June 22, 2022 • 49 mins
Babes, the tantalizing queen Achieng Agutu joins Zuri for a refreshing, joyous, and vulnerable conversation on how she lost herself after a bad breakup and why choosing herself was the best decision ever made. Achieng gets emotional as she shares about her journey to becoming her unapologetic self, why her therapist is her homegirl, and her special tips on how to actually build confidence!
Stay tuned as Achieng shares the #1 tool to bypass imposter syndrome, why she loathes being called bold (treat her, like you treat Queen Bey!), and why she’s done being resilient and ready to step into her Soft Girl Era.
Share this episode with a friend NOW + let us know your favorite part of the convo: @ZuriHall and @HotHappyMess
Don’t forget to hit up hothappymess.com for all the show notes mentioned in this episode and for ALL the deets on how to join our exclusive Facebook group!
Recent episodes: if ya feel like bingeing:
- ICYMI: Episode 62: How to Cultivate Unconditional Self Worth
- ICYMI: Episode 55: Dating Red Flags. One Night Stands. And Ke]]eping Secrets from Your Man
- ICYMI: Episode 53: The Secret to A Joyful Life... That You Can Begin Today! | Bonus Episode
- ICYMI: Episode 40: Got Peace? The Six Types of Boundaries to Reclaim Yourself
- ICYMI: Episode 24: How to Conquer Imposter Syndrome
- ICYMI: Episode 17: .Are You in a Toxic Relationship?
- ICYMI: Episode 9.5: The Craziest Single Years Sh#t We've Ever Done
- ICYMI: Episode 3: Self Love is Sexy AF
- ICYMI: Episode 2: Comparison Can Steal Your Joy (But This Will Fix It)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hot, happy Mess. Celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Hot happy. I'm Zeri Hall and this is
hot happy mass. Shoot. Hey, y'all, I'm Zeri Hall and
this is hot happy mess. The time has come for
(00:31):
my summer travel. You hear me, I am ready to go.
I'm ready to go. It's been a day, it's been
a week, it's been a month, it's been a year,
it's been a life. I need a vacation. I've been
telling you a little bit, teasing it a little bit
over the last few weeks, and I am finally jetting off.
By the time you hear this, I'm in France. I
(00:53):
might be in London. Um, I'm going, That's what I am.
If you hear noise in the background, that is low
LUs with her plush toy the night before take off.
She is not coming with me. She's going to be
with her sitter. But I will send her pictures and love. Um. So, anyways,
now is a great time to follow me on Instagram
(01:15):
if you don't already, because the content is going to
be next level, I hope. Honestly, I can't make any promises.
I've been in this phase where I am actually just
so caught up in the living of the things that
I'm doing, and honestly also super busy to where like
I don't even have time to post the things that
(01:36):
otherwise would and I'm just having too much fun and
kind of running all over the place trying to squeeze
the fun in, so I don't have time to post it.
So I guess that's a good thing. That's a good
problem to have. UM. But I promised to drop a
little something something here and there while I'm in Europe,
and then you'll get a crop ton probably when I'm back, um,
and then also a solo episode coming after I'm back
(01:57):
from Europe. So hopefully I can woo some my way
through the continent, come back with something interesting to say.
If you have any suggestions, recommendations, things I should try,
places I should eat, whatever, um. While I am in
France and London, let me know. I'm gonna be on
the Riviera. I'm flying into Nice first, and then I'm
(02:18):
debating on spending a couple of days in Paris, not
entirely sure yet, and then I'm gonna end with a
few days in London. So any recommendations are very much welcome.
I am ready to talk with you about confidance. Today's
episode is all about it. I am chatting with the
(02:38):
Confidence Queen a chiang a Gutu. She has one of
the biggest personalities and the best and brightest way is
She is so sweet, such a light. You're gonna love
our convo. But before we jump into the episode, I
want to open up with a listener's review, because you know,
words of affirmation keep us going at dial for Cathy,
says a manifest So I have listened to this podcast
(03:01):
for a year, and it's relative to my life in
my early thirties. Zeri Hall is like my bestie in
my head whenever I need someone to talk to. All
of the topics have been on time for what I
was thinking about, from building wealth to enjoying your singleness.
I enjoyed it all. I even listened to it. I'll repeat, Kathy,
thank you so much for your sweet comment. I'm just
(03:21):
happy and proud and grateful that you've been down for
a year. So thank you for listening to the podcast
for that long. It means a lot and I am
happy to keep them coming, keep these episodes coming, so
please keep listening. I'm so grateful for your support. If
you listening right now, I want to leave us a
review on Apple Podcasts and if I've star rating and
we're on Spotify, then this would be a great moment
(03:44):
to do it. Nope, nope, wait, actually yes, yes, go
do it and then come back so we can get
this party started. Okay, it's time to get this party started.
Here's act all right, y'all, So what's up? You know
how we have tech difficulties here. I just have to
speak truth on the record. So we just had an
amazing intro to this podcast. But today is just today
(04:08):
and we are going to start fresh. So I'm gonna
kick off this bio one more time with this amazing queen. Uh,
here we go. A chiang a Gutu, known as the
Confidence Queen by Vogue, is a changemaker and an Internet
personality who has grown quickly given her creative force, infectious energy,
and charisma. Her constant empowers women to be the best
(04:29):
version of themselves and has built a massive gap in
the self love, self confidence, and body positivity industry. As
a leading black plus sized fashion and lifestyle creator, she's
given much needed representation and visibility to women like her
and as crucial diversity in the digital sphere and beyond.
And she is here with us today, looking absolutely fabulous
(04:50):
on the zoom call Queen, how are you. I'm doing
Grace three, How are you baby? Thank you so much
for having me. Oh, you are so welcome. I'm so
glad you're here. Such light y'all can't see her unless
you're watching the video version of this, but she is
absolutely glowing. The skin is popping, The orange on the
shoulders is everything. And now we're getting the Vogue moments,
we're getting the poses. I just I love you already.
(05:12):
I'm so excited for this conversation. I'm super pumped. Honest,
it's it's a good day today. You know, this summertime
meets around the corner and his glowing sun poking you know,
titty's are out. I'm leaving by the side, best lives.
I gotta catch up with you on that, I mean,
like right now. But let me get the girls together.
(05:33):
You mentioned the sun is poking out. I love to
hear that. So, speaking of sunshine, summer is upon us.
What will you be sipping on this summer? You know,
the thing about me is I'm a bubbly girl. I'm
already drinking. I'm the most right now. Yes, it's so yeah,
it's with a spurting base of pineapple juice. Henty, I
love it. I love it. Are we on Eastern Standard time?
(05:54):
Is this a Pacific standard moment? Like? What are we
doing Eastern Standard time? Honey? Okay, Eastern standing? So it
is one o'clock. I love how you get down. I
would love to be cheersing in solidarity with you. I've
got coffee and a mug that says, I'll tell you
how I'm doing. Not well, bitch, I don't know. I
think one of the real housewives gave this to me,
(06:14):
like years ago, might have been um, I am doing well, though,
contrary to this mug's suggestion, let's do a little rapid fire.
We know what you're sipping on. What is your horoscope sign?
I'm a scorpio? Oh what should we know about scorpios?
Scorpios are really misunderstood. But we are the most loyal,
(06:36):
loving people in the entire world, very all attractive, loyal
and loving and fine. I love it. Okay. What afrobeat
or afropop songs or artists are you loving at the moment? Oh?
I would say burn a boy, love of my life, husband,
just criminal crime. I say burn a boy right now?
(06:57):
And Thames are really rocky. Oh my god, I am
pessed with her upsets listen her whole all of her
music is just a soundtrack to my life. I'm like,
Tim's you really need to like step out of my
private situation and stop writing about it and telling the
world she's really okay. I'm with you on that. Um,
(07:20):
the craziest thing you've ever done for love is hoo girl.
I would say, I move to a different state. That's
a big one. That's a big one, and I will
never do that again. Never. What if okay, what about
(07:44):
ring on the finger? Then then yeah, I think when
it's when it's like ring on finger, this my man,
this is my husband, then that's a different situation. But
if I'm bel just for an everyday, regular decular let
regular decular man, no, I was with That's that, honestly,
is such a good relationship tip in general, that was
(08:06):
the lesson of my twinies. Doing big husband energy stuff
for boyfriend be doing wifey things at a girlfriend salary
is exactly what I was doing for a man who
did not deserve an ounce of my energy. We rebuke it,
(08:26):
rebuke it, Okay. I get secretly annoyed when people call me,
um like bold. Oh yeah, I think people are when
I do things that are just normal as a black woman,
They're like, wow, that's so bold and that's so strong
(08:47):
of you. Like, no, honey, this is just who I am.
They need no label attached to that. It is me
vutu and that's all. Oh. Absolutely, you know that. That's
a really interesting thing that you ring up to. Right.
I think who was it we were reporting on on
Access Hollywood. This is probably a couple of months ago,
a few months ago. Um, it was Lizzo. I think
(09:10):
it was Lizzo and she was saying something about obviously
body positivity and like, oh my god, you're so brave.
You're so brave. You like going out there on stage
in like your onesies and your jumps between or whatever.
And she was like, what is brave about? There's nothing
brave about this. I look damn good and I'm on stage.
