December 16, 2025 • 21 mins
Jessica was in a horrific car accident, but is slowly healing. She feels like her husband hasn't been as romantic with her since the incident and she doesn't know what to do.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the Fread Show.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
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Speaker 1 (00:25):
Fread Show is on. Is Stay or Go? All right? Jessica?
Good morning, Jessica. How are you? I'm good? How are
you doing? Great?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Jessica. I've got your your note here for stay or Go.
We're gonna at the end of this, we're gonna side
decide collectively the room and then everyone listening eight five
five five one three five the trajectory.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
For the rest of your life.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Because I don't know if you knew this, and it's
in a fine print, but like, whatever we decide is
what you're gonna have to do with your life.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
So here we go.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
You Unfortunately, we're recently in a car accident and I'm sorry,
but you're okay. You're as okay, as can be now.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Right, Yeah, you know, it was a year and a
half ago, and I have a bunch of injuries that
you know, I survived. I'm here and I'm really happy
to be alive.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Good, and so there's some repercussions though, Like the life
is a little bit different now. You're not maybe moving
around as well as you were a year and a
half ago and things like that.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Yeah, of course, you know, I'm not really like able
to walk or really like act like myself. It's not
the same. And you know, I understand that it's kind
of a new version of me and that it would
be hard for.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Anybody to deal with.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
But my husband has never said anything about that I
kind of look new or that I act a bit different.
But he has been treating me a bit different. He
doesn't really want to have sex with me, and he's
not really romantic.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
He's just kind of different.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
I guess, okay, and everything, you know, go ahead, oh, nories.
I've tried to talk to him about it, and he
keeps assuring me that he doesn't feel differently about me,
and he does say that I'm beautiful, but I don't know,
the actions aren't really saying the same thing and saying
the opposite.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Like like you're not you're not exercising as much, or
like you sort of form his change. I mean, what
what is what has changed exactly? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (02:27):
I used to take classes every single day, different workout classes,
and I'm not really moving as well. So I can
take yoga maybe twice a week, which isn't the same
and it's I'm not even as good, of course as
I was before. And you know, I used to do
so many things around the house and I can't clean
as well, so I'm not really doing that as well.
(02:50):
You know, I had to buy like a little robot
that goes around the apartment.
Speaker 4 (02:53):
Clean a little bit better.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Okay? And is this permanent? Like is it?
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Are you in the process of I'm just trying to
sort of understand what what life looks like now, and
how is this sort of a permanent change over time?
Will you sort of rehab and then maybe be able
to to because I mean, I don't really care what
this guy thinks.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
For yourself.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
I mean, if you aspire to be this sounds like
fitness and that you know sort of thing was something
that was important to you prior you to your accident.
So is this something that you'll be able to get
back to or not.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
I think not to the capacity I was doing before.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
And yes I am and rehabit working towards being a
better version of myself is from the accident, but I'm
not there yet. It's been a year and a half
and it's going to take a bit of time, and
I'm doing my best.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
And so you guys have.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Talked about this, Jessica, and you've said, hey, you know,
I've noticed a difference since the accident, and I feel
like maybe you don't. I h what's the word I
would use. I'm not as appealing to you as I've
noticed that. I feel that you're not as appealing. I'm
not as appealing to you as I was before the accident.
And this guy has reassured you that he doesn't feel
(04:01):
any differently, but yet his actions, you know, as far
as intimacy and things like that, say say something different.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Yeah, it says something completely different, and you know it's
it's hurtful. And I've tried saying it many, many times,
and he just keeps reassuring me he feels the same way.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
And so the question becomes like, is it is it
always going to be this way or is it something
that he that he adjusts to or does he come around?
Or I mean, is this the new sort of state
of normal in your in your marriage, in which case
you'd have to ask yourself are we ever going to
have the same connection? And if we're not, then what
does that look like? I assume that's kind of where
you're at. Yeah, no, it is what does your gut
(04:40):
tell you? Does your gut tell you that this is
that he'll come around? Or does does your gut tell
you that he's just not comfortable with the new normal
and and maybe he sees you differently despite and doesn't
want to hurt your feelings, which, of course it would
be devastating for your partner to say that to you.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
You know, right now it feels like he sees differently,
which is why I keep asking him, you know, how
he feels about me? And I need to be reassured
right now it doesn't feel like he sees me in
the same way at all?
Speaker 1 (05:13):
And how long could you go on like this before
you move on?
Speaker 3 (05:20):
I don't know. It's hard because he's my husband and
I love him, so it's it's tricky. I just I
don't feel wanted or loved the way that I did before.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
So I don't know, and I knew that.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
I know that's kind of cliche to say, but I mean,
and from the guy who's never been married, but it
isn't in a relationship, but like you know, you marry someone,
this is supposed to be for life, and yeah, and
you're supposed to know in what is it that they
say in sickness and in health? I mean, so you
don't necessarily marry permanently the person who you married whenever
you do. You know, people obviously, time evolves and people
(05:59):
change and things happen and people age. And I'm sure
you know, maybe he's exactly the same guy as he
was whenever you married him.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
I doubt it.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
And it's very easy for all of us to say, well,
that's the deal, that's the code, that's what you agreed to.
