September 29, 2021 • 16 mins
Couch Talks is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where Kat (@kat.defatta) answers questions you send to kathryn@youneedtherapy.com. This week Kat talks about what to do when your ex is friends with your community AFTER the breakup.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of
Couch Talks on You Need Therapy. My name is Kat
and Couch Talks is the bonus episode of You Need
Therapy where I answer questions that you guys send in
to me. You can send those two Catherine K A
t h R y N at You Need Therapy podcast
(00:30):
dot com and I would love to get them and
read them and see if I can talk about them
on here to help you guys out. Now, as always,
before we get into this, a little reminder that although
I am answering your questions somewhat, uh, this is not
therapy in itself, and this is just a human talking
about some things that you guys want to talk about.
(00:50):
So it might lead to therapy, but this right now
that you're listening to isn't that. So let's just get
into it. So again today we're only going to do
one question. Starting to do that a little bit more
just so I can talk about the questions a little
bit longer, which I like to do because you know,
sometimes I just get going and I can't stop. So
we have one question, and I'm gonna keep it anonymous
(01:12):
as usual, just to you know, protect you guys, because
sometimes we don't need people to know the things that
we're wondering in our heads. So here's the question from
our anonymous human high cat. I've been wanting to email
you for a while, but I haven't because I was
hoping what I'm struggling with would just go away on
its own. Well, not much, to my and probably your surprise,
(01:36):
Ignoring my problems hasn't made them any better. They actually
just got worse. So I started dating this guy a
couple of years ago who I thought was just the
best person ever, and that him through an app and
naturally we had no mutual friends. Well, also one of
the reasons that we had no mutual friends was because
he didn't really have a community in our city. He
was new Ish and had acquaintances, but no real actual
(02:00):
unity here. Well, I brought him into my circle and
he fit right in like a glove. To make a
long story short, we broke up about six months ago
after dating for two years. It was one of those
mutual ish breakups, but like I was heartbroken and I'm
not in a place where I can just be his
friend right now. However, his friends are now my friends.
(02:22):
My community became his community, and now I feel so
lost and I feel really alone. I don't feel like
I have the right to ask people to take sides,
but they were my friends first. But at the same time,
it's not like he did anything horrible. He just kind
of broke my heart. I don't really know what to do.
I've been distant and it's made getting over the breakup
harder because I don't have my people to lean on.
I don't go to social functions because there's always a
(02:43):
chance he will be there, and now it's been so long,
I feel like it would be even weirder for me
to say something. Do you have any suggestions? Part of
me thinks I'm just going to have to create a
whole new group of friends. I'm stuck, I'm lonely, and
I'm sad. Okay, this is really tough because there's a
lot of stuff going on here. There's a lot of
different tough things that are happening in this real life
(03:05):
scenario that I'm so grateful that you brought to me,
because I have a feeling that other people have experienced
something like this and this, like what do you do?
So one you're heartbroken and I'm so sorry. One of
the hardest and most uncomfortable things that humans go through heartbreak.
So that's one thing. So you're heartbroken, you feel stuck.
(03:28):
Sounds like you don't feel like you have permission to
ask for what you really need right now. It sounds
like you don't feel supported. And what I know about healing,
especially when it comes to a broken heart, is often
healing happens through human connection. And it also sounds like
you have a lot of empathy for others, because I
would be basically like, f that guy, he broke my heart.
(03:49):
These are my friends. I get them, which is why
I'm not here to give you advice, and I'm not
here to tell you to do what I would do
because that may not necessarily be what you need. Different
people will have different opinions on what to do here,
and I want to say that very loud and clear.
Different people are going to have different opinions. There's a
million sides you can take here, and there's a million
ways to talk about this scenario. What I want to
(04:12):
help move you into is this place in a space
where you feel secure and identifying your feelings, your needs,
and your opinions. This goes to every human listening to this.
You don't need everyone to agree with you to have
an opinion on your own life, and to have an
opinion on your own life that feels right. You don't
need people to agree with you to do that. So
I really want to in kind of what we're going
(04:34):
to talk about, empower you to own that you are
allowed to ask for things that feel important and things
that you need. And you're a lot of feel whatever
you feel. So let's talk bummer about him not having friends.
