December 28, 2023 • 26 mins
This week's caller is struggling to maintain a relationship where the list of off-limit topics is cutting into healthy communication. What can we do when the people we love cannot keep unwanted comments to themselves? Nedra explains how repetition can be the necessary key.
Submit a message of your own at youneedtohearthis@iheartmedia.com.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to WIB and you
need to hear this. In today's call, we are talking
about unsolicited comments or feedback. I have a lot to
say about this. The first thing is we have to
be mindful of how we invite people in. Sometimes just
(00:21):
talking to a certain person about a topic is an
entrance for them to provide feedback. It could be as
simple as I bought a purple house. A purple house,
Oh I don't like the color purple. Listen, we can
just sit here together and stare at walls. Maybe I
don't share things because I don't want to hear what
(00:43):
you have to say about it. We know who those
people are in our lives. We have to figure out,
like what things can we say to particular people and
what things we just don't want to talk about. I
don't want to talk about real estate with you, because
then it goes down this path of whatever I don't
want to talk about, you know, things about shopping or
my body in front of you, because then these sort
(01:04):
of comments come out. So figuring out our people can
be really helpful. There is a part of us that
feels like, well, guess what I should be able to
talk about whatever I want to with my mom, with
my brother, with my you know, we'll put that role there,
like whoever that person is, and it's like, well, you can't,
(01:25):
you cannot. There are some people it's like, y'all only
really need to talk about weather, like which weather app
are you using? Are you using the weather dot com?
Or are you using what comes on the That's all
we can talk about because if we talk about anything else,
it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Go very well.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
You know who those folks are in your life, and
sometimes we don't really honor that. We want to give
them this information and we want them to show up
differently as if they've learned any new skills. They are
the same. And when we can accept that and really
honor that, we can protect ourselves a lot better. I
(02:08):
am thinking of a situation where I used to tell
someone something right, I would tell them this stuff, and
I'm like, oh, this person would never tell Well, they
told everyone, right, And so it got to the point
where I try this, hey, don't tell anybody, and then
they only told a few people, and I said, silly, goose,
(02:30):
stop telling them.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
They can't.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
And you know what, this person is so nice they
are a very kind, sweet but can't keep a secret,
not as they flaw. They can't keep a secret. They
can make a macaroni, but they cannot keep a secret.
(02:53):
I can have an expectation all day, you need to
keep a secret. They can't. So guess what I don't do.
I don't share any secrets with this person, anything that
somebody could find out on the internet. That's what I'm
gonna say. Book coming out tomorrow, I dare not tell
them when I'm writing one, because everybody would know.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
You would know, you know.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
So I think it's one of those things where it's
like we have to know our people and we learn
by trial and error, right, Like we learn like Okay,
I said this thing, I did this thing. This happened,
and it's like we're a scientist in relationships, right like okay,
so I did this thing. I'll try this next time,
and we'll see. I do this with my recipes. Whenever
I bake something, I like to write it down one
(03:42):
because I want things to taste the same and I
want to make sure I'm putting the same ingredients in it,
and I will make notes at the bottom. I'll put
on like you know, on twelve twelve, twenty twenty three,
I added pea cons instead of walnuts, right, Like, I
just want to know what's different, and with our relationships,
we have to do that too. So you know, the
last time I told them this or the last time
(04:04):
I said this thing, this was the reaction.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
So what can I do differently?
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Maybe I share, you know, some part of something with
them and I say, hey, you know, before I say this,
please don't give me any feedback. I'm just venting, Like,
what am I going to do differently so the inter
action can be different, because if I'm doing the same thing,
it's going to be the same result each time. I
(04:29):
will be disappointed, I will be frustrated. I will be
mad at this person because they are just being themselves
on a different day and it's hurting my feelings. Let's
get into this letter. I'm excited about this one. Let's go.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
I've been trying to navigate the relationship with my mom
for years now, and I don't know where else to turn.
I took her to family counseling with me about three
years ago in the hopes of communicating my feelings about
hurtful things she had done in my childhood. Has set
in boundaries with the all of having a healthier relationship. Initially,
the main problems were that I felt she made everything
(05:06):
in my life about her now her feelings on the topic.
I wanted to set boundaries such as, don't talk badly
about my dad to me, please stop commenting on my
style choices, and please stop giving unsolicited feedback on everything
I share with you.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Therety is everything I share with you. I heard it.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
I started there right, everything I share with you. So
there are things that you were giving this person to
have feedback about.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
There. There are some people who just can't not give feedback.
They just can't. I mean, you could put an incense
in their face. Oh that incense.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
So they just have to say something. Perhaps this is
the case, you know, with her speaking badly about your
dad to you. When she starts to do it, what
do you do I know of some folks. I have
an uncle in particular, he just watches all the news,
is all the local world, the paper, all of them,
(06:06):
and he loves to report the most tragic things.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
And I believe the.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
World is a both good and bad place, and lots
of things are happening in the world, and I don't
absolutely need to know everything that's happening every day, all day.
