May 10, 2025 • 27 mins
Jennie Garth continues her conversation with divorce coach Samantha Boss. Co-parenting can be a landmine, and Samantha is telling you why you must drop the act and stop pretending everything is OK for the sake of your kids.
Unsure how to navigate your kids' birthday party now that you're co-parenting? Summer break vacation giving you anxiety because of your toxic ex? Samantha has the best tips on how to handle it!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Hi guys, It's Jenny Garth and we are back for
part two of my conversation with Samantha Boss. Who is
the boss when it comes to divorce coaching. I love
this whole business model that you've It feels like you've
created this space, this white space that everybody in this
situation needs. And also it feels like you are on
(00:37):
you help the person feel like we're a team. I'm
your biggest fan, I'm your cheerleader, and I'm also your quarterback.
Let's do this. Here's what we're going to do.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
And everybody's case is different. And I think that's why
I get so frustrated with certain lawyers is they want
to use the same template on everybody. And nowadays, we
have kids with severe medical issues. We got military, we
got shift workers, we got people that want to homeschool,
we got you know, holistic and not wanting to do
doctors a point. We got all kinds of people out there.
(01:06):
Why are our parenting plans not custom to our family?
Why are we using a template from the state of Indiana,
you know, the state of California. We're going to use
the same template that the last six families got dished out.
But all six families have different dynamics. That is the
part that really blows my mind. And I hope someday, someday,
soon I can get in front of judges and lawyers
(01:26):
and say these have to be custom these cannot be
just boilerplate stamp it. Oh, yep, use the guidelines from
the state. No, it can't, because kids are the ones
that fall through the cracks when that happens.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Yep, because this.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Is really all about the kids. I mean, this isn't
about I know I've been stating, you know, me having
to work with my ex, me having to work with
When I have to work with my ex, my kids
get a different version of me that they don't want.
My kids want the peaceful mom, the happy mom, the
one that's not triggered, the one that doesn't feel threatened,
the one that doesn't feel bothered. That's what my kids want.
But if I have to continue to worry work with
(02:00):
him and he does his high conflict bullshit on me,
I'm going to always comply because I don't know boundaries yet,
and then my kids are getting a bad version of me.
So the kids are the ones that pay the price
if your parenting plan is not good.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
They absolutely do. I think it's really cool that your
kids know the ins and outs of what you're talking
about and they have also their own experience of it. Unfortunately,
but it sounds like they, you know, it would be
very cool if they were on their way to helping
other young people.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
I know they will. They're going to deny it right now,
but when they come and do trainings with me, as
soon as they get off, they're like, Okay, I was like,
how's that feel. They're like, first off, that was exhausting,
but they're like, that feels so good to share because
I know my story even though they don't paint me
as a rainbow unicorn mom. You know, they're like, that
story is going to help other moms not make the
(02:49):
mistake you made. And I'm like, hell yeah, because I
was a dysregulated mom those first eight years. I'll be honest.
I was a screamer. I was a yeller. I was
a goal play with your brother, you know, like because
I had to focus on pause yeah, yeah, you know,
and I wasn't attentive to them. I was so distracted
with bullshit that I was a shit mom and I
was just angry all the time or I'd go on
(03:10):
a cleaning rampage, and they were just like walking on
eggshells in my house. Now all of us have had
a shit ton of therapy together and separately, so we're
all better. And I offered for them. I'm like, hey,
is it okay if I share your stories? Absolutely? I mean,
because they're healed through their therapy. Of like, yeah, that's
our past. But if our past can help other people
share it, let's do it. They love doing trainings. They
(03:30):
love it.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
I would too. It's just helping somebody on second when
they need it so badly. Okay. So I think that
one of the things that I realized in my situation
through my divorce that became a really big problem was
that me and my ex we talked way too much
over text messages, which is not good in terms of,
(03:53):
you know, you can't tell someone's tone or if what
you're saying is being heard and effective in the right
way you and you can read so much into text messaging,
and we just didn't want to talk to each other,
so we fell into firing off texts whether they were
good or bad, and you know, and being short with
(04:13):
each other and then putting the phone down and walking away,
which was so infuriating when you know, you're like, I
really need to work this out with you right now.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Right right, Well, a couple of things. Number one, good
parenting plan. You won't have to talk as much, you know,
if you cover all the detail and you won't have
to be communicating as much. Number two, I mean, I
don't know how old you are, but I was before
the whole apps were out, you know, texting was like
T nine. Ing had just came out when I was
getting a divorce. That's how old I am. So like
people were like, why didn't you use an app? I'm like,
(04:41):
they weren't invented yet. Okay, people were actually still calling
people on the phone and having to talk. So I think,
first and foremost an app to you know, so you
have your really good parenting plan to limit plan out
as much as you can in there. But then if
something does fall through a sickness, a transportation issue something
like that, or hey I need to switch a holiday,
or hey I have to work or whatever, that's when
we got to go through the app. And or I
(05:02):
recommend my clients to always develop an email that's just
for divorce and co parenting and school stuff, something that's
not your work email, that's not your personal email that's
designed for I know, I'm only checking this when I'm
ready to think about divorce and co parenting, and so
you don't get a hold of me right now on
my work computer and ding get to blow up my day,
Ding interrupt my mood. You know, it's an email that's
(05:24):
completely separate that maybe you only have on your iPad.
That's a good idea, or check somewhere else. But even still,
we talk a lot about I run a private membership
for moms only call the Next Chapter, and I do
it with my bestie Lea Marie, and I always say
she's the pretty calm one and I'm the high maintenance,
like off the wall, in your face, you know, person
in our group. But we run a membership group where
we give trainings on specific stuff like this, where we
(05:47):
break down and say, okay, if you're a thumb warrior,
we got to train you through like why are you
so emotionally dysregulated? Why do you feel the urge to
defend yourself against someone that's never going to agree with you?
Speaker 1 (05:57):
You know?
Speaker 2 (05:57):
And we break that down as to why, why why,
and we teach them gray Rock and we teach him
how to use chat GBT, but the apps are where
it's at, you know. That way, everything that does get
said could possibly be read by a third party professional
and then evaluate who is the problem. But yeah, the
whole urge to go back. A lot of that is
just a self worth issue. You feel like you have
to defend against someone that's never going to change their
(06:19):
judgment on you whatsoever.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Or you're not right with them and you want to
be heard, but you're not going to be heard that way.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
Yeah. Never. They're never going to receive what you're delivering,
not the way you meant to deliver it. They will
always receive it differently. Like I tell the story all
the time of my ex husband. I sent him, you know,
a message on email back in the day and I said, hey, Walker,
our oldest lost his tooth and I sent a picture
and he said, you know, why are you sending me this?