And this is something that I didn't I don't think
I mentioned this when I did the Dating App episode.
I know in Nashville, especially, a lot of people's profiles
(04:54):
say things like new to town and looking for a
tour guide, and like, to be honest, I don't feel
like we need to just like right off anyone who's
new to town. But I think it's important to maintain
boundaries and lives separate from each other outside of the
relationships we create. And that can be really hard sometimes,
especially when you're like this person fits right in, and
that's what I'm looking for. I want to share my
(05:16):
things with you because I want to be with you,
and I like you, so I want to share my
things with you. Okay, I get it. I totally get that.
We have to be very careful not to get too
caught up in what that actually means. You have your life,
he has his life, and then you have your life together.
There are different things going on in in this scenario,
three different things that I think goes for all relationships.
(05:37):
Your life, his life, your relationship. I hate the term
my other half. I'm not going to get often to
a tangent about that, but I just hate that term. No, no, no,
no no. You are not looking for your other half.
We are identifying our wholeness. Right. You are a whole
person and your partner is a whole person, and then
(05:57):
you have a relationship and that's a whole thing. So
there's that part, and I didn't address that in the
Dating app episodes, but I just think that's interesting and
something to think about and remember. Regardless. Something that a
lawyer once told me is that we can't change the past.
So there's no use in talking about what you would
have done differently. The only productive thing we can do
(06:17):
is focused on what we can do now to move forward.
So that's kind of where you are, like, what can
I do now to move forward? My heart's broken, and
I don't really know what to do about my community
because that feels weird right now. So what can we do? Well,
what's the problem. I'm asking you to identify that? Like,
what's the problem? Is it that it's my community? You
want your friends back, you want your community back, and
(06:38):
that is a community that might not include him, or
you might not want to include him. So first is
identifying the problem. I'm really curious about the breakup. It
sounds like he hurt you, but it was also mutual,
and I kind of know what you mean, and I
can assume some things around that, but I don't really
I shouldn't. I don't want to assume. But I've been there,
(06:58):
Like I've been in that place where like, oh, I mean,
he didn't do anything wrong, but he freaking broke my
heart and so mad at him? But like why am
I mad at him? Because he didn't do anything wrong?
And it sucks when you're in that place where he's
not a bad person, but being around him might bring
up some like icky feelings and being reminded of him
constantly is painful and that would make moving on really tough.
(07:19):
And so sometimes I think we create these stories that
like if we could hate our X, or if we
could demonize this person, we would feel better. And I
don't know that that is true. I think that um
just changes the story, right, and it changes the feelings
or kind of distracts the feelings. If I could be mad,
then I don't have to be sad, right, If he
(07:40):
can be a bad person, then I don't have to
make it about me not feeling like I'm enough or
something like that. It's almost like a distraction. The reality
is like somebody doesn't have to be a bad person
to hurt our feelings, you know, like somebody might not
have done anything wrong, and maybe we're still hurt by that,
and that's a reality, and we might need something in that.
(08:01):
And you need to not be around this person all
the time so you can heal and move on. And
that's so valid and makes a lot of sense. So
I would ask yourself, what would you ask for if
you could be completely selfish and get exactly what you
want like dream world? Okay, maybe that feels really unreasonable. Okay,
(08:26):
work backwards, So start from ideal and then work backwards.
Sometimes we ignore our needs because we don't think we're deserving,
or we don't think it's possible to get them met.
And that's valid because sometimes our needs can't get met
exactly the way we want. But also that doesn't mean
that we have to be black and white like. There
can be some compromise in those needs. So that's why
(08:48):
you work backwards. Okay, I can't have this perfect space,
I can't create this perfect scenario. What can I create?
Is that better than nothing? Another helpful question is what
are you afraid of? Here? Another way I might ask
that is, what's the worst that could happen if you
asked for that thing that you really really want? Like,
what's the worst that could happen? I'm making this up
because I'm having a conversation with myself, But maybe the
(09:10):
worst thing that could happen is like you don't get
what you asked for, and and maybe your friends will
desert you because how dare you ask for whatever you
ask for? Which in parentheses here I'm saying it sounds
very unlikely. I don't know that you would have friends
that would so easily drop you like that, especially because
I don't know that what you would ask for it
would be unreasonable, unreasonable? But then, what's your reality now? Right.
