It’s the Public Toenail for Me

Jana and Kristen confront moments of heartbreak, with Kristen dealing with the anniversary of the loss of her father, and Jana facing a devastating “near miss” on an acting role. 

But from one raw truth to another, we also discuss the important relationship questions you probably haven’t considered… would you clip your partner’s toenails? IN PUBLIC??

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.
High Friend, High Friend. We have a friend who's not
here because she's in Alaska. I'm really proud of her. Yeah,
it seems like I haven't contacted I wished her. Well,
did you say anything? Have you talked to her? Have
texted with her? And you know, replied to her. The

(00:25):
the excursions she's doing, it looks like she's having a
lot of fun. She did say something about how she
wishes like it's better if maybe not on a boat
doing it. Okay, So I don't know if they're not
like seeing as much stuff. I'm not really sure, but
we'll get the we'll get the details. I did write
to her before she left, and I said, I'm really

(00:45):
proud of you. This is going to be great and
have sex. I want her to have the time of
her life. And she crawled inside her skin. She did
inside a boat all as well. What's going on? Friend?
Anything you want chat about? I just don't know how much.
Just one want to unpin on wine down is the
big rhetorical Well, it causes no problems when you do,

(01:05):
only when you do or okay, no, I just have
a lot I think, I don't even know where this goes,
so let me just throw it at you and you
can organize my life for me. That would feel really great, actually,
And these times I forget we're recordings. I'm trying to
be careful, but we've got a little drama on. I've

(01:27):
got a little drama on the school side of life.
For us, we only go to a two two day
a week tutorial, and then through that tutorial we also
do like cheerleading, so there's like it's all kind of
getting messy and noisy. I don't know if I've told
you this and all of our ketchups, but I'm the
president of the cheer Booster Club and so my new

(01:48):
title is very involved, I guess. And I took that
not thinking it would be I took it knowing that
I would be in charge of communication between all entities,
and I felt like I could do that well, and
no one else volunteered, so I ran on a post
and now I'm just really in the thick of a lot.
And I think it's that constant kind of like I
think it's a time dilemma, but specifically in mom life,

(02:09):
where anything we say yes too, we're saying no to
something else. Yeah, So when I get to my phone
and I have several voice memos five minutes long, and
I'm like, when is there going to be a good
time for me to dive into that and to use
my energy. So I feel a little tired. I'll try
to detach so I don't get emotional. But this time
of the summer is just hard. So this past weekend

(02:32):
would be four years to the day that my dad
passed away, and so July used to be my favorite,
and it's just kind of sneakily gotten, like a little
calendar landmine. There's just a couple things in July that
feel kind of like ugh, you know, like you have
to face them, so I feel and then always in July,
Preston is gone, like the most he could be gone.

(02:53):
So it's just a slow pile up in my little world.
I think it's hard because there's there's so many things,
Like you said, when when it revolves around to death
or other pieces that are hard, you then go, Okay,
that's July, like that used to be, yeah, and I
don't want it to be. I'm fighting to keep it, yeah,

(03:14):
because I actually still really love it. Sure, and there's
so many good things happening. Yeah, but it's a weird
and I don't have like a tradition about like losing
my dad, but like it is wild because you go
back to the day you got the phone call, you know,
like it, and just life from then on. But I
think four years ago Christen is different from four years now.

(03:38):
So how you may be handled that grief, then maybe
you need to maybe you skipped a few steps. Yeah,
I just I feel like maybe not, maybe not. Maybe
you have to sometimes like retroactively go back. Keep it's
something like with this is wildly different. But like my
domestic abuse pass, I've talked in circles around that, but

(04:00):
only where I wanted to, I think, talk about it.
I kept it kind of in a little bit of
a box. And then when I started doing therapy with Amy,
she's like, I think we should revisit this piece, and like,
I've talked about it so much, But I realized I
was closing off certain pieces of it because I didn't
want to reopen it because it was too hard for
me to talk about, too hard for me to feel
again experience. But it was until I walked through the

(04:23):
pieces of that trauma that then got me to feeling
lighter on the other side of it, not saying you
didn't do that, yeah, no, no no, but sometimes in
that grief, in that trauma, you kind of box up
and go, oh no, no, fine, I'm fine, and I will, yeah,
like dealt with that time and then you move on. Yeah,
it's more I think too, like and I think all
grief is grief, So I think that that does apply.

