September 22, 2021 • 17 mins
Couch Talks is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where Kat (@kat.defatta) answers questions you send to kathryn@youneedtherapy.com. This week Kat talks about what to look for and think about when your parent/family member does not like your significant other/partner.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of
Couch Talks. I'm Kat and I'm the host here. If
you're new and you're like, what is couch Talks, this
is You Need Therapy. Couch Talks is the bonus episode
of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you
guys send in to me. And if you have a
question that you want to send in to me, you
(00:31):
can send it to Catherine k A t h R
y n at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. And
also reminder to all of you that even though I
am a therapist, this is not therapy and I'm not
your therapist. Actually I might be depending on who's listening
to this right now, um, but I'm most likely not
(00:51):
your therapist. So I just want to remind everybody that
before we get into the questions. Now, for the emails,
we're just going to do one today and it's a
good one. I'm super excited about answering this and talking
about it. I kind of wish I had somebody to
talk about this with, but it's just gonna be me.
So here is the question we have. Hi, Cat, So
I have a pretty personal question and it kind of
(01:14):
has to do with boundaries. I think I have been
dating my boyfriend for about six months now, and I
run into a problem. I waited about three months to
introduce him to my family, which I thought was appropriate
because our relationship was new and I wanted and still
want to take things slow. Well, it turns out my
mom hates him. Well maybe hate is a strong word,
(01:35):
but she doesn't think he's right for me. I don't
know what to do. I am closed with my family
and what my partner to get along with my family
and fit in with my family. But also I really
like this guy. So should I wait it out? Do
I tell my boyfriend that she doesn't like him. I
really don't know what to do. Help. Okay, so as
(01:56):
if dating was not enough, then we are adding in
family dynamics and then boom, it's harder. So I empathize
with you. This sounds like a hard situation to be in.
I really really like this guy. Things seem to be
going well, and then all of a sudden, my mom
(02:16):
doesn't like him, and that throws a curveball. Because i've
i'm assume always have wanted my mom and imagine my
mom to love the person that I want to spend
the majority of my life with if that's what your
intentions are with dating. So obviously I have so many
questions that I wish I could ask you, and obviously
as well, I can't and won't tell you what to do,
(02:37):
but I would like to encourage you to first and foremost,
not catastrophize this situation just yet. I don't know the details,
like I said, so there's probably more to this that
would help me understand and and make it educated encouragement
to you. But the first thing I would definitely say is,
let's not catastrophize just yet, because is just because she
(03:01):
doesn't like him now, where things seem weird now doesn't
mean they're always going to be that way. And just
because she doesn't like him or didn't enjoy meeting him
for some reason, doesn't mean that can't shift as you
guys continue to date, and you know, the world moves.
So let's not go to worst case scenario like if
I marry this guy, my family will fall apart. We
(03:21):
don't know that would happen, So let's talk about mom.
So Mom doesn't like him, does she hate his personality
or he isn't what she imagined for you, what is
it that she does not like about him? And is
that something that you also don't like? And is that
a deal breaker? So most of our parents most want
the best for us, right, So the issue with that
(03:43):
is because that's a good thing. But the issue with
that is that they are seeing the world through their lens,
so they imagine what is best for you through how
they have experienced the world and relationships. You have the
right to disagree because you've experienced the world through your lens.
Then there's this part, and I want you to take
this and gently. I wonder if there's any validity to
(04:03):
what your mom may be seeing that she doesn't like
in him. I wonder because this relationship is still new,
which means you might possibly still be in this deep
infatuated stage or um, you know, this lustful, excited, blissful.
You know, if we all use the term honeymoon phase
of your relationship, and when we're in that stage, sometimes
(04:27):
we don't see things as clearly as other people see them.
And sometimes we just don't see things as clearly as
other people see them when we're in them because we
have a different vantage point. So maybe, and this is
this is maybe because I don't know, but do your
your parents might have or your mom might have a
legitimate concern, Like she might be seeing something that you
(04:47):
are not able to see right now, and I think
that is something worth paying attention to. Now you have
the ability to disagree, like I said, with what she's seen,
but I think there's something to be said about that.
