May 11, 2023 • 15 mins
Nedra responds to a caller whose family member is causing unnecessary drama and helps her navigate how to respond without igniting the flame of toxicity further.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nadra Glover Towab and you
need to hear this. This week, we'll be talking about
a high drama family situation. When we come from situations
that have lots of drama, there's a belief that chaos
is a part of relationships. Getting those relationships to a
(00:26):
healthier place, especially when it's family, can take a lot
of energy out of us and it impacts other relationships.
The good part is we have so many choices and
we get to decide how we want to show up
in relationships. When the drama in our family is people
(00:49):
overstepping and asking questions that we aren't prepared to answer,
it's really important to know that we are in control
of the narrative and just because someone asks us a
question or they have an opinion, it doesn't mean that
we have to take that information and use it in
(01:09):
our lives. And we don't have to answer every question
that's asked. I know you're wondering how do I do that?
I think a really big part of it is deciding
which questions you don't want to respond to. You know,
the people who will always ask you about dating, the
people who will always ask you about what's next, and
(01:30):
when you know in advance how the conversation will go,
you can choose to have like an automated response to say,
you know, maybe I don't want to talk about what's
next because I'm still figuring it out or dating is
a difficult topic for me. How do you respond when
you know this person is going to say something? So
(01:52):
let's get into the letter for this week. Just realize
how toxic my hon is. She likes to ask the inappropriate,
probing questions, make me feel uncomfortable, and always causing or
talking about drama. She talks behind people's backs and is
very self centered. Possibly a narcissist or in that realm?
(02:17):
What is a narcissist? I hear this word thrown around
so much, so often. I was reading something online a
few weeks ago and it was a celebrities post and
in the comments someone said, this person is a narcissist,
and I thought that was really interesting because we didn't
have enough information to diagnose a person. When we're using
(02:42):
the word narcissus, we're talking about I think we're talking
about a high drama person when there are other things
that might go along with that label. So be careful
not to see them only as the thing that you
think they are, but to think about them as a person.
When I think about causing a lot of drama, I
(03:03):
think about how hard it must be in their own
lives to see themselves, and how they only can see
other people and their situations and drama. They are unable
to have a level of discernment about how they add
to situations or who they are in situations. So with family,
(03:25):
sometimes we do see narcissism. Sometimes we do see, you know,
maybe gaslighting. But if we could stick to the person
and the description of the behaviors, it can be a
little bit easier to address the problem with people. After
a vacation with her and my cousin, I realized it
was too much their toxic relationship. She talks poorly of
(03:48):
her daughter to everyone, and my cousin caused major drama
on vacation. I pull it back my way of not
confronting directly. It's been months and I am better and
at ease, no drama. My sister and I are sure
our aunt thinks she is the one not talking to
us due to vacation drama, but it's the opposite. My
(04:11):
aunt recently sent me a text message saying she missed
me and loved me, and it has been a long
time since we talked. It was timely as my other cousin,
her other daughter was coming to visit me. I know
this was a manipulative move on her end to somehow
insert herself. My cousin did say she has no friends
(04:32):
due to her toxic behavior. I hear a few things here.
I hear that your aunt is not only impacting the
relationship with you, but also the relationship with your sister,
her daughter, and I'm sure other family members. When this
is the case, it is easy for us to gang
(04:52):
up on this person and to maybe do it as
a way of receiving some support, to do it as
way to be in community around what we're going through.
It's helpful and it's also harmful. Your relationship with your
aunt is personal. It is one on one, and although
many people have issues with her, your issue is unique.
(05:17):
I wonder if she would understand the situation if it
was clearly stated to her your overall problem, not just
the situation on vacation. How did you respond to that text?
Sometimes no response to people. They're able to create their
(05:37):
own story and It's okay for us to not want
to be in relationship with people, but is it okay
for us to continue carrying that energy When we're talking
about it with you know, maybe your sister and her
daughter and other family members. It doesn't seem like you've
released the whole the relationship has on you, So it
(06:00):
may be helpful for you to at minimum, you know,
checking in with yourself to see what you still feel
about the situation, what resolution might look like. It might
not look like rekindling that relationship with your aunt, but
it could be you really saying I feel betrayed, I
feel hurt that my aunt is not acting like an elder.
