September 9, 2025 • 61 mins
In this episode of Just Heal with Dr. Jay, Dr. Jay Barnett sits down with Fhiona Ellis for a vulnerable and heartfelt conversation on mental health, emotional healing, and the path of self-discovery. Fhiona opens up about her experiences with trauma and suicidal thoughts, while underscoring the importance of community support and connection. Together, they reflect on the duality of being seen and unseen, the quiet strength found in obscurity, and the role of radical acceptance in growth. The dialogue also explores the link between emotional well-being and physical health, particularly for women, highlighting the transformative power of authenticity and vulnerability. In honor of National Suicide Prevention Month, the episode offers a powerful reminder to value life, embrace support, and recognize healing as an ongoing journey. Tune in and join the conversation in the socials below.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Peace of the planet. Charlamagnea god here.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Before we get into today's episode, we've got to celebrate
the Black Effect Podcast Network. It's turning five years old, man,
five years of powerful voices, unforgettable moments in the community
that keeps growing.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
This is the power of the platform. Now let's get
into it. Welcome to Jesshill with Doctor j a production
of The Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Today I
am joined by for Hanni Ellis. Again. Friends, for those
of you that get tongue tied when you say names
that somebody probably should have kept. But this is a
(00:33):
name that we are going to try to say for
Honey Ellis, celebrity stylists and saintrists from Atlanta, Georgia, my
great friend. Welcome to the Hilly community. Now I got
the first name, by the way, so it's Fee from
here on out.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
It's from.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I do not want to be in any arm wrestling
with my tongue and the top of the roof of
my mouth because I feel like I need peanut butter
to be at the top of my mouth to say
that for Honey.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
I think we we can set it on fee from
here on it.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Is that correct for honey for honey. Okay, yeah, you
just got it. It's like lift of weights. You gotta
keep doing it for honey. See how you doing? Welcome good,
I'm good man. Listen, it is so good to have
you here today as we are talking about suicide prevention
(01:25):
money and we'll get into that and we'll get into
your story. But before we start the episode, I always
ask my guests not how they're fit doing, but how
are you feeling today today?
Speaker 3 (01:39):
I would have to say I'm in between. So that
means it's not bad, and I'm not necessarily it's saying
it's not good, but it's an in between of content.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
I love that. Yeah, you know what I love feet
about the answers that my guests give. It is such
a wide range of response and no one gives a
manufactured response. No one is like, oh, I'm blessing holy
favor of the Lord. The Lord is my shepherd and
I shall not want here's my rock and cause me
(02:12):
like be real, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Yeah, in between. I think sometimes it's okay just to
be there.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
So yeah, in fact, I believe we live in between,
to be honest, and I don't think I'm gonna say
this the older I get I realize life is so gray.
Yeah it is, and it's not as black as white
as we wish for it to be. It is really great.
(02:40):
I think we live in between, the gaps, in between
the spaces. As what you're saying, I agree. So for you,
as you're saying, you're in between, if you can kind
of attach that to a picture, paint a picture for
what that looks like.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
I think it's rainbows. It sounds funny to say, but
there's rainbows with rain. So some days it's bright, it's beautiful,
but then there's some days where the drop comes. And
I think I've learned to like learn how to live
in between and not automatically deem the dark or the
clouds or the rain as something bad. It's like I've
(03:18):
just learned how to just be content and acceptance of
what life brings every day. So I think, if it's
a weird answer to give, but that's my answer, why
is it weird? It's not the normal answer?
Speaker 1 (03:32):
No, no, no. The me is saying, why are you
naming it weird?
Speaker 3 (03:36):
Because I think you you try to make people comfortable
with the answer, right, Oh, I mean, but that's the
that's the truth.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
You know, I know, but don't make nobody comfortable. This
is about you, yeah, this is this is your moment,
this is your time.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
I got you. So what I would say, it's rain,
It's rainbows and rain. But that's the beauty of it.
I think that's what's beautiful about life to me. It's
a mixture of too.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
I love to talk about the duality of holding bold
and not feeling like you have to drop one for
the other. That I can be happy over here and
it's sad. If I was to ask myself how I'm feeling,
I think earlier I said I felt encouraged. I would
(04:19):
say in this moment, because I feel something different with
each guest, I would say in the moment that I'm
feeling with you, I'm feeling grateful. And I would say
that I'm feeling grateful because I know we have been
talking a lot about connecting and working, but I'm feeling
grateful because I've had an opportunity to sit with the
(04:42):
other guests, and each guest has brought something different to
this community of healing. And I'm grateful that your story
gets to be on a platform that is encouraging people
to heal and.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
I appreciate you for having me because I think that
it is important for these stories. I think a lot
of times people look at what you look like and
that's not the picture. That's the picture we wanted you
to see, but it's not the picture that's there, you know.
So I love you as you know we were friends.
But I also appreciate you sharing your platform with me
to do that outside of what people normally see, because
(05:20):
it's not just close and all those things. So I
appreciate what you're.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Doing absolutely, and I want to go there because you
and I talk a lot about that, about being seen
and for most people, like when they go to your
social media, they see you tailoring outfits for celebrities to
fit their bodies, to fit their unique style, to fit
(05:45):
their unique look and personality. And it's easy for folks
to give fee this sort of life because you're around
celebrities and stars, but missing who you really are as
a person. And be honesty man, because you know I'm
(06:05):
gonna you know, I'm gonna asks a hard.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Thing and I don't give you the truth.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
One thing does does that bother you?
Speaker 3 (06:10):
It does bother me because I'm so much more than that, right,
but I think I came into it with a mask,
so people what you present is what people then start
to address you as. And so you know, when I
came into this, I wasn't fully confident as for Hani
because Forhani had a lot of inadequacies. For Hanni had
(06:31):
a lot of things and problems. So I came in
and saying, Oh, I'm gonna give myself all to ego.
She's feed. This is what she looks like, this is
how she carries herself, this is her demeanor, this is
what we're going for. So if you constantly present that
to the people that's in front of you, that's gonna
how they're gonna address you. But as I started to heal,
Forhani started to emerge and she started to have an
issue with the mask, right, And so I think what
(06:55):
became interesting about my job. What I love is God
allows me to see the flaws of everyone, the stuff
that nobody gets to see behind closed stores. He allows
me to see them, their imperfections, their bodies, things they
you know, try to dress up. I get to see
the real them. So I feel like God gave me
a gift for somebody who never felt seen. He gave
(07:17):
me eyes to see everybody, whether it's natural or spiritual. Like, so,
I think it's very It's been a very interesting journey
with Taylor and all of that.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
But yeah, you know, because I knew our episode would
be different because we we've read well but not beyond that.
But our spiritual intelligence and spiritual gifting allow us to
go deeper and transcend the surface and reach in the
opulence of a conversation in text, how is it that
(07:56):
we can see others and never be seen. Won't you
sit with that before we start, because that's nothing like
feeling invisible scene for your gift, but invisible for who
(08:16):
you really are.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
M and I could sit there for some time. So
I think the me now thinks that can be beauty, right,
because it's like your superpower. God gives you eyes to
see past the surface. God gives you eyes to see
what people try to dress up, what they try to hide.
(08:41):
The eyes never lie, so I can look at somebody
and tell what is going on, whether they ever speak
a word to me, I've seen it and so. But
on the flip side, you have this gift, but then
you're also invisible to most people because your job description
doesn't look like it's attractive, so they can constantly overlook you,
they constantly overstep you. So you know that you have
(09:02):
something amazing that the Lord has given you, but yet
it's invisible to everyone else around you. So I think
for me it has been hard. It's been a struggle
at times because it's like God, you call me friend,
do you give me so many things? But yet it's
almost like I'm invisible. But I think it's a form
of protection. So I think when I say I've learned
to live in like you said, the duality of something
(09:25):
that in between, I have to realize that it's God's protection.
It's not for me to try to figure it out anymore,
even though it's uncomfortable. I'll be lying if I say
it's not. But I think that I can't rush to
be seen because the wrong exposure could dim my lights, right,
it could cause me to go another way. And so
(09:46):
I think I'm learning that it's okay not to be seen,
and at the appointed time, God will make that thing
be known. And whatever capacity that looks like.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
I love that because what I hear is the benefit
of obscurity. Absolutely, there's a great benefit to obscurity. I
think were living in a world where people are dying
to be seen. Yeah, they're dying for attention, they're dying
for acceptance, they're dying for validation. And what I'm hearing
(10:19):
from you is that you learn how to rest in obscurity.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
Yeah, And nobody talks about that because Jesus had a
season of obscurity, right. We hear about him at thirteen
and then we don't hear about him again into thirty three.
There's a season of unknown. So I think it's like
we have a model in front of us that we
constantly keep ignoring, and there's a pressure like, oh, I
want somebody to see me. But it's like again, I
think in my life, I've just come to radical acceptance.
(10:45):
It has not always been here. I have had many
disagreements with the Lord about it. But I think getting
to this place this year is that we all have
to endure a season of obscurity because if you are
presented too soon, your mission will be aborted.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
So and also too Radical Acceptance by Tary Bratch is
a really great book. There are some principles that she
talks about that are associated with the Buddhists, Buddhism and again,
whatever your faith is. It's a really great book. And
it's a really great book because most people they're not
(11:30):
just struggling with who they are, they're struggling with accepting
the radical parts of them, that radical part of you
that doesn't make sense, the radical part of you that
you were just like, well, this doesn't look like everyone else,
So just wanted to throw that in that. That's a
really great book that I often recommend for clients who
are challenged in the area of accepting themselves totally. I
(11:54):
mean all of it, not the parts that you like,
except that the parts that you would rather put on
gloves to touch. It's a really great book. Obscurity is
necessary because fee there was a season that I was
an echo before God made me a voice. And can
(12:14):
I tell you I wish I could go back to
being an echo again. Yeah, because people don't realize once
He presents you what that comes with. I can tell
you right now, David promatly enjoyed his time in the
field because the moment that he was annoyted, he now
had to deal with Sauls insecurities. And we don't realize
(12:37):
that when God is hiding us in a season that
is the time that you just be still and just
lean into it and stop fighting to be seen because
you not being seen. It's actual form of protection because
if you go before your time prematurely. I would even
go as far as to say, is that if you
(12:58):
get something before it's time, it could be a curse.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
So let me ask you. I mean, as you were talking,
I thought about this. It's like, do you feel like
you came to that revelation after you got there?
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Meaning I got to this. I was I got to
this revelation during my time of obscurity because I never
wanted to be seen. I never Membishop Jakes was having
a conversation and he said I was just doing what
I was doing and God breathed on it. And I
(13:34):
was like, dangn me too, bit like I was really
just chilling. Here's how it happened with me. So I
moved to Dallas because I felt it was time to
leave Houston. And anybody knows my story knows what twenty
eighteen was for me coming out of mortualists relationship. So
when I get to Dallas, I hide, and hiding was
(13:59):
so I mean, it was the best thing for me
to hide. But I also felt God knew, Negro I
know why you hiding. I didn't want to be seen
because I also didn't want to have to answer anybody's questions.
