November 17, 2023 • 26 mins
As stressful as life can get, we all look forward to the holidays.
It is the time of the year where we can unwind, reconnect with family, and look forward to the new year.
But if you're too stressed about work and life in general, there's a high chance you'll carry over that energy over the holidays.
If you're looking for ways to release stress and lighten your mood, then this episode can help you.
The holiday season - it's a that can be both joyful and stressful. Jay shares invaluable insights on acknowledging and managing stress, anxiety, and the feeling of overwhelm during this festive period.
As the holidays approach, let's break down the top four sources of stress, providing practical tips to tackle each one. From learning to say no without guilt to taking all your time off, he emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries to protect your mental well-being.
Let Jay guide you through ten actionable strategies for a more mindful and enjoyable holiday experience. From incorporating healthy meals between events to budgeting and planning ahead, these tips are not just for surviving but thriving during the festive season.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to deal with stress and anxiety
How to prepare for the holiday season
How to change your mindset about stress
How to fully enjoy the holiday festivities
This episode is your go-to guide for creating a holiday season filled with joy, peace, and self-care. Together, let's approach the holidays with a clear mind and a grateful heart. Tune in to make this season truly special.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
02:59 Learn to Acknowledge Stress, Anxiety, and the Feeling of Overwhelm
04:45 The Top Four Sources of Stress Around the Holidays
07:02 #1: You’re Allowed to Say No
10:46 #2: Take All Your Time Off
14:47 #3: In Between Events, Add Some Healthy Meals
17:44 #4: Expecting Triggers is Better than Hoping They Won’t Happen
19:38 #5: Allow Yourself to Switch Off and Do What You Want to Do
21:14 #6: Check in Advance and Make a Budget
22:10 #7: Be Clear with People About What You Want
23:53 #8: Look at Your Calendar and Plan Ahead
24:30 #9: Make Time to Reflect This Year
25:19 #10: Don’t Abandon Therapy and Meditation
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode is brought to you by Masterclass, and I've
got some exciting news this month. My masterclass on Navigating
Change is live on the Masterclass platform. Go to masterclass
dot com forward slash navigate change to tune in now.
I think we often feel that no has to be
felt like a door slamming in your face or someone
(00:23):
face palming you. Right. We almost imagine a no to
feel like rejection. And I think that when we decline
an invitation, it doesn't have to feel like a closed door.
It can feel like a gentle communication, a gentle knights
to say, Hey, Olive, loved this, Thank you so much.
I am so grateful. I appreciate it so much, but
(00:43):
I won't be able to make it. Hey, everyone, welcome
back to on Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning in,
checking in with yourself, whether you're walking your dog, you're cooking,
whether you're driving, whether you're training at the gym, right now,
(01:04):
wherever you are, thank you so much for being here.
Thank you for trusting me. I am so happy that
I get to connect with you at these really important
times in your life. I think that right now, with
the holidays around the corner, it's natural for anxiety and
stress to be high. It's a heavy time because you're
(01:28):
meeting family, maybe family that triggers you, maybe family that
causes you stress. Maybe it's stressful because you're worried about
your finances. It might have been a difficult year money wise,
and it's getting to that time of year where you're
trying to make important choices for this year and next year.
(01:49):
Maybe you lost someone during this time of year a
few years back, and whenever it swings around to the holidays,
you're reminded of how special those times used to be
and you're struggling to find that new normal. Or maybe
the stress and anxiety exists because you've got to go
to so many parties, You've got to talk to so
many people. You've got to show up to your work party,
(02:11):
your friend's party, your family's party. There's so much going on.
If you're feeling stressed right now, I want you to
know that's okay and it's normal. If you're feeling anxious
right now, I want you to know it's okay and
it's normal. And if you're feeling overwhelmed right now, I
(02:33):
want you to know it's okay and it's normal. I
think when we don't acknowledge our stress. When we don't
acknowledge our anxiety, when we don't acknowledge our overwhelm, it
actually just grows. It actually gets worse, and it actually
feels like it increases, because it's almost like trying to
(02:54):
avoid something that you know is there, and all it's
trying to do is get your attention. Your stress, your
anxiety is simply trying to get your acknowledgment, your recognition,
and your validation. It's trying to say, look, I'm here,
don't ignore me. I'm trying to warn you I feel
a certain way. And the more we try to avoid it,
(03:16):
the more we try to pigeonhole it or get it
stuck in a box, the more it has to shout
and scream and knock for our attention. So the best
thing you can do for your stress is be aware
of it, and the worst thing you can do for
your stress is try to avoid it. Remember that the
best thing you can do for your stress is to
(03:38):
be aware of it, to acknowledge it, and the worst
thing you can do for your stress is to avoid
it or try to pretend that it doesn't exist in
the first place. Now, as I mentioned before, there are
so many reasons for us to feel stressed. And I
looked at a study that said that sixty six percent
of people feel they feel more stress during the holiday season.
(04:02):
And what's causing all this stress? The top sources financial
factors ranked highest at twenty eight percent. Family gatherings was
next at twenty one percent, traveling and planning was eighteen percent,
and disrupted routines was next at eighteen percent. So the
top four sources of stress we experienced around the holidays
(04:25):
were financial, family, travel and planning, and disrupted routines. And
I'm sure that you can relate to at least one
of these or a couple of these that may feel
really real for you. And I think it's even harder
because we look at the holiday period as a time
to celebrate, as a time to relax, as a time
to enjoy, is a time to be with family, as
(04:47):
a time to rejuvenate. Right, It's meant to be a
positive time. And when something's meant to be positive and
it isn't, it almost feels worse than if you expected
it to be not positive. Right, Does that make sense?
