July 14, 2025 • 46 mins
We get a full recap of Jana’s Fourth of July trip to Michigan, but it wasn’t all fireworks and barbecues. She opens up about a blow-up that happened with her mom, which leads to a discussion of how small comments can compound into a big fight.
Kathryn says she had a “tester of an empty nester” when her kids were all out of the house for the Fourth, and we find out what Jana and Kristen plan to do when their kids are all grown up.
Plus, when women handle most of the household work, why are they often called “high strung”??
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hi friends, Hi, hi girl, welcome back. Thank you. I
surely missed you last week.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Name.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Yes, I was in I was away. Did you end
up doing anything.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
When I want to go with No, I did nothing? Well, yes,
I kind of did. I did nothing last week and
it was absolutely depressing.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Well, I was gonna say it, I was.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
I was about to say, I.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Don't think that was a positive for you.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
No, for the first time I was well because both
of my older kids were away.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
I felt that almost.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
I literally text her, I was like, why did I
go with you?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Meanwhile, I'm like, I did absolutely nothing and just the
happiest I v about it.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
It was for the first time awful.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
But here's what I came up for you.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Well, because usually you know, the lately on fourth of July,
we do like a party for Emmy and her friends,
but they were gone. Kayden was gone, Emmy was gone,
Ramsey was there, but she was like going off and
playing with friends a lot. So I was like, you know,
the first day, I was like, this is great, I
got nothing to do. And then I was like, oh,
this is great, I got nothing to do. Oh my god,
I have literally nothing to do.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Well. I think it's different for her situation because yeah, yeah,
her kids are off doing other things. Yeah, it's like
a lonely then.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Yeah, and I've never.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Because even Ramsey doesn't like super need you at home.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
It's the first summer where she's like staying up till eleven,
sleep until nine or ten, and like going and playing
with her friends. And I'm like, this is why my
kids don't need me anymore now. When they were younger,
I mean, this kind of sounds terrible, it was so
much easier for me to, you know, have that time
and oh I need this break and whatever. But I'm like,
they're older, they're easy, Like, they don't really need me
that much now anyway when they're home besides to drive them,
(01:42):
you know. But I literally texted her and I was like,
I have nothing to do.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I want to be sure. I never I need to do.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
You look like you were living your best life here.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Oh we had a g looked like you had so
much had a great time. Dada went to the nation's
capital and hung out with Carlton from Fresh Prince and
I didn't have fomo, which is weird. I felt really good.
We just had a really we have a beautiful neighborhood
for fourth though. Yeah, I think when you realize that
it just is what it is. For example, the travel
(02:15):
back from Michigan, it was me and the three kids
because Alan flew to Portugal, and in those moments, it's
you know, when he is literally screaming and I'm trying
to just keep an alligator in a seat, It's kind
of becomes a thing like it is. I'm I am.
It's just me and there's no reason to lose my
or not enjoy it or just I just have to
(02:37):
go with what this is. And I feel like kind
of the same situation with you. It's like, all right,
I'm going to make the best of what the situation is.
And it was great. And you know, I think too,
because we are in that spot where the baby needs
to go to bed. Being at our house for Fourth
of July is just it for a minute because I
can put her to bed and the biggies and I
went outside and we watched fireworks and hung out with
(02:59):
neighbors and it was great and everybody got good sleep.
And that is that And is it always easy? No,
it's also so fleeting.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Yeah, and then you get to that and it's like,
I know, like.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
I have that moment. I think I told you guys
this a couple weeks ago, but I had that moment
where I'm like, man, we are halfway through our summers
with love. Yeah, if she is an eighteen year old
leave the house kind of gal And that just really
is something. It just hits differently.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
I mean it was like I was, what is I
have to find a hobby. Where are we moving in
a couple of years because we're not going to live here?
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Find a hobby?
Speaker 1 (03:37):
I literally do we like each other?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
You know?
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Nick can' is like if he's bored, he's like all right,
I'll go fishing, you know or whatever. Like he has that,
and I'm like.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Let's play tennis.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
I need something, yeah, Because it's like all I can
think is like I don't want to go and just
spend money. To spend money, that's stupid, you know. And
it's like, well I could go get a massage. Okay,
Well that's just more money and I'll do those every
now and then anyway. So it's like I literally sat
there and I was like, well, I can binge Netflix
only so much, you know, So but I mean it was.
It was also I think good and good to see,
(04:08):
you know. I mean Nick and I obviously got a
lot of time together, but it was also like, what
are we doing when these kids are gone?
Speaker 2 (04:13):
I wondered if that was part of that.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
It was a minor like freak out, like a little
tester of a nester. Yes, I felt like an empty nester.
And I was like, I have to get apartments where
all my kids move yet, but literally just told me that.
He's like, hey, and I was like, I'm not joking,
like we can have one central place. I'm going to
have apartments where they are and that's just it. And
(04:38):
he's like, I have no doubt that you will I
know a great realtor great news exactly, I'll go far.
But anyway, so but next year, and I told Nick,
I was like, I mean, if she invites us or not,
I think we're going to Michigan next year. There's a
hotel on the Street Hills.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
You know.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
I love it up there.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
I don't know what I was in.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
It was like we might be there though with you.
So how was your fourth of July?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
No, fourth of July was amazing. I mean I have
spent since I was six years old, we've been going
up not to Lake Manuga. It was Big Bear Lake
from like six to ten and then from about ten on.
So for the last thirty one years, I've gone up
to Lake Manuga. So I mean that has been that was,
(05:22):
It's been my childhood so to bring and it's every memory.
Even if it wasn't a great one for some reason,
it still doesn't tarnish like it is. It is my
happy place. It'll forever be my happy place. I love
it so much. It's obviously changed, you know, with my
grandpa being gone, and you know, but it's it's just
it's it truly is the best. And I love having
(05:42):
Alan and the kids up there because they're experiencing how
fun it is to be on a lake and they,
you know, they just kept saying, this is the best
week ever. And you know, we love it up here.
You know, something kind of went down the last night,
but you know it's, uh, yeah, yeah, do you feel
like sharing or pinning? I don't know because it's like
(06:04):
I know, it's if.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
I don't know it yet, so you could tell me on.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Here it becomes a clip and then it's yeah, we
could talk to productive control over that movie. You don't know.
It's one of those things where like you know, when
you've talked about your mom and then they get their
feelings hurt it, so it's but it's also my feelings too,
So it's what is it's it's the it's a difficult
(06:34):
line to balance that because I think I have valid
feelings in it, and she might she has her own
valid feelings in it as well too. Uh So. But
I did end up. I did text Kristen that night
and just was like, big blow up, like and she's like, Okay.
I was like, nope, crying in the closet. Well, because
(06:57):
I had facetimed you that morning. You were talking about
the kids doing a sleepover. Yeah, and you were like
I could just tell you felt great, You're having fun,
and then like hours later, crying in the closet, big
blow up. I was like, oh, okay, it's shifted. Yeah. Yeah,
So it's how fast it can sometimes shift. I thank you.
Even sharing a little bit is needed, not for clips,
(07:20):
but just for the reality, you know, like the reality
of people listening need to know that it isn't always
picture perfect, right, Like we always talk about everyone talks
about that Instagram that's the highlight reel, and we don't
want to air dirty laundry. That's never the goal. But
like the honesty of it is, parental relationships at our
age are tricky, and I think that's just fair to
(07:41):
say that it isn't. I know a lot of my
friends that have these emotionally available, emotionally healthy, wonderful parents,
people that even actually give them money and do things
for them or fly in when times get tough, and
that is not my situation. And so I don't want
(08:02):
to throw anyone under the bus. I mean by deductive reasoning,
we can all figure it out, because I only have
one parent of life, but figured it out, we all
carried the one anyways. I just yeah, it's and it's
not for pity and it's not. I just there's a
(08:23):
block there. Amy and I have talked a lot about it,
like a gridlock, Amy called it, which I felt like
it was really that felt really fitting where I was like,
I am not a very forgiving person. I can get
apologies out of I can piece together apology without it
being stated I am sorry. And then there's also just
(08:45):
actions speak louder than the words, and there's valuing myself
and knowing that I've worked so freaking hard and thousands
of dollars in Kopays to make a safe place for
myself inside of myself and inside of my home, and
I don't I don't feel like I owe it to
anyone to have to break that. So I think it's
fair for us to say that it is not always amazing.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Well, there's also three of us in this room, and
we all three have very tricky relationships with our mothers.
I mean, that's just the reality. So if there's three
of us and all three of us have issues, it's
a pretty high likelihood that a lot of people listening
have very tricky relationships with their parents as well. I
think it's just a very common thing, especially at this age.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
And probably their ages too, their generation, I think. But
I think that goes and that's what Amy said, like
their generation didn't do the therapy because we have the
triple workload. We just talked about this. If I didn't
have whatever is going on with my mom brain, I
could tell you who I talked about it with, but
I don't remember. But we are we are healing parents,
(09:51):
healing ourselves and making sure that it's safe and maybe
doesn't have to be healed for our kids. So that's
triple the workload. No matter what we're doing, if you're
if you're trying to be a whole person and a
healthy person in this orbit right now, it's already hard
because the weight of the world is heavy, and then
we've got these like generational things. So we're doing a
(10:15):
lot of work. And it doesn't have to be so
dark and so heavy all the time in the healing
of relationships, but sometimes it is. Yeah, yeah, I mean
should I Yeah, So I was saying on that I
can link to you up so that you could come in.
Maybe we were talking about it. Yeah, well I think
it just all goes back to again too so much
(10:36):
built up stuff. Yeah, you know, it usually does. It's
not because if what I will say, someone will be like,
oh you're that's you know, why would you get upset
about that. It's all the things kind of leading up
to this moment, right And I don't really know much
about the situation this one. Yeah, I mean I didn't.
(10:58):
I didn't say I just wisdered I would like to
know the like, but you might not even think it's
a big deal. I think because it's the the years
of that disconnect and resentment that builds to this.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Very little things can trigger those feelings though, because that's
coming from such childhood wounds.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
That is what I have learned.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I mean, it can be the smallest thing that Nick
still to this day may not understand. I'm like, you
will never understand why this triggers me and why I
get upset about it. Yeah, so I think that's important to.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yeah, and I think you know, and you know, Alan
and I had this conversation afterwards. He goes where he
and he understood, but I said, I can tell you
the moment, the age that I was, and then how
it shifted. And that's where I in my you know, adulthood,
go oh wow, when I was this age it made
(11:50):
me feel this and then you know, trying to work
through it. But long story short, you know, we were
not even going to go up for the fourth of
July because the sleeping arrangement up there is just is
not you know, there's Roman needs to kind of have
his own thing because or he wouldn't sleep. You know,
he's not even two yet, so he needs a quiet
(12:11):
because the kids would wake him up. And the last
thing I want is for him to not is to
be in the same room as the kids. So but
his so we were kind of thinking, well, maybe we'll
just rent something close by, or we just won't go
at all until he can be in the room with
the kids and we can all sleep together in one room.