(06:24):
I feel upset because she is saying things about me
and other people that may not be true. You don't
need that validation in that community support because what you're
feeling is real. You have many examples of what's happening,
So I'd encourage you to have your relationships focused on
(06:44):
you and not just that drama, because I'd hate for
you to create a situation where there is more drama
based on what's said between you and other people in
the family. I like to go back to the portion
of the letter where you say it's been months and
I am better and at ease, no drama. Sometimes when
(07:04):
we're leaving these high conflict, high chaos relationships, it feels
better to be out of them, and then there's this
retriggering when the person texts you or you know, all
the other people in the relationship start to talk about
the situation, you're retriggered. So to maintain that piece, I wonder,
(07:26):
how can you really get away from a situation. It
may not just be having you know, some protective boundaries
with your aunt, but also your sister, also your cousin,
and letting them know that I'm trying to be at
ease with this relationship and I don't want to constantly
talk about my aunt or I'm trying to be at
(07:46):
ease with this relationship, and I understand she's still doing
things to other people, but I prefer not to hear
about it. So it's not just about creating those boundaries
in your relationship with your aunt, but also letting other
family members know that you're really trying to maintain that piece,
and so you may not want to hear about what's
(08:08):
happening with other family members. There are times when it's
hopeful for us to have a direct conversation with someone,
and there are other times where we may risk being
injured because they're not prepared to have that conversation. You
will have to discern if this is a person that
you can speak to about these issues, or if this
(08:29):
is something that you need to work through on your
own with your aunt because she likes the drama and
the chaos. Do you want to go to her with
this information and tell her exactly why you stop talking
to her? Do you want her to continue in her
own conclusions about the situation. Could it be something maybe
(08:50):
short and sweet that you say, maybe a text she
texts you. Maybe you respond in text and say, hey,
I haven't talked to you in a while, and it's
about more or than vacation. There are things in this
relationship that just doesn't work for me. There are so
many ways to have, you know, maybe that conversation without
(09:11):
creating more drama. I've certainly in high conflict situations responded
to a text with a very direct sentence about where
I am with the relationship. Because there are some people
who cause further harm. They will try to get you
to change your mind about the situation. They will try
(09:31):
to change the details in the situation, and it can
be more harmful than helpful to have those conversations with
people who are not interested in repairing and healing. We'll
revisit this after our next break. So your first question
(09:56):
was do I call her or text her back? You
know when if people text us, I think that's a
wonderful way to respond in the mode in which we
were contacted. So it's okay to text someone and to
say something again very short, very clear, and direct. The
challenge with texting sometimes is we'll get into text arguments.
(10:19):
We'll be there for eight hours, we'll go back and forth,
and you have a lot of power in the situation
to send one or two texts and just say something,
and if she continues to respond, you can stop. You
don't have to have the conversation via text. If you
feel that you want to call her and hear her
(10:39):
voice and let her hear your voice, you can do
that as well. I know that with texting sometimes there's
so much stuff now like don't argue via text, and
I think that's true in most cases, but it's not
a one size fits all approach. There are some people
who you can't have a face to face conversation with
(11:00):
or even call to talk through things, because they don't
have the language and they may be very hurtful. So
if text is what feels best, go ahead and text
your aunt back. You want to know how to navigate
this situation in a healthy way. I mentioned a few
(11:20):
things earlier about protecting your mental space around this, and
that could look like again, you know, not having everyone
talk to you about the situation, also not rehashing the
situation with lots of other people in the family. There
may be times where you want to talk through what happened,
process your pain, and that's okay, but certainly monitor when
(11:44):
it's starting to be a predominant part of your conversations
with other people. You can also know that you know
your aunt. It sounds like, if this is the pattern
that she has, you know, with her own child, with you,
with other family members, that she is already struggling with
a lot of pain, perhaps some that she's not ready
(12:06):
to tap into yet. And so I wonder if there's
some compassion that you can have for her in her situation.