And he will start some of our conversations with ooh,
did you say I did not? I did not because
I don't watch the news. Yeah you said, I don't.
What did you have for breakfast? Because what we will
(06:34):
not talk about is the news. I don't need to
know all of the tragedy that exists in the world.
I wouldn't be able to walk in my house. I'm
protecting myself from some anxiety. That's not for everybody, but
I know me. And so when these conversations start, you know,
(06:56):
that's what he talks about with people, truly, you know,
I think everybody he talks to it's like he's talking
about you know, that's a convert that's the house, the weather,
It's like, this is the news.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
I don't want you to speak that way with me.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
So when you start down that path of death and
this and garbage, and we can talk about a lot
of things, that's not going to be it. I could
think of two thousand and seven other things to talk about,
but that's not going to be one of them.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
It's top of the.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Morning, not how I want to start my day. So
here are some things that we could talk about. So
I wonder with your mom, anyone who's listening with this
person in your life who pushes an agenda with conversations,
make a list of things you could talk about with
this person. They are very good at talking about, you know,
maybe work issues. They are very good at helping you
(07:52):
pick paint colors. They are very good about helping you
to perfect your potato salad. You know, like what things
do you you speak about together? That typically is non
confrontational and goes well when they start to bring up
these topics like oh, my gosh, your dad he's a
terrible Hey, hey, hey, that is something that I've asked
(08:16):
you before. Please don't talk about that. I understand that
you want to vent. I think you should talk to Margaret,
your best friend, about that. I think you should maybe
find your therapist. But as your daughter, that's a very
tough topic for me to hear about. I don't want
to talk about that. Is there something else we could
talk about? I know that sounds really fine. I know
(08:37):
some of you are like, oh, I couldn't say that
to my mama, but you've already told her. Please don't
talk about my dad. I mean, how do you say
it the second time? How do you say it the
third time? All of those times should sound a little different.
I don't know if you've ever seen a teacher in action,
but they're like, clap once. If you hear my hands
clap twise, you know, it gets a little something to it.
(08:57):
And they're not yelling, but they certainly may project a
little bit more so that a person can hear them
and understand, because the ultimate goal here is to not
have conversations about your dad style choices. Again, it's the
restate in that boundary. Hey, I understand that you don't
(09:21):
like the color pink, and you may not have to
wear it, but it's a color that I love. Please
don't make any more comments. What we typically do when
people say stuff that we don't like and we've told
them one time or two times, it three times not
to do it. The fifth time that they say it,
we let it slide. The sixth time they say it,
we let it slide. It'll get all the way back
(09:42):
up to fifteen, and then we're like raw, and then
you know, sixteen they won't do it. You know, we'll
say something, seventeen, will say something eighteen through thirty.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Two, we've said nothing. It can really.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Work out better for us if each and every time
time we say something back to them, because they're not
going to stop saying it. It's almost like a reprogramming, right, Like,
how do I teach you is not okay to talk
about my style choices? How do I teach you that
there are some topics that actually make me more depressed
than anxious? How do I teach you that I'm trying
(10:19):
to have a relationship with my father and hearing certain
things is not helpful. Some of that is us protecting
our boundaries with this person. I'm sure we'll get to
the point in this where you know the person is
not listening, to the point where you know you're tired
of talking about it, and we'll talk a little bit
about that. Let's go to break and when we come back,
(10:41):
we will get back to the letter. All right, we're back,
Let's listen.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
The therapy ended after a couple of sessions, and I
don't believe she ever really hurt me. Between then and
now Ebbed and Flowed, we have been pretty low contact,
and after one of my more recent visits with her,
I've been considering estrangement. When I do see her, I
find that my wall comes up and I get defensive.
(11:13):
I find that I don't want to share about my
life with her because her experience, I've come to believe
that she is not capable of showing up in the
way I need her to. She is consistently negative about
anything that I get excited about, like graduating law school
or going to Europe. I've asked her to be more
positive and support me and what I'm excited about, and
her response is that it's her job as a parent
(11:34):
to say the hard things. It seems as though she
always has to tell me why what I'm doing is
not how she would be doing it. She believes that
she has a right to share her opinion about my
life with me, even when I don't want it. I
see that my inability or unwillingness to talk to her
about my personal life hurts her feelings, and I have
feelings of guilt that I've ruined our relationship. She says
(11:57):
that she doesn't know how to speak to me. My
boundaries are too rigid. I find myself feeling resentful towards
her for consistent patterns of an inability to have healthy
conversations with me and hear what I have been trying
to communicate.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Boundaries will always be highly rigid to a person who
doesn't want to listen to them, right, it's like, oh
my gosh, I can't understand what you're saying. Do you
hear the static? You know, some people just don't want
to listen to us. Unfortunately, sometimes those people are parents,
they are you know, significant others, they are family members,
and it's you know, it's really sad and unfortunate, and
(12:36):
there is a way for you to you know, it
goes back to what I said at the top of
the hour. There's a way for you to be in
this relationship and maybe not share as much sharing good
news with someone who's going to have a lackluster response.
