October 13, 2021 • 20 mins
Couch Talks is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy that comes out every Wednesday where Kat (@kat.defatta) answers questions that listeners send to kathryn@youneedtherapy.com. This week, Kat talks about how to create social media boundaries. This question came to Kay’s inbox after a listener heard Kat on Lisa Hayim’s (@lisahayim) podcast, The Truthiest Life. In this episode, Kat talked about how she shifted her view of herself after shifting how she allowed the opinion’s of others to affect her (you should listen to the whole episode linked HERE).
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch Talks.
Couch Talks is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy,
where I cat answer questions that you guys send in
to me directly and you can send those to Catherine
k A t h R y n at You Need
Therapy podcast dot com and quick reminder that yes, I'm
answering your questions. No, this is not therapy, but it
(00:32):
might help get you into it. So let's jump in.
Usually I were in the past, I've been doing two
questions a week, and lately I have been doing one
because it allows me to go a little deeper into
some stuff. So I will step top. Today we're going
to talk about one question that kind of encompasses more
than just one thing. So first I want to talk
(00:53):
about last Friday. I guess it's Wednesday, So half a
week ago, Lisa Ham released an episode on her podcast,
The Truthius Life. So if you don't know Lisa, she's
part of the Amy Brown podcast network. She's amazing. She's
a registered dietitian and she has this podcast called The
Truthius Life. And she released an episode on Friday where
I was a guest and I had actually recorded this
(01:15):
episode a while ago before she went on maternity leave,
and I kind of forgot a lot of the stuff
that we talked about, and I do remember, however, I
do remember being very nervous about the interview because I
usually am in charge of the interviews, Like I've been
on plenty of podcasts and I have a podcast, but
I'm usually in charge of the interview where it's not
(01:37):
about me, It's about something I know about, it's not
like about my life. And so I even said on
the podcast that this was one of the most anxiety
provoking episode that I had ever done, because it felt
very much about me and less about what I know
or what expertise I have or somebody else's life. So
when it was released, I also didn't know it was
(01:58):
going to come out Friday, so I woke up and
I was like, oh, because I subscribe. When I saw
it was like at cat Defata and I was like, oh, WHOA.
And I was visiting this past week my best friend
who lives in Boston, and I was like, oh, dagn
I'm not going to be able to figure out what
I even said in this episode. Like I did get
some extra anxiety about it and Luckily she had to
do some work, so I went on a little walk
(02:20):
run and listened to it and was surprised that I
couldn't say anything that I um want to take back now.
At the same time, did I think it was perfect. No,
but I don't think any podcasts are perfect, and I
think it was honest and what needed to be said
and put out into the world was said and put
out into the world. So I'm gonna let you guys
(02:41):
listen to it. I'm not going to talk about what
we talked about a lot today, but it basically talks
about my development from someone who was very much living
in a place of I'm not good or I'm not
good enough and I'm not wanted to a place where
I really wanted to be a part of my own life.
And we spent some time in that com versation talking
about social media, and it kind of lines up with
(03:05):
the episode that I did a couple of weeks ago,
which is so funny because they were so far apart
when we recorded them. But it lines up with this
episode that I did with Nabijasad from the Markup a
couple of weeks ago, and in that episode, we talked
about boundaries with social media and how to take back
agency and power. And that's why I'm even doing this
experiment that I'm doing right now where I unfollowed everybody
(03:26):
on Instagram. So if you haven't heard, I'm I've unfollowed
literally everybody that I follow on Instagram and I follow
zero people, nobody, And I'm doing an experiment of what
that brings up and how that affects how I feel
about myself, my life, how much I'm on the app,
and what I actually post myself. So the reason I'm
even talking about all this is because I got an
email that I want to read and then I want
(03:48):
to talk about and answer some of her questions, and
it's talking about social media, and her questions came up
after listening to the episode I did with Lisa on
The Truthius Life. So I'm gonna read the email and
then we'll chat. So here does wow wow wow? You
and Lisa spoke some truth on your episode together on
Truthious Life. A few things really stuck out to me
(04:08):
and I would love your thoughts on this. What are
some ways we can protect ourselves on social media from
having other people's opinions affect us? Is there a way
to turn off likes? Any other tips? I feel like
everything I share a post instantly makes me feel like
I'm monitoring how many likes I'm getting in what comments
are being said. And another thing I would love to
hear any tips you have on healthy social media habits
(04:31):
in general. How much is too much? When do we
know if it's become an issue? What is research showing
us as to how social media affects us mentally and emotionally?
