May 4, 2023 • 19 mins
Ever feel lonely? Jana is set to find the way to beat loneliness with communications and relatability expert Rachel Dealto.
Rachel shares a crucial first step for introverts who are looking to make friends.
And, Jana learns a valuable lesson on how to talk about her ex in front of her kids.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Rachel Dealto It's going to be on this week's Whine
About It Thursday episode. She is a communication and relatability expert,
media personality keynote speaker MC and the author of Relatable
How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere Even if It scares You.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Let's get her on.
Speaker 4 (00:27):
I barely brush my hair today.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Girlfriend, I have no makeup on. I don't think I
brushed my hair either. You're good, awesome, O, you are
so good.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
I'm a mess. We've got so much noise, so hopefully
you can't hear anything.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Rachel, Where do you Where do you live?
Speaker 4 (00:43):
I'm in New Jersey?
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Okay? Is that where you're born and raised?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (00:49):
I was.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Actually I was born and raised like ten minutes from here,
and I went away from Hot Minute, almost went to
La like ten years ago, and then I ended up
falling in love and ruined my life because I have
to stay here in New Jersey.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
Now, So your husband was from New Jersey.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
He's in New Jersey. Actually we're getting married in about
a month. Oh yeah, And so he lives here and
had kids and so kind of like firmly planted.
Speaker 4 (01:21):
Which is fine.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
How long were you guys dating for?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
We've been dating for so Actually the la move started,
The idea started like ten years ago, and I was
going to do it.
Speaker 4 (01:31):
We got together six years ago.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Okay, so right around there where I was, I was
looking at places and then I met him.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Oh I love that, and then he said he's got kids.
Speaker 4 (01:42):
He's got kids. I've got kids.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
We have a lot of kids, so it's it is
a busy household, but they're they're a little bit older,
so it's not that kind of crazy, you know, like
there's no toddlers running around anymore.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
People like my daughter.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
My youngest is thirteen, and so she's pretty self sufficient.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
How is that thirteen girl who?
Speaker 4 (02:06):
It depends on the day. I have to say she
was much crazier as a young child than she is
as a thirteen year old.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
She's actually really kind and kind of quieter and just
not She's not a jerk yet, so that's cool.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Yeah, it's usually that happens. We'll gets.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
It's like I think I was fifteen when I went
to the jerk. I don't like it or like the
but I've heard that it gets now, like you know,
thirteen fourteen is.
Speaker 4 (02:33):
Like age, but I'm prepared, Like I I'm prepared. I
just I like wine, so that's helpful.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
And I feel like it's gonna be okay, right, And
she is like she's the youngest of everyone, So I
feel like, what's your oldest twenty two?
Speaker 4 (02:53):
You like?
Speaker 3 (02:53):
From you?
Speaker 4 (02:54):
From me?
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Okay? Me?
Speaker 2 (02:57):
I mean you look like you're like in your early thirties.
Speaker 4 (03:00):
Oh you're my new best friend.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
No, but I'm serious, Like, how how old are you?
Speaker 4 (03:05):
I'm forty three?
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Yeah, you don't so then okay, So then you started
young having kids then I was.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yeah, I was still super young, but yeah, so I
had him when I was twenty one. And he is
actually graduating from college in two weeks and he's in
the background me trying to get an apartment because he
found a job, and he's like going to become a
member of society.
Speaker 4 (03:26):
And I feel very proud that I have not raised
a degenerate yet. But there's still time.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
So so your book, though, I'm it's called relatable, and
I was reading the breakdown of it and was there
something like in your life where you're like, were you
socially awkward? Like how did you get into this, uh,
like with your with your book.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Yeah, it's it's definitely spawned from my own journey. I
definitely was very socially awkward when I was younger. I
was actually part of the opening story in the book
as I talk about kind of how desperate I was
for friendship, because by fifth grade, I was eating lunch
with my teacher and it just was, you know, it
was kind of a bummer, but it was just one
(04:13):
of those experiences where I realized how important it was
to develop those social skills and put yourself into positions
where you could find people and find friends. And so
as I got older, and you know, things started to
shift in seventh eighth grade, and then by the time
I got.