(06:46):
I knew his tooth was loose, and I said, I know,
I was just sharing with you. He goes, the tooth
has been loose for a week. How did you not
know that? Oh, you're right, Like, because I didn't tell
him the tooth was loose. A couple of weeks ago
when I didn't. It's just something so that I thought
would be joyful, I thought triggering me. I thought it
would be just the thing to like get us on this, like, oh,
thanks for letting me see you the picture. It was
(07:06):
as soon as I told him, I got braided of
how you know, I didn't take care of the tooth.
That's probably why it was lost, because I don't brush
his teeth. It was just everything I ever did got
turned twist and hooked upside down to how I was
the bad person and I was a slow learner. Eight years.
I did that shit until my kids looked me dead
in the face of the kitchen table one day and
they said, would you just stop? He hates you. Would
(07:27):
you just stop? You're embarrassing yourself. And that's when I
went to therapy and I was like, this is what
my kid just said. She's like, oh gosh, oh gosh,
we have some work to do. We have Yeah, if
your kids told you this after this many years, it's
been bad for a while and you've had blinders.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
On m Yeah, because they don't want to tell mom
she's not doing well. Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
And I was not doing well.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
And they don't want to see mom doing not doing well.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
No, and they were just sick of me getting my
feelings hurt. But it was like I was stepping into
the pile of shit every time on my own, you know,
I got out of the car, I walked up to
him at sporting events, I was engaging with him like
because I thought, I want everybody see that I'm not
the problem. I want my kids to see I'm not
the problem. Like, look at me being nice. I look
like fucking Mary Poppins. Everywhere I went like joy, Joy, Joy,
and then he's just blah blah blah. And it was
(08:10):
just it was humiliating what I put myself through because
I didn't know what boundaries. I didn't know I could
say no. I didn't know I could stay in the car.
I didn't know. I didn't have to talk to him
like I felt obligated too, because I had a court
system saying be the better parent, be flexible, be a
good girl. Let the judge like you don't be a problem.
So I didn't know what that meant to me. It
met kisses ass and it wasn't hey teach boundaries because
(08:32):
what ended up happening by me not having boundaries is
both my children became people pleasers, and then they lost
themselves for a while, and then I found boundaries, and
then man, they jumped on the bandwagon right after me.
And now they're both bad asses and very independent and
do whatever the hell they want, whoever they want, when
they want. But that took a lot of work for
us all to get there.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Oh my god, I feel like I'm listening to my
life played back for me in so many of these situations,
so I can really see how being I mean, at first,
I was like a membership. I don't want to be
a member of the divorce People's Club, Like that doesn't
sound fun. But now hearing you explain it, you call
it the next chapter.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
We call it the next chapter. It's a monthly membership.
We give a new training every Monday. There's one hundred
hours worth of trainings already in there, and then we
run two q and as a month, so you can
post a question, jump on, or just watch the recording.
So it's all women right now that are all dealing
with high conflict divorces or high conflict co parting journey,
so that they're in that middle phase, right they were
just married, and we are that middle ground of like,
(09:43):
let me build you back up, sister, let me give
you all the tools. We have stuff in there about finances,
about fitness, about money, about parenting as a single parent,
discipline as a single parent, how to do it when
your kids don't want to go all kinds of stuff,
of like stuff they're too ashamed to ask people. You know,
you're too embarrassed, or you're just like, I don't anybody
know how toxic this shit is. Hang out with strangers, don't.
(10:05):
They don't know, they don't know. And we are building
such a great safe community for people to be vulnerable
and open up. We gave a training yesterday about boundaries
and I just spoke some truth about I sucked at boundaries,
and I couldn't believe how many women were like, I'm ashamed,
but I do this too, I do this too. I'm
too scared. I'm too And it's just like, I think
that was a game changer for every woman on there
(10:26):
to hear that here's this woman on you know, their
their social media all the time that they look up
to that I didn't have it all together at all
for eight years. So I just want I don't want
women to lose eight years. I want them to lose
eight weeks and they figured it all out and they're good,
not eight years like I did. I lost eight years
with my kids because I was just attracted with bullshit.
That sucks, it does.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
I'm so sorry for you. I'm so sorry for me.
I haven't calculated the amount of years that I lost,
but it's probably about eight ears, honest to God, of
me being in my own torture device.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Because nobody was talking about it back then. You know,
nobody was talking and there wasn't TikTok and all these
social media, and it was embarrassing.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
I didn't want to talk about it because I felt
like I was a failure. I had done this. It
was my fault somehow.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Yeah, there's just.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
So many emotions that take over your mind and situations like.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
That exactly, and so I think that's why I love
doing it. You know, like some people may be embarrassed,
They're like, I can't believe you just told that story.
I used to smoke and drink in my garage once
my kids went to bed.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Okay, I love you so much.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
That's how I put it.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
Was in your garage were you sitting in a lawn
chair at all.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
No, I was sitting on the steps to the door,
and I hid the cigarettes and the tennis shoes right
next to the door. Like I didn't make it hard.
I didn't make it hard. But I quit smoking when
my son caught me at a golf outing one time.
I took a drag off someone's cigarette and he was like,
that's disgusting. And I was like, okay, girl, it's about time.
Do you get your shit together? And that was right
(11:56):
when my awakening started to happen, of like, do you
even love yourself? You know, like you're so worried about
this man being nice to you that hates your gutsy?
You love yourself? Right now? Are you proud of yourself?
And it was it was a deep dive and you
own it and that's just.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
What it takes. That's what it takes. I had a
I thought I was going to go to this therapist
and we were going to save our marriage. But I
didn't know we were going to this therapist and he
had planned to end our marriage at that session. And
I remember one thing from that therapy session, and it
was the therapist looking meat straight in my eyes. And saying, Jenny,
(12:31):
why do you want to love a man who doesn't
love you? Ouch? Okay, I gotta go now, like it
just like hit so hard.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Well, that goes with divorce and coparenting. So my kids
were basically telling me, and this is what my therapist
later said, why are you treating him with kind words
when he disrespects you? What are your kids going to
do when they're future boyfriend or employer or peer treats
them like shit? Are you? You're gonna want your kids
to fuck you, you know, and stand up for themselves.
