October 11, 2021 • 39 mins
This week Kat (@kat.defatta) is going solo again to talk about why breakups suck so bad. Kat breaks down what we go through behind the scenes of heartbreak. The obvious grief of losing the normalcy of a relationships makes sense. . . But what else do we lose and have to reorganize when we are learning how to “move on”? Kat can’t tell you exactly how to heal or give you steps follow in order to get over your ex, however she does offer some insight that may help you choose the tools and behaviors that will allow you to find the sense of peace that you are looking for.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of You
Need Therapy. My name is Cat and I'm the host.
Happy Monday, Well, happy Monday, if it is Monday, if
it's not Monday, happy whatever day it is that you
are listening to this. Before we get started today, really
quick one to remind you, guys that although I'm a therapist,
this podcast is not therapy and does not substitute as therapy. However,
(00:34):
it might lead you to therapy, which I'm all for
because you know, I'm a therapist and I think we
should all give therapy a shot if we have the means,
if we have the ability to do that. So now
that we have that out of the way, we get
to jump right into today's episode, which is another episode
of of me talking to y'all alone. We're just going
(00:55):
to have some alone time again. Second week in the row.
I've been wanting to do this episode for a long
time and never really made it a priority. And then
I was like, if I don't make this a priority,
it don't never happen. So we're doing it. So here
we are. We're talking about breakups and heartbreak and all
of those things. And if you have been a listener
(01:17):
for a while or follow me on Instagram. You may
have picked up You probably have picked up on the
fact that something that really boils my blood is the
amount of self proclaimed experts that are out in the world,
self proclaiming their opinions as the way in the light
and the truth to get you what you want out
(01:40):
of life. There are a lot of humans out there
that have created a platform and a business and a
brand and a living off of making you think that
they know exactly what you need. And then we look
to these people as somewhat like idols and end up
hanging onto their every word. As much as it may
seem helpful, I from an sider's perspective, see it becoming
(02:02):
extremely damaging. And I see that just out in the world,
and then I see the remnants of that when people
who have experienced this and are doing this coming to
my office. Life is not one size fits all, and
speaking as a mental health professional, I, as a mental
health professional, cannot tell you what you need. I can't
(02:22):
tell you what to think what you need to think,
and I can't tell you what to feel or what
you need to feel, not because I don't know you.
That's part of it if you're listening to this now,
But because as a mental health professional, I know that
what people need is the power to understand your own
patterns and our own systems and to have our own introspection.
(02:44):
And none of y'all humans don't need me dropping truth
bombs and generalized insight until y'all's brains like, that's not
all we need to find healing to get the life
we want. We need skills to learn how to do that.
And I could talk about this for days and day,
das and days, but we're not going to do that.
I'm bringing up now because we're talking about healing through
(03:06):
heartbreak and breakups and all that and why it can
be so freaking hard. And okay, side note, I'm on or.
I'm doing this Instagram experiment right now. You might have
heard of it, um, I might have talked about it before.
I'm doing this experiment where I have unfollowed everybody on
my Instagram page, so people still are following me, but
(03:27):
I follow nobody, And for the next thirty days, the
only content that I'm going to see on Instagram is
going to be my own because I am following nobody.
So the more on this in the weeks to come,
I'm going to do a whole episode on it after
my experiment is over. And you know, I'm already learning things.
I'm journaling about it every single day, and it's already
become pretty interesting. However, before I decided to do this,
(03:50):
like probably like the day before I decided to do this,
I saw I caught the video of a very popular
dating coach and he was talking about ghosting, and he
was answering someone's question that they had sent him. And meanwhile,
if you're like, why do you follow this guy? If
you don't like those kind of people, I don't follow
him and I didn't. I definitely don't follow him now.
(04:11):
But I wasn't following him. It was like on the
like suggested page or something, and I had clicked on it.
I know I shouldn't have clicked on it, but I did.
And that's beside the point that we're going to move
on from that. However, the issue I have with this
video that I'm talking about isn't that he was answering
a listener question. Because I myself to a whole episode
on y'all's Questions and Couch Talks on Wednesdays. If you're
(04:32):
if you're new. We do that on Wednesday's Q and A.
And then I also started doing Amy's Amy Brown's Tuesday episode,
where we do the same thing. We answer listener emails
on her four Things with Amy Brown podcast. We do
that on Tuesdays and then her regular episode comes out
on Thursdays. So it's not that I'm like, oh, you
shouldn't be answering people's questions. No, I think that's great
(04:53):
and helpful and kind. But if you have been a
listener to couch Talks, you'll notice that I don't really
tell people what to do. I don't tell them what
to feel. I don't tell them point blanket's right or wrong.
I can give some insight, but what I do is
I kind of talk about the situations and give factual
information when necessary, give some education when necessary, and then
(05:15):
offer feedback when necessary. And then I usually offer more
questions for that person to think about, so then they
can come up with answers themselves. And we're going to
talk more about that as we go. But I'm never
going to be the kind of person who somebody says
what do I do and I give them that answer
straight away. I'm not going to do that for many reasons.
That's what this person did. This person just went straight
(05:37):
on to telling this person exactly what to do and
how to feel and what to think. That was the
other really, and I don't completely remember what he said.
Didn't watch a whole video because I didn't want to
waste any more of my time, but I quickly became annoyed.
The question was about ghosting, and his answer in the
beginning beginning he said something like, don't ever give someone
(05:59):
the power to X, and like if it was that easy,
it was that easy, then there would be no question
in the first place, right, And I get the idea
behind that part of answering the question, like we don't
need to give other people power over us, Like that's
not a great thing to do, Like we we should
not give our power freely to other people. I get that,
(06:21):
And it's not the simple. I talk about this concept
with clients all of the time. However, it usually sounds
more like a conversation of what beliefs and what feelings
we have inside of us that allow a person that
is in our life or not in our life, or
and sometimes in our life to hold onto power over us,
and how we think feel an act rather than just
(06:42):
telling the person stop doing that, don't give them that,
don't give them that satisfaction. Well, okay, I can't just
stop doing that, and now I feel bad about myself
because it can't stop doing that. And that's the answer.
You see. The questions that are being asked are great questions.
It's how people in power answer them that I don't
just love and telling someone what to do doesn't help
(07:04):
give them agency and understanding over their processes, so then
the person can gain awareness and change what isn't working.
That leaves us needing the person in power, because since
we don't have an understanding and awareness, we are less
likely to actually create lasting like psychological pattern changes, and
we will need that person's help to get out of
(07:25):
the next crisis that we have because we will have
another one. So what's happened is we're creating a need
and a power differential between that expert and myself as
they're telling us to stop giving other people power over us.
You know, tricky, tricky, These people are tricky. And if
we've stopped looking at experts to teach us how to
(07:46):
date and tell us what to do and answer all
these questions, I really think life would be much easier.
But it's addicting. I get it. It's addicting to get answers.
When we create answers to questions, our brains actually received dopamine.
It feels good, even if the answer isn't actually the
right answer. If we think, or we tell ourselves that
we figured something out, we get a shot of dopamine.
(08:08):
An initial one might not last very long, but it
does feel good in that second. I believe there's power
in helping people answer questions themselves. And again, the questions
aren't wrong, it's who we think has the answer. We're
asking the right questions to the wrong people. Essentially. Now,
before we get into the real juice of what I
want to talk about today, I want to and after
(08:28):
I stopped going on that rant, I want to make
it very clear that I personally don't buy any means
consider myself a dating expert. I would never call myself
that never. I study relationships and I study the human condition.
I study attachment and human behavior. But I'm not a
dating expert. Does that give me some insight on dating
and relationships? Sure, but I'm not here to coach anyone
(08:50):
on how to date and tell anyone what to do.
I'm here to offer some insight that might make it
easier for you to understand yourself, so you can essentially
coach yourself. The other thing. As much as I love
a good entertaining dating podcast, I don't know that this
episode is that, because we're gonna talk about dating, but
we're going to talk about the ick part of it.
(09:12):
I want to spend some time honoring one of the
hardest parts of dating, and that's the breakup, that's heartbreak.