Nobody's gonna tell Beyonce you are so brave for going
(09:32):
out on stage. Don't tell it to me, honestly, Like,
even something as as as normal as loving yourself like wow,
you're you're so brave and bold and all these things
like no, honey, it's just and it's shocking you because
it's not normal. It's not normalized. It's not you know,
black people are not given the opportunity to have that space. Yeah. Yeah,
(09:56):
Well that is the perfect segue if ever I had
one into exact actually where this queen comes in, because
you are giving all of the good vibes, all of
the charisma, the energy, the confidence we love to see
that we want more of in our lives. Um And
I mean the confidence, Queen, it is what it is.
Talk to me a little bit about your journey into
this space. Was this something you stumbled into? Was this
(10:19):
always the master plan? Um? And also was this energy
always there? Were you always so confident? Because I had
to grow into my So I'm always curious about other
people's journeys to self love. My journey has been kind
of interesting, and it, I would say, it's seriously like
intentionally started at the beginning of the pandemic. Um. At
(10:41):
that point, um, I was I was probably in like
the darkest place in my life, one of the darkest
places in my life. Um, I wasn't happy. I was depressed. UM,
I was just dealing with just like so much unhealed
um trauma and and really lost, really lost, and and
you know, we had all these time to ourselves. You know,
(11:03):
we're not working people. He went from home or you know,
school was canceled and all these things. So I intentionally
decided that, like, I'm going to do something to get
back to myself, to get back to the person that
I know I am, and no longer live in this toxic,
weird space where I felt like I didn't feel loved,
(11:25):
I didn't love myself, I didn't feel seen, I didn't
feel worthy, nothing. And so I started going to therapy.
You know, shout out to my therapist, home girl, you
were the realist, UM. And so I started going to
therapy and really just working on myself. And UM, I
had started just like posting my journey on social media
(11:47):
on Instagram, UM, and just talking about like how I
was feeling, what I was going through, what I learned today,
you know, you know, just like authentically what I was feeling,
you know, to my best capability, and a lot of
people at that point where like, thank you so much
for sharing this. I I really needed to hear that today,
but thank you so much for dancing on your story today.
(12:09):
I really needed that joy. Or I've been feeling like
that too. And um, I had already been doing Instagram
at that point, but sort of like posting this very
curated version of myself, the perfect picture, the perfect video,
the perfect quote, saying the perfect things, and I had
sort of like just like let go, and I was like,
what if I'm just going to post whatever I want?
(12:30):
And when I started feeling and seeing that people didn't
want to just like see the perfect continent and just
wanted to like feel something. They wanted to to feel
inspired to do something or feel entertained or excited or
happy or sad or whatever. When I started to realize that,
like I was like, oh, this could be my purpose,
(12:51):
you know, this could be the beginning of something for
me that I've been searching for for so long. And
that's kind of like where it started. And I just
have continued to share my journey in um in ways
that I can, in terms of like my body and
how it's it's changing and how I love it and
sometimes how I'm not happy with it, or my my mood,
(13:12):
my motion, my my life and Um, that's sort of
how Noir was born. She's so cute. I love my
brand so much. I love what I have built. I
am so proud of it. Um, And I was never
I was not always like this. Like this had to
come from me deciding that I am that girl. You
(13:34):
know that I am it. I am cram to the creme,
I am the moment, I am iconic. I am worthy
of everything and anything that I've ever wanted in my life.
And um, there was you know, I kind of like
came from a society, like I was born and raised
in Kenya, where women have been told to be be quiet,
(13:54):
be small, you know, be dainty, be so so like
small that people can't see you. I was brought up
in that society and and it's been really difficult for
me to break out of that. And it's also been
hard for you know, my my my parents specifically to
sort of like see me be this like vibrant, vivagious
(14:16):
person and loud and like people and just say what
I want. And UM, it's taken a lot of work,
and I think I'm still getting there, you know, they
still want to to to this to this energy. But yeah,
it's been a journey. Wow, well, it's a beautiful journey
at that. I actually really appreciate you sharing that this
(14:39):
wasn't always the case and that you had to decide
to step into your full power and your authenticity, particularly
in the shadows or the shame that a lot of
us have felt, um that society wants to project and
put on us. They want to keep us in these cages,
they want to keep us in these boxes, and they're
so uncomfortable when they see one of us break free
of a box or a chain or a prison, because
(15:02):
I think often, at least in my experience, it threatens
their sense of self and how they feel. They see
you shining so brightly, and it intimidates them because they
know that they're not at a place where they can
shine that brightly, and you being that free, that whole,
that confident, just reminds them of how low key miserable
they actually are. No, And I think I've had to
(15:23):
understand that, you know, like a lot of the time
I get people saying negative things. You know, I have
to understand it. It has nothing to do with me,
and everything to do with you and where you're at
in your life and in your journey and I've also
honestly had to check that in myself, right because every
time I felt like that, like it has always been like,
do I really wish I had that confidence? I wish
(15:46):
I had that that power, you know, like even thinking
of let's talk about Chloe Bailey. She is that girl, right,
she is living in her truth. One thing about about Chloe,
She's living in her truth, and so many people are
so against it. They're like, oh, why drink this, why
drink that? Or why you Like, no, baby, She's living
(16:07):
in her truth and your discomfort is telling of where
you're in your life and what you feel like about yourself,
and nothing to do with Choli. That's it. That's exactly it.
It's just a world of projections, projections, projections. Therapy has
helped me realize that too, So I love hearing you
bring it up because I'm such an advocate for it.
(16:27):
I just has changed my life. It's changed the lives
of so many people I care about. Um, you said
that originally when you kind of stepped into this space
at that time, you weren't necessarily feeling it deep down yet,
And now it very much seems to be a thing
that you truly and deeply feel. I'm curious to know
how long did you have to sit with the affirmations,
(16:51):
say the affirmations without actually feeling them yet. You know, basically, um,
talk to talk before you were really walking the walk,
before it started it to feel real and true. You know,
we all hear about oh go look in the mirror
and tell yourself you're beautiful ten times, and it's like,
there are days when I do it and I'm rolling
my eyes at myself because I just don't believe it. Um, So,
(17:12):
how long did you have to just decide to do
it before you woke up and felt like, oh no,
this is this is real, this is who I am now?
I probably so long. I think I even still till
this day, I still have to look at myself in
the mirror and be my best friend and say like, girl,
you are that girl you are? Um, I feel like
(17:37):
i'd say, damn me ar five years. I had to
wake up every single day and choose myself as the
love of my life every single day, and it had
to be intentional and I had to put in work.
It wasn't just I woke up one morning and I
was like, okay, I'm bad now I had to work
(17:59):
on myself of for so long. And I'm saying five
years because I'm putting in my head as the year
that I decided that I can no longer hate myself. Um,
there's so much in the world, UM that is already
telling me to hate myself based so many people, there's
(18:20):
so many outlets, there's so many you know, noise, so
much noise that is telling me You're not that girl.
You're not you're not amazing, You're not worthy of this,
you can't do this, you can't be here, you can't
say that, you can't attain this, you can't own that.
There was so much of that going on. And that
year I had gotten out of the worst relationship. But
(18:41):
the yeah I gotten out of actually it was pretty bad.
I hated it. I'll you're not of a pretty bad
relationship and had really lost myself and UM decide, this
was like, you have one tantalizing life in this world.
You have one tantalizing life, and you cannot live it
(19:03):
for the pleasure of somebody else who does not care
about you. Cannot live it for the for the approval
of people who have nothing to do with your life. Babe,
and that was sort of like my beginning of deciding, like,
I'm going to do something for me. I'm going to
choose me. I'm going to love me, I'm going to
(19:23):
be me. I'm going to explore what it feels like
and what it looks like to be via chain, I'll
go to sixty five. I so love hearing you say
I had to choose to be the love of my life.
You know, I've had that experience, probably three or four
(19:43):
years ago. It was on the other end of a breakup,
a really bad breakup, and it's like we realize how
much of our worth can sometimes be derived by not
just our romantic relationships, but the labels we put on ourselves.
What do I do for a living? Who am I
in relation to the people that I care about or
whose opinions I care about? Um? And to just one
(20:04):
day decide to show up for yourself. I got to
a point I dedicated a love song to myself. You
know how couples have their own song, you know, like
okabe or something. Anytime this song comes on, I literally
stopped and say to myself, girl, our song, and so
hold song. Now we just go and savor it. And
mine is as by Stevie Wonder, I'll be loving you
(20:26):
always like that was the promise I made to myself.
I'm curious to know if you had a song to
dedicate to yourself as the love of your life, what
would it be. Um, I would say a song that
I've been like probably like really jamming to that. I
I would dedicate to myself. Is I am by Flomilli okay, healthy,
(20:49):
I am wealthy, I am rich? I am that bitch.
I am going to get that back because because I
think I really didn't believe in myself for so long
a serie, I did not at all, and I didn't
have people in my life who made me feel like that.
(21:10):
And I have had to be like my my best friend,
like I've got to be the person who's got my
back for a really long time for me to be
able to really, um be where I'm at today. And
that song really pumps me up, Like you should listen
to it after this today. It's really it's really like
(21:32):
an affirmation song. It is really like it's like a
hype up song. I think it's it's a it's a
song for the summer for the girlies who can be
hype get out there do their things. Okay, that's all right.
I got to drive the Palm Springs after this because
that will be my track. I'll just play it on
give my affirmations in. Uh. You know, and you were
(21:53):
saying that, I felt like I sensed emotion behind what
you were just saying. We're where does that emotion come from?
