November 22, 2023 • 19 mins
Couch Talks is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where Kat answers questions that listeners send to kathryn@youneedtherapypodcast.com. This week however, instead of answering a question, Kat offers 5 important reminders to consider before walking into your family Thanksgiving Dinner.
- You do not need to starve yourself in order to earn a Thanksgiving meal.
- Just because someone says something it doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
- If your stomach looks like you ate after you ate- it’s because you ate.
- If you get overwhelmed you can ask for what you need.
- Your Mother in laws comments about food/ bodies/ exercise etc are about her not you.
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Have a question, concern, guest idea, something else? Reach Kat at: Kathryn@youneedtherapypodcast.com
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Produced by: @HoustonTilley
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You
Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. I am the host,
and today you are listening to couch Talks, which is
the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I
Kat answer questions that you, guys the listeners, send to
me and you can send those to Katherine at you
(00:30):
Need Therapy podcast dot com. And just know that anytime
I read your questions, or answer questions, or do anything
with the emails that you send, they are always anonymous,
so I won't ever read your name or say where
you're from. So you can really send something in and
feel safe doing so unless you put some personal information
in there that just gives you away. I can't help that,
(00:52):
but you can't, so be careful with what you actually
send to me. Even though on these episodes I answer
your questions, I still like to say up top that
this podcast does not serve as a replacement or a
substitute for any actual mental health services. However, we always
hope that it can help in some way, somehow, at
some point in your life. Now that I got through
(01:14):
saying all that, I now I'm going to tell you
we're not going to answer a question that a listener
sends in today or read an email because it is
a special special episode. So it's a special episode of
the Bonus Episode. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that can be
a very fun, exciting holiday, and it can also be
a day that brings a lot of grief, fear, feelings
(01:36):
that are uncomfortable and you know, depending on your family,
a lot of drama and chaos. So I thought today
I would just share five things that I would want
you guys to remember on Thanksgiving. And I also want
to stay up top that I know this holiday can
be really hard for a lot of people because there's
some loneliness or some grief about who is now here
(02:00):
or who has not been here for a while that
you wish was there. Maybe some feelings about your relationship
status are coming up. And that is this double edged
sword with the holidays in general, is there are a
time that we really really bolster family and we promote
family time, and that is such a special time. And
all these movies are about these relationships and this coziness,
(02:24):
these all this stuff comes that is very much centered
around family and relationships, and that is what the holidays
are supposed to be about. And Unfortunately, that's not what
the holidays are for a lot of people, and the
holidays might bring more of an awareness of the lack
of a relationship or the lack of the family that
you wish you had, or family members that have passed
(02:46):
and you just miss. So before I even get into
these five reminders, going a little bit off the grid
of what I plan to say is I just want
to offer some attention to those who just don't have
a good time around this time of year, and that
this time of year can be really hard and difficult
and triggering for those reasons. And I want to encourage
(03:07):
you that the holidays get to look however you need
them to look. So if you need a year of just,
you know, sitting in your feelings and sadness and maybe
just maybe even feeling sorry for yourself, sometimes there is
a point in time where that's necessary. Now we can't
stay there, but it can be necessary for certain periods
and of our lives or certain moments. But I also
(03:28):
want to encourage those who don't have the family system
or the relationship that they long for that gets brought
up and triggered in this time of year to create
something that is meaningful for you. So maybe you don't
have the traditional thing that we see in the Hallmark movies,
But what do you have and can you actually capitalize
and gravitate towards that. So maybe this isn't the norm
(03:51):
what Thanksgiving or any of the holidays around the season
look like in magazines or in books. But you get
to create something that still can be good. And just
because you don't have one thing, it doesn't mean that
you get nothing. So really allow yourself when it feels appropriate,
to look at what is in front of you, as
well as grieving what is not. Now that I'm done rambling,
(04:16):
let's get into these five things that I would just
like to remind you guys. And we're going to start
with one of the most important things, and that is
you do not need to starve yourself in order to
earn a Thanksgiving meal. This is so important and I
just would like to preach from whatever mountaintop or rooftop
(04:40):
or earbud that I'm in, you do not need to
save up calories to eat food on Thanksgiving. You don't
need to create like a bank or just a big
bundle of unused calories so you can finally use them.