You can be compassionate and not want to deal with her.
It's not like I have to be compassionate and be
in relationship. You can be compassionate and say, oh, how
hurt she must be to inflict this level of pain.
(12:29):
And for you, you know, there's a lot of family
history from what I see around gossiping. You know, how
do you want to break the cycle? How do you
want to be a more healthy person in your family?
That can start with figuring out how you might contribute
to drama, figuring out ways to be more clear in
(12:49):
your communication with people, really starting to curate relationships with
those family members who have a similar sense of being
in relationships. That can be a really healthy way to
move forward in your relationship with yourself and with other
family members. When I first saw this letter, I said, oh,
(13:13):
my gosh, is she talking about my aunt and my cousin?
Because this felt familiar. I think so many of us
can identify with some level of drama in our families,
and it's important that we are not perpetuating and it's
important that we are clear about what the issues are.
(13:37):
So these type of letters are always really exciting to
me because it shows we have now noticed the unhealthy
patterns and we're ready to address them. You need to
hear this, my friend Alex said, dysfunctional relationships are not
(13:58):
your resting place. To add to that, chaos is not
your resting place. There are so many of us who
within our families there is chaos and we feel like
because it's the norm, that it is acceptable, that is
something we have to tolerate. But you have a choice.
(14:21):
You can decide to be a part of the chaos
or you can step away from it. And it's not
always leaving the relationship. It can be changing the way
you show up in the relationship being the advocate for
low chaos. Hey, I don't want to hear about that.
Please don't tell me anymore. Ooh, sound like you're going
down the wrong path. You have the option to be
(14:43):
the change that you wish to see in your family.
You need to hear. This is an iHeart production hosted
by me Nedra Glover to wib Our. Executive producer is
Joe el Bodique. Our senior producer and editor is me
Don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions
(15:03):
about boundaries and relationships at You need to hear this
at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate our
show wherever you listen to it and share this episode
with someone who needs to hear this. Talk to you
next time.
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nadra Glover Towab and you
need to hear this. This week, we'll be talking about
a high drama family situation. When we come from situations
that have lots of drama, there's a belief that chaos
is a part of relationships. Getting those relationships to a
(00:26):
healthier place, especially when it's family, can take a lot
of energy out of us and it impacts other relationships.
The good part is we have so many choices and
we get to decide how we want to show up
in relationships. When the drama in our family is people
(00:49):
overstepping and asking questions that we aren't prepared to answer,
it's really important to know that we are in control
of the narrative and just because someone asks us a
question or they have an opinion, it doesn't mean that
we have to take that information and use it in
(01:09):
our lives. And we don't have to answer every question
that's asked. I know you're wondering how do I do that?
I think a really big part of it is deciding
which questions you don't want to respond to. You know,
the people who will always ask you about dating, the
people who will always ask you about what's next, and
(01:30):
when you know in advance how the conversation will go,
you can choose to have like an automated response to say,
you know, maybe I don't want to talk about what's
next because I'm still figuring it out or dating is
a difficult topic for me. How do you respond when
you know this person is going to say something? So
(01:52):
let's get into the letter for this week. Just realize
how toxic my hon is. She likes to ask the inappropriate,
probing questions, make me feel uncomfortable, and always causing or
talking about drama. She talks behind people's backs and is
very self centered. Possibly a narcissist or in that realm?
(02:17):
What is a narcissist? I hear this word thrown around
so much, so often. I was reading something online a
few weeks ago and it was a celebrities post and
in the comments someone said, this person is a narcissist,
and I thought that was really interesting because we didn't
have enough information to diagnose a person. When we're using
(02:42):
the word narcissus, we're talking about I think we're talking
about a high drama person when there are other things
that might go along with that label. So be careful
not to see them only as the thing that you
think they are, but to think about them as a person.