I watched the social dilemma, but would love a therapist
perspective once again. Awesome job to you both, so thank
you for the kind words. And there's so much to
talk about here, which is why we're just going to
(04:51):
do one question today and I won't even get through
it all. And I will also say I'm going to
do a whole episode at the end of my little
experiment where I'll go much deeper into the stuff. And honestly,
I feel like a part of me is like You've
talked about this so much lately. However, part of making
positive changes comes from continuing conversations and not letting them
just be a one and done thing and then we
(05:11):
never do anything about it. So I think that the
social media issues we need to continue to talk about. Yes, yes, yes,
we've heard that it affects us and we're addicted and
it makes us compare ourselves. But we need to keep
talking about that because it's still happening. That nothing has changed.
We just are more aware of it. So we have
to continue to be aware else we're not going to
(05:32):
change anything. So let's start with the basics here. So
she asked, what are some ways we can protect ourselves
on social media from having other people's opinions affect us?
Is there a way to turn off likes? Any other tips?
So basic? When it comes to likes, you actually can
turn them off so it doesn't show the number of
likes you have on posts, which I think is really cool.
(05:53):
I think this is genius. However, I do want to
say that when people can't see your likes, I think
there's going to be something that happens because of that,
and you have to have an internal boundary not to
check and pay attention, because I think people can still
like your post, it's just not posting how many people
are liking it. And this is an assumption, but I
just would wonder that if people can't see how many
(06:15):
likes that's not being shown, they might be less attuned
to like actually like it, so then you might get
less like. So you have to have an internal boundary
that you're not going to check them even though other
people can't see them, if that makes sense. And I
haven't done my research on this fully, so you might
not be able to see them if people like them,
but I know you can see that somebody liked it still,
(06:37):
so that's going to come with an internal boundary that
you're gonna have to turn on. You can also block
certain words and hashtags from showing up on your feet,
So if you don't want to see a certain word,
you can block it and it won't show up anywhere.
So if somebody even comments that, their comment won't show
up to you, which I think is very very cool.
We also know that we can block people, and we
can block accounts, we can mute accounts. I think those
(06:58):
are all really great ways to help us create some
like boundary setting that isn't all about like willpower and us.
We can help ourselves out. I will say with that
having other people's opinions and thoughts about us not affect
us is an even bigger issue though, because I think
if we really get down to it, there's not anybody
(07:18):
who who is a healthy, connected human that doesn't care
at all, so zero percent about what people think of them.
There's just levels of that. We can care about what
people think about us and also care about our opinions
and value our opinions and our thoughts more So. I
think that's something that might be tackled on your own
through therapy or maybe some journaling or your own experiments.
(07:41):
But these things like turning off the stuff and taking
off likes might help just disconnect you from the constant
need to know what people are saying about your stuff.
I also think there's something to be said about being
very intentional about what you post. So, am I posting
this picture just because I love this picture? Am I
posting this thing because I love this thing? Or is
(08:03):
my honest intention to get attention? Am I looking for attention?
Is that's why I'm posting this thing? Okay, Well, then
you're probably going to check the like, you can check
the comments, and you're going to be really excited if
it gets big and really bummed out if it doesn't.
So if I'm posting something simply because of that, there
needs to be some like work behind the scenes with
(08:26):
us around being more careful and intentional about what we're
putting out into the world. Now there's a lot of
new research on how social media is affecting us in
so many ways, including our self esteem, which in a
large part affects our ability to show up in the
(08:46):
world with a sound and healthy mind and a sound
and healthy sense of self. And I thought it was wild,
like so wild that the day we posted our podcast
on Reclaiming Power over the Internet, that was a day,
the one I did with Niby has I d that
was the day that Facebook and Instagram shut down, which
I'm like, what are the odds Now? I don't think
(09:07):
I broke the Internet, but it was just a coincidence
that we were kind of talking about that and then
that day it was gone. Now, what we have to
remember is that these are tools that were created to
offer us something, not take things away. Instagram wasn't created
to lower our self esteem. They were supposed to help us,
(09:27):
not hurt us. And there are so many positive things
about social media. I love social media. There's so much
good that comes from it and that can come from it.
But we have to be very clear on what those
things are for us. So maybe take a second and
ask yourself, like what does social media do for me?
