January 25, 2024 • 22 mins
We're back! Nedra answers a message from someone with a competitive relationship between her new sister-in-law. Two couples in this family are at odds with no clear way out of a years-long beef. Nedra advises on how to stay calm and recognize our own biases in relationships.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm netric lover to wob and
you need to hear this. As you may have noticed,
we've had a small break and during that time, I
have watched enough holiday movies for all of us. Yes,
I am still watching holiday movies in January. There are
so many now. When I was growing up, it was
(00:24):
like six. Now there are like sixty per streaming service.
And I want to see them all, you know, I'm
still centering the joy of the season. So we're back,
and I spent my time, you know, watching movies, spending
time with my family, getting clear about my intentions for
(00:46):
twenty twenty four, doing a whole lot of you know,
going to bed early, connecting with friends. It's been a
really restorative time and I hope it's been the same
in your life. I hope that you are about the intention,
you know for twenty twenty four, the intention for today,
the intention for this week. You know, what do you
(01:08):
want to feel more of? What do you want to
feel less of? Those sort of things. So, you know,
the new year is really like a refresh, and so
is your birthday, and so is any day you know.
So let's not just say okay, I didn't do it.
January first, tomorrow is a day to have a new year.
So this week we will be talking about competition in friendships. Now,
(01:34):
I don't know about you, but I've certainly had some
friendships where I would like to think maybe I wasn't
the competitor, but not necessarily true. I wouldn't say that
I was competing, but I have felt something. And when
that feeling comes up, for some of us, it's like
get mad at the other person, or do something in
(01:57):
your own life get mad at this other person, or
you know, leave the relationship. And it's also possible that
you can work on your stuff. Because anytime that we're
jealous of someone or we see something that we really want,
it is a clarity moment. It is a time for
(02:17):
us to say, ah, that's what that is. It's not
that they shouldn't have it, they don't need it. We
need to be better than them at this thing. It's wow,
maybe I want that too, and not in the same way,
because sometimes we want stuff but not in the exact
same way as someone else. What I've discovered about competition
(02:40):
in relationships is when we try to capture that thing
that someone else has that we think we need to
get from them or have just like them. It doesn't
feel as good to us because it wasn't our thing
to have. Our stuff is different when you can be
clear about what your relationships should look like and you
(03:04):
know how other people should show up in theirs or
do show up in theirs, you know it feels a
little bit better about not having the exact same thing.
So let's start today's letter. I'm married and I love
my husband dearly. I had a good relationship with his
family prior to his brother being dumped by his then
(03:25):
girlfriend sixish years ago. I met with the girlfriend after
the breakup for coffee, and she alleged that she had
been physically, mentally and emotionally abusive and she was afraid
for her life went around him. She also trashed my
husband and his parents. I didn't believe it and wanted
nothing to do with her afterwards, but she kept texting
me and giving me updates even after I said I
(03:47):
didn't think we should talk any longer and I would
be deleting her from social media and my phone to
make that separation.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Well. Their grandmother fell ill, died, and she showed back
up out of no know where, to be a good friend.
She was simultaneously dating other men and stringing my brother
in law along. I told their mother about it because
he didn't listen to me, and she tried to keep
him away from me. The family hated her. They all
had derogatory nicknames for her, but were never vocal with
(04:18):
him about their disapproval. He began hiding her and through
a literal tantrum because no one bought her anything for
her birthday. His parents began speaking to her again after that,
but I still kept my distance. A year or so later,
at a family wedding, they got so intoxicated and she
tried grinding on my husband. She came running across the
(04:41):
dance floor, but first so I stood up and blocked her,
causing her to bounce off me. She looked at me
and I said, no, what are you doing. She ran
off with my brother in law. Anne was fine. Well,
something happened between them, so she started crying, screaming, causing
a scene and accusing me of pushing her out of
(05:02):
a family picture. They were escorted out by his parents
because at that point they were both crying and screaming.
They were both in their mid to late twenties. By
the way, my husband and I were blamed the next
day and given the silent treatment. They didn't speak to
us for weeks until I spoke with my mother in
law and we addressed the issue. She never spoke with them,
(05:23):
just accepted their version of events, even though the family
picture I allegedly pushed her out of was posted on
social media the very next day. They got engaged that December,
and we got engaged a few days after them. Ours
was planned, theirs was rushed because he was transferred out
of state for training. Nothing really changed then because the
(05:45):
world shut down on March of twenty twenty. My brother
in law completely ignored me, pretended I didn't exist every
single time he saw me, and when they were together
it was even worse. Nothing was said to them or done.