But what are they mirroring right now? They're watching you
(13:00):
still go back to a man that keeps treating in
front of them. He was not shy. He would do
this in front of them and talk about me behind
my back to them, and then they're watching you still
be Mary Poppins all the time, like no way, You're
gonna have to show them what boundaries and getting rid
of people.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
And knowing you're worth like yes, finding out like I
actually my time, my words, this is all I'm worth
something more than yes.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Yeah, yeah, I just got that tattoo worth on my
arm because I absolutely did. Because that word I think
is What saved me is I'm worthy of being special
like this. I'm not defined by him saying you're a
piece of shit, Mom, You're this, You're that. I have
worth And that's why I'm good at my job is
(13:45):
because I can. I do have value. I am an
expert in.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
I recognize that in yourself. Yeah, and it's amazing.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
I have two more kids with my husband who are
only six and five because I'm crazy and had kids
at forty Oh yeah, yeah, whoe is right? And the
way I parent these two hindsight, Like. I have emotional
stories like out the wazoo of looking back on how
much I was not emotionally regulated for the first two
and how I am now. And even when my bigs
(14:11):
come home, they're like, these two have it fucking easy, man, Like,
they don't see you crazy. They don't see you bouncing
off the walls, yell and scream and crying, you know,
throwing a fit, raging, you know whatever. And I'm not.
I'm at peace now because I know my self worth
and back then I didn't. And again, thank god we
had therapy and I've worked through things with the big kids.
But they recognize it and they're proud of me. You
(14:32):
know that I put the work in so that their
brothers have different lives than what they have had. But yeah,
there was a lot of things that happened for my kids.
And I know there's women out there and dads who
are emotionally disregulated, and you got to figure it out.
You have value, you have worth, and you should love
yourself and you got to work on all that shit
before you can ever be able to deliver it to
your kids, ever be able to find somebody new and again,
(14:54):
my business partner, Leah, she jumped from one marriage to
the next because she didn't have worth, you know, and
then then she worked on it and then she found
the man of her dreams.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
It takes work, yes, and nobody wants to do that work,
spending time with yourself, listening to yourself, like loving yourself
up when.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
It's not easy, exactly exactly.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
So, so I have goosebumps for you because I'm so
happy that you've found your worth and you have, you know,
this feeling of assuredness behind you now, like that you
just unstoppable. But that's what happens to us women, you know,
we sometimes it might take some other some people longer
than others to learn these important things, but we all
(15:36):
eventually learned them.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Absolutely. I mean, I'm glad I learned them. I'm sorry
it took eight years, but I have eight years worth
of great moments to be able to teach other women about.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
That's right. What about co hosting birthday parties for your
kids when you're going through a high conflict divorce. Should
you avoid that? Should you be hosting them together separately?
What has what do you think?
Speaker 2 (16:08):
I'm a rip the band aid off. We're doing everything
separate from here on out. And here's why. And this
is where people and divorce have blinders on, because they're
doing what they think the children want and what they
think that will appear as in unity. Kids act different
with each parent. I don't care even if you're married
your kids. When one of you is home and the
other one comes home, your kids flip a little bit
and act a little bit different. Nothing could be more
(16:30):
true in a divorce setting, especially one of high conflict.
You know, my Joe was one example. She was a bubbly,
you know, singing, dancing, spinning down the hallway type of
kid when she was with me. She was very reserved
with her dad, so if we would have had a
birthday party together, she would have had to pick which
personality she wanted to be, and hands down, kids always
picked the high conflict personality parent to cater to because
(16:51):
they fear loss of love or that parent being like
why are you acting that way? You know, judgment. So
having them together, it's not always what your kids want.
I know, maybe you have a six year old or
a seven year old and divorce is fresh and they're like, yes,
I want you both there, blah blah blah. That's great,
But ultimately I also have to ask what's my self worth?
Do I put myself in a binding position for an
(17:12):
hour and a half just to please my child, So
then I'm frozen in fear for an hour and a
half that he's going to come in my ear or
say something to me, or embarrass me, or you know,
talk to the whole room about I'm not putting myself
in that position. I have higher value of myself, so
I'm not going to even put myself there. So I'm
ten out of ten do not recommend no separate. I
can have a great party. And here's what you'll realize
(17:34):
in going through divorce. One of you will be the
friend party person, and one of you will be the
family party person. One of you will be the scavenger
hunt person, that's who I am. One of you will
be the you know, slip away for a holiday, you know,
a birthday. You will find your own dynamic. You don't
have to have a party. This is where you need
to start knowing your kid and making it special and unique.
Don't do what the Joneses do across the street. Do
something cool when you're in a divorce, just to eliminate
(17:56):
that whole thing. You know again, second set of kids,
I don't do big birthday parties, never doing that shit again.
We will do something special, we are not. I'm not
hosting thirteen so.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
I'm gonna stay up until two am making a pinata
from scratch.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Never ever, because I'm gonna be my sixties by the
time that shit happens. So it's never ever, you know, like,
I'm just not doing that. And again, I think that's
where what's important to me. I'm not. You shouldn't be
doing things just because other people are. Well, you know,
Kevin's parents are married and they're having a group where
both they're apparently, then.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
You feel like you feel bad because you're not able
to have such a peaceful situation. There were times when
I opened up my home to my ex and his
new girlfriend, and I'll never forget that, you know. I
had tried to be so strong and.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
Stoic, and then you're exhausted afterwards.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
It was my yeah. And I remember sitting there and
watching a video compilation that he had put together for
the for our daughter for her birthday, and everybody crowded
around in the family room and watched this fun video
and laughing and having the best time watching it. And
there were no images of their mother in the video.
(19:05):
Not only that, but the new girl that was being
basically told to have a life with was the star
of the movie, like it was. She was like the queen.
And I was like, is this really happening?
Speaker 2 (19:17):
He did that and slept well at night. And that's
where people need to wake up, Like, I'm not setting
myself up for that anymore, because.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
They're not thinking, what how is she feeling about it?
Speaker 2 (19:26):
They don't care, they don't care. They're in it's just
not who they are.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
They're onto something else.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
We went out of our way to make sure we
had his favorite drink, you know, Hey, what does she enjoy?
Is she a white wine? Red wine? Girl? Like, let
me make sure you made sure shit they were comfortable
in your home. But then they did not reciprocate. And
that's where when that happens once or twice, that's a
pattern behavior. Put that on your bingo card and start
learning it, because then it's on you if you keep doing.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
It, because you're allowing it to happen. Absolutely, and nobody's
gonna be mad at you or think you're a bad
person if you don't go to your kid's birthday party.
Protecting yourself and that's way more important and your kids. Honestly,
I feel like my kids were always on pins and
needles whenever we were together, although they wanted that desperately,
(20:11):
and they would say, can we just all have dinner?
Can we all be together? Because they want that old
family unit back together, But the reality of it, it
didn't feel good when it was happening. And it wasn't
until I found that piece that you talk about finding
after eight years that my kids were like, I feel like,
now we can be together in the same room and
(20:33):
we can have those family experiences again, and there's just
there's nothing there for me no emotional pull or desire
to prove anything or.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Yeah it's easy. I think eight years was toxic. I
went through a phase where I rebuilt and we rode
in the car together to a tournament and my daughter
rode home with us, and she was like, it was silent.
