Stay Or Go: The Last Name

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's stay or go.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
Okay, Jenny is here calling a local radio show to
solve life's problem.

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Jenny, Hey, guys, Hey.

Speaker 2 (00:12):
Jenny, what's going on? Tell us your situation?

Speaker 3 (00:17):
Okay, So I do need some advice.

Speaker 4 (00:20):
My husband and I got married last year, and I
know that this is called stay or go, but I'm
not actually considering divorce.

Speaker 1 (00:26):
Okay, Well, thanks for calling by. Yes you did, Yes,
you signed the waiver.

Speaker 2 (00:32):
The waiver says at the end, you have to do
whatever we tell you have to. You have to divorce
the man if we tell you to divorce the man.
That's that's part of the people don't realize this. It's
a waiver. People have to sign it and they have
to do what we decide at the end.

Speaker 4 (00:45):
Go ahead, Jenny, Well, I want your opinion on something
that has actually been affecting our marriage though, so I
haven't changed my last name to his like I originally planned.

Speaker 3 (00:57):
Prior to the marriage.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
We discussed it.

Speaker 4 (01:00):
And I said I would do it, but I'm kind
of changing my tune now.

Speaker 1 (01:04):
And I don't want to.

Speaker 4 (01:05):
But it's because I'm really proud of being a lawyer,
and I'm proud of my name in my line of work.

Speaker 3 (01:12):
And I'm the one that.

Speaker 4 (01:14):
Went to law school and busted my butt, not my husband.

Speaker 3 (01:17):
It's my name.

Speaker 4 (01:19):
And also, you know, my dad is my hero and
it's his name, so I want to honor him also,
and basically.

Speaker 1 (01:27):
I don't want to change it anymore. Meanwhile, well give
me well, yeah, I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 (01:34):
No, he's devastated. He's not happy about it. He said,
I've always dreamed of having the woman I love take
my last name, and it's something that heightened when he
met me, and he's really been looking forward to it
that he barely asks me for anything. This is the
one thing and it's gotten his hopes up. I mean,

(01:54):
it's been.

Speaker 1 (01:55):
Causing some issues at home.

Speaker 4 (01:57):
And while I do feel bad that I changed my mind,
I think it's okay that we change your mind about things,
you know, once they marrinate. And I want to know,
I want your advice.

Speaker 2 (02:08):
Why did you tell him that you would if you
if you don't want to. I mean, like these aren't
new things, right, Like you probably were a lawyer, your
dad was, you're here. All these reasons existed before. So
why was it okay before and it's not okay now?

Speaker 4 (02:26):
Maybe because I had time to think about it. It
wasn't right away, and now I'm thinking, maybe it's important
to have my name because of my dad and because
of my you know, pride to myself.

Speaker 2 (02:40):
I guess I just wonder what changed, because you could
have said no before, you know, you could have said, hey,
look the all these things, all these reasons are why
I want to keep my name. But I still want
to be married to you now. Granted, I don't think
you have a right to change your mind. It's your name.
You've changed your mind, You've created an identity for yourself,
a brand. Again, there's this familial pride, all these different things.

(03:03):
I guess I don't know why you can't. I don't
have an issue with this. You change your mind, How
does that? How does that change the fundamentals of your
marriage at all? It doesn't. You still love the guy.
Everything is exactly the same. You just decided that you're
not okay with this. You are right to it.

Speaker 1 (03:18):
It's your name.

Speaker 5 (03:19):
It's the one thing, though, that he's asking her for.
The one thing he's asking I think.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
That's not true.

Speaker 2 (03:25):
That's the one thing he's asking for, But how many
other things are implied in a relationship? Or in marriage
that he's saying that's the one thing he's asking. He's
also asking for love and affection and loyalty and all
these things that she's giving back to him.

Speaker 1 (03:38):
This is this is vanity. Wow, Okay, what do you mean?

Speaker 3 (03:43):
I mean, it's your partner is your husband?

Speaker 5 (03:45):
If you you took on this Marrior, you guys married,
you are one now, So can't you just maybe hyphenate
his name at least at the very least he wants
you to be missus Jones or whatever, Like, can you
even consider that at all?

Speaker 3 (03:58):
Like that's this one.

Speaker 1 (04:00):
I'm a little I'm a.

Speaker 2 (04:01):
Little surprised by you, Kiki, because you are a strong,
independent type a woman period. And I know, and I'm
not I'm not trying to pin you on this, but
I know that you believe that a woman or a
man has the right to change their mind about things.

