July 29, 2025 • 60 mins
In this intimate episode of Just Heal with Dr. Jay, Dr. Jay is joined by his sister Priscilla, a dedicated social worker, for a powerful conversation on healing, womanhood, and motherhood. Together, they reflect on how childhood experiences shape adult relationships and self-worth, the emotional toll of divorce on children, and the importance of redefining relational blueprints. Priscilla shares her journey of navigating life as a mother, wife, and individual, emphasizing the role of self-awareness, intentional communication, and self-care. This heartfelt dialogue offers a vulnerable and inspiring look at what it means to heal while holding space for others. Tune in and join the conversation in the socials below.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Jess Hill with Doctor J, a production of
the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Welcome back to
another episode with Doctor J. And I am your host,
Doctor J. And today I have the opportunity to share
space with my baby's sister who's deciding to sit and
(00:22):
talk with her older brother today at the Healing Community.
And she is a LMSW, very very very knowledgeable social worker.
She does so many great things in the city of
Grand Prairie and I'm been inspired by her work. She
was the first one to go get a master's in
(00:42):
the program, and I was like, you know what, can't
let my baby sister out do me, So I need
to go get a master's too. So anyway, that's how
we got that. But anyway, I want to say, welcome
Priscilla to the Healing Hub.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
What's that.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
You look dervous? I'm terrified? Why fun you?
Speaker 2 (01:01):
This is your space? You do well doing this. I
like to play in the background.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
But today you're gonna be in front. You look good girl.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I'm trying to drink from the water that you're drinking from.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Oh man, the water a peace, yes, nothing like peace
and stillness, no drama, no folks, slashing tires, follow me
around different things like that. You know, yes, single living
and thriving. Yes, yes, yes, And this is this is
(01:38):
just brother sister banter. But you know we've been talking
about during this episode and about you coming on and
uh sharing your journey of healing, your journey of motherhood, yes,
and a wife. But what I think today is going
to be great because you get to share the journey
of womanhood. Oh yeah, like the way I gread that,
(02:02):
I like that? Did you yourself? Yeah, I'm brilliant. I'm
brilliant in this space, Barnett. So so this is you
know when you I was gone, when when you were
coming up? Yeah, and let's let's start there. Like you
(02:22):
know you you went to Texas w I mean Texas
Texas Women's t W And I know you started out
with nursing, But what led you to shifting into wanting
to become a social worker.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
That's a good question. So initially, like coming up when
we were kids, I just knew I was going to
be a nurse. Yeah, and that was going to be
like my Niche got into nursing school, actually started at
Texas Women's University nursing program in Dallas first semester and
immediately said, this is not for me at all. I
(03:01):
met a social worker when I worked at Baylor in
Irving and asked her, you know, what do you do here?
I worked on the on college unit and I saw
her in all the rooms and how she interacted with
the patients, and I was like, man, you know, I
want to do something like that. And she's like, you
know what, you know, I know you're a nursing school,
but you know, maybe consider it. And went home that
(03:22):
day and I told mom, was like, you know, I
don't think I'm gonna do nursing anymore. I think I'm
gonna do social work. And of course, coming from our background,
I figured that who could be more relatable with the
individuals that are experiencing struggles and bad news than somebody
who's actually been there and can understand what that feels like.
(03:44):
And so I changed my measure.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
So change your major and you talk about, like, you
know how people could react or respond to bad news,
and it's starting out in the cology department secularly, and
these are the people who go are battling cancer. Correct,
So is that where you started at?
Speaker 2 (04:07):
That's that's where I started, but I've worked pretty much
in every aspect of social work of minus kids, but
specifically in the nickure. But I never did like CPS
or anything of that nature. I did a rotation at
CPS when I was an undergrad and immediately knew that
it's not my this is not my strong.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Sit Yeah, why what happened there?
Speaker 2 (04:31):
It's it's a different population that I think only only
people who don't have a connection to children could work
in that arena. But if you have children of your own.
I don't know about other people, but for me, I
couldn't make that disconnect and couldn't see myself getting involved
(04:56):
with those situations on a daily basis. You know, for
CP as you work around the clock, your on call
all the time unless it's not your weekend to be
on call, and I can't commit to that. Yeah, and
knowing what kids go through and have to endure, my
heart's not wired like that.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
So you start in the oncology department and you're basically
sort of the conduance as you will, kind of like
from doctor to patient as these individuals are receiving bad news,
you're pretty much the bridge on not only how they
(05:35):
receive it, but how do they manage it? That correct?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Correct, That is correct perfectly.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
So what was that like for you to build bridges
between the doctor and the patient, and particularly for people
who were receiving.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Terminal Surprisingly, it was not as hard as I thought
it would be because it's not like I could always
put myself in that situation, but I could always say
how I want someone to treat me, being that I'm
on the receiving end, And to that day, to this day,
(06:11):
I still live by that. I always treat people how
I would want to be treated if that were me
on the receiving end. And you have to put yourself
in a different mindset because when you're getting bad news
and you're already in a tough situation, you got to
think that person has a life outside of that hospital
setting and there's no telling what they have going on,
(06:33):
so you have to be very smooth in your delivery
to them and handle them with care like I would
want somebody to do that for me, even not knowing me,
but just be gentle with handling me. Yeah, So it
was easy to me because everything that we went through,
we didn't really have anybody who gave us that gentle treatment.
(06:55):
So I kind of wanted to give what I didn't see.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Yeah, So is that kind of part of what your
connection is to being a social worker. I would say
it is giving to others what you didn't receive.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I would say eighty percent of it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
And when you think about what you didn't receive, and
we can just start there, what like if you can
talk about two things and we can start from just
the first one that you name, what was the first
thing that you that you give to your clients or
patients that you would have wanted to receive that you're
given to them.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Listening, having someone just to sit and listen to you.
It's not that we didn't get that grown up, but
it was kind of that mentality like you know, child
stays in child's place, that's it. And growing up, you
don't realize how much that impact your confidence going into
(07:51):
young adulthood and adulthood and how that influences your ability
to be present when you go into a room or
whether or not you're going to speak up. So I
think that was a big part of it. And I
didn't have a lot to say, but I knew enough,
and you would want somebody to like Okay, what do
(08:12):
you think about that? But nobody ever asked your input.
So I wanted people to feel that, even if I
didn't agree with what they said, but just to have
somebody to listen to them, it makes a world of difference.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Yeah, I think that's too. That's the first part to
helping people heal is for people to feel heard. Absolutely,
And I tell most therapists that I mentor is that
until the client feels heard, no healing can begin.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Oh that's more than enough.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
State like, it won't begin until that individual feel like
they're being heard and they feel that you're listening. And
I don't think people are looking for somebody to understand
them yet, they just have to know that you want
to listen, because to listen, it's also to be present
(09:05):
with them in that moment. And I think most of us,
if we're honest, we've had people that were there but
weren't present. That's real, you know what I mean, Because
it's because I know for us in our childhood, I
think we experience a lot of them being there but
no one actually being present. I agree with that, Jay,
(09:29):
And because until you feel heard, you don't feel seen.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
And you'll go your whole life with that same feeling.
That's what I mean by not having that confidence, because
I think it creates a different type of person when
you have somebody who they believe in what you're saying,
they believe in your actions, and that it gives you
that push that you need.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
Y'all thing for you. Yeah, how was your confidence affected
as a child? I didn't have any.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Really, I didn't have any at all. I don't think
I realized it until I got to college. And the
first time I noticed it was when y'all left, when
you and Candy went to college. Then it was just
me and mom, and I was like, man, what am
I supposed to do? And they're gone. I mean, y'all
(10:31):
had been in the house all these years and now
it's just me and Mom. So all of that was
just out of the window. And I didn't It didn't
really sit in that I didn't have the confidence until
I got to college.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Yeah, and you get to college, what happens that reveals
that you don't have confidence.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
It wasn't going to school or actually going to class.
It was meeting people and then realizing all of the
things that people would experience that I had an experience
and I was like, oh, I didn't didn't know that's
what people did or kid could do, you know, like
traveling or just having different life experiences. Mine was not
(11:20):
set up that way.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
You know.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Most people were in sports and doing things that they
actually loved. Sixteen to eighteen, I was working. I had
to work to help out at the house. So I
didn't know that that was not the ordinary for everybody
across the board.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
You know.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
That gave me the independence that I needed to, you know,
go into adulthood. But I didn't know that that was
a thing that typical children would do, with having a
job and helping out at home and paying bills. You know.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yeah, so that was your Now, that was normal to me.
And you get to college and you like, nose, these
kids are like they're not working, they enjoying life. They're
they're having you know what I'm saying, fun, they're being kids.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Yeah. I don't think you remember, but you know, on
the weekends most of the times when I would leave school,
i'd go to work, and I think, I think, I'm
not sure if you were still in college at the time,
I can't remember, but no, you had just graduated. But
on the weekends, I would leave on Thursdays or Fridays,
depending on what time my class finished, and I drive
(12:29):
to Irving and go to work.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Where were you working at at dealers? What?
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Uh? Huh? I worked Friday Saturday and half a ship
on Sunday. And after I got off on Sundays, I'd
drive back to Didnton and get ready for class the
next morning.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Parent you was because I didn't know that because I'm
not I wasn't home, so I didn't I didn't have
any knowledge of what your process was and then to
what it was for you to navigate because one of
the things I'm thinking because you had that experience of
going to college because we left. I had that experience
(13:03):
because I was the first to leave. So for me,
that confidence was. I think for me, my confidence was
in my athletic ability. I knew I could will ask that.
That's just what it was like. My confidence was like, man,
I'm go out here and go to work. But the
lack of confidence is I didn't know who I was.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
That's the major part right there.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
And I think when children like we did experience the
type of trauma and experience the type of things that
we went through, and then to the parentification, like because
it's swapped it because I was a care you know,
sort of caretaker for you guys, and then all of
(13:53):
a sudden, I leave and Candy's going, and now you're
like this caretaker for the entire house. And I gotta
ask you because I've never asked you this before. You know,
what did that make you feel? Like?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Honestly, mmm, I don't even know if I can put
that into words. Uh empty, Now, don't give me to crime.
But when y'all left, it was like, what am I
supposed to do? Because you know, we were like we
still are, the three amigos, Like we do everything together.
