
get whatever they want to. Chrisp is a crazy Let
me help you understand something about these entitled children running around.
They're rotten in the evil. Children want everything from their parents.
Parents feel all guilty. I've been there, I've done all that,
but I've raised three daughters. My youngest is twenty one
(34:14):
and twenty five and they started out. I was traveling
all over the world. We were in all kind of
all start cheerleading. I was the breadwinner. My husband would
say something, then I'd say, no, let's not do that.
They're not gon spend a whole bunch of money on
something else that really didn't make any sense. Because let
me help you able to say something. Saying that I
love my kids is not an excuse for being financially irresponsible.
(34:36):
So the one thing that I want you both to
understand is this, both of you have some financial things
that you're gonna have to work on together. And at
the end of the day, Janna, your emotions and feelings
mike your emotions and feelings while they are legitimately yours
and they belong to you, emotions have no place when
(34:56):
it comes to money, because you know what, money is
not even optional we are. Money is factual. Money says
one plus one equals too. It is the most uh.
It is the most reliable thing that you have in
your life. Money is more reliable than a a nagging life.
Money is more reliable than a forgetful husband. Money is
more reliable than some begging children. Money is more reliable
(35:19):
than the weather. Money is more reliable because it literally
says this is how I operate, and I operate this
way every single time. So if one plus one equals
too and if your stuff adds up to ten, it'll
never ever get into two. So what I recommend for
the two of you is to live by a budget.
And Mike, that means when you go down a rabbit hole,
(35:41):
that means that you are still trying to heal. And
I understand I don't understand addiction, um um and and
And I'm not sure in what way you've experienced it,
but we've all had probably most of us have had
some kind of addiction. Me it was a spending addiction.
Literally I would get I would spend money for any reason.
I would loan money to people even when I didn't
have it, so they wouldn't think I was broke, which
(36:03):
I was. So I had to heal that thing. But
the one thing you can't do to heal and addiction
is covered up with another one. What you've actually got
to do, You're being tested to actually move through that
thing and not have it filled up with something that's superficial, artificial.
And I'm just gonna say this now, I am a
firm believer in you doing what you want to do.
(36:25):
But let me tell you something. There's only only so
many golf clubs, watches, video games, and everything else that
you need. At some point, perhaps those resources can be
put into another education, another skill, a home, home based business,
another string of income, um, something that's going to produce
something else, and then out of your reward, then you're
(36:47):
able to reward yourself. So money is not emotional. Money
is very factual. It is reliable in its basic mathematics.
One plus one equals too. So what I want you
all to do is what my husband and I have done.
Was been twenty six years and our money has been
all the way at the top, and then I was
responsible for handling and I messed everything up, and even
then we stuck together. Because when the money is gone,
(37:11):
if you if you lose friends, and this that the other,
when you've got someone there in your life that you
can rely upon, that has your back, that you can
depend on, let me tell you something. You have everything.
So I'd like for you all to live by the
ten ten thirty fifty, the first ten percent of every
dollar that comes into the household. I'd like you to
say I'd like you to give. I'd like for you
all to think about somebody other than yourselves and your children.
(37:34):
Is there a cause that you'd like to give money to,
perhaps UM, the one of the addiction or one of
the other UM low or low to moderate income, or
homeless or something people who are needed. Because good givers
are great getters. And when you learn how to give,
you position yourself for receiving the next ten percent. I'd
(37:55):
like for you to save, either in a four one
k Mike if it's extra money that you get in
from a gig. If you don't have a four one K,
then start your mutual fund or start your self employed
retirement fund. Um Janna. If it give a four one came,
your job would have you. But I want you to
save because the goal for everyone is to have at
least one year of an emergency fund. The pandemic has
(38:16):
showed us that one stream of income has hazards to
your wealth. And if the red rugets f from under you,
then you want to be in position to thrive the
next thirty percent. And I want you all to be
really clear about this. Thirty percent is cash and this
thirty percent is for groceries. Gas, hair, uh, stuff for
the kids, whatever, all the incidentals, the remaining fifty percent stays.
(38:39):
Then you're checking account for your bills now of the
thirty percent for incidentals. Once you take care of groceries
and gas and all your essentials, then the remainder of
that gets split between the two of you evenly. Because
you did not get married to be separate individuals. You
got married to become one. So it doesn't matter who
really made it. You split it in between you two.