But I mean, if we ask ourselves honestly, are we
prepared for our partner to get sicker? Were prepared for
our partner to decide that they don't want to take
care of themselves anymore? Are we prepared for our partner
to be in an accident? Are we truly prepared for that,
I wonder if people are being really honest. You hope
(06:28):
the answer is always yes, But is it really because
you know, who wants to become And I'm not saying
this is your example, but I mean, who really wants
to become a caregiver? Who really wants to have to do?
And then but that's what we agreed to. But I
guess what I'm trying to get to is the other
side of this, the honest side where it's this, wasn't
you know that he thought he was marrying one thing
(06:50):
and now he feels like he's getting something different and
he's having a hard time with that connection. That that's
a him problem, not a you problem. But I mean
I think we, you know, we kind of have to
be honest with ourselves that this is something that could
happen in any relationship, despite people saying over and over again, stick,
this is it in health, this is what you're supposed
to do. And so I guess I'm going with this
(07:12):
is at what point do you say this guy is
clearly not prepared for that. He said it, but he
doesn't mean it, and you know he may love you,
but I guess you know, at what point do you say,
I need to hit reset on this, Like this, this
guy's not clearly in it for everything. He's not all in,
and so maybe I need to move on and find
(07:33):
somebody who is, because you can't be expected to live
this way feeling kind of rejected for the rest of
your life. I mean, how long are you supposed to
wait for this guy to decide that he's above all this?
Speaker 3 (07:47):
I don't know, you know, is it another year, is
it another couple months.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
It's hard because you know, if I was in his position,
of course, I think i'd be acting differently, But I
don't know, and.
Speaker 5 (08:05):
You don't suspect that there's any shenanigans going on, like
he may be in another situation.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
Oh okay, I mean he's he's like word wise, he's
really been there for me, you know, he always says
that I'm beautiful and is very loving in words, but
the actions are not really there.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (08:27):
This is really sad, and I'm really sorry that you
guys are going through this. And I feel like, to
a friend's point, like, yeah, maybe he's not prepared, but
is anybody ever prepared for a transition like this in life?
When you become the caregiver, whether it's to your partner,
an aging parent, even your children. Like this can happen
to anybody, so nobody's exempt from any of this. So
I do think that he needs to step it up
(08:47):
and be the husband that he promised to be when
he said right through sickness and through health. And yes,
not everybody's equipped to be that, I understand, but we
that's chosen family, right when you marry somebody, it's chosen family.
Speaker 7 (08:58):
Like we are now a unit. So like I feel like.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Well, that's what I mean.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
I mean, people say this, but are they really prepared
by the way, you know, And I don't know your
situation completely, Jessica, but like I mean, you're you're you're mobile,
you're still you're exercising, you're working at it, you're trying
to be your best self. You're limited in certain ways.
I mean, it could be so much worse. People deal
with much worse every single day, And I guess I
(09:22):
just wonder, you know, maybe there's a transition period where
he sort of mourns what used to be, but then
then you step it up and you go, Okay, no,
it's I married more than this.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
It was.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
It's it's deeper than that, and it sounds like maybe
he didn't. I mean, a year and a half is
a long time to wait for someone to uh for
you to feel wanted again, and you deserve to feel wanted.
So I don't know, maybe that's the conversation. You know,
maybe it's And I would love to know what people
have been through this or you know, after pregnancy or
or or or you know, and I get it sound
(09:53):
all about women. You know, maybe a guy went through
an accident and he was, you know, very physically fit
and then now he's not as much. Or maybe maybe
people just lose the energy or the will, or they
get busy and they don't prioritize things that were once
important to them, that people once found attractive. But I
guess at what point do you sit down and say, look,
I you know, you say that you care about me
the same way, but it doesn't feel that way. And
(10:15):
if it's never going to feel that way again, then
you know, maybe maybe our connection is lost. And that's
very very sad, but that may be the reality. I mean,
is it is it something worth talking about in those terms?
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (10:31):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
I've spoken to him about these terms, but I think
it's about putting a timeline. Don't you think about when
when it starts to affect me that I can't be
in this or do this anymore where I feel unwanted
for this long?
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Well, the timeline is yours.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
By the way I started interrupt you, the timeline is
yours to make like you can't really go to him
and be like, hey, I'll tell you. I give you
six months to get your act together and remember the
person you marry and the and the person inside of
here or else. I mean, I think you have to
decide at some point do you think he's ever going
to come around? And if not, you know, you obviously
still bring a tremendous amount of value to the world.
