April 11, 2024 • 28 mins
This week, a caller is having trouble moving forward in a relationship that has been altered by the loss of its "buffer person." Nedra discusses how the circumstances of a relationship can change in an instant and how to navigate the new terms and conditions.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Needrick Glover to wib and
you need to hear this. I remember my grandmother past gosh.
I must have been in fourth grade, and her loss
in the family created so many shifts and relationships. It's
(00:23):
often alarming how much someone is the glue and we
not know it. Before that grandmother passed. That was, you know,
my mom's mom. My father's mom died a few years
before that. And I hear people saying how much things
were never the same. These relationships were almost maintained or
(00:46):
buffered by this other person being there. I have a
really funny memory, We'll not funny, but a really interesting
memory around this time. So my family is from Tuskegee, Alabama,
and when my grandmother passed, we went from Detroit to
tusky Yee, Alabama for her funeral service, and my grandfather
(01:08):
was there. And I swear to you, mind you, I'm
like in fourth grade. It felt like the first time
meeting my grandfather. I don't even remember him before this point.
Now you're talking about a person who spent summers in Alabama,
whose grandparents would come visit. But it was like I
had no recollection of his personality. Because my grandmother was
(01:33):
this figure that really owned the space, the person that
I had like this relationship with, and when she left,
it was like, oh my gosh, like there's someone else
who lives here. How didn't I notice this? I mean,
it seems so weird to be able to have such
a powerful figure in our life and our families that
(01:54):
when this person passes away, we start to, you know,
maybe notice other relationships or even pull away from those
relationships because they created like this buffering effect, or they
brought everyone together. They help minimize or you know, whatever
that thing is. And I would say that many many
(02:16):
years later, my family feels the impact of my grandmother's
you know, on my father's side, and a grandmother on
my mother's side not being in those families because the
relationships were impacted in a way that the people who
were left behind we just haven't been able to recover.
(02:36):
We didn't have the tools, we didn't have the skills.
And so, you know, in some ways, how wonderful, you know,
to have that person who had this this spirit, who
was able to be a connector. But also how sad
that we no longer have that force in our lives
(02:56):
to be able to make sense of these other relationships
for us. Now, this story didn't come out of the blue.
In today's letter, we will be talking to a caller
who is experiencing the loss of their father and still
in relationship with their mother. And as they're in this relationship,
it's not like these problems are new, but you know,
(03:19):
we start to notice people or notice them more because
this other person is absent. So you know, as I
mentioned earlier, some people leave such a significant space that
it really impacts those other relationships. So let's start listening
to today's letter.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Dear missus Dewob, My father recently passed away less than
one year ago. He did everything for my mother, who
stayed at home for the entire course of their marriage.
They were married for almost forty five years and my
father managed everything in the household short of daily chores.
He was sick for the extended period of time, and
(04:01):
my mother bore the brunt dealing with my father's illness.
I am an only child, so since his passing, I
have been helping as much as I can with helping
her with technology and taking ownership of doing all the things,
and have been intentional to call her every day and
give her opportunities to participate in activities with me and
my son. Even before my father got sick, my mother
(04:23):
has always been judgmental and sort of limited in her
worldview without getting too political, she is very left and
often makes comments about those with other viewpoints. She also,
since I was a young girl, has said comments related
to my body image and lifestyle that have been triggering,
as this generation might call it. She routinely says things
(04:44):
that really get under my skin. When my dad was around,
I was able to limit my time with her and
situations that involve a lot of sharing. Now that my
father is gone, I find it hard to set boundaries
with her. I feel sort of guilty that I do
not want to spend a lot of time with her.
But at the same time, she routinely makes comments about
my wait, household, or political comments that are hurtful or confrontational.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
In our relationships with others, as we are doing what
we think is required, we have to wonder is this
even necessary? Have we been, you know, maybe directly or
in some informal way, asks can you give me a
call every day? Because you know, maybe we feel like
(05:31):
that's what I should do. As the only child, that's
what my mother's expectation is. But has that been stated.
Is it actually a need for you to do that thing?
We can show up and be really healthy with others
when we're doing so out of love and not out
of obligation. So I just wonder what feels comfortable. Perhaps
(05:57):
comfortable is talking every other day, talking once a week.
But I tell you what, talking to people who, as
you say, trigger you daily, that is going to cause
a lot of mental and emotional issues. So is there
a space for us to be in relationship with people?
(06:18):
But maybe not as much as we think we have
to be. Maybe there's some room for choice. I was
recently talking to someone who was, you know, sharing how
much their parent complains about health issues and other family
members and being unhappy. And at the end of it,
(06:38):
I said, well, who calls who? And they said, well,
I call them? And I said, you call a person
to be complained to every day. It sounds like you
have some choice in the matter. It's not hey, I'm
not going to talk to this person because they're always complaining.