On this meal. Your body needs and wants nourishment on
Thanksgiving just like the other day, and it needs it
(05:02):
to function and for it to your body, it being
your body, for it to function at its best, it's
our job to feed it. We have to feed ourselves
for our bodies to function well. So us saving up
calories is also saving up what our body runs off of.
And that's just not very kind to be withholding something
(05:23):
from something that needs it to survive. And so really
look at what you're doing as kind actions and behaviors
and respectful actions and behaviors towards your body. When we
starve ourselves for a meal, we also end up a
lot of times either binging or overeating because we are
(05:44):
training ourselves not to listen to our hunger cues. And
then this food that we've been like saving up for
becomes this magical thing, and we really want, especially in
recovery from disorder eating and eating disorders, we want to
take the magical feeling away from food. So food just
gets to be food and we can enjoy it when
(06:04):
we want to enjoy it. We can eat it when
we need to eat it, and we can say, oh,
I'm good when we're good. But when we refuse to
let ourselves engage in normal actions like eating normal meals,
food does become magical. And then that food you're saving
up for becomes extra magical. And so we get this
idea that we can't get enough and we have to
(06:24):
keep going, or we feel really weird about eating it
because we've had to do so much to deserve it.
It's like, oh, but that means it is bad, so
should I be eating it? So all of us to say,
I know this is a much more delicate and in
depth topic than I'm making it right here, but I
(06:46):
just want people to know and to remind themselves that
you get to eat three meals like any other day
on Thanksgiving. You don't have to save up, you don't
have to do an extra workout. You get to just
be yourself and show up and enjoy the food that
you enjoy and allow yourself to feel fulfilled by the food.
(07:06):
The community, the cooking, the baking, all of that. It's
about having an experience with the people that you're with,
whether that's through food, through making the food, any of that.
So it's okay to eat the same amount of food
up until your Thanksgiving meal that you normally would eat,
especially if you are on the road to recovery, that's
(07:27):
really important because saving up for Thanksgiving meal can be
sliding back into some of those restrictive behaviors that can
feel very addicting, which is also a PSA. If you
don't struggle with this, know that you have no idea
if the people around you do. Kind of getting ahead myself,
but if you find yourself making comments about how you
ate too much, you shouldn't eat this, or you had
(07:50):
to do an extra workout, or you've saved up all
day so you can enjoy yourself. If you don't struggle
with an actual eating disort, or you don't I mean
that would be disordered eating. But if that's not like
a real present thing that you're aware of in your life,
just recognize that you are not able to see that
(08:10):
in somebody else. Sometimes you can kind of tell, but
a lot of times you have no idea, and those
comments can be really difficult for somebody who is actively
trying to recover from anything disorder to hear, because these
days can be very just hard and scary, and so
if it's not for you, just be mindful of the
(08:30):
people that might be around you. Okay, now number two,
just because someone says something to you, it doesn't mean
you have to accept it. And this is less about
food and more about just comments. You know, families have
(08:53):
a lot of different dynamics in them, and maybe you
have a couple families at your Thanksgiving meal and they
can have different opinions, thought processes, politics, all the things,
all of the you know, the normal things that get
brought up at the dinner table when you like really
don't want them to get brought of. I just want
you to know that just because somebody says somebody, it
doesn't mean that you have to accept. That doesn't mean
(09:14):
you have to take it on. It doesn't mean it
has to be true. And this is one of my
favorite reminders. And there was this one time, this has
nothing to do with the holidays, but there was this
one time that a person that I used to work
with at like a secondary job, not in my therapy
space spaces, sent me these text messages and they were
very snarky, very like kind of heated text messages that
(09:36):
actually had nothing to do with me, but were being
put towards me. And I could have argued with her,
I could have snapped back at her. I could have
said a lot of things. She had been pretty rude,
and I just had this clarity moment of this is
not mine. This energy is not my energy, and I
don't have to do anything with this energy. And so
(09:57):
I just texted her back and said, I'm sensing you're
really angry right now, and I'm actually gonna let you
keep that anger because this has nothing to do with me.