In September of twenty twenty, my mother in law ambushed
me into a conversation with them and blamed me for
(06:07):
the tension. I refused to converse and said they should
have asked us if and when we could speak, as
we had plans that day. I walked out of the
room to leave for our plans, and she followed me out,
trying to manipulate me by calling me a good person.
She proceeded to accuse me of assaulting her at that
wedding while they were slow dancing and leaving bruises, stealing
(06:29):
my brother in law's credit card and using it, hitting
her car with our car, and stealing her shoes. Obviously,
none of this was true, and there was no evidence
of any of this.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
I'm hearing your response to the brother in law's fiance girlfriend.
I'm wandering, is there a collective agreement that this person
is not healthy? And how do we handle you know?
I think this is a bigger conversation around when we
have a few family member who is in a relationship
(07:04):
that is unhealthy for them, how do we show up
in the relationship with that person, and how do we
show up in a relationship with their partner. In some instances,
we may choose not to have a relationship with their partner,
which it sounds like you're saying, I don't want to
buy this person a gift. I don't want to extend
any invice to this person. You are my family that
(07:26):
I will have a relationship with. I wonder how hopeful
is it for us to tell people that we don't
like who they're dating, or that this person isn't good
for them. Sometimes saying that can damage the relationships that
we have with you know, this person who is you know,
(07:48):
being emotionally abused or physically abused, And what might be
more helpful is to support them through this. So when
they're ready to leave or they're ready to take action,
you're the person that they're able to come to. When
we fight against them being in this relationship, sometimes that
pushes them closer to it, you know, it pushes them
(08:09):
right into the arms of this person we want them
to get away from. So the language around what I
think about your spouse needs to be, you know, very
gentle and yet direct. Is it possible that if someone
is saying in a relationship and they're having these issues,
(08:30):
that you can say, you know, hey, I know you
want to continue to be with this person, and I
love you deeply. But also it is hard for me
to hear you talk about the things happening, and I
would like you to find some other support for venting
because it's not always that I directly have this issue
(08:52):
with the person, but I may always hear these terrible
things about this person. And so even when they're in
the company of you. You're not taking on just the
issues they have with you, but also the issues that
they're having in their relationship with this other person. So
it sounds like a triangle, you know, as we call it.
You've been triangulated into the relationship. You are now this
(09:16):
third figure in their relationship, and of course you're going
to be upset. Of course, this stuff is, you know,
not ideal, But I wonder if you are in the
correct space in this relationship. Let's take a break and
we'll be right back. My mother in law was in
(09:42):
the other room and said nothing to defend me or
try to stand up for me With them, she gave
us the silent treatment for weeks.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Again. My husband didn't say much either, but did call
her out for the ridiculous accusations. They never apologized or
even tried to take it accountability for what they said,
but left a gift bag outside of our door that Christmas.
I should also mention that we lived on the first
floor of my in law's home and really can't escape them.
(10:12):
I allowed them to attend our wedding and even allowed
my brother in law to be in our wedding party.
I should also add that he rolled his eyes the
entire ceremony and gave us dirty looks throughout. They never
apologized and things never improved. In fact, she accused me
of trying to kill her because I sent them a
wedding thank you card. She perceived the thank you card
(10:35):
as a death threat. Somehow. There wasn't even any additional
message aside from the generic thank you that went on
every card, But my in laws coddled and comforted her
but never confronted her on it or tried to address it.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Sounds like your in laws are trying to have a
relationship with their son and his wife, and them aligning
with you would impact that they are playing it safe
and not choosing sides, which isn't necessarily a bad thing,
you know. I think that they want to have family gatherings,
(11:12):
They want to be able to be a part of
their son's life, and she seems to be a part
of it as well. When you know that something is off,
or someone is lying, or someone is causing some sort
of chaos, you do not need a group of people
(11:33):
to align with you for that to be true. If
you have this information of her saying, oh, you sent
me a death threat by sending me a thank you card.
I don't know if you need confirmation from anyone else.
I do wonder if you need limited contact with her.
(11:53):
You know, how did you receive this information that she
took it as a death threat? Was it said to directly?