Like the first two minutes, She's like, this is so
fucking weird. Like, yeah, she was in high school, but
she was like this, this is so bizarre that you're
both She was one when we got divorced. She's like,
(21:04):
I've never been in the car with the both of
you that I can remember now. It was a short
phase where we got along. That that phase was a
very small window in her life where we were, you know,
kumbayaing it. But that car ride was memorable. It's funny
now to look back on that. It was all just
a facade, probably by both of us, but we did it.
But yeah, it's okay to not ever have those moments again.
(21:24):
And now looking back on it, she would she's trained,
and so does my son Walker. They will say, no,
don't do shit together because we are different people in
front of each parent, and then we don't know who
to be and then we have our friends around going
why are you acting that way? You know? And it's
because there's one parent there that they don't feel comfortable
being their true selves with. So no, I think your
kids will adjust when you adjust, But if you're not
(21:45):
adjusted to it, then you're gonna And here's the other tip.
Stop asking your kids what the hell they want.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
They're kids, they don't know.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Why are you seeking validation from a seven year.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Old because you want so badly to make them happy,
you'll basically do anything.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
No, it's I don't think it's happened.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Is it the guilt of the divorce.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
I think it's you want to make sure they're okay
with you. You want to make sure that kiddo's still
okay with you. Kiddo, you know what do you want?
If you want me to go there, I'll go. No,
this is where I need to teach my kid a
boundary early on. Kiddo. I know you may want us
both there, but I didn't ask you. But if you
came and told me, I'm responding, and I'm saying, kiddo,
I know you may want us both there, but that's
not good for mom. So how about as soon as
(22:25):
it's done, I'll pick you up and then we'll go
out for ice cream afterwards. But we're not going to
be the same place at the same time. Okay, I'm
not leaving it up for a discussion, but I think
I have a lot of parents that'll say, you know, hey,
you know, it's almost time for dad to pick up
you know, do you want to go? It's like, why
are you even asking your kid that? Like the whole
reassurance thing, we can't be seeking from children. We have
to know that we're making good decisions because we're a
(22:45):
good parent.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Yeah, we're the parents. What about spring break? Spring break
is is here, it's happening, Summer's coming. What about vacations
and how that can affect this love to bea and
the parenting plan?
Speaker 2 (22:56):
So spring break I love to do every other year,
so you could even years I get odd years. I
know a lot of people are like, let's slit it
in half. No way, man, I want to be gone
for a full week during my year, and you can
be gone during a full week on your year. I'm
not coming back on a Wednesday, because then what if
there's a delay and then now my vacation plans. I
was leaving Wednesday night, and now you've screwed me up.
So we're just doing a whole week. You know. Here's
the tricky part, though. We got to put specifics in
(23:17):
there about do we get both weekends or just one weekend?
So am I going on vacation for spring break? Leading
my weekends the first and then it goes for that
whole week and then I have to be back by Friday,
or do I get to take that second weekend? Those
kind of details really really matter for vacations. I recommend
three weeks, and some people are always going to look
at me and say, Sam, I'm middle class. I can't
do three weeks vacation. Are you kidding me? And here's
(23:39):
my perspective on that. Two weeks is pretty normal, but
that third week is for a buffer when you have
a high conflict X and you say, hey, my sister's
getting married in October. It looks like it falls on
your weekend. Can I have the kids? No?
Speaker 1 (23:53):
No?
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Okay, Then I'm booking a week my third week of
vacation over that weekend, and now he can't take away
that wedding opportunity. That third week is used as a
buffer throughout the year for any special occasions that you
may need. You can call in your vacation because they
can't deny a vacation if your paperwork is written really well.
And the other thing about picking three weeks is I
want people to start manifesting and understanding that you won't
(24:15):
always be poor. If you change your mindset, you won't
always be paycheck to paycheck, barely surviving. You will, especially
if you stop going after old toxic money. If you
start focusing on rebranding yourself, getting confidence, self worth, you're
going to attract not only new people, but new opportunities,
and so you can afford three weeks vacation. I would
(24:35):
have never thought that at the beginning either when I
was a teacher on a teacher salary. But now I
can definitely afford three weeks vacation. But my parenting plan
would have been built just on me being a teacher
and that salary. Your life's going to change if you
want it to.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Yep, you have to clear the way though, clear them
bad out.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Yes, get all.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Of the effects, the lingering effects of all that negativity
out of your life, out of your mind, and reframe
and go on a different path. Because guess what you
get to now you get to do whatever you want.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Yes, absolutely, you know, in vacations again, I push my
people to do year round vacations January to December, because
not everybody can take off work in June and July
with their jobs, and it's very pricey to travel just
during those months. But again, this is a moral compass
question between you and your ex during mediation. Do you
believe that school's more important than in family time? You know,
(25:24):
if you pick three weeks of vacation, your ex gets
three weeks of vacation, that six weeks if the kids
could miss of school, could you put parameters that only
two weeks could be during the school year and the
rest of it has to be during the summertime. Again,
that level of detail, you know, some people may listening
be going, oh my gosh, she's a control freak. Push
come to shove. You are looking at it from just
your perspective. You're assuming that the other side is going
(25:47):
to have the exact same perspective. And I can tell
you I wouldn't be popular if that statement was true. Though.
You have to write down what you want it to mean,
not what you think it should mean. But what does
that mean? I write mine at the level that a
third grader can understand it. It's not written in legal jargon.
It's very simplistic. Parent will do this, Mom will do this,
(26:07):
Dad will do this. Parent one, parent two. However it is,
it's got to be easy to follow, not these big, huge,
long paragraphs where you have to have a flow chart
next to you with notes. None of that.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
No, but it's got time for that note.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
No, I have to call my lawyer. What does that
paragraph mean?
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (26:21):
No way.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Well, this has been such a fascinating conversation, Samantha. I
just think you're doing God's work basically, you know, coming
in and helping people in this such a vulnerable time.
And it's really amazing that you're offering this to people.
And I actually, if I was in a different situation,
different time in my life, I would join your club,
(26:44):
your next chapter club.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Thank you, thank you. It's been awesome being on and
I hope the listeners just know that don't be ashamed,
don't be embarrassed. It's part of it. It's where you're at.
You might as well get as much information as you
possibly can and know that you've done every thing possible
to make the best choice. I have a lot of
people that find me too late, like we said at
the beginning, where they're like where were you? Or I
didn't believe you, or man, you were right, Like don't
(27:08):
let that be you.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
Maybe I could put you on a retainer just like,
you know, just in case.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
Yes, absolutely, but I don't want it to have them.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
But oh my gosh, you're great. I think you're just great.
So keep it up, keep going, You're doing great.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Are you going through a high conflict of oors and
need some guidance feeling like maybe you don't know what
to do? Email us or call us. We are here
to help. All of the info is in the show notes.