That's self harm. Sharing all of this wonderful information with
(12:58):
someone who's going to question you out of your perspective
or cause you to change your mind.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
No, there are.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Ways that you know, you can be supported in this stuff.
But it may not be by your mom, who is
saying I don't get it. Why can't I say whatever
I want to say. Some people truly believe that that
because I have this role in your life as a parent,
I can say whatever I want to say.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Your mother is stating her belief.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Like your belief is no, I should be able to
you know, have these healthy boundaries, and your mother is like, no,
you shouldn't. That's tough, and I wonder if you could
just sit with that, right, like, there may not be
space in this relationship to get her to change. Is
(13:53):
there a room in this relationship for you to do
some things differently with her? Yeah, yeah, it would be.
I don't even know if we would call these boundaries.
If people just listen to whatever we said the first time,
or if they just understood like, yeah, that's not how
you talk to people, we wouldn't even need boundaries. We
(14:15):
need them because it's not happening for some of us.
There are some things that we want improved in our relationships.
So with your mom, you know, I'm hearing a few things.
One is you're sharing things with the expectation that she
will respond differently. So right there, I think you can
(14:37):
share when you're ready for her response, or you could
maybe not share. You know, when she talks about certain
topics with you that make you uncomfortable, I think you
can address it and just say that, like, I'm really
uncomfortable with you talking about this, please don't do it.
(14:57):
Or you could say, hey, mom, we've talked about that,
and because we've talked about it, I'm now going to
change the subject. Your mom's saying things like I don't understand,
I don't even know how to talk to you. Well,
you've told her. She doesn't want to do it. She
wants to be able to talk to you about anything
that she wants to talk to you about. So yeah,
(15:19):
she's gonna.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Say, oh, I don't know, I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
You know, it's like faux helplessness, like I don't know
what to say here is like I just gave you
the paper say this thing right here. She doesn't want
to And that's really tough because our expectations sometimes of
our parent is that they'll learn and they'll you know,
parent us in this way that we want to be parented,
and that is sometimes not true. People have their own
(15:45):
agenda when they have children. You have some parents who say,
you know, my kids must know five languages, my kids
must be involved in the arts. My kids will not
do any arts. You know, like, parents have their own agenda.
So getting your mother, even through therapy to parent in
a different way. It might not be the best option
(16:09):
because she doesn't want to when she's not ready. She's
not seeing any errors in what she's doing. You said,
Oh my gosh, I don't think she heard me. When
I was, you know, talking to her in therapy. I
think she heard you, just fine. She didn't listen. Listening
is application right, like following through. Oh I'm going to
take that. I'm going to do something with it. She's
(16:31):
not listening to you. She heard everything that was said.
Now was she daydreaming when it was said? Maybe, but
she heard it. That doesn't mean that she has to
implement it. So she did hear you. It's just, you know,
it could be I disagree with you. I think there's
another way to do this. I want to do my
own thing. There are so many things that could be
(16:53):
going on here, but the one thing that you can
address is the way that you show up in the relationship.
Sounds like like your mother is not yet ready to change,
but you really really wanted to. Let's take a break
and we'll be right back, and we're back, let's keep listening.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
Ultimately, I'm wondering if it's me who's the problem for
shutting down many topics of conversation with her, or if
it is a reasonable response to her inability to listen
and support How do I know if my boundaries are
too rigid? How can we have a relationship when she
wants to talk about everything and I only want to
talk about topics that I know will not cause conflict.
(17:38):
Can we have a relationship at all?
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Maybe it depends on your mom's willingness to talk about
other topics. That uncle that I mentioned, he no longer
brings up news stories and he will now start with
you know, I've been trying to cut down on watching
the news, which is really wonderful after years of mentioning,
(18:03):
oh my gosh, like my anxiety is through the roof
when you talk about these things like you know, it
took him sort of me saying like I noticed a
shift in my energy when at the top of the
day I'm hearing about tragedy like it just it does
something to me. Now, maybe you could watch it and
(18:24):
you could go on about your workday and file your
papers or whatever you do at work. I can't now
I'm stuck and it's eight am. This is not good
for me, and so I think he started to notice like, wow,
like I talk about this a lot with people, Like
there's so many other things to talk about. But it
did take some consistency on my part to say, ugh,
(18:47):
can we talk about something else? I'm willing to talk
about other things? Just what could those things be outside
of the things that you would normally go to in conversation?
