October 28, 2024 • 47 mins
TRIGGER WARNING: Discussions of domestic violence.
Jana is honoring Domestic Violence Awareness Month with a conversation with survivor Nillie Danesh. We hear Nillie’s own personal experience with abuse, and learn how “love bombing” can escalate into physical violence.
We hear all the different ways abusers can isolate their victims from their friends and family, and Nillie shares her healing journey after leaving her abuser.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hy ladies, Hi, Hi, how are we?
Speaker 3 (00:12):
We're good? How are you? I'm good?
Speaker 4 (00:14):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Oh no, no, no, I'm good. I've just been like
it's been one of those where I I'm trying to
figure out what to do. Uh.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
That's actually the story of my life right now, just
that trying to figure out what to do.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
It's it's just hard because I we don't have so
we remember we were having like we had part time
uh sitter where she would come two to three times
a week. Today is her last day, and I'm still
at that place where I'm like, I don't it's it's
it's really hard because we went to go see the daycare,
which I then talked to McKenzie and she's like, no,
they left right they're going.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
To she said, I think, well, I think the other
one did already you just talked about the other day.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Said it's changed a lot, and and and then you know,
I don't think he's ready for one nap because I
mean he's he's not even one yet, and that's when
they go to one. I'm like, he can barely make
it to nine thirty like you're just trying to stretch
him to three hours, Like, no way, that kid's getting
to five. Yeah, and I'm not ready to drop them, yeah,
but trying to find part time work is difficult. And
(01:13):
then you know, with my work and my very up
and down schedule, it's like and then the nannies now
are just so expensive, and I'm like, I'm having a
really hard time with what I would pay for a nanny,
and then knowing that I pay child support and so
my I'm getting like that angry feeling again with my
(01:36):
ex where it's like I have like that resentment boiling
up again, where I'm like, you have them eight days
a month, eight to ten days a month, and I
have to pay X amount of money to you. It's
it's and I got to pay, and like I know,
he's like in his defense, he'd be like, well, I
didn't tell you to have another baby, you know what
I mean. But also like it's still just like I
don't know, I have like that like anger piece of
me that i'm and then I'm trying to figure out, well,
(01:56):
maybe I'll just be a stay at home mom and
like you know, but then I'll like, no baby you
have you're gonna have to like find something, and like
his job stuff up is up in the air, and
then you know, then I'm like, I'll just I'll just
I just got this. I got this until the end
of the year, right, And so I come up with that,
I'm like, at least I'm just gonna get to them.
So I felt really confident in that where I'm like,
it's the end of like the season. Not many things
(02:19):
come up, you know, So I'm like, we're gonna be fine.
It's like we'll we'll reassess like both of our stuff
and what's happening. Because I got a movie offer for
the next year, so I'm like, that's next year. It's
either March April May, like they're they're not sure yet.
So I'm like, I we've got some time to breathe.
Let me just like enjoy these last few months and
like just you know, all of us and being little
(02:40):
and and then Alex calls me yesterday. She's like, hey,
are you available to a movie for three three weeks
in November. And I was like, yeah, yes, I know,
but but then also I'm but then you know, she
hasn't called me back. I'm like She's just like it's
like that, like U, I'm like, well, I don't, and
this is exactly why I feel like I need to
pay someone to be available and they have.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
And it's hate to say it what we had to do.
I mean, it's your world where you just don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
But it's just painful to know how much I'd be
paying out for childcare.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Yeah, I understand that, and.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Then I just get angry but all I had to do.
But this is very interesting because there's a piece of
something that came up in therapy. So this episode is obviously,
well not obviously, no one knows. This month is Domestic
Violence Awareness Month and we have a survivor that's coming
on the show to talk about DV. But it was
interesting because something from this situation like brought up something
(03:34):
from the past of one of my past abusers feeling
like trapped and held down. And it's crazy how even
things from our past can come in. I know that's
kind of like a sidebar moment, but anyways, but I
can't really say how and who it's connected with, but
it all just kind of brings up that like tense
feeling of just like not being able to breathe. Yeah, well,
(03:54):
and I think I don't know if that makes sense.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
No, it does, and I'm curious.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
I understand why you're connecting the two, but also, do
you think you're able to separate those in your mind
a little bit? The child support and child care? I mean,
you see what I'm saying. I feel like that would
help you mentally.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Fair we can discuss why the piece.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Got it understood because I think it just feels like it,
knowing only what you just said, it feels like it
would be helpful to be able to separate that piece
because they don't go hand in hand.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
No, and less, there's more to the story, but I.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Understand it. I just feel like it would be helpful
if it was able to.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
You know, we moved a full time because for eight
years I tried to do the oh, I'll just have
someone on Wednesdays when I do a podcast or what
and it's so exhaust and if it does change, you're
just screwed. So I told Preston, like, you know, I
that's why we're really lucky because we have a utility player,
(05:02):
like she's helping me grow the brand's publishing the podcast,
she's doing all the things I'm very, very lucky. It's
still a ton of money. Like, it's a lot of money.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah, well, nanny's are starting at thirty Like I have
another interview today at two thirty after this, and it's
her starting points thirty dollars an hour for forty hour guarantee.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
And I'm just like, yeah, like, but there is a flexibility,
I'll say, like even here, you know, like if we
change a time, I'm like, I got it, or I
can do it, like because if you do part time,
you're just piecing it together. And I would say peace
of mind comes with its own price tag fty one.
But we're doing it.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
But also it seems god, because I remember this so vividly,
it seems like such, it's really not that long of
a time.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
No, it's not, you know what I mean. I look
and look, it's like five years.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
Look at how much money I spent in those years
on childcare because I mean I worked in an office.
I always had to pay somebody. Now it's got a
little bit more expensive. But I had a full time
nanny when Ramsey was born and my other kid was born.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
I mean, it was it was a lot.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
Yeah, But now I'm like, man does the rest of
the years, Like I don't have to pay for that anymore.
Like it really is kind of short lived too. In
the middle of it, it feels very but if you
can kind of look at it long term, like it
really is only kind of a short period of time,
and eventually he will probably go to school, a kind
of school before he even goes to.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
School, so really it might not even be really four
years right at the most. Yeah, and if you dwindle
it down, it's really not that much.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Yeah, it's interesting. I'm going to get for this, but
I'll stand behind it. When we were doing the EMDR
on the child, because I'm like, I don't want to
be angry. I like where my ex and I are at,
where we're able to have where I can truly separate
my ex marriage feelings with him and how I felt
with him in that relationship. And this is the only
(06:56):
piece that like, I have any sort of anger or
resentment or frustration with because I felt like he took
so much during our marriage that I'm like, and you're
still taking sure. I understand why. I understand the legal thing.
I understand this is helping him pay for his place
for the kids and the kids need a place as well.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
But I also know, yeah, so.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
That that piece is just like the only piece that
like I rub up against where I feel like we
can't have that like one hundred percent perfect relationship because
I just feel like he's still trying to like take
from me, and where through some of the AMDR work
that I can share in that is there was a
piece I like started to cry, you know.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
She stops it and she's like, oh, what are you feeling?
Speaker 2 (07:41):
And I was like, I would pay anything to not
be with him, where it's almost like this in that
moment of something that had happened, where I was like,
I would pay you this much to be out of this,
And it's almost like in my freedom check in a
way to like not be with him. It's like a
weird way to justify it, but in my brain, I
was like, I'd rather the life that I have now
(08:04):
so much more than like what I was going through.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
We called it the freedom fee when I went through, oh,
in previous marriage, and it wasn't anything like this financially
because we didn't have children, but I was left with
everything in my name, all of the debt, all of
the rent, all of the you know, like all of it,
and so it was it was like but then I
got to the point where I was just like, it's
the fee of peace of mind, it's the fee of freedom,
(08:28):
it's the you know and lovely person, find person whatever,
all similar feelings. Ish just also not my person, so
it costs.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
But I also understand it's like the core and like
it's what I have, and it's like it's sure for
my kids, but also aged ten days out of the month,
it's just it's like you that's not.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
I know.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
This is the part where I just have a hard time,
yea with it.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
I think it's really fair and very valid to struggle
with that. I would super struggle with that. Mm hmm.
I'm like, I always commend you on how you even
handle any of it. Actually, I just try to be
I will say this though one theory and maybe this
will help you because you and I are wired so similarly,
I think.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
And it's only coming up because I feel like I
have to pay.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
More for sure, Yeah yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
I also and that's my that's my situation, you know,
that's our that's my an Alan situation, you know, like
I can't loop him into the anger of that. But
it's just when I you know that, I become the
the girl that you know gets scared of losing. And
when I don't have what, I didn't grow up with it,
you know, So I go into that like scarcity. I
don't have I don't have the money to do it.
That's what I was just going to say.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
I think that I rest in this, and I promise
you it is proven one hundred percent in my life.
God always provides in the gaps. He always provides in
the gaps. He just does in the weirdest ways, in
ways we would never even think that you would get
extra work or extra money or extra anything, because if
(09:54):
you lack somewhere, he will always supplement and make up
the different.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
And I can't come like I'm sitting here and I
hate I just but I do. I'm so fortunate, I'm
so grateful, I'm so like all the things.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
You can be all those things and still frustrated. I know.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
I struggle with like that. I like being allowed to
feel that, which is you.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Don't struggle with a problem like absolutely you struggle with
like feeling like you're allowed to feel that way.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Or like to be judged to me, feeling that way
ye where it's like, oh my gosh, like you like,
for example, when I post that about the perneuveo, like,
how could you be posting about something that you know
is expensive? And I'm like, I'm in a grateful situation
where I can, you know, even have the opportunity to
have a nanny and the opportunity to have a beautiful home,
and you know, so I I and when people are
struggling to buy groceries, and like I get that piece
(10:43):
of why am I sitting here on a platform being
like my poor me?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
But Janna, if you didn't talk about that as an option,
I wouldn't know that thing existed, do you know what
I mean? Like, there's it's very common in our world
that we know about this full scan body thing, but
like there's people that don't know about that, and you
have two million people that now can know about that
if they're in a situation where that's helpful.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
I think it's also a good thing to point out.
