July 22, 2025 • 56 mins
Special guest Krystal Shanelle stops by Just Heal with Dr. Jay Barnetts into the multifaceted journey of healing, management, and personal growth. They discuss the challenges of balancing professional responsibilities with personal life, the importance of character development, and the spiritual call that guides their paths. Krystal shares her experiences working with artists and navigating relationships, emphasizing the significance of surrendering to God and trusting the healing process. Tune in and join the conversation in the socials below.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, welcome back to another episode of Just Here
with Doctor J. I am your host, Doctor J, and
I am excited because this is an episode that my
producer CJ has been waiting for. Uh. And and there
are some people who watch a live that I did
with Crystal, Uh, They're like, man, when you're gonna have
(00:20):
Crystal a well, guess what people, she is here for you.
Miss Crystal Chanelle is a close, dear friend of mine.
She was my first manager, and so I'm excited about
this episode because we getting into all things healing. We're
talking about managing me. Uh, We're talking about how it
(00:44):
got started. And I just want Crystal to share her
journey of not only just about managing and working with
some of the you know, top artists uh in the
music world, but is also all the things that she does.
Manjean been a mom, business woman and a woman, So
(01:06):
all those three elements that we're gonna get to talk to. Chris,
what's up. Welcome to the Hilling community.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
So we're here and here, don't start.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Well, we get together, man, it is always a great time. Listen.
It's so good to see you. Six the last time
we see each other probably last time he was giving
me a word nine times out of ten or telling
me a word here I digress. Yeah. So well, welcome
to the Hilling.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Thank you guys for having me. I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
We've been talking about doing this this episode for years,
Like we did before he was a podcast. We was like, yo,
we gotta do a lie and then it was like, oh,
the lie went off, but now it has somewhere to
live because the stuff you even shared on that lie,
I was like people needed to hear this information. So yes,
(02:05):
so you know you are all things management, business, business,
and and all things you know with with not just
trade the truth as an artist, you work with me,
you work with so many other artists behind the scene.
How did you get to, you know, being who you
(02:27):
are and working with these artists? I know I was
like the first person you work with that was kind
of that wasn't an artist.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
He was close though, he was close. Yeah, I was closed.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Yeah, So how did you get into this space?
Speaker 2 (02:42):
So if I trade, I'm an accountant, started in the
off field, moved to Houston, ended up with you. I
don't know how just kind of stumbled upon each other. Honestly,
I feel like it sounds like I'm a manager overall,
and I do do business and I do do management.
That's what I'm degreeving, But I think it's more of
(03:05):
the development of people in purpose. That's the just of
what I do that most people don't see. So, yes,
I handle a lot of business, Yes I handle accounting,
Yes I do payroll, Yes I get to make bookings,
but the most of what I do is help people
operate in the level of who God called him to be.
That's fladed heavy. Oh, It's kind of like a trick, right,
(03:29):
Because God says, okay, I want you, you say christ
I want to work with you, or somebody says, hey,
I love the way you do business, Come and do
my business, and you're like, okay, cool, I'm gonna tackle
your business. And then you realize that this person is
not who they profess to be, Like God has more
for them to actually do. And then he's like, Okay,
this is what I want you to do with this person.
But he always tricks me initially like help them with
(03:50):
their business, but it's like, no, that person's a profit,
that person's an apostle, this person's a pastor. Walk them
through that, and I'd be like why, I mean I
don't know. I'm still asking it.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Still ask that question. When you ask that question, what
is the answer that you get because I called you
to And when you hear that, how does that make
you feel? Honestly?
Speaker 2 (04:13):
How do I hang up the phone? I don't want
that call? Truthfully, I sit and I watch people run
towards a call that I would never like. If I
had to choose it, I wouldn't have chose it. So
it kind of scares me when people run and say
this is who I am spiritually or this is my title,
(04:35):
because I think people miss the part that the hits
that we actually take to be that person. I don't
want that. I never signed up for that. I would
give it back. And all the people who say that
that's what they are and they really not that I
would like to give it to them because they walking
in fakeness. But hey, you know, but I think when
you I feel like I've understood that my call is
(04:57):
not negotiable. So it's better to obe in the call
then to get drug. Because I've gotten drug a couple
of times, my god, and I'm cool on that, So
I just obey.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
Now, you know, as you're as you're talking about that
I'm thinking about how we first met and because I
didn't want to. And we often talk about when you're
really called and annoying it to do something, you're not
running to do it because you understand what comes with it,
(05:28):
and then you understand the things that are not talked
about that comes with it, that no one, no one
you know, cares to even discuss openly. So it's almost
like you get in it and you're like, oh, dangn
y'all dealing with all of this. That's why I like you.
You you hit that thing on that head. Be careful
(05:50):
of people who are telling you who they are.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Yeah, I wouldn't, like I don't I'm Crystal, I don't this.
I don't run by my titles, even my degrees. It's
for me, like, of course, if I'm applying for a
job or something, they're relevant, but I prefer to And
you know, I think sometimes we misunderstand. It's like, oh,
don't shrink yourself to you. No, I know exactly who
I am. I'm a big dog. I know that, but
(06:13):
the price I've paid to be here still stings a
little bit. So when you make it to a certain
level of success, you almost can enjoy it because you're tired.
You've been running, you've been fighting, you've been warring, and
it's like, okay, I mean I'm here, yay, but I'm tired.
And no, there's no finish line. You're continuing to do
the work day after day, so you're having to process
(06:34):
how you feel, what you think, and how to balance
all of that. So people that tell me like this
is who I am and I'm excited about a certain title,
I'm like, y'all weard, but hey, you.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Know very well. Because people who are wanting to get
to a stage and a platform really scares me.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
It's so much light and the light brings heat. Why
do I want to sweat? Like that's not you know,
something that I want to do. So when you watch
them walk to that and so it's such a great rise,
but then the fall is just this great when you're
running towards something, especially the people that claim that they're
there and they're not called to it because you can't.
(07:15):
There's no glory to keep you there. There's no character
development because yes I have a title or yes i'm
this person, but if I don't work on me, I'm
not going to stay there. I don't have the character
to stay there. I don't have the bandwidth, I don't
have none of these things that keeps me in that place.
So I'm constantly trying to fight to be in a space.
And I don't prefer to be out the way and
(07:37):
behind closed.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Doors, which is why I always say I would rather
be in Portugal somewhere, yes, and not doing with quietly
and not caring about what others feel, meaning like not
how you feel about me, but how you feel from
what you've gone through. And I have to now be
open allow him to work through me so you can
get your healing to help you do.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
What you want to do while I'm still struggling with
what you left me.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Oh my god, I was so ready for this episode
as much as c J was. But talk about character
development in what you do? Why is that so important?
Speaker 2 (08:16):
It's kind of like when you talk about an artist, right,
Like a lot of artists are really great, a lot
of hairstylists are really great.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
But if you if.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
You're a stylist or you're a business person, but you
don't have good customer service, then your business only can
go so hot high and then you plateau. If you're
an artist, and you get in front of the camera
and they ask you the wrong thing you can be
in this culture canceled because you've said something that I'm
from Louisiana. So a lot of words that we may
say can get me canceled, but it doesn't mean what
(08:43):
other people would think that it means. So it's like
developing myself to be able to continue to grow. But
then I think the biggest piece is even to figure
out what's wrong with me before I even develop those pieces,
because you got to be aware self wise of what's
with you, what you've dealt with, what are the root
issues that you have, and how to begin dealing with
(09:05):
them or else, you know, you're just kind of running
in circles chasing your tail. But it's super important because
I think a kind of I always tell my kids,
like accountability seems harsh in the beginning because you're somebody's
telling you something about yourself, but it's the very thing
that will that will help you build and you won't
be able to be stopped when you get to the
(09:26):
top because you're accountable to self and it helps you
to be.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Successful because the sess will kill you if you're under
developing your character.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
It'll hit you like it's on the bricks. It's like
running into a brick wall, essentially, because we don't know.
And I think the other thing is you don't really
fully know. No one says that this is what success is,
so you're constantly chasing a feeling. And I don't trust
my feelings. They're dangerous, they're scary. I can be from
zero to one hundred. So if I'm trusting my feelings,
(10:01):
were gonna all lose. So when I do business, I
don't do it with emotion. I don't do it with feelings.
I don't come to the table. It's just like spiritually wise,
my kingdom gift is the profit. But people misunderstand that, like, oh,
she's mean. It's just like, no, if God tells me
to tell you something, I'm saying what he said. I
don't put my emotion in it because God doesn't have emotions.
(10:22):
So why am I coming with my emotions to the
table for your word? It's like it has to process
through me, but it's not my word. So I can't
process it with emotions. I can't do business. If I'm
trying to get you a contract, or get you built,
or get your structure built for your contract or your business.
I can't do it with how I feel because we're
all gonna lose because my emotions they be all over
(10:43):
the place. I have to manage that so we can
win successfully as a.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Woman and a woman who works with so many men,
and a woman who is understanding of her emotions but
all so not allowing the emotions to be the driver
and decision. Is that something that you had to work
at or is that something that you just kind of was?
(11:10):
What was that like for you?
Speaker 2 (11:11):
On a Myers bring, I'm only thirteen percent emotions, so
that's kind of my baseline. But yes, dealer with men
because I have a tough relationship with my father. Early on,
he was an addict and he got better, and I
still kind of struggle with those pieces. So working with
a lot of men could be very tough because when
I see traits of what I dealt with my father,
(11:33):
it'll sting. It's kind of like a trauma space. So
sometimes if something hits, it's like you get a different
version of me that I've had to really manage, especially
dealing with who I'm currently dealing with because he's alpha,
so it's like his alpha and my alpha used to
and having to take a space where I was submitting
not to the person, but to the space. And that's
(11:55):
what I learned. The biggest oof is that you know
sometimes when I'm a man and it's like you know,
you're like who you talking to? Like you don't really
want to smoke with me because I'm not that girl,
Like I'm not weak. And it was always me early
on having to prove that I wasn't weak until God
just really started dealing with me, like, you don't have
to defend yourself. What are you doing? You're here to help.
(12:17):
I can't use you like this, like you are disrespect
to my anointing when you're doing this type of behavior
when you just just chill or just relax, And I
just I didn't get that because I always felt like
I had to keep hitting something. But when I learned that,
I'm not submitting to the person because men and women
are flawed. I'm submitting to this assignment that God put
(12:41):
me in because what I need from God when we
work together. You could never give me what I needed.
It wasn't the dollars that you were paying me. I
needed God to move because I was walking in that
assignment to help you become this person someone you didn't even.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
See, didn't even see it, didn't even know it at all.