And you get to do that too at your family functions.
Someone's bad attitude or behavior does not have to roll
into you and onto you and seep into your soul.
(10:18):
Who do you want to show up as at these events,
in these places, at these dinners, be that person. We
have the ability to function independently outside of other people's emotions.
We don't have to take those on or take them
from them. Somebody can't force us to feel something or
force us to believe something. And if someone makes a
(10:38):
comment that doesn't sit well with you, you don't have
to take it on as truth. That doesn't have to
be true for you. You can kindly say I don't really
agree with what you just said, or you know, that's
not something that I'm wanting to discuss right now. I'm
gonna got a glass of water. Do you want one?
Or you know I can tell we are not seeing
(10:59):
eye to eye on this issue. I'm okay with us,
not a grain, But you appear to be a little heated.
So would you like to take a second and let
this kind of cool down and we can change the subject.
Or do you want to play a game or do
something that's a little bit more fun. You get to
move away from those things. You don't have to walk
into the dark cave of conflict, dysfunctional conflict, because you know,
(11:25):
I do like some healthy conflict. Okay. Number three another
body image minded one. If your stomach looks like you
ate after you ate, it's probably because you ate, not
because you ate too much, not because you ate the
wrong thing, not because you did something bad, not because
there's something wrong with your body, not because your body
(11:46):
has magically transformed in the last thirty minutes. It's going
to stay that way permanently because you ate food. Be
kind to your body on these days. This is especially
especially important. Your stomach not supposed to look and feel
empty when you nourish your body. It's okay to feel full.
That is a sensation that allows us to say, Okay,
(12:10):
I did a good job. I fed myself. It is
not a experience that or a sensation that shows up
for you to then get mad at yourself or punish yourself.
That is a response that we luckily get to feel,
so we know when our body is satisfied and that's
not a bad thing. And the other thing is food
(12:31):
is also allowed to be enjoyed for the sake of enjoyment.
And if you're struggling with body image, I don't want you, guys,
to force yourself to make this day harder than it
already has to be. Where's something you feel good in
and won't be tempted to body check all day. Where's
something that you can feel relaxed and your family and
(12:52):
friends want to be with you, not your ideal body.
So what do you need in order to show up
with your whole self and not a distracted version of
that that's going to be wondering what your stomach looks
like after any bit of food goes into your body,
because if your body changes the way it looks after
you eat one I just want to remind everybody, most
(13:16):
of the time, we are the ones or the only
ones really noticing what our bodies look like after we eat.