Not to change it from that, but back to the
childcare thing, it is good to know that someone in
your situation, Okay, you are very fortunate, is also kind
of struggling with paying that kind of now let's talk
about the people that are not as fortunate as you are.
I think it's bringing instead of you feeling like, oh,
(11:27):
I'm not allowed to feel that way, it's bringing kind
of awareness to like, look how expensive childcare is, Like
whether you can afford it or not afford it, everyone
has to have it pretty much unless you're staying home.
But then they're making a choice a lot of times
to stay home because they can't afford it. So I
think it's a very important topic to understand, and you're
not complaining, but it is expensive and for some people
(11:49):
that takes almost all of the paycheck, you know what
I mean. And so I think it's just it's good
to talk about and it's good to see that. I
hope people see that you're not complaining in a way
like like you're afraid people will see, but you're like,
you know what, Like this is a lot of money.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
I don't know how people freaking do it.
Speaker 5 (12:07):
Well.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
A lot of people can't.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Is that is a That is why a lot of
women stay home because it would not make sense for them.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
That's what I mean.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Literally, Alan and I went and walk and I was like,
I think I'm just gonna like, I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna be I'm gonna try it, I'm gonna be
stay at home mom, and I'm going to do it.
And then and he's like, well if stuff stuff comes up,
and I'm like, I just don't feel like, I like
why for what? Like okay, so I have to post
or something like I can. I can handle it. Then
when things come up like a movie that and then
I just like throw the wrench again. So now I'm like,
(12:34):
I don't know how to know.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
I just think for what you do, I think the
peace of mind of it is worth all of it.
Speaker 5 (12:44):
Everything I do.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Anyways, Yes, but while we were going through but and
I just want to say again like I'm not trying
to hate on my ex, Like I again, I love
the relationship that we're at. That is just what comes
up for me when I feel like I have to
spend money on you know, on things and for some
reason or not for some reason, but given our history,
(13:06):
that was the piece that I'm like so valid I
could just get frustrated with and hope one day it
can be a fair thing. For maybe one day he'll
be like, I don't want to take it anymore. I
don't know if that day will ever come, and he
technically that day doesn't ever have to come, you know,
like because he isn't his right to always take this
child sport.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
Well, I think maybe I might be speaking for you,
but maybe the hope is that he will get really
motivated and work really hard to also make a good
amount of money, not saying he doesn't, but I'm going
to assume since you're paying him child care, yeah, the
money is still very uneven. So if it were me
in that situation, my hope would be that he'd become
(13:45):
super motivated to really up his amount of money as well.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yeah, and I want that for him, which is why,
like I have him, I'm like, you want to come
on the podcast again, like so I can promote your business, Like, yeah,
I want to, Like I want him to succeed, you know,
of course, But flipping gears I was going through This
is just a really sad and I'm just going to
read this because I can't say who was from. But
(14:11):
so I had the one abuser and then I had
a few after and this one that I was with
for a while. I was reading a text message that
I sent and I'm like, this is just makes me
really sad and I just want to say one time
is too many. This is a text message is sent
to an abuser, okay, and I was reading it last
(14:33):
night and I'm like, this is just so messed up,
because again, one time of someone putting their hands on
you is one time too many. So this is like
my arm is now bruised. Also it hurts, as does
my throat. I understand you wanted your one day to relax,
but you did not have to put your hands on me.
And I know you said you didn't put your hands
on me hard, but you did and you know you
(14:53):
did and then made it hurt harder.
Speaker 4 (14:55):
You know.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
I don't like that. And I told you to never
put your hands on me again, and you have done
it one too much many times and I'm done. I
will not allow you to put your hands on me again.
Question is did I allow him to put his hands
on me again?
Speaker 3 (15:08):
Yes? Yes, It's just messed up.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
And I'm reading this and I'm like when they're like
they say you I know, and I know, and I
know you said you didn't put your hands on me
hard Like that part, I was like, they make you
believe they're like, well, it's not like I did it hard.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
It doesn't fucking matter.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
You puts your hands on me, and then I allow
it again and again and again and again. So here
is the episode to not it's like I say that
because it's like I'm always like, oh, because you guys
could say one time is too many, But until you
are in that situation, it's hard to get out because they.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
Actually grew up in that situation.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Yeah, but we have a survivor coming on Nilly and
then we can all share. I want to hear more
of that story as well. So let's take a break
and then get an Illiam. Hi, Hi, Hi, thank you
(16:16):
so much for coming on. We have a mutual friend,
I believe, and I really wanted to make sure we
had a survivor come on the show and talk about
their experience and to anyone that's listening or that knows
someone that is going through any of this, that they
(16:39):
you know, ways to get out, help and just to
know that they're not alone in it. So would you
mind sharing a piece of your story with us?
Speaker 4 (16:47):
Of course? I mean I don't even know where to start.
Speaker 5 (16:49):
It's I think back on it now and I'm like
Oh my gosh. So I met my ex husband at seventeen,
tried to date me different avenues. He would just show
up places, which was interesting now looking back on it.
Started dating him right after high school and he was
(17:12):
twenty five and I was eighteen, and then it was
the stereotypical love bombing, so you know, told me he
loved me. After ten days, he was going to marry me.
Gave me a key to his place, took me on
lavish dates, bought me lavish gifts.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
Was going to give me the world.
Speaker 5 (17:31):
Met his family like very fast, which is very It's
not very common for my culture to meet a family
that quickly and talk about getting married. It's a really
big deal when you bring someone into your family as a.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
What is your boyfriend ethnicity?
Speaker 5 (17:49):
I'm Persian Iranian, so at least for my family, it's
a very big deal. So when you bring someone in,
it's pretty much like you're going to get married to
this person, or at least you have that. You kind
of have that pressure because you don't you don't bring
people in like that. So he was very adamant to
meet my parents. So it happened very quickly, and then
(18:12):
we dated and then The abuse started probably about seven months.
In six seven months.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
In what was the first signs of abuse, Like what
did you start to start to witness?
Speaker 4 (18:26):
So there was a lot of possessiveness.
Speaker 5 (18:29):
I had to change my number because he didn't want
anyone else, like any guys or anyone contacting me that
I knew, Like he didn't like me talking to I
wasn't allowed to talk to any guys. Didn't about any
friends I had, I wasn't allowed to talk to them.
I had to cut them off. It was very hard
for me to like go out with my friends. Everything
(18:50):
was with him I had. I saw him almost every day.
He started putting me down, like, oh, you need to
get your face lasered, you have like care, like you
need to go do this. So a lot of like
small little things about putting me down about the way
I dressed. Wanted my hair to be black. It had
(19:12):
to be black black, and if it wasn't black enough,
like why isn't it black? Why isn't it black? So
all those little things started happening, and then it was
like the control. Couldn't couldn't do things without him. I
couldn't go on girls' trips. It's very hard for me
to get away, so it became very intertwined in my
life and I had there was a lot of mental
(19:36):
and emotional abuse as the years progressed, and then the
physical abuse was very sporadic and very almost calculated, to
the point he knew kind of not to do it
hard enough to bruise me, or he knew kind of
he kind of knew what he was doing, so he
was very calculated in my opinion. But he bought a
(20:00):
house to you know, four years into the relationship, he
bought a house two houses down from my parents and
thought it was a great idea and we weren't even engaged,
so he had eyes on me all the time, and
looking back on it now, I didn't think much of it,
but now looking back in hindsight, I just felt like
he trapped me in a way where it was very
hard for me to leave him or break up with him.
(20:25):
And you know, I feel like, in hindsight, I was
groomed as well at a very young age to be
a certain way for him and to be a certain
in his eyes, like I want her to be this way,
so I'm going to groom her into what I want
and kind of make her. Honestly, I felt like I
was a slave. So I ended up working for him.
(20:49):
We got engaged, got married, and I just felt very
trapped in that relationship. I feel like I knew I
shouldn't marry him, but because of my culture and my
parents and everyone intertwined, I felt very stuck. So it
was almost like harder to leave because I didn't want
to be shamed because he had been around my family
(21:12):
for almost five years at that point.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Did your family ever see any of the abuse?
Speaker 4 (21:17):
No? I kept it very quiet. Was it was very
some people?
Speaker 2 (21:23):
I mean no, I think for me it's hard because
I didn't really tell my friends what was going on.
I mean, I definitely didn't tell. So my first abuser
when I was nineteen and I had just been strangled
by him, and I went to the only friend that
(21:45):
I had at that time because he completely just isolated
me from everyone. But I went to her house and
she was the only friend that was like, are you
texting him? Because if you are, She's like, you have
to leave.
Speaker 3 (21:59):
I can't.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
I can't see you continue to be with this man
and be treated this way. And you know, I think
always back to that time because I'm like you know,
she was the first one to really call out the behavior,
and you know, I ended up leaving that. I ended
up leaving her house because he was sending me photos
of my dog on the one or on the one
(22:22):
or one freeway or the four or five, I can't remember,
of saying if you don't come back, I'm letting the
dogs go on the expressway. So I obviously left and
I went.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
Back to his place. But when I was.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Abused years later and in a long relationship, I hid
those bruises, even though a mutual friend of ours saw
a very very deep bruise on my arm, to which
my abuser always said, well, you bruise easily. I just
you know, or the big sweatshirts, and I mean I
(23:02):
even have if someone was to go back on a carpet,
they would see a bruise on my arm, and I
I just I didn't tell anyone, and I didn't say
anything because I was so made to believe that it
was my fault or it resulted his actions resulted was
(23:26):
a result because of what I did, and that's what
I was made to believe. So you know, why would
I want to tell, you know, our mutual friend or
like when he saw the bruises, I mean he didn't
even I mean I think he probably had a little inclination,
but you know, he didn't, he didn't say anything, and
so but yeah, I just I feel like I didn't
(23:47):
say anything because I was also like, well, it must
be my fault. I must deserve this, which was the
biggest piece for me in therapy, the last rock for
me to basically throw in the stream because I thought
that's but I truly deserved. I thought I deserved abuse,
and after years of having that abuse, how could I
not think that.
Speaker 5 (24:08):
Yeah, I think internally I felt like whenever I did
get abure, like I was yelled at or whatever he did,
I always felt like, oh.
