November 20, 2024 • 37 mins
Families can be challenging, and being in a blended family adds another layer to those relationships, but Jana and Allan are ready to hear some advice from family therapist Whitney Goodman.
Jana opens up about her relationship with her parents, and Whitney shares what she’s learned from adults who grew up in a blended family, including what affected them positively… and negatively.
Plus, we get a full recap of Roman’s first birthday!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Well, we hit a big little milestone in the adult
education family. Our little Roman turned one, not so little.
I know, it's sad. It makes me. It makes me
sad because I think back and go. It just it
happens so fast.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
He literally ate half a cake last night.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
You're like, you only let him take a few little
tastes of it, and you're like, Okay, that's it. I'm like, no, babe,
this is his smashed cake. Like he's allowed to, this
is his cake. Have at it.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Yeah, I know.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
We don't want to start his sugar addiction at the
age of one. And he's just changed these milk, so
they arefore those an unfluxu of icing, icing and sugar
and new milk.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
It's not a good combination.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
But as usual you it had an amazing buffy big
as you organized all these presents and you kicked your
amazing chili was it clothing?
Speaker 2 (01:06):
It called terrific turkey chili. I'm the all recipes terrific.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Talk about you need to share that with this.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I know, but I add different things on there. I
had my own little twist on it. But you can
find the generic recipe on all recipes, but I just
add a bunch of the other stuff that's not in there.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
They're going to keep that secret, are you No.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
I mean, I don't really think anyone's going to take
cooking advice for me.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
You're so much better than you think, but I don't know.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
That's just because I've cooked that for years. And then
this other thing that you would never eat because it
has a load of cheese on it, which I wouldn't
eat now anyways too, but anyways.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Okay, best moment from his buffdy Oh.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I mean, I think just like having everyone because it
wasn't going to be we weren't going to do a
thing like with Jolie, I had like sixty people over
in this theme and cut like I mean, it was
just like so over the top. She was my first
and then with Jace when we had just moved here,
we did a first birthday for him too, and there
was a bunch of people. But for Roman, I just
(02:10):
felt like everyone's so busy and I didn't even want
to text any of the girls to be like come over,
because again I don't want them to feel obligated, knowing
that their lives our lives are crazy. There's they've got
so much going on and I don't want them to
feel obligated or feel like they have to. And it's
like it's just a first birthday.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Okay, So what was your favorite moment?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Well, I'm getting to it. My favorite moment was the
fact that they all came, you know, and they were
the ones that asked me about it, where they were like,
what are you doing for Roman? I was like, Oh,
We're just going to do a little smash cake for him,
just with the kids and keep it really small and
I'm not doing like a theme or a big part.
I'm like, you guys are all really busy. And Catherine
(02:52):
Sarah was the first one that said, no, I'm coming.
I want to see him. And then Catherine's like, if
you don't invite me, like she's she basically was like
I was coming whether you invited me or not. Pam
was like, am I not invited? And I'm like, no,
I didn't invite literally didn't, and like they were all
like down, like I didn't invite anyone because I just
didn't want to make I feel like you guys have
(03:13):
to come or like make it a thing. So but
the fact that they were all there and just when
everyone was singing Happy Birthday to him, and even though
he was staring off into like a sea of people
being like who are like this is why is everyone
singing to me? It just made me feel so sweet
because he's so loved and adored by you know. And
then your friends came from Scotland or not from Scotland,
but like they're from Scotland, but they live, you know,
(03:35):
in Memphis, and so it's just really sweet to have
people that just love him in the room. That was
my favorite part, and everyone's singing happy Birthday to him.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Yours mine was watching how you so when he sat
and he's little cheer and he's got the balloons behind
them and he's got these I think we were holding
the cake at that point, and everyone's singing Happy Buthday
and he's just kind of staying and staying and he.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Could go either way. He could cry, yeah, or he
could laugh, so you can see it. There was just
to see his little mind process and it's like, what
the hell are these people doing? I thought he was
everyone surrounding me and singing a song and looking and
staring at me. The process of everything composed they self,
and then when everyone started clapping, He's like, okay, this
(04:20):
is for me, and he started the moment that he
started clapping along with everyone else, and then he was
smiling and he's like, Okay, I get this. Now I
can eat nine hundred calories of cake in the second.
It was just to see how his little mind adjusted
to because he's never the situation where he's got what
like twenty five people around him cheering, singing Happy Buffday.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
And so that was my That was my favorite moment.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, I agree with you. It was really sweet.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Yeah, as I was bent down next to them, when
my soul.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Back is that why you don't want another one? Because
because we're so crippled.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
I'm not crippled this week because of a child. I'm
crippled this week from getting too than forty three boxes
of Christmas decorations out of the attic, piled up ten
feet high.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Oh and I had to hear every step of.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
It, every twisted step of it.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Let me ask you a question, what can I do
for you next year to make this situation decorating for
Christmas easier on you? Because from the way that I.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Do, it's not difficult on me, don't.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
I heard nothing but.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Take it.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
The difficult part is the difficult part is navigating your
way into the like for such a and we're very
grateful with such a big house that we've got.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
The attic space is the size of a wardrobe.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
It is very small, and.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
It twists and turns out of Roman's room. Yeah, to
then go down the spiral.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
It goes from a small door into his closet and
then a real you don't have much of a turn
into his bathroom, and then out his room into his room,
then out of his room.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
So carrying the boxes is not carrying the box. It's
twisting the boxes around corners, Okay, and that's what That's
what hots my back?
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Is it twisting?
Speaker 3 (06:14):
So we need to find a bit of solution for
next year because the boxes are heavy and I'm not
walking on a mess back for a week.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
What was the solution?
Speaker 1 (06:24):
What is a solution? I need you think of it.
I've got a year to think about it.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Well, not really, because I think it depends how we'd
pack it back in, you know. So really you've got
when's Christmas? You have until after the day of Christmas
because that's when it's all going back in. But I listen,
Oh what if I just do it? I can all?
(06:50):
The only thing is all I've ever needed help was
do you know what I think it is? Carrying it out?
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Do you know what I think?
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Because I can't physically carry those But if I could
trust me, babe, I would because I'd rather do that
than here. Because I decorate everything, I did it all myself.
It helps me with five bulbs on the top of
the tree.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
No, I built the tree, but I built the tree
the tree ways.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Yes, I can't at least one hundred kilos and it's
twelve fourteen three.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
The help of our friend David, Yes, but then the rest.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Is emotional support. Do you know what I think? It is? Right?
Speaker 3 (07:25):
My brain goes from season to season, and I don't
think my brain can yet process decoration has gone up
at the beginning of November.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
I'm really sorry for your lass, but we're going to
have to re.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
My brain needs reprogrammed on that and it needs to
become okay.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Right now, November is hit. It's decoration time.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
Let's go whereas And now I'm like, okay, let's let's
see what November brings. And it's never in my head
to put decorations up. Can I just say, can I
just say, you do the most amazing job.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Thank you?
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Either, like once I bring all the boxes down and
all the items, the way that you put it together, specially.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Making serious question is amazing.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Thank you. I enjoy it. So if I could, I
would take everything out and then put them back. I
just can't.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I think it's I think it's a woman thing enjoy that.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
I do enjoy it. And I've realized I'm going to
defluff a tree by myself because I don't think men
understand how to do how to fluff a tree.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Fluff Gate is a whole different conversation.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
It is because you I'm like you maybe have reaction.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
To fluff Gate lasted probably a day and a half.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Well, it was just like the comments. I'm like, you, guys,
these these things are are smashed in boxes, like I'm
just asking if you can help me, and you're just
all it's like you're just touching the bristols. You're not
actually moving up or down or side like you have
to fill it in like a tree. And you look
at me like I'm stupid, And that triggers me because
I'm like I'm not the stupid one.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
Here.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
You're looking at a flat tree that's been shut into
a box.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
I'm flat tree looks good.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
It does not look good, So you have to defluff
it and move it around and trust me like my
mother taught me that. And but now I've gotten to
a place where I don't want you to touch any
tree brand. I'll do it. I'm fine with it now
because I'd rather do it than be made to feel
crazy for to fluffing a tree.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
I've put my life on the lane and be fluffed.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Wait, Easton, it's so true.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
He fluffed the top three ft of the tree.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Can you just pop on really fast? Because is which
side are you on? Mine or the guy? The guy
doesn't know how to difluff.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
This is a very common fight.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
It is.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
It's like it's a frustration.
