October 16, 2023 • 51 mins
This week CEO and founder of Ready Nest Counseling, Emily Pardy, joins Kat to talk all things body image and pregnancy! Ready Nest Counseling is a practice that specializes in working alongside clients in the life stages of conception, pregnancy, postpartum, parenthood, infertility and loss. So much can come up around our bodies and how we view and perceive them as we move through some of these stages. Emily does a wonderful job in describing what is realistic to expect throughout the pregnancy process and how to show up for your unique experience as it unfolds (even if we don’t love how it’s unfolding!).
Learn more about Ready Nest Counseling
Follow Ready Nest on Instagram: @Readynestcounseling
Follow Emily Pardy on Instagram: @EmilyPardy
Follow Kat on Instagram: @Kat.Defatta
Follow the podcast Instagram: @YouNeedTherapyPodcast
Have a question, concern, guest idea, something else? Reach Kat at: Kathryn@youneedtherapyodcast.com
Heard about Three Cords Therapy but don’t know what it is? Click here!
Produced by: @HoustonTilley
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Coming up on you need therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I can't give you a checklist that's going to say like, Okay,
do these things and you won't have postpartum depression, or
that this will get you pregnant. By the way, if
anyone guarantees those things, they're lying to you. You know,
it's like I've just seen too many journeys. If I
knew a guarantee, I would love to make it, you know,
But it's one of those things that every person is
(00:25):
so much more than the reason they won open my
door or sat on the couch. I started to realize
that not being an expert isn't a liability, it's a
real gift. If we don't know something about ourselves at
this point in our life, it's probably because it's uncomfortable
to know.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
If you can die before you die, then you can
really live.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
There's a wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah,
and I didn't know what to do because there was
no internet.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel like everything
is hard.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Hey, y'all, my name is Kat.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second, and
right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope
encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,
and the world around you.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Welcome to You Need Therapy.
Speaker 4 (01:20):
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You
Need Therapy Podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
I'm Kat, I'm the host, and so glad you're here.
Speaker 4 (01:28):
I wanted to give a quick disclaimer before we get
into today's episode that although I'm a therapist and I
actually have another therapist coming on to talk to us today,
that this podcast does not serve as a replacement or
substitute for any mental health services, although we always hope
that it.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Can help in some way.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
So this week we are talking about something we have
not talked about yet. We have talked about body image
a lot, and eating disorders and disordered eating. We've done
multiple episodes on that throughout the year or throughout the years,
because we've been doing this for maybe five years, four years.
But what we haven't talked about is specifically body image
(02:09):
when it comes to pregnancy, postpartum, or even as you're
trying to conceive. So this week I have the CEO
and the founder of Readiness Counseling, which is a practice
that specializes with clients in the life stages of conception, pregnancy, postpartum, parenthood,
(02:30):
infertility and loss, all the things associated with that. And
so I have the founder, Emily Party here today and
we are going to do a little dive into the
ins and outs of body image and what comes up
when you are trying to get pregnant, when you're pregnant,
and after you give birth. I'm really excited to have
(02:52):
her here, and I'm also really excited to share her
as a resource with people in our community here in
Nashville and in the communities that she serves. I will
link everything that you need in order to find her
in our show notes, her website, their instagram. So if
you hear something that sparks your interest, you can reach
out and contact them. Know that you can always reach
(03:14):
out and contact me Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast
dot com if you have any questions or thoughts that
come out up around the episodes and the conversations we
have on here. So I'd like to introduce you to
my conversation with Emily Party. Okay, guys, welcome to a
(03:34):
new episode of You Need Therapy Podcast.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
This is Kat here.
Speaker 4 (03:40):
The host that you know already and I am here
with a new friend named Emily who is the CEO
and founder of Readiness Counseling that I recently discovered outside
of even my own professional world. It found me through
my personal world. So so I would like to start
(04:02):
this conversation off with Emily, you telling us a little
bit about yourself, anything you would want us to know
before we dive into this conversation. And then can you
give us a summary of what you guys do And
I'm really interested in what it was that to drive
you to create this.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Awesome Yes, of course, thank you so much for having
me today. So Readiness Counseling exists to serve individuals and
couples through the life stages of pregnancy, postpartum, infertility, loss,
and early parenting. And we have individual counseling. Like I said, couples,
they come in because that is the inciting incident. Something
(04:45):
in that milestone of life brings them here. Has you know,
could be a perinatal mood disorder like anxiety or postpartum depression.
It could just be communication issues because this is a
stressful milestone even when everything goes right all the way
through to like infertility trauma, medical birth, trauma, things like
that that we're really here to hold space for. So, yeah,
(05:08):
you know, it's one of those things I kind of
at this point say it's like if you're old enough
to know hairclub for men. It's like, I'm not just
the president, I'm also a user, you know. It's like
I've been through everything I treat in one facet or another.
I am the mother of four daughters, and so maternal
mental health is a huge, huge thing for me to
(05:31):
be able to hopefully change the landscape of how we
talk about it, how we dialogue effectively about it, how
we learn about it earlier on, and to normalize that
for my daughters to be able to grow up in
a world. But even before that, where you really see
me start all of this, what was before I became
(05:52):
a parent. My husband Josh and I will be married
seventeen years next month, and we knew after being married
a couple of years, we wanted we thought we wanted
to start a family, but we were like, how do
you know, how do you know when to start a family?
Like it's such a monumental, major thing. And we had
had a really good experience with our premarital counselor so
we went back to him and he was like, wait, so, like,
(06:14):
nothing's wrong.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
What are you guys here for?
Speaker 2 (06:16):
You know? And we're like no, no, like we're excited,
we just don't know what we're doing. We're not sure
are we ready to jump in? And so we, by happenstance,
ended up getting good counseling for several months, ended up
taking you know, about a year to conceive our first
which in hindsight doesn't feel like that long, but when
you are in it, if you're a listener who wants
(06:38):
to be pregnant, you want to be pregnant yesterday, you know.
And so that was kind of the spark of just
being able to see the value of investing in our
relationship and who we are as people and our expectations.
Then I wrote a book about becoming a mother, and
then we ended up moving to Nashville from southern California
to go to grad school to get my marriage and
(07:00):
Family therapy master's degree, and then launched Readiness. Two weeks
after graduation, I had my third daughter, which kind of
sums me up, yeah, and then launched that following year
and now have a fourth daughter, my rainbow baby that
followed a miscarriage in between as well, So it's very
(07:22):
ingrained in my life.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
I love what I do.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
It's a privilege to walk people through these huge moments,
these vulnerable spaces. And we are blessed to now have
a location in Nashville, Knoxville, and we just launched Charleston,
so we're stepping outside of Tennessee as well and really
excited to be able to help people wherever they are.
Speaker 4 (07:43):
That's amazing that it's grown the way it has, and
I imagine it is growing because there's a need and
there's a lack of resources.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
And I say that as a therapist, there's.
Speaker 4 (07:54):
A lack of resources that I know of to offer
and I would even know to go to for myself.
When it comes to the specifics of this, I can
send you a specialist that works in this and o
city and eating disorders and depression and personality disorders. But
this I think is less common. I also think and
(08:16):
have experienced, this is something. I mean, with all mental
health stuff, we don't tend to like bring it out
into the opening of our lives. We've started to do
that more. Social media has helped. I think this is
still something that is somewhat kept behind.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Closed doors, and I can get it.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
For some people, it's a personal experience, but also what
we're going to be talking about today, it feels lonely,
like if I'm struggling with it and nobody else is
talking about it and there aren't resources to go to
for it. Does that mean that it's a me thing
or is this a thing that other people might go
through as well?
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Yeah, I mean, obviously, you know, I've built a business.
Speaker 3 (08:57):
I didn't know I was building a business. I thought
I was. I knew I wasn't alone, but I didn't
know it would be this much of a need. You know.
I knew there was a gap because I needed it.
I wanted it. It didn't exist.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
I would have happily applied to come work it readiness
counseling if it had existed, you know, but it wasn't
a thing. And so you're right, it's one of those
things that it's actually extremely common. You know, one and
four have a miscarriage, one and eight go through in fertility,
about twenty percent of women are going to get a
perionatal mood disorder. You know, So following childbirth, one in
(09:30):
a hundred births is stillborn. You know, there's just significant
and hugely emotional things that we were categorizing as a
natural part of life, that that we've capsuleized into natural
meaning you should know what to do, and of course
you don't. You've never gone through that before. You know,
(09:52):
how would any human know how to handle these things?
And so yeah, you know, like I said, even when
it goes well and it goes right, it's extremely stressful
and very disruptive to your relationships and your life. So
to be able to give someone the tools to not
just successfully survive it, but to actually hold space for
(10:13):
the sacred part of enjoying it and being able to
free up their capacity to be able to have it
enriched their relationship with other people around them, I mean.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
That's the human experience that we want, right.
Speaker 4 (10:29):
Yeah, And as you're speaking, I was thinking pregnancy, starting
a family, everything that goes into that is such a
huge life change. Pregnancy, starting a family, everything that goes
into that is such.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
A huge life change. And I'm getting married in February.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
Oh congratulations, thank you.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
But that is much easier for me to think about
it and for me to go through.
Speaker 4 (11:01):
I'm like, not much is gonna change things are gonna change,
and I don't know all the changes that will come,
but when I think about starting a family, I'm like,
that is when so much is going to have to shift.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
It is such a big deal.
Speaker 4 (11:13):
And even if you're excited about it, even if it
is something you want.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
At least you know your fiance and you get to
pick him. You don't get to choose your baby, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Yeah, or how yeah, or I don't know what to
expect at all.
Speaker 4 (11:26):
So I just think there's so much power and like,
even if this is something you want and it's something
that is excited, it still is such a huge deal.
And if there are any feelings that are needed to
be processed, there should be a space for you to
process that. And it doesn't mean that like you're going
to be a bad mom or you shouldn't have kids.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Oh gosh, No, I know you're a good mom. If
you walk in my door because you're here, you care, Yeah,
like just showing up and knowing like I kind of
need help. I'm not sure what I'm doing. Awesome, you
are step one into parenthood.
Speaker 3 (11:59):
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Yes, yeah, yeah, every journey is different, so it's great.
