Finding the Good in Grief on Father's Day with Dr. Sarah Williams

While some are celebrating Father's Day, others may be grieving. Recently I lost my father and struggled with ways to find the good in Father's Day. I sat down with Licensed Clinical Psychotherapist, Dr. Sarah Williams, on a national platform and wanted to share with those who can unfortunately relate. Thankfully, I'm able to find the good in my grief and I hope you can, too.

Follow Ambie Renee (aka Amber Payton in this episode): Instagram, Facebook, Twitter: @ambiereneeonair

Follow Dr. Sarah Williams: @iamdrsarahwilliams

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome. I'm Amber Payton, andtoday is Father's Day. Now. While
some are celebrating today, there areothers, including myself, who are grieving.
In the spirit of transparency, twomonths ago to this date, I
lost my father and the unfortunate realityis I am not the only person going
through Father's Day without their father.So I'm here to share some ways that

(00:22):
I've been coping with those who canrelate, unfortunately, and here to help
me do that as doctor Sarah Williams, who has a long list of credentials
or PhD in Education, Master ofScience and Health Education, a Master of
Science and Clinical Mental Health Counseling,her Bachelor of Science and Medical Sociology.
She's a licensed clinical psychotherapist and theCommonwealth of Virginia, certified in Grief,

(00:45):
Stress and Trauma, Board certified bythe National Board of Certified Counselors, and
approved Clinical Supervisor with a Board ofCounseling and the Commonwealth of Virginia, and
also a McClain Institute Coaching Affiliate atHarvard Medical School. Welcome doctor Sarah william
to the Black Information Network. Thankyou so much, Amber, I'm so
delighted to be here with you today. I am excited to have you back.

(01:07):
Some may not know, but thisis not our first time interviewing.
But of course the conversation is alot different. As I mentioned before,
I did recently lose my father,and I'm thankful that it was not necessarily
unexpected. It was his decision tocome off of life support, and so

(01:27):
we were able to prepare for that. We had days to prepare for that
moment. But not everyone is fortunateenough to have that experience. And I
did read in a study where theBlack community sometimes we can be more prone
to what is called prolonged grief,and there's even a such thing called black

(01:49):
grief. So I want you totalk to me a little bit about that
and how it got its own label, how grief relates to the Black community,
and why prolonged grief it's so commonin the black community. One can
assume that it could be because wemay not know where or how or when
it's necessary to seek the tools thatwe need to deal with grief. But

(02:14):
I don't want to assume. Iwant to, you know, ask the
professional, and that is absolutely correct, and then having a conversation about grief.
We just cannot do it enough becauseUnfortunately, as part of our life,
there's also that that ending, whichis grief. And if anybody can
speak about grief, of course it'sme because before I became prudential in the

(02:38):
specialty of grief, of course,I had to survive grief and trauma myself,
and I found myself as an academicperson struggling with the tools as you
mentioned, because being a black womanand growing up in a large family,
I only had models of how torespond to grief that did not necessarily involve

(03:01):
any processing. It typically was theurgent and the parents and everyone's just basically
pushing you to be strong that youdidn't dwell on a grief. Most of
the time, there was not anyopportunity for leef because oftentimes in the black
community, we don't have positions thatsupport emotional time off. Now, if

(03:27):
you find yourself with an EAP,that is a luxury which gives you some
bereavement, but most of us don'thave that option. So when you talk
about black grief or the concept ofblack grief, theoretically, there's something known
as complex grief and complicated grief,well, that occurs when you've pretty much
gone through what's known as the stagesof grief, and after say about a

(03:53):
year or two, the grieving processgravitates to more of a depression and anxiety
becomes more of a clean eco diagnosis. So what you're describing when you talk
about black grief, you're essentially talkingabout the experience of Black Americans being more
predisposed to have any mental health maladyas a result of a loss because of

(04:15):
a number of factors. And thatcan include lack of support, the economic
resources, and of course the stigmaassociated with getting help. Now talking about
doctor Sarah and that I already hada PhD when I became a widow.
Also when I lost my mom.Now, when I was younger, I

(04:35):
lost my dad and I was veryclose to him, and it was a
sudden loss. Now, how theperson passes away and the factors that surround
that person greatly impacts how well youwill be able to process and move forward
through those greeting stages. When Ilost my dad, it was sudden.
I wasn't expecting. I was afreshman at Florida A and M University,

