November 15, 2021 • 22 mins
This week Kat (@kat.defatta) is helping is figure out how and when positivity became something that is often described as toxic. If you have been confused about the term toxic positivity, don't worry, we are breaking it all down in this episode. With all the mess that the last couple of years has brought - it only makes sense that we all want to feel better and look toward a brighter side. However. our attempts at alleviating discomfort through positivity can often lead to the invalidation and minimization of someone's authentic experience. You can be optimistic and positive AND hold the present truth all at the same time. . . listen to the episode to figure out how!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hi, guys, and welcome to another new episode of You
Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and I am
the host, and today you're getting another episode of just
me talking to you guys about something that I wanted
to bring up and have a conversation with myself to
you about. If you're new to the podcast, I'm a
licensed therapist, but I always like to remind everybody quickly
(00:31):
before we get into the juice of what we will
be talking about, that this is not therapy in itself
or a placement. But the hope is maybe something that
we talk about might lead you to therapy to work
on something that's important to you. So what am I
going to talk about today? We are going to talk
about this idea or this thing called toxic positivity and
(00:54):
what is it? And what's the difference between that and optimism?
And is my positivity talks? Am I allowed to be
positive anymore? Because oh my gosh, there's all this stuff
about positivity being toxic? But I also don't want to
just sit in the ship all the time. So what
do I do? And to be honest, In the last
couple of years, this term has been brought up more
and more and more and more, and that's why I
(01:15):
want to talk about it. I hadn't even heard of
this term until a couple of years ago. Positivity was
just positivity, and it was like, well, how can being
positive be toxic? And it can be, So we're gonna
talk about that now. I am a natural optimist and
someone who believes in the power of p m A.
I've done a couple of episodes about p m A
and I find it very valuable and wholeheardly believe in
(01:37):
that concept, in that idea, and so when I first
heard that the term toxic positivity, I didn't even want
to give it the time of day. I just wanted
to be like, yeah, that's whatever. I don't want to
pay attention to that. But you know, in the end,
I kind of had to one because it is a
thing and to I'm a therapist and I have to
know these things. And that's one of the reasons that
I think this episode is important, because this is a
thing in the words being thrown out a lot, and
(01:59):
so it's keeping but from being able to show up,
I think fully, because I don't want to be called
out for that. You know, we're in this like call out, cancel, culture,
and nobody wants to be wrong, and so then we
shut parts of ourselves off. And I'm inviting you to
turn those parts of you back on. And toxic positivity
is not the same thing as being optimistic, and optimism
and positivity have a beautiful place in the world. I
(02:22):
also think it's important because when we hear the word toxic,
I think we automatically think bad, which totally makes sense.
But I also think that there are a lot of
people who are spreading and engaging in toxic positivity that
aren't actually bad, and they are on bad intentions. They
are just doing what they think is right and probably
what they've been taught and surrounded by. And I get
(02:43):
this like weird, like blaming vibe from content around toxic positivity,
And again it's a harmful thing. I'm not pro toxic positivity.
But to alleviate this problem isn't to create a icky
vibe around it. It's to offer feedback and educate ourselves
about it. You know, we can't know until we know. Therefore,
today we're going to get into the now. So in
(03:06):
simple terms, let's talk about what toxic positivity is. It
is when authentic feelings, like real authentic feelings get dismissed
by yourself or other people by basically being coerced into
looking at the bright side. Right, So it involves dismissing
feelings that are perceived as negative and responding to distress
with false reassurance rather than like empathy and real connection.
(03:28):
It has, like unconsciously, its roots in the idea that
feelings are either good or bad, and it invites this
idea that morality lives within feelings and they're like feelings
are these moral things when they're not. Feelings are feelings.
So being positive has been kind of connected to moral
rightness or moral correctness, and that means a lot of
(03:48):
us judge ourselves for feeling emotions that are seen as negative,
and so we have to pull back and realize that, like,
wait a second, emotions aren't negative and positive. They are
they are not good or bad. There's no moral nous
around fee Lanes. If I have taught you guys, anything,
it is that feelings are not good or bad. Like
that is just something that I harp on over and
over because it's such an important truth. They just are period.
(04:10):
They are tools and helpful guys, and they help lead
us to where we need to go and what we
need to ask for and what we need to create.
And they may not feel good, right, They might be
might be uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean they are morally
wrong or bad or we shouldn't have them and we
should have other ones. So the pressure to spread um
and engage in toxic positivity, it's I get it, Like,
(04:32):
if you really sit down and think about it, it
makes sense. It comes from feeling uncomfortable with emotions. It
comes from being uncomfy, and we're when we're uncomfy, it
makes sense that we would want to not be uncomfortable
and alleviate that. So, like I said, it's often very
well intentioned. We just want to feel better, or we
want to help somebody else feel better, or we want
to make somebody else feel better, so then we feel better. Right,
(04:53):
So we're caring for ourselves by acting like we're caring
for somebody else. But what that really can do is
cause like a lot of alienation and feeling of disconnection
when really, in those moments, when we have those uncomfortable feelings,
what we really need is connection, and this does the opposite.