It's almost like if you're going to a comedy show,
you expect it to be funny, and if it isn't funny,
(05:07):
you're like, wait a minute, I wanted to laugh, Like
I came here to laugh, I came here to let loose,
I came here to be silly. I came here to
be entertained. But it isn't that. Whereas if you go
for a night out, if it ends up being funny
and you didn't plan on it, it's a bonus. That's
kind of what the holidays are like. We go out
there expecting to feel loved, to feel cared for, to
(05:29):
feel connected, to experience kindness, to be in a safe space,
and we often walk away feeling more triggered, more misaligned,
more disconnected from people we're supposed to love, from people
were supposed to be close to. And I think a
lot of our stress is around this idea of what
the holidays are supposed to be, what the holidays are
(05:51):
meant to be. And so as I walk you through
these pieces of advice, I want you to recognize that
we need to reframe our mind to the holidays. We
need to not have the expectation that this is going
to be the best time, that everything's going to be perfect,
and we also don't want to anticipate things and not
prepare for them. Often we know things are going to
(06:12):
be difficult or stressful, but we're not prepared in advance.
So I'm hoping that this episode gets you ready. So
the first one is remembering you're allowed to say no.
One of the points that came out is this disrupted routine.
And I think around the holidays, we feel the pressure
(06:32):
to have to say yes to every party and every event,
and I think we have to remember that it's okay
to say no. You don't need anyone's permission, you don't
need to check in with anyone else. If you don't
feel like going, it's okay. And I think what a
lot of people do is we think that we know that,
(06:52):
but we wait till the last minute. So what we
do is the RSVP comes, we know we don't want
to go, but we feel bad in the moment, So
what we do is we say yes, I'm attending. And
then as it gets closer and closer and closer, we're
now spending every day getting more and more stressed thinking
how do I get out of this party? How do
(07:13):
I say no? And as it gets closer, it gets harder.
We see the person maybe posting saying they're preparing. Maybe
they sent a text saying hey, this is what everyone
can bring, Right, you start to get closer and you think, wow,
I'm going to let them down even more now. And
then it comes to the moment just before the party
and you either force yourself to go or you guilt
(07:33):
trip yourself when you've sent the message saying you can't go,
and now you feel bad about it, and now you're
trying to make it up to the person, and now
you're overdoing it on the next event of party. How
many of you can relate to that, right, and so
many of us can relate to that, And that's why
it's so important to be okay with saying no, with
the beautiful explanation ahead of time. I really believe that
(07:54):
it's not about your answer, and it's more about the
affection with which it's delivered. I'm not able to go
to some of my friend's holiday parties either because I'm
traveling or I've got work, and I've clearly communicated to
them from the moment I got the invite saying, hey,
you know what, I would have loved to be here.
I know you put so much energy and effort. I'm
(08:15):
so grateful to be invited, but this is what's going on,
and I'm so sorry I can't be there. And I
find that having a genuine open communication elite lets you
feel better about yourself, but also lets the other person
know that you value them. I think we often feel
that no has to be felt like a door slamming
(08:38):
in your face or someone face palming you, right. We
almost imagine a no to feel like rejection. And I
think that when we decline an invitation, it doesn't have
to feel like a closed door. It can feel like
a gentle communication, a gentle knights to say, hey, I
would have loved this, thank you so much. I am
(08:58):
so grateful, appreciate it so much, but I won't be
able to make it. And I think I want to
remind you that please do this earlier, because the closer
it gets, you're just carrying that stress for longer, and
the more stress you carry for longer. Even if you
do end up getting the courage to say no, you
at the end of it feel bad for saying no,
and then it kind of starts the spiral all over again.
(09:22):
So remember it's okay to say no and it's okay
to prioritize the events and the parties that matter to
you the most and not feel pressured to go to
the ones that don't. And I think when we do
things out of pressure, we actually end up disliking ourselves
and the person more. Right. We often think like, oh,
(09:43):
if I say yes now, then it will all be
okay and everyone will be happy with me. But guess
what you said. Yes, the person didn't notice you much
at the party, or they were busy they were hosting.
And now you go back thinking, oh, they wouldn't even
have cared if I wasn't there, And it's like, yeah,
maybe they wouldn't have And why did you put that
pressure on yourself? So that's point number one. Now number
(10:04):
two this is a huge one. When we know we
have time off, we almost assume that it's enough. But
the truth is, and this blows my mind, more than
four in ten US workers don't take all their paid
time off, not unpaid paid time off. When workers who
(10:25):
don't take all their time off or asked why, some
reasons are more common than others, says Pew research. About
half of those who don't take all their time off
say they don't feel they need to take more a
similar share, forty nine percent say they'd worry about falling
behind that work if they took more time off, and
forty three percent of workers who don't take all their
(10:47):
time off say they'd feel badly about their co workers
taking on additional work. Now, notice how all of those
are really beautiful and noble thoughts. But here's the reality.