(04:45):
Like that situation. It's grieving the loss of anyone, whether
they're alive or I think when they're alive, it's maybe
sometimes harder in my experience, And so I think that's
also tricky because now we have this new mom relationship.
So it's just like a lot of things and I
feel like a lot being asked of me and very
seldom and I'm just saying this as nicely as I can.

(05:08):
There's not like a whole lot of checking in on me.
I have to do that for myself. Yeah, And how
often am I doing that? Well? Not enough, because we
have our babies that we put in the forefront. Yeah,
you know, but I will say that, you know, the
grieving people that are still alive, that is a very
hard one. I mean, I remember that even just with

(05:29):
my divorce, because you still have to see the person
and it's grieving the loss of something and the idea
and then it's a different person in front of you.
It's I mean, it's just it's it's traumatic. It's a
lot of healing and it takes years. Yeah, and then
it's almost like the further you get down the road,
there's another piece to unlock that you haven't even thought
about yet, and because you shoved it way down and yeah,

(05:52):
that's why. That's why it bothers me when people are like,
how are you not healed yet? It's like healing is
not just linear. It's not like it's it's up and down.
And then you forgre like, oh god, I totally forgot
about that, but now I remember this, and this triggers
that or and it's in weird things you'll t pieces yeah,
Like I can be loading a dishwasher and something will

(06:13):
hit me and then I have to like quickly. It's
almost like how fast can you do paperwork? In my brain,
I'm like, Okay, how can I shuffle through this because
in about forty five seconds I have to be back
to like making quinoa or something. Well, I think the
response to those triggers and traumas you're the healing helps
you recover faster. Yes, in most cases, let's pray, yeah,

(06:36):
and not compartmentalize. But I don't know. I think there
might be something to go back to with when it
comes to because you don't want July to always be
that doomsday coming up, right, So maybe there is something
with I don't know. Do you think there's pieces of
your dad's death that you have to go backwards in? Yeah?

(06:57):
I think I'm going to get really candid. It's probably
the most I've said about family dynamics on here, But like,
I think the hardest part for me is I deal
with I try to deal and I think that there's
just so much avoidance in my family still that it's

(07:18):
almost like we have two separate families now, because one
is one is really living inside of an old narrative
and I am living inside of a reality narrative. And
I know everyone has their own realities and very respectful
of that, but I can't pretend, and so I get

(07:42):
kind of stuck, and it's it is difficult because I
don't like my husband both has both of his parents
and Pressen's fifty and he gets to have both of
his parents, so I don't know, like there's things coming up.
I don't know, it's just it all gets a little messy.
And then it gets what Amy is refric too, is
like I get a little grid locked because it's like

(08:02):
I'd love to fix something, but almost to fix something
you have to fix something else, or in order to
heal this, you'd have to go heal that. It's just
like I get okay, and then by then that time,
my forty five seconds of alone time is over and
I'm back to the dishwasher. Yeah you know, I'm grieving
in pockets. I'm sorry, friend. Yeah, it's okay. It's a lot.
It's weird. We're going to celebrate neutilized though. Yes, I

(08:26):
love you. With Amy, it's going be fun. A couple's
intensive view and me, I have something that's it Is
it lighter? Jesus name? Do you want as I'm like over,

(08:49):
you're just like under the pressure of the world. No,
But I think it's relatable for people because we always
want to be at the night level, right, We're always
striving for something. I was watching actually that Quarterback show.
It's like you there's no perfection, but you're striving to

(09:10):
get to the top, right, And you know, in March,
I got a call on a vacation and I booked
a movie and it was great. I was so excited
this past vacation with Alan and our anniversary. I tested
got really close on a show. It was one of
those shows that were just like for example, and I

(09:32):
think it's all kind of like hitting me at once.
So I tested for The Hunting Wives and got pinned
for it. It was a Showtime show. But now it's
on Netflix, so I'm now I'm seeing that, Okay, the
trailer and the previews everywhere, and it's like that show.
It's really hard, like in this industry to test. It's
so hard to get to that place. Even you know auditions,

(09:53):
It's like there's so many people that audition, so I
mean so many things to get to a place where
you test and get pinned. Like this is like they
I want you. You're like on deck. If you're pinned, right,
you pinned is like you're available. They're pinning you. They
want you. You're saving those dates, like you are this
close to tasting it. Okay, last time I thought that
was with Mayans and Kurtzutter and I mean devastated when

(10:14):
I didn't get it, and then hunting wives, I mean
I was I cried for like three days, was so upset.
But again, so I'm like seeing and I'm obviously so
happy for and I understand that everything always happens like
for a reason. I get that, and my mom starts
to wear us out too a little. That's the thing.
It's like that this is so silly that storyline is.