Speaker 3 (04:14):
I absolutely believe that.

Speaker 5 (04:15):
But as I'm mature, Okay, I'm a little bit more
mature since firm.

Speaker 1 (04:19):
When did that happen? I was going to say it
was the weekend. Interesting, I can kind of see it.
I can sort of see it, except for your viewpoint
on this.

Speaker 3 (04:29):
Seriously, Like it's not a lie.

Speaker 5 (04:31):
He's not asking for the world like in there, there's
a way that you can hyphenate your name and still
honor your father, still keep your name. You don't have
to go change your business cards. But if he wants
to say this is missus so and so, like, why
not do that for your partner?

Speaker 1 (04:44):
Is that an option? Would you hyphenate?

Speaker 3 (04:48):
I would consider hyphenating.

Speaker 4 (04:50):
It's just I want to carry my dad's name, like
he basically came to the US with nothing and gave
me everything that I feel like that's how I can
honor my dad. So there's a way for me to
hyphenate but still use my dad's name my name.

Speaker 1 (05:06):
Then I would consider that.

Speaker 6 (05:09):
Yeah, yeah, you were asking her kind of like what's changed,
right Fred? You were saying, you know, you agree to it.

Speaker 2 (05:13):
I was just curious, Yeah, why was it a good
idea before and not a good idea?

Speaker 6 (05:16):
I think it could be a form of I don't
want to call it cold feet because I don't think
it's the same thing. But I think when you're about
to make that change, I can see how you do.

Speaker 3 (05:24):
You do switch up and you change your mind. I
did that.

Speaker 6 (05:26):
I was standing in the Las Vegas Courthouse, and I said,
I don't want to change it, and my husband said,
I wish we talked about this prior, because we're standing
in front of this person. We got to sign this paperwork,
and now we're over here debating about a last name.
He had every right to feel that way, and I
did sign the paperwork as his last name.

Speaker 3 (05:43):
The thing is, I never went to go change it,
and I chose not to.

Speaker 6 (05:47):
Yeah, I chose not to because I was like, I
just don't want to go through the hassle of it.

Speaker 3 (05:50):
I really don't. It's not a hassle. He's not a hassle.

Speaker 6 (05:53):
It's just I didn't want to refeels laughing because I
know that's what he wants his wife to do.

Speaker 3 (05:56):
I know women have to be the ones to do it.
That's another question.

Speaker 7 (05:59):
Why so I never I never said I never. I
was never like, all right, you're taking my last name.
It's just the fact that Jess says it's it's too hard.
There's so much things to do.

Speaker 1 (06:09):
I'm like there is. I'm like, it's is it that hard?

Speaker 7 (06:12):
Like, yeah, you get new numbers, you get new credit cards,
you get but it's like, so it's not worth it though,
like like it's been we've been married for seven years.

Speaker 1 (06:21):
She still has her last name. I could see if
I had kids some uniformity.

Speaker 2 (06:25):
And I also and by the way, Jenny, I'm gonna
take some phone calls on this, so have your radio one.

Speaker 1 (06:29):
But thank you.

Speaker 2 (06:29):
Well, now we're gonna talk about you behind your back.
It's our favorite part. So thank you.

Speaker 1 (06:32):
Have a good day.

Speaker 2 (06:33):
Okay, thanks eight five five, five nine one one three five.

Speaker 1 (06:37):
You can call it text the same number.

Speaker 2 (06:38):
I think I would not have any issue if if
I married somebody who didn't want to take my name
for whatever reason, especially if it was reasons like this.
She was proud of her own name for some reason.
But I have to say that because the Frederick name
only lives on with me at this point, because my
sister is she took her husband's name, and her kids
have there's no Frederick involved, and they're also girls, and

(07:01):
so I don't really know what happens with that. But
if I ever were to have a kid, it would
be important to me for the child to have my name, simply,
especially if it were a boy, simply because that's the
only the Frederick name, at least as it pertains to me,
dies with me, and it has meaning because it was
not my birth last name. It was the name that
my mom got from my sister and me when she

(07:23):
got divorced. We all took her maiden name, which is
pretty rare, that's not often granted, and it was in
this case. So my last name actually changed in fourth grade,
which is where the Fred nickname came from, because I
come to school and I have a new last name,
and everyone called me Fred. They were making fun of me.
And then you've heard the story before, then you can

(07:43):
be telling you haven't. It's one of my ten stories.
And my grandfather picked me it from school because it
was his last name and he didn't have sons, so
I was his son. He had three daughters. And I
was upset and I said, they were making fun of me.
They call me Fred. And to this Dad do not
know if it's true, but he said, well, that was
my nickname. His nickname was Fritz. I never heard Fred.
I think he lied. I think he's a liar. But

(08:04):
my grandfather lied to me. But nonetheless, that immediately became
I embraced it and immediately became my nickname. And there
you have it. So it would be important for me.
I think if ever someone were unlucky enough to be
impregnated by me to then have to you know that
that would be important.