So being seen for me wasn't so I can be
on a platform being seen for me. It's like, man,
(14:21):
I don't even want to give you an explanation of
why I made the decision that I made. So I'm
in hiding for two years. While I'm in hiding, one
day July twenty twenty one, I'm in private practice. I'm
just seeing clients and I'm doing a few interviews here,
(14:41):
doing a little speaking of here and there. And I said, God,
this is cool with me. Brother, I say, ain't got
to deal with nigroes. I ain't got to be on
nobody's platform. I ain't got to be looked at as
being this person. I said, this is cool. I'm in
the shower and God said it's time. I said, uh uh.
(15:04):
He said it's time. I broke down and cried so bad.
He said I'm getting ready to present you to the world.
And I begged him please yeah, because I knew what
it would come with. And a month later, I get
(15:25):
a call for a job in usc to be the
first black sports therapist at the University of Southern California.
I am a huge USC fan, and I said, oh, man, okay,
if this is what scene is, I'm cool with this.
I can go be a trojan. I can you know
(15:47):
what I'm saying. God had them folks call me. I
went through six weeks of interviews out of the top
ten psychologists and psych therapists that they were interviewing counselors me,
I said, I'll be daub On.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Then God told me not to take the job. I said, oh,
what are you doing? Then I had to go back
resind my master's degree and get into the master's program again.
Because you can't practice in California with forty five credential hours,
you have to have sixty. So I get back into
my master's program, have to do a fifteen additional hours,
(16:26):
which is another two years in school. I did it
in five months. Literally lost my mind get to the program.
In the end, the people said, okay, Jay, you want
to come to California. I said, well, God told me
not to come. Lady send Jay, what's going on? And
you play toy with us? I said, man. So the
(16:48):
five courses that I had to take. It was additional
information and coursework that God turned and turn us for
my skill sets and my credential. Here's the other part.
I said, God, why don't you have many take this?
He said, because what you got in these five courses
is what you're gonna need for the world, not for
(17:08):
the university. Come on, now, I'm really upset.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Because if he would have told you that, you wouldn't
have did it anyway.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
No, and I wouldn't did it because I'm like, dude,
I'm okay with standing in my mind. This is this
is why people who were wanting to be seeing scared
of me.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
But that's why I love what you're saying is because
so let's be honest. There the reason why the Lord
didn't allow exposure to hit me in a way because
there was pride there. God had to wring my heart
out before he presents me in front of anywhere. There
can be any selfish ambition. There can't even be any
pride because what He has given me is not just
about clothes. It's setting people free. So if you desire
(17:48):
that platform, you're gonna now take praise and that's gonna
boost you, that's gonna give you more pride more selfish ambition.
But what you're saying is I didn't even desire this.
This is one he's on my radar. So the Lord
can trust you when it's not even something that you
even want to step into. So if God would have
really told you what the plan was, you wouldn't have
did it because you were trying to hide. Yeah, you
(18:10):
don't want nobody to see you, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (18:12):
Like, yeah, because I've seen the platform expose people who
are underdeveloping their character because they're so infatuated with their gifts.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Yeah, and that's why I think you have to do.
You have to go on your journey. Right. So the
Lord has really dealt with me over the last two years.
I have been walking with the Lord for a very
very long time. But it wasn't until I asked the
Lord to give me the desires that he has and
to allow me to hate the things that he hates,
and it was like my heart literally transforms.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Right.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
And what has been interesting is the Lord told me
in twenty the end of twenty twenty three, I'm giving
you a favorable departure. I didn't know what that meant. Okay,
all I knew is my work like this upside down.
I'm not gonna allow you to keep abandoning yourself. I'm
not gonna allow you to keep prostituting your gift because see,
(19:06):
I came from a place of unworthiness where I had
a lot of inadequacies, and so because I dealt with
rejection in abandon a lot, and I didn't want to
be homeless. You call me, I'm going, see we got
this type of money. Can you go out of town.
I'm not asking the Lord nothing, I'm going wherever the
money go. And the Lord told me, you're prostituting your gift.
I'm giving you a favorable departure. This is ending the
(19:29):
last two years of my life. So that's how I
got to radical acceptance. I didn't just arrive there. It
was a fight to get there because the Lord would
not allow me to keep abandoning myself at the sake
of other people. And if there's a work to be done,
so we have to. If you won't leave, I'm gonna
make them leave you. This has completely is that how
(19:49):
it happened, exactly how it happens.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
So people stopped, so people stopped saving.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Yeah, I had a disagreement with one of my main clients,
which housed about sixteen clients. So with that one particular company,
I had sixteen of my major clients, a list celebrities
underneath that umbrella. But I was tired. See what people
don't realize is that, yes, it's pretty and by nature,
(20:14):
I'm a black and white person. So if I'm on,
I'm owned, and we're gonna ride until we ride, right.
But I think it was also killing me. It was
leading me deeper in a hole. And because I had
dealt with, you know, suicidal thoughts, all those different things depression,
that enemy knew like all I gotta do is keep
wearing her out her greatest fear show and never want
to be homeless again. So I'm gonna keep just giving
(20:34):
them money. I'm gonna keep I'm gonna keep her on
this stream. And it was literally like if I would
have went another year the way I went in twenty
twenty three, I traveled ten months out of the year.
For those other two months, I barely had any sleep.
I had gained about forty five pounds. I was. I
was extremely depressed, but I knew I couldn't allow myself
(20:57):
to get too depressed because I had been there before,
so I knew what that looked like. But I remember
the Lord allowed everyone to walk away, and he told me,
I'm giving you favorable departure, And I said, what's favorable
about this? Lord? Nothing about this looks favorable. Everything about
this looks absolutely insane. It was the best thing that
ever happened to me because in all of that, God,
(21:22):
it introduced me to a version of myself when we
talk about in the scripture before before you reform, I
knew you. God took me back to I knew you,
meaning before the world got their hands on you. I'm
sending you back to your default setting. That was the
best thing the Lord could have did, was let all
them people walk away from me like the best. I
(21:43):
have no regrets. Was it ugly? Absolutely. I think I've
cried more in the last seven months that I've done
in years. But do I regret it? No.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
When you and thank you for sharing, because this is
so rich and I'm hoping somebody is healing from you sharing.
Because sometimes we're afraid to lead the very thing that's
sucking the life out of us because we feel that
it's given us life. Because we'll feel that it's giving
(22:16):
us life because it's given us a paycheck, or because
he's present. Well, I know he don't love me, but
at least I got a man. So it's better to
have a piece of a man than no man at all. Well, well,
she talked to me crazy, but at least she's cooking
for me. We attach ourselves to things that are literally
sucking the life out of us, and we're afraid to
(22:38):
lead because we think it's a life giver for you.
When you realize this thing.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
Is killing me, yeah, but I knew for a long time, right,
But again, when you so, and you know a little
of my story, when you've had as many's laws as
I've had in my life and has been through as
much grief as I have, I think I was just
looking for acceptance. So whoever gave it to me, I
(23:09):
went right whether it was work, and most of the
time it was work. It's like, oh, this feels like community.
Because not only did my mother pass my so my mother,
my step mother, and my spiritual mother all passed at
fifty one. My step my spiritual mom passed first. Two
years later my mom passed, then my grandmother passed. After
(23:31):
my mother passed, we had three. I had three deaths,
whether it's friends or family for the next eleven years,
and then my stepmother dad. So I've been through a
lot of grief and a lot of abandment. Unfortunately, after
my mom passed, my stepfather also disconnected. This is a
man who raised me. So at that point, I was
just looking for acceptance. Somebody loved me, right, and it
(23:55):
was work. They pump you up. It's like, oh, fee
fee this, you're wrong. I'm good at my job. But
when you are at a deficit and people praise you
like that, it'll keep you entanglements that you did not
sign up for, right, And so that's what was happening.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Yeah, Pauls, that's what Charlemagne will say when he say
so crazy. This is a moment for pause. But I'm
saying pause because that is deeply profound. When you are at.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
A deficit, a deficit, it'll leads you to nothing but danger.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Yeah, how long had you been in a deficit? Feet
my whole life?
Speaker 3 (24:38):
Right, I started at a deficit from the womb. Right,
So you know, I love I think I have two incredible,
amazing parents. My mother is no longer here, but my
mother was a beautiful woman, and my father is an
amazing man, right, But when you kind of deal with
(24:58):
your own inadequate season insecurities, we don't realize that we
passed those down to our children. So from birth I
struggled with worthiness and acceptance. And then because my father
he dealt with a drug addiction for twenty five years
of my life, I always felt like we were the
has beens. You know, Oh, every time you look at me,
(25:19):
your daddy stole our stuff yesterday, you know. So I
dealt with a lot of unworthiness and so it had
been there for a long time, and then you get
a little money on top of it, a little success,
a little exposure. It was like, oh, it's like a drug.
Just keep me in it, Like, okay, we travel today,
we're going to hear and again it was amazing. It
exposed me to be cause I think it's great to
(25:40):
have that level of exposure to a degree, but if
you are deficit, it's just as addictive as anything else.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
It is. Yeah, as you were talking about the deficit
and talking about the sort of stream that keeps you
coming back, I thought back to last year when I
was on tour, because I think when you and I
both were at the time just kind of telling each
(26:09):
other rest They framed be resting, and we both are
things like, oh, there needs to be on somebody's count.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
Crazy.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Yeah, And I realized last November. Last October, I was
on stage at the Potter's House as a man thinking
and I share something on stage that I never shared,
and I shared it because I felt led to for
the men to be free. But when I shared it,
(26:40):
it set them free. But I felt even more bound
because it was also something that was laying dormant for
came up in a moment because I needed to get
these men free. But also I felt like it was
a trigger instantaneously as I released it. And then I've
realized I've been getting up on stage in front of
these men out of a deficit, and not because I
(27:01):
wasn't healed, but because there was a deficit emotionally, and
when we're in a deficit emotionally, it would break us
down physically. That next month, I checked myself into an institution.
The next month, I developed vertigo, developed I took sick
(27:22):
and couldn't even explain what was happening. I'm sitting on
my couch last December and I'm in so much pain
because I had a double ear infection that uh, the
vertigo was was was well, that caused a vertigo because
of the fluid on my ear and I'm crying in pain.
(27:46):
We having to call the doctor to get more pain
ass because what they gave me wasn't working. And it
wasn't until I went in and see to see doctor Gill,
and she says, Jay, your immune systems compromise. You've been
going and going and going, and here's what nobody talks about.
(28:06):
When you going and going like that. I don't care
how much you work out. Your body ain't doing nothing.
It will fight against it will.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
Fight against itself, you know. And what I realized, so
how I found out that I had you know, we
mentioned even the fibroids. How I found out I had
had fibroids was I was working out and I told
my trainer. I was like, something's wrong. Like I don't
really know what's going on, but I knew like when
I stress, I physically hold stress in my stomach. I've
(28:35):
always like suppressed and put the stress in my stomach
at that time, and I was like, yeah, something's just wrong.
And I remember it was almost like a something was
just jabbing me at that point, and I go to
the emergency room and my you know, my trainer he
had got here like me, you probably just can't pay
or something, you know. So I go to the emergency
room and the doctor does the x rays. He comes back,
(28:57):
he said, mister Elis, you have fibroids. Who got fibroids?