Speaker 4 (24:15):
Gosh, I must have done it.
Speaker 5 (24:16):
I felt internally I did something wrong, Like he made
me believe that I did something that I deserve that,
And that's how I pretty much was.
Speaker 4 (24:26):
That's my mile, was my mindset throughout the relationship.
Speaker 5 (24:29):
So I do remember when I did final lately, my
best friend was like, I don't know how I didn't
see it.
Speaker 4 (24:36):
She's like, you just you kept it so well put together.
Speaker 5 (24:39):
Your house was immaculate, You were immaculate, the kids, the food,
that anytime you have guessed. I mean, she's like, I
can't believe I let that pass by me. But yeah,
I think it was a lot of just like the
shame of one people not believing me, two afraid of
his reaction, and three he would react and then if
(25:01):
I didn't get out, I'd be stuck with that and
then how do I how do I manage that?
Speaker 4 (25:06):
At that point? Will he hurt me more? Will he?
Speaker 5 (25:09):
It's almost like you're scared to tell anyone because if
you can't get out of it, you're stuck. You're stuck
with it, and then you have to kind of figure
it out.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Did your kids ever see the abuse?
Speaker 4 (25:21):
Yeah, my kids were actually abused as well as you have.
Is where I have two boys.
Speaker 5 (25:28):
But that is the strength, that is where I got
my strength, to be honest, when I started seeing.
Speaker 3 (25:34):
Makes that's fair.
Speaker 5 (25:38):
When I saw the abuse to my children and I
looked at them and I was like, I can't let
them down, Like I cannot let this happen to them,
and I need to break the cycle because I don't
want them to become him. And that is you know,
there is moments my son let youngest son, you know,
they've been through a lot of therapy. My youngest son
(26:01):
was abused more than my oldest, and he remembers it.
He doesn't see his father right now, he hasn't seen
him for eleven months, but he saw it. I used
to hover over him because I didn't want him to
get hit by the belt. So I got hit by
the belt. And he remembers those moments because they were
so traumatic. And I think for me, it's just that
(26:26):
is where I got my strength, is the boys and
just looking at them and being like, I brought them
into this world with this monster, and I have a
responsibility to at least save them or at least get
them out of this so they have a fair chance
in life. And that is where my strength came from,
to be honest, because I don't know if I could
have done it if I didn't have childre like, I
(26:46):
don't know if I would have ever gotten out.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
Is the pivotal moment for you? Is that the pivotal moment,
the belt moment? When you go back to that or
do you remember? You know? Sometimes I think when we're
in these really wildly unfair intense situations, there's this almost
odd of body moment that we have where we're like,
what is happening and how do I get out of this?
(27:11):
Was there ever that moment for you? What was the
pivotal moment if you can pinpoint one. I mean, I'm
sure it was a collectioner, but there usually comes with
some sort of like awakening where you're just like, like
you just said, yeah, I can't let them be like him.
Speaker 5 (27:25):
So I had three, and I know every I have
three very pivotal moments that all happened back to back
to back. The first one was CPS knocked on my
door and someone anonymously had called because they were so
afraid that me and the kids were in danger. That
was one moment where I was like, holy cow, someone
(27:47):
is seeing this happening and that they're afraid, and that's
what I was like, Wow, yay someone saw it. Was
almost like, oh my gosh, thank god, someone is seeing
this right. But in the moment home and I was
so afraid of CPS that.
Speaker 4 (28:04):
I didn't know how to handle it. So that was one.
Speaker 5 (28:06):
Number two was Father's Day weekend the same year that
I left, which was in June. There was a soccer
tournament and he was the only dad that didn't go
and I took the kids and there was a moment
where all the dad stood with the kids to take
a picture, and my son comes to me and goes, mom.
He like, I'm the only one without a dad.
Speaker 4 (28:28):
What do I do?
Speaker 5 (28:30):
And I looked and he'd intentionally not wanted to come.
He wanted to stay home and do whatever he was doing.
So I looked at my son and I was like,
it's okay, honey, you just go stand next to your friend.
But I was like, this is not how I want
to raise my children. One, you're not a good father,
You're abusive. But now your son is like feeling this
feeling of like your presence not being here, and he's
(28:53):
he's feeling it at this age. And then the third
was when I got strangled, and that was when I decided.
I felt like my life flashed before my eyes and
I was like, I'm if I don't leave, I'm gonna
die or one of my children are gonna is gonna
end up dead. And then I felt like I had
some premonitions. I just kept seeing something really bad happening,
(29:15):
and I just was like, I can't stay.
Speaker 4 (29:16):
I have to go.
Speaker 5 (29:17):
And that is the day I decided I'm done, but
it all happened. They all happened very back to back.
It was like May, June, July.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
Is there alcohol or drugs involved with him at all?
At this point?
Speaker 4 (29:31):
Alcohol? Yesh, drugs.
Speaker 3 (29:35):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
What's interesting is neither was my first one was alcohol,
but like not not super drunk. The other one no, none,
not a stitch of drugs or alcohol.
Speaker 5 (29:51):
And that's funny you say that it was alcohol, but
it was always like one drink and I was like,
how is he turning into this bipolar monster with wine drink?
And I'm looking at him and I'm like, oh my goodness.
And I also always called it the Friday night, the
Friday nights. It was a Friday nights where I was
always on edge because that was the night he had
his drink. That was the night that everything would happen.
(30:13):
So Friday nights, I was very cautious not to bite
people over, not to make plans. I was very very
cautious of that day because every Friday night was something.
Every it would always pop off on a Friday, and
I just I just Fridays became like stay home, get
the kids to bed, go to my parents, like do
something where I'm not in the presence of him, because
(30:35):
there was always an episode on a Friday. So it's
interesting though that you say it was not like he
was drunk. It was like one drink maybe two, and
I would be like, why is he acting like how
is he acting like this after one drink?
Speaker 1 (31:04):
So tell us about when you decided to leave and
how that went.
Speaker 5 (31:09):
So I was strangled the evening of July third of
twenty nineteen, and that's when I had my awakening. I
woke up and I remember just thinking like, how am
I going to get out of here?
Speaker 4 (31:23):
How am I going to leave? How am I going
to tell my parents?
Speaker 5 (31:26):
So the first step I did, the first thing I
had to do was tell my parents everything.
Speaker 4 (31:30):
Which was very difficult.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
Did they believe you?
Speaker 4 (31:35):
They did?
Speaker 5 (31:36):
Yeah, and I was They did, and my mom was like,
this is We're getting you out. We're done, you know.
My dad was still hopeful, like, let's you know, it's
a tradition, the culture, the Persian you know, kind of
like let's work through this, Let's see how we can,
let's see if we can talk to him, and let's
(31:57):
see what I'm like.
Speaker 4 (31:58):
Dad like, no, there's no fixing this. I'm done. So
that was the struggle with my dad.
Speaker 3 (32:04):
But were they shocked when you told them?
Speaker 4 (32:07):
Oh yeah, my mom was like what, like he put
his hands on you?
Speaker 5 (32:13):
Like they were like they they I think they were
getting the gist of the him not being a good
dad to the kids and him being kind of.
Speaker 4 (32:23):
Verbally abusive here and there.
Speaker 5 (32:25):
My mom saw a few episodes with him, you know,
he didn't get along with his family. They were they
were watching, so the shock was there, but they were
almost they were more shocked at the physical abuse, like
the strangle, the strangulation that happened. I think they were
almost relieved. My mom was almost relieved. But it was
very hard for them. It was not easy, and I
(32:47):
had to do everything under behind closed doors, Like I
was to hire an attorney, like I had to borrow
money from my dad.
Speaker 4 (32:54):
I couldn't have him find out I was talking to an attorney.
Speaker 5 (32:57):
I had to I almost had to fake it to
keep it like calm, like you know, my parents tried
to talk to him.
Speaker 4 (33:04):
He admitted everything to my parents. He wanted to go
to therapy.
Speaker 5 (33:07):
So I kind of had to like really keep it,
like let's try to make this work out, like I
didn't want to, Like he could not find out I
had an attorney. I didn't know what he would do,
and because I needed the restraining order, so I was
very I was on eggshells trying to figure it out
and maneuver it.
Speaker 4 (33:25):
And it was scary. I had the kids.
Speaker 5 (33:27):
I think I'd moved out and I was with my
parents for a while. I told him I didn't want
to live with him because of what he did. So
I walked across the street and lived with my parents
with the kids. I took the kids with a law.
It was like, very very difficult. It was I. I
was just scared because I was like, what's going to
happen if he finds out before I serve him in
(33:49):
the papers, before I get the restraining order? What if
I don't get the restraining order? Then what is he
going to do? Like it was very scary.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Do you have a restraining order in place now?
Speaker 4 (33:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (33:59):
So the time from the day I served him, which
was I believed August nineteenth of twenty nineteen, was when
I served, like, gave the paperwork in but I got
awarded the no contact restraining order and since then I've
had it and I got it awarded on October twenty
eighth of twenty twenty two, a five year restraining or
(34:21):
three year restraint, a five year restraining order. And then
I also got a three year restraining order just recently
through the County of Santa Clara because he was charged
through the county through our county as well.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
And then your son, one of your sons isn't seeing him,
but what do the other one? Does he see him?
And how does that work.
Speaker 5 (34:39):
With So the no contact was awarded both for myself
and the children through the family through family court.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
And he's trying to sue you know, right.
Speaker 5 (34:50):
Yeah, I mean, he's constantly coming after me for getting
more time. But the kids have had supervision almost the
entire time through my dad did it in the beginning
to keep it cool. Then him and my dad had
an altercation, so then we had a professional supervisor. Then
(35:10):
this professional supervisor had an altercation with him. He almost
I mean he almost got in a fight with him
in front of the kids. Then we went to therapeutic supervision,
and that's been what's been going on for the last
two years, I think. But there's a therapeutic supervisor there
for the visitation and right now my oldest son is
(35:31):
only seeing him two hours a month with a supervisor.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
And he wants to see him.
Speaker 4 (35:37):
I assume my older son.
Speaker 5 (35:40):
Yes, there's a very different dynamic between my oldest and
my youngest.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
Sure, And how old is your oldest fourteen?