You know, I think about that sometimes when you know
certain people are heavy on the gossip, and you know,
it's like, Okay, well don't I don't want to talk
about that person and their husband. But you know, there
(19:10):
are other topics that I love to talk about, like
what's you know, what's the appropriate heel length? If is
it three inches or four? Like what feels good on
your foot? Like, I can think of tons of things
to talk about and just shift that conversation to something else.
So again, I encourage you to think of what can
you talk about?
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Make a must?
Speaker 1 (19:31):
These are things I can talk about with my mom.
These are topics that we're able to process without arguing.
Here's a good space where she can listen. When I
have good news, I will wait blank amount of days
before I share it. Maybe you need to get a
massage before you share it and watch two comedies and
then let her know. You may be able to figure
(19:54):
out some rhythm there, or you can decide, you know,
this is a person I just don't want to talk
to about anything or talking.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
To it all.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
You have options, but I do want you to know
sometimes we can be in relationships with unchanged people because
we've changed. I no longer have the expectation that you're
going to have anything hopeful or you know, inviting to
say when I tell you this. I no longer have
the expectation that you won't talk about my father.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
I no longer have.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
The expectation that you should like my style. I've changed
my expectations of you. And you know, a thing about style.
Style is so particular and personal. And even when I'm
shopping in the store, I'll look at the salesperson and
they like, yeah, you should get this, and I.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Look at the outfit. I'm like, girl, I don't want
to dress like you, you know.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
So it's such a personal There may be certain colors,
certain cuts, certain you know, fabrics where it's like not
my thing, you know. So someone's saying like, oh, oh
I don't like that shirt, Well what kind of shirts
do they wear. Are those shirts that you even want
to wear? I think about that. It's so personal. Now
(21:08):
they don't have to share with you that they don't
like your shirt. But you know, style is such a
personal thing, and so sometimes when people are saying things,
it's really personal to them. And I get it. They
feel like they have this perspective.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
But you know, in my.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Head, I'm like, you're not Naomi Campbell, you know, like
I'm not listening to you. But they I don't want
to say thank you, but you know, even maybe saying hey,
our style is different, you know, like sometimes the age
gap with a mother and daughter, Like there's so many
things there that you can say that my transition that conversation,
I think about my children who are in mid drift
(21:47):
showing era, and you.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Know what I think about it. I'm like, oh, my
stomach would be so cold.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
That's what I like.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
A high ride.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
I want my belly button cover at all time. This
code out here, you know.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
So these are the things I think about, and they're like, yes,
belly out.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
You know, like it's not that they need to dress
like me. I need to dress like them. There are
some things I just need to be quiet about and
some of us don't know that. Some of us have
not mastered the power of quiet. Some of us have
not mastered Your.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Opinion doesn't matter.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
We are still a work in progress, or we're not
even working. How about that some of us are on
break from any healing, and it's prolonged, it's always under construction,
forever and ever. We haven't started. Some of us are
not doing any work, and we're not doing any work,
and we're in these you know, relationships with folks like you,
(22:49):
who I'm sure has you know, followed me on Instagram,
read my book, you listen to this podcast. You are healing,
You are on a journey. You know the boundaries of
parents and child and what parents shouldn't talk about with children.
You know that it's not okay for you to comment
on people's fashion and body and all of this stuff.
(23:10):
Your mother, she may not know that. I don't know
if she follows me on Instagram. I don't know if
she read the books. I don't know if she listened
to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
And if she did, you know what she may say
when she look at those videos.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Look at that girl hand gesture, She's silly, you know, like,
who knows? So what someone else is getting from something.
But our healing is our healing, and somebody else is
not healing, lack of growth, stuck this that's their stuff.
And one thing that many of us do not have
(23:45):
time for is to do anybody else's work. I can't
even do all the work I'm supposed to do, not
in the day and probably not in a lifetime, so
I certainly cannot help another and do their work.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
I would fail daily here. Okay, so here's all the
work you have to and put a over there.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
No, m m no, we don't have that level of time.
What we can do is our stuff. And when we're
reading these books, going to therapy, listening to podcasts, we
are hopefully learning how to exist in the world with
people who are doing none of that with a level
(24:31):
of compassion that says, look how much they're hurting. They
don't even see how they're showing up instead of oh
they need a change, like me, I hear a lot
of steps in between. You know, it's this work is hard,
you know, it's it's really hard, And sometimes I understand
(24:54):
why people don't do it at all, because I'd be like,
I do not want to feel anything. I don't I
do not want to feel these feelings. I would rather
not today. So even uncovering this stuff, recognizing that there
were some judgment errors in your parenting, that's a lot.
(25:16):
That's a lot. You need to hear this. You may
be the only person in your relationship doing the work.
And what is the work. The work could be, you know,
unraveling some of the things that you were taught that
are no longer helpful, learning how to exist in relationships
(25:37):
with people in a boundaried and healthy way. You may
be the only person doing that, so do not be
shocked when you encounter people who are not open to
the work and who are not open to change. You
need to hear This is an iHeart production hosted by
(25:57):
mend your Glover to Why. Our executive producer is Joel Bonique.