When you don't take time off, you don't get time
to refuel. If you don't take time to refuel, you're
actually doing less at work, even though you're spending more
time at work. Now, when you feel burnt out or exhausted,
(11:11):
or feel like you've been on for work for a
long period of time, guess what, it negatively impacts your
relationships with your co workers. So all the things that
you're trying to get right, all of a sudden, you're
actually making mistakes on all of those things. So it's
so important and healthy around the holidays, especially at a
(11:31):
time when everyone's switching off, especially at a time if
you can taking a bit more time off to say,
you know what, this is the time I'm going to
use to refuel. This is the time I'm going to
use to feel better. Often the stress and anxiety comes
from the fact that all of our time off are
spent at the events, all of our time off is
spent with other people, and then we go back from
(11:52):
the holidays feeling like we didn't get time to rejuvenate.
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I think it's so important to set aside some time
(13:40):
to really enjoy and appreciate this moment, to not put
so much pressure on yourself around this time, to say,
all right, I've got Christmas. Families I've got this event
at this person's and then I'll be back at work
and not feel like you've really got to decompress. Please
take some time off, Please prioritize time off during this
(14:03):
period of the year. Number three. This is a really
tough one during the holidays, but hear me out. So
research shows that, of course, the holidays are a time
where we like to overindulge. The firstive time of year
is known for an abundance of food and drink. We
know that, says this study. Most holiday parties obviously are
(14:25):
filled with high calorie foods and alcohol, and the overwhelming
majority seventy nine percent of respondents said that they follow
a less strict diet during the holidays, and most people
reported that they eat more sweets and dessert at this time.
Twenty six percent reported an increase in sweets and desserts.
(14:46):
And I think all of us, including me, I'm in
this boat, right, I am in this boat and let loose,
I let go. What does that do? It drops my immunity.
It makes me feel more unwell now, especially as someone
who grew up in London. The weather's not always great either,
So if you live in a cold climate, the weather
adds to all of this. Now you're feeling more run
down at the end of the year, you carry that
(15:08):
into the beginning of the new year, and now you're
recovering from that. Now. I'm not saying I don't want
you to eat what you want to eat and have fun.
Of course, I want you to have the best time.
But I do think that it's important in between the
events to add some healthy meals and some healthy habits.
For me, one of my favorite things to do is
making sure that I'm taking a pack of Vitamin C
(15:29):
every single day. I take the one that has the
pulp in it. You literally almost like drink, slash, eat it.
I feel so much better. It is saved me from
getting ill so many times. I remember I had just
finished my press tour, so check this out. When my
book came out this year, Eight Rules of Love, I
went from I did press in New York for over
(15:51):
three days. It was stacked from literally seven am to
nine pm. We did everything from Good Morning America to
CBS through to so what else do we do? We
did The Colbert Show in the evenings, We did a
ton of podcasts, like there was so much stuff. Then
I flew to London, did a week of press in
London all the TV shows and podcasts, then flowed to
(16:11):
India for thirty six hours, did a photo shoot for
Vogue with my wife, then flew back to la and
did more press there. Then I had five days before
I left for my World tour. That's a crazy schedule,
and I'll be honest with you. In those five days,
while I was rehearsing for my World tour, I was
so certain that I was going to get sick. And
(16:32):
every day, thanks to my amazing, amazing chief of staff, Jordan,
I took these vitamin C packs and they saved me
from getting sick, and it was amazing that I didn't
fall sick during that time. So again I'm not saying
I don't want you to have fun, but I want
you to find a way to have some healthy habits.
Having your vitamin D, vitamin C B twelve, if you're
taking a basic multivitamin, it's so important, especially during this time,
(16:56):
and if you can have some healthy meals in between,
it will make a huge difference. Now, Habit number four,
This one is really important because I feel that, as
we heard, family triggers in family conflict is a big one.
Maybe you're seeing a family member that you know from
your childhood has been someone who triggers you. Maybe you're
(17:18):
going to see someone who you know you have different political,
religious views from. Maybe you see someone who always likes
to point out that your career isn't going in the
right direction according to them. You meet someone who doesn't
like your partner. Maybe you are the partner that your
in laws don't like, right like, There's so many ways
family can be triggering, and I've experienced this before as well,
(17:40):
and for me, it's always been to remind myself that
I know who's going to be triggering. I prepare knowing
that I'm going to deal with that. I'm going to
sit and smile, and I'm going to try and spend
time with someone else. I recognize that I can't fight
this person, I can't debate them. I don't want to
waste my energy trying to convince them otherwise. And I'm
(18:00):
going to expect it to happen. Rather than hoping that
it won't happen. I'm going to expect that it will
happen so that I'm not surprised, so that I'm not
caught off guard, and so that I can actually enjoy
myself by saying this is expected, this is likely. It's
almost like saying you know, traffic's going to be there. Right.
If you're going on a road trip and you don't
(18:22):
predict the traffic and suddenly you hit a traffic jam,
you're like, well, why is this happening right now? Whereas
if you say, you know what, I know there's going
to be traffic. But I'm going to take along my
favorite playlist. I'm going to take along a bunch of
games for the car. I'm going to listen to my
favorite podcast, Thank You So Much. Right, Like, the idea
is saying, I know this family member is going to
trigger me, I'm going to ignore them. I love talking
(18:43):
to this family member. I'm going to make sure I
take games. I'm going to make sure that I take
a book. I'm going to make sure that whatever it is, right,
whatever works for you. The point is expecting triggers is
better than hoping they won't happen. Tip Number five. During
the holidays, one of the things that I think we
don't reckon that stresses us during the holidays is that
we often start doing what everyone else wants us to do.