What were you feeling in that moment when you talked
about a time in where your life where you felt
like you didn't have that support system where you had
to be your own best friend because maybe you didn't
feel like you had that in your life. Yeah, I
think it's it's it's coming from like, um, I'm looking
(22:16):
back at like what I've been through and and looking
back what I've had to do to to really live
unapologetically as myself. Um. Yeah, I think the emotion is
coming from like a place of like I'm proud of myself,
Like I'm really so excited for my life and for
(22:40):
everything that has yet to come and that has happened
and that is happening. Um And I feel like as
in like I'm like a really emotional person. So I
could think about something that happened last week that really
touched my heart and I'm like um and um. Something
(23:03):
that has allowed me to be like that has been
therapy and really processing these feelings and really um seeing
growth something that I don't think I was able to
really see for a really long time. It just because
I was hard on myself and I felt like I
needed to be like a specific person like UM. Healing
(23:24):
is not a goal oriented thing. It's not like, oh
I did this in a better It's a journey. It's
really a journey, and it's an everyday, step by step
it is. It is a just living in your own
experiences so that you can like to see how you
(23:45):
can be a different person or how how you know
this this higher self and to your point of that
higher self reaching for whoever that that um divine version
of self is. I would love if you could share
with us some practical ways if we want to improve
our confidence, our self love, our self worth. I think
(24:08):
it means so much more coming from someone like you,
who is honest and transparent about how far you've come.
It's like if somebody came out of the gate day one,
UM newborn stad is just like I'm that, I'm like, okay, well,
you've always just felt that way, So you can go say,
I need to hear from somebody who knows what I
have felt like right who knows what it feels like
(24:29):
to not feel that way, and then to get across
the bridge. Um. So with you having shared that, I
know our listeners will really appreciate the tips that you provide.
So what are some ways that we can you know,
practically improve our confidence in everyday life? Um. The thing
is understanding confidence is a lifestyle. You've decided that I
(24:55):
am going to be this person. Like sometimes it doesn't
just come, like the motivation want to come, the happiness
when just magically come. You have to like do something
to get to that point. So for me, I always
envision like what my most confidence self will be and
for the longest to get me to where I'm at today,
(25:18):
I had to have two different versions of myself a
Chang and then the like via Chang a Gutu, which
her name is Escovia, she's like that girl, um, and
she it's it's the person like I don't have the
confidence to do this right now. I don't have the
confidence to step up and introduce myself to this person.
(25:39):
I don't have the confidence to do this and that
I would literally be like, okay, a chain, you can't
do this, but this version of yourself cancel. Let's let's
tag team. Okay. So this is what your Sasha fears,
my Sacha fears. Okay, okay, Mike. I had to come
up with my own Sasha fears so that I can
be that girl like that I want to be. And
(26:00):
so literally I even do it till this day. I'm like,
I this version of me right now as I stand here,
I can't do this. I'm too nervous to step up
and introduce myself to listen. You know I'm too too,
but I'm gonna be like, okay, you know who can't
you can, let's do this to actually let go. Literally,
(26:23):
it's like I'm out. You better tag team in your
older ego. Yes, And and that goes envisioning the most powerful,
confident version of yourself. Whatever that looks like. It could
be just that person who can tell the waiter I
(26:45):
didn't like this, I didn't order this. Can I get
something else? You know? They could be that small to
being like I'm going to pitch my business to this
person a day, you know, or two to the person
who's like I can't wear that evening suit, but you
know who can't, she can't, he can't be here? Tag
(27:05):
team and be that person. Like that's that's the best
way I would say, Like that has helped me really
like live this this confident life that I so badly
love and I'm so proud and so happy that I've
been able to And um, yeah, you mentioned introductions right,
(27:29):
like being too nervous to introduce yourself to someone, but
once it's time to tag team, you're good to go. Um,
that could be something that's really intimidating for a lot
of people. And confidence is important when you're in these
rooms with people. You know. We talked about imposter syndrome
often on this podcast. It was one of my most
popular episodes. I was on the Breakfast Club talking about it,
(27:50):
and it surprised me just how much it resonated with
the audience because I said so much during that conversation,
and for whatever reason, that was the thing that stuck
out that people texting me deeming me like, oh my god,
I didn't even know there was a name or a
phrase for this thing that I feel when I'm in
these rooms. Um, and confidence that you're supposed to be
in the spaces that you're in can be really hard
(28:12):
to come by, especially when the people in those spaces
don't want you there necessarily or traditionally we've been boxed
out of those rooms and now we're finding ourselves in them.
Taking up space in those moments can be really hard
sometimes or really intimidating. But what helps is a support
group of support network that reminds you of who you are.
(28:34):
Uh sometimes when maybe you're forgetting in and I don't
want to say weaker moments, but you know, moments of
vulnerability or insecurity, you are passionate about connecting a networking
across is something that Easter Ray has talked about a lot. Also,
what where does that come from? What why are you
so passionate about connecting it? How important is networking across
(28:57):
as we build our confidence in these industries that were in,
as we try to you know, climb the ladder and network.
My passion for that comes from a place of wanting
to open up doors for any other person who looks
like me, talks like me, has say, had the same
life experiences in me, and feels like I don't know
(29:17):
if I can be there? Yes you can, Yes, you
can because you My mother always tells me this, Um,
in those moments where you feel like you or in
the wrong place, like how am I here? Why am
I here? You are exactly where you're supposed to be,
(29:38):
with the people you're supposed to be with, doing exactly
what you're supposed to do. And that is it. That
is that is the baseline. There's nothing above it, there's
nothing below with that is it, point blank period. And um,
my mom always says that because she she's like, it's
it's a way to um andduce a deja roof for you.
(29:59):
Oh wait, right back one time that was a sentence
like that. It's a way to induce a deja voo
for you because deja who's always like, oh, I feel
like I've been here before, because you are supposed to
be there. That is exactly where you're supposed to be.
And and for me, I want to be in those spaces.
(30:20):
So anybody who's seen me and heard my story and
and seeing where I've come from and where I'm going,
you can feel like I can be there too. I'm
opening up those doors, you know, those spaces so people
see like, yeah, you see me here, there's more of
us coming, honey, right, there's an avenger's formation behind people
(30:47):
like the entire who are going to be in this space.
And that's on that And something that I've had to
learn to do is not be in those spaces and
act small, you know, being those spaces and be like,
you know, just like try and and and make myself
palatable for the people around me. Maybe you're gonna get
(31:09):
in more a bunch of colors on the rain but
you ain't never seen because of me, she said. We
bring it every color on the rainbow, you know. And um,
it's something that you know, I always say to my
friends and and and that has sort of been like
(31:30):
an ongoing theme for me, is this thing of feeling enough.
And I think that is what people brings people into
this space of um imposti syndrome because you feel like
you're not enough to be in that space. But I
say this, and I continue to say this every time,
if you ever feel like you are not enough, baby,
go to your favorite local UM supermarket. I'm gonna trade
(31:53):
to Joe's girl. I'm becoming a hopeful girl right now.
And go into the to the water aisle where they
have all the waters and see every kind of water
brand that they have been able to bring to life
till this date, and understand that you're enough. If there's
foss water therese Fiji, these these you know, essentially all
(32:13):
these brands water that is free, brands have been able
to bring it to light and people are like, oh,
I'm a smart water girl. If there's enough space for
a ten million people to create a water brand, there's
enough space for you. Honey. That okay, that's a that's
a whole word right there. She said, they making space
(32:36):
for water bottles, bottles, water that is free, honey, real right,
you're so right. I love that. I actually really love
that visual. I've never thought about it like that. But
it's like if you can go to a shelf and
people can, honest to God, be like, oh no, it's
Fiji only for me or I only, and it's like, ma'am,
(32:59):
it's water like that serious. Absolutely, there is enough space
for each of us to take up what we should
be taking up in this world. M okay, alright. Preaching, preaching, preaching, preaching,
you know, as your your profile continues to grow, um,
(33:22):
this this podcast is all about like mental wellness and
coming at our best life minus the burnout, right, Like
making sure we feel good while we achieve and grow
and evolve. With more eyeballs comes more opinions, more haters
potentially How difficult has that been for you? If it's
been difficult, what has that journey been like? And how
(33:44):
do you avoid also the comparison trap? Basically, let's talk
about the underbelly of this um of digital fame, a
world in which digital fame is a thing. How have
you navigated that space? What have you found has been
the most difficult thing to learn to cope with? Yeah,
it's it's really weird because I feel like I'm living
(34:07):
in this like pseudo celebrity world. Um because with when
the platform comes visibility, and sometimes with visibility comes all
this attention, you know, like everybody's like in your space. UM.
I think the hardest thing for me has been, you know,
having this paras social relationships with people that you know,
I really want to help and people I really care
(34:30):
about our community that I really care about, and you know,
them being able or thinking that they have this opinion
on what I should do as a as a person,
as a creator, as a human. Um. You know, I
felt like for a really long time that my life
was really controlled by like what I thought my audience
(34:50):
wanted and what I thought my audience needed. And I
would put that as a priority in my life to
a point where I would it would take over me,
it would deteriorate me. I would be creating content every day,
back to back because I wanted people to to to
(35:10):
get that energy, to feel love, to feel appreciated, to
feel seen, to to feel represented. And I did that
to the point where I got sick. I wasn't take
care of taking care of myself. I wasn't paying attention
to the people in my life that I so dearly love.
I my life was dedicated to my platform and that
(35:33):
was it. And um, like I really ran myself out.
I spread myself so thin. There wasn't enough. There wasn't enough.
