May 13, 2025 • 37 mins
In this episode of Just Heal with Dr. Jay, Dr. Jay Barnett sits down with former WNBA player Miah Spencer for an intimate conversation about grief, surrender, and the power of community in the healing process. Miah opens up about the loss of her mother, the emotional journey of transitioning out of professional sports, and the search for renewed purpose. Together, they explore the dual nature of grief, the grounding role of faith, and the importance of daily practices that nurture healing. Miah also shares her reflections on patience, self-compassion, and the value of accepting support during life’s most difficult moments. Tune in and join the conversation in the socials below.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to jess Hell with Doctor J, a production of
The Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Hello, I am
doctor J. Barnett and welcome to Just Heal with Doctor J,
powered by The Black Effect and iHeart Podcast Network. Listen.
I want to take the opportunity to tell you to
subscribe to the Healing Community, and I want to say
(00:22):
to those who have already subscribed, welcome healers. I call
you healers because that is what we should be doing
as we're navigating through this life, healing, touching lives and
making other people lives better. But I am happy about
today's episode because I get to sit down with the
incomparable former w NBA player and also I call her
(00:46):
a legend because she was a legend you know at
her college, n C State. I got it right in
C State. Maya Spencer is joining us today and I
want to welcome her to the Healing Community. How you doing,
miss Maya? It's amazing, awesome. Now when you come to
the Healing community, part of this community is about having
(01:10):
a conversation that is going to not only provoke healing,
but also it's going to provide insight. We're going to
have people from various walks of life, watching and listening,
and then also to those who are listening, I want
to invite you to just be open because today we
want to get deep and today we're going to talk
(01:31):
about some grief and we're going to talk about transitioning
from being an athlete and something that I can relate to,
and we'll talk about that. But I want to start off,
which is a locating question. I don't like to ask
people how they're doing. I like to ask people how
are they feeling? So how are you feeling?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
First off, I just want to say thank you for
having me here. Yeah, it was just such an amazing
platform to just share my experience as my story. But
I'm feeling amazing. I think the transitions that I've had
recently have led me to where I am. So just overall,
I am in a good place as of today, and
that's the only thing I can count on right now.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Listen, I want to say thank you because I am
familiar with your story and with your journey, and it
takes a lot of courage to not only just share
your story, but also it takes a lot of courage
to just really sit in moments where you relive some
(02:30):
of your stories. And I don't think we think enough
about that, But I love what you said that as
of today and where I am now, and I think
that's a great opportunity for those that are watching it
is listen, always be where your feet are planted, and
if you always wear your feet are planted, I think
it minimize your anxiety and it minimize just trying to
(02:50):
control tomorrow. As I like to say, I don't really
know about tomorrow. In fact, tomorrow doesn't really exist. The
future is really not until it happens. But the thing
that is real is the present moment. So thank you
for sharing this present moment. And I'm glad to hear
that you're in a good place, knowing that this journey
(03:14):
that you have been on, and I want to really
just flow into this because I know it is a
challenging journey. I like to say that it is a
continuous process as we're healing, because some days are good,
some days are bad, some days are horrible, and some
(03:36):
days are just freaking terrible. So honestly, and recently, and
not as of recent, but recently, as of a couple
of years now, you lost your mother, and you and
your mom, were rebuilding your relationship. What has that journey
(03:59):
been like to just really because you also transition out
of WNBA, transition as an athlete, so you got all
of these transitions.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
I mean before that, before my mom passed away. A
year before that, you know, also had my knee injury too. Yeah,
so I was grieving my knee injury on top of
a year later my mom passing. And so for me,
this journey the last three years of my life has
just been one of those things where you just kind
of got a surrender and just let God just do
what he do because I can't do it myself at all.
(04:34):
That's one thing that I've learned in this journey is
just like the strength that I have is all from God,
and it took me to surrender to actually understand how
I'm able to get through this. Losing my mom was
I don't like saying losing, because she's not lost. You
know what happened, She transitioned, she passed away, and so
for me, just her transition to another rim of life
(04:57):
has been extremely challenging because we were working on our relationship.