So there's this woman named Susan David and she has
an awesome ted talk that I recommend listening to, and
she describes this kind of idea in her ted talk
(05:16):
as having dead people's goals, which I think is such.
I mean, it was funny when I heard it, and
it's funny when I think about it, because only dead
people never feel unwanted or never get disappointed, or never
feel uncomfortable. They only dead people never get stressed or
have their heartbroken. Tough emotions are just part of what
she calls our contract with life. And she says discomfort
(05:36):
is the price of admission for a meaningful life, and
I just think that that is so true, right, So
I'm gonna say it again. Discomfort is the price of
admission for a meaningful life. Meaning if I want a meaningful,
good saturated life, I have to be willing to sit
in discomfort. I have to be willing to feel a
(05:59):
range of emotions. And if I'm not, I am contracting
to a less meaningful life. Okay, so let's talk about
what toxic positivity can sound like now that we know
what it is. Because I think again, because this is
so well intentioned. Sometimes we don't think what we're saying
is that, but it actually is. So I'm gonna give
you some basic phrases and some examples and you can
(06:22):
be like, oh I do that all the time, or
oh yeah, I really don't like when people do that.
I understand that now, So phrases like good vibes only
look on the bright side. Yes, but you have so
much to be grateful for. Don't let that blank, right,
So don't let that make you cry, or don't let
that get you down, or don't let that whatever it is,
it's not that bad. Other people have it worse, or
(06:45):
this one everything happens for a reason. I hate that.
I really do hate. I also don't believe that everything
happens for a reason, but that's another conversation. So some
examples of sometimes what this looks like in an experience
would be like somebody who is is struggling getting pregnant, right,
maybe they had a miscarriage or something, and somebody says, well,
(07:06):
at least you were able to get pregnant. It's like, okay,
so I can't I can't be sad then, because at
least I can do that. Or when something super bad happens,
like there's a correct or maybe you lose your job
or you have a breakup and somebody says like, well,
everything happens for a reason, and it's like, okay, that's
not helpful because it feels very icky and I feel
like I'm being punished and why would I be being
(07:28):
punished right? Or now? Am I being ungrateful and not
staying in line with my faith and my religion because
I'm mad that this happened, But it's part of God's plan, right.
This can look like telling somebody who's grieving something to like,
just look at the positive things in their life they
still have, Like maybe somebody's a parent died, and they're like, well,
(07:50):
focus on the parent that you do have, And it's like, okay, okay,
it seems off, but if that's what I'm supposed to do,
I guess. And then again it comes with this like
rush of my being ungrateful because I have a parent.
And honestly, I think this one is kind of confusing.
But when we label people who like and look at
people who look happy all the time and and have
this like essence of positivity as stronger or like, I guess,
(08:13):
more likable, um, that is a form of toxic positivity,
Like you're stronger because you can be more happy, but
is that what strength looks like? So those are just
some examples of what that can look like in in life.
And I'm sure some of you guys out there have
been like, yeah, I've been told that or I've experienced that,
are like, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And
again you can see in these examples with toxic positivity
(08:33):
that negative emotions where what has been being labeled as
negative emotions. Right, So emotions that aren't comfortable or being
labeled as negative emotions, they're seen as inherently bad, so
we shouldn't have them. So by somebody saying don't feel
that or it could be worse, trying to alleviate that
hurt or sadness or any of that, it's sending the
message that those things are bad and you shouldn't feel them.
(08:54):
And when these quote unquote like positive ideas or phrases
are are pushed towards something, the real experience somebody is
having is being denied. Their experience is being minimized like
it's not so bad, and they're just being invalidated, which
really can when we're invalidated, it actually really does affect
us because sometimes we aren't sitting there being like, oh
(09:14):
I feel invalidated. We're sitting there and saying to ourselves,
oh I'm wrong. Right, there's not always that connection of
like they're invalidating me, but this feels valid. There comes
this part of me that's like, oh, I'm wrong for
feeling this. So a number of problems arise from toxic positivity,
and we're gonna talk about it too. And it can
(09:36):
be confusing because why would it be bad to be positive?
And why would it be bad to look at the
bright side? And again, I want you to hear this.
I don't think being optimistic and being a positive person
is wrong, bad, or harmful. It's this experience of denying, minimizing,
and invalidating somebody's emotions that is what can be very,
very dangerous. So it can actually lead us to ignore
(09:57):
real harm. So because can encourage us to minimize our
feelings and reactions to experiences, we may also encourage the
minimization of like the severity of something. And so you
think about when it comes to abuse, right, then these
people might remain in these abusive relationships because it's like, oh,
it's not so bad, or look at all the good
things he does but at least you have a partner.
(10:19):
It's like these kinds of things, like we wonder why
it's hard for some people to get out of relationships.