And I know for my friends, let's say my friends,
this happens probably to everybody. So you don't have kids
(05:08):
or something like that, so you can use your friends
as examples or comparison. So have you ever had a
friend who's dated somebody and you're like, I do not
like this person for them, And it's because you're seeing
a pattern of behavior or just something in them that
really throws you for a loop that they look past
or ignore, or just literally can't see. They're blinded by
(05:29):
because they are in this relationship and they're seeing all
these other things or wanting to see these other things.
Now with that that person dating, that person can still
choose to date them, whether or not we share that
information with them or not. That's their right as well.
Like I'm saying, your mom might have these concerns. They
might be legitimate or illegitimate, But if they are legitimate,
you still have the choice to date him anyway and
(05:51):
disagree with her. But I would if you have a
good relationship with your mom, like it sounds like you do,
I would really, you know, take into consideration it is
that she doesn't like about him, if it is something
worth looking at, like, I would be very curious of that. Now,
if it's his personality she hates, well, she's not dating him.
So do you like his personality? And I would assume
(06:13):
that you do. But I'm also not sure that details
of the relationship, and that's where like, yeah, your mom
wouldn't dat him, but you might and that's okay. Or
maybe this guy did some things that you know, rubbed
her the wrong way. So I know, for me, I
grew up in the South, and there is a certain
culture that goes along with the expectations of how men
(06:37):
should act in relationships and really in general. So to
give you some context, I remember I was dating this
guy a couple of years ago, and the first night
that one of my friends met him, she said, yeah,
I knew he was from Mississippi because he took your
trash out without asking. I was like, what, and that's
just an example of like, that's an expectation that like
(06:59):
men and Mrs Sippy or like men in the South,
they're supposed to take the trash out, and they're supposed
to open the door, and they're supposed to say yes ma'am, no, ma'am,
and um. They're spposed to do all these things, and
they're supposed to be the breadwinners or they're supposed to
have these types of jobs. And so maybe there are
some things that this person did or didn't do that
maybe just like rubbed your mom the wrong way, and
(07:20):
that has to do with more of like her culture
and expectations and maybe even generational Maybe Mom hates him
or doesn't like him because of his manners. Maybe his
manners are different than your implicit family rules, which are
unspoken rules. So I personally wouldn't need to date someone
who takes my trash out every day, Like, yeah, that
(07:41):
was really nice that that guy did that. But there
are other characteristics and traits in in a partner that
I would look for and that I care about more
than somebody who's going to open my car door and
take the trash out. And this guy took the trash
out and guess what, we are not still together. That's okay,
maybe that's what some people really want, and you know what,
some pole somebody will love that person. But what I'm
(08:03):
saying is like, that's nice of him to do that,
but I'm not offended if that's not something that somebody
wants to do. So she's judging his character or thinks
he's rude because he doesn't do things like hold the
door open and say yes Sam and stuff like that.
Those are either easy fixes or they're non issues. So
you could easily quote unquote fix that and say like, hey,
(08:24):
you know, in my family, we refer to all of
our elders as ma'am and sir, and so when we're
with my family, I would really appreciate it if you
could use those words and use that language um out
of respect for my parents or my grandparents or my
aunts or whoever it is. And you can easily like
let somebody know who otherwise wouldn't know to say that.
(08:53):
I remember when I moved from Virginia in second grade
to Tennessee, I had never experience somebody saying yes man
or no ma'am, And then all of a sudden, that's
what everybody was saying. I was like, wait, am I
supposed to say that? Is it rude? If I don't,
And I'd just be like yeah, And then I learned it,
like that's rude here. I didn't know, so I needed
some education. So what I'm saying in that regard, if
(09:15):
if there are things like that, you can either choose
to say that's a non issue to me, that doesn't
actually bother me. Those things don't bother me. Like if
your mom hates him because he's an offer to take
the trash out, you could say like, yeah, mom, like
that's a you issue, or you can say, oh, yeah, mom,
I don't like that either. He just grew up in
a different kind of environment and they show appreciation and
love and respect in different ways. But he doesn't know that.