Speaker 4 (04:29):
To high school, I felt like I was kind.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Of doing okay, and then it definitely my skills continued
to grow. But then I always saw where people who
had that social anxiety or social awkwardness would have such
troubles and it was just really difficult to connect with people,
and it has such an impact on our lives.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Yeah, what do you think some of the social skills
that people suffer or deal with in conversations and social settings.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Yeah, I think, well, there's a couple of things.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
I think the initial conversation is always difficult for people.
I hear so often whether we're talking about it from
a dating standpoint, and it's trying to, you know, start
a conversation with someone they're interested romantically, to even making friends.
I have a friend who just moved to Florida and
she's trying to meet new people and she calls me,
She's like, Rachel, it's so difficult to start a conversation
(05:23):
with someone and not feel weird and uncomfortable. And I
think above all, we're just afraid. We're afraid of being rejected,
We're afraid of being judged, and so instead of putting
ourselves out there and beginning those conversations, we just, you know,
we don't do it. And then it becomes harder when
you're not doing it, because I think social skills are
(05:45):
like a muscle, and the more that you do it
and the more conversations you have, the easier it becomes.
But it's kind of jumping off that led to the
people that have the initial.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Trouble with Yeah, it's interesting because you'll have conversations with
my brother and you know, he's a very, very opposite.
He's one of my closest friends. But he's he's very introverted,
he's very quiet. He's also the funniest person in a
room if he can open up, and when he really
gets to know someone, like that's when he really opens up.
(06:14):
But we were saying something and you know, I could
just tell that he was a little bit down, and like, Steve,
why don't you go out with you know, some of
your friends, like I don't have any friends. And I'm like, well,
because you're choosing that, like you're not putting yourself out
there to do it. And it's like I know that
it's it, like you know, your friend said, like it is,
it's so hard. But like if you don't then you
(06:34):
have no friends. So I'm like both, Like both options
don't look good to me, but I'd rather try than
like not, you know, so I'm like, all you have
to do is He's like, well, we'm I supposed to say?
And I'm like, well, just be like, hey, do you
want to go grab a beer? He's like, well, you know,
I'm just like, oh my gosh, Like come.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
On, yeah, well we overthink it, right, Everything comes down
to overthinking, Oh my gosh, why what'll they think if
I say this?
Speaker 4 (06:58):
Or what'll they think if I say that?
Speaker 1 (06:59):
And then especially for introverts too, because it's so much
energy expended. So then it's then they start thinking, am
I going to waste my energy on this person? And
so it becomes this cycle and then they end up
not connecting with anyone and that doesn't work for them either.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Yeah, and then what about for the people because I
used to do this, like I would I try too hard, right,
so I would like insert myself in conversations, and like,
now if someone does that, it it actually drives me
crazy because I'm like, this person's trying too hard to
like be in this conversation and now I'm actually now
I'm annoyed, and now I'm gonna you know, and I
have a really hard time like hiding that. So I'm like,
(07:36):
but I'm also have empathy too to go. I used
to be that person as well, trying to insert myself
because I wanted, you know, I wanted a friend, or
I wanted someone to like me, or I wanted and
so it's like you want to be a part of it.
But also if you insert yourself too much, then you're
just looked as this annoying person.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Yeah. Yeah, And that's the challenge with that is, you know,
it's using that skill and it's finding those situations where
you're accepted in them and then constantly adjusting to read
the room. And I think that's something that grows with
more emotional intelligence. But you have to keep doing it
even if you are in those beginning stages. That person
(08:15):
that people might find a little bit annoying.
Speaker 4 (08:17):
That's okay. Those just probably aren't your people to start
talking to initially.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
You're going to have to find, you know, some people
who are probably a little bit more like you and
just allow yourself the ability to work on them.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
But I get it too, because I see.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
That, you know, we all have kind of different radars,
and you know that pick me energy can be kind
of a turn off.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
So self awareness around that can be kind of good.