(19:05):
How many of you go to events just because someone
else wants you to do it. How many of you
want to go to holiday parties just because someone else
wants you to go to it. How many of you
get into the festive spirit because someone else wants you
to get into it. Now, I'm someone who loves holiday music,
I love holiday decoration. I'm a holiday person. I love
holiday movies. I love all of it right, But not
everyone feels that way. And what I find is that
(19:28):
I have to do what I truly want, and everyone
else has to do what they truly want. So if
I want to do a Harry Potter marathon with my sister,
which is something we do every year, I'm going to
do that no matter what, because the holidays are a
time for you. It's rare to have that much time
off when the whole world switches off at the same time.
And I want you to think about that for a second.
It's one of the few times in the world when
(19:51):
most people in the world are able to switch off,
and therefore allowing yourself to switch off and do what
you true want. If you want a party, if you
want to have certain experiences, if you don't want to
do any of it. If you want to focus on
things at home, whatever it may be. This is your
reminder to say, make sure you do what you want
(20:13):
to do, not what you feel pressure to do, not
what you think you have to do, not what you
think you should do, but what you truly, truly want
to do, and don't sacrifice for that. Don't settle off
for any less than that, because this is the one
time of year when you can truly do it. Now.
This one is a tough one, but I have to
(20:34):
make a point of it because of the finances being
such a big thing. Make a budget. Please don't go
into it. I know sometimes right like, the reason why
we don't make budgets is because we'd rather not know.
But the problem is at one point we inevitably end
up checking. And then when we end up checking, we go, oh, no,
I wish I checked ahead of time. And so here's
(20:55):
what I'm going to say to you. Check in advance,
right like, check in advance, set a budget, write a
list of all your gifts. I promise you you will
not regret it in the future, as opposed to overspending
and then looking back and thinking I should have done that,
or sometimes underspending and thinking, oh, I wish I got
them a better gift. I wish we did more for them,
(21:17):
And so I think so many of us don't set
a budget. I'm going to say, make a budget right
now for all your holiday gifts, for all your holiday decor,
so that you don't give yourself a hard time later
on Number seven. If you're like me and you love
gifts and you love presents, make sure you're clear with
people about what you want. I think expectations are really
tough during the holidays. You unwrap that gift. Do you
(21:39):
remember that scene in Love Actually, Oh, I love it
where the guy who plays Snape Alan Rickman rest in
peace phenomenal, you know, wonderful talent. Alan Rickman goes to
buy a heart shaped necklace for this girl at work
he's flirting with, not for his wife, and then he
(21:59):
ends up going to mister Bean, and mister Bean takes
too long to pack his gift. I've felt like that
so many times when I've got to get a gift
and then his wife spots that he bought that, but
then she doesn't get it. Now I've just realized that
this doesn't apply to my point. But I'm glad I
told that story anyway, But what I was trying to
say is that if you want something, make sure someone
knows his wife. Unfortunately, in that situation was being kind
(22:22):
of cheated on, so I don't think that that would
have mattered in her case. But if you're expecting your
partner to guess your mind, read your brain, and know
what you want for Christmas, please don't do that. Allow
them the opportunity to plan, to prepare by letting them know.
I think a lot of us open gifts. We get
(22:42):
something that we didn't want, we get something that we
feel wasn't good enough, whatever it may be. Be clear
about your wishes. I think you know if you grew
up believing that Santa Claus was going to deliver your
perfect gift and your parents read your mind. It's easy
to expect that from a partner. It's easy to expect
that from a loved one. But as we get older,
it becomes harder and harder for our minds to be read,
(23:04):
and it becomes harder and harder for someone to deliver
on that. So it's a simple one, but please make
someone know your wishes. Number eight. I think a lot
of the times during the holidays, everyone says just be present,
and I think there's an issue with this advice because
I also think we need to plan ahead. I think
we need to plan ahead and say, Okay, how many
parties am I going to? Am I going to be
(23:25):
tired on Saturday night? Do I really want to do
that on Sunday? I would say, actually, look at your
calendar and plan ahead. You can be present and be
really frustrated with your presence because you didn't plan for it.
So there is a part of us that needs to
think about the future. But we need to think about
the future right now, like right now, and so plan ahead,
looking at your calendar and making sure you get it
(23:47):
right and now Number nine is the opposite. Make time
to reflect this year. I'm going to be doing an
episode at the end of the year helping you reflect
on your greatest lessons, your greatest goals for next year,
your aspirations, the learn things the meaning from this year.
But make time to reflect. I find that the holidays
can be stressful because we didn't plan on reflecting. And
(24:08):
here's my favorite way of reflecting. What's something I want
to add to next year to make it better? What's
something I want to subtract from next year that I
did this year to make it better. And what's one
thing I want to multiply. What's one thing I want
to double down on right, What's something that really brought
me joy this year and I want to do it
a lot more. What do I want to add to
(24:30):
next year? What do I want to subtract from next year?
And what I want to multiply. I never thought math
could be so useful. And number ten, don't abandon therapy
and meditation and whatever your self practices are. It's really
easy to abandon them, thinking this is a time where
we just have to have fun, let loose, or we're
too busy, But this is a time we often need
(24:50):
it most. So here are ten strategies to help with
your stress. I hope that they support you and wishing
you all the best. I really hope that you feel
supported during this time. And hey, not everything's going to
go to plan. People are going to say things to
annoy you and trigger you. You're going to have days
where you feel upset. But I hope that you will
(25:11):
reconnect with this episode and pass it on to reconnect
with these tensible things that can really help you. Thanks
so much for listening. I appreciate you. Look out for
some more amazing episodes during the holidays, and I can't
wait to continue finishing off twenty twenty three on a
high and I look forward to doing that with you.