But you might not want to initiate a conversation where
(06:59):
there's planning. It might look like, you know, maybe I'll
just pull back a little bit. Maybe I'll shift the
tone of the conversation by starting with a topic and
not waiting for them to come in with their stuff.
You know, sometimes asking a person how you're doing invites
a certain type of conversation that might be a question
that you want to shy away from. You know, even
(07:23):
asking your mother have you watched the news? That could
be an invitation for her to talk about politics, saying
things like, oh, my gosh, you know any any sort
of thing it's it's so such and such outside. If
you notice that these are like trigger phrases or scenarios
where she really gets into and yes, so the president.
(07:46):
You know, if she takes it back there with certain things,
you may have to figure out some new things to
talk about, so you're not inviting that sort of conversation
with your mom. What sort of things create the most
minimal amount of conflict and conversation maybe make a little
less when we talk about these things. This typically goes well.
(08:08):
If I bring this up, she goes off on a
path that is unbearable. So being clear about these are
topics I can talk about, and these are topics that
I need to shy away from could be very helpful
when you're talking to a person who has like a
topic that they like to stick to. I hear you
(08:29):
saying when my dad was around, I was able to
limit my time with her and situations that involve a
lot of sharing. You know, as I mentioned in the opening,
it was amazing to me that I had not even
noticed my grandfather. That's how much time I was spending
with my grandmother. And when I think really, really, really
(08:51):
deeply about it, I do remember a figure before then,
but it wasn't as clear as this person who I
enjoyed spending time with, who you know, would pinch my
little cheeks, who would give me extra little treats, and
you know, all of these things like that was such
a profound relationship that I was able to drown out
(09:14):
these other scenarios. So that does happen with us that
we feel this you know, strong connection who we're able
to sit in these situations with the other people around
and kind of ignore them. And once this figure is
removed from our life, it's like we have no choice
but to recognize this other person, like, oh wait, you
(09:35):
talk this much, this is what you talk about. It
can be very you know, jarring and shocking. So you know,
it sounds like your mom is just able to be
herself a bit more often because you don't have your
father there to facilitate some of those conversations. Let's take
(09:56):
a quick break and we'll listen when we get back.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
For instance, the last time I was with her, she said,
I would love to help you clean your house this summer,
as I know it must be overwhelming to have a
kitchen with stuff on the cabinets. She also is very
fortunate to not have to worry about money. My husband
and I are the typical dual income household that, once
bills are paid, have no savings left. When I made
(10:24):
a comment about how even groceries are expensive, she told
me that maybe I could go to a food pantry
once or twice a month, as they are open to everyone.
That really made me upset. I suggested she begin volunteering
to fill her time, and after one day volunteering in
a pantry, this was her comment to me. She also
brings up my ex husband and the bad choices I made.
(10:46):
I should note I am now in a loving marriage
with an adorable, precious toddler. I must share that I
work in two offices, and my husband works out of
town five days a week and I have a four
year old other than day. I have never had help,
as my mother and father were not able or in
some cases willing to assist me. I have envy of
(11:08):
many of my mom friends who get a weekend off
or have help on the weekend from their parents. If anything,
having my mother around with my son is double the work.
She does not jump into help at all. She routinely
says how bored she is, but when I suggest opportunities
for her to do things with her grandson, she's never
that bored.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
When we have issues with a person, almost anything they
say to us can be considered an annoying statement. I
have found myself irritated by the smallest of things when
there is already some issue with a person. I mean,
it could be as do you have chapstick? It's like,
(11:52):
are you saying my lips are chap Oh no, you're not,
Like I can't believe you know. Your mind goes into
this space and sometimes people are being passive aggressive. Sometimes
they're trying to make a mean comment, or they're actually
trying to be helpful right by saying, have you considered
going to a food pantry. You know, I know that
(12:13):
they help people who are having some financial struggles. Right,
have you maybe thought about this other thing, like, perhaps
if it wasn't your mom, you would be able to
receive that information. Perhaps if you didn't have these challenges
with her, you could hear that information and not be
so offended. But because the relationship is already fragile, it's
(12:35):
like even a belch could really throw this thing off.
So being clear that you know, maybe there are some
challenges in the relationship that impact me being able to
hear anything from this person, And there may also be
space for you to talk to your mom about the
spirit in what she says thing or the language she
(12:58):
uses to describe things. I would love to help you
clean your house this summer, as I know it must
be overwhelming to have a kitchen with stuff on the cabinets.
You know, I think the problem in that sentence is
the latter part of the sentence, right, I would love
to help you clean your house this summer, as I
(13:19):
know it must be overwhelming. Was enough to add to
it to have a kitchen with stuff on the cabinets.