Speaker 4 (09:55):
Yeah, yeah, all right. We we We have a tree
that comes at a box and every year my wife says,
can you help me fluff it? And she's never happy
with my fluffing. I'm so bad at it, and I try.
I've looked up how to fluff a tree, watch videos.
I can't do it. I don't have the eye for it.
I think it's an eye thing.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
It's not on the male gene. It's not you.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Guys have you take the branch and then one goes up,
one goes this way, one goes that way, and then
so you fill the tree like it would be a branch.
This is how it comes that's not how when it
comes out that you guys lift, turn, move, separate.
Speaker 4 (10:29):
I feel insane because like I do it, and then
I look at it, I'm like, oh, this looks like
a Charlie Brown. This is like a perfect tree. This
is for a greeting card. And then I'll like walk
away and come back there's a giant bald spot or like,
my god, like I just can't do it.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
We've also got a tree in every room, so defluffing
has to happen in every room.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Some rooms. I think we've even get too trees.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Listen, I just okay, so women, just don't ask your
men to defluff a tree. Apparently it's just mid October.
Oh god, it was the beginning of November. And listen,
and can we just say, in defense my early decorations,
(11:14):
there's a lot of people that do it that you've
noticed also around the neighborhood. I'm grateful decorations up, so
we have We're going to take a break and then
we're going to bring our guest on. But I'm curious
because we've got a guest coming on. Her name is
Whitney Goodman and she is a radically honest psychotherapist. She's
(11:36):
got a big old Instagram sit with wit and she's
the founder of Calling Home, author of Toxic Positivity, and
the owner of the Collaborative Counseling Center. So she talks
a lot about family trauma and especially when the older
adult right, like almost the therapy for us. And I've
(11:56):
talked many times about my childhood. I guess wounds and
things that affected me in my adulthood. But I feel
like for you, Alan, like you had a really beautiful
upbringing and two great but it's like every time I go, oh,
does that go back to your childhood or does this?
Does this or is there a piece of your childhood
(12:17):
or what or what are your childhood wounds? And I
feel like I've never really like you don't really have them.
You're like, no, I grew up in a great family.
And because I'm always like, how does something not connect
to childhood or childhood wounds or childhood past.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Does it not connect to me?
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Yeah, because that's I'm just so programmed to everything of
my issues being from childhood. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah? Not it does because I'm the opposite.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
I don't really have any childhood childhood issues, nothing, And.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
I'm like, and I almost feel like I'm like instigating
every time to be like but do like are you
sure there's not one thing? Or maybe like me like yeah,
like to you or I'm like, but are you sure,
like you're maybe your your dad didn't do this or
your mom didn't do this, or I'm just trying to
like figure it, like figure out maybe certain reasons why
you're certain ways now as an adult because of past,
(13:06):
not saying like the good or like good and bad
of it all.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
I mean, I don't. I've had this discussion a few
times and I don't. I don't know anything that comes
from I didn't have an unbalanced, unstable childhood. I had
two supportive parents that would always be at sports and
support whatever I need to do. Home life was was good.
(13:33):
I mean, my mom and Dada are still together and
have been since they were like nineteen twenty years old.
So I always had that balance and that feeling of
safety to go back to my family home or be
in the family homes. I don't it's difficult for me
to think of anything that listen.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
It was.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
I grew up in East End of Glasgow. I've got
a generation of I think there's a natural cynicism in
Glasswegians and there's also a really tough, blue collar mentality.
My dad was like that. My grandfather was like that.
His grandfather was like that. I remember, I remember my grandfather.
(14:16):
I'd come back from football matches and my dad would
take me up or my grandfather be in the house
and they were like, how did you get on? I
was like, yeah, Grandpa, we won. We won like ten now,
and he's like, how many goals?
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Just go? Like, scored eight out of the ten. He's like,
you must have.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Been playing against the blind asylum, not like, look well
done scoring eight goals out of the ten. You must
have been playing against blind people. I loved I loved them.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
With bits, but it was just yeah, it was just tough.
Speaker 3 (14:48):
And my dad like that, like like if if I
really want to hear the hard truth about something, the
real hard truth.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
ILL asked my dad. He softened up over the years.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
So this isn't a saying let's take a break and
then I want to bring this piece back up with Whitney. Hey, Hi,
how are you?
Speaker 5 (15:17):
I'm good? How are you?
Speaker 2 (15:19):
I'm good. I'm Jana. This is my husband Alan, Nice
to meet you. We're just going to hop right into
it because it's still a break. We were talking about.
So I have like loads of childhood traumas and things
that always like have I've you know, uncovered in therapy,
keep uncovering and you know it's so I marry this
(15:39):
amazing scotsman and he's I'm always like, Okay, I love
to talk about childhood wounds. It's like I'm like the
worst party person at a dinner party because I'm like,
what are your childhood wounds? Like when I first meet you?
Within the first like five seconds and yeah, and I'm
like is that triggering this? Like? And so it's when
we started dating, you know, we started talking about it
(16:01):
a lot, and it's I always try to connect, right, Okay,
is that a childhood thing or is that you know
in your adolescence And you know he came he was
just explaining like his upbringing again like he comes from
a very you know, lovely upbringing. He's got two very
supportive parents. They're still married, and I'm still like, but
there's still that piece of me. I'm like, but there's
got to be something, like something that is And it's like,
(16:23):
I don't know why I can't just accept that. Maybe
some people just don't have anything that goes back to
their childhood. But then he just said something where his
grandpa was like, you know, he scored eight out of
the ten goals. But then his grandpa said something like, oh,
you must have been playing against blind people. And so
then I just go, oh, wait, maybe there's a piece
of that where it's like no, no, that you feel
(16:44):
like it's you weren't enough.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Oh see, this is the same grandfather that would drive
me to games when my mom and dad can't make it,
and even when it would come to oh my yes.
So it's like it's just it's just that it's almost
like a Scottish mental, old school tough mentality. If you
get praised, you're going to be weak. I can't praise
you too much of the weakness will sit in.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
But that's kind of how you are today. So maybe
that is a.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Piece of I think listens to generational things behavior Whitney,
what are your thoughts?
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Yeah, and we're really glad to have you on.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
Yes, thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 5 (17:22):
No, thank you for having me.
Speaker 6 (17:23):
I think that we're all impacted by the things that
happen throughout our childhood, right, positive or negative. It sounds
like what you're getting at is like, how do these
experiences not impact some people in a negative way or
how are they able to make sense of it? And
I think a lot of that just comes from like
the stories that we tell ourselves and that we're told
(17:44):
about our childhood, and also with how we're making sense
of the world. There's also this idea of like repair.
You know, you mentioned your grandpa also did all these
other good things for you, and maybe he made this
one comment, but in the grand scheme of things, you
have this perception of him as being overall good and
positive in your life, and that can help.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
I think it's interesting, interesting because when I think about, like,
you know, like my grandma when it's like the first
time I got a serious, regular role, she was like, Oh,
when are you ever going to get something where I
don't have to fast forward through and I'm like, I
am a serious regular on a TV show, and I'm like, oh,
it's always not enough. But there was in those she
was wonderful. There was messages that I was getting from
all sides of like everybody, like you're not enough here,
(18:26):
You're not enough there, And like then that just compiled
my whole I'm not enough statement totally.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Yay.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
So, how what are some of the things that you
do in your calling home that help people through that
generational and like the trauma and all that.
Speaker 6 (18:42):
Yeah, So I work primarily with adult family relationships to
help people build better race relationships today and also understand
how their childhood experiences have gotten them to where they
are now. So exactly what you guys are talking about here,
and a lot of what we're focusing on is the
reallyationship between adults and their parents. That seems to be
(19:03):
the biggest frustration for people right now.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
What do you think is the biggest break in the
bond between the adults and the parent.
