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November 24, 2021 10 mins

Couch talks is the special bonus episode where Kat answers questions that listeners send to kathryn@youneedtherapypodacast.com. However, this week Kat takes a break from the questions are talks about the difficulty that the holidays can bring when it comes to grief.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch Talks.
My name is Kat and I am the host. Here.
Couch Shocks is a special bonus episode of You Need
Therapy where I answer questions that listeners you send to
Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. So if
you have any questions then feel free to send them

(00:30):
my way. Again, that's Catherine K A t h R
y N at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. Also
a quick reminder that yes I am a therapist. This
is called You Need Therapy, but this actually isn't therapy
or replacement for therapy. Now. Usually, like I just said,
I answer questions on this episode that you guys send in,

(00:52):
but today I thought we could just have a quick
chat sense. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and well, as much fun
as the holidays can be, they can also come with
their fair share of super uncomfy feelings. And I put
an instant question up by the way, you can follow
me if you want to at at cat dot de

(01:14):
fata and at You Need Therapy Podcast. I'll put those
links in the show notes for you to just to
click on them. Do you want to follow me? You
can find me at those places but I put up
an instant question Instagram question on my story and asked
what are the hard parts of the holidays? And you
guys just kind of like went for it. Never have

(01:34):
I gotten such quick responses from a question, and that
tells me that this is really tough for a bunch
of you guys. And I actually covered some of what
I was going to talk about today yesterday on Four
Things with Amy Brown during her fifth Thing that we've
turned into Amy and cat chats, So if you're unfamiliar,
Amy Brown has a podcast called Four Things with Amy Brown,

(01:56):
and she does an episode every Tuesday and Thursday. And
on Tuesday I joined her and we answer emails or
we just like kind of talk about life, and then
on Thursday she does her episodes by herself or with guests.
And also tomorrow Thanksgiving, I'm actually on that episode again
and we talked about a lot of stuff, and if

(02:17):
you have some time tomorrow you might want to check
it out, or Friday or Saturday or any day after that.
But just wanted to put that out there. I'll be
there on there tomorrow as well. Anyway, Yesterday, on the
fifth Thing, Amy shared some about what it's like to
be walking into the first Thanksgiving without her dad, and
I talked about some sadness around what my life looks

(02:37):
like and how it looks differently than I imagined it
when I was younger, and how Thanksgiving in Christmas kind
of highlights that and gave some ideas on how to
help feel those feelings and also ask for what you need.
So if you want to listen to that episode, I'll
link that as well in the show notes. And like, really,
it's just so weird because this holiday, Thanksgiving is all

(02:57):
centered around gratitude and being thankful, and at the same
time it offers this space where we also become acutely
aware of what we wish we had or what we're
missing or maybe even just like what we've lost. And
I love the holidays, I do want to make sure
that I get that point across. I love this time
of year. I also love the time of year because
my birthdays in December. It's coming up December four, but

(03:19):
it also comes like this whole time of year also
comes with this highlighter that highlights around the things that
I don't have, and for you, whether it's a job
or significant other family member, this time of year just
really helps us remember what doesn't feel like a Hallmark movie,
which at the same time, we are given more of
those around this year, which I love a good cheesy

(03:41):
Christmas movie. I love it, and as I watched them,
I'm very aware that my life doesn'tthing like that. Now. Yesterday, again,
in Amy's episode, I talked more about the loneliness I
feel in my life around this time. So if that's
something that you're struggling with again, go listen to the episode.
I'll link that so you can just click on it,
because we're not going to talk about that as much

(04:01):
today because yes, the lack of Hallmark looking love stories
gets highlighted the time of year, but for many so
does the experience of grief and loss, and that's something
that just generally is tough for us to talk about.
I was actually talking to my mom on Sunday. We
were driving around, running some errands and doing some shopping.
She mentioned that part of her wishes that she could

(04:23):
just like push past the holidays. I was kind of
like shocked, and I was like why, and then I
was like, oh my gosh. The So my grandma, which
was my mom's mom, passed away this past January and
this will be her first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her
mom like ever in her life. And I sitting here
cannot even entertain the thought of not having my mom

(04:45):
for a day of my life, let alone a holiday.
And so I was like, oh my gosh. Oh. And
even though we didn't spend the holidays with my grandma
most of the time, she so spoke to her every
single Thanksgiving and Christmas of her life except this one.
And it's tough, like it's like excruciating. I want to
use that word because that feels like more powerful. And
I know some of you listening are about to experience

(05:07):
the same thing. So yesterday or the day before. At
some point in the last couple of days, I also
saw this post that Megan Divine, who's um a grief expert,
post on Instagram and it said loss gets integrated, not overcome.
And I was like, oh my gosh, like, yes, that
is true and that makes sense and I get it