Nobody else is over there, just like watching to see
if something happens. That's usually not the case. We become
very hyperfixated ourselves. We're very ecocentric people humans are. We
are more concerned with ourselves and how we look than
(13:37):
other people. And so just know that if it feels
like everybody's staring at you, and granted, I know sometimes
people do make comments, and I do know that's those
family members and there's those people that do actually stare
at you, But if it feels that way, you get
to take a break, which we'll get to. And also
if it feels that way and that's really not true,
we get to remind ourselves I'm having this experience, not
(13:59):
everybody in the room is not inside my body having
this experience, and so maybe I need to take a break,
kind of settle down so I can go back in
to the room and enjoy myself and be present versus
distracted about what my body is doing and how it's
morphing into something that it's probably not morphing into right now,
which leads me to number four. If you get overwhelmed,
(14:22):
you can ask for what you need. This is a
huge one but also very very simple, because what you
may need might be something from yourself. It might be
a break, some fresh air, some cold water. It's okay
to get up and excuse yourself when you feel overwhelmed,
or when you feel that overwhelm is coming. I have
a feeling most of you out there wouldn't hold it
(14:43):
in for hours if you had to pee, right, So
if your mind or your nervous system needs a little pitstop,
it's okay to give yourself that also. And I feel
right here is where I want to offer permission and
to not go somewhere that you don't feel safe and
(15:04):
that does not offer you the ability to give yourself
a break. If that's not an option, that means the
space you're in might be not a great space for you,
or maybe challenge that is it that you think you
can't take a break and you think you can't get up,
or you think you can't go get fresh air, or
you really can't. There can be a difference in those
(15:24):
two things. So as adults, we get to make decisions
that are right for us. We get to be the
ones in charge now. So if that means I'm not
going to this person's house or that person's house. I
get to make that decision to take care of myself well,
because maybe I didn't get to do that when I
was younger. I just had to go places and they
weren't safe. And I don't want to reinforce that same
(15:48):
feeling that didn't feel very good as a kid. I
want to give myself permission to actually take care of
my needs. So even if somebody does not like your
decision to not go somewhere, you get to make that
decision for you and it gets to be a good thing.
And then the last thing I would like to remind
all of us, which I touched on a little bit
(16:09):
in the beginning, is that your mother in law, your sister,
your cousin, your uncle, your grandpa, your grandma, your neighbor,
your best friend from third grade who makes the comments
about food, body, exercise, etc. All of those things. Those
comments they make are most likely not about you. They're
(16:33):
probably about themselves. The oh, are you gonna eat all
of that? Or maybe you should wait till dinner after
we eat before you snack on that. You're gonna spoil
your dinner. You're gonna spoil your meal, or oh, I
just don't understand how you just eat all that drunk,
Or oh I could not have another bite? No I can't.
(16:54):
Oh no, I can't even imagine having dessert. No, no, no,
I don't see how anybody can eat anything after we
had that big meal. All of those comments, and I
could go on forever, and I'm sure I've made a
comment like that before in my past. I know that
I've heard a lot of them, and they have really
impacted the ability that I gave myself to enjoy the
(17:15):
food and the space I was in. But what I've
learned is those comments come from somebody's belief system about themselves,
and they might feel very targeted. They might, and they
might actually be directed at you. However, when it really
comes down to it, those comments are about how they
(17:35):
feel about their body, how they feel about they can
enjoy food, how they It's a belief system in their
brain that really has little to do with if what
you're doing is right, wrong, okay, good or bad. So
if you don't adhere to those beliefs or opinions, you
don't have to take them on. Just like I said earlier,
you don't have to accept something just because somebody said it,
(17:58):
because maybe you are feeling a little fool, but you
do want some dessert because your grandma made your favorite
whatever kind of pie, chest pie, pumpkin pie, Both of
those pies I do not like. I don't know why
those are the ones that came to mind. Maybe your
grandma made you your favorite apple pie, and there's some
ice cream and that's one of your favorite desserts. And yeah,
(18:19):
you're a little fool. You've eaten a little bit more
than you usually would on an average day. But that's
okay because I want to enjoy this food that my
grandmother made. That's a memory, that's an experience, that's something
that we get to allow ourselves to do. We get
to look back and say, I'm so grateful I got
to eat grandma's apple pie. That might have been the
last time that she ever made that, you know, something
(18:40):
like that, So remind yourself. Those comments usually could come
up when somebody's trying to regulate themselves, not regulate you,
even if it doesn't feel like that in the moment.
All right, So that is going to do it for today.
I hope you guys have the thanksgiving you need to
have I know. Oh, these holidays, like I said in
(19:01):
the beginning, can be bursting with so much fun and
joy and excitement. They also can be very lonely and
can contain a lot of grief. They also can have
both at the same time. And so take what you need,
leave what you don't have the Thanksgiving you need to have.