Follow us on socials. Make sure to rate and review
the podcast. I Do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast where
(27:45):
falling in love is the main objective.
Hi guys, It's Jenny Garth and we are back for
part two of my conversation with Samantha Boss. Who is
the boss when it comes to divorce coaching. I love
this whole business model that you've It feels like you've
created this space, this white space that everybody in this
situation needs. And also it feels like you are on
(00:37):
you help the person feel like we're a team. I'm
your biggest fan, I'm your cheerleader, and I'm also your quarterback.
Let's do this. Here's what we're going to do.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
And everybody's case is different. And I think that's why
I get so frustrated with certain lawyers is they want
to use the same template on everybody. And nowadays, we
have kids with severe medical issues. We got military, we
got shift workers, we got people that want to homeschool,
we got you know, holistic and not wanting to do
doctors a point. We got all kinds of people out there.
(01:06):
Why are our parenting plans not custom to our family?
Why are we using a template from the state of Indiana,
you know, the state of California. We're going to use
the same template that the last six families got dished out.
But all six families have different dynamics. That is the
part that really blows my mind. And I hope someday, someday,
soon I can get in front of judges and lawyers
(01:26):
and say these have to be custom these cannot be
just boilerplate stamp it. Oh, yep, use the guidelines from
the state. No, it can't, because kids are the ones
that fall through the cracks when that happens.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Yep, because this.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Is really all about the kids. I mean, this isn't
about I know I've been stating, you know, me having
to work with my ex, me having to work with
When I have to work with my ex, my kids
get a different version of me that they don't want.
My kids want the peaceful mom, the happy mom, the
one that's not triggered, the one that doesn't feel threatened,
the one that doesn't feel bothered. That's what my kids want.
But if I have to continue to worry work with
(02:00):
him and he does his high conflict bullshit on me,
I'm going to always comply because I don't know boundaries yet,
and then my kids are getting a bad version of me.
So the kids are the ones that pay the price
if your parenting plan is not good.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
They absolutely do. I think it's really cool that your
kids know the ins and outs of what you're talking
about and they have also their own experience of it. Unfortunately,
but it sounds like they, you know, it would be
very cool if they were on their way to helping
other young people.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
I know they will. They're going to deny it right now,
but when they come and do trainings with me, as
soon as they get off, they're like, Okay, I was like,
how's that feel. They're like, first off, that was exhausting,
but they're like, that feels so good to share because
I know my story even though they don't paint me
as a rainbow unicorn mom. You know, they're like, that
story is going to help other moms not make the
(02:49):
mistake you made. And I'm like, hell yeah, because I
was a dysregulated mom those first eight years. I'll be honest.
I was a screamer. I was a yeller. I was
a goal play with your brother, you know, like because
I had to focus on pause yeah, yeah, you know,
and I wasn't attentive to them. I was so distracted
with bullshit that I was a shit mom and I
was just angry all the time or I'd go on
(03:10):
a cleaning rampage, and they were just like walking on
eggshells in my house. Now all of us have had
a shit ton of therapy together and separately, so we're
all better. And I offered for them. I'm like, hey,
is it okay if I share your stories? Absolutely? I mean,
because they're healed through their therapy. Of like, yeah, that's
our past. But if our past can help other people
share it, let's do it. They love doing trainings. They
(03:30):
love it.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
I would too. It's just helping somebody on second when
they need it so badly. Okay. So I think that
one of the things that I realized in my situation
through my divorce that became a really big problem was
that me and my ex we talked way too much
over text messages, which is not good in terms of,
(03:53):
you know, you can't tell someone's tone or if what
you're saying is being heard and effective in the right
way you and you can read so much into text messaging,
and we just didn't want to talk to each other,
so we fell into firing off texts whether they were
good or bad, and you know, and being short with
(04:13):
each other and then putting the phone down and walking away,
which was so infuriating when you know, you're like, I
really need to work this out with you right now.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Right right, Well, a couple of things. Number one, good
parenting plan. You won't have to talk as much, you know,
if you cover all the detail and you won't have
to be communicating as much. Number two, I mean, I
don't know how old you are, but I was before
the whole apps were out, you know, texting was like
T nine. Ing had just came out when I was
getting a divorce. That's how old I am. So like
people were like, why didn't you use an app? I'm like,
(04:41):
they weren't invented yet. Okay, people were actually still calling
people on the phone and having to talk. So I think,
first and foremost an app to you know, so you
have your really good parenting plan to limit plan out
as much as you can in there. But then if
something does fall through a sickness, a transportation issue something
like that, or hey I need to switch a holiday,
or hey I have to work or whatever, that's when
we got to go through the app. And or I
(05:02):
recommend my clients to always develop an email that's just
for divorce and co parenting and school stuff, something that's
not your work email, that's not your personal email that's
designed for I know, I'm only checking this when I'm
ready to think about divorce and co parenting, and so
you don't get a hold of me right now on
my work computer and ding get to blow up my day,
Ding interrupt my mood. You know, it's an email that's
(05:24):
completely separate that maybe you only have on your iPad.
That's a good idea, or check somewhere else. But even still,
we talk a lot about I run a private membership
for moms only call the Next Chapter, and I do
it with my bestie Lea Marie, and I always say
she's the pretty calm one and I'm the high maintenance,
like off the wall, in your face, you know, person
in our group. But we run a membership group where
we give trainings on specific stuff like this, where we
(05:47):
break down and say, okay, if you're a thumb warrior,
we got to train you through like why are you
so emotionally dysregulated? Why do you feel the urge to
defend yourself against someone that's never going to agree with you?
Speaker 1 (05:57):
You know?
Speaker 2 (05:57):
And we break that down as to why, why why,
and we teach them gray Rock and we teach him
how to use chat GBT, but the apps are where
it's at, you know. That way, everything that does get
said could possibly be read by a third party professional
and then evaluate who is the problem. But yeah, the
whole urge to go back. A lot of that is
just a self worth issue. You feel like you have
to defend against someone that's never going to change their
(06:19):
judgment on you whatsoever.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Or you're not right with them and you want to
be heard, but you're not going to be heard that way.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
Yeah. Never. They're never going to receive what you're delivering,
not the way you meant to deliver it. They will
always receive it differently. Like I tell the story all
the time of my ex husband. I sent him, you know,
a message on email back in the day and I said, hey, Walker,
our oldest lost his tooth and I sent a picture
and he said, you know, why are you sending me this?