Speaker 4 (12:04):
We could talk about so much like I was saying,
you could probably we could do a series, and you
could be on this podcast for one year straight.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
There's a lot.
Speaker 4 (12:13):
What we're going to do today, though, is we're going
to talk about something that we haven't.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
We've talked about a lot, but not in this light
on this podcast.
Speaker 4 (12:22):
So most of you know that I specialize in eating disorders,
and I do a lot of work with body image
and talk about it.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
All day long.
Speaker 4 (12:30):
And I do have some clients that we have talked
about that process going through before you even get pregnant,
during pregnancy, and then afterwards and then the years to come,
but we have never sat down and talked about this
on the podcast and had a conversation specifically for those
in this stage of life. And so I would like
to focus on that today with you and hear some
(12:53):
of your experience and what you've learned and what you
have come to know about this very process. Because body
image is tough enough. Yeah, just out there on your
own dealing with life going perfectly, everything is, you know
what to expect all of that. And so when somebody
(13:15):
prepares to try to conceive, or when somebody does get pregnant,
or when somebody does get birth. I would love to
hear from your perspective how you have seen that rattle
people who might already have body image issues or people
who have never thought about that before. How has that
(13:35):
impact the person going through that process.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
It's massive, right, because it's you know, your body is
the one thing you can't like get out of. You
can alter it sort of, but you can't change it.
Like you are your body. You're inside it at all times.
And as silly and basic as that is to say,
you know, I think the first thing is that we
(13:59):
have taught our society that everyone we're raising that if
you have sex, you'll get pregnant, and that everyone can
get pregnant and then you'll know what to do once.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
The baby's here. Right, So it's like a triple threat.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Like all wrong, all wrong from the get go right,
and we're you know, usually making these statements out of
fear and protection and not out of actually empowerment and knowledge.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
And so to really kind of, I mean.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Baseline, accept the fact that you know, if you're a
grown up listening to this, like you don't know, you
don't necessarily know if your body is capable of conceiving
or carrying or and so it really kind of starts
with even being able to accept like what's ahead, you know,
like and we all kind of come in with a
(14:48):
preconception that it will go well and that I will
you know, the expectations are already set for how it
will go, how long it will take, and how successful
it will be. And when it isn't that, And I
mean at any point along in that journey, which it
isn't that. So even if everything goes right and everybody's
(15:10):
healthy in the end, there's still something It could be
some expectation that you held on too that was just
higher and probably unattainable, and you kind of set yourself up.
So that's really the main thing with you know, when
it comes to body image, is just kind of evaluating
and taking inventory from the beginning. What are my expectations here,
(15:31):
what do I think my body is gonna do? And
how important is that to me if that does or
doesn't happen.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
You know what is fascinating about how you answered that
question is it is I will say for me, when
I think about body image issues from the perspective of
trying to get pregnant and go through pregnancy, I think
of the way the body is changing how.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
It looks, right, you think big tummy right?
Speaker 4 (15:58):
Yep, yes, yes, you are bringing up such a important
point that the way our body responds or does what
it does is going to affect.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
How we view our body.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
Yes, if there are any issues, which I love you
saying it took a year to get pregnant. It doesn't
sound like a lot, but like, I can't imagine what
that year is like. That sounds like a long time
in the thoughts that go through your mind as you're like, okay,
another month goes by. They told me in high school,
don't have sex because you'll get pregnant and die on
(16:34):
mean girls, Like I thought that that's how it was
supposed to go.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
And it's not going this way. So what's wrong with me?
And what? And now I'm angry at my body?
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Yep, yep, not functioning. We're used to taking our bodies
for granted, right, which is kind of the counter to
not appreciating my body the way it looks. Right, So
it's like, well, when it doesn't look the way I
want it to, at least I have function. At least
I can say thank you arms for carrying this, thank
(17:06):
you hands, thank you feet, like we can always get
back down to basics when it comes to function. When
your body doesn't function in the way you want it
to or on the timeline you want it to. Now
we have a whole new value system to hate. We
have a whole new measure of worthiness that challenges us.
(17:26):
And that's just getting pregnant. So that's even just like
step one, right, because you're right, the mind goes to
culturally in society. It jumps to the social media picture
of four weeks postpartum, back to skinny jeans right when
you even say, like postpartum body image, that's where we go,
(17:47):
and it's like, oh, that's that is winning the lottery,
Like it's like that is the least of our problems here,
you know, And it goes all the way back to like,
how do I even think my body will function? And
can I stay in this body and accept this body
on the very baseline level of even getting to know
what's happening on the inside that I can't even see.
(18:10):
And it's amazing when you you know, work with people
who've gone through loss, have gone through infertility. Everyone will
take the extra thirty pounds that comes with pregnancy and
when you start to get a gain a perspective of
that deep sacred appreciation for that the body is just
a conduit that it even can function in a way to.
Speaker 3 (18:33):
Provide new life.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Whoa Like, now we're on a whole other level of
like who cares about the skinny genes? You know, it's like,
this is crazy, miraculous, awesome.
Speaker 4 (18:46):
When you have a client, when you have something that
comes in Because I'm assuming there's some people who are
listening to this that are like, I'm in that space
where I thought it was going to be easy because
people told me it was going to be easy and
it was easy for my friends or it was easy
for my sister or whoever it is, and it's it's not,
and I feel like there's something wrong with me. And
(19:07):
now I'm I'm almost like fighting a war within myself.
But also I'm like need to be on the same
team as my body in order for this to actually
give me myself a shot. What do you offer to
those people who come into your office with that, because
what we can't do I mean, I guess we could
do it. We can't say well, it's gonna be okay,
like everything's gonna and the end it's just it's gonna
(19:28):
be okay. That's can be not so helpful, and I
think that's a lot of the feedback we get in
the world. It's like, just keep trying, and I mean,
there's so many things I want to say, maybe you
weren't maybe maybe you weren't meant to be a mother,
and like, I think we get a lot of it.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
With these unhelpful platitudes. You know, that's yeah, you know.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
I mean, I think it kind of comes down to
you are more than your fertility journey. You are more
than your motherhood journey. You are more than your pregnancy journey.
And I don't know how your family will be built
or on what timeline, but I know you're here and
you matter, and you are worthy. And there is pain
(20:12):
and suffering in this life that I don't believe needs
explanation all the time. We would love it, We think
it would help us if we knew the explanation. But conception, pregnancy,
even postpartum, these are the things that like you can't
achieve your way out of them. I can't give you
(20:32):
a checklist that's going to say like, Okay, do these
things and you won't have postpartum depression, or that this
will get you pregnant. Right, It's like there's tons of
resources and tools out there. By the way, if anyone
guarantees those things they're lying to you. You know, it's
like I've just seen too many journeys. If I knew
(20:53):
a guarantee, I would love to make it, you know.
But it's one of those things that every person is
so much more than the reason they walk in my
door or sat on the couch, you know. And you
see this with your own clients. I'm certain you know
you're more than your eating disorder, You're more than your diagnosis.
And so tapping into what is that, tell me about her,
(21:14):
tell me about all these other things. And I really
truly believe in any season of waiting. I don't know why,
but I know it's not feudle and we may not
know why for.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
A long time.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
But just because it's not the way we wanted it
to go or the timeline that we wanted doesn't mean
just fast forward through it. This time doesn't matter, and
so it's a lot of meaning making in the present. Right,
Can you use this time to get communication skills with
(21:48):
your with your partner? Can we use this time to
take that trip you always wanted to go on. And again,
I know these are plan b. I know these are
not like what we want. But just because you don't
have what you want right now doesn't mean.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
You get nothing.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
So that's the beauty of working in like the something.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Yeah, oh that's so good.
Speaker 4 (22:10):
Just because you don't have what you want right now
doesn't mean you get nothing. I want everybody like write
that down and put it on their mirror or like
on the visor of their car where they can see it,
because that is actually a very hard concept, and when
you're in the not getting what I want, yep, is
a very hard concept, and sometimes it can feel I
(22:33):
think what comes to mind is like I don't want
a consolation prize. But it doesn't even necessarily mean you're
getting a consolation prize.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
There's just other stuff.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
Going on and happening in your life, correct, that is
outside of that thing. And I can hold space for
that sadness, and I can grieve with you and be
in that you aren't having the life you want right
now that you imagined, and at the same time we
can look at all these other things that I think
if you look back later, you would be wait a second.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
I'm so glad I didn't miss that.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Yeah, and when you're in it, of course, it only
feels negative, you know. It's when you're when you're in
that pit, there's no way you can say, oh, this
is the best thing that ever happened to me, you know.
It's like, but I don't know, it isn't no one does,
you know, And so it's one of those things like
I'm not going to point out any silver lining because
(23:27):
right now I know it totally sucks for you. Yeah,
but I'm not going to say like it will never
be Like I don't know that this isn't shaping you
into the mom your kid needs you to be. I
don't know, this isn't shaping you into the partner your
partner needs you to be, you know, or the friend
or you know that you're not supposed to write a
book about this someday.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Like I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
I don't know, but I'm here for it, and I
know your worthiness is not depleted because of it. Your
identity is not defined because of it, and in fact,
you will make meaning of it whether you like it
or not.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
It could be.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Bad, right, but you do have some semblance of control
over how you actually use this in your life.
Speaker 4 (24:09):
Which is also a good reminder is we don't have
to go one way. If it feels we don't have to,
then okay, well I'm going to make this now. Where
my life turns left and everything goes downhill, it doesn't
have to be that way.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
It might be difficult to turn right, but it doesn't
have to be that way.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
Yep, Okay.
Speaker 4 (24:30):
I want to talk about more going more towards the like,
the like physical uh, what my body looks like, body
image stuff. So I think most people can agree, and
if they don't agree, please email me because I would
love to hear your experience that the culturally societally, what
we are presented with is that you get pregnant, your
(24:51):
body changes, you gain a lot of weight, you have
a baby, and then you should be able to do
what you need to do in or to get back
to what you looked like before you had this baby.
Speaker 3 (25:03):
Right.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
So, I am not a doctor by any means, and
I have no idea. I've never gone through pregnancy. I
have no idea what happens when you get all of
the there. I learned something every day talking to my
friends and HAM members that are part. I'm like, what
you bought?