You're the same exact person that he married, So off
(11:13):
we go.
Speaker 7 (11:16):
I think they should try counseling.
Speaker 5 (11:18):
I don't think she should give up on him, because
the way that she said, he's still speaking to her
and he's still you know, telling her she's beautiful. Maybe
he's just going through a mental transition of trying to
find his footing in you all's new reality. Like you know,
when when something happens to your partner that changes you too.
So maybe he's just going through a rough time, and
I may I think maybe you guys can work it
(11:39):
out in counseling.
Speaker 7 (11:39):
I don't. I don't want to tell you throw your
marriage away.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
No, I definitely think maybe there's a different Maybe some
help with the communication would be good.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
But yeah, but I mean, if he's not.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
A year and a half is a long time for
a guy to tell you one thing and act differently. Sure,
So yeah, Jess, let me take some phone calls on this.
I want to see what people have to say. But
I wish you the best.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Thank you. Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I mean again, you know, people say, oh, yeah, I'm
in it for the long haul, I'm in it for
whatever it is. And then but then is sometimes you realize, well,
now this maybe they're not in fact, And then and
then I think, is it wrong to say, Okay, well
you're not the you weren't actually in this for sickness
in and hell, so we got to move on. I
gotta do something else. I got to find somebody who
values this version of me. I thought it was you.
(12:18):
But it's not tough because otherwise you just live your
whole life, the rest of your life like this. I
mean if you tried everything. Is there any shame in
prioritizing yourself? I mean, maybe there's shame on his side
because well, he didn't live up to his end of
the deal. But hey, Holly, yes, Hi, Holly, Hey, good morning.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Say or go? What do you think?
Speaker 8 (12:40):
I think? Definitely say it sounds a lot like my
husband when I had gone through cancer chemo radiation, and
I told him that I'm, you know, felt comfortable being intimate,
but he was so afraid of not wanting to hurt me,
not wanting me to feel comfortable, not wanting me to
feel pressure. And it just sounds like he's very supportive
(13:02):
of her and these are the bumps in the world
that we go through in a marriage.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah, yeah, But do you think but that's I guess
That's what I'm getting at, is that's what you think,
and that's what you hope your partner thinks when they
agree to be with you for life. But do you
think that at this rate, that's really the commitment that like,
do you think that's really where his head is?
Speaker 8 (13:25):
I do, from just hearing what she's saying about him
being so supportive, I don't think we have a right
to tell anybody you know, what to do with their
bodies and how to change. And I think that it
does sound like he is willing, you know, to be
there through thick and thin and talk to her about it.
And I do feel sorry for her that she feels
(13:47):
it that a certain way, but I hope that she
can get a little bit of comfort maybe thinking that
that's how he's feeling.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Yeah, I guess just a year and a half of
words and actions that don't match the words, that's that's
a long time to wonder if if he's going to
come around, if he's going to accept the new normal.
So I don't know how I mean to use it.
A year and a half? Is it two years? Is
it three? Is it five? Is it ten? It?
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Is it?
Speaker 2 (14:13):
We married each other? So if the if the intimacy
aspect of this relationship has now fundamentally changed, it doesn't matter.
We just stick with it. Like I guess, that's my question.
I don't know, you know, so the holly, thank you
and I'm sorry you've been through that. Yeah, final thought, no,
final thought, go ahead.
Speaker 7 (14:29):
I appreciate that.
Speaker 8 (14:30):
No, I do I know, so, I do know that
it's a long time. I just want to know that
I have been there. It was quite a while, but
again it was just on his side mostly, and so
I'm sorry that she's going through it. And I thank
you guys. I love you. I will listen to you
every day.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Thank you very much. Have a good day.
Speaker 8 (14:51):
Thanks you too.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Glad you called Michelle. Hi, Michelle, good morning, goodnighting. Hey Michelle,
So just to RecA here if you're just tuning in.
This woman, Jessica in Sergo. She had an accident and
it sounds like she's I mean, she's not completely immobile
by any means, but she's sort of not the version
of herself sounds like physically that she was prior to
(15:14):
the accident. She's working at it, but she feels kind
of rejected by her partner now and he says that
he doesn't feel any differently, but his actions don't back
that up. And it's been a year and a half
of this and they have had the conversations and they've
tried to work through it, but it's not changing.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
You know, what do you do?
Speaker 9 (15:31):
You know, I've been married now twenty seven years, and
that's kind of what marriage is. You're going to have
those ups and downs, those ups and downs might last a.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
Couple of years, but it's not.