That's the part that's like a little too much detail,
so to be able to say to a person like, hey,
I think I understand that you were going somewhere positive
with this. You were trying to be helpful, you were
(13:41):
trying to think of a solution for me. But this
is where it became offensive when you added these other
words to that already complete sentence. You added some words
that were really offensive. And if you want to be hopeful,
perhaps there's a way to say it. Perhaps there is
a spirit in whish to communicate that you're trying to
(14:05):
be hopeful and not harmful. I want to sit with
this just a minute. You have identified that you're having
some envy, and the envy is around having a mother
who is present in your home but not present in
that grandparenting relationship with your child. So if I just
(14:26):
paint a picture there, she sees that you are alone
for five days a week and you're parenting, and that
you are trying to work and you're trying to parent,
and that you're overwhelmed to the point of needing some
assistance with your house. And when she comes to visit,
(14:48):
she's just sitting there. She has nothing to do. She
can't think of a pillow to fluff, a laundry, to do,
a meal, to cook, or anything else. She's just watching
you sort of struggle with this. I hear a bit
of sadness in there to not have that expectation met.
(15:11):
But here you are in a situation where you're highly
considering her needs to be in contact. You're, oh, my gosh,
I have to call her every day because she's alone
and she's sitting and watching you have needs and she's
unwilling to help. She's not jumping in to facilitate an
easier parenting experience for you, even when you're suggesting it, Hey,
(15:38):
here are some things you can do with your grandson.
She's like, Nope, can't do that. That is challenging to
watch as a parent because you're watching her impact that
relationship with your grandchild, and you're also watching as she
impacts the relationship with you. Because these are not things
that you will forget. It sounds like these are things
(15:58):
that you're really adding to this scenario of you know,
mom is offending me. Mom is always talking about this
political stuff. Mom is not helpful. Mom? Is this? Mom?
Is that? Mom? Is this? Mama? Is that? Have you
taken a moment to be angry? You know, A really
(16:19):
hard thing to realize sometimes is that it can be
really hard for us to realize that we are sad.
We are sad about the parent in which we don't have,
the parent that you have to do life with. As
you watch your peers be in situations that sound more ideal,
(16:44):
you're unable to even tap into that. There's no you know,
it's one thing. If you're like, oh my gosh, this
person they got a new car, and I can work
really hard to get a similar car or better car,
it's like, that's one thing. But when you're not able
to get something like it, just it's not going to
happen for you. It's not in the cards. It's not
(17:05):
possible with this parent. That's a whole another level of grief.
I want to add this to your grief. I think
you're grieving more than one thing. I think you're grieving
the loss of your father, and I think you are
grieving the type of parent that you think you deserve
(17:25):
versus the one that you have to be in relationship with,
someone who requires something that they don't offer, or requires
a certain level of care from you that you are
not prepared to give. It can be really frustrating. So
(17:47):
as I'm listening to this, and I know that you're
you know, you're in this loving marriage and you have
this adorable child. So I'm hearing that there is some happiness,
there is some joy, there is some feeld met. But
then on the other side, you have this relationship with
your mom and you're still grieving the loss of your father.
I wonder if you, as an only child, if you
(18:10):
have a space to talk through some of these things,
to talk about your disappointments, to talk about how hard
it is to watch your mother not be a good grandparent,
how hard it is to have to help your mom
because you're her only person. Now, there may be some
(18:30):
free resources for this, because I don't want you to
go down a path of you have to go to
therapy or you have to pay for this other service.
I think there may be some resources in your area
for caretakers, because that's what you are at this point.
You're a caretaker. You're caring for your mom. Now, is
your mom incapacitated, Is she not able to, you know,
(18:52):
take care of herself. No, but you are doing what
a caretaker does. And so I wonder if there is
is a group or a support system that you can
tap into to help you have some support around this issue,
because it's going to be very frustrating when the only
person you could talk to about this is yourself or
(19:14):
a bunch of people who really don't understand because they're
not in the same situation. As you mentioned, a lot
of your mom friends, they're enjoying their weekends every once
in a while, right, And so you are the person
in this situation, and so I do wonder, you know,
how do you find some support around this. If you
(19:34):
can't find a group locally, there could be a Facebook
group for this. There could be you know, maybe a
person who you know is having this a similar situation,
and those relationships don't have to all be about this,
but just being able from time to time. You don't
want to create a trauma bi right, where all you
(19:54):
talk about is oh and they did this, and oh
and they did that. You don't want that. But from
time to time it does help to have a person
who can just hold space and listen to you share
about this very challenging dynamic you're in now with that
grief support. You know, the situation with your mom might
(20:19):
be a little unique, but there may be more people
who've lost a parent who you can talk to about
the things that you're grieving around the loss of your
father and what that looks like day to day, and
how you're having to show up with your mother in
this new and different way. As you are moving through
(20:40):
this relationship with your mom, you have to notice that
you are now a caretaker of too. It's your four
year old and it's your mom. It sounds like like you're,
you know, embracing your mom as this person that you're
now there for in a way, and you have to
make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Caretakers need care.