Speaker 6 (19:12):
A lot of it is just a misunderstanding about what
is important to the adults. You know, whenever I talk
to these adults, they all care about their emotional well being,
their emotional health, their parent being emotionally mature, and the
parents sometimes are not seeing that as being important. They're like,
I kept a roof over your head, fed you, I
did my job, and now we're good. And these adults
(19:34):
want more from their parents in adulthood. They want to
actually have a legitimate relationship.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
H yeah, I mean I remember we were having conversations
about that a couple weeks ago, and just you know,
trying to understand, you know how, because I know how
affected I was by certain things that my parents did,
and so as a mother now I'm very vigilant. I'm like, Okay,
I know I'm going to probably say something do something
to mess them up in some way, but I'm also
(20:03):
trying to be as mindful as I can to just
love on their little selves and you know, correct when
I can can repair what I can repair. But what
is the one thing as a mother with younger kids
that you would say is some of your best tips
for their upbringing?
Speaker 5 (20:19):
I think you just said it right there.
Speaker 6 (20:21):
It's the repair piece, right, because that's what I see
in a lot of these parents of adult children that
are having issues. They don't want to repair. They don't
want to admit that anything went wrong. It's this very
much like I know I wasn't perfect, but I did
my best kind of mentality. And so I think when
you come into parenting with exactly what you just said,
of like, I know, I'm going to mess some things up,
(20:42):
but I'm going to apologize and say I'm sorry. You know,
I have little kids as well, and I say to them, oh,
I'm sorry I yelled, I'm sorry I snapped. And when
you create that pattern of repair with them, you don't
have to do all these big repairs once you get
to adulthood because you've been doing it along the way.
Speaker 5 (20:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
I know that's a good point because I feel like
even when I would attempt conversations with mine now with
my parents now, it's still like, well, we were doing
the best we could with what they have, And I
almost find myself repeating that same pattern to give them
that excuse where and then sometimes I'm like, no, that's
not an excuse, like I'm sorry you didn't have the
therapy or the terms or the words or this that
(21:19):
and the other, but do better now now that you know.
But it's like they don't.
Speaker 6 (21:25):
Absolutely that's exactly what people tell me I was talking
about that with so many in a group yesterday of like,
it's not about what they did then, it's about what
they're doing now. And now that they have the tools,
the access, there's podcasts, all this stuff they could listen to,
they're still saying like, oh, I just don't get it.
Speaker 5 (21:40):
I can't do that, and that can be.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Very frustrating, and or we just let them kind of Okay,
they just are who they are and that's kind of
where I've just gotten to. But then it's not a
deep connected relationship that I would have wanted.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
Do you think you overcompensate based on that experienced Do
you think you will a compensate with Julie and Jays?
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (22:03):
And woman, Well, I feel like sometimes I do, and
then sometimes I go the opposite because I'm like, if
you only knew what I freaking had to go through,
you know, So I think it's a I do, And
then I was like and then when times that I don't,
I'm like, I there's almost like this I don't even
know what it is and I don't know the right
term for it. But I go back and forth with
too much or lacking.
Speaker 5 (22:27):
Yeah, yeah, totally. I mean I think the over compensation.
Speaker 6 (22:29):
It's really relatable that you want to give your kids
everything you didn't get, and some people go almost too
far in the opposite direction of like reparenting themselves through
their children and not thinking about what is my unique
child need, what did I not not?
Speaker 5 (22:44):
What did I not.
Speaker 6 (22:45):
Get as a child that I need to give specifically
back to them.
Speaker 5 (22:49):
And it also makes sense that you would.
Speaker 6 (22:50):
Get fatigued from all of this and feel like, Okay,
I need to pull back and start it again, especially
if you're overcompensating a lot or doing too.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Much right and as the kids get older too, I mean,
is it still just that older kids like they just
want to have the conversation, like they just want parents,
because I remember Jessica Alba was saying how she into
pointo therapy with her daughter. It's like they just didn't
feel like they were communicating or on the right on
the right page. Do you like? What do you find
for that older age too? With kids and parents, I
(23:22):
think it's.
Speaker 6 (23:23):
Really the same thing, like showing up, being consistent, being
a safe place for them. Especially when I talk to
adults looking back on their childhood, a lot of them
have complaints about feeling like their parents were not safe
to them.
Speaker 5 (23:36):
They couldn't tell them anything.
Speaker 6 (23:37):
It would be weaponized against them, and so they pulled back.
So if your kids feel like they can come to
you with stuff, you're probably doing a really good job.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Yeah, that's my big thing. I'm like, the only the
only time I will get mad at you is if
you lie to me. That's the thing I'm like, whenever
my kids come to me, like, you're going to be
mad at me, I was like, I'm going to be
mad if you don't tell me and then you lie
to me about it so we can, we can work
through anything. But it's the lie that I'm going to
get real pissed off about. So I don't know.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Yeah, I think you need to trust yourself a little
bit more because because of your childhood traumas you you'd
almost doubt yourself when you make decisions.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
With Jolie and Jesson, what do you mean, Well, you're.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
Saying you struggle to find the balance. Sometimes you overcompensate
and sometimes you go the opposite way. Whereas I think, parent,
you're such a think I think you're a balanced person, right,
So I think you need to trust how your parent
a little bit more because you've taken your childhood stuff
and you've actually made it positive. It's not a negative
(24:42):
thing on how your parent now. So I feel that
you need to trust yourself and be a little bit
more lenient on yourself when it comes to parenting, because
you beat yourself up sometimes of us, well.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
I beat myself up when it's just when I either
have to raise my voice or I get upset or
I snap, because I then go back to, oh god,
this is this is going to be the point, you know?
Or my daughter tells her that I'm rushing her, you know,
or but.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
They need to have those boundaries. They need to see
that accountability and discipline. Although would you just end up
run around and do it they want? So, I think
you do a good job. I don't think you need
to worry about balanced too much.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Whitney. I know you're not in the house, but.
Speaker 6 (25:24):
No, I think he's probably right that it's you have
the awareness, right, you know how you want to be,
you're aware of it. This goes back to like thinking
about parents who are just like, oh, I did a
good job.
Speaker 5 (25:34):
I'm not even going to think about it. You're doing
the opposite, which.
Speaker 6 (25:37):
Tells me that you're actively trying to be better, to repair,
to show up for your kids, and that is like
seventy percent of the battle, you know, when it comes
to being a good parent, in my opinion.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
So, as a forty year old woman, almost forty one,
what would you say to those people that actually that
want to have the relationship or to open the conversation
with a parent that is kind of stuck in their ways.
Is it a lost cause? Is it just okay, that's
just who they are and accept the relationship for what
it is. Or do you think is there a path
(26:23):
through something how to say it to them in a
way to open them up.
Speaker 6 (26:27):
I think there's some parents that will be receptive and
some that won't, and there's a lot in between, right,
and so I always recommend if you're going to say
this to them, think about how.
Speaker 5 (26:37):
The relationship normally is.
Speaker 6 (26:39):
Are you putting yourself at risk for harm in any
way to have this conversation with them. There are, of
course abusive parents emotionally and physically abusive that you have
to think about that. But if you feel like I
could maybe sit down and tell my parent about this,
and even if they react strongly in the moment, maybe
it'll give them something to think about and we can
move forward. I would focus on sharing your feelings, what
(27:03):
it's been like for you, what you're experiencing, what you're
thinking about, and what you would like to say see.
Speaker 5 (27:09):
Change in the relationship.
Speaker 6 (27:10):
But you also pointed out that piece about acceptance, which
I think is at the core of all of this work,
is like, I have to accept my parents for who
they are.
Speaker 5 (27:19):
I cannot change them.
Speaker 6 (27:21):
I can tell them how I'm feeling, and then the
balls in their court and if they decide not to change,
what is my relationship with them going to look like
moving forward? And that's when you'll see people have more
of those limited relationships, close relationships, or become completely estranged
from their parents.