Speaker 2 (35:49):
What is your belief about yourself now going through the
domestic violence and everything that you went through.
Speaker 5 (35:58):
So in the moment of it, I would say, why me,
Why is this happening? And never understood why I ended
up with this man, why I made the decisions I.
Speaker 4 (36:10):
Made, Why it took me so long?
Speaker 5 (36:13):
And then I realized recently, I think in the last
year or two, I feel like it was my I
feel like it's my purpose. I feel like because I
went through what I did and the horrificness of it,
and even now the post separation abuse, I feel like
I was supposed to go through this to be.
Speaker 4 (36:32):
A voice for others.
Speaker 5 (36:34):
And I truly believe that, I truly believe my circumstances,
my experience, and the craziness of it all was meant
to happen so that I can create a platform and
be a voice for women all around the world. And
I've started a jewelry company with a platform for women empowerment,
(36:57):
and I'm doing everything I can to just get my
store out after six years. I've it's almost been six
years since I left, and I finally feel strong enough
and ready and feel like I'm ready to use my
voice for a greater purpose.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
That's that's a beautiful place. I feel like there's because
for me, my struggle has been the abuser's voice has
always been louder than my own voice, and so I've
been so quiet about certain things because I'm like, well,
that happened. He pushed me, and that happened because of X.
(37:33):
I'll always go to the where he would place the
blame on me, and so then I just go, well,
it was it was okay, or it was fine, or
he did this because of because I did this, or
because you know I said this or whatever. And so
I think that has been like the piece that I've
(37:53):
struggled with posts even sharing certain things, because I'm like, well,
I still like sometimes their.
Speaker 3 (37:59):
Voice is louder than.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
All of it, and so then I just kind of
shy shy away from it, which is not the right
thing to do, right because you want to help other women.
So what would be your advice to someone that wants
to get out, that is trying to get out of something,
but yet they hear the abuser's voice in their head
louder than their own.
Speaker 5 (38:18):
It's really hard to say this, but it's just to
take a leap and don't be afraid because the nightmare
you're living and now, like, whatever you do to move
forward is going to be better than where you are.
So I always tell my I mean, I've helped few
women and I tell them, listen, what you're going through.
Now you see how horrible it is. Now think you're
(38:40):
out of it, and what is the worst that can happen?
Like if you really think if it's a financial part
you're scared of, if it's you know, not having you
know you already don't have your friends because he's already
secluded you, Like, what is it? And to really navigate
what is it that you're afraid of?
Speaker 4 (38:55):
What is it?
Speaker 5 (38:55):
What are your most afraid of? And then how to
navigate that fear and to really try to So I've
noticed there's a lack of support within a lot of
TV victims that are trying to get out. And I've
seen that, you know, they get secluded from their abuser
secludes them number one, so their from network is very small.
(39:17):
They're afraid because people don't believe them. There's a lack
of support, and I feel part of my job, I
want to create a support or something where I can
these women can feel safe or they need to talk
to someone to because it just takes a little bit
of confidence, a little bit of I believe in myself,
a little bit like I can do this. And I
(39:39):
feel like if they have that, that is the biggest
step that they have to take to get beyond that fear.
And I think that was what it was for me.
It was a lot of fear. And I think if
we can help navigate that fear and just to believe
in yourself and to be like this, you're going to
be okay. And I think that's where I that's where
(40:00):
I see it for most victims is the fear of
the unknown, like what's going to happen next?
Speaker 4 (40:07):
And how can I support that?
Speaker 2 (40:09):
It's so hard when you're in it, But it's like
to Christen's point, it's like I always remember each moment
was my like okay, I'm out, you know, the night
of being strangled, or you know, writing in my diary,
I think he's going to kill me, Like having those
moments like okay, I either have to get out or
this guy guy's going to kill me. So it's just
(40:30):
there's always that that moment you go back to you're like,
all right, now is the time.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
But it's it's hard.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
And you know the women that I mean, watch the
things on freaking Netflix and how the guy kills you know,
the girlfriend or the wife or and it's just it's all,
it's just awful.
Speaker 3 (40:47):
I think it's also worth really noting how slow it starts.
Like I think the misconception is that it's just one hundred,
you know, zero to one hundred and like five minutes.
But and sometimes that is the case, but in cases
like you and cases that I've known really intimately in
my life, it's such a slow chip away. It's the isolation,
(41:11):
it's the control of phone finances, free time, what you're wearing,
how you look like. It's just so slow that I
that it's and so calculated that it's hard for anyone
to even really know that there may be even fully
in it because it's such a gradual change.
Speaker 4 (41:32):
Yeah, it is. It's scary. It's almost scary.
Speaker 5 (41:34):
How slow and gradual it is, and then it's by
the time time you're in it, you're like, holy moly,
like and then you have an awakening moment because like
for me, I was like, I didn't know what love
bombing was.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
I don't think a lot of us did, or do
you know.
Speaker 5 (41:50):
Yeah, I didn't know what, you know, narcissists was. I
didn't know what I didn't know. You know, abuse can
be emotional and mental financial. Looking back on it now, oh,
I have to work for him that I wasn't allowed.
I wanted to go to law school. Nope, we're going
to start a company and you're gonna work for me.
Speaker 3 (42:06):
And he's two doors down from your parents at this point.
I mean he really came down.
Speaker 5 (42:11):
He came in strong, and he was logistically yeah, and
it was to me, I think it's very calculated because
that is like, and when I look back on it now,
if I had a boyfriend moved down the street from me, I'd.
Speaker 4 (42:23):
Be like, what are you doing? Like are you kidding me?
Speaker 3 (42:25):
Well, even when you say you moved, you know that
you're like I moved in with my parents. I'm thinking,
bless your brave and bold, nervous system for the feelings,
because nearly even when you're across the street, I mean
that doesn't there's a little layer of safety because you're
with your parents, but he's still just right there.
Speaker 5 (42:44):
Oh yeah, I couldn't. I don't think I slept very much.
I think I was just like, is he gonna barge?
I mean he's very capable, of course, I like, is
he gonna barge through?
Speaker 4 (42:54):
Like is I've seen?
Speaker 5 (42:55):
I mean his temper is zero to one hundred, Like
there's I mean, I'm looking I'm thinking now because it's
all coming back to me because.
Speaker 4 (43:01):
I feel like I've blocked out a lot of it.
Speaker 5 (43:03):
Yeah, but I'm getting when you're speaking, I'm getting these
like spurts and memories, but they're yeah, so you're I'm thinking,
like lock the doors, turn on the arm. Like I
didn't know how to use a gun. I didn't get
a gun until uh recently learning how to shoot it
because I live on my own. Now, I'm like, holy moly,
what's going to happen? I remember calling my friends like
can I have private security? Like how do I manage this?
(43:26):
But you kind of get into survival mode and you
kind of just it's I don't know how to explain it,
but you just have to figure it out and you
have no other choice, and you're like, I'm just gonna
figure this out, and I don't know how I'm gonna
do it.
Speaker 2 (43:38):
But and then even so, like I was just telling
the girls too, I mean, there's still things that come
up from when I was nineteen years old, from like
my first abuser. So it's like, it's crazy how I'm like, God,
I thought I've already kind of worked through all this,
but there's moments in life that come up and it's
like it triggers back to that and I'm like, oh
(43:58):
my god, It's like it stays so much in you.
It's like it is such a big piece of me
that those times, in those things in my life.
Speaker 5 (44:07):
So yeah, so there's been a lot of post separation
abuse for me and there still is. So six years
down the line, I've been out of it, but I've
had to manage post separation abuse and I still am
dealing with it.
Speaker 4 (44:19):
So it's very it's a daily.
Speaker 5 (44:21):
Thing for me, but I've learned how to just take
it out, put it in a category, and not let
it affect my everyday life and my friends sometimes look
at me and they're like, it's a miracle that you
are out of that life and that you are where
you are. It's like they don't understand it because they
knew how or they've seen how crazy he's been acting,
(44:44):
or have seen it through last six years of the
things that he's done, how capable he is, and they're just.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
Like, Wow, Yeah, Nillie, where could our listeners if they're
going through this, where can they reach out to you?
And you know, because you said you're helping people too.
Speaker 5 (45:06):
So I've created Glory Jewelry, which is actually I'm wearying it.
It's a butterfly collection that I've launched just in March,
and it's called set Me Free. So i have my
Instagram handle which is Glory Jewelry Store, which is a
platform for women empowerment, and I'm also creating partnerships with
(45:27):
organizations that can help people that are going through what
they're going through and trying to create that support and
that confidence and that just empowering women through it. And
then also my personal handle which is just Nilly Danesh.
They can always reach out to me there. I'm very
(45:48):
I've had a lot of women reach out to me
on both on both handles, and I'm very open to
helping and providing support.
Speaker 4 (45:55):
However I can honestly.
Speaker 2 (45:57):
So well, thank you Nilly so much for coming on
and thank you for having me. If you need help
or if you know someone, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
It's one eight hundred and seven nine nine seven two
three three. Reach out to me, reach out to Nilly,
reach out to anyone. There's a lot of people that
I talk to in my DMS about this, and usually
(46:20):
you know, it's I always say, go to a therapist,
go to people like that. But there's also you know,
Nili and I we've been through it, and we can at.
Speaker 4 (46:28):
Least at least guide you try to.
Speaker 2 (46:30):
Try to guide. I mean I can't. I can't ever
tell someone to do. I'm like, this is my experience,
this is what I would say. But you know, at
the end of the day, hopefully the more people you
talk to will tell you it's not right and you
know how to tell how to get out.
Speaker 5 (46:44):
And I think sometimes which the National Hotline is great,
but what I think is sometimes when someone going through
is speaking to an actual survivor and there's they can
resonate with you, it's a lot, it's a it's that
connection almost and I feel like calling a hotline.
Speaker 4 (47:02):
It's hard. You're calling on random hotline and I don't
discourage it at all. Please do call it. But I'm
here for that, just one on one connection to just
guide and support how I can, however that is, and
not telling you what to do or how you should
do it, but just kind of guiding you through my
own experience.