(10:35):
I think what wears me down is like, yes, this
is so stupid to be trying about it. And it's
realized because I am. I am incredibly blessed for everything
I am a working actress I have done for like
I'm on my fourth movie this year. I'm so excited
and I'm so grateful. It's just the narrative that is,
like I have been trying so hard to get back

(10:58):
on a show once I've went full force back into acting,
Like I left One Tree Hill to do music, and
I'm so grateful that I pursued that for as many
years as I did. But to get back on a
show is so much harder than people think, and like
I've gotten so close so many times. But it's like
that so I had a really good feeling about this
last one, and it's a I don't want to say
what it is yet, but it is a show we've

(11:19):
actually talked about the creator on the show before. It
would have been a huge spin off show for me
to get. I was in the mix, you know, the
whole thing, and I was I'm on a horse, which
is ironic for the show that it is. And I
got the text from my manager being like, hey, their
offer is out to this person. If they don't accept,
like like you're next. But I'm like, so for people

(11:42):
it's going to accept. So for people that aren't in
this world, is it often that someone wouldn't accept this person?
I know their show just got canceled, and like they're
perfect for the role. And I've been up against her
a few times for things, so I was like, of
course it is, and like I'm happy for it, like
you know, it's a great role. Like I'm like, this
is awesome for her. But it was one of those
moments where I was like when will it be? Like

(12:05):
I've worked so hard, Like when will it be? Like
my because I'm like I want this. I want to
be back on a show again, Like that is like
my dream and like I know it's gonna happen, and
I'm so sick of saying that thing. And everyone's like
and my manager's like, it's you're You're right there, like
you're gonna get it. And I was like, and I've
been saying this for twenty years, like fifteen years since
I've been off One Tree Hill, so I think this
is actually this is But I know people deal with

(12:27):
this no, no, like with they of course they do,
but also like it's okay for us just not be
okay sometimes, and I think that's like maybe where I'm
at too crazy different situations, I know, but like it's
okay to just be like I am struggling with this
and I don't want to sugarcoat it for once, like
like I did all the affirmations I said, like I said,
I get it, like I've wrote it every day, like

(12:49):
I'm booking the show like you know, and I'm going
to get one this year. It's like I've said all
those things. I'm like, when does it? And I know
God's plan and I'm so grateful for everything, and Okay,
I know this wasn't the one and I always know
they always make sense and it's been how many years? Well,
and I've getten this so close? I'm like, what is it?
Is it? Just do I am I not that good?
Is it? Like? I know I'm good enough to This

(13:10):
is why I feel I'm good enough to get to
the final three, But why am I not like good
enough to get it? So I I think it's probably
again the answer you don't want to hear, which is
just timing or there's something that's been like fifteen years. No,
I know, And I'm dealing with this on the artist's
side at my house, where we're like, you know, Presson's

(13:31):
been at it for twenty five years and not nominated,
and it gets frustrated, stupid with the tears. No, no, no, no.
But I think people just think it's like no, I
think you also just need to get it out so
grateful and it's freaking hard. It's frustrating. I think they
do need to hear this though, because I actually was
just driving the other day. You had sent a note
that like there's a potential for us to be able
to come visit you on set, and I was like,

(13:52):
just so proud of you that you keep going because
your world is ruthless, like and I really mean that.
And so the perception for all of us, even the
ones close to you, is like, we know you're trying,
but you're still getting stuff. And to me, being a
working actress is like crazy, Like I'm like that it
has to speak volumes to your talent that people are
still hiring you, and and I'm grateful for it. I

(14:14):
know you, and I want the opportunity that I know
that I haven't. I think people need to hear this
because I would. I think the assumption is that because
you're a working actress, this is you probably have all
the things you've ever wanted, you know. And there's a
piece of it too that tables when you become a
mom or a wife, and like I have shared that

(14:35):
with you throughout our entire friendship and not really with listeners,
that I have pinned a lot of big dreams that
I've had to be able to allow my husband to
go chase his Like he's performing at the White House,
he's flying with the Thunderbirds, he's doing all of that
while I'm home holding it down. And I wouldn't change that,
and I still miss myself. Yeah, so I think it's