And I did this episode on force forgiveness a while ago,
and I talked about how sometimes we can be pushed
into this box of you must forgive, especially in religious communities. Right,
So this brings up this idea of spiritual bypassing that
I want to address really quickly while we're here, because
(10:42):
encouraging the idea of forgiveness in this space increases the
risk of people staying with things like abusive partners and
then being abused more so. Spiritual bypassing is a term
that was coined by this guy named John Wellwood, and
he describes it as a widespread tendency to use spiritual
ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues,
(11:05):
psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks. So spiritual bypassing comes
about when we use spirituality to avoid things, to avoid things,
to suppress things, to kind of escape, right, to get
away from the uncomfortable stuff we experience in life. And
a huge part of it is over emphasizing the positives
(11:27):
and avoiding negatives, so over emphasizing our blessings and trying
to avoid things that are hard in our lives, right like,
so count your blessings and all that. And this happens
in many, many religions and spiritual groups. It's not just one.
I see it a lot in Christianity because that's the
faith that I'm surrounded by the most, but it can
(11:48):
happen in any spiritual experience. And because some common examples,
just like off the top of my head as I'm
thinking about this, are things that you'll hear when like
let go and let God. Everything happens for a reason,
It's part part of God's plan, like those kinds of things.
Pray about it, Oh my gosh. Like in the Episoday
with Hannah Brentchure, like a year ago, I think, when
out in January she talked about her mental health, like well,
(12:10):
if you just would pray more, God would heal your depression.
And when we send that message it pushes people to
not ask for help, okay, and that it makes us
feel like we're bad Christians. So the more I will pray,
maybe God will will give give me the healing that
I need. And so I have to put it in
God's hands, so I can't talk about it because if
I talk about it, that means I probably haven't been
(12:31):
praying enough, and you can see how that cycle goes.
Not great. God gave us the brains we have, so
we can reach out to help and get help from
the people who have brains that know how to help
alleviate and heal some of our mental health, physical health,
all of our things. Again another conversation. I just wanted
a side step and talk about that for a second,
because this is part of that. So another way that
(12:53):
toxic positivity can be harmful is that it can encourage
someone to start believing that something's like wrong with them,
that they're defective because what they hear and what we
hear is our experience is wrong. And this can in
turn affect our self esteem. Right, so something's wrong with me.
I'm defective. And if I can't look on the bright side,
(13:14):
if I can't feel okay, or if I can't get
over this, then I might feel like I'm like failing
or failing at life feeling at being good at this,
or I am a bad Christian, I am a bad mom,
or I am a bad teacher, I am a bad
whatever it is. And then it also perpetuates this idea
that in that right, you're defective, you're weak, you're inadequate.
(13:35):
So when you feel sad, stressed, angry, hurt, when you're
in the pick of your stuff, that means you're weak
because you can't get out of it. And this will
turn into isolation because that there comes a big old
blanket of shame on top of that, and the shame
that this develops can kind of deter someone from asking
for help, especially like I was saying in that example
(13:56):
of the spiritual bypassing, like it can encourage us to
not ask for the help that we need that could
actually be the solution to this situation. And we need
our feelings, right, We need to feel our feelings because
our feelings are tools and guides and they lead us
to that connectedness, which is asking for help and getting
that need met. And this one is a big one.
(14:18):
When we create these false positive experiences, what we also
are doing is we're losing the ability to develop skills
to deal with the world and it's like actual truth
as it is, rather than deal with the world with
how we want it to be. So when we invite
the false positive and that narrative. We're living literally in
an in a manufactured and authentic world. I have a
(14:41):
tool for dealing with how I want the world to be.
I wanted to be rainbows and butterflies in the bright
side and the grass is greener, but it's not. So
then we miss out on the ability to develop skills
to actually deal with the truth that is what we
are sitting in. And then also I think it can
affect a lot of relationships in the sense that we
don't develop communication issues. So if I'm suppo to look
on the bright side and not focus on all the
(15:03):
bad things like don't nag, don't nitpick, don't choose your
battles like that kind of thing, it can actually push
us away from creating like conversations. And what I know
about conflict is that is an invitation for intimacy. And
so we are missing out on this experience to create
more intimacy, and then we're building resentment and it pushes
(15:24):
us farther from each other. Again, it removes the ability
to connect. And when it comes down to it, it's
just also very confusing. It just sends the message that
I'm wrong, my feelings are wrong like this, this meter
inside of me is off, and I shouldn't be feeling this,
but the thing is you're feeling it. So it's just
very confusing if you sit in that idea and you
(15:45):
can't just tell yourself to not feel something. It doesn't
work that way. I can't be like, hey, cat, don't
be sad, and then all of a sudden, I'm not sad.
I wish I could do that. If I didn't want
to feel sad, I would have to actively find a
way to numb or hide. If I didn't want to
just listen to the sadness and and and let that
guide me to what I need, I would have to
actively find a way to numb or hide, and I
would probably have to use in a behavior that can
(16:06):
end up being pretty harmful. And then it doesn't actually
make that feeling go away. It's a distraction and it
just pushes it to the side for a little bit.