And how do I want to use it? What does
it offer me that I really value? Like what is that?
(09:50):
And then we have to create ways to continue to
use it in that way. We have to remind ourselves
that we actually have the power to make that happen.
We have to do that, like I think that so
many people are like, oh, it just is it. It
sucks the time out of me, or it makes me
think this, or it makes me do this, And we
have to remind ourselves that we have the power to
(10:13):
get what we are looking for out of these apps.
We just have to be very careful and intentional about
how we use them, and know that they are very
careful and intentional about how they posture themselves, so we
use them certain ways. I was talking to somebody recently
about I don't really use Twitter. I just use it
(10:35):
for the weather because there's a really good weather account
in Nashville, So I don't know like a lot about it.
But she was telling me about how there's this like
I guess part of it where it has like all
the trending stuff and you can just click on these
things really quickly. And I was like, Okay, I get
where you might think that they created this part of
the platform to like help you get information faster, but
(10:57):
they actually created this page so you day on Twitter longer.
And like for Instagram, the discover page, they didn't create
that page, so like you can find what you need
quicker and easier. They created that so you stay on
the app longer. And we have to remember that and
remember that, like, we can be more powerful than these apps.
(11:18):
And I say this, and I think this is important
because social media doesn't have to black and white. It
doesn't have to be all or nothing. I can use it,
I I can't use it. Life generally doesn't work that way.
And when we try to operate with that mindset, we
miss out and we don't learn about literally our power
and our agency in the world. Now, something that I
thought was also wild when I went in and followed everyone,
(11:39):
was how many people and things and accounts I followed
that I simply just did not care about, and how
much extra information I was feeding myself that I did
not need and that I did not want. We don't
have to follow everybody that we know or meet, and
I say that it sounds simple, but like you meet
somebody at a party, they follow you, you don't have
(12:01):
to follow them back if you don't care about what
they're doing, like, you don't have to. And you're allowed
to not care about other people's lives like you are.
I'm giving you that permission. You don't need it from me,
but you just might need to hear it. You're allowed
to not care about what this random person that you
went to high school with is eating for breakfast, or
when so and so is walking their dog, and what
(12:22):
shooes this person found at Target, Like you're allowed to
not care about that stuff. And I think social media
has created this community esque idea that I'm connecting to
people and I should care, but like, if you're honest,
like I don't really care what's so and so had
for breakfast? Why am I looking at this picture? It's
(12:42):
just like so crazy that that is such a simple thought,
But I feel like I even have to say it
to myself too. Now. I think that Instagram was really
onto something when they created the close Friends feature. And
this is something that I use a lot, and I'm
really happy to exist, and I think that it fights against.
One of the biggest issues with these platforms, and this
(13:03):
is the desire and the need for more, more content,
more followers, more responses, more likes. All of that. Well,
when you create a close friend group set of posting
to your story to all your followers, you're posting to
a group of followers that you can choose, and it
could be like five people, it could be a hundred people.
It's a lot of close friends, but it's smaller than
the pool that you would post to your actual story. Now,
(13:25):
let's say we use Instagram to keep in touch with
family and friends, which is a great way to do that.
Let's create a close friend group and then post things
to that. Then you are mitigating the wonder of why
certain people didn't watch your story, or why nobody replied
to this, or why you didn't get as many hearts
on this, because you're just sending it to these people
who actually really do care about your life and actually
(13:47):
have earned the right to know what you're eating for
breakfast if that's what you choose to post. The thing
that we have to come back to is that we
can enjoy things without people who are not involved being involved.
You can have fun at a party without people knowing
that you're there. It's a wild concept these days, but
it is a thing. And you can enjoy a vacation
(14:10):
without posting the pictures of it to social media or
to anything like. You can enjoy a vacation and have
these pictures and love these pictures, have had a great
time without other people knowing. Somebody liking a picture of
your vacation doesn't mean you had more fun. And what
we've done is we've created a lot of patterns, a
lot of patterns that create this need to feed the pattern,
(14:33):
and then that's why we need this validation. It's like
the food for the pattern we've created, almost like an
animal like thing inside of us that needs more and
more and more and more and more to stay satisfied.
But we didn't always have this, and we forget that too.
I was talking to my friend that I visited this
week in Boston, and I was like, remember when we
just like went home after school and we didn't know
(14:53):
what our friends did that night, or we didn't know
what they did over the weekend until the next day
when we saw them, or till Monday when we saw them,
Like we didn't need to know that they were doing.