Speaker 3 (27:39):
Who's your beget audience, Weney. Is it the kids, maybe teenagers,
that are trying to mend the relationship with the adult parents,
or is it the parents who are trying to mend
the relationship with the kids.
Speaker 6 (27:54):
Yeah, my primary audience is definitely adults I would say
between twenty five and forty who are working on their
relationships with their parents or dealing with becoming is strange
from their parents.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Okay, so it's more the adult demographic that you're that
you're working with, because I read something about you've done
a lot of work on kids abusing their parents and
that that kind of stuck in my head, like what
does that look like? What does it look like when
a kid is abusing a parent? And I would assume
that that is teenage kids or even younger, because I
(28:31):
can't imagine a situation where like one of the kids
is bullying you or one of the kids is bullying me.
I don't and I'm like, almost what does that even
look like? So it'd be good to hear from insight
on that.
Speaker 5 (28:44):
But I also like.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Not to calm myself out, but I can be like
snippy with my parents because I'm annoyed at them as
a grown woman, you can't be and I know, no,
I know I can be. And I think it was
until you had said something to me one time, like
but you don't understand the relationship that I have. So
when we were in a conversation and they're saying something
that is so ungodly not true, I just am like,
(29:05):
that's actually not true, and do you want to go
back to my childhood so we can discuss it? And
so he hears me like snippy, angry, and I'm like,
this is a total wound that just came up for me,
and they're calling out a complete lie and which was
not good for my childhood. It was not the truth.
So like, and I feel terrible in the situation that
like I would put him in in that moment, but
(29:27):
it just it fuels me when I'm like, guys, that's
not true, that's your that's a lie. Let me tell
you how it went.
Speaker 6 (29:33):
Yeah, the context is important, right, And so when we
think about kids abusing their parents. The reason that I
did this series actually probably I did this series on
TikTok about kids that abused their parents was because a
lot of the pushback that I get from parents is
them saying, well, what about abusive adults to their parents?
And what I have found through a lot of the
(29:54):
research on this is that abusive kids are reacting to
their environment lot of the time. So there's other violence
happening within the home, They're exposed to violence in the community.
There's reactive abuse. So a parent is abusing me, so
I start abusing them back. We find that abuse against
I believe it's mothers intensifies, you know when a father
(30:16):
is abusing a mother in the home. So my point
with that series was really to like open up the
conversation about kids aren't typically just born abusive to their parents.
There's a lot of other factors there, and I think
that's what you're calling out, is like, you're seeing this
behavior of me snapping at my parents, but it exists
in this context of all the other things that have
(30:37):
happened in my family.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
We can't all have a perfect family from Scotland are
just like this perfect picture Hallmark family. You guys are
pretty darn close.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
No one in the world with there is a perfect family.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Which I love because I would like, I'm glad that
I'm married into that just so I can see. But
it's because it's a beautiful thing I didn't get to
witness that is.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
I mean, every family has the issues and the problems.
I think the biggest problem is when we zoom a moment, Dad,
none of them are in the camera.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Well think I forgot, there's zoom Old.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
I'm going to start abusing you too in a minute
if you don't get your face in the camera.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
Oh good, that's funny. Okay. Can you tell us about
calling home and what our listeners could the tips and
things they could learn from that series and also podcast
correct Yes.
Speaker 5 (31:35):
Yes, absolutely so.
Speaker 6 (31:36):
Calling Home is an online community for adults that are
breaking generational patterns within their family.
Speaker 5 (31:42):
We offer weekly groups for adults.
Speaker 6 (31:44):
To come and tackle some of these issues, and then
we also offer different content and resources every week that
gets updated regularly, and then I have the podcast where
I tackle some of these topics more in depth, so
things like parents and their adult children, adult siblings, relationships,
et cetera. And we're really just trying to create a
place where people can navigate some of these more adult
(32:06):
family relationship dynamics, not just from the perspective of parenting
young children, which.
Speaker 5 (32:11):
Is a lot of what I see out there being
done on the.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
That's awesome, Uh, first off, but you know, are my
kids are they have another dad, so it's a well
two of them have another dad and then we share
a child together. But for the co parenting parents kids
that are have two different homes, is there something that
(32:39):
you know I should be mindful of, uh with that
journey too, Because my parents got divorced when I was
in high school, so it was it was a little different,
and I know how to navigate that piece, But is
there another piece of it where you're like, this, this
would be helpful for a good relationship and things to
do and not to do.
Speaker 5 (32:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (32:58):
I actually have a podcast episode on blended families where
I got information from adults whose parents had gone through
situations like yours when they were little kids, and I
can share some of the things that they brought up
that were most difficult for them, which was like preferential
treatment being given to certain siblings over others, putting a spouse,
(33:18):
you know, routinely always in front of the kids, and
making the kids feel like they weren't integrated into the family.
And then also sibling dynamics, you know, when you have
kids that are from different parents. Yeah, it's kind of
hard to make sure. I'm sure you guys run into
this that they're on the same page. They have kind
of the same rules and everyone understands what's going on.
(33:40):
But those were some of the things that seemed to
be the most difficult for this population.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Is there one pattern that you see repeated the most
in families you're saying in families, Yeah, Yeah, I really
think it's lack of repair. Like I think it goes
back to what we were talking about the beginning is
people just brushing things under their rug, not wanting to
talk about things, and then wondering why their family keeps
snapping kind of routinely over little issues, and a lot
(34:09):
of it's because of what is being buried and not
talked about.
Speaker 3 (34:14):
Yeah, I mean it takes us a strong child to
to pose these types of questions to the parent and
to want to repair things, which you see some sometimes.
I think now in this day and age, because there's
so much knowledge online, podcasts, social media, I think almost
the kids are out mature in some of their parents. Yes,
(34:38):
when it comes to repair work or when it comes
to communication, because they've got so much. I mean, they've
just got everywhere they look that they can learn online
now where there's a lot of parents are generationally didn't
They didn't have that, so they're stuck in an era.
Now the parents do have it, but maybe they're of
a generation where they don't really quite know where to
look for the information.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Yeah, I can guarantee you, like my parents aren't listening
to podcasts on how to have better relationships or boundaries
or which is why they come. You know, I had
my momon me and be like, so, what would be
a good boundary for you know, like trying to teach
them what a boundary is.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
You know.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
I'm like, no, you can actually ask for that, and
they have to That is something you can set and
then you just have to make sure you follow through
with it.
Speaker 3 (35:18):
And me, you must see that a lot where if
you've got to the parent and the child setting in
the room and I don't know if you do that
tape or walk, will you do the mediation work or whatever,
or whether it's just all online, but I think this.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
Day and age, it would it would be.
Speaker 3 (35:36):
Pretty common for the kid to be sound more mature
and have more emotional away on this than what the
parents in this day and age.
Speaker 5 (35:44):
One hundred percent.
Speaker 6 (35:45):
You're You're absolutely right, And I think that's something we
talk about a lot in our groups, is like I
feel like I'm parenting my parents and I'm having to
step in and teach them all these things, and I
think it can breed some resentment, especially for people who
dealt with a lot of childhood try who have worked
through all of this stuff, having to feel like, hey,
I did all this work, I read the books.
Speaker 5 (36:05):
I did all the things and you're not doing it.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
With the holiday season obviously coming up, there's a lot
of family dynamics at the table. What are some of
your favorite boundaries that you have or that you help
set for those people during the season.
Speaker 6 (36:24):
My number one tip is to not expect your family
to act different on the holidays. Keep your expectations very low,
expect everyone to be how they always are, and set
your boundaries with that in mind. So if you have
certain family members that always end up doing X, Y
and Z, come up with a plan for how you're
going to be prepared for those things. So that might
mean only going to one family event, leaving when everyone
(36:48):
starts drinking, making sure that you don't sit next to
this person whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
Yeah, so next to that uncle Orient. Well, I'm Whitney.
Thank you so much for coming on. And then where
can our listeners find you?
Speaker 6 (37:07):
Yeah, you can visit Callinghome dot co to check out
our groups and our offerings. You can also search the
Calling Home podcast wherever you get podcasts, and you can
find me on Instagram at sit with wit Awesome.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Thanks girl for coming on and have happy holidays.