(09:37):
So I wonder if he knew that's how you experienced respect,
if he would shift that, and that would be an
easy fix. And man, I really want to reiterate that
I empathize with you because but I don't know the
details of this. It does really sound like it's really
important for you to have a blend right here. It's
your family is very important to you. It sounds like
(09:58):
you're closed with your family, and a dream for you
is that the person that you love spending time with
and the person that you choose to be with is
something that's going to fit in or jive with your family.
And the reality is that's a dream for a lot
of people that like, I'm going to find somebody that
fits so perfectly into the system that I grew up in.
(10:18):
The reality is often that's not the case. And so
we have to look at priorities, right, we have to
look at what's the most important, what do we want?
And then is there anything we want more than that?
So what do we want? I want a person that
fits in with my family and gets along with my
parents and my siblings and all this. Okay, is there
(10:41):
anything you want more than that? Uh? No, Okay, is
there anything you want more than that? I might ask
that to somebody else. Yes, what I want more than
somebody who fits in my family is somebody that I
feel super super connected with and somebody that I feel
can be a partner and respects me and loves me
the way that I desire to be loved. Okay, So
(11:01):
you might have to sacrifice and give or take in
some of these areas, and it reminds me of a
story that I heard a long time ago, a couple
of years ago at a conference that I was at,
and it was this guy was telling a story about
how he had become somewhat successful in his business and
he lived in Chicago and he wanted to buy a
condo that overlooked the city. And so he found this condo.
(11:23):
It was awesome. He loved it, and so he went
to his financial advisor and was like, Okay, can I
afford this condo? And the financial advisor replied after he
did some work, and he was like, yeah, yeah, you
can totally afford this. But I have one question for you.
Is there anything that you want more than this condo?
And he said, what do you mean? He was like,
you can afford this condo, but is there anything in
(11:43):
your life that you want more than this condo right now?
And he said, well, yeah, I mean like I want
a family, and I want a partner, and I want
to be able to go on vacations with my family,
and I want financially stress free environment within my family
and all that. And he said, okay, well then you
can't afford the condo. And he was like what do
you mean. He's like, well, if you want all of
(12:04):
those things, you're going to have to sacrifice, because to
have a family and a partner and a relationship that's
super healthy, you can't work with the same capacity that
you're working right now, and so your finances might shift.
And if your finances shift, then you won't be able
to afford this condo. Or if you want to spend
your money on vacations and this and that, then your
(12:26):
finances are going to shift, and your finances can't shift
if you want to afford this condo. And so he
lost our short didn't get the condo. I am unclear
on it. If you got the other things, but at
the time you hadn't got them yet, but he didn't
get the condo. And I think that speaks to this
idea that, like, I think that we get too caught
up in this this American dream vision of like having
it all when we don't get to have it all.
(12:49):
Most of the time. We get to choose what we prioritize.
And I don't know if I'm getting off topic here,
but I'm kind of just like spreading this conversation out
to sometimes we have to sit with that uncomfortable feeling
and that uncomfortable nous of like, ah, man, this isn't
the perfect thing that I imagined. And also at the
same time, I have something good and I appreciate this
(13:12):
something good, and because I have this something good, I
can let go of this other thing and that doesn't
have to feel good. But I do think that one
thing that I would want you, the person and whoever
is listening, but the person that wrote this question to
look at, is like, what is the most important thing here?
Either as okay, I want to please my family if
that's priority, that's okay, Or I really want to focus
(13:35):
on pleasing myself relationally, that's okay. Not one is not
better than the other. But what is going to make
you feel most taken care of? So this is not
an easy thing. Uh, this is not an easy kind
of breeze through it. But I want you to know
that I really feel the weight of what this probably
is like. Because dating is hard, like I said in
the beginning, and it's hard and it's tough out there
(13:57):
to find connections with people. So when we find these
actions with people, we don't want to let go of
them because we remember how hard it was to find
that connection. So I feel you and I also want
to go back to the thing that I said in
the beginning of you don't have to catastrophize this yet.
We don't have to go worst case scenario. Let's go
through some step before we get to the point where
(14:17):
we have to prioritize and pick one over the other.