But his her husband was like, oh, well, you can
(12:33):
take our room and then if you want to, just
put him in the closet because they have a kind
of like a walking closet. And I was like, actually,
that would be amazing because that, you know, I would
just keep the door cracked, and I've done that before
in airbnb. Is like yeah, white and again out close
the door, like saying, but okay, we can go both
go down together. I've put mine in a bathroom before.
There was yeah, bathrooms are so good, but they only
(12:55):
have one bathroom in the you know, the three bedroom,
so uh and even so like there's no even where
to put like a pack and play in that one.
So it's just like really like logistically like hard to
find a sleeping arrangement and you're coming in five people deep,
so that's a thing. Yeah, And so I was like,
that is so sweet that you offered like, that was
really nice of him to offer, and so we obviously
(13:18):
took them up. I'm that great, then we can definitely,
you know, come And so that week was filled with
comments about us being in the room from my mom like, well,
I didn't offer it. And so what I worked with
before going there with Amy was to not let comments
(13:39):
affect me, because I'm like, I am quick to be
affected in a family dynamic because of the resentment. So
what I said was to her is we had a
whole session about walking in and not letting things affect
me so that it doesn't take away the time from
(13:59):
my family. Because I know that I get really like
like I immediately box up. I immediately get more defensive
or just like guarded.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Guarded.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Yeah it guard It's a great word. And I can
feel like the tension in my body. So I'm like,
I don't want to feel that way. I was like,
that's one of reasons why I don't even want to
go up, you know. She's like, well, let's figure out
how to to not do that. So I came up
with a something that worked for me where it was like,
all right, my main focus is my you know, my
kids and Alan that is my main cast, and like
(14:31):
that is like where I'm gonna put the energy into.
I'm gonna let any comments kind of like ping off
of me, you know. So we came up with like
this thing and it's and it was great, like everything
was so good, but there were comments like that that
I'd be like and in my mind, I'm like, well,
of course you wouldn't have offered, because it didn't. So
then that's where like kind of the it started to
seep in a little bit, and then by like the
(14:52):
end of the week, on the last day, there was
another yet again comment, and I was like, I get it.
You don't want us in here, like we didn't ask
you for this room. But I felt so at that
point out of place in like that I wasn't welcome
and that I just inconvenience them. But I'm like, I
didn't ask to take this room like you guys offered,
(15:13):
and now you've made me feel bad for being in
this room. I've inconvenienced you, and it felt crap to
feel that way. Can we just time out for a second,
because in our orbits we're dealing with this, but in
what world would we ever say to our daughters passive
comments like that. Ever, I will give Love everything I
(15:35):
have anytime she needs any of my kids. I would
never make a comment. That is where I think we
function too well inside of the unhealth sometimes because I
would never make Love feel like she's out of place. Ever,
I would never make Legend feel like him and his
wife couldn't stay ever mark my world. Yeah, in her defense,
(15:55):
like she's not used to not being I know, she's
not used to travel or being in a separate room
and moving daughter, right, I know, But I'm also just
trying to like people.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Are a little bit. I get it, it's in their
ways what they're used to. I mean, but you don't
agree with you. I wouldn't do that to my kids either.
That's the part where I get, but I can't understand.
But also I'm coming from a place of the chip
away gets to me too, right. But my problem is
is by that point I go I want to leave, correct,
because that is where I go to. I go to
reactive when I am pinged. A certain amount of times,
(16:31):
I'm like, f it, we're leaving, we're packing up, and
we're going home tonight. So I'm like that and I
want that to be known and said and spoken about
this is why we are best friends, damn it.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
And so Alan comes in the room and I'm like,
I'm ferociously packing because I will not take another ounce
of this room of hers that is offered, that was
offered to us, you know. So he's like, what is
going on? Like we're leaving right now, Like I'm I'm done,
like ice, It's seven pm on the last night, the
(17:04):
last night, okay, yeah, so Roman's about to go to
bed in an hour. I'm wanting to drive back down
to Michigan to my dad's house. Okay, y y yeah,
to then take the flight out the next day, which
was planned. Yeah, He's like, what happened? I was I'm
the comments. I was like, I feel so like that.
I'm so inconvenienced. And I'm like why did she have
to say it? Like again and again. I'm like I
get it. You didn't want us to have this room.
(17:25):
I'm like, I didn't ask for you again, it was offered.
So long story short, He's like, you know, you're being reactive.
I understand. I you know that would upset bother me
to I'm like, well, what if we just all move
into you know, the other room and then she comes in.
She's like, what's going on? And I was like, I'm
getting out of your room because I'm so sick. Oh
my god, you're so sensitive. And I was just like,
(17:48):
well maybe, but also like I would never say that
to my daughter. And she's like, oh, that's right, because
you've had so much air quote therapy. It's the air
quote therapy for me. And I was like yeah. And
that's when I just like we both just went offline.
I was like, yeah, you need some you know what
I mean, like we should probably go you know, and
(18:10):
then you know, and I was like I would never
She's like, well what would.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
She's like, I just haven't been.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
In my room and in five nights, and she's like,
you know, what would you do? Like would like? And
I was like, I would sleep on the fucking couch.
I would never make my daughter. She goes, oh, because
you're a perfect parent, and I was like wow, the
gas lighting like and I was like no, But I
was like no, I'm not a perfect parent. Mom, there's
no perfect parent. I was like, but I wouldn't. I
would literally sleep on a couch for a week from
(18:37):
my daughter and not say one word. Parents with ownership
could be the perfect parent. Yeah, and so I just
it's not about being perfect, it's about being honest and accountability. Yeah. Yeah,
Like I go up there once a year. That's my
whole parth. This is once a year a year you
(18:57):
cannot take And that's why I said. I was like,
you can't take five to six nights out of your
room to go to the next like and again again
I didn't ask, and this is how you're making me feel. Well.
I didn't mean to me. I just like, oh, I
want to get back in my room and my stuff.
And I just was like, I I will never like,
don't you worry. And she's like, oh, here come your threats.
I was like, oh, they're not threats. I just promise
(19:18):
you I will not. Like I don't even know. I'm
mad at myself that I even thought this was okay,
you know, and then I wouldn't hear something about it.
But it was just, yeah, it was a lot of
those comments about the perfect parent, and I was like, again,
I just would never do this to my daughter. And
then it, you know, it spiraled into the all the
other resentment stuff and we we just were at it.
(19:39):
So what is Ellen doing during this well, he went
to my brother and he goes, what do I do?
And my brother goes, let him go, because he goes,
She's gonna have stuff that they just gotta they gotta
get it all out. And the problem is I just
end up crying right like I'm well, turn yeah, and
then you know she's upset, and you know, I don't
(20:00):
I don't think that. I don't think these people are
bad people's And I want to make that like clear,
because I just think there is a certain level of
like avoidance or whatever in that generation that just makes
it like they're this like almost impossibility to own things
enough to apologize for them. Well, she ended up saying
(20:21):
she was sorry, and she's like, maybe we should go
to therapy together. And again, I think we're so far
past that that I just have to understand, like the
day she's my mom and I, you know, and I
have it's like what I did with my dad. Now
we have a great relationship. I don't expect certain things,
(20:42):
you know, and we I have kind of reformed my
relationship with him and we're great now again. My dad
gave us his car for the week, and he had
one car with him and his wife didn't complain. When
I got back, I was like, guys, I'm so sorry
that must have been such an inconvenience. Oh not at all.
We've we did great, you know, and didn't make me
feel bad for I asked. I was like, can I
porwer one of your yells because my dad can get
(21:03):
loner car sometimes. But he's like, oh, we'll be fine
with one, like zero issue. Yeah. I think it's like
because if we're in that position, you just want your
people with you so badly you would sacrifice whatever. Yeah.
I was like, you guys want to use my room
when you go like whatever? Fine, But again, I'm also
used to being out of a suitcase. I know that is.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
I do think there is an element to both of us.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
No.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
I mean this coming from a girl who did leave
a beach trip with my family, changed flights, everything, the
last time we ever went on a beach trip together
as a family. So this isna yakay.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
So I'm not like crazy for having that anymore.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
This was Yeah, it was bad, But I do think
there is an element of older people being very comfortable
in their in their surround you know, they don't go
you know, a lot they don't go a lot of
places they don't go a lot. I do think there's
an element of that. My question is, do you think
she really cared that much about not being in her
(22:03):
room or is she just really insensitive about her comments?
You see what I'm saying, Like, does she really care
that much or she just likes to make comments?
Speaker 2 (22:12):
I don't know, you know what I mean, She's just
kind of talking about how out of sorts she felt
and she couldn't wait to get back in her room again.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
I mean, I do think there are are also certain
personalities that like to make comments and they think that
they're funny, but they're not funny.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
I mean I have I do that sometimes. Yeah, I
think we all do.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Yeah, we all do. So that's why I was trying
to see exactly the dynamic of it, like was she
truly upset probably that she wasn't in her space.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
My guess, well, apparently she told like other people too,
like Dan offered our room to like, because my sister
in law was telling me that she was making comments to.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
People, right, Because I was gonna say, if she's just
making comments because she thinks it's funny even though it
doesn't land or she's you know, because you know those
people that can kind of do that sometimes, Okay, hey,
I get it. No, but it sounds like she just
really wanted her space back, and that is hard for
us all to imagine because we're trying. You just wouldn't
do that to our children. Having said that, I can,
(23:05):
being fifty feet like out of this completely, I can
see where that would also be hurtful to hear that
as a mother, Well, I wouldn't do that to my kid.