There wasn't any part of me that felt tangible to
my to me, to me. Um. And you know, I
(35:55):
got to a point where I was like, please, is
it the COVID vaccine that I'm making? Is it? Is
it medicine that I am making for people? Know the
world will carry on, People will will live, you know,
life will continue. You know. It became a thing where
(36:16):
I was eating, breathing living my platform, eating breathing living.
You know, no, Arry, No, that's all. And you know,
it got to a point where I had to decide, like,
you need to put yourself first and you need to
find a balance because with with working in social media,
it's so strange because work is life and life is
work and what happens in your life is what work
is and vice versa. And you know the they I
(36:38):
couldn't find like a balance. I couldn't find a balance
of like where can I just be me and do
me and live my life but also you know, you know,
contribute to this community that I love so dearly and
the rules become for you? How when you decided something
had to give? How what did you set up? Like?
How do you approach your life now you're your social
(37:00):
media platforms um? What what is a deal breaker? What's
not negotiable? Like? How did you get it together? I
had to do this with my team and I had
to decide that baby, like you you have to live
your life right you have. You have worked so hard
to get to this point so that you can have
these opportunities, so that you can continue to to to
(37:24):
pour love into this community that you love. But you
can't be that person if your if your copy is empty.
You can't be that person if you're just giving from
an empty well, baby, like please, like let's be serious
and as we focus right here, and um, I have
two go back to like sort of the drawing board
(37:47):
and be like, I've got to choose myself right now,
right um, at the end of the day. The only
way you can continue to be this person that you
so you so deeply want to be if you give
into yourself, if you find a balance where you can
feel um, loved and seen and taking care of and
and appreciated in a way that is healthy, in a
(38:10):
way that is is good for you. And so um
that had to go with like setting boundaries right like
in a week day, I want my socials posting for
a specific amount of time. Um, and then I'm taking
time off to be by myself or to be with
my friends or to go you know, I started, I
started playing tennis. I'm all right, sir, let me find
(38:37):
out really listed really out here living you know, my
my Serena Williams and is William's life's life and I'm
obsessed and um just doing you know, doing things that
are exciting to me, and um, you know, connecting more
with my my family, my my my parents live in
Kenya and my brother lives in Switzerland, you know, making
(38:59):
time for them, making time for my friends, and making
times time for the things that I love. Or on
the weekend, sometimes I delete the apps off my phone
so that I don't feel like I'm wheeled back into
to you know, be back on there, because I used
to use social media as like my like, um, just
(39:20):
chilling time. Yeah, like a source of entertainment, a source
of entertainment. But then now it's my work, so I
can't be chilling on the plate at the place that
I'm working. You know. It's like going back to the
office on a Saturday. Baby. Honestly, I received that. That's
how I probably need to I needed that reminder because
(39:41):
at this point I'm trying to scroll just to kick it,
and I'm like, I've been here all day posting content
and sharing and all the uper work. Like, yes, that
is very much like going to the office on a Saturday,
and nobody wants to do literally, It's like no, It's like, girl,
we're supposed to be a brunch, but why are you
going to the office. Let's talk about Okay, you put
(40:03):
it like that, So it's it had to go with
just finding a balance, um, from that worked best for me,
and and and realizing that, you know, this is a
this is a platform that I've built that I love
and that you know, I will continue to put my
energy and love and and and passion into. But at
the end of the day, you still have to detach
(40:26):
yourself from that space because you are also you know,
I'm also at ching goo to without the nordin and
you are right like, I'm also my own person, and
I have to find my balance, and and it's it's
hard sometimes because sometimes I'll be like waking up and
be like what is there? You know, it's just why
(40:46):
you can get balance and what works best for me.
So absolutely I love that. Um. Social media is a
space where comparison is also a really big thing that
so many people struggle with have combated. We've had entire
episodes dedicated to the comparison trap. Did you ever fall
prey to that? And if so, how do you avoid it? Um? Yeah,
(41:07):
I feel like I said, I still do um it
it um. It's just such a interesting world. Social media
is you know, sometimes I see like I'll put in
the work. I've put in the work, and you know,
things that I know I deserve I haven't gotten or
(41:28):
I haven't received, you know. And seeing how the some
of my peers, who are you know, doing the damn
thing really killing it, you know, putting in the work
and all that stuff, I'm like, wait, like why am
I not there? Why am I not you know, getting
that deal? Or why am I not you know, at
this event or that and that? And what I have
(41:48):
to understand, Um, I'm trying to understand, like it's it's
a journey, is that everybody has their own journey. Everybody
has their own journey, and yours is so unique to
your like to your life and your life purpose and
and all the power and magic that is happening in
your life. And you just have to like really trust
(42:12):
in the process and being the moment, because, um, comparison
is a disease. My dad always says, comparison is a disease, baby,
It really is. And it is a disease that will
strip you of joy and strip you of opportunities that
you you so definitely deserve because you feel like, oh,
(42:32):
I should be here because this person is here, or
I should beat this because this person is here. And
the thing we don't understand is that we never know
what's happening in somebody else's life, you know, we never
know somebody else's story. So even though it's hard to
stop comparing yourself to like, oh, but she bought a house,
or but he has a car, or he has this,
and I don't know, babe, your journey is uniquely yours
(42:57):
and and and life always works out for you. That's
how I always try and look at things. Life always
works out for you. It has to, and that's it.
And so your journey is yours, and we'll take what
whatever form shaped size it needs to take to get
(43:18):
you to your highest version. And maybe that journey is longer, shorter,
and this other persons is theirs, and that's right, right,
and you just have to trust the process. You're so
right about that. And it's that also, that reminder that
I think a lot of us need, that you never
know what's going on behind closed doors, you know, especially
now more than ever, I feel like the conversation is
(43:40):
really opening up about mental health and wellness, and it's
like it can be the prettiest people, the most successful seeming,
people who are miserable, who are sad, who are dealing
with sometimes high functioning depression or anxiety. It breaks my
heart some of these stories that I have to report
on some of the people I talked to for a
living on these carpets, in these movie junkets, and they're
(44:02):
miserable and you would never guess, you would never know
from how they throw the smile on their face when
the cameras roll. I've been that person myself at different points,
like if people only knew what was happening to minutes
before I started recording, and the heap on the floor
I'm gonna fall into after I finished recording, because it's
(44:22):
not always as glitzy and glamorous and shiny as it
seems for anyone, no matter what industry or what what
path of life. So I think um having that compassion
for oneself and also extending that to the people around
us and saying, you know, we never know what they're
going through when we see them with those winds. Maybe
they needed that win more than you did. Maybe that breakthrough,
(44:43):
that moment was God just throwing them at heill Mary,
because Lord knows what that happened if they had one
more l you know, so trying to have more grace
and compassion for each other is is a big thing
for for me, for us. I feel, um, no, that's
really important that you said that. Yeah, um, I want
to wrap things up with an idea that I absolutely love.
(45:07):
You recently said, I don't want to be resilient anymore.
I want to be a spoiled bit heavy on the spoils.
I want to be a sweet, soft flower dancing in
the meadow of dollar bills, clear skin, cleared checks and
girls trips. I received that. Okay, that is exactly where
I am. What inspired you to step into your soft
(45:30):
girl era? They let me, let me, let me talk
about this. The soft girl era is what should take
over everybody's life this summer, this season, today, two more
of them, days after that and forever. Okay, because I think,
speaking just as a black woman, I've always been put
(45:53):
in this, you know, in this space where like that's you,
the strong black woman. You can do this, you can
do that at Oh you know, don't worry, but you're
so strong, babe, I'm not. I don't want to. I
don't want to be strong. My sweets of flower dancing
in the matter of dollar bills, because that is the
life that I deserve. Black women are put into this
(46:17):
bubble where you have to be the resilient one, you
have to be that strong one, you have you have
to be the outspoken one. But no, not anymore, not anymore.
We deserve to be soft. We deserve to to be gentle,
We deserve to be spoiled, We deserve to to to
live this life of power just like sweet soft power, magic, supple,
(46:44):
softness and galore. That's what we deserve. And I want
to normalize that for Black women forever. I want black
women to not to not feel like they have to
be the strong woman every time. Maybe you don't have
to be that. You don't have to be powerful all
the time. You don't have to be bold all the time.
You can just be soft. And that is okay, baby,
(47:09):
That is okay, And that is the way I will
live the rest of my season. So if you see
me being a soft girl, don't be afraid. Come, let's
do it together. I love that. Yes, yes, yes, um.
If people want more of what, I'm so obvious y'all
(47:31):
haven't picked it up by now, But I don't even
know you might not be listening. Y'all might have the
podcast not mute. If you want this energy, come and
get it. Actually, where can people find you? Where can
they go for more of the good vibes are confidence
Queen Bessie's You can find me on the Internet being
a tantializing sexy woman at no ordinary noir with an
(47:53):
E on Instagram and on TikTok soon to be YouTube.
You know, so per Okay find internet and I hope
we can tantialize the world together. Babies. I love it.
Thank you so so so much for spreading your joy,
your wisdom, um, your confidence with us. It is so palpable,
(48:13):
it's contagious, and it is so clear why your your
star is just skyrocketing. So I can't wait to see
it continue to rise. And I appreciate you. Thank you,
love absolutely, thank you so much for having me today.
I hope you all have a beautiful, tantalizing, delicious day.
Kisses and catch you on the internet. Awesome, happy, Oh
(48:37):
my gosh, she was amazing. Tell me how much you
loved her. She's so awesome. Thank you again, a Tiang
for joining me on this episode. She's so funny. Right.