(04:59):
and there I was not emotionally preparedto even process the emotions. I didn't
know to go get mental health treatment, and I turned my grief inward.
I went right back to school,I took classes, I graduated early.
I was about eighty seven pounds atone point. Wow, I was eighty

(05:19):
seven pounds. I was self neglectingand I was turning all that sadness inward.
It wasn't until I got diagnosed withclinical depression later on that I was
able to process the connection between thetraumatic loss of my dad and my inability
to process the emotions. Then fastforward, as I became a professional and

(05:42):
I'm a PhD, I reached outfor help, but very few colinicians looked
like me, so they weren't ableto understand that I can show up looking
very resilient, very composed, haveappeared to have it all together and be
breaking inside. And that's what's happeningin a black community. And that's why
I love having these opportunities to speakwith persons like yourself, so that we

(06:08):
can educate our community and understand thatit's okay to not be okay, and
let's do away with this thought ofbeing strong. We don't need to be
strong. There are times that weneed to have the human experience, and
we experience grief in all the stagesthat come along with it was denial,

(06:30):
anger, bargaining. If you finallymake it to acceptance, that's great,
but there's you have to allow yourselfto go through those processes. And that's
what's missing in our community absolutely.You know, as you were speaking,
I realized that grief does not lookthe same for everyone. And so for
me, I was what I wouldconsider to be fortunate enough to kind of

(06:56):
have time to prepare for this loss, and so I was able to kind
of steal some last moments. Andwhat I mean by that is there were
some major milestones that occurred immediately beforeand immediately after he passed away. So
one week prior to him passing,I started what I would consider my dream
job, and he and I saidwe were going to listen to my first

(07:16):
show together. Now. Although itdidn't look how I thought it would look,
we still did. I recorded itand we listened to it together.
Another thing was his birthday was oneweek immediately after his passing, so we
made sure that that's when we hadhis memorial. But then two weeks after

(07:39):
his passing was my graduation, andit was really important that he be able
to experience that with me. ButI knew he wasn't going to be here,
and so what I did was Iput on my cap and gown and
my honor stoles, and he madesure he was the first person to see
me in all of my graduation attire. So I was able to have those

(07:59):
last moments. And that's what I'mremembering today. That's what's helping me get
through the day, is remembering himfor who he was, remembering the good
times. He was, the funny, goofy dancing dad. And you know,
that's really helping me get through thisday. But that's just me.
That's what works for me, Sothat may not work for everyone. What

(08:20):
are some things that you know otherscan do to help them get through Father's
Day? Absolutely, transparency right now, in this moment is going to help
so many people because you are ableto connect with the need for social support,
but you have to be discriminate interms of what that social support looks

(08:43):
like. And that is keenly important. Around the holidays now, a lot
of times we have holidays based onwhat we feel that shit look like.
And now your holiday's changed. It'snot to just be Father's Day, Christmas,
birthdays. You now have a newgrieving identity, and it doesn't necessarily

(09:07):
have to be unhealthy. You cancreate new traditions that are meaningful that captured
the spirit of your dad. Ifhe loved to dance and he loved music
and that just and he lit upthe room, then maybe your Father's Day
needs to be loud. Maybe itneeds to be music. Maybe it needs

(09:30):
to be amber being amber. NowI know where you get it from,
because I've known you a long time. You know from okay, right,
So I've known you a long time. I was in the north A community
for twenty one years, so I'veseen you grow up. Yes, so
um, that needs to happen forus. In our household, Whinny to

(09:54):
Puoh was my favorite character, andmy father made sure I had plenty of
Whinnie to Puoh everything, okay,and my children love it. And one
of this, like saints and winningyour poo, you can never uncheer a
balloon. And I know that soundsreally silly. So what my children and
I do is we keep balloons aroundof some nature all the time. I

(10:15):
have balloons now all over the floorin one of my rooms, in my
dining room in my den. OnFather's Day, we will do a balloon
tribute. And my twins turn eighteensoon and they're gonna have balloons. Balloons
make us feel happy and you cannever uncheer a balloon. And that's just
one example. So capture the essenceof the person of who they were,

(10:39):
when they were happy, when theywere healthy, when they were with you.
And memorials are important because tears area way of cleansing the soul.
So if you want to have thattime in a memorial where you take flowers
and you speak to them, youwrite letters to them, you chernal,
you have a circle of people thatare also connected to you, and you