Not saying that it was bad or anything like that,
but you know, just going through being so busy with
basketball and losing so much family time. For me, it
was a lot that me and my mom missed out
on because of my commitment to my sport. And so
(05:18):
for me, this has been one of the things that
I didn't expect because she was completely fond. There was
nothing wrong with her when she passed, and so for me,
it was it was it was it was uncertain, you know,
there was definitely a lot of uncertainty going on in
my life. And like I said, I was also grieving
from my knee injury that I had rupture my patella,
(05:38):
and so that was me grieving from not being able
to play the sport that I love anymore at a
high level. And so those two things back to bad year,
back to back, year to year. Like it was something
that I couldn't have guessed what happened. But like I said,
I really learned early, like when my mom passed, I
really just had to surrender and just give it to
God because trying to take on all of that myself
(06:00):
wasn't Yeah, it's extremely heavy, extremely heavy, But one thing
that helped me along the way was just having good
people around me.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yeah, that's really heavy. I want to take this opportunity
to kind of elucidate two things parathetically. That's the doctor
and me, because you talk about surrender, but then also
grief and for those that are watching, grief is the
end of a thing, and I like to say grief
(06:30):
is also the price we pay for love. It's a
painful price to pay, whether you're grieving a loss of
a family member, of loved one, the loss of a job,
because it's the end of a thing. Grieving just a
transition in a stage in life. I know when I
(06:51):
turned forty, I know I grieve leaving my thirties and
twenties and teens because forty was this It was this
transition because nobody talks about what happens after forty, like, yeah,
I don't hear people talking about forty, right. So I
(07:12):
had this immense amount of just grief because I felt like, man,
my youth is over. And so grief doesn't necessarily have
to come from somebody passing away, but it can also
be Man, I don't know if I can handle this
(07:33):
next part of my life. You see this when parents
have to let their kids go off to college. That's
grief because I'm no longer baby, you know what I'm saying,
or being a parent, as I tell parents often, I said,
you're no longer a parent, you become a consultant. And
so all of these different transitions bring about grief. But
(07:55):
in your situation, it's interesting because it's three four right,
there's the end of basketball, there's trying to fire life
out of basketball. Then you injure your knee, then there's mom.
So here come the surrender part that you talk about. Now.
I really want to dive into this because people love
(08:17):
to throw that word surrender around absolutely, you know, and
I say, you thought it around, but because surrender the
word sounds all just surrender. Yeah. It's not that easy though,
And I'm often telling people, you know, somebody, especially when
somebody to tell something to me, My mentor is like, yay,
he told me, like years ago before I got this journey,
he got a surrender. I'm like, dude, what does that mean?
(08:39):
What a surrender means to you?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Not trying to take it on all just by myself,
you know, allowing people to step in and be there
for me when I need it most, and not trying
to be a captain save yourself, you know, Like I'm
a very independent person. I think sports kind of just
made me that way in general. But when you're going
through something so traumatic, it's like losing your mom, like
(09:06):
you can't that's something that you can't do by yourself.
And so for me, it was just like I need
to surrender my old self and trying to be let's
just protect me and not let other people in and
not allow other people to help me. And that's really
what I learned with my knee injury. You know, I
couldn't do anything for six months. I couldn't walk, couldn't drive,
(09:26):
couldn't walk up the steps. It was just I literally
had to move back home. I had to surrender in
that aspect of allowing people to do things for me.
Bathe me, put on my clothes.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
That's hard. For US athletes, it's hard.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
And that was my first major injury, so for me.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
It was and then the injury came out to basketball.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Came completely after basketball. It was my first ever injury,
and it was like why, like why did this happen now?
And a lot of people don't know. I was actually
trying to go back and play, and so when it
did happen, I was just like, Okay, okay, God, Like, what.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Do you feel like that was a sign for you?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Oh yeah. The same day I got injured was the
same day I got a contract to go back and play.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
So it was definitely a song like, Okay, that chapter
has ended and it's okay.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
I want to the listeners and viewers. I want you
to look at your camera and say that to people
that when something in it's okay.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Yeah, no, I mean that's just the way of life.
I mean, we're gonna have our highs and lows. Nothing
is gonna last forever, and so when something does and like,
it's okay, Like I believe that God restores what we
lost and it's only to push us towards something better.
So it's okay. Trust me.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Here's a challenge because somebody is watching and they're like,
what if God doesn't restore it.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
I had those questions as well. I had those same
exact thoughts.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Now that if you feel about Cylinder.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Uh, my personal belief on it is just you kind
of gotta go through it. You just gotta go through it.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
That part right there, Come on.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
You really just gotta go through it, cause it's it's
gonna come. All things work for our.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Good Romans eight twenty eight, for our Bible folks out there,
for our Bibles listeners.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
No, absolutely, so that I truly just believe that. I
think that was instilled in me at a very young age.