I didn't know I was me. You know Bishop Jake's
pre semessage call I didn't know I was me. That
was so powerful. And it's the messages about what you
just said is not only walking with people who didn't
know that they were them, but also you walking with
(13:16):
me when I didn't know I was me.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
That's tough because you have to get outside yourself. I
have to be super patient and loving with who God
showed me that you were before you even because you
know he has some moments what's doing. And what I
had to learn prophetically is that you're in the future.
(13:38):
So you were in the present, but what God was
showing me about you was in the future. So it's
like I had to tone that back a bit so
I identify that. Okay, wait, he doesn't know who he is.
It's my job to help him walk out. When you
saw you, you saw a former player who was going
to school trying to figure out the therapy thing. I
(14:00):
saw this. I saw a king, I saw a prophet.
I saw a person who was gonna change generational lines
for other people. But it's like the bridge to get there.
I had to control me so that you could get
to where you needed to be. That's tough, though, because
there was some some some tough moments.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
And it's tough because I feel like I'm walking with
somebody like that right now.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
But that's that's how the gift is. I pull you
up and then you go get.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Somebody else because I'm pulling him.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Yeah, And that's what it is. It's it's and sometimes
like you don't never get to see and God has
blessed us to where we could see the other side.
But that's not always the case.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Oh it is not it is not six, It is
not always the case. Man.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
That's the tough part. That's tough. But I'm so proud,
Like point, I'm proud because your journey was hard. People
see this, they see this camera, they see all of
this stuff. But the knights that you cried, the time
that you did I know who you was, or when
the money was funny because God had to show you
how to manage certain things and you couldn't see what
(15:06):
I saw. It was tough to get you like no way,
come on, keep going, We're gonna get there and all
of these things. But I'm super proud that you didn't stop,
because there were moments that you could have and you didn't.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
I was sitting there thinking about when I was in Atlanta.
I moved to Atlanta because we're gonna be open this.
This is my dog. I moved to Atlanta. She didn't
say anything. She was just like, Okay, go I get
to Atlanta. When I tell you, God whipped my behind,
(15:39):
I'm talking about whip my behind. I'm talking about every
stone I turned over. Nobody would hire me, nobody would
work with me. It was like I was like I
had a disease of sickness. That was just like it
was like because it was almost like nobody would touch me.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I remember you being on the phone with you one
day and you go, did you do you really think
you were supposed to go to Atlanta. I'm doing another
accent and I'm like, she said, you really do you?
She know you asked me, you said, did God tell
you to go to Atlanta? And I remember pausing him
(16:20):
like I didn't know, and I think I said, God
said go to Atlanta. Because when you are not hearing clearly,
you can create the voice in your mind and call
it God if you're not careful. And we don't talk
about that enough because we are so in golf into
(16:43):
what we wanted. And I wanted to go to Atlanta
because I thought I needed to change environments and I
thought I need to be in a new space. And
what God did was use that space to say, I
tell you what, good brother, I'm gonna put you in
this cave and I'm gonna get you to surrender, because
that was what I was running from in Houston. I
(17:05):
didn't want to surrender.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
That was your room in to eight twenty. And I
think sometimes we think, Okay, I'm out of God's will,
so he not gonna move. I'm just gonna down here.
It's like, no, He's gonna use that as your space
and he was. I was like, why are you going
to Atlanta? What are you gonna do over there?
Speaker 1 (17:24):
And you know, and he was, what's crazy is that
when you're off course, you're really on course?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Yeah, because he'll make it good even when it's bad.
He's that awesome.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
And he made it bad. God, he made it bad. Man.
I let me tell y'all something. Man. I had gotten
a place at Smyrna, Georgia, right off of two eighty five,
beautiful place, and I couldn't afford to pay the rent.
And when I look back at it today, it wasn't
(17:57):
it wasn't much. It was like maybe eleves and it
was like a huge space, and I'm just like, God,
why can't I pay this rent? And it wasn't like
I wasn't making money, but nothing was shaking for me,
nothing was.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Coming because you're trying to do it on your own. Yeah,
we always do that. We're smart, we're educated. It's like, okay,
well I can just go get a job. I'm gonna
pay my bills. And what he wants to know is
are you gonna trust me to be your provider? That's
the big thing, is like will we surrendered? And when
you have that non negotiable call everything I called it,
(18:37):
there's no democracy here. It's one of those things like, hey,
you have to depend on me for everything, and when
you're independent, that's hard that I'm gonna call you and say, well,
I gotta live, like for what. But he's saying, I
want you on a certain trajectory of where I'm taking
(18:59):
you because you're gift. It's not for you. Your gift
was for them, for the people that he was calling
you to, but you were trying to live your life
for you and he's like, yeah, no, I didn't break
you for that.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
And I remember you telling me you can't give it back.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
It's been trying for forty two years, and.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
You kept saying it's non negotiable, and I'm just like, dude, why,
because that heaviness and that that that's just that pool
because even when you're running, you feel like, man, I
don't think I didn't ever feel like I was getting away,
but I did feel like there was some like kind
of moment to breathe. And then it's a facade. It's
(19:40):
almost like a being in a desert and it's like, oh,
there's water, and it's like, oh no, this is mirage
and it's like and it's like I kept going back
and forth and hitting my head time at the time
after time at the time, and when my healing started
is when I fully surrendered.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
And it's a process because I think sometimes people think
like there's this magical moment with palm trees where you're
just like, oh, I surrender and you're like in the
Garden of Eden, But surrendering is constant. It's almost every
season because as you continue to grow from higher heights
of deeper debts, there's another level of surrender respir like, Okay,
(20:21):
what does it.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Do You feel like you're still in the process of surrendering.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Yes, I'm surrendering, but now just being here to say
yes to you, because you know me, I'm a background player.
I don't want nobody to see me. I'm not like,
I'm not that person. I don't need to be seen.
I have three thousand followers. I'm not trying to dance
on TikTok. That's not me. I don't do none of that.
I'm out the way. I just want my invoices paid
(20:45):
and I want to make it to heaven and I
want my children to be successful. That is it. That's
all I want. But somewhere God got some other plans
and I'll keeps just telling me as we go and
I'm just trying to obey.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
That's it, Listen, that's my thought process constantly, Like I
love that I get to do this and CJ, you know,
he checks on me every day. Like there's days where
I'm literally like, why are you texting me?
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Those cocon dates.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Because there are days that I just it's not that
I don't want to be bothered, but him texting me
is also a reminder of we're building something, yeah, And
it's also reminded that, hey, I'm checking in because he'll
check in like like like tomorrow, because we work, you know,
all day to day. He'll check in and say how
you feeling, how you're doing because of the poor But
(21:44):
then I'm reminded, like, man, this thing ain't going nowhere.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
Every day. I talk to Tray every day and someday
and like his call is so heavy and he's just
starting to realize that. And we've been dealing with this
for eight years. This man is just like you had
no idea. So every day he called me, I'm like, oh,
we still at it. I've been looking for an exit
for eight years because the weight to carry someone like yourself,
(22:13):
someone like him with a heavy annointing, it hit me
before it hits you. And that's what people don't know,
Like you're where you are and you're heavy. When I'm
carrying you, it hits me first. So I'm carrying it
for both of us. Then I have five kids that
I'm carrying it for, so It's like the heavyweight is
in the front, but the big weight is in the back,
(22:37):
because I have to make sure we both don't fall
when I'm assigned to you, because if I fall, you dead.
And that's why God stay on you, because he's making
sure that the person you're called to carry don't fall.
Because every time I pour into somebody, imagine being able
to carry somebody that got a heavier weight than you.
That's why a lot of mentors become falls because a
(23:02):
lot of times you're covering a David who's gonna be
a better king than you. Imagine being able to see
somebody and you're not healed, and God tells somebody to
go mentoring and the heartshipt. I didn't have a saw
mentor before. So it's like you have to balance that
because sometimes I could get mad at you if I
(23:23):
ain't right with my heart because you didn't ask me
to help you. God did. I can't mistreat you because
of what He told me to do. And many times
God has checked me my socks off, like what are
you doing? You're looking for this person to help you.
I told you to serve. I told you to go in,
so what you mad at them? For that's on me.
(23:43):
You got a problem, take it up with me, don't
take it off on them. So when the phone ring
and it's like, hey, we got this and that to
do today, I'm looking at the phone and guy's like,
check your attitude, get your spirit and honor. I'm keeping you.
So did you not come to me this morning to
lay down that burn at the altar? Or you want
to card and then be met at that person? What
(24:04):
you're gonna do.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
It's on pause for a second and just let that
that just marinate. Because David and I talked about this
and the weight of what you were carrying, and I'm
loving that you sharing it because you're also sharing it
(24:30):
from the perspective of female. And we talked a lot
about dating, you know, and talked a lot about you know,
what is it like to be with somebody that has
like a strong calling a mandate. And I've always seen
myself as having the three m's right for the mandate,
(24:50):
the mantle, and the mission, and all three of them
carry their own weight for what they represent because the
mission is to be carried out, you know, for the people.
The mandate is this is a this is non negotiab
(25:11):
and then the mantle is the I'm not Lord. You know,
I'm not saying calling a yoke, but the mantle is
almost like this cloak of just like has just set
on you, and no matter how much you do this
and try to adjust it, that thing ain't going nowhere.
And I'm saying, and I'm saying to God, hey man,
I'm not Elijah. Elijah was like, hey, I want a
(25:35):
double portion. I'm like, what are you Like? Even when
I read that, it's like, what was you own? Bro?
Like what was you thinking? And so my battles at
times is not trying to, you know, negotiate out of it,
but it's constantly trying to sort of find understanding in
(25:58):
it because I don't like yourself. It's like, I mean,
it's a blessing to be a blessing right now in
this season because to be in a season where I
know what lack feels like, I know what it's like
to go speak and there's no invoice and they're like
shaking your hand you like, well, I thought y'all was
(26:19):
gonna give me some God bless you. Man. We appreciate you, like,
I know what that's like, and I know what it's
like for somebody to feed you and to say thank you,
and so to be in this season. I'm grateful, but
I only think about what you just said. I don't
have kids, so for me, it's like, man, I just
want to get to heaven and make sure you know
(26:39):
what I'm saying. Things are good and I have the
essential because even for people like us to be blessed,
it's not to be somebody who's flexing. It's like the
blessing is also to do more with what we've been giving.