(14:30):
And so when you left, I knew I could go
to college because you went one thank you, and two
I knew I could go to college because Candy went
to college. But then I'm like, well, you know who's
gonna be here with mom? You know who's gonna, you know,
help out around the house. I just felt empty, and
(14:53):
so majority of that time, and you know, that was
a rough patch when you left and when Candy left
and y'all were in the same area because you were
in Stevenville, and for a period of time she was
a ranger. So I know you remember, but y'all were
marpool on the weekends and coming home, and I mean
when y'all come home, I'm like, oh man, yay, finally
(15:14):
we get to kick it and hang out and kind
of get that break because everything was always so heavy
at the house because we were having such a hard time.
It was. It was a tough patch of time there,
and I remember it so vividly because everything was always
like clustered, like it was always the break.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Yeah, it's like this, and then once you get through that,
come south to.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Health, el boom, and it was man, it was like
then for like two three years. And so when it
was time for me to go to college, I was like, Okay,
I know I could do this, but man, what what's
going to happen at all?
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Did you did you realize that did it feel like
you got a breaking you left home?
Speaker 2 (16:01):
M Yes and no, Yes and no, because I mean
I still worked and I did most of my stuff
for school, like you know, I applied for school myself.
I bought my books myself. You know, I was paying
from a car myself, pay for man insurance, you know, everything.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
So you was like a full functioning adult, a risk
I wouldn't say that.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Mom.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
I'm not saying that word on if she'll tell you.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
But most of everything that I did, I got it. Yeah,
I wanted to work for it.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
Well, I mean, the truth of it is that I
think it's again it's like the roles not only reverse,
but they swap because most kids that are usually the babies,
are not as independent as the old That's true, you
know what I mean. So then that's what I'm saying.
I think you swapped from from or it went from
(16:58):
me being very good independent and my independence I didn't
feel like it was forced. It just natural. It was
natural for me. But in some ways, the more I've
talked to you, because you know, I was going for
a while and so I don't I didn't get to
move with life with you guys as you're all was
(17:19):
moving through our twenties, and so I came in, I
came back, and you guys are like in your thirties. Yeah, yeah,
just you know what I'm saying. So you're in your
in your thirties. So you got kids now, and you've
had you know, the womanhood, and you've had the motherhood
and then you've had the wifehood. So you've had all
(17:40):
the hoods, you know what I'm saying. So and and
as I'm sitting here, I'm like, man, it's it's almost
like you went on this journey alone to discover not
only your confidence, but to discover you because there wasn't.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
No, there wasn't a blueprint exactly, and the blueprints that
we had were and I don't like the word dysfunctional,
so I'll say unhealthy. They were unhealthy. And when I
tried to use that blueprint, it didn't work for me
in so many different areas of my life. And I
(18:23):
didn't really have anybody to talk to about certain things
because certain stages of life, like you said, we were
so different on because you know, I'm getting married at
twenty two and you're like, chall ain't no way, you
know I'm getting married at that age. In having a kid,
then having two kids, then having three kids, it was different.
(18:46):
And then we didn't see a relationship that lasted throughout
the years, so there wasn't really anybody to look to
for that advice and that guidance.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Pretty much, feel life did a lot of discovering on
your own, just kind of by yourself. And it kind
of makes sense now when you say, man, I felt empty,
because if I'm empty, there is a state of loneliness
that is attached to that them. Absolutely absolutely, did you
(19:20):
get married at twenty two? Why did I not have
to ask you? Because I've never asked you this? Why
did you get married at twenty two? Well?
Speaker 2 (19:28):
One thing I knew from our upbringing I didn't want
a lot of relationships. One Two I did not want
to have children by multiple men. I knew that. And
I didn't want to choose somebody that I knew wouldn't
(19:54):
want to stick it out with me.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
I knew those things.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Now, I didn't know what any of that like, and
I didn't know the requirements beyond loving somebody. That's all
I had. And when my husband and I met, we
just knew we loved each other, and hey, he was
gonna be together, That's all.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Man put That's but but how do y'all know that
are twenty two? Though?
Speaker 2 (20:19):
You know that's a good question, Jay, I don't know
if I thought about that before. But I knew that
he had something that I had never seen, what love,
and that he loved me regardless of what I didn't.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
But how did you know that though twenty two? Right,
like like, oh, okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Yeah, that's it wasn't about money because we was broke,
we didn't have any more.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
But but but no twenty two year old has money.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Yeah, yeah, that's just for nowadays. Apparently everybody does. But hey,
they don't either here nor there. But I knew that
that's what I wanted.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
So you said, you knew he loved you by the
way he treated you, And how did he treat you?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
He handled me with care, It was gentle. He listened
and he didn't listen to everything. So let's get that right,
who dos and honey, I love you, But he didn't
listen to everything, and neither did I. But we we
were determined to work and we did not want to
repeat what we saw. And you know, his mom and
(21:28):
dad were married a long time, Our parents were married
a long time. But we knew that, okay, those two
blueprints are not gonna work. We got to create a
different path for ourselves, and that's what we did.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
So I want for the people that are listening. I
love what you said. He handled you with care, and
I think that it's important if that if the individual
that you connected to, you have to identify not only
the care that you need, but identify if they have
the ability or the capacity to give that care. That's
(22:04):
good you have to because I think with that care,
it also reveals that person's ability to listen, because I
cannot listen, or should I say, I cannot care if I'm.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Not listening, And can I tell you I had to
learn that in our twenties. We went to therapy for
two and a half almost three years, about two separate,
in together.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Separate in so and then you guys were going to
therapy separately and.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
In your Initially we started separately and then we started
going together and we went faithfully for probably two and
a half years. Wow, I didn't I didn't notice because
it was we had a really rough patch. And what
I was saying about learning how to listen, I didn't
(22:57):
know that. I didn't learn that. I thought all the
problems was with him. I didn't think anything was wrong
with me. And I know a lot of women are
like that, and I love women. I support women to
the fullest, but I also know what struggle I had,
and my struggle was listening and thinking I'm right all
the time and not considering his feelings on things, and
(23:22):
just as much as women want to be heard, men
want to be heard as well. Absolutely, And they don't
say that a lot because they're not emotional how we are.
But that's what I had to learn, and therapy taught
me that. And so even though we went to therapy
over ten years ago, we still use those same tools
in therapy to this day when we're communicating with each other.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Wow, that's so healthy. And I'm glad that you said that,
because I do think we're just as emotional as women.
It's just expressed differently.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Uh huh.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
I agree with that, it's expressed diffully. And I think
our inability to express emotionally and to express how we
feel is you only see the expression of anger, and
anger on processed becomes rage. And when you have rage
(24:19):
and it's displaced rage, you're unpredictable. I cannot trust you
if your rage is displaced and it's unpredictable. And this
is why I tell people it's dangerous to be around
people who do not know that they're angry. See, when
(24:41):
you know that you're angry, you're able to feel that.
I watch a lot of men who don't know that
they're angry. They know they're mad. Yes, but they don't
understand that. It's sadness, it's abandonment, it's disappointment, is discouragement,
(25:02):
it's the loss of hope. And I'm saying that because
I know for me when when Dad and Mom divorced,
that is what I felt, and it wasn't until I realized, Yeah,
you're angry, but what you're really what the real issue
is is you're disappointed that didn't work out. You're disappointed
(25:25):
because you thought that should have been there for you
and he wasn't. And the way that it has expressed
is also the way that it hasn't been processed. So
somebody calls you out on something and because you have
not been fathered, well, you are triggered.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
That part, yep, that part that that was a huge
part of my healing when I was in therapy is
you know, I remember sitting down and her name was Missy,
Misty wherever she is in life now. But I remember
(26:04):
sitting down and I'm, you know, like, I don't know
why I'm here, you know, here because it's his fault.
You know, he's put us in the situation. It's all
his fault. And she says, well, I want you to
come back you know, next week or whatever, and I'm like, okay,
you know what time I get back next week, and
I'm by myself that time and starts spun peeling all
(26:24):
of these things. And then immediately it goes back to
the divorce. It goes back to how I processed everything.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
It goes back to.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Why I ultimately don't want to listen to what he
has to say. And it was all of these things
that I didn't even were connected.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Oh yeah, yeah, I CJ will appreciate this because I
talked to CJ doing my interviews for those that are listening,
because one lady told me, can you stop having a
side No, CJ and I I have to talk, and
there's time to read interviews. I can feel him. And
(27:07):
what you just said is I think a lot of
women need to hear is it's not that you can't
hear the man, it's your reasonings for not wanting correct,
listen too young? Correct.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
I think we've had this conversation before, and I've told
you this because you know, I speak very openly with
you about you know what I think you know women
can do better. We have those conversations all the time,
and you always say, man, see That's why I like
talking to you, because you go tell the truth.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Because Priscilla is a brother I've always wanted. That's that's
what this really is about. And my mother lied to me. Mother,
I'm telling the world, and you told a lie to
my mother told me that she was a boy when
they brought her home, because I wanted a little brother
so bad. They told me she was a boy, and
(27:59):
so they have they had her. I remember when they
brought you home from the hospital. They had her, and
I can Mama had on a green jog and suit.
That's how vivid my memory is at five, because I
was five when you and Mama had on a green
jog and suit with some white tennis shoe and she
was you know, had she you know, on her knee,
and your hair was turned and so I couldn't see
(28:22):
with the back. And I walked up. I said, oh,
look at the little baby. And they was like, yeah,
come say hello, and nobody said anything, and and they
picked you up and turn you around. A girl. That's
the girl shadow me. Shattered me, man, shattered me. So
(28:43):
it's day you still treat me like the little brother.
You again. You see a woman, I see a man.
As sir, But the world we live in loves there,
so you could be anything you want to be. But
say that because and because we have a unique relationship,
(29:03):
because you're so balancing your thinking, and I think you
have the balance in your thinking because you begin therapy
early before I did, and all the stuff that we
went through and what it manifested. And for those that
are watching, like parents, divorce impacts children in ways that
(29:26):
you couldn't imagine. And it's not just the separation, it's
it's the model that becomes a very fragmented diad for
us as children because our brain understand this system, but
(29:46):
it doesn't understand when the system is broken career and
somebody has said, hey, you're going to go live here,
and you're going to go to live there. Kids' brains
don't understanding. Now, their brains does have the ability to
adjust because they still in their formidable stage, so you
can kind of mold in shape.