This wasn't the first low that I've been through, so
for me, especially as athletes like, we go through lows
and highs throughout our whole career. So for me, it
was just like, it's just another thing that I had
to experience to get to wherever God has taking me.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Yo, And I really want you guys to just really
just take in because this is uncommon, right, So to
sit here with this level of grace, it's very uncommon
(12:06):
after what you just went through. And if I can
just kind of really expound on surrender, it's really letting
go of your wheel. And I think oftentimes it's hard
for us to accept transitions and accept when things happen.
(12:27):
And I'm not saying that you have to when it happen,
because even that is a process, but there's a process
of taking your hands off of it, and taking your
hands off of it is also trusting that there is
something greater and it's never going to feel like that
in the beginning. So please let me communicate that, because
(12:48):
it's easy to bet on the other side to say, well,
you just got to give it to God. But initially,
when you heard a mom passing, that had to be
hard to just say, I'm going to surrender and give
all this to God. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
No. And then my situation was different because I was
the one who actually had to make that call. You know,
like we were there in the hospital where I flew
from here to New York, and we sat with her
for five days, and it was just one of those
ultimatums of situations where it was just like, you know,
we could take her off, and she was on a
ventilator at the time. So when I first got to
(13:25):
New York, she was already had she had surgery already,
she had a blood clot in her brain, and so
she had already had surgery, she was already on a ventilator.
So we sat there with her for five days, laughing, praying,
crying and singing, just trying to, you know, get her
to come back to life, basically doing what we could do,
because at that point there was nothing we could do.
So we had to surrender in that moment as well.
(13:47):
And then Ultimately the doctor came in, it was just like,
this is your options. Take her off and hope that
she comes back to life, or we just continue to wait.
But just from what we're seeing, they coming there every
every three hours doing tests, making sure that trying to
see if her limbs are still working, things of that
sort of seeing if she's aware. But it was just like,
(14:11):
you know, do we want her to continue to suffer
with his breathing tube down her throat? Do we want
to take that chance? Like? What is that like? So
it was me, my older brother and my aunt that
was there, and they put it on me, and I
was like, y'all sure, y'all want me to make this decision?
Like why Like you're the calmest person in this room
right now. And for me, it was the hardest decision
(14:32):
I've ever had to make in my whole entire life.
And it was just like but I trusted because when
I first walked in that room, I've never seen her
look so beautiful, like she was just at peace. She
looked ten years younger. Wow, she was so at peace.
Every nurse that came in was like, wow, are you
sure your mom is sixty three? Like she looks like
(14:53):
she's forty three, and we're just like, yeah, we're sure,
but she just looks so so so at peace that
like I like, I literally didn't leave the hospital for
five days. I was by her side. I slept there
every single night. And before I made that decision, I
was like, honey, it'll take a breath of fresh air.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
I I was just going to ask you, how did
you make that decision?
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Man? I just had to go what I felt was
right for her. I didn't want to be selfish and
make a decision that felt right for me, but I
wanted to make decision like what felt right for her,
and my mom was a warrior, is a warrior. She
had two open heart surgeries, like those aren't easy to
recover from and to live through, Like that's not something easy.
(15:39):
So for me, I I literally I went and I
walked probably like five miles, and I was just praying,
talking to God, just just give me a sign, or
like what am I supposed to do? Why am I
in this situation? Like why am I in this position
to make this decision over my mom's life? Like this
is huge? And I kid you not, And I wish
I would have took a picture of it. But I
(16:00):
was walking back to the hospital and I saw it
in the sky just so clear, like white, and the
sky was blue, it was clear, and I just saw
like this white light just shining through the sky and
I was like, Okay, she's fine, She's at peace. So
I walked in there. I told my brother, and my
brother was not happy with me, and I'm just like,
(16:23):
that's what God told me, so I can't really argue
in and so for me in that moment, like no
one prepares you for that. And even to this day,
like I battled with that, I struggled with that, just
living with that decision. Yes, even though I know it
was right, I still have those thoughts that come into
(16:44):
my mom like, well, you probably should have just held
on just a little bit longer, especially when things come
on social media and like oh my mom came back
after twenty days of being in a colla, and I'm
just like like, maybe did I make the right decision?
Did I make the right choice? But I know I
I feel it in my heart, but I still have
those thoughts. I still have those negative things that try
(17:05):
to tell me like, oh, you did the wrong thing,
or this wasn't the right situation, right choice for you
to make, but ultimately like it was, and when it
did happen, it was just like, I don't want to
get into that, but just like the way