(09:33):
So if the worst that could happen happen, and the
worst that could happen is that, like I lose my friends. Okay,
Well you kind of mentioned that in the part of
your question where you're like, I just want to start
all over and then maybe I have to just get
a new community and new friends. Well you're already creating
that worst case scenario. So either the worst case scenario
definitely happens because you're like, I'm not going to ask
for what I need. I'm not going to do that.
(09:53):
I'm just going to get a new group of friends,
or that happens because you give yourself a shot to
ask for what you need. But in that oppera tunity,
you also give yourself an opportunity, right, You give yourself
a shot to get your needs met or to get
some of your needs met. Also, I bet your friends
in that can be more empathetic than you think. However,
they are not mind readers. So if you act like
(10:13):
everything's fine and you tell them that everything's fine, since
they can't read your mind, they don't know that things
are not fine, like that you're not okay and that
you're feeling these feelings. That's the thing we do a lot.
It's like this passive aggressive like I want people to know,
and I'm not saying that you're doing this just we do.
In general, humans do this a lot, like we want
people to know. We don't want to have to tell them,
we don't want to have to ask, we want people
(10:34):
to read our minds. But at the same time, we're
really good actors, right, And I can speak for a
large portion of the population when I say that, Like,
humans generally do not want to engage in conflict. So
if I don't have to acknowledge that what is going
on is going on, that if I don't have to
(10:55):
acknowledge that you feel some kind of way around the
fact that your ex boyfriend is still always around us,
I'm probably not going to acknowledge. I'd rather not. Right,
here's another thing, and I want you to hear this too.
Just like the majority of human beings like don't want
to engage in conflict, I also think that the majority
of human beings would be very understanding in the fact
(11:17):
that it's hard for you to be around your ex
boyfriend all the time. Like that makes a lot of sense.
That's not a crazy thing to say. And what you
aren't doing here, and what you wouldn't be doing here
by by talking to your friends is blaming other people
for your feelings or making your feelings someone else's problem.
You're expressing what it's like to be you, and you're
(11:37):
asking for support. By you doing this, you're taking responsibility here.
And taking responsibility doesn't mean that you have to sit
on an island by yourself, like, that's not what it is.
Sometimes responsibility involves asking for help, like that's a very
responsible thing to do. Asking for help is a very
responsible thing to do as a human, as an adult.
(11:59):
Sometimes responsibility means being courageous, like being courageous enough to
have the hard conversation because like I said, most people
don't want to have that if we don't have to.
No one is just like I want conflict in my life, well,
no one who's in a healthy spot. So if we
can avoid it, we're going to. But avoiding conflict and
(12:19):
avoiding these feelings doesn't make them not real. And you
are the one here that is sitting in the reality
of what it means in your friendships, not anybody else.
And I just like hate that for you because you're
already struggling you're already struggling in heartbreak and in this
weirdness of your friends, like you deserve some help avoiding
your feelings the same thing with avoiding conflict. It does
(12:40):
not make them go away. It just pushes them and
moves them and and creates resentment and put some of
places they don't belong, and it just keeps you farther
away from getting what you actually need and what you
actually deserve. So I'm going to end this in something
that I say often, But you know you know what
you need better than than you think, like I think
(13:01):
you know what you want to do. Here, it's giving
yourself the permission to really feel like that's okay for
you to ask for, Or it's giving yourself permission to
have the conversation that's hard. It's it's giving yourself permission
to do something scary. Because you sound like a rational
person like I, I empathize with this a lot, and
it would be a really hard place to be. So
(13:23):
I want to encourage you to offer yourself from permission
that you've been waiting on other people to give you
because you don't you don't need that. You need to
listen to what your your body is telling you because
a lot of times our bodies are really smart. Not
a lot of times, all the time, most of the time,
and uh yeah, you deserve to get your needs met,
just like anybody else in this world. So I hope
(13:45):
that was helpful and got you thinking. If anything, I
hope it just makes you feel less alone, because I
know there are people that are are listening to this
that are like, oh my gosh, me too. And so
maybe you didn't write this question, but you're like, oh
my gosh, I'm in this. Um, you're not the only one.