But also I'd.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Rather people do something and do it wrong than do
nothing and not have a possibility of you know, at
least throwing speakt against the wall and seeing what sticks, right.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Yeah, Because I'm like, I don't want anyone to like,
I don't want rather to not have friends or you know,
it's like I want people to there's certain people that
I'm like, oh, I'd love to be you know, closer
with them or in that mom group or but at
the same time, I'm also like, I'm very happy with
my queendom of friends and the tribes because it is
(09:14):
it's not so much rejection now, it's the time that
I do have that I'm like, yes, I've got kids,
I'm a single mom. Like I'm like, I'm already spread
so thin, and I feel like, you know, there's people
that like invite me to places and like I want
to go, like because I'm like I see them trying,
and like I also want to, but I'm just physically
(09:34):
don't like have the time or the capacity to like
fit other people into like my space, and so like
trying to figure that piece out too has been you
know interesting in this age.
Speaker 4 (09:46):
Yeah, that's tough. I mean I've been there. Obviously.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
We're just saying, I know I was a single mom
and trying to figure out who's kind of energy worthy,
whose babysit are worthy was my question, you know, whether
it was a friend data I thought, you know, I
really like my couch, but I want to make sure
that the use of my time is well spent. And
the beauty of it is, though, is that you have
those people in your world that fill you up. You
(10:10):
have your kids who you know, that's a socialization right
there that a.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
Lot of people don't have.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
And you sound like you have a group of friends
and all it takes is one. I think that's something
I would love people to understand is you don't have
to have this monster group of people. You don't have
to feel bad because you only have one really good friend.
You just need to find that person that kind of
gets you and supports you and gives you that access
to socialization to really offset so many negative consequences of loneliness.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Right, Yeah, I know I love that, Like I feel
like I have like my my I say, like I
got like five right because it's like they're But I
agree with you, like you only truly do need one.
But I love the small group that I do have
that it's because different a p So sometimes we can
(11:01):
fall Like I remember when I just had one there,
I probably wasn't like I needed someone to combat me
a little bit more instead of stay in my misery
with me.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 4 (11:14):
Yeah? Absolutely, So, like.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
That probably wasn't the best one that I had, but
I think I almost attracted the one just because like
I wanted that, like, yeah, you're totally right kind of person.
And but that's just in this day and age is
not the healthiest thing to have. So it's like, you know,
realizing that, like, okay, you need maybe a well rounded
(11:36):
group of like people that will kind of either a
call you on your stuff, be there for you, support
you all of it.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
You know absolutely well, even talking about romantic relationships, obviously
you don't want your you don't want to put all
of your expectations for every facet of your personality in
your life on one person, on your partner, and so
having a group of people where it's like I know,
for me, I have the friend that I call if
I need to cry. I have the friend that I
call if I need to have my butt kicked. I
(12:01):
have the friend you know that probably isn't listening when
I call right right people for.
Speaker 4 (12:07):
Different aspects of our lives.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
And you know, acknowledging that and being aware of it
can actually really benefit you.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
Yeah, that's that's so true. I definitely could like.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Label each one like which one I would call for
or you know, yeah, truly what is your biggest piece
of advice for the person that is uncomfortable like starting
that conversation. Like I know you said, well it's better
to try, but like, is there something that can like
if there's socially awkward but also just you know, not
(12:41):
comfortable in opening up as well, Because for me, it's
like I can go in and I'll tell you my
whole life story when I meet you. Other people it's
and when people when people don't, I'm like, oh, they're
they're too closed off for me. But it's like that
is actually not true. They just need a minute to
warm up, right, or you know, some people just aren't
as willing to share certain things with leap fran strangers.
(13:02):
But like what would you say for the people that
like are just like they want they want to, they're
just shy.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
I think the baby steps is where it is, you know,
and it's really about finding certain situations where you're more
comfortable than others and not judging yourself if you're you know,
choosing kind of an easier path or or finding people
who feel more friendly and really just choosing where you're
going to take that initial step in a space that
(13:31):
feels more nurturing. And for some people, and I know
this is probably going to be I don't know if
the word controversial is really it, but you know, it
is a controversial when we think about online offline and
if someone's super shy and they want to start those
connections and they want to start connecting with people, maybe
it's someone that they knew in school, or maybe it's
somebody they've been connected with online that they want to
(13:52):
get to know better. Start online, send messages, you know,
start commenting on their Instagram or their tiktoks and starting
to have a conversation that way, so it feels more
comfortable in real.