So that's usually my warfare. It's like every day for
(27:02):
the past three weeks. When we got back from Canada,
it was just like, Man, I literally woke up every
day and said, God, Man, thank you. And I said,
because I know it's you that's keeping me going, I've
had them days like it's like it's like I'm just
in my closet just like, man, dude, it's you, because
(27:27):
the human the man in me is like, man, you
can have this, yeah, and people.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Be coveting that. That's the crazy part. People will covet
what you carry, not knowing that you barely standing up.
You pretty much like a hunchback of artre down trying
to carry the weight of what's on you.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, and and and two in this healing space because
not only are we being healed, we're also leading people
to their healing. And then we're leading people because now
that I'm where you were with me, I get it.
It's like leading people to their healing. And you're like, hey,
(28:11):
that's freedom on the other side, waiting for them to
choose them choose the healing, and God is saying not.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
Now, yeah, now, we can't get to it.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
No, I need to teach them this. Yeah, I need
to teach him that. So what has your healing journey
been for you? Like? Who was that person when you
discovered who you were? Who was the person that saw
who Crystal was before Christalin came.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
Christly ironically, I'm a lady that my mom used to
work with. My parents went to her to basically complain
that I was this crazy person or hard to deal with,
shall I say, And she couldn't understand from her perspective
how parents could have such an issue with their child.
(28:58):
Leave it at that, and so she felt the need
to get to know me because she as a mom,
she couldn't and a healer of hearts, that's her sign
that she have a pastorial heart. She couldn't understand how
somebody could do to their child like that, right, And
so her and I got to know each other, and
she would call me every day every day. Are you okay, baby, I'm.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Praying for you?
Speaker 2 (29:21):
And I'd be like, girl, I'm with this five piece
of chocolate right now. I hit you babe, woo, I
got something going on. She would call me every day,
every day till one day I was having a bad day.
We started talking. God used her. I had a stony heart.
I would have never been able to be used by God.
(29:42):
I was so angry things happened to me in my
childhood that I just couldn't get over. The people that
were supposed to protect me didn't grew up in church
and getting preached on and all these things with you know,
they say they love God. Because I initially saw the
church as a representation of God, I'm like, yeah, that's
what God is. I'm cool on that, you know. And
(30:04):
so I get to a space where every day I
had never My grandmother loved me and she loved God,
but she didn't know God like my spiritual mom did.
So when she was doing it, it was just like
God was using her in human form, and each time
she would give me things to work on. And at
the time, I had recently had bilateral pulmonary embolism, so
(30:25):
I couldn't go nowhere. I couldn't move back. Then I
used to like to go outside. The clubs had smoking it,
so I couldn't go out no more. I couldn't drink
because I was on bloodin us. So God just started
using her to deal with me. And she just started
telling me who I was. And I'm like, bro, yeah,
I'm good on it. Yeah, I mean, I'll go to church,
(30:47):
I'll pay my tithes, but all of that. So she
walked me through this process and I started to understand.
And God, because I was at a steel place, he
started talking to me, and he started telling me that
there was people that needed me. I'm like, who need me?
I'm broken, I'm battered, I'm bruised. I got these kids
and nobody paying j'all support, Like what's happening right now?
(31:08):
And the more I kept walking it, the more I
realized that it was bigger than me and I just
had to accept it. So by the time I made you,
I was fast forward to Houston, came to Houston for
a job, got fired, started being an entrepreneur, and not
fire but laid off, but started being an entrepreneur, and
I just felt lost. So when I started when I
(31:30):
met you, it was like I was looking at me
when I was there, and I knew that outside of her,
she helped me with my heart, but my head was
another story. My mind was another story, my mouth was
another story. So by the time I met you, I
was like, man, if I had a meet for me,
I would have been in a better spot earlier. And
(31:53):
so it was easy for me to submit because there
was some things I needed God to do and I
was like, Okay, well if I do this, you do
you know, I'm gonna do what you want me to do,
but I need to do this. So I was over
there a bargaining with the shooting little dice. That's how
me and him moved so and I don't think I'm
healed all the way. I enjoy the journey now. I
(32:15):
think i've in the time that we worked together, in
the time that I've been I was a lot harder
when we were together. Moe tame Gorilla, A little bit
of spiritual a little bit of roughness, rough neck, whatever.
But now I just feel like at peace. I've accepted.
(32:37):
You know, me and God still be talking about when
he send me certain people, I'll be like, yeah, no
I'm not. I don't go bring them to somebody else,
but we negotiate. But right now, I feel like I'm
at peace. I feel like I've walked into my womanhood.
I've successfully raised four of my five kids. I got
my twelve year old still, so I'm at peace. Like
there's just so much So when I see this, I'm like,
(32:59):
when you ask me to come here today, it was like, Okay,
I guess it's time. So it was like another level
of submitting and surrendering to where we are and where
we walked. So I'm here.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
And you're here in such a way that it's loud
for you because for you, you like silence, which is
why working behind the scenes is perfect because it's solid
back there, because when you come out front, it gets loud,
(33:34):
and I'm making that it is loud. And what I
love that women will get to see is that surrendering
looks different in so many different facets because you have
not only the surrender to God, but you have the
surrender to your purpose. Your calling, your assignment. You have
(33:56):
the surrender to your life, your children, and just to
have the surrender where you can now say I'm at
peace with what has costing me. Yeah, And that's where
I'm at too. I'm at a place where, Okay, it's
gonna cost me, and I know it's probably not gonna
(34:16):
be what I want to pay, but I'm okay with
that because I think where we are now, we're at
a place where we understand it's not leaving us. Yeah,
that's nothing that we can do to get rid of it.
And I think the more I lean into what God
has called me to do, the more healing comes through
me for others. And then I've just accepted, like I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
Be used yep. Yeah. And I think too, like what
I've identified is it's costing me something, but when God
give me the change back, it's more than what I
put in. Once I finally just stop trying to control
this situation and I'm like, Okay, it's costing me this.
But then He's like, open your hand, and you know,
(35:01):
as a person who went through a lot of trauma,
I keep my hand, my fistball I used to do that,
tighten my jaw a lot my shoulders. When I finally
started opening my hand and he would release things to me,
it was like, WHOA wait a minute. I put in
fifty dollars and he gave me back twenty five hundred.
This time I paid twenty five hundred, he gave me
back two fifty. I was like, Okay, this is what
(35:24):
you've been trying to and he's like, Dug, I've been
trying to tell you this whole time. If you just
let go and trust me, there's something in it for you.
Because at first I used to see me getting used,
like it's all about the person I'm pouring into. But
because I was a serial sower, I didn't know how
to read. I grew up in a time back in
(35:46):
the day when we was in church, it was always
about being a cheerful give or give, give, give. I
was never taught how to read. I didn't know how
to receive. I felt like if I received, I was
less than so I was always and then when people
would use me, I was mad at them, but it
was like you're giving him when it's really your season
(36:06):
to receive. So I was never balanced. But now that
I'm balanced, I see it like there's a big reward
for me by doing what he's telling me to do.
So as I'm settling in the call, there's just so
much more reverence, peace, grace. I love it here like
nothing really bothered. I mean, you know, with the reason
(36:27):
you're not. And then I get a little ratchet, but
it's small potatoes compared to my big sack I used
to carry on the truck. I had some sex. Well, yeah,
God be doing this big one. He really do.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
And you know I can feel it because I think
we're both there. We're both at a place where in
our reaping, we're also having rest because I didn't have
much of that. You know, when we met, man, it
(37:01):
was just like such warfare and it was just such
weight to where I just felt like, Man, I could
never get any rest. Like I would go to sleep
at night, but I just woke up feeling tired. I
woke up feeling even more worn down. I woke up
feeling like, man, dude, when I ever catch a break,
And that's what I was just looking, just to catch
(37:22):
a break, because I remember one season of warfare where
it was just like I was tormented in my sleep.
It was just constantly and even to be in a
season like that. I'm in now, and God is saying,
this is where I wanted you to get to is
when you took your hands off and let me put
my hands on. I'm showing you what I do when
(37:44):
you let go. Yeah, and true healing can't take place
until we let go of who we think we need
to be.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
And who we think we are, and.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Who exactly and who we think we are. And God
is saying that it's not who you are. I want
to show you who you were called to be. And
part of that is allowing yourself to be molded. I
never forget going through what I went through in twenty eighteen,
and I just remember God telling me, do not get
(38:17):
off this wheel. Let me keep shaping you. Let me
keep molding you. Let me keep developing you. Let me
keep forming you. Let me keep pressing in. Let me
keep pressing in. Because when that potter is pressing in
on that clay, he's not hurting it. It feels like
it's stretching. And it's necessary because if you're going to
(38:41):
endure and have sustainability, you gotta let him press in.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
Yeah. Yeah, it's like the squeezing of the oil. But
then I think too, like when we hold on, we
get drug. So it's like if you just let go,
it's gonna keep moving, but you're not going to be
dragging with it. Teach you what a drug. For a
long time, out of control, just control, ego, pride and control.
(39:06):
I like control was my protection mechanism. I thought I
was doing what was right for me because I was
protecting myself. And I realized, like, my dad's the biggest
protector of them all, so why can't. But again, I
didn't have much trust for people, so it was hard
for me to trust God in full. I said I did,
but I think for me, like when my son, my
(39:28):
baby was born and he had open heart surgery at
two months, you only can trust God. Like when God
take you through a health thing, it's like it's either
you gonna surrender all this is gonna happen. That was
when I started realizing God could do whatever if these
people saying okay, well if you don't, your child could
have a two stints on and then he'll have five
(39:51):
surgeries by the time he's saying, I'm like, yeah, no, okay,
what you need me to do God, because we're not
finna do all eight like, I'm tired. So I saw
the power of healing. And that was when I knew, Okay,
could nobody at that point, couldn't nobody tell me? How
did man do things? I'm like, all right, now what
I go. I'm like David when he went to fight Alid.
(40:12):
He reminded himself of the bears and the tigers and
all that and the allions. That's what I do. I'm like, Okay,
when we went through this, this happened, So I have
to remind myself constantly now when I go through things
that he's the same guy that did that. Watching you
you the same he the same guy that took you
from here to there. So I know he could do it.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
You know, I wanted man, that's that's that's such powerfum word. Uh.
Working with men and there you going. I knew.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
I knew he was gonna get.
Speaker 1 (40:47):
So working with men, you I mean, if you worked
with some good brothers and I'm not talking about you know,
that's just what I like to call men, good brothers.
How did you balance? You know? Because people always ask
it again, I'm bringing this up because people always ask
you like, how was it working with Jay? Was he
(41:08):
did was he dead?