I continue to make this podcast in hopes that I
encourage the people who listen to it to dig into
their stuff and have more conversations with themselves, their higher power,
other people, so then we can facilitate more connection and
just plain satisfaction with life and ourselves. And this is
(09:35):
one of those conversations that I want to encourage more
people to dig into and have because I think a
lot of times when we're going through heartbreaker a breakup,
it feels very lonely and isolating and we're the only
ones with those feelings, and that's just not true. And again,
I can't give you answers on exactly what to do
with your own heartbreak or exactly the roadmap or any
(09:58):
of that. What I can do has helped start a
conversation that might lead you to identify kind of what
you need for yourself, and you can pick and choose
what you want to want to keep from this conversation
and what you want to focus on. And maybe part
of the healing and maybe the part of all of
that is just you hearing something that you can relate to.
And what I'm going to say today speaking of relating
(10:20):
to something I cannot relate to myself, is someone who
seems to have everything figured out and knows what to
do all the time and just simply always chooses to
do those right things. Just so you guys know, Yes,
I am a therapist. Yes I have lots of insight,
Yes I have lots of information. Yes I practice most
(10:43):
everything that I preach. However, I'm also a human and
I don't have it all figured out, and I don't
always make the right choice at the right time. So
this is not me. This person who has it all
figured out not me. I also don't hang out with
those people. I don't know those people for personally, and
I'm turned off by them, and not because I'm jealous.
(11:04):
Of them. It's because I can't grab onto the idea
that those people are real. I don't think that's being human,
and I don't think that someone who always has it
together all the time and who looks perfect, who's always
making the right choice and always knows what to do,
I don't know that those people really have the capacity
for true intimate connection because true intimate connection involves some
(11:26):
of the mess up. It involves messiness, and involves risk,
and evolves uncertainty, It involves fear, it involves all of that.
So if you're still listening at this point, I would
go ahead and bet that you have or maybe you're
currently going through some heartache yourself. So I want to say,
(11:49):
first off, I am in that. I have felt that too,
and I want you to know that I'm not coming
at you, and I'm not coming to you as someone
who is not involved in this, someone who is almost
like I don't know. I feel like sometimes experts or
professionals in this field they feel like like another. But
(12:13):
I am with you, and I hope that makes sense.
I don't know if I'm explaining that the way I
want to explain it, but that's what we have right now.
And what I want to say before we get into
any of this, if you are going through this now,
you just went through it, or even if you just
ever have gone through heartbreak, which is probably literally everybody,
I'm sorry. This is really one of my my personal
(12:35):
least favorite experiences that I've ever had. It's a blood
bath for me. It is something that has brought me
back and kept me in therapy for years time and
time again, and it just is one of the most
painful and hurtful, ikey things that I wish I could
avoid at all costs, that I can't avoid. To be honest,
the only people would ever wish this upon this feeling
(12:56):
of heartbreak would be the people that broke my heart.
And not because I want them to hurt out of spite, No,
I don't have I don't want my worst enemy to
feel this, not because I want her out of spite.
It's because, like there's a part of me that wants
them to hurt, so then they would change their mind
and they would take my pain away because they would
come back. And honestly, in hindsight, very glad and thanking
(13:19):
God that that never happened with any of the people
of my past so far um when I wanted to happen. Because,
as we'll talk, time changes things, and I have found
much much gratitude for not being in those relationships that
I thought were like my everything. So one of the
questions that I want to talk about is why does
it suck so bad? Like why does this experience suck
(13:42):
so bad? And why isn't there like a clear solution
and why isn't there a way to like get out
of this? And why can't I just not give that
person any more power? And why can't I hold onto
that thing that people say when they're like, if they
don't see your worth, you don't want to be with them.
Oh my god, when our hearts are broken. That sentence
(14:05):
that I just said is so so, so so freaking annoying. Yes,
we know, I know, we all know we want someone
to see our worth, like that's the kind of person
we want to be with. But that's not helpful because
that's not why I'm sad. I'm sad because I want
this person to see my worth. I know I want
(14:27):
someone to see it, but I want this person to
be that person. So I'm giving an eye roll to
that sentence, and I've probably said it to somebody, and
people have said it to me, and I'm probably gonna
say it again because it's a thing we've been programmed
to say. It's not helpful. It's really not helpful, But like,
why why can't that be helpful? Why can't we just
be Oh, you're right, I don't like him anymore because
(14:48):
heason like me. Well, one of the things is we
were literally created to be in relationship. We were created
too long for people. We were created to desire deep
connection and intimacy. It's one of the strongest and sweetest
and most like satisfying experiences. There's like nothing else like
it is in our DNA to want this, and so
it sucks when we have it, and then it gets
(15:10):
ripped out from us, and then we don't have it anymore.
It's gone, and we don't know when we're going to
get it back, and we're not in control of how
to get it back because we can't just snap our
fingers and like fall in love. Now, those who are
able to actually live into this, like those who are
capable of feeling vulnerable in order to experience this type
of connection that I'm talking about, that we were designed
(15:31):
for those people are what I would call the most
courageous people because as they're allowing the ability for one thing,
which is this great experience that we are designed to have,
As we're allowing that ability to come in, we're also
at the same time welcoming the most feared and avoided
experience of the human condition, and that is rejection and abandonment.
(15:53):
The nobody likes that. We don't like it, like, that's
the worst, It's just the worst. The lengths that people
will go to avoid feeling rejected and abandoned our wild y'all, wild, wild, wild, wild,
And we're not going to talk about that really, but
there are people who would rather jump out of planes
or off cliffs and will happily do crazy shit that
(16:16):
risk their lives. But ask them to risk feeling rejected
by someone that they love, They're like, nope, gone by,
I gotta go. I'm gonna go avoid that by jumping
out of a plane with a parachute. But the things
that we do to avoid that, like, they are indescribable.
They are wild. The time, the energy, the systems we
create inside of our bodies to avoid feeling rejected and abandoned.
(16:39):
It's a lot and why because heartbreak is that painful
feeling rejected, feeling abandoned, feeling all that is one of
the most painful experiences. So one of the best experiences,
one of the most sought after, delicious experiences that we
can have, comes with the risk of one of very
(17:00):
worst experiences. And that is annoying to me. And at
the same time, we can't change it. Now. Breakups suck
way more And this is kind of the point that
I want to make throughout this, but like, they suck
way more than we really give them credit. And just
a fact that for young adults they're one of the
(17:20):
most common risk factors for clinical depression. Like, breakups aren't
just like, oh they're sad, like they change us. And
I think we tend to almost dumb this experience down, like, oh,
they'll get over they just broke up with their boyfriend,
Like she's just sad they just broke up with their
girlfriend or whatever. And the vast majority of us eventually
will heal from this experience. We will, but before that happens,
(17:44):
there is a whole experience of suck. And this kind
of reminds me of like how we write like breakups off.
It's not a big deal. Like sometimes with addiction, we
can write that off too, and it's like, why can't
they just stop drinking, Like why can't they just stop
being sad? Or they should just be able to move on.
It's not the big of a deal you or they
should just be able to not do that drug. Its
shouldn't be that big of a deal. They're fine, like
(18:06):
all we say things like that, but just like addiction
is not that easy and not that simple. I have
a whole episode on that if you want to listen
to it. It's how people respond to a broken world.
But breakups have to do more with just the experience
of like two people not being in a relationship anymore.
For example, when you're falling in love for the first time,
(18:29):
there's something new happening in your brain. You're getting a
dopamine spike, like you're you actually are, like you're getting
all this feel good stuff in your brain when you
start to develop romantic feelings, And it can honestly be
compared to like the first time taking a drug and
you get this like high that you keep wanting, and
you keep wanting to chase it, and you keep chasing
(18:49):
after and you you want that experience because it felt
so good, you want more of it. Why wouldn't you
want more of something that is like the best thing
you've ever felt, right, if that makes sense. And sometimes
when we're in like these stages of the relationship, when
we're like, oh, I just wanted to go back to
where it was at the beginning, and and you're in
the ending of a relationship and you know that it's
not great anymore, and you're like, why can't I stop
(19:11):
going back to this beginning Because that beginning felt so good.
You can't forget about how good that felt, and you
want to find a way to feel that again. Much
like somebody who's struggling with addiction. It's like, I want
to go back to that first time I got high.
I don't like this feeling that I have now where
I'm like sick if I'm not using, but I want
to go back to that time where it felt so good.