Was it said via text? Was it said through someone
else and they came back and told you? You know,
it's possible to say to someone, hey, guess what you know.
I don't want any messages from this person if they
(12:15):
don't talk to me directly. I don't want to hear
a third hand or you know, secondhand what's going on
in this person's brain about me. How do you protect
your conversations around what is said or not said regarding
this person. Sometimes we like to think like, I don't
(12:38):
like drama. I don't like chaos. I don't like a
lot of confusion while running toward it. And so I'm
just wondering, if you truly do not like any drama,
how do you say out the drama of all of this?
Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Much to mine and everyone one else's surprise, they married
last year. The last couple of years has been a
one sided competition on her end. They asked to live
on the third floor, but were denied, so they bought
a house a few blocks away. My brother in law
and her got into another huge argument at another family
wedding when my father in law danced with us but
(13:19):
refused to dance with them. Every single time we would
spend time with my in laws, she would call or
text information to make herself known. Still no apology or
accountability on their end. My in laws treat them way
better than they treat us. They get away with everything
and anything without consequences. We get the silent treatment for weeks.
(13:43):
They even ignored us when we adopted our dog because
it upset them. They celebrated their dog and were excited
for them. When they got engaged, the in laws celebrated
with them. When we got engaged. They stood in the hallway,
said congratulations and left.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
You know, when we are stating that someone is in
competition with us, is it that we're looking for these
similarities or is it by chance they also need a
place to live, and you know, you seem to be
in a pretty cozy spot right like if you're living
(14:22):
with it in laws, you know, maybe it's like, well,
this is the best place for us too. We can
save money, Does that necessarily mean oh my gosh, they're
trying to live how we're living. You know, if he
doesn't dance with them, they you know, get upset because
you know, like these sort of things like I think
it could be a bit blurry when you're talking about
(14:44):
family in particular, because with family, it's like, well, you know,
if you had two children and you bought one car,
when you buy the other one a car, like, is
that competition or is that fairness? To some extent, so
some of these things that might seem a bit competitive
might be a fight for fairness and reciprocity in the relationship.
(15:06):
And I'm not saying, hey, there's no competition there, but
the things that you're highlighting are those the competitive areas.
You know, maybe there are some other areas like you know,
you buy a purse, she buys the same purse, or
you know, things like that, whether there is some competition happening,
But in terms of parents and living arrangements and these
(15:27):
sorts of things, it's like, is it a battle for fairness?
I want the same thing that you have, that treatment
that you're receiving, I'd like to receive that same treatment.
Sometimes our biggest issue with people is that we're looking
for people who have never been nice to start being
nice to us, or to change their behavior, or you know,
(15:47):
why aren't they doing this thing? And it's like they
don't have to, they don't want to, they don't have to.
Maybe they don't know. I think a lot of the
learning that we have to do it requires time. You know,
maybe they're not in the space to do it yet.
And if I know that you have certain qualities, I
have the opportunity to figure out once again, how do
(16:12):
I invite you to these gatherings without having the expectation
that you will celebrate me. You know, if I want
you there as family, everybody may not celebrate me equally.
Do I want you there if that's the case, or
am I requiring that everybody comes by and shakes my hand?
Speaker 2 (16:30):
You know?
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Like, what are the rules for you with engaging with
this couple? Are the rules even clear? Let's take a
quick break.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
My brother in law and his now wife announced that
they are expecting next year. They already get away with murder,
so they'll be untouchable now, and I'm dreading it. I'm
not happy for them, really feel like it's terrible news.
Which is awful because it's not the fetus's fault. My
husband and I have started trying to conceive, so it's
(17:08):
also upsetting me for that reason. I'm just so tired
of this family and want peace, But at the same time,
I feel like I deserve an apology. My in laws
want nothing more than for us to forget everything that
happened and to move on, regardless of our feelings, because
they're family. They've said this multiple times. I don't consider
(17:30):
them my family. Family is supposed to love you and
care for you. I don't feel loved by them, or
even welcomed by them. I just don't know what to
do anymore, and I'm tired. My husband has spoken with
his brother as well as his parents and tried to
repair things without any success. There are always promises, but
(17:52):
never any follow through. Do you have any advice or suggestions?
Thank you?