Speaker 2 (47:20):
Like you said, Yeah, well, I'm sorry you had to
go through what you did, but like you said, you're
using it for good and the platform and to help
other people. So thank you Nelly very much for coming
on sharing your story, you for having me well chat
Sank you know. Thanks, Okay, bye Gray
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hy ladies, Hi, Hi, how are we?
Speaker 3 (00:12):
We're good? How are you? I'm good?
Speaker 4 (00:14):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Oh no, no, no, I'm good. I've just been like
it's been one of those where I I'm trying to
figure out what to do. Uh.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
That's actually the story of my life right now, just
that trying to figure out what to do.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
It's it's just hard because I we don't have so
we remember we were having like we had part time
uh sitter where she would come two to three times
a week. Today is her last day, and I'm still
at that place where I'm like, I don't it's it's
it's really hard because we went to go see the daycare,
which I then talked to McKenzie and she's like, no,
they left right they're going.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
To she said, I think, well, I think the other
one did already you just talked about the other day.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Said it's changed a lot, and and and then you know,
I don't think he's ready for one nap because I
mean he's he's not even one yet, and that's when
they go to one. I'm like, he can barely make
it to nine thirty like you're just trying to stretch
him to three hours, Like, no way, that kid's getting
to five. Yeah, and I'm not ready to drop them, yeah,
but trying to find part time work is difficult. And
(01:13):
then you know, with my work and my very up
and down schedule, it's like and then the nannies now
are just so expensive, and I'm like, I'm having a
really hard time with what I would pay for a nanny,
and then knowing that I pay child support and so
my I'm getting like that angry feeling again with my
(01:36):
ex where it's like I have like that resentment boiling
up again, where I'm like, you have them eight days
a month, eight to ten days a month, and I
have to pay X amount of money to you. It's
it's and I got to pay, and like I know,
he's like in his defense, he'd be like, well, I
didn't tell you to have another baby, you know what
I mean. But also like it's still just like I
don't know, I have like that like anger piece of
me that i'm and then I'm trying to figure out, well,
(01:56):
maybe I'll just be a stay at home mom and
like you know, but then I'll like, no baby you
have you're gonna have to like find something, and like
his job stuff up is up in the air, and
then you know, then I'm like, I'll just I'll just
I just got this. I got this until the end
of the year, right, And so I come up with that,
I'm like, at least I'm just gonna get to them.
So I felt really confident in that where I'm like,
it's the end of like the season. Not many things
(02:19):
come up, you know, So I'm like, we're gonna be fine.
It's like we'll we'll reassess like both of our stuff
and what's happening. Because I got a movie offer for
the next year, so I'm like, that's next year. It's
either March April May, like they're they're not sure yet.
So I'm like, I we've got some time to breathe.
Let me just like enjoy these last few months and
like just you know, all of us and being little
(02:40):
and and then Alex calls me yesterday. She's like, hey,
are you available to a movie for three three weeks
in November. And I was like, yeah, yes, I know,
but but then also I'm but then you know, she
hasn't called me back. I'm like She's just like it's
like that, like U, I'm like, well, I don't, and
this is exactly why I feel like I need to
pay someone to be available and they have.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
And it's hate to say it what we had to do.
I mean, it's your world where you just don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
But it's just painful to know how much I'd be
paying out for childcare.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Yeah, I understand that, and.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Then I just get angry but all I had to do.
But this is very interesting because there's a piece of
something that came up in therapy. So this episode is obviously,
well not obviously, no one knows. This month is Domestic
Violence Awareness Month and we have a survivor that's coming
on the show to talk about DV. But it was
interesting because something from this situation like brought up something
(03:34):
from the past of one of my past abusers feeling
like trapped and held down. And it's crazy how even
things from our past can come in. I know that's
kind of like a sidebar moment, but anyways, but I
can't really say how and who it's connected with, but
it all just kind of brings up that like tense
feeling of just like not being able to breathe. Yeah, well,
(03:54):
and I think I don't know if that makes sense.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
No, it does, and I'm curious.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
I understand why you're connecting the two, but also, do
you think you're able to separate those in your mind
a little bit? The child support and child care? I mean,
you see what I'm saying. I feel like that would
help you mentally.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Fair we can discuss why the piece.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Got it understood because I think it just feels like it,
knowing only what you just said, it feels like it
would be helpful to be able to separate that piece
because they don't go hand in hand.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
No, and less, there's more to the story, but I.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Understand it. I just feel like it would be helpful
if it was able to.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
You know, we moved a full time because for eight
years I tried to do the oh, I'll just have
someone on Wednesdays when I do a podcast or what
and it's so exhaust and if it does change, you're
just screwed. So I told Preston, like, you know, I
that's why we're really lucky because we have a utility player,
(05:02):
like she's helping me grow the brand's publishing the podcast,
she's doing all the things I'm very, very lucky. It's
still a ton of money. Like, it's a lot of money.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah, well, nanny's are starting at thirty Like I have
another interview today at two thirty after this, and it's
her starting points thirty dollars an hour for forty hour guarantee.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
And I'm just like, yeah, like, but there is a flexibility,
I'll say, like even here, you know, like if we
change a time, I'm like, I got it, or I
can do it, like because if you do part time,
you're just piecing it together. And I would say peace
of mind comes with its own price tag fty one.
But we're doing it.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
But also it seems god, because I remember this so vividly,
it seems like such, it's really not that long of
a time.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
No, it's not, you know what I mean. I look
and look, it's like five years.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
Look at how much money I spent in those years
on childcare because I mean I worked in an office.
I always had to pay somebody. Now it's got a
little bit more expensive. But I had a full time
nanny when Ramsey was born and my other kid was born.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
I mean, it was it was a lot.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
Yeah, But now I'm like, man does the rest of
the years, Like I don't have to pay for that anymore.
Like it really is kind of short lived too. In
the middle of it, it feels very but if you
can kind of look at it long term, like it
really is only kind of a short period of time,
and eventually he will probably go to school, a kind
of school before he even goes to.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
School, so really it might not even be really four
years right at the most. Yeah, and if you dwindle
it down, it's really not that much.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Yeah, it's interesting. I'm going to get for this, but
I'll stand behind it. When we were doing the EMDR
on the child, because I'm like, I don't want to
be angry. I like where my ex and I are at,
where we're able to have where I can truly separate
my ex marriage feelings with him and how I felt
with him in that relationship. And this is the only
(06:56):
piece that like, I have any sort of anger or
resentment or frustration with because I felt like he took
so much during our marriage that I'm like, and you're
still taking sure. I understand why. I understand the legal thing.
I understand this is helping him pay for his place
for the kids and the kids need a place as well.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
But I also know, yeah, so.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
That that piece is just like the only piece that
like I rub up against where I feel like we
can't have that like one hundred percent perfect relationship because
I just feel like he's still trying to like take
from me, and where through some of the AMDR work
that I can share in that is there was a
piece I like started to cry, you know.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
She stops it and she's like, oh, what are you feeling?
Speaker 2 (07:41):
And I was like, I would pay anything to not
be with him, where it's almost like this in that
moment of something that had happened, where I was like,
I would pay you this much to be out of this,
And it's almost like in my freedom check in a
way to like not be with him. It's like a
weird way to justify it, but in my brain, I
was like, I'd rather the life that I have now
(08:04):
so much more than like what I was going through.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
We called it the freedom fee when I went through, oh,
in previous marriage, and it wasn't anything like this financially
because we didn't have children, but I was left with
everything in my name, all of the debt, all of
the rent, all of the you know, like all of it,
and so it was it was like but then I
got to the point where I was just like, it's
the fee of peace of mind, it's the fee of freedom,
(08:28):
it's the you know and lovely person, find person whatever,
all similar feelings. Ish just also not my person, so
it costs.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
But I also understand it's like the core and like
it's what I have, and it's like it's sure for
my kids, but also aged ten days out of the month,
it's just it's like you that's not.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
I know.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
This is the part where I just have a hard time,
yea with it.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
I think it's really fair and very valid to struggle
with that. I would super struggle with that. Mm hmm.
I'm like, I always commend you on how you even
handle any of it. Actually, I just try to be
I will say this though one theory and maybe this
will help you because you and I are wired so similarly,
I think.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
And it's only coming up because I feel like I
have to pay.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
More for sure, Yeah yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
I also and that's my that's my situation, you know,
that's our that's my an Alan situation, you know, like
I can't loop him into the anger of that. But
it's just when I you know that, I become the
the girl that you know gets scared of losing. And
when I don't have what, I didn't grow up with it,
you know, So I go into that like scarcity. I
don't have I don't have the money to do it.
That's what I was just going to say.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
I think that I rest in this, and I promise
you it is proven one hundred percent in my life.
God always provides in the gaps. He always provides in
the gaps. He just does in the weirdest ways, in
ways we would never even think that you would get
extra work or extra money or extra anything, because if
(09:54):
you lack somewhere, he will always supplement and make up
the different.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
And I can't come like I'm sitting here and I
hate I just but I do. I'm so fortunate, I'm
so grateful, I'm so like all the things.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
You can be all those things and still frustrated. I know.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
I struggle with like that. I like being allowed to
feel that, which is you.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Don't struggle with a problem like absolutely you struggle with
like feeling like you're allowed to feel that way.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Or like to be judged to me, feeling that way
ye where it's like, oh my gosh, like you like,
for example, when I post that about the perneuveo, like,
how could you be posting about something that you know
is expensive? And I'm like, I'm in a grateful situation
where I can, you know, even have the opportunity to
have a nanny and the opportunity to have a beautiful home,
and you know, so I I and when people are
struggling to buy groceries, and like I get that piece
(10:43):
of why am I sitting here on a platform being
like my poor me?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
But Janna, if you didn't talk about that as an option,
I wouldn't know that thing existed, do you know what
I mean? Like, there's it's very common in our world
that we know about this full scan body thing, but
like there's people that don't know about that, and you
have two million people that now can know about that
if they're in a situation where that's helpful.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
I think it's also a good thing to point out.
Not to change it from that, but back to the
childcare thing, it is good to know that someone in
your situation, Okay, you are very fortunate, is also kind
of struggling with paying that kind of now let's talk
about the people that are not as fortunate as you are.