Not me? And he said, yeah, miss ls f fibriars
you have. I think at the time they had saw
eights and so you have eight fibroids. And he gave
me the size and I was like, that's crazy. So
long story. Sure, I went to go do my research
and I since my after my mother passed, I started
(29:18):
to research emotions and diseases, what emotions are connected to
certain diseases. So after my mother passed. My mother passed
of pancreatic cancer. After she passed, and I researched that
particular emotion. It's where someone feels unloved, they don't know
how to receive love, they feel unworthy. I knew that
was my mother because of the conversations we had, so
(29:40):
I knew that the emotions that they described, those are
things that she directly dealt with at a adult. And
so when I started to research up on fibroids. It
was suppressing creativity and joy. You don't know how to
let go like it would start describing all these things,
and I also knew that was me right, And so
(30:00):
when I really started to look at those things, that's
when I realized it wasn't just about changing my diet.
It was about changing my life. And it started with
my mind first, and it started with not just the
physical things. I had to declutter everything because I watched
a disease kill my mom. I wasn't gonna let it
(30:21):
kill me.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
You also had to begin to release that.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
Traumas absolutely because it's store trauma.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
And the store trauma. Let me tell you people that
this is for men and women, and particularly for women
because of the way your bodies are made. Trauma in
a woman's body would change your hormones, It would change
the way your brain process and receive messages. It would
have you living in a fight or flight state, and
(30:51):
you don't know it, but your body is responding as
if you're in a constant fight with something, and that
can metascas side into certain diseases because you are disase.
So just wanted to give that because the more. You know,
we don't have enough time to talk about the science
(31:12):
of what she's sharing. Most of what we've done in
research from a clinical perspective, every disease has been attached
to something emotional that has not been processed. And when
you don't process, it's processed through your body in a sickness.
Speaker 3 (31:29):
Yeah. Absolutely, like that is that's one hundred percent. You know.
I was someone that because I had dealt with so
much trauma and grief, I wouldn't even say trauma was
just a lot of grief that I always was scanning
for danger. So my body was either in a functional
freeze fight flight, you know, and it was a constant
(31:50):
so you're talking about for twelve years, I stayed like that.
It wasn't until two years ago that I started to
really guests get to a point where it's like, yeah,
I'm not going to do this because again, if you
don't change, we can think something won't take us out,
but it actually will, right.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
So Yeah, and then the other part of that is
when you're in a fight or flight state, it feeds
whatever it's eating. And this is why you'll see women
who have fibers tuning. They'll be the growth of a softball.
Speaker 3 (32:27):
Mine was grapefruits. I had a grapefruit.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
One was a size I won't make a fish, how
big of grapefruit? A grap like this, So there's a
size of a grape food.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
It's like one of them was like this big, and
then the other ones. I had two of them like this,
and then the other ones were like tennis balls. So
they all were big.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
I don't know if you if you mind, I sure
this she sent me to pitch I did. She sent
me the picture.
Speaker 3 (32:58):
It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
I want to tell you what it looks like. Because
again I'm I'm the only boy that in my mom's family.
So I've had to walk with my mom because my
mom had had similar procedures. I had never seen anything
like this ever in my life. It looked like eight
little monsters.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
It was actually twelve. It was eight big ones and
the other ones were a little small ones. Oh yeah yeah.
But when I first got my first X ray, they
told me I had there. I had so many they
stopped counting at twelve. So I did go through a
holistic you know, to reset my gut, cleanse my body,
do a lot of things that shrunk a lot of
them but I actually had more than that. When we
(33:39):
first did the X rays, it was just like, it's
too many to count, We're not We stopped counting.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yeah, I had never seen anything like that. I mean,
they it and you can tell which one was eating
the most, Yeah, the big one. And I would and
I would even even say that the hormones had changed
and that your body wasn't taken in food, the fiber
oils was taking all of the nutrients of it. Because
(34:04):
the size of that big one I remember looking at
I brought up. I said, there's no way that was
in these.
Speaker 3 (34:09):
That's why I was trying when they showed me, I said,
where was that at? You know? But it was it
was constant pain like that was not easy to carry it,
Like when it flared, I would have to wear sweatshirts
constantly because it would look like somebody just stuck a
ball to my stomach. So a lot of times people
would see me with sweatshirts on. It wasn't because I
wanted to put them on. It's just because my stomach
(34:30):
had gotten so big and I didn't want to think
I was pregnant. So it was just like I just
constantly would wear big clothes to kind of disguise and
hide it. But yeah, it was painful. It was absolutely painful.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
Let me ask you this fee as a woman and
as a black woman that is often surrounded by women,
do you feel a lot of women because you guys
are emotional by design, but do you feel that a
lot of women don't know how to process their emotions
as well? And it shows up in a lot of
(35:05):
sicknesses in their bodies because women body is so different
from men harmonally. Have you seen that when you.
Speaker 3 (35:14):
How do people want to say no? But the truth
of the matter is, I do know that women have
a hard time expressing their emotions, and I think it's
a few reasons. Some of them feel like they've again,
they've been hiding for so long, you know. I've had
friends that no one knows anything about their personal life.
(35:35):
They want to keep everything a secret, you know. So
I feel like it's a place where they're looking for safety.
But they're also scared of something that they desire, you know.
And I think a lot of women desire intimacy, not
just from a relationship but just in friendships. But you're
scared of something that you actually desire, so you won't
even open up.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
I'm so glad you said that because I knew I
wasn't crazy. I've always said that because I used to
tell mysel so I was like, because they was like, oh, women,
we always talk, and I'm like, dude, women are honest
with each other.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
Not all the time. I said, women get to certain levels.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
And I said, listen, man, women know how to I'm
not going to use the N word. I'm just going
to say control. I don't want to use the N
word about it. But but I said, because you guys
are a lot more emotional mature than men that men
would think. You guys are opening up and you just
(36:31):
only sharing genes that you're comfortable. That's true.
Speaker 3 (36:33):
Now you're talking good now, and.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
I have and you are, and you are confirming what
I've seen and observation, which is why I think that
there's so much disease, and particularly with women of color
when it comes to black women, Because I'm thinking to myself,
and not that it's their fault or anything, but I'm saying,
are we not giving each other, yeah, grace and space
(37:00):
to truly be honest with each other? Because why are
we having so much sickness? We had doctor Shephard earlier.
And when you think about diseases, when you think about
all of the chronic illness, when you think about heart failure,
heart congestions, all these different things cancer, it's either black
men leading or black women. And I know that the
(37:22):
health inequities and the lack of care or access to care,
and then also the access to the proper information because
we're usually dealing with doctors who know medicine but don't
know culture for us. And I would love to see
(37:43):
more conversations, not about a three hundred dollars a day,
not about six figures six feet all this. Man, we
are sick.
Speaker 3 (37:53):
But I think we have not. Also, I think we
think we have, but I don't think we've extended enough
grace where people feel say to do that. I don't
think so. I think we're getting there, but I think
we still are not extending. Now. You may, on the
other hand, will right, But that's one person. I think
that we do have to do a better job, especially
(38:14):
as people of color. First, we got to get in
touch with our own emotions. Because I can't extend you
something that I haven't even done for myself, right, So
how could I give you grace, and I won't give
myself grace, So I think that we do. I think
every woman desires safety, whether again, it's not just about
being with a man. I think we naturally desire safety
(38:35):
in sisterhood and relationships, so we're looking for it. But
when I used to test the waters of safety, right,
so I was that woman. I would test the waters
with a conversation, just to see how you would handle
my vulnerability, because by nature, I've always been a very
transparent and vulnerable person. But I also know everyone doesn't
have the ability or the capacity to hold that. So
(38:57):
I would test a little bit to see how the
person responds. And I would say I would hate to
say that I did not get pleasant responses at all
from women. From women are men, but especially women. Really,
I've had a lot of more damages from women than
I have anyone.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
So but also, let's let's part there, no, because I'm.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Not and I love my sisters, right, I love it.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
I'm interested because because you often hear protect our women
and we got to use sister. But it hurts my
heart though when the most hurt is occurred by the
same woman who said I got you, sister.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
So let me say this, I don't even think that
they're aware that they're doing that. So you can be
doing something and not even.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
Be so is that is that why they won't take accountability?
Speaker 3 (39:47):
Again, I can't say everybody, because we I don't know
where you're going, where you're trying to go.
Speaker 1 (39:51):
No, no, no, I'm not I'm not going anywhere with that.
I'll let Cej go there.
Speaker 3 (39:54):
Okay, see that. But I will say, is that what
I realized, sometimes people don't even know what are doing
because if you've never met yourself, if you've never did
your own work, if you never again, you live in
your own bubble. And sometimes as a woman, I can
admit that you romanticize even friendships. So if you step
outside of my bubble and you start triggering my emotions,
(40:17):
I'm gonna cut this friendship off, this friendship off. Excuse me,
you know, I will cut this friendship off. And I've
seen that. I've had that happen multiple times. Where again,
you know, if I'm going through a season of grief
and it's like I'm not able to respond to you
in the way that made you feel good, Because sometimes
(40:38):
we are only in relationship with other people for our
own selfish benefits because you praise me, you make me
feel validated, you make me feel good. But as soon
as you stop doing that and become human, now, I
don't want to be in this relationship with you, whether
it's your friend, are your wife? A man?
Speaker 1 (40:56):
Oh this is a card for.
Speaker 3 (40:58):
Okay, Well, just what the girls say. I don't know
what they do, because what they do.
Speaker 1 (41:04):
I ain't gonna clock it. Okay, but you can clock it.
But I had to tear the cars up because that
was a word. And you see it today so much,
so rapidly. Yeah, no one is going into it for
(41:25):
what they bring to it. Yeah, they're looking for what
they can get from it.
Speaker 3 (41:29):
We are very selfish. We are very very selfish. I
mean I was just having a conversation with my friend upstairs.
It's like even when it comes to you know, things
of church, like it's what do I get? This sermon
is for me? I need you to make me feel good.
My pastor ain't there today. That's that is self seeking.
So we are in relationships because we love the adoration
(41:52):
and we love to feel good. That is not healthy
because as soon as something is outside of what you
want now, you disconnect. So I think women have a
deep desire for those relationships and vulnerability. But also when
you're so not everyone because I know, but it's not.
But it's like when you're used to wearing masks, it's
(42:12):
hard for you to even take yours off because now
yours actually feels like it's permanent, like that's who you are.
Your mask has become you, right, So yeah, it's just
it can be very interesting.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
Man, I could see the clip now, say with the
cars ripping, I'm seeing it and I'm seeing the views
go up because I've just been because that was profound.
Speaker 3 (42:43):
What makes it so profound though, and like what makes
it so profound is.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
We've become so transactional that no one knows what's transformative. Okay,
so now when there is depth, we can't lean into
it because we lived on the surface. Yeah, and now
(43:14):
that we only see surface, we're starting to interpret that
as depth, and it's just like that's not depth. Depth
means there has to be some form of revelation, that's
some form of transformative that some insight wisdom which you
is sharing is wisdom. It's not something that is that
(43:36):
that is recycled. Because you hear a lot of that
on podcasts, you're giving something profound that No, this is
learned wisdom, and.
Speaker 3 (43:47):
I think it's because I had I was that woman.
So I don't ever give my opinion about something I
have not walked through because that's not my reality. If
it's not. But I can say these things is because
I was that one, right, so I had to learn
how to I was again even when I was desiring community.