I'm chasing that first high. That experience of falling in
(19:35):
love or falling for someone, it leaves an effect on
your brain, and that effects sticks around. Breakups create an
emotionally painful experience. Yes, that experience also has to do
with the psychological effects that your brain has as you
create relationship and move through a relationship, and that actually
transcends into how our physical body feels. It's not just emotional,
(19:59):
You're not just sad. Your whole body, all of it biological, emotional, physical, psychological,
it's all being affected aside from feeling. One of the
most avoided experiences, rejection, abandonment, breakups take a toll on
us in many, many ways. Okay, so the obvious loss,
(20:22):
you have a loss of normalcy. You have a loss
of predictable, consistent intimacy, which is can be physical and emotional. Um,
you have a loss of a companion, a loss of
ideas and a future plans and stories in your head,
loss of different friend groups and all of that which
goes into the normalcy. There's a lot of loss in that.
(20:43):
So there's there's that, Then there's this unraveling of the future,
future plans, ideas, hopes, and when we're in longer term
or serious relationships, when those end, we literally have to
relearn how to live our lives. And things can change
the matter of a day, and that's like a lot
to comprehend. So as things change in like a day,
(21:06):
like you're together one day and the next day you're
not together anymore. There's also this unraveling of what was
being built or created the relationship. There's this unraveling of
this created relationship and what do I mean by that? Well,
think about how a relationship is created and started. There's
the fun and exciting, maybe butterfly inducing at some points,
(21:27):
like moments where you're building this bond and you create
routines and you share parts of yourself with the other person,
and and maybe your own habits change, or your own
ideas and thoughts and opinions start to expand, and you
develop and you grow together. Then you break up, and
there's this part that starts to wonder, do I even
like the Packers? Or is that just my boyfriend's favorite team?
(21:50):
I lost this companionship, but also now I have lost
this Saturday afternoon routine watching football. Do I hate football now?
Or do I like football? Do I like this team? Like?
How do I unravel from that? Or? Who knows? Maybe
your girlfriend got you into CrossFit and post breakup, you
can't walk into the gym without trying into a puddle
of tears. And again you wonder, is this something that
(22:13):
is a part of me? Or am I losing this too?
Do I even like to work out? Or did I
just like doing things with my partner? And you can
attach that to anything, right, like TV shows, movies, anything.
And most recently, I'm giving you a low key example
because this wasn't super serious, but it does make sense
in this context. Most recently, I was dating somebody who
(22:40):
was very perplexed by the idea that I had never
seen a Harry Potter movie. And well, like three of
our like eight or nine dates that we had, we're
spent watching a couple of the Harry Potter movies. And
at one point I admitted to myself and him that
I was enjoying them. And I was, and I'm going
(23:00):
to Disney World or Disney World in um January, and
I I'm planning to go with my nieces and my
brother and sister in law, my mom. I'm very excited
about it. But anyways, I remembered even thinking, like, man,
maybe like one day I'll go to Harry Potter World,
which I think that's not in Disney World. It's in
Universal I think. But I was like thinking, well, I
(23:21):
can make that work, Like that would be really fun
because that's going to make sense to me now. And
the last time I went, I had never seen the movies,
so I just thought everything was weird and I was
excited about that. Part of me was well one. Once
this dating experience ended and we went our separate ways,
I literally had the thought like, do I not get
to finish the rest of those movies? Did I really
(23:41):
like those movies? Or did I like the experience of
watching them with him? And this is again a very
low key stakes example, because my heart wasn't like crumbling
to pieces after this ended, But this kind of explains
what I mean. And also if you're wondering, yes I will,
I have decided I will watch the rest of the movies,
(24:02):
but I'm much less in a rush to do that.
I'll watch them like when I feel like it, which
will probably take me years to be honest. But I
had to unravel my desire to watch these movies from
my desire to spend time and please this guy before
making that decision. And healing from a breakup includes taking
back parts of our life from the relationship, and it's
(24:24):
a process. It's not a one and done decision. It's
not a like, decide this now, It's not a figure
it out. It's an introspective process. It takes time to
figure out, really who am I outside of having this relationship?
What changes about me? The unraveling of a relationship is disorienting,
(24:45):
it's confusing, and that's one of the reasons you'll hear people,
or maybe you've heard yourself say this, I don't know
who I am without him, her, them, without this person.
I don't know who I am anymore because there's parts
of us that have combined the relationship with us. And
I don't think that's a good or bad thing. It's
just a hard thing to move through when, when and
(25:05):
if that relationship ends. As we build relationships, we're also
growing as individuals and it's hard to separate the two things.
And we get to take some of that growth with us,
like it doesn't all have to stay in the relationship,
but also that's hard because it reminds us of that thing,
and we don't want to be reminded of that thing
when we're feeling heartbreak, So then we want to push
all that stuff away with Then we're like, but we
(25:25):
want that, Like I don't want to like Harry Potter,
but like I want to watch it like that kind
of I mean again low stakes example, but you know
what I mean. Also, I think that it's important to
talk about the physiological effects of breakups, Like our partners
become like regulators for us. And even if the regulation
isn't like the good kind of regulation, maybe the relationship
(25:47):
is very chaotic. We get used to it, and our
bodies adjust and our bodies adapt and their presence becomes
our normal. Adults going through breakups show, actually, this is
so interesting. Adults going through breakups show many of the
same signs of physical disregulation that babies do when they're
separated from caregivers. So this would be stuff like agitation,
(26:09):
like physical agitation disruption, and our sleep patterns, like our
appetite being messed up and off, and I mean stuff
like that. It's not just something we get over in
our heads. We are having to relearn how to regulate
our bodies too. And we're not just losing sleep because
we're thinking about our x and our future and we're
replaying stories and all of that. That's not why, Because
(26:32):
I know when we go through breakups, we're not sleeping well.
And then when we're not sleeping well, how does that
affect the rest of our functioning. But it's not just
because we are having anxiety and thinking about the relationship
and what we could have done differently and all of that.
We're also having trouble sleeping because our internal regulatory system
has to readjust without this person in our life all
(26:53):
the time. Like think about if like maybe you're married,
maybe you're not married, Like maybe you're just started sleeping
in the bed with your partner for however long your
body gets used to that. What if you do that
for like five ten years and then you stop, your
body has gotten used to that, that feeling, the comfort,
the soothingness, like sleeping pattern, sounds, temperature, and you have
(27:15):
to unravel that. So my point in all of this
is that breakups are hard, not just because we miss somebody,
not just because the story we created, yes that's part
of it. Not just because we're losing a future, not
just because we're losing friend groups, or not just because
we're sad, and not just because our feelings are hurt,
(27:36):
not just because we feel rejected. Breakups are hard because
this affects every part of our being, And breakups are
hard because we're losing one of the most sought after
experiences feelings and things in the world, and there is
not a surefire system way to get it back and
(27:57):
know when we might have that again. So then we're
sitting in this pain, and then we're also sitting with uncertainty,
which is something that humans don't necessarily love. Now, I
don't want to just throw all this out you and
tell you how hard it is without giving you some
kind of hope or things to think about and maybe
(28:21):
things that you might be able to do again. I'm
not telling you how to heal, I'm not telling you
exactly what you need, but I want to offer some
thoughts and some things that might be helpful for you
to do and process now through a breakup feeling we
don't like the feelings that we're having, right, we don't
like pain, we don't like feelings sad, we don't like
(28:41):
all that. Okay, well, you know my stance on this.
Like feel your feelings. It's pretty important to acknowledge where
you are and how you feel. And this is important
because we can't just make those feelings go away by
ignoring them. They're just going to go somewhere else. Like
pretending like you don't have feelings is not a sot
ocean to your feelings like they're still there and if,
(29:03):
if anything, the numbing processes that we actually go through,
those are the things that are actually dangerous. So your
feelings are not going to kill you. They're not going
to hurt you like they might hurt, but they are
not going to actually damage you. However, the things that
you do to try to avoid your feelings, those will
(29:23):
those might Those will damage you, Those can hurt you,
those could kill you. In that, I want to remind you,
guys that your feelings are valid, Like any feeling you
have is valid. I don't care how long it takes
you to move through this, I don't care how long
you're sad. You're feeling of being sad is always valid.