I think it's bringing instead of you feeling like, oh,
(11:27):
I'm not allowed to feel that way, it's bringing kind
of awareness to like, look how expensive childcare is, Like
whether you can afford it or not afford it, everyone
has to have it pretty much unless you're staying home.
But then they're making a choice a lot of times
to stay home because they can't afford it. So I
think it's a very important topic to understand, and you're
not complaining, but it is expensive and for some people
(11:49):
that takes almost all of the paycheck, you know what
I mean. And so I think it's just it's good
to talk about and it's good to see that. I
hope people see that you're not complaining in a way
like like you're afraid people will see, but you're like,
you know what, Like this is a lot of money.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
I don't know how people freaking do it.
Speaker 5 (12:07):
Well.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
A lot of people can't.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Is that is a That is why a lot of
women stay home because it would not make sense for them.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
That's what I mean.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Literally, Alan and I went and walk and I was like,
I think I'm just gonna like, I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna be I'm gonna try it, I'm gonna be
stay at home mom, and I'm going to do it.
And then and he's like, well if stuff stuff comes up,
and I'm like, I just don't feel like, I like
why for what? Like okay, so I have to post
or something like I can. I can handle it. Then
when things come up like a movie that and then
I just like throw the wrench again. So now I'm like,
(12:34):
I don't know how to know.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
I just think for what you do, I think the
peace of mind of it is worth all of it.
Speaker 5 (12:44):
Everything I do.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Anyways, Yes, but while we were going through but and
I just want to say again like I'm not trying
to hate on my ex, Like I again, I love
the relationship that we're at. That is just what comes
up for me when I feel like I have to
spend money on you know, on things and for some
reason or not for some reason, but given our history,
(13:06):
that was the piece that I'm like so valid I
could just get frustrated with and hope one day it
can be a fair thing. For maybe one day he'll
be like, I don't want to take it anymore. I
don't know if that day will ever come, and he
technically that day doesn't ever have to come, you know,
like because he isn't his right to always take this
child sport.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
Well, I think maybe I might be speaking for you,
but maybe the hope is that he will get really
motivated and work really hard to also make a good
amount of money, not saying he doesn't, but I'm going
to assume since you're paying him child care, yeah, the
money is still very uneven. So if it were me
in that situation, my hope would be that he'd become
(13:45):
super motivated to really up his amount of money as well.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yeah, and I want that for him, which is why,
like I have him, I'm like, you want to come
on the podcast again, like so I can promote your business, Like, yeah,
I want to, Like I want him to succeed, you know,
of course, But flipping gears I was going through This
is just a really sad and I'm just going to
read this because I can't say who was from. But
(14:11):
so I had the one abuser and then I had
a few after and this one that I was with
for a while. I was reading a text message that
I sent and I'm like, this is just makes me
really sad and I just want to say one time
is too many. This is a text message is sent
to an abuser, okay, and I was reading it last
(14:33):
night and I'm like, this is just so messed up,
because again, one time of someone putting their hands on
you is one time too many. So this is like
my arm is now bruised. Also it hurts, as does
my throat. I understand you wanted your one day to relax,
but you did not have to put your hands on me.
And I know you said you didn't put your hands
on me hard, but you did and you know you
(14:53):
did and then made it hurt harder.
Speaker 4 (14:55):
You know.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
I don't like that. And I told you to never
put your hands on me again, and you have done
it one too much many times and I'm done. I
will not allow you to put your hands on me again.
Question is did I allow him to put his hands
on me again?
Speaker 3 (15:08):
Yes? Yes, It's just messed up.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
And I'm reading this and I'm like when they're like
they say you I know, and I know, and I
know you said you didn't put your hands on me
hard Like that part, I was like, they make you
believe they're like, well, it's not like I did it hard.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
It doesn't fucking matter.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
You puts your hands on me, and then I allow
it again and again and again and again. So here
is the episode to not it's like I say that
because it's like I'm always like, oh, because you guys
could say one time is too many, But until you
are in that situation, it's hard to get out because they.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
Actually grew up in that situation.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Yeah, but we have a survivor coming on Nilly and
then we can all share. I want to hear more
of that story as well. So let's take a break
and then get an Illiam. Hi, Hi, Hi, thank you
(16:16):
so much for coming on. We have a mutual friend,
I believe, and I really wanted to make sure we
had a survivor come on the show and talk about
their experience and to anyone that's listening or that knows
someone that is going through any of this, that they
(16:39):
you know, ways to get out, help and just to
know that they're not alone in it. So would you
mind sharing a piece of your story with us?
Speaker 4 (16:47):
Of course? I mean I don't even know where to start.
Speaker 5 (16:49):
It's I think back on it now and I'm like
Oh my gosh. So I met my ex husband at seventeen,
tried to date me different avenues. He would just show
up places, which was interesting now looking back on it.
Started dating him right after high school and he was
(17:12):
twenty five and I was eighteen, and then it was
the stereotypical love bombing, so you know, told me he
loved me. After ten days, he was going to marry me.
Gave me a key to his place, took me on
lavish dates, bought me lavish gifts.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
Was going to give me the world.
Speaker 5 (17:31):
Met his family like very fast, which is very It's
not very common for my culture to meet a family
that quickly and talk about getting married. It's a really
big deal when you bring someone into your family as a.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
What is your boyfriend ethnicity?
Speaker 5 (17:49):
I'm Persian Iranian, so at least for my family, it's
a very big deal. So when you bring someone in,
it's pretty much like you're going to get married to
this person, or at least you have that. You kind
of have that pressure because you don't you don't bring
people in like that. So he was very adamant to
meet my parents. So it happened very quickly, and then
(18:12):
we dated and then The abuse started probably about seven months.
In six seven months.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
In what was the first signs of abuse, Like what
did you start to start to witness?
Speaker 4 (18:26):
So there was a lot of possessiveness.
Speaker 5 (18:29):
I had to change my number because he didn't want
anyone else, like any guys or anyone contacting me that
I knew, Like he didn't like me talking to I
wasn't allowed to talk to any guys. Didn't about any
friends I had, I wasn't allowed to talk to them.
I had to cut them off. It was very hard
for me to like go out with my friends. Everything
(18:50):
was with him I had. I saw him almost every day.
He started putting me down, like, oh, you need to
get your face lasered, you have like care, like you
need to go do this. So a lot of like
small little things about putting me down about the way
I dressed. Wanted my hair to be black. It had
(19:12):
to be black black, and if it wasn't black enough,
like why isn't it black? Why isn't it black? So
all those little things started happening, and then it was
like the control. Couldn't couldn't do things without him. I
couldn't go on girls' trips. It's very hard for me
to get away, so it became very intertwined in my
life and I had there was a lot of mental
(19:36):
and emotional abuse as the years progressed, and then the
physical abuse was very sporadic and very almost calculated, to
the point he knew kind of not to do it
hard enough to bruise me, or he knew kind of
he kind of knew what he was doing, so he
was very calculated in my opinion. But he bought a
(20:00):
house to you know, four years into the relationship, he
bought a house two houses down from my parents and
thought it was a great idea and we weren't even engaged,
so he had eyes on me all the time, and
looking back on it now, I didn't think much of it,
but now looking back in hindsight, I just felt like
he trapped me in a way where it was very
hard for me to leave him or break up with him.
(20:25):
And you know, I feel like, in hindsight, I was
groomed as well at a very young age to be
a certain way for him and to be a certain
in his eyes, like I want her to be this way,
so I'm going to groom her into what I want
and kind of make her. Honestly, I felt like I
was a slave. So I ended up working for him.
(20:49):
We got engaged, got married, and I just felt very
trapped in that relationship. I feel like I knew I
shouldn't marry him, but because of my culture and my
parents and everyone intertwined, I felt very stuck. So it
was almost like harder to leave because I didn't want
to be shamed because he had been around my family
(21:12):
for almost five years at that point.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Did your family ever see any of the abuse?
Speaker 4 (21:17):
No? I kept it very quiet. Was it was very
some people?
Speaker 2 (21:23):
I mean no, I think for me it's hard because
I didn't really tell my friends what was going on.
I mean, I definitely didn't tell. So my first abuser
when I was nineteen and I had just been strangled
by him, and I went to the only friend that
(21:45):
I had at that time because he completely just isolated
me from everyone. But I went to her house and
she was the only friend that was like, are you
texting him? Because if you are, She's like, you have
to leave.
Speaker 3 (21:59):
I can't.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
I can't see you continue to be with this man
and be treated this way. And you know, I think
always back to that time because I'm like you know,
she was the first one to really call out the behavior,
and you know, I ended up leaving that. I ended
up leaving her house because he was sending me photos
of my dog on the one or on the one
(22:22):
or one freeway or the four or five, I can't remember,
of saying if you don't come back, I'm letting the
dogs go on the expressway. So I obviously left and
I went.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
Back to his place. But when I was.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Abused years later and in a long relationship, I hid
those bruises, even though a mutual friend of ours saw
a very very deep bruise on my arm, to which
my abuser always said, well, you bruise easily. I just
you know, or the big sweatshirts, and I mean I
(23:02):
even have if someone was to go back on a carpet,
they would see a bruise on my arm, and I
I just I didn't tell anyone, and I didn't say
anything because I was so made to believe that it
was my fault or it resulted his actions resulted was
(23:26):
a result because of what I did, and that's what
I was made to believe. So you know, why would
I want to tell, you know, our mutual friend or
like when he saw the bruises, I mean he didn't
even I mean I think he probably had a little inclination,
but you know, he didn't, he didn't say anything, and
so but yeah, I just I feel like I didn't
(23:47):
say anything because I was also like, well, it must
be my fault. I must deserve this, which was the
biggest piece for me in therapy, the last rock for
me to basically throw in the stream because I thought
that's but I truly deserved. I thought I deserved abuse,
and after years of having that abuse, how could I
not think that.
Speaker 5 (24:08):
Yeah, I think internally I felt like whenever I did
get abure, like I was yelled at or whatever he did,
I always felt like, oh.
Speaker 4 (24:15):
Gosh, I must have done it.
Speaker 5 (24:16):
I felt internally I did something wrong, Like he made
me believe that I did something that I deserve that,
And that's how I pretty much was.