Speaker 3 (30:06):
But emotionally that part because it takes you back to
the stay in the child's place, because if you have
input about it, you shouldn't be in mom and dad's relationship.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
You shouldn't know what's going on. But in my opinion,
it should be the exact opposite. You should be having
a conversation as to Okay, here's what happened, y'all, we're
going to decide to part our ways. Here's why. Has
nothing to do with you, has nothing to do with you,
has nothing to do with you. I feel like that
(30:37):
would have made the world of a difference with everything.
But there was never a conversation. Everything happened and then
that was it. It's like the bottom dropped out, the
rug was pulled, yeah, and then you're you're left to
just continue with life.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
I still remember that day. You remember that.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
I remember that day. You remember the smell in the room. Yeah,
I remember smelling a room. Wow, absolutely absolutely. With that
smell coming across my nose right now, it will put
me right back in that moment. Man.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
I don't remember the smell. I just remember Daddy calling
us in and said we need to talk talk to y'all.
And it was very brash, Yeah, very brash. And and
it's like there wasn't any pumpting or any sort of
kind of like precursor kind of like, yeah, none of that,
(31:38):
which is why in everything that I do, I'm very
careful about tongue. And I'm always careful about how I
set things up. Which is the way I speak is
I speak according to what? Again, going back to what
you said earlier about what we didn't get correct, It
(31:58):
was just like any tall me and mamma get a divorce, and.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Guess what the biggest thing in my relationship is what
my husband will tell you. It's tongue. If the tone
is off, my ears off, same thing. The connectedness of
everything is mind blowing to me. But we don't realize
any of that until we get into life. You're deep
(32:24):
into life, and nobody tells you how all of those
things are connected.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Well, I say this, the adults stand at the altar
and exchange the valves. It's the children, but it is
the kids who have to keep them. Absolutely, it is
the kids who have to keep the vow. It is
your little boy and it is your little girl that
have to keep these vals. The adults say, I do,
(32:54):
do you take this to be your lawful wedded husband, wife?
To cherish the hole? Da da da to depth do
your part? Adults are sitting there saying I do, and
the kids are saying like hell, And.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Those are those same kids that will butt heads for
years and years and years, never really acknowledging or being
able to acknowledge what the real problem is.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
You know, Yah, when I think about this, I'm just
like man, I can step into the room and for
you it was listening. For me, it was understanding.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
I can see that. I can see that.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Because I think being the oldest, the feeling of like man,
everybody's looking for me to step.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Up, correct and not necessarily just step up. But Carrie, Carrie,
everything like I remember you being in college and still
having to to pay certain things.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Pay bills, paying rent. I remember taking my scholarship check
and Mama eight hundred and sixty dollars. I remember I
could see myself counting out the eight hundred and sixty
dollars and I'm saying to myself, this is crazy. I remember, like,
I'm eighteen years old, had eight hundred and sixty dollars
and I'm sitting there like and you don't think about
(34:16):
it because in that moment, it's like I have to
do this.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
Yeah, just as I said, it was, it was ordinary.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
That it was normal, and not that I didn't want to.
But I never got to be a kid.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
Career corect and.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
That's why for me at this stage, I didn't realize
this until like recently, that I look for joy in
the simplest as things, because when I think about a
kid playing, it's always the simplest of things where it's
just like you just running up and down the road
and it's just like it's the most fun you ever had.
(34:55):
And it's like I didn't get a chance to do
that because I was so focused on I got to
be there for y'all. I gotta make it and gotta
make it. And then too, you become an adult, and
then you come to the realization while you have in
trouble to self actualize things, You're like, I can't freaking
do it because I never got to go through the
(35:16):
stages of development. So now I have an arrested development
that's real, and I'm trying to function in something that
I never understood the genesis of.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Oh, that's real.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
And that was my challenge because I'm like man like today,
like I love the smallest things like Jorde. Like I
was walking, I saw a flower swearing from side to side.
I said, look at that flower dancing like it was
just really like I was just like and I was
just like, man, that thing, know, because the wind was
(35:53):
just swearing that thing, and it hit me because oftentimes,
as humans, we're so overwhelmed with our trauma, we're so
overwhelmed with the pressures of life that it's hard to
appreciate the simplest of things. And in that moment, it
(36:15):
was like I was just at a concert watching this
flower perform, and I smiled because I was like, man,
this is really I'm entertained a little bit. And it
brought me back to the little boy because I'm like, man,
I remember those moments. And I'm gonna tell you, honestly,
what really is challenging for me about aging. It's not
(36:38):
even I'm getting older. For me, it is the distance
between childhood.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
I gotcha, Yeah, because almost you still have that feeling
of me and I don't want to grow up.
Speaker 1 (36:52):
Yeah, I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I
don't want to grow up. And not that I don't
want to grow up, because it's like, it's not Peter
Pan syndrome. It's not that right. I'm not climbing trees,
but it's it's the bewilderment of just like, man, this
(37:18):
is who I was as a kid, the joy and
just the freedom, the freedom. And that's why freedom is
so big to me in relationships and business and partnership,
even in what I do. Before I make any deal,
I'm always looking if there's freedom in it. If I
(37:39):
feel like I'm going to be in a prison, or
if i feel like I'm going to be be restricted,
I'm not interested.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
I'm not interested anything that takes away my full ability
to be my full self. I'm not interested in it.
And it's all and all of it is attached to
childhood because we were kids of pastors. So fun for
(38:08):
us was playing church.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
Played church all the time, all day.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
And then playing church was also part of like just
kind of like the reality of like this is our
life and anything outside of church is a sin. Correct.
So it's like I want to ride my bike and
put you know, a paper bag in the back and
the tire so it sounds like a like a motorcycle,
you know all those things. I still remember those things
(38:37):
and not feel like, well, that's the devil.
Speaker 2 (38:39):
Music music, and you know my connection with music.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
I love music. Why you love music? I never knew that,
you know what funny?
Speaker 2 (38:49):
I don't know if you remember this, but you came
home from college one time and you got a CD
burned and I think it was chopped and screwed. And
my connection with music wasn't just like with music, but
it's like with my siblings, if that makes sense, Like
(39:09):
even even with Candy singing, you know, but it was
always that connection. I'm like, Okay, this is home, this
is family.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
So that's always been my connection with music.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
And when y'all left, like that's all I did. You
don't remember I asked for the the uh it's like
a boombox. Then oh, yeah, that's for the boom box
for my birthday. Yeah, remember that you got me that
boom box. And Mom used to be so mad at me,
but I would just be blasting music in that room
all day. But that was always been a connection just
(39:42):
kind of keeps me grounded at home.
Speaker 1 (39:46):
Motherhood. You have three kids, yes, and you have an
amazing door that's on the spectrum. Yes. What has motherhood
been like for you as you were giving your children
something that you didn't have, do you feel like some
parts of that brought healing to you?
Speaker 2 (40:07):
You know what? I'd say The main thing that I
got from mom was the ability to be present and
not just be present but teach. So I make it
a point with the kids to always teach them something
(40:30):
and be honest with them. I know Mom probably wouldn't
agree with this, but she doesn't like always how honest
I am with them, Like I tell them when things
are not great, or tell them when things are not
the best. If I'm not in a good mood, if
I'm not feeling well, I'd like to communicate that with
them so that they could have open dialogue with me.
(40:52):
And I feel like with Ariya being on the spectrum,
that really helps with telling her how I feel so
that she can in turn help me how she feels,
even if I don't agree with it. And that's for
all the kids, not just her. But I know for us,
we talked a lot with me and you, Mom and Candy,
(41:15):
we talked a lot. So I always wanted to let
my kids know that communication is like the biggest thing.
So there was one thing for Ario when she was
diagnosed was her speech. Because she was two and a
half almost three roughly, when we realized that there was
something that is, you know, not right, and when we
got the autism diagnosis, that was one of her main
(41:38):
things was her ability to communicate, and she could. She
was verbal, but everything was like a word salad, so
it was just jumbled up. And so the more and
more she did speech, the more and more we talked
to her and not so much forced her to talk,
but put her in situations where she had no choice
but to communicate what you want or what you need.
(41:58):
It made the world of a day like leaps and
bounds from where she came from to now being eleven
and completely verbal. She does all her routines in the morning.
You've seen her routines. She likes her stuff a certain way.
But she's such a pure heart, like you can't help.
(42:19):
But you know, notice her when she walks into.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
A room as a mother and who was once a daughter,
did that heal some parts of you?
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Absolutely absolutely? Because I'm a little bit of a perfectionist.
So I wanted to be I wanted to do motherhood well.
I wanted to do a good job. I want them
to grow up and be like, oh man, you know, man,
my mom did everything she could. And you know, I
don't feel like I spoiled them or anything, but I
(42:50):
want them to know that I was here. And when
you go out into the world. I want them to
know like, hey, you know, man, her mom must have
really been involved. Oh look look at her like that.
That's what I want to exude. If I don't do
anything else in life, I want to make sure I
do my motherhood job, in my wifehood job. Those are
(43:11):
important to me.
Speaker 1 (43:13):
Now, you know, balancing all of that. Yeah, it's it's
crazy word. It's crazy word.
Speaker 2 (43:21):
Crazy word.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
How do you do it the way that you do it? What? What? What?
What is? What? What is important to you as a mother,
as a wife, and as a woman if you can
answer those three questions? Okay, because this good question. Yeah,
because because this month, you know, we're we're talking all
(43:43):
women and soul. I'm really wanting women to walk away
with something that may be in those three categories, or
they may be in two, or they may be in one.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
Well tell, I'll start by saying what changed over the years.
So when I was younger, my priorities were a bit backwards.
You know, it was always guy first, But I thought
that the kids came second because they were small, and
(44:15):
of course, you know, they needed more from you. And
going to therapy, I learned that that was a little backwards.
And so the older I got, the more I understood, Okay,
there has to be a balance. I couldn't get the balance, right,
I just I could not figure it out. From my
early thirties, I could not figure it out. I was
(44:35):
probably completely terrible ed.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
I'm not gonna mind.
Speaker 2 (44:39):
I would say probably in the past five years is
when I've actually gotten it. And it took a lot
of trial and era, a lot of trial and era,
and God blessed my husband because it was a lot
of talking from him too, and telling me, you know,
you know, I don't need you over here. You know
I really need you over here. And I'm like, well
(45:01):
that doesn't make sense. Why it wasn't registering for me.