Speaker 9 (15:45):
I mean, it's a matter if you're in it for
the long run. And it really really sounded to me
like she's carrying baggage, that she's feeling less of herself
and she might be putting that on him. I think
should go talk to somebody. But I don't think that's
why you walk away. I mean, when you see these
(16:05):
couples that have been married sixty years, you don't think
they've had their stuff. And I'm my husband and I
have had our stuff and we're finally, twenty seven years later,
getting to the other side, I hope, with that rainbow
and where it's just like fabulous.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
So that's an interesting perspective because a year and a
half that was like a long time, But then when
you think of it over the course of a lifetime,
a year and a half is nothing, I guess. But
that's the thing that that's what we're trying to get
to here, And of course we're not dumb radio people
going to figure it out.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
But it's like, you know, in.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Five years, if nothing changes and you saw the signs,
then is it like, well, I maybe maybe this isn't
the guy that I thought I married. Maybe he's not
actually committed the way that I thought he was, and
so we probably should have moved on a while ago.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
You know.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
I guess it's how do you know, Michelle, And I
guess what you're saying is you don't necessarily know, but hey,
we made this commitment, so we're going to stick with
it for ever.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Yeah that's a good question.
Speaker 9 (17:02):
Yeah, I mean, it's just that's kind of what you
signed up for. I mean, I guess that's how I
view it. It's you know, and you know, maybe they
don't have kids. You know, maybe it's not complicated as complicated.
I have four kids, so you know, maybe it's not
that complicated without kids, but with kids. Yeah, now I
(17:23):
think that's good. It's part of what when you see
the people that have been married sixty years and you say,
you know, what's they have secret sauce. It's like it's
times like this when you have much rough patches, that that's.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
The secret sauce.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Yeah, thank you, Michelle, have a good day.
Speaker 8 (17:40):
I love you, guys, Hey love you.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
When she makes a good point, my grandparents are married
for almost seventy years, it's like you're gonna tell me
in seventy years there weren't you know, lots of the
health issues.
Speaker 7 (17:48):
There was a decade. Granny probably was like, but.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
Do we even still have those same like?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
And again this is now, this is getting even like
more deep, but do we even still have those same value?
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Is anymore like? Is that even? Is that?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
And I guess that's what I was getting at prior
is are people really getting married anymore? Truly thinking in
their head, no matter what happens, this.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Is for life.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Because if you if that's not your mentality, then what
Michelle is saying doesn't really matter because that person isn't
isn't feeling the same thing, like, they don't see it
the same way. They're already out and so this is
just not to hurt her feelings. This is almost to
make it her idea, you know, so to assuage some
form of guilty.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
Rachel, Rachel, who are you talking to?
Speaker 8 (18:39):
I'm talking to like three people?
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Oh, because I'm going to listen to your you know,
external dialogue there. But I can think I came in
mid sentence, what did you want to say? Good morning
and welcome?
Speaker 8 (18:52):
Good morning?
Speaker 4 (18:53):
I was just saying, he is in caregiving mode right now,
that part of his brain is just turned off. He's
obviously in love with her and wants to take care
of her. They need to see an intimacy therapist. And
to put it lightly, I think she in that intimacy
department needs to take things into her own hands and
(19:19):
make some purchases.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Purchases. Oh oh, okay, all right, we can leave it there. Purchases.
I think we can fill in the blank on that one.
So she needs to sort of maybe she needs to
make you're saying she used to spice things up in
some ways.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
Maybe see.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Yeah, And honestly, they really do need to see a
sex therapist because.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
I don't put this all on her at all.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Like maybe partially, I mean, maybe she's emitting or emoting
some kind of you know, feeling of insecurity, which is unattractive,
But like you know, it's also his job to sort
of meet her where she is. If in fact we're
doing this whole lifelong thing, it isn't on.
Speaker 4 (19:58):
Her at all. I do not think on her at all.
He has that part of his brain has just turned
off because of whatever she went through. It was trauma
and he's been through trauma too, right, watching her get
better and watching her body possibly be broken in places
he doesn't want to hurt her and he's in mommy mode.
(20:19):
He is taking care of her, and it's sometimes hard
to turn that part of your brain back on.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you, Rachel, have a good
damn glad you called.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Yep. It's just so hard to know, and everyone's saying
stay like all the text, all the things, it's just
so hard to know, Like is this a phase or
is the switch off?
Speaker 7 (20:40):
I think only time will tell.
Speaker 5 (20:41):
I think if you're in a marriage, got to you
gotta kind of go through it first before you make
such this hard decision, which you would be.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
Leaving, because I mean, you know, maybe he's like, if
I just sort of stick around and try not to
hurt her feelings, then that's better than admitting to myself
to the world that I don't like the new version
of her and I want out, because then that makes
you the bad guy. So you know, that's that would
be My biggest concern is like are you hanging on
(21:09):
like you you love me or maybe you're in love
with me, but like are you still attracted to me?
And if you're not, how long do we play that game?