That would be a hard thing to hear, though true,
Though true, I could see where if my daughter later
in life was saying, well I wouldn't do what you did,
(23:26):
how that would be a very thing hard thing to hear,
and how that would kind of cause a little bit
of a you know, but that doesn't mean. That just
means you're avoiding the truth, because it is the truth,
and you have to be able to look at that
and address that well.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
And I think, and I agree with you. I totally
agree with you. I think where that hurt comes from
and why you say that is I realize and it's
not even her fault. I just will never be a
grandparent like her like And I did make a comment
that was a built up resentment of like, well, how
many how many softball games or baseball games have you
come to you? She said, well, it's not my fault.
You meet to Tennessee and I go. If my daughter
(23:59):
moves anywhere in the world, I will make sure I
will see you. Know again, they might not be able
to see I could see every gay obviously, but like
you're the only grandparent that has never come to a game. Yeah,
you know. So though that resentment starts to come up,
and then because I moved to Tennessee, Well, so I
just think with that is I I have to just
(24:19):
not say anything because at the end of the day,
we are too different. We parent different, and we will
also be different grandparents and parents. Yeah, and that's just
the reality. And to Alan and I talk Alan and
also you know, we he feels similar about that grandparent
side of things, where it's like we will be just
different grandparents for our grandkids and just how we are
(24:42):
different moms to our kids because of what we've seen.
And I think it's just going through that is I
have to now just not take that out on her,
because just as I am a different mom because of
things that I was with her, I will now be
a different grandparent because is it that?
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Yeah, and see the positive in it. I mean it
does teach us a lot of lessons and how we
you know, you see those things and how you don't
want to be And I know again that would be
hurtful to hear as a mom if I could put
myself in that place. I can already think in the
future at some perst, me and my daughter's getting in
a fight and they're like, well, I would never do
that to my suit. That will happen. But we're only
(25:23):
doing as best as we can and learning from the
things that we don't want to do to our kids.
And I mean maybe it's good for y'all probably to
get it out. I feel like though, y'all kind of
get it out and then it kind of.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Yeah, it's a samary and it's fine. It's just again
I kind of just know what the relationship it'll never
be what it was, yeah, And I'm honestly like okay
with that. Yeah, I mean what kind of is what
it is? And I don't want to go through all
this stuff because it's I don't think what it was
was healthy anyways. Usually it existed, Okay, at a certain
(25:57):
point because of an unhealth in US. So the healthier
we get, yeah, less tolerant we can be. So it's
a forever change dynamic no matter way. And it is like,
end of the day, she's my mom. I love her,
you know, and there are good times. There will still
be good times. I just have to set different expectations
than like I did with my dad to be able
to have a healthy relationship with her. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Yeah, and if you you know, if you want to
go up north, you just know that, which I will
staying somewhere else. It'll be somewhere else. Yeah, I mean,
and that sucks. I mean, yeah, I was here the
first to say that sucks. It's like it's your mother
and you're not you don't feel welcome with your children
and her home.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
No, it's not. That's not the truth.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Okay I do.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
But like it's again the sleeping arrangements. I'll have to
wait until Roman is old enough to stay in the
same room because I do feel very welcome there. It's
just this the logistics of trying to keep a sleeping
baby sleeping in the same room. Yeah, it's really tough. Yeah,
I don't feel welcome in her room there. We go, well,
that's fair yea.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Yeah, we just yeah, And the thing is to the
good news is, well, y'all are still going to have
these things because there's a lot of resentment obviously, and
things are going to come up and she's it's going
to be another thing that she's probably gonna make comments about.
But for this situation, the good news is that's only
a couple of years. Yeah, and eventually you'll be able
to all stay in the same room.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Yeah. And every time it is I've learned. I learned
things right, like sure when I had Roman and the
other times I'm like, why isn't she helping with this?
I've learned that I have to ask her that she
just won't do it again. Now how I'll be Yeah,
and that's okay because we're different. So now I know,
like when I was up there, I was like, hey,
can you watch Roman so Alan and I can go
(27:36):
for a run. So it's not like instead of her
not and then I'm like she didn't even offer yeah,
you know, so it's like that's where I and I'm like, no,
I'm not going to hold that resentment because that's not
fair for her because she needs to be asked.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Yeah, to help totally.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
And now it's fine.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, you know, I mean I have a great relationship
with my dad, but like I mean, i'd have to
lay it out to a tea, like he's helping me
when I'm gone next week. And I already know the
things that he's not capable of thinking. He will not
think through to make sure, you know, And it's like
I have to. I just kind of know who can
do what, who's good at what, what I have to
ask specifically, And I just think that we learned through
(28:12):
that and then instead of holding that resentment, that's all,
you know, that's all we can do. Really.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
But I don't worry for sharing that. Actually I want
to say that thanks, because it is tricky. It's hard
to navigate these relationships like I have. I don't want
to have a fallout because she's my mom end of
the day. Like I was, like, she's your mom, and
I'm like, of course, and I love her, of course,
I love my more just two different, very two different,
two very different people. Yeah, I also really love myself now,
(28:39):
and so that's something. Yeah, just trying to figure it
all out. But we're doing our best.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
So have y'all talk since then well this is what
we do.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Oh I already can I predict that? Chirk? Let me
just see if that track? Yeah? Now is it just
back to you've made it safely on your plane, You've
made it safely at home? We ask, but like you, no,
did you just do that? Oh?
Speaker 1 (29:01):
What did you text her?
Speaker 2 (29:03):
No? No, it was just she was like, hey girl,
can you send me the photo of the kay? Yeah,
because I'm like I just don't even like, well, it's
not worth your it's not gonna it was that, it's done,
it's over. You can't take a break, it is read
at the hardware store. You can't get out at the
hardware store. And yeah, and I'm almost mad at myself
(29:23):
for having I don't.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Want you to. I wonder did you do like that too?
Why that was not worth it?
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Literally? I was like, no part of that was worth it. Yeah,
I know, but when you're I didn't get anything squeeze
out of the lemon? Yeah, I really didn't though, I know,
but it was a last It was like the last one.
And now I'm like, I think I got it all
out to be like, okay, nothing, no lemon comes out? Yeah, yeah,
(29:50):
why why do that? Why did I just do that.
Why did I call it? You are in it for
that long? Like say keeping you're in it for a week.
It just feels that way. And we're on top of
each other all in the small house, you know. I mean, whatever,
let's take a break and let's wind about it because
I got a topic. Oh that wasn't it? Okay? Yes,
(30:17):
all right, guys, I have a topic. I love it
or whine about it. I may or may not have
been told that I was high strung, Okay, so why
do I get personally offended for you? But I really
want to talk about it because and I literally wrote
it down and it wasn't from my mom, And.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
I'm sitting here going hmm, I'm just want to.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Know who it was. Do you know it was? It
was set in like a heated oh even worse worse, right,
because I'm like, do you really think that?
Speaker 1 (30:48):
Like?
Speaker 2 (30:48):
Is that what you think? And the person is like,
I love you? Is that what you do? You really
think that? I'm super high strong about this comment? So
my question is is this a really close person? I
need to know that. Yes, But they say things when
they're angry and frustrated. Okay, well yeah, right, okay, but
(31:09):
I do want to know if it's like a wild
source out in the world. No, No, it's not like
a US weekly troll, like someone we actually know, we
care about this person, got it? Okay? So but my
question is what is high strong verse handling stuff, because
I do think there are moments where, yes, I can
(31:30):
call myself out and be like, in certain situations, I
am more, I'm more stressed than maybe Catherine would be
in the situation or Kristen would be in the situation.
But I'm also thinking about all the spinning plates I'm
trying to hold.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
That.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Yes, I do get a little stressed.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
So is it.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
I guess high strong verse handling stuff. Is there? What
is the line between the two? Because I don't want
to say I'm high strong when it's really in fact
I'm I might just be stressed and dealing with a
lot of things, and that's okay. Maybe you'd like to
not have to be high strong. So what are your thoughts? Actually?
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Funny you bring this up.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Oh you think you're high strong.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Oh I'm high strong for sure. Okay, Absolutely, I am
too wish in stressful moments. Absolutely, I also.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Just wish that I didn't and then someone will say, well,
you don't have to be. I just wish that I
didn't have to be because it and maybe this is
probably what you're feeling too, Like I probably people are
saying I'm high strong. I because if I'm not the
one doing it, then it won't get done most often.
And if I'm not the one prethinking it and proactively
(32:48):
doing it, then it won't get done. So, yes, I'm
high strong, and what I love a vacation from that.
I would love to know that I don't have to be.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
But I think her question is and I do think
that there's a line and I cross it. Don't get
me wrong, but I do think there's a line all
of us women moms are handling it. Just be real
like even today, yeah, exactly download today. Even today, I
got a little high strung thinking about leaving that. That's
why I said, funny you brought this up. This is
(33:17):
our cycle. Every time if I have to start getting
ready to leave town, I get stressed. I get high
strung every time. It doesn't matter even if I'm just
going for like one trip with you, I'll get a
little high strung before and I'll start mentioning.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
Strung or is it stressed? And is there a difference.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
It's how you I think you can get stressed, but
I think high strung is then how level the level
up and how you handle it. So, yes, I get stressed,
but then I get high strung. Yeah, and then you
just try it and I'll strong switch. I'll start with
the stress like, oh I got a pack.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Oh I got a pack.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Oh I got a pack? Drives it crazy? I get it?
How many times have I mentioned it? And in his
head he's probably like, then just go pack right? Just
so today he was like, it's gonna be okay, and
I go you're gonna have to be nice and he
was like what because I could feel it right and
you're gonna have to be nice? Yeah, And he was
like okay, okay, what And I was like, You're not
the one that has to think about everything. I was
(34:07):
like I and he's like, but I'm gonna help you.
I understand you're gonna have to help. You're gonna help,
but you aren't going to help, but you have to
organize what to delegate exactly. Have you seen the list
that started? Because who thought of the list?
Speaker 2 (34:16):
Me?
Speaker 1 (34:17):
That's stressful enough. But I will take it and then
I'll keep going. So again, yes, I think there's a level,
and it's learning how to take that stress and everything
that we have to do and not take it to
a place. Now, if you can figure out how to
do that, let me know.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Okay, So this actually goes along with something I wanted
to bring up to you too, So I'm just gonna
find it really fast because I did pin it for
us to see your thoughts, but it actually loops right
inside of this. I guess my point too while you're
looking for that is I just don't want it to
be seen as a negative thing. And then maybe that's
because I know that I am at time.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
I mean, that's I agree, and I don't want if
someone said it to me, I would be offended, but
it's because I know it's true.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
Yeah, And I's same like I know that I am
and don't you see why?