But what we have to separate is the idea of
our our feelings and then like what facts are Like,
(29:44):
feelings and facts are not the same thing. Also, don't
confuse feelings with thoughts. A lot of times I'll ask
somebody like I'll say what are you feeling? Obviously I
say that because with therapist, but I'll say, like, well,
what are you feeling like? What feelings are coming up?
And the response I'll get is, well, I feel like blank,
and I don't care what comes after that. That's a
(30:06):
thought I feel like leads to a thought. I feel
like this, I feel like that, I feel sad, I
feel hurt, I feel angry, I feel whatever it is,
I feel fear. Those are feelings I feel like as
a thought. So don't confuse your feelings and your emotions
with thoughts, and remember thoughts aren't always facts either. Often
their stories. And a lot of the reason that we
(30:28):
struggle moving on from heartbreak is, like I said, the
stories that we create and we make up, the stories
that we make up about never being able to find
somebody or something like you had before. And I know,
when you're in it, this can feel so true, like
I'm never going to find something like this again. But
feeling like you're never going to find something like this
again is not factual information. That's a fear. That's a
(30:51):
fear of yours, fears of feeling though. So I want
to encourage you, guys, to allow yourself to have feelings
and allow yourself to move through them, because ours are
also guides and they're going to lead us to what
we need, and if we ignore them, we aren't going
to get what we need. Think of them as like
lights on a dashboard. Right, So if your car, if
a light shines, light pops up on your dashboard, maybe
(31:13):
it's your oil change light. Okay, Ignoring that light isn't
going to make your oil change not necessary, Like that's
not how that works in that light. Yeah, it's really annoying.
Like it's really annoying when that light comes on, because
I'm like, oh, I have to go to the place
and I have to sit in the room and I
have to pay the money and do the thing. That's annoying.
It's inconvenient. I don't like it. However, if I ignore it,
(31:37):
then I'm going to end up with my well, this
happened to be, oh, has happened to be a couple
of years ago. If you ignore it, you're just going
to end up your car breaking down in the middle
of the very busy road as everybody's driving to work.
And that's going to be the damaging thing, right, Ignoring
that feeling that could have gotten me in a wreck.
Ignoring the light, ignoring the check engine light that was
(32:02):
damaging could have been worse than it was. Luckily I
was okay. But as much as the light coming on
is frustrating and inconvenient. It's there to help me, and
so are your feelings. So your feelings are helping you
move through this. You just have to allow them to
do that. Now. Also, like I think that some of us,
like when we're going through breakups, like sometimes we want
(32:23):
to like push off this away, right, And I think
there's time for distraction. I really do think that, like
distraction can be a helpful thing. But also it's okay
to not distract ourselves all the time. It's okay to
allow ourselves to remember the good parts of our relationship.
But with that, I want you to also allow yourself
(32:44):
to remember the truth of the relationship too, and be
careful not to use this idea called rosie retrospect and
then end up romanticizing things that weren't actually that great.
So rosie retrospect is this term that I've held onto
that kind of means you are looking back in retrospect
actively but through like rose colored glasses, and so you're
(33:04):
creating a story that actually isn't accurate. And a lot
of times we do that, like with addiction, we do
that a lot where we'll look back at like a
party that we went to, like oh, it was so
fun blah blah blah, and then we'll remember all the
good parts of it and all these things that we
want to remember, like who was there and maybe dancing
at one point and this and that. But then like
we forget that, like maybe you like fell in front
(33:25):
of everybody, and maybe you might have like thrown up
in front of everybody, or that hangover you had, or
the du i you got after the party, Like you
forget all that stuff. And in relationships, we do that too.
We look back and we remember the good things, which
you're allowed to do that. Like, because a relationship ended
does not mean your experiences that you had that felt
(33:46):
good don't matter and don't count anymore. You still get
to have those. Those were part of your life, and
you still get to honor those and enjoy those. But
I don't want you to use those to convince yourself
of something that wasn't true. So also remember the parts
that weren't great. Remember the truth of some of those
nights maybe you had. I mean, I've done this, but
(34:06):
like great dates were like it's so great, were to
this great restaurant and we had this great conversation and
I had this great food and I had this great
outfit and blah blah, we took this really cute picture
and we laughed about this. But then, like what happened
later that night. Maybe you've got a really big fight
over something and they hurt your feelings and we don't
(34:28):
want to remember that part. But remember that, like that
perfect date wasn't actually perfect, So allow yourself to remember both,
Like you get to keep the good parts, but don't
let those convince you that the relationship was perfect because
most like no relationship is perfect, but most likely it
wasn't and maybe it ended for a reason. Also, like
(34:48):
patience is one of our best healers here right like time,
Like I just said, like, allow yourself to have distractions,
Like I think we need sometimes distractions to help with
the patients, to help with the time, because distractions can
allow us to get back in our lives and enjoy
our lives again without always having to think about this
(35:10):
thing that we don't have, or always having to think
about the relearning and the reprocessing that we have to
do to to create a life again outside of the relationship.
It's okay to use distraction it sometimes to help us
get through the time. Because time again it's so cliche,
but it's like it's a healer, really is. It's like
space away from something does help. It doesn't fix completely,
(35:35):
and it doesn't take feelings away, but it does help
remove the proximity in the strength of some of that emotion.
And another thing that I think is so important in
the healing of relationships is to ask yourself, where am
I finding support? Where am I getting support and help?
If relationship is something that I've was created to be
(35:57):
in and if human can action is one of the strongest, best,
most wonderful experiences and soul giving experiences, Okay, where am
I going to get that outside of this relationship that ended?
I still need relationship, I still need support, I still
need connection. So where can I find that? It might
(36:18):
not be the same, It's not the same. A friend
is not the same as romantic partner. It's not. However,
it is still a helpful, meaningful part of life. So
where can I lean into people? And where am I
refusing to do that? And why might TYPE doing that?
Like I wonder if I if I am finding myself
feeling very alone, is that because I really am alone?
(36:41):
Or is that because I'm creating this aloneness because I'm
isolating myself because it feels like my feelings are too
big or nobody wants to hear them, or I've talked
about them too much, or nobody wants to be around
the sad girl or the sad guy or the sad person.
And where is that coming from? And where are those
stories coming from? Like be curious about that? But where
(37:02):
can I find support? Because while human connection and the
break of it can be one of the most painful experiences,
human connection is also one of the best healers that
we have time and human connection. So how can I
use this to my benefit? How can I allow myself
(37:22):
to grab onto those your healers. It's not the book,
it's not the how to Get Over a book, it's
not this podcast. It's finding a way to connect and
be supported by humans and feel love. Like that's the healer.
And maybe you might get that through something like a
podcast like this, because maybe you can connect with something
that I'm saying and I am a real human and
(37:44):
so use that like that's a lot to be some
of your support. But also take this conversation and that's
the point of this whole the whole podcast. The Whole
Unit Therapy podcast is to take the things that you're
connecting to here into your life. So take some of
the things that you're hearing here, take some of the
questions that are popping up in your head, take some
of the statements that you're sayings, take some of the feelings,
(38:07):
and then go create an experience in your life connecting
to somebody face to face with that stuff so you
can feel heard and understood and loved and cared for
because you deserve that, Because heartbreak. A lot of times
we make up the story that we're not cared for,
nobody cares about us, And oh my gosh, you are.
You are, and I want you to be able to
(38:28):
remind yourself that. So, man, I could talk about this
all day, literally all day, but I'm not going to.
I'm going to kind of wrap this up here. And
and I really hope that this conversation was less of
a tell you exactly what to do more of a
give you an understanding of kind of what might you
be going through and how might I empower myself to
(38:52):
figure out what I need to do. This stuff is tough,
This stuff is hard, This this stuff is like I
could talk about all day, but not fun to talk about.
This is something I wish that we didn't have to
deal with heartbreak, Like why is this a thing that
was created? But it was created and it's here, So
we're going to do something with it. We're going to
talk about it, and we're going to learn how to
cope and move through it. And so I hope that
(39:14):
this was helpful in some way, and I hope it's
going to help you create agency in your life to
move through the toughness that you might be feeling, or
you might feel in the future, or you might have
gone through in your past. So again, I'm with you
in this human experience. I'm with you in it. And
if you have any questions, send them and I can
help bounce some questions back to you. And uh, half
(39:36):
the day, you guys need to have, have the moment
you need to have, have the conversations today you need
to have. You deserve them. I will talk to you
guys again on Wednesday for couch talks, and stay in there, guys,
Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of You
Need Therapy. My name is Cat and I'm the host.