When I think about causing a lot of drama, I
(03:03):
think about how hard it must be in their own
lives to see themselves, and how they only can see
other people and their situations and drama. They are unable
to have a level of discernment about how they add
to situations or who they are in situations. So with family,
(03:25):
sometimes we do see narcissism. Sometimes we do see, you know,
maybe gaslighting. But if we could stick to the person
and the description of the behaviors, it can be a
little bit easier to address the problem with people. After
a vacation with her and my cousin, I realized it
was too much their toxic relationship. She talks poorly of
(03:48):
her daughter to everyone, and my cousin caused major drama
on vacation. I pull it back my way of not
confronting directly. It's been months and I am better and
at ease, no drama. My sister and I are sure
our aunt thinks she is the one not talking to
us due to vacation drama, but it's the opposite. My
(04:11):
aunt recently sent me a text message saying she missed
me and loved me, and it has been a long
time since we talked. It was timely as my other cousin,
her other daughter was coming to visit me. I know
this was a manipulative move on her end to somehow
insert herself. My cousin did say she has no friends
(04:32):
due to her toxic behavior. I hear a few things here.
I hear that your aunt is not only impacting the
relationship with you, but also the relationship with your sister,
her daughter, and I'm sure other family members. When this
is the case, it is easy for us to gang
(04:52):
up on this person and to maybe do it as
a way of receiving some support, to do it as
way to be in community around what we're going through.
It's helpful and it's also harmful. Your relationship with your
aunt is personal. It is one on one, and although
many people have issues with her, your issue is unique.
(05:17):
I wonder if she would understand the situation if it
was clearly stated to her your overall problem, not just
the situation on vacation. How did you respond to that text?
Sometimes no response to people. They're able to create their
(05:37):
own story and It's okay for us to not want
to be in relationship with people, but is it okay
for us to continue carrying that energy When we're talking
about it with you know, maybe your sister and her
daughter and other family members. It doesn't seem like you've
released the whole the relationship has on you, So it
(06:00):
may be helpful for you to at minimum, you know,
checking in with yourself to see what you still feel
about the situation, what resolution might look like. It might
not look like rekindling that relationship with your aunt, but
it could be you really saying I feel betrayed, I
feel hurt that my aunt is not acting like an elder.
(06:24):
I feel upset because she is saying things about me
and other people that may not be true. You don't
need that validation in that community support because what you're
feeling is real. You have many examples of what's happening,
So I'd encourage you to have your relationships focused on
(06:44):
you and not just that drama, because I'd hate for
you to create a situation where there is more drama
based on what's said between you and other people in
the family. I like to go back to the portion
of the letter where you say it's been months and
I am better and at ease, no drama. Sometimes when
(07:04):
we're leaving these high conflict, high chaos relationships, it feels
better to be out of them, and then there's this
retriggering when the person texts you or you know, all
the other people in the relationship start to talk about
the situation, you're retriggered. So to maintain that piece, I wonder,
(07:26):
how can you really get away from a situation. It
may not just be having you know, some protective boundaries
with your aunt, but also your sister, also your cousin,
and letting them know that I'm trying to be at
ease with this relationship and I don't want to constantly
talk about my aunt or I'm trying to be at
(07:46):
ease with this relationship, and I understand she's still doing
things to other people, but I prefer not to hear
about it. So it's not just about creating those boundaries
in your relationship with your aunt, but also letting other
family members know that you're really trying to maintain that piece,
and so you may not want to hear about what's
(08:08):
happening with other family members. There are times when it's
hopeful for us to have a direct conversation with someone,
and there are other times where we may risk being
injured because they're not prepared to have that conversation. You
will have to discern if this is a person that
you can speak to about these issues, or if this
(08:29):
is something that you need to work through on your
own with your aunt because she likes the drama and
the chaos. Do you want to go to her with
this information and tell her exactly why you stop talking
to her? Do you want her to continue in her
own conclusions about the situation. Could it be something maybe
(08:50):
short and sweet that you say, maybe a text she
texts you. Maybe you respond in text and say, hey,
I haven't talked to you in a while, and it's
about more or than vacation. There are things in this
relationship that just doesn't work for me. There are so
many ways to have, you know, maybe that conversation without
(09:11):
creating more drama. I've certainly in high conflict situations responded
to a text with a very direct sentence about where
I am with the relationship. Because there are some people
who cause further harm. They will try to get you
to change your mind about the situation. They will try
(09:31):
to change the details in the situation, and it can
be more harmful than helpful to have those conversations with
people who are not interested in repairing and healing. We'll
revisit this after our next break. So your first question
(09:56):
was do I call her or text her back? You
know when if people text us, I think that's a
wonderful way to respond in the mode in which we
were contacted. So it's okay to text someone and to
say something again very short, very clear, and direct. The
challenge with texting sometimes is we'll get into text arguments.
