May 3, 2024 • 16 mins
This week's call comes from a mother in the midst of a brutal and messy divorce. She fears for the safety of herself and her children while feeling abandoned by those who are meant to help. Nedra offers places to turn and encourages the rest of us to be a resource for those that need it.
Submit a message of your own at youneedtohearthis@iheartmedia.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to WIB and you
need to hear this. In today's episode, we are talking
about a sensitive topic. I don't think we've followed this
topic before on the podcast, but today we are talking
about domestic violence in your area. There are support services
available and if you are experiencing domestic violence, or if
(00:25):
you know of someone who is experiencing domestic violence, it
can be very helpful for you to have that information
and to utilize it when you need. So in today's call,
we're talking to a mother who decided to leave her perpetrator,
and to no surprise, you know, there are people around
(00:45):
her who are not being supportive of this. But listen,
there are times in our lives where we need to
make a safety decision and it is not for other
people to decide what is best when you are trying
to stay alive and be safe. So let's listen to
today's car and if it gets tough for you at
(01:06):
any moments, feel free to pause.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Dan Al, I'm going through brutal divorce. I ran out
of my own home with my two children and just
my phone a year back. At that time, my husband
was having a complete mental breakdown, and I feared for
my and my children's lives. My daughter is almost seven
(01:30):
and my son is four. I fired for divorce six
months later, and my husband's threats and blues has intensified
against me and my family. He would send threats on
what'sapp and he would also come over to the building
to issue his threats in person. I have find a
(01:54):
domestic wilding complete as I has gone to the police
for help. To give you a background, I was married
for eight years, and before that really did for ten years.
I met him when I was eighteen. It's only shown
an interest in women, but I saw that things would
settle down once we got married, but it only worsened
once I got pregnant with my first child. He had
(02:17):
a fact but he would come and tell me that
he had slept with some woman, some intern in his office.
If I got upset about it, he would shut and
see that I was fussing. I was being mean. Why
wouldn't I just accept it? After all, he was being honest.
Why couldn't I handle such things with more grease?
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Thank you for writing the end. I know that this
is not an easy story to share, and this is
the first time that we have maybe talked about domestic
violence in a direct way on this podcast, So thank
you for sharing this because someone needs to hear it today.
(03:00):
When you are in a violent situation, you know, the
abuse starts to happen emotionally before any physical abuse is done.
The mental and the emotional abuse happens first. And having
someone say to you, you know, why can't you just
accept it or what's wrong with you? After they do
(03:22):
something that's not great behavior or they're mean or they're abusive,
that is also part of the abuse. And I'm sure
that you know it leaves you questioning yourself and wondering like,
is there something wrong with me? Am I you know,
not handling this situation well, And it's no, You're being
given a situation that really people aren't supposed to handle well.
(03:46):
And so you know, as you're going through this divorce process,
there will have to be some rewiring that you do
to better understand that this was also a part of
the abuse. There will be some ruminating, some thoughts that
constantly come up and replaying of situations because you may
(04:08):
find that you know, at the time, I didn't think
it was maybe a problem, but now that I'm thinking
about it. That doesn't feel right that that person said
that to me, or it doesn't feel right that I
allow them to do that. So as you're going through
this process, you will notice some replying, and it just
means that your brain is now able to process some
(04:32):
of this stuff and really go through it. So you know,
the most brutal part of this is like the memories
of all the things you endured during this marriage.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
My son was wondering the people of Covid in twenty
twenty April, and the lockdome period of two years was rightful.
He often talked about how I was never there for him.
I never had time for him, which is why he
had to look out for others really to satisfy his
physical and emotional needs. I took care of our kids
(05:05):
back then. My daughter was three and my son was
You're born all by myself. He isolated me from my family,
even though my parents stayed two minutes away from where
I stay. He also started to physically abuse me by
holding my neck, pinning me to the wole and saying,
what will you do? You know, try and escape, let
me see what can you do. He also started to
(05:29):
physically abuse my daughter. He threatened her. He would often
say to her, do you want me to come there?
You don't want me to come there? You know what
I'm going to do to you. She was frightened. Around
a year before I left, he started to force me
to date other men. I simply refused and I was
(05:51):
not interested. I told him, look, you go ahead to
whatever you want, but I need a peaceful home. I
need a peaceful environment. By then, he claimed that he
has left with over forty women that year, and now
things were not as exciting with me since I refused
to beat his angle and physical violence, his threats and
(06:13):
abuse of them was and worth delay. Now out of
my home, fearing for our lives.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
You know, as I hear this, I am proud of
you for protecting yourself and your family in this situation.