Toxic positivity is an idea that I think came out
of a desire to do good that actually just encourages
us to deny authentic, uncomfortable feelings, even though they're very
(16:27):
much real and most of the time justified. Which speaking
of justified, let's talk about that for a second. So
there's a difference between something being justified and something being valid,
and I think what happens is often we don't want
to validate something that we think is wrong, right, So
we don't want to like validate something we don't agree with.
But validation doesn't mean we agree with something right. That
(16:51):
idea makes sense, like I don't want to encourage something
that I think is wrong or bad or this or that.
But feelings are never wrong. They literally just are. They're
just things. A feeling is alway is valid because it's
there and you have it, period, It doesn't mean it's justified.
We can validate someone's emotional experience without being like, yeah,
that's justified. You leave that at the door. Just always
(17:12):
to do here validate. The solution to toxic positivity is validation.
It's very simple, which we're going to get into and
I'm going to give you some examples of what that
sounds like. But before we do that, I do want
to take a second and talk about the difference between
like being optimistic and being toxically positive, because I think
also those get confused of like can I still be optimistic.
Can I still encourage optimism? Can I still encourage hope?
(17:35):
And the answer is yeah. The thing about optimism is
that optimistic people aren't just like happy people all the time.
Optimism involves this very real idea and belief in hope. Right, So,
hope is a thing that they hold onto. Hopefulness is
the ability to anticipate and believe in positive circumstances and
improved outcomes. That's literally, Hopefulness is the ability to anticipate
(17:58):
and believe in positive circum stances and improved outcomes. And
what we know from research this is very true is
having hope actually increases the likelihood of finding what it
is that someone wants or longs for. So hope is
something that's very helpful. Hope is very healthy. Hope is
something that we want to invite into our lives. Now, Again,
(18:19):
being optimistic does not mean someone is happy all the time.
It does not mean they look at the bright side
all of the time. What it means is that even
when joy is lacking, they have the ability to choose hope.
And you can't outright choose your feelings, you can choose hope.
And it isn't black and white that's the thing that's
I also want to remind us that. So if you
(18:40):
heard how I said that even when joy is lacking,
so what that could mean is even when there is
a lot of sadness, even when there is hurt, even
when that there is an ability to believe something different
can be present in the future. I would call myself
a very optimistic person. And I have a lot of feelings,
like a wide range. I have all the feelings. I
(19:02):
feel them all, and I don't like to, but I do.
And to be honest, this week, I have been more
sad than I have been in a really, really, really
long time, and I had to honor those feelings. I
didn't like it. I had to honor them and validate
them and sitting them and remind myself that it makes
sense that I'm experiencing, that my sadness deserved some love
and attention and some validation. And I don't think I'm
(19:23):
always going to feel this way forever. Therefore, I don't
have this initial push to be like, don't be sad,
It's gonna be okay, because, like I have this hope
in me that knows that it's not always going to
be this way. So I can honor what I'm experiencing now,
So how do you, guys, get out of this trap
or how whether it is that you do it to
yourself or you find yourself saying this to other people,
Because sitting with discomfort is hard for all of us.
(19:45):
I'm going to offer some alternatives that you can offer
to yourself and others to get out of it. And
like I said, the solution to toxic positivity is validation.
And validation does not mean I agree with everything someone
is saying. And if we could actually implant that idea
in our brain, I think this world would be very,
very different. I can validate without saying I agree with you.
(20:06):
What it means is I honor your truth is your truth,
and I honor your experience as your experience, and I
do not have the need to make my experience your experience.
There's no rationalization invalidation at all. So here are some
examples of what something may sound like when it's spread
in a toxic positivity way, and then a way to
shift and just validate. So if we look at the
(20:29):
phrase look at the bright side, you could try this
is really tough, period. That's it. And instead of saying
something like it could be worse. You could say, yeah,
that sounds like it really sucks. Is there any way
that I can support you right now? Or instead of
don't let that bother you, you can try yeah, it
(20:50):
makes sense that this affected you this way. And instead
of it's not that big of a deal, you could say,
I hear that this feels really big right now for you.
Do you want to talk about it? And it's that
of you don't need that negative energy, good vibes. Only
you could say even though I don't like admitting it,
life can be really tough sometimes. Ah, there, And so
(21:10):
we're not trying to fix anything. We're not trying to
change anything. We're trying to validate somebody and help them
own and acknowledge and respect their experience. I respect their experience.