Speaker 2 (41:10):
They like they say, that's not what they say, you know.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
What they said, Like people always tried to wonder, like
most of my managers and people that I've worked with
have been with I've been women, black women, And this
is why I love sisters, because they have supported not
only my work, but they poured into me when I couldn't,
you know, do it for myself. But it was always
(41:34):
this thing as if you can't have platonic relationships for friendships,
and people will always like, you know what I mean,
is this something going on? And and if you could
just speak to that, because yeah, like go ahead, And
because I think there's something to be said about the
(41:56):
integral approach that you have had throughout your career because
you work with a lot of masculine men in the
spaces of entertainment, in the spaces of faith based like,
you've worked with a lot of men.
Speaker 2 (42:12):
So I think the biggest thing, first off, is just
me separating the two, like am I blind? Women would
always when I work with you. For instance, when I
work people always ask me, Jay, fine, you wouldn't hit that,
just like like that's what they say. He trying to club,
But we're gonna tell the truth Shane to death. I'm like, yeah, no,
you know, am I blind?
Speaker 1 (42:32):
No?
Speaker 2 (42:33):
I see all the men I work with, even the
men that work with other people that I work with. Okay,
that's one part of my summer where I'm flying a
lot of men. I ain't blind, and I'm not gay,
no shade to the gay, but I see what I see.
But for me, when you're working, the work supersedes how
(42:54):
I feel. I never wanted to build my businesses on
my back, I'll say that respectfully. And in addition to that,
when God generally puts me working with someone because of
who I'm called spiritually, it's always bigger than me just
doing your books, our business or whatever. So it's an assignment.
(43:16):
And you know my rule, you do not smash the assignments. Now,
me being real, I've done that. It felt good. However,
it killed me pretty much because there was a moment
where purpose started to look like love. There was a
(43:39):
moment and I engaged in that prior to my celibacy.
I enjoyed it. That's me being honest. But you then
realize that you have dishonored God. You felt good, you
enjoyed what the flesh was looking for because you know,
we worked late nights, early mornings, and everybody loves the
(44:05):
godly Crystal, you know, until I get a little savage
and like, oh she crazy. But there was moments where
that happened, and I after understanding what was what was
my fatherly issues and all those things, and I managed that,
then I realized what the how the devil walked me
in today? He opened the door and I gladly walked in.
I'm not even gonna lie, I'm not one of them Christians,
(44:28):
but working with you was like my do over right,
because I always now ask God, show me who your
children are from your perspective. If I see you in
God's perspective, no matter how close we get, I'm not
going to sleep with God's son who needs healing. But
(44:48):
if I keep seeing you as a man who's chocolate
and look good and you got a couple of dollars,
because not my clients ain't Brokener and Crystal love a
man with dollars. But I'm not going to look at
you from that perspective because I'm on assignment, so I
have to stay focused on assignment. So no different than
I wouldn't sleep with a coworker. I'm not gonna sleep
(45:09):
with a client, and whether they pay me or not,
I'm not gonna sleep in an assignment because what I
need from God is bigger than my need to enjoy myself.
I don't say it like that because we're on your
you know, when we talk in private, that's different. But
I've had to that's part of the management of self
(45:31):
that you got to put self in perspective, like, hey, girl,
were not doing it? Because if you're grown and you
have already dealt with that part of yourself, Let's be honest.
In church, they don't tell you your body gonna start talking.
They like, that's a sin, you're going to hell. But
what you doing it purs and you know the dog
(45:52):
want to take a walk. Nobody talks about that. That's
like it's an issue. It's a thing, and you have
to be willing to put that thing under subjection. And
sometimes I don't care how many scriptures you quote to
your body. It is not coming under subjection by quoting
the scripture and the pastor be up there telling you
what not to do, but he go home and tear
(46:13):
it down because he got a spouse. So you have
to find your self accountability, and I have to put
what I know God wants me to do and what
I know He has for me on the other side
of this higher than my need to enjoy myself. And
I did enjoy myself that time. I did, but after
(46:39):
I enjoyed myself the conviction the whip, because that was
somebody that I had something spiritually that for them. But
I gave them something else and it broke the connection
because at that point I'm like, yeah, we can't you know. Sorry,
(47:00):
So I think you know in the era of I'm
looking for my boas because a lot of my queen sisters,
when you ask them how they're doing, they're telling me
they're looking for they both not that I don't understand,
but I do respect it. I think if we put
what God wants us to do before our need for
(47:21):
a relationship and connection and I desire to be with someone,
I think we would get a lot done faster, and
then God could give us those things. Wow, I said
it nicely.
Speaker 1 (47:38):
I just wanted you to cook, and that's exactly what
you did. You heeded the stove, put the water on
the pot, it got the boiling, and man, you did
you did what you were supposed to do being at
that place and learning that lesson, And what would you
say to the woman that's trying to maavigate her walk
(48:03):
business in womanhood?
Speaker 2 (48:06):
Be honest with yourself and give yourself grace because we
do mess up. You see how we just talked about
my mess up. I stand on that right. I take
this thing from Eminem into eight mile. When he told
his opponent the issues that he had within himself, his
opponent had nothing against him. The devil can't play with
me with what I did wrong, because I tell him myself,
(48:26):
and I always tell people, be honest about where you at.
Because even though I practice celibacy, there's never a moment
where I can't say that I might jump on someone.
I can't say that I'm not I would lie about that.
I'm honest. I don't. Oh my god, I'm a virgin
Mary like no. I think if women just be honest
with themselves, give themselves grace, and just continue to walk
(48:50):
their walk day by day like we did and didn't
give up, I think they'll be fine life. I think
a lot of times life is just life, and we
have to treat it as such. I feel like sometimes
we make it harder or bigger than what it was.
Speaker 1 (49:03):
We do. So just keep it light, keep it going, man, Crystal,
like this this is so rich. And I'm just sitting
here processing because when you said earlier, I want to
go back to something you said. Man, we get to
see this on the other side because I could tell
you when we first started ten years ago, because it
was twenty fifteen, ten years ago, and this is twenty
(49:26):
twenty five, and to see where I'm at, I just
want to say publicly thank you.
Speaker 2 (49:33):
I never knew we would get I knew where you
would be. But here's the thing. Your gift don't work
for you. So I didn't see me. I saw you.
Speaker 1 (49:41):
Yeah, I mean because I didn't know I was mean.
I didn't know this, I didn't know. I had no clue.
I just I can see myself now even when I
met you, just as loss as I was, and just
(50:03):
as lost as I want to be, just not knowing,
searching but not knowing what I'm looking for, lost but
not knowing that I need to be found, Confused but
wanted to be understood. Just all of the things and
all I kept asking for. I do remember this prayer
(50:24):
that I prayed before I met you, I kept saying God,
I kept saying, God, send me a man, and he
sent me you, and he sent you because that was
parts of me needed to be healed, what my mother wounds.
Because listening to you, I had to surrender not only
(50:47):
to God, but I had to surrender to the space,
because my healing journey was that. Sometimes I didn't want
to listen to Mama because there was a barrier because
of what had happened, and I felt like, can't tell
me nothing. In fact, I don't hear what you got
to say. And the relationship and the friendship and us
(51:09):
working together, it helped heal that. And I didn't know
that it was needing to be healed until I moved
to Dallas and I had to see my mother often.
Speaker 2 (51:20):
I remember that we used to call me.
Speaker 1 (51:24):
I didn't know because as long as I was away
from her, I didn't have to deal with it. Yeah,
it's just a phone call. But now you got to
face it. Now you have to and I'm not saying
this by my mom, but I'm saying it's putting somebody
that's my shoe. Now you have to face your accuser,
I mean, the person who violated you Now you have
to face the uncle, you gotta face the cousin, You
(51:46):
got to face the other. Now you have to face
these very people who I don't think some was intentional,
some unintentional, but you got to face the people who
calls her And man, that thing was so hard for
me to work through. And I just remember you telling
me that, hey, you would have to heal this in
(52:09):
order for God will to be done in your life,
because I don't believe I'm sitting here today if I
don't resolve that with my mom. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:19):
What I appreciate though, is that your mom was willing
to go on the journey. That's not my story. There
is no I had to heal without the conversation. I
had to heal without somebody asking me for forgiveness. And
many people have to have that healing where the other
(52:42):
person or people don't say because they would have to
go back to a place that they're not ready for. Yes,
and my brothers and I talked about that. We had
a conversation about it last week for that very reason
that you know, they're younger than me, so they're having
a hard time when one of them is having a
hard time with that process and trying to walk him
(53:04):
through the fact that we may never get that, and
you gotta be okay with that. But I did it
for my kids, and my hope is that they understand
in time some of the decisions I made, you know,
And they're grown now, so they're getting it slowly but sureley.
(53:24):
But I'm proud of you for taking that step. And
the men that have been healed and will be healed
because you did the work is astronomical.
Speaker 1 (53:36):
Yeah, that's all I can do is excel because it's
I still wake up and just like man, I don't
know how I made to the side to.
Speaker 2 (53:49):
Who much is given, much is required.
Speaker 1 (53:51):
And nobody knows what's required.
Speaker 2 (53:53):
We don't even know we walk in it. You sometimes
don't know uside hit you in the face.
Speaker 1 (53:59):
All you know is you've been given, but you don't
know what it's going to require.
Speaker 2 (54:02):
And the higher you get, the more is required, the.
Speaker 1 (54:05):
More it's required. In closing, what is healing for you.
Speaker 2 (54:11):
Krystin every day a journey peace, an opportunity to get
it right again, the understanding of knowing that he that
begin a good work and you shall complete it to
the day he returns. So I don't have to fight
to feel like I have to be perfect every day,
(54:32):
because as long as I wake up, it's an opportunity
to change and heals some things. I'm okay with that.
Speaker 1 (54:39):
Yeah, I love that she's okay with waking up every
day knowing that I get to do it again. I
get a fresh star, I even get to just be again.
You know, I love this thing that I told these men,
and recently Gideon told God everything that he wasn't and
(55:09):
he was challenging God every time he was. God showed
me this and showed me that he wanted all of
these mirrors, if only if he could just just realize
that he was the miracle. And for you that are listening,
that are watching, you are the miracle. If you woke
up today, you're watching this, you're hearing my voice, you
are the miracle. You don't need another sign. That's a
(55:32):
sign right there that you that you are alive and
you have another opportunity to heal, to get it right
and whatever way that you decide to do that. And
I'm hoping that you stay on your heel and journey again.
It's not linear. It's not going to be six months.
It's not going to be a year. For some it
may takes longer, and for some it may be shorter.