Speaker 5 (37:22):
Thank you so much. Same to you all right by
Gye
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Well, we hit a big little milestone in the adult
education family. Our little Roman turned one, not so little.
I know, it's sad. It makes me. It makes me
sad because I think back and go. It just it
happens so fast.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
He literally ate half a cake last night.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
You're like, you only let him take a few little
tastes of it, and you're like, Okay, that's it. I'm like, no, babe,
this is his smashed cake. Like he's allowed to, this
is his cake. Have at it.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Yeah, I know.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
We don't want to start his sugar addiction at the
age of one. And he's just changed these milk, so
they arefore those an unfluxu of icing, icing and sugar
and new milk.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
It's not a good combination.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
But as usual you it had an amazing buffy big
as you organized all these presents and you kicked your
amazing chili was it clothing?
Speaker 2 (01:06):
It called terrific turkey chili. I'm the all recipes terrific.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Talk about you need to share that with this.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I know, but I add different things on there. I
had my own little twist on it. But you can
find the generic recipe on all recipes, but I just
add a bunch of the other stuff that's not in there.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
They're going to keep that secret, are you No.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
I mean, I don't really think anyone's going to take
cooking advice for me.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
You're so much better than you think, but I don't know.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
That's just because I've cooked that for years. And then
this other thing that you would never eat because it
has a load of cheese on it, which I wouldn't
eat now anyways too, but anyways.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Okay, best moment from his buffdy Oh.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I mean, I think just like having everyone because it
wasn't going to be we weren't going to do a
thing like with Jolie, I had like sixty people over
in this theme and cut like I mean, it was
just like so over the top. She was my first
and then with Jace when we had just moved here,
we did a first birthday for him too, and there
was a bunch of people. But for Roman, I just
(02:10):
felt like everyone's so busy and I didn't even want
to text any of the girls to be like come over,
because again I don't want them to feel obligated, knowing
that their lives our lives are crazy. There's they've got
so much going on and I don't want them to
feel obligated or feel like they have to. And it's
like it's just a first birthday.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Okay, So what was your favorite moment?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Well, I'm getting to it. My favorite moment was the
fact that they all came, you know, and they were
the ones that asked me about it, where they were like,
what are you doing for Roman? I was like, Oh,
We're just going to do a little smash cake for him,
just with the kids and keep it really small and
I'm not doing like a theme or a big part.
I'm like, you guys are all really busy. And Catherine
(02:52):
Sarah was the first one that said, no, I'm coming.
I want to see him. And then Catherine's like, if
you don't invite me, like she's she basically was like
I was coming whether you invited me or not. Pam
was like, am I not invited? And I'm like, no,
I didn't invite literally didn't, and like they were all
like down, like I didn't invite anyone because I just
didn't want to make I feel like you guys have
(03:13):
to come or like make it a thing. So but
the fact that they were all there and just when
everyone was singing Happy Birthday to him, and even though
he was staring off into like a sea of people
being like who are like this is why is everyone
singing to me? It just made me feel so sweet
because he's so loved and adored by you know. And
then your friends came from Scotland or not from Scotland,
but like they're from Scotland, but they live, you know,
(03:35):
in Memphis, and so it's just really sweet to have
people that just love him in the room. That was
my favorite part, and everyone's singing happy Birthday to him.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Yours mine was watching how you so when he sat
and he's little cheer and he's got the balloons behind
them and he's got these I think we were holding
the cake at that point, and everyone's singing Happy Buthday
and he's just kind of staying and staying and he.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Could go either way. He could cry, yeah, or he
could laugh, so you can see it. There was just
to see his little mind process and it's like, what
the hell are these people doing? I thought he was
everyone surrounding me and singing a song and looking and
staring at me. The process of everything composed they self,
and then when everyone started clapping, He's like, okay, this
(04:20):
is for me, and he started the moment that he
started clapping along with everyone else, and then he was
smiling and he's like, Okay, I get this. Now I
can eat nine hundred calories of cake in the second.
It was just to see how his little mind adjusted
to because he's never the situation where he's got what
like twenty five people around him cheering, singing Happy Buffday.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
And so that was my That was my favorite moment.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, I agree with you. It was really sweet.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Yeah, as I was bent down next to them, when
my soul.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Back is that why you don't want another one? Because
because we're so crippled.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
I'm not crippled this week because of a child. I'm
crippled this week from getting too than forty three boxes
of Christmas decorations out of the attic, piled up ten
feet high.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Oh and I had to hear every step of.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
It, every twisted step of it.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Let me ask you a question, what can I do
for you next year to make this situation decorating for
Christmas easier on you? Because from the way that I.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Do, it's not difficult on me, don't.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
I heard nothing but.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Take it.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
The difficult part is the difficult part is navigating your
way into the like for such a and we're very
grateful with such a big house that we've got.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
The attic space is the size of a wardrobe.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
It is very small, and.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
It twists and turns out of Roman's room. Yeah, to
then go down the spiral.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
It goes from a small door into his closet and
then a real you don't have much of a turn
into his bathroom, and then out his room into his room,
then out of his room.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
So carrying the boxes is not carrying the box. It's
twisting the boxes around corners, Okay, and that's what That's
what hots my back?
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Is it twisting?
Speaker 3 (06:14):
So we need to find a bit of solution for
next year because the boxes are heavy and I'm not
walking on a mess back for a week.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
What was the solution?
Speaker 1 (06:24):
What is a solution? I need you think of it.
I've got a year to think about it.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Well, not really, because I think it depends how we'd
pack it back in, you know. So really you've got
when's Christmas? You have until after the day of Christmas
because that's when it's all going back in. But I listen,
Oh what if I just do it? I can all?
(06:50):
The only thing is all I've ever needed help was
do you know what I think it is? Carrying it out?
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Do you know what I think?
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Because I can't physically carry those But if I could
trust me, babe, I would because I'd rather do that
than here. Because I decorate everything, I did it all myself.
It helps me with five bulbs on the top of
the tree.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
No, I built the tree, but I built the tree
the tree ways.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Yes, I can't at least one hundred kilos and it's
twelve fourteen three.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
The help of our friend David, Yes, but then the rest.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Is emotional support. Do you know what I think? It is? Right?
Speaker 3 (07:25):
My brain goes from season to season, and I don't
think my brain can yet process decoration has gone up
at the beginning of November.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
I'm really sorry for your lass, but we're going to
have to re.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
My brain needs reprogrammed on that and it needs to
become okay.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Right now, November is hit. It's decoration time.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
Let's go whereas And now I'm like, okay, let's let's
see what November brings. And it's never in my head
to put decorations up. Can I just say, can I
just say, you do the most amazing job.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Thank you?
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Either, like once I bring all the boxes down and
all the items, the way that you put it together, specially.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Making serious question is amazing.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Thank you. I enjoy it. So if I could, I
would take everything out and then put them back. I
just can't.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I think it's I think it's a woman thing enjoy that.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
I do enjoy it. And I've realized I'm going to
defluff a tree by myself because I don't think men
understand how to do how to fluff a tree.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Fluff Gate is a whole different conversation.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
It is because you I'm like you maybe have reaction.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
To fluff Gate lasted probably a day and a half.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Well, it was just like the comments. I'm like, you, guys,
these these things are are smashed in boxes, like I'm
just asking if you can help me, and you're just
all it's like you're just touching the bristols. You're not
actually moving up or down or side like you have
to fill it in like a tree. And you look
at me like I'm stupid, And that triggers me because
I'm like I'm not the stupid one.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
Here.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
You're looking at a flat tree that's been shut into
a box.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
I'm flat tree looks good.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
It does not look good, So you have to defluff
it and move it around and trust me like my
mother taught me that. And but now I've gotten to
a place where I don't want you to touch any
tree brand. I'll do it. I'm fine with it now
because I'd rather do it than be made to feel
crazy for to fluffing a tree.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
I've put my life on the lane and be fluffed.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Wait, Easton, it's so true.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
He fluffed the top three ft of the tree.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Can you just pop on really fast? Because is which
side are you on? Mine or the guy? The guy
doesn't know how to difluff.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
This is a very common fight.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
It is.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
It's like it's a frustration.