Speaker 4 (24:26):
That's my mile, was my mindset throughout the relationship.
Speaker 5 (24:29):
So I do remember when I did final lately, my
best friend was like, I don't know how I didn't
see it.
Speaker 4 (24:36):
She's like, you just you kept it so well put together.
Speaker 5 (24:39):
Your house was immaculate, You were immaculate, the kids, the food,
that anytime you have guessed. I mean, she's like, I
can't believe I let that pass by me. But yeah,
I think it was a lot of just like the
shame of one people not believing me, two afraid of
his reaction, and three he would react and then if
(25:01):
I didn't get out, I'd be stuck with that and
then how do I how do I manage that?
Speaker 4 (25:06):
At that point? Will he hurt me more? Will he?
Speaker 5 (25:09):
It's almost like you're scared to tell anyone because if
you can't get out of it, you're stuck. You're stuck
with it, and then you have to kind of figure
it out.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Did your kids ever see the abuse?
Speaker 4 (25:21):
Yeah, my kids were actually abused as well as you have.
Is where I have two boys.
Speaker 5 (25:28):
But that is the strength, that is where I got
my strength, to be honest, when I started seeing.
Speaker 3 (25:34):
Makes that's fair.
Speaker 5 (25:38):
When I saw the abuse to my children and I
looked at them and I was like, I can't let
them down, Like I cannot let this happen to them,
and I need to break the cycle because I don't
want them to become him. And that is you know,
there is moments my son let youngest son, you know,
they've been through a lot of therapy. My youngest son
(26:01):
was abused more than my oldest, and he remembers it.
He doesn't see his father right now, he hasn't seen
him for eleven months, but he saw it. I used
to hover over him because I didn't want him to
get hit by the belt. So I got hit by
the belt. And he remembers those moments because they were
so traumatic. And I think for me, it's just that
(26:26):
is where I got my strength, is the boys and
just looking at them and being like, I brought them
into this world with this monster, and I have a
responsibility to at least save them or at least get
them out of this so they have a fair chance
in life. And that is where my strength came from,
to be honest, because I don't know if I could
have done it if I didn't have childre like, I
(26:46):
don't know if I would have ever gotten out.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
Is the pivotal moment for you? Is that the pivotal moment,
the belt moment? When you go back to that or
do you remember? You know? Sometimes I think when we're
in these really wildly unfair intense situations, there's this almost
odd of body moment that we have where we're like,
what is happening and how do I get out of this?
(27:11):
Was there ever that moment for you? What was the
pivotal moment if you can pinpoint one. I mean, I'm
sure it was a collectioner, but there usually comes with
some sort of like awakening where you're just like, like
you just said, yeah, I can't let them be like him.
Speaker 5 (27:25):
So I had three, and I know every I have
three very pivotal moments that all happened back to back
to back. The first one was CPS knocked on my
door and someone anonymously had called because they were so
afraid that me and the kids were in danger. That
was one moment where I was like, holy cow, someone
(27:47):
is seeing this happening and that they're afraid, and that's
what I was like, Wow, yay someone saw it. Was
almost like, oh my gosh, thank god, someone is seeing
this right. But in the moment home and I was
so afraid of CPS that.
Speaker 4 (28:04):
I didn't know how to handle it. So that was one.
Speaker 5 (28:06):
Number two was Father's Day weekend the same year that
I left, which was in June. There was a soccer
tournament and he was the only dad that didn't go
and I took the kids and there was a moment
where all the dad stood with the kids to take
a picture, and my son comes to me and goes, mom.
He like, I'm the only one without a dad.
Speaker 4 (28:28):
What do I do?
Speaker 5 (28:30):
And I looked and he'd intentionally not wanted to come.
He wanted to stay home and do whatever he was doing.
So I looked at my son and I was like,
it's okay, honey, you just go stand next to your friend.
But I was like, this is not how I want
to raise my children. One, you're not a good father,
You're abusive. But now your son is like feeling this
feeling of like your presence not being here, and he's
(28:53):
he's feeling it at this age. And then the third
was when I got strangled, and that was when I decided.
I felt like my life flashed before my eyes and
I was like, I'm if I don't leave, I'm gonna
die or one of my children are gonna is gonna
end up dead. And then I felt like I had
some premonitions. I just kept seeing something really bad happening,
(29:15):
and I just was like, I can't stay.
Speaker 4 (29:16):
I have to go.
Speaker 5 (29:17):
And that is the day I decided I'm done, but
it all happened. They all happened very back to back.
It was like May, June, July.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
Is there alcohol or drugs involved with him at all?
At this point?
Speaker 4 (29:31):
Alcohol? Yesh, drugs.
Speaker 3 (29:35):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
What's interesting is neither was my first one was alcohol,
but like not not super drunk. The other one no, none,
not a stitch of drugs or alcohol.
Speaker 5 (29:51):
And that's funny you say that it was alcohol, but
it was always like one drink and I was like,
how is he turning into this bipolar monster with wine drink?
And I'm looking at him and I'm like, oh my goodness.
And I also always called it the Friday night, the
Friday nights. It was a Friday nights where I was
always on edge because that was the night he had
his drink. That was the night that everything would happen.
(30:13):
So Friday nights, I was very cautious not to bite
people over, not to make plans. I was very very
cautious of that day because every Friday night was something.
Every it would always pop off on a Friday, and
I just I just Fridays became like stay home, get
the kids to bed, go to my parents, like do
something where I'm not in the presence of him, because
(30:35):
there was always an episode on a Friday. So it's
interesting though that you say it was not like he
was drunk. It was like one drink maybe two, and
I would be like, why is he acting like how
is he acting like this after one drink?
Speaker 1 (31:04):
So tell us about when you decided to leave and
how that went.
Speaker 5 (31:09):
So I was strangled the evening of July third of
twenty nineteen, and that's when I had my awakening. I
woke up and I remember just thinking like, how am
I going to get out of here?
Speaker 4 (31:23):
How am I going to leave? How am I going
to tell my parents?
Speaker 5 (31:26):
So the first step I did, the first thing I
had to do was tell my parents everything.
Speaker 4 (31:30):
Which was very difficult.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
Did they believe you?
Speaker 4 (31:35):
They did?
Speaker 5 (31:36):
Yeah, and I was They did, and my mom was like,
this is We're getting you out. We're done, you know.
My dad was still hopeful, like, let's you know, it's
a tradition, the culture, the Persian you know, kind of
like let's work through this, Let's see how we can,
let's see if we can talk to him, and let's
(31:57):
see what I'm like.
Speaker 4 (31:58):
Dad like, no, there's no fixing this. I'm done. So
that was the struggle with my dad.
Speaker 3 (32:04):
But were they shocked when you told them?
Speaker 4 (32:07):
Oh yeah, my mom was like what, like he put
his hands on you?
Speaker 5 (32:13):
Like they were like they they I think they were
getting the gist of the him not being a good
dad to the kids and him being kind of.
Speaker 4 (32:23):
Verbally abusive here and there.
Speaker 5 (32:25):
My mom saw a few episodes with him, you know,
he didn't get along with his family. They were they
were watching, so the shock was there, but they were
almost they were more shocked at the physical abuse, like
the strangle, the strangulation that happened. I think they were
almost relieved. My mom was almost relieved. But it was
very hard for them. It was not easy, and I
(32:47):
had to do everything under behind closed doors, Like I
was to hire an attorney, like I had to borrow
money from my dad.
Speaker 4 (32:54):
I couldn't have him find out I was talking to an attorney.
Speaker 5 (32:57):
I had to I almost had to fake it to
keep it like calm, like you know, my parents tried
to talk to him.
Speaker 4 (33:04):
He admitted everything to my parents. He wanted to go
to therapy.
Speaker 5 (33:07):
So I kind of had to like really keep it,
like let's try to make this work out, like I
didn't want to, Like he could not find out I
had an attorney. I didn't know what he would do,
and because I needed the restraining order, so I was
very I was on eggshells trying to figure it out
and maneuver it.
Speaker 4 (33:25):
And it was scary. I had the kids.
Speaker 5 (33:27):
I think I'd moved out and I was with my
parents for a while. I told him I didn't want
to live with him because of what he did. So
I walked across the street and lived with my parents
with the kids. I took the kids with a law.
It was like, very very difficult. It was I. I
was just scared because I was like, what's going to
happen if he finds out before I serve him in
(33:49):
the papers, before I get the restraining order? What if
I don't get the restraining order? Then what is he
going to do? Like it was very scary.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Do you have a restraining order in place now?
Speaker 4 (33:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (33:59):
So the time from the day I served him, which
was I believed August nineteenth of twenty nineteen, was when
I served, like, gave the paperwork in but I got
awarded the no contact restraining order and since then I've
had it and I got it awarded on October twenty
eighth of twenty twenty two, a five year restraining or
(34:21):
three year restraint, a five year restraining order. And then
I also got a three year restraining order just recently
through the County of Santa Clara because he was charged
through the county through our county as well.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
And then your son, one of your sons isn't seeing him,
but what do the other one? Does he see him?
And how does that work.
Speaker 5 (34:39):
With So the no contact was awarded both for myself
and the children through the family through family court.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
And he's trying to sue you know, right.
Speaker 5 (34:50):
Yeah, I mean, he's constantly coming after me for getting
more time. But the kids have had supervision almost the
entire time through my dad did it in the beginning
to keep it cool. Then him and my dad had
an altercation, so then we had a professional supervisor. Then
(35:10):
this professional supervisor had an altercation with him. He almost
I mean he almost got in a fight with him
in front of the kids. Then we went to therapeutic supervision,
and that's been what's been going on for the last
two years, I think. But there's a therapeutic supervisor there
for the visitation and right now my oldest son is
(35:31):
only seeing him two hours a month with a supervisor.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
And he wants to see him.
Speaker 4 (35:37):
I assume my older son.
Speaker 5 (35:40):
Yes, there's a very different dynamic between my oldest and
my youngest.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
Sure, And how old is your oldest fourteen?
Speaker 2 (35:49):
What is your belief about yourself now going through the
domestic violence and everything that you went through.
Speaker 5 (35:58):
So in the moment of it, I would say, why me,
Why is this happening? And never understood why I ended
up with this man, why I made the decisions I.