But what I've learned is that the kids get to
a stage in their life where they need teaching and
they need nurturing. You know, the kids when they're younger,
they need to be nurtured, right, Okay, that comes from
all They're in the stage of teaching now, and so
(45:23):
Dad gets to do a lot of that and then
I don't necessarily take the back seat, but I get
to have a little bit more of a breathing room and.
Speaker 1 (45:30):
A little more Margian.
Speaker 2 (45:32):
Get to have a little bit of breathing room. And
I learned the work balance the relationship, the kids, and
then taking care of myself. That that was all hard
because you know, in the past six months, I've been
in the gym heavy, you know, trying to get back
on my routine of taking care of myself. Like I
(45:54):
would always make an excuse like I don't have time,
I don't have time. All the while it was just
finding the for everything. And I have time, I do.
I just have to create the time and create the
space for myself for whatever the kids need, for whatever
he needs. It's a balancing act, but it's doable, right,
(46:16):
And I always say that God structured women a certain
way because we do very well with balancing certain things.
You just don't have to pick up everything all on
the same day.
Speaker 1 (46:25):
Yeah, that's what I've learned well, and I think too right.
It's I think it's also a part of understanding what
goes first correct. And I think what I'm often telling
mothers in therapy that I've worked with is that if
the woman is not well, the wife of the mother
(46:47):
will be good.
Speaker 2 (46:49):
No, not at all.
Speaker 1 (46:50):
And I think the message is what I'm hearing you
say to every mother and to every wife, is that
you have to be first priority.
Speaker 2 (46:58):
Absolutely, Like you have to be absolutely.
Speaker 1 (47:01):
Because if this ship goes down because the captain fell asleep,
then we have to ask that the captain have too
much on their plate. You know? Did the captain have
a co captain? Yeah? And I think it's important for all.
And I'm often telling mothers that you were a woman
before you gave birth. Correct, you were a woman before
(47:24):
you gave I mean before you gave your last name,
you know, if you did. It's some of the folks
like this is a different world. It's like I'm hyphening it.
I'm not taking this last name. But but you know,
you were a woman before you took on these other identities, right,
because even motherhood is an identity. It is it is,
and if you're not careful, you'll lose yourself in motherhood
(47:49):
and miss out on who you were supposed to become
as a woman.
Speaker 2 (47:53):
I was one of those women, and it's a daily battle.
It's a daily battle. But I make it a point
to tell my kids. And people may disagree with this,
but I do tell them. You know, before you guys
came along, I was a woman. And so here's what
I'm gonna do today to take care of myself. I
will be back in an hour and a half. I'm
going to the gym. Everything stops, I can. I'm okay
(48:18):
now with not having my hand at every single thing.
Sometimes it's okay to say no and step back. If
the man wants to do something, go ahead. It's okay, Like, yeah,
he may not wash the dishes the way you want
to wash, he may not put them away, may not
even put the laundry up, but it gets washed, it's
(48:39):
in the dryer. It's okay. Everything doesn't have to be
prestige every single day. And I can't be one hundred
percent in all categories every day. Yeah, that's what I've
had to learn. Some days I'm eighty in the wife category.
Some days I'm twenty five in the mother category. Some
days I'm one hundred percent and just taking care of myself.
It just it it varies. But it's okay for me
(49:03):
not to have my hand in every single thing, because
when am I going to take care of myself with
my hand is everywhere else?
Speaker 1 (49:11):
And particularly for you know, mothers who are soon to
be empty nesters. And I've seen so much change with
them because for them it's like, man, I have been
a mother for the past eighteen years, and I am like, no,
(49:31):
this can't end because my identity and who I am
is tied to being a mom. Little Jimmy needs me,
Little there needs me. You know what I mean? Well,
I have to take Sarah here, and Sarah's able to
drive herself down. And I think it's important this goes
for both mothers and fathers. We have to understand that
(49:53):
there are callings that you have, there are dreams that
you have, the visions that you have. I'm often telling
people in therapy, I know that you have kids, but
go after that thing, correct, I don't. I think it's
I don't think it's good for parents to stop dreaming.
And I feel like so many do because they feel like, man,
I can't now and you may not be able to
(50:15):
put all of them in, but if you can start
somewhere and make small deposits, and I think that brings
a sense of fulfillment to you as a man or
a woman rather than just as a mother or father.
Because what if the child grows up and they don't
say thank you? What if they get the award and
they don't say it was my mom or dad that
(50:39):
encouraged me. And what if it's it was my coach
and then my and dad. Are you upset that you're
a second on the list? You know what I mean?
And if this is about pushing and promoting and encouraging
and sending out children who would give back to the community,
(51:00):
that would contribute to society, then you have to question
that for yourself. That okay. And that's the thing when
people ask me about kids, you know, y'all, y'all, y'all.
And I thank God that my sister don't harass me.
Can he harass me more than anybody, But don't harass
me again with the whole kids thing. Like, the one
thing that I that I appreciate about me and my
(51:23):
sister is that I went on my own journey and
there were times that I felt like I wasn't part
of the secret society of marriage and kids and all
those different things. But I also understood that God had
called me to something different. And understanding that he called
me to something different, it was going to require different
from me because I can't move about if I had kids,
(51:46):
and I wouldn't like people always ask me like, so,
what would you do if your ad kids like star
stop that's what I do, stop traveling, Like I don't
like I'm not tied to this. If I got married
tomorrow and start building a family, I'm okay with not
be on a road. I would be at peace, ben
at home my wife and she's say, hey, you know,
can you not go eight times a month? Can you
(52:09):
go three? Okay? Cool? I would have a problem with
that because I found me first, and I found my
purpose first before finding a spouse and then trying to
pull all of my joy and fulfillment out of my
wife and my kids. And now I got a little
boy that I'm watching every day and practice and he's
(52:31):
three because I want him to be the next me
because you gotta go, like I just I don't understand that.
And so I love that you created a healthy balance
and that you started doing for you.
Speaker 2 (52:45):
Yes that was Yeah, it took a long time to
get to that point, but no, it's necessary.
Speaker 1 (52:54):
In closing, you were eight, I think mom and dad
divorced nine okay, not yeah? Nine? What would thirty seven,
thirty eight, thirty eight What would thirty eight Priscilla say
to nine year.
Speaker 2 (53:13):
Old Priscilla, it's going to be okay, and you don't
have to you don't have to be what you came from.
Speaker 1 (53:26):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
And it's okay and it's not your fault. There's a there.
There would have been those words from the people that
probably meant the most coming from them, would have like
(53:50):
changed everything. Had those words came from those people, yeah,
hands down.
Speaker 1 (53:57):
Yeah. But yeah, what did you think about the little girl?
Because I remember when you were just like trying to
figure it out every.
Speaker 2 (54:07):
Day every day. I stand in the house now, because
you know, we we got to a house and into
twenty twenty, going into twenty twenty one, moved in. I
stand in the house to this day and just in disbelieve,
like I don't. I don't believe it's mine. I don't.
Of course you know you paid a bank for it,
but but I don't. I don't believe it. Still, I
(54:33):
don't believe it. It's sixteen years married this year October.
Speaker 1 (54:38):
I've been married sixteen years.
Speaker 2 (54:39):
Sixteen years wow, and been together for uh, it'll just
make nineteen. But like if you would have told me
that from our story, yeah, that would have said, ain't nowhere,
ain't no way but I know God is able one
(55:04):
and then two. If we asked for the tools and
want to actually use them, he would give them to us.
But sometimes a lot of people don't. They don't want
to do that that work, and they don't they don't
want to take the ownership for the shortcomings or the
thing is that they're they're the reason that it did
(55:28):
not work. Yeah, so I wanted to be I want
to be different in that sense. I'm glad that my
husband weren't the same because we have very similar, very
similar history.
Speaker 1 (55:43):
What what does healing means for you?
Speaker 2 (55:47):
Oh, that's a tough question. Chrick showing up every day
and giving yourself enough grace to keep at it like
something I think that a lot of people don't do
anymore is give yourself grace, like, no, we're not gonna
(56:09):
get it right every day, do you do? You stop
building the house because y'all run out of bricks. No,
you order some more bricks so you can finish building
the house. Keep showing up. That's what healing is. You
keep showing up. You may not get it right on Monday.
It may change come Friday. You may have a different response.
(56:29):
You may learn something on Tuesday that you can use
on Friday, but just keep showing up. And I'm making
it a point every single day to keep showing up
and being intentional.
Speaker 1 (56:41):
That's good. That's good. I like that because that's kind
of what I live by, Like I live by, keep
showing up, keep cheap, being available for what may be present. Correct,
you know what I mean? Because I think healing is
(57:01):
not linear, so I think there's different pathways. And of
course we know that there are different modalities and different
ways to heal, whether it's therapy, whether it's through sound, baths, yoga,
and all of these different other things that people use.
But I think for me, it's always been keep being
(57:24):
available for what may be present, because it may be
present in the transaction of passing somebody out of store.
I remember C J and I were in Canada and
we're talking to this blind guy. I have to tell
you guys this story. It is hilarious. We're talking to
a blind man who has a stick and has a
(57:46):
shade and we're talking to him because it's like, Okay,
dude's blind and he terms of hot. It looks at us,
that's like, and we had this full conversation. It's a
hilarious story, but the message in it was that he said,
if we really give attention to humanity and who we
are as people, we're not any different from each other, no,
(58:10):
what not.
Speaker 2 (58:11):
And you know that by both the degrees that you
have because you had to study that and studying why
we think the way that we do. Everybody's interconnected, we
all are.
Speaker 1 (58:22):
Yeah. And in that moment, like I experienced healing with
this guy because I'm like, he's blind and in this
it's like, wow, he still had enough in him to
have a conversation with us and he could tell that
we were black too, And Yeah, it was a powerful
(58:42):
conversation and saying that because when you are available, you
can receive what's present. What's present and what I'm hoping
that people take away from our discussions. Discussion today, you
didn't cry, so you have to. Yeah, almost. So she
(59:03):
begged me not to make her cry. So I wanted
to honor that as the oldest and as the brother
of a brother. You know, let me let me stop,
because I don't want these folks that come for me
and we're just joking people, we're just joking. I see
her as a woman, This is my little sister. But
for those of you that are struggling because you say,
(59:24):
doctor J, man, I'm tired, and I know it's tiresome
because showing up takes work, it takes effort, showing up
takes energy. No one talks about the energy it takes
to show up and how you have to muster that
energy together. But what I want to say to you
(59:46):
is that you are worthy of showing up for yourself,
and I hope that you continue to do that and
remember until next time, healing is a journey and wholeness
is the destination. Just here with Doctor J a production
of the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
(01:00:07):
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows, and you can follow me at
King J. Barnett on Instagram and x and follow us
on YouTube. Just here, Doctor J.