If you need to contact me with any questions, feedback,
any of the things, you can email me Catherine at
(19:22):
You Need Therapy Podcast. You can follow me at Kat
dot Defada on Instagram and at you Need Therapy Podcast
on Instagram. And I will be back with you guys
on Monday
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You
Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. I am the host,
and today you are listening to couch Talks, which is
the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I
Kat answer questions that you, guys the listeners, send to
me and you can send those to Katherine at you
(00:30):
Need Therapy podcast dot com. And just know that anytime
I read your questions, or answer questions, or do anything
with the emails that you send, they are always anonymous,
so I won't ever read your name or say where
you're from. So you can really send something in and
feel safe doing so unless you put some personal information
in there that just gives you away. I can't help that,
(00:52):
but you can't, so be careful with what you actually
send to me. Even though on these episodes I answer
your questions, I still like to say up top that
this podcast does not serve as a replacement or a
substitute for any actual mental health services. However, we always
hope that it can help in some way, somehow, at
some point in your life. Now that I got through
(01:14):
saying all that, I now I'm going to tell you
we're not going to answer a question that a listener
sends in today or read an email because it is
a special special episode. So it's a special episode of
the Bonus Episode. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that can be
a very fun, exciting holiday, and it can also be
a day that brings a lot of grief, fear, feelings
(01:36):
that are uncomfortable and you know, depending on your family,
a lot of drama and chaos. So I thought today
I would just share five things that I would want
you guys to remember on Thanksgiving. And I also want
to stay up top that I know this holiday can
be really hard for a lot of people because there's
some loneliness or some grief about who is now here
(02:00):
or who has not been here for a while that
you wish was there. Maybe some feelings about your relationship
status are coming up. And that is this double edged
sword with the holidays in general, is there are a
time that we really really bolster family and we promote
family time, and that is such a special time. And
all these movies are about these relationships and this coziness,
(02:24):
these all this stuff comes that is very much centered
around family and relationships, and that is what the holidays
are supposed to be about. And Unfortunately, that's not what
the holidays are for a lot of people, and the
holidays might bring more of an awareness of the lack
of a relationship or the lack of the family that
you wish you had, or family members that have passed
(02:46):
and you just miss. So before I even get into
these five reminders, going a little bit off the grid
of what I plan to say is I just want
to offer some attention to those who just don't have
a good time around this time of year, and that
this time of year can be really hard and difficult
and triggering for those reasons. And I want to encourage
(03:07):
you that the holidays get to look however you need
them to look. So if you need a year of just,
you know, sitting in your feelings and sadness and maybe
just maybe even feeling sorry for yourself, sometimes there is
a point in time where that's necessary. Now we can't
stay there, but it can be necessary for certain periods
and of our lives or certain moments. But I also
(03:28):
want to encourage those who don't have the family system
or the relationship that they long for that gets brought
up and triggered in this time of year to create
something that is meaningful for you. So maybe you don't
have the traditional thing that we see in the Hallmark movies,
But what do you have and can you actually capitalize
and gravitate towards that. So maybe this isn't the norm
(03:51):
what Thanksgiving or any of the holidays around the season
look like in magazines or in books. But you get
to create something that still can be good. And just
because you don't have one thing, it doesn't mean that
you get nothing. So really allow yourself when it feels appropriate,
to look at what is in front of you, as
well as grieving what is not. Now that I'm done rambling,
(04:16):
let's get into these five things that I would just
like to remind you guys. And we're going to start
with one of the most important things, and that is
you do not need to starve yourself in order to
earn a Thanksgiving meal. This is so important and I
just would like to preach from whatever mountaintop or rooftop
(04:40):
or earbud that I'm in, you do not need to
save up calories to eat food on Thanksgiving. You don't
need to create like a bank or just a big
bundle of unused calories so you can finally use them.