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Have you tried to have a conversation. What are the
things exactly that you're wanting an apology for? Are there
any apologies on your end that need to be issued
to them? You know sometimes we think about, oh my gosh,
they need to apologize to me. Well, maybe you have
some things that you need to apologize for although you're
(18:22):
having challenges with this couple that has nothing to do
with them becoming parents, And I wonder how you will
perform as an aunt and how your husband will perform
as an uncle, separate from your relationship challenges with their parents,
(18:45):
you know, to say, they already get away with murder
and they're going to be untouchable because of this baby.
I'm hearing a bit of competition in your language. It's
almost like who can have the baby first, and that's
the person who is.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
You know, the greater couple.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
And that may not be true in the eyes of
your in laws. It may be that all of their
grandchildren are treated well. Now we're getting into a territory
of I just know, and this is going to be,
you know, terrible, and it's you know, it's not just
them being competitive with you. I'm also hearing some competition
(19:24):
in terms of timeline. And I get that you're in
this place of wanting your own family, but it's really
important to treat others, especially when you're saying, well, they
should do this and they should do that. Are you
doing those things with them? You know, you're upset at
(19:44):
them for not congratulating you at your engagement. Are you
congratulating them with this pregnancy, are you matching their energy?
Or are you being the energetic, in charge force that
you can be with your integrity intact? Because let me
tell you. If you're saying, well, if y'all don't care
(20:07):
about my engagement, I don't care about your baby shower,
what's the difference between her and you? You need to
hear this. With in laws, what are we expecting from them?
It's really important to be clear about that question because
(20:28):
some of us we have an idea of who they
should be, how they respond, and they are human beings
and despite you entering the family, they already have their
own charge in life. So get clear about whether or
not your expectations are even valuable in the family that
(20:52):
you're entering, because sometimes your values are a mismatch for
your in laws. It could be perfect for you and
your partner and the people in your house and it
does not fit with your in laws. It doesn't mean
oh my gosh, we can't be in relationship, But how
can I be in a relationship with a person who
fill in the blank right? How do I show up
(21:15):
in relationships that are not ideal? Your work is to
figure out how to engage in family dynamics without being
the producer of the drama. You need to hear This
(21:36):
is an iHeart production. Host it by me Nadra Glover
to wob Our. Executive producer is Joe L.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Baldique.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships that you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
to it and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Talk to you next time. M
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm netric lover to wob and
you need to hear this. As you may have noticed,
we've had a small break and during that time, I
have watched enough holiday movies for all of us. Yes,
I am still watching holiday movies in January. There are
so many now. When I was growing up, it was
(00:24):
like six. Now there are like sixty per streaming service.
And I want to see them all, you know, I'm
still centering the joy of the season. So we're back,
and I spent my time, you know, watching movies, spending
time with my family, getting clear about my intentions for
(00:46):
twenty twenty four, doing a whole lot of you know,
going to bed early, connecting with friends. It's been a
really restorative time and I hope it's been the same
in your life. I hope that you are about the intention,
you know for twenty twenty four, the intention for today,
the intention for this week. You know, what do you
(01:08):
want to feel more of? What do you want to
feel less of? Those sort of things. So, you know,
the new year is really like a refresh, and so
is your birthday, and so is any day you know.
So let's not just say okay, I didn't do it.
January first, tomorrow is a day to have a new year.
So this week we will be talking about competition in friendships. Now,
(01:34):
I don't know about you, but I've certainly had some
friendships where I would like to think maybe I wasn't
the competitor, but not necessarily true. I wouldn't say that
I was competing, but I have felt something. And when
that feeling comes up, for some of us, it's like
get mad at the other person, or do something in
(01:57):
your own life get mad at this other person, or
you know, leave the relationship. And it's also possible that
you can work on your stuff. Because anytime that we're
jealous of someone or we see something that we really want,
it is a clarity moment. It is a time for
(02:17):
us to say, ah, that's what that is. It's not
that they shouldn't have it, they don't need it. We
need to be better than them at this thing. It's wow,
maybe I want that too, and not in the same way,
because sometimes we want stuff but not in the exact
same way as someone else. What I've discovered about competition
(02:40):
in relationships is when we try to capture that thing
that someone else has that we think we need to
get from them or have just like them. It doesn't
feel as good to us because it wasn't our thing
to have. Our stuff is different when you can be
clear about what your relationships should look like and you
(03:04):
know how other people should show up in theirs or
do show up in theirs, you know it feels a
little bit better about not having the exact same thing.