Or maybe there is shifting in the idea of what
one of those things looks like. So maybe this is
somebody that can get along with my family, but they're
not going to be best friends with my dad. Okay, Well,
they can spend time with each other and get along
and enjoy each other's company. That works for me. They
(14:39):
don't have to be best friends with my dad, or
they don't be best friends with my mom, or they
don't have to be best friends with my brother and
my sister. And I want to encourage us to also
watch out for this other thing we do. And this
speaks to that space where like I want people to
like who I'm with and think highly of the person
that I am with my partner, I also want to
(14:59):
like that per sin and think highly of them and
to be honest that it's going to be different in
some areas for me then my family, because I'm different
from my parents, I'm different from my siblings, I functioned
differently in relationships, I have different values in different areas,
I have different interests, and so something that I really
think highly up in value is going to look different
(15:21):
in some areas in my family. And so we have
to watch out for that space where our our judgment
gets clouded because we're more concerned about the perceptions of
what people think about us and the people were with
and what we're doing than actually the truth of what
we need and we desire. So a lot of food
for thought here today. And I also would go ahead
(15:42):
and assume that you, the person who wrote this email
and are not the only person who is dealing with
something like this. And it might not even be in dating.
It could be around like the job that I choose
to take or the city that I choose to move in,
are the way I even dress. Like this all goes
to back to like the people pleasing and and all
(16:03):
of that, which we've talked about a lot on here.
So thank you for the question, thank you for being vulnerable,
and good luck to you and your relationship and your
relationship with your family. And know that you're not alone
in this. So that does it for today's episode of
couch Talks. If you have a question that you would
like me to answer again, you can send it to
(16:24):
Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can
follow the podcast at at you Need Therapy Podcast on Instagram,
and you can follow me at cat dot defata. And
if you could do us the biggest favor and give
us a rating and a review UM at the bottom
of um Apple Podcasts, that would be awesome. We really
appreciate each and every one of those. When you guys
(16:47):
do that, I notice, and I really really appreciate it. UM.
So if you could do that, if you have constructive feedback,
which I also really value, go ahead. You can email
that to me as well, and I will UM take
that in for some food for thought for myself. So
I hope you guys have the day you need to
have and I will talk to you guys on Monday.
(17:09):
Get excited because I was enthralled with this conversation that
you guys are going to hear Monday. So market Calendar
said an alarm. Subscribe follow the podcast so you automatically
get it and you don't miss this episode because it's
so good. All right, I will talk to you guys Monday.
Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of
Couch Talks. I'm Kat and I'm the host here. If
you're new and you're like, what is couch Talks, this
is You Need Therapy. Couch Talks is the bonus episode
of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you
guys send in to me. And if you have a
question that you want to send in to me, you
(00:31):
can send it to Catherine k A t h R
y n at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. And
also reminder to all of you that even though I
am a therapist, this is not therapy and I'm not
your therapist. Actually I might be depending on who's listening
to this right now, um, but I'm most likely not
(00:51):
your therapist. So I just want to remind everybody that
before we get into the questions. Now, for the emails,
we're just going to do one today and it's a
good one. I'm super excited about answering this and talking
about it. I kind of wish I had somebody to
talk about this with, but it's just gonna be me.
So here is the question we have. Hi, Cat, So
I have a pretty personal question and it kind of
(01:14):
has to do with boundaries. I think I have been
dating my boyfriend for about six months now, and I
run into a problem. I waited about three months to
introduce him to my family, which I thought was appropriate
because our relationship was new and I wanted and still
want to take things slow. Well, it turns out my
mom hates him. Well maybe hate is a strong word,
(01:35):
but she doesn't think he's right for me. I don't
know what to do. I am closed with my family
and what my partner to get along with my family
and fit in with my family. But also I really
like this guy. So should I wait it out? Do
I tell my boyfriend that she doesn't like him. I
really don't know what to do. Help. Okay, so as
(01:56):
if dating was not enough, then we are adding in
family dynamics and then boom, it's harder. So I empathize
with you. This sounds like a hard situation to be in.