Speaker 5 (21:16):
Right, but explore I say, explore all options before you
make the decision.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Purchases, Yes, purchase purchases
This is the Fread Show.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Dame is taking over Las Vegas this January for his
seven night Presidents Adobe Live at Park MGM, and we've
got a trip for two to the January twenty fifth
show to night Hotel State at Park MGM January twenty
fourth through the twenty sixth and round trip airfare. Text
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Speaker 1 (00:25):
Fread Show is on. Is Stay or Go? All right? Jessica?
Good morning, Jessica. How are you? I'm good? How are
you doing? Great?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Jessica. I've got your your note here for stay or Go.
We're gonna at the end of this, we're gonna side
decide collectively the room and then everyone listening eight five
five five one three five the trajectory.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
For the rest of your life.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Because I don't know if you knew this, and it's
in a fine print, but like, whatever we decide is
what you're gonna have to do with your life.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
So here we go.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
You Unfortunately, we're recently in a car accident and I'm sorry,
but you're okay. You're as okay, as can be now.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Right, Yeah, you know, it was a year and a
half ago, and I have a bunch of injuries that
you know, I survived. I'm here and I'm really happy
to be alive.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Good, and so there's some repercussions though, Like the life
is a little bit different now. You're not maybe moving
around as well as you were a year and a
half ago and things like that.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Yeah, of course, you know, I'm not really like able
to walk or really like act like myself. It's not
the same. And you know, I understand that it's kind
of a new version of me and that it would
be hard for.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Anybody to deal with.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
But my husband has never said anything about that I
kind of look new or that I act a bit different.
But he has been treating me a bit different. He
doesn't really want to have sex with me, and he's
not really romantic.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
He's just kind of different.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
I guess, okay, and everything, you know, go ahead, oh, nories.
I've tried to talk to him about it, and he
keeps assuring me that he doesn't feel differently about me,
and he does say that I'm beautiful, but I don't know,
the actions aren't really saying the same thing and saying
the opposite.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Like like you're not you're not exercising as much, or
like you sort of form his change. I mean, what
what is what has changed exactly? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (02:27):
I used to take classes every single day, different workout classes,
and I'm not really moving as well. So I can
take yoga maybe twice a week, which isn't the same
and it's I'm not even as good, of course as
I was before. And you know, I used to do
so many things around the house and I can't clean
as well, so I'm not really doing that as well.
(02:50):
You know, I had to buy like a little robot
that goes around the apartment.
Speaker 4 (02:53):
Clean a little bit better.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Okay? And is this permanent? Like is it?
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Are you in the process of I'm just trying to
sort of understand what what life looks like now, and
how is this sort of a permanent change over time?
Will you sort of rehab and then maybe be able
to to because I mean, I don't really care what
this guy thinks.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
For yourself.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
I mean, if you aspire to be this sounds like
fitness and that you know sort of thing was something
that was important to you prior you to your accident.
So is this something that you'll be able to get
back to or not.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
I think not to the capacity I was doing before.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
And yes I am and rehabit working towards being a
better version of myself is from the accident, but I'm
not there yet. It's been a year and a half
and it's going to take a bit of time, and
I'm doing my best.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
And so you guys have.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Talked about this, Jessica, and you've said, hey, you know,
I've noticed a difference since the accident, and I feel
like maybe you don't. I h what's the word I
would use. I'm not as appealing to you as I've
noticed that. I feel that you're not as appealing. I'm
not as appealing to you as I was before the accident.
And this guy has reassured you that he doesn't feel
(04:01):
any differently, but yet his actions, you know, as far
as intimacy and things like that, say say something different.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Yeah, it says something completely different, and you know it's
it's hurtful. And I've tried saying it many, many times,
and he just keeps reassuring me he feels the same way.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
And so the question becomes like, is it is it
always going to be this way or is it something
that he that he adjusts to or does he come around?
Or I mean, is this the new sort of state
of normal in your in your marriage, in which case
you'd have to ask yourself are we ever going to
have the same connection? And if we're not, then what
does that look like? I assume that's kind of where
you're at. Yeah, no, it is what does your gut
(04:40):
tell you? Does your gut tell you that this is
that he'll come around? Or does does your gut tell
you that he's just not comfortable with the new normal
and and maybe he sees you differently despite and doesn't
want to hurt your feelings, which, of course it would
be devastating for your partner to say that to you.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
You know, right now it feels like he sees differently,
which is why I keep asking him, you know, how
he feels about me? And I need to be reassured
right now it doesn't feel like he sees me in
the same way at all?
Speaker 1 (05:13):
And how long could you go on like this before
you move on?