(55:54):
But however long it takes, you stay with the process
because you're worth seeing what's on the other side. And
that is my encouragement to you. Again. Thank you to
my good friend Crystal for coming on to Just Heal
with doctor J joining the healing community, and remember subscribe
(56:16):
each and every Tuesday we had new episodes. The visuals
drop on Tuesday at five pm Central Standard Time, and
until next time, remember healing is a journey and wholeness
is the destination.
All right, welcome back to another episode of Just Here
with Doctor J. I am your host, Doctor J, and
I am excited because this is an episode that my
producer CJ has been waiting for. Uh. And and there
are some people who watch a live that I did
with Crystal, Uh, They're like, man, when you're gonna have
(00:20):
Crystal a well, guess what people, she is here for you.
Miss Crystal Chanelle is a close, dear friend of mine.
She was my first manager, and so I'm excited about
this episode because we getting into all things healing. We're
talking about managing me. Uh, We're talking about how it
(00:44):
got started. And I just want Crystal to share her
journey of not only just about managing and working with
some of the you know, top artists uh in the
music world, but is also all the things that she does.
Manjean been a mom, business woman and a woman, So
(01:06):
all those three elements that we're gonna get to talk to. Chris,
what's up. Welcome to the Hilling community.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
So we're here and here, don't start.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Well, we get together, man, it is always a great time. Listen.
It's so good to see you. Six the last time
we see each other probably last time he was giving
me a word nine times out of ten or telling
me a word here I digress. Yeah. So well, welcome
to the Hilling.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Thank you guys for having me. I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
We've been talking about doing this this episode for years,
Like we did before he was a podcast. We was like, yo,
we gotta do a lie and then it was like, oh,
the lie went off, but now it has somewhere to
live because the stuff you even shared on that lie,
I was like people needed to hear this information. So yes,
(02:05):
so you know you are all things management, business, business,
and and all things you know with with not just
trade the truth as an artist, you work with me,
you work with so many other artists behind the scene.
How did you get to, you know, being who you
(02:27):
are and working with these artists? I know I was
like the first person you work with that was kind
of that wasn't an artist.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
He was close though, he was close. Yeah, I was closed.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Yeah, So how did you get into this space?
Speaker 2 (02:42):
So if I trade, I'm an accountant, started in the
off field, moved to Houston, ended up with you. I
don't know how just kind of stumbled upon each other. Honestly,
I feel like it sounds like I'm a manager overall,
and I do do business and I do do management.
That's what I'm degreeving, But I think it's more of
(03:05):
the development of people in purpose. That's the just of
what I do that most people don't see. So, yes,
I handle a lot of business, Yes I handle accounting,
Yes I do payroll, Yes I get to make bookings,
but the most of what I do is help people
operate in the level of who God called him to be.
That's fladed heavy. Oh, It's kind of like a trick, right,
(03:29):
Because God says, okay, I want you, you say christ
I want to work with you, or somebody says, hey,
I love the way you do business, Come and do
my business, and you're like, okay, cool, I'm gonna tackle
your business. And then you realize that this person is
not who they profess to be, Like God has more
for them to actually do. And then he's like, Okay,
this is what I want you to do with this person.
But he always tricks me initially like help them with
(03:50):
their business, but it's like, no, that person's a profit,
that person's an apostle, this person's a pastor. Walk them
through that, and I'd be like why, I mean I
don't know. I'm still asking it.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Still ask that question. When you ask that question, what
is the answer that you get because I called you
to And when you hear that, how does that make
you feel? Honestly?
Speaker 2 (04:13):
How do I hang up the phone? I don't want
that call? Truthfully, I sit and I watch people run
towards a call that I would never like. If I
had to choose it, I wouldn't have chose it. So
it kind of scares me when people run and say
this is who I am spiritually or this is my title,
(04:35):
because I think people miss the part that the hits
that we actually take to be that person. I don't
want that. I never signed up for that. I would
give it back. And all the people who say that
that's what they are and they really not that I
would like to give it to them because they walking
in fakeness. But hey, you know, but I think when
you I feel like I've understood that my call is
(04:57):
not negotiable. So it's better to obe in the call
then to get drug. Because I've gotten drug a couple
of times, my god, and I'm cool on that, So
I just obey.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
Now, you know, as you're as you're talking about that
I'm thinking about how we first met and because I
didn't want to. And we often talk about when you're
really called and annoying it to do something, you're not
running to do it because you understand what comes with it,
(05:28):
and then you understand the things that are not talked
about that comes with it, that no one, no one
you know, cares to even discuss openly. So it's almost
like you get in it and you're like, oh, dangn
y'all dealing with all of this. That's why I like you.
You you hit that thing on that head. Be careful
(05:50):
of people who are telling you who they are.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Yeah, I wouldn't, like I don't I'm Crystal, I don't this.
I don't run by my titles, even my degrees. It's
for me, like, of course, if I'm applying for a
job or something, they're relevant, but I prefer to And
you know, I think sometimes we misunderstand. It's like, oh,
don't shrink yourself to you. No, I know exactly who
I am. I'm a big dog. I know that, but
(06:13):
the price I've paid to be here still stings a
little bit. So when you make it to a certain
level of success, you almost can enjoy it because you're tired.
You've been running, you've been fighting, you've been warring, and
it's like, okay, I mean I'm here, yay, but I'm tired.
And no, there's no finish line. You're continuing to do
the work day after day, so you're having to process
(06:34):
how you feel, what you think, and how to balance
all of that. So people that tell me like this
is who I am and I'm excited about a certain title,
I'm like, y'all weard, but hey, you.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Know very well. Because people who are wanting to get
to a stage and a platform really scares me.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
It's so much light and the light brings heat. Why
do I want to sweat? Like that's not you know,
something that I want to do. So when you watch
them walk to that and so it's such a great rise,
but then the fall is just this great when you're
running towards something, especially the people that claim that they're
there and they're not called to it because you can't.
(07:15):
There's no glory to keep you there. There's no character
development because yes I have a title or yes i'm
this person, but if I don't work on me, I'm
not going to stay there. I don't have the character
to stay there. I don't have the bandwidth, I don't
have none of these things that keeps me in that place.
So I'm constantly trying to fight to be in a space.
And I don't prefer to be out the way and
(07:37):
behind closed.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Doors, which is why I always say I would rather
be in Portugal somewhere, yes, and not doing with quietly
and not caring about what others feel, meaning like not
how you feel about me, but how you feel from
what you've gone through. And I have to now be
open allow him to work through me so you can
get your healing to help you do.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
What you want to do while I'm still struggling with
what you left me.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Oh my god, I was so ready for this episode
as much as c J was. But talk about character
development in what you do? Why is that so important?
Speaker 2 (08:16):
It's kind of like when you talk about an artist, right,
Like a lot of artists are really great, a lot
of hairstylists are really great.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
But if you if.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
You're a stylist or you're a business person, but you
don't have good customer service, then your business only can
go so hot high and then you plateau. If you're
an artist, and you get in front of the camera
and they ask you the wrong thing you can be
in this culture canceled because you've said something that I'm
from Louisiana. So a lot of words that we may
say can get me canceled, but it doesn't mean what
(08:43):
other people would think that it means. So it's like
developing myself to be able to continue to grow. But
then I think the biggest piece is even to figure
out what's wrong with me before I even develop those pieces,
because you got to be aware self wise of what's
with you, what you've dealt with, what are the root
issues that you have, and how to begin dealing with
(09:05):
them or else, you know, you're just kind of running
in circles chasing your tail. But it's super important because
I think a kind of I always tell my kids,
like accountability seems harsh in the beginning because you're somebody's
telling you something about yourself, but it's the very thing
that will that will help you build and you won't
be able to be stopped when you get to the
(09:26):
top because you're accountable to self and it helps you
to be.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Successful because the sess will kill you if you're under
developing your character.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
It'll hit you like it's on the bricks. It's like
running into a brick wall, essentially, because we don't know.
And I think the other thing is you don't really
fully know. No one says that this is what success is,
so you're constantly chasing a feeling. And I don't trust
my feelings. They're dangerous, they're scary. I can be from
zero to one hundred. So if I'm trusting my feelings,
(10:01):
were gonna all lose. So when I do business, I
don't do it with emotion. I don't do it with feelings.
I don't come to the table. It's just like spiritually wise,
my kingdom gift is the profit. But people misunderstand that, like, oh,
she's mean. It's just like, no, if God tells me
to tell you something, I'm saying what he said. I
don't put my emotion in it because God doesn't have emotions.
(10:22):
So why am I coming with my emotions to the
table for your word? It's like it has to process
through me, but it's not my word. So I can't
process it with emotions. I can't do business. If I'm
trying to get you a contract, or get you built,
or get your structure built for your contract or your business.
I can't do it with how I feel because we're
all gonna lose because my emotions they be all over
(10:43):
the place. I have to manage that so we can
win successfully as a.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Woman and a woman who works with so many men,
and a woman who is understanding of her emotions but
all so not allowing the emotions to be the driver
and decision. Is that something that you had to work
at or is that something that you just kind of was?
(11:10):
What was that like for you?
Speaker 2 (11:11):
On a Myers bring, I'm only thirteen percent emotions, so
that's kind of my baseline. But yes, dealer with men
because I have a tough relationship with my father. Early on,
he was an addict and he got better, and I
still kind of struggle with those pieces. So working with
a lot of men could be very tough because when
I see traits of what I dealt with my father,
(11:33):
it'll sting. It's kind of like a trauma space. So
sometimes if something hits, it's like you get a different
version of me that I've had to really manage, especially
dealing with who I'm currently dealing with because he's alpha,
so it's like his alpha and my alpha used to
and having to take a space where I was submitting
not to the person, but to the space. And that's
(11:55):
what I learned. The biggest oof is that you know
sometimes when I'm a man and it's like you know,
you're like who you talking to? Like you don't really
want to smoke with me because I'm not that girl,
Like I'm not weak. And it was always me early
on having to prove that I wasn't weak until God
just really started dealing with me, like, you don't have
to defend yourself. What are you doing? You're here to help.
(12:17):
I can't use you like this, like you are disrespect
to my anointing when you're doing this type of behavior
when you just just chill or just relax, And I
just I didn't get that because I always felt like
I had to keep hitting something. But when I learned that,
I'm not submitting to the person because men and women
are flawed. I'm submitting to this assignment that God put
(12:41):
me in because what I need from God when we
work together. You could never give me what I needed.
It wasn't the dollars that you were paying me. I
needed God to move because I was walking in that
assignment to help you become this person someone you didn't even.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
See, didn't even see it, didn't even know it at all.