And when I can respect my experience and honor that,
I can feel more connected. I can feel actually more
okay in that because I don't have to wonder if
(21:32):
I'm bad or wrong, and I can listen to my
feelings and hopefully allow them to guide me to what
it is that I need. So there is my little
talk on toxic positivity. It's something that is pretty hot
right now because there is a lot of stuff going
on in the world, and we don't want to feel
it all the time, and sometimes we just want to
(21:53):
be good vibes only. But the truth is that's not
the truth. So I hope this was helpful, and I
hope this felt afe to listen to rather than scary,
because my experience is that when people have been talking
about this, it felt like it's kind of scary. So
I remember, not everything is black and white, and we
can own our truth and validate other people's truths at
(22:14):
the same time. If you have any questions about this,
remember you can always email me at Catherine at you
Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can follow me on
Instagram at cat dot de fata or the podcast at
at you Need Therapy Podcast. Thank you for listening and
and being part of my little family on here, and
I hope you guys have the week you need to
have By
Hi, guys, and welcome to another new episode of You
Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and I am
the host, and today you're getting another episode of just
me talking to you guys about something that I wanted
to bring up and have a conversation with myself to
you about. If you're new to the podcast, I'm a
licensed therapist, but I always like to remind everybody quickly
(00:31):
before we get into the juice of what we will
be talking about, that this is not therapy in itself
or a placement. But the hope is maybe something that
we talk about might lead you to therapy to work
on something that's important to you. So what am I
going to talk about today? We are going to talk
about this idea or this thing called toxic positivity and
(00:54):
what is it? And what's the difference between that and optimism?
And is my positivity talks? Am I allowed to be
positive anymore? Because oh my gosh, there's all this stuff
about positivity being toxic? But I also don't want to
just sit in the ship all the time. So what
do I do? And to be honest, In the last
couple of years, this term has been brought up more
and more and more and more, and that's why I
(01:15):
want to talk about it. I hadn't even heard of
this term until a couple of years ago. Positivity was
just positivity, and it was like, well, how can being
positive be toxic? And it can be, So we're gonna
talk about that now. I am a natural optimist and
someone who believes in the power of p m A.
I've done a couple of episodes about p m A
and I find it very valuable and wholeheardly believe in
(01:37):
that concept, in that idea, and so when I first
heard that the term toxic positivity, I didn't even want
to give it the time of day. I just wanted
to be like, yeah, that's whatever. I don't want to
pay attention to that. But you know, in the end,
I kind of had to one because it is a
thing and to I'm a therapist and I have to
know these things. And that's one of the reasons that
I think this episode is important, because this is a
thing in the words being thrown out a lot, and
(01:59):
so it's keeping but from being able to show up,
I think fully, because I don't want to be called
out for that. You know, we're in this like call out, cancel, culture,
and nobody wants to be wrong, and so then we
shut parts of ourselves off. And I'm inviting you to
turn those parts of you back on. And toxic positivity
is not the same thing as being optimistic, and optimism
and positivity have a beautiful place in the world. I
(02:22):
also think it's important because when we hear the word toxic,
I think we automatically think bad, which totally makes sense.
But I also think that there are a lot of
people who are spreading and engaging in toxic positivity that
aren't actually bad, and they are on bad intentions. They
are just doing what they think is right and probably
what they've been taught and surrounded by. And I get
(02:43):
this like weird, like blaming vibe from content around toxic positivity,
And again it's a harmful thing. I'm not pro toxic positivity.
But to alleviate this problem isn't to create a icky
vibe around it. It's to offer feedback and educate ourselves
about it. You know, we can't know until we know. Therefore,
today we're going to get into the now. So in
(03:06):
simple terms, let's talk about what toxic positivity is. It
is when authentic feelings, like real authentic feelings get dismissed
by yourself or other people by basically being coerced into
looking at the bright side. Right, So it involves dismissing
feelings that are perceived as negative and responding to distress
with false reassurance rather than like empathy and real connection.
(03:28):
It has, like unconsciously, its roots in the idea that
feelings are either good or bad, and it invites this
idea that morality lives within feelings and they're like feelings
are these moral things when they're not. Feelings are feelings.
So being positive has been kind of connected to moral
rightness or moral correctness, and that means a lot of
(03:48):
us judge ourselves for feeling emotions that are seen as negative,
and so we have to pull back and realize that, like,
wait a second, emotions aren't negative and positive. They are
they are not good or bad. There's no moral nous
around fee Lanes. If I have taught you guys, anything,
it is that feelings are not good or bad. Like
that is just something that I harp on over and
over because it's such an important truth. They just are period.
(04:10):
They are tools and helpful guys, and they help lead
us to where we need to go and what we
need to ask for and what we need to create.
And they may not feel good, right, They might be
might be uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean they are morally
wrong or bad or we shouldn't have them and we
should have other ones. So the pressure to spread um
and engage in toxic positivity, it's I get it, Like,
(04:32):
if you really sit down and think about it, it
makes sense. It comes from feeling uncomfortable with emotions. It
comes from being uncomfy, and we're when we're uncomfy, it
makes sense that we would want to not be uncomfortable
and alleviate that. So, like I said, it's often very
well intentioned. We just want to feel better, or we
want to help somebody else feel better, or we want
to make somebody else feel better, so then we feel better. Right,
(04:53):
So we're caring for ourselves by acting like we're caring
for somebody else. But what that really can do is
cause like a lot of alienation and feeling of disconnection
when really, in those moments, when we have those uncomfortable feelings,
what we really need is connection, and this does the opposite.
So there's this woman named Susan David and she has
an awesome ted talk that I recommend listening to, and
she describes this kind of idea in her ted talk
(05:16):
as having dead people's goals, which I think is such.