Speaker 1 (25:17):
You did? What this?
Speaker 3 (25:18):
What?
Speaker 1 (25:18):
Huh?
Speaker 4 (25:19):
So it is kind of a wild idea now versus
when I was younger and I didn't know as much
to think that I can have the same thing after
I go through this insane transformation trauma.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
Yes, totally, and you're not meant to you know.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I mean again, it's like, now, this isn't to say,
you know, there aren't legitimately healthy women whose bodies do
bounce back quote unquote right. So there are unicorns that exist.
I've seen some of them, but I think stereotypically, you know,
your average which mom is not a supermodel, is not
(26:03):
getting back into the same genes postpartum, at least not
within the first usually nine to twelve months. You know,
like it takes nine plus months to grow the baby,
it should definitely take that long to go back. And
there's so many factors included, one huge one being breastfeeding.
(26:24):
I'm a big believer fed is best. I do not
care if you breastfeed your baby at all. I care
that you feed the baby, you know, that's it. But
it does have an impact on your hormones, your metabolism.
It can kind of go in either direction. I've had
clients who, you know, their bodies responded by keeping weight
(26:44):
on while breastfeeding because it was like, our body is
nourishing another human. We're not letting go of any ounce
of anything, you know. I've had others that that was
the magic solution that the you know, they had a
big supply and they were able to burn more calorie
that way. And every time you nurse, your uterus contracts
and so it actually helps those muscles come back together.
(27:07):
But your how big your baby is, how strong your
core is before a giving birth to the baby, how
your muscles react to that, how it affects your lower back,
Your body and pregnancy is filled with this hormone called relaxing,
which literally relaxes the elasticity of your muscles, which is
(27:27):
why your ligaments around your sides and obliques are able.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
To expand, you know.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
And then if you you know, have a good vaginal birth,
that's going to be different than a sea section.
Speaker 3 (27:40):
You're going to recover different.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
You need to expect different things of your body of
recovering in those ways.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
So it is the wild.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
West when it comes to the spectrum of what is normal,
what's a normal birth anymore. You know, it's like a
healthy baby is the goal, right and a healthy mom
and there's a lot of ways to get there, and
so we're here to you know, support your choices in
what that looks like best for you and best for
like you in your context. And I think that's the thing,
(28:10):
is like, am I looking at Instagram and is this
a person who has her meals made for her or
access to a gym every day?
Speaker 3 (28:19):
Or is her job to look this way?
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Or you know, there's there's just so much behind the
scenes that you are probably they're not showing you. You know,
is this even photoshopped? Is this even a not real image?
You know, there's so many things, And am I comparing
myself to that in my own context as a busy
working person. You know, maybe you don't have access to
(28:43):
that organic, healthy food, maybe you don't have access to
a gym or time for it, or it's not a
priority for you. You are your own person, right and so
what you want out of that experience has to align
with your expectations for yourself.
Speaker 4 (28:58):
Afterward, the word priority felt very important in that what
you just said, because one I heard you say, the
norm is not to be fitting in the same pants
you were wearing before you got pregnant a month after
you give birth.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
That's not the norm.
Speaker 4 (29:16):
That's the exception, and it happens, and it happens sometimes
because of the things you said we have. Maybe that's
my job, and I have people cooking my meals. I
my job is to work out. Maybe I'm an athlete,
who any of that.
Speaker 3 (29:30):
Yep.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
Sometimes that's the reason, and sometimes it's just that's the
way that person's body is. And it doesn't mean that
their body is better than yours or it works better.
It just is the way it is. It's the same
reason that me and you could eat the same foods
every day and had the same workout plan and we
could look totally different. Yep. It doesn't mean that your
body's better in mine is. It's just different. It's beautiful, Yeah,
(29:53):
and can we honor that versus we can trace this
back to where originated. But we have found this one
ideal that we're all supposed to strive for. But how
does that make sense? Because we are all so different,
even in the way we conceive, even in the way
(30:14):
we give birth, even the way if we can breastfeet,
if we if we can if we want to. If
we not, we're so different, so how would we all
get that same result.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
The same way?
Speaker 4 (30:24):
And then I heard you say priority, and that is
like a siren. If it is not your priority to
be in the gym every day, if it is not
your priority to make sure every meal you eat you
cook yourself and it's with fresh food from a farmer's
if that's not your priority, that feels okay to me.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
Yeah, that's your choice, own it.
Speaker 4 (30:48):
Yeah, if it's not your priority for your body to
look And I think that we take we get some
agency taken away from.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
Us from culture, Like culture says this.
Speaker 4 (30:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (30:58):
If culture says you should look this person didn or
this person did it, or we glamorize and we give
attention to the people that do that, then it tells us, well,
that should be what I want. But we have we
sat down and asked ourselves, Wait, what do you want
the beginning stages of motherhood to look like for you?
Speaker 3 (31:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (31:18):
And it's essential because it shapes your expectations, you know,
because if you say, like, okay, well that's not a
priority for me, but my expectation is that my body
will look that way. Eh, you're set yourself up for failure,
you know. And we see that even along the way
with how sick you are in the first trimester, or
(31:39):
if you're disappointed by what gender baby you're having, or
the biggest one is the labor and delivery experience. If
that went off the rails and it ended in a
way that you did not have planned, then you failed,
right And again, so much of that is held in
expectations of course you didn't fail. And on the outside
(31:59):
we can see how kind of ridiculous that is, you know,
when we are just talking about how miraculous and amazing
your body is, you know.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
That's like are you kidding?
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Like how could you think of yourself as anything less
than super and amazing and like literally superhuman, you know.
And and yeah, and I and I say that from experience.
I have had four c sections.
Speaker 3 (32:23):
It's awesome. I feel great about it, you know.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
So it's like it's one of those things that I'm
not sitting here with a life experience where I got
my perfect water berth and everything was easy or something,
you know, And so I just want to like own that, like, no,
I can absolutely believe this and it was super hard.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
I'm curious.
Speaker 4 (32:44):
I've had a couple friends who had plans to have
the very natural I don't know if I've had a
friend have a water berth, but of very natural, no medicine,
just is what we're going to do. We have the
birthing plan that da da da da. We work on
it the whole and then it gets to delivery time
(33:04):
and it's like, sorry, if you want this baby, and
if you want to be able to hold this baby,
we have.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
To make some decisions right now.
Speaker 4 (33:12):
And in that process, you don't from I haven't gone
through it, through it, but from what I've heard, you
don't have time to process that.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
It is.
Speaker 4 (33:21):
We're doing this, let's go, and then thirty seconds then
you have a baby in your hand kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes, if need be, it can be minutes.
I mean, if it's an emergency, the average is like
eight minutes from like zero to go, and that's an emergency.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
But even if it isn't an emergency.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
If it's like this is not happening, there's kind of
some risk for infection, or the baby's the heart rate
is accelerated, or you know, there's a lot of good
reasons that it adds up to not looking like it's
gonna work out naturally. Then even then once you say okay,
it's about twenty minutes in the and then you know,
(34:01):
so it's still it's very fast, very fast.
Speaker 4 (34:04):
And there's a couple things that come up. And I'm
curious about your experience and just your experience as a
therapist as well, when you have your heart set on
something like that and you work so hard. Yeah, because
I have seen people work so hard to be able
to get to the place where they can do that
and then their body says, hey, this isn't going as planned.
(34:28):
There is another option. I can't imagine that that feels
similar to the feeling of my bodies against you, and
I can't conceive it's different.
Speaker 1 (34:37):
But that's saying like my body's letting.
Speaker 2 (34:39):
Me down, devastating. I mean, it is one of the
things we counsel quite often. You know that it's easier
if we know ahead of time and you're pregnant and
we're talking about those expectations and we can get a
little wiggle room of.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
Like just education, right because.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
One of the flaws in birth education is that we
don't even tell moms any thing about c sections, and
so it's like, oh, we don't want that to happen,
and I don't want to learn anything about it because
that's scary, right, And so a lot of birth education
isn't at all like and so I definitely I think
(35:15):
knowledge is power. I think it makes it less scary
to just even know, like, hey, if this happens, we've
we're here, we got this, this is the plan. If
the plan needs a change, we know what to do,
and it's way less scary if we know those options, right,
and then to be able to actually assign proper value
to like what is the moment you really want? You know,
(35:39):
like is it pushing the baby out? Or is it
holding the baby after? What are some of these things
that we can like actually take as empowering moments for you?
And you may not get all of them, you know,
but we can at least start with the ideal and
build some expectation options around that of how that might
(36:02):
be diverted for better or for worse.
Speaker 4 (36:05):
That's interesting that you get like nothing, because my growing
up I remember thinking and hearing if like somebody said
sea section.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
I knew one person that had one, it was like
they had to have a sea section.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
Right, oh my gosh.
Speaker 4 (36:22):
But but it was also said in the way of like,
oh god, like the very elusive and bad and when yeah,
it is a surgery, and the what is crazy to
me is that you're like fully awake during it, and
it does sound scary. At the same time, if I
were to count my close friends and family members that
(36:44):
have given birth recently, I think half or more have
had sea sections.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
Yeah, the stats are around a third at most American hospitals,
so it's still fairly high.
Speaker 3 (36:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (36:56):
Yeah, so it's not as like oh, so and so
out of season, right, you know, And I feel like
that's important. And if people had more education about what
really goes on and why somebody might choose to have
that or end up having that, I think that could
be very.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
Helpful, Yes, and incredibly empowering. And again, we're just eliminating
the fear around it, you know, and also empowering you
with the information of all the options, all the.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
Breathing, all that.
Speaker 2 (37:26):
You know, there's a million ways to give birth, so
how we get the baby out is one component of
an incredibly beautiful visceral experience that your joy in it
can't just be contingent upon one very rigid way.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
Yeah, and that's what I.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
Want to help people kind of expand it's like, yeah,
whether you carry differently and your body looks like you
didn't think it would or you don't or like whatever
the expectation is, can we get to a place of
acceptance and mean making that can actually offer you the
result of not just coming to peace with it, but
(38:06):
actually appreciating and being grateful for it.