I am ready to step into my soft girl era
this summer, so let's go. Um. If you're listening right now,
make sure you're checking out the Hot Happy Mess dot
com website for show notes, if you want to break down,
(49:00):
if you want to learn more about this week's guest,
or if you want to come on the podcast that
is right, if you have a hilarious WTF moment, or
know someone with the story to tell, whether it's funny,
whether it's bit or sweet, whether it's just a lesson learned,
whatever it is, I want to hear your stories. I
want to share your stories, so hit me up hello
at Hot Happy mess dot com. Okay, I am off
(49:22):
to quite literally finished packing and cuddle with Lola, and
I need to eat. I need dinner. Oh my gosh,
I can't believe I'm flying to friends tomorrow. Okay, be
sure to share this episode with a friend right now,
and I will talk to you soon. By bye bye
by
Hot, happy Mess. Celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Hot happy. I'm Zeri Hall and this is
hot happy mass. Shoot. Hey, y'all, I'm Zeri Hall and
this is hot happy mess. The time has come for
(00:31):
my summer travel. You hear me, I am ready to go.
I'm ready to go. It's been a day, it's been
a week, it's been a month, it's been a year,
it's been a life. I need a vacation. I've been
telling you a little bit, teasing it a little bit
over the last few weeks, and I am finally jetting off.
By the time you hear this, I'm in France. I
(00:53):
might be in London. Um, I'm going, That's what I am.
If you hear noise in the background, that is low
LUs with her plush toy the night before take off.
She is not coming with me. She's going to be
with her sitter. But I will send her pictures and love. Um. So, anyways,
now is a great time to follow me on Instagram
(01:15):
if you don't already, because the content is going to
be next level, I hope. Honestly, I can't make any promises.
I've been in this phase where I am actually just
so caught up in the living of the things that
I'm doing, and honestly also super busy to where like
I don't even have time to post the things that
(01:36):
otherwise would and I'm just having too much fun and
kind of running all over the place trying to squeeze
the fun in, so I don't have time to post it.
So I guess that's a good thing. That's a good
problem to have. UM. But I promised to drop a
little something something here and there while I'm in Europe,
and then you'll get a crop ton probably when I'm back, um,
and then also a solo episode coming after I'm back
(01:57):
from Europe. So hopefully I can woo some my way
through the continent, come back with something interesting to say.
If you have any suggestions, recommendations, things I should try,
places I should eat, whatever, um. While I am in
France and London, let me know. I'm gonna be on
the Riviera. I'm flying into Nice first, and then I'm
(02:18):
debating on spending a couple of days in Paris, not
entirely sure yet, and then I'm gonna end with a
few days in London. So any recommendations are very much welcome.
I am ready to talk with you about confidance. Today's
episode is all about it. I am chatting with the
(02:38):
Confidence Queen a chiang a Gutu. She has one of
the biggest personalities and the best and brightest way is
She is so sweet, such a light. You're gonna love
our convo. But before we jump into the episode, I
want to open up with a listener's review, because you know,
words of affirmation keep us going at dial for Cathy,
says a manifest So I have listened to this podcast
(03:01):
for a year, and it's relative to my life in
my early thirties. Zeri Hall is like my bestie in
my head whenever I need someone to talk to. All
of the topics have been on time for what I
was thinking about, from building wealth to enjoying your singleness.
I enjoyed it all. I even listened to it. I'll repeat, Kathy,
thank you so much for your sweet comment. I'm just
(03:21):
happy and proud and grateful that you've been down for
a year. So thank you for listening to the podcast
for that long. It means a lot and I am
happy to keep them coming, keep these episodes coming, so
please keep listening. I'm so grateful for your support. If
you listening right now, I want to leave us a
review on Apple Podcasts and if I've star rating and
we're on Spotify, then this would be a great moment
(03:44):
to do it. Nope, nope, wait, actually yes, yes, go
do it and then come back so we can get
this party started. Okay, it's time to get this party started.
Here's act all right, y'all, So what's up? You know
how we have tech difficulties here. I just have to
speak truth on the record. So we just had an
amazing intro to this podcast. But today is just today
(04:08):
and we are going to start fresh. So I'm gonna
kick off this bio one more time with this amazing queen. Uh,
here we go. A chiang a Gutu, known as the
Confidence Queen by Vogue, is a changemaker and an Internet
personality who has grown quickly given her creative force, infectious energy,
and charisma. Her constant empowers women to be the best
(04:29):
version of themselves and has built a massive gap in
the self love, self confidence, and body positivity industry. As
a leading black plus sized fashion and lifestyle creator, she's
given much needed representation and visibility to women like her
and as crucial diversity in the digital sphere and beyond.
And she is here with us today, looking absolutely fabulous
(04:50):
on the zoom call Queen, how are you. I'm doing
Grace three, How are you baby? Thank you so much
for having me. Oh, you are so welcome. I'm so
glad you're here. Such light y'all can't see her unless
you're watching the video version of this, but she is
absolutely glowing. The skin is popping, The orange on the
shoulders is everything. And now we're getting the Vogue moments,
we're getting the poses. I just I love you already.
(05:12):
I'm so excited for this conversation. I'm super pumped. Honest,
it's it's a good day today. You know, this summertime
meets around the corner and his glowing sun poking you know,
titty's are out. I'm leaving by the side, best lives.
I gotta catch up with you on that, I mean,
like right now. But let me get the girls together.
(05:33):
You mentioned the sun is poking out. I love to
hear that. So, speaking of sunshine, summer is upon us.
What will you be sipping on this summer? You know,
the thing about me is I'm a bubbly girl. I'm
already drinking. I'm the most right now. Yes, it's so yeah,
it's with a spurting base of pineapple juice. Henty, I
love it. I love it. Are we on Eastern Standard time?
(05:54):
Is this a Pacific standard moment? Like? What are we
doing Eastern Standard time? Honey? Okay, Eastern standing? So it
is one o'clock. I love how you get down. I
would love to be cheersing in solidarity with you. I've
got coffee and a mug that says, I'll tell you
how I'm doing. Not well, bitch, I don't know. I
think one of the real housewives gave this to me,
(06:14):
like years ago, might have been um, I am doing well, though,
contrary to this mug's suggestion, let's do a little rapid fire.
We know what you're sipping on. What is your horoscope sign?
I'm a scorpio? Oh what should we know about scorpios?
Scorpios are really misunderstood. But we are the most loyal,
(06:36):
loving people in the entire world, very all attractive, loyal
and loving and fine. I love it. Okay. What afrobeat
or afropop songs or artists are you loving at the moment? Oh?
I would say burn a boy, love of my life, husband,
just criminal crime. I say burn a boy right now?
(06:57):
And Thames are really rocky. Oh my god, I am
pessed with her upsets listen her whole all of her
music is just a soundtrack to my life. I'm like,
Tim's you really need to like step out of my
private situation and stop writing about it and telling the
world she's really okay. I'm with you on that. Um,
(07:20):
the craziest thing you've ever done for love is hoo girl.
I would say, I move to a different state. That's
a big one. That's a big one, and I will
never do that again. Never. What if okay, what about
(07:44):
ring on the finger? Then then yeah, I think when
it's when it's like ring on finger, this my man,
this is my husband, then that's a different situation. But
if I'm bel just for an everyday, regular decular let
regular decular man, no, I was with That's that, honestly,
is such a good relationship tip in general, that was
(08:06):
the lesson of my twinies. Doing big husband energy stuff
for boyfriend be doing wifey things at a girlfriend salary
is exactly what I was doing for a man who
did not deserve an ounce of my energy. We rebuke it,
(08:26):
rebuke it, Okay. I get secretly annoyed when people call me,
um like bold. Oh yeah, I think people are when
I do things that are just normal as a black woman,
They're like, wow, that's so bold and that's so strong
(08:47):
of you. Like, no, honey, this is just who I am.
They need no label attached to that. It is me
vutu and that's all. Oh. Absolutely, you know that. That's
a really interesting thing that you ring up to. Right.
I think who was it we were reporting on on
Access Hollywood. This is probably a couple of months ago,
a few months ago. Um, it was Lizzo. I think
(09:10):
it was Lizzo and she was saying something about obviously
body positivity and like, oh my god, you're so brave.
You're so brave. You like going out there on stage
in like your onesies and your jumps between or whatever.
And she was like, what is brave about? There's nothing
brave about this. I look damn good and I'm on stage.
Nobody's gonna tell Beyonce you are so brave for going
(09:32):
out on stage. Don't tell it to me, honestly, Like,
even something as as as normal as loving yourself like wow,
you're you're so brave and bold and all these things
like no, honey, it's just and it's shocking you because
it's not normal. It's not normalized. It's not you know,
black people are not given the opportunity to have that space. Yeah. Yeah,
(09:56):
Well that is the perfect segue if ever I had
one into exact actually where this queen comes in, because
you are giving all of the good vibes, all of
the charisma, the energy, the confidence we love to see
that we want more of in our lives. Um And
I mean the confidence, Queen, it is what it is.