I mean, it was funny when I heard it, and
it's funny when I think about it, because only dead
people never feel unwanted or never get disappointed, or never
feel uncomfortable. They only dead people never get stressed or
have their heartbroken. Tough emotions are just part of what
she calls our contract with life. And she says discomfort
(05:36):
is the price of admission for a meaningful life, and
I just think that that is so true, right, So
I'm gonna say it again. Discomfort is the price of
admission for a meaningful life. Meaning if I want a meaningful,
good saturated life, I have to be willing to sit
in discomfort. I have to be willing to feel a
(05:59):
range of emotions. And if I'm not, I am contracting
to a less meaningful life. Okay, so let's talk about
what toxic positivity can sound like now that we know
what it is. Because I think again, because this is
so well intentioned. Sometimes we don't think what we're saying
is that, but it actually is. So I'm gonna give
you some basic phrases and some examples and you can
(06:22):
be like, oh I do that all the time, or
oh yeah, I really don't like when people do that.
I understand that now, So phrases like good vibes only
look on the bright side. Yes, but you have so
much to be grateful for. Don't let that blank, right,
So don't let that make you cry, or don't let
that get you down, or don't let that whatever it is,
it's not that bad. Other people have it worse, or
(06:45):
this one everything happens for a reason. I hate that.
I really do hate. I also don't believe that everything
happens for a reason, but that's another conversation. So some
examples of sometimes what this looks like in an experience
would be like somebody who is is struggling getting pregnant, right,
maybe they had a miscarriage or something, and somebody says, well,
(07:06):
at least you were able to get pregnant. It's like, okay,
so I can't I can't be sad then, because at
least I can do that. Or when something super bad happens,
like there's a correct or maybe you lose your job
or you have a breakup and somebody says like, well,
everything happens for a reason, and it's like, okay, that's
not helpful because it feels very icky and I feel
like I'm being punished and why would I be being
(07:28):
punished right? Or now? Am I being ungrateful and not
staying in line with my faith and my religion because
I'm mad that this happened, But it's part of God's plan, right.
This can look like telling somebody who's grieving something to like,
just look at the positive things in their life they
still have, Like maybe somebody's a parent died, and they're like, well,
(07:50):
focus on the parent that you do have, And it's like, okay, okay,
it seems off, but if that's what I'm supposed to do,
I guess. And then again it comes with this like
rush of my being ungrateful because I have a parent.
And honestly, I think this one is kind of confusing.
But when we label people who like and look at
people who look happy all the time and and have
this like essence of positivity as stronger or like, I guess,
(08:13):
more likable, um, that is a form of toxic positivity,
Like you're stronger because you can be more happy, but
is that what strength looks like? So those are just
some examples of what that can look like in in life.
And I'm sure some of you guys out there have
been like, yeah, I've been told that or I've experienced that,
are like, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And
again you can see in these examples with toxic positivity
(08:33):
that negative emotions where what has been being labeled as
negative emotions. Right, So emotions that aren't comfortable or being
labeled as negative emotions, they're seen as inherently bad, so
we shouldn't have them. So by somebody saying don't feel
that or it could be worse, trying to alleviate that
hurt or sadness or any of that, it's sending the
message that those things are bad and you shouldn't feel them.
(08:54):
And when these quote unquote like positive ideas or phrases
are are pushed towards something, the real experience somebody is
having is being denied. Their experience is being minimized like
it's not so bad, and they're just being invalidated, which
really can when we're invalidated, it actually really does affect
us because sometimes we aren't sitting there being like, oh
(09:14):
I feel invalidated. We're sitting there and saying to ourselves,
oh I'm wrong. Right, there's not always that connection of
like they're invalidating me, but this feels valid. There comes
this part of me that's like, oh, I'm wrong for
feeling this. So a number of problems arise from toxic positivity,
and we're gonna talk about it too. And it can
(09:36):
be confusing because why would it be bad to be positive?
And why would it be bad to look at the
bright side? And again, I want you to hear this.
I don't think being optimistic and being a positive person
is wrong, bad, or harmful. It's this experience of denying, minimizing,
and invalidating somebody's emotions that is what can be very,
very dangerous. So it can actually lead us to ignore
(09:57):
real harm. So because can encourage us to minimize our
feelings and reactions to experiences, we may also encourage the
minimization of like the severity of something. And so you
think about when it comes to abuse, right, then these
people might remain in these abusive relationships because it's like, oh,
it's not so bad, or look at all the good
things he does but at least you have a partner.
(10:19):
It's like these kinds of things, like we wonder why
it's hard for some people to get out of relationships.