(14:58):
okay for us to just say it and for us
to not. I don't know. I think I've said this
to you before, but I had a therapist once tell
me that attaching a judgment to the feelings what gets dangerous. Yeah,
so just have the feeling and don't judge yourself for
having it right. It's just so hard when you have
the outside noise too of people either in comment boxes

(15:18):
or whatever, being like, well, she's not even that good
of an actress. You start to believe some of the
you know, and I know, I'm I don't, I don't
believe that, but it wouldn't those moments where you are, well,
why aren't I you know what is? It is? It is?
I don't know that part of that world. Yeah, I
mean a lot of our world is, you know. So,

(15:39):
but it's just you know, and again I know, and
it's like, I mean, politically not republican, I know, just
like the I always send the things like right there,
it's like I have like I'm literally I'm just sick
of the narrative and I understand the timing of things,
so I get that. But I just for anyone else
that is frustrated and they're not exactly where they want
to be, but grateful for where they are. It's like,

(16:00):
that's fair. I think it's okay to be in that
space too. I do too, and I feel it actually
to my core right now. So we're grateful that we
have a house that music built, and we miss our dad.
We want a data it's exhausting. Yeah yeah, and that's
okay to be not okay sometimes, yeah, okay. Here we

(16:21):
are here, we are decently not okay, but also blessed,
and that is a fair thing to want. I also
really quickly will share this. I always think of it
this way. If Love and Legend and Lion all wanted
something desperately that I had, and I'm happy to give
to them, but I didn't know that they wanted, wouldn't

(16:41):
I want them to just say it out loud and
we could just why would they want to have to
carry that around? I could just give that to them, right, So,
I think it's okay to just pray boldly and he
already knows the desires of your heart, but sometimes saying
out loud. I prayed out loud. Finally I was stopped
being afraid to pray for a third baby, and I
just boldly said it. And now look at me, elder mom.

(17:02):
We love her, remove the blocks. Kelly Rippa dishes on
why she finds husband Mark consuelos preference for mourning sex

(17:23):
to be disgusting. First of all, I love other people
making headlines and saying things I really love. Kelly Rippa,
on the latest episode of the Not So Skinny but
Not Fat podcasts Alive with Kelly and Marcos, revealed that
she and Consuelos don't always see eye to eye when
when to have sex. I don't know about you and
your marriage, but I'm going to be personal. Are you
an evening person or a morning person? Ripa asked the host.

(17:46):
She said, definitely not mourning. Do not breathe on me
in the morning. The personality noted men are mourning people.
Despite Ripa finding it disgusting, she claimed her husband of
twenty six years wants to have sex only in the morning.
He'll never learn, she jokingly added, he's a guy thoughts.
I think it's crazy after twenty six years that we
haven't found some sort of I mean, can we just
meet in the afternoon? Call it a split? That's wild. Listen,

(18:10):
I will never be a morning person while we're home, Sames.
If we're on vacation, like he for example, oh boy,
when we were on vacation this last not this last time,
at the time before that, like one day in the Bahamas.
You know, he's like, whoa, you're not a morning person.
I'm like, I am when there's not responsibility or kids. Yeah, agreed,

(18:33):
But besides that, like, no, I want to sleep in
as late as I can, and you're he's usually up
before me anyways, but I yeah, I don't want to
be touched in the morning. Yeah. I also think that's
like kind of fun to have that to save for vacation. Yeah,
like that's the fun extra. But you also can't get
me past ten o'clock. So I'm a I'm a I'm

(18:55):
gonna wait afternoon, like you know, after the kids get
put to bed, but like after ten, don't touch me.
I'm tired. Yeah. Yeah, i'd agree. I'm not afraid of
the morning. But also I just have children. There's just
so many children once you hit three few six. So
do you have a preferred time to have sex. Yeah,

(19:16):
I actually really love afternoon with him. Afternoon. Yeah, but
that's how that's what got us that third baby with
naked Tuesdays Boop did it. I just think it's funny
after twenty six years, that that's still his preference and
that's not her preference, and that they're still just stuck
with that. I mean, I don't think I think they're like,