Speaker 4 (38:09):
When in good and successful. You can apply this to
many things can look very different. It has a lot
of different faces, as a lot of different shapes, and
you get to we get to decide what that actually
is for us and going back to just like I
(38:31):
keep thinking about body image, how we view our bodies postpartum.
Also let's not ignore how we view other people's how
we view other people's bodies, because how we are looking
at other people impacts how we also view ourselves. And
so what we decide is good or right or successful
(38:52):
in other people, we are going to also it's going
to somehow come back to us and we get to
actually again going back to that agency, get to decide
what that is. I wonder when people come in to you, guys,
do you get a lot of like, I don't feel
like myself in that, like, this isn't my body.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
Yeah, especially if there is a feeding issue. So if
you are pumping exclusively, or pumping or not sleeping, you know,
and or breastfeeding directly, where literally your breasts are food
for your child. The hormones and the prolactin that helps
make the milk in your body. It suppresses a lot
(39:34):
of other things such as libido, you know, and so
you're you're not feeling up for that. You know, you're
feeling touched out because your baby is literally on you
all day. So there's just a lot of weird like
and I think again expectation like, oh, once I get
this crazy alien out of my tommy, I'll feel like
(39:55):
myself again, right, And then it's like, oh no, now
I'm tethered to this cute creature and needed in a
whole other way. And my body is recovering, you know,
And so your tommy is jiggly and your boobs are
sagging and you know, and there's blood and milk.
Speaker 3 (40:12):
Everywhere and the whole thing.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Girl, And it's one of these things that's like it's
so frank and steiny in the moment you know that
you're just sort of like caught off guard that like,
oh this is me, Like this is me and that
takes time. But it's like being compassionate with yourself and
allowing time as an element of healing to bring some
(40:37):
of that process back.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
Yeah, but that's a great answer. The reason people don't
like that answer is we don't want it to take time, right, Well,
I want you, yeah, I want to be myself. I
waited nine months to feel myself again, or I've already
been in this for this amount of time or so
and so did it in this time.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
We don't we don't want time with anything. If you think.
Speaker 4 (40:59):
One of the things I see that comes up a
lot in the population that I work with is in relationships.
Speaker 1 (41:06):
We don't want time.
Speaker 4 (41:07):
We want to give everybody our life story in and
divulge our trauma and bond with this person that I
met yesterday. Like, we don't want time to be a
part of anything. And we can see where that comes from.
Our culture is very go go go do this, do that?
Change your mind now, you want this? Now there's this
over there that you might want. Go do that now.
(41:28):
It seems like we don't have it. But that's such
an important element that one you can't do anything about it,
like it just is, it is what it is, and
so how do we how in that space?
Speaker 1 (41:41):
How do we learn how to sit? And like you
said earlier, just because.
Speaker 4 (41:45):
You aren't at that space or just because you don't
have what you want right now, it doesn't mean there's
not stuff here that is happening that is good that
you can experience. I've known notice in my life, not
within pregnancies, but when I have had my eye on something.
Let's just I do this with like if I have
a vacation coming up, I'm like, I gotta hit to
the vacation d D. And then like three months go
(42:08):
by and I'm like, what happened? Like I've been had
my eye on this one thing, and I ignored all
the other stuff that was going on. And so there's
a lot of I can't even begin to imagine how
much stuff is happening. Yes, after you give birth to
a human being and you're watching it grow so much
(42:28):
every day and there's something new every day, there's so
much there to hold on to and focus on. I
would imagine, Yeah, that is outside of getting back to
our pre baby.
Speaker 2 (42:40):
Body, yeah, and I will say, you know, a little
bit of grace that in it. You know, right after
you give birth, as you're recovering.
Speaker 3 (42:49):
Your capacity is so shot.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
I mean, like you are focused on the baby, you know,
like you're consumed with this new, beautiful creature. And so
there is some mostly for most people, you know, like
I just can't even think about that, Like I just
I literally cannot even hold a thought of judgment about
anything right now. I'm so consumed with this, and in
(43:14):
good ways and also in sleep deprivation ways, you know.
And so then it really is a little bit further out,
you know, more four or six, maybe even twelve weeks,
you know, where it's like, oh this, this little you know,
pooch in my tummy hasn't gone down yet, or oh my,
you know, I still look this way, or I thought
(43:35):
this would fit by now, or that's when you know,
you start kind of shuffling through clothes. That's where you know,
the disappointment starts to surface. Right you do give yourself.
I think most women give themselves some grace right after,
simply because they can't function otherwise. But that's when I
(43:55):
like to say, and this is the most practical advice
I can give is like, get one postpartum power outfit,
Like it does not have to be expensive. It can
come from Target, old Navy girl, I don't care. It's
like Amazon yourself something that you can have those black
leggings and that shirt and shawl or whatever that you
(44:17):
can go grab drinks with the girls that night and
try to leave your baby for a couple hours. You know,
it's like, just put on something, get some one outfit
that you're like, I kind of feel put together.
Speaker 3 (44:30):
It's not where I'm ending the destination.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
I still have a ways to go, but right now,
you know, because that's the biggest barrier in clothing for
postpartum is the in between is like well, now I've
got like some nursing tanks, or now I've got you know,
this size is too big because it's maternity, but that
size is too small because it's pre pregnancy, and you're
(44:53):
kind of in between, right and so there really needs
to be just like one good outfit that you can
be slov the rest of the day. I don't care
at all, nobody's cared, but you need to find one
thing that you can put on and feel.
Speaker 1 (45:07):
Good and you don't have to think about it when
you put it on.
Speaker 3 (45:09):
Yes, and that's you. You know that you feel like
yourself in Yeah.
Speaker 4 (45:14):
I think that's a great, great advice I tell clients,
especially going through eating disorder recovery, because your body does
all kinds of things. Is we always need to have
one or two things that I don't have to think.
I know if I put that on, I won't mess
with it, I won't pull on it. I won't be
thinking about what I look like. I will feel maybe
not myself all the time, but I will feel comfortable
(45:37):
in it.
Speaker 3 (45:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:39):
And if you're having a bad day, go put it on. Yes,
go put it on. You don't need to have this
trendy outfit. You don't need to like go out and
get the new genes every just go put that on.
Speaker 3 (45:49):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (45:50):
So I love that.
Speaker 4 (45:50):
What else would you say as we kind of wrap
this up, if you are somebody who either is struggling
with this now because they're going through through it, or
I even think about I do hear a lot in
with the clients that I work with. Fears around getting
pregnant and deciding that I'm even going to start that
(46:11):
process to try it. Are fears around well, what is
going to happen in my body? And that is a
I mean that's a whole grating process.
Speaker 3 (46:19):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (46:20):
Yeah, So what would.
Speaker 4 (46:21):
You offer, What would you encourage people that are going
through any of those stages to do, because like I
said before, I don't think many people know that there
are resources, yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (46:34):
That kind of stuff.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
Absolutely, we love it. Bring all the questions here, you know,
I mean, your history definitely matters. You know, if you've
had a history of eating disorders or body dysmorphia or
something that is you know, you know it's going to
be a trigger if your body looks different, because it
will look different. There are some normal fears and then
there are some not so normal, disordered fears that would
(47:00):
you know, usually prevent people from from getting pregnant because
the fear is too much, you know.
Speaker 3 (47:05):
So we can talk for those two.
Speaker 2 (47:07):
But yeah, I mean I think the baseline, the most
basic advice is this is no longer about you. So
we're going to just get you out of your head
about your body and really get functional and scientific and
understanding and compassionate that this is now about another human
(47:27):
that you want to bring into the world. And I
do feel like we get selfless with the focus, and
that is so much more motivating. I mean, it's like
to ask any mom, it's like, you should do this
for yourself, Okay, you should do this for your kids.
Speaker 3 (47:44):
I'm on it.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
You know, it's like absolutely. And so when we refocus
the goal to being external, you know, this is going
to be for the baby, Like we're naturally motivated than
to work harder or or do that for them, or
treat myself better, you know, and as the carrier of
(48:05):
your own child, how do you want to be treated?
Becomes a little more simplistic, right, It's like, oh, okay,
so at least we can actually leverage that during this
pregnancy season, and then along the way set up like
check in points for like how are you feeling about that,
you know, and where did that come from?
Speaker 3 (48:25):
And a lot of times there will.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
Be you know, some of those voices that surface that's
either a you know, critical mother or or social media
or an ex boyfriend or something from the past that
like was toxic and put them down. And so really
being able to kind of identify that as like not
helpful and not true and then about you and not
(48:49):
the baby, right, And so then again kind of bringing
back focus like, oh, this is actually a means to
a goal that I really want, so I can do that.
I can do this, and it becomes much more outside
of yourself, which I think is also freeing because you're like, yeah,
oh this isn't even about me.
Speaker 1 (49:09):
Oh I like that.
Speaker 4 (49:11):
So if people want to contact you, yeah, I know
you have. You said you opened up in North Carolina.
Speaker 3 (49:17):
Is that South Carolina?
Speaker 1 (49:18):
Charles South Carolina?
Speaker 4 (49:19):
Yeah, Charleston, So do you work outside of those two places?
Can you see people outside of South Carolina?
Speaker 2 (49:25):
Tennessee, So, Tennessee, Florida, we're registered for telehealth, and South Carolina.
So currently those are the three states so we can
we can offer. But then we do have some virtual
support groups. There's a New Moms group and there's a
Lost group. Those are virtual and they can join from anywhere.
And then we have some online courses that are on
(49:46):
readinest Online dot com. And again we are always adding
to that library. So we encourage y' all to find
us at Readiness Counseling dot com, find us on Instagram,
reach out with your questions. If we can't help you,
we I have to connect you to someone in your
area who can and to be able to just support you.
And if you're a mental health provider or a birth worker,
(50:08):
we're here to consult on that as well, because I
think you know our specialty is unique and we're here
to fill those gaps. So we love linking arms and
making sure everyone gets the resources they need.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
Yeah, okay, well, thank you. I will put for everybody listening.
Speaker 4 (50:21):
I'm going to put any link that you may need
connected to what Emily just said in the show notes,
so you can easily find that stuff.
Speaker 1 (50:29):
And even if you don't need it now, save it.