Speaker 4 (36:10):
Made, Why it took me so long?
Speaker 5 (36:13):
And then I realized recently, I think in the last
year or two, I feel like it was my I
feel like it's my purpose. I feel like because I
went through what I did and the horrificness of it,
and even now the post separation abuse, I feel like
I was supposed to go through this to be.
Speaker 4 (36:32):
A voice for others.
Speaker 5 (36:34):
And I truly believe that, I truly believe my circumstances,
my experience, and the craziness of it all was meant
to happen so that I can create a platform and
be a voice for women all around the world. And
I've started a jewelry company with a platform for women empowerment,
(36:57):
and I'm doing everything I can to just get my
store out after six years. I've it's almost been six
years since I left, and I finally feel strong enough
and ready and feel like I'm ready to use my
voice for a greater purpose.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
That's that's a beautiful place. I feel like there's because
for me, my struggle has been the abuser's voice has
always been louder than my own voice, and so I've
been so quiet about certain things because I'm like, well,
that happened. He pushed me, and that happened because of X.
(37:33):
I'll always go to the where he would place the
blame on me, and so then I just go, well,
it was it was okay, or it was fine, or
he did this because of because I did this, or
because you know I said this or whatever. And so
I think that has been like the piece that I've
(37:53):
struggled with posts even sharing certain things, because I'm like, well,
I still like sometimes their.
Speaker 3 (37:59):
Voice is louder than.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
All of it, and so then I just kind of
shy shy away from it, which is not the right
thing to do, right because you want to help other women.
So what would be your advice to someone that wants
to get out, that is trying to get out of something,
but yet they hear the abuser's voice in their head
louder than their own.
Speaker 5 (38:18):
It's really hard to say this, but it's just to
take a leap and don't be afraid because the nightmare
you're living and now, like, whatever you do to move
forward is going to be better than where you are.
So I always tell my I mean, I've helped few
women and I tell them, listen, what you're going through.
Now you see how horrible it is. Now think you're
(38:40):
out of it, and what is the worst that can happen?
Like if you really think if it's a financial part
you're scared of, if it's you know, not having you
know you already don't have your friends because he's already
secluded you, Like, what is it? And to really navigate
what is it that you're afraid of?
Speaker 4 (38:55):
What is it?
Speaker 5 (38:55):
What are your most afraid of? And then how to
navigate that fear and to really try to So I've
noticed there's a lack of support within a lot of
TV victims that are trying to get out. And I've
seen that, you know, they get secluded from their abuser
secludes them number one, so their from network is very small.
(39:17):
They're afraid because people don't believe them. There's a lack
of support, and I feel part of my job, I
want to create a support or something where I can
these women can feel safe or they need to talk
to someone to because it just takes a little bit
of confidence, a little bit of I believe in myself,
a little bit like I can do this. And I
(39:39):
feel like if they have that, that is the biggest
step that they have to take to get beyond that fear.
And I think that was what it was for me.
It was a lot of fear. And I think if
we can help navigate that fear and just to believe
in yourself and to be like this, you're going to
be okay. And I think that's where I that's where
(40:00):
I see it for most victims is the fear of
the unknown, like what's going to happen next?
Speaker 4 (40:07):
And how can I support that?
Speaker 2 (40:09):
It's so hard when you're in it, But it's like
to Christen's point, it's like I always remember each moment
was my like okay, I'm out, you know, the night
of being strangled, or you know, writing in my diary,
I think he's going to kill me, Like having those
moments like okay, I either have to get out or
this guy guy's going to kill me. So it's just
(40:30):
there's always that that moment you go back to you're like,
all right, now is the time.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
But it's it's hard.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
And you know the women that I mean, watch the
things on freaking Netflix and how the guy kills you know,
the girlfriend or the wife or and it's just it's all,
it's just awful.
Speaker 3 (40:47):
I think it's also worth really noting how slow it starts.
Like I think the misconception is that it's just one hundred,
you know, zero to one hundred and like five minutes.
But and sometimes that is the case, but in cases
like you and cases that I've known really intimately in
my life, it's such a slow chip away. It's the isolation,
(41:11):
it's the control of phone finances, free time, what you're wearing,
how you look like. It's just so slow that I
that it's and so calculated that it's hard for anyone
to even really know that there may be even fully
in it because it's such a gradual change.
Speaker 4 (41:32):
Yeah, it is. It's scary. It's almost scary.
Speaker 5 (41:34):
How slow and gradual it is, and then it's by
the time time you're in it, you're like, holy moly,
like and then you have an awakening moment because like
for me, I was like, I didn't know what love
bombing was.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
I don't think a lot of us did, or do
you know.
Speaker 5 (41:50):
Yeah, I didn't know what, you know, narcissists was. I
didn't know what I didn't know. You know, abuse can
be emotional and mental financial. Looking back on it now, oh,
I have to work for him that I wasn't allowed.
I wanted to go to law school. Nope, we're going
to start a company and you're gonna work for me.
Speaker 3 (42:06):
And he's two doors down from your parents at this point.
I mean he really came down.
Speaker 5 (42:11):
He came in strong, and he was logistically yeah, and
it was to me, I think it's very calculated because
that is like, and when I look back on it now,
if I had a boyfriend moved down the street from me, I'd.
Speaker 4 (42:23):
Be like, what are you doing? Like are you kidding me?
Speaker 3 (42:25):
Well, even when you say you moved, you know that
you're like I moved in with my parents. I'm thinking,
bless your brave and bold, nervous system for the feelings,
because nearly even when you're across the street, I mean
that doesn't there's a little layer of safety because you're
with your parents, but he's still just right there.
Speaker 5 (42:44):
Oh yeah, I couldn't. I don't think I slept very much.
I think I was just like, is he gonna barge?
I mean he's very capable, of course, I like, is
he gonna barge through?
Speaker 4 (42:54):
Like is I've seen?
Speaker 5 (42:55):
I mean his temper is zero to one hundred, Like
there's I mean, I'm looking I'm thinking now because it's
all coming back to me because.
Speaker 4 (43:01):
I feel like I've blocked out a lot of it.
Speaker 5 (43:03):
Yeah, but I'm getting when you're speaking, I'm getting these
like spurts and memories, but they're yeah, so you're I'm thinking,
like lock the doors, turn on the arm. Like I
didn't know how to use a gun. I didn't get
a gun until uh recently learning how to shoot it
because I live on my own. Now, I'm like, holy moly,
what's going to happen? I remember calling my friends like
can I have private security? Like how do I manage this?
(43:26):
But you kind of get into survival mode and you
kind of just it's I don't know how to explain it,
but you just have to figure it out and you
have no other choice, and you're like, I'm just gonna
figure this out, and I don't know how I'm gonna
do it.
Speaker 2 (43:38):
But and then even so, like I was just telling
the girls too, I mean, there's still things that come
up from when I was nineteen years old, from like
my first abuser. So it's like, it's crazy how I'm like, God,
I thought I've already kind of worked through all this,
but there's moments in life that come up and it's
like it triggers back to that and I'm like, oh
(43:58):
my god, It's like it stays so much in you.
It's like it is such a big piece of me
that those times, in those things in my life.
Speaker 5 (44:07):
So yeah, so there's been a lot of post separation
abuse for me and there still is. So six years
down the line, I've been out of it, but I've
had to manage post separation abuse and I still am
dealing with it.
Speaker 4 (44:19):
So it's very it's a daily.
Speaker 5 (44:21):
Thing for me, but I've learned how to just take
it out, put it in a category, and not let
it affect my everyday life and my friends sometimes look
at me and they're like, it's a miracle that you
are out of that life and that you are where
you are. It's like they don't understand it because they
knew how or they've seen how crazy he's been acting,
(44:44):
or have seen it through last six years of the
things that he's done, how capable he is, and they're just.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
Like, Wow, Yeah, Nillie, where could our listeners if they're
going through this, where can they reach out to you?
And you know, because you said you're helping people too.
Speaker 5 (45:06):
So I've created Glory Jewelry, which is actually I'm wearying it.
It's a butterfly collection that I've launched just in March,
and it's called set Me Free. So i have my
Instagram handle which is Glory Jewelry Store, which is a
platform for women empowerment, and I'm also creating partnerships with
(45:27):
organizations that can help people that are going through what
they're going through and trying to create that support and
that confidence and that just empowering women through it. And
then also my personal handle which is just Nilly Danesh.
They can always reach out to me there. I'm very
(45:48):
I've had a lot of women reach out to me
on both on both handles, and I'm very open to
helping and providing support.
Speaker 4 (45:55):
However I can honestly.
Speaker 2 (45:57):
So well, thank you Nilly so much for coming on
and thank you for having me. If you need help
or if you know someone, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
It's one eight hundred and seven nine nine seven two
three three. Reach out to me, reach out to Nilly,
reach out to anyone. There's a lot of people that
I talk to in my DMS about this, and usually
(46:20):
you know, it's I always say, go to a therapist,
go to people like that. But there's also you know,
Nili and I we've been through it, and we can at.
Speaker 4 (46:28):
Least at least guide you try to.
Speaker 2 (46:30):
Try to guide. I mean I can't. I can't ever
tell someone to do. I'm like, this is my experience,
this is what I would say. But you know, at
the end of the day, hopefully the more people you
talk to will tell you it's not right and you
know how to tell how to get out.
Speaker 5 (46:44):
And I think sometimes which the National Hotline is great,
but what I think is sometimes when someone going through
is speaking to an actual survivor and there's they can
resonate with you, it's a lot, it's a it's that
connection almost and I feel like calling a hotline.
Speaker 4 (47:02):
It's hard. You're calling on random hotline and I don't
discourage it at all. Please do call it. But I'm
here for that, just one on one connection to just
guide and support how I can, however that is, and
not telling you what to do or how you should
do it, but just kind of guiding you through my
own experience.
Speaker 2 (47:20):
Like you said, Yeah, well, I'm sorry you had to
go through what you did, but like you said, you're
using it for good and the platform and to help
other people. So thank you Nelly very much for coming
on sharing your story, you for having me well chat
Sank you know. Thanks, Okay, bye Gray
Host
Jana Kramer
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