(06:46):
I knew his tooth was loose, and I said, I know,
I was just sharing with you. He goes, the tooth
has been loose for a week. How did you not
know that? Oh, you're right, Like, because I didn't tell
him the tooth was loose. A couple of weeks ago
when I didn't. It's just something so that I thought
would be joyful, I thought triggering me. I thought it
would be just the thing to like get us on this, like, oh,
thanks for letting me see you the picture. It was
(07:06):
as soon as I told him, I got braided of
how you know, I didn't take care of the tooth.
That's probably why it was lost, because I don't brush
his teeth. It was just everything I ever did got
turned twist and hooked upside down to how I was
the bad person and I was a slow learner. Eight years.
I did that shit until my kids looked me dead
in the face of the kitchen table one day and
they said, would you just stop? He hates you. Would
(07:27):
you just stop? You're embarrassing yourself. And that's when I
went to therapy and I was like, this is what
my kid just said. She's like, oh gosh, oh gosh,
we have some work to do. We have Yeah, if
your kids told you this after this many years, it's
been bad for a while and you've had blinders.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
On m Yeah, because they don't want to tell mom
she's not doing well. Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
And I was not doing well.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
And they don't want to see mom doing not doing well.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
No, and they were just sick of me getting my
feelings hurt. But it was like I was stepping into
the pile of shit every time on my own, you know,
I got out of the car, I walked up to
him at sporting events, I was engaging with him like
because I thought, I want everybody see that I'm not
the problem. I want my kids to see I'm not
the problem. Like, look at me being nice. I look
like fucking Mary Poppins. Everywhere I went like joy, Joy, Joy,
and then he's just blah blah blah. And it was
(08:10):
just it was humiliating what I put myself through because
I didn't know what boundaries. I didn't know I could
say no. I didn't know I could stay in the car.
I didn't know. I didn't have to talk to him
like I felt obligated too, because I had a court
system saying be the better parent, be flexible, be a
good girl. Let the judge like you don't be a problem.
So I didn't know what that meant to me. It
met kisses ass and it wasn't hey teach boundaries because
(08:32):
what ended up happening by me not having boundaries is
both my children became people pleasers, and then they lost
themselves for a while, and then I found boundaries, and
then man, they jumped on the bandwagon right after me.
And now they're both bad asses and very independent and
do whatever the hell they want, whoever they want, when
they want. But that took a lot of work for
us all to get there.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Oh my god, I feel like I'm listening to my
life played back for me in so many of these situations,
so I can really see how being I mean, at first,
I was like a membership. I don't want to be
a member of the divorce People's Club, Like that doesn't
sound fun. But now hearing you explain it, you call
it the next chapter.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
We call it the next chapter. It's a monthly membership.
We give a new training every Monday. There's one hundred
hours worth of trainings already in there, and then we
run two q and as a month, so you can
post a question, jump on, or just watch the recording.
So it's all women right now that are all dealing
with high conflict divorces or high conflict co parting journey,
so that they're in that middle phase, right they were
just married, and we are that middle ground of like,
(09:43):
let me build you back up, sister, let me give
you all the tools. We have stuff in there about finances,
about fitness, about money, about parenting as a single parent,
discipline as a single parent, how to do it when
your kids don't want to go all kinds of stuff,
of like stuff they're too ashamed to ask people. You know,
you're too embarrassed, or you're just like, I don't anybody
know how toxic this shit is. Hang out with strangers, don't.
(10:05):
They don't know, they don't know. And we are building
such a great safe community for people to be vulnerable
and open up. We gave a training yesterday about boundaries
and I just spoke some truth about I sucked at boundaries,
and I couldn't believe how many women were like, I'm ashamed,
but I do this too, I do this too. I'm
too scared. I'm too And it's just like, I think
that was a game changer for every woman on there
(10:26):
to hear that here's this woman on you know, their
their social media all the time that they look up
to that I didn't have it all together at all
for eight years. So I just want I don't want
women to lose eight years. I want them to lose
eight weeks and they figured it all out and they're good,
not eight years like I did. I lost eight years
with my kids because I was just attracted with bullshit.
That sucks, it does.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
I'm so sorry for you. I'm so sorry for me.
I haven't calculated the amount of years that I lost,
but it's probably about eight ears, honest to God, of
me being in my own torture device.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Because nobody was talking about it back then. You know,
nobody was talking and there wasn't TikTok and all these
social media, and it was embarrassing.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
I didn't want to talk about it because I felt
like I was a failure. I had done this. It
was my fault somehow.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Yeah, there's just.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
So many emotions that take over your mind and situations like.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
That exactly, and so I think that's why I love
doing it. You know, like some people may be embarrassed,
They're like, I can't believe you just told that story.
I used to smoke and drink in my garage once
my kids went to bed.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Okay, I love you so much.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
That's how I put it.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
Was in your garage were you sitting in a lawn
chair at all.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
No, I was sitting on the steps to the door,
and I hid the cigarettes and the tennis shoes right
next to the door. Like I didn't make it hard.
I didn't make it hard. But I quit smoking when
my son caught me at a golf outing one time.
I took a drag off someone's cigarette and he was like,
that's disgusting. And I was like, okay, girl, it's about time.
Do you get your shit together? And that was right
(11:56):
when my awakening started to happen, of like, do you
even love yourself? You know, like you're so worried about
this man being nice to you that hates your gutsy?
You love yourself? Right now? Are you proud of yourself?
And it was it was a deep dive and you
own it and that's just.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
What it takes. That's what it takes. I had a
I thought I was going to go to this therapist
and we were going to save our marriage. But I
didn't know we were going to this therapist and he
had planned to end our marriage at that session. And
I remember one thing from that therapy session, and it
was the therapist looking meat straight in my eyes. And saying, Jenny,
(12:31):
why do you want to love a man who doesn't
love you? Ouch? Okay, I gotta go now, like it
just like hit so hard.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Well, that goes with divorce and coparenting. So my kids
were basically telling me, and this is what my therapist
later said, why are you treating him with kind words
when he disrespects you? What are your kids going to
do when they're future boyfriend or employer or peer treats
them like shit? Are you? You're gonna want your kids
to fuck you, you know, and stand up for themselves.
But what are they mirroring right now? They're watching you
(13:00):
still go back to a man that keeps treating in
front of them. He was not shy. He would do
this in front of them and talk about me behind
my back to them, and then they're watching you still
be Mary Poppins all the time, like no way, You're
gonna have to show them what boundaries and getting rid
of people.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
And knowing you're worth like yes, finding out like I
actually my time, my words, this is all I'm worth
something more than yes.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Yeah, yeah, I just got that tattoo worth on my
arm because I absolutely did. Because that word I think
is What saved me is I'm worthy of being special
like this. I'm not defined by him saying you're a
piece of shit, Mom, You're this, You're that. I have
worth And that's why I'm good at my job is
(13:45):
because I can. I do have value. I am an
expert in.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
I recognize that in yourself. Yeah, and it's amazing.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
I have two more kids with my husband who are
only six and five because I'm crazy and had kids
at forty Oh yeah, yeah, whoe is right? And the
way I parent these two hindsight, Like. I have emotional
stories like out the wazoo of looking back on how
much I was not emotionally regulated for the first two
and how I am now. And even when my bigs
(14:11):
come home, they're like, these two have it fucking easy, man, Like,
they don't see you crazy. They don't see you bouncing
off the walls, yell and scream and crying, you know,
throwing a fit, raging, you know whatever. And I'm not.