(11:01):
just have like moments where you allowyour soul to just fill the darkness of
it. Because the other problem thathappens in the black community is just we
want to just carry on. Wewant life to go back to where it
was, to want normalcy, andwe think we can force that by pretending
and it just doesn't happen like that. Absolutely. Now, if you're just

(11:24):
tuning in, I'm Amber Payton andI'm here with doctor Sarah Williams, who's
a licensed clinical psychotherapist. I thoughtit was important to have her here.
She's certified in grief, stress,and trauma. And while a lot of
people are celebrating today Father's Day,there are some who are grieving today,
such as myself. So in thespirit of transparency, I did lose my

(11:46):
father two months ago to this date, So this is my first Father's Day
without him. And the reality,the unfortunate reality is I'm not alone.
There are people who are trying toget through this day without their father.
And so, doctor Williams, ifyou could talk to me a little bit
about how do we fix the issueof prolonged grief in the black community because

(12:13):
it is so common. Is ita matter of finding a therapist, because
that's not always easy because you haveto shop around when you're finding a therapist.
You have to find a therapist thatworks well for you. What can
we do to lessen the effect ofgrief so that it isn't prolonged, so
that we aren't looking at, youknow, years and years of stress,

(12:37):
because it's not just emotional stress,it's mental, it's physical. So could
you talk to me a little bitabout that. When I want to talk
a little bit about how to choosea therapist, that therapist needs to have
a connection with you and your grievingpersonality, her specialty and grief and or

(12:58):
trauma is very important, so thatthey understand specifically what the brain is doing.
There's a change in about chemistry andyour neurological system and everything, your
immune system, everything is pushing towardshealing. Emotional healing when you are grieving,
that is impaired. So a lotof times individuals that are grieving,

(13:20):
they may face chronic health conditions atthe onset of their grieving, especially if
it becomes complicated. So having atherapist that can recognize not just the emotional
association with grief, but the physicalassociation too, any additional stressors that are
occurring, for example in the blackcommunity, if their financial stressors, if

(13:41):
the person had a prolonged illness andthere wasn't adequate resources to cover this person's
care, if the family, likein my situation, I became a single
parent household after my husband passed awayand there were significant changes in our financial
household and the work stress and thenhave an employer that's understanding these are all

(14:01):
variables that your therapist has to dohas to help you. They can't just
focus on you sitting there bringing whatyou bring. They've got to also see
past some of that, because oftentimesin the black community, and you are
aware amber that you can show upand look fine and be totally clinically depressed,
and if the clinician is not skilledat recognizing that and seeing behind that,

(14:26):
then that's a problem. I wrotean article called Plastic Smiles and Looking
Pretty, and the essentially talked aboutmy grieving process and how I would show
up to the hospital center looking amazing. Of course I had to look amazing
for my husband, and everybody said, oh, she's doing fine, and
only people very close to me knewthat I was not doing well at all.

(14:48):
I was falling apart. So havinga therapist that connects with that part
of you, it's essential you interviewthat therapists like you would interview a baby
cider for your kids, um,a job person that's potentially wanting you to
hire you to hire the proserson fora job, you spend that time talking

(15:11):
with them. It's okay to setup a consultation and ask for some time
before you decide, okay, thisis the person that I'm going to entrust
my mental health with. Make surethat they are licensed and they are potential.
Because there are a lot of wellintended individuals that are in the community
now that are calling themselves mental mentalhealth advocates, coaches, etc. And

(15:35):
there's there's nothing against that. Ifthere's some some value to that, it
really is. But I think initiallywith grief, let's see a therapist first
and let's lose coaching and advocacy asan adjunct to that. UM A lot
of the pastors have some training inmanaging their their their community of grief grievers.

(15:58):
You know, of our clergy sometimescan help with gree but the only
clinical side clergy, they're not clinicalpeople. So it's important to you know,
don't overburden your pastor too much.But that can be included because I
think spirituality is a very important invital especially in communities of color. Definitely

(16:21):
well, Doctor Sarah Williams, thankyou again for taking the time to speak
with me today. You know,I know again that there are a lot
of people who are celebrating this Father'sDay, but then there are some again
like myself, who are grieving theloss of their father today. So no
matter where you are in your journey, I do hope that you were able
to take something from this. I'mAmber patent with the Black Information Network