To endure this for any length of time, it sounds
like you know something that will certainly be long term impactful.
(06:42):
And even in the midst of this, you trying to
maintain your home environment and make sure that you are
honoring yourself and disagreeing. And I know that that you
know made things worse for you, But it sounds like
it was really important for you to do in those
moments to really bargain with him for your small pieces
(07:06):
of freedom was really important to you. I want to
keep listening, and as we listen, you know, I want
you to think about listener the people in your life
who are in unhappy relationships, going through difficult divorces, in
domestic violence situations, or just questionable circumstances. How can we
(07:31):
support them? How can we show up for them when
they sometimes can't show up for themselves. What words of encouragement,
what resources? What can we give to a person who's
going through a situation that you know, maybe we don't
understand or our understanding is limited. How can we help
(07:53):
them along the path of, you know, leaving. I think
often we feel like, well, if a person has a
problem and they're ready to leave, they will come to
me and let me know. But it's much harder than that,
as we can hear that these processes unfold over time,
and people aren't all mean to you at once. You know,
(08:15):
It's like it happens in these small bursts, and then
there's night, then they're nice, and then they repair, and
then it happens again, and it's this constant cycle of abuse,
and so it is really important for us to be
able to be patient with people who are in abusive
relationships and also to not force them to leave because
(08:36):
they have to be ready. Now. Certainly, if there is
a danger situation, it could be helpful to safety plan
with a friend, and what that might look like is
giving them a list of domestic violence shelters in the
neighborhood or in your community, just letting them know, hey,
you know, if you run into an issue, it could
be the middle of the night, anytime of day, here's
(08:58):
an agency or an organization that could help you, and
you can leave that there. You don't have to say
you have to call or ask them about it anymore.
Just give them the resource. So how we support people
certainly matters in these situations. Let's take a quick break
and we will come back and finish listening.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
My question is his father keeps telling me that I
am the only one that can talk to him because
he trusted me back then and I would be the
only one who could counsel him and help and see reality.
When we had a meeting with the judge, he was
so dramatic. He cried and he talked about my kids,
(09:43):
my children, and the judge instead of telling him anything,
counseled me that I should not keep the children away.
I could make sure the children were not scared of him.
When I didn't meet a help is, she told me that, look,
this is a person who might be suffering from some
mental health issue and you should support him. You could
(10:06):
help him, and divorce was not a good idea right now.
Given this stream of mind, he might not be able
to handle it and his mental health may version. Now.
I do not wish for this man to be anywhere
near my children, but I fear I will not see
that happen. Even the court are not supporting me. How
(10:26):
do I handle such a situation? How do I protect
my children and myself from him? He met the children
once last month and he abused me and my family
in front of them. And he keeps interrogating the children
who came to see you. Was that your uncle? What
gives to you there? And he uses all that information
(10:50):
against me by issuing threat by stopping my family members.
I don't know what to do because I'm not able
to see the lighted this it's done and advice, I
would greek you appreciate that. Thanks.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
I'm hearing a need for more support in your area.
In your community, there are domestic violent shelters and advocates
who are more aware of the law in your area.
And it sounds like you are at a time and
certainly in a space where you need to contact someone
on your behalf. I live in Charlotte, North Carolina, and
(11:33):
there is an agency here that does domestic violence screenings
and they will help you with Foley restraining orders, help
you with relocation monies, and even some financial support to
help you set yourself up. And in your area there
is very likely a similar support. It can be really
(11:55):
helpful for you to tap into those because it sounds
like family saying you know this person is going through
an issue and you need to stay in the situation,
but for your safety. It sounds like you are making
a different choice, and so having someone familiar with the
landscape of your community is going to be very beneficial.
(12:17):
There are many people who will have something to say
who may not support your decision, whether that is cultural,
whether that is just you know, their belief system that
people can work through this. It's something that you may
come up against, but also something that might not be
very helpful for you in this situation. So I would
certainly say, you know, find some support in your community
(12:40):
that aligns with what you need in this moment, and
it's not encouragement around staying in a very dangerous situation.
And this could work for your husband too, if he
wants to find some sort of support to help him
with his domestic violence issues, that possible. You know, there
(13:02):
are people who help perpetrators as well. It's not just
for victims. There are services for perpetrators. So if that's
something that he wants to do and get some mental
health assistance or maybe get some support around this, he can.