I remember I told the Lord I desire something, but
(44:07):
I'm also afraid of it because I've never love hasn't
been good to me, so I want something, but I'm
scared of them people. Every time I've come into a relationship,
women have hurt me. Right, my name means God's love,
and I remember when the Lord revealed to me what
my name meant. I said, God, I'm in a world
where people don't even know how to love. I'm always
(44:29):
gonna be mistreated because my natural instinct is to give.
And if you don't know how to receive, you'll think
I'm what You'll think I desire you, you'll think more.
And it's like, no, that's just my natural beings. So
I can say and speak freely about these things because
everything that I'm saying I was that version at one
point of my life.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Far.
Speaker 3 (44:49):
Yeah, So it's not just something I'm saying, it's something
I lived.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
And that's what gives the integrity. Gives integrity to the message,
is things that you suffered and live behind the scenes
of the message. Yeah, that's what I love about what
you're sharing. Now. You had an attempt to take your
(45:13):
life and you survived. What were your thoughts after you survived?
Speaker 3 (45:24):
You know, immediately and I brought my journal down because
I went and found it, you know, like a few
days before the attempt happened, in a couple of days after,
I was writing in this journal. But I remember I
still was thinking I'm never going to get out of this. Like,
even though the Lord like brought me through, I was
still in deep misery, deep misery. I had to stay
(45:48):
with my mother for months just to be monored.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
Right.
Speaker 3 (45:53):
I cried in our garage, I mean for hours. My
stepfather used to come outside and he and that's when
we used to have headphone because I was like twenty
one when this happened, and I would just sit in
the garage and just cry and weep. I don't know
how I kept a job, but my cubicle was in
the back. All I did for eight I was just cry.
It was actually horrible. After I didn't come to some
(46:16):
new profound like the Lord. You know. It was just
like I felt like on one hand God was assuring
me to continue, and on the other hand, the enemy
was still confirming why you should have done it, you know,
So it did not It was interesting because you know,
(46:39):
people don't talk about like what lead you there? Right,
We don't just arrive to those dolls. So again, for
someone that grew up at birth, you know, being told
that you were supposed to be an abortion, and then
you are now in a family where your addictive father
(47:02):
is now bringing misery to everyone, it's like we don't
want you either, and you grow up in that. Though
I had a loving family, it's still I felt very unwanted.
So then you try to find love through men. And
because both men on both sides of my families are
in the street life. So I grew up around drugs.
(47:24):
I grew up in the street, A date at dealers,
that's all I knew. I didn't have a desire for
any of this stuff people see. Everything people see is
literally the Lord redeeming my life, and so I was
on a fast track to hell. Let's be very clear.
And so I never forget, and I shared this with
(47:48):
you briefly. We don't talk about even the effects of abortions.
So I had an abortion at eighteen, and the father
didn't want that child either, So that's what led to
the abortion. And all of the trauma from that didn't
happen immediately. It happened two years later. So it arrived
(48:10):
at my door at twenty where my brain shut down.
I could no longer be around children. Out of the blue,
a child walked past my car and I lost it
and it was like something just clicked off. And I
used to go out like every night to the club.
You know, show up at work at six am, but
(48:31):
you going to party, go and do all things. People
look at my life now, like, oh my gosh, you're
so safe. That girl, this girl was not bad. So
I would go out a lot. And again I told you,
my father was he My father did drugs but also
sold drugs. My dad did a lot of all the things.
But I went out to a club one night and
(48:51):
was a guy that I went to school with. We're
in the nightclub. I remember he looked at me across
the room and we just somehow locked eyes and he
looked at me and was like, and I know what
that means. I'm from the street. So it was like
he walked up to me, he said, your dad saw
me some bad dope, so you know what that means.
(49:16):
And it was like something broke. I don't I can't
explain it, but it was almost like if somebody had schizophrenia.
Something in my brain broke. That day. I went into
paranoia because again I dated only drug dealers at the time,
(49:37):
and then I would get random calls like oh, we
know where you live and you know so my It
was just so much going on during that time. And
I remember I was trying to take a shower and
I couldn't even take a shower because my body was
feeled like I lit like paranoia every single day all
day long, thinking either somebody was gonna kill me, or
somebody was gonna run in my house, or you know what,
(49:59):
all the things. And I remember I just called my
mom and I just she said hello, and I said, Ma,
and I you know something about our moms, you know,
they know their children. She said, get to my house now,
and I said okay, and I ran out that house
because I could not understand what was happening, and it
was just like everything just went black. And so what
(50:23):
I realized is that I've always had a fear of
premature death since I was a child, and I feel
like the enemy thought his greatest attack was to steal
my mind at any way he could do it. And
so during that time, I would say, like the thoughts,
(50:46):
even after the attempt, they didn't stop. It probably took
another year for me to physically come out of that.
But I think that I know not. I think I
was all of my friends, I said, I remember before
the attack, it was seven days prior. I was riding
my car. It was twenty twenty one, and you kept
(51:09):
hearing like, oh, annointing, annoying, anointing, and I was like, God,
I want the anointance. I don't know what that is,
but I want it, like literally, that's what I'm saying
driving in my car. Seven days later, all hell broke loose.
That's what happened in seven days. And my life completely
changed after that. And I think in the black community,
we don't have language for those things, so I didn't
(51:31):
have support. My family loved me, but they did not
know how to support a child that had deep depression,
suicidal thoughts constantly like it. My parents were hard workers
and tough love. So it's like you got to snap
up out of it. There is no like, oh, we
(51:51):
need to get a therapist at that time, therapists for
crazy people, you know. So it was really hard trying
to maneuver, you know, a mental health crisis when nobody
has language for it.
Speaker 1 (52:05):
Yeah yeah, wow, Oh Man, to hear your journey and
how you navigate it. To be this woman that is
not only tailoring people, but a woman that had a
(52:28):
tailored life by God, with all of the trauma, with
all of the pain, to fail, suicide attempts, losing your mind,
but it feels like that God was leading you to
what you are today.
Speaker 3 (52:46):
Yeah. So I think that's the beauty I always find
in my story. Oh yeah, this, this life of mine
has hurt me greatly. Okay, let's see very clear. It
has led me very very bloody bloody. But I cannot
you know, and somebody be like, oh no, no, no,
I cannot deny to be called a friend of God.
(53:12):
All of it was worth it, and everybody can't get
there and I'm not expecting them to right, I'm not
expecting you to say like your suicide attempt was, you know,
you can see the glory in that. But what I
realized is that when I came out of that in full,
what the Lord had given me, and I want to
use it carefully, not to say just in exchange, but
(53:34):
what the Lord had given me, because again I believe
everything does work together for my good what the Lord
had given me in that moment. You can't put a
price tag on what God has given me. There's nothing
that There's no money that people could put on what
the Lord has given me. And so I think that's
(53:54):
where I always find beauty. As much as life has
tried to beat me and steal my mind constantly, I
am so grateful who the Lord has created me and
equipped me and made me to be today, and I
feel like it all had purpose. And I think, again,
(54:16):
the enemy knows that I'm a sniper, so if I
can take her mind, oh, she don't have no power,
you know what I'm saying. So it's like he tried
and tried and tried and tried. But then when the
Lord really like, I'm surprised, I used to call churches, hospitals,
trying to check myself in. Somebody helped me. Please help me,
(54:37):
help me, you know, And I never forget. After my
mom passed, I call out like every church in my city.
I need help. I feel like I'm gonna die, like,
please help me, and I never forget. I call a
church and this man said, well, honey, we don't have
any therapy sessions here, but there's a lady that talks
(54:58):
to people who deal with grief. Because again, premature death
had been something I had struggled with since I was fourteen.
So after my mom passed, I told the Lord, I
don't think I'm gonna make it past thirty. I'm either
gonna kill myself or die of a heart attack a
broken heart. There's no way I'm gonna survive this. So
when somebody talks about a sound mind, I know for
(55:22):
a fact it's only the Lord that I'm saying. I
felt my mind slip before I thought I was gonna
be on the street talking to myself, you know, And
so that's my I'm just I love God so much
because what He has given me. Yeah, I can't even
(55:46):
describe it, you know, I really can't put into words.
But I think it all works together for your good,
even when it doesn't feel good.
Speaker 1 (55:56):
Yeah, oh, man, to me to take a deep breath,
because as you're sitting here talking, I'm sitting here thinking
that my prayer every day God keep my mind. People,
y'all don't realize that there are people today that don't
(56:17):
have your right mind and they have no control. When
I'm in cities and I see people talking to themselves,
and I see people that are battling schizophrenical, back bipolar,
auditorial hallucinations, all of these different things, and I'm just thinking, man,
I'm so blessed to have my mind, because if you
(56:42):
don't have this, you have nothing. I always think about
their commercial back in the early nineties when they used
to say this is your brain, and this is your
brain on drugs, and they would drop an egg in
hot skill it and it would be frying, and they
(57:04):
would say a mind is a terrible thing in the ways. Yeah,
but a mind or a mind that is out of yourself,
it's a terrible place to be in. And I'm so
happy feed that you were here with the sound mind.
Speaker 2 (57:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (57:22):
In closing, this has been such a rich thank you
for having me. Oh, so many people are going to
be blessed. What is healing for you?
Speaker 3 (57:35):
I kind of mentioned it early, but I arrived to
the place in the scripture where it talks about again,
before you were formed in your mother's womb, I knew you.
I feel like healing to me was a return to self.
It was a return home. Yeah, it has been a
return home to the version of me that I didn't
even know. Because we think we know ourselves, we don't
(57:56):
know ourselves because you didn't form you. So I feel
like God has returned me back to the center. He's
returned me back home. I'm getting you to a place
where I knew you. Right. So that is what my
healing journey has been to me, is that it's simply
going home. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (58:16):
You heard not only just from a woman who is
tailoring people as a sancturistic stylist. You heard from a
woman who is going on a journey of rediscovering herself,
as she says it, rediscovering who she was before she
got here, because her journey was predestined. And as God
(58:39):
said in his words, I knew THEE before I formed
THEE in our mother's womb. And I love what she said,
it's returning back to your original self. It's who God
intended for you to be. I don't know where you are,
I don't know what's going on in your life, and
I just want to take this opportunity to encourage you
(59:01):
that your life is so valuable. You are hearing my
story and other stories throughout the month of September for
National Suicide Prevention Month, and we're not oblivious that these
episodes are going to save everyone, but we're hoping that
(59:21):
one person comes across this story, comes across Fee Kevin
my story and the others to hear something that encouraged
you to keep pushing that no matter the dark place
that you're in, that you find light in one of
these episodes and one of these guests as they're sharing
so deeply and so transparent about their story. And I'm
(59:45):
hoping that you that you know, without a shadow of
a doubt, that you are valuable enough to stay because
you are needed. Again. If you know someone or yourself
that are struggling with suicidal thoughts, I want to encourage
you to call nine to eight eight Suicide Prevention Hotline.
(01:00:07):
This is a month of September where we're covering stories
and sharing testimonies of those who have survived, because not
only are we here to share our stories, we're also
here to share a living example that we were able
to find life on the other side of surviving. Until
(01:00:30):
next time, remember healing is a journey and wholeness is
the destination. Take care. Just here with Doctor J, a
production of the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows, and you can follow
(01:00:52):
me at King J. Barnett on Instagram and x and
follow us on YouTube. Just Heal, Doctor J.