(21:04):
You cannot give what you are not giving to yourself. So,
although there's this obligation to be in contact with her,
war you may want to create some rituals to practice
before you call and tap into her energy. You may
want to create some things to do after you're in
contact with her, so that you're having some separation from
(21:27):
those events and then back to yourself and then back
to your toddler. You have a lot of caring that
you're doing, and so you'll have to weave in some
ways to really take care of yourself. Let's listen some more.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
I'm also missing my father, and while feeling guilty about
feeling resentful and hurt by my mother's many comments that
have escalated since the passing of my father, her whole
energy is anxious, sad, depressed, and I know she's going
through tremendous grief, so boundary setting is tricky. Her energy
dreams me completely and I dread interactions with her. Maybe
(22:05):
I am depressed as well, but I know that when
someone is toxic, limiting time can be helpful. How do
I handle supporting my mother but also deal with their
negativity and rude comments? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (22:20):
I typically don't have any tips on developing tougher skin
for men behavior, and I get that a lot, like
how do I accept this person saying these bad things
about me? And it's like, you know, I don't know
if we should be tough enough that we can withstand,
you know, the punch of someone saying a mean thing. Instead,
(22:43):
it can be really helpful, as you stated, to live
in our contact. But also we have to let people
know how they make us feel. And that might be
as simple as saying that was a mean comment. Wow,
that really hurt my feelings. It would be helpful if
when you saw me doing X, Y and Z, you
(23:03):
stood up to help me. So even calling it to
her attention can feel more relieving for you, even if
she doesn't do anything about it. It's not all in
your head. It's not I should have done I can't
believe she did this. It's like I stood up for myself.
She said this thing, and I set this thing back.
(23:24):
You know, when she said, oh, you need to go
to a food bank, I had a corrective statement for
her where I said, you know, although we may seem
like you know, we could benefit from a food bank,
we still make too much money to go there and
that resource is not for us. But you know, when
you make comments like that, it certainly shows that you're
(23:46):
trying to be helpful, but it's also very hurtful with
the way that you're communicating this help right, So just
letting her know in these moments what's sort of happening
in your head with these situations, and maybe you know
it takes a few hours or a few days for
you to think about it and then come back to
it and say like, oh, this is how I felt
(24:09):
about this thing. And it's okay to maybe say it later,
but to say it because it sounds like you are
in this grieving space together, and it's not okay to
be mean to people. And so when people are being mean,
it's quite okay to let them know you're being mean.
That's not nice. That statement hurt my feelings. We shouldn't
(24:34):
make excuses for them because they're anxious, sad or depressed.
You know, people are always going through things, and that's
not a reason to mistreat others. So even if that
is the case, you can let them know how you feel. Now,
I will say that with depression, one of the signs
that I don't think we talk about enough is anger.
(24:55):
You know, there are lots of folks who when they
experience depression, they do become more angry, They do get moody,
they are a little more aggressive, they do make mean
comments because they're sad. They're sad and they're frustrated and
they feel powerless and they're hopeless. I get why they
do it. It doesn't make it okay. So even in
(25:18):
a person's darkest moments, it's not okay for them to
be mean to you, and I want us to stop
making excuses for that by saying like, well, this person
is going through X, and that's why they say Z.
It's like yeah, but they can go through that and
you know, maybe experience it in some other way and
(25:40):
not impact the people who are actually trying to help them.
You need to hear this. When we are doing things
in our relationships and we feel like I have to,
I am obligated, I must we have to ask ourselves
the question of is this the person's expectation or is
(26:02):
this my expectation. If it's the other person's expectation, you
could certainly level set and say something along the lines of,
you know, I want to talk to you, but it
might not be every day. And even bigger than that,
you can just change your behavior. You cannot call this
person every single day. You can call them maybe every
(26:23):
other day if that's what feels good, if that's a
place where you can actually tolerate the conversation. When our
expectation is I must do this thing, we have to
wonder where does that come from? Is that coming from
our culture? Is that coming from you know, maybe some
(26:44):
hidden messaging that we receive. And if I have to
do this, why does it make us feel so bad?
Maybe that's an indication that we don't have to do it.
If we had to do it, would it feel this bad?
Is there a different way that we could show up
in these relifes relationships. There's a lot of people that
we can love a whole lot and maybe not want
(27:05):
to talk to them every day. We have to be
mindful of how certain people in certain conversations impact us
showing up in other spaces. If I talk to this
person today and they're giving me this energy, how do
I show up with my four year old? If I
talk to this person today and they're being mean and
(27:26):
they make a comment and I'm crying the rest of
the evening, how can I be in relationship with my
husband and my friends? So those things matter too, that
there is some impact on us from being mistreated. It's
not like there's no impact and you feel okay. It's
like you're experiencing something and you're taking that back into
(27:49):
your life. So it would be wise to protect yourself
against the impact of someone being mean. You need to hear.
This is an iHeart production. Host it by me Ndra
Glover towob. Our executive producer is Joel Barnique. Our senior
(28:11):
producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a
voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at
you need to Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please
be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it,
and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this.