But you know, at this time, we are worried about
you and the things that you need, so tapping into
(13:22):
some resources in your community will be very helpful and
will give you the safety and comfort that you need
at this time. All mental health professionals are not created equal.
I will not stand up for anybody in my field
that I do not know, but I will say this,
sometimes we get bad information from people, and if you're
(13:42):
in a dangerous situation and someone is telling you to
consider the other person and stay, I would reconsider that
advice because it can, you know, be detrimental for you
to not be in a dangerous situation, you know, so
the advice of oh my gosh, this person is going
through this thing, that could be true. And also you
(14:04):
may need to find a new person to talk to
as a mental health professional. Sure, people who are perpetrators
probably have some mental health issues. However, not everyone with
mental health issues abuse other people, and so that must
be said as well that you know, of course we
want to make sure that but you know, I mentioned
(14:25):
that there's treatment on both sides. Is not a one
sided resource for treatment. It's like, no, both people can
get treatment, and you may not need to be with
a person who's abusive to you. So this idea that
you have to be really sensitive to the person's mental
health needs when you're being mistreated, how sensitive And are
(14:46):
there safety issues you know that we need to be
concerned about are you at risk? If you're at risk,
I don't think you need to, you know, wait it
out and consider it. If someone is doing something to
themselves or they're in the early stages of exhibiting something,
maybe that's something where it's like, oh my gosh, let
me get this person some support. But when mental health
(15:07):
issues have been turned on you in a very violent way.
That is not the time to take care of the
person who is being violent. So if you are stuck
on oh my gosh, this person has a mental health
issue and I should help them, you may want to
err towards helping yourself. Deciding to leave someone is never
(15:27):
an easy decision, especially when you're leaving under a state
of panic and without the support of other people in
your life. So I know this is a tough decision,
but it also sounds like it's a very safe one.
You need to hear this. We can be a resource
(15:48):
for the people in our lives. You know, if we
know someone in a domestic violent situation, it might be
helpful for us to have some phone numbers to be
able to share to connect them with people who have
been in similar situations to them. That can be the
support that they need in this moment. So, if you
(16:09):
are unable to help, being a resource is a really
beautiful way that we can show up for people. You
need to hear. This is an iHeart production host it
by Mendra Glover to WOP. Our executive producer is Joel Balnique.
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
(16:33):
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships at you need to Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
to it, and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this. Talk to you next time.
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to WIB and you
need to hear this. In today's episode, we are talking
about a sensitive topic. I don't think we've followed this
topic before on the podcast, but today we are talking
about domestic violence in your area. There are support services
available and if you are experiencing domestic violence, or if
(00:25):
you know of someone who is experiencing domestic violence, it
can be very helpful for you to have that information
and to utilize it when you need. So in today's call,
we're talking to a mother who decided to leave her perpetrator,
and to no surprise, you know, there are people around
(00:45):
her who are not being supportive of this. But listen,
there are times in our lives where we need to
make a safety decision and it is not for other
people to decide what is best when you are trying
to stay alive and be safe. So let's listen to
today's car and if it gets tough for you at
(01:06):
any moments, feel free to pause.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Dan Al, I'm going through brutal divorce. I ran out
of my own home with my two children and just
my phone a year back. At that time, my husband
was having a complete mental breakdown, and I feared for
my and my children's lives. My daughter is almost seven
(01:30):
and my son is four. I fired for divorce six
months later, and my husband's threats and blues has intensified
against me and my family. He would send threats on
what'sapp and he would also come over to the building
to issue his threats in person. I have find a
(01:54):
domestic wilding complete as I has gone to the police
for help. To give you a background, I was married
for eight years, and before that really did for ten years.
I met him when I was eighteen. It's only shown
an interest in women, but I saw that things would
settle down once we got married, but it only worsened
once I got pregnant with my first child. He had
(02:17):
a fact but he would come and tell me that
he had slept with some woman, some intern in his office.
If I got upset about it, he would shut and
see that I was fussing. I was being mean. Why
wouldn't I just accept it? After all, he was being honest.
Why couldn't I handle such things with more grease?
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Thank you for writing the end. I know that this
is not an easy story to share, and this is
the first time that we have maybe talked about domestic
violence in a direct way on this podcast, So thank
you for sharing this because someone needs to hear it today.
(03:00):
When you are in a violent situation, you know, the
abuse starts to happen emotionally before any physical abuse is done.