Speaker 4 (14:04):
Life, you know. And so that's kind of like a.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Really super baby step where people feel a lot more
confident in who they are because they're able to very
curate their what they say. And then it's really just
finding people I think that you have commonality with is
something that always to me creates this opportunity to have
a good reception. So if you know, maybe your brother
(14:29):
is a musician and he finds, you know, some music
related group or some music related event where it's smaller
and intimate and people are having conversations, being able to
talk about something that you're passionate about or interested in
is so much easier than talking about yourself. So really
finding kind of those those segues into something that could
(14:50):
turn into a vulnerable conversation but starts off as like,
oh my gosh, you know I just took this crazy
kickboxing class versus I'm going to tell you my deep
dark secrets. Right.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Was there a chapter in the book where you had
a difficult time writing because it's something that you personally
struggle with.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
I think sharing about my first marriage was the hardest one,
just because one, I you know, you've been there. It's
kind of hard to write about those things. And it's
also I was very protective with my kids because I
knew at some point not.
Speaker 4 (15:36):
That they'll ever pick up my book. I think they've
picked it up.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
I don't know if they've opened it, but you know,
I want to make sure that I'm respectful of the
fact that I'm talking about things that are part of
their life too.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
And so that was the hardest part.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Is and that for me, is an interesting thing to
think about because I'm all about vulnerability and I'm all
about sharing the parts of us that aren't so pretty.
Speaker 4 (15:58):
And that was a and a very very important.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Part of my life that was not the prettiest and
was probably the most difficult and.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
The most growth associated with it.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Do you think you found a good balance with it?
Speaker 4 (16:13):
I do. I made a lot of people.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Read it, Yeah, because I trust myself, and you know,
probably the version that I wrote for this book would
have been different ten years ago. You know, the book
that I wrote today is very different than the book
that I would have written five years ago.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
So I think that changed.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
So a lot of times when we're sharing personal information
or vulnerable stories, we have to make sure that.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
Edge is off. So that's been filed down quite a
bit over the years.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
I hear I'm kind of working on something and I've
had to go back now countless times to go, Okay,
that's hurt. Right now, I'm going to take this. And
there's also protection of kids, and it's also you know,
but also telling the truth and you know my version and.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
You know, so it's like it's.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
It's interesting though, when I have like gone back to
kind of like relook at things, and like you see
your growth in that too, the things that you want
to take away because you're like, well, does that really
need to be in there because like, who is that really?
It's like, it's all you know, divorce is tough, it's itchy,
it's hard, we all have feelings and stuff with it.
(17:19):
It's like, but if you can be proud of what
comes out and go, you know, I walked away with this.
Here's my story, wasn't It's not easy to tell and
I did it the best I could, you know, So
I think that's that's great that you did that.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
That's such an important filter to push it through. Of like,
and also just realizing what is the service here? Yeah,
what does the story serve? And and figuring out what
elements serve the purpose of actually putting it out there?
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Sure, exactly what do you want people to walk away
from the most with your book?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
I want them to walk away with hope. And it
sounds so Pollyanna when I say that out.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
I don't think I've ever.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Said that like that before, but that's really what I
want because it really does upset me how lonely this
world is, and I know how horrible that feels because
I've been there. And so if I could allow people
to walk away with hope of actually curing some of
that loneliness and connecting with people and then utilizing it.
(18:20):
Part of the reason why I wrote the book the
way I did is because there's so many different facets
of connection. There's so many different facets of relationships, whether
it's friendship, whether it's workplace relationships, or if it's romantic.
I want people to be better in all of those
because I know that when you have good relationships in
all of those areas, you're better, You.
Speaker 4 (18:39):
Feel better, your life is better, you're happier.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
Absolutely, well, everybody go get Rachel Dialto's book Relatable How
to Connect with anyone anywhere, even if it scares you
and it's all scary, So it is fine, it's all scary,
but books like that will help you get to the
first step. So thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
And good luck with all the construction, because you know,
we're all sorry, no, we're all on the journey in construction.
(19:04):
You know, it's just life like we're all we're all
constructing as we go.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
So just right outside my window.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
Yeah, I love it. But thank you and congrats on
your book.