(19:37):
they're doing fine. But I'm just saying, he'll never learn
she's saying, and he still really loves it. Again. I
love this overshare because I'm an oversharer. We've got Alison
Brie clips husband Dave Franco's toenails during picnic in the park.
They were spotted enjoying a romantic park picnic on Tuesday,
July fifteenth. According to the social media footage circulating, Franco
was scrolling his phone while Brie was spotting giving her

(19:59):
husban Than some personal attention by clipping his toenails and
throwing them in the grass. Okaz, thought starter, here we go?
Is this fine or disgusting? I'm sorry, I wouldn't. I mean,
listen more powerty, Allison. I would never cut my I
for some reason, find toenail clippings. Gross. I don't like

(20:22):
I'm very careful about. I used to know someone who
would just like clip their toenails and just let them
fly wherever and it's like, please collect them, yeah, and
then toss them either in the sink or in the trash.
We do I do all of the kids outside. Yes,
that feels fair, but this is outside. I just don't
think I would do it in public. Yeah, I'm just like,
is there something we can just say for like, I
don't know, the half bath at home or something like that.

(20:44):
That's a little I really I have clipped my husband's
toenails before in public, not in public. And then I
also got to the point where I'm like, well, you're
able body. No, I know, it's weird because they're like
they're like God's little hardware, you know, So they're just
so strong, and so I also just don't want them
in public. Grass. I don't know why it bothers me

(21:05):
that they're in public grass your own law, and maybe
I think having said that, though, have you ever had
your man help you shave while you're pregnant? No? No,
you have, well, not like I don't remember, no, because
Alan it's like by the third baby you're kind of
like knowing what you're doing. But I mean I don't.

(21:26):
I definitely don't think that's weird because that's like helping
and I don't even think the toenail thing. I think
it could actually be sweet if that matters to someone.
I think that could be like an active service. But
at home, Yeah, it's the public toenail for me. I mean, listen,
that sound like they were out to like a restaurant
doing it. I think being in a park is fine. Yeah.

(21:48):
I guess the part of the story that I really
love the most though, is just that they're just comfortable
out in the wild. Yes, love that because I wonder
if they were strangers, would we I think I'd still
feel the same. It's to be like, wow, a tone
a public tonnail clipping. It's kind of like seeing someone's
foot on an airplane. I don't need to see anyone's
toes on airplane, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, when
they take their socks off or they take their shoes off,

(22:09):
and then you see their foot, it's like they sandal
on an airplane, to be honest, sand Yeah, example, so
sandal and then they put their foot up on the
chair and then I look to my right and I
see it like a dude's nail. I don't I don't
want to see it. Please put it away. That's so fair,
and it really truly like I know that everybody I know,

(22:29):
they could do anything. Yeah, does my foot right now
bother you? No? But I mean my feet you know,
toenails are out too. But I would I bother you
if I start clipping them right now? Yeah, I would
be bothered by that. I'd also do a well check
because that doesn't seem like cam but that's fine. Shana
Shay says husband brock Davy's cheated on her while she

(22:50):
was pregnant. She's got a memoir out my good Side
that her husband brock Davy's cheat on her when she
was pregnant with the couple's daughter, Summer Moon Now for
Davi's admitted to the adultery in twenty twenty three, after
the news broke of the scandaval, the infamous cheating scandival
between Tom and Rachel. Shay wrote that one night she

(23:11):
sat down to watch the latest episode of The Real Houses,
New Jersey. According to the thing She's right before I
press play, Brock told me to put down the remote
because he needs to talk to me about something important.
I thought he was joking at first, but then I
noticed his face was serious, and my heart began beating
against my chest. What could possibly go wrong? She said,
Her body froze. Her husband told her he cheated on
me two years prior, when we were living in San

(23:32):
Diego during the pandemic, when I was pregnant with Summer.
She recalled, completely stick to my stomach. He was scared
about being a father again. They chose to deal with
it by sleeping with someone else. We might be able
to interview her at some point about this, you know.
She also said too that she's aware that some fans

(23:54):
will be quick to throw her past affair with the
then married Eddie in her face. It felt like I
got my karma. But you know, does that what comes
over your body when you read that? Because this feels
like very close to home for you. I mean, yeah,

(24:15):
I mean my ex cheated on me when I was
pregnant with Jolie and Jason. But he wasn't saying I
have something to tell you. Well, that's different to me.
And that's a piece where it's like it doesn't make
it right at all, like at all, the cheating part,
that's awful, No, no, no, But there's a piece of
accountability that I appreciate when a cheater does admit wrongdoing before, yes,