So if you only have three, you hunt to the
(39:00):
fifty dollars and spending money for the month, that's all
you get. That's all you get, Okay, And if you
want to go to the movies, I recommend that you
set an appointment for Netflix at the house with the kids,
pop your own popcorn, makes something to drink and eat,
all that kind of stuff. See, we've got to start
teaching our children how to build wealth. That's what children want.
(39:22):
Children want parents who love them and each other, who
know how to get along, and who know how to
teach them become responsible adults mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially.
And then what I'd like you both to do when
you're upset about something when it comes to money, I
want you to write thoughts, disentangle themselves when they passed
(39:44):
through your fingertips. Right, what you're feeling, right, what you're thinking,
Tell the whole truth. And then if you feel like
getting that writing out has helped you to gain perspective,
then perhaps you can now speak to the other person
with dignity, without anger, without resentment. When you write it,
say when you said this to me, it made me
(40:06):
feel this way. Don't say to the other person you
did this to me, you attacked me. No no, no no, no.
Don't tell the earther person what they did. Just explain
how it makes you feel. Because a lot of times
we communicate with someone that we love, we're just talking.
We're not intentionally trying to attack. But if you tell
me I attacked you, I'm gonna say I didn't. But
(40:27):
if you tell me I feel attacked. See, nobody can
dispute your feeling. Right. So when you write, either now
figure out a way to communicate with each other, or
share what you wrote with the other person. Let me
tell you my husband and I there are times when
I've written something to him and it changed his whole
(40:47):
way of doing something. It's times he's written something to
me and I'm like, oh my god, I didn't know
that this is what I was doing. And the truth
is each and every one of us. And I'm gonna
say this to you. Take responsibility for your own toxicity.
You know what's toxic you, you know, and and let
me say this to you, Mike, Retaliating is not uh,
(41:09):
it's not protection you. You as a man, your job
was to protect that household and to be security and
to be the head. Okay, retaliating. So if you said
that if she does something and spends money, then you
feel like you could do it too. And then if
if but if if you did it and she didn't,
forget that that's petty. That's that's kindergarten. Okay, that's that's
(41:35):
on the playground, all right. So sometimes you gotta just
take it in. Sometimes you gotta just take it, but
never feel like you have to either retaliate or because
you did it or when you did it. Come from
another place of what is right and try to come
from another place of power um and doing just what
is truthful. So I kind of went off on a
(41:56):
little preaching speech there but feel free to dialogue with
me about what you think about that, if there's something
that hit you, or if there are are some other
things that I can that I can share with you.
Being as uh financially savvy and mature as as you
and your husband seem to be obviously now, I mean,
you're the guru with all the books and literature and
everything you've done around money. Where's the conflict between you
(42:18):
and your husband? Like nowadays? Is there any at all?
Are you completely on the same page or as still?
There's moments where you guys don't see eye to eye?
Oh yeah, he gets on my last nerves, okay, because
he fits, he forgets things, and I'm like, what the hell?
And then, um, you know, I just have this saying
women are crazy and men are irrational. So sometimes I'm
just crazy, talking talking, talking, talking talking. I know that
(42:41):
gets on his nerves, right, and then he's just irrational.
I'm like, now, how did you put that together? And
then there's no answer. So you know, what I found
is that that's kind of similar with most marriages, most marriages,
and I just decided a long time ago, I'm not
going to I'm not gonna stroke out right because I'm
very grateful of thankful for the things that I can
(43:01):
get away with and recover from and heal from, and
so the same thing for him. But I don't want
you to think, uh, we're mature as it relates to
we we just have some experience. We have twenty six years,
but we've been through it as well. But I'm gonna
say to you, if you start to take the emotion
out and that becomes that is really the big thing,
(43:22):
and you just deal with the dollars. Okay, So at
some point, and I don't care who the breadwinner is,
but if, if, if someone else is the breadwinner, then
I'm gonna be very careful about tapping into those dollars.
And and this is not about who has more power.