Speaker 3 (05:20):
I don't know. It's hard because he's my husband and
I love him, so it's it's tricky. I just I
don't feel wanted or loved the way that I did before.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
So I don't know, and I knew that.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
I know that's kind of cliche to say, but I mean,
and from the guy who's never been married, but it
isn't in a relationship, but like you know, you marry someone,
this is supposed to be for life, and yeah, and
you're supposed to know in what is it that they
say in sickness and in health? I mean, so you
don't necessarily marry permanently the person who you married whenever
you do. You know, people obviously, time evolves and people
(05:59):
change and things happen and people age. And I'm sure
you know, maybe he's exactly the same guy as he
was whenever you married him.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
I doubt it.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
And it's very easy for all of us to say, well,
that's the deal, that's the code, that's what you agreed to.
But I mean, if we ask ourselves honestly, are we
prepared for our partner to get sicker? Were prepared for
our partner to decide that they don't want to take
care of themselves anymore? Are we prepared for our partner
to be in an accident? Are we truly prepared for that,
I wonder if people are being really honest. You hope
(06:28):
the answer is always yes, But is it really because
you know, who wants to become And I'm not saying
this is your example, but I mean, who really wants
to become a caregiver? Who really wants to have to do?
And then but that's what we agreed to. But I
guess what I'm trying to get to is the other
side of this, the honest side where it's this, wasn't
you know that he thought he was marrying one thing
(06:50):
and now he feels like he's getting something different and
he's having a hard time with that connection. That that's
a him problem, not a you problem. But I mean
I think we, you know, we kind of have to
be honest with ourselves that this is something that could
happen in any relationship, despite people saying over and over again, stick,
this is it in health, this is what you're supposed
to do. And so I guess I'm going with this
(07:12):
is at what point do you say this guy is
clearly not prepared for that. He said it, but he
doesn't mean it, and you know he may love you,
but I guess you know, at what point do you say,
I need to hit reset on this, Like this, this
guy's not clearly in it for everything. He's not all in,
and so maybe I need to move on and find
(07:33):
somebody who is, because you can't be expected to live
this way feeling kind of rejected for the rest of
your life. I mean, how long are you supposed to
wait for this guy to decide that he's above all this?
Speaker 3 (07:47):
I don't know, you know, is it another year, is
it another couple months.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
It's hard because you know, if I was in his position,
of course, I think i'd be acting differently, But I
don't know, and.
Speaker 5 (08:05):
You don't suspect that there's any shenanigans going on, like
he may be in another situation.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
Oh okay, I mean he's he's like word wise, he's
really been there for me, you know, he always says
that I'm beautiful and is very loving in words, but
the actions are not really there.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (08:27):
This is really sad, and I'm really sorry that you
guys are going through this. And I feel like, to
a friend's point, like, yeah, maybe he's not prepared, but
is anybody ever prepared for a transition like this in life?
When you become the caregiver, whether it's to your partner,
an aging parent, even your children. Like this can happen
to anybody, so nobody's exempt from any of this. So
I do think that he needs to step it up
(08:47):
and be the husband that he promised to be when
he said right through sickness and through health. And yes,
not everybody's equipped to be that, I understand, but we
that's chosen family, right when you marry somebody, it's chosen family.
Speaker 7 (08:58):
Like we are now a unit. So like I feel like.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Well, that's what I mean.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
I mean, people say this, but are they really prepared
by the way, you know, And I don't know your
situation completely, Jessica, but like I mean, you're you're you're mobile,
you're still you're exercising, you're working at it, you're trying
to be your best self. You're limited in certain ways.
I mean, it could be so much worse. People deal
with much worse every single day, And I guess I
(09:22):
just wonder, you know, maybe there's a transition period where
he sort of mourns what used to be, but then
then you step it up and you go, Okay, no,
it's I married more than this.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
It was.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
It's it's deeper than that, and it sounds like maybe
he didn't. I mean, a year and a half is
a long time to wait for someone to uh for
you to feel wanted again, and you deserve to feel wanted.
So I don't know, maybe that's the conversation. You know,
maybe it's And I would love to know what people
have been through this or you know, after pregnancy or
or or or you know, and I get it sound
(09:53):
all about women. You know, maybe a guy went through
an accident and he was, you know, very physically fit
and then now he's not as much. Or maybe maybe
people just lose the energy or the will, or they
get busy and they don't prioritize things that were once
important to them, that people once found attractive. But I
guess at what point do you sit down and say, look,
I you know, you say that you care about me
the same way, but it doesn't feel that way. And
(10:15):
if it's never going to feel that way again, then
you know, maybe maybe our connection is lost. And that's
very very sad, but that may be the reality. I mean,
is it is it something worth talking about in those terms?
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (10:31):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
I've spoken to him about these terms, but I think
it's about putting a timeline. Don't you think about when
when it starts to affect me that I can't be
in this or do this anymore where I feel unwanted
for this long?
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Well, the timeline is yours.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
By the way I started interrupt you, the timeline is
yours to make like you can't really go to him
and be like, hey, I'll tell you. I give you
six months to get your act together and remember the
person you marry and the and the person inside of
here or else. I mean, I think you have to
decide at some point do you think he's ever going
to come around? And if not, you know, you obviously
still bring a tremendous amount of value to the world.