And if you're feeling like it's tough and you're feeling
like it's hard, it's probably because it is. It's not
because there's something wrong with you. So give yourself some
(14:08):
permission to do some stuff. In a I don't know
where I saw it, but maybe I read it, or
maybe it was in a Oh I read it in
a Burnet Brown book, she talked about writing permission slips,
and so there was a practice where she would take
post it notes since she would like write permission slips
almost like you would get in like school of like
you have permission to leave school early. It's like, okay,
(14:29):
you have permission to feel sad for twenty minutes or
whatever it is. She would write permission slips for herself
and then she would engage in those things as a
practice and then they would feel more natural after a while.
So maybe today you just need to write down, um,
some permissions that you want to practice before you get
to doing this scary hard thing and asking for some
support and some help and some boundaries with your friends.
(14:49):
So my heart goes out to you, and I hope
this is helpful. And anybody who has a question that
you want me to talk about again, you can send
it to Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.
You can follow the podcast at you Need Therapy Podcast
on Instagram. You can follow me at Cat dot de
fata on Instagram. And we would love it if you
(15:10):
would rate and review this podcast. If you scroll to
the bottom, give us a little five stars please, and
if you want to leave a comment, leave a comment.
I would love that. I love reading feedback from you guys,
So have the day you need to have. If you
haven't heard yet another little trying to wrap this up,
but also I want to tell you, guys this you
haven't heard. I am starting to do Amy Brown's Four
(15:31):
Things with Amy Brown. She has her podcast as well.
I'm starting to do her Tuesday episode with her. So
every Tuesday we have little conversations around a lot of
times emails that people send into her, and it's really
fun because you get to hear us have a conversation
with each other around sometimes things similar to that I'm
talking about here. So if you are not a listener
of Four Things with Amy Brown, please do that and
(15:52):
subscribe to it. And if you want to hear more
conversations like this but me talking to other people and
not just myself, um and listen to her Tuesday episodes.
We have not named it yet right now, we're just
going with Amy and cat chats. But we'll see, we'll
see what happens. If you have an idea, send it
into me. But I hope you guys have the day
you need to have, and thank you for being here
today and I will talk to you guys on Monday.
Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of
Couch Talks on You Need Therapy. My name is Kat
and Couch Talks is the bonus episode of You Need
Therapy where I answer questions that you guys send in
to me. You can send those two Catherine K A
t h R y N at You Need Therapy podcast
(00:30):
dot com and I would love to get them and
read them and see if I can talk about them
on here to help you guys out. Now, as always,
before we get into this, a little reminder that although
I am answering your questions somewhat, uh, this is not
therapy in itself, and this is just a human talking
about some things that you guys want to talk about.
(00:50):
So it might lead to therapy, but this right now
that you're listening to isn't that. So let's just get
into it. So again today we're only going to do
one question. Starting to do that a little bit more
just so I can talk about the questions a little
bit longer, which I like to do because you know,
sometimes I just get going and I can't stop. So
we have one question, and I'm gonna keep it anonymous
(01:12):
as usual, just to you know, protect you guys, because
sometimes we don't need people to know the things that
we're wondering in our heads. So here's the question from
our anonymous human high cat. I've been wanting to email
you for a while, but I haven't because I was
hoping what I'm struggling with would just go away on
its own. Well, not much, to my and probably your surprise,
(01:36):
Ignoring my problems hasn't made them any better. They actually
just got worse. So I started dating this guy a
couple of years ago who I thought was just the
best person ever, and that him through an app and
naturally we had no mutual friends. Well, also one of
the reasons that we had no mutual friends was because
he didn't really have a community in our city. He
was new Ish and had acquaintances, but no real actual
(02:00):
unity here. Well, I brought him into my circle and
he fit right in like a glove. To make a
long story short, we broke up about six months ago
after dating for two years. It was one of those
mutual ish breakups, but like I was heartbroken and I'm
not in a place where I can just be his
friend right now. However, his friends are now my friends.
(02:22):
My community became his community, and now I feel so
lost and I feel really alone. I don't feel like
I have the right to ask people to take sides,
but they were my friends first. But at the same time,
it's not like he did anything horrible. He just kind
of broke my heart. I don't really know what to do.