Welcome to Jess Hill with Doctor J, a production of
the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Welcome back to
another episode with Doctor J. And I am your host,
Doctor J. And today I have the opportunity to share
space with my baby's sister who's deciding to sit and
(00:22):
talk with her older brother today at the Healing Community.
And she is a LMSW, very very very knowledgeable social worker.
She does so many great things in the city of
Grand Prairie and I'm been inspired by her work. She
was the first one to go get a master's in
(00:42):
the program, and I was like, you know what, can't
let my baby sister out do me, So I need
to go get a master's too. So anyway, that's how
we got that. But anyway, I want to say, welcome
Priscilla to the Healing Hub.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
What's that.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
You look dervous? I'm terrified? Why fun you?
Speaker 2 (01:01):
This is your space? You do well doing this. I
like to play in the background.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
But today you're gonna be in front. You look good girl.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I'm trying to drink from the water that you're drinking from.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Oh man, the water a peace, yes, nothing like peace
and stillness, no drama, no folks, slashing tires, follow me
around different things like that. You know, yes, single living
and thriving. Yes, yes, yes, And this is this is
(01:38):
just brother sister banter. But you know we've been talking
about during this episode and about you coming on and
uh sharing your journey of healing, your journey of motherhood, yes,
and a wife. But what I think today is going
to be great because you get to share the journey
of womanhood. Oh yeah, like the way I gread that,
(02:02):
I like that? Did you yourself? Yeah, I'm brilliant. I'm
brilliant in this space, Barnett. So so this is you
know when you I was gone, when when you were
coming up? Yeah, and let's let's start there. Like you
(02:22):
know you you went to Texas w I mean Texas
Texas Women's t W And I know you started out
with nursing, But what led you to shifting into wanting
to become a social worker.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
That's a good question. So initially, like coming up when
we were kids, I just knew I was going to
be a nurse. Yeah, and that was going to be
like my Niche got into nursing school, actually started at
Texas Women's University nursing program in Dallas first semester and
immediately said, this is not for me at all. I
(03:01):
met a social worker when I worked at Baylor in
Irving and asked her, you know, what do you do here?
I worked on the on college unit and I saw
her in all the rooms and how she interacted with
the patients, and I was like, man, you know, I
want to do something like that. And she's like, you
know what, you know, I know you're a nursing school,
but you know, maybe consider it. And went home that
(03:22):
day and I told mom, was like, you know, I
don't think I'm gonna do nursing anymore. I think I'm
gonna do social work. And of course, coming from our background,
I figured that who could be more relatable with the
individuals that are experiencing struggles and bad news than somebody
who's actually been there and can understand what that feels like.
(03:44):
And so I changed my measure.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
So change your major and you talk about, like, you
know how people could react or respond to bad news,
and it's starting out in the cology department secularly, and
these are the people who go are battling cancer. Correct,
So is that where you started at?
Speaker 2 (04:07):
That's that's where I started, but I've worked pretty much
in every aspect of social work of minus kids, but
specifically in the nickure. But I never did like CPS
or anything of that nature. I did a rotation at
CPS when I was an undergrad and immediately knew that
it's not my this is not my strong.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Sit Yeah, why what happened there?
Speaker 2 (04:31):
It's it's a different population that I think only only
people who don't have a connection to children could work
in that arena. But if you have children of your own.
I don't know about other people, but for me, I
couldn't make that disconnect and couldn't see myself getting involved
(04:56):
with those situations on a daily basis. You know, for
CP as you work around the clock, your on call
all the time unless it's not your weekend to be
on call, and I can't commit to that. Yeah, and
knowing what kids go through and have to endure, my
heart's not wired like that.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
So you start in the oncology department and you're basically
sort of the conduance as you will, kind of like
from doctor to patient as these individuals are receiving bad news,
you're pretty much the bridge on not only how they
(05:35):
receive it, but how do they manage it? That correct?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Correct, That is correct perfectly.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
So what was that like for you to build bridges
between the doctor and the patient, and particularly for people
who were receiving.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Terminal Surprisingly, it was not as hard as I thought
it would be because it's not like I could always
put myself in that situation, but I could always say
how I want someone to treat me, being that I'm
on the receiving end, And to that day, to this day,
(06:11):
I still live by that. I always treat people how
I would want to be treated if that were me
on the receiving end. And you have to put yourself
in a different mindset because when you're getting bad news
and you're already in a tough situation, you got to
think that person has a life outside of that hospital
setting and there's no telling what they have going on,
(06:33):
so you have to be very smooth in your delivery
to them and handle them with care like I would
want somebody to do that for me, even not knowing me,
but just be gentle with handling me. Yeah, So it
was easy to me because everything that we went through,
we didn't really have anybody who gave us that gentle treatment.
(06:55):
So I kind of wanted to give what I didn't see.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Yeah, So is that kind of part of what your
connection is to being a social worker. I would say
it is giving to others what you didn't receive.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I would say eighty percent of it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
And when you think about what you didn't receive, and
we can just start there, what like if you can
talk about two things and we can start from just
the first one that you name, what was the first
thing that you that you give to your clients or
patients that you would have wanted to receive that you're
given to them.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Listening, having someone just to sit and listen to you.
It's not that we didn't get that grown up, but
it was kind of that mentality like you know, child
stays in child's place, that's it. And growing up, you
don't realize how much that impact your confidence going into
(07:51):
young adulthood and adulthood and how that influences your ability
to be present when you go into a room or
whether or not you're going to speak up. So I
think that was a big part of it. And I
didn't have a lot to say, but I knew enough,
and you would want somebody to like Okay, what do
(08:12):
you think about that? But nobody ever asked your input.
So I wanted people to feel that, even if I
didn't agree with what they said, but just to have
somebody to listen to them, it makes a world of difference.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Yeah, I think that's too. That's the first part to
helping people heal is for people to feel heard. Absolutely,
And I tell most therapists that I mentor is that
until the client feels heard, no healing can begin.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Oh that's more than enough.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
State like, it won't begin until that individual feel like
they're being heard and they feel that you're listening. And
I don't think people are looking for somebody to understand
them yet, they just have to know that you want
to listen, because to listen, it's also to be present
(09:05):
with them in that moment. And I think most of us,
if we're honest, we've had people that were there but
weren't present. That's real, you know what I mean, Because
it's because I know for us in our childhood, I
think we experience a lot of them being there but
no one actually being present. I agree with that, Jay,
(09:29):
And because until you feel heard, you don't feel seen.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
And you'll go your whole life with that same feeling.
That's what I mean by not having that confidence, because
I think it creates a different type of person when
you have somebody who they believe in what you're saying,
they believe in your actions, and that it gives you
that push that you need.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
Y'all thing for you. Yeah, how was your confidence affected
as a child? I didn't have any.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Really, I didn't have any at all. I don't think
I realized it until I got to college. And the
first time I noticed it was when y'all left, when
you and Candy went to college. Then it was just
me and mom, and I was like, man, what am
I supposed to do? And they're gone. I mean, y'all
(10:31):
had been in the house all these years and now
it's just me and Mom. So all of that was
just out of the window. And I didn't It didn't
really sit in that I didn't have the confidence until
I got to college.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Yeah, and you get to college, what happens that reveals
that you don't have confidence.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
It wasn't going to school or actually going to class.
It was meeting people and then realizing all of the
things that people would experience that I had an experience
and I was like, oh, I didn't didn't know that's
what people did or kid could do, you know, like
traveling or just having different life experiences. Mine was not
(11:20):
set up that way.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
You know.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Most people were in sports and doing things that they
actually loved. Sixteen to eighteen, I was working. I had
to work to help out at the house. So I
didn't know that that was not the ordinary for everybody
across the board.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
You know.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
That gave me the independence that I needed to, you know,
go into adulthood. But I didn't know that that was
a thing that typical children would do, with having a
job and helping out at home and paying bills. You know.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yeah, so that was your Now, that was normal to me.
And you get to college and you like, nose, these
kids are like they're not working, they enjoying life. They're
they're having you know what I'm saying, fun, they're being kids.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Yeah. I don't think you remember, but you know, on
the weekends most of the times when I would leave school,
i'd go to work, and I think, I think, I'm
not sure if you were still in college at the time,
I can't remember, but no, you had just graduated. But
on the weekends, I would leave on Thursdays or Fridays,
depending on what time my class finished, and I drive
(12:29):
to Irving and go to work.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Where were you working at at dealers? What?
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Uh? Huh? I worked Friday Saturday and half a ship
on Sunday. And after I got off on Sundays, I'd
drive back to Didnton and get ready for class the
next morning.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Parent you was because I didn't know that because I'm
not I wasn't home, so I didn't I didn't have
any knowledge of what your process was and then to
what it was for you to navigate because one of
the things I'm thinking because you had that experience of
going to college because we left. I had that experience
(13:03):
because I was the first to leave. So for me,
that confidence was. I think for me, my confidence was
in my athletic ability. I knew I could will ask that.
That's just what it was like. My confidence was like, man,
I'm go out here and go to work. But the
lack of confidence is I didn't know who I was.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
That's the major part right there.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
And I think when children like we did experience the
type of trauma and experience the type of things that
we went through, and then to the parentification, like because
it's swapped it because I was a care you know,
sort of caretaker for you guys, and then all of
(13:53):
a sudden, I leave and Candy's going, and now you're
like this caretaker for the entire house. And I gotta
ask you because I've never asked you this before. You know,
what did that make you feel? Like?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Honestly, mmm, I don't even know if I can put
that into words. Uh empty, Now, don't give me to crime.
But when y'all left, it was like, what am I
supposed to do? Because you know, we were like we
still are, the three amigos, Like we do everything together.
(14:30):
And so when you left, I knew I could go
to college because you went one thank you, and two
I knew I could go to college because Candy went
to college. But then I'm like, well, you know who's
gonna be here with mom? You know who's gonna, you know,
help out around the house. I just felt empty, and
(14:53):
so majority of that time, and you know, that was
a rough patch when you left and when Candy left
and y'all were in the same area because you were
in Stevenville, and for a period of time she was
a ranger. So I know you remember, but y'all were
marpool on the weekends and coming home, and I mean
when y'all come home, I'm like, oh man, yay, finally
(15:14):
we get to kick it and hang out and kind
of get that break because everything was always so heavy
at the house because we were having such a hard time.