Speaker 1 (35:02):
Right?
Speaker 2 (35:02):
But in this person, it's like, well it's because you
get upset about this when I wouldn't. I'm like, well
that's great for you, Yeah, you know what I mean,
because yeah, but it stresses me out right, like like
naps stress me out. That stuff stresses me out. I'm
sorry if the baby doesn't I get I get stressed
and then I switch to the my strongness. But if
(35:24):
you're not stressed, then it doesn't happen, and then you
have a baby that's worse off.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
And what other people would say, again, I'm not care
if they're if they're because you don't have to.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
I was going to say, they're the same people that don't.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
Have to deal with them and their defense. I've seen
plenty of parents who don't care about that nap, and
if they don't get it, they do actually handle it fine,
gonna I'll give them props.
Speaker 2 (35:51):
I was never that mother, and I hate that about myself. Never.
But I can't like if love breast wasn't Love is
not a good person if she doesn't get sleep one.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
I think all kids are different too. I know all
three of mine. I knew which ones could skip a
nap and be fine and which one I still was
stressed about them getting an app either way. But I
do think that we have to just sit here on
this couch and admit that we are a little bit
higher strung in these situation than some point.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
But I just want it to be okay, that that
is okay. I think that's why I don't want it
to be looked at a bad thing. And I guess
I'm being trying to I'm purely defensive about it.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
I think, just own it.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
Well, we've had the same it just seems negative.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
It does seem negative.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
But and I don't like when I do it. Oh
well yeah, sorry, But I also know again I'm going
to be stressed out different than this other person. Yeah, yeah, no,
I I think I feel this for you because it's
been said to me in ways too. Well, you're just
overly like you know, I saw this like funny thing
that was flowing around that was like, your house is clean. Thanks.
(36:54):
I screamed to my kids for two hours to get
it this way. You know. It's like, see that's where
I'm not high strung. But yeah, but I see, but see,
we're all different. Yeah, but I am. I am about
even though we frantically clean before this podcast, You and
I it's like helping me clean. I mean, I'm like
a clean house.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Either my house is going to be a mess and
I'm not going to stress about it, or all of
a sudden I'm gonna be highrunk and screaming at everyone
to clean the house.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
For me, it's a control thing. So it's what I
can control when things feel uncontrollable. At one point in
my life, it used to be eating. Thank god, it's
not that anymore. So now I just grab the thieves
spray and really get after it. Hashtag blessed. But it's like,
I also know that if I take time off, I
get resentful sometimes because I can witness even in my
own home, my husband works really hard and then he
(37:38):
comes home and he wants to just be in his
home for a minute. I don't have those days off. Yeah,
I don't sit on the sofa ever, you know.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
But you could and if you decided.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
And that's the great point.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
I am getting well. I am to the point where
I used to get really frustrated and about Nick going fishing,
and I realized through the years it made me mad
because I was sitting at an office and I couldn't
just pick up and go fishing, or I don't have
a hobby that I like to, and then I eventually
had to go. This has nothing to do with him
(38:11):
being able to get away and go fishing. It has
everything to do with me. So if he wants to
sit on the couch or I want to sit on
the couch. We can all make those decisions.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
I can't once I still have the baby, so I can't,
so I can't be sitting. And I think that's part
of it too, you know, because she's still so little, right,
We're just not in a sitting season, right. But but
could you have help or and I can and you
sit on the couch? I think that would be hysterical.
I might make if strongness doesn't allow it. It doesn't.
Are you ready for this recent report? Because this is
(38:42):
I thought of us. According to a recent report, seventy
eight percent of moms considered themselves the default parent, with
those primary caregivers saying that they carry roughly seventy five
percent of the mental load for their family. And while
that's all too often just considered the status quo dynamic
default parent, divorce does appear to be on the ride.
No secret affairs, no double lives to blame, just growing
(39:02):
number of women realizing that the real deal breaker isn't
the big stuff, it's the quiet erosion that comes from
being the only one who knows when the library books
are due. Today's mothers often balance careers alongside parenting, creating
an impossible double burden also managing the household. Many of
the clients are recognizing mental health consequences of this imbalance,
including chronic stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, cognitive overload. Intimacy suffers
(39:27):
as they feel more like a household manager than a
romantic partner. Yeah, I have so much to say and
they are now high strung. Yeah, but and then being
told that they are.
Speaker 1 (39:37):
Yeah, that sucks. I would definitely not want to be
told that. But two things. One, is there any part
of y'all or me or the seventy eight percent that
would allow.
Speaker 2 (39:48):
I think it's ninety five percent. Yeah, yeah, I think it's.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
That would allow that to be the husband, Like, I
can't imagine trusting that all all of those things are
actually going to float up in his head and he
would make sure it was all taken care of. And
I don't mean that in a terrible like. I don't
even he's a great dad and he does a lot,
I mean a lot, yeah, same, but I cannot imagine
(40:13):
letting him be the default that where he's actually keeping
those plates spinning.
Speaker 2 (40:18):
No, it's the forward thought piece, Like it's the I
get in the car with seven bags and make sure
everyone has the snacks and like, because I'm thinking the
packing for everyone, yeah, when they pack their bag. Yeah, yeah,
I mean Nick.
Speaker 1 (40:28):
Has gotten really good at that. But also it's taken
a lot of here's the list, and here's everything that.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
We need, and you know, but even so we're checking
to be but we're.
Speaker 1 (40:37):
Still exactly So I just think a a lot of
us wouldn't even allow it to be the other way.
And b now we kind of see why households used
to be the way they were. Yeah, because moms have
always and will always be the default parent and taking
care of everything. But now like that says, now we've
(40:58):
got the careers. You know, back in the day, there
weren't really as many careers. Women didn't have careers. The
men were that, the women were this, and it's it's
causing a lot. I'm not saying people shouldn't have careers.
I'm just saying it is causing a lot because now
it's think how much is on women.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
It's a lot. Yeah, plus social media, I know, I
mean it's the weight of the world.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
Yeah, anyway, I'm sorry, the high strung in.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
Me honors the high strung in you.
Speaker 1 (41:28):
Yeah, I want everyone to tell us if they think
they're a high strung, because I bet that seventy eight percent.
Speaker 2 (41:33):
Is actually yes, it's actually ninety nine percent of wind
down listener.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
But strong, I would admit that they're all Also.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
I was I did maybe in all different in all different,
all different things, different things. Yeah, I gaslip back on
the last time that a comment was made about me
in this way, and I just said, I wish actually
you were a little more this way. So I guess
we both have some things that we wish could be different,
because if you were more this way, then I could
maybe round the edges a little bit. Yeah. I think
what is challenging in our dynamic too, is you know,
(42:03):
he's not Jolie and Jase's dad, and so there is
just more of a load that I carry.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
I love that we got to the root of who
said that's really toughly.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Saying it's Allen.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
No, I'm not saying it's Allan. I have one dead
parent and my parents. We already did that Detective Race.
But he's also so great, But I do there is
such more of a load that is. Yes, well he
also works at it. My husband and Alan have a
pace in common I would say they are slow. Is
Nick slow? No, I don't think so. But I remember,
(42:38):
like early on we would like joke about, you know,
like the Scotsman pace or like it's it's Preston's pace too.
It's just very different. And I think because they probably
have to hustle in other areas of their life, so
they're really fast and really diligent. Like he's handled sixteen
contracts by the time that I even left this morning,
and and I didn't.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
But is he slow or fast?
Speaker 2 (43:00):
Presty, he's slow and pace So we were talking about
nest and handled in different areas. He's yaster paced. So
like we're high strung, we're probably just not high strong
in other areas. Yeah, and again I think we all
just it's different for each other. But I just think again,
I just have to go passion not being a negative thing,
(43:23):
and we just feel that way. But maybe it's because
I'm going to think it just is what it is. Yeah,
We're gonna skip padlines, stay and go straight to listener advice.
Needing some advice. My sister has been married for three
(43:45):
years and has a fifteen month old son. She and
her husband are nasty to each other, they call each
other names, say rude things to one another, and blame
each other when things happen. My sister has been tough
growing up my whole life. She is quicker to anger,
never takes responsibility, and constantly blames others. At times when
she knows she was the wrong one, she never admits
it and just expects everyone to move past it because
(44:05):
she is over it and she will never apologize. Her
marriage is falling apart, and I'm struggling on how to
support her because I know to an extent what her
husband is going through. She gets super upset when my
family and I defend him, because he can say some
pretty mean things to her too. There has been so
much back and forth with her kicking him out and
then asking him to come back. In my opinion, they
need to go their separate ways and work on how
(44:26):
they get into a healthy coparent relationship. But through all this,
I feel like a bad sister, always taking her husband's side.
How can I put my past with her behind me
and just be there and genuinely support her during this time?
Speaker 1 (44:39):
I mean, I think that's tricky. I think that there's
a way to be there and support your sister and say, okay,
I can see both sides of this. I can see
where he's coming from. I can see where you're coming from,
instead of just always taking his side, because that is hurtful.
No one wants to feel like anyone that should be
in their corners all way taking the other person's side,
(45:01):
even if they can understand it. So I think if
there's a way to kind of come and kind of
be on both sides in a way and kind of
see both sides understand, but then also kind of step
out of it a little bit and let them kind
of figure it out, it would be my.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
I was going to offer, like a therapy gift. I
found this hard. Yeah, like I just sit down and
doesn't even have to be I think you need this
just as something i'd found super helpful. Would love to,
I don't know, offer to watch the baby while they
go do something, the two of them. I mean, we
all know that world. Fifteen months with your first baby, Yeah,
(45:37):
it's hard. It's hard. It's hard on them, it's hard
on both parents and the dynamic and the intimacy and
all of it. I don't know, I agree with both
of you, guys. I also think too, you have to
let them figure it out, you know. And I like
going air on the side when she does bring it
(45:57):
to you, because again, it's so you want to be
there for them, and they are the ones that are
in the marriage that they need to figure it out.
And though the nasty names all that stuff is not
right to be reminded of that, she probably won't like
all that stuff. So just say I can see both sides,
and I'm here if you need me. Just keep saying
that instead of maybe offering advice, Just I'm here if
(46:19):
you do need me.