I'm at peace now because I know my self worth
and back then I didn't. And again, thank god we
had therapy and I've worked through things with the big kids.
But they recognize it and they're proud of me. You
(14:32):
know that I put the work in so that their
brothers have different lives than what they have had. But yeah,
there was a lot of things that happened for my kids.
And I know there's women out there and dads who
are emotionally disregulated, and you got to figure it out.
You have value, you have worth, and you should love
yourself and you got to work on all that shit
before you can ever be able to deliver it to
your kids, ever be able to find somebody new and again,
(14:54):
my business partner, Leah, she jumped from one marriage to
the next because she didn't have worth, you know, and
then then she worked on it and then she found
the man of her dreams.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
It takes work, yes, and nobody wants to do that work,
spending time with yourself, listening to yourself, like loving yourself
up when.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
It's not easy, exactly exactly.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
So, so I have goosebumps for you because I'm so
happy that you've found your worth and you have, you know,
this feeling of assuredness behind you now, like that you
just unstoppable. But that's what happens to us women, you know,
we sometimes it might take some other some people longer
than others to learn these important things, but we all
(15:36):
eventually learned them.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Absolutely. I mean, I'm glad I learned them. I'm sorry
it took eight years, but I have eight years worth
of great moments to be able to teach other women about.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
That's right. What about co hosting birthday parties for your
kids when you're going through a high conflict divorce. Should
you avoid that? Should you be hosting them together separately?
What has what do you think?
Speaker 2 (16:08):
I'm a rip the band aid off. We're doing everything
separate from here on out. And here's why. And this
is where people and divorce have blinders on, because they're
doing what they think the children want and what they
think that will appear as in unity. Kids act different
with each parent. I don't care even if you're married
your kids. When one of you is home and the
other one comes home, your kids flip a little bit
and act a little bit different. Nothing could be more
(16:30):
true in a divorce setting, especially one of high conflict.
You know, my Joe was one example. She was a bubbly,
you know, singing, dancing, spinning down the hallway type of
kid when she was with me. She was very reserved
with her dad, so if we would have had a
birthday party together, she would have had to pick which
personality she wanted to be, and hands down, kids always
picked the high conflict personality parent to cater to because
(16:51):
they fear loss of love or that parent being like
why are you acting that way? You know, judgment. So
having them together, it's not always what your kids want.
I know, maybe you have a six year old or
a seven year old and divorce is fresh and they're like, yes,
I want you both there, blah blah blah. That's great,
But ultimately I also have to ask what's my self worth?
Do I put myself in a binding position for an
(17:12):
hour and a half just to please my child, So
then I'm frozen in fear for an hour and a
half that he's going to come in my ear or
say something to me, or embarrass me, or you know,
talk to the whole room about I'm not putting myself
in that position. I have higher value of myself, so
I'm not going to even put myself there. So I'm
ten out of ten do not recommend no separate. I
can have a great party. And here's what you'll realize
(17:34):
in going through divorce. One of you will be the
friend party person, and one of you will be the
family party person. One of you will be the scavenger
hunt person, that's who I am. One of you will
be the you know, slip away for a holiday, you know,
a birthday. You will find your own dynamic. You don't
have to have a party. This is where you need
to start knowing your kid and making it special and unique.
Don't do what the Joneses do across the street. Do
something cool when you're in a divorce, just to eliminate
(17:56):
that whole thing. You know again, second set of kids,
I don't do big birthday parties, never doing that shit again.
We will do something special, we are not. I'm not
hosting thirteen so.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
I'm gonna stay up until two am making a pinata
from scratch.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Never ever, because I'm gonna be my sixties by the
time that shit happens. So it's never ever, you know, like,
I'm just not doing that. And again, I think that's
where what's important to me. I'm not. You shouldn't be
doing things just because other people are. Well, you know,
Kevin's parents are married and they're having a group where
both they're apparently, then.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
You feel like you feel bad because you're not able
to have such a peaceful situation. There were times when
I opened up my home to my ex and his
new girlfriend, and I'll never forget that, you know. I
had tried to be so strong and.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
Stoic, and then you're exhausted afterwards.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
It was my yeah. And I remember sitting there and
watching a video compilation that he had put together for
the for our daughter for her birthday, and everybody crowded
around in the family room and watched this fun video
and laughing and having the best time watching it. And
there were no images of their mother in the video.
(19:05):
Not only that, but the new girl that was being
basically told to have a life with was the star
of the movie, like it was. She was like the queen.
And I was like, is this really happening?
Speaker 2 (19:17):
He did that and slept well at night. And that's
where people need to wake up, Like, I'm not setting
myself up for that anymore, because.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
They're not thinking, what how is she feeling about it?
Speaker 2 (19:26):
They don't care, they don't care. They're in it's just
not who they are.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
They're onto something else.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
We went out of our way to make sure we
had his favorite drink, you know, Hey, what does she enjoy?
Is she a white wine? Red wine? Girl? Like, let
me make sure you made sure shit they were comfortable
in your home. But then they did not reciprocate. And
that's where when that happens once or twice, that's a
pattern behavior. Put that on your bingo card and start
learning it, because then it's on you if you keep doing.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
It, because you're allowing it to happen. Absolutely, and nobody's
gonna be mad at you or think you're a bad
person if you don't go to your kid's birthday party.
Protecting yourself and that's way more important and your kids. Honestly,
I feel like my kids were always on pins and
needles whenever we were together, although they wanted that desperately,
(20:11):
and they would say, can we just all have dinner?
Can we all be together? Because they want that old
family unit back together, But the reality of it, it
didn't feel good when it was happening. And it wasn't
until I found that piece that you talk about finding
after eight years that my kids were like, I feel like,
now we can be together in the same room and
(20:33):
we can have those family experiences again, and there's just
there's nothing there for me no emotional pull or desire
to prove anything or.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Yeah it's easy. I think eight years was toxic. I
went through a phase where I rebuilt and we rode
in the car together to a tournament and my daughter
rode home with us, and she was like, it was silent.
Like the first two minutes, She's like, this is so
fucking weird. Like, yeah, she was in high school, but
she was like this, this is so bizarre that you're
both She was one when we got divorced. She's like,
(21:04):
I've never been in the car with the both of
you that I can remember now. It was a short
phase where we got along. That that phase was a
very small window in her life where we were, you know,
kumbayaing it. But that car ride was memorable. It's funny
now to look back on that. It was all just
a facade, probably by both of us, but we did it.