So let's start today's letter. I'm married and I love
my husband dearly. I had a good relationship with his
family prior to his brother being dumped by his then
(03:25):
girlfriend sixish years ago. I met with the girlfriend after
the breakup for coffee, and she alleged that she had
been physically, mentally and emotionally abusive and she was afraid
for her life went around him. She also trashed my
husband and his parents. I didn't believe it and wanted
nothing to do with her afterwards, but she kept texting
me and giving me updates even after I said I
(03:47):
didn't think we should talk any longer and I would
be deleting her from social media and my phone to
make that separation.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Well. Their grandmother fell ill, died, and she showed back
up out of no know where, to be a good friend.
She was simultaneously dating other men and stringing my brother
in law along. I told their mother about it because
he didn't listen to me, and she tried to keep
him away from me. The family hated her. They all
had derogatory nicknames for her, but were never vocal with
(04:18):
him about their disapproval. He began hiding her and through
a literal tantrum because no one bought her anything for
her birthday. His parents began speaking to her again after that,
but I still kept my distance. A year or so later,
at a family wedding, they got so intoxicated and she
tried grinding on my husband. She came running across the
(04:41):
dance floor, but first so I stood up and blocked her,
causing her to bounce off me. She looked at me
and I said, no, what are you doing. She ran
off with my brother in law. Anne was fine. Well,
something happened between them, so she started crying, screaming, causing
a scene and accusing me of pushing her out of
(05:02):
a family picture. They were escorted out by his parents
because at that point they were both crying and screaming.
They were both in their mid to late twenties. By
the way, my husband and I were blamed the next
day and given the silent treatment. They didn't speak to
us for weeks until I spoke with my mother in
law and we addressed the issue. She never spoke with them,
(05:23):
just accepted their version of events, even though the family
picture I allegedly pushed her out of was posted on
social media the very next day. They got engaged that December,
and we got engaged a few days after them. Ours
was planned, theirs was rushed because he was transferred out
of state for training. Nothing really changed then because the
(05:45):
world shut down on March of twenty twenty. My brother
in law completely ignored me, pretended I didn't exist every
single time he saw me, and when they were together
it was even worse. Nothing was said to them or done.
In September of twenty twenty, my mother in law ambushed
me into a conversation with them and blamed me for
(06:07):
the tension. I refused to converse and said they should
have asked us if and when we could speak, as
we had plans that day. I walked out of the
room to leave for our plans, and she followed me out,
trying to manipulate me by calling me a good person.
She proceeded to accuse me of assaulting her at that
wedding while they were slow dancing and leaving bruises, stealing
(06:29):
my brother in law's credit card and using it, hitting
her car with our car, and stealing her shoes. Obviously,
none of this was true, and there was no evidence
of any of this.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
I'm hearing your response to the brother in law's fiance girlfriend.
I'm wandering, is there a collective agreement that this person
is not healthy? And how do we handle you know?
I think this is a bigger conversation around when we
have a few family member who is in a relationship
(07:04):
that is unhealthy for them, how do we show up
in the relationship with that person, and how do we
show up in a relationship with their partner. In some instances,
we may choose not to have a relationship with their partner,
which it sounds like you're saying, I don't want to
buy this person a gift. I don't want to extend
any invice to this person. You are my family that
(07:26):
I will have a relationship with. I wonder how hopeful
is it for us to tell people that we don't
like who they're dating, or that this person isn't good
for them. Sometimes saying that can damage the relationships that
we have with you know, this person who is you know,
(07:48):
being emotionally abused or physically abused, And what might be
more helpful is to support them through this. So when
they're ready to leave or they're ready to take action,
you're the person that they're able to come to. When
we fight against them being in this relationship, sometimes that
pushes them closer to it, you know, it pushes them
(08:09):
right into the arms of this person we want them
to get away from. So the language around what I
think about your spouse needs to be, you know, very
gentle and yet direct. Is it possible that if someone
is saying in a relationship and they're having these issues,
(08:30):
that you can say, you know, hey, I know you
want to continue to be with this person, and I
love you deeply. But also it is hard for me
to hear you talk about the things happening, and I
would like you to find some other support for venting
because it's not always that I directly have this issue
(08:52):
with the person, but I may always hear these terrible
things about this person. And so even when they're in
the company of you. You're not taking on just the
issues they have with you, but also the issues that
they're having in their relationship with this other person. So
it sounds like a triangle, you know, as we call it.