And I did this episode on force forgiveness a while ago,
and I talked about how sometimes we can be pushed
into this box of you must forgive, especially in religious communities. Right,
So this brings up this idea of spiritual bypassing that
I want to address really quickly while we're here, because
(10:42):
encouraging the idea of forgiveness in this space increases the
risk of people staying with things like abusive partners and
then being abused more so. Spiritual bypassing is a term
that was coined by this guy named John Wellwood, and
he describes it as a widespread tendency to use spiritual
ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues,
(11:05):
psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks. So spiritual bypassing comes
about when we use spirituality to avoid things, to avoid things,
to suppress things, to kind of escape, right, to get
away from the uncomfortable stuff we experience in life. And
a huge part of it is over emphasizing the positives
(11:27):
and avoiding negatives, so over emphasizing our blessings and trying
to avoid things that are hard in our lives, right like,
so count your blessings and all that. And this happens
in many, many religions and spiritual groups. It's not just one.
I see it a lot in Christianity because that's the
faith that I'm surrounded by the most, but it can
(11:48):
happen in any spiritual experience. And because some common examples,
just like off the top of my head as I'm
thinking about this, are things that you'll hear when like
let go and let God. Everything happens for a reason,
It's part part of God's plan, like those kinds of things.
Pray about it, Oh my gosh. Like in the Episoday
with Hannah Brentchure, like a year ago, I think, when
out in January she talked about her mental health, like well,
(12:10):
if you just would pray more, God would heal your depression.
And when we send that message it pushes people to
not ask for help, okay, and that it makes us
feel like we're bad Christians. So the more I will pray,
maybe God will will give give me the healing that
I need. And so I have to put it in
God's hands, so I can't talk about it because if
I talk about it, that means I probably haven't been
(12:31):
praying enough, and you can see how that cycle goes.
Not great. God gave us the brains we have, so
we can reach out to help and get help from
the people who have brains that know how to help
alleviate and heal some of our mental health, physical health,
all of our things. Again another conversation. I just wanted
a side step and talk about that for a second,
because this is part of that. So another way that
(12:53):
toxic positivity can be harmful is that it can encourage
someone to start believing that something's like wrong with them,
that they're defective because what they hear and what we
hear is our experience is wrong. And this can in
turn affect our self esteem. Right, so something's wrong with me.
I'm defective. And if I can't look on the bright side,
(13:14):
if I can't feel okay, or if I can't get
over this, then I might feel like I'm like failing
or failing at life feeling at being good at this,
or I am a bad Christian, I am a bad mom,
or I am a bad teacher, I am a bad
whatever it is. And then it also perpetuates this idea
that in that right, you're defective, you're weak, you're inadequate.
(13:35):
So when you feel sad, stressed, angry, hurt, when you're
in the pick of your stuff, that means you're weak
because you can't get out of it. And this will
turn into isolation because that there comes a big old
blanket of shame on top of that, and the shame
that this develops can kind of deter someone from asking
for help, especially like I was saying in that example
(13:56):
of the spiritual bypassing, like it can encourage us to
not ask for the help that we need that could
actually be the solution to this situation. And we need
our feelings, right, We need to feel our feelings because
our feelings are tools and guides and they lead us
to that connectedness, which is asking for help and getting
that need met. And this one is a big one.
(14:18):
When we create these false positive experiences, what we also
are doing is we're losing the ability to develop skills
to deal with the world and it's like actual truth
as it is, rather than deal with the world with
how we want it to be. So when we invite
the false positive and that narrative. We're living literally in
an in a manufactured and authentic world. I have a
(14:41):
tool for dealing with how I want the world to be.
I wanted to be rainbows and butterflies in the bright
side and the grass is greener, but it's not. So
then we miss out on the ability to develop skills
to actually deal with the truth that is what we
are sitting in. And then also I think it can
affect a lot of relationships in the sense that we
don't develop communication issues. So if I'm suppo to look
on the bright side and not focus on all the
(15:03):
bad things like don't nag, don't nitpick, don't choose your
battles like that kind of thing, it can actually push
us away from creating like conversations. And what I know
about conflict is that is an invitation for intimacy. And
so we are missing out on this experience to create
more intimacy, and then we're building resentment and it pushes
(15:24):
us farther from each other. Again, it removes the ability
to connect. And when it comes down to it, it's
just also very confusing. It just sends the message that
I'm wrong, my feelings are wrong like this, this meter
inside of me is off, and I shouldn't be feeling this,
but the thing is you're feeling it. So it's just
very confusing if you sit in that idea and you
(15:45):
can't just tell yourself to not feel something. It doesn't
work that way. I can't be like, hey, cat, don't
be sad, and then all of a sudden, I'm not sad.
I wish I could do that. If I didn't want
to feel sad, I would have to actively find a
way to numb or hide. If I didn't want to
just listen to the sadness and and and let that
guide me to what I need, I would have to
actively find a way to numb or hide, and I
would probably have to use in a behavior that can
(16:06):
end up being pretty harmful. And then it doesn't actually
make that feeling go away. It's a distraction and it
just pushes it to the side for a little bit.
Toxic positivity is an idea that I think came out
of a desire to do good that actually just encourages
us to deny authentic, uncomfortable feelings, even though they're very
(16:27):
much real and most of the time justified. Which speaking
of justified, let's talk about that for a second. So
there's a difference between something being justified and something being valid,
and I think what happens is often we don't want
to validate something that we think is wrong, right, So
we don't want to like validate something we don't agree with.