Speaker 2 (01:00:59):
Thanks listening and celebrating five years of the Black Effect
Podcast Network with us. Keep following because the next five
years are about to be even
Peace of the planet. Charlamagnea god here.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Before we get into today's episode, we've got to celebrate
the Black Effect Podcast Network. It's turning five years old, man,
five years of powerful voices, unforgettable moments in the community
that keeps growing.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
This is the power of the platform. Now let's get
into it. Welcome to Jesshill with Doctor j a production
of The Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Today I
am joined by for Hanni Ellis. Again. Friends, for those
of you that get tongue tied when you say names
that somebody probably should have kept. But this is a
(00:33):
name that we are going to try to say for
Honey Ellis, celebrity stylists and saintrists from Atlanta, Georgia, my
great friend. Welcome to the Hilly community. Now I got
the first name, by the way, so it's Fee from
here on out.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
It's from.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I do not want to be in any arm wrestling
with my tongue and the top of the roof of
my mouth because I feel like I need peanut butter
to be at the top of my mouth to say
that for Honey.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
I think we we can set it on fee from
here on it.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Is that correct for honey for honey. Okay, yeah, you
just got it. It's like lift of weights. You gotta
keep doing it for honey. See how you doing? Welcome good,
I'm good man. Listen, it is so good to have
you here today as we are talking about suicide prevention
(01:25):
money and we'll get into that and we'll get into
your story. But before we start the episode, I always
ask my guests not how they're fit doing, but how
are you feeling today today?
Speaker 3 (01:39):
I would have to say I'm in between. So that
means it's not bad, and I'm not necessarily it's saying
it's not good, but it's an in between of content.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
I love that. Yeah, you know what I love feet
about the answers that my guests give. It is such
a wide range of response and no one gives a
manufactured response. No one is like, oh, I'm blessing holy
favor of the Lord. The Lord is my shepherd and
I shall not want here's my rock and cause me
(02:12):
like be real, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Yeah, in between. I think sometimes it's okay just to
be there.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
So yeah, in fact, I believe we live in between,
to be honest, and I don't think I'm gonna say
this the older I get I realize life is so gray.
Yeah it is, and it's not as black as white
as we wish for it to be. It is really great.
(02:40):
I think we live in between, the gaps, in between
the spaces. As what you're saying, I agree. So for you,
as you're saying, you're in between, if you can kind
of attach that to a picture, paint a picture for
what that looks like.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
I think it's rainbows. It sounds funny to say, but
there's rainbows with rain. So some days it's bright, it's beautiful,
but then there's some days where the drop comes. And
I think I've learned to like learn how to live
in between and not automatically deem the dark or the
clouds or the rain as something bad. It's like I've
(03:18):
just learned how to just be content and acceptance of
what life brings every day. So I think, if it's
a weird answer to give, but that's my answer, why
is it weird? It's not the normal answer?
Speaker 1 (03:32):
No, no, no. The me is saying, why are you
naming it weird?
Speaker 3 (03:36):
Because I think you you try to make people comfortable
with the answer, right, Oh, I mean, but that's the
that's the truth.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
You know, I know, but don't make nobody comfortable. This
is about you, yeah, this is this is your moment,
this is your time.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
I got you. So what I would say, it's rain,
It's rainbows and rain. But that's the beauty of it.
I think that's what's beautiful about life to me. It's
a mixture of too.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
I love to talk about the duality of holding bold
and not feeling like you have to drop one for
the other. That I can be happy over here and
it's sad. If I was to ask myself how I'm feeling,
I think earlier I said I felt encouraged. I would
(04:19):
say in this moment, because I feel something different with
each guest, I would say in the moment that I'm
feeling with you, I'm feeling grateful. And I would say
that I'm feeling grateful because I know we have been
talking a lot about connecting and working, but I'm feeling
grateful because I've had an opportunity to sit with the
(04:42):
other guests, and each guest has brought something different to
this community of healing. And I'm grateful that your story
gets to be on a platform that is encouraging people
to heal and.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
I appreciate you for having me because I think that
it is important for these stories. I think a lot
of times people look at what you look like and
that's not the picture. That's the picture we wanted you
to see, but it's not the picture that's there, you know.
So I love you as you know we were friends.
But I also appreciate you sharing your platform with me
to do that outside of what people normally see, because
(05:20):
it's not just close and all those things. So I
appreciate what you're.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Doing absolutely, and I want to go there because you
and I talk a lot about that, about being seen
and for most people, like when they go to your
social media, they see you tailoring outfits for celebrities to
fit their bodies, to fit their unique style, to fit
(05:45):
their unique look and personality. And it's easy for folks
to give fee this sort of life because you're around
celebrities and stars, but missing who you really are as
a person. And be honesty man, because you know I'm
(06:05):
gonna you know, I'm gonna asks a hard.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Thing and I don't give you the truth.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
One thing does does that bother you?
Speaker 3 (06:10):
It does bother me because I'm so much more than that, right,
but I think I came into it with a mask,
so people what you present is what people then start
to address you as. And so you know, when I
came into this, I wasn't fully confident as for Hani
because Forhani had a lot of inadequacies. For Hanni had
(06:31):
a lot of things and problems. So I came in
and saying, Oh, I'm gonna give myself all to ego.
She's feed. This is what she looks like, this is
how she carries herself, this is her demeanor, this is
what we're going for. So if you constantly present that
to the people that's in front of you, that's gonna
how they're gonna address you. But as I started to heal,
Forhani started to emerge and she started to have an
issue with the mask, right, And so I think what
(06:55):
became interesting about my job. What I love is God
allows me to see the flaws of everyone, the stuff
that nobody gets to see behind closed stores. He allows
me to see them, their imperfections, their bodies, things they
you know, try to dress up. I get to see
the real them. So I feel like God gave me
a gift for somebody who never felt seen. He gave
(07:17):
me eyes to see everybody, whether it's natural or spiritual. Like, so,
I think it's very It's been a very interesting journey
with Taylor and all of that.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
But yeah, you know, because I knew our episode would
be different because we we've read well but not beyond that.
But our spiritual intelligence and spiritual gifting allow us to
go deeper and transcend the surface and reach in the
opulence of a conversation in text, how is it that
(07:56):
we can see others and never be seen. Won't you
sit with that before we start, because that's nothing like
feeling invisible scene for your gift, but invisible for who
(08:16):
you really are.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
M and I could sit there for some time. So
I think the me now thinks that can be beauty, right,
because it's like your superpower. God gives you eyes to
see past the surface. God gives you eyes to see
what people try to dress up, what they try to hide.
(08:41):
The eyes never lie, so I can look at somebody
and tell what is going on, whether they ever speak
a word to me, I've seen it and so. But
on the flip side, you have this gift, but then
you're also invisible to most people because your job description
doesn't look like it's attractive, so they can constantly overlook you,
they constantly overstep you. So you know that you have
(09:02):
something amazing that the Lord has given you, but yet
it's invisible to everyone else around you. So I think
for me it has been hard. It's been a struggle
at times because it's like God, you call me friend,
do you give me so many things? But yet it's
almost like I'm invisible. But I think it's a form
of protection. So I think when I say I've learned
to live in like you said, the duality of something
(09:25):
that in between, I have to realize that it's God's protection.
It's not for me to try to figure it out anymore,
even though it's uncomfortable. I'll be lying if I say
it's not. But I think that I can't rush to
be seen because the wrong exposure could dim my lights, right,
it could cause me to go another way. And so
(09:46):
I think I'm learning that it's okay not to be seen,
and at the appointed time, God will make that thing
be known. And whatever capacity that looks like.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
I love that because what I hear is the benefit
of obscurity. Absolutely, there's a great benefit to obscurity. I
think were living in a world where people are dying
to be seen. Yeah, they're dying for attention, they're dying
for acceptance, they're dying for validation. And what I'm hearing
(10:19):
from you is that you learn how to rest in obscurity.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
Yeah, And nobody talks about that because Jesus had a
season of obscurity, right. We hear about him at thirteen
and then we don't hear about him again into thirty three.
There's a season of unknown. So I think it's like
we have a model in front of us that we
constantly keep ignoring, and there's a pressure like, oh, I
want somebody to see me. But it's like again, I
think in my life, I've just come to radical acceptance.
(10:45):
It has not always been here. I have had many
disagreements with the Lord about it. But I think getting
to this place this year is that we all have
to endure a season of obscurity because if you are
presented too soon, your mission will be aborted.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
So and also too Radical Acceptance by Tary Bratch is
a really great book. There are some principles that she
talks about that are associated with the Buddhists, Buddhism and again,
whatever your faith is. It's a really great book. And
it's a really great book because most people they're not
(11:30):
just struggling with who they are, they're struggling with accepting
the radical parts of them, that radical part of you
that doesn't make sense, the radical part of you that
you were just like, well, this doesn't look like everyone else,
So just wanted to throw that in that. That's a
really great book that I often recommend for clients who
are challenged in the area of accepting themselves totally. I
(11:54):
mean all of it, not the parts that you like,
except that the parts that you would rather put on
gloves to touch. It's a really great book. Obscurity is
necessary because fee there was a season that I was
an echo before God made me a voice. And can
(12:14):
I tell you I wish I could go back to
being an echo again. Yeah, because people don't realize once
He presents you what that comes with. I can tell
you right now, David promatly enjoyed his time in the
field because the moment that he was annoyted, he now
had to deal with Sauls insecurities. And we don't realize
(12:37):
that when God is hiding us in a season that
is the time that you just be still and just
lean into it and stop fighting to be seen because
you not being seen. It's actual form of protection because
if you go before your time prematurely. I would even
go as far as to say, is that if you
(12:58):
get something before it's time, it could be a curse.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
So let me ask you. I mean, as you were talking,
I thought about this. It's like, do you feel like
you came to that revelation after you got there?
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Meaning I got to this. I was I got to
this revelation during my time of obscurity because I never
wanted to be seen. I never Membishop Jakes was having
a conversation and he said I was just doing what
I was doing and God breathed on it. And I
(13:34):
was like, dangn me too, bit like I was really
just chilling. Here's how it happened with me. So I
moved to Dallas because I felt it was time to
leave Houston. And anybody knows my story knows what twenty
eighteen was for me coming out of mortualists relationship. So
when I get to Dallas, I hide, and hiding was
(13:59):
so I mean, it was the best thing for me
to hide. But I also felt God knew, Negro I
know why you hiding. I didn't want to be seen
because I also didn't want to have to answer anybody's questions.
So being seen for me wasn't so I can be
on a platform being seen for me. It's like, man,
(14:21):
I don't even want to give you an explanation of
why I made the decision that I made. So I'm
in hiding for two years. While I'm in hiding, one
day July twenty twenty one, I'm in private practice. I'm
just seeing clients and I'm doing a few interviews here,
(14:41):
doing a little speaking of here and there. And I said, God,
this is cool with me. Brother, I say, ain't got
to deal with nigroes. I ain't got to be on
nobody's platform. I ain't got to be looked at as
being this person. I said, this is cool. I'm in
the shower and God said it's time. I said, uh uh.