The mental and the emotional abuse happens first. And having
someone say to you, you know, why can't you just
accept it or what's wrong with you? After they do
(03:22):
something that's not great behavior or they're mean or they're abusive,
that is also part of the abuse. And I'm sure
that you know it leaves you questioning yourself and wondering like,
is there something wrong with me? Am I you know,
not handling this situation well, And it's no, You're being
given a situation that really people aren't supposed to handle well.
(03:46):
And so you know, as you're going through this divorce process,
there will have to be some rewiring that you do
to better understand that this was also a part of
the abuse. There will be some ruminating, some thoughts that
constantly come up and replaying of situations because you may
(04:08):
find that you know, at the time, I didn't think
it was maybe a problem, but now that I'm thinking
about it. That doesn't feel right that that person said
that to me, or it doesn't feel right that I
allow them to do that. So as you're going through
this process, you will notice some replying, and it just
means that your brain is now able to process some
(04:32):
of this stuff and really go through it. So you know,
the most brutal part of this is like the memories
of all the things you endured during this marriage.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
My son was wondering the people of Covid in twenty
twenty April, and the lockdome period of two years was rightful.
He often talked about how I was never there for him.
I never had time for him, which is why he
had to look out for others really to satisfy his
physical and emotional needs. I took care of our kids
(05:05):
back then. My daughter was three and my son was
You're born all by myself. He isolated me from my family,
even though my parents stayed two minutes away from where
I stay. He also started to physically abuse me by
holding my neck, pinning me to the wole and saying,
what will you do? You know, try and escape, let
me see what can you do. He also started to
(05:29):
physically abuse my daughter. He threatened her. He would often
say to her, do you want me to come there?
You don't want me to come there? You know what
I'm going to do to you. She was frightened. Around
a year before I left, he started to force me
to date other men. I simply refused and I was
(05:51):
not interested. I told him, look, you go ahead to
whatever you want, but I need a peaceful home. I
need a peaceful environment. By then, he claimed that he
has left with over forty women that year, and now
things were not as exciting with me since I refused
to beat his angle and physical violence, his threats and
(06:13):
abuse of them was and worth delay. Now out of
my home, fearing for our lives.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
You know, as I hear this, I am proud of
you for protecting yourself and your family in this situation.
To endure this for any length of time, it sounds
like you know something that will certainly be long term impactful.
(06:42):
And even in the midst of this, you trying to
maintain your home environment and make sure that you are
honoring yourself and disagreeing. And I know that that you
know made things worse for you, But it sounds like
it was really important for you to do in those
moments to really bargain with him for your small pieces
(07:06):
of freedom was really important to you. I want to
keep listening, and as we listen, you know, I want
you to think about listener the people in your life
who are in unhappy relationships, going through difficult divorces, in
domestic violence situations, or just questionable circumstances. How can we
(07:31):
support them? How can we show up for them when
they sometimes can't show up for themselves. What words of encouragement,
what resources? What can we give to a person who's
going through a situation that you know, maybe we don't
understand or our understanding is limited. How can we help
(07:53):
them along the path of, you know, leaving. I think
often we feel like, well, if a person has a
problem and they're ready to leave, they will come to
me and let me know. But it's much harder than that,
as we can hear that these processes unfold over time,
and people aren't all mean to you at once. You know,
(08:15):
It's like it happens in these small bursts, and then
there's night, then they're nice, and then they repair, and
then it happens again, and it's this constant cycle of abuse,
and so it is really important for us to be
able to be patient with people who are in abusive
relationships and also to not force them to leave because
(08:36):
they have to be ready. Now. Certainly, if there is
a danger situation, it could be helpful to safety plan
with a friend, and what that might look like is
giving them a list of domestic violence shelters in the
neighborhood or in your community, just letting them know, hey,
you know, if you run into an issue, it could
be the middle of the night, anytime of day, here's
(08:58):
an agency or an organization that could help you, and
you can leave that there. You don't have to say
you have to call or ask them about it anymore.
Just give them the resource. So how we support people
certainly matters in these situations. Let's take a quick break
and we will come back and finish listening.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
My question is his father keeps telling me that I
am the only one that can talk to him because
he trusted me back then and I would be the
only one who could counsel him and help and see reality.
When we had a meeting with the judge, he was
so dramatic. He cried and he talked about my kids,
(09:43):
my children, and the judge instead of telling him anything,
counseled me that I should not keep the children away.
I could make sure the children were not scared of him.