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships at you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
(26:19):
to it, and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this. Talk to you next time
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to WIB and you
need to hear this. In today's call, we are talking
about unsolicited comments or feedback. I have a lot to
say about this. The first thing is we have to
be mindful of how we invite people in. Sometimes just
(00:21):
talking to a certain person about a topic is an
entrance for them to provide feedback. It could be as
simple as I bought a purple house. A purple house,
Oh I don't like the color purple. Listen, we can
just sit here together and stare at walls. Maybe I
don't share things because I don't want to hear what
(00:43):
you have to say about it. We know who those
people are in our lives. We have to figure out,
like what things can we say to particular people and
what things we just don't want to talk about. I
don't want to talk about real estate with you, because
then it goes down this path of whatever I don't
want to talk about, you know, things about shopping or
my body in front of you, because then these sort
(01:04):
of comments come out. So figuring out our people can
be really helpful. There is a part of us that
feels like, well, guess what I should be able to
talk about whatever I want to with my mom, with
my brother, with my you know, we'll put that role there,
like whoever that person is, and it's like, well, you can't,
(01:25):
you cannot. There are some people it's like, y'all only
really need to talk about weather, like which weather app
are you using? Are you using the weather dot com?
Or are you using what comes on the That's all
we can talk about because if we talk about anything else,
it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Go very well.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
You know who those folks are in your life, and
sometimes we don't really honor that. We want to give
them this information and we want them to show up
differently as if they've learned any new skills. They are
the same. And when we can accept that and really
honor that, we can protect ourselves a lot better. I
(02:08):
am thinking of a situation where I used to tell
someone something right, I would tell them this stuff, and
I'm like, oh, this person would never tell Well, they
told everyone, right, And so it got to the point
where I try this, hey, don't tell anybody, and then
they only told a few people, and I said, silly, goose,
(02:30):
stop telling them.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
They can't.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
And you know what, this person is so nice they
are a very kind, sweet but can't keep a secret,
not as they flaw. They can't keep a secret. They
can make a macaroni, but they cannot keep a secret.
(02:53):
I can have an expectation all day, you need to
keep a secret. They can't. So guess what I don't do.
I don't share any secrets with this person, anything that
somebody could find out on the internet. That's what I'm
gonna say. Book coming out tomorrow, I dare not tell
them when I'm writing one, because everybody would know.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
You would know, you know.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
So I think it's one of those things where it's
like we have to know our people and we learn
by trial and error, right, Like we learn like Okay,
I said this thing, I did this thing. This happened,
and it's like we're a scientist in relationships, right like okay,
so I did this thing. I'll try this next time,
and we'll see. I do this with my recipes. Whenever
I bake something, I like to write it down one
(03:42):
because I want things to taste the same and I
want to make sure I'm putting the same ingredients in it,
and I will make notes at the bottom. I'll put
on like you know, on twelve twelve, twenty twenty three,
I added pea cons instead of walnuts, right, Like, I
just want to know what's different, and with our relationships,
we have to do that too. So you know, the
last time I told them this or the last time
(04:04):
I said this thing, this was the reaction.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
So what can I do differently?
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Maybe I share, you know, some part of something with
them and I say, hey, you know, before I say this,
please don't give me any feedback. I'm just venting, Like,
what am I going to do differently so the inter
action can be different, because if I'm doing the same thing,
it's going to be the same result each time. I
(04:29):
will be disappointed, I will be frustrated. I will be
mad at this person because they are just being themselves
on a different day and it's hurting my feelings. Let's
get into this letter. I'm excited about this one. Let's go.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
I've been trying to navigate the relationship with my mom
for years now, and I don't know where else to turn.
I took her to family counseling with me about three
years ago in the hopes of communicating my feelings about
hurtful things she had done in my childhood. Has set
in boundaries with the all of having a healthier relationship. Initially,
the main problems were that I felt she made everything
(05:06):
in my life about her now her feelings on the topic.
I wanted to set boundaries such as, don't talk badly
about my dad to me, please stop commenting on my
style choices, and please stop giving unsolicited feedback on everything
I share with you.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Therety is everything I share with you. I heard it.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
I started there right, everything I share with you. So
there are things that you were giving this person to
have feedback about.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
There. There are some people who just can't not give feedback.
They just can't. I mean, you could put an incense
in their face. Oh that incense.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
So they just have to say something. Perhaps this is
the case, you know, with her speaking badly about your
dad to you. When she starts to do it, what
do you do I know of some folks. I have
an uncle in particular, he just watches all the news,
is all the local world, the paper, all of them,
(06:06):
and he loves to report the most tragic things.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
And I believe the.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
World is a both good and bad place, and lots
of things are happening in the world, and I don't
absolutely need to know everything that's happening every day, all day.