Speaker 4 (19:13):
Thank you so much, honey. All right bye,
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Rachel Dealto It's going to be on this week's Whine
About It Thursday episode. She is a communication and relatability expert,
media personality keynote speaker MC and the author of Relatable
How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere Even if It scares You.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Let's get her on.
Speaker 4 (00:27):
I barely brush my hair today.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Girlfriend, I have no makeup on. I don't think I
brushed my hair either. You're good, awesome, O, you are
so good.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
I'm a mess. We've got so much noise, so hopefully
you can't hear anything.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Rachel, Where do you Where do you live?
Speaker 4 (00:43):
I'm in New Jersey?
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Okay? Is that where you're born and raised?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (00:49):
I was.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Actually I was born and raised like ten minutes from here,
and I went away from Hot Minute, almost went to
La like ten years ago, and then I ended up
falling in love and ruined my life because I have
to stay here in New Jersey.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
Now, So your husband was from New Jersey.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
He's in New Jersey. Actually we're getting married in about
a month. Oh yeah, And so he lives here and
had kids and so kind of like firmly planted.
Speaker 4 (01:21):
Which is fine.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
How long were you guys dating for?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
We've been dating for so Actually the la move started,
The idea started like ten years ago, and I was
going to do it.
Speaker 4 (01:31):
We got together six years ago.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Okay, so right around there where I was, I was
looking at places and then I met him.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Oh I love that, and then he said he's got kids.
Speaker 4 (01:42):
He's got kids. I've got kids.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
We have a lot of kids, so it's it is
a busy household, but they're they're a little bit older,
so it's not that kind of crazy, you know, like
there's no toddlers running around anymore.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
People like my daughter.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
My youngest is thirteen, and so she's pretty self sufficient.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
How is that thirteen girl who?
Speaker 4 (02:06):
It depends on the day. I have to say she
was much crazier as a young child than she is
as a thirteen year old.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
She's actually really kind and kind of quieter and just
not She's not a jerk yet, so that's cool.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Yeah, it's usually that happens. We'll gets.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
It's like I think I was fifteen when I went
to the jerk. I don't like it or like the
but I've heard that it gets now, like you know,
thirteen fourteen is.
Speaker 4 (02:33):
Like age, but I'm prepared, Like I I'm prepared. I
just I like wine, so that's helpful.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
And I feel like it's gonna be okay, right, And
she is like she's the youngest of everyone, So I
feel like, what's your oldest twenty two?
Speaker 4 (02:53):
You like?
Speaker 3 (02:53):
From you?
Speaker 4 (02:54):
From me?
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Okay? Me?
Speaker 2 (02:57):
I mean you look like you're like in your early thirties.
Speaker 4 (03:00):
Oh you're my new best friend.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
No, but I'm serious, Like, how how old are you?
Speaker 4 (03:05):
I'm forty three?
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Yeah, you don't so then okay, So then you started
young having kids then I was.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yeah, I was still super young, but yeah, so I
had him when I was twenty one. And he is
actually graduating from college in two weeks and he's in
the background me trying to get an apartment because he
found a job, and he's like going to become a
member of society.
Speaker 4 (03:26):
And I feel very proud that I have not raised
a degenerate yet. But there's still time.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
So so your book, though, I'm it's called relatable, and
I was reading the breakdown of it and was there
something like in your life where you're like, were you
socially awkward? Like how did you get into this, uh,
like with your with your book.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Yeah, it's it's definitely spawned from my own journey. I
definitely was very socially awkward when I was younger. I
was actually part of the opening story in the book
as I talk about kind of how desperate I was
for friendship, because by fifth grade, I was eating lunch
with my teacher and it just was, you know, it
was kind of a bummer, but it was just one
(04:13):
of those experiences where I realized how important it was
to develop those social skills and put yourself into positions
where you could find people and find friends. And so
as I got older, and you know, things started to
shift in seventh eighth grade, and then by the time
I got.