(28:32):
Talk to you next time.
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Needrick Glover to wib and
you need to hear this. I remember my grandmother past gosh.
I must have been in fourth grade, and her loss
in the family created so many shifts and relationships. It's
(00:23):
often alarming how much someone is the glue and we
not know it. Before that grandmother passed. That was, you know,
my mom's mom. My father's mom died a few years
before that. And I hear people saying how much things
were never the same. These relationships were almost maintained or
(00:46):
buffered by this other person being there. I have a
really funny memory, We'll not funny, but a really interesting
memory around this time. So my family is from Tuskegee, Alabama,
and when my grandmother passed, we went from Detroit to
tusky Yee, Alabama for her funeral service, and my grandfather
(01:08):
was there. And I swear to you, mind you, I'm
like in fourth grade. It felt like the first time
meeting my grandfather. I don't even remember him before this point.
Now you're talking about a person who spent summers in Alabama,
whose grandparents would come visit. But it was like I
had no recollection of his personality. Because my grandmother was
(01:33):
this figure that really owned the space, the person that
I had like this relationship with, and when she left,
it was like, oh my gosh, like there's someone else
who lives here. How didn't I notice this? I mean,
it seems so weird to be able to have such
a powerful figure in our life and our families that
(01:54):
when this person passes away, we start to, you know,
maybe notice other relationships or even pull away from those
relationships because they created like this buffering effect, or they
brought everyone together. They help minimize or you know, whatever
that thing is. And I would say that many many
(02:16):
years later, my family feels the impact of my grandmother's
you know, on my father's side, and a grandmother on
my mother's side not being in those families because the
relationships were impacted in a way that the people who
were left behind we just haven't been able to recover.
(02:36):
We didn't have the tools, we didn't have the skills.
And so, you know, in some ways, how wonderful, you know,
to have that person who had this this spirit, who
was able to be a connector. But also how sad
that we no longer have that force in our lives
(02:56):
to be able to make sense of these other relationships
for us. Now, this story didn't come out of the blue.
In today's letter, we will be talking to a caller
who is experiencing the loss of their father and still
in relationship with their mother. And as they're in this relationship,
it's not like these problems are new, but you know,
(03:19):
we start to notice people or notice them more because
this other person is absent. So you know, as I
mentioned earlier, some people leave such a significant space that
it really impacts those other relationships. So let's start listening
to today's letter.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Dear missus Dewob, My father recently passed away less than
one year ago. He did everything for my mother, who
stayed at home for the entire course of their marriage.
They were married for almost forty five years and my
father managed everything in the household short of daily chores.
He was sick for the extended period of time, and
(04:01):
my mother bore the brunt dealing with my father's illness.
I am an only child, so since his passing, I
have been helping as much as I can with helping
her with technology and taking ownership of doing all the things,
and have been intentional to call her every day and
give her opportunities to participate in activities with me and
my son. Even before my father got sick, my mother
(04:23):
has always been judgmental and sort of limited in her
worldview without getting too political, she is very left and
often makes comments about those with other viewpoints. She also,
since I was a young girl, has said comments related
to my body image and lifestyle that have been triggering,
as this generation might call it. She routinely says things
(04:44):
that really get under my skin. When my dad was around,
I was able to limit my time with her and
situations that involve a lot of sharing. Now that my
father is gone, I find it hard to set boundaries
with her. I feel sort of guilty that I do
not want to spend a lot of time with her.
But at the same time, she routinely makes comments about
my wait, household, or political comments that are hurtful or confrontational.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
In our relationships with others, as we are doing what
we think is required, we have to wonder is this
even necessary? Have we been, you know, maybe directly or
in some informal way, asks can you give me a
call every day? Because you know, maybe we feel like
(05:31):
that's what I should do. As the only child, that's
what my mother's expectation is. But has that been stated.
Is it actually a need for you to do that thing?
We can show up and be really healthy with others
when we're doing so out of love and not out
of obligation. So I just wonder what feels comfortable. Perhaps
(05:57):
comfortable is talking every other day, talking once a week.
But I tell you what, talking to people who, as
you say, trigger you daily, that is going to cause
a lot of mental and emotional issues. So is there
a space for us to be in relationship with people?
(06:18):
But maybe not as much as we think we have
to be. Maybe there's some room for choice. I was
recently talking to someone who was, you know, sharing how
much their parent complains about health issues and other family
members and being unhappy. And at the end of it,
(06:38):
I said, well, who calls who? And they said, well,
I call them? And I said, you call a person
to be complained to every day. It sounds like you
have some choice in the matter. It's not hey, I'm
not going to talk to this person because they're always complaining.
But you might not want to initiate a conversation where
(06:59):
there's planning. It might look like, you know, maybe I'll
just pull back a little bit. Maybe I'll shift the
tone of the conversation by starting with a topic and
not waiting for them to come in with their stuff.