It was. It was a tough patch of time there,
and I remember it so vividly because everything was always
like clustered, like it was always the break.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Yeah, it's like this, and then once you get through that,
come south to.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Health, el boom, and it was man, it was like
then for like two three years. And so when it
was time for me to go to college, I was like, Okay,
I know I could do this, but man, what what's
going to happen at all?
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Did you did you realize that did it feel like
you got a breaking you left home?
Speaker 2 (16:01):
M Yes and no, Yes and no, because I mean
I still worked and I did most of my stuff
for school, like you know, I applied for school myself.
I bought my books myself. You know, I was paying
from a car myself, pay for man insurance, you know, everything.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
So you was like a full functioning adult, a risk
I wouldn't say that.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Mom.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
I'm not saying that word on if she'll tell you.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
But most of everything that I did, I got it. Yeah,
I wanted to work for it.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
Well, I mean, the truth of it is that I
think it's again it's like the roles not only reverse,
but they swap because most kids that are usually the babies,
are not as independent as the old That's true, you
know what I mean. So then that's what I'm saying.
I think you swapped from from or it went from
(16:58):
me being very good independent and my independence I didn't
feel like it was forced. It just natural. It was
natural for me. But in some ways, the more I've
talked to you, because you know, I was going for
a while and so I don't I didn't get to
move with life with you guys as you're all was
(17:19):
moving through our twenties, and so I came in, I
came back, and you guys are like in your thirties. Yeah, yeah,
just you know what I'm saying. So you're in your
in your thirties. So you got kids now, and you've
had you know, the womanhood, and you've had the motherhood
and then you've had the wifehood. So you've had all
(17:40):
the hoods, you know what I'm saying. So and and
as I'm sitting here, I'm like, man, it's it's almost
like you went on this journey alone to discover not
only your confidence, but to discover you because there wasn't.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
No, there wasn't a blueprint exactly, and the blueprints that
we had were and I don't like the word dysfunctional,
so I'll say unhealthy. They were unhealthy. And when I
tried to use that blueprint, it didn't work for me
in so many different areas of my life. And I
(18:23):
didn't really have anybody to talk to about certain things
because certain stages of life, like you said, we were
so different on because you know, I'm getting married at
twenty two and you're like, chall ain't no way, you
know I'm getting married at that age. In having a kid,
then having two kids, then having three kids, it was different.
(18:46):
And then we didn't see a relationship that lasted throughout
the years, so there wasn't really anybody to look to
for that advice and that guidance.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Pretty much, feel life did a lot of discovering on
your own, just kind of by yourself. And it kind
of makes sense now when you say, man, I felt empty,
because if I'm empty, there is a state of loneliness
that is attached to that them. Absolutely absolutely, did you
(19:20):
get married at twenty two? Why did I not have
to ask you? Because I've never asked you this? Why
did you get married at twenty two? Well?
Speaker 2 (19:28):
One thing I knew from our upbringing I didn't want
a lot of relationships. One Two I did not want
to have children by multiple men. I knew that. And
I didn't want to choose somebody that I knew wouldn't
(19:54):
want to stick it out with me.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
I knew those things.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Now, I didn't know what any of that like, and
I didn't know the requirements beyond loving somebody. That's all
I had. And when my husband and I met, we
just knew we loved each other, and hey, he was
gonna be together, That's all.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Man put That's but but how do y'all know that
are twenty two? Though?
Speaker 2 (20:19):
You know that's a good question, Jay, I don't know
if I thought about that before. But I knew that
he had something that I had never seen, what love,
and that he loved me regardless of what I didn't.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
But how did you know that though twenty two? Right,
like like, oh, okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Yeah, that's it wasn't about money because we was broke,
we didn't have any more.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
But but but no twenty two year old has money.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Yeah, yeah, that's just for nowadays. Apparently everybody does. But hey,
they don't either here nor there. But I knew that
that's what I wanted.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
So you said, you knew he loved you by the
way he treated you, And how did he treat you?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
He handled me with care, It was gentle. He listened
and he didn't listen to everything. So let's get that right,
who dos and honey, I love you, But he didn't
listen to everything, and neither did I. But we we
were determined to work and we did not want to
repeat what we saw. And you know, his mom and
(21:28):
dad were married a long time, Our parents were married
a long time. But we knew that, okay, those two
blueprints are not gonna work. We got to create a
different path for ourselves, and that's what we did.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
So I want for the people that are listening. I
love what you said. He handled you with care, and
I think that it's important if that if the individual
that you connected to, you have to identify not only
the care that you need, but identify if they have
the ability or the capacity to give that care. That's
(22:04):
good you have to because I think with that care,
it also reveals that person's ability to listen, because I
cannot listen, or should I say, I cannot care if I'm.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Not listening, And can I tell you I had to
learn that in our twenties. We went to therapy for
two and a half almost three years, about two separate,
in together.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Separate in so and then you guys were going to
therapy separately and.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
In your Initially we started separately and then we started
going together and we went faithfully for probably two and
a half years. Wow, I didn't I didn't notice because
it was we had a really rough patch. And what
I was saying about learning how to listen, I didn't
(22:57):
know that. I didn't learn that. I thought all the
problems was with him. I didn't think anything was wrong
with me. And I know a lot of women are
like that, and I love women. I support women to
the fullest, but I also know what struggle I had,
and my struggle was listening and thinking I'm right all
the time and not considering his feelings on things, and
(23:22):
just as much as women want to be heard, men
want to be heard as well. Absolutely, And they don't
say that a lot because they're not emotional how we are.
But that's what I had to learn, and therapy taught
me that. And so even though we went to therapy
over ten years ago, we still use those same tools
in therapy to this day when we're communicating with each other.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Wow, that's so healthy. And I'm glad that you said that,
because I do think we're just as emotional as women.
It's just expressed differently.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Uh huh.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
I agree with that, it's expressed diffully. And I think
our inability to express emotionally and to express how we
feel is you only see the expression of anger, and
anger on processed becomes rage. And when you have rage
(24:19):
and it's displaced rage, you're unpredictable. I cannot trust you
if your rage is displaced and it's unpredictable. And this
is why I tell people it's dangerous to be around
people who do not know that they're angry. See, when
(24:41):
you know that you're angry, you're able to feel that.
I watch a lot of men who don't know that
they're angry. They know they're mad. Yes, but they don't
understand that. It's sadness, it's abandonment, it's disappointment, is discouragement,
(25:02):
it's the loss of hope. And I'm saying that because
I know for me when when Dad and Mom divorced,
that is what I felt, and it wasn't until I realized, Yeah,
you're angry, but what you're really what the real issue
is is you're disappointed that didn't work out. You're disappointed
(25:25):
because you thought that should have been there for you
and he wasn't. And the way that it has expressed
is also the way that it hasn't been processed. So
somebody calls you out on something and because you have
not been fathered, well, you are triggered.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
That part, yep, that part that that was a huge
part of my healing when I was in therapy is
you know, I remember sitting down and her name was Missy,
Misty wherever she is in life now. But I remember
(26:04):
sitting down and I'm, you know, like, I don't know
why I'm here, you know, here because it's his fault.
You know, he's put us in the situation. It's all
his fault. And she says, well, I want you to
come back you know, next week or whatever, and I'm like, okay,
you know what time I get back next week, and
I'm by myself that time and starts spun peeling all
(26:24):
of these things. And then immediately it goes back to
the divorce. It goes back to how I processed everything.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
It goes back to.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Why I ultimately don't want to listen to what he
has to say. And it was all of these things
that I didn't even were connected.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Oh yeah, yeah, I CJ will appreciate this because I
talked to CJ doing my interviews for those that are listening,
because one lady told me, can you stop having a
side No, CJ and I I have to talk, and
there's time to read interviews. I can feel him. And
(27:07):
what you just said is I think a lot of
women need to hear is it's not that you can't
hear the man, it's your reasonings for not wanting correct,
listen too young? Correct.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
I think we've had this conversation before, and I've told
you this because you know, I speak very openly with
you about you know what I think you know women
can do better. We have those conversations all the time,
and you always say, man, see That's why I like
talking to you, because you go tell the truth.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Because Priscilla is a brother I've always wanted. That's that's
what this really is about. And my mother lied to me. Mother,
I'm telling the world, and you told a lie to
my mother told me that she was a boy when
they brought her home, because I wanted a little brother
so bad. They told me she was a boy, and
(27:59):
so they have they had her. I remember when they
brought you home from the hospital. They had her, and
I can Mama had on a green jog and suit.
That's how vivid my memory is at five, because I
was five when you and Mama had on a green
jog and suit with some white tennis shoe and she
was you know, had she you know, on her knee,
and your hair was turned and so I couldn't see
(28:22):
with the back. And I walked up. I said, oh,
look at the little baby. And they was like, yeah,
come say hello, and nobody said anything, and and they
picked you up and turn you around. A girl. That's
the girl shadow me. Shattered me, man, shattered me. So
(28:43):
it's day you still treat me like the little brother.
You again. You see a woman, I see a man.
As sir, But the world we live in loves there,
so you could be anything you want to be. But
say that because and because we have a unique relationship,
(29:03):
because you're so balancing your thinking, and I think you
have the balance in your thinking because you begin therapy
early before I did, and all the stuff that we
went through and what it manifested. And for those that
are watching, like parents, divorce impacts children in ways that
(29:26):
you couldn't imagine. And it's not just the separation, it's
it's the model that becomes a very fragmented diad for
us as children because our brain understand this system, but
(29:46):
it doesn't understand when the system is broken career and
somebody has said, hey, you're going to go live here,
and you're going to go to live there. Kids' brains
don't understanding. Now, their brains does have the ability to
adjust because they still in their formidable stage, so you
can kind of mold in shape.
Speaker 3 (30:06):
But emotionally that part because it takes you back to
the stay in the child's place, because if you have
input about it, you shouldn't be in mom and dad's relationship.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
You shouldn't know what's going on. But in my opinion,
it should be the exact opposite. You should be having
a conversation as to Okay, here's what happened, y'all, we're
going to decide to part our ways. Here's why. Has
nothing to do with you, has nothing to do with you,
has nothing to do with you. I feel like that
(30:37):
would have made the world of a difference with everything.