Speaker 4 (50:31):
Save it because you don't know when you may need
something like this and you want to be able to
remember where you heard that thing.
Speaker 1 (50:38):
So Emily, thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (50:40):
This was so nice to be able to talk about
this in a different context and helpful not only to
me as a professional to be able to help people better,
but to be able to talk to my friends better
or even think about my future.
Speaker 1 (50:54):
It's been great, So thank.
Speaker 3 (50:55):
You, awesome, thank you.
Speaker 4 (51:01):
Bo
Coming up on you need therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I can't give you a checklist that's going to say like, Okay,
do these things and you won't have postpartum depression, or
that this will get you pregnant. By the way, if
anyone guarantees those things, they're lying to you. You know,
it's like I've just seen too many journeys. If I
knew a guarantee, I would love to make it, you know,
But it's one of those things that every person is
(00:25):
so much more than the reason they won open my
door or sat on the couch. I started to realize
that not being an expert isn't a liability, it's a
real gift. If we don't know something about ourselves at
this point in our life, it's probably because it's uncomfortable
to know.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
If you can die before you die, then you can
really live.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
There's a wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah,
and I didn't know what to do because there was
no internet.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel like everything
is hard.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Hey, y'all, my name is Kat.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second, and
right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope
encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,
and the world around you.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Welcome to You Need Therapy.
Speaker 4 (01:20):
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You
Need Therapy Podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
I'm Kat, I'm the host, and so glad you're here.
Speaker 4 (01:28):
I wanted to give a quick disclaimer before we get
into today's episode that although I'm a therapist and I
actually have another therapist coming on to talk to us today,
that this podcast does not serve as a replacement or
substitute for any mental health services, although we always hope
that it.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Can help in some way.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
So this week we are talking about something we have
not talked about yet. We have talked about body image
a lot, and eating disorders and disordered eating. We've done
multiple episodes on that throughout the year or throughout the years,
because we've been doing this for maybe five years, four years.
But what we haven't talked about is specifically body image
(02:09):
when it comes to pregnancy, postpartum, or even as you're
trying to conceive. So this week I have the CEO
and the founder of Readiness Counseling, which is a practice
that specializes with clients in the life stages of conception, pregnancy, postpartum, parenthood,
(02:30):
infertility and loss, all the things associated with that. And
so I have the founder, Emily Party here today and
we are going to do a little dive into the
ins and outs of body image and what comes up
when you are trying to get pregnant, when you're pregnant,
and after you give birth. I'm really excited to have
(02:52):
her here, and I'm also really excited to share her
as a resource with people in our community here in
Nashville and in the communities that she serves. I will
link everything that you need in order to find her
in our show notes, her website, their instagram. So if
you hear something that sparks your interest, you can reach
out and contact them. Know that you can always reach
(03:14):
out and contact me Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast
dot com if you have any questions or thoughts that
come out up around the episodes and the conversations we
have on here. So I'd like to introduce you to
my conversation with Emily Party. Okay, guys, welcome to a
(03:34):
new episode of You Need Therapy Podcast.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
This is Kat here.
Speaker 4 (03:40):
The host that you know already and I am here
with a new friend named Emily who is the CEO
and founder of Readiness Counseling that I recently discovered outside
of even my own professional world. It found me through
my personal world. So so I would like to start
(04:02):
this conversation off with Emily, you telling us a little
bit about yourself, anything you would want us to know
before we dive into this conversation. And then can you
give us a summary of what you guys do And
I'm really interested in what it was that to drive
you to create this.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Awesome Yes, of course, thank you so much for having
me today. So Readiness Counseling exists to serve individuals and
couples through the life stages of pregnancy, postpartum, infertility, loss,
and early parenting. And we have individual counseling. Like I said, couples,
they come in because that is the inciting incident. Something
(04:45):
in that milestone of life brings them here. Has you know,
could be a perinatal mood disorder like anxiety or postpartum depression.
It could just be communication issues because this is a
stressful milestone even when everything goes right all the way
through to like infertility trauma, medical birth, trauma, things like
that that we're really here to hold space for. So, yeah,
(05:08):
you know, it's one of those things I kind of
at this point say it's like if you're old enough
to know hairclub for men. It's like, I'm not just
the president, I'm also a user, you know. It's like
I've been through everything I treat in one facet or another.
I am the mother of four daughters, and so maternal
mental health is a huge, huge thing for me to
(05:31):
be able to hopefully change the landscape of how we
talk about it, how we dialogue effectively about it, how
we learn about it earlier on, and to normalize that
for my daughters to be able to grow up in
a world. But even before that, where you really see
me start all of this, what was before I became
(05:52):
a parent. My husband Josh and I will be married
seventeen years next month, and we knew after being married
a couple of years, we wanted we thought we wanted
to start a family, but we were like, how do
you know, how do you know when to start a family?
Like it's such a monumental, major thing. And we had
had a really good experience with our premarital counselor so
we went back to him and he was like, wait, so, like,
(06:14):
nothing's wrong.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
What are you guys here for?
Speaker 2 (06:16):
You know? And we're like no, no, like we're excited,
we just don't know what we're doing. We're not sure
are we ready to jump in? And so we, by happenstance,
ended up getting good counseling for several months, ended up
taking you know, about a year to conceive our first
which in hindsight doesn't feel like that long, but when
you are in it, if you're a listener who wants
(06:38):
to be pregnant, you want to be pregnant yesterday, you know.
And so that was kind of the spark of just
being able to see the value of investing in our
relationship and who we are as people and our expectations.
Then I wrote a book about becoming a mother, and
then we ended up moving to Nashville from southern California
to go to grad school to get my marriage and
(07:00):
Family therapy master's degree, and then launched Readiness. Two weeks
after graduation, I had my third daughter, which kind of
sums me up, yeah, and then launched that following year
and now have a fourth daughter, my rainbow baby that
followed a miscarriage in between as well, So it's very
(07:22):
ingrained in my life.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
I love what I do.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
It's a privilege to walk people through these huge moments,
these vulnerable spaces. And we are blessed to now have
a location in Nashville, Knoxville, and we just launched Charleston,
so we're stepping outside of Tennessee as well and really
excited to be able to help people wherever they are.
Speaker 4 (07:43):
That's amazing that it's grown the way it has, and
I imagine it is growing because there's a need and
there's a lack of resources.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
And I say that as a therapist, there's.
Speaker 4 (07:54):
A lack of resources that I know of to offer
and I would even know to go to for myself.
When it comes to the specifics of this, I can
send you a specialist that works in this and o
city and eating disorders and depression and personality disorders. But
this I think is less common. I also think and
(08:16):
have experienced, this is something. I mean, with all mental
health stuff, we don't tend to like bring it out
into the opening of our lives. We've started to do
that more. Social media has helped. I think this is
still something that is somewhat kept behind.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Closed doors, and I can get it.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
For some people, it's a personal experience, but also what
we're going to be talking about today, it feels lonely,
like if I'm struggling with it and nobody else is
talking about it and there aren't resources to go to
for it. Does that mean that it's a me thing
or is this a thing that other people might go
through as well?
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Yeah, I mean, obviously, you know, I've built a business.
Speaker 3 (08:57):
I didn't know I was building a business. I thought
I was. I knew I wasn't alone, but I didn't
know it would be this much of a need. You know.
I knew there was a gap because I needed it.
I wanted it. It didn't exist.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
I would have happily applied to come work it readiness
counseling if it had existed, you know, but it wasn't
a thing. And so you're right, it's one of those
things that it's actually extremely common. You know, one and
four have a miscarriage, one and eight go through in fertility,
about twenty percent of women are going to get a
perionatal mood disorder. You know, So following childbirth, one in
(09:30):
a hundred births is stillborn. You know, there's just significant
and hugely emotional things that we were categorizing as a
natural part of life, that that we've capsuleized into natural
meaning you should know what to do, and of course
you don't. You've never gone through that before. You know,
(09:52):
how would any human know how to handle these things?
And so yeah, you know, like I said, even when
it goes well and it goes right, it's extremely stressful
and very disruptive to your relationships and your life. So
to be able to give someone the tools to not
just successfully survive it, but to actually hold space for
(10:13):
the sacred part of enjoying it and being able to
free up their capacity to be able to have it
enriched their relationship with other people around them, I mean.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
That's the human experience that we want, right.
Speaker 4 (10:29):
Yeah, And as you're speaking, I was thinking pregnancy, starting
a family, everything that goes into that is such a
huge life change. Pregnancy, starting a family, everything that goes
into that is such.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
A huge life change. And I'm getting married in February.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
Oh congratulations, thank you.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
But that is much easier for me to think about
it and for me to go through.
Speaker 4 (11:01):
I'm like, not much is gonna change things are gonna change,
and I don't know all the changes that will come,
but when I think about starting a family, I'm like,
that is when so much is going to have to shift.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
It is such a big deal.
Speaker 4 (11:13):
And even if you're excited about it, even if it
is something you want.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
At least you know your fiance and you get to
pick him. You don't get to choose your baby, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Yeah, or how yeah, or I don't know what to
expect at all.
Speaker 4 (11:26):
So I just think there's so much power and like,
even if this is something you want and it's something
that is excited, it still is such a huge deal.
And if there are any feelings that are needed to
be processed, there should be a space for you to
process that. And it doesn't mean that like you're going
to be a bad mom or you shouldn't have kids.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Oh gosh, No, I know you're a good mom. If
you walk in my door because you're here, you care, Yeah,
like just showing up and knowing like I kind of
need help. I'm not sure what I'm doing. Awesome, you
are step one into parenthood.
Speaker 3 (11:59):
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Yes, yeah, yeah, every journey is different, so it's great.
Speaker 4 (12:04):
We could talk about so much like I was saying,
you could probably we could do a series, and you
could be on this podcast for one year straight.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
There's a lot.
Speaker 4 (12:13):
What we're going to do today, though, is we're going
to talk about something that we haven't.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
We've talked about a lot, but not in this light
on this podcast.
Speaker 4 (12:22):
So most of you know that I specialize in eating disorders,
and I do a lot of work with body image
and talk about it.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
All day long.