(10:19):
We'll be there for eight hours, we'll go back and forth,
and you have a lot of power in the situation
to send one or two texts and just say something,
and if she continues to respond, you can stop. You
don't have to have the conversation via text. If you
feel that you want to call her and hear her
(10:39):
voice and let her hear your voice, you can do
that as well. I know that with texting sometimes there's
so much stuff now like don't argue via text, and
I think that's true in most cases, but it's not
a one size fits all approach. There are some people
who you can't have a face to face conversation with
(11:00):
or even call to talk through things, because they don't
have the language and they may be very hurtful. So
if text is what feels best, go ahead and text
your aunt back. You want to know how to navigate
this situation in a healthy way. I mentioned a few
(11:20):
things earlier about protecting your mental space around this, and
that could look like again, you know, not having everyone
talk to you about the situation, also not rehashing the
situation with lots of other people in the family. There
may be times where you want to talk through what happened,
process your pain, and that's okay, but certainly monitor when
(11:44):
it's starting to be a predominant part of your conversations
with other people. You can also know that you know
your aunt. It sounds like, if this is the pattern
that she has, you know, with her own child, with you,
with other family members, that she is already struggling with
a lot of pain, perhaps some that she's not ready
(12:06):
to tap into yet. And so I wonder if there's
some compassion that you can have for her in her situation.
You can be compassionate and not want to deal with her.
It's not like I have to be compassionate and be
in relationship. You can be compassionate and say, oh, how
hurt she must be to inflict this level of pain.
(12:29):
And for you, you know, there's a lot of family
history from what I see around gossiping. You know, how
do you want to break the cycle? How do you
want to be a more healthy person in your family?
That can start with figuring out how you might contribute
to drama, figuring out ways to be more clear in
(12:49):
your communication with people, really starting to curate relationships with
those family members who have a similar sense of being
in relationships. That can be a really healthy way to
move forward in your relationship with yourself and with other
family members. When I first saw this letter, I said, oh,
(13:13):
my gosh, is she talking about my aunt and my cousin?
Because this felt familiar. I think so many of us
can identify with some level of drama in our families,
and it's important that we are not perpetuating and it's
important that we are clear about what the issues are.
(13:37):
So these type of letters are always really exciting to
me because it shows we have now noticed the unhealthy
patterns and we're ready to address them. You need to
hear this, my friend Alex said, dysfunctional relationships are not
(13:58):
your resting place. To add to that, chaos is not
your resting place. There are so many of us who
within our families there is chaos and we feel like
because it's the norm, that it is acceptable, that is
something we have to tolerate. But you have a choice.
(14:21):
You can decide to be a part of the chaos
or you can step away from it. And it's not
always leaving the relationship. It can be changing the way
you show up in the relationship being the advocate for
low chaos. Hey, I don't want to hear about that.
Please don't tell me anymore. Ooh, sound like you're going
down the wrong path. You have the option to be
(14:43):
the change that you wish to see in your family.
You need to hear. This is an iHeart production hosted
by me Nedra Glover to wib Our. Executive producer is
Joe el Bodique. Our senior producer and editor is me
Don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions
(15:03):
about boundaries and relationships at You need to hear this
at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate our
show wherever you listen to it and share this episode
with someone who needs to hear this. Talk to you
next time.
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