And he will start some of our conversations with ooh,
did you say I did not? I did not because
I don't watch the news. Yeah you said, I don't.
What did you have for breakfast? Because what we will
(06:34):
not talk about is the news. I don't need to
know all of the tragedy that exists in the world.
I wouldn't be able to walk in my house. I'm
protecting myself from some anxiety. That's not for everybody, but
I know me. And so when these conversations start, you know,
(06:56):
that's what he talks about with people, truly, you know,
I think everybody he talks to it's like he's talking
about you know, that's a convert that's the house, the weather,
It's like, this is the news.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
I don't want you to speak that way with me.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
So when you start down that path of death and
this and garbage, and we can talk about a lot
of things, that's not going to be it. I could
think of two thousand and seven other things to talk about,
but that's not going to be one of them.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
It's top of the.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Morning, not how I want to start my day. So
here are some things that we could talk about. So
I wonder with your mom, anyone who's listening with this
person in your life who pushes an agenda with conversations,
make a list of things you could talk about with
this person. They are very good at talking about, you know,
maybe work issues. They are very good at helping you
(07:52):
pick paint colors. They are very good about helping you
to perfect your potato salad. You know, like what things
do you you speak about together? That typically is non
confrontational and goes well when they start to bring up
these topics like oh, my gosh, your dad he's a
terrible Hey, hey, hey, that is something that I've asked
(08:16):
you before. Please don't talk about that. I understand that
you want to vent. I think you should talk to Margaret,
your best friend, about that. I think you should maybe
find your therapist. But as your daughter, that's a very
tough topic for me to hear about. I don't want
to talk about that. Is there something else we could
talk about? I know that sounds really fine. I know
(08:37):
some of you are like, oh, I couldn't say that
to my mama, but you've already told her. Please don't
talk about my dad. I mean, how do you say
it the second time? How do you say it the
third time? All of those times should sound a little different.
I don't know if you've ever seen a teacher in action,
but they're like, clap once. If you hear my hands
clap twise, you know, it gets a little something to it.
(08:57):
And they're not yelling, but they certainly may project a
little bit more so that a person can hear them
and understand, because the ultimate goal here is to not
have conversations about your dad style choices. Again, it's the
restate in that boundary. Hey, I understand that you don't
(09:21):
like the color pink, and you may not have to
wear it, but it's a color that I love. Please
don't make any more comments. What we typically do when
people say stuff that we don't like and we've told
them one time or two times, it three times not
to do it. The fifth time that they say it,
we let it slide. The sixth time they say it,
we let it slide. It'll get all the way back
(09:42):
up to fifteen, and then we're like raw, and then
you know, sixteen they won't do it. You know, we'll
say something, seventeen, will say something eighteen through thirty.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Two, we've said nothing. It can really.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Work out better for us if each and every time
time we say something back to them, because they're not
going to stop saying it. It's almost like a reprogramming, right, Like,
how do I teach you is not okay to talk
about my style choices? How do I teach you that
there are some topics that actually make me more depressed
than anxious? How do I teach you that I'm trying
(10:19):
to have a relationship with my father and hearing certain
things is not helpful. Some of that is us protecting
our boundaries with this person. I'm sure we'll get to
the point in this where you know the person is
not listening, to the point where you know you're tired
of talking about it, and we'll talk a little bit
about that. Let's go to break and when we come back,
(10:41):
we will get back to the letter. All right, we're back,
Let's listen.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
The therapy ended after a couple of sessions, and I
don't believe she ever really hurt me. Between then and
now Ebbed and Flowed, we have been pretty low contact,
and after one of my more recent visits with her,
I've been considering estrangement. When I do see her, I
find that my wall comes up and I get defensive.
(11:13):
I find that I don't want to share about my
life with her because her experience, I've come to believe
that she is not capable of showing up in the
way I need her to. She is consistently negative about
anything that I get excited about, like graduating law school
or going to Europe. I've asked her to be more
positive and support me and what I'm excited about, and
her response is that it's her job as a parent
(11:34):
to say the hard things. It seems as though she
always has to tell me why what I'm doing is
not how she would be doing it. She believes that
she has a right to share her opinion about my
life with me, even when I don't want it. I
see that my inability or unwillingness to talk to her
about my personal life hurts her feelings, and I have
feelings of guilt that I've ruined our relationship. She says
(11:57):
that she doesn't know how to speak to me. My
boundaries are too rigid. I find myself feeling resentful towards
her for consistent patterns of an inability to have healthy
conversations with me and hear what I have been trying
to communicate.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Boundaries will always be highly rigid to a person who
doesn't want to listen to them, right, it's like, oh
my gosh, I can't understand what you're saying. Do you
hear the static? You know, some people just don't want
to listen to us. Unfortunately, sometimes those people are parents,
they are you know, significant others, they are family members,
and it's you know, it's really sad and unfortunate, and
(12:36):
there is a way for you to you know, it
goes back to what I said at the top of
the hour. There's a way for you to be in
this relationship and maybe not share as much sharing good
news with someone who's going to have a lackluster response.