It is about honor and respect and and I'm just
(43:42):
gonna say this to you, Mike. I'm gonna say this
because this is this is probably something that that a
woman would think. You know, we grew up as little
girls thinking we'd marry our night and shining armor, and
that night in shining armor would sweep us off into
the sunset, take care of us. This any other well,
that's what that's not how happens and guess what, it's okay.
So for the great majority of my marriage, I've been
(44:04):
the one to go out and grind and kick it
and keep the stuff in. What I'd like for my
husband to do is to acknowledge that, to honor that,
and to honor that with discipline, Honor that with boundaries,
honor that with agreement. And then, Janna, let me tell
(44:27):
you what I give my husband in exchange for that authority.
I can't. I can't run him. As a matter of fact,
I spent so much time being out in the world
running everything else. I want to come home to a
man who can lead me and let me just let
go of something. I'm tired, Okay, but I've got to
(44:47):
give the authority. I've got to relinquish authority. I'm gonna say,
give it. I gotta relinquish authority and allow him to
grow in authority. And then I've got let me give
you an example, and this is common. Um. Then you
get in the car and you think you know where
you're going and you don't. And the wife was sitting
there week was like, aren't we going the wrong way?
(45:08):
And you're like, no, I got it together. And eventually
you get lost. And you know, us women in our
early days, we get so mad, were so angry. Let
me tell you something. Just sit back, let me make
a mistake. Get lost, Yeah, get just get lost. Let
me tell you something. There is nothing more um fulfilling.
(45:29):
Then when I tried to tell my husband, I remember,
I tried to tell the baby, you need to put
some gas in the car, because we're about to run
out of gas. No, no, I guess who guess to to,
you know, a mile from home. Now. Of course, he
was so a irritated, be embarrassed, so I kind of
just went out, but I waited. So he got out
(45:50):
of the car, and just when I was about to
go in, my three daughters and one of my best
friends in the car. My youngest daughter. She was sick.
She said, Mom shell out because she know I was
about to go off. Janna, Sometimes you gotta relax because
your mouth can't teach him how to be a man,
but life will. And I'm not saying that you're not
a man. And I'm gonna say the same thing to you, Mike.
(46:12):
Sometimes let her just rattle on off into the stratosphere
of where her mind is taking her. Just sit back,
Just sit back and just wait because at some point
her womanhood is gonna step in and that little girl
is gonna stop throwing a tantrum at some point. Okay,
So there has to be for both of you, really,
(46:35):
the ability to see the bigger picture, the the the
ability to let your own ego just kind of chill,
let your own ago chill, and everybody's ego going at
the same time. You're not gonna get me where. But
this money is easy. It's called the budget, the ten
ten fifty period. And and if your thirty percent is
(46:56):
too much, because some of my clients, they make a
whole lot of money, so thirty send us too much
for spending money. It's ten ten, ten seventy. And then
once they get done with their bills, now you're gonna
build your emergency fund. You're gonna pay off your debts
and so on and so forth. And when there is
no money left, guess what you don't get any get
anymore if you want. If you get your spending money, Mike,
(47:17):
and you spend your home five on the first day,
guess what you're gonna eat beings and rice or whatever.
You're gonna play a tree fifty two hundred they came
out of nineteen eight two. You're not getting on the
video games too bad. It's called discipline. And the last
thing I'm gonna say to you all, and I don't
know if it's the last thing, but you know, we
(47:37):
can continue on to ask some more questions, be what
you want to teach your children? Try to Okay, I
love the kid uh the kid aspect too, because I
remember all to say two things. Um, when Jolie got
her tooth out and the tooth fairy came, I told
her to say that, you know, save the money, and
(47:58):
she also gave her five dollars. Five dollars, what's their
first tooth? You know it'll go down from there. But
I land, I loved what you said about forgiveness because
Michael and I had kind of a breakthrough, um a
few weeks ago because there was this amount of money
that needs to be paid back and I and I
held and I was, I held a lot of pain,
(48:20):
and my therapist look to me and she goes, don't
let this money affect your relationship and there has to
be this piece of forgiveness like and then she talked
about God and dying on the cross and how to
be able to forgive and to not let the money
this payback money, just cause all these arguments and fights.
(48:42):
She's like, you have to forgive. And then from there,
that's when y'all have to come together to meet and discuss,
you know, the boundaries and live by those so that
those resentments don't come back up, you know, because what
I don't want is to, you know, go through this
and and then you know, the boundaries still aren't met.