Speaker 1 (46:20):
Yeah, yeah, and just yeah again because I'm healthy. No
one wants to, I think, put yourself in her position
for a second. She's already struggling, and no one wants
to constantly just hear the other person being defended right
or wrong, no matter who's in the right or wrong
in that moment. There's a lot of emotions and everyone's
tired and all the things. So just kind of being
(46:41):
a little understanding to that.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
Amen to that, all right, ladies, Well until next Ludi's
a good one. Bye. Ba
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hi friends, Hi, hi girl, welcome back. Thank you. I
surely missed you last week.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Name.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Yes, I was in I was away. Did you end
up doing anything.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
When I want to go with No, I did nothing? Well, yes,
I kind of did. I did nothing last week and
it was absolutely depressing.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Well, I was gonna say it, I was.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
I was about to say, I.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Don't think that was a positive for you.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
No, for the first time I was well because both
of my older kids were away.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
I felt that almost.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
I literally text her, I was like, why did I
go with you?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Meanwhile, I'm like, I did absolutely nothing and just the
happiest I v about it.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
It was for the first time awful.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
But here's what I came up for you.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Well, because usually you know, the lately on fourth of July,
we do like a party for Emmy and her friends,
but they were gone. Kayden was gone, Emmy was gone,
Ramsey was there, but she was like going off and
playing with friends a lot. So I was like, you know,
the first day, I was like, this is great, I
got nothing to do. And then I was like, oh,
this is great, I got nothing to do. Oh my god,
I have literally nothing to do.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Well. I think it's different for her situation because yeah, yeah,
her kids are off doing other things. Yeah, it's like
a lonely then.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Yeah, and I've never.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Because even Ramsey doesn't like super need you at home.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
It's the first summer where she's like staying up till eleven,
sleep until nine or ten, and like going and playing
with her friends. And I'm like, this is why my
kids don't need me anymore now. When they were younger,
I mean, this kind of sounds terrible, it was so
much easier for me to, you know, have that time
and oh I need this break and whatever. But I'm like,
they're older, they're easy, Like, they don't really need me
that much now anyway when they're home besides to drive them,
(01:42):
you know. But I literally texted her and I was like,
I have nothing to do.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I want to be sure. I never I need to do.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
You look like you were living your best life here.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Oh we had a g looked like you had so
much had a great time. Dada went to the nation's
capital and hung out with Carlton from Fresh Prince and
I didn't have fomo, which is weird. I felt really good.
We just had a really we have a beautiful neighborhood
for fourth though. Yeah, I think when you realize that
it just is what it is. For example, the travel
(02:15):
back from Michigan, it was me and the three kids
because Alan flew to Portugal, and in those moments, it's
you know, when he is literally screaming and I'm trying
to just keep an alligator in a seat, It's kind
of becomes a thing like it is. I'm I am.
It's just me and there's no reason to lose my
or not enjoy it or just I just have to
(02:37):
go with what this is. And I feel like kind
of the same situation with you. It's like, all right,
I'm going to make the best of what the situation is.
And it was great. And you know, I think too,
because we are in that spot where the baby needs
to go to bed. Being at our house for Fourth
of July is just it for a minute because I
can put her to bed and the biggies and I
went outside and we watched fireworks and hung out with
(02:59):
neighbors and it was great and everybody got good sleep.
And that is that And is it always easy? No,
it's also so fleeting.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Yeah, and then you get to that and it's like,
I know, like.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
I have that moment. I think I told you guys
this a couple weeks ago, but I had that moment
where I'm like, man, we are halfway through our summers
with love. Yeah, if she is an eighteen year old
leave the house kind of gal And that just really
is something. It just hits differently.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
I mean it was like I was, what is I
have to find a hobby. Where are we moving in
a couple of years because we're not going to live here?
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Find a hobby?
Speaker 1 (03:37):
I literally do we like each other?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
You know?
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Nick can' is like if he's bored, he's like all right,
I'll go fishing, you know or whatever. Like he has that,
and I'm like.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Let's play tennis.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
I need something, yeah, Because it's like all I can
think is like I don't want to go and just
spend money. To spend money, that's stupid, you know. And
it's like, well I could go get a massage. Okay,
Well that's just more money and I'll do those every
now and then anyway. So it's like I literally sat
there and I was like, well, I can binge Netflix
only so much, you know, So but I mean it was.
It was also I think good and good to see,
(04:08):
you know. I mean Nick and I obviously got a
lot of time together, but it was also like, what
are we doing when these kids are gone?
Speaker 2 (04:13):
I wondered if that was part of that.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
It was a minor like freak out, like a little
tester of a nester. Yes, I felt like an empty nester.
And I was like, I have to get apartments where
all my kids move yet, but literally just told me that.
He's like, hey, and I was like, I'm not joking,
like we can have one central place. I'm going to
have apartments where they are and that's just it. And
(04:38):
he's like, I have no doubt that you will I
know a great realtor great news exactly, I'll go far.
But anyway, so but next year, and I told Nick,
I was like, I mean, if she invites us or not,
I think we're going to Michigan next year. There's a
hotel on the Street Hills.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
You know.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
I love it up there.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
I don't know what I was in.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
It was like we might be there though with you.
So how was your fourth of July?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
No, fourth of July was amazing. I mean I have
spent since I was six years old, we've been going
up not to Lake Manuga. It was Big Bear Lake
from like six to ten and then from about ten on.
So for the last thirty one years, I've gone up
to Lake Manuga. So I mean that has been that was,
(05:22):
It's been my childhood so to bring and it's every memory.
Even if it wasn't a great one for some reason,
it still doesn't tarnish like it is. It is my
happy place. It'll forever be my happy place. I love
it so much. It's obviously changed, you know, with my
grandpa being gone, and you know, but it's it's just
it's it truly is the best. And I love having
(05:42):
Alan and the kids up there because they're experiencing how
fun it is to be on a lake and they,
you know, they just kept saying, this is the best
week ever. And you know, we love it up here.
You know, something kind of went down the last night,
but you know it's, uh, yeah, yeah, do you feel
like sharing or pinning? I don't know because it's like
(06:04):
I know, it's if.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
I don't know it yet, so you could tell me on.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Here it becomes a clip and then it's yeah, we
could talk to productive control over that movie. You don't know.
It's one of those things where like you know, when
you've talked about your mom and then they get their
feelings hurt it, so it's but it's also my feelings too,
So it's what is it's it's the it's a difficult
(06:34):
line to balance that because I think I have valid
feelings in it, and she might she has her own
valid feelings in it as well too. Uh So. But
I did end up. I did text Kristen that night
and just was like, big blow up, like and she's like, Okay.
I was like, nope, crying in the closet. Well, because
(06:57):
I had facetimed you that morning. You were talking about
the kids doing a sleepover. Yeah, and you were like
I could just tell you felt great, You're having fun,
and then like hours later, crying in the closet, big
blow up. I was like, oh, okay, it's shifted. Yeah. Yeah,
So it's how fast it can sometimes shift. I thank you.
Even sharing a little bit is needed, not for clips,
(07:20):
but just for the reality, you know, like the reality
of people listening need to know that it isn't always
picture perfect, right, Like we always talk about everyone talks
about that Instagram that's the highlight reel, and we don't
want to air dirty laundry. That's never the goal. But
like the honesty of it is, parental relationships at our
age are tricky, and I think that's just fair to
(07:41):
say that it isn't. I know a lot of my
friends that have these emotionally available, emotionally healthy, wonderful parents,
people that even actually give them money and do things
for them or fly in when times get tough, and
that is not my situation. And so I don't want
(08:02):
to throw anyone under the bus. I mean by deductive reasoning,
we can all figure it out, because I only have
one parent of life, but figured it out, we all
carried the one anyways. I just yeah, it's and it's
not for pity and it's not. I just there's a
(08:23):
block there. Amy and I have talked a lot about it,
like a gridlock, Amy called it, which I felt like
it was really that felt really fitting where I was like,
I am not a very forgiving person. I can get
apologies out of I can piece together apology without it
being stated I am sorry. And then there's also just
(08:45):
actions speak louder than the words, and there's valuing myself
and knowing that I've worked so freaking hard and thousands
of dollars in Kopays to make a safe place for
myself inside of myself and inside of my home, and
I don't I don't feel like I owe it to
anyone to have to break that. So I think it's
fair for us to say that it is not always amazing.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Well, there's also three of us in this room, and
we all three have very tricky relationships with our mothers.
I mean, that's just the reality. So if there's three
of us and all three of us have issues, it's
a pretty high likelihood that a lot of people listening
have very tricky relationships with their parents as well. I
think it's just a very common thing, especially at this age.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
And probably their ages too, their generation, I think. But
I think that goes and that's what Amy said, like
their generation didn't do the therapy because we have the
triple workload. We just talked about this. If I didn't
have whatever is going on with my mom brain, I
could tell you who I talked about it with, but
I don't remember. But we are we are healing parents,
(09:51):
healing ourselves and making sure that it's safe and maybe
doesn't have to be healed for our kids. So that's
triple the workload. No matter what we're doing, if you're
if you're trying to be a whole person and a
healthy person in this orbit right now, it's already hard
because the weight of the world is heavy, and then
we've got these like generational things. So we're doing a
(10:15):
lot of work. And it doesn't have to be so
dark and so heavy all the time in the healing
of relationships, but sometimes it is. Yeah, yeah, I mean
should I Yeah, So I was saying on that I
can link to you up so that you could come in.
Maybe we were talking about it. Yeah, well I think
it just all goes back to again too so much
(10:36):
built up stuff. Yeah, you know, it usually does. It's
not because if what I will say, someone will be like,
oh you're that's you know, why would you get upset
about that. It's all the things kind of leading up
to this moment, right And I don't really know much
about the situation this one. Yeah, I mean I didn't.
(10:58):
I didn't say I just wisdered I would like to
know the like, but you might not even think it's
a big deal. I think because it's the the years
of that disconnect and resentment that builds to this.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Very little things can trigger those feelings though, because that's
coming from such childhood wounds.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
That is what I have learned.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I mean, it can be the smallest thing that Nick
still to this day may not understand. I'm like, you
will never understand why this triggers me and why I
get upset about it. Yeah, so I think that's important to.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yeah, and I think you know, and you know, Alan
and I had this conversation afterwards. He goes where he
and he understood, but I said, I can tell you
the moment, the age that I was, and then how
it shifted. And that's where I in my you know, adulthood,
go oh wow, when I was this age it made
(11:50):
me feel this and then you know, trying to work
through it. But long story short, you know, we were
not even going to go up for the fourth of
July because the sleeping arrangement up there is just is
not you know, there's Roman needs to kind of have
his own thing because or he wouldn't sleep. You know,
he's not even two yet, so he needs a quiet
(12:11):
because the kids would wake him up. And the last
thing I want is for him to not is to
be in the same room as the kids. So but
his so we were kind of thinking, well, maybe we'll
just rent something close by, or we just won't go
at all until he can be in the room with
the kids and we can all sleep together in one room.