While they were doing it, we got to have conversations
about it later. But now we need need need, need, need,
because we have that ability and we've had that ability.
And the good news is we can wean ourselves off
(15:14):
of this. This has been trained, and we can untrain
our brain when we are posting things and then monitoring
to see who sees it, how many people like it,
and who's comedy. This is a natural response to how
Instagram has trained us up to be talking specifically about Instagram. However,
I have to sit and ask myself the question why
does any of this matter? Like we're feeding this animal
(15:39):
that needs all this validation and attention. But then I
have to ask myself, why does this attention matter? Do
I even know? Like I really want you guys to
even ask yourself that question. It may really matter, and
it may be very important to you because let's say
you built a business off of Instagram, so it's a
matter of your actual career and livelihood. Okay, I get that.
(16:01):
And then we get to look at Instagram as a
business and rather than like a legit picture of our full,
authentic lives, that wouldn't be that. And so there's some
separation there. But if your Instagram is not your business,
maybe you can't come up with an answer. Maybe you're like,
I don't know why it matters? Why does it? And
you have to keep asking yourself that over and over.
(16:21):
Wonder sit there and wonder do I think that if
more people like it, it means more people care about me?
Does that feel true? And I would just invite us
to be a little bit curious right here, Just be
very curious instead of just like thinking it matters because
it matters, Be curious, why does this matter? Just because
I think it? Just because I think this matters doesn't
mean it actually is. A thought doesn't mean an actual fact.
(16:44):
So why is this important? Maybe ask yourself what does
social media give me? And then we maybe ask ourselves
what does it take away? What does it give me
that I don't want? And I think the reason I'm
even having this lung of a conversation right now about
this is because when it comes to boundaries round like
this person asked, like, what are some boundaries I can create?
So Instagram and social media isn't affecting me as much?
(17:07):
And it's really hard to just be like, you need
to create boundaries of social media, you need only have
a timer on your phone that shows up when you've
reached your limit, or put your phone down for two
hours after work or all of that. Like, it's really
hard to just give yourself boundaries and limits and then
you be the sole responsible person to uphold them. I
think that's really talking more about discipline and will power,
(17:30):
and that's just really tough to snap your fingers into. UM.
I talked about this with like, when I'm doing work
with clients around eating disorders of recovery, isn't a matter
of like willpower and discipline. It's not like just do it.
It's how do I set myself up so it's the
easiest for me to do those things. So the question
that I want you guys to ask yourselves when it
(17:52):
comes to like what are the boundaries or what do
I need? It's what do I want to do? First?
What is my goal? I don't want to be on
here as much, or I don't want this to affect
me as much, or I don't want to post as much,
or I don't want to check my likes as much. Okay,
what do you want to do? And then what do
I need to do or what do I need in
order to the make that the easiest to uphold, because
(18:14):
if it was really not easy, you just want to
do it. So this could be a million things. It
could be stuff like not having the app on your phone,
or blocking certain hashtags, or telling somebody that you're doing
this so then you can have an accountability partner. But
I just wanted to say that lastly, that there's not
like a trick for me to give you guys, so
you can just like snap your fingers and not use
this the same way. This has more to do with
(18:36):
asking yourself and being really curious about what do I
not like about what I'm getting from this, what do
I want to shift and change, and what are some
ways to make that shift and change easier for me.
Doesn't mean I'm going to do it perfectly, but it
is going to help me do it. And I just
want to say in the closing of all of this
that this is one of those things I feel like
(18:56):
I say this all the time, but it's easier said
than done, and I'm in it with you, and that's
why I'm doing this experiment where I'm like, oh, what
happens and what shifts in my life when I just
stop looking at other people's lives all the time. How
does that change the way I look at mine and
feel in mine? How does that change the way that
I just show up in general presently with the people
around me. And so maybe you do an experiment and
(19:18):
that helps you figure that as well, so you can
figure out what you do need, because what I might
need might be different than what you need. So thank
you so much for that question, and thanks for being
curious about um wanting to make positive shifts in your life.
And again, if you haven't listened to the episode with
Lisa on The Truthius Life, go do that her. She's
awesome and she has a very calm, easy way of
(19:41):
conversating with people that just kind of lets you say
things that otherwise you might not say. I was talking
about that on Instagram the other day, speaking of Instagram,
and I really like that about her. So the conversation
was really easy and calm and it's safe for me
to have. So again, thank you Lisa for that. Go
follow and subscribe to The Truthist Life, and thanks for
being here half the day you need to have And
(20:02):
I will see you guys on Monday.