Speaker 4 (04:29):
To high school, I felt like I was kind.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Of doing okay, and then it definitely my skills continued
to grow. But then I always saw where people who
had that social anxiety or social awkwardness would have such
troubles and it was just really difficult to connect with people,
and it has such an impact on our lives.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Yeah, what do you think some of the social skills
that people suffer or deal with in conversations and social settings.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Yeah, I think, well, there's a couple of things.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
I think the initial conversation is always difficult for people.
I hear so often whether we're talking about it from
a dating standpoint, and it's trying to, you know, start
a conversation with someone they're interested romantically, to even making friends.
I have a friend who just moved to Florida and
she's trying to meet new people and she calls me,
She's like, Rachel, it's so difficult to start a conversation
(05:23):
with someone and not feel weird and uncomfortable. And I
think above all, we're just afraid. We're afraid of being rejected,
We're afraid of being judged, and so instead of putting
ourselves out there and beginning those conversations, we just, you know,
we don't do it. And then it becomes harder when
you're not doing it, because I think social skills are
(05:45):
like a muscle, and the more that you do it
and the more conversations you have, the easier it becomes.
But it's kind of jumping off that led to the
people that have the initial.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Trouble with Yeah, it's interesting because you'll have conversations with
my brother and you know, he's a very, very opposite.
He's one of my closest friends. But he's he's very introverted,
he's very quiet. He's also the funniest person in a
room if he can open up, and when he really
gets to know someone, like that's when he really opens up.
(06:14):
But we were saying something and you know, I could
just tell that he was a little bit down, and like, Steve,
why don't you go out with you know, some of
your friends, like I don't have any friends. And I'm like, well,
because you're choosing that, like you're not putting yourself out
there to do it. And it's like I know that
it's it, like you know, your friend said, like it is,
it's so hard. But like if you don't then you
(06:34):
have no friends. So I'm like both, Like both options
don't look good to me, but I'd rather try than
like not, you know, so I'm like, all you have
to do is He's like, well, we'm I supposed to say?
And I'm like, well, just be like, hey, do you
want to go grab a beer? He's like, well, you know,
I'm just like, oh my gosh, Like come.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
On, yeah, well we overthink it, right, Everything comes down
to overthinking, Oh my gosh, why what'll they think if
I say this?
Speaker 4 (06:58):
Or what'll they think if I say that?
Speaker 1 (06:59):
And then especially for introverts too, because it's so much
energy expended. So then it's then they start thinking, am
I going to waste my energy on this person? And
so it becomes this cycle and then they end up
not connecting with anyone and that doesn't work for them either.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Yeah, and then what about for the people because I
used to do this, like I would I try too hard, right,
so I would like insert myself in conversations, and like,
now if someone does that, it it actually drives me
crazy because I'm like, this person's trying too hard to
like be in this conversation and now I'm actually now
I'm annoyed, and now I'm gonna you know, and I
have a really hard time like hiding that. So I'm like,
(07:36):
but I'm also have empathy too to go. I used
to be that person as well, trying to insert myself
because I wanted, you know, I wanted a friend, or
I wanted someone to like me, or I wanted and
so it's like you want to be a part of it.
But also if you insert yourself too much, then you're
just looked as this annoying person.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Yeah. Yeah, And that's the challenge with that is, you know,
it's using that skill and it's finding those situations where
you're accepted in them and then constantly adjusting to read
the room. And I think that's something that grows with
more emotional intelligence. But you have to keep doing it
even if you are in those beginning stages. That person
(08:15):
that people might find a little bit annoying.
Speaker 4 (08:17):
That's okay. Those just probably aren't your people to start
talking to initially.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
You're going to have to find, you know, some people
who are probably a little bit more like you and
just allow yourself the ability to work on them.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
But I get it too, because I see.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
That, you know, we all have kind of different radars,
and you know that pick me energy can be kind
of a turn off.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
So self awareness around that can be kind of good.