Thank you so much. Mental health is now talked about
(25:43):
more than ever, which is awesome. I mean, I don't
have to tell you that it's a primary focus of
on Purpose, but on a day to day basis, many
people don't know where to turn or which tools can help.
Over the past couple of years, I've been working with
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(26:06):
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(26:27):
a subscription to Calmpremium at calm dot com. Forward slash
j do' CLM dot com forward slash Jay for forty
percent off Calm your Mind, Change your Life,
This episode is brought to you by Masterclass, and I've
got some exciting news this month. My masterclass on Navigating
Change is live on the Masterclass platform. Go to masterclass
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I think we often feel that no has to be
felt like a door slamming in your face or someone
(00:23):
face palming you. Right. We almost imagine a no to
feel like rejection. And I think that when we decline
an invitation, it doesn't have to feel like a closed door.
It can feel like a gentle communication, a gentle knights
to say, Hey, Olive, loved this, Thank you so much.
I am so grateful. I appreciate it so much, but
(00:43):
I won't be able to make it. Hey, everyone, welcome
back to on Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning in,
checking in with yourself, whether you're walking your dog, you're cooking,
whether you're driving, whether you're training at the gym, right now,
(01:04):
wherever you are, thank you so much for being here.
Thank you for trusting me. I am so happy that
I get to connect with you at these really important
times in your life. I think that right now, with
the holidays around the corner, it's natural for anxiety and
stress to be high. It's a heavy time because you're
(01:28):
meeting family, maybe family that triggers you, maybe family that
causes you stress. Maybe it's stressful because you're worried about
your finances. It might have been a difficult year money wise,
and it's getting to that time of year where you're
trying to make important choices for this year and next year.
(01:49):
Maybe you lost someone during this time of year a
few years back, and whenever it swings around to the holidays,
you're reminded of how special those times used to be
and you're struggling to find that new normal. Or maybe
the stress and anxiety exists because you've got to go
to so many parties, You've got to talk to so
many people. You've got to show up to your work party,
(02:11):
your friend's party, your family's party. There's so much going on.
If you're feeling stressed right now, I want you to
know that's okay and it's normal. If you're feeling anxious
right now, I want you to know it's okay and
it's normal. And if you're feeling overwhelmed right now, I
(02:33):
want you to know it's okay and it's normal. I
think when we don't acknowledge our stress. When we don't
acknowledge our anxiety, when we don't acknowledge our overwhelm, it
actually just grows. It actually gets worse, and it actually
feels like it increases, because it's almost like trying to
(02:54):
avoid something that you know is there, and all it's
trying to do is get your attention. Your stress, your
anxiety is simply trying to get your acknowledgment, your recognition,
and your validation. It's trying to say, look, I'm here,
don't ignore me. I'm trying to warn you I feel
a certain way. And the more we try to avoid it,
(03:16):
the more we try to pigeonhole it or get it
stuck in a box, the more it has to shout
and scream and knock for our attention. So the best
thing you can do for your stress is be aware
of it, and the worst thing you can do for
your stress is try to avoid it. Remember that the
best thing you can do for your stress is to
(03:38):
be aware of it, to acknowledge it, and the worst
thing you can do for your stress is to avoid
it or try to pretend that it doesn't exist in
the first place. Now, as I mentioned before, there are
so many reasons for us to feel stressed. And I
looked at a study that said that sixty six percent
of people feel they feel more stress during the holiday season.
(04:02):
And what's causing all this stress? The top sources financial
factors ranked highest at twenty eight percent. Family gatherings was
next at twenty one percent, traveling and planning was eighteen percent,
and disrupted routines was next at eighteen percent. So the
top four sources of stress we experienced around the holidays
(04:25):
were financial, family, travel and planning, and disrupted routines. And
I'm sure that you can relate to at least one
of these or a couple of these that may feel
really real for you. And I think it's even harder
because we look at the holiday period as a time
to celebrate, as a time to relax, as a time
to enjoy, is a time to be with family, as
(04:47):
a time to rejuvenate. Right, It's meant to be a
positive time. And when something's meant to be positive and
it isn't, it almost feels worse than if you expected
it to be not positive. Right, Does that make sense?
It's almost like if you're going to a comedy show,
you expect it to be funny, and if it isn't funny,
(05:07):
you're like, wait a minute, I wanted to laugh, Like
I came here to laugh, I came here to let loose,
I came here to be silly. I came here to
be entertained. But it isn't that. Whereas if you go
for a night out, if it ends up being funny
and you didn't plan on it, it's a bonus. That's
kind of what the holidays are like. We go out
there expecting to feel loved, to feel cared for, to
(05:29):
feel connected, to experience kindness, to be in a safe space,
and we often walk away feeling more triggered, more misaligned,
more disconnected from people we're supposed to love, from people
were supposed to be close to. And I think a
lot of our stress is around this idea of what
the holidays are supposed to be, what the holidays are
(05:51):
meant to be. And so as I walk you through
these pieces of advice, I want you to recognize that
we need to reframe our mind to the holidays. We
need to not have the expectation that this is going
to be the best time, that everything's going to be perfect,
and we also don't want to anticipate things and not
prepare for them. Often we know things are going to
(06:12):
be difficult or stressful, but we're not prepared in advance.