(05:29):
and I believe it, and I hate that, like I
just hate it. Part of me just wants to fight
that idea, and I'm like, no, I will overcome this.
I will overcome tragedy and loss. How dare you tell
me that we can't overcome this, But she's right in
that we don't get over loss. It will never feel
good to not have a human that we love with

(05:50):
us on special days. What we do is we integrate
the loss of these people into our lives. That is
what creates more of the healing process. So that means
where we used to experience the presence of someone, we
need to integrate their memory. And I would rather have
the presence. I would rather have the presence of somebody
in my life. But this is one of those things
where it's like I can't change this. I can't bring

(06:11):
them back, and I can't bring my grandma back for Thanksgiving?
So how can I integrate her memory into our day
and at the same time honor our grief and honor
my mom's grief because that's different than my grief and
the difference that is felt this year just in general,
just the difference. How do I honor all that and
integrate her memory. I hear people ask questions all the

(06:32):
time when it comes to the grieving process, and they'll
sound like, what am I going to get over this?
When am I not going to be affected by this?
When is this going to be over. When will I
feel normal again? And there's no good right answer. Part
of that is because we have to integrate our loss
that we don't want to have. We have to integrate
our loss that we actually don't want to have into

(06:52):
our new normal. So it's not what am I going
to feel normal again? It's how do I create a
new normal with the integration of this person or human
or thing not in my life anymore. It's super, super tough,
and there's like a real battle within it because again,
we don't want this loss. But it may help if
your goal moves from trying to move on to try
and to move with. And I don't know about you,

(07:14):
but even as a therapist, I never really know what
to say during these moments of intense and acute grief.
And I'm semi okay with that because I believe that
I feel this way because there isn't a right thing
to say, and like I want right things to say
because I want people to feel better. I just like do,
although there are some definite wrong things to say when
it goes to grief. But because of this, I can

(07:36):
be a huge avoider just of the subject in general,
Like if somebody doesn't bring it to me. I'm not
going to go forth and ask because I'm afraid to
dampen the mood or say something wrong or overstep the
boundary or feel feelings that I don't necessarily want to feel.
And I just don't like being sad. I don't. But
I think it's important to talk about here that you

(07:56):
can hold space for someone's grief without catching their grief,
Like I can support someone without taking on their feelings,
and it actually can be super helpful to someone who's
grieving to not have to feel like they have to
be totally alone in it. So I say that because
maybe this year you can reach out and maybe you're
not the one grieving, but you have a family member

(08:17):
or somebody who is, or maybe you are grieving, but
like my mom's grief is different than my grief, and
so maybe you can reach out and ask someone to
share a memory or just let them know that you're
there to talk and at least let them know you're
open and available. Then if they want the space, they
can take it and come and share memory or something
with you, and you don't have to force it, right,

(08:39):
It's just like letting that person know, Hey, I'm over here.
If it's something that you would like to talk about,
I want you to know that I'm I'm here for you.
And then you let that person who's grieving decide if
they want to take that space or not. Just give
them an option. You don't have to force it, which
just like give them an option to know that, like
if they don't want to be alone in their stuff,
they don't have to be alone. Because full circle back
to this idea that Thanksgiving as a holiday that is

(09:01):
so great because we get to look at everything that
we have to be thankful for and grateful for and
all that stuff. And when we do that, sometimes we
are inundated with all the things that we don't have
any more that we wish we had. And somebody can
be silently really sitting somewhere feeling really alone and just saying, hey,
I'm here if you want to talk, can mitigate that
feeling and offer something that somebody might be really longing

(09:24):
for and maybe not even know it. So, if you
are somebody who is grieving something this year, I just
want you to know that I'm here for you. Right, So,
if you want to send me an email about what
it's like for you during the holidays, feel free to
do that. If you have questions around grief and and
how do you create a new normal and questions around that,

(09:45):
send that to me. I would love to be a
resource for you if I can within my limits. And
I just want you to know that like I see
you even though I don't really see you, because I
know this time can be really tough, and I have
my own stuff that's going on around the holidays and
it's not always what it looks like from the outside.
So I hope this was helpful as always, And yesterday

(10:05):
we titled Amy's fifth Thing episode, have a Thanksgiving you
need to have, So I think I'm gonna leave you
guys with that, have the Thanksgiving you need to have.
It doesn't have to be the Thanksgiving that you want
to post on Instagram. It might just be the one
that you need to have. So allow yourself to have
the space that you need to honor all the things
that are going on with you. And I will talk

(10:26):
to you guys on Monday.
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