But his her husband was like, oh, well, you can
(12:33):
take our room and then if you want to, just
put him in the closet because they have a kind
of like a walking closet. And I was like, actually,
that would be amazing because that, you know, I would
just keep the door cracked, and I've done that before
in airbnb. Is like yeah, white and again out close
the door, like saying, but okay, we can go both
go down together. I've put mine in a bathroom before.
There was yeah, bathrooms are so good, but they only
(12:55):
have one bathroom in the you know, the three bedroom,
so uh and even so like there's no even where
to put like a pack and play in that one.
So it's just like really like logistically like hard to
find a sleeping arrangement and you're coming in five people deep,
so that's a thing. Yeah, And so I was like,
that is so sweet that you offered like, that was
really nice of him to offer, and so we obviously
(13:18):
took them up. I'm that great, then we can definitely,
you know, come And so that week was filled with
comments about us being in the room from my mom like, well,
I didn't offer it. And so what I worked with
before going there with Amy was to not let comments
(13:39):
affect me, because I'm like, I am quick to be
affected in a family dynamic because of the resentment. So
what I said was to her is we had a
whole session about walking in and not letting things affect
me so that it doesn't take away the time from
(13:59):
my family. Because I know that I get really like
like I immediately box up. I immediately get more defensive
or just like guarded.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Guarded.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Yeah it guard It's a great word. And I can
feel like the tension in my body. So I'm like,
I don't want to feel that way. I was like,
that's one of reasons why I don't even want to
go up, you know. She's like, well, let's figure out
how to to not do that. So I came up
with a something that worked for me where it was like,
all right, my main focus is my you know, my
kids and Alan that is my main cast, and like
(14:31):
that is like where I'm gonna put the energy into.
I'm gonna let any comments kind of like ping off
of me, you know. So we came up with like
this thing and it's and it was great, like everything
was so good, but there were comments like that that
I'd be like and in my mind, I'm like, well,
of course you wouldn't have offered, because it didn't. So
then that's where like kind of the it started to
seep in a little bit, and then by like the
(14:52):
end of the week, on the last day, there was
another yet again comment, and I was like, I get it.
You don't want us in here, like we didn't ask
you for this room. But I felt so at that
point out of place in like that I wasn't welcome
and that I just inconvenience them. But I'm like, I
didn't ask to take this room like you guys offered,
(15:13):
and now you've made me feel bad for being in
this room. I've inconvenienced you, and it felt crap to
feel that way. Can we just time out for a second,
because in our orbits we're dealing with this, but in
what world would we ever say to our daughters passive
comments like that. Ever, I will give Love everything I
(15:35):
have anytime she needs any of my kids. I would
never make a comment. That is where I think we
function too well inside of the unhealth sometimes because I
would never make Love feel like she's out of place. Ever,
I would never make Legend feel like him and his
wife couldn't stay ever mark my world. Yeah, in her defense,
(15:55):
like she's not used to not being I know, she's
not used to travel or being in a separate room
and moving daughter, right, I know, But I'm also just
trying to like people.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Are a little bit. I get it, it's in their
ways what they're used to. I mean, but you don't
agree with you. I wouldn't do that to my kids either.
That's the part where I get, but I can't understand.
But also I'm coming from a place of the chip
away gets to me too, right. But my problem is
is by that point I go I want to leave, correct,
because that is where I go to. I go to
reactive when I am pinged. A certain amount of times,
(16:31):
I'm like, f it, we're leaving, we're packing up, and
we're going home tonight. So I'm like that and I
want that to be known and said and spoken about
this is why we are best friends, damn it.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
And so Alan comes in the room and I'm like,
I'm ferociously packing because I will not take another ounce
of this room of hers that is offered, that was
offered to us, you know. So he's like, what is
going on? Like we're leaving right now, Like I'm I'm done,
like ice, It's seven pm on the last night, the
(17:04):
last night, okay, yeah, so Roman's about to go to
bed in an hour. I'm wanting to drive back down
to Michigan to my dad's house. Okay, y y yeah,
to then take the flight out the next day, which
was planned. Yeah, He's like, what happened? I was I'm
the comments. I was like, I feel so like that.
I'm so inconvenienced. And I'm like why did she have
to say it? Like again and again. I'm like I
get it. You didn't want us to have this room.
(17:25):
I'm like, I didn't ask for you again, it was offered.
So long story short, He's like, you know, you're being reactive.
I understand. I you know that would upset bother me
to I'm like, well, what if we just all move
into you know, the other room and then she comes in.
She's like, what's going on? And I was like, I'm
getting out of your room because I'm so sick. Oh
my god, you're so sensitive. And I was just like,
(17:48):
well maybe, but also like I would never say that
to my daughter. And she's like, oh, that's right, because
you've had so much air quote therapy. It's the air
quote therapy for me. And I was like yeah. And
that's when I just like we both just went offline.
I was like, yeah, you need some you know what
I mean, like we should probably go you know, and
(18:10):
then you know, and I was like I would never
She's like, well what would.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
She's like, I just haven't been.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
In my room and in five nights, and she's like,
you know, what would you do? Like would like? And
I was like, I would sleep on the fucking couch.
I would never make my daughter. She goes, oh, because
you're a perfect parent, and I was like wow, the
gas lighting like and I was like no, But I
was like no, I'm not a perfect parent. Mom, there's
no perfect parent. I was like, but I wouldn't. I
would literally sleep on a couch for a week from
(18:37):
my daughter and not say one word. Parents with ownership
could be the perfect parent. Yeah, and so I just
it's not about being perfect, it's about being honest and accountability. Yeah. Yeah,
Like I go up there once a year. That's my
whole parth. This is once a year a year you
(18:57):
cannot take And that's why I said. I was like,
you can't take five to six nights out of your
room to go to the next like and again again
I didn't ask, and this is how you're making me feel. Well.
I didn't mean to me. I just like, oh, I
want to get back in my room and my stuff.
And I just was like, I I will never like,
don't you worry. And she's like, oh, here come your threats.
I was like, oh, they're not threats. I just promise
(19:18):
you I will not. Like I don't even know. I'm
mad at myself that I even thought this was okay,
you know, and then I wouldn't hear something about it.
But it was just, yeah, it was a lot of
those comments about the perfect parent, and I was like, again,
I just would never do this to my daughter. And
then it, you know, it spiraled into the all the
other resentment stuff and we we just were at it.
(19:39):
So what is Ellen doing during this well, he went
to my brother and he goes, what do I do?
And my brother goes, let him go, because he goes,
She's gonna have stuff that they just gotta they gotta
get it all out. And the problem is I just
end up crying right like I'm well, turn yeah, and
then you know she's upset, and you know, I don't
(20:00):
I don't think that. I don't think these people are
bad people's And I want to make that like clear,
because I just think there is a certain level of
like avoidance or whatever in that generation that just makes
it like they're this like almost impossibility to own things
enough to apologize for them. Well, she ended up saying
(20:21):
she was sorry, and she's like, maybe we should go
to therapy together. And again, I think we're so far
past that that I just have to understand, like the
day she's my mom and I, you know, and I
have it's like what I did with my dad. Now
we have a great relationship. I don't expect certain things,
(20:42):
you know, and we I have kind of reformed my
relationship with him and we're great now again. My dad
gave us his car for the week, and he had
one car with him and his wife didn't complain. When
I got back, I was like, guys, I'm so sorry
that must have been such an inconvenience. Oh not at all.
We've we did great, you know, and didn't make me
feel bad for I asked. I was like, can I
porwer one of your yells because my dad can get
(21:03):
loner car sometimes. But he's like, oh, we'll be fine
with one, like zero issue. Yeah. I think it's like
because if we're in that position, you just want your
people with you so badly you would sacrifice whatever. Yeah.
I was like, you guys want to use my room
when you go like whatever? Fine, But again, I'm also
used to being out of a suitcase. I know that is.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
I do think there is an element to both of us.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
No.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
I mean this coming from a girl who did leave
a beach trip with my family, changed flights, everything, the
last time we ever went on a beach trip together
as a family. So this isna yakay.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
So I'm not like crazy for having that anymore.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
This was Yeah, it was bad, But I do think
there is an element of older people being very comfortable
in their in their surround you know, they don't go
you know, a lot they don't go a lot of
places they don't go a lot. I do think there's
an element of that. My question is, do you think
she really cared that much about not being in her
(22:03):
room or is she just really insensitive about her comments?
You see what I'm saying, Like, does she really care
that much or she just likes to make comments?
Speaker 2 (22:12):
I don't know, you know what I mean, She's just
kind of talking about how out of sorts she felt
and she couldn't wait to get back in her room again.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
I mean, I do think there are are also certain
personalities that like to make comments and they think that
they're funny, but they're not funny.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
I mean I have I do that sometimes. Yeah, I
think we all do.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Yeah, we all do. So that's why I was trying
to see exactly the dynamic of it, like was she
truly upset probably that she wasn't in her space.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
My guess, well, apparently she told like other people too,
like Dan offered our room to like, because my sister
in law was telling me that she was making comments to.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
People, right, Because I was gonna say, if she's just
making comments because she thinks it's funny even though it
doesn't land or she's you know, because you know those
people that can kind of do that sometimes, Okay, hey,
I get it. No, but it sounds like she just
really wanted her space back, and that is hard for
us all to imagine because we're trying. You just wouldn't
do that to our children. Having said that, I can,
(23:05):
being fifty feet like out of this completely, I can
see where that would also be hurtful to hear that
as a mother, Well, I wouldn't do that to my kid.
That would be a hard thing to hear, though true,
Though true, I could see where if my daughter later
in life was saying, well I wouldn't do what you did,
(23:26):
how that would be a very thing hard thing to hear,
and how that would kind of cause a little bit
of a you know, but that doesn't mean. That just
means you're avoiding the truth, because it is the truth,
and you have to be able to look at that
and address that well.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
And I think, and I agree with you. I totally
agree with you. I think where that hurt comes from
and why you say that is I realize and it's
not even her fault. I just will never be a
grandparent like her like And I did make a comment
that was a built up resentment of like, well, how
many how many softball games or baseball games have you
come to you? She said, well, it's not my fault.