I really really like this guy. Things seem to be
going well, and then all of a sudden, my mom
(02:16):
doesn't like him, and that throws a curveball. Because i've
i'm assume always have wanted my mom and imagine my
mom to love the person that I want to spend
the majority of my life with if that's what your
intentions are with dating. So obviously I have so many
questions that I wish I could ask you, and obviously
as well, I can't and won't tell you what to do,
(02:37):
but I would like to encourage you to first and foremost,
not catastrophize this situation just yet. I don't know the details,
like I said, so there's probably more to this that
would help me understand and and make it educated encouragement
to you. But the first thing I would definitely say is,
let's not catastrophize just yet, because is just because she
(03:01):
doesn't like him now, where things seem weird now doesn't
mean they're always going to be that way. And just
because she doesn't like him or didn't enjoy meeting him
for some reason, doesn't mean that can't shift as you
guys continue to date, and you know, the world moves.
So let's not go to worst case scenario like if
I marry this guy, my family will fall apart. We
(03:21):
don't know that would happen, So let's talk about mom.
So Mom doesn't like him, does she hate his personality
or he isn't what she imagined for you, what is
it that she does not like about him? And is
that something that you also don't like? And is that
a deal breaker? So most of our parents most want
the best for us, right, So the issue with that
(03:43):
is because that's a good thing. But the issue with
that is that they are seeing the world through their lens,
so they imagine what is best for you through how
they have experienced the world and relationships. You have the
right to disagree because you've experienced the world through your lens.
Then there's this part, and I want you to take
this and gently. I wonder if there's any validity to
(04:03):
what your mom may be seeing that she doesn't like
in him. I wonder because this relationship is still new,
which means you might possibly still be in this deep
infatuated stage or um, you know, this lustful, excited, blissful.
You know, if we all use the term honeymoon phase
of your relationship, and when we're in that stage, sometimes
(04:27):
we don't see things as clearly as other people see them.
And sometimes we just don't see things as clearly as
other people see them when we're in them because we
have a different vantage point. So maybe, and this is
this is maybe because I don't know, but do your
your parents might have or your mom might have a
legitimate concern, Like she might be seeing something that you
(04:47):
are not able to see right now, and I think
that is something worth paying attention to. Now you have
the ability to disagree, like I said, with what she's seen,
but I think there's something to be said about that.
And I know for my friends, let's say my friends,
this happens probably to everybody. So you don't have kids
(05:08):
or something like that, so you can use your friends
as examples or comparison. So have you ever had a
friend who's dated somebody and you're like, I do not
like this person for them, And it's because you're seeing
a pattern of behavior or just something in them that
really throws you for a loop that they look past
or ignore, or just literally can't see. They're blinded by
(05:29):
because they are in this relationship and they're seeing all
these other things or wanting to see these other things.
Now with that that person dating, that person can still
choose to date them, whether or not we share that
information with them or not. That's their right as well.
Like I'm saying, your mom might have these concerns. They
might be legitimate or illegitimate, But if they are legitimate,
you still have the choice to date him anyway and
(05:51):
disagree with her. But I would if you have a
good relationship with your mom, like it sounds like you do,
I would really, you know, take into consideration it is
that she doesn't like about him, if it is something
worth looking at, like, I would be very curious of that. Now,
if it's his personality she hates, well, she's not dating him.
So do you like his personality? And I would assume
(06:13):
that you do. But I'm also not sure that details
of the relationship, and that's where like, yeah, your mom
wouldn't dat him, but you might and that's okay. Or
maybe this guy did some things that you know, rubbed
her the wrong way. So I know, for me, I
grew up in the South, and there is a certain
culture that goes along with the expectations of how men
(06:37):
should act in relationships and really in general. So to
give you some context, I remember I was dating this
guy a couple of years ago, and the first night
that one of my friends met him, she said, yeah,
I knew he was from Mississippi because he took your
trash out without asking. I was like, what, and that's
just an example of like, that's an expectation that like
(06:59):
men and Mrs Sippy or like men in the South,
they're supposed to take the trash out, and they're supposed
to open the door, and they're supposed to say yes ma'am, no, ma'am,
and um. They're spposed to do all these things, and
they're supposed to be the breadwinners or they're supposed to
have these types of jobs. And so maybe there are
some things that this person did or didn't do that
maybe just like rubbed your mom the wrong way, and
(07:20):
that has to do with more of like her culture
and expectations and maybe even generational Maybe Mom hates him
or doesn't like him because of his manners. Maybe his
manners are different than your implicit family rules, which are
unspoken rules. So I personally wouldn't need to date someone
who takes my trash out every day, Like, yeah, that
(07:41):
was really nice that that guy did that. But there
are other characteristics and traits in in a partner that
I would look for and that I care about more
than somebody who's going to open my car door and
take the trash out. And this guy took the trash
out and guess what, we are not still together. That's okay,
maybe that's what some people really want, and you know what,
some pole somebody will love that person. But what I'm
(08:03):
saying is like, that's nice of him to do that,
but I'm not offended if that's not something that somebody
wants to do. So she's judging his character or thinks
he's rude because he doesn't do things like hold the
door open and say yes Sam and stuff like that.