But there was never a conversation. Everything happened and then
that was it. It's like the bottom dropped out, the
rug was pulled, yeah, and then you're you're left to
just continue with life.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
I still remember that day. You remember that.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
I remember that day. You remember the smell in the room. Yeah,
I remember smelling a room. Wow, absolutely absolutely. With that
smell coming across my nose right now, it will put
me right back in that moment. Man.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
I don't remember the smell. I just remember Daddy calling
us in and said we need to talk talk to y'all.
And it was very brash, Yeah, very brash. And and
it's like there wasn't any pumpting or any sort of
kind of like precursor kind of like, yeah, none of that,
(31:38):
which is why in everything that I do, I'm very
careful about tongue. And I'm always careful about how I
set things up. Which is the way I speak is
I speak according to what? Again, going back to what
you said earlier about what we didn't get correct, It
(31:58):
was just like any tall me and mamma get a divorce, and.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Guess what the biggest thing in my relationship is what
my husband will tell you. It's tongue. If the tone
is off, my ears off, same thing. The connectedness of
everything is mind blowing to me. But we don't realize
any of that until we get into life. You're deep
(32:24):
into life, and nobody tells you how all of those
things are connected.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Well, I say this, the adults stand at the altar
and exchange the valves. It's the children, but it is
the kids who have to keep them. Absolutely, it is
the kids who have to keep the vow. It is
your little boy and it is your little girl that
have to keep these vals. The adults say, I do,
(32:54):
do you take this to be your lawful wedded husband, wife?
To cherish the hole? Da da da to depth do
your part? Adults are sitting there saying I do, and
the kids are saying like hell, And.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Those are those same kids that will butt heads for
years and years and years, never really acknowledging or being
able to acknowledge what the real problem is.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
You know, Yah, when I think about this, I'm just
like man, I can step into the room and for
you it was listening. For me, it was understanding.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
I can see that. I can see that.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Because I think being the oldest, the feeling of like man,
everybody's looking for me to step.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Up, correct and not necessarily just step up. But Carrie, Carrie,
everything like I remember you being in college and still
having to to pay certain things.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Pay bills, paying rent. I remember taking my scholarship check
and Mama eight hundred and sixty dollars. I remember I
could see myself counting out the eight hundred and sixty
dollars and I'm saying to myself, this is crazy. I remember, like,
I'm eighteen years old, had eight hundred and sixty dollars
and I'm sitting there like and you don't think about
(34:16):
it because in that moment, it's like I have to
do this.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
Yeah, just as I said, it was, it was ordinary.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
That it was normal, and not that I didn't want to.
But I never got to be a kid.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
Career corect and.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
That's why for me at this stage, I didn't realize
this until like recently, that I look for joy in
the simplest as things, because when I think about a
kid playing, it's always the simplest of things where it's
just like you just running up and down the road
and it's just like it's the most fun you ever had.
(34:55):
And it's like I didn't get a chance to do
that because I was so focused on I got to
be there for y'all. I gotta make it and gotta
make it. And then too, you become an adult, and
then you come to the realization while you have in
trouble to self actualize things, You're like, I can't freaking
do it because I never got to go through the
(35:16):
stages of development. So now I have an arrested development
that's real, and I'm trying to function in something that
I never understood the genesis of.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Oh, that's real.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
And that was my challenge because I'm like man like today,
like I love the smallest things like Jorde. Like I
was walking, I saw a flower swearing from side to side.
I said, look at that flower dancing like it was
just really like I was just like and I was
just like, man, that thing, know, because the wind was
(35:53):
just swearing that thing, and it hit me because oftentimes,
as humans, we're so overwhelmed with our trauma, we're so
overwhelmed with the pressures of life that it's hard to
appreciate the simplest of things. And in that moment, it
(36:15):
was like I was just at a concert watching this
flower perform, and I smiled because I was like, man,
this is really I'm entertained a little bit. And it
brought me back to the little boy because I'm like, man,
I remember those moments. And I'm gonna tell you, honestly,
what really is challenging for me about aging. It's not
(36:38):
even I'm getting older. For me, it is the distance
between childhood.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
I gotcha, Yeah, because almost you still have that feeling
of me and I don't want to grow up.
Speaker 1 (36:52):
Yeah, I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I
don't want to grow up. And not that I don't
want to grow up, because it's like, it's not Peter
Pan syndrome. It's not that right. I'm not climbing trees,
but it's it's the bewilderment of just like, man, this
(37:18):
is who I was as a kid, the joy and
just the freedom, the freedom. And that's why freedom is
so big to me in relationships and business and partnership,
even in what I do. Before I make any deal,
I'm always looking if there's freedom in it. If I
(37:39):
feel like I'm going to be in a prison, or
if i feel like I'm going to be be restricted,
I'm not interested.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
I'm not interested anything that takes away my full ability
to be my full self. I'm not interested in it.
And it's all and all of it is attached to
childhood because we were kids of pastors. So fun for
(38:08):
us was playing church.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
Played church all the time, all day.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
And then playing church was also part of like just
kind of like the reality of like this is our
life and anything outside of church is a sin. Correct.
So it's like I want to ride my bike and
put you know, a paper bag in the back and
the tire so it sounds like a like a motorcycle,
you know all those things. I still remember those things
(38:37):
and not feel like, well, that's the devil.
Speaker 2 (38:39):
Music music, and you know my connection with music.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
I love music. Why you love music? I never knew that,
you know what funny?
Speaker 2 (38:49):
I don't know if you remember this, but you came
home from college one time and you got a CD
burned and I think it was chopped and screwed. And
my connection with music wasn't just like with music, but
it's like with my siblings, if that makes sense, Like
(39:09):
even even with Candy singing, you know, but it was
always that connection. I'm like, Okay, this is home, this
is family.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
So that's always been my connection with music.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
And when y'all left, like that's all I did. You
don't remember I asked for the the uh it's like
a boombox. Then oh, yeah, that's for the boom box
for my birthday. Yeah, remember that you got me that
boom box. And Mom used to be so mad at me,
but I would just be blasting music in that room
all day. But that was always been a connection just
(39:42):
kind of keeps me grounded at home.
Speaker 1 (39:46):
Motherhood. You have three kids, yes, and you have an
amazing door that's on the spectrum. Yes. What has motherhood
been like for you as you were giving your children
something that you didn't have, do you feel like some
parts of that brought healing to you?
Speaker 2 (40:07):
You know what? I'd say The main thing that I
got from mom was the ability to be present and
not just be present but teach. So I make it
a point with the kids to always teach them something
(40:30):
and be honest with them. I know Mom probably wouldn't
agree with this, but she doesn't like always how honest
I am with them, Like I tell them when things
are not great, or tell them when things are not
the best. If I'm not in a good mood, if
I'm not feeling well, I'd like to communicate that with
them so that they could have open dialogue with me.
(40:52):
And I feel like with Ariya being on the spectrum,
that really helps with telling her how I feel so
that she can in turn help me how she feels,
even if I don't agree with it. And that's for
all the kids, not just her. But I know for us,
we talked a lot with me and you, Mom and Candy,
(41:15):
we talked a lot. So I always wanted to let
my kids know that communication is like the biggest thing.
So there was one thing for Ario when she was
diagnosed was her speech. Because she was two and a
half almost three roughly, when we realized that there was
something that is, you know, not right, and when we
got the autism diagnosis, that was one of her main
(41:38):
things was her ability to communicate, and she could. She
was verbal, but everything was like a word salad, so
it was just jumbled up. And so the more and
more she did speech, the more and more we talked
to her and not so much forced her to talk,
but put her in situations where she had no choice
but to communicate what you want or what you need.
(41:58):
It made the world of a day like leaps and
bounds from where she came from to now being eleven
and completely verbal. She does all her routines in the morning.
You've seen her routines. She likes her stuff a certain way.
But she's such a pure heart, like you can't help.
(42:19):
But you know, notice her when she walks into.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
A room as a mother and who was once a daughter,
did that heal some parts of you?
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Absolutely absolutely? Because I'm a little bit of a perfectionist.
So I wanted to be I wanted to do motherhood well.
I wanted to do a good job. I want them
to grow up and be like, oh man, you know, man,
my mom did everything she could. And you know, I
don't feel like I spoiled them or anything, but I
(42:50):
want them to know that I was here. And when
you go out into the world. I want them to
know like, hey, you know, man, her mom must have
really been involved. Oh look look at her like that.
That's what I want to exude. If I don't do
anything else in life, I want to make sure I
do my motherhood job, in my wifehood job. Those are
(43:11):
important to me.
Speaker 1 (43:13):
Now, you know, balancing all of that. Yeah, it's it's
crazy word. It's crazy word.
Speaker 2 (43:21):
Crazy word.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
How do you do it the way that you do it? What? What? What?
What is? What? What is important to you as a mother,
as a wife, and as a woman if you can
answer those three questions? Okay, because this good question. Yeah,
because because this month, you know, we're we're talking all
(43:43):
women and soul. I'm really wanting women to walk away
with something that may be in those three categories, or
they may be in two, or they may be in one.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
Well tell, I'll start by saying what changed over the years.
So when I was younger, my priorities were a bit backwards.
You know, it was always guy first, But I thought
that the kids came second because they were small, and
(44:15):
of course, you know, they needed more from you. And
going to therapy, I learned that that was a little backwards.
And so the older I got, the more I understood, Okay,
there has to be a balance. I couldn't get the balance, right,
I just I could not figure it out. From my
early thirties, I could not figure it out. I was
(44:35):
probably completely terrible ed.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
I'm not gonna mind.
Speaker 2 (44:39):
I would say probably in the past five years is
when I've actually gotten it. And it took a lot
of trial and era, a lot of trial and era,
and God blessed my husband because it was a lot
of talking from him too, and telling me, you know,
you know, I don't need you over here. You know
I really need you over here. And I'm like, well
(45:01):
that doesn't make sense. Why it wasn't registering for me.
But what I've learned is that the kids get to
a stage in their life where they need teaching and
they need nurturing. You know, the kids when they're younger,
they need to be nurtured, right, Okay, that comes from
all They're in the stage of teaching now, and so
(45:23):
Dad gets to do a lot of that and then
I don't necessarily take the back seat, but I get
to have a little bit more of a breathing room and.
Speaker 1 (45:30):
A little more Margian.