I've been distant and it's made getting over the breakup
harder because I don't have my people to lean on.
I don't go to social functions because there's always a
(02:43):
chance he will be there, and now it's been so long,
I feel like it would be even weirder for me
to say something. Do you have any suggestions? Part of
me thinks I'm just going to have to create a
whole new group of friends. I'm stuck, I'm lonely, and
I'm sad. Okay, this is really tough because there's a
lot of stuff going on here. There's a lot of
different tough things that are happening in this real life
(03:05):
scenario that I'm so grateful that you brought to me,
because I have a feeling that other people have experienced
something like this and this, like what do you do?
So one you're heartbroken and I'm so sorry. One of
the hardest and most uncomfortable things that humans go through heartbreak.
So that's one thing. So you're heartbroken, you feel stuck.
(03:28):
Sounds like you don't feel like you have permission to
ask for what you really need right now. It sounds
like you don't feel supported. And what I know about healing,
especially when it comes to a broken heart, is often
healing happens through human connection. And it also sounds like
you have a lot of empathy for others, because I
would be basically like, f that guy, he broke my heart.
(03:49):
These are my friends. I get them, which is why
I'm not here to give you advice, and I'm not
here to tell you to do what I would do
because that may not necessarily be what you need. Different
people will have different opinions on what to do here,
and I want to say that very loud and clear.
Different people are going to have different opinions. There's a
million sides you can take here, and there's a million
ways to talk about this scenario. What I want to
(04:12):
help move you into is this place in a space
where you feel secure and identifying your feelings, your needs,
and your opinions. This goes to every human listening to this.
You don't need everyone to agree with you to have
an opinion on your own life, and to have an
opinion on your own life that feels right. You don't
need people to agree with you to do that. So
I really want to in kind of what we're going
(04:34):
to talk about, empower you to own that you are
allowed to ask for things that feel important and things
that you need. And you're a lot of feel whatever
you feel. So let's talk bummer about him not having friends.
And this is something that I didn't I don't think
I mentioned this when I did the Dating App episode.
I know in Nashville, especially, a lot of people's profiles
(04:54):
say things like new to town and looking for a
tour guide, and like, to be honest, I don't feel
like we need to just like right off anyone who's
new to town. But I think it's important to maintain
boundaries and lives separate from each other outside of the
relationships we create. And that can be really hard sometimes,
especially when you're like this person fits right in, and
that's what I'm looking for. I want to share my
(05:16):
things with you because I want to be with you,
and I like you, so I want to share my
things with you. Okay, I get it. I totally get that.
We have to be very careful not to get too
caught up in what that actually means. You have your life,
he has his life, and then you have your life together.
There are different things going on in in this scenario,
three different things that I think goes for all relationships.
(05:37):
Your life, his life, your relationship. I hate the term
my other half. I'm not going to get often to
a tangent about that, but I just hate that term. No, no, no,
no no. You are not looking for your other half.
We are identifying our wholeness. Right. You are a whole
person and your partner is a whole person, and then
(05:57):
you have a relationship and that's a whole thing. So
there's that part, and I didn't address that in the
Dating app episodes, but I just think that's interesting and
something to think about and remember. Regardless. Something that a
lawyer once told me is that we can't change the past.
So there's no use in talking about what you would
have done differently. The only productive thing we can do
(06:17):
is focused on what we can do now to move forward.
So that's kind of where you are, like, what can
I do now to move forward? My heart's broken, and
I don't really know what to do about my community
because that feels weird right now. So what can we do? Well,
what's the problem. I'm asking you to identify that? Like,
what's the problem? Is it that it's my community? You
want your friends back, you want your community back, and
(06:38):
that is a community that might not include him, or
you might not want to include him. So first is
identifying the problem. I'm really curious about the breakup. It
sounds like he hurt you, but it was also mutual,
and I kind of know what you mean, and I
can assume some things around that, but I don't really
I shouldn't. I don't want to assume. But I've been there,
(06:58):
Like I've been in that place where like, oh, I mean,
he didn't do anything wrong, but he freaking broke my
heart and so mad at him? But like why am
I mad at him? Because he didn't do anything wrong?