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch Talks.
Couch Talks is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy,
where I cat answer questions that you guys send in
to me directly and you can send those to Catherine
k A t h R y n at You Need
Therapy podcast dot com and quick reminder that yes, I'm
answering your questions. No, this is not therapy, but it
(00:32):
might help get you into it. So let's jump in.
Usually I were in the past, I've been doing two
questions a week, and lately I have been doing one
because it allows me to go a little deeper into
some stuff. So I will step top. Today we're going
to talk about one question that kind of encompasses more
than just one thing. So first I want to talk
(00:53):
about last Friday. I guess it's Wednesday, So half a
week ago, Lisa Ham released an episode on her podcast,
The Truthius Life. So if you don't know Lisa, she's
part of the Amy Brown podcast network. She's amazing. She's
a registered dietitian and she has this podcast called The
Truthius Life. And she released an episode on Friday where
I was a guest and I had actually recorded this
(01:15):
episode a while ago before she went on maternity leave,
and I kind of forgot a lot of the stuff
that we talked about, and I do remember, however, I
do remember being very nervous about the interview because I
usually am in charge of the interviews, Like I've been
on plenty of podcasts and I have a podcast, but
I'm usually in charge of the interview where it's not
(01:37):
about me, It's about something I know about, it's not
like about my life. And so I even said on
the podcast that this was one of the most anxiety
provoking episode that I had ever done, because it felt
very much about me and less about what I know
or what expertise I have or somebody else's life. So
when it was released, I also didn't know it was
(01:58):
going to come out Friday, so I woke up and
I was like, oh, because I subscribe. When I saw
it was like at cat Defata and I was like, oh, WHOA.
And I was visiting this past week my best friend
who lives in Boston, and I was like, oh, dagn
I'm not going to be able to figure out what
I even said in this episode. Like I did get
some extra anxiety about it and Luckily she had to
do some work, so I went on a little walk
(02:20):
run and listened to it and was surprised that I
couldn't say anything that I um want to take back now.
At the same time, did I think it was perfect. No,
but I don't think any podcasts are perfect, and I
think it was honest and what needed to be said
and put out into the world was said and put
out into the world. So I'm gonna let you guys
(02:41):
listen to it. I'm not going to talk about what
we talked about a lot today, but it basically talks
about my development from someone who was very much living
in a place of I'm not good or I'm not
good enough and I'm not wanted to a place where
I really wanted to be a part of my own life.
And we spent some time in that com versation talking
about social media, and it kind of lines up with
(03:05):
the episode that I did a couple of weeks ago,
which is so funny because they were so far apart
when we recorded them. But it lines up with this
episode that I did with Nabijasad from the Markup a
couple of weeks ago, and in that episode, we talked
about boundaries with social media and how to take back
agency and power. And that's why I'm even doing this
experiment that I'm doing right now where I unfollowed everybody
(03:26):
on Instagram. So if you haven't heard, I'm I've unfollowed
literally everybody that I follow on Instagram and I follow
zero people, nobody, And I'm doing an experiment of what
that brings up and how that affects how I feel
about myself, my life, how much I'm on the app,
and what I actually post myself. So the reason I'm
even talking about all this is because I got an
email that I want to read and then I want
(03:48):
to talk about and answer some of her questions, and
it's talking about social media, and her questions came up
after listening to the episode I did with Lisa on
The Truthius Life. So I'm gonna read the email and
then we'll chat. So here does wow wow wow? You
and Lisa spoke some truth on your episode together on
Truthious Life. A few things really stuck out to me
(04:08):
and I would love your thoughts on this. What are
some ways we can protect ourselves on social media from
having other people's opinions affect us? Is there a way
to turn off likes? Any other tips? I feel like
everything I share a post instantly makes me feel like
I'm monitoring how many likes I'm getting in what comments
are being said. And another thing I would love to
hear any tips you have on healthy social media habits
(04:31):
in general. How much is too much? When do we
know if it's become an issue? What is research showing
us as to how social media affects us mentally and emotionally?