(49:03):
And I think where I was having an issue is
is I have no I had no problem with the
under five hundred. Is just that the times it was spending.
You know, if it's under hunt, you don't get to
pick what it's five hundred dollars is unless it's illegal. No, No,
I'm sorry. I think what I'm saying is it like
it added up, so it's like it was a three
(49:25):
hundred purchase three D three hundred three hand. I'm like
that that all adds up, you know, and so that
miscommunication between us. Yeah, and it's not you get to
spend under five dollars eighteen times, yeah, right, it's this
is the amount of money you have available to spend.
And guess what, Janna, you get the same amount. You
don't get more because you're you're the breadwinner. It's equal.
(49:48):
Well and I yeah, and that's you know. And and
in the same way that maybe the golf thing is
too much, or the clubs or whatever, how many activities
you have the kids in a bunch. Let me tell
you something. There's there's your wealth right there. When when
I started to give my money straight, let me tell
you the first place I went. All the children, all right,
(50:08):
they came out of the private school. I bought a
house in the neighborhood where I like the school. Now
you're going to school for free dance class. Okay, Now
you're going to the dance ministry at the church for
free cheerleading. Now this is If you've got a whole
big old bucket of money and money isn't an issue,
then keep spending money. But if money is tight and
you do not see your financial future building up the
way you wanted to build up, do not miss out
(50:32):
on your financial future and your kids financial stability by
spending money on things. And then let me tell you this,
all of the social attachments, because I was attached to
all the moms that were in all the things, all
the moms of the of the ballet crew, all the moms,
and the football are all the moms, and the softball
and all of this, and and everybody's up, and everybody's
spending money that you don't have, an you're going home
(50:53):
upset with your spouse because there are actually some things
that you can do to control you're spending. So everybody
gets that thirty percent for incidentals. It has to come
out of that. And I will say tuition as well.
Tuition is not a bill m Tuition is a choice.
And if if tuition is not, if that's not in
an occasion right now, then God bless you. If it is,
(51:16):
start to think long term about what that means, because listen,
and then his other thing. Money will work harder for
you than you can never work for it, but you
gotta let it. But if it's going out to to
this over here, the kids over there, the Christmas, that's
massive and overwhelming, all the big old vacations and this,
then the other. A vacation is not a vacation. If
(51:37):
you're worried about how much money you spend it, you're
not on vacation. The vacation is on you. So I'd
like to see you all adopt some holistic things that
you can do as a family that don't require money,
and and and everybody needs healing, right. So when we
first started to cut back, the very first thing, my
(51:58):
youngest daughter says, she was about four or five at
the time, she said, are y'all broke? That's just how
ridiculous I was was spending that when she asked for something,
and weep my my husband because I was usually the
one who would just say yes, yes, yes, yes yes.
And then my husband had to be want to put
me in check, and I was the bread winner, but
(52:20):
it didn't matter because I was the bread winner and
the bread loser. Okay, So she said, are y'all broke?
And my husband and I had to be together and say,
you know what, you can't do this. This is not
we know, this isn't in the budget. But guess what
now they're responsible. They keep money in the bank, They've
got seven eight hundred credit scores, um. They have more
(52:41):
money than most adults that I know who are working
full time with houses and all this kind of stuff.
So what legacy do you want to pass on? It
starts right now, and it starts with you and changing
the things that are hurting The things that are hurting
you are the things that you probably want to change.
I'm sorry, No, I was just gonna say this. Thank
you for all your insight. You know, it's definitely something
and that you know will continue to having our a
(53:02):
couple of therapy sessions. But I I feel like a
lot of things you said. I'm gonna re listen to
this podcast, UM when it airs, because I just I
appreciate everything you said, and I appreciate you calling me out,
and I just I appreciate you know your words. So
thank you so much. And to our listeners. UM, where
can they find you out? Oh, ask land dot org.
(53:23):
Ask land dot org. You can go there and get
a class, a session, or whatever it is that you need.
And I already know that you walk and do it.
I know that you all can do it. I see
it in you already. UM. And I also want you
both to know this, there is absolutely nothing to be
ashamed of when it comes to financial difficulty or marital discord.