(15:04):
He said it's time. I broke down and cried so bad.
He said I'm getting ready to present you to the world.
And I begged him please yeah, because I knew what
it would come with. And a month later, I get
(15:25):
a call for a job in usc to be the
first black sports therapist at the University of Southern California.
I am a huge USC fan, and I said, oh, man, okay,
if this is what scene is, I'm cool with this.
I can go be a trojan. I can you know
(15:47):
what I'm saying. God had them folks call me. I
went through six weeks of interviews out of the top
ten psychologists and psych therapists that they were interviewing counselors me,
I said, I'll be daub On.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Then God told me not to take the job. I said, oh,
what are you doing? Then I had to go back
resind my master's degree and get into the master's program again.
Because you can't practice in California with forty five credential hours,
you have to have sixty. So I get back into
my master's program, have to do a fifteen additional hours,
(16:26):
which is another two years in school. I did it
in five months. Literally lost my mind get to the program.
In the end, the people said, okay, Jay, you want
to come to California. I said, well, God told me
not to come. Lady send Jay, what's going on? And
you play toy with us? I said, man. So the
(16:48):
five courses that I had to take. It was additional
information and coursework that God turned and turn us for
my skill sets and my credential. Here's the other part.
I said, God, why don't you have many take this?
He said, because what you got in these five courses
is what you're gonna need for the world, not for
(17:08):
the university. Come on, now, I'm really upset.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Because if he would have told you that, you wouldn't
have did it anyway.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
No, and I wouldn't did it because I'm like, dude,
I'm okay with standing in my mind. This is this
is why people who were wanting to be seeing scared
of me.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
But that's why I love what you're saying is because
so let's be honest. There the reason why the Lord
didn't allow exposure to hit me in a way because
there was pride there. God had to wring my heart
out before he presents me in front of anywhere. There
can be any selfish ambition. There can't even be any
pride because what He has given me is not just
about clothes. It's setting people free. So if you desire
(17:48):
that platform, you're gonna now take praise and that's gonna
boost you, that's gonna give you more pride more selfish ambition.
But what you're saying is I didn't even desire this.
This is one he's on my radar. So the Lord
can trust you when it's not even something that you
even want to step into. So if God would have
really told you what the plan was, you wouldn't have
did it because you were trying to hide. Yeah, you
(18:10):
don't want nobody to see you, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (18:12):
Like, yeah, because I've seen the platform expose people who
are underdeveloping their character because they're so infatuated with their gifts.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Yeah, and that's why I think you have to do.
You have to go on your journey. Right. So the
Lord has really dealt with me over the last two years.
I have been walking with the Lord for a very
very long time. But it wasn't until I asked the
Lord to give me the desires that he has and
to allow me to hate the things that he hates,
and it was like my heart literally transforms.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Right.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
And what has been interesting is the Lord told me
in twenty the end of twenty twenty three, I'm giving
you a favorable departure. I didn't know what that meant. Okay,
all I knew is my work like this upside down.
I'm not gonna allow you to keep abandoning yourself. I'm
not gonna allow you to keep prostituting your gift because see,
(19:06):
I came from a place of unworthiness where I had
a lot of inadequacies, and so because I dealt with
rejection in abandon a lot, and I didn't want to
be homeless. You call me, I'm going, see we got
this type of money. Can you go out of town.
I'm not asking the Lord nothing, I'm going wherever the
money go. And the Lord told me, you're prostituting your gift.
I'm giving you a favorable departure. This is ending the
(19:29):
last two years of my life. So that's how I
got to radical acceptance. I didn't just arrive there. It
was a fight to get there because the Lord would
not allow me to keep abandoning myself at the sake
of other people. And if there's a work to be done,
so we have to. If you won't leave, I'm gonna
make them leave you. This has completely is that how
(19:49):
it happened, exactly how it happens.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
So people stopped, so people stopped saving.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Yeah, I had a disagreement with one of my main clients,
which housed about sixteen clients. So with that one particular company,
I had sixteen of my major clients, a list celebrities
underneath that umbrella. But I was tired. See what people
don't realize is that, yes, it's pretty and by nature,
(20:14):
I'm a black and white person. So if I'm on,
I'm owned, and we're gonna ride until we ride, right.
But I think it was also killing me. It was
leading me deeper in a hole. And because I had
dealt with, you know, suicidal thoughts, all those different things depression,
that enemy knew like all I gotta do is keep
wearing her out her greatest fear show and never want
to be homeless again. So I'm gonna keep just giving
(20:34):
them money. I'm gonna keep I'm gonna keep her on
this stream. And it was literally like if I would
have went another year the way I went in twenty
twenty three, I traveled ten months out of the year.
For those other two months, I barely had any sleep.
I had gained about forty five pounds. I was. I
was extremely depressed, but I knew I couldn't allow myself
(20:57):
to get too depressed because I had been there before,
so I knew what that looked like. But I remember
the Lord allowed everyone to walk away, and he told me,
I'm giving you favorable departure, And I said, what's favorable
about this? Lord? Nothing about this looks favorable. Everything about
this looks absolutely insane. It was the best thing that
ever happened to me because in all of that, God,
(21:22):
it introduced me to a version of myself when we
talk about in the scripture before before you reform, I
knew you. God took me back to I knew you,
meaning before the world got their hands on you. I'm
sending you back to your default setting. That was the
best thing the Lord could have did, was let all
them people walk away from me like the best. I
(21:43):
have no regrets. Was it ugly? Absolutely. I think I've
cried more in the last seven months that I've done
in years. But do I regret it? No.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
When you and thank you for sharing, because this is
so rich and I'm hoping somebody is healing from you sharing.
Because sometimes we're afraid to lead the very thing that's
sucking the life out of us because we feel that
it's given us life. Because we'll feel that it's giving
(22:16):
us life because it's given us a paycheck, or because
he's present. Well, I know he don't love me, but
at least I got a man. So it's better to
have a piece of a man than no man at all. Well, well,
she talked to me crazy, but at least she's cooking
for me. We attach ourselves to things that are literally
sucking the life out of us, and we're afraid to
(22:38):
lead because we think it's a life giver for you.
When you realize this thing.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
Is killing me, yeah, but I knew for a long time, right,
But again, when you so, and you know a little
of my story, when you've had as many's laws as
I've had in my life and has been through as
much grief as I have, I think I was just
looking for acceptance. So whoever gave it to me, I
(23:09):
went right whether it was work, and most of the
time it was work. It's like, oh, this feels like community.
Because not only did my mother pass my so my mother,
my step mother, and my spiritual mother all passed at
fifty one. My step my spiritual mom passed first. Two
years later my mom passed, then my grandmother passed. After
(23:31):
my mother passed, we had three. I had three deaths,
whether it's friends or family for the next eleven years,
and then my stepmother dad. So I've been through a
lot of grief and a lot of abandment. Unfortunately, after
my mom passed, my stepfather also disconnected. This is a
man who raised me. So at that point, I was
just looking for acceptance. Somebody loved me, right, and it
(23:55):
was work. They pump you up. It's like, oh, fee
fee this, you're wrong. I'm good at my job. But
when you are at a deficit and people praise you
like that, it'll keep you entanglements that you did not
sign up for, right, And so that's what was happening.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Yeah, Pauls, that's what Charlemagne will say when he say
so crazy. This is a moment for pause. But I'm
saying pause because that is deeply profound. When you are at.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
A deficit, a deficit, it'll leads you to nothing but danger.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Yeah, how long had you been in a deficit? Feet
my whole life?
Speaker 3 (24:38):
Right, I started at a deficit from the womb. Right,
So you know, I love I think I have two incredible,
amazing parents. My mother is no longer here, but my
mother was a beautiful woman, and my father is an
amazing man, right, But when you kind of deal with
(24:58):
your own inadequate season insecurities, we don't realize that we
passed those down to our children. So from birth I
struggled with worthiness and acceptance. And then because my father
he dealt with a drug addiction for twenty five years
of my life, I always felt like we were the
has beens. You know, Oh, every time you look at me,
(25:19):
your daddy stole our stuff yesterday, you know. So I
dealt with a lot of unworthiness and so it had
been there for a long time, and then you get
a little money on top of it, a little success,
a little exposure. It was like, oh, it's like a drug.
Just keep me in it, Like, okay, we travel today,
we're going to hear and again it was amazing. It
exposed me to be cause I think it's great to
(25:40):
have that level of exposure to a degree, but if
you are deficit, it's just as addictive as anything else.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
It is. Yeah, as you were talking about the deficit
and talking about the sort of stream that keeps you
coming back, I thought back to last year when I
was on tour, because I think when you and I
both were at the time just kind of telling each
(26:09):
other rest They framed be resting, and we both are
things like, oh, there needs to be on somebody's count.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
Crazy.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Yeah, And I realized last November. Last October, I was
on stage at the Potter's House as a man thinking
and I share something on stage that I never shared,
and I shared it because I felt led to for
the men to be free. But when I shared it,
(26:40):
it set them free. But I felt even more bound
because it was also something that was laying dormant for
came up in a moment because I needed to get
these men free. But also I felt like it was
a trigger instantaneously as I released it. And then I've
realized I've been getting up on stage in front of
these men out of a deficit, and not because I
(27:01):
wasn't healed, but because there was a deficit emotionally, and
when we're in a deficit emotionally, it would break us
down physically. That next month, I checked myself into an institution.
The next month, I developed vertigo, developed I took sick
(27:22):
and couldn't even explain what was happening. I'm sitting on
my couch last December and I'm in so much pain
because I had a double ear infection that uh, the
vertigo was was was well, that caused a vertigo because
of the fluid on my ear and I'm crying in pain.
(27:46):
We having to call the doctor to get more pain
ass because what they gave me wasn't working. And it
wasn't until I went in and see to see doctor Gill,
and she says, Jay, your immune systems compromise. You've been
going and going and going, and here's what nobody talks about.
(28:06):
When you going and going like that. I don't care
how much you work out. Your body ain't doing nothing.
It will fight against it will.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
Fight against itself, you know. And what I realized, so
how I found out that I had you know, we
mentioned even the fibroids. How I found out I had
had fibroids was I was working out and I told
my trainer. I was like, something's wrong. Like I don't
really know what's going on, but I knew like when
I stress, I physically hold stress in my stomach. I've
(28:35):
always like suppressed and put the stress in my stomach
at that time, and I was like, yeah, something's just wrong.
And I remember it was almost like a something was
just jabbing me at that point, and I go to
the emergency room and my you know, my trainer he
had got here like me, you probably just can't pay
or something, you know. So I go to the emergency
room and the doctor does the x rays. He comes back,
(28:57):
he said, mister Elis, you have fibroids. Who got fibroids?
Not me? And he said, yeah, miss ls f fibriars
you have. I think at the time they had saw
eights and so you have eight fibroids. And he gave
me the size and I was like, that's crazy. So
long story. Sure, I went to go do my research
and I since my after my mother passed, I started
(29:18):
to research emotions and diseases, what emotions are connected to
certain diseases. So after my mother passed. My mother passed
of pancreatic cancer. After she passed, and I researched that
particular emotion. It's where someone feels unloved, they don't know
how to receive love, they feel unworthy. I knew that
was my mother because of the conversations we had, so
(29:40):
I knew that the emotions that they described, those are
things that she directly dealt with at a adult. And
so when I started to research up on fibroids. It
was suppressing creativity and joy. You don't know how to
let go like it would start describing all these things,
and I also knew that was me right, And so
(30:00):
when I really started to look at those things, that's
when I realized it wasn't just about changing my diet.