Speaker 4 (09:55):
Yeah, yeah, all right. We we We have a tree
that comes at a box and every year my wife says,
can you help me fluff it? And she's never happy
with my fluffing. I'm so bad at it, and I try.
I've looked up how to fluff a tree, watch videos.
I can't do it. I don't have the eye for it.
I think it's an eye thing.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
It's not on the male gene. It's not you.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Guys have you take the branch and then one goes up,
one goes this way, one goes that way, and then
so you fill the tree like it would be a branch.
This is how it comes that's not how when it
comes out that you guys lift, turn, move, separate.
Speaker 4 (10:29):
I feel insane because like I do it, and then
I look at it, I'm like, oh, this looks like
a Charlie Brown. This is like a perfect tree. This
is for a greeting card. And then I'll like walk
away and come back there's a giant bald spot or like,
my god, like I just can't do it.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
We've also got a tree in every room, so defluffing
has to happen in every room.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Some rooms. I think we've even get too trees.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Listen, I just okay, so women, just don't ask your
men to defluff a tree. Apparently it's just mid October.
Oh god, it was the beginning of November. And listen,
and can we just say, in defense my early decorations,
(11:14):
there's a lot of people that do it that you've
noticed also around the neighborhood. I'm grateful decorations up, so
we have We're going to take a break and then
we're going to bring our guest on. But I'm curious
because we've got a guest coming on. Her name is
Whitney Goodman and she is a radically honest psychotherapist. She's
(11:36):
got a big old Instagram sit with wit and she's
the founder of Calling Home, author of Toxic Positivity, and
the owner of the Collaborative Counseling Center. So she talks
a lot about family trauma and especially when the older
adult right, like almost the therapy for us. And I've
(11:56):
talked many times about my childhood. I guess wounds and
things that affected me in my adulthood. But I feel
like for you, Alan, like you had a really beautiful
upbringing and two great but it's like every time I go, oh,
does that go back to your childhood or does this?
Does this or is there a piece of your childhood
(12:17):
or what or what are your childhood wounds? And I
feel like I've never really like you don't really have them.
You're like, no, I grew up in a great family.
And because I'm always like, how does something not connect
to childhood or childhood wounds or childhood past.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Does it not connect to me?
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Yeah, because that's I'm just so programmed to everything of
my issues being from childhood. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah? Not it does because I'm the opposite.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
I don't really have any childhood childhood issues, nothing, And.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
I'm like, and I almost feel like I'm like instigating
every time to be like but do like are you
sure there's not one thing? Or maybe like me like yeah,
like to you or I'm like, but are you sure,
like you're maybe your your dad didn't do this or
your mom didn't do this, or I'm just trying to
like figure it, like figure out maybe certain reasons why
you're certain ways now as an adult because of past,
(13:06):
not saying like the good or like good and bad
of it all.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
I mean, I don't. I've had this discussion a few
times and I don't. I don't know anything that comes
from I didn't have an unbalanced, unstable childhood. I had
two supportive parents that would always be at sports and
support whatever I need to do. Home life was was good.
(13:33):
I mean, my mom and Dada are still together and
have been since they were like nineteen twenty years old.
So I always had that balance and that feeling of
safety to go back to my family home or be
in the family homes. I don't it's difficult for me
to think of anything that listen.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
It was.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
I grew up in East End of Glasgow. I've got
a generation of I think there's a natural cynicism in
Glasswegians and there's also a really tough, blue collar mentality.
My dad was like that. My grandfather was like that.
His grandfather was like that. I remember, I remember my grandfather.
(14:16):
I'd come back from football matches and my dad would
take me up or my grandfather be in the house
and they were like, how did you get on? I
was like, yeah, Grandpa, we won. We won like ten now,
and he's like, how many goals?
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Just go? Like, scored eight out of the ten. He's like,
you must have.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Been playing against the blind asylum, not like, look well
done scoring eight goals out of the ten. You must
have been playing against blind people. I loved I loved them.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
With bits, but it was just yeah, it was just tough.
Speaker 3 (14:48):
And my dad like that, like like if if I
really want to hear the hard truth about something, the
real hard truth.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
ILL asked my dad. He softened up over the years.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
So this isn't a saying let's take a break and
then I want to bring this piece back up with Whitney. Hey, Hi,
how are you?
Speaker 5 (15:17):
I'm good? How are you?
Speaker 2 (15:19):
I'm good. I'm Jana. This is my husband Alan, Nice
to meet you. We're just going to hop right into
it because it's still a break. We were talking about.
So I have like loads of childhood traumas and things
that always like have I've you know, uncovered in therapy,
keep uncovering and you know it's so I marry this
(15:39):
amazing scotsman and he's I'm always like, Okay, I love
to talk about childhood wounds. It's like I'm like the
worst party person at a dinner party because I'm like,
what are your childhood wounds? Like when I first meet you?
Within the first like five seconds and yeah, and I'm
like is that triggering this? Like? And so it's when
we started dating, you know, we started talking about it
(16:01):
a lot, and it's I always try to connect, right, Okay,
is that a childhood thing or is that you know
in your adolescence And you know he came he was
just explaining like his upbringing again like he comes from
a very you know, lovely upbringing. He's got two very
supportive parents. They're still married, and I'm still like, but
there's still that piece of me. I'm like, but there's
got to be something, like something that is And it's like,
(16:23):
I don't know why I can't just accept that. Maybe
some people just don't have anything that goes back to
their childhood. But then he just said something where his
grandpa was like, you know, he scored eight out of
the ten goals. But then his grandpa said something like, oh,
you must have been playing against blind people. And so
then I just go, oh, wait, maybe there's a piece
of that where it's like no, no, that you feel
(16:44):
like it's you weren't enough.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Oh see, this is the same grandfather that would drive
me to games when my mom and dad can't make it,
and even when it would come to oh my yes.
So it's like it's just it's just that it's almost
like a Scottish mental, old school tough mentality. If you
get praised, you're going to be weak. I can't praise
you too much of the weakness will sit in.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
But that's kind of how you are today. So maybe
that is a.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Piece of I think listens to generational things behavior Whitney,
what are your thoughts?
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Yeah, and we're really glad to have you on.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
Yes, thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 5 (17:22):
No, thank you for having me.
Speaker 6 (17:23):
I think that we're all impacted by the things that
happen throughout our childhood, right, positive or negative. It sounds
like what you're getting at is like, how do these
experiences not impact some people in a negative way or
how are they able to make sense of it? And
I think a lot of that just comes from like
the stories that we tell ourselves and that we're told
(17:44):
about our childhood, and also with how we're making sense
of the world. There's also this idea of like repair.
You know, you mentioned your grandpa also did all these
other good things for you, and maybe he made this
one comment, but in the grand scheme of things, you
have this perception of him as being overall good and
positive in your life, and that can help.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
I think it's interesting, interesting because when I think about, like,
you know, like my grandma when it's like the first
time I got a serious, regular role, she was like, Oh,
when are you ever going to get something where I
don't have to fast forward through and I'm like, I
am a serious regular on a TV show, and I'm like, oh,
it's always not enough. But there was in those she
was wonderful. There was messages that I was getting from
all sides of like everybody, like you're not enough here,
(18:26):
You're not enough there, And like then that just compiled
my whole I'm not enough statement totally.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Yay.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
So, how what are some of the things that you
do in your calling home that help people through that
generational and like the trauma and all that.
Speaker 6 (18:42):
Yeah, So I work primarily with adult family relationships to
help people build better race relationships today and also understand
how their childhood experiences have gotten them to where they
are now. So exactly what you guys are talking about here,
and a lot of what we're focusing on is the
reallyationship between adults and their parents. That seems to be
(19:03):
the biggest frustration for people right now.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
What do you think is the biggest break in the
bond between the adults and the parent.