You know, sometimes asking a person how you're doing invites
a certain type of conversation that might be a question
that you want to shy away from. You know, even
(07:23):
asking your mother have you watched the news? That could
be an invitation for her to talk about politics, saying
things like, oh, my gosh, you know any any sort
of thing it's it's so such and such outside. If
you notice that these are like trigger phrases or scenarios
where she really gets into and yes, so the president.
(07:46):
You know, if she takes it back there with certain things,
you may have to figure out some new things to
talk about, so you're not inviting that sort of conversation
with your mom. What sort of things create the most
minimal amount of conflict and conversation maybe make a little
less when we talk about these things. This typically goes well.
(08:08):
If I bring this up, she goes off on a
path that is unbearable. So being clear about these are
topics I can talk about, and these are topics that
I need to shy away from could be very helpful
when you're talking to a person who has like a
topic that they like to stick to. I hear you
(08:29):
saying when my dad was around, I was able to
limit my time with her and situations that involve a
lot of sharing. You know, as I mentioned in the opening,
it was amazing to me that I had not even
noticed my grandfather. That's how much time I was spending
with my grandmother. And when I think really, really, really
(08:51):
deeply about it, I do remember a figure before then,
but it wasn't as clear as this person who I
enjoyed spending time with, who you know, would pinch my
little cheeks, who would give me extra little treats, and
you know, all of these things like that was such
a profound relationship that I was able to drown out
(09:14):
these other scenarios. So that does happen with us that
we feel this you know, strong connection who we're able
to sit in these situations with the other people around
and kind of ignore them. And once this figure is
removed from our life, it's like we have no choice
but to recognize this other person, like, oh wait, you
(09:35):
talk this much, this is what you talk about. It
can be very you know, jarring and shocking. So you know,
it sounds like your mom is just able to be
herself a bit more often because you don't have your
father there to facilitate some of those conversations. Let's take
(09:56):
a quick break and we'll listen when we get back.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
For instance, the last time I was with her, she said,
I would love to help you clean your house this summer,
as I know it must be overwhelming to have a
kitchen with stuff on the cabinets. She also is very
fortunate to not have to worry about money. My husband
and I are the typical dual income household that, once
bills are paid, have no savings left. When I made
(10:24):
a comment about how even groceries are expensive, she told
me that maybe I could go to a food pantry
once or twice a month, as they are open to everyone.
That really made me upset. I suggested she begin volunteering
to fill her time, and after one day volunteering in
a pantry, this was her comment to me. She also
brings up my ex husband and the bad choices I made.
(10:46):
I should note I am now in a loving marriage
with an adorable, precious toddler. I must share that I
work in two offices, and my husband works out of
town five days a week and I have a four
year old other than day. I have never had help,
as my mother and father were not able or in
some cases willing to assist me. I have envy of
(11:08):
many of my mom friends who get a weekend off
or have help on the weekend from their parents. If anything,
having my mother around with my son is double the work.
She does not jump into help at all. She routinely
says how bored she is, but when I suggest opportunities
for her to do things with her grandson, she's never
that bored.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
When we have issues with a person, almost anything they
say to us can be considered an annoying statement. I
have found myself irritated by the smallest of things when
there is already some issue with a person. I mean,
it could be as do you have chapstick? It's like,
(11:52):
are you saying my lips are chap Oh no, you're not,
Like I can't believe you know. Your mind goes into
this space and sometimes people are being passive aggressive. Sometimes
they're trying to make a mean comment, or they're actually
trying to be helpful right by saying, have you considered
going to a food pantry. You know, I know that
(12:13):
they help people who are having some financial struggles. Right,
have you maybe thought about this other thing, like, perhaps
if it wasn't your mom, you would be able to
receive that information. Perhaps if you didn't have these challenges
with her, you could hear that information and not be
so offended. But because the relationship is already fragile, it's
(12:35):
like even a belch could really throw this thing off.
So being clear that you know, maybe there are some
challenges in the relationship that impact me being able to
hear anything from this person, And there may also be
space for you to talk to your mom about the
spirit in what she says thing or the language she
(12:58):
uses to describe things. I would love to help you
clean your house this summer, as I know it must
be overwhelming to have a kitchen with stuff on the cabinets.
You know, I think the problem in that sentence is
the latter part of the sentence, right, I would love
to help you clean your house this summer, as I
(13:19):
know it must be overwhelming. Was enough to add to
it to have a kitchen with stuff on the cabinets.