On this meal. Your body needs and wants nourishment on
Thanksgiving just like the other day, and it needs it
(05:02):
to function and for it to your body, it being
your body, for it to function at its best, it's
our job to feed it. We have to feed ourselves
for our bodies to function well. So us saving up
calories is also saving up what our body runs off of.
And that's just not very kind to be withholding something
(05:23):
from something that needs it to survive. And so really
look at what you're doing as kind actions and behaviors
and respectful actions and behaviors towards your body. When we
starve ourselves for a meal, we also end up a
lot of times either binging or overeating because we are
(05:44):
training ourselves not to listen to our hunger cues. And
then this food that we've been like saving up for
becomes this magical thing, and we really want, especially in
recovery from disorder eating and eating disorders, we want to
take the magical feeling away from food. So food just
gets to be food and we can enjoy it when
(06:04):
we want to enjoy it. We can eat it when
we need to eat it, and we can say, oh,
I'm good when we're good. But when we refuse to
let ourselves engage in normal actions like eating normal meals,
food does become magical. And then that food you're saving
up for becomes extra magical. And so we get this
idea that we can't get enough and we have to
(06:24):
keep going, or we feel really weird about eating it
because we've had to do so much to deserve it.
It's like, oh, but that means it is bad, so
should I be eating it? So all of us to say,
I know this is a much more delicate and in
depth topic than I'm making it right here, but I
(06:46):
just want people to know and to remind themselves that
you get to eat three meals like any other day
on Thanksgiving. You don't have to save up, you don't
have to do an extra workout. You get to just
be yourself and show up and enjoy the food that
you enjoy and allow yourself to feel fulfilled by the food.
(07:06):
The community, the cooking, the baking, all of that. It's
about having an experience with the people that you're with,
whether that's through food, through making the food, any of that.
So it's okay to eat the same amount of food
up until your Thanksgiving meal that you normally would eat,
especially if you are on the road to recovery, that's
(07:27):
really important because saving up for Thanksgiving meal can be
sliding back into some of those restrictive behaviors that can
feel very addicting, which is also a PSA. If you
don't struggle with this, know that you have no idea
if the people around you do. Kind of getting ahead myself,
but if you find yourself making comments about how you
ate too much, you shouldn't eat this, or you had
(07:50):
to do an extra workout, or you've saved up all
day so you can enjoy yourself. If you don't struggle
with an actual eating disort, or you don't I mean
that would be disordered eating. But if that's not like
a real present thing that you're aware of in your life,
just recognize that you are not able to see that
(08:10):
in somebody else. Sometimes you can kind of tell, but
a lot of times you have no idea, and those
comments can be really difficult for somebody who is actively
trying to recover from anything disorder to hear, because these
days can be very just hard and scary, and so
if it's not for you, just be mindful of the
(08:30):
people that might be around you. Okay, now number two,
just because someone says something to you, it doesn't mean
you have to accept it. And this is less about
food and more about just comments. You know, families have
(08:53):
a lot of different dynamics in them, and maybe you
have a couple families at your Thanksgiving meal and they
can have different opinions, thought processes, politics, all the things,
all of the you know, the normal things that get
brought up at the dinner table when you like really
don't want them to get brought of. I just want
you to know that just because somebody says somebody, it
doesn't mean that you have to accept. That doesn't mean
(09:14):
you have to take it on. It doesn't mean it
has to be true. And this is one of my
favorite reminders. And there was this one time, this has
nothing to do with the holidays, but there was this
one time that a person that I used to work
with at like a secondary job, not in my therapy
space spaces, sent me these text messages and they were
very snarky, very like kind of heated text messages that
(09:36):
actually had nothing to do with me, but were being
put towards me. And I could have argued with her,
I could have snapped back at her. I could have
said a lot of things. She had been pretty rude,
and I just had this clarity moment of this is
not mine. This energy is not my energy, and I
don't have to do anything with this energy. And so
(09:57):
I just texted her back and said, I'm sensing you're
really angry right now, and I'm actually gonna let you
keep that anger because this has nothing to do with me.