(24:38):
I think they found out. It does not make it right,
It does not make it okay. It's none of that.
But there is a that is a different person to
me as opposed to the person that is only semi honest,
because I will never believe again, just from my own
personal trauma, that someone who cheated then got caught is
then going to be honest poe about what happened. Because

(25:02):
of my personal past, it was always there was always
something more, There was always another lie, which is why
when I talk to a lot of women in my
DMS and they say like, well, how do I believe?
And I'm like, most cases, there is always more if
you found out, because they're going to be hiding something else.
They don't want you to know. That's right. In more cases.
In my case that was also it. So when someone

(25:24):
does come forward like that, it does show a different
type of person. Again, not condoning, not saying any of
it was okay, but that is kind of what came up.
It's like there is a piece of like I would
have loved that little ounce of respect because the act
itself is so disrespectful, and the discovery is awful and

(25:47):
everything past that. But I do find I do have
an ounce of respect for a man that can actually
come and say I messed up. I agree, and I
feel like I could trust that person more. Yeah, I
just I just don't think that there is a woman
alive that can unfeel the moment they discover something like that,

(26:07):
like it is the worst all of us can go
back in a millisecond, Yeah, to the moment where they
were we were the bottom fellow, and I like immediately
feel that six stomach and I feel though, yeah, hm,
tricky it is. I also hate this because there's the
public aspect of just everything for them, So it's the

(26:29):
show and it's everything that went around it, and the
scandal and the It just is hard enough. And I've
always said this even to you, like hard enough to
have to deal with it, harder to have to deal
with it publicly. The public facing side is just unfortunate.
And her new book is her telling her side from

(26:49):
my understanding, So I'll also say too, I'm not one
to jump on the bandwagon of internet people saying oh, well,
she had an affair with the married man, so that
this is karma, because I think hurt people hurt people,
and it's I don't think it's I don't know karma.
It's something that I I don't like to play with

(27:10):
because I don't want karma to ever come back on things.
Do you think you have? Like, do you believe in that?
That was one of my promotions. I think who you
are comes back around if you don't change who you are,
I would, I would one hundred percent agree with that.
If you don't heal pieces of you, you're karma. But

(27:31):
I will say your past will come back. Yeah, if
that is how, that's how I kind of look at karma,
where if you are the same person, it will come
back not because you did X, but because you didn't
do Y and Z right the recovery, the work. Yeah,
that feels really fair and honest. So I'm not one

(27:54):
to be like, well she deserved it, because then it's
like I don't think anyone do. Yeah, I don't think
anyone deserves anything. I don't think what he did was right.
I don't think what he did was right, and let's
fix that to not repeat the cycle of it happening again.
I also just think, and this is by no means
me excusing, ever, I just have been married before, and
I just know some people are just not meant for recovery.

(28:20):
Some people are not meant for it to continue as
honest as they could get as much as they do.
Some people bring out the worst in each other, so
even if there was no any extra anything, they're just
gonna continue to just clash. And I sometimes I feel
like these affairs are like that, like the eruption that

(28:43):
just makes it like okay, so now it's just all done.
It's just all blown up, you know, like burn it down.
And I hate that, especially when there's kids involved. But man, yeah,
and some people are just not gonna well. And I
think some people can. I don't want to say some
people can change for other people. But some people, like
you said, are just oil and water. Yeah, so where
they might be oil and water in a marriage, they

(29:04):
will be different. Like I know, I have a different
Allen than his ex his ex wife, right, I am
different than who MI had. We have different experiences, right,
and we have changed because of what we either learned
or grown through or healed through whatever. And then I
also think there are other people that are just who

(29:26):
they are and will be that way, and we'll cheat
on next people's relationships because that's just who they are
and they had not done the work to heal the
pieces of it. I mean, I'm not even the same
wife I was nine years ago. Yeah, we're coming up
on ten years this year, and I'm just I've been
like kind of thinking back to just even the husband
I have in the last three years and how different

(29:47):
he is. I mean, it's it's just really But then
you have to add the public microscope to everything too,
and the child layer, and it's exhausting. Yeah. I have
an amazing eight year old daughter. Her dad and I
have been divorced for about three years, and while things
started off fairly amicable, we've hit a rough patch when

(30:08):
it comes to co parenting. The biggest issue right now
is consistency. I try really hard to keep routines and
boundaries at my house, like bedtime, screen time, and chores,
but when she goes to her dad's, all of that
goes out the window. She comes back exhausted, over stimulated,
and upset when I try to re establish any structure.
I've tried talking to him about it, but he just
says I'm being controlling or that kids need to have fun.