So I'm hoping that this episode gets you ready. So
the first one is remembering you're allowed to say no.
One of the points that came out is this disrupted routine.
And I think around the holidays, we feel the pressure
(06:32):
to have to say yes to every party and every event,
and I think we have to remember that it's okay
to say no. You don't need anyone's permission, you don't
need to check in with anyone else. If you don't
feel like going, it's okay. And I think what a
lot of people do is we think that we know that,
(06:52):
but we wait till the last minute. So what we
do is the RSVP comes, we know we don't want
to go, but we feel bad in the moment, So
what we do is we say yes, I'm attending. And
then as it gets closer and closer and closer, we're
now spending every day getting more and more stressed thinking
how do I get out of this party? How do
(07:13):
I say no? And as it gets closer, it gets harder.
We see the person maybe posting saying they're preparing. Maybe
they sent a text saying hey, this is what everyone
can bring, Right, you start to get closer and you think, wow,
I'm going to let them down even more now. And
then it comes to the moment just before the party
and you either force yourself to go or you guilt
(07:33):
trip yourself when you've sent the message saying you can't go,
and now you feel bad about it, and now you're
trying to make it up to the person, and now
you're overdoing it on the next event of party. How
many of you can relate to that, right, and so
many of us can relate to that, And that's why
it's so important to be okay with saying no, with
the beautiful explanation ahead of time. I really believe that
(07:54):
it's not about your answer, and it's more about the
affection with which it's delivered. I'm not able to go
to some of my friend's holiday parties either because I'm
traveling or I've got work, and I've clearly communicated to
them from the moment I got the invite saying, hey,
you know what, I would have loved to be here.
I know you put so much energy and effort. I'm
(08:15):
so grateful to be invited, but this is what's going on,
and I'm so sorry I can't be there. And I
find that having a genuine open communication elite lets you
feel better about yourself, but also lets the other person
know that you value them. I think we often feel
that no has to be felt like a door slamming
(08:38):
in your face or someone face palming you, right. We
almost imagine a no to feel like rejection. And I
think that when we decline an invitation, it doesn't have
to feel like a closed door. It can feel like
a gentle communication, a gentle knights to say, hey, I
would have loved this, thank you so much. I am
(08:58):
so grateful, appreciate it so much, but I won't be
able to make it. And I think I want to
remind you that please do this earlier, because the closer
it gets, you're just carrying that stress for longer, and
the more stress you carry for longer. Even if you
do end up getting the courage to say no, you
at the end of it feel bad for saying no,
and then it kind of starts the spiral all over again.
(09:22):
So remember it's okay to say no and it's okay
to prioritize the events and the parties that matter to
you the most and not feel pressured to go to
the ones that don't. And I think when we do
things out of pressure, we actually end up disliking ourselves
and the person more. Right. We often think like, oh,
(09:43):
if I say yes now, then it will all be
okay and everyone will be happy with me. But guess
what you said. Yes, the person didn't notice you much
at the party, or they were busy they were hosting.
And now you go back thinking, oh, they wouldn't even
have cared if I wasn't there, And it's like, yeah,
maybe they wouldn't have And why did you put that
pressure on yourself? So that's point number one. Now number
(10:04):
two this is a huge one. When we know we
have time off, we almost assume that it's enough. But
the truth is, and this blows my mind, more than
four in ten US workers don't take all their paid
time off, not unpaid paid time off. When workers who
(10:25):
don't take all their time off or asked why, some
reasons are more common than others, says Pew research. About
half of those who don't take all their time off
say they don't feel they need to take more a
similar share, forty nine percent say they'd worry about falling
behind that work if they took more time off, and
forty three percent of workers who don't take all their
(10:47):
time off say they'd feel badly about their co workers
taking on additional work. Now, notice how all of those
are really beautiful and noble thoughts. But here's the reality.
When you don't take time off, you don't get time
to refuel. If you don't take time to refuel, you're
actually doing less at work, even though you're spending more
time at work. Now, when you feel burnt out or exhausted,
(11:11):
or feel like you've been on for work for a
long period of time, guess what, it negatively impacts your
relationships with your co workers. So all the things that
you're trying to get right, all of a sudden, you're
actually making mistakes on all of those things. So it's
so important and healthy around the holidays, especially at a
(11:31):
time when everyone's switching off, especially at a time if
you can taking a bit more time off to say,
you know what, this is the time I'm going to
use to refuel. This is the time I'm going to
use to feel better. Often the stress and anxiety comes
from the fact that all of our time off are
spent at the events, all of our time off is
spent with other people, and then we go back from
(11:52):
the holidays feeling like we didn't get time to rejuvenate.
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I think it's so important to set aside some time
(13:40):
to really enjoy and appreciate this moment, to not put
so much pressure on yourself around this time, to say,
all right, I've got Christmas. Families I've got this event
at this person's and then I'll be back at work
and not feel like you've really got to decompress. Please
take some time off, Please prioritize time off during this
(14:03):
period of the year. Number three. This is a really
tough one during the holidays, but hear me out. So
research shows that, of course, the holidays are a time
where we like to overindulge. The firstive time of year
is known for an abundance of food and drink. We
know that, says this study. Most holiday parties obviously are
(14:25):
filled with high calorie foods and alcohol, and the overwhelming
majority seventy nine percent of respondents said that they follow
a less strict diet during the holidays, and most people
reported that they eat more sweets and dessert at this time.