Speaker 2 (45:32):
Get to have a little bit of breathing room. And
I learned the work balance the relationship, the kids, and
then taking care of myself. That that was all hard
because you know, in the past six months, I've been
in the gym heavy, you know, trying to get back
on my routine of taking care of myself. Like I
(45:54):
would always make an excuse like I don't have time,
I don't have time. All the while it was just
finding the for everything. And I have time, I do.
I just have to create the time and create the
space for myself for whatever the kids need, for whatever
he needs. It's a balancing act, but it's doable, right,
(46:16):
And I always say that God structured women a certain
way because we do very well with balancing certain things.
You just don't have to pick up everything all on
the same day.
Speaker 1 (46:25):
Yeah, that's what I've learned well, and I think too right.
It's I think it's also a part of understanding what
goes first correct. And I think what I'm often telling
mothers in therapy that I've worked with is that if
the woman is not well, the wife of the mother
(46:47):
will be good.
Speaker 2 (46:49):
No, not at all.
Speaker 1 (46:50):
And I think the message is what I'm hearing you
say to every mother and to every wife, is that
you have to be first priority.
Speaker 2 (46:58):
Absolutely, Like you have to be absolutely.
Speaker 1 (47:01):
Because if this ship goes down because the captain fell asleep,
then we have to ask that the captain have too
much on their plate. You know? Did the captain have
a co captain? Yeah? And I think it's important for all.
And I'm often telling mothers that you were a woman
before you gave birth. Correct, you were a woman before
(47:24):
you gave I mean before you gave your last name,
you know, if you did. It's some of the folks
like this is a different world. It's like I'm hyphening it.
I'm not taking this last name. But but you know,
you were a woman before you took on these other identities, right,
because even motherhood is an identity. It is it is,
and if you're not careful, you'll lose yourself in motherhood
(47:49):
and miss out on who you were supposed to become
as a woman.
Speaker 2 (47:53):
I was one of those women, and it's a daily battle.
It's a daily battle. But I make it a point
to tell my kids. And people may disagree with this,
but I do tell them. You know, before you guys
came along, I was a woman. And so here's what
I'm gonna do today to take care of myself. I
will be back in an hour and a half. I'm
going to the gym. Everything stops, I can. I'm okay
(48:18):
now with not having my hand at every single thing.
Sometimes it's okay to say no and step back. If
the man wants to do something, go ahead. It's okay, Like, yeah,
he may not wash the dishes the way you want
to wash, he may not put them away, may not
even put the laundry up, but it gets washed, it's
(48:39):
in the dryer. It's okay. Everything doesn't have to be
prestige every single day. And I can't be one hundred
percent in all categories every day. Yeah, that's what I've
had to learn. Some days I'm eighty in the wife category.
Some days I'm twenty five in the mother category. Some
days I'm one hundred percent and just taking care of myself.
It just it it varies. But it's okay for me
(49:03):
not to have my hand in every single thing, because
when am I going to take care of myself with
my hand is everywhere else?
Speaker 1 (49:11):
And particularly for you know, mothers who are soon to
be empty nesters. And I've seen so much change with
them because for them it's like, man, I have been
a mother for the past eighteen years, and I am like, no,
(49:31):
this can't end because my identity and who I am
is tied to being a mom. Little Jimmy needs me,
Little there needs me. You know what I mean? Well,
I have to take Sarah here, and Sarah's able to
drive herself down. And I think it's important this goes
for both mothers and fathers. We have to understand that
(49:53):
there are callings that you have, there are dreams that
you have, the visions that you have. I'm often telling
people in therapy, I know that you have kids, but
go after that thing, correct, I don't. I think it's
I don't think it's good for parents to stop dreaming.
And I feel like so many do because they feel like, man,
I can't now and you may not be able to
(50:15):
put all of them in, but if you can start
somewhere and make small deposits, and I think that brings
a sense of fulfillment to you as a man or
a woman rather than just as a mother or father.
Because what if the child grows up and they don't
say thank you? What if they get the award and
they don't say it was my mom or dad that
(50:39):
encouraged me. And what if it's it was my coach
and then my and dad. Are you upset that you're
a second on the list? You know what I mean?
And if this is about pushing and promoting and encouraging
and sending out children who would give back to the community,
(51:00):
that would contribute to society, then you have to question
that for yourself. That okay. And that's the thing when
people ask me about kids, you know, y'all, y'all, y'all.
And I thank God that my sister don't harass me.
Can he harass me more than anybody, But don't harass
me again with the whole kids thing. Like, the one
thing that I that I appreciate about me and my
(51:23):
sister is that I went on my own journey and
there were times that I felt like I wasn't part
of the secret society of marriage and kids and all
those different things. But I also understood that God had
called me to something different. And understanding that he called
me to something different, it was going to require different
from me because I can't move about if I had kids,
(51:46):
and I wouldn't like people always ask me like, so,
what would you do if your ad kids like star
stop that's what I do, stop traveling, Like I don't
like I'm not tied to this. If I got married
tomorrow and start building a family, I'm okay with not
be on a road. I would be at peace, ben
at home my wife and she's say, hey, you know,
can you not go eight times a month? Can you
(52:09):
go three? Okay? Cool? I would have a problem with
that because I found me first, and I found my
purpose first before finding a spouse and then trying to
pull all of my joy and fulfillment out of my
wife and my kids. And now I got a little
boy that I'm watching every day and practice and he's
(52:31):
three because I want him to be the next me
because you gotta go, like I just I don't understand that.
And so I love that you created a healthy balance
and that you started doing for you.
Speaker 2 (52:45):
Yes that was Yeah, it took a long time to
get to that point, but no, it's necessary.
Speaker 1 (52:54):
In closing, you were eight, I think mom and dad
divorced nine okay, not yeah? Nine? What would thirty seven,
thirty eight, thirty eight What would thirty eight Priscilla say
to nine year.
Speaker 2 (53:13):
Old Priscilla, it's going to be okay, and you don't
have to you don't have to be what you came from.
Speaker 1 (53:26):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
And it's okay and it's not your fault. There's a there.
There would have been those words from the people that
probably meant the most coming from them, would have like
(53:50):
changed everything. Had those words came from those people, yeah,
hands down.
Speaker 1 (53:57):
Yeah. But yeah, what did you think about the little girl?
Because I remember when you were just like trying to
figure it out every.
Speaker 2 (54:07):
Day every day. I stand in the house now, because
you know, we we got to a house and into
twenty twenty, going into twenty twenty one, moved in. I
stand in the house to this day and just in disbelieve,
like I don't. I don't believe it's mine. I don't.
Of course you know you paid a bank for it,
but but I don't. I don't believe it. Still, I
(54:33):
don't believe it. It's sixteen years married this year October.
Speaker 1 (54:38):
I've been married sixteen years.
Speaker 2 (54:39):
Sixteen years wow, and been together for uh, it'll just
make nineteen. But like if you would have told me
that from our story, yeah, that would have said, ain't nowhere,
ain't no way but I know God is able one
(55:04):
and then two. If we asked for the tools and
want to actually use them, he would give them to us.
But sometimes a lot of people don't. They don't want
to do that that work, and they don't they don't
want to take the ownership for the shortcomings or the
thing is that they're they're the reason that it did
(55:28):
not work. Yeah, so I wanted to be I want
to be different in that sense. I'm glad that my
husband weren't the same because we have very similar, very
similar history.
Speaker 1 (55:43):
What what does healing means for you?
Speaker 2 (55:47):
Oh, that's a tough question. Chrick showing up every day
and giving yourself enough grace to keep at it like
something I think that a lot of people don't do
anymore is give yourself grace, like, no, we're not gonna
(56:09):
get it right every day, do you do? You stop
building the house because y'all run out of bricks. No,
you order some more bricks so you can finish building
the house. Keep showing up. That's what healing is. You
keep showing up. You may not get it right on Monday.
It may change come Friday. You may have a different response.
(56:29):
You may learn something on Tuesday that you can use
on Friday, but just keep showing up. And I'm making
it a point every single day to keep showing up
and being intentional.
Speaker 1 (56:41):
That's good. That's good. I like that because that's kind
of what I live by, Like I live by, keep
showing up, keep cheap, being available for what may be present. Correct,
you know what I mean? Because I think healing is
(57:01):
not linear, so I think there's different pathways. And of
course we know that there are different modalities and different
ways to heal, whether it's therapy, whether it's through sound, baths, yoga,
and all of these different other things that people use.
But I think for me, it's always been keep being
(57:24):
available for what may be present, because it may be
present in the transaction of passing somebody out of store.
I remember C J and I were in Canada and
we're talking to this blind guy. I have to tell
you guys this story. It is hilarious. We're talking to
a blind man who has a stick and has a
(57:46):
shade and we're talking to him because it's like, Okay,
dude's blind and he terms of hot. It looks at us,
that's like, and we had this full conversation. It's a
hilarious story, but the message in it was that he said,
if we really give attention to humanity and who we
are as people, we're not any different from each other, no,
(58:10):
what not.
Speaker 2 (58:11):
And you know that by both the degrees that you
have because you had to study that and studying why
we think the way that we do. Everybody's interconnected, we
all are.
Speaker 1 (58:22):
Yeah. And in that moment, like I experienced healing with
this guy because I'm like, he's blind and in this
it's like, wow, he still had enough in him to
have a conversation with us and he could tell that
we were black too, And Yeah, it was a powerful
(58:42):
conversation and saying that because when you are available, you
can receive what's present. What's present and what I'm hoping
that people take away from our discussions. Discussion today, you
didn't cry, so you have to. Yeah, almost. So she
(59:03):
begged me not to make her cry. So I wanted
to honor that as the oldest and as the brother
of a brother. You know, let me let me stop,
because I don't want these folks that come for me
and we're just joking people, we're just joking. I see
her as a woman, This is my little sister. But
for those of you that are struggling because you say,
(59:24):
doctor J, man, I'm tired, and I know it's tiresome
because showing up takes work, it takes effort, showing up
takes energy. No one talks about the energy it takes
to show up and how you have to muster that
energy together. But what I want to say to you
(59:46):
is that you are worthy of showing up for yourself,
and I hope that you continue to do that and
remember until next time, healing is a journey and wholeness
is the destination. Just here with Doctor J a production
of the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
(01:00:07):
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows, and you can follow me at
King J. Barnett on Instagram and x and follow us
on YouTube. Just here, Doctor J.
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