I watched the social dilemma, but would love a therapist
perspective once again. Awesome job to you both, so thank
you for the kind words. And there's so much to
talk about here, which is why we're just going to
(04:51):
do one question today and I won't even get through
it all. And I will also say I'm going to
do a whole episode at the end of my little
experiment where I'll go much deeper into the stuff. And honestly,
I feel like a part of me is like You've
talked about this so much lately. However, part of making
positive changes comes from continuing conversations and not letting them
just be a one and done thing and then we
(05:11):
never do anything about it. So I think that the
social media issues we need to continue to talk about. Yes, yes, yes,
we've heard that it affects us and we're addicted and
it makes us compare ourselves. But we need to keep
talking about that because it's still happening. That nothing has changed.
We just are more aware of it. So we have
to continue to be aware else we're not going to
(05:32):
change anything. So let's start with the basics here. So
she asked, what are some ways we can protect ourselves
on social media from having other people's opinions affect us?
Is there a way to turn off likes? Any other tips?
So basic? When it comes to likes, you actually can
turn them off so it doesn't show the number of
likes you have on posts, which I think is really cool.
(05:53):
I think this is genius. However, I do want to
say that when people can't see your likes, I think
there's going to be something that happens because of that,
and you have to have an internal boundary not to
check and pay attention, because I think people can still
like your post, it's just not posting how many people
are liking it. And this is an assumption, but I
just would wonder that if people can't see how many
(06:15):
likes that's not being shown, they might be less attuned
to like actually like it, so then you might get
less like. So you have to have an internal boundary
that you're not going to check them even though other
people can't see them, if that makes sense. And I
haven't done my research on this fully, so you might
not be able to see them if people like them,
but I know you can see that somebody liked it still,
(06:37):
so that's going to come with an internal boundary that
you're gonna have to turn on. You can also block
certain words and hashtags from showing up on your feet,
So if you don't want to see a certain word,
you can block it and it won't show up anywhere.
So if somebody even comments that, their comment won't show
up to you, which I think is very very cool.
We also know that we can block people, and we
can block accounts, we can mute accounts. I think those
(06:58):
are all really great ways to help us create some
like boundary setting that isn't all about like willpower and us.
We can help ourselves out. I will say with that
having other people's opinions and thoughts about us not affect
us is an even bigger issue though, because I think
if we really get down to it, there's not anybody
(07:18):
who who is a healthy, connected human that doesn't care
at all, so zero percent about what people think of them.
There's just levels of that. We can care about what
people think about us and also care about our opinions
and value our opinions and our thoughts more So. I
think that's something that might be tackled on your own
through therapy or maybe some journaling or your own experiments.
(07:41):
But these things like turning off the stuff and taking
off likes might help just disconnect you from the constant
need to know what people are saying about your stuff.
I also think there's something to be said about being
very intentional about what you post. So, am I posting
this picture just because I love this picture? Am I
posting this thing because I love this thing? Or is
(08:03):
my honest intention to get attention? Am I looking for attention?
Is that's why I'm posting this thing? Okay, Well, then
you're probably going to check the like, you can check
the comments, and you're going to be really excited if
it gets big and really bummed out if it doesn't.
So if I'm posting something simply because of that, there
needs to be some like work behind the scenes with
(08:26):
us around being more careful and intentional about what we're
putting out into the world. Now there's a lot of
new research on how social media is affecting us in
so many ways, including our self esteem, which in a
large part affects our ability to show up in the
(08:46):
world with a sound and healthy mind and a sound
and healthy sense of self. And I thought it was wild,
like so wild that the day we posted our podcast
on Reclaiming Power over the Internet, that was a day,
the one I did with Niby has I d that
was the day that Facebook and Instagram shut down, which
I'm like, what are the odds Now? I don't think
(09:07):
I broke the Internet, but it was just a coincidence
that we were kind of talking about that and then
that day it was gone. Now, what we have to
remember is that these are tools that were created to
offer us something, not take things away. Instagram wasn't created
to lower our self esteem. They were supposed to help us,
(09:27):
not hurt us. And there are so many positive things
about social media. I love social media. There's so much
good that comes from it and that can come from it.
But we have to be very clear on what those
things are for us. So maybe take a second and
ask yourself, like what does social media do for me?
And how do I want to use it? What does
it offer me that I really value? Like what is that?
(09:50):
And then we have to create ways to continue to
use it in that way. We have to remind ourselves
that we actually have the power to make that happen.