But yeah, it's okay to not ever have those moments again.
(21:24):
And now looking back on it, she would she's trained,
and so does my son Walker. They will say, no,
don't do shit together because we are different people in
front of each parent, and then we don't know who
to be and then we have our friends around going
why are you acting that way? You know? And it's
because there's one parent there that they don't feel comfortable
being their true selves with. So no, I think your
kids will adjust when you adjust, But if you're not
(21:45):
adjusted to it, then you're gonna And here's the other tip.
Stop asking your kids what the hell they want.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
They're kids, they don't know.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Why are you seeking validation from a seven year.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Old because you want so badly to make them happy,
you'll basically do anything.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
No, it's I don't think it's happened.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Is it the guilt of the divorce.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
I think it's you want to make sure they're okay
with you. You want to make sure that kiddo's still
okay with you. Kiddo, you know what do you want?
If you want me to go there, I'll go. No,
this is where I need to teach my kid a
boundary early on. Kiddo. I know you may want us
both there, but I didn't ask you. But if you
came and told me, I'm responding, and I'm saying, kiddo,
I know you may want us both there, but that's
not good for mom. So how about as soon as
(22:25):
it's done, I'll pick you up and then we'll go
out for ice cream afterwards. But we're not going to
be the same place at the same time. Okay, I'm
not leaving it up for a discussion, but I think
I have a lot of parents that'll say, you know, hey,
you know, it's almost time for dad to pick up
you know, do you want to go? It's like, why
are you even asking your kid that? Like the whole
reassurance thing, we can't be seeking from children. We have
to know that we're making good decisions because we're a
(22:45):
good parent.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Yeah, we're the parents. What about spring break? Spring break
is is here, it's happening, Summer's coming. What about vacations
and how that can affect this love to bea and
the parenting plan?
Speaker 2 (22:56):
So spring break I love to do every other year,
so you could even years I get odd years. I
know a lot of people are like, let's slit it
in half. No way, man, I want to be gone
for a full week during my year, and you can
be gone during a full week on your year. I'm
not coming back on a Wednesday, because then what if
there's a delay and then now my vacation plans. I
was leaving Wednesday night, and now you've screwed me up.
So we're just doing a whole week. You know. Here's
the tricky part, though. We got to put specifics in
(23:17):
there about do we get both weekends or just one weekend?
So am I going on vacation for spring break? Leading
my weekends the first and then it goes for that
whole week and then I have to be back by Friday,
or do I get to take that second weekend? Those
kind of details really really matter for vacations. I recommend
three weeks, and some people are always going to look
at me and say, Sam, I'm middle class. I can't
do three weeks vacation. Are you kidding me? And here's
(23:39):
my perspective on that. Two weeks is pretty normal, but
that third week is for a buffer when you have
a high conflict X and you say, hey, my sister's
getting married in October. It looks like it falls on
your weekend. Can I have the kids? No?
Speaker 1 (23:53):
No?
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Okay, Then I'm booking a week my third week of
vacation over that weekend, and now he can't take away
that wedding opportunity. That third week is used as a
buffer throughout the year for any special occasions that you
may need. You can call in your vacation because they
can't deny a vacation if your paperwork is written really well.
And the other thing about picking three weeks is I
want people to start manifesting and understanding that you won't
(24:15):
always be poor. If you change your mindset, you won't
always be paycheck to paycheck, barely surviving. You will, especially
if you stop going after old toxic money. If you
start focusing on rebranding yourself, getting confidence, self worth, you're
going to attract not only new people, but new opportunities,
and so you can afford three weeks vacation. I would
(24:35):
have never thought that at the beginning either when I
was a teacher on a teacher salary. But now I
can definitely afford three weeks vacation. But my parenting plan
would have been built just on me being a teacher
and that salary. Your life's going to change if you
want it to.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Yep, you have to clear the way though, clear them
bad out.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Yes, get all.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Of the effects, the lingering effects of all that negativity
out of your life, out of your mind, and reframe
and go on a different path. Because guess what you
get to now you get to do whatever you want.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Yes, absolutely, you know, in vacations again, I push my
people to do year round vacations January to December, because
not everybody can take off work in June and July
with their jobs, and it's very pricey to travel just
during those months. But again, this is a moral compass
question between you and your ex during mediation. Do you
believe that school's more important than in family time? You know,
(25:24):
if you pick three weeks of vacation, your ex gets
three weeks of vacation, that six weeks if the kids
could miss of school, could you put parameters that only
two weeks could be during the school year and the
rest of it has to be during the summertime. Again,
that level of detail, you know, some people may listening
be going, oh my gosh, she's a control freak. Push
come to shove. You are looking at it from just
your perspective. You're assuming that the other side is going
(25:47):
to have the exact same perspective. And I can tell
you I wouldn't be popular if that statement was true. Though.
You have to write down what you want it to mean,
not what you think it should mean. But what does
that mean? I write mine at the level that a
third grader can understand it. It's not written in legal jargon.
It's very simplistic. Parent will do this, Mom will do this,
(26:07):
Dad will do this. Parent one, parent two. However it is,
it's got to be easy to follow, not these big, huge,
long paragraphs where you have to have a flow chart
next to you with notes. None of that.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
No, but it's got time for that note.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
No, I have to call my lawyer. What does that
paragraph mean?
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (26:21):
No way.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Well, this has been such a fascinating conversation, Samantha. I
just think you're doing God's work basically, you know, coming
in and helping people in this such a vulnerable time.
And it's really amazing that you're offering this to people.
And I actually, if I was in a different situation,
different time in my life, I would join your club,
(26:44):
your next chapter club.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Thank you, thank you. It's been awesome being on and
I hope the listeners just know that don't be ashamed,
don't be embarrassed. It's part of it. It's where you're at.
You might as well get as much information as you
possibly can and know that you've done every thing possible
to make the best choice. I have a lot of
people that find me too late, like we said at
the beginning, where they're like where were you? Or I
didn't believe you, or man, you were right, Like don't
(27:08):
let that be you.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
Maybe I could put you on a retainer just like,
you know, just in case.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
Yes, absolutely, but I don't want it to have them.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
But oh my gosh, you're great. I think you're just great.
So keep it up, keep going, You're doing great.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Are you going through a high conflict of oors and
need some guidance feeling like maybe you don't know what
to do? Email us or call us. We are here
to help. All of the info is in the show notes.
Follow us on socials. Make sure to rate and review
the podcast. I Do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast where
(27:45):
falling in love is the main objective.
Host
Jana Kramer
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