And you get to do that too at your family functions.
Someone's bad attitude or behavior does not have to roll
into you and onto you and seep into your soul.
(10:18):
Who do you want to show up as at these events,
in these places, at these dinners, be that person. We
have the ability to function independently outside of other people's emotions.
We don't have to take those on or take them
from them. Somebody can't force us to feel something or
force us to believe something. And if someone makes a
(10:38):
comment that doesn't sit well with you, you don't have
to take it on as truth. That doesn't have to
be true for you. You can kindly say I don't really
agree with what you just said, or you know, that's
not something that I'm wanting to discuss right now. I'm
gonna got a glass of water. Do you want one?
Or you know I can tell we are not seeing
(10:59):
eye to eye on this issue. I'm okay with us,
not a grain, But you appear to be a little heated.
So would you like to take a second and let
this kind of cool down and we can change the subject.
Or do you want to play a game or do
something that's a little bit more fun. You get to
move away from those things. You don't have to walk
into the dark cave of conflict, dysfunctional conflict, because you know,
(11:25):
I do like some healthy conflict. Okay. Number three another
body image minded one. If your stomach looks like you
ate after you ate, it's probably because you ate, not
because you ate too much, not because you ate the
wrong thing, not because you did something bad, not because
there's something wrong with your body, not because your body
(11:46):
has magically transformed in the last thirty minutes. It's going
to stay that way permanently because you ate food. Be
kind to your body on these days. This is especially
especially important. Your stomach not supposed to look and feel
empty when you nourish your body. It's okay to feel full.
That is a sensation that allows us to say, Okay,
(12:10):
I did a good job. I fed myself. It is
not a experience that or a sensation that shows up
for you to then get mad at yourself or punish yourself.
That is a response that we luckily get to feel,
so we know when our body is satisfied and that's
not a bad thing. And the other thing is food
(12:31):
is also allowed to be enjoyed for the sake of enjoyment.
And if you're struggling with body image, I don't want you, guys,
to force yourself to make this day harder than it
already has to be. Where's something you feel good in
and won't be tempted to body check all day. Where's
something that you can feel relaxed and your family and
(12:52):
friends want to be with you, not your ideal body.
So what do you need in order to show up
with your whole self and not a distracted version of
that that's going to be wondering what your stomach looks
like after any bit of food goes into your body,
because if your body changes the way it looks after
you eat one I just want to remind everybody, most
(13:16):
of the time, we are the ones or the only
ones really noticing what our bodies look like after we eat.
Nobody else is over there, just like watching to see
if something happens. That's usually not the case. We become
very hyperfixated ourselves. We're very ecocentric people humans are. We
are more concerned with ourselves and how we look than
(13:37):
other people. And so just know that if it feels
like everybody's staring at you, and granted, I know sometimes
people do make comments, and I do know that's those
family members and there's those people that do actually stare
at you, But if it feels that way, you get
to take a break, which we'll get to. And also
if it feels that way and that's really not true,
we get to remind ourselves I'm having this experience, not
(13:59):
everybody in the room is not inside my body having
this experience, and so maybe I need to take a break,
kind of settle down so I can go back in
to the room and enjoy myself and be present versus
distracted about what my body is doing and how it's
morphing into something that it's probably not morphing into right now,
which leads me to number four. If you get overwhelmed,
(14:22):
you can ask for what you need. This is a
huge one but also very very simple, because what you
may need might be something from yourself. It might be
a break, some fresh air, some cold water. It's okay
to get up and excuse yourself when you feel overwhelmed,
or when you feel that overwhelm is coming. I have
a feeling most of you out there wouldn't hold it
(14:43):
in for hours if you had to pee, right, So
if your mind or your nervous system needs a little pitstop,
it's okay to give yourself that also. And I feel
right here is where I want to offer permission and
to not go somewhere that you don't feel safe and
(15:04):
that does not offer you the ability to give yourself
a break. If that's not an option, that means the
space you're in might be not a great space for you,
or maybe challenge that is it that you think you
can't take a break and you think you can't get up,
or you think you can't go get fresh air, or
you really can't. There can be a difference in those
(15:24):
two things. So as adults, we get to make decisions
that are right for us. We get to be the
ones in charge now. So if that means I'm not
going to this person's house or that person's house. I
get to make that decision to take care of myself well,
because maybe I didn't get to do that when I
was younger. I just had to go places and they
weren't safe. And I don't want to reinforce that same
(15:48):
feeling that didn't feel very good as a kid. I
want to give myself permission to actually take care of
my needs. So even if somebody does not like your
decision to not go somewhere, you get to make that
decision for you and it gets to be a good thing.