When I didn't meet a help is, she told me that, look,
this is a person who might be suffering from some
mental health issue and you should support him. You could
(10:06):
help him, and divorce was not a good idea right now.
Given this stream of mind, he might not be able
to handle it and his mental health may version. Now.
I do not wish for this man to be anywhere
near my children, but I fear I will not see
that happen. Even the court are not supporting me. How
(10:26):
do I handle such a situation? How do I protect
my children and myself from him? He met the children
once last month and he abused me and my family
in front of them. And he keeps interrogating the children
who came to see you. Was that your uncle? What
gives to you there? And he uses all that information
(10:50):
against me by issuing threat by stopping my family members.
I don't know what to do because I'm not able
to see the lighted this it's done and advice, I
would greek you appreciate that. Thanks.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
I'm hearing a need for more support in your area.
In your community, there are domestic violent shelters and advocates
who are more aware of the law in your area.
And it sounds like you are at a time and
certainly in a space where you need to contact someone
on your behalf. I live in Charlotte, North Carolina, and
(11:33):
there is an agency here that does domestic violence screenings
and they will help you with Foley restraining orders, help
you with relocation monies, and even some financial support to
help you set yourself up. And in your area there
is very likely a similar support. It can be really
(11:55):
helpful for you to tap into those because it sounds
like family saying you know this person is going through
an issue and you need to stay in the situation,
but for your safety. It sounds like you are making
a different choice, and so having someone familiar with the
landscape of your community is going to be very beneficial.
(12:17):
There are many people who will have something to say
who may not support your decision, whether that is cultural,
whether that is just you know, their belief system that
people can work through this. It's something that you may
come up against, but also something that might not be
very helpful for you in this situation. So I would
certainly say, you know, find some support in your community
(12:40):
that aligns with what you need in this moment, and
it's not encouragement around staying in a very dangerous situation.
And this could work for your husband too, if he
wants to find some sort of support to help him
with his domestic violence issues, that possible. You know, there
(13:02):
are people who help perpetrators as well. It's not just
for victims. There are services for perpetrators. So if that's
something that he wants to do and get some mental
health assistance or maybe get some support around this, he can.
But you know, at this time, we are worried about
you and the things that you need, so tapping into
(13:22):
some resources in your community will be very helpful and
will give you the safety and comfort that you need
at this time. All mental health professionals are not created equal.
I will not stand up for anybody in my field
that I do not know, but I will say this,
sometimes we get bad information from people, and if you're
(13:42):
in a dangerous situation and someone is telling you to
consider the other person and stay, I would reconsider that
advice because it can, you know, be detrimental for you
to not be in a dangerous situation, you know, so
the advice of oh my gosh, this person is going
through this thing, that could be true. And also you
(14:04):
may need to find a new person to talk to
as a mental health professional. Sure, people who are perpetrators
probably have some mental health issues. However, not everyone with
mental health issues abuse other people, and so that must
be said as well that you know, of course we
want to make sure that but you know, I mentioned
(14:25):
that there's treatment on both sides. Is not a one
sided resource for treatment. It's like, no, both people can
get treatment, and you may not need to be with
a person who's abusive to you. So this idea that
you have to be really sensitive to the person's mental
health needs when you're being mistreated, how sensitive And are
(14:46):
there safety issues you know that we need to be
concerned about are you at risk? If you're at risk,
I don't think you need to, you know, wait it
out and consider it. If someone is doing something to
themselves or they're in the early stages of exhibiting something,
maybe that's something where it's like, oh my gosh, let
me get this person some support. But when mental health
(15:07):
issues have been turned on you in a very violent way.
That is not the time to take care of the
person who is being violent. So if you are stuck
on oh my gosh, this person has a mental health
issue and I should help them, you may want to
err towards helping yourself. Deciding to leave someone is never
(15:27):
an easy decision, especially when you're leaving under a state
of panic and without the support of other people in
your life. So I know this is a tough decision,
but it also sounds like it's a very safe one.
You need to hear this. We can be a resource
(15:48):
for the people in our lives. You know, if we
know someone in a domestic violent situation, it might be
helpful for us to have some phone numbers to be
able to share to connect them with people who have
been in similar situations to them. That can be the
support that they need in this moment. So, if you
(16:09):
are unable to help, being a resource is a really
beautiful way that we can show up for people. You
need to hear. This is an iHeart production host it
by Mendra Glover to WOP. Our executive producer is Joel Balnique.
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
(16:33):
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships at you need to Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
to it, and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this. Talk to you next time.
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Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.