You've been triangulated into the relationship. You are now this
(09:16):
third figure in their relationship, and of course you're going
to be upset. Of course, this stuff is, you know,
not ideal, But I wonder if you are in the
correct space in this relationship. Let's take a break and
we'll be right back. My mother in law was in
(09:42):
the other room and said nothing to defend me or
try to stand up for me With them, she gave
us the silent treatment for weeks.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Again. My husband didn't say much either, but did call
her out for the ridiculous accusations. They never apologized or
even tried to take it accountability for what they said,
but left a gift bag outside of our door that Christmas.
I should also mention that we lived on the first
floor of my in law's home and really can't escape them.
(10:12):
I allowed them to attend our wedding and even allowed
my brother in law to be in our wedding party.
I should also add that he rolled his eyes the
entire ceremony and gave us dirty looks throughout. They never
apologized and things never improved. In fact, she accused me
of trying to kill her because I sent them a
wedding thank you card. She perceived the thank you card
(10:35):
as a death threat. Somehow. There wasn't even any additional
message aside from the generic thank you that went on
every card, But my in laws coddled and comforted her
but never confronted her on it or tried to address it.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Sounds like your in laws are trying to have a
relationship with their son and his wife, and them aligning
with you would impact that they are playing it safe
and not choosing sides, which isn't necessarily a bad thing,
you know. I think that they want to have family gatherings,
(11:12):
They want to be able to be a part of
their son's life, and she seems to be a part
of it as well. When you know that something is off,
or someone is lying, or someone is causing some sort
of chaos, you do not need a group of people
(11:33):
to align with you for that to be true. If
you have this information of her saying, oh, you sent
me a death threat by sending me a thank you card.
I don't know if you need confirmation from anyone else.
I do wonder if you need limited contact with her.
(11:53):
You know, how did you receive this information that she
took it as a death threat? Was it said to directly?
Was it said via text? Was it said through someone
else and they came back and told you? You know,
it's possible to say to someone, hey, guess what you know.
I don't want any messages from this person if they
(12:15):
don't talk to me directly. I don't want to hear
a third hand or you know, secondhand what's going on
in this person's brain about me. How do you protect
your conversations around what is said or not said regarding
this person. Sometimes we like to think like, I don't
(12:38):
like drama. I don't like chaos. I don't like a
lot of confusion while running toward it. And so I'm
just wondering, if you truly do not like any drama,
how do you say out the drama of all of this?
Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Much to mine and everyone one else's surprise, they married
last year. The last couple of years has been a
one sided competition on her end. They asked to live
on the third floor, but were denied, so they bought
a house a few blocks away. My brother in law
and her got into another huge argument at another family
wedding when my father in law danced with us but
(13:19):
refused to dance with them. Every single time we would
spend time with my in laws, she would call or
text information to make herself known. Still no apology or
accountability on their end. My in laws treat them way
better than they treat us. They get away with everything
and anything without consequences. We get the silent treatment for weeks.
(13:43):
They even ignored us when we adopted our dog because
it upset them. They celebrated their dog and were excited
for them. When they got engaged, the in laws celebrated
with them. When we got engaged. They stood in the hallway,
said congratulations and left.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
You know, when we are stating that someone is in
competition with us, is it that we're looking for these
similarities or is it by chance they also need a
place to live, and you know, you seem to be
in a pretty cozy spot right like if you're living
(14:22):
with it in laws, you know, maybe it's like, well,
this is the best place for us too. We can
save money, Does that necessarily mean oh my gosh, they're
trying to live how we're living. You know, if he
doesn't dance with them, they you know, get upset because
you know, like these sort of things like I think
it could be a bit blurry when you're talking about
(14:44):
family in particular, because with family, it's like, well, you know,
if you had two children and you bought one car,
when you buy the other one a car, like, is
that competition or is that fairness? To some extent, so
some of these things that might seem a bit competitive
might be a fight for fairness and reciprocity in the relationship.
(15:06):
And I'm not saying, hey, there's no competition there, but
the things that you're highlighting are those the competitive areas.