Speaker 4 (12:30):
And I do have some clients that we have talked
about that process going through before you even get pregnant,
during pregnancy, and then afterwards and then the years to come,
but we have never sat down and talked about this
on the podcast and had a conversation specifically for those
in this stage of life. And so I would like
to focus on that today with you and hear some
(12:53):
of your experience and what you've learned and what you
have come to know about this very process. Because body
image is tough enough. Yeah, just out there on your
own dealing with life going perfectly, everything is, you know
what to expect all of that. And so when somebody
(13:15):
prepares to try to conceive, or when somebody does get pregnant,
or when somebody does get birth. I would love to
hear from your perspective how you have seen that rattle
people who might already have body image issues or people
who have never thought about that before. How has that
(13:35):
impact the person going through that process.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
It's massive, right, because it's you know, your body is
the one thing you can't like get out of. You
can alter it sort of, but you can't change it.
Like you are your body. You're inside it at all times.
And as silly and basic as that is to say,
you know, I think the first thing is that we
(13:59):
have taught our society that everyone we're raising that if
you have sex, you'll get pregnant, and that everyone can
get pregnant and then you'll know what to do once.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
The baby's here. Right, So it's like a triple threat.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Like all wrong, all wrong from the get go right,
and we're you know, usually making these statements out of
fear and protection and not out of actually empowerment and knowledge.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
And so to really kind of, I mean.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Baseline, accept the fact that you know, if you're a
grown up listening to this, like you don't know, you
don't necessarily know if your body is capable of conceiving
or carrying or and so it really kind of starts
with even being able to accept like what's ahead, you know,
like and we all kind of come in with a
(14:48):
preconception that it will go well and that I will
you know, the expectations are already set for how it
will go, how long it will take, and how successful
it will be. And when it isn't that, And I
mean at any point along in that journey, which it
isn't that. So even if everything goes right and everybody's
(15:10):
healthy in the end, there's still something It could be
some expectation that you held on too that was just
higher and probably unattainable, and you kind of set yourself up.
So that's really the main thing with you know, when
it comes to body image, is just kind of evaluating
and taking inventory from the beginning. What are my expectations here,
(15:31):
what do I think my body is gonna do? And
how important is that to me if that does or
doesn't happen.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
You know what is fascinating about how you answered that
question is it is I will say for me, when
I think about body image issues from the perspective of
trying to get pregnant and go through pregnancy, I think
of the way the body is changing how.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
It looks, right, you think big tummy right?
Speaker 4 (15:58):
Yep, yes, yes, you are bringing up such a important
point that the way our body responds or does what
it does is going to affect.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
How we view our body.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
Yes, if there are any issues, which I love you
saying it took a year to get pregnant. It doesn't
sound like a lot, but like, I can't imagine what
that year is like. That sounds like a long time
in the thoughts that go through your mind as you're like, okay,
another month goes by. They told me in high school,
don't have sex because you'll get pregnant and die on
(16:34):
mean girls, Like I thought that that's how it was
supposed to go.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
And it's not going this way. So what's wrong with me?
And what? And now I'm angry at my body?
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Yep, yep, not functioning. We're used to taking our bodies
for granted, right, which is kind of the counter to
not appreciating my body the way it looks. Right, So
it's like, well, when it doesn't look the way I
want it to, at least I have function. At least
I can say thank you arms for carrying this, thank
(17:06):
you hands, thank you feet, like we can always get
back down to basics when it comes to function. When
your body doesn't function in the way you want it
to or on the timeline you want it to. Now
we have a whole new value system to hate. We
have a whole new measure of worthiness that challenges us.
(17:26):
And that's just getting pregnant. So that's even just like
step one, right, because you're right, the mind goes to
culturally in society. It jumps to the social media picture
of four weeks postpartum, back to skinny jeans right when
you even say, like postpartum body image, that's where we go,
(17:47):
and it's like, oh, that's that is winning the lottery,
Like it's like that is the least of our problems here,
you know, And it goes all the way back to like,
how do I even think my body will function? And
can I stay in this body and accept this body
on the very baseline level of even getting to know
what's happening on the inside that I can't even see.
(18:10):
And it's amazing when you you know, work with people
who've gone through loss, have gone through infertility. Everyone will
take the extra thirty pounds that comes with pregnancy and
when you start to get a gain a perspective of
that deep sacred appreciation for that the body is just
a conduit that it even can function in a way to.
Speaker 3 (18:33):
Provide new life.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Whoa Like, now we're on a whole other level of
like who cares about the skinny genes? You know, it's like,
this is crazy, miraculous, awesome.
Speaker 4 (18:46):
When you have a client, when you have something that
comes in Because I'm assuming there's some people who are
listening to this that are like, I'm in that space
where I thought it was going to be easy because
people told me it was going to be easy and
it was easy for my friends or it was easy
for my sister or whoever it is, and it's it's not,
and I feel like there's something wrong with me. And
(19:07):
now I'm I'm almost like fighting a war within myself.
But also I'm like need to be on the same
team as my body in order for this to actually
give me myself a shot. What do you offer to
those people who come into your office with that, because
what we can't do I mean, I guess we could
do it. We can't say well, it's gonna be okay,
like everything's gonna and the end it's just it's gonna
(19:28):
be okay. That's can be not so helpful, and I
think that's a lot of the feedback we get in
the world. It's like, just keep trying, and I mean,
there's so many things I want to say, maybe you
weren't maybe maybe you weren't meant to be a mother,
and like, I think we get a lot of it.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
With these unhelpful platitudes. You know, that's yeah, you know.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
I mean, I think it kind of comes down to
you are more than your fertility journey. You are more
than your motherhood journey. You are more than your pregnancy journey.
And I don't know how your family will be built
or on what timeline, but I know you're here and
you matter, and you are worthy. And there is pain
(20:12):
and suffering in this life that I don't believe needs
explanation all the time. We would love it, We think
it would help us if we knew the explanation. But conception, pregnancy,
even postpartum, these are the things that like you can't
achieve your way out of them. I can't give you
(20:32):
a checklist that's going to say like, Okay, do these
things and you won't have postpartum depression, or that this
will get you pregnant. Right, It's like there's tons of
resources and tools out there. By the way, if anyone
guarantees those things they're lying to you. You know, it's
like I've just seen too many journeys. If I knew
(20:53):
a guarantee, I would love to make it, you know.
But it's one of those things that every person is
so much more than the reason they walk in my
door or sat on the couch, you know. And you
see this with your own clients. I'm certain you know
you're more than your eating disorder, You're more than your diagnosis.
And so tapping into what is that, tell me about her,
(21:14):
tell me about all these other things. And I really
truly believe in any season of waiting. I don't know why,
but I know it's not feudle and we may not
know why for.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
A long time.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
But just because it's not the way we wanted it
to go or the timeline that we wanted doesn't mean
just fast forward through it. This time doesn't matter, and
so it's a lot of meaning making in the present. Right,
Can you use this time to get communication skills with
(21:48):
your with your partner? Can we use this time to
take that trip you always wanted to go on. And again,
I know these are plan b. I know these are
not like what we want. But just because you don't
have what you want right now doesn't mean.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
You get nothing.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
So that's the beauty of working in like the something.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Yeah, oh that's so good.
Speaker 4 (22:10):
Just because you don't have what you want right now
doesn't mean you get nothing. I want everybody like write
that down and put it on their mirror or like
on the visor of their car where they can see it,
because that is actually a very hard concept, and when
you're in the not getting what I want, yep, is
a very hard concept, and sometimes it can feel I
(22:33):
think what comes to mind is like I don't want
a consolation prize. But it doesn't even necessarily mean you're
getting a consolation prize.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
There's just other stuff.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
Going on and happening in your life, correct, that is
outside of that thing. And I can hold space for
that sadness, and I can grieve with you and be
in that you aren't having the life you want right
now that you imagined, and at the same time we
can look at all these other things that I think
if you look back later, you would be wait a second.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
I'm so glad I didn't miss that.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Yeah, and when you're in it, of course, it only
feels negative, you know. It's when you're when you're in
that pit, there's no way you can say, oh, this
is the best thing that ever happened to me, you know.
It's like, but I don't know, it isn't no one does,
you know, And so it's one of those things like
I'm not going to point out any silver lining because
(23:27):
right now I know it totally sucks for you. Yeah,
but I'm not going to say like it will never
be Like I don't know that this isn't shaping you
into the mom your kid needs you to be. I
don't know, this isn't shaping you into the partner your
partner needs you to be, you know, or the friend
or you know that you're not supposed to write a
book about this someday.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Like I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
I don't know, but I'm here for it, and I
know your worthiness is not depleted because of it. Your
identity is not defined because of it, and in fact,
you will make meaning of it whether you like it
or not.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
It could be.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Bad, right, but you do have some semblance of control
over how you actually use this in your life.
Speaker 4 (24:09):
Which is also a good reminder is we don't have
to go one way. If it feels we don't have to,
then okay, well I'm going to make this now. Where
my life turns left and everything goes downhill, it doesn't
have to be that way.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
It might be difficult to turn right, but it doesn't
have to be that way.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
Yep, Okay.
Speaker 4 (24:30):
I want to talk about more going more towards the like,
the like physical uh, what my body looks like, body
image stuff. So I think most people can agree, and
if they don't agree, please email me because I would
love to hear your experience that the culturally societally, what
we are presented with is that you get pregnant, your
(24:51):
body changes, you gain a lot of weight, you have
a baby, and then you should be able to do
what you need to do in or to get back
to what you looked like before you had this baby.
Speaker 3 (25:03):
Right.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
So, I am not a doctor by any means, and
I have no idea. I've never gone through pregnancy. I
have no idea what happens when you get all of
the there. I learned something every day talking to my
friends and HAM members that are part. I'm like, what
you bought?
Speaker 1 (25:17):
You did? What this?
Speaker 3 (25:18):
What?
Speaker 1 (25:18):
Huh?
Speaker 4 (25:19):
So it is kind of a wild idea now versus
when I was younger and I didn't know as much
to think that I can have the same thing after
I go through this insane transformation trauma.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
Yes, totally, and you're not meant to you know.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I mean again, it's like, now, this isn't to say,
you know, there aren't legitimately healthy women whose bodies do
bounce back quote unquote right. So there are unicorns that exist.