Talk to me a little bit about your journey into
this space. Was this something you stumbled into? Was this
(10:19):
always the master plan? Um? And also was this energy
always there? Were you always so confident? Because I had
to grow into my So I'm always curious about other
people's journeys to self love. My journey has been kind
of interesting, and it, I would say, it's seriously like
intentionally started at the beginning of the pandemic. Um. At
(10:41):
that point, um, I was I was probably in like
the darkest place in my life, one of the darkest
places in my life. Um, I wasn't happy. I was depressed. UM,
I was just dealing with just like so much unhealed
um trauma and and really lost, really lost, and and
you know, we had all these time to ourselves. You know,
(11:03):
we're not working people. He went from home or you know,
school was canceled and all these things. So I intentionally
decided that, like, I'm going to do something to get
back to myself, to get back to the person that
I know I am, and no longer live in this toxic,
weird space where I felt like I didn't feel loved,
(11:25):
I didn't love myself, I didn't feel seen, I didn't
feel worthy, nothing. And so I started going to therapy.
You know, shout out to my therapist, home girl, you
were the realist, UM. And so I started going to
therapy and really just working on myself. And UM, I
had started just like posting my journey on social media
(11:47):
on Instagram, UM, and just talking about like how I
was feeling, what I was going through, what I learned today,
you know, you know, just like authentically what I was feeling,
you know, to my best capability, and a lot of
people at that point where like, thank you so much
for sharing this. I I really needed to hear that today,
but thank you so much for dancing on your story today.
(12:09):
I really needed that joy. Or I've been feeling like
that too. And um, I had already been doing Instagram
at that point, but sort of like posting this very
curated version of myself, the perfect picture, the perfect video,
the perfect quote, saying the perfect things, and I had
sort of like just like let go, and I was like,
what if I'm just going to post whatever I want?
(12:30):
And when I started feeling and seeing that people didn't
want to just like see the perfect continent and just
wanted to like feel something. They wanted to to feel
inspired to do something or feel entertained or excited or
happy or sad or whatever. When I started to realize that,
like I was like, oh, this could be my purpose,
(12:51):
you know, this could be the beginning of something for
me that I've been searching for for so long. And
that's kind of like where it started. And I just
have continued to share my journey in um in ways
that I can, in terms of like my body and
how it's it's changing and how I love it and
sometimes how I'm not happy with it, or my my mood,
(13:12):
my motion, my my life and Um, that's sort of
how Noir was born. She's so cute. I love my
brand so much. I love what I have built. I
am so proud of it. Um, And I was never
I was not always like this. Like this had to
come from me deciding that I am that girl. You
(13:34):
know that I am it. I am cram to the creme,
I am the moment, I am iconic. I am worthy
of everything and anything that I've ever wanted in my life.
And um, there was you know, I kind of like
came from a society, like I was born and raised
in Kenya, where women have been told to be be quiet,
(13:54):
be small, you know, be dainty, be so so like
small that people can't see you. I was brought up
in that society and and it's been really difficult for
me to break out of that. And it's also been
hard for you know, my my my parents specifically to
sort of like see me be this like vibrant, vivagious
(14:16):
person and loud and like people and just say what
I want. And UM, it's taken a lot of work,
and I think I'm still getting there, you know, they
still want to to to this to this energy. But yeah,
it's been a journey. Wow, well, it's a beautiful journey
at that. I actually really appreciate you sharing that this
(14:39):
wasn't always the case and that you had to decide
to step into your full power and your authenticity, particularly
in the shadows or the shame that a lot of
us have felt, um that society wants to project and
put on us. They want to keep us in these cages,
they want to keep us in these boxes, and they're
so uncomfortable when they see one of us break free
of a box or a chain or a prison, because
(15:02):
I think often, at least in my experience, it threatens
their sense of self and how they feel. They see
you shining so brightly, and it intimidates them because they
know that they're not at a place where they can
shine that brightly, and you being that free, that whole,
that confident, just reminds them of how low key miserable
they actually are. No, And I think I've had to
(15:23):
understand that, you know, like a lot of the time
I get people saying negative things. You know, I have
to understand it. It has nothing to do with me,
and everything to do with you and where you're at
in your life and in your journey and I've also
honestly had to check that in myself, right because every
time I felt like that, like it has always been like,
do I really wish I had that confidence? I wish
(15:46):
I had that that power, you know, like even thinking
of let's talk about Chloe Bailey. She is that girl, right,
she is living in her truth. One thing about about Chloe,
She's living in her truth, and so many people are
so against it. They're like, oh, why drink this, why
drink that? Or why you Like, no, baby, She's living
(16:07):
in her truth and your discomfort is telling of where
you're in your life and what you feel like about yourself,
and nothing to do with Choli. That's it. That's exactly it.
It's just a world of projections, projections, projections. Therapy has
helped me realize that too, So I love hearing you
bring it up because I'm such an advocate for it.
(16:27):
I just has changed my life. It's changed the lives
of so many people I care about. Um, you said
that originally when you kind of stepped into this space
at that time, you weren't necessarily feeling it deep down yet,
And now it very much seems to be a thing
that you truly and deeply feel. I'm curious to know
how long did you have to sit with the affirmations,
(16:51):
say the affirmations without actually feeling them yet. You know, basically, um,
talk to talk before you were really walking the walk,
before it started it to feel real and true. You know,
we all hear about oh go look in the mirror
and tell yourself you're beautiful ten times, and it's like,
there are days when I do it and I'm rolling
my eyes at myself because I just don't believe it. Um, So,
(17:12):
how long did you have to just decide to do
it before you woke up and felt like, oh no,
this is this is real, this is who I am now?
I probably so long. I think I even still till
this day, I still have to look at myself in
the mirror and be my best friend and say like, girl,
you are that girl you are? Um, I feel like
(17:37):
i'd say, damn me ar five years. I had to
wake up every single day and choose myself as the
love of my life every single day, and it had
to be intentional and I had to put in work.
It wasn't just I woke up one morning and I
was like, okay, I'm bad now I had to work
(17:59):
on myself of for so long. And I'm saying five
years because I'm putting in my head as the year
that I decided that I can no longer hate myself. Um,
there's so much in the world, UM that is already
telling me to hate myself based so many people, there's
(18:20):
so many outlets, there's so many you know, noise, so
much noise that is telling me You're not that girl.
You're not you're not amazing, You're not worthy of this,
you can't do this, you can't be here, you can't
say that, you can't attain this, you can't own that.
There was so much of that going on. And that
year I had gotten out of the worst relationship. But
(18:41):
the yeah I gotten out of actually it was pretty bad.
I hated it. I'll you're not of a pretty bad
relationship and had really lost myself and UM decide, this
was like, you have one tantalizing life in this world.
You have one tantalizing life, and you cannot live it
(19:03):
for the pleasure of somebody else who does not care
about you. Cannot live it for the for the approval
of people who have nothing to do with your life. Babe,
and that was sort of like my beginning of deciding, like,
I'm going to do something for me. I'm going to
choose me. I'm going to love me, I'm going to
(19:23):
be me. I'm going to explore what it feels like
and what it looks like to be via chain, I'll
go to sixty five. I so love hearing you say
I had to choose to be the love of my life.
You know, I've had that experience, probably three or four
(19:43):
years ago. It was on the other end of a breakup,
a really bad breakup, and it's like we realize how
much of our worth can sometimes be derived by not
just our romantic relationships, but the labels we put on ourselves.
What do I do for a living? Who am I
in relation to the people that I care about or
whose opinions I care about? Um? And to just one
(20:04):
day decide to show up for yourself. I got to
a point I dedicated a love song to myself. You
know how couples have their own song, you know, like
okabe or something. Anytime this song comes on, I literally
stopped and say to myself, girl, our song, and so
hold song. Now we just go and savor it. And
mine is as by Stevie Wonder, I'll be loving you
(20:26):
always like that was the promise I made to myself.
I'm curious to know if you had a song to
dedicate to yourself as the love of your life, what
would it be. Um, I would say a song that
I've been like probably like really jamming to that. I
I would dedicate to myself. Is I am by Flomilli okay, healthy,
(20:49):
I am wealthy, I am rich? I am that bitch.
I am going to get that back because because I
think I really didn't believe in myself for so long
a serie, I did not at all, and I didn't
have people in my life who made me feel like that.
(21:10):
And I have had to be like my my best friend,
like I've got to be the person who's got my
back for a really long time for me to be
able to really, um be where I'm at today. And
that song really pumps me up, Like you should listen
to it after this today. It's really it's really like
(21:32):
an affirmation song. It is really like it's like a
hype up song. I think it's it's a it's a
song for the summer for the girlies who can be
hype get out there do their things. Okay, that's all right.
I got to drive the Palm Springs after this because
that will be my track. I'll just play it on
give my affirmations in. Uh. You know, and you were
(21:53):
saying that, I felt like I sensed emotion behind what
you were just saying. We're where does that emotion come from?
What were you feeling in that moment when you talked
about a time in where your life where you felt
like you didn't have that support system where you had
to be your own best friend because maybe you didn't
feel like you had that in your life. Yeah, I
think it's it's it's coming from like, um, I'm looking
(22:16):
back at like what I've been through and and looking
back what I've had to do to to really live
unapologetically as myself. Um. Yeah, I think the emotion is
coming from like a place of like I'm proud of myself,
Like I'm really so excited for my life and for
(22:40):
everything that has yet to come and that has happened
and that is happening. Um And I feel like as
in like I'm like a really emotional person. So I
could think about something that happened last week that really
touched my heart and I'm like um and um. Something
(23:03):
that has allowed me to be like that has been
therapy and really processing these feelings and really um seeing
growth something that I don't think I was able to
really see for a really long time. It just because
I was hard on myself and I felt like I
needed to be like a specific person like UM. Healing
(23:24):
is not a goal oriented thing. It's not like, oh
I did this in a better It's a journey. It's
really a journey, and it's an everyday, step by step
it is. It is a just living in your own
experiences so that you can like to see how you
(23:45):
can be a different person or how how you know
this this higher self and to your point of that
higher self reaching for whoever that that um divine version
of self is. I would love if you could share
with us some practical ways if we want to improve
our confidence, our self love, our self worth. I think
(24:08):
it means so much more coming from someone like you,
who is honest and transparent about how far you've come.