Happy Monday, Well, happy Monday, if it is Monday, if
it's not Monday, happy whatever day it is that you
are listening to this. Before we get started today, really
quick one to remind you, guys that although I'm a therapist,
this podcast is not therapy and does not substitute as therapy. However,
(00:34):
it might lead you to therapy, which I'm all for
because you know, I'm a therapist and I think we
should all give therapy a shot if we have the means,
if we have the ability to do that. So now
that we have that out of the way, we get
to jump right into today's episode, which is another episode
of of me talking to y'all alone. We're just going
(00:55):
to have some alone time again. Second week in the row.
I've been wanting to do this episode for a long
time and never really made it a priority. And then
I was like, if I don't make this a priority,
it don't never happen. So we're doing it. So here
we are. We're talking about breakups and heartbreak and all
of those things. And if you have been a listener
(01:17):
for a while or follow me on Instagram. You may
have picked up You probably have picked up on the
fact that something that really boils my blood is the
amount of self proclaimed experts that are out in the world,
self proclaiming their opinions as the way in the light
and the truth to get you what you want out
(01:40):
of life. There are a lot of humans out there
that have created a platform and a business and a
brand and a living off of making you think that
they know exactly what you need. And then we look
to these people as somewhat like idols and end up
hanging onto their every word. As much as it may
seem helpful, I from an sider's perspective, see it becoming
(02:02):
extremely damaging. And I see that just out in the world,
and then I see the remnants of that when people
who have experienced this and are doing this coming to
my office. Life is not one size fits all, and
speaking as a mental health professional, I, as a mental
health professional, cannot tell you what you need. I can't
(02:22):
tell you what to think what you need to think,
and I can't tell you what to feel or what
you need to feel, not because I don't know you.
That's part of it if you're listening to this now,
But because as a mental health professional, I know that
what people need is the power to understand your own
patterns and our own systems and to have our own introspection.
(02:44):
And none of y'all humans don't need me dropping truth
bombs and generalized insight until y'all's brains like, that's not
all we need to find healing to get the life
we want. We need skills to learn how to do that.
And I could talk about this for days and day,
das and days, but we're not going to do that.
I'm bringing up now because we're talking about healing through
(03:06):
heartbreak and breakups and all that and why it can
be so freaking hard. And okay, side note, I'm on or.
I'm doing this Instagram experiment right now. You might have
heard of it, um, I might have talked about it before.
I'm doing this experiment where I have unfollowed everybody on
my Instagram page, so people still are following me, but
(03:27):
I follow nobody, And for the next thirty days, the
only content that I'm going to see on Instagram is
going to be my own because I am following nobody.
So the more on this in the weeks to come,
I'm going to do a whole episode on it after
my experiment is over. And you know, I'm already learning things.
I'm journaling about it every single day, and it's already
become pretty interesting. However, before I decided to do this,
(03:50):
like probably like the day before I decided to do this,
I saw I caught the video of a very popular
dating coach and he was talking about ghosting, and he
was answering someone's question that they had sent him. And meanwhile,
if you're like, why do you follow this guy? If
you don't like those kind of people, I don't follow
him and I didn't. I definitely don't follow him now.
(04:11):
But I wasn't following him. It was like on the
like suggested page or something, and I had clicked on it.
I know I shouldn't have clicked on it, but I did.
And that's beside the point that we're going to move
on from that. However, the issue I have with this
video that I'm talking about isn't that he was answering
a listener question. Because I myself to a whole episode
on y'all's Questions and Couch Talks on Wednesdays. If you're
(04:32):
if you're new. We do that on Wednesday's Q and A.
And then I also started doing Amy's Amy Brown's Tuesday episode,
where we do the same thing. We answer listener emails
on her four Things with Amy Brown podcast. We do
that on Tuesdays and then her regular episode comes out
on Thursdays. So it's not that I'm like, oh, you
shouldn't be answering people's questions. No, I think that's great
(04:53):
and helpful and kind. But if you have been a
listener to couch Talks, you'll notice that I don't really
tell people what to do. I don't tell them what
to feel. I don't tell them point blanket's right or wrong.
I can give some insight, but what I do is
I kind of talk about the situations and give factual
information when necessary, give some education when necessary, and then
(05:15):
offer feedback when necessary. And then I usually offer more
questions for that person to think about, so then they
can come up with answers themselves. And we're going to
talk more about that as we go. But I'm never
going to be the kind of person who somebody says
what do I do and I give them that answer
straight away. I'm not going to do that for many reasons.
That's what this person did. This person just went straight
(05:37):
on to telling this person exactly what to do and
how to feel and what to think. That was the
other really, and I don't completely remember what he said.
Didn't watch a whole video because I didn't want to
waste any more of my time, but I quickly became annoyed.
The question was about ghosting, and his answer in the
beginning beginning he said something like, don't ever give someone
(05:59):
the power to X, and like if it was that easy,
it was that easy, then there would be no question
in the first place, right, And I get the idea
behind that part of answering the question, like we don't
need to give other people power over us, Like that's
not a great thing to do, Like we we should
not give our power freely to other people. I get that,
(06:21):
And it's not the simple. I talk about this concept
with clients all of the time. However, it usually sounds
more like a conversation of what beliefs and what feelings
we have inside of us that allow a person that
is in our life or not in our life, or
and sometimes in our life to hold onto power over us,
and how we think feel an act rather than just
(06:42):
telling the person stop doing that, don't give them that,
don't give them that satisfaction. Well, okay, I can't just
stop doing that, and now I feel bad about myself
because it can't stop doing that. And that's the answer.
You see. The questions that are being asked are great questions.
It's how people in power answer them that I don't
just love and telling someone what to do doesn't help
(07:04):
give them agency and understanding over their processes, so then
the person can gain awareness and change what isn't working.
That leaves us needing the person in power, because since
we don't have an understanding and awareness, we are less
likely to actually create lasting like psychological pattern changes, and
we will need that person's help to get out of
(07:25):
the next crisis that we have because we will have
another one. So what's happened is we're creating a need
and a power differential between that expert and myself as
they're telling us to stop giving other people power over us.
You know, tricky, tricky, These people are tricky. And if
we've stopped looking at experts to teach us how to
(07:46):
date and tell us what to do and answer all
these questions, I really think life would be much easier.
But it's addicting. I get it. It's addicting to get answers.
When we create answers to questions, our brains actually received dopamine.
It feels good, even if the answer isn't actually the
right answer. If we think, or we tell ourselves that
we figured something out, we get a shot of dopamine.
(08:08):
An initial one might not last very long, but it
does feel good in that second. I believe there's power
in helping people answer questions themselves. And again, the questions
aren't wrong, it's who we think has the answer. We're
asking the right questions to the wrong people. Essentially. Now,
before we get into the real juice of what I
want to talk about today, I want to and after
(08:28):
I stopped going on that rant, I want to make
it very clear that I personally don't buy any means
consider myself a dating expert. I would never call myself
that never. I study relationships and I study the human condition.
I study attachment and human behavior. But I'm not a
dating expert. Does that give me some insight on dating
and relationships? Sure, but I'm not here to coach anyone
(08:50):
on how to date and tell anyone what to do.
I'm here to offer some insight that might make it
easier for you to understand yourself, so you can essentially
coach yourself. The other thing. As much as I love
a good entertaining dating podcast, I don't know that this
episode is that, because we're gonna talk about dating, but
we're going to talk about the ick part of it.
(09:12):
I want to spend some time honoring one of the
hardest parts of dating, and that's the breakup, that's heartbreak.
I continue to make this podcast in hopes that I
encourage the people who listen to it to dig into
their stuff and have more conversations with themselves, their higher power,
other people, so then we can facilitate more connection and
just plain satisfaction with life and ourselves. And this is
(09:35):
one of those conversations that I want to encourage more
people to dig into and have because I think a
lot of times when we're going through heartbreaker a breakup,
it feels very lonely and isolating and we're the only
ones with those feelings, and that's just not true. And again,
I can't give you answers on exactly what to do
with your own heartbreak or exactly the roadmap or any
(09:58):
of that. What I can do has helped start a
conversation that might lead you to identify kind of what
you need for yourself, and you can pick and choose
what you want to want to keep from this conversation
and what you want to focus on. And maybe part
of the healing and maybe the part of all of
that is just you hearing something that you can relate to.