You know, maybe there are some other areas like you know,
you buy a purse, she buys the same purse, or
you know, things like that, whether there is some competition happening,
But in terms of parents and living arrangements and these
(15:27):
sorts of things, it's like, is it a battle for fairness?
I want the same thing that you have, that treatment
that you're receiving, I'd like to receive that same treatment.
Sometimes our biggest issue with people is that we're looking
for people who have never been nice to start being
nice to us, or to change their behavior, or you know,
(15:47):
why aren't they doing this thing? And it's like they
don't have to, they don't want to, they don't have to.
Maybe they don't know. I think a lot of the
learning that we have to do it requires time. You know,
maybe they're not in the space to do it yet.
And if I know that you have certain qualities, I
have the opportunity to figure out once again, how do
(16:12):
I invite you to these gatherings without having the expectation
that you will celebrate me. You know, if I want
you there as family, everybody may not celebrate me equally.
Do I want you there if that's the case, or
am I requiring that everybody comes by and shakes my hand?
Speaker 2 (16:30):
You know?
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Like, what are the rules for you with engaging with
this couple? Are the rules even clear? Let's take a
quick break.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
My brother in law and his now wife announced that
they are expecting next year. They already get away with murder,
so they'll be untouchable now, and I'm dreading it. I'm
not happy for them, really feel like it's terrible news.
Which is awful because it's not the fetus's fault. My
husband and I have started trying to conceive, so it's
(17:08):
also upsetting me for that reason. I'm just so tired
of this family and want peace, But at the same time,
I feel like I deserve an apology. My in laws
want nothing more than for us to forget everything that
happened and to move on, regardless of our feelings, because
they're family. They've said this multiple times. I don't consider
(17:30):
them my family. Family is supposed to love you and
care for you. I don't feel loved by them, or
even welcomed by them. I just don't know what to
do anymore, and I'm tired. My husband has spoken with
his brother as well as his parents and tried to
repair things without any success. There are always promises, but
(17:52):
never any follow through. Do you have any advice or suggestions?
Thank you?
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Have you tried to have a conversation. What are the
things exactly that you're wanting an apology for? Are there
any apologies on your end that need to be issued
to them? You know sometimes we think about, oh my gosh,
they need to apologize to me. Well, maybe you have
some things that you need to apologize for although you're
(18:22):
having challenges with this couple that has nothing to do
with them becoming parents, And I wonder how you will
perform as an aunt and how your husband will perform
as an uncle, separate from your relationship challenges with their parents,
(18:45):
you know, to say, they already get away with murder
and they're going to be untouchable because of this baby.
I'm hearing a bit of competition in your language. It's
almost like who can have the baby first, and that's
the person who is.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
You know, the greater couple.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
And that may not be true in the eyes of
your in laws. It may be that all of their
grandchildren are treated well. Now we're getting into a territory
of I just know, and this is going to be,
you know, terrible, and it's you know, it's not just
them being competitive with you. I'm also hearing some competition
(19:24):
in terms of timeline. And I get that you're in
this place of wanting your own family, but it's really
important to treat others, especially when you're saying, well, they
should do this and they should do that. Are you
doing those things with them? You know, you're upset at
(19:44):
them for not congratulating you at your engagement. Are you
congratulating them with this pregnancy, are you matching their energy?
Or are you being the energetic, in charge force that
you can be with your integrity intact? Because let me
tell you. If you're saying, well, if y'all don't care
(20:07):
about my engagement, I don't care about your baby shower,
what's the difference between her and you? You need to
hear this. With in laws, what are we expecting from them?
It's really important to be clear about that question because
(20:28):
some of us we have an idea of who they
should be, how they respond, and they are human beings
and despite you entering the family, they already have their
own charge in life. So get clear about whether or
not your expectations are even valuable in the family that
(20:52):
you're entering, because sometimes your values are a mismatch for
your in laws. It could be perfect for you and
your partner and the people in your house and it
does not fit with your in laws. It doesn't mean
oh my gosh, we can't be in relationship, But how
can I be in a relationship with a person who
fill in the blank right? How do I show up
(21:15):
in relationships that are not ideal? Your work is to
figure out how to engage in family dynamics without being
the producer of the drama. You need to hear This
(21:36):
is an iHeart production. Host it by me Nadra Glover
to wob Our. Executive producer is Joe L.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Baldique.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships that you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
to it and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Talk to you next time. M
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