I've seen some of them, but I think stereotypically, you know,
your average which mom is not a supermodel, is not
(26:03):
getting back into the same genes postpartum, at least not
within the first usually nine to twelve months. You know,
like it takes nine plus months to grow the baby,
it should definitely take that long to go back. And
there's so many factors included, one huge one being breastfeeding.
(26:24):
I'm a big believer fed is best. I do not
care if you breastfeed your baby at all. I care
that you feed the baby, you know, that's it. But
it does have an impact on your hormones, your metabolism.
It can kind of go in either direction. I've had
clients who, you know, their bodies responded by keeping weight
(26:44):
on while breastfeeding because it was like, our body is
nourishing another human. We're not letting go of any ounce
of anything, you know. I've had others that that was
the magic solution that the you know, they had a
big supply and they were able to burn more calorie
that way. And every time you nurse, your uterus contracts
and so it actually helps those muscles come back together.
(27:07):
But your how big your baby is, how strong your
core is before a giving birth to the baby, how
your muscles react to that, how it affects your lower back,
Your body and pregnancy is filled with this hormone called relaxing,
which literally relaxes the elasticity of your muscles, which is
(27:27):
why your ligaments around your sides and obliques are able.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
To expand, you know.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
And then if you you know, have a good vaginal birth,
that's going to be different than a sea section.
Speaker 3 (27:40):
You're going to recover different.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
You need to expect different things of your body of
recovering in those ways.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
So it is the wild.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
West when it comes to the spectrum of what is normal,
what's a normal birth anymore. You know, it's like a
healthy baby is the goal, right and a healthy mom
and there's a lot of ways to get there, and
so we're here to you know, support your choices in
what that looks like best for you and best for
like you in your context. And I think that's the thing,
(28:10):
is like, am I looking at Instagram and is this
a person who has her meals made for her or
access to a gym every day?
Speaker 3 (28:19):
Or is her job to look this way?
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Or you know, there's there's just so much behind the
scenes that you are probably they're not showing you. You know,
is this even photoshopped? Is this even a not real image?
You know, there's so many things, And am I comparing
myself to that in my own context as a busy
working person. You know, maybe you don't have access to
(28:43):
that organic, healthy food, maybe you don't have access to
a gym or time for it, or it's not a
priority for you. You are your own person, right and so
what you want out of that experience has to align
with your expectations for yourself.
Speaker 4 (28:58):
Afterward, the word priority felt very important in that what
you just said, because one I heard you say, the
norm is not to be fitting in the same pants
you were wearing before you got pregnant a month after
you give birth.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
That's not the norm.
Speaker 4 (29:16):
That's the exception, and it happens, and it happens sometimes
because of the things you said we have. Maybe that's
my job, and I have people cooking my meals. I
my job is to work out. Maybe I'm an athlete,
who any of that.
Speaker 3 (29:30):
Yep.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
Sometimes that's the reason, and sometimes it's just that's the
way that person's body is. And it doesn't mean that
their body is better than yours or it works better.
It just is the way it is. It's the same
reason that me and you could eat the same foods
every day and had the same workout plan and we
could look totally different. Yep. It doesn't mean that your
body's better in mine is. It's just different. It's beautiful, Yeah,
(29:53):
and can we honor that versus we can trace this
back to where originated. But we have found this one
ideal that we're all supposed to strive for. But how
does that make sense? Because we are all so different,
even in the way we conceive, even in the way
(30:14):
we give birth, even the way if we can breastfeet,
if we if we can if we want to. If
we not, we're so different, so how would we all
get that same result.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
The same way?
Speaker 4 (30:24):
And then I heard you say priority, and that is
like a siren. If it is not your priority to
be in the gym every day, if it is not
your priority to make sure every meal you eat you
cook yourself and it's with fresh food from a farmer's
if that's not your priority, that feels okay to me.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
Yeah, that's your choice, own it.
Speaker 4 (30:48):
Yeah, if it's not your priority for your body to
look And I think that we take we get some
agency taken away from.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
Us from culture, Like culture says this.
Speaker 4 (30:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (30:58):
If culture says you should look this person didn or
this person did it, or we glamorize and we give
attention to the people that do that, then it tells us, well,
that should be what I want. But we have we
sat down and asked ourselves, Wait, what do you want
the beginning stages of motherhood to look like for you?
Speaker 3 (31:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (31:18):
And it's essential because it shapes your expectations, you know,
because if you say, like, okay, well that's not a
priority for me, but my expectation is that my body
will look that way. Eh, you're set yourself up for failure,
you know. And we see that even along the way
with how sick you are in the first trimester, or
(31:39):
if you're disappointed by what gender baby you're having, or
the biggest one is the labor and delivery experience. If
that went off the rails and it ended in a
way that you did not have planned, then you failed,
right And again, so much of that is held in
expectations of course you didn't fail. And on the outside
(31:59):
we can see how kind of ridiculous that is, you know,
when we are just talking about how miraculous and amazing
your body is, you know.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
That's like are you kidding?
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Like how could you think of yourself as anything less
than super and amazing and like literally superhuman, you know.
And and yeah, and I and I say that from experience.
I have had four c sections.
Speaker 3 (32:23):
It's awesome. I feel great about it, you know.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
So it's like it's one of those things that I'm
not sitting here with a life experience where I got
my perfect water berth and everything was easy or something,
you know, And so I just want to like own that, like, no,
I can absolutely believe this and it was super hard.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
I'm curious.
Speaker 4 (32:44):
I've had a couple friends who had plans to have
the very natural I don't know if I've had a
friend have a water berth, but of very natural, no medicine,
just is what we're going to do. We have the
birthing plan that da da da da. We work on
it the whole and then it gets to delivery time
(33:04):
and it's like, sorry, if you want this baby, and
if you want to be able to hold this baby,
we have.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
To make some decisions right now.
Speaker 4 (33:12):
And in that process, you don't from I haven't gone
through it, through it, but from what I've heard, you
don't have time to process that.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
It is.
Speaker 4 (33:21):
We're doing this, let's go, and then thirty seconds then
you have a baby in your hand kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes, if need be, it can be minutes.
I mean, if it's an emergency, the average is like
eight minutes from like zero to go, and that's an emergency.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
But even if it isn't an emergency.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
If it's like this is not happening, there's kind of
some risk for infection, or the baby's the heart rate
is accelerated, or you know, there's a lot of good
reasons that it adds up to not looking like it's
gonna work out naturally. Then even then once you say okay,
it's about twenty minutes in the and then you know,
(34:01):
so it's still it's very fast, very fast.
Speaker 4 (34:04):
And there's a couple things that come up. And I'm
curious about your experience and just your experience as a
therapist as well, when you have your heart set on
something like that and you work so hard. Yeah, because
I have seen people work so hard to be able
to get to the place where they can do that
and then their body says, hey, this isn't going as planned.
(34:28):
There is another option. I can't imagine that that feels
similar to the feeling of my bodies against you, and
I can't conceive it's different.
Speaker 1 (34:37):
But that's saying like my body's letting.
Speaker 2 (34:39):
Me down, devastating. I mean, it is one of the
things we counsel quite often. You know that it's easier
if we know ahead of time and you're pregnant and
we're talking about those expectations and we can get a
little wiggle room of.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
Like just education, right because.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
One of the flaws in birth education is that we
don't even tell moms any thing about c sections, and
so it's like, oh, we don't want that to happen,
and I don't want to learn anything about it because
that's scary, right, And so a lot of birth education
isn't at all like and so I definitely I think
(35:15):
knowledge is power. I think it makes it less scary
to just even know, like, hey, if this happens, we've
we're here, we got this, this is the plan. If
the plan needs a change, we know what to do,
and it's way less scary if we know those options, right,
and then to be able to actually assign proper value
to like what is the moment you really want? You know,
(35:39):
like is it pushing the baby out? Or is it
holding the baby after? What are some of these things
that we can like actually take as empowering moments for you?
And you may not get all of them, you know,
but we can at least start with the ideal and
build some expectation options around that of how that might
(36:02):
be diverted for better or for worse.
Speaker 4 (36:05):
That's interesting that you get like nothing, because my growing
up I remember thinking and hearing if like somebody said
sea section.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
I knew one person that had one, it was like
they had to have a sea section.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
Right, oh my gosh.
Speaker 4 (36:22):
But but it was also said in the way of like,
oh god, like the very elusive and bad and when yeah,
it is a surgery, and the what is crazy to
me is that you're like fully awake during it, and
it does sound scary. At the same time, if I
were to count my close friends and family members that
(36:44):
have given birth recently, I think half or more have
had sea sections.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
Yeah, the stats are around a third at most American hospitals,
so it's still fairly high.
Speaker 3 (36:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (36:56):
Yeah, so it's not as like oh, so and so
out of season, right, you know, And I feel like
that's important. And if people had more education about what
really goes on and why somebody might choose to have
that or end up having that, I think that could
be very.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
Helpful, Yes, and incredibly empowering. And again, we're just eliminating
the fear around it, you know, and also empowering you
with the information of all the options, all the.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
Breathing, all that.
Speaker 2 (37:26):
You know, there's a million ways to give birth, so
how we get the baby out is one component of
an incredibly beautiful visceral experience that your joy in it
can't just be contingent upon one very rigid way.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
Yeah, and that's what I.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
Want to help people kind of expand it's like, yeah,
whether you carry differently and your body looks like you
didn't think it would or you don't or like whatever
the expectation is, can we get to a place of
acceptance and mean making that can actually offer you the
result of not just coming to peace with it, but
(38:06):
actually appreciating and being grateful for it.
Speaker 4 (38:09):
When in good and successful. You can apply this to
many things can look very different. It has a lot
of different faces, as a lot of different shapes, and
you get to we get to decide what that actually
is for us and going back to just like I
(38:31):
keep thinking about body image, how we view our bodies postpartum.