And what I'm going to say today speaking of relating
(10:20):
to something I cannot relate to myself, is someone who
seems to have everything figured out and knows what to
do all the time and just simply always chooses to
do those right things. Just so you guys know, Yes,
I am a therapist. Yes I have lots of insight,
Yes I have lots of information. Yes I practice most
(10:43):
everything that I preach. However, I'm also a human and
I don't have it all figured out, and I don't
always make the right choice at the right time. So
this is not me. This person who has it all
figured out not me. I also don't hang out with
those people. I don't know those people for personally, and
I'm turned off by them, and not because I'm jealous.
(11:04):
Of them. It's because I can't grab onto the idea
that those people are real. I don't think that's being human,
and I don't think that someone who always has it
together all the time and who looks perfect, who's always
making the right choice and always knows what to do,
I don't know that those people really have the capacity
for true intimate connection because true intimate connection involves some
(11:26):
of the mess up. It involves messiness, and involves risk,
and evolves uncertainty, It involves fear, it involves all of that.
So if you're still listening at this point, I would
go ahead and bet that you have or maybe you're
currently going through some heartache yourself. So I want to say,
(11:49):
first off, I am in that. I have felt that too,
and I want you to know that I'm not coming
at you, and I'm not coming to you as someone
who is not involved in this, someone who is almost
like I don't know. I feel like sometimes experts or
professionals in this field they feel like like another. But
(12:13):
I am with you, and I hope that makes sense.
I don't know if I'm explaining that the way I
want to explain it, but that's what we have right now.
And what I want to say before we get into
any of this, if you are going through this now,
you just went through it, or even if you just
ever have gone through heartbreak, which is probably literally everybody,
I'm sorry. This is really one of my my personal
(12:35):
least favorite experiences that I've ever had. It's a blood
bath for me. It is something that has brought me
back and kept me in therapy for years time and
time again, and it just is one of the most
painful and hurtful, ikey things that I wish I could
avoid at all costs, that I can't avoid. To be honest,
the only people would ever wish this upon this feeling
(12:56):
of heartbreak would be the people that broke my heart.
And not because I want them to hurt out of spite, No,
I don't have I don't want my worst enemy to
feel this, not because I want her out of spite.
It's because, like there's a part of me that wants
them to hurt, so then they would change their mind
and they would take my pain away because they would
come back. And honestly, in hindsight, very glad and thanking
(13:19):
God that that never happened with any of the people
of my past so far um when I wanted to happen. Because,
as we'll talk, time changes things, and I have found
much much gratitude for not being in those relationships that
I thought were like my everything. So one of the
questions that I want to talk about is why does
it suck so bad? Like why does this experience suck
(13:42):
so bad? And why isn't there like a clear solution
and why isn't there a way to like get out
of this? And why can't I just not give that
person any more power? And why can't I hold onto
that thing that people say when they're like, if they
don't see your worth, you don't want to be with them.
Oh my god, when our hearts are broken. That sentence
(14:05):
that I just said is so so, so so freaking annoying. Yes,
we know, I know, we all know we want someone
to see our worth, like that's the kind of person
we want to be with. But that's not helpful because
that's not why I'm sad. I'm sad because I want
this person to see my worth. I know I want
(14:27):
someone to see it, but I want this person to
be that person. So I'm giving an eye roll to
that sentence, and I've probably said it to somebody, and
people have said it to me, and I'm probably gonna
say it again because it's a thing we've been programmed
to say. It's not helpful. It's really not helpful, But like,
why why can't that be helpful? Why can't we just
be Oh, you're right, I don't like him anymore because
(14:48):
heason like me. Well, one of the things is we
were literally created to be in relationship. We were created
too long for people. We were created to desire deep
connection and intimacy. It's one of the strongest and sweetest
and most like satisfying experiences. There's like nothing else like
it is in our DNA to want this, and so
it sucks when we have it, and then it gets
(15:10):
ripped out from us, and then we don't have it anymore.
It's gone, and we don't know when we're going to
get it back, and we're not in control of how
to get it back because we can't just snap our
fingers and like fall in love. Now, those who are
able to actually live into this, like those who are
capable of feeling vulnerable in order to experience this type
of connection that I'm talking about, that we were designed
(15:31):
for those people are what I would call the most
courageous people because as they're allowing the ability for one thing,
which is this great experience that we are designed to have,
As we're allowing that ability to come in, we're also
at the same time welcoming the most feared and avoided
experience of the human condition, and that is rejection and abandonment.
(15:53):
The nobody likes that. We don't like it, like, that's
the worst, It's just the worst. The lengths that people
will go to avoid feeling rejected and abandoned our wild y'all, wild, wild, wild, wild,
And we're not going to talk about that really, but
there are people who would rather jump out of planes
or off cliffs and will happily do crazy shit that
(16:16):
risk their lives. But ask them to risk feeling rejected
by someone that they love, They're like, nope, gone by,
I gotta go. I'm gonna go avoid that by jumping
out of a plane with a parachute. But the things
that we do to avoid that, like, they are indescribable.
They are wild. The time, the energy, the systems we
create inside of our bodies to avoid feeling rejected and abandoned.
(16:39):
It's a lot and why because heartbreak is that painful
feeling rejected, feeling abandoned, feeling all that is one of
the most painful experiences. So one of the best experiences,
one of the most sought after, delicious experiences that we
can have, comes with the risk of one of very
(17:00):
worst experiences. And that is annoying to me. And at
the same time, we can't change it. Now. Breakups suck
way more And this is kind of the point that
I want to make throughout this, but like, they suck
way more than we really give them credit. And just
a fact that for young adults they're one of the
(17:20):
most common risk factors for clinical depression. Like, breakups aren't
just like, oh they're sad, like they change us. And
I think we tend to almost dumb this experience down, like, oh,
they'll get over they just broke up with their boyfriend,
Like she's just sad they just broke up with their
girlfriend or whatever. And the vast majority of us eventually
will heal from this experience. We will, but before that happens,
(17:44):
there is a whole experience of suck. And this kind
of reminds me of like how we write like breakups off.
It's not a big deal. Like sometimes with addiction, we
can write that off too, and it's like, why can't
they just stop drinking, Like why can't they just stop
being sad? Or they should just be able to move on.
It's not the big of a deal you or they
should just be able to not do that drug. Its
shouldn't be that big of a deal. They're fine, like
(18:06):
all we say things like that, but just like addiction
is not that easy and not that simple. I have
a whole episode on that if you want to listen
to it. It's how people respond to a broken world.
But breakups have to do more with just the experience
of like two people not being in a relationship anymore.
For example, when you're falling in love for the first time,
(18:29):
there's something new happening in your brain. You're getting a
dopamine spike, like you're you actually are, like you're getting
all this feel good stuff in your brain when you
start to develop romantic feelings, And it can honestly be
compared to like the first time taking a drug and
you get this like high that you keep wanting, and
you keep wanting to chase it, and you keep chasing
(18:49):
after and you you want that experience because it felt
so good, you want more of it. Why wouldn't you
want more of something that is like the best thing
you've ever felt, right, if that makes sense. And sometimes
when we're in like these stages of the relationship, when
we're like, oh, I just wanted to go back to
where it was at the beginning, and and you're in
the ending of a relationship and you know that it's
not great anymore, and you're like, why can't I stop
(19:11):
going back to this beginning Because that beginning felt so good.
You can't forget about how good that felt, and you
want to find a way to feel that again. Much
like somebody who's struggling with addiction. It's like, I want
to go back to that first time I got high.
I don't like this feeling that I have now where
I'm like sick if I'm not using, but I want
to go back to that time where it felt so good.