Speaker 6 (19:12):
A lot of it is just a misunderstanding about what
is important to the adults. You know, whenever I talk
to these adults, they all care about their emotional well being,
their emotional health, their parent being emotionally mature, and the
parents sometimes are not seeing that as being important. They're like,
I kept a roof over your head, fed you, I
did my job, and now we're good. And these adults
(19:34):
want more from their parents in adulthood. They want to
actually have a legitimate relationship.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
H yeah, I mean I remember we were having conversations
about that a couple weeks ago, and just you know,
trying to understand, you know how, because I know how
affected I was by certain things that my parents did,
and so as a mother now I'm very vigilant. I'm like, Okay,
I know I'm going to probably say something do something
to mess them up in some way, but I'm also
(20:03):
trying to be as mindful as I can to just
love on their little selves and you know, correct when
I can can repair what I can repair. But what
is the one thing as a mother with younger kids
that you would say is some of your best tips
for their upbringing?
Speaker 5 (20:19):
I think you just said it right there.
Speaker 6 (20:21):
It's the repair piece, right, because that's what I see
in a lot of these parents of adult children that
are having issues. They don't want to repair. They don't
want to admit that anything went wrong. It's this very
much like I know I wasn't perfect, but I did
my best kind of mentality. And so I think when
you come into parenting with exactly what you just said,
of like, I know, I'm going to mess some things up,
(20:42):
but I'm going to apologize and say I'm sorry. You know,
I have little kids as well, and I say to them, oh,
I'm sorry I yelled, I'm sorry I snapped. And when
you create that pattern of repair with them, you don't
have to do all these big repairs once you get
to adulthood because you've been doing it along the way.
Speaker 5 (20:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
I know that's a good point because I feel like
even when I would attempt conversations with mine now with
my parents now, it's still like, well, we were doing
the best we could with what they have, And I
almost find myself repeating that same pattern to give them
that excuse where and then sometimes I'm like, no, that's
not an excuse, like I'm sorry you didn't have the
therapy or the terms or the words or this that
(21:19):
and the other, but do better now now that you know.
But it's like they don't.
Speaker 6 (21:25):
Absolutely that's exactly what people tell me I was talking
about that with so many in a group yesterday of like,
it's not about what they did then, it's about what
they're doing now. And now that they have the tools,
the access, there's podcasts, all this stuff they could listen to,
they're still saying like, oh, I just don't get it.
Speaker 5 (21:40):
I can't do that, and that can be.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Very frustrating, and or we just let them kind of Okay,
they just are who they are and that's kind of
where I've just gotten to. But then it's not a
deep connected relationship that I would have wanted.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
Do you think you overcompensate based on that experienced Do
you think you will a compensate with Julie and Jays?
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (22:03):
And woman, Well, I feel like sometimes I do, and
then sometimes I go the opposite because I'm like, if
you only knew what I freaking had to go through,
you know, So I think it's a I do, And
then I was like and then when times that I don't,
I'm like, I there's almost like this I don't even
know what it is and I don't know the right
term for it. But I go back and forth with
too much or lacking.
Speaker 5 (22:27):
Yeah, yeah, totally. I mean I think the over compensation.
Speaker 6 (22:29):
It's really relatable that you want to give your kids
everything you didn't get, and some people go almost too
far in the opposite direction of like reparenting themselves through
their children and not thinking about what is my unique
child need, what did I not not?
Speaker 5 (22:44):
What did I not.
Speaker 6 (22:45):
Get as a child that I need to give specifically
back to them.
Speaker 5 (22:49):
And it also makes sense that you would.
Speaker 6 (22:50):
Get fatigued from all of this and feel like, Okay,
I need to pull back and start it again, especially
if you're overcompensating a lot or doing too.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Much right and as the kids get older too, I mean,
is it still just that older kids like they just
want to have the conversation, like they just want parents,
because I remember Jessica Alba was saying how she into
pointo therapy with her daughter. It's like they just didn't
feel like they were communicating or on the right on
the right page. Do you like? What do you find
for that older age too? With kids and parents, I
(23:22):
think it's.
Speaker 6 (23:23):
Really the same thing, like showing up, being consistent, being
a safe place for them. Especially when I talk to
adults looking back on their childhood, a lot of them
have complaints about feeling like their parents were not safe
to them.
Speaker 5 (23:36):
They couldn't tell them anything.
Speaker 6 (23:37):
It would be weaponized against them, and so they pulled back.
So if your kids feel like they can come to
you with stuff, you're probably doing a really good job.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Yeah, that's my big thing. I'm like, the only the
only time I will get mad at you is if
you lie to me. That's the thing I'm like, whenever
my kids come to me, like, you're going to be
mad at me, I was like, I'm going to be
mad if you don't tell me and then you lie
to me about it so we can, we can work
through anything. But it's the lie that I'm going to
get real pissed off about. So I don't know.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Yeah, I think you need to trust yourself a little
bit more because because of your childhood traumas you you'd
almost doubt yourself when you make decisions.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
With Jolie and Jesson, what do you mean, Well, you're.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
Saying you struggle to find the balance. Sometimes you overcompensate
and sometimes you go the opposite way. Whereas I think, parent,
you're such a think I think you're a balanced person, right,
So I think you need to trust how your parent
a little bit more because you've taken your childhood stuff
and you've actually made it positive. It's not a negative
(24:42):
thing on how your parent now. So I feel that
you need to trust yourself and be a little bit
more lenient on yourself when it comes to parenting, because
you beat yourself up sometimes of us, well.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
I beat myself up when it's just when I either
have to raise my voice or I get upset or
I snap, because I then go back to, oh god,
this is this is going to be the point, you know?
Or my daughter tells her that I'm rushing her, you know,
or but.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
They need to have those boundaries. They need to see
that accountability and discipline. Although would you just end up
run around and do it they want? So, I think
you do a good job. I don't think you need
to worry about balanced too much.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Whitney. I know you're not in the house, but.
Speaker 6 (25:24):
No, I think he's probably right that it's you have
the awareness, right, you know how you want to be,
you're aware of it. This goes back to like thinking
about parents who are just like, oh, I did a
good job.
Speaker 5 (25:34):
I'm not even going to think about it. You're doing
the opposite, which.
Speaker 6 (25:37):
Tells me that you're actively trying to be better, to repair,
to show up for your kids, and that is like
seventy percent of the battle, you know, when it comes
to being a good parent, in my opinion.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
So, as a forty year old woman, almost forty one,
what would you say to those people that actually that
want to have the relationship or to open the conversation
with a parent that is kind of stuck in their ways.
Is it a lost cause? Is it just okay, that's
just who they are and accept the relationship for what
it is. Or do you think is there a path
(26:23):
through something how to say it to them in a
way to open them up.
Speaker 6 (26:27):
I think there's some parents that will be receptive and
some that won't, and there's a lot in between, right,
and so I always recommend if you're going to say
this to them, think about how.
Speaker 5 (26:37):
The relationship normally is.
Speaker 6 (26:39):
Are you putting yourself at risk for harm in any
way to have this conversation with them. There are, of
course abusive parents emotionally and physically abusive that you have
to think about that. But if you feel like I
could maybe sit down and tell my parent about this,
and even if they react strongly in the moment, maybe
it'll give them something to think about and we can
move forward. I would focus on sharing your feelings, what
(27:03):
it's been like for you, what you're experiencing, what you're
thinking about, and what you would like to say see.
Speaker 5 (27:09):
Change in the relationship.
Speaker 6 (27:10):
But you also pointed out that piece about acceptance, which
I think is at the core of all of this work,
is like, I have to accept my parents for who
they are.
Speaker 5 (27:19):
I cannot change them.
Speaker 6 (27:21):
I can tell them how I'm feeling, and then the
balls in their court and if they decide not to change,
what is my relationship with them going to look like
moving forward? And that's when you'll see people have more
of those limited relationships, close relationships, or become completely estranged
from their parents.
Speaker 3 (27:39):
Who's your beget audience, Weney. Is it the kids, maybe teenagers,
that are trying to mend the relationship with the adult parents,
or is it the parents who are trying to mend
the relationship with the kids.