Twenty six percent reported an increase in sweets and desserts.
(14:46):
And I think all of us, including me, I'm in
this boat, right, I am in this boat and let loose,
I let go. What does that do? It drops my immunity.
It makes me feel more unwell now, especially as someone
who grew up in London. The weather's not always great either,
So if you live in a cold climate, the weather
adds to all of this. Now you're feeling more run
down at the end of the year, you carry that
(15:08):
into the beginning of the new year, and now you're
recovering from that. Now. I'm not saying I don't want
you to eat what you want to eat and have fun.
Of course, I want you to have the best time.
But I do think that it's important in between the
events to add some healthy meals and some healthy habits.
For me, one of my favorite things to do is
making sure that I'm taking a pack of Vitamin C
(15:29):
every single day. I take the one that has the
pulp in it. You literally almost like drink, slash, eat it.
I feel so much better. It is saved me from
getting ill so many times. I remember I had just
finished my press tour, so check this out. When my
book came out this year, Eight Rules of Love, I
went from I did press in New York for over
(15:51):
three days. It was stacked from literally seven am to
nine pm. We did everything from Good Morning America to
CBS through to so what else do we do? We
did The Colbert Show in the evenings, We did a
ton of podcasts, like there was so much stuff. Then
I flew to London, did a week of press in
London all the TV shows and podcasts, then flowed to
(16:11):
India for thirty six hours, did a photo shoot for
Vogue with my wife, then flew back to la and
did more press there. Then I had five days before
I left for my World tour. That's a crazy schedule,
and I'll be honest with you. In those five days,
while I was rehearsing for my World tour, I was
so certain that I was going to get sick. And
(16:32):
every day, thanks to my amazing, amazing chief of staff, Jordan,
I took these vitamin C packs and they saved me
from getting sick, and it was amazing that I didn't
fall sick during that time. So again I'm not saying
I don't want you to have fun, but I want
you to find a way to have some healthy habits.
Having your vitamin D, vitamin C B twelve, if you're
taking a basic multivitamin, it's so important, especially during this time,
(16:56):
and if you can have some healthy meals in between,
it will make a huge difference. Now, Habit number four,
This one is really important because I feel that, as
we heard, family triggers in family conflict is a big one.
Maybe you're seeing a family member that you know from
your childhood has been someone who triggers you. Maybe you're
(17:18):
going to see someone who you know you have different political,
religious views from. Maybe you see someone who always likes
to point out that your career isn't going in the
right direction according to them. You meet someone who doesn't
like your partner. Maybe you are the partner that your
in laws don't like, right like, There's so many ways
family can be triggering, and I've experienced this before as well,
(17:40):
and for me, it's always been to remind myself that
I know who's going to be triggering. I prepare knowing
that I'm going to deal with that. I'm going to
sit and smile, and I'm going to try and spend
time with someone else. I recognize that I can't fight
this person, I can't debate them. I don't want to
waste my energy trying to convince them otherwise. And I'm
(18:00):
going to expect it to happen. Rather than hoping that
it won't happen. I'm going to expect that it will
happen so that I'm not surprised, so that I'm not
caught off guard, and so that I can actually enjoy
myself by saying this is expected, this is likely. It's
almost like saying you know, traffic's going to be there. Right.
If you're going on a road trip and you don't
(18:22):
predict the traffic and suddenly you hit a traffic jam,
you're like, well, why is this happening right now? Whereas
if you say, you know what, I know there's going
to be traffic. But I'm going to take along my
favorite playlist. I'm going to take along a bunch of
games for the car. I'm going to listen to my
favorite podcast, Thank You So Much. Right, Like, the idea
is saying, I know this family member is going to
trigger me, I'm going to ignore them. I love talking
(18:43):
to this family member. I'm going to make sure I
take games. I'm going to make sure that I take
a book. I'm going to make sure that whatever it is, right,
whatever works for you. The point is expecting triggers is
better than hoping they won't happen. Tip Number five. During
the holidays, one of the things that I think we
don't reckon that stresses us during the holidays is that
we often start doing what everyone else wants us to do.
(19:05):
How many of you go to events just because someone
else wants you to do it. How many of you
want to go to holiday parties just because someone else
wants you to go to it. How many of you
get into the festive spirit because someone else wants you
to get into it. Now, I'm someone who loves holiday music,
I love holiday decoration. I'm a holiday person. I love
holiday movies. I love all of it right, But not
everyone feels that way. And what I find is that
(19:28):
I have to do what I truly want, and everyone
else has to do what they truly want. So if
I want to do a Harry Potter marathon with my sister,
which is something we do every year, I'm going to
do that no matter what, because the holidays are a
time for you. It's rare to have that much time
off when the whole world switches off at the same time.
And I want you to think about that for a second.
It's one of the few times in the world when
(19:51):
most people in the world are able to switch off,
and therefore allowing yourself to switch off and do what
you true want. If you want a party, if you
want to have certain experiences, if you don't want to
do any of it. If you want to focus on
things at home, whatever it may be. This is your
reminder to say, make sure you do what you want
(20:13):
to do, not what you feel pressure to do, not
what you think you have to do, not what you
think you should do, but what you truly, truly want
to do, and don't sacrifice for that. Don't settle off
for any less than that, because this is the one
time of year when you can truly do it. Now.