You're the same exact person that he married, So off
(11:13):
we go.
Speaker 7 (11:16):
I think they should try counseling.
Speaker 5 (11:18):
I don't think she should give up on him, because
the way that she said, he's still speaking to her
and he's still you know, telling her she's beautiful. Maybe
he's just going through a mental transition of trying to
find his footing in you all's new reality. Like you know,
when when something happens to your partner that changes you too.
So maybe he's just going through a rough time, and
I may I think maybe you guys can work it
(11:39):
out in counseling.
Speaker 7 (11:39):
I don't. I don't want to tell you throw your
marriage away.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
No, I definitely think maybe there's a different Maybe some
help with the communication would be good.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
But yeah, but I mean, if he's not.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
A year and a half is a long time for
a guy to tell you one thing and act differently. Sure,
So yeah, Jess, let me take some phone calls on this.
I want to see what people have to say. But
I wish you the best.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Thank you. Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I mean again, you know, people say, oh, yeah, I'm
in it for the long haul, I'm in it for
whatever it is. And then but then is sometimes you realize, well,
now this maybe they're not in fact, And then and
then I think, is it wrong to say, Okay, well
you're not the you weren't actually in this for sickness
in and hell, so we got to move on. I
gotta do something else. I got to find somebody who
values this version of me. I thought it was you.
(12:18):
But it's not tough because otherwise you just live your
whole life, the rest of your life like this. I
mean if you tried everything. Is there any shame in
prioritizing yourself? I mean, maybe there's shame on his side
because well, he didn't live up to his end of
the deal. But hey, Holly, yes, Hi, Holly, Hey, good morning.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Say or go? What do you think?
Speaker 8 (12:40):
I think? Definitely say it sounds a lot like my
husband when I had gone through cancer chemo radiation, and
I told him that I'm, you know, felt comfortable being intimate,
but he was so afraid of not wanting to hurt me,
not wanting me to feel comfortable, not wanting me to
feel pressure. And it just sounds like he's very supportive
(13:02):
of her and these are the bumps in the world
that we go through in a marriage.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah, yeah, But do you think but that's I guess
That's what I'm getting at, is that's what you think,
and that's what you hope your partner thinks when they
agree to be with you for life. But do you
think that at this rate, that's really the commitment that like,
do you think that's really where his head is?
Speaker 8 (13:25):
I do, from just hearing what she's saying about him
being so supportive, I don't think we have a right
to tell anybody you know, what to do with their
bodies and how to change. And I think that it
does sound like he is willing, you know, to be
there through thick and thin and talk to her about it.
And I do feel sorry for her that she feels
(13:47):
it that a certain way, but I hope that she
can get a little bit of comfort maybe thinking that
that's how he's feeling.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Yeah, I guess just a year and a half of
words and actions that don't match the words, that's that's
a long time to wonder if if he's going to
come around, if he's going to accept the new normal.
So I don't know how I mean to use it.
A year and a half? Is it two years? Is
it three? Is it five? Is it ten? It?
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Is it?
Speaker 2 (14:13):
We married each other? So if the if the intimacy
aspect of this relationship has now fundamentally changed, it doesn't matter.
We just stick with it. Like I guess, that's my question.
I don't know, you know, so the holly, thank you
and I'm sorry you've been through that. Yeah, final thought, no,
final thought, go ahead.
Speaker 7 (14:29):
I appreciate that.
Speaker 8 (14:30):
No, I do I know, so, I do know that
it's a long time. I just want to know that
I have been there. It was quite a while, but
again it was just on his side mostly, and so
I'm sorry that she's going through it. And I thank
you guys. I love you. I will listen to you
every day.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Thank you very much. Have a good day.
Speaker 8 (14:51):
Thanks you too.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Glad you called Michelle. Hi, Michelle, good morning, goodnighting. Hey Michelle,
So just to RecA here if you're just tuning in.
This woman, Jessica in Sergo. She had an accident and
it sounds like she's I mean, she's not completely immobile
by any means, but she's sort of not the version
of herself sounds like physically that she was prior to
(15:14):
the accident. She's working at it, but she feels kind
of rejected by her partner now and he says that
he doesn't feel any differently, but his actions don't back
that up. And it's been a year and a half
of this and they have had the conversations and they've
tried to work through it, but it's not changing.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
You know, what do you do?
Speaker 9 (15:31):
You know, I've been married now twenty seven years, and
that's kind of what marriage is. You're going to have
those ups and downs, those ups and downs might last a.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
Couple of years, but it's not.