It was about changing my life. And it started with
my mind first, and it started with not just the
physical things. I had to declutter everything because I watched
a disease kill my mom. I wasn't gonna let it
(30:21):
kill me.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
You also had to begin to release that.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
Traumas absolutely because it's store trauma.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
And the store trauma. Let me tell you people that
this is for men and women, and particularly for women
because of the way your bodies are made. Trauma in
a woman's body would change your hormones, It would change
the way your brain process and receive messages. It would
have you living in a fight or flight state, and
(30:51):
you don't know it, but your body is responding as
if you're in a constant fight with something, and that
can metascas side into certain diseases because you are disase.
So just wanted to give that because the more. You know,
we don't have enough time to talk about the science
(31:12):
of what she's sharing. Most of what we've done in
research from a clinical perspective, every disease has been attached
to something emotional that has not been processed. And when
you don't process, it's processed through your body in a sickness.
Speaker 3 (31:29):
Yeah. Absolutely, like that is that's one hundred percent. You know.
I was someone that because I had dealt with so
much trauma and grief, I wouldn't even say trauma was
just a lot of grief that I always was scanning
for danger. So my body was either in a functional
freeze fight flight, you know, and it was a constant
(31:50):
so you're talking about for twelve years, I stayed like that.
It wasn't until two years ago that I started to
really guests get to a point where it's like, yeah,
I'm not going to do this because again, if you
don't change, we can think something won't take us out,
but it actually will, right.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
So Yeah, and then the other part of that is
when you're in a fight or flight state, it feeds
whatever it's eating. And this is why you'll see women
who have fibers tuning. They'll be the growth of a softball.
Speaker 3 (32:27):
Mine was grapefruits. I had a grapefruit.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
One was a size I won't make a fish, how
big of grapefruit? A grap like this, So there's a
size of a grape food.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
It's like one of them was like this big, and
then the other ones. I had two of them like this,
and then the other ones were like tennis balls. So
they all were big.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
I don't know if you if you mind, I sure
this she sent me to pitch I did. She sent
me the picture.
Speaker 3 (32:58):
It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
I want to tell you what it looks like. Because
again I'm I'm the only boy that in my mom's family.
So I've had to walk with my mom because my
mom had had similar procedures. I had never seen anything
like this ever in my life. It looked like eight
little monsters.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
It was actually twelve. It was eight big ones and
the other ones were a little small ones. Oh yeah yeah.
But when I first got my first X ray, they
told me I had there. I had so many they
stopped counting at twelve. So I did go through a
holistic you know, to reset my gut, cleanse my body,
do a lot of things that shrunk a lot of
them but I actually had more than that. When we
(33:39):
first did the X rays, it was just like, it's
too many to count, We're not We stopped counting.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yeah, I had never seen anything like that. I mean,
they it and you can tell which one was eating
the most, Yeah, the big one. And I would and
I would even even say that the hormones had changed
and that your body wasn't taken in food, the fiber
oils was taking all of the nutrients of it. Because
(34:04):
the size of that big one I remember looking at
I brought up. I said, there's no way that was
in these.
Speaker 3 (34:09):
That's why I was trying when they showed me, I said,
where was that at? You know? But it was it
was constant pain like that was not easy to carry it,
Like when it flared, I would have to wear sweatshirts
constantly because it would look like somebody just stuck a
ball to my stomach. So a lot of times people
would see me with sweatshirts on. It wasn't because I
wanted to put them on. It's just because my stomach
(34:30):
had gotten so big and I didn't want to think
I was pregnant. So it was just like I just
constantly would wear big clothes to kind of disguise and
hide it. But yeah, it was painful. It was absolutely painful.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
Let me ask you this fee as a woman and
as a black woman that is often surrounded by women,
do you feel a lot of women because you guys
are emotional by design, but do you feel that a
lot of women don't know how to process their emotions
as well? And it shows up in a lot of
(35:05):
sicknesses in their bodies because women body is so different
from men harmonally. Have you seen that when you.
Speaker 3 (35:14):
How do people want to say no? But the truth
of the matter is, I do know that women have
a hard time expressing their emotions, and I think it's
a few reasons. Some of them feel like they've again,
they've been hiding for so long, you know. I've had
friends that no one knows anything about their personal life.
(35:35):
They want to keep everything a secret, you know. So
I feel like it's a place where they're looking for safety.
But they're also scared of something that they desire, you know.
And I think a lot of women desire intimacy, not
just from a relationship but just in friendships. But you're
scared of something that you actually desire, so you won't
even open up.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
I'm so glad you said that because I knew I
wasn't crazy. I've always said that because I used to
tell mysel so I was like, because they was like, oh, women,
we always talk, and I'm like, dude, women are honest
with each other.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
Not all the time. I said, women get to certain levels.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
And I said, listen, man, women know how to I'm
not going to use the N word. I'm just going
to say control. I don't want to use the N
word about it. But but I said, because you guys
are a lot more emotional mature than men that men
would think. You guys are opening up and you just
(36:31):
only sharing genes that you're comfortable. That's true.
Speaker 3 (36:33):
Now you're talking good now, and.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
I have and you are, and you are confirming what
I've seen and observation, which is why I think that
there's so much disease, and particularly with women of color
when it comes to black women, Because I'm thinking to myself,
and not that it's their fault or anything, but I'm saying,
are we not giving each other, yeah, grace and space
(37:00):
to truly be honest with each other? Because why are
we having so much sickness? We had doctor Shephard earlier.
And when you think about diseases, when you think about
all of the chronic illness, when you think about heart failure,
heart congestions, all these different things cancer, it's either black
men leading or black women. And I know that the
(37:22):
health inequities and the lack of care or access to care,
and then also the access to the proper information because
we're usually dealing with doctors who know medicine but don't
know culture for us. And I would love to see
(37:43):
more conversations, not about a three hundred dollars a day,
not about six figures six feet all this. Man, we
are sick.
Speaker 3 (37:53):
But I think we have not. Also, I think we
think we have, but I don't think we've extended enough
grace where people feel say to do that. I don't
think so. I think we're getting there, but I think
we still are not extending. Now. You may, on the
other hand, will right, But that's one person. I think
that we do have to do a better job, especially
(38:14):
as people of color. First, we got to get in
touch with our own emotions. Because I can't extend you
something that I haven't even done for myself, right, So
how could I give you grace, and I won't give
myself grace, So I think that we do. I think
every woman desires safety, whether again, it's not just about
being with a man. I think we naturally desire safety
(38:35):
in sisterhood and relationships, so we're looking for it. But
when I used to test the waters of safety, right,
so I was that woman. I would test the waters
with a conversation, just to see how you would handle
my vulnerability, because by nature, I've always been a very
transparent and vulnerable person. But I also know everyone doesn't
have the ability or the capacity to hold that. So
(38:57):
I would test a little bit to see how the
person responds. And I would say I would hate to
say that I did not get pleasant responses at all
from women. From women are men, but especially women. Really,
I've had a lot of more damages from women than
I have anyone.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
So but also, let's let's part there, no, because I'm.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Not and I love my sisters, right, I love it.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
I'm interested because because you often hear protect our women
and we got to use sister. But it hurts my
heart though when the most hurt is occurred by the
same woman who said I got you, sister.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
So let me say this, I don't even think that
they're aware that they're doing that. So you can be
doing something and not even.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
Be so is that is that why they won't take accountability?
Speaker 3 (39:47):
Again, I can't say everybody, because we I don't know
where you're going, where you're trying to go.
Speaker 1 (39:51):
No, no, no, I'm not I'm not going anywhere with that.
I'll let Cej go there.
Speaker 3 (39:54):
Okay, see that. But I will say, is that what
I realized, sometimes people don't even know what are doing
because if you've never met yourself, if you've never did
your own work, if you never again, you live in
your own bubble. And sometimes as a woman, I can
admit that you romanticize even friendships. So if you step
outside of my bubble and you start triggering my emotions,
(40:17):
I'm gonna cut this friendship off, this friendship off. Excuse me,
you know, I will cut this friendship off. And I've
seen that. I've had that happen multiple times. Where again,
you know, if I'm going through a season of grief
and it's like I'm not able to respond to you
in the way that made you feel good, Because sometimes
(40:38):
we are only in relationship with other people for our
own selfish benefits because you praise me, you make me
feel validated, you make me feel good. But as soon
as you stop doing that and become human, now, I
don't want to be in this relationship with you, whether
it's your friend, are your wife? A man?
Speaker 1 (40:56):
Oh this is a card for.
Speaker 3 (40:58):
Okay, Well, just what the girls say. I don't know
what they do, because what they do.
Speaker 1 (41:04):
I ain't gonna clock it. Okay, but you can clock it.
But I had to tear the cars up because that
was a word. And you see it today so much,
so rapidly. Yeah, no one is going into it for
(41:25):
what they bring to it. Yeah, they're looking for what
they can get from it.
Speaker 3 (41:29):
We are very selfish. We are very very selfish. I
mean I was just having a conversation with my friend upstairs.
It's like even when it comes to you know, things
of church, like it's what do I get? This sermon
is for me? I need you to make me feel good.
My pastor ain't there today. That's that is self seeking.
So we are in relationships because we love the adoration
(41:52):
and we love to feel good. That is not healthy
because as soon as something is outside of what you
want now, you disconnect. So I think women have a
deep desire for those relationships and vulnerability. But also when
you're so not everyone because I know, but it's not.
But it's like when you're used to wearing masks, it's
(42:12):
hard for you to even take yours off because now
yours actually feels like it's permanent, like that's who you are.
Your mask has become you, right, So yeah, it's just
it can be very interesting.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
Man, I could see the clip now, say with the
cars ripping, I'm seeing it and I'm seeing the views
go up because I've just been because that was profound.
Speaker 3 (42:43):
What makes it so profound though, and like what makes
it so profound is.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
We've become so transactional that no one knows what's transformative. Okay,
so now when there is depth, we can't lean into
it because we lived on the surface. Yeah, and now
(43:14):
that we only see surface, we're starting to interpret that
as depth, and it's just like that's not depth. Depth
means there has to be some form of revelation, that's
some form of transformative that some insight wisdom which you
is sharing is wisdom. It's not something that is that
(43:36):
that is recycled. Because you hear a lot of that
on podcasts, you're giving something profound that No, this is
learned wisdom, and.
Speaker 3 (43:47):
I think it's because I had I was that woman.
So I don't ever give my opinion about something I
have not walked through because that's not my reality. If
it's not. But I can say these things is because
I was that one, right, so I had to learn
how to I was again even when I was desiring community.
I remember I told the Lord I desire something, but
(44:07):
I'm also afraid of it because I've never love hasn't
been good to me, so I want something, but I'm
scared of them people. Every time I've come into a relationship,
women have hurt me. Right, my name means God's love,
and I remember when the Lord revealed to me what
my name meant. I said, God, I'm in a world
where people don't even know how to love. I'm always
(44:29):
gonna be mistreated because my natural instinct is to give.