Those are either easy fixes or they're non issues. So
you could easily quote unquote fix that and say like, hey,
(08:24):
you know, in my family, we refer to all of
our elders as ma'am and sir, and so when we're
with my family, I would really appreciate it if you
could use those words and use that language um out
of respect for my parents or my grandparents or my
aunts or whoever it is. And you can easily like
let somebody know who otherwise wouldn't know to say that.
(08:53):
I remember when I moved from Virginia in second grade
to Tennessee, I had never experience somebody saying yes man
or no ma'am, And then all of a sudden, that's
what everybody was saying. I was like, wait, am I
supposed to say that? Is it rude? If I don't,
And I'd just be like yeah, And then I learned it,
like that's rude here. I didn't know, so I needed
some education. So what I'm saying in that regard, if
(09:15):
if there are things like that, you can either choose
to say that's a non issue to me, that doesn't
actually bother me. Those things don't bother me. Like if
your mom hates him because he's an offer to take
the trash out, you could say like, yeah, mom, like
that's a you issue, or you can say, oh, yeah, mom,
I don't like that either. He just grew up in
a different kind of environment and they show appreciation and
love and respect in different ways. But he doesn't know that.
(09:37):
So I wonder if he knew that's how you experienced respect,
if he would shift that, and that would be an
easy fix. And man, I really want to reiterate that
I empathize with you because but I don't know the
details of this. It does really sound like it's really
important for you to have a blend right here. It's
your family is very important to you. It sounds like
(09:58):
you're closed with your family, and a dream for you
is that the person that you love spending time with
and the person that you choose to be with is
something that's going to fit in or jive with your family.
And the reality is that's a dream for a lot
of people that like, I'm going to find somebody that
fits so perfectly into the system that I grew up in.
(10:18):
The reality is often that's not the case. And so
we have to look at priorities, right, we have to
look at what's the most important, what do we want?
And then is there anything we want more than that?
So what do we want? I want a person that
fits in with my family and gets along with my
parents and my siblings and all this. Okay, is there
(10:41):
anything you want more than that? Uh? No, Okay, is
there anything you want more than that? I might ask
that to somebody else. Yes, what I want more than
somebody who fits in my family is somebody that I
feel super super connected with and somebody that I feel
can be a partner and respects me and loves me
the way that I desire to be loved. Okay, So
(11:01):
you might have to sacrifice and give or take in
some of these areas, and it reminds me of a
story that I heard a long time ago, a couple
of years ago at a conference that I was at,
and it was this guy was telling a story about
how he had become somewhat successful in his business and
he lived in Chicago and he wanted to buy a
condo that overlooked the city. And so he found this condo.
(11:23):
It was awesome. He loved it, and so he went
to his financial advisor and was like, Okay, can I
afford this condo? And the financial advisor replied after he
did some work, and he was like, yeah, yeah, you
can totally afford this. But I have one question for you.
Is there anything that you want more than this condo?
And he said, what do you mean? He was like,
you can afford this condo, but is there anything in
(11:43):
your life that you want more than this condo right now?
And he said, well, yeah, I mean like I want
a family, and I want a partner, and I want
to be able to go on vacations with my family,
and I want financially stress free environment within my family
and all that. And he said, okay, well then you
can't afford the condo. And he was like what do
you mean. He's like, well, if you want all of
(12:04):
those things, you're going to have to sacrifice, because to
have a family and a partner and a relationship that's
super healthy, you can't work with the same capacity that
you're working right now, and so your finances might shift.