I didn't know I was me. You know Bishop Jake's
pre semessage call I didn't know I was me. That
was so powerful. And it's the messages about what you
just said is not only walking with people who didn't
know that they were them, but also you walking with
(13:16):
me when I didn't know I was me.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
That's tough because you have to get outside yourself. I
have to be super patient and loving with who God
showed me that you were before you even because you
know he has some moments what's doing. And what I
had to learn prophetically is that you're in the future.
(13:38):
So you were in the present, but what God was
showing me about you was in the future. So it's
like I had to tone that back a bit so
I identify that. Okay, wait, he doesn't know who he is.
It's my job to help him walk out. When you
saw you, you saw a former player who was going
to school trying to figure out the therapy thing. I
(14:00):
saw this. I saw a king, I saw a prophet.
I saw a person who was gonna change generational lines
for other people. But it's like the bridge to get there.
I had to control me so that you could get
to where you needed to be. That's tough, though, because
there was some some some tough moments.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
And it's tough because I feel like I'm walking with
somebody like that right now.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
But that's that's how the gift is. I pull you
up and then you go get.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Somebody else because I'm pulling him.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Yeah, And that's what it is. It's it's and sometimes
like you don't never get to see and God has
blessed us to where we could see the other side.
But that's not always the case.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Oh it is not it is not six, It is
not always the case. Man.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
That's the tough part. That's tough. But I'm so proud,
Like point, I'm proud because your journey was hard. People
see this, they see this camera, they see all of
this stuff. But the knights that you cried, the time
that you did I know who you was, or when
the money was funny because God had to show you
how to manage certain things and you couldn't see what
(15:06):
I saw. It was tough to get you like no way,
come on, keep going, We're gonna get there and all
of these things. But I'm super proud that you didn't stop,
because there were moments that you could have and you didn't.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
I was sitting there thinking about when I was in Atlanta.
I moved to Atlanta because we're gonna be open this.
This is my dog. I moved to Atlanta. She didn't
say anything. She was just like, Okay, go I get
to Atlanta. When I tell you, God whipped my behind,
(15:39):
I'm talking about whip my behind. I'm talking about every
stone I turned over. Nobody would hire me, nobody would
work with me. It was like I was like I
had a disease of sickness. That was just like it
was like because it was almost like nobody would touch me.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I remember you being on the phone with you one
day and you go, did you do you really think
you were supposed to go to Atlanta. I'm doing another
accent and I'm like, she said, you really do you?
She know you asked me, you said, did God tell
you to go to Atlanta? And I remember pausing him
(16:20):
like I didn't know, and I think I said, God
said go to Atlanta. Because when you are not hearing clearly,
you can create the voice in your mind and call
it God if you're not careful. And we don't talk
about that enough because we are so in golf into
(16:43):
what we wanted. And I wanted to go to Atlanta
because I thought I needed to change environments and I
thought I need to be in a new space. And
what God did was use that space to say, I
tell you what, good brother, I'm gonna put you in
this cave and I'm gonna get you to surrender, because
that was what I was running from in Houston. I
(17:05):
didn't want to surrender.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
That was your room in to eight twenty. And I
think sometimes we think, Okay, I'm out of God's will,
so he not gonna move. I'm just gonna down here.
It's like, no, He's gonna use that as your space
and he was. I was like, why are you going
to Atlanta? What are you gonna do over there?
Speaker 1 (17:24):
And you know, and he was, what's crazy is that
when you're off course, you're really on course?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Yeah, because he'll make it good even when it's bad.
He's that awesome.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
And he made it bad. God, he made it bad. Man.
I let me tell y'all something. Man. I had gotten
a place at Smyrna, Georgia, right off of two eighty five,
beautiful place, and I couldn't afford to pay the rent.
And when I look back at it today, it wasn't
(17:57):
it wasn't much. It was like maybe eleves and it
was like a huge space, and I'm just like, God,
why can't I pay this rent? And it wasn't like
I wasn't making money, but nothing was shaking for me,
nothing was.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Coming because you're trying to do it on your own. Yeah,
we always do that. We're smart, we're educated. It's like, okay,
well I can just go get a job. I'm gonna
pay my bills. And what he wants to know is
are you gonna trust me to be your provider? That's
the big thing, is like will we surrendered? And when
you have that non negotiable call everything I called it,
(18:37):
there's no democracy here. It's one of those things like, hey,
you have to depend on me for everything, and when
you're independent, that's hard that I'm gonna call you and say, well,
I gotta live, like for what. But he's saying, I
want you on a certain trajectory of where I'm taking
(18:59):
you because you're gift. It's not for you. Your gift
was for them, for the people that he was calling
you to, but you were trying to live your life
for you and he's like, yeah, no, I didn't break
you for that.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
And I remember you telling me you can't give it back.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
It's been trying for forty two years, and.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
You kept saying it's non negotiable, and I'm just like, dude, why,
because that heaviness and that that that's just that pool
because even when you're running, you feel like, man, I
don't think I didn't ever feel like I was getting away,
but I did feel like there was some like kind
of moment to breathe. And then it's a facade. It's
(19:40):
almost like a being in a desert and it's like, oh,
there's water, and it's like, oh no, this is mirage
and it's like and it's like I kept going back
and forth and hitting my head time at the time
after time at the time, and when my healing started
is when I fully surrendered.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
And it's a process because I think sometimes people think
like there's this magical moment with palm trees where you're
just like, oh, I surrender and you're like in the
Garden of Eden, But surrendering is constant. It's almost every
season because as you continue to grow from higher heights
of deeper debts, there's another level of surrender respir like, Okay,
(20:21):
what does it.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Do You feel like you're still in the process of surrendering.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Yes, I'm surrendering, but now just being here to say
yes to you, because you know me, I'm a background player.
I don't want nobody to see me. I'm not like,
I'm not that person. I don't need to be seen.
I have three thousand followers. I'm not trying to dance
on TikTok. That's not me. I don't do none of that.
I'm out the way. I just want my invoices paid
(20:45):
and I want to make it to heaven and I
want my children to be successful. That is it. That's
all I want. But somewhere God got some other plans
and I'll keeps just telling me as we go and
I'm just trying to obey.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
That's it, Listen, that's my thought process constantly, Like I
love that I get to do this and CJ, you know,
he checks on me every day. Like there's days where
I'm literally like, why are you texting me?
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Those cocon dates.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Because there are days that I just it's not that
I don't want to be bothered, but him texting me
is also a reminder of we're building something, yeah, And
it's also reminded that, hey, I'm checking in because he'll
check in like like like tomorrow, because we work, you know,
all day to day. He'll check in and say how
you feeling, how you're doing because of the poor But
(21:44):
then I'm reminded, like, man, this thing ain't going nowhere.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
Every day. I talk to Tray every day and someday
and like his call is so heavy and he's just
starting to realize that. And we've been dealing with this
for eight years. This man is just like you had
no idea. So every day he called me, I'm like, oh,
we still at it. I've been looking for an exit
for eight years because the weight to carry someone like yourself,
(22:13):
someone like him with a heavy annointing, it hit me
before it hits you. And that's what people don't know,
Like you're where you are and you're heavy. When I'm
carrying you, it hits me first. So I'm carrying it
for both of us. Then I have five kids that
I'm carrying it for, so It's like the heavyweight is
in the front, but the big weight is in the back,
(22:37):
because I have to make sure we both don't fall
when I'm assigned to you, because if I fall, you dead.
And that's why God stay on you, because he's making
sure that the person you're called to carry don't fall.
Because every time I pour into somebody, imagine being able
to carry somebody that got a heavier weight than you.
That's why a lot of mentors become falls because a
(23:02):
lot of times you're covering a David who's gonna be
a better king than you. Imagine being able to see
somebody and you're not healed, and God tells somebody to
go mentoring and the heartshipt. I didn't have a saw
mentor before. So it's like you have to balance that
because sometimes I could get mad at you if I
(23:23):
ain't right with my heart because you didn't ask me
to help you. God did. I can't mistreat you because
of what He told me to do. And many times
God has checked me my socks off, like what are
you doing? You're looking for this person to help you.
I told you to serve. I told you to go in,
so what you mad at them? For that's on me.
(23:43):
You got a problem, take it up with me, don't
take it off on them. So when the phone ring
and it's like, hey, we got this and that to
do today, I'm looking at the phone and guy's like,
check your attitude, get your spirit and honor. I'm keeping you.
So did you not come to me this morning to
lay down that burn at the altar? Or you want
to card and then be met at that person? What
(24:04):
you're gonna do.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
It's on pause for a second and just let that
that just marinate. Because David and I talked about this
and the weight of what you were carrying, and I'm
loving that you sharing it because you're also sharing it
(24:30):
from the perspective of female. And we talked a lot
about dating, you know, and talked a lot about you know,
what is it like to be with somebody that has
like a strong calling a mandate. And I've always seen
myself as having the three m's right for the mandate,
(24:50):
the mantle, and the mission, and all three of them
carry their own weight for what they represent because the
mission is to be carried out, you know, for the people.
The mandate is this is a this is non negotiab
(25:11):
and then the mantle is the I'm not Lord. You know,
I'm not saying calling a yoke, but the mantle is
almost like this cloak of just like has just set
on you, and no matter how much you do this
and try to adjust it, that thing ain't going nowhere.
And I'm saying, and I'm saying to God, hey man,
I'm not Elijah. Elijah was like, hey, I want a
(25:35):
double portion. I'm like, what are you Like? Even when
I read that, it's like, what was you own? Bro?
Like what was you thinking? And so my battles at
times is not trying to, you know, negotiate out of it,
but it's constantly trying to sort of find understanding in
(25:58):
it because I don't like yourself. It's like, I mean,
it's a blessing to be a blessing right now in
this season because to be in a season where I
know what lack feels like, I know what it's like
to go speak and there's no invoice and they're like
shaking your hand you like, well, I thought y'all was
(26:19):
gonna give me some God bless you. Man. We appreciate you, like,
I know what that's like, and I know what it's
like for somebody to feed you and to say thank you,
and so to be in this season. I'm grateful, but
I only think about what you just said. I don't
have kids, so for me, it's like, man, I just
want to get to heaven and make sure you know
(26:39):
what I'm saying. Things are good and I have the
essential because even for people like us to be blessed,
it's not to be somebody who's flexing. It's like the
blessing is also to do more with what we've been giving.
So that's usually my warfare. It's like every day for
(27:02):
the past three weeks. When we got back from Canada,
it was just like, Man, I literally woke up every
day and said, God, Man, thank you. And I said,
because I know it's you that's keeping me going, I've
had them days like it's like it's like I'm just
in my closet just like, man, dude, it's you, because
(27:27):
the human the man in me is like, man, you
can have this, yeah, and people.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Be coveting that. That's the crazy part. People will covet
what you carry, not knowing that you barely standing up.