Speaker 6 (27:54):
Yeah, my primary audience is definitely adults I would say
between twenty five and forty who are working on their
relationships with their parents or dealing with becoming is strange
from their parents.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Okay, so it's more the adult demographic that you're that
you're working with, because I read something about you've done
a lot of work on kids abusing their parents and
that that kind of stuck in my head, like what
does that look like? What does it look like when
a kid is abusing a parent? And I would assume
that that is teenage kids or even younger, because I
(28:31):
can't imagine a situation where like one of the kids
is bullying you or one of the kids is bullying me.
I don't and I'm like, almost what does that even
look like? So it'd be good to hear from insight
on that.
Speaker 5 (28:44):
But I also like.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Not to calm myself out, but I can be like
snippy with my parents because I'm annoyed at them as
a grown woman, you can't be and I know, no,
I know I can be. And I think it was
until you had said something to me one time, like
but you don't understand the relationship that I have. So
when we were in a conversation and they're saying something
that is so ungodly not true, I just am like,
(29:05):
that's actually not true, and do you want to go
back to my childhood so we can discuss it? And
so he hears me like snippy, angry, and I'm like,
this is a total wound that just came up for me,
and they're calling out a complete lie and which was
not good for my childhood. It was not the truth.
So like, and I feel terrible in the situation that
like I would put him in in that moment, but
(29:27):
it just it fuels me when I'm like, guys, that's
not true, that's your that's a lie. Let me tell
you how it went.
Speaker 6 (29:33):
Yeah, the context is important, right, And so when we
think about kids abusing their parents. The reason that I
did this series actually probably I did this series on
TikTok about kids that abused their parents was because a
lot of the pushback that I get from parents is
them saying, well, what about abusive adults to their parents?
And what I have found through a lot of the
(29:54):
research on this is that abusive kids are reacting to
their environment lot of the time. So there's other violence
happening within the home, They're exposed to violence in the community.
There's reactive abuse. So a parent is abusing me, so
I start abusing them back. We find that abuse against
I believe it's mothers intensifies, you know when a father
(30:16):
is abusing a mother in the home. So my point
with that series was really to like open up the
conversation about kids aren't typically just born abusive to their parents.
There's a lot of other factors there, and I think
that's what you're calling out, is like, you're seeing this
behavior of me snapping at my parents, but it exists
in this context of all the other things that have
(30:37):
happened in my family.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
We can't all have a perfect family from Scotland are
just like this perfect picture Hallmark family. You guys are
pretty darn close.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
No one in the world with there is a perfect family.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Which I love because I would like, I'm glad that
I'm married into that just so I can see. But
it's because it's a beautiful thing I didn't get to
witness that is.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
I mean, every family has the issues and the problems.
I think the biggest problem is when we zoom a moment, Dad,
none of them are in the camera.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Well think I forgot, there's zoom Old.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
I'm going to start abusing you too in a minute
if you don't get your face in the camera.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
Oh good, that's funny. Okay. Can you tell us about
calling home and what our listeners could the tips and
things they could learn from that series and also podcast
correct Yes.
Speaker 5 (31:35):
Yes, absolutely so.
Speaker 6 (31:36):
Calling Home is an online community for adults that are
breaking generational patterns within their family.
Speaker 5 (31:42):
We offer weekly groups for adults.
Speaker 6 (31:44):
To come and tackle some of these issues, and then
we also offer different content and resources every week that
gets updated regularly, and then I have the podcast where
I tackle some of these topics more in depth, so
things like parents and their adult children, adult siblings, relationships,
et cetera. And we're really just trying to create a
place where people can navigate some of these more adult
(32:06):
family relationship dynamics, not just from the perspective of parenting
young children, which.
Speaker 5 (32:11):
Is a lot of what I see out there being
done on the.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
That's awesome, Uh, first off, but you know, are my
kids are they have another dad, so it's a well
two of them have another dad and then we share
a child together. But for the co parenting parents kids
that are have two different homes, is there something that
(32:39):
you know I should be mindful of, uh with that
journey too, Because my parents got divorced when I was
in high school, so it was it was a little different,
and I know how to navigate that piece, But is
there another piece of it where you're like, this, this
would be helpful for a good relationship and things to
do and not to do.
Speaker 5 (32:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (32:58):
I actually have a podcast episode on blended families where
I got information from adults whose parents had gone through
situations like yours when they were little kids, and I
can share some of the things that they brought up
that were most difficult for them, which was like preferential
treatment being given to certain siblings over others, putting a spouse,
(33:18):
you know, routinely always in front of the kids, and
making the kids feel like they weren't integrated into the family.
And then also sibling dynamics, you know, when you have
kids that are from different parents. Yeah, it's kind of
hard to make sure. I'm sure you guys run into
this that they're on the same page. They have kind
of the same rules and everyone understands what's going on.
(33:40):
But those were some of the things that seemed to
be the most difficult for this population.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Is there one pattern that you see repeated the most
in families you're saying in families, Yeah, Yeah, I really
think it's lack of repair. Like I think it goes
back to what we were talking about the beginning is
people just brushing things under their rug, not wanting to
talk about things, and then wondering why their family keeps
snapping kind of routinely over little issues, and a lot
(34:09):
of it's because of what is being buried and not
talked about.
Speaker 3 (34:14):
Yeah, I mean it takes us a strong child to
to pose these types of questions to the parent and
to want to repair things, which you see some sometimes.
I think now in this day and age, because there's
so much knowledge online, podcasts, social media, I think almost
the kids are out mature in some of their parents. Yes,
(34:38):
when it comes to repair work or when it comes
to communication, because they've got so much. I mean, they've
just got everywhere they look that they can learn online
now where there's a lot of parents are generationally didn't
They didn't have that, so they're stuck in an era.
Now the parents do have it, but maybe they're of
a generation where they don't really quite know where to
look for the information.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Yeah, I can guarantee you, like my parents aren't listening
to podcasts on how to have better relationships or boundaries
or which is why they come. You know, I had
my momon me and be like, so, what would be
a good boundary for you know, like trying to teach
them what a boundary is.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
You know.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
I'm like, no, you can actually ask for that, and
they have to That is something you can set and
then you just have to make sure you follow through
with it.
Speaker 3 (35:18):
And me, you must see that a lot where if
you've got to the parent and the child setting in
the room and I don't know if you do that
tape or walk, will you do the mediation work or whatever,
or whether it's just all online, but I think this.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
Day and age, it would it would be.
Speaker 3 (35:36):
Pretty common for the kid to be sound more mature
and have more emotional away on this than what the
parents in this day and age.
Speaker 5 (35:44):
One hundred percent.
Speaker 6 (35:45):
You're You're absolutely right, And I think that's something we
talk about a lot in our groups, is like I
feel like I'm parenting my parents and I'm having to
step in and teach them all these things, and I
think it can breed some resentment, especially for people who
dealt with a lot of childhood try who have worked
through all of this stuff, having to feel like, hey,
I did all this work, I read the books.
Speaker 5 (36:05):
I did all the things and you're not doing it.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
With the holiday season obviously coming up, there's a lot
of family dynamics at the table. What are some of
your favorite boundaries that you have or that you help
set for those people during the season.
Speaker 6 (36:24):
My number one tip is to not expect your family
to act different on the holidays. Keep your expectations very low,
expect everyone to be how they always are, and set
your boundaries with that in mind. So if you have
certain family members that always end up doing X, Y
and Z, come up with a plan for how you're
going to be prepared for those things. So that might
mean only going to one family event, leaving when everyone
(36:48):
starts drinking, making sure that you don't sit next to
this person whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
Yeah, so next to that uncle Orient. Well, I'm Whitney.
Thank you so much for coming on. And then where
can our listeners find you?
Speaker 6 (37:07):
Yeah, you can visit Callinghome dot co to check out
our groups and our offerings. You can also search the
Calling Home podcast wherever you get podcasts, and you can
find me on Instagram at sit with wit Awesome.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Thanks girl for coming on and have happy holidays.
Speaker 5 (37:22):
Thank you so much. Same to you all right by
Gye
Host
Jana Kramer
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