I'm chasing that first high. That experience of falling in
(19:35):
love or falling for someone, it leaves an effect on
your brain, and that effects sticks around. Breakups create an
emotionally painful experience. Yes, that experience also has to do
with the psychological effects that your brain has as you
create relationship and move through a relationship, and that actually
transcends into how our physical body feels. It's not just emotional,
(19:59):
You're not just sad. Your whole body, all of it biological, emotional, physical, psychological,
it's all being affected aside from feeling. One of the
most avoided experiences, rejection, abandonment, breakups take a toll on
us in many, many ways. Okay, so the obvious loss,
(20:22):
you have a loss of normalcy. You have a loss
of predictable, consistent intimacy, which is can be physical and emotional. Um,
you have a loss of a companion, a loss of
ideas and a future plans and stories in your head,
loss of different friend groups and all of that which
goes into the normalcy. There's a lot of loss in that.
(20:43):
So there's there's that, Then there's this unraveling of the future,
future plans, ideas, hopes, and when we're in longer term
or serious relationships, when those end, we literally have to
relearn how to live our lives. And things can change
the matter of a day, and that's like a lot
to comprehend. So as things change in like a day,
(21:06):
like you're together one day and the next day you're
not together anymore. There's also this unraveling of what was
being built or created the relationship. There's this unraveling of
this created relationship and what do I mean by that? Well,
think about how a relationship is created and started. There's
the fun and exciting, maybe butterfly inducing at some points,
(21:27):
like moments where you're building this bond and you create
routines and you share parts of yourself with the other person,
and and maybe your own habits change, or your own
ideas and thoughts and opinions start to expand, and you
develop and you grow together. Then you break up, and
there's this part that starts to wonder, do I even
like the Packers? Or is that just my boyfriend's favorite team?
(21:50):
I lost this companionship, but also now I have lost
this Saturday afternoon routine watching football. Do I hate football now?
Or do I like football? Do I like this team? Like?
How do I unravel from that? Or? Who knows? Maybe
your girlfriend got you into CrossFit and post breakup, you
can't walk into the gym without trying into a puddle
of tears. And again you wonder, is this something that
(22:13):
is a part of me? Or am I losing this too?
Do I even like to work out? Or did I
just like doing things with my partner? And you can
attach that to anything, right, like TV shows, movies, anything.
And most recently, I'm giving you a low key example
because this wasn't super serious, but it does make sense
in this context. Most recently, I was dating somebody who
(22:40):
was very perplexed by the idea that I had never
seen a Harry Potter movie. And well, like three of
our like eight or nine dates that we had, we're
spent watching a couple of the Harry Potter movies. And
at one point I admitted to myself and him that
I was enjoying them. And I was, and I'm going
(23:00):
to Disney World or Disney World in um January, and
I I'm planning to go with my nieces and my
brother and sister in law, my mom. I'm very excited
about it. But anyways, I remembered even thinking, like, man,
maybe like one day I'll go to Harry Potter World,
which I think that's not in Disney World. It's in
Universal I think. But I was like thinking, well, I
(23:21):
can make that work, Like that would be really fun
because that's going to make sense to me now. And
the last time I went, I had never seen the movies,
so I just thought everything was weird and I was
excited about that. Part of me was well one. Once
this dating experience ended and we went our separate ways,
I literally had the thought like, do I not get
to finish the rest of those movies? Did I really
(23:41):
like those movies? Or did I like the experience of
watching them with him? And this is again a very
low key stakes example, because my heart wasn't like crumbling
to pieces after this ended, But this kind of explains
what I mean. And also if you're wondering, yes I will,
I have decided I will watch the rest of the movies,
(24:02):
but I'm much less in a rush to do that.
I'll watch them like when I feel like it, which
will probably take me years to be honest. But I
had to unravel my desire to watch these movies from
my desire to spend time and please this guy before
making that decision. And healing from a breakup includes taking
back parts of our life from the relationship, and it's
(24:24):
a process. It's not a one and done decision. It's
not a like, decide this now, It's not a figure
it out. It's an introspective process. It takes time to
figure out, really who am I outside of having this relationship?
What changes about me? The unraveling of a relationship is disorienting,
(24:45):
it's confusing, and that's one of the reasons you'll hear people,
or maybe you've heard yourself say this, I don't know
who I am without him, her, them, without this person.
I don't know who I am anymore because there's parts
of us that have combined the relationship with us. And
I don't think that's a good or bad thing. It's
just a hard thing to move through when, when and
(25:05):
if that relationship ends. As we build relationships, we're also
growing as individuals and it's hard to separate the two things.
And we get to take some of that growth with us,
like it doesn't all have to stay in the relationship,
but also that's hard because it reminds us of that thing,
and we don't want to be reminded of that thing
when we're feeling heartbreak, So then we want to push
all that stuff away with Then we're like, but we
(25:25):
want that, Like I don't want to like Harry Potter,
but like I want to watch it like that kind
of I mean again low stakes example, but you know
what I mean. Also, I think that it's important to
talk about the physiological effects of breakups, Like our partners
become like regulators for us. And even if the regulation
isn't like the good kind of regulation, maybe the relationship
(25:47):
is very chaotic. We get used to it, and our
bodies adjust and our bodies adapt and their presence becomes
our normal. Adults going through breakups show, actually, this is
so interesting. Adults going through breakups show many of the
same signs of physical disregulation that babies do when they're
separated from caregivers. So this would be stuff like agitation,
(26:09):
like physical agitation disruption, and our sleep patterns, like our
appetite being messed up and off, and I mean stuff
like that. It's not just something we get over in
our heads. We are having to relearn how to regulate
our bodies too. And we're not just losing sleep because
we're thinking about our x and our future and we're
replaying stories and all of that. That's not why, Because
(26:32):
I know when we go through breakups, we're not sleeping well.
And then when we're not sleeping well, how does that
affect the rest of our functioning. But it's not just
because we are having anxiety and thinking about the relationship
and what we could have done differently and all of that.
We're also having trouble sleeping because our internal regulatory system
has to readjust without this person in our life all
(26:53):
the time. Like think about if like maybe you're married,
maybe you're not married, Like maybe you're just started sleeping
in the bed with your partner for however long your
body gets used to that. What if you do that
for like five ten years and then you stop, your
body has gotten used to that, that feeling, the comfort,
the soothingness, like sleeping pattern, sounds, temperature, and you have
(27:15):
to unravel that. So my point in all of this
is that breakups are hard, not just because we miss somebody,
not just because the story we created, yes that's part
of it. Not just because we're losing a future, not
just because we're losing friend groups, or not just because
we're sad, and not just because our feelings are hurt,
(27:36):
not just because we feel rejected. Breakups are hard because
this affects every part of our being, And breakups are
hard because we're losing one of the most sought after
experiences feelings and things in the world, and there is
not a surefire system way to get it back and
(27:57):
know when we might have that again. So then we're
sitting in this pain, and then we're also sitting with uncertainty,
which is something that humans don't necessarily love. Now, I
don't want to just throw all this out you and
tell you how hard it is without giving you some
kind of hope or things to think about and maybe
(28:21):
things that you might be able to do again. I'm
not telling you how to heal, I'm not telling you
exactly what you need, but I want to offer some
thoughts and some things that might be helpful for you
to do and process now through a breakup feeling we
don't like the feelings that we're having, right, we don't
like pain, we don't like feelings sad, we don't like
(28:41):
all that. Okay, well, you know my stance on this.
Like feel your feelings. It's pretty important to acknowledge where
you are and how you feel. And this is important
because we can't just make those feelings go away by
ignoring them. They're just going to go somewhere else. Like
pretending like you don't have feelings is not a sot
ocean to your feelings like they're still there and if,
(29:03):
if anything, the numbing processes that we actually go through,
those are the things that are actually dangerous. So your
feelings are not going to kill you. They're not going
to hurt you like they might hurt, but they are
not going to actually damage you. However, the things that
you do to try to avoid your feelings, those will
(29:23):
those might Those will damage you, Those can hurt you,
those could kill you. In that, I want to remind you,
guys that your feelings are valid, Like any feeling you
have is valid. I don't care how long it takes
you to move through this, I don't care how long
you're sad. You're feeling of being sad is always valid.
But what we have to separate is the idea of
our our feelings and then like what facts are Like,
(29:44):
feelings and facts are not the same thing. Also, don't
confuse feelings with thoughts. A lot of times I'll ask
somebody like I'll say what are you feeling? Obviously I
say that because with therapist, but I'll say, like, well,
what are you feeling like? What feelings are coming up?