You pretty much like a hunchback of artre down trying
to carry the weight of what's on you.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, and and and two in this healing space because
not only are we being healed, we're also leading people
to their healing. And then we're leading people because now
that I'm where you were with me, I get it.
It's like leading people to their healing. And you're like, hey,
(28:11):
that's freedom on the other side, waiting for them to
choose them choose the healing, and God is saying not.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
Now, yeah, now, we can't get to it.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
No, I need to teach them this. Yeah, I need
to teach him that. So what has your healing journey
been for you? Like? Who was that person when you
discovered who you were? Who was the person that saw
who Crystal was before Christalin came.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
Christly ironically, I'm a lady that my mom used to
work with. My parents went to her to basically complain
that I was this crazy person or hard to deal with,
shall I say, And she couldn't understand from her perspective
how parents could have such an issue with their child.
(28:58):
Leave it at that, and so she felt the need
to get to know me because she as a mom,
she couldn't and a healer of hearts, that's her sign
that she have a pastorial heart. She couldn't understand how
somebody could do to their child like that, right, And
so her and I got to know each other, and
she would call me every day every day. Are you okay, baby, I'm.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Praying for you?
Speaker 2 (29:21):
And I'd be like, girl, I'm with this five piece
of chocolate right now. I hit you babe, woo, I
got something going on. She would call me every day,
every day till one day I was having a bad day.
We started talking. God used her. I had a stony heart.
I would have never been able to be used by God.
(29:42):
I was so angry things happened to me in my
childhood that I just couldn't get over. The people that
were supposed to protect me didn't grew up in church
and getting preached on and all these things with you know,
they say they love God. Because I initially saw the
church as a representation of God, I'm like, yeah, that's
what God is. I'm cool on that, you know. And
(30:04):
so I get to a space where every day I
had never My grandmother loved me and she loved God,
but she didn't know God like my spiritual mom did.
So when she was doing it, it was just like
God was using her in human form, and each time
she would give me things to work on. And at
the time, I had recently had bilateral pulmonary embolism, so
(30:25):
I couldn't go nowhere. I couldn't move back. Then I
used to like to go outside. The clubs had smoking it,
so I couldn't go out no more. I couldn't drink
because I was on bloodin us. So God just started
using her to deal with me. And she just started
telling me who I was. And I'm like, bro, yeah,
I'm good on it. Yeah, I mean, I'll go to church,
(30:47):
I'll pay my tithes, but all of that. So she
walked me through this process and I started to understand.
And God, because I was at a steel place, he
started talking to me, and he started telling me that
there was people that needed me. I'm like, who need me?
I'm broken, I'm battered, I'm bruised. I got these kids
and nobody paying j'all support, Like what's happening right now?
(31:08):
And the more I kept walking it, the more I
realized that it was bigger than me and I just
had to accept it. So by the time I made you,
I was fast forward to Houston, came to Houston for
a job, got fired, started being an entrepreneur, and not
fire but laid off, but started being an entrepreneur, and
I just felt lost. So when I started when I
(31:30):
met you, it was like I was looking at me
when I was there, and I knew that outside of her,
she helped me with my heart, but my head was
another story. My mind was another story, my mouth was
another story. So by the time I met you, I
was like, man, if I had a meet for me,
I would have been in a better spot earlier. And
(31:53):
so it was easy for me to submit because there
was some things I needed God to do and I
was like, Okay, well if I do this, you do
you know, I'm gonna do what you want me to do,
but I need to do this. So I was over
there a bargaining with the shooting little dice. That's how
me and him moved so and I don't think I'm
healed all the way. I enjoy the journey now. I
(32:15):
think i've in the time that we worked together, in
the time that I've been I was a lot harder
when we were together. Moe tame Gorilla, A little bit
of spiritual a little bit of roughness, rough neck, whatever.
But now I just feel like at peace. I've accepted.
(32:37):
You know, me and God still be talking about when
he send me certain people, I'll be like, yeah, no
I'm not. I don't go bring them to somebody else,
but we negotiate. But right now, I feel like I'm
at peace. I feel like I've walked into my womanhood.
I've successfully raised four of my five kids. I got
my twelve year old still, so I'm at peace. Like
there's just so much So when I see this, I'm like,
(32:59):
when you ask me to come here today, it was like, Okay,
I guess it's time. So it was like another level
of submitting and surrendering to where we are and where
we walked. So I'm here.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
And you're here in such a way that it's loud
for you because for you, you like silence, which is
why working behind the scenes is perfect because it's solid
back there, because when you come out front, it gets loud,
(33:34):
and I'm making that it is loud. And what I
love that women will get to see is that surrendering
looks different in so many different facets because you have
not only the surrender to God, but you have the
surrender to your purpose. Your calling, your assignment. You have
(33:56):
the surrender to your life, your children, and just to
have the surrender where you can now say I'm at
peace with what has costing me. Yeah, And that's where
I'm at too. I'm at a place where, Okay, it's
gonna cost me, and I know it's probably not gonna
(34:16):
be what I want to pay, but I'm okay with
that because I think where we are now, we're at
a place where we understand it's not leaving us. Yeah,
that's nothing that we can do to get rid of it.
And I think the more I lean into what God
has called me to do, the more healing comes through
me for others. And then I've just accepted, like I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
Be used yep. Yeah. And I think too, like what
I've identified is it's costing me something, but when God
give me the change back, it's more than what I
put in. Once I finally just stop trying to control
this situation and I'm like, Okay, it's costing me this.
But then He's like, open your hand, and you know,
(35:01):
as a person who went through a lot of trauma,
I keep my hand, my fistball I used to do that,
tighten my jaw a lot my shoulders. When I finally
started opening my hand and he would release things to me,
it was like, WHOA wait a minute. I put in
fifty dollars and he gave me back twenty five hundred.
This time I paid twenty five hundred, he gave me
back two fifty. I was like, Okay, this is what
(35:24):
you've been trying to and he's like, Dug, I've been
trying to tell you this whole time. If you just
let go and trust me, there's something in it for you.
Because at first I used to see me getting used,
like it's all about the person I'm pouring into. But
because I was a serial sower, I didn't know how
to read. I grew up in a time back in
(35:46):
the day when we was in church, it was always
about being a cheerful give or give, give, give. I
was never taught how to read. I didn't know how
to receive. I felt like if I received, I was
less than so I was always and then when people
would use me, I was mad at them, but it
was like you're giving him when it's really your season
(36:06):
to receive. So I was never balanced. But now that
I'm balanced, I see it like there's a big reward
for me by doing what he's telling me to do.
So as I'm settling in the call, there's just so
much more reverence, peace, grace. I love it here like
nothing really bothered. I mean, you know, with the reason
(36:27):
you're not. And then I get a little ratchet, but
it's small potatoes compared to my big sack I used
to carry on the truck. I had some sex. Well, yeah,
God be doing this big one. He really do.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
And you know I can feel it because I think
we're both there. We're both at a place where in
our reaping, we're also having rest because I didn't have
much of that. You know, when we met, man, it
(37:01):
was just like such warfare and it was just such
weight to where I just felt like, Man, I could
never get any rest. Like I would go to sleep
at night, but I just woke up feeling tired. I
woke up feeling even more worn down. I woke up
feeling like, man, dude, when I ever catch a break,
And that's what I was just looking, just to catch
(37:22):
a break, because I remember one season of warfare where
it was just like I was tormented in my sleep.
It was just constantly and even to be in a
season like that. I'm in now, and God is saying,
this is where I wanted you to get to is
when you took your hands off and let me put
my hands on. I'm showing you what I do when
(37:44):
you let go. Yeah, and true healing can't take place
until we let go of who we think we need
to be.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
And who we think we are, and.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Who exactly and who we think we are. And God
is saying that it's not who you are. I want
to show you who you were called to be. And
part of that is allowing yourself to be molded. I
never forget going through what I went through in twenty eighteen,
and I just remember God telling me, do not get
(38:17):
off this wheel. Let me keep shaping you. Let me
keep molding you. Let me keep developing you. Let me
keep forming you. Let me keep pressing in. Let me
keep pressing in. Because when that potter is pressing in
on that clay, he's not hurting it. It feels like
it's stretching. And it's necessary because if you're going to
(38:41):
endure and have sustainability, you gotta let him press in.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
Yeah. Yeah, it's like the squeezing of the oil. But
then I think too, like when we hold on, we
get drug. So it's like if you just let go,
it's gonna keep moving, but you're not going to be
dragging with it. Teach you what a drug. For a
long time, out of control, just control, ego, pride and control.
(39:06):
I like control was my protection mechanism. I thought I
was doing what was right for me because I was
protecting myself. And I realized, like, my dad's the biggest
protector of them all, so why can't. But again, I
didn't have much trust for people, so it was hard
for me to trust God in full. I said I did,
but I think for me, like when my son, my
(39:28):
baby was born and he had open heart surgery at
two months, you only can trust God. Like when God
take you through a health thing, it's like it's either
you gonna surrender all this is gonna happen. That was
when I started realizing God could do whatever if these
people saying okay, well if you don't, your child could
have a two stints on and then he'll have five
(39:51):
surgeries by the time he's saying, I'm like, yeah, no, okay,
what you need me to do God, because we're not
finna do all eight like, I'm tired. So I saw
the power of healing. And that was when I knew, Okay,
could nobody at that point, couldn't nobody tell me? How
did man do things? I'm like, all right, now what
I go. I'm like David when he went to fight Alid.
(40:12):
He reminded himself of the bears and the tigers and
all that and the allions. That's what I do. I'm like, Okay,
when we went through this, this happened, So I have
to remind myself constantly now when I go through things
that he's the same guy that did that. Watching you
you the same he the same guy that took you
from here to there. So I know he could do it.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
You know, I wanted man, that's that's that's such powerfum word. Uh.
Working with men and there you going. I knew.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
I knew he was gonna get.
Speaker 1 (40:47):
So working with men, you I mean, if you worked
with some good brothers and I'm not talking about you know,
that's just what I like to call men, good brothers.
How did you balance? You know? Because people always ask
it again, I'm bringing this up because people always ask
you like, how was it working with Jay? Was he
(41:08):
did was he dead?
Speaker 2 (41:10):
They like they say, that's not what they say, you know.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
What they said, Like people always tried to wonder, like
most of my managers and people that I've worked with
have been with I've been women, black women, And this
is why I love sisters, because they have supported not
only my work, but they poured into me when I couldn't,
you know, do it for myself. But it was always
(41:34):
this thing as if you can't have platonic relationships for friendships,
and people will always like, you know what I mean,
is this something going on? And and if you could
just speak to that, because yeah, like go ahead, And
because I think there's something to be said about the
(41:56):
integral approach that you have had throughout your career because
you work with a lot of masculine men in the
spaces of entertainment, in the spaces of faith based like,
you've worked with a lot of men.