Speaker 1 (08:20):
But otherwise I don't care.

Speaker 7 (08:21):
Yeah, I'll also say that when it's very when we
go places, like, we get certain looks.

Speaker 1 (08:28):
You know what I'm saying, like what is your relate?

Speaker 7 (08:31):
Like I'll say my last name, and they'll be like,
what's your name, and then she'll say her last name.
So like and we got two kids. I'm like, it
does but even at school. Even at school, like she's
listed as one parent under her last name. I was like,
are we And then I'm the one that comes to
pick the kids up and takes them off.

Speaker 1 (08:48):
Like are we together? Are we not together? It's a
very weird look, but like to me, that's how it looks.
We go to the doctor, we got two different names.

Speaker 7 (08:57):
Our kids have my last name, so it's like a
weird I get this weird vibe every time he goes somewhere.
We got to give our names. I'm like, uh yeah,
but like we're wearing rings. I'm like, it's so it's
so confusing. I feel like it's so confusing to people
sometimes if he could be disappointed and his feelings can
be heard. But if this is the biggest problem that
they have, that she changed her mind about her own identity,
I don't know how far I would push that again.

(09:20):
If everything else is functioning and great, we're talking about
something that she has to do. She has to change
her name, she has to go to the court and
get her you know whatever, all of her paperwork changed
and credit credited for a credit cards and bank account.
She has to do all that, not to mention the
fact that it's I would imagine it's it's somewhat of
a psychological shift too, especially if you believe that you're

(09:42):
honoring a parent or a family member that you love.

Speaker 1 (09:45):
I don't like that.

Speaker 7 (09:46):
I don't like that idea of her like, oh, it's
my dad's last name, I'm honoring my dad.

Speaker 1 (09:51):
I'm like, but you are.

Speaker 7 (09:53):
This is your family now, This is who you married,
if you have kids, like you are, this is your
unit now, Like this is your fan. Yes, your deb's
your dad, but he's not going to be around forever,
you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (10:04):
So I'm gonna say WHOA.

Speaker 2 (10:08):
I guess I'm somebody I pick and she's the trends
or not the trends, the traditions I think that I honor.
For example, I don't care about this. Sure it would
be nice, but I don't care my mom hyphenated her
last name.

Speaker 1 (10:19):
It it's fine.

Speaker 3 (10:21):
I mean, if we want to talk about the history
of like why.

Speaker 1 (10:24):
Yeah, but like another but yes.

Speaker 2 (10:27):
What I was going to say is I still believe
that someday I will ask a woman's father for quote unquote,
not permission, but blessing. And there are people, I mean,
we've done this topic over the years and people who
have been on this show have been like, that is insane,
that's ridiculous, it's antiquated as property, all this bs And
I'm like, no, it's respect, it's respect like this. This

(10:48):
woman is one of the most you created it. Hopefully
you guys have a great relationship. It's one of the
most important things, if not the most important thing in
your life. The least I can do is take the
time to look you in the eye and tell you
what I know the promises that.

Speaker 1 (11:02):
I intend to uphold. That's the least I can do.

Speaker 3 (11:06):
Yeah, because I like that one.

Speaker 2 (11:07):
It has nothing to do with property, nothing. It's simply
like I would be upset if I found out that
Polly or May my nieces got it. I would have
been upset if Amanda had gotten engaged and Colin didn't
take the time to ask any of us. And by
the way, we can say no and he can still
do it because it's up to her. But he not
only asked my dad, but he asked me, and my
sister told him that he had to, that we both

(11:29):
had to, you know, and my dad actually kind of
told him no the first time. My Dad's like, I
don't know about this. He knew.

Speaker 1 (11:37):
My dad is so savage for that.

Speaker 5 (11:39):
Colin knew that it was important to Amanda to get
your approval, right, He did it because he loved her
so kind of in this case, like it's okay to
have your independence and feel how you feel, but you
can't take your partner's feelings into consideration, like it's bothering him,
you know.

Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it makes sense. I remember what I
said to him. I think I said because he asked
as my dad and then he asked me. We were all
in New York on for I think it was her
birthday for a trip, and so he asked us on
the same day, and I knew that he had asked
dad and that Dad was shook. And then he came
to me and he was like, your dad kind of
said no, what do you think? And I go no, no, no, no.

(12:15):
He said what do you think? And I said, what
did my dad say? He was kind of no, And
I was like, well, you might want to work on
that answer the.

Speaker 7 (12:26):
Time.

Speaker 2 (12:27):
But obviously we, you know, have come a long long way.
But Brittany, Hi, how are you Hi?

Speaker 8 (12:33):
Good warning her?

Speaker 1 (12:33):
Are you very well? Thanks for calling? So stare go.

Speaker 2 (12:36):
This woman is having an issue in her relationship because
her husband, they're married, and they have a great relationship
by her own admission, but she had agreed to take
his last name, and then now that they're married and whatever,
does not want to for I think pretty good reasons.

Speaker 1 (12:48):
What do you think?

Speaker 8 (12:50):
Yeah? So, I mean, I see both sides that you're
really so mad at me. I agree with Rufio, have a.

Speaker 1 (12:57):
Good day I talk.

Speaker 8 (13:04):
So, like I said, I see both sides, I totally do.
But like he said, this is her family now she
needs to take her husband's kneelings into considerations. Obviously it's
really important to him. I mean I get that it's
important to her too, for like her law firm and stuff,
But I mean, she could just hypenate it and then
she really doesn't have to change much like her name
within her law firm, you know, like I get that
or like for whatever reasons, but like, I mean, she

(13:26):
could at least like compromise with him and like hypenate it.
Like I don't understand what's so bad about that.

Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yeah, no, I think you're right, Thank you, Brittany. I
think it's a good compromise, and she seemed maybe open
to that.

Speaker 1 (13:36):
Have a good day, Thank you too.

Speaker 2 (13:39):
I think this actually happened in my life too, because
you know, if you don't, we've talked about it a
million times. But when I turned eighteen, I was adopted
by the man who raised me, who is not my
birth father, and I think he probably would have liked
it had I taken his last name as my last name,
which I was not opposed to. His last name is
my middle name because I didn't have a middle name.

(14:01):
But I was not going to give up Frederick for
the reasons I've already said. It was too important to
my mom to have. Because again I don't know if
you Hopefully a lot of people listening have not been divorced.
But it's not real common when when the male and
the female figure are fighting for, you know, whatever they
can get in a divorce, it's not super common for
the female to win that one. And we did, plus

(14:23):
my grandfather and everything else. So I don't think my
dad's upset with me because his name is part of
my name, but I'm sure he would have liked it
because I'm his son. And then my sister went and
threw both of them boys somewhere. Hey, Rachel, that went
overwhelm Rachel. Hi, how you doing O great?

Speaker 1 (14:42):
My poor sister takes the brunt of no one.

Speaker 2 (14:45):
No one in the world can complain about not having
a say except for my sister. That woman. And by
the way, she has the phone over she can call
up here anytimes. She just doesn't listen, which is probably
good for her mental health. What did you want to say?

Speaker 9 (14:58):
I'm gonna fix everything right here.

Speaker 1 (14:59):
Good.

Speaker 9 (15:00):
I'm going to tell you what, thank you. I'm going
to tell you what my mom does.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
I think it's genius. She continues to.

Speaker 9 (15:06):
Practice her real estate business under her maid's name, so
that's what she used to advertise. That's what she uses
for all like business and professional purposes. But legally she
has changed her last name to her husband's name. So
for all personal reasons, personal mail, you know, to close
press and stuff, she uses my dad's name. And I

(15:27):
think that that is the perfect middle ground here, because
then you're, you know, Jenny's still able to honor her
dad with his last name, like carrying on the lawyer's profession.
But also she can still take her husband's name and
make him happy.

Speaker 2 (15:41):
I agree with you some form of compromise here, but
he's going to have to accept that otherwise I don't
think he's getting anything.

Speaker 7 (15:47):
I don't think she's going to do it. What what if?
When do they have kids?

Speaker 1 (15:52):
Listening? So many? Erica had that play Rachel, thank you
have a good day.

Speaker 6 (15:55):
Okay, they have kids going to take what would they pick?

Speaker 3 (15:59):
I picked my daughter to have her dad's last name.

Speaker 1 (16:01):
Okay, but she wants to honor her dad. Well, if
they have a boy that.

Speaker 3 (16:04):
Doesn't like, that's that's their family. That's the baby. That's
not dad's baby. You don't know that that's father's baby.
That's her husband's baby.