But validation doesn't mean we agree with something right. That
(16:51):
idea makes sense, like I don't want to encourage something
that I think is wrong or bad or this or that.
But feelings are never wrong. They literally just are. They're
just things. A feeling is alway is valid because it's
there and you have it, period, It doesn't mean it's justified.
We can validate someone's emotional experience without being like, yeah,
that's justified. You leave that at the door. Just always
(17:12):
to do here validate. The solution to toxic positivity is validation.
It's very simple, which we're going to get into and
I'm going to give you some examples of what that
sounds like. But before we do that, I do want
to take a second and talk about the difference between
like being optimistic and being toxically positive, because I think
also those get confused of like can I still be optimistic.
Can I still encourage optimism? Can I still encourage hope?
(17:35):
And the answer is yeah. The thing about optimism is
that optimistic people aren't just like happy people all the time.
Optimism involves this very real idea and belief in hope. Right, So,
hope is a thing that they hold onto. Hopefulness is
the ability to anticipate and believe in positive circumstances and
improved outcomes. That's literally, Hopefulness is the ability to anticipate
(17:58):
and believe in positive circum stances and improved outcomes. And
what we know from research this is very true is
having hope actually increases the likelihood of finding what it
is that someone wants or longs for. So hope is
something that's very helpful. Hope is very healthy. Hope is
something that we want to invite into our lives. Now, Again,
(18:19):
being optimistic does not mean someone is happy all the time.
It does not mean they look at the bright side
all of the time. What it means is that even
when joy is lacking, they have the ability to choose hope.
And you can't outright choose your feelings, you can choose hope.
And it isn't black and white that's the thing that's
I also want to remind us that. So if you
(18:40):
heard how I said that even when joy is lacking,
so what that could mean is even when there is
a lot of sadness, even when there is hurt, even
when that there is an ability to believe something different
can be present in the future. I would call myself
a very optimistic person. And I have a lot of feelings,
like a wide range. I have all the feelings. I
(19:02):
feel them all, and I don't like to, but I do.
And to be honest, this week, I have been more
sad than I have been in a really, really, really
long time, and I had to honor those feelings. I
didn't like it. I had to honor them and validate
them and sitting them and remind myself that it makes
sense that I'm experiencing, that my sadness deserved some love
and attention and some validation. And I don't think I'm
(19:23):
always going to feel this way forever. Therefore, I don't
have this initial push to be like, don't be sad,
It's gonna be okay, because, like I have this hope
in me that knows that it's not always going to
be this way. So I can honor what I'm experiencing now,
So how do you, guys, get out of this trap
or how whether it is that you do it to
yourself or you find yourself saying this to other people,
Because sitting with discomfort is hard for all of us.
(19:45):
I'm going to offer some alternatives that you can offer
to yourself and others to get out of it. And
like I said, the solution to toxic positivity is validation.
And validation does not mean I agree with everything someone
is saying. And if we could actually implant that idea
in our brain, I think this world would be very,
very different. I can validate without saying I agree with you.
(20:06):
What it means is I honor your truth is your truth,
and I honor your experience as your experience, and I
do not have the need to make my experience your experience.
There's no rationalization invalidation at all. So here are some
examples of what something may sound like when it's spread
in a toxic positivity way, and then a way to
shift and just validate. So if we look at the
(20:29):
phrase look at the bright side, you could try this
is really tough, period. That's it. And instead of saying
something like it could be worse. You could say, yeah,
that sounds like it really sucks. Is there any way
that I can support you right now? Or instead of
don't let that bother you, you can try yeah, it
(20:50):
makes sense that this affected you this way. And instead
of it's not that big of a deal, you could say,
I hear that this feels really big right now for you.
Do you want to talk about it? And it's that
of you don't need that negative energy, good vibes. Only
you could say even though I don't like admitting it,
life can be really tough sometimes. Ah, there, And so
(21:10):
we're not trying to fix anything. We're not trying to
change anything. We're trying to validate somebody and help them
own and acknowledge and respect their experience. I respect their experience.
And when I can respect my experience and honor that,
I can feel more connected. I can feel actually more
okay in that because I don't have to wonder if
(21:32):
I'm bad or wrong, and I can listen to my
feelings and hopefully allow them to guide me to what
it is that I need. So there is my little
talk on toxic positivity. It's something that is pretty hot
right now because there is a lot of stuff going
on in the world, and we don't want to feel
it all the time, and sometimes we just want to
(21:53):
be good vibes only. But the truth is that's not
the truth. So I hope this was helpful, and I
hope this felt afe to listen to rather than scary,
because my experience is that when people have been talking
about this, it felt like it's kind of scary. So
I remember, not everything is black and white, and we
can own our truth and validate other people's truths at
(22:14):
the same time. If you have any questions about this,
remember you can always email me at Catherine at you
Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can follow me on
Instagram at cat dot de fata or the podcast at
at you Need Therapy Podcast. Thank you for listening and
and being part of my little family on here, and
I hope you guys have the week you need to
have By
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