And then the last thing I would like to remind
all of us, which I touched on a little bit
(16:09):
in the beginning, is that your mother in law, your sister,
your cousin, your uncle, your grandpa, your grandma, your neighbor,
your best friend from third grade who makes the comments
about food, body, exercise, etc. All of those things. Those
comments they make are most likely not about you. They're
(16:33):
probably about themselves. The oh, are you gonna eat all
of that? Or maybe you should wait till dinner after
we eat before you snack on that. You're gonna spoil
your dinner. You're gonna spoil your meal, or oh, I
just don't understand how you just eat all that drunk,
Or oh I could not have another bite? No I can't.
(16:54):
Oh no, I can't even imagine having dessert. No, no, no,
I don't see how anybody can eat anything after we
had that big meal. All of those comments, and I
could go on forever, and I'm sure I've made a
comment like that before in my past. I know that
I've heard a lot of them, and they have really
impacted the ability that I gave myself to enjoy the
(17:15):
food and the space I was in. But what I've
learned is those comments come from somebody's belief system about themselves,
and they might feel very targeted. They might, and they
might actually be directed at you. However, when it really
comes down to it, those comments are about how they
(17:35):
feel about their body, how they feel about they can
enjoy food, how they It's a belief system in their
brain that really has little to do with if what
you're doing is right, wrong, okay, good or bad. So
if you don't adhere to those beliefs or opinions, you
don't have to take them on. Just like I said earlier,
you don't have to accept something just because somebody said it,
(17:58):
because maybe you are feeling a little fool, but you
do want some dessert because your grandma made your favorite
whatever kind of pie, chest pie, pumpkin pie, Both of
those pies I do not like. I don't know why
those are the ones that came to mind. Maybe your
grandma made you your favorite apple pie, and there's some
ice cream and that's one of your favorite desserts. And yeah,
(18:19):
you're a little fool. You've eaten a little bit more
than you usually would on an average day. But that's
okay because I want to enjoy this food that my
grandmother made. That's a memory, that's an experience, that's something
that we get to allow ourselves to do. We get
to look back and say, I'm so grateful I got
to eat grandma's apple pie. That might have been the
last time that she ever made that, you know, something
(18:40):
like that, So remind yourself. Those comments usually could come
up when somebody's trying to regulate themselves, not regulate you,
even if it doesn't feel like that in the moment.
All right, So that is going to do it for today.
I hope you guys have the thanksgiving you need to
have I know. Oh, these holidays, like I said in
(19:01):
the beginning, can be bursting with so much fun and
joy and excitement. They also can be very lonely and
can contain a lot of grief. They also can have
both at the same time. And so take what you need,
leave what you don't have the Thanksgiving you need to have.
If you need to contact me with any questions, feedback,
any of the things, you can email me Catherine at
(19:22):
You Need Therapy Podcast. You can follow me at Kat
dot Defada on Instagram and at you Need Therapy Podcast
on Instagram. And I will be back with you guys
on Monday
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