That's the part that's like a little too much detail,
so to be able to say to a person like, hey,
I think I understand that you were going somewhere positive
with this. You were trying to be helpful, you were
(13:41):
trying to think of a solution for me. But this
is where it became offensive when you added these other
words to that already complete sentence. You added some words
that were really offensive. And if you want to be hopeful,
perhaps there's a way to say it. Perhaps there is
a spirit in whish to communicate that you're trying to
(14:05):
be hopeful and not harmful. I want to sit with
this just a minute. You have identified that you're having
some envy, and the envy is around having a mother
who is present in your home but not present in
that grandparenting relationship with your child. So if I just
(14:26):
paint a picture there, she sees that you are alone
for five days a week and you're parenting, and that
you are trying to work and you're trying to parent,
and that you're overwhelmed to the point of needing some
assistance with your house. And when she comes to visit,
(14:48):
she's just sitting there. She has nothing to do. She
can't think of a pillow to fluff, a laundry, to do,
a meal, to cook, or anything else. She's just watching
you sort of struggle with this. I hear a bit
of sadness in there to not have that expectation met.
(15:11):
But here you are in a situation where you're highly
considering her needs to be in contact. You're, oh, my gosh,
I have to call her every day because she's alone
and she's sitting and watching you have needs and she's
unwilling to help. She's not jumping in to facilitate an
easier parenting experience for you, even when you're suggesting it, Hey,
(15:38):
here are some things you can do with your grandson.
She's like, Nope, can't do that. That is challenging to
watch as a parent because you're watching her impact that
relationship with your grandchild, and you're also watching as she
impacts the relationship with you. Because these are not things
that you will forget. It sounds like these are things
(15:58):
that you're really adding to this scenario of you know,
mom is offending me. Mom is always talking about this
political stuff. Mom is not helpful. Mom? Is this? Mom?
Is that? Mom? Is this? Mama? Is that? Have you
taken a moment to be angry? You know, A really
(16:19):
hard thing to realize sometimes is that it can be
really hard for us to realize that we are sad.
We are sad about the parent in which we don't have,
the parent that you have to do life with. As
you watch your peers be in situations that sound more ideal,
(16:44):
you're unable to even tap into that. There's no you know,
it's one thing. If you're like, oh my gosh, this
person they got a new car, and I can work
really hard to get a similar car or better car,
it's like, that's one thing. But when you're not able
to get something like it, just it's not going to
happen for you. It's not in the cards. It's not
(17:05):
possible with this parent. That's a whole another level of grief.
I want to add this to your grief. I think
you're grieving more than one thing. I think you're grieving
the loss of your father, and I think you are
grieving the type of parent that you think you deserve
(17:25):
versus the one that you have to be in relationship with,
someone who requires something that they don't offer, or requires
a certain level of care from you that you are
not prepared to give. It can be really frustrating. So
(17:47):
as I'm listening to this, and I know that you're
you know, you're in this loving marriage and you have
this adorable child. So I'm hearing that there is some happiness,
there is some joy, there is some feeld met. But
then on the other side, you have this relationship with
your mom and you're still grieving the loss of your father.
I wonder if you, as an only child, if you
(18:10):
have a space to talk through some of these things,
to talk about your disappointments, to talk about how hard
it is to watch your mother not be a good grandparent,
how hard it is to have to help your mom
because you're her only person. Now, there may be some
(18:30):
free resources for this, because I don't want you to
go down a path of you have to go to
therapy or you have to pay for this other service.
I think there may be some resources in your area
for caretakers, because that's what you are at this point.
You're a caretaker. You're caring for your mom. Now, is
your mom incapacitated, Is she not able to, you know,
(18:52):
take care of herself. No, but you are doing what
a caretaker does. And so I wonder if there is
is a group or a support system that you can
tap into to help you have some support around this issue,
because it's going to be very frustrating when the only
person you could talk to about this is yourself or
(19:14):
a bunch of people who really don't understand because they're
not in the same situation. As you mentioned, a lot
of your mom friends, they're enjoying their weekends every once
in a while, right, And so you are the person
in this situation, and so I do wonder, you know,
how do you find some support around this. If you
(19:34):
can't find a group locally, there could be a Facebook
group for this. There could be you know, maybe a
person who you know is having this a similar situation,
and those relationships don't have to all be about this,
but just being able from time to time. You don't
want to create a trauma bi right, where all you
(19:54):
talk about is oh and they did this, and oh
and they did that. You don't want that. But from
time to time it does help to have a person
who can just hold space and listen to you share
about this very challenging dynamic you're in now with that
grief support. You know, the situation with your mom might
(20:19):
be a little unique, but there may be more people
who've lost a parent who you can talk to about
the things that you're grieving around the loss of your
father and what that looks like day to day, and
how you're having to show up with your mother in
this new and different way. As you are moving through
(20:40):
this relationship with your mom, you have to notice that
you are now a caretaker of too. It's your four
year old and it's your mom. It sounds like like you're,
you know, embracing your mom as this person that you're
now there for in a way, and you have to
make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Caretakers need care.