Speaker 2 (42:12):
So I think the biggest thing, first off, is just
me separating the two, like am I blind? Women would
always when I work with you. For instance, when I
work people always ask me, Jay, fine, you wouldn't hit that,
just like like that's what they say. He trying to club,
But we're gonna tell the truth Shane to death. I'm like, yeah, no,
you know, am I blind?
Speaker 1 (42:32):
No?
Speaker 2 (42:33):
I see all the men I work with, even the
men that work with other people that I work with. Okay,
that's one part of my summer where I'm flying a
lot of men. I ain't blind, and I'm not gay,
no shade to the gay, but I see what I see.
But for me, when you're working, the work supersedes how
(42:54):
I feel. I never wanted to build my businesses on
my back, I'll say that respectfully. And in addition to that,
when God generally puts me working with someone because of
who I'm called spiritually, it's always bigger than me just
doing your books, our business or whatever. So it's an assignment.
(43:16):
And you know my rule, you do not smash the assignments. Now,
me being real, I've done that. It felt good. However,
it killed me pretty much because there was a moment
where purpose started to look like love. There was a
(43:39):
moment and I engaged in that prior to my celibacy.
I enjoyed it. That's me being honest. But you then
realize that you have dishonored God. You felt good, you
enjoyed what the flesh was looking for because you know,
we worked late nights, early mornings, and everybody loves the
(44:05):
godly Crystal, you know, until I get a little savage
and like, oh she crazy. But there was moments where
that happened, and I after understanding what was what was
my fatherly issues and all those things, and I managed that,
then I realized what the how the devil walked me
in today? He opened the door and I gladly walked in.
I'm not even gonna lie, I'm not one of them Christians,
(44:28):
but working with you was like my do over right,
because I always now ask God, show me who your
children are from your perspective. If I see you in
God's perspective, no matter how close we get, I'm not
going to sleep with God's son who needs healing. But
(44:48):
if I keep seeing you as a man who's chocolate
and look good and you got a couple of dollars,
because not my clients ain't Brokener and Crystal love a
man with dollars. But I'm not going to look at
you from that perspective because I'm on assignment, so I
have to stay focused on assignment. So no different than
I wouldn't sleep with a coworker. I'm not gonna sleep
(45:09):
with a client, and whether they pay me or not,
I'm not gonna sleep in an assignment because what I
need from God is bigger than my need to enjoy myself.
I don't say it like that because we're on your
you know, when we talk in private, that's different. But
I've had to that's part of the management of self
(45:31):
that you got to put self in perspective, like, hey, girl,
were not doing it? Because if you're grown and you
have already dealt with that part of yourself, Let's be honest.
In church, they don't tell you your body gonna start talking.
They like, that's a sin, you're going to hell. But
what you doing it purs and you know the dog
(45:52):
want to take a walk. Nobody talks about that. That's
like it's an issue. It's a thing, and you have
to be willing to put that thing under subjection. And
sometimes I don't care how many scriptures you quote to
your body. It is not coming under subjection by quoting
the scripture and the pastor be up there telling you
what not to do, but he go home and tear
(46:13):
it down because he got a spouse. So you have
to find your self accountability, and I have to put
what I know God wants me to do and what
I know He has for me on the other side
of this higher than my need to enjoy myself. And
I did enjoy myself that time. I did, but after
(46:39):
I enjoyed myself the conviction the whip, because that was
somebody that I had something spiritually that for them. But
I gave them something else and it broke the connection
because at that point I'm like, yeah, we can't you know. Sorry,
(47:00):
So I think you know in the era of I'm
looking for my boas because a lot of my queen sisters,
when you ask them how they're doing, they're telling me
they're looking for they both not that I don't understand,
but I do respect it. I think if we put
what God wants us to do before our need for
(47:21):
a relationship and connection and I desire to be with someone,
I think we would get a lot done faster, and
then God could give us those things. Wow, I said
it nicely.
Speaker 1 (47:38):
I just wanted you to cook, and that's exactly what
you did. You heeded the stove, put the water on
the pot, it got the boiling, and man, you did
you did what you were supposed to do being at
that place and learning that lesson, And what would you
say to the woman that's trying to maavigate her walk
(48:03):
business in womanhood?
Speaker 2 (48:06):
Be honest with yourself and give yourself grace because we
do mess up. You see how we just talked about
my mess up. I stand on that right. I take
this thing from Eminem into eight mile. When he told
his opponent the issues that he had within himself, his
opponent had nothing against him. The devil can't play with
me with what I did wrong, because I tell him myself,
(48:26):
and I always tell people, be honest about where you at.
Because even though I practice celibacy, there's never a moment
where I can't say that I might jump on someone.
I can't say that I'm not I would lie about that.
I'm honest. I don't. Oh my god, I'm a virgin
Mary like no. I think if women just be honest
with themselves, give themselves grace, and just continue to walk
(48:50):
their walk day by day like we did and didn't
give up, I think they'll be fine life. I think
a lot of times life is just life, and we
have to treat it as such. I feel like sometimes
we make it harder or bigger than what it was.
Speaker 1 (49:03):
We do. So just keep it light, keep it going, man, Crystal,
like this this is so rich. And I'm just sitting
here processing because when you said earlier, I want to
go back to something you said. Man, we get to
see this on the other side because I could tell
you when we first started ten years ago, because it
was twenty fifteen, ten years ago, and this is twenty
(49:26):
twenty five, and to see where I'm at, I just
want to say publicly thank you.
Speaker 2 (49:33):
I never knew we would get I knew where you
would be. But here's the thing. Your gift don't work
for you. So I didn't see me. I saw you.
Speaker 1 (49:41):
Yeah, I mean because I didn't know I was mean.
I didn't know this, I didn't know. I had no clue.
I just I can see myself now even when I
met you, just as loss as I was, and just
(50:03):
as lost as I want to be, just not knowing,
searching but not knowing what I'm looking for, lost but
not knowing that I need to be found, Confused but
wanted to be understood. Just all of the things and
all I kept asking for. I do remember this prayer
(50:24):
that I prayed before I met you, I kept saying God,
I kept saying, God, send me a man, and he
sent me you, and he sent you because that was
parts of me needed to be healed, what my mother wounds.
Because listening to you, I had to surrender not only
(50:47):
to God, but I had to surrender to the space,
because my healing journey was that. Sometimes I didn't want
to listen to Mama because there was a barrier because
of what had happened, and I felt like, can't tell
me nothing. In fact, I don't hear what you got
to say. And the relationship and the friendship and us
(51:09):
working together, it helped heal that. And I didn't know
that it was needing to be healed until I moved
to Dallas and I had to see my mother often.
Speaker 2 (51:20):
I remember that we used to call me.
Speaker 1 (51:24):
I didn't know because as long as I was away
from her, I didn't have to deal with it. Yeah,
it's just a phone call. But now you got to
face it. Now you have to and I'm not saying
this by my mom, but I'm saying it's putting somebody
that's my shoe. Now you have to face your accuser,
I mean, the person who violated you Now you have
to face the uncle, you gotta face the cousin, You
(51:46):
got to face the other. Now you have to face
these very people who I don't think some was intentional,
some unintentional, but you got to face the people who
calls her And man, that thing was so hard for
me to work through. And I just remember you telling
me that, hey, you would have to heal this in
(52:09):
order for God will to be done in your life,
because I don't believe I'm sitting here today if I
don't resolve that with my mom. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:19):
What I appreciate though, is that your mom was willing
to go on the journey. That's not my story. There
is no I had to heal without the conversation. I
had to heal without somebody asking me for forgiveness. And
many people have to have that healing where the other
(52:42):
person or people don't say because they would have to
go back to a place that they're not ready for. Yes,
and my brothers and I talked about that. We had
a conversation about it last week for that very reason
that you know, they're younger than me, so they're having
a hard time when one of them is having a
hard time with that process and trying to walk him
(53:04):
through the fact that we may never get that, and
you gotta be okay with that. But I did it
for my kids, and my hope is that they understand
in time some of the decisions I made, you know,
And they're grown now, so they're getting it slowly but sureley.
(53:24):
But I'm proud of you for taking that step. And
the men that have been healed and will be healed
because you did the work is astronomical.
Speaker 1 (53:36):
Yeah, that's all I can do is excel because it's
I still wake up and just like man, I don't
know how I made to the side to.
Speaker 2 (53:49):
Who much is given, much is required.
Speaker 1 (53:51):
And nobody knows what's required.
Speaker 2 (53:53):
We don't even know we walk in it. You sometimes
don't know uside hit you in the face.
Speaker 1 (53:59):
All you know is you've been given, but you don't
know what it's going to require.
Speaker 2 (54:02):
And the higher you get, the more is required, the.
Speaker 1 (54:05):
More it's required. In closing, what is healing for you.
Speaker 2 (54:11):
Krystin every day a journey peace, an opportunity to get
it right again, the understanding of knowing that he that
begin a good work and you shall complete it to
the day he returns. So I don't have to fight
to feel like I have to be perfect every day,
(54:32):
because as long as I wake up, it's an opportunity
to change and heals some things. I'm okay with that.
Speaker 1 (54:39):
Yeah, I love that she's okay with waking up every
day knowing that I get to do it again. I
get a fresh star, I even get to just be again.
You know, I love this thing that I told these men,
and recently Gideon told God everything that he wasn't and
(55:09):
he was challenging God every time he was. God showed
me this and showed me that he wanted all of
these mirrors, if only if he could just just realize
that he was the miracle. And for you that are listening,
that are watching, you are the miracle. If you woke
up today, you're watching this, you're hearing my voice, you
are the miracle. You don't need another sign. That's a
(55:32):
sign right there that you that you are alive and
you have another opportunity to heal, to get it right
and whatever way that you decide to do that. And
I'm hoping that you stay on your heel and journey again.
It's not linear. It's not going to be six months.
It's not going to be a year. For some it
may takes longer, and for some it may be shorter.
(55:54):
But however long it takes, you stay with the process
because you're worth seeing what's on the other side. And
that is my encouragement to you. Again. Thank you to
my good friend Crystal for coming on to Just Heal
with doctor J joining the healing community, and remember subscribe
(56:16):
each and every Tuesday we had new episodes. The visuals
drop on Tuesday at five pm Central Standard Time, and
until next time, remember healing is a journey and wholeness
is the destination.
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