And if you don't know how to receive, you'll think
I'm what You'll think I desire you, you'll think more.
And it's like, no, that's just my natural beings. So
I can say and speak freely about these things because
everything that I'm saying I was that version at one
point of my life.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Far.
Speaker 3 (44:49):
Yeah, So it's not just something I'm saying, it's something
I lived.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
And that's what gives the integrity. Gives integrity to the message,
is things that you suffered and live behind the scenes
of the message. Yeah, that's what I love about what
you're sharing. Now. You had an attempt to take your
(45:13):
life and you survived. What were your thoughts after you survived?
Speaker 3 (45:24):
You know, immediately and I brought my journal down because
I went and found it, you know, like a few
days before the attempt happened, in a couple of days after,
I was writing in this journal. But I remember I
still was thinking I'm never going to get out of this. Like,
even though the Lord like brought me through, I was
still in deep misery, deep misery. I had to stay
(45:48):
with my mother for months just to be monored.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
Right.
Speaker 3 (45:53):
I cried in our garage, I mean for hours. My
stepfather used to come outside and he and that's when
we used to have headphone because I was like twenty
one when this happened, and I would just sit in
the garage and just cry and weep. I don't know
how I kept a job, but my cubicle was in
the back. All I did for eight I was just cry.
It was actually horrible. After I didn't come to some
(46:16):
new profound like the Lord. You know. It was just
like I felt like on one hand God was assuring
me to continue, and on the other hand, the enemy
was still confirming why you should have done it, you know,
So it did not It was interesting because you know,
(46:39):
people don't talk about like what lead you there? Right,
We don't just arrive to those dolls. So again, for
someone that grew up at birth, you know, being told
that you were supposed to be an abortion, and then
you are now in a family where your addictive father
(47:02):
is now bringing misery to everyone, it's like we don't
want you either, and you grow up in that. Though
I had a loving family, it's still I felt very unwanted.
So then you try to find love through men. And
because both men on both sides of my families are
in the street life. So I grew up around drugs.
(47:24):
I grew up in the street, A date at dealers,
that's all I knew. I didn't have a desire for
any of this stuff people see. Everything people see is
literally the Lord redeeming my life, and so I was
on a fast track to hell. Let's be very clear.
And so I never forget, and I shared this with
(47:48):
you briefly. We don't talk about even the effects of abortions.
So I had an abortion at eighteen, and the father
didn't want that child either, So that's what led to
the abortion. And all of the trauma from that didn't
happen immediately. It happened two years later. So it arrived
(48:10):
at my door at twenty where my brain shut down.
I could no longer be around children. Out of the blue,
a child walked past my car and I lost it
and it was like something just clicked off. And I
used to go out like every night to the club.
You know, show up at work at six am, but
(48:31):
you going to party, go and do all things. People
look at my life now, like, oh my gosh, you're
so safe. That girl, this girl was not bad. So
I would go out a lot. And again I told you,
my father was he My father did drugs but also
sold drugs. My dad did a lot of all the things.
But I went out to a club one night and
(48:51):
was a guy that I went to school with. We're
in the nightclub. I remember he looked at me across
the room and we just somehow locked eyes and he
looked at me and was like, and I know what
that means. I'm from the street. So it was like
he walked up to me, he said, your dad saw
me some bad dope, so you know what that means.
(49:16):
And it was like something broke. I don't I can't
explain it, but it was almost like if somebody had schizophrenia.
Something in my brain broke. That day. I went into
paranoia because again I dated only drug dealers at the time,
(49:37):
and then I would get random calls like oh, we
know where you live and you know so my It
was just so much going on during that time. And
I remember I was trying to take a shower and
I couldn't even take a shower because my body was
feeled like I lit like paranoia every single day all
day long, thinking either somebody was gonna kill me, or
somebody was gonna run in my house, or you know what,
(49:59):
all the things. And I remember I just called my
mom and I just she said hello, and I said, Ma,
and I you know something about our moms, you know,
they know their children. She said, get to my house now,
and I said okay, and I ran out that house
because I could not understand what was happening, and it
was just like everything just went black. And so what
(50:23):
I realized is that I've always had a fear of
premature death since I was a child, and I feel
like the enemy thought his greatest attack was to steal
my mind at any way he could do it. And
so during that time, I would say, like the thoughts,
(50:46):
even after the attempt, they didn't stop. It probably took
another year for me to physically come out of that.
But I think that I know not. I think I
was all of my friends, I said, I remember before
the attack, it was seven days prior. I was riding
my car. It was twenty twenty one, and you kept
(51:09):
hearing like, oh, annointing, annoying, anointing, and I was like, God,
I want the anointance. I don't know what that is,
but I want it, like literally, that's what I'm saying
driving in my car. Seven days later, all hell broke loose.
That's what happened in seven days. And my life completely
changed after that. And I think in the black community,
we don't have language for those things, so I didn't
(51:31):
have support. My family loved me, but they did not
know how to support a child that had deep depression,
suicidal thoughts constantly like it. My parents were hard workers
and tough love. So it's like you got to snap
up out of it. There is no like, oh, we
(51:51):
need to get a therapist at that time, therapists for
crazy people, you know. So it was really hard trying
to maneuver, you know, a mental health crisis when nobody
has language for it.
Speaker 1 (52:05):
Yeah yeah, wow, Oh Man, to hear your journey and
how you navigate it. To be this woman that is
not only tailoring people, but a woman that had a
(52:28):
tailored life by God, with all of the trauma, with
all of the pain, to fail, suicide attempts, losing your mind,
but it feels like that God was leading you to
what you are today.
Speaker 3 (52:46):
Yeah. So I think that's the beauty I always find
in my story. Oh yeah, this, this life of mine
has hurt me greatly. Okay, let's see very clear. It
has led me very very bloody bloody. But I cannot
you know, and somebody be like, oh no, no, no,
I cannot deny to be called a friend of God.
(53:12):
All of it was worth it, and everybody can't get
there and I'm not expecting them to right, I'm not
expecting you to say like your suicide attempt was, you know,
you can see the glory in that. But what I
realized is that when I came out of that in full,
what the Lord had given me, and I want to
use it carefully, not to say just in exchange, but
(53:34):
what the Lord had given me, because again I believe
everything does work together for my good what the Lord
had given me in that moment. You can't put a
price tag on what God has given me. There's nothing
that There's no money that people could put on what
the Lord has given me. And so I think that's
(53:54):
where I always find beauty. As much as life has
tried to beat me and steal my mind constantly, I
am so grateful who the Lord has created me and
equipped me and made me to be today, and I
feel like it all had purpose. And I think, again,
(54:16):
the enemy knows that I'm a sniper, so if I
can take her mind, oh, she don't have no power,
you know what I'm saying. So it's like he tried
and tried and tried and tried. But then when the
Lord really like, I'm surprised, I used to call churches, hospitals,
trying to check myself in. Somebody helped me. Please help me,
(54:37):
help me, you know, And I never forget. After my
mom passed, I call out like every church in my city.
I need help. I feel like I'm gonna die, like,
please help me, and I never forget. I call a
church and this man said, well, honey, we don't have
any therapy sessions here, but there's a lady that talks
(54:58):
to people who deal with grief. Because again, premature death
had been something I had struggled with since I was fourteen.
So after my mom passed, I told the Lord, I
don't think I'm gonna make it past thirty. I'm either
gonna kill myself or die of a heart attack a
broken heart. There's no way I'm gonna survive this. So
when somebody talks about a sound mind, I know for
(55:22):
a fact it's only the Lord that I'm saying. I
felt my mind slip before I thought I was gonna
be on the street talking to myself, you know, And
so that's my I'm just I love God so much
because what He has given me. Yeah, I can't even
(55:46):
describe it, you know, I really can't put into words.
But I think it all works together for your good,
even when it doesn't feel good.
Speaker 1 (55:56):
Yeah, oh, man, to me to take a deep breath,
because as you're sitting here talking, I'm sitting here thinking
that my prayer every day God keep my mind. People,
y'all don't realize that there are people today that don't
(56:17):
have your right mind and they have no control. When
I'm in cities and I see people talking to themselves,
and I see people that are battling schizophrenical, back bipolar,
auditorial hallucinations, all of these different things, and I'm just thinking, man,
I'm so blessed to have my mind, because if you
(56:42):
don't have this, you have nothing. I always think about
their commercial back in the early nineties when they used
to say this is your brain, and this is your
brain on drugs, and they would drop an egg in
hot skill it and it would be frying, and they
(57:04):
would say a mind is a terrible thing in the ways. Yeah,
but a mind or a mind that is out of yourself,
it's a terrible place to be in. And I'm so
happy feed that you were here with the sound mind.
Speaker 2 (57:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (57:22):
In closing, this has been such a rich thank you
for having me. Oh, so many people are going to
be blessed. What is healing for you?
Speaker 3 (57:35):
I kind of mentioned it early, but I arrived to
the place in the scripture where it talks about again,
before you were formed in your mother's womb, I knew you.
I feel like healing to me was a return to self.
It was a return home. Yeah, it has been a
return home to the version of me that I didn't
even know. Because we think we know ourselves, we don't
(57:56):
know ourselves because you didn't form you. So I feel
like God has returned me back to the center. He's
returned me back home. I'm getting you to a place
where I knew you. Right. So that is what my
healing journey has been to me, is that it's simply
going home. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (58:16):
You heard not only just from a woman who is
tailoring people as a sancturistic stylist. You heard from a
woman who is going on a journey of rediscovering herself,
as she says it, rediscovering who she was before she
got here, because her journey was predestined. And as God
(58:39):
said in his words, I knew THEE before I formed
THEE in our mother's womb. And I love what she said,
it's returning back to your original self. It's who God
intended for you to be. I don't know where you are,
I don't know what's going on in your life, and
I just want to take this opportunity to encourage you
(59:01):
that your life is so valuable. You are hearing my
story and other stories throughout the month of September for
National Suicide Prevention Month, and we're not oblivious that these
episodes are going to save everyone, but we're hoping that
(59:21):
one person comes across this story, comes across Fee Kevin
my story and the others to hear something that encouraged
you to keep pushing that no matter the dark place
that you're in, that you find light in one of
these episodes and one of these guests as they're sharing
so deeply and so transparent about their story. And I'm
(59:45):
hoping that you that you know, without a shadow of
a doubt, that you are valuable enough to stay because
you are needed. Again. If you know someone or yourself
that are struggling with suicidal thoughts, I want to encourage
you to call nine to eight eight Suicide Prevention Hotline.
(01:00:07):
This is a month of September where we're covering stories
and sharing testimonies of those who have survived, because not
only are we here to share our stories, we're also
here to share a living example that we were able
to find life on the other side of surviving. Until
(01:00:30):
next time, remember healing is a journey and wholeness is
the destination. Take care. Just here with Doctor J, a
production of the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows, and you can follow
(01:00:52):
me at King J. Barnett on Instagram and x and
follow us on YouTube. Just Heal, Doctor J.
Speaker 2 (01:00:59):
Thanks listening and celebrating five years of the Black Effect
Podcast Network with us. Keep following because the next five
years are about to be even
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