You meet to Tennessee and I go. If my daughter
(23:59):
moves anywhere in the world, I will make sure I
will see you. Know again, they might not be able
to see I could see every gay obviously, but like
you're the only grandparent that has never come to a game. Yeah,
you know. So though that resentment starts to come up,
and then because I moved to Tennessee, Well, so I
just think with that is I I have to just
(24:19):
not say anything because at the end of the day,
we are too different. We parent different, and we will
also be different grandparents and parents. Yeah, and that's just
the reality. And to Alan and I talk Alan and
also you know, we he feels similar about that grandparent
side of things, where it's like we will be just
different grandparents for our grandkids and just how we are
(24:42):
different moms to our kids because of what we've seen.
And I think it's just going through that is I
have to now just not take that out on her,
because just as I am a different mom because of
things that I was with her, I will now be
a different grandparent because is it that?
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Yeah, and see the positive in it. I mean it
does teach us a lot of lessons and how we
you know, you see those things and how you don't
want to be And I know again that would be
hurtful to hear as a mom if I could put
myself in that place. I can already think in the
future at some perst, me and my daughter's getting in
a fight and they're like, well, I would never do
that to my suit. That will happen. But we're only
(25:23):
doing as best as we can and learning from the
things that we don't want to do to our kids.
And I mean maybe it's good for y'all probably to
get it out. I feel like though, y'all kind of
get it out and then it kind of.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Yeah, it's a samary and it's fine. It's just again
I kind of just know what the relationship it'll never
be what it was, yeah, And I'm honestly like okay
with that. Yeah, I mean what kind of is what
it is? And I don't want to go through all
this stuff because it's I don't think what it was
was healthy anyways. Usually it existed, Okay, at a certain
(25:57):
point because of an unhealth in US. So the healthier
we get, yeah, less tolerant we can be. So it's
a forever change dynamic no matter way. And it is like,
end of the day, she's my mom. I love her,
you know, and there are good times. There will still
be good times. I just have to set different expectations
than like I did with my dad to be able
to have a healthy relationship with her. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Yeah, and if you you know, if you want to
go up north, you just know that, which I will
staying somewhere else. It'll be somewhere else. Yeah, I mean,
and that sucks. I mean, yeah, I was here the
first to say that sucks. It's like it's your mother
and you're not you don't feel welcome with your children
and her home.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
No, it's not. That's not the truth.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Okay I do.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
But like it's again the sleeping arrangements. I'll have to
wait until Roman is old enough to stay in the
same room because I do feel very welcome there. It's
just this the logistics of trying to keep a sleeping
baby sleeping in the same room. Yeah, it's really tough. Yeah,
I don't feel welcome in her room there. We go, well,
that's fair yea.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Yeah, we just yeah, And the thing is to the
good news is, well, y'all are still going to have
these things because there's a lot of resentment obviously, and
things are going to come up and she's it's going
to be another thing that she's probably gonna make comments about.
But for this situation, the good news is that's only
a couple of years. Yeah, and eventually you'll be able
to all stay in the same room.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Yeah. And every time it is I've learned. I learned
things right, like sure when I had Roman and the
other times I'm like, why isn't she helping with this?
I've learned that I have to ask her that she
just won't do it again. Now how I'll be Yeah,
and that's okay because we're different. So now I know,
like when I was up there, I was like, hey,
can you watch Roman so Alan and I can go
(27:36):
for a run. So it's not like instead of her
not and then I'm like she didn't even offer yeah,
you know, so it's like that's where I and I'm like, no,
I'm not going to hold that resentment because that's not
fair for her because she needs to be asked.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Yeah, to help totally.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
And now it's fine.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, you know, I mean I have a great relationship
with my dad, but like I mean, i'd have to
lay it out to a tea, like he's helping me
when I'm gone next week. And I already know the
things that he's not capable of thinking. He will not
think through to make sure, you know, And it's like
I have to. I just kind of know who can
do what, who's good at what, what I have to
ask specifically, And I just think that we learned through
(28:12):
that and then instead of holding that resentment, that's all,
you know, that's all we can do. Really.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
But I don't worry for sharing that. Actually I want
to say that thanks, because it is tricky. It's hard
to navigate these relationships like I have. I don't want
to have a fallout because she's my mom end of
the day. Like I was, like, she's your mom, and
I'm like, of course, and I love her, of course,
I love my more just two different, very two different,
two very different people. Yeah, I also really love myself now,
(28:39):
and so that's something. Yeah, just trying to figure it
all out. But we're doing our best.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
So have y'all talk since then well this is what
we do.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Oh I already can I predict that? Chirk? Let me
just see if that track? Yeah? Now is it just
back to you've made it safely on your plane, You've
made it safely at home? We ask, but like you, no,
did you just do that? Oh?
Speaker 1 (29:01):
What did you text her?
Speaker 2 (29:03):
No? No, it was just she was like, hey girl,
can you send me the photo of the kay? Yeah,
because I'm like I just don't even like, well, it's
not worth your it's not gonna it was that, it's done,
it's over. You can't take a break, it is read
at the hardware store. You can't get out at the
hardware store. And yeah, and I'm almost mad at myself
(29:23):
for having I don't.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Want you to. I wonder did you do like that too?
Why that was not worth it?
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Literally? I was like, no part of that was worth it. Yeah,
I know, but when you're I didn't get anything squeeze
out of the lemon? Yeah, I really didn't though, I know,
but it was a last It was like the last one.
And now I'm like, I think I got it all
out to be like, okay, nothing, no lemon comes out? Yeah, yeah,
(29:50):
why why do that? Why did I just do that.
Why did I call it? You are in it for
that long? Like say keeping you're in it for a week.
It just feels that way. And we're on top of
each other all in the small house, you know. I mean, whatever,
let's take a break and let's wind about it because
I got a topic. Oh that wasn't it? Okay? Yes,
(30:17):
all right, guys, I have a topic. I love it
or whine about it. I may or may not have
been told that I was high strung, Okay, so why
do I get personally offended for you? But I really
want to talk about it because and I literally wrote
it down and it wasn't from my mom, And.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
I'm sitting here going hmm, I'm just want to.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Know who it was. Do you know it was? It
was set in like a heated oh even worse worse, right,
because I'm like, do you really think that?
Speaker 1 (30:48):
Like?
Speaker 2 (30:48):
Is that what you think? And the person is like,
I love you? Is that what you do? You really
think that? I'm super high strong about this comment? So
my question is is this a really close person? I
need to know that. Yes, But they say things when
they're angry and frustrated. Okay, well yeah, right, okay, but
(31:09):
I do want to know if it's like a wild
source out in the world. No, No, it's not like
a US weekly troll, like someone we actually know, we
care about this person, got it? Okay? So but my
question is what is high strong verse handling stuff, because
I do think there are moments where, yes, I can
(31:30):
call myself out and be like, in certain situations, I
am more, I'm more stressed than maybe Catherine would be
in the situation or Kristen would be in the situation.
But I'm also thinking about all the spinning plates I'm
trying to hold.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
That.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Yes, I do get a little stressed.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
So is it.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
I guess high strong verse handling stuff. Is there? What
is the line between the two? Because I don't want
to say I'm high strong when it's really in fact
I'm I might just be stressed and dealing with a
lot of things, and that's okay. Maybe you'd like to
not have to be high strong. So what are your thoughts? Actually?
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Funny you bring this up.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Oh you think you're high strong.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Oh I'm high strong for sure. Okay, Absolutely, I am
too wish in stressful moments. Absolutely, I also.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Just wish that I didn't and then someone will say, well,
you don't have to be. I just wish that I
didn't have to be because it and maybe this is
probably what you're feeling too, Like I probably people are
saying I'm high strong. I because if I'm not the
one doing it, then it won't get done most often.
And if I'm not the one prethinking it and proactively
(32:48):
doing it, then it won't get done. So, yes, I'm
high strong, and what I love a vacation from that.
I would love to know that I don't have to be.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
But I think her question is and I do think
that there's a line and I cross it. Don't get
me wrong, but I do think there's a line all
of us women moms are handling it. Just be real
like even today, yeah, exactly download today. Even today, I
got a little high strung thinking about leaving that. That's
why I said, funny you brought this up. This is
(33:17):
our cycle. Every time if I have to start getting
ready to leave town, I get stressed. I get high
strung every time. It doesn't matter even if I'm just
going for like one trip with you, I'll get a
little high strung before and I'll start mentioning.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
Strung or is it stressed? And is there a difference.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
It's how you I think you can get stressed, but
I think high strung is then how level the level
up and how you handle it. So, yes, I get stressed,
but then I get high strung. Yeah, and then you
just try it and I'll strong switch. I'll start with
the stress like, oh I got a pack.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Oh I got a pack.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Oh I got a pack? Drives it crazy? I get it?
How many times have I mentioned it? And in his
head he's probably like, then just go pack right? Just
so today he was like, it's gonna be okay, and
I go you're gonna have to be nice and he
was like what because I could feel it right and
you're gonna have to be nice? Yeah, And he was
like okay, okay, what And I was like, You're not
the one that has to think about everything. I was
(34:07):
like I and he's like, but I'm gonna help you.
I understand you're gonna have to help. You're gonna help,
but you aren't going to help, but you have to
organize what to delegate exactly. Have you seen the list
that started? Because who thought of the list?
Speaker 2 (34:16):
Me?
Speaker 1 (34:17):
That's stressful enough. But I will take it and then
I'll keep going. So again, yes, I think there's a level,
and it's learning how to take that stress and everything
that we have to do and not take it to
a place. Now, if you can figure out how to
do that, let me know.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Okay, So this actually goes along with something I wanted
to bring up to you too, So I'm just gonna
find it really fast because I did pin it for
us to see your thoughts, but it actually loops right
inside of this. I guess my point too while you're
looking for that is I just don't want it to
be seen as a negative thing. And then maybe that's
because I know that I am at time.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
I mean, that's I agree, and I don't want if
someone said it to me, I would be offended, but
it's because I know it's true.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
Yeah, And I's same like I know that I am
and don't you see why?
Speaker 1 (35:02):
Right?