It's like if somebody came out of the gate day one,
UM newborn stad is just like I'm that, I'm like, okay, well,
you've always just felt that way, So you can go say,
I need to hear from somebody who knows what I
have felt like right who knows what it feels like
(24:29):
to not feel that way, and then to get across
the bridge. Um. So with you having shared that, I
know our listeners will really appreciate the tips that you provide.
So what are some ways that we can you know,
practically improve our confidence in everyday life? Um. The thing
is understanding confidence is a lifestyle. You've decided that I
(24:55):
am going to be this person. Like sometimes it doesn't
just come, like the motivation want to come, the happiness
when just magically come. You have to like do something
to get to that point. So for me, I always
envision like what my most confidence self will be and
for the longest to get me to where I'm at today,
(25:18):
I had to have two different versions of myself a
Chang and then the like via Chang a Gutu, which
her name is Escovia, she's like that girl, um, and
she it's it's the person like I don't have the
confidence to do this right now. I don't have the
confidence to step up and introduce myself to this person.
(25:39):
I don't have the confidence to do this and that
I would literally be like, okay, a chain, you can't
do this, but this version of yourself cancel. Let's let's
tag team. Okay. So this is what your Sasha fears,
my Sacha fears. Okay, okay, Mike. I had to come
up with my own Sasha fears so that I can
be that girl like that I want to be. And
(26:00):
so literally I even do it till this day. I'm like,
I this version of me right now as I stand here,
I can't do this. I'm too nervous to step up
and introduce myself to listen. You know I'm too too,
but I'm gonna be like, okay, you know who can't
you can, let's do this to actually let go. Literally,
(26:23):
it's like I'm out. You better tag team in your
older ego. Yes, And and that goes envisioning the most powerful,
confident version of yourself. Whatever that looks like. It could
be just that person who can tell the waiter I
(26:45):
didn't like this, I didn't order this. Can I get
something else? You know? They could be that small to
being like I'm going to pitch my business to this
person a day, you know, or two to the person
who's like I can't wear that evening suit, but you
know who can't, she can't, he can't be here? Tag
(27:05):
team and be that person. Like that's that's the best
way I would say, Like that has helped me really
like live this this confident life that I so badly
love and I'm so proud and so happy that I've
been able to And um, yeah, you mentioned introductions right,
(27:29):
like being too nervous to introduce yourself to someone, but
once it's time to tag team, you're good to go. Um,
that could be something that's really intimidating for a lot
of people. And confidence is important when you're in these
rooms with people. You know. We talked about imposter syndrome
often on this podcast. It was one of my most
popular episodes. I was on the Breakfast Club talking about it,
(27:50):
and it surprised me just how much it resonated with
the audience because I said so much during that conversation,
and for whatever reason, that was the thing that stuck
out that people texting me deeming me like, oh my god,
I didn't even know there was a name or a
phrase for this thing that I feel when I'm in
these rooms. Um, and confidence that you're supposed to be
in the spaces that you're in can be really hard
(28:12):
to come by, especially when the people in those spaces
don't want you there necessarily or traditionally we've been boxed
out of those rooms and now we're finding ourselves in them.
Taking up space in those moments can be really hard
sometimes or really intimidating. But what helps is a support
group of support network that reminds you of who you are.
(28:34):
Uh sometimes when maybe you're forgetting in and I don't
want to say weaker moments, but you know, moments of
vulnerability or insecurity, you are passionate about connecting a networking
across is something that Easter Ray has talked about a lot. Also,
what where does that come from? What why are you
so passionate about connecting it? How important is networking across
(28:57):
as we build our confidence in these industries that were in,
as we try to you know, climb the ladder and network.
My passion for that comes from a place of wanting
to open up doors for any other person who looks
like me, talks like me, has say, had the same
life experiences in me, and feels like I don't know
(29:17):
if I can be there? Yes you can, Yes, you
can because you My mother always tells me this, Um,
in those moments where you feel like you or in
the wrong place, like how am I here? Why am
I here? You are exactly where you're supposed to be,
(29:38):
with the people you're supposed to be with, doing exactly
what you're supposed to do. And that is it. That
is that is the baseline. There's nothing above it, there's
nothing below with that is it, point blank period. And um,
my mom always says that because she she's like, it's
it's a way to um andduce a deja roof for you.
(29:59):
Oh wait, right back one time that was a sentence
like that. It's a way to induce a deja voo
for you because deja who's always like, oh, I feel
like I've been here before, because you are supposed to
be there. That is exactly where you're supposed to be.
And and for me, I want to be in those spaces.
(30:20):
So anybody who's seen me and heard my story and
and seeing where I've come from and where I'm going,
you can feel like I can be there too. I'm
opening up those doors, you know, those spaces so people
see like, yeah, you see me here, there's more of
us coming, honey, right, there's an avenger's formation behind people
(30:47):
like the entire who are going to be in this space.
And that's on that And something that I've had to
learn to do is not be in those spaces and
act small, you know, being those spaces and be like,
you know, just like try and and and make myself
palatable for the people around me. Maybe you're gonna get
(31:09):
in more a bunch of colors on the rain but
you ain't never seen because of me, she said. We
bring it every color on the rainbow, you know. And um,
it's something that you know, I always say to my
friends and and and that has sort of been like
(31:30):
an ongoing theme for me, is this thing of feeling enough.
And I think that is what people brings people into
this space of um imposti syndrome because you feel like
you're not enough to be in that space. But I
say this, and I continue to say this every time,
if you ever feel like you are not enough, baby,
go to your favorite local UM supermarket. I'm gonna trade
(31:53):
to Joe's girl. I'm becoming a hopeful girl right now.
And go into the to the water aisle where they
have all the waters and see every kind of water
brand that they have been able to bring to life
till this date, and understand that you're enough. If there's
foss water therese Fiji, these these you know, essentially all
(32:13):
these brands water that is free, brands have been able
to bring it to light and people are like, oh,
I'm a smart water girl. If there's enough space for
a ten million people to create a water brand, there's
enough space for you. Honey. That okay, that's a that's
a whole word right there. She said, they making space
(32:36):
for water bottles, bottles, water that is free, honey, real right,
you're so right. I love that. I actually really love
that visual. I've never thought about it like that. But
it's like if you can go to a shelf and
people can, honest to God, be like, oh no, it's
Fiji only for me or I only, and it's like, ma'am,
(32:59):
it's water like that serious. Absolutely, there is enough space
for each of us to take up what we should
be taking up in this world. M okay, alright. Preaching, preaching, preaching, preaching,
you know, as your your profile continues to grow, um,
(33:22):
this this podcast is all about like mental wellness and
coming at our best life minus the burnout, right, Like
making sure we feel good while we achieve and grow
and evolve. With more eyeballs comes more opinions, more haters
potentially How difficult has that been for you? If it's
been difficult, what has that journey been like? And how
(33:44):
do you avoid also the comparison trap? Basically, let's talk
about the underbelly of this um of digital fame, a
world in which digital fame is a thing. How have
you navigated that space? What have you found has been
the most difficult thing to learn to cope with? Yeah,
it's it's really weird because I feel like I'm living
(34:07):
in this like pseudo celebrity world. Um because with when
the platform comes visibility, and sometimes with visibility comes all
this attention, you know, like everybody's like in your space. UM.
I think the hardest thing for me has been, you know,
having this paras social relationships with people that you know,
I really want to help and people I really care
(34:30):
about our community that I really care about, and you know,
them being able or thinking that they have this opinion
on what I should do as a as a person,
as a creator, as a human. Um. You know, I
felt like for a really long time that my life
was really controlled by like what I thought my audience
(34:50):
wanted and what I thought my audience needed. And I
would put that as a priority in my life to
a point where I would it would take over me,
it would deteriorate me. I would be creating content every day,
back to back because I wanted people to to to
(35:10):
get that energy, to feel love, to feel appreciated, to
feel seen, to to feel represented. And I did that
to the point where I got sick. I wasn't take
care of taking care of myself. I wasn't paying attention
to the people in my life that I so dearly love.
I my life was dedicated to my platform and that
(35:33):
was it. And um, like I really ran myself out.
I spread myself so thin. There wasn't enough. There wasn't enough.
There wasn't any part of me that felt tangible to
my to me, to me. Um. And you know, I
(35:55):
got to a point where I was like, please, is
it the COVID vaccine that I'm making? Is it? Is
it medicine that I am making for people? Know the
world will carry on, People will will live, you know,
life will continue. You know. It became a thing where
(36:16):
I was eating, breathing living my platform, eating breathing living.
You know, no, Arry, No, that's all. And you know,
it got to a point where I had to decide, like,
you need to put yourself first and you need to
find a balance because with with working in social media,
it's so strange because work is life and life is
work and what happens in your life is what work
is and vice versa. And you know the they I
(36:38):
couldn't find like a balance. I couldn't find a balance
of like where can I just be me and do
me and live my life but also you know, you know,
contribute to this community that I love so dearly and
the rules become for you? How when you decided something
had to give? How what did you set up? Like?