And it sucks when you're in that place where he's
not a bad person, but being around him might bring
up some like icky feelings and being reminded of him
constantly is painful and that would make moving on really tough.
(07:19):
And so sometimes I think we create these stories that
like if we could hate our X, or if we
could demonize this person, we would feel better. And I
don't know that that is true. I think that um
just changes the story, right, and it changes the feelings
or kind of distracts the feelings. If I could be mad,
then I don't have to be sad, right, If he
(07:40):
can be a bad person, then I don't have to
make it about me not feeling like I'm enough or
something like that. It's almost like a distraction. The reality
is like somebody doesn't have to be a bad person
to hurt our feelings, you know, like somebody might not
have done anything wrong, and maybe we're still hurt by that,
and that's a reality, and we might need something in that.
(08:01):
And you need to not be around this person all
the time so you can heal and move on. And
that's so valid and makes a lot of sense. So
I would ask yourself, what would you ask for if
you could be completely selfish and get exactly what you
want like dream world? Okay, maybe that feels really unreasonable. Okay,
(08:26):
work backwards, So start from ideal and then work backwards.
Sometimes we ignore our needs because we don't think we're deserving,
or we don't think it's possible to get them met.
And that's valid because sometimes our needs can't get met
exactly the way we want. But also that doesn't mean
that we have to be black and white like. There
can be some compromise in those needs. So that's why
(08:48):
you work backwards. Okay, I can't have this perfect space,
I can't create this perfect scenario. What can I create?
Is that better than nothing? Another helpful question is what
are you afraid of? Here? Another way I might ask
that is, what's the worst that could happen if you
asked for that thing that you really really want? Like,
what's the worst that could happen? I'm making this up
because I'm having a conversation with myself, But maybe the
(09:10):
worst thing that could happen is like you don't get
what you asked for, and and maybe your friends will
desert you because how dare you ask for whatever you
ask for? Which in parentheses here I'm saying it sounds
very unlikely. I don't know that you would have friends
that would so easily drop you like that, especially because
I don't know that what you would ask for it
would be unreasonable, unreasonable? But then, what's your reality now? Right.
(09:33):
So if the worst that could happen happen, and the
worst that could happen is that, like I lose my friends. Okay,
Well you kind of mentioned that in the part of
your question where you're like, I just want to start
all over and then maybe I have to just get
a new community and new friends. Well you're already creating
that worst case scenario. So either the worst case scenario
definitely happens because you're like, I'm not going to ask
for what I need. I'm not going to do that.
(09:53):
I'm just going to get a new group of friends,
or that happens because you give yourself a shot to
ask for what you need. But in that oppera tunity,
you also give yourself an opportunity, right, You give yourself
a shot to get your needs met or to get
some of your needs met. Also, I bet your friends
in that can be more empathetic than you think. However,
they are not mind readers. So if you act like
(10:13):
everything's fine and you tell them that everything's fine, since
they can't read your mind, they don't know that things
are not fine, like that you're not okay and that
you're feeling these feelings. That's the thing we do a lot.
It's like this passive aggressive like I want people to know,
and I'm not saying that you're doing this just we do.
In general, humans do this a lot, like we want
people to know. We don't want to have to tell them,
we don't want to have to ask, we want people
(10:34):
to read our minds. But at the same time, we're
really good actors, right, And I can speak for a
large portion of the population when I say that, Like,
humans generally do not want to engage in conflict. So
if I don't have to acknowledge that what is going
on is going on, that if I don't have to
(10:55):
acknowledge that you feel some kind of way around the
fact that your ex boyfriend is still always around us,
I'm probably not going to acknowledge. I'd rather not. Right,
here's another thing, and I want you to hear this too.
Just like the majority of human beings like don't want
to engage in conflict, I also think that the majority
of human beings would be very understanding in the fact
(11:17):
that it's hard for you to be around your ex
boyfriend all the time. Like that makes a lot of sense.
That's not a crazy thing to say. And what you
aren't doing here, and what you wouldn't be doing here
by by talking to your friends is blaming other people
for your feelings or making your feelings someone else's problem.
You're expressing what it's like to be you, and you're
(11:37):
asking for support. By you doing this, you're taking responsibility here.