Speaker 9 (15:45):
I mean, it's a matter if you're in it for
the long run. And it really really sounded to me
like she's carrying baggage, that she's feeling less of herself
and she might be putting that on him. I think
should go talk to somebody. But I don't think that's
why you walk away. I mean, when you see these
(16:05):
couples that have been married sixty years, you don't think
they've had their stuff. And I'm my husband and I
have had our stuff and we're finally, twenty seven years later,
getting to the other side, I hope, with that rainbow
and where it's just like fabulous.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
So that's an interesting perspective because a year and a
half that was like a long time, But then when
you think of it over the course of a lifetime,
a year and a half is nothing, I guess. But
that's the thing that that's what we're trying to get
to here, And of course we're not dumb radio people
going to figure it out.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
But it's like, you know, in.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Five years, if nothing changes and you saw the signs,
then is it like, well, I maybe maybe this isn't
the guy that I thought I married. Maybe he's not
actually committed the way that I thought he was, and
so we probably should have moved on a while ago.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
You know.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
I guess it's how do you know, Michelle, And I
guess what you're saying is you don't necessarily know, but hey,
we made this commitment, so we're going to stick with
it for ever.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Yeah that's a good question.
Speaker 9 (17:02):
Yeah, I mean, it's just that's kind of what you
signed up for. I mean, I guess that's how I
view it. It's you know, and you know, maybe they
don't have kids. You know, maybe it's not complicated as complicated.
I have four kids, so you know, maybe it's not
that complicated without kids, but with kids. Yeah, now I
(17:23):
think that's good. It's part of what when you see
the people that have been married sixty years and you say,
you know, what's they have secret sauce. It's like it's
times like this when you have much rough patches, that that's.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
The secret sauce.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Yeah, thank you, Michelle, have a good day.
Speaker 8 (17:40):
I love you, guys, Hey love you.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
When she makes a good point, my grandparents are married
for almost seventy years, it's like you're gonna tell me
in seventy years there weren't you know, lots of the
health issues.
Speaker 7 (17:48):
There was a decade. Granny probably was like, but.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
Do we even still have those same like?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
And again this is now, this is getting even like
more deep, but do we even still have those same value?
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Is anymore like? Is that even? Is that?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
And I guess that's what I was getting at prior
is are people really getting married anymore? Truly thinking in
their head, no matter what happens, this.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Is for life.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Because if you if that's not your mentality, then what
Michelle is saying doesn't really matter because that person isn't
isn't feeling the same thing, like, they don't see it
the same way. They're already out and so this is
just not to hurt her feelings. This is almost to
make it her idea, you know, so to assuage some
form of guilty.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
Rachel, Rachel, who are you talking to?
Speaker 8 (18:39):
I'm talking to like three people?
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Oh, because I'm going to listen to your you know,
external dialogue there. But I can think I came in
mid sentence, what did you want to say? Good morning
and welcome?
Speaker 8 (18:52):
Good morning?
Speaker 4 (18:53):
I was just saying, he is in caregiving mode right now,
that part of his brain is just turned off. He's
obviously in love with her and wants to take care
of her. They need to see an intimacy therapist. And
to put it lightly, I think she in that intimacy
department needs to take things into her own hands and
(19:19):
make some purchases.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Purchases. Oh oh, okay, all right, we can leave it there. Purchases.
I think we can fill in the blank on that one.
So she needs to sort of maybe she needs to
make you're saying she used to spice things up in
some ways.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
Maybe see.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Yeah, And honestly, they really do need to see a
sex therapist because.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
I don't put this all on her at all.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Like maybe partially, I mean, maybe she's emitting or emoting
some kind of you know, feeling of insecurity, which is unattractive,
But like you know, it's also his job to sort
of meet her where she is. If in fact we're
doing this whole lifelong thing, it isn't on.
Speaker 4 (19:58):
Her at all. I do not think on her at all.
He has that part of his brain has just turned
off because of whatever she went through. It was trauma
and he's been through trauma too, right, watching her get
better and watching her body possibly be broken in places
he doesn't want to hurt her and he's in mommy mode.
(20:19):
He is taking care of her, and it's sometimes hard
to turn that part of your brain back on.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you, Rachel, have a good
damn glad you called.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Yep. It's just so hard to know, and everyone's saying
stay like all the text, all the things, it's just
so hard to know, Like is this a phase or
is the switch off?
Speaker 7 (20:40):
I think only time will tell.
Speaker 5 (20:41):
I think if you're in a marriage, got to you
gotta kind of go through it first before you make
such this hard decision, which you would be.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
Leaving, because I mean, you know, maybe he's like, if
I just sort of stick around and try not to
hurt her feelings, then that's better than admitting to myself
to the world that I don't like the new version
of her and I want out, because then that makes
you the bad guy. So you know, that's that would
be My biggest concern is like are you hanging on
(21:09):
like you you love me or maybe you're in love
with me, but like are you still attracted to me?
And if you're not, how long do we play that game?
Speaker 5 (21:16):
Right, but explore I say, explore all options before you
make the decision.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Purchases, Yes, purchase purchases
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