We have to do that, like I think that so
many people are like, oh, it just is it. It
sucks the time out of me, or it makes me
think this, or it makes me do this, And we
have to remind ourselves that we have the power to
(10:13):
get what we are looking for out of these apps.
We just have to be very careful and intentional about
how we use them, and know that they are very
careful and intentional about how they posture themselves, so we
use them certain ways. I was talking to somebody recently
about I don't really use Twitter. I just use it
(10:35):
for the weather because there's a really good weather account
in Nashville, So I don't know like a lot about it.
But she was telling me about how there's this like
I guess part of it where it has like all
the trending stuff and you can just click on these
things really quickly. And I was like, Okay, I get
where you might think that they created this part of
the platform to like help you get information faster, but
(10:57):
they actually created this page so you day on Twitter longer.
And like for Instagram, the discover page, they didn't create
that page, so like you can find what you need
quicker and easier. They created that so you stay on
the app longer. And we have to remember that and
remember that, like, we can be more powerful than these apps.
(11:18):
And I say this, and I think this is important
because social media doesn't have to black and white. It
doesn't have to be all or nothing. I can use it,
I I can't use it. Life generally doesn't work that way.
And when we try to operate with that mindset, we
miss out and we don't learn about literally our power
and our agency in the world. Now, something that I
thought was also wild when I went in and followed everyone,
(11:39):
was how many people and things and accounts I followed
that I simply just did not care about, and how
much extra information I was feeding myself that I did
not need and that I did not want. We don't
have to follow everybody that we know or meet, and
I say that it sounds simple, but like you meet
somebody at a party, they follow you, you don't have
(12:01):
to follow them back if you don't care about what
they're doing, like, you don't have to. And you're allowed
to not care about other people's lives like you are.
I'm giving you that permission. You don't need it from me,
but you just might need to hear it. You're allowed
to not care about what this random person that you
went to high school with is eating for breakfast, or
when so and so is walking their dog, and what
(12:22):
shooes this person found at Target, Like you're allowed to
not care about that stuff. And I think social media
has created this community esque idea that I'm connecting to
people and I should care, but like, if you're honest,
like I don't really care what's so and so had
for breakfast? Why am I looking at this picture? It's
(12:42):
just like so crazy that that is such a simple thought,
But I feel like I even have to say it
to myself too. Now. I think that Instagram was really
onto something when they created the close Friends feature. And
this is something that I use a lot, and I'm
really happy to exist, and I think that it fights against.
One of the biggest issues with these platforms, and this
(13:03):
is the desire and the need for more, more content,
more followers, more responses, more likes. All of that. Well,
when you create a close friend group set of posting
to your story to all your followers, you're posting to
a group of followers that you can choose, and it
could be like five people, it could be a hundred people.
It's a lot of close friends, but it's smaller than
the pool that you would post to your actual story. Now,
(13:25):
let's say we use Instagram to keep in touch with
family and friends, which is a great way to do that.
Let's create a close friend group and then post things
to that. Then you are mitigating the wonder of why
certain people didn't watch your story, or why nobody replied
to this, or why you didn't get as many hearts
on this, because you're just sending it to these people
who actually really do care about your life and actually
(13:47):
have earned the right to know what you're eating for
breakfast if that's what you choose to post. The thing
that we have to come back to is that we
can enjoy things without people who are not involved being involved.
You can have fun at a party without people knowing
that you're there. It's a wild concept these days, but
it is a thing. And you can enjoy a vacation
(14:10):
without posting the pictures of it to social media or
to anything like. You can enjoy a vacation and have
these pictures and love these pictures, have had a great
time without other people knowing. Somebody liking a picture of
your vacation doesn't mean you had more fun. And what
we've done is we've created a lot of patterns, a
lot of patterns that create this need to feed the pattern,
(14:33):
and then that's why we need this validation. It's like
the food for the pattern we've created, almost like an
animal like thing inside of us that needs more and
more and more and more and more to stay satisfied.
But we didn't always have this, and we forget that too.
I was talking to my friend that I visited this
week in Boston, and I was like, remember when we
just like went home after school and we didn't know
(14:53):
what our friends did that night, or we didn't know
what they did over the weekend until the next day
when we saw them, or till Monday when we saw them,
Like we didn't need to know that they were doing.
While they were doing it, we got to have conversations
about it later. But now we need need need, need, need,
because we have that ability and we've had that ability.