And if your finances shift, then you won't be able
to afford this condo. Or if you want to spend
your money on vacations and this and that, then your
(12:26):
finances are going to shift, and your finances can't shift
if you want to afford this condo. And so he
lost our short didn't get the condo. I am unclear
on it. If you got the other things, but at
the time you hadn't got them yet, but he didn't
get the condo. And I think that speaks to this
idea that, like, I think that we get too caught
up in this this American dream vision of like having
it all when we don't get to have it all.
(12:49):
Most of the time. We get to choose what we prioritize.
And I don't know if I'm getting off topic here,
but I'm kind of just like spreading this conversation out
to sometimes we have to sit with that uncomfortable feeling
and that uncomfortable nous of like, ah, man, this isn't
the perfect thing that I imagined. And also at the
same time, I have something good and I appreciate this
(13:12):
something good, and because I have this something good, I
can let go of this other thing and that doesn't
have to feel good. But I do think that one
thing that I would want you, the person and whoever
is listening, but the person that wrote this question to
look at, is like, what is the most important thing here?
Either as okay, I want to please my family if
that's priority, that's okay, Or I really want to focus
(13:35):
on pleasing myself relationally, that's okay. Not one is not
better than the other. But what is going to make
you feel most taken care of? So this is not
an easy thing. Uh, this is not an easy kind
of breeze through it. But I want you to know
that I really feel the weight of what this probably
is like. Because dating is hard, like I said in
the beginning, and it's hard and it's tough out there
(13:57):
to find connections with people. So when we find these
actions with people, we don't want to let go of
them because we remember how hard it was to find
that connection. So I feel you and I also want
to go back to the thing that I said in
the beginning of you don't have to catastrophize this yet.
We don't have to go worst case scenario. Let's go
through some step before we get to the point where
(14:17):
we have to prioritize and pick one over the other.
Or maybe there is shifting in the idea of what
one of those things looks like. So maybe this is
somebody that can get along with my family, but they're
not going to be best friends with my dad. Okay, Well,
they can spend time with each other and get along
and enjoy each other's company. That works for me. They
(14:39):
don't have to be best friends with my dad, or
they don't be best friends with my mom, or they
don't have to be best friends with my brother and
my sister. And I want to encourage us to also
watch out for this other thing we do. And this
speaks to that space where like I want people to
like who I'm with and think highly of the person
that I am with my partner, I also want to
(14:59):
like that per sin and think highly of them and
to be honest that it's going to be different in
some areas for me then my family, because I'm different
from my parents, I'm different from my siblings, I functioned
differently in relationships, I have different values in different areas,
I have different interests, and so something that I really
think highly up in value is going to look different
(15:21):
in some areas in my family. And so we have
to watch out for that space where our our judgment
gets clouded because we're more concerned about the perceptions of
what people think about us and the people were with
and what we're doing than actually the truth of what
we need and we desire. So a lot of food
for thought here today. And I also would go ahead
(15:42):
and assume that you, the person who wrote this email
and are not the only person who is dealing with
something like this. And it might not even be in dating.
It could be around like the job that I choose
to take or the city that I choose to move in,
are the way I even dress. Like this all goes
to back to like the people pleasing and and all
(16:03):
of that, which we've talked about a lot on here.
So thank you for the question, thank you for being vulnerable,
and good luck to you and your relationship and your
relationship with your family. And know that you're not alone
in this. So that does it for today's episode of
couch Talks. If you have a question that you would
like me to answer again, you can send it to
(16:24):
Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can
follow the podcast at at you Need Therapy Podcast on Instagram,
and you can follow me at cat dot defata. And
if you could do us the biggest favor and give
us a rating and a review UM at the bottom
of um Apple Podcasts, that would be awesome. We really
appreciate each and every one of those. When you guys
(16:47):
do that, I notice, and I really really appreciate it. UM.
So if you could do that, if you have constructive feedback,
which I also really value, go ahead. You can email
that to me as well, and I will UM take
that in for some food for thought for myself. So
I hope you guys have the day you need to
have and I will talk to you guys on Monday.
(17:09):
Get excited because I was enthralled with this conversation that
you guys are going to hear Monday. So market Calendar
said an alarm. Subscribe follow the podcast so you automatically
get it and you don't miss this episode because it's
so good. All right, I will talk to you guys Monday.
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