But also I'd.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Rather people do something and do it wrong than do
nothing and not have a possibility of you know, at
least throwing speakt against the wall and seeing what sticks, right.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Yeah, Because I'm like, I don't want anyone to like,
I don't want rather to not have friends or you know,
it's like I want people to there's certain people that
I'm like, oh, I'd love to be you know, closer
with them or in that mom group or but at
the same time, I'm also like, I'm very happy with
my queendom of friends and the tribes because it is
(09:14):
it's not so much rejection now, it's the time that
I do have that I'm like, yes, I've got kids,
I'm a single mom. Like I'm like, I'm already spread
so thin, and I feel like, you know, there's people
that like invite me to places and like I want
to go, like because I'm like I see them trying,
and like I also want to, but I'm just physically
(09:34):
don't like have the time or the capacity to like
fit other people into like my space, and so like
trying to figure that piece out too has been you
know interesting in this age.
Speaker 4 (09:46):
Yeah, that's tough. I mean I've been there. Obviously.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
We're just saying, I know I was a single mom
and trying to figure out who's kind of energy worthy,
whose babysit are worthy was my question, you know, whether
it was a friend data I thought, you know, I
really like my couch, but I want to make sure
that the use of my time is well spent. And
the beauty of it is, though, is that you have
those people in your world that fill you up. You
(10:10):
have your kids who you know, that's a socialization right
there that a.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
Lot of people don't have.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
And you sound like you have a group of friends
and all it takes is one. I think that's something
I would love people to understand is you don't have
to have this monster group of people. You don't have
to feel bad because you only have one really good friend.
You just need to find that person that kind of
gets you and supports you and gives you that access
to socialization to really offset so many negative consequences of loneliness.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Right, Yeah, I know I love that, Like I feel
like I have like my my I say, like I
got like five right because it's like they're But I
agree with you, like you only truly do need one.
But I love the small group that I do have
that it's because different a p So sometimes we can
(11:01):
fall Like I remember when I just had one there,
I probably wasn't like I needed someone to combat me
a little bit more instead of stay in my misery
with me.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 4 (11:14):
Yeah? Absolutely, So, like.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
That probably wasn't the best one that I had, but
I think I almost attracted the one just because like
I wanted that, like, yeah, you're totally right kind of person.
And but that's just in this day and age is
not the healthiest thing to have. So it's like, you know,
realizing that, like, okay, you need maybe a well rounded
(11:36):
group of like people that will kind of either a
call you on your stuff, be there for you, support
you all of it.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
You know absolutely well, even talking about romantic relationships, obviously
you don't want your you don't want to put all
of your expectations for every facet of your personality in
your life on one person, on your partner, and so
having a group of people where it's like I know,
for me, I have the friend that I call if
I need to cry. I have the friend that I
call if I need to have my butt kicked. I
(12:01):
have the friend you know that probably isn't listening when
I call right right people for.
Speaker 4 (12:07):
Different aspects of our lives.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
And you know, acknowledging that and being aware of it
can actually really benefit you.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
Yeah, that's that's so true. I definitely could like.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Label each one like which one I would call for
or you know, yeah, truly what is your biggest piece
of advice for the person that is uncomfortable like starting
that conversation. Like I know you said, well it's better
to try, but like, is there something that can like
if there's socially awkward but also just you know, not
(12:41):
comfortable in opening up as well, Because for me, it's
like I can go in and I'll tell you my
whole life story when I meet you. Other people it's
and when people when people don't, I'm like, oh, they're
they're too closed off for me. But it's like that
is actually not true. They just need a minute to
warm up, right, or you know, some people just aren't
as willing to share certain things with leap fran strangers.
(13:02):
But like what would you say for the people that
like are just like they want they want to, they're
just shy.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
I think the baby steps is where it is, you know,
and it's really about finding certain situations where you're more
comfortable than others and not judging yourself if you're you know,
choosing kind of an easier path or or finding people
who feel more friendly and really just choosing where you're
going to take that initial step in a space that
(13:31):
feels more nurturing. And for some people, and I know
this is probably going to be I don't know if
the word controversial is really it, but you know, it
is a controversial when we think about online offline and
if someone's super shy and they want to start those
connections and they want to start connecting with people, maybe
it's someone that they knew in school, or maybe it's
somebody they've been connected with online that they want to
(13:52):
get to know better. Start online, send messages, you know,
start commenting on their Instagram or their tiktoks and starting
to have a conversation that way, so it feels more
comfortable in real.