How do you approach your life now you're your social
(37:00):
media platforms um? What what is a deal breaker? What's
not negotiable? Like? How did you get it together? I
had to do this with my team and I had
to decide that baby, like you you have to live
your life right you have. You have worked so hard
to get to this point so that you can have
these opportunities, so that you can continue to to to
(37:24):
pour love into this community that you love. But you
can't be that person if your if your copy is empty.
You can't be that person if you're just giving from
an empty well, baby, like please, like let's be serious
and as we focus right here, and um, I have
two go back to like sort of the drawing board
(37:47):
and be like, I've got to choose myself right now,
right um, at the end of the day. The only
way you can continue to be this person that you
so you so deeply want to be if you give
into yourself, if you find a balance where you can
feel um, loved and seen and taking care of and
and appreciated in a way that is healthy, in a
(38:10):
way that is is good for you. And so um
that had to go with like setting boundaries right like
in a week day, I want my socials posting for
a specific amount of time. Um, and then I'm taking
time off to be by myself or to be with
my friends or to go you know, I started, I
started playing tennis. I'm all right, sir, let me find
(38:37):
out really listed really out here living you know, my
my Serena Williams and is William's life's life and I'm
obsessed and um just doing you know, doing things that
are exciting to me, and um, you know, connecting more
with my my family, my my my parents live in
Kenya and my brother lives in Switzerland, you know, making
(38:59):
time for them, making time for my friends, and making
times time for the things that I love. Or on
the weekend, sometimes I delete the apps off my phone
so that I don't feel like I'm wheeled back into
to you know, be back on there, because I used
to use social media as like my like, um, just
(39:20):
chilling time. Yeah, like a source of entertainment, a source
of entertainment. But then now it's my work, so I
can't be chilling on the plate at the place that
I'm working. You know. It's like going back to the
office on a Saturday. Baby. Honestly, I received that. That's
how I probably need to I needed that reminder because
(39:41):
at this point I'm trying to scroll just to kick it,
and I'm like, I've been here all day posting content
and sharing and all the uper work. Like, yes, that
is very much like going to the office on a Saturday,
and nobody wants to do literally, It's like no, It's like, girl,
we're supposed to be a brunch, but why are you
going to the office. Let's talk about Okay, you put
(40:03):
it like that, So it's it had to go with
just finding a balance, um, from that worked best for me,
and and and realizing that, you know, this is a
this is a platform that I've built that I love
and that you know, I will continue to put my
energy and love and and and passion into. But at
the end of the day, you still have to detach
(40:26):
yourself from that space because you are also you know,
I'm also at ching goo to without the nordin and
you are right like, I'm also my own person, and
I have to find my balance, and and it's it's
hard sometimes because sometimes I'll be like waking up and
be like what is there? You know, it's just why
(40:46):
you can get balance and what works best for me.
So absolutely I love that. Um. Social media is a
space where comparison is also a really big thing that
so many people struggle with have combated. We've had entire
episodes dedicated to the comparison trap. Did you ever fall
prey to that? And if so, how do you avoid it? Um? Yeah,
(41:07):
I feel like I said, I still do um it
it um. It's just such a interesting world. Social media
is you know, sometimes I see like I'll put in
the work. I've put in the work, and you know,
things that I know I deserve I haven't gotten or
(41:28):
I haven't received, you know. And seeing how the some
of my peers, who are you know, doing the damn
thing really killing it, you know, putting in the work
and all that stuff, I'm like, wait, like why am
I not there? Why am I not you know, getting
that deal? Or why am I not you know, at
this event or that and that? And what I have
(41:48):
to understand, Um, I'm trying to understand, like it's it's
a journey, is that everybody has their own journey. Everybody
has their own journey, and yours is so unique to
your like to your life and your life purpose and
and all the power and magic that is happening in
your life. And you just have to like really trust
(42:12):
in the process and being the moment, because, um, comparison
is a disease. My dad always says, comparison is a disease, baby,
It really is. And it is a disease that will
strip you of joy and strip you of opportunities that
you you so definitely deserve because you feel like, oh,
(42:32):
I should be here because this person is here, or
I should beat this because this person is here. And
the thing we don't understand is that we never know
what's happening in somebody else's life, you know, we never
know somebody else's story. So even though it's hard to
stop comparing yourself to like, oh, but she bought a house,
or but he has a car, or he has this,
and I don't know, babe, your journey is uniquely yours
(42:57):
and and and life always works out for you. That's
how I always try and look at things. Life always
works out for you. It has to, and that's it.
And so your journey is yours, and we'll take what
whatever form shaped size it needs to take to get
(43:18):
you to your highest version. And maybe that journey is longer, shorter,
and this other persons is theirs, and that's right, right,
and you just have to trust the process. You're so
right about that. And it's that also, that reminder that
I think a lot of us need, that you never
know what's going on behind closed doors, you know, especially
now more than ever, I feel like the conversation is
(43:40):
really opening up about mental health and wellness, and it's
like it can be the prettiest people, the most successful seeming,
people who are miserable, who are sad, who are dealing
with sometimes high functioning depression or anxiety. It breaks my
heart some of these stories that I have to report
on some of the people I talked to for a
living on these carpets, in these movie junkets, and they're
(44:02):
miserable and you would never guess, you would never know
from how they throw the smile on their face when
the cameras roll. I've been that person myself at different points,
like if people only knew what was happening to minutes
before I started recording, and the heap on the floor
I'm gonna fall into after I finished recording, because it's
(44:22):
not always as glitzy and glamorous and shiny as it
seems for anyone, no matter what industry or what what
path of life. So I think um having that compassion
for oneself and also extending that to the people around
us and saying, you know, we never know what they're
going through when we see them with those winds. Maybe
they needed that win more than you did. Maybe that breakthrough,
(44:43):
that moment was God just throwing them at heill Mary,
because Lord knows what that happened if they had one
more l you know, so trying to have more grace
and compassion for each other is is a big thing
for for me, for us. I feel, um, no, that's
really important that you said that. Yeah, um, I want
to wrap things up with an idea that I absolutely love.
(45:07):
You recently said, I don't want to be resilient anymore.
I want to be a spoiled bit heavy on the spoils.
I want to be a sweet, soft flower dancing in
the meadow of dollar bills, clear skin, cleared checks and
girls trips. I received that. Okay, that is exactly where
I am. What inspired you to step into your soft
(45:30):
girl era? They let me, let me, let me talk
about this. The soft girl era is what should take
over everybody's life this summer, this season, today, two more
of them, days after that and forever. Okay, because I think,
speaking just as a black woman, I've always been put
(45:53):
in this, you know, in this space where like that's you,
the strong black woman. You can do this, you can
do that at Oh you know, don't worry, but you're
so strong, babe, I'm not. I don't want to. I
don't want to be strong. My sweets of flower dancing
in the matter of dollar bills, because that is the
life that I deserve. Black women are put into this
(46:17):
bubble where you have to be the resilient one, you
have to be that strong one, you have you have
to be the outspoken one. But no, not anymore, not anymore.
We deserve to be soft. We deserve to to be gentle,
We deserve to be spoiled, We deserve to to to
live this life of power just like sweet soft power, magic, supple,
(46:44):
softness and galore. That's what we deserve. And I want
to normalize that for Black women forever. I want black
women to not to not feel like they have to
be the strong woman every time. Maybe you don't have
to be that. You don't have to be powerful all
the time. You don't have to be bold all the time.
You can just be soft. And that is okay, baby,
(47:09):
That is okay, And that is the way I will
live the rest of my season. So if you see
me being a soft girl, don't be afraid. Come, let's
do it together. I love that. Yes, yes, yes, um.
If people want more of what, I'm so obvious y'all
(47:31):
haven't picked it up by now, But I don't even
know you might not be listening. Y'all might have the
podcast not mute. If you want this energy, come and
get it. Actually, where can people find you? Where can
they go for more of the good vibes are confidence
Queen Bessie's You can find me on the Internet being
a tantializing sexy woman at no ordinary noir with an
(47:53):
E on Instagram and on TikTok soon to be YouTube.
You know, so per Okay find internet and I hope
we can tantialize the world together. Babies. I love it.
Thank you so so so much for spreading your joy,
your wisdom, um, your confidence with us. It is so palpable,
(48:13):
it's contagious, and it is so clear why your your
star is just skyrocketing. So I can't wait to see
it continue to rise. And I appreciate you. Thank you,
love absolutely, thank you so much for having me today.
I hope you all have a beautiful, tantalizing, delicious day.
Kisses and catch you on the internet. Awesome, happy, Oh
(48:37):
my gosh, she was amazing. Tell me how much you
loved her. She's so awesome. Thank you again, a Tiang
for joining me on this episode. She's so funny. Right.
I am ready to step into my soft girl era
this summer, so let's go. Um. If you're listening right now,
make sure you're checking out the Hot Happy Mess dot
com website for show notes, if you want to break down,
(49:00):
if you want to learn more about this week's guest,
or if you want to come on the podcast that
is right, if you have a hilarious WTF moment, or
know someone with the story to tell, whether it's funny,
whether it's bit or sweet, whether it's just a lesson learned,
whatever it is, I want to hear your stories. I
want to share your stories, so hit me up hello
at Hot Happy mess dot com. Okay, I am off
(49:22):
to quite literally finished packing and cuddle with Lola, and
I need to eat. I need dinner. Oh my gosh,
I can't believe I'm flying to friends tomorrow. Okay, be
sure to share this episode with a friend right now,
and I will talk to you soon. By bye bye
by
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