Speaker 2 (35:02):
But in this person, it's like, well it's because you
get upset about this when I wouldn't. I'm like, well
that's great for you, Yeah, you know what I mean,
because yeah, but it stresses me out right, like like
naps stress me out. That stuff stresses me out. I'm
sorry if the baby doesn't I get I get stressed
and then I switch to the my strongness. But if
(35:24):
you're not stressed, then it doesn't happen, and then you
have a baby that's worse off.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
And what other people would say, again, I'm not care
if they're if they're because you don't have to.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
I was going to say, they're the same people that don't.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
Have to deal with them and their defense. I've seen
plenty of parents who don't care about that nap, and
if they don't get it, they do actually handle it fine,
gonna I'll give them props.
Speaker 2 (35:51):
I was never that mother, and I hate that about myself. Never.
But I can't like if love breast wasn't Love is
not a good person if she doesn't get sleep one.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
I think all kids are different too. I know all
three of mine. I knew which ones could skip a
nap and be fine and which one I still was
stressed about them getting an app either way. But I
do think that we have to just sit here on
this couch and admit that we are a little bit
higher strung in these situation than some point.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
But I just want it to be okay, that that
is okay. I think that's why I don't want it
to be looked at a bad thing. And I guess
I'm being trying to I'm purely defensive about it.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
I think, just own it.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
Well, we've had the same it just seems negative.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
It does seem negative.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
But and I don't like when I do it. Oh
well yeah, sorry, But I also know again I'm going
to be stressed out different than this other person. Yeah, yeah, no,
I I think I feel this for you because it's
been said to me in ways too. Well, you're just
overly like you know, I saw this like funny thing
that was flowing around that was like, your house is clean. Thanks.
(36:54):
I screamed to my kids for two hours to get
it this way. You know. It's like, see that's where
I'm not high strung. But yeah, but I see, but see,
we're all different. Yeah, but I am. I am about
even though we frantically clean before this podcast, You and
I it's like helping me clean. I mean, I'm like
a clean house.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Either my house is going to be a mess and
I'm not going to stress about it, or all of
a sudden I'm gonna be highrunk and screaming at everyone
to clean the house.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
For me, it's a control thing. So it's what I
can control when things feel uncontrollable. At one point in
my life, it used to be eating. Thank god, it's
not that anymore. So now I just grab the thieves
spray and really get after it. Hashtag blessed. But it's like,
I also know that if I take time off, I
get resentful sometimes because I can witness even in my
own home, my husband works really hard and then he
(37:38):
comes home and he wants to just be in his
home for a minute. I don't have those days off. Yeah,
I don't sit on the sofa ever, you know.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
But you could and if you decided.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
And that's the great point.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
I am getting well. I am to the point where
I used to get really frustrated and about Nick going fishing,
and I realized through the years it made me mad
because I was sitting at an office and I couldn't
just pick up and go fishing, or I don't have
a hobby that I like to, and then I eventually
had to go. This has nothing to do with him
(38:11):
being able to get away and go fishing. It has
everything to do with me. So if he wants to
sit on the couch or I want to sit on
the couch. We can all make those decisions.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
I can't once I still have the baby, so I can't,
so I can't be sitting. And I think that's part
of it too, you know, because she's still so little, right,
We're just not in a sitting season, right. But but
could you have help or and I can and you
sit on the couch? I think that would be hysterical.
I might make if strongness doesn't allow it. It doesn't.
Are you ready for this recent report? Because this is
(38:42):
I thought of us. According to a recent report, seventy
eight percent of moms considered themselves the default parent, with
those primary caregivers saying that they carry roughly seventy five
percent of the mental load for their family. And while
that's all too often just considered the status quo dynamic
default parent, divorce does appear to be on the ride.
No secret affairs, no double lives to blame, just growing
(39:02):
number of women realizing that the real deal breaker isn't
the big stuff, it's the quiet erosion that comes from
being the only one who knows when the library books
are due. Today's mothers often balance careers alongside parenting, creating
an impossible double burden also managing the household. Many of
the clients are recognizing mental health consequences of this imbalance,
including chronic stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, cognitive overload. Intimacy suffers
(39:27):
as they feel more like a household manager than a
romantic partner. Yeah, I have so much to say and
they are now high strung. Yeah, but and then being
told that they are.
Speaker 1 (39:37):
Yeah, that sucks. I would definitely not want to be
told that. But two things. One, is there any part
of y'all or me or the seventy eight percent that
would allow.
Speaker 2 (39:48):
I think it's ninety five percent. Yeah, yeah, I think it's.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
That would allow that to be the husband, Like, I
can't imagine trusting that all all of those things are
actually going to float up in his head and he
would make sure it was all taken care of. And
I don't mean that in a terrible like. I don't
even he's a great dad and he does a lot,
I mean a lot, yeah, same, but I cannot imagine
(40:13):
letting him be the default that where he's actually keeping
those plates spinning.
Speaker 2 (40:18):
No, it's the forward thought piece, Like it's the I
get in the car with seven bags and make sure
everyone has the snacks and like, because I'm thinking the
packing for everyone, yeah, when they pack their bag. Yeah, yeah,
I mean Nick.
Speaker 1 (40:28):
Has gotten really good at that. But also it's taken
a lot of here's the list, and here's everything that.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
We need, and you know, but even so we're checking
to be but we're.
Speaker 1 (40:37):
Still exactly So I just think a a lot of
us wouldn't even allow it to be the other way.
And b now we kind of see why households used
to be the way they were. Yeah, because moms have
always and will always be the default parent and taking
care of everything. But now like that says, now we've
(40:58):
got the careers. You know, back in the day, there
weren't really as many careers. Women didn't have careers. The
men were that, the women were this, and it's it's
causing a lot. I'm not saying people shouldn't have careers.
I'm just saying it is causing a lot because now
it's think how much is on women.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
It's a lot. Yeah, plus social media, I know, I
mean it's the weight of the world.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
Yeah, anyway, I'm sorry, the high strung in.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
Me honors the high strung in you.
Speaker 1 (41:28):
Yeah, I want everyone to tell us if they think
they're a high strung, because I bet that seventy eight percent.
Speaker 2 (41:33):
Is actually yes, it's actually ninety nine percent of wind
down listener.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
But strong, I would admit that they're all Also.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
I was I did maybe in all different in all different,
all different things, different things. Yeah, I gaslip back on
the last time that a comment was made about me
in this way, and I just said, I wish actually
you were a little more this way. So I guess
we both have some things that we wish could be different,
because if you were more this way, then I could
maybe round the edges a little bit. Yeah. I think
what is challenging in our dynamic too, is you know,
(42:03):
he's not Jolie and Jase's dad, and so there is
just more of a load that I carry.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
I love that we got to the root of who
said that's really toughly.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Saying it's Allen.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
No, I'm not saying it's Allan. I have one dead
parent and my parents. We already did that Detective Race.
But he's also so great, But I do there is
such more of a load that is. Yes, well he
also works at it. My husband and Alan have a
pace in common I would say they are slow. Is
Nick slow? No, I don't think so. But I remember,
(42:38):
like early on we would like joke about, you know,
like the Scotsman pace or like it's it's Preston's pace too.
It's just very different. And I think because they probably
have to hustle in other areas of their life, so
they're really fast and really diligent. Like he's handled sixteen
contracts by the time that I even left this morning,
and and I didn't.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
But is he slow or fast?
Speaker 2 (43:00):
Presty, he's slow and pace So we were talking about
nest and handled in different areas. He's yaster paced. So
like we're high strung, we're probably just not high strong
in other areas. Yeah, and again I think we all
just it's different for each other. But I just think again,
I just have to go passion not being a negative thing,
(43:23):
and we just feel that way. But maybe it's because
I'm going to think it just is what it is. Yeah,
We're gonna skip padlines, stay and go straight to listener advice.
Needing some advice. My sister has been married for three
(43:45):
years and has a fifteen month old son. She and
her husband are nasty to each other, they call each
other names, say rude things to one another, and blame
each other when things happen. My sister has been tough
growing up my whole life. She is quicker to anger,
never takes responsibility, and constantly blames others. At times when
she knows she was the wrong one, she never admits
it and just expects everyone to move past it because
(44:05):
she is over it and she will never apologize. Her
marriage is falling apart, and I'm struggling on how to
support her because I know to an extent what her
husband is going through. She gets super upset when my
family and I defend him, because he can say some
pretty mean things to her too. There has been so
much back and forth with her kicking him out and
then asking him to come back. In my opinion, they
need to go their separate ways and work on how
(44:26):
they get into a healthy coparent relationship. But through all this,
I feel like a bad sister, always taking her husband's side.
How can I put my past with her behind me
and just be there and genuinely support her during this time?
Speaker 1 (44:39):
I mean, I think that's tricky. I think that there's
a way to be there and support your sister and say, okay,
I can see both sides of this. I can see
where he's coming from. I can see where you're coming from,
instead of just always taking his side, because that is hurtful.
No one wants to feel like anyone that should be
in their corners all way taking the other person's side,
(45:01):
even if they can understand it. So I think if
there's a way to kind of come and kind of
be on both sides in a way and kind of
see both sides understand, but then also kind of step
out of it a little bit and let them kind
of figure it out, it would be my.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
I was going to offer, like a therapy gift. I
found this hard. Yeah, like I just sit down and
doesn't even have to be I think you need this
just as something i'd found super helpful. Would love to,
I don't know, offer to watch the baby while they
go do something, the two of them. I mean, we
all know that world. Fifteen months with your first baby, Yeah,
(45:37):
it's hard. It's hard. It's hard on them, it's hard
on both parents and the dynamic and the intimacy and
all of it. I don't know, I agree with both
of you, guys. I also think too, you have to
let them figure it out, you know. And I like
going air on the side when she does bring it
(45:57):
to you, because again, it's so you want to be
there for them, and they are the ones that are
in the marriage that they need to figure it out.
And though the nasty names all that stuff is not
right to be reminded of that, she probably won't like
all that stuff. So just say I can see both sides,
and I'm here if you need me. Just keep saying
that instead of maybe offering advice, Just I'm here if
(46:19):
you do need me.
Speaker 1 (46:20):
Yeah, yeah, and just yeah again because I'm healthy. No
one wants to, I think, put yourself in her position
for a second. She's already struggling, and no one wants
to constantly just hear the other person being defended right
or wrong, no matter who's in the right or wrong
in that moment. There's a lot of emotions and everyone's
tired and all the things. So just kind of being
(46:41):
a little understanding to that.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
Amen to that, all right, ladies, Well until next Ludi's
a good one. Bye. Ba
Host
Jana Kramer
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