And the good news is we can wean ourselves off
(15:14):
of this. This has been trained, and we can untrain
our brain when we are posting things and then monitoring
to see who sees it, how many people like it,
and who's comedy. This is a natural response to how
Instagram has trained us up to be talking specifically about Instagram. However,
I have to sit and ask myself the question why
does any of this matter? Like we're feeding this animal
(15:39):
that needs all this validation and attention. But then I
have to ask myself, why does this attention matter? Do
I even know? Like I really want you guys to
even ask yourself that question. It may really matter, and
it may be very important to you because let's say
you built a business off of Instagram, so it's a
matter of your actual career and livelihood. Okay, I get that.
(16:01):
And then we get to look at Instagram as a
business and rather than like a legit picture of our full,
authentic lives, that wouldn't be that. And so there's some
separation there. But if your Instagram is not your business,
maybe you can't come up with an answer. Maybe you're like,
I don't know why it matters? Why does it? And
you have to keep asking yourself that over and over.
(16:21):
Wonder sit there and wonder do I think that if
more people like it, it means more people care about me?
Does that feel true? And I would just invite us
to be a little bit curious right here, Just be
very curious instead of just like thinking it matters because
it matters, Be curious, why does this matter? Just because
I think it? Just because I think this matters doesn't
mean it actually is. A thought doesn't mean an actual fact.
(16:44):
So why is this important? Maybe ask yourself what does
social media give me? And then we maybe ask ourselves
what does it take away? What does it give me
that I don't want? And I think the reason I'm
even having this lung of a conversation right now about
this is because when it comes to boundaries round like
this person asked, like, what are some boundaries I can create?
So Instagram and social media isn't affecting me as much?
(17:07):
And it's really hard to just be like, you need
to create boundaries of social media, you need only have
a timer on your phone that shows up when you've
reached your limit, or put your phone down for two
hours after work or all of that. Like, it's really
hard to just give yourself boundaries and limits and then
you be the sole responsible person to uphold them. I
think that's really talking more about discipline and will power,
(17:30):
and that's just really tough to snap your fingers into. UM.
I talked about this with like, when I'm doing work
with clients around eating disorders of recovery, isn't a matter
of like willpower and discipline. It's not like just do it.
It's how do I set myself up so it's the
easiest for me to do those things. So the question
that I want you guys to ask yourselves when it
(17:52):
comes to like what are the boundaries or what do
I need? It's what do I want to do? First?
What is my goal? I don't want to be on
here as much, or I don't want this to affect
me as much, or I don't want to post as much,
or I don't want to check my likes as much. Okay,
what do you want to do? And then what do
I need to do or what do I need in
order to the make that the easiest to uphold, because
(18:14):
if it was really not easy, you just want to
do it. So this could be a million things. It
could be stuff like not having the app on your phone,
or blocking certain hashtags, or telling somebody that you're doing
this so then you can have an accountability partner. But
I just wanted to say that lastly, that there's not
like a trick for me to give you guys, so
you can just like snap your fingers and not use
this the same way. This has more to do with
(18:36):
asking yourself and being really curious about what do I
not like about what I'm getting from this, what do
I want to shift and change, and what are some
ways to make that shift and change easier for me.
Doesn't mean I'm going to do it perfectly, but it
is going to help me do it. And I just
want to say in the closing of all of this
that this is one of those things I feel like
(18:56):
I say this all the time, but it's easier said
than done, and I'm in it with you, and that's
why I'm doing this experiment where I'm like, oh, what
happens and what shifts in my life when I just
stop looking at other people's lives all the time. How
does that change the way I look at mine and
feel in mine? How does that change the way that
I just show up in general presently with the people
around me. And so maybe you do an experiment and
(19:18):
that helps you figure that as well, so you can
figure out what you do need, because what I might
need might be different than what you need. So thank
you so much for that question, and thanks for being
curious about um wanting to make positive shifts in your life.
And again, if you haven't listened to the episode with
Lisa on The Truthius Life, go do that her. She's
awesome and she has a very calm, easy way of
(19:41):
conversating with people that just kind of lets you say
things that otherwise you might not say. I was talking
about that on Instagram the other day, speaking of Instagram,
and I really like that about her. So the conversation
was really easy and calm and it's safe for me
to have. So again, thank you Lisa for that. Go
follow and subscribe to The Truthist Life, and thanks for
being here half the day you need to have And
(20:02):
I will see you guys on Monday.
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