This one is a tough one, but I have to
(20:34):
make a point of it because of the finances being
such a big thing. Make a budget. Please don't go
into it. I know sometimes right like, the reason why
we don't make budgets is because we'd rather not know.
But the problem is at one point we inevitably end
up checking. And then when we end up checking, we go, oh, no,
I wish I checked ahead of time. And so here's
(20:55):
what I'm going to say to you. Check in advance,
right like, check in advance, set a budget, write a
list of all your gifts. I promise you you will
not regret it in the future, as opposed to overspending
and then looking back and thinking I should have done that,
or sometimes underspending and thinking, oh, I wish I got
them a better gift. I wish we did more for them,
(21:17):
And so I think so many of us don't set
a budget. I'm going to say, make a budget right
now for all your holiday gifts, for all your holiday decor,
so that you don't give yourself a hard time later
on Number seven. If you're like me and you love
gifts and you love presents, make sure you're clear with
people about what you want. I think expectations are really
tough during the holidays. You unwrap that gift. Do you
(21:39):
remember that scene in Love Actually, Oh, I love it
where the guy who plays Snape Alan Rickman rest in
peace phenomenal, you know, wonderful talent. Alan Rickman goes to
buy a heart shaped necklace for this girl at work
he's flirting with, not for his wife, and then he
(21:59):
ends up going to mister Bean, and mister Bean takes
too long to pack his gift. I've felt like that
so many times when I've got to get a gift
and then his wife spots that he bought that, but
then she doesn't get it. Now I've just realized that
this doesn't apply to my point. But I'm glad I
told that story anyway, But what I was trying to
say is that if you want something, make sure someone
knows his wife. Unfortunately, in that situation was being kind
(22:22):
of cheated on, so I don't think that that would
have mattered in her case. But if you're expecting your
partner to guess your mind, read your brain, and know
what you want for Christmas, please don't do that. Allow
them the opportunity to plan, to prepare by letting them know.
I think a lot of us open gifts. We get
(22:42):
something that we didn't want, we get something that we
feel wasn't good enough, whatever it may be. Be clear
about your wishes. I think you know if you grew
up believing that Santa Claus was going to deliver your
perfect gift and your parents read your mind. It's easy
to expect that from a partner. It's easy to expect
that from a loved one. But as we get older,
it becomes harder and harder for our minds to be read,
(23:04):
and it becomes harder and harder for someone to deliver
on that. So it's a simple one, but please make
someone know your wishes. Number eight. I think a lot
of the times during the holidays, everyone says just be present,
and I think there's an issue with this advice because
I also think we need to plan ahead. I think
we need to plan ahead and say, Okay, how many
parties am I going to? Am I going to be
(23:25):
tired on Saturday night? Do I really want to do
that on Sunday? I would say, actually, look at your
calendar and plan ahead. You can be present and be
really frustrated with your presence because you didn't plan for it.
So there is a part of us that needs to
think about the future. But we need to think about
the future right now, like right now, and so plan ahead,
looking at your calendar and making sure you get it
(23:47):
right and now Number nine is the opposite. Make time
to reflect this year. I'm going to be doing an
episode at the end of the year helping you reflect
on your greatest lessons, your greatest goals for next year,
your aspirations, the learn things the meaning from this year.
But make time to reflect. I find that the holidays
can be stressful because we didn't plan on reflecting. And
(24:08):
here's my favorite way of reflecting. What's something I want
to add to next year to make it better? What's
something I want to subtract from next year that I
did this year to make it better. And what's one
thing I want to multiply. What's one thing I want
to double down on right, What's something that really brought
me joy this year and I want to do it
a lot more. What do I want to add to
(24:30):
next year? What do I want to subtract from next year?
And what I want to multiply. I never thought math
could be so useful. And number ten, don't abandon therapy
and meditation and whatever your self practices are. It's really
easy to abandon them, thinking this is a time where
we just have to have fun, let loose, or we're
too busy, But this is a time we often need
(24:50):
it most. So here are ten strategies to help with
your stress. I hope that they support you and wishing
you all the best. I really hope that you feel
supported during this time. And hey, not everything's going to
go to plan. People are going to say things to
annoy you and trigger you. You're going to have days
where you feel upset. But I hope that you will
(25:11):
reconnect with this episode and pass it on to reconnect
with these tensible things that can really help you. Thanks
so much for listening. I appreciate you. Look out for
some more amazing episodes during the holidays, and I can't
wait to continue finishing off twenty twenty three on a
high and I look forward to doing that with you.
Thank you so much. Mental health is now talked about
(25:43):
more than ever, which is awesome. I mean, I don't
have to tell you that it's a primary focus of
on Purpose, but on a day to day basis, many
people don't know where to turn or which tools can help.
Over the past couple of years, I've been working with
Calm to make mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as
I like to say, fun and easy. Calm has all
sorts of content to help you reduce anxiety and stress,
(26:06):
build mindful habits, improve sleep, and generally feel better in
your daily life. So many bite size options from the
most knowledgeable experts in the world, along with renowned meditation teachers.
You can also check out my seven minute daily series
to help you live more mindfully each and every day.
Right now, listeners of On Purpose get forty percent off
(26:27):
a subscription to Calmpremium at calm dot com. Forward slash
j do' CLM dot com forward slash Jay for forty
percent off Calm your Mind, Change your Life,
Host
Jay Shetty
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