(53:46):
It is the most normal thing. I've never met anyone
on the planet that didn't have to go through something.
But it's what we learn about ourselves. Life is ten
percent what happens to you and how respond. So what
I've learned is if I got better, my life got better.
If I got better, the things that were happening around
(54:08):
me got better. And it takes patience. So thank you
all for allowing me to share with you, and good luck.
Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Okay, Violin bye bye.
Well she's got so much information and a lot of
insight on a lot of this, and I appreciated her
(54:29):
her bluntness and her new book is Get Your Money
Back Tax Deduction you never knew about at Lynn Richardson
dot com. So I mean again, she can talk all
around any kind of money, and she's that you're dealing with.
Can I say something you got? Really? I felt it
(54:50):
what she said, Yeah, do you want to talk about
because I think I don't want you to take what
she said in a shaming way. And I think, right
I'm where it's just you and me and a couple
of thousand people listening. But I'm trying to too, because
(55:12):
the second she said that you, she lost you. And
then interview and I was trying to rub your leg
to be like, you know, trying to get you because
I know this second what it did to you the
second she said that, And I was just like, f
there goes the interview because I know where shame goes
(55:33):
to you and I don't. I'm not trying to like
defend her at all, because I you're an amazing husband,
You're a great husband. She was just referencing she's she's
not she's not a therapist, right, so she's not sensitive
to like, she doesn't know our issues, what we've been through,
(55:59):
you know. So when she said a husband like you,
I was like, I know how harsh you take words.
And I was like, ah, that's gonna sting him. And
I'm like, it made me upset for you because I
didn't want you to have to feel that throughout the interview.
But I think she just meant like a husband. That's
It's just I think she was just trying to say
it was like a husband that spends, you know, money,
(56:22):
So a husband like you, you know, but the wording, yes,
sounds harsh, but you're a great husband. Are you hearing
any of this because I feel like you're just really
shut off. Now I'm hearing it. I appreciate you trying
to uh decipher in a different way. I Mark, if
(56:43):
you want to come, And I disagree a little bit
because the timing of it was right after the addiction stuff,
and so I think what she was saying what was
for that reason. It's just she's a money person, so
like you said, she's not a therapist, so people just
talk more bluntly when it comes to money. That's like
her whole thing, right is taking the emotion out of money.
(57:04):
So I just think she's being that direct. I don't
think she She wasn't perfectly trying to shame me. I know,
but you're wearing it for sure, and there's nothing to wear.
But you're a great husband, I know that, So what
are Why are you wearing it? Because it's making me
sad that you are when as shaming as being an
(57:32):
attic is when that's when you're put into a category
or mentioned in such a way. Again, nothing personal to
Lynn at all. By no means was it purposeful or
anything like that. It's just the way I received it,
(57:55):
but just being categorized like I can't do something because
you're an act or you know someone like you or
you know m Yeah, I felt for like during that
(58:22):
interview and I was trying to decide is she really
is she being harsh to micro my putting myself in
my position and therefore taking the guy's side kind of naturally,
But I did feel like Mike got a kind of
hard right there alright with that statement, for sure. I
mean she totally called me out to for and I
have to work on that in general as well, coming
(58:44):
in and being like, well gooys. Some the Dems used
it like Jannah shut up, okay, you know, so that
that's my work too. I think it's just hard because yeah,
it's like, okay, because you're the overspender, of course they're
going to probably come down more on the overspender unfortunately,
you know. It just I think it was more than
(59:07):
just that comment, because it was hard because a lot
of it was just off of the forty seconds we
talked at the beginning. A lot of it I thought
was generalized than after that, like to an extreme. It's like,
you know, some of the words, yeah, like you don't
you don't I don't think you retaliate. Yeah, as much
(59:27):
as I wanted to, like like what what what, it's
not the case all the time, and this is that,
you know, it just seem to really exaggerate some of
the negative traits or things and whatever. So well, I mean,
(59:48):
you know, I still think it's normal for couples to
have one person that spends more, one person that spends less,
and there's pluses and minus to both of them, and
you know, just continue to talk it out, you know,
read resources and talk to your therapists and don't let
that drive a wedge into your marriage because that can
(01:00:10):
cause a lot of underlying resentment and that's just not good.
So all right, guys, that's a show hye Bye,
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