That's self harm. Sharing all of this wonderful information with
(12:58):
someone who's going to question you out of your perspective
or cause you to change your mind.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
No, there are.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Ways that you know, you can be supported in this stuff.
But it may not be by your mom, who is
saying I don't get it. Why can't I say whatever
I want to say. Some people truly believe that that
because I have this role in your life as a parent,
I can say whatever I want to say.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Your mother is stating her belief.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Like your belief is no, I should be able to
you know, have these healthy boundaries, and your mother is like, no,
you shouldn't. That's tough, and I wonder if you could
just sit with that, right, like, there may not be
space in this relationship to get her to change. Is
(13:53):
there a room in this relationship for you to do
some things differently with her? Yeah, yeah, it would be.
I don't even know if we would call these boundaries.
If people just listen to whatever we said the first time,
or if they just understood like, yeah, that's not how
you talk to people, we wouldn't even need boundaries. We
(14:15):
need them because it's not happening for some of us.
There are some things that we want improved in our relationships.
So with your mom, you know, I'm hearing a few things.
One is you're sharing things with the expectation that she
will respond differently. So right there, I think you can
(14:37):
share when you're ready for her response, or you could
maybe not share. You know, when she talks about certain
topics with you that make you uncomfortable, I think you
can address it and just say that, like, I'm really
uncomfortable with you talking about this, please don't do it.
(14:57):
Or you could say, hey, mom, we've talked about that,
and because we've talked about it, I'm now going to
change the subject. Your mom's saying things like I don't understand,
I don't even know how to talk to you. Well,
you've told her. She doesn't want to do it. She
wants to be able to talk to you about anything
that she wants to talk to you about. So yeah,
(15:19):
she's gonna.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Say, oh, I don't know, I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
You know, it's like faux helplessness, like I don't know
what to say here is like I just gave you
the paper say this thing right here. She doesn't want
to And that's really tough because our expectations sometimes of
our parent is that they'll learn and they'll you know,
parent us in this way that we want to be parented,
and that is sometimes not true. People have their own
(15:45):
agenda when they have children. You have some parents who say,
you know, my kids must know five languages, my kids
must be involved in the arts. My kids will not
do any arts. You know, like, parents have their own agenda.
So getting your mother, even through therapy to parent in
a different way. It might not be the best option
(16:09):
because she doesn't want to when she's not ready. She's
not seeing any errors in what she's doing. You said,
Oh my gosh, I don't think she heard me. When
I was, you know, talking to her in therapy. I
think she heard you, just fine. She didn't listen. Listening
is application right, like following through. Oh I'm going to
take that. I'm going to do something with it. She's
(16:31):
not listening to you. She heard everything that was said.
Now was she daydreaming when it was said? Maybe, but
she heard it. That doesn't mean that she has to
implement it. So she did hear you. It's just, you know,
it could be I disagree with you. I think there's
another way to do this. I want to do my
own thing. There are so many things that could be
(16:53):
going on here, but the one thing that you can
address is the way that you show up in the relationship.
Sounds like like your mother is not yet ready to change,
but you really really wanted to. Let's take a break
and we'll be right back, and we're back, let's keep listening.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
Ultimately, I'm wondering if it's me who's the problem for
shutting down many topics of conversation with her, or if
it is a reasonable response to her inability to listen
and support How do I know if my boundaries are
too rigid? How can we have a relationship when she
wants to talk about everything and I only want to
talk about topics that I know will not cause conflict.
(17:38):
Can we have a relationship at all?
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Maybe it depends on your mom's willingness to talk about
other topics. That uncle that I mentioned, he no longer
brings up news stories and he will now start with
you know, I've been trying to cut down on watching
the news, which is really wonderful after years of mentioning,
(18:03):
oh my gosh, like my anxiety is through the roof
when you talk about these things like you know, it
took him sort of me saying like I noticed a
shift in my energy when at the top of the
day I'm hearing about tragedy like it just it does
something to me. Now, maybe you could watch it and
(18:24):
you could go on about your workday and file your
papers or whatever you do at work. I can't now
I'm stuck and it's eight am. This is not good
for me, and so I think he started to notice like, wow,
like I talk about this a lot with people, Like
there's so many other things to talk about. But it
did take some consistency on my part to say, ugh,
(18:47):
can we talk about something else? I'm willing to talk
about other things? Just what could those things be outside
of the things that you would normally go to in conversation?
You know, I think about that sometimes when you know
certain people are heavy on the gossip, and you know,
it's like, Okay, well don't I don't want to talk
about that person and their husband. But you know, there
(19:10):
are other topics that I love to talk about, like
what's you know, what's the appropriate heel length? If is
it three inches or four? Like what feels good on
your foot? Like, I can think of tons of things
to talk about and just shift that conversation to something else.