(21:04):
You cannot give what you are not giving to yourself. So,
although there's this obligation to be in contact with her,
war you may want to create some rituals to practice
before you call and tap into her energy. You may
want to create some things to do after you're in
contact with her, so that you're having some separation from
(21:27):
those events and then back to yourself and then back
to your toddler. You have a lot of caring that
you're doing, and so you'll have to weave in some
ways to really take care of yourself. Let's listen some more.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
I'm also missing my father, and while feeling guilty about
feeling resentful and hurt by my mother's many comments that
have escalated since the passing of my father, her whole
energy is anxious, sad, depressed, and I know she's going
through tremendous grief, so boundary setting is tricky. Her energy
dreams me completely and I dread interactions with her. Maybe
(22:05):
I am depressed as well, but I know that when
someone is toxic, limiting time can be helpful. How do
I handle supporting my mother but also deal with their
negativity and rude comments? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (22:20):
I typically don't have any tips on developing tougher skin
for men behavior, and I get that a lot, like
how do I accept this person saying these bad things
about me? And it's like, you know, I don't know
if we should be tough enough that we can withstand,
you know, the punch of someone saying a mean thing. Instead,
(22:43):
it can be really helpful, as you stated, to live
in our contact. But also we have to let people
know how they make us feel. And that might be
as simple as saying that was a mean comment. Wow,
that really hurt my feelings. It would be helpful if
when you saw me doing X, Y and Z, you
(23:03):
stood up to help me. So even calling it to
her attention can feel more relieving for you, even if
she doesn't do anything about it. It's not all in
your head. It's not I should have done I can't
believe she did this. It's like I stood up for myself.
She said this thing, and I set this thing back.
(23:24):
You know, when she said, oh, you need to go
to a food bank, I had a corrective statement for
her where I said, you know, although we may seem
like you know, we could benefit from a food bank,
we still make too much money to go there and
that resource is not for us. But you know, when
you make comments like that, it certainly shows that you're
(23:46):
trying to be helpful, but it's also very hurtful with
the way that you're communicating this help right, So just
letting her know in these moments what's sort of happening
in your head with these situations, and maybe you know
it takes a few hours or a few days for
you to think about it and then come back to
it and say like, oh, this is how I felt
(24:09):
about this thing. And it's okay to maybe say it later,
but to say it because it sounds like you are
in this grieving space together, and it's not okay to
be mean to people. And so when people are being mean,
it's quite okay to let them know you're being mean.
That's not nice. That statement hurt my feelings. We shouldn't
(24:34):
make excuses for them because they're anxious, sad or depressed.
You know, people are always going through things, and that's
not a reason to mistreat others. So even if that
is the case, you can let them know how you feel. Now,
I will say that with depression, one of the signs
that I don't think we talk about enough is anger.
(24:55):
You know, there are lots of folks who when they
experience depression, they do become more angry, They do get moody,
they are a little more aggressive, they do make mean
comments because they're sad. They're sad and they're frustrated and
they feel powerless and they're hopeless. I get why they
do it. It doesn't make it okay. So even in
(25:18):
a person's darkest moments, it's not okay for them to
be mean to you, and I want us to stop
making excuses for that by saying like, well, this person
is going through X, and that's why they say Z.
It's like yeah, but they can go through that and
you know, maybe experience it in some other way and
(25:40):
not impact the people who are actually trying to help them.
You need to hear this. When we are doing things
in our relationships and we feel like I have to,
I am obligated, I must we have to ask ourselves
the question of is this the person's expectation or is
(26:02):
this my expectation. If it's the other person's expectation, you
could certainly level set and say something along the lines of,
you know, I want to talk to you, but it
might not be every day. And even bigger than that,
you can just change your behavior. You cannot call this
person every single day. You can call them maybe every
(26:23):
other day if that's what feels good, if that's a
place where you can actually tolerate the conversation. When our
expectation is I must do this thing, we have to
wonder where does that come from? Is that coming from
our culture? Is that coming from you know, maybe some
(26:44):
hidden messaging that we receive. And if I have to
do this, why does it make us feel so bad?
Maybe that's an indication that we don't have to do it.
If we had to do it, would it feel this bad?
Is there a different way that we could show up
in these relifes relationships. There's a lot of people that
we can love a whole lot and maybe not want
(27:05):
to talk to them every day. We have to be
mindful of how certain people in certain conversations impact us
showing up in other spaces. If I talk to this
person today and they're giving me this energy, how do
I show up with my four year old? If I
talk to this person today and they're being mean and
(27:26):
they make a comment and I'm crying the rest of
the evening, how can I be in relationship with my
husband and my friends? So those things matter too, that
there is some impact on us from being mistreated. It's
not like there's no impact and you feel okay. It's
like you're experiencing something and you're taking that back into
(27:49):
your life. So it would be wise to protect yourself
against the impact of someone being mean. You need to hear.
This is an iHeart production. Host it by me Ndra
Glover towob. Our executive producer is Joel Barnique. Our senior
(28:11):
producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a
voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at
you need to Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please
be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it,
and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this.
(28:32):
Talk to you next time.
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