And taking responsibility doesn't mean that you have to sit
on an island by yourself, like, that's not what it is.
Sometimes responsibility involves asking for help, like that's a very
responsible thing to do. Asking for help is a very
responsible thing to do as a human, as an adult.
(11:59):
Sometimes responsibility means being courageous, like being courageous enough to
have the hard conversation because like I said, most people
don't want to have that if we don't have to.
No one is just like I want conflict in my life, well,
no one who's in a healthy spot. So if we
can avoid it, we're going to. But avoiding conflict and
(12:19):
avoiding these feelings doesn't make them not real. And you
are the one here that is sitting in the reality
of what it means in your friendships, not anybody else.
And I just like hate that for you because you're
already struggling you're already struggling in heartbreak and in this
weirdness of your friends, like you deserve some help avoiding
your feelings the same thing with avoiding conflict. It does
(12:40):
not make them go away. It just pushes them and
moves them and and creates resentment and put some of
places they don't belong, and it just keeps you farther
away from getting what you actually need and what you
actually deserve. So I'm going to end this in something
that I say often, But you know you know what
you need better than than you think, like I think
(13:01):
you know what you want to do. Here, it's giving
yourself the permission to really feel like that's okay for
you to ask for, Or it's giving yourself permission to
have the conversation that's hard. It's it's giving yourself permission
to do something scary. Because you sound like a rational
person like I, I empathize with this a lot, and
it would be a really hard place to be. So
(13:23):
I want to encourage you to offer yourself from permission
that you've been waiting on other people to give you
because you don't you don't need that. You need to
listen to what your your body is telling you because
a lot of times our bodies are really smart. Not
a lot of times, all the time, most of the time,
and uh yeah, you deserve to get your needs met,
just like anybody else in this world. So I hope
(13:45):
that was helpful and got you thinking. If anything, I
hope it just makes you feel less alone, because I
know there are people that are are listening to this
that are like, oh my gosh, me too. And so
maybe you didn't write this question, but you're like, oh
my gosh, I'm in this. Um, you're not the only one.
And if you're feeling like it's tough and you're feeling
like it's hard, it's probably because it is. It's not
because there's something wrong with you. So give yourself some
(14:08):
permission to do some stuff. In a I don't know
where I saw it, but maybe I read it, or
maybe it was in a Oh I read it in
a Burnet Brown book, she talked about writing permission slips,
and so there was a practice where she would take
post it notes since she would like write permission slips
almost like you would get in like school of like
you have permission to leave school early. It's like, okay,
(14:29):
you have permission to feel sad for twenty minutes or
whatever it is. She would write permission slips for herself
and then she would engage in those things as a
practice and then they would feel more natural after a while.
So maybe today you just need to write down, um,
some permissions that you want to practice before you get
to doing this scary hard thing and asking for some
support and some help and some boundaries with your friends.
(14:49):
So my heart goes out to you, and I hope
this is helpful. And anybody who has a question that
you want me to talk about again, you can send
it to Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.
You can follow the podcast at you Need Therapy Podcast
on Instagram. You can follow me at Cat dot de
fata on Instagram. And we would love it if you
(15:10):
would rate and review this podcast. If you scroll to
the bottom, give us a little five stars please, and
if you want to leave a comment, leave a comment.
I would love that. I love reading feedback from you guys,
So have the day you need to have. If you
haven't heard yet another little trying to wrap this up,
but also I want to tell you, guys this you
haven't heard. I am starting to do Amy Brown's Four
(15:31):
Things with Amy Brown. She has her podcast as well.
I'm starting to do her Tuesday episode with her. So
every Tuesday we have little conversations around a lot of
times emails that people send into her, and it's really
fun because you get to hear us have a conversation
with each other around sometimes things similar to that I'm
talking about here. So if you are not a listener
of Four Things with Amy Brown, please do that and
(15:52):
subscribe to it. And if you want to hear more
conversations like this but me talking to other people and
not just myself, um and listen to her Tuesday episodes.
We have not named it yet right now, we're just
going with Amy and cat chats. But we'll see, we'll
see what happens. If you have an idea, send it
into me. But I hope you guys have the day
you need to have, and thank you for being here
today and I will talk to you guys on Monday.
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