And the response I'll get is, well, I feel like blank,
and I don't care what comes after that. That's a
(30:06):
thought I feel like leads to a thought. I feel
like this, I feel like that, I feel sad, I
feel hurt, I feel angry, I feel whatever it is,
I feel fear. Those are feelings I feel like as
a thought. So don't confuse your feelings and your emotions
with thoughts, and remember thoughts aren't always facts either. Often
their stories. And a lot of the reason that we
(30:28):
struggle moving on from heartbreak is, like I said, the
stories that we create and we make up, the stories
that we make up about never being able to find
somebody or something like you had before. And I know,
when you're in it, this can feel so true, like
I'm never going to find something like this again. But
feeling like you're never going to find something like this
again is not factual information. That's a fear. That's a
(30:51):
fear of yours, fears of feeling though. So I want
to encourage you, guys, to allow yourself to have feelings
and allow yourself to move through them, because ours are
also guides and they're going to lead us to what
we need, and if we ignore them, we aren't going
to get what we need. Think of them as like
lights on a dashboard. Right, So if your car, if
a light shines, light pops up on your dashboard, maybe
(31:13):
it's your oil change light. Okay, Ignoring that light isn't
going to make your oil change not necessary, Like that's
not how that works in that light. Yeah, it's really annoying.
Like it's really annoying when that light comes on, because
I'm like, oh, I have to go to the place
and I have to sit in the room and I
have to pay the money and do the thing. That's annoying.
It's inconvenient. I don't like it. However, if I ignore it,
(31:37):
then I'm going to end up with my well, this
happened to be, oh, has happened to be a couple
of years ago. If you ignore it, you're just going
to end up your car breaking down in the middle
of the very busy road as everybody's driving to work.
And that's going to be the damaging thing, right, Ignoring
that feeling that could have gotten me in a wreck.
Ignoring the light, ignoring the check engine light that was
(32:02):
damaging could have been worse than it was. Luckily I
was okay. But as much as the light coming on
is frustrating and inconvenient. It's there to help me, and
so are your feelings. So your feelings are helping you
move through this. You just have to allow them to
do that. Now. Also, like I think that some of us,
like when we're going through breakups, like sometimes we want
(32:23):
to like push off this away, right, And I think
there's time for distraction. I really do think that, like
distraction can be a helpful thing. But also it's okay
to not distract ourselves all the time. It's okay to
allow ourselves to remember the good parts of our relationship.
But with that, I want you to also allow yourself
(32:44):
to remember the truth of the relationship too, and be
careful not to use this idea called rosie retrospect and
then end up romanticizing things that weren't actually that great.
So rosie retrospect is this term that I've held onto
that kind of means you are looking back in retrospect
actively but through like rose colored glasses, and so you're
(33:04):
creating a story that actually isn't accurate. And a lot
of times we do that, like with addiction, we do
that a lot where we'll look back at like a
party that we went to, like oh, it was so
fun blah blah blah, and then we'll remember all the
good parts of it and all these things that we
want to remember, like who was there and maybe dancing
at one point and this and that. But then like
we forget that, like maybe you like fell in front
(33:25):
of everybody, and maybe you might have like thrown up
in front of everybody, or that hangover you had, or
the du i you got after the party, Like you
forget all that stuff. And in relationships, we do that too.
We look back and we remember the good things, which
you're allowed to do that. Like, because a relationship ended
does not mean your experiences that you had that felt
(33:46):
good don't matter and don't count anymore. You still get
to have those. Those were part of your life, and
you still get to honor those and enjoy those. But
I don't want you to use those to convince yourself
of something that wasn't true. So also remember the parts
that weren't great. Remember the truth of some of those
nights maybe you had. I mean, I've done this, but
(34:06):
like great dates were like it's so great, were to
this great restaurant and we had this great conversation and
I had this great food and I had this great
outfit and blah blah, we took this really cute picture
and we laughed about this. But then, like what happened
later that night. Maybe you've got a really big fight
over something and they hurt your feelings and we don't
(34:28):
want to remember that part. But remember that, like that
perfect date wasn't actually perfect, So allow yourself to remember both,
Like you get to keep the good parts, but don't
let those convince you that the relationship was perfect because
most like no relationship is perfect, but most likely it
wasn't and maybe it ended for a reason. Also, like
(34:48):
patience is one of our best healers here right like time,
Like I just said, like, allow yourself to have distractions,
Like I think we need sometimes distractions to help with
the patients, to help with the time, because distractions can
allow us to get back in our lives and enjoy
our lives again without always having to think about this
(35:10):
thing that we don't have, or always having to think
about the relearning and the reprocessing that we have to
do to to create a life again outside of the relationship.
It's okay to use distraction it sometimes to help us
get through the time. Because time again it's so cliche,
but it's like it's a healer, really is. It's like
space away from something does help. It doesn't fix completely,
(35:35):
and it doesn't take feelings away, but it does help
remove the proximity in the strength of some of that emotion.
And another thing that I think is so important in
the healing of relationships is to ask yourself, where am
I finding support? Where am I getting support and help?
If relationship is something that I've was created to be
(35:57):
in and if human can action is one of the strongest, best,
most wonderful experiences and soul giving experiences, Okay, where am
I going to get that outside of this relationship that ended?
I still need relationship, I still need support, I still
need connection. So where can I find that? It might
(36:18):
not be the same, It's not the same. A friend
is not the same as romantic partner. It's not. However,
it is still a helpful, meaningful part of life. So
where can I lean into people? And where am I
refusing to do that? And why might TYPE doing that?
Like I wonder if I if I am finding myself
feeling very alone, is that because I really am alone?
(36:41):
Or is that because I'm creating this aloneness because I'm
isolating myself because it feels like my feelings are too
big or nobody wants to hear them, or I've talked
about them too much, or nobody wants to be around
the sad girl or the sad guy or the sad person.
And where is that coming from? And where are those
stories coming from? Like be curious about that? But where
(37:02):
can I find support? Because while human connection and the
break of it can be one of the most painful experiences,
human connection is also one of the best healers that
we have time and human connection. So how can I
use this to my benefit? How can I allow myself
(37:22):
to grab onto those your healers. It's not the book,
it's not the how to Get Over a book, it's
not this podcast. It's finding a way to connect and
be supported by humans and feel love. Like that's the healer.
And maybe you might get that through something like a
podcast like this, because maybe you can connect with something
that I'm saying and I am a real human and
(37:44):
so use that like that's a lot to be some
of your support. But also take this conversation and that's
the point of this whole the whole podcast. The Whole
Unit Therapy podcast is to take the things that you're
connecting to here into your life. So take some of
the things that you're hearing here, take some of the
questions that are popping up in your head, take some
of the statements that you're sayings, take some of the feelings,
(38:07):
and then go create an experience in your life connecting
to somebody face to face with that stuff so you
can feel heard and understood and loved and cared for
because you deserve that, Because heartbreak. A lot of times
we make up the story that we're not cared for,
nobody cares about us, And oh my gosh, you are.
You are, and I want you to be able to
(38:28):
remind yourself that. So, man, I could talk about this
all day, literally all day, but I'm not going to.
I'm going to kind of wrap this up here. And
and I really hope that this conversation was less of
a tell you exactly what to do more of a
give you an understanding of kind of what might you
be going through and how might I empower myself to
(38:52):
figure out what I need to do. This stuff is tough,
This stuff is hard, This this stuff is like I
could talk about all day, but not fun to talk about.
This is something I wish that we didn't have to
deal with heartbreak, Like why is this a thing that
was created? But it was created and it's here, So
we're going to do something with it. We're going to
talk about it, and we're going to learn how to
cope and move through it. And so I hope that
(39:14):
this was helpful in some way, and I hope it's
going to help you create agency in your life to
move through the toughness that you might be feeling, or
you might feel in the future, or you might have
gone through in your past. So again, I'm with you
in this human experience. I'm with you in it. And
if you have any questions, send them and I can
help bounce some questions back to you. And uh, half
(39:36):
the day, you guys need to have, have the moment
you need to have, have the conversations today you need
to have. You deserve them. I will talk to you
guys again on Wednesday for couch talks, and stay in there, guys,
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