Also let's not ignore how we view other people's how
we view other people's bodies, because how we are looking
at other people impacts how we also view ourselves. And
so what we decide is good or right or successful
(38:52):
in other people, we are going to also it's going
to somehow come back to us and we get to
actually again going back to that agency, get to decide
what that is. I wonder when people come in to you, guys,
do you get a lot of like, I don't feel
like myself in that, like, this isn't my body.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
Yeah, especially if there is a feeding issue. So if
you are pumping exclusively, or pumping or not sleeping, you know,
and or breastfeeding directly, where literally your breasts are food
for your child. The hormones and the prolactin that helps
make the milk in your body. It suppresses a lot
(39:34):
of other things such as libido, you know, and so
you're you're not feeling up for that. You know, you're
feeling touched out because your baby is literally on you
all day. So there's just a lot of weird like
and I think again expectation like, oh, once I get
this crazy alien out of my tommy, I'll feel like
(39:55):
myself again, right, And then it's like, oh no, now
I'm tethered to this cute creature and needed in a
whole other way. And my body is recovering, you know,
And so your tommy is jiggly and your boobs are
sagging and you know, and there's blood and milk.
Speaker 3 (40:12):
Everywhere and the whole thing.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Girl, And it's one of these things that's like it's
so frank and steiny in the moment you know that
you're just sort of like caught off guard that like,
oh this is me, Like this is me and that
takes time. But it's like being compassionate with yourself and
allowing time as an element of healing to bring some
(40:37):
of that process back.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
Yeah, but that's a great answer. The reason people don't
like that answer is we don't want it to take time, right, Well,
I want you, yeah, I want to be myself. I
waited nine months to feel myself again, or I've already
been in this for this amount of time or so
and so did it in this time.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
We don't we don't want time with anything. If you think.
Speaker 4 (40:59):
One of the things I see that comes up a
lot in the population that I work with is in relationships.
Speaker 1 (41:06):
We don't want time.
Speaker 4 (41:07):
We want to give everybody our life story in and
divulge our trauma and bond with this person that I
met yesterday. Like, we don't want time to be a
part of anything. And we can see where that comes from.
Our culture is very go go go do this, do that?
Change your mind now, you want this? Now there's this
over there that you might want. Go do that now.
(41:28):
It seems like we don't have it. But that's such
an important element that one you can't do anything about it,
like it just is, it is what it is, and
so how do we how in that space?
Speaker 1 (41:41):
How do we learn how to sit? And like you
said earlier, just because.
Speaker 4 (41:45):
You aren't at that space or just because you don't
have what you want right now, it doesn't mean there's
not stuff here that is happening that is good that
you can experience. I've known notice in my life, not
within pregnancies, but when I have had my eye on something.
Let's just I do this with like if I have
a vacation coming up, I'm like, I gotta hit to
the vacation d D. And then like three months go
(42:08):
by and I'm like, what happened? Like I've been had
my eye on this one thing, and I ignored all
the other stuff that was going on. And so there's
a lot of I can't even begin to imagine how
much stuff is happening. Yes, after you give birth to
a human being and you're watching it grow so much
(42:28):
every day and there's something new every day, there's so
much there to hold on to and focus on. I
would imagine, Yeah, that is outside of getting back to
our pre baby.
Speaker 2 (42:40):
Body, yeah, and I will say, you know, a little
bit of grace that in it. You know, right after
you give birth, as you're recovering.
Speaker 3 (42:49):
Your capacity is so shot.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
I mean, like you are focused on the baby, you know,
like you're consumed with this new, beautiful creature. And so
there is some mostly for most people, you know, like
I just can't even think about that, Like I just
I literally cannot even hold a thought of judgment about
anything right now. I'm so consumed with this, and in
(43:14):
good ways and also in sleep deprivation ways, you know.
And so then it really is a little bit further out,
you know, more four or six, maybe even twelve weeks,
you know, where it's like, oh this, this little you know,
pooch in my tummy hasn't gone down yet, or oh my,
you know, I still look this way, or I thought
(43:35):
this would fit by now, or that's when you know,
you start kind of shuffling through clothes. That's where you know,
the disappointment starts to surface. Right you do give yourself.
I think most women give themselves some grace right after,
simply because they can't function otherwise. But that's when I
(43:55):
like to say, and this is the most practical advice
I can give is like, get one postpartum power outfit,
Like it does not have to be expensive. It can
come from Target, old Navy girl, I don't care. It's
like Amazon yourself something that you can have those black
leggings and that shirt and shawl or whatever that you
(44:17):
can go grab drinks with the girls that night and
try to leave your baby for a couple hours. You know,
it's like, just put on something, get some one outfit
that you're like, I kind of feel put together.
Speaker 3 (44:30):
It's not where I'm ending the destination.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
I still have a ways to go, but right now,
you know, because that's the biggest barrier in clothing for
postpartum is the in between is like well, now I've
got like some nursing tanks, or now I've got you know,
this size is too big because it's maternity, but that
size is too small because it's pre pregnancy, and you're
(44:53):
kind of in between, right and so there really needs
to be just like one good outfit that you can
be slov the rest of the day. I don't care
at all, nobody's cared, but you need to find one
thing that you can put on and feel.
Speaker 1 (45:07):
Good and you don't have to think about it when
you put it on.
Speaker 3 (45:09):
Yes, and that's you. You know that you feel like
yourself in Yeah.
Speaker 4 (45:14):
I think that's a great, great advice I tell clients,
especially going through eating disorder recovery, because your body does
all kinds of things. Is we always need to have
one or two things that I don't have to think.
I know if I put that on, I won't mess
with it, I won't pull on it. I won't be
thinking about what I look like. I will feel maybe
not myself all the time, but I will feel comfortable
(45:37):
in it.
Speaker 3 (45:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:39):
And if you're having a bad day, go put it on. Yes,
go put it on. You don't need to have this
trendy outfit. You don't need to like go out and
get the new genes every just go put that on.
Speaker 3 (45:49):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (45:50):
So I love that.
Speaker 4 (45:50):
What else would you say as we kind of wrap
this up, if you are somebody who either is struggling
with this now because they're going through through it, or
I even think about I do hear a lot in
with the clients that I work with. Fears around getting
pregnant and deciding that I'm even going to start that
(46:11):
process to try it. Are fears around well, what is
going to happen in my body? And that is a
I mean that's a whole grating process.
Speaker 3 (46:19):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (46:20):
Yeah, So what would.
Speaker 4 (46:21):
You offer, What would you encourage people that are going
through any of those stages to do, because like I
said before, I don't think many people know that there
are resources, yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (46:34):
That kind of stuff.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
Absolutely, we love it. Bring all the questions here, you know,
I mean, your history definitely matters. You know, if you've
had a history of eating disorders or body dysmorphia or
something that is you know, you know it's going to
be a trigger if your body looks different, because it
will look different. There are some normal fears and then
there are some not so normal, disordered fears that would
(47:00):
you know, usually prevent people from from getting pregnant because
the fear is too much, you know.
Speaker 3 (47:05):
So we can talk for those two.
Speaker 2 (47:07):
But yeah, I mean I think the baseline, the most
basic advice is this is no longer about you. So
we're going to just get you out of your head
about your body and really get functional and scientific and
understanding and compassionate that this is now about another human
(47:27):
that you want to bring into the world. And I
do feel like we get selfless with the focus, and
that is so much more motivating. I mean, it's like
to ask any mom, it's like, you should do this
for yourself, Okay, you should do this for your kids.
Speaker 3 (47:44):
I'm on it.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
You know, it's like absolutely. And so when we refocus
the goal to being external, you know, this is going
to be for the baby, Like we're naturally motivated than
to work harder or or do that for them, or
treat myself better, you know, and as the carrier of
(48:05):
your own child, how do you want to be treated?
Becomes a little more simplistic, right, It's like, oh, okay,
so at least we can actually leverage that during this
pregnancy season, and then along the way set up like
check in points for like how are you feeling about that,
you know, and where did that come from?
Speaker 3 (48:25):
And a lot of times there will.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
Be you know, some of those voices that surface that's
either a you know, critical mother or or social media
or an ex boyfriend or something from the past that
like was toxic and put them down. And so really
being able to kind of identify that as like not
helpful and not true and then about you and not
(48:49):
the baby, right, And so then again kind of bringing
back focus like, oh, this is actually a means to
a goal that I really want, so I can do that.
I can do this, and it becomes much more outside
of yourself, which I think is also freeing because you're like, yeah,
oh this isn't even about me.
Speaker 1 (49:09):
Oh I like that.
Speaker 4 (49:11):
So if people want to contact you, yeah, I know
you have. You said you opened up in North Carolina.
Speaker 3 (49:17):
Is that South Carolina?
Speaker 1 (49:18):
Charles South Carolina?
Speaker 4 (49:19):
Yeah, Charleston, So do you work outside of those two places?
Can you see people outside of South Carolina?
Speaker 2 (49:25):
Tennessee, So, Tennessee, Florida, we're registered for telehealth, and South Carolina.
So currently those are the three states so we can
we can offer. But then we do have some virtual
support groups. There's a New Moms group and there's a
Lost group. Those are virtual and they can join from anywhere.
And then we have some online courses that are on
(49:46):
readinest Online dot com. And again we are always adding
to that library. So we encourage y' all to find
us at Readiness Counseling dot com, find us on Instagram,
reach out with your questions. If we can't help you,
we I have to connect you to someone in your
area who can and to be able to just support you.
And if you're a mental health provider or a birth worker,
(50:08):
we're here to consult on that as well, because I
think you know our specialty is unique and we're here
to fill those gaps. So we love linking arms and
making sure everyone gets the resources they need.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
Yeah, okay, well, thank you. I will put for everybody listening.
Speaker 4 (50:21):
I'm going to put any link that you may need
connected to what Emily just said in the show notes,
so you can easily find that stuff.
Speaker 1 (50:29):
And even if you don't need it now, save it.
Speaker 4 (50:31):
Save it because you don't know when you may need
something like this and you want to be able to
remember where you heard that thing.
Speaker 1 (50:38):
So Emily, thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (50:40):
This was so nice to be able to talk about
this in a different context and helpful not only to
me as a professional to be able to help people better,
but to be able to talk to my friends better
or even think about my future.
Speaker 1 (50:54):
It's been great, So thank.
Speaker 3 (50:55):
You, awesome, thank you.
Speaker 4 (51:01):
Bo
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