So again, I encourage you to think of what can
you talk about?
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Make a must?
Speaker 1 (19:31):
These are things I can talk about with my mom.
These are topics that we're able to process without arguing.
Here's a good space where she can listen. When I
have good news, I will wait blank amount of days
before I share it. Maybe you need to get a
massage before you share it and watch two comedies and
then let her know. You may be able to figure
(19:54):
out some rhythm there, or you can decide, you know,
this is a person I just don't want to talk
to about anything or talking.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
To it all.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
You have options, but I do want you to know
sometimes we can be in relationships with unchanged people because
we've changed. I no longer have the expectation that you're
going to have anything hopeful or you know, inviting to
say when I tell you this. I no longer have
the expectation that you won't talk about my father.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
I no longer have.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
The expectation that you should like my style. I've changed
my expectations of you. And you know, a thing about style.
Style is so particular and personal. And even when I'm
shopping in the store, I'll look at the salesperson and
they like, yeah, you should get this, and I.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Look at the outfit. I'm like, girl, I don't want
to dress like you, you know.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
So it's such a personal There may be certain colors,
certain cuts, certain you know, fabrics where it's like not
my thing, you know. So someone's saying like, oh, oh
I don't like that shirt, Well what kind of shirts
do they wear. Are those shirts that you even want
to wear? I think about that. It's so personal. Now
(21:08):
they don't have to share with you that they don't
like your shirt. But you know, style is such a
personal thing, and so sometimes when people are saying things,
it's really personal to them. And I get it. They
feel like they have this perspective.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
But you know, in my.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Head, I'm like, you're not Naomi Campbell, you know, like
I'm not listening to you. But they I don't want
to say thank you, but you know, even maybe saying hey,
our style is different, you know, like sometimes the age
gap with a mother and daughter, Like there's so many
things there that you can say that my transition that conversation,
I think about my children who are in mid drift
(21:47):
showing era, and you.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Know what I think about it. I'm like, oh, my
stomach would be so cold.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
That's what I like.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
A high ride.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
I want my belly button cover at all time. This
code out here, you know.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
So these are the things I think about, and they're like, yes,
belly out.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
You know, like it's not that they need to dress
like me. I need to dress like them. There are
some things I just need to be quiet about and
some of us don't know that. Some of us have
not mastered the power of quiet. Some of us have
not mastered Your.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Opinion doesn't matter.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
We are still a work in progress, or we're not
even working. How about that some of us are on
break from any healing, and it's prolonged, it's always under construction,
forever and ever. We haven't started. Some of us are
not doing any work, and we're not doing any work,
and we're in these you know, relationships with folks like you,
(22:49):
who I'm sure has you know, followed me on Instagram,
read my book, you listen to this podcast. You are healing,
You are on a journey. You know the boundaries of
parents and child and what parents shouldn't talk about with children.
You know that it's not okay for you to comment
on people's fashion and body and all of this stuff.
(23:10):
Your mother, she may not know that. I don't know
if she follows me on Instagram. I don't know if
she read the books. I don't know if she listened
to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
And if she did, you know what she may say
when she look at those videos.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Look at that girl hand gesture, She's silly, you know, like,
who knows? So what someone else is getting from something.
But our healing is our healing, and somebody else is
not healing, lack of growth, stuck this that's their stuff.
And one thing that many of us do not have
(23:45):
time for is to do anybody else's work. I can't
even do all the work I'm supposed to do, not
in the day and probably not in a lifetime, so
I certainly cannot help another and do their work.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
I would fail daily here. Okay, so here's all the
work you have to and put a over there.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
No, m m no, we don't have that level of time.
What we can do is our stuff. And when we're
reading these books, going to therapy, listening to podcasts, we
are hopefully learning how to exist in the world with
people who are doing none of that with a level
(24:31):
of compassion that says, look how much they're hurting. They
don't even see how they're showing up instead of oh
they need a change, like me, I hear a lot
of steps in between. You know, it's this work is hard,
you know, it's it's really hard, And sometimes I understand
(24:54):
why people don't do it at all, because I'd be like,
I do not want to feel anything. I don't I
do not want to feel these feelings. I would rather
not today. So even uncovering this stuff, recognizing that there
were some judgment errors in your parenting, that's a lot.
(25:16):
That's a lot. You need to hear this. You may
be the only person in your relationship doing the work.
And what is the work. The work could be, you know,
unraveling some of the things that you were taught that
are no longer helpful, learning how to exist in relationships
(25:37):
with people in a boundaried and healthy way. You may
be the only person doing that, so do not be
shocked when you encounter people who are not open to
the work and who are not open to change. You
need to hear This is an iHeart production hosted by
(25:57):
mend your Glover to Why. Our executive producer is Joel Bonique.
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships at you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
(26:19):
to it, and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this. Talk to you next time
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.