(30:28):
I don't want to be the boring, strict parent while
he gets to be the fun one. And more importantly,
I feel like it's starting to affect our daughter's emotional stability.
How do I navigate this without making things worse between
us or putting my daughter in the middle? Thank you? Yeah,
if I feel like you'd be more of an expert
on this. And this is so hard. This is the
part so hard. I have a girlfriend. I'm making this fast,

(30:49):
but I have a girlfriend who we've talked about like
turbulent times with our husband, and every time she just
goes back to I would rather fight here than have
to try to do exactly what's happening to this woman.
And that's not me saying that there's sometimes it just
has to happen. I just cannot imagine specifically the control freak.

(31:09):
I'll say it high strung if you will, kind of
mom that I am having to deal with this, so
I is always off to the co parenting parents of
the world. It's not easy. I can't. I literally can't
and don't want to have to imagine. Yeah, it's it's hard,
and it's I've tried to have the conversations and where
I feel like at times we've made progress. We can't

(31:32):
control what foods they eat there. We can't control, like
I all I know what I can do is what
I can control in our house, and I think that's
what I have to keep coming back to. When I
unpack lunches and I'm like I said, I don't want
them eating this. I it's takes more energy to then
call and be like I thought we talked that we're
not going to give them red dye in this. You know,

(31:53):
it's it's more energy to go to to not to
to go do that instead of just going, Okay, what
does that phone call do? He already isn't going to
do whatever he wants to do. He's already then when
I call, going to feel controlled, because that's the that's
his narrative in our marriage so or in our past marriage.
So I can only control what I can control here.

(32:17):
I know that I'm not going to pack those for
those lunches, and that's all that I can do. When
it comes to the overstimulation and being tired, I mean,
it's you know, again we there are times where you
know we might not put them to bed at the
same time, but again, you just have to go to
being consistent in your home is the best thing for

(32:39):
your kid. I think it's so. The part that I
can what is the word relate to is I'm the
say your prayers and mind your manner's parents legend in
love so pleasantly put it. Data tries too, but like
I'm the one with the structure, with the rules, with
the you know, brain, and I can that part does get.

(33:02):
I don't know an answer for that other than we
parent for the long game, and we parent for the
moment where it clicks, like I am may not make sense,
but a parent for the moment where love is like
thirty and she says, if I only knew, like thinking back,
it all just clicks. And I think about the long

(33:25):
runs into Nashville for a ballet class to try, or
the exhausted like you fall asleep in my bed and
then you didn't get to watch your shit it's like,
or the short temper. I just know that there will
be a time, whether it's here Heaven, that it all
will rectify and doesn't make me a better parent or anything,
just that they'll see it for what it is. I
think there's that, but I think there's also, like what

(33:46):
I've tried to do like it. I know they're going
to get more technology over it at Dad's house. I
know they're going to watch more TV, they're gonna play
the video games, they're going to do all that, And
I have made piece of that. I don't like it,
but I've made peace of it because I know that
I can't control an piece of that. What I make
sure of is when they come here, it's we're outside,
we're playing, we're doing this, we're playing, we're going to
the park, we're walking, we're riding bikes. And I help

(34:09):
educate them why when they want to, because they'll be like, well,
why can we don't get to watch like here? And
I'm like, can I can I tell you the reasons
why this isn't always great for your sweet little brains,
you know, so one day that they can go actually, no,
instead of TV. I want to do this so that
they might then make the choice to go this isn't
the best option, the choice that I should be doing

(34:31):
right now. I want to go play outside instead. Yep,
that's kind of what I hope for and be like, no,
I wouldn't. I'm gonna rather eat this instead of this. Well,
and the memories are just so much sweeter. Yes, but again,
I think it's about just picking your battles and going, Okay,
are they happy or they loved? Bottom bottom line, that's
that's what the it's over that then fighting about if

(34:53):
they have jolly ranchers. Yeah, and eight is tricky, but
I bet you'll see the fruits of your labor and
the good habits start to roll over into that house
because there'll be people that kind of make those choices
eventually to stay consistent and love. That's it all right, Well,
that was fun and emotional. Bye bye,