Speaker 7 (16:12):
Yeah, but she could have the same last name as
her mom. The baby could have the same last name
as her mom. What they want, That's what I'm saying.
But that's different. That's a child you're saying. You're saying
that the child defers to the father.

Speaker 3 (16:22):
Like, yeah, I would believe.

Speaker 6 (16:23):
So if I have a baby, I do she has
her father's last name, I'll give baby.

Speaker 1 (16:30):
Yeah, yeah, is this kid right here?

Speaker 3 (16:32):
I don't think you guys knew, but I have a baby.

Speaker 7 (16:36):
But a lot of times they differ because of insurance
reasons or whatever. You know what I'm saying, that's whore
the insurance is under Like, like, I have the insurance,
so obviously the kids have my last name. But but
like if they if they can't decide on their last
names as a couple when they have a kid, and
if it happens to be a boy, and she's like, oh,
let's honor my dad by giving them my last name.

Speaker 3 (16:56):
And now we're like talking different stories.

Speaker 6 (16:58):
I'm just saying, I know, I think at the end
of the day, you got to give the kid the
dad's last name for insurance reasons.

Speaker 3 (17:03):
Also, that's half of the dad, Like, that's dad's baby.

Speaker 1 (17:07):
I would still argue.

Speaker 2 (17:08):
I mean, yes, I would like that, but I would
still argue this is all up to the comfort level
of both parents. I would I would say that's there,
but I agree that that would be nice, especially if
I had a son. But I don't know that. I
don't know anything should be considered automatic anymore.

Speaker 3 (17:22):
Baby like, h Well.

Speaker 1 (17:24):
Yeah, I get you, Erica.

Speaker 2 (17:25):
Hi, So you're saying she should take his last name
because of the kids.

Speaker 10 (17:31):
Yes, I kind of agree with what Rachel was saying.
Oh wait, sorry, Hi, you can hear me?

Speaker 1 (17:36):
Right? Oh yeah, no, very much?

Speaker 9 (17:37):
Ye?

Speaker 1 (17:37):
Hi, how you doing loud and clear? Hi?

Speaker 10 (17:41):
Sorry? I agree with what Rachel was saying about taking
it or having things under her name for business purposes.
So a little bit of a backstory is that my
husband was not really a fan of his family, so
we really considered taking my last name when we married
for our family. However, he ended up keeping his name.

(18:05):
I kept mine, and when I had my daughter, we
realized that it was very hard with her name being
the same last name as his and mine being different.
So kind of like she said, for kind of like
you guys mentioned for insurance purposes, for pickup at school,
things like that. So eventually I had to change my name,

(18:27):
and it was my choice, and I was very connected
to my family and my family's history. But that still
is a part of me. And if she wants to
keep her name on things for business purposes or hyphenate,
she she should. But one of the one of the
things I've discovered after having my husband's last name with

(18:49):
my daughter and us having the same last name, is
that it's not necessarily taking his last name, but it's
having you all as a family as a unit.

Speaker 1 (19:01):
Okay, all right, and.

Speaker 10 (19:02):
So yeah, so now we're all our family with our
last name.

Speaker 1 (19:07):
If that are Erica, well, thank you, have a good day.

Speaker 3 (19:12):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (19:12):
Let's also address one for the thing that has not
been addressing. What is this last name that she's that
she's taking. What is this last name?

Speaker 3 (19:21):
Is it a better last name? Is it a worse
last name?

Speaker 1 (19:25):
Right?

Speaker 4 (19:25):
You know?

Speaker 3 (19:26):
Is it longer harder to spell?

Speaker 1 (19:29):
I mean, I mean that changes what the initials turn
off all the information.

Speaker 4 (19:37):
I also would like to point out that divorced parents
do it all the time with two different last names,
and the kids are okay.

Speaker 1 (19:43):
The last name is one of the last name is Mayas.

Speaker 5 (19:46):
Look at this point, I take you the girl just
just you know, what you're doing.

Speaker 3 (19:53):
A reservation is just put missus you know, missus Jones.

Speaker 5 (19:56):
Just make her feel good. You ain't got to change
the paperwork, just put it down there.

Speaker 2 (19:59):
Girls just make it look nice, but don't actually fundamentally
change of thing. Yeah, I need to hear all the information.
It's a few things I don't know. A missiles for it.
It's gonna be like a Z e Z.

Speaker 3 (20:11):
It's not good.

Speaker 1 (20:12):
Fred Show