Speaker 4 (14:04):
Life, you know. And so that's kind of like a.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Really super baby step where people feel a lot more
confident in who they are because they're able to very
curate their what they say. And then it's really just
finding people I think that you have commonality with is
something that always to me creates this opportunity to have
a good reception. So if you know, maybe your brother
(14:29):
is a musician and he finds, you know, some music
related group or some music related event where it's smaller
and intimate and people are having conversations, being able to
talk about something that you're passionate about or interested in
is so much easier than talking about yourself. So really
finding kind of those those segues into something that could
(14:50):
turn into a vulnerable conversation but starts off as like,
oh my gosh, you know I just took this crazy
kickboxing class versus I'm going to tell you my deep
dark secrets. Right.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Was there a chapter in the book where you had
a difficult time writing because it's something that you personally
struggle with.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
I think sharing about my first marriage was the hardest one,
just because one, I you know, you've been there. It's
kind of hard to write about those things. And it's
also I was very protective with my kids because I
knew at some point not.
Speaker 4 (15:36):
That they'll ever pick up my book. I think they've
picked it up.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
I don't know if they've opened it, but you know,
I want to make sure that I'm respectful of the
fact that I'm talking about things that are part of
their life too.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
And so that was the hardest part.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Is and that for me, is an interesting thing to
think about because I'm all about vulnerability and I'm all
about sharing the parts of us that aren't so pretty.
Speaker 4 (15:58):
And that was a and a very very important.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Part of my life that was not the prettiest and
was probably the most difficult and.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
The most growth associated with it.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Do you think you found a good balance with it?
Speaker 4 (16:13):
I do. I made a lot of people.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Read it, Yeah, because I trust myself, and you know,
probably the version that I wrote for this book would
have been different ten years ago. You know, the book
that I wrote today is very different than the book
that I would have written five years ago.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
So I think that changed.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
So a lot of times when we're sharing personal information
or vulnerable stories, we have to make sure that.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
Edge is off. So that's been filed down quite a
bit over the years.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
I hear I'm kind of working on something and I've
had to go back now countless times to go, Okay,
that's hurt. Right now, I'm going to take this. And
there's also protection of kids, and it's also you know,
but also telling the truth and you know my version and.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
You know, so it's like it's.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
It's interesting though, when I have like gone back to
kind of like relook at things, and like you see
your growth in that too, the things that you want
to take away because you're like, well, does that really
need to be in there because like, who is that really?
It's like, it's all you know, divorce is tough, it's itchy,
it's hard, we all have feelings and stuff with it.
(17:19):
It's like, but if you can be proud of what
comes out and go, you know, I walked away with this.
Here's my story, wasn't It's not easy to tell and
I did it the best I could, you know, So
I think that's that's great that you did that.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
That's such an important filter to push it through. Of like,
and also just realizing what is the service here? Yeah,
what does the story serve? And and figuring out what
elements serve the purpose of actually putting it out there?
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Sure, exactly what do you want people to walk away
from the most with your book?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
I want them to walk away with hope. And it
sounds so Pollyanna when I say that out.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
I don't think I've ever.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Said that like that before, but that's really what I
want because it really does upset me how lonely this
world is, and I know how horrible that feels because
I've been there. And so if I could allow people
to walk away with hope of actually curing some of
that loneliness and connecting with people and then utilizing it.
(18:20):
Part of the reason why I wrote the book the
way I did is because there's so many different facets
of connection. There's so many different facets of relationships, whether
it's friendship, whether it's workplace relationships, or if it's romantic.
I want people to be better in all of those
because I know that when you have good relationships in
all of those areas, you're better, You.
Speaker 4 (18:39):
Feel better, your life is better, you're happier.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
Absolutely, well, everybody go get Rachel Dialto's book Relatable How
to Connect with anyone anywhere, even if it scares you
and it's all scary, So it is fine, it's all scary,
but books like that will help you get to the
first step. So thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
And good luck with all the construction, because you know,
we're all sorry, no, we're all on the journey in construction.
(19:04):
You know, it's just life like we're all we're all
constructing as we go.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
So just right outside my window.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
Yeah, I love it. But thank you and congrats on
your book.
Speaker 4 (19:13):
Thank you so much, honey. All right bye,
Host
Jana Kramer
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