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December 12, 2022 58 min

It’s been ten years since the massacre at Sandy Hook elementary where 20 children and 6 adults were murdered in an act of public gun violence. While we’ve got your attention in this flurry of ten year anniversary media reports, Sandy Hook parent survivor Nelba Márquez-Greene wants you to know what survival really looks like. 


This is a re-release of the first episode of season two. On this week’s show, Nelba and I discuss what it’s like to live such a public grief, and what it means to find joy - and hope - in an often violent world. 

In this episode we cover: 

  • Supporting each other: the difference between an “inside the house” friend and an “on the porch” friend. 
  • Why no single form of advocacy for survivors is right for all survivors 
  • What’s missing from our ideas about “resilience”
  • Where your money goes when you donate funds in the wake of a tragedy
  • The importance of telling your own story in the ways you want to tell it (no matter who demands a soundbite) 
  • What to do when the next act of gun violence happens

Notable quotes: 

  • “My son was eight when his sister was murdered. He has every reason to not hope. In this country, boys who look like him are murdered with impunity more often than we report. And my son still has hope. And that gives me great hope when I can't find it.” - Nelba Márquez-Greene
  • “What’s the aim of a media outlet, or a news outlet, when they tell a specific (often traumatic) story? Like, yes, they want clicks & advertising, but they need emotional impact to get those clicks. Do you know what has emotional impact? The f*cking truth.” - Megan Devine

About our guest: Nelba Márquez-Greene is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in grief, loss, trauma and their impact on individuals and systems. What her official bio doesn’t say is that her child was murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary. 


In 2018, she was profiled as one of “100 Women of Color” and a YWCA (CT) Women’s Leadership Award recipient. She was featured in People Magazine’s October 2019 issue as one of Ten Women Changing the World and also recognized by Chelsea Clinton and Hillary Clinton in their Book of Gutsy Women.


Find Nelba at

Follow her on Instagram and Facebook @anagraceproject 

Follow her on Twitter at @Nelba_MG and @anagraceproject 


Additional resources


There are many organizations fighting to end gun violence. Here are just a few: 

Moms Demand Action, Change the Ref, and Brady United. As Nelba suggested, if you want to support survivors of gun violence, find ways to support survivors in underserved communities, especially if their tragedy didn’t make the national news. 


Get in touch:


Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Here After with Megan Devine. Tune in, subscribe, leave a review, send in your questions, and share the show with everyone you know. Together, we can make things better, even when they can’t be made right. 


Have a question, comment, or a topic you’d like us to cover? call us at (323) 643-3768 or visit


For more information, including clinical training and consulting, visit us at


For grief support & education, follow us at @refugeingrief on IG, FB, TW, and @hereafterpod on TT


Check out Megan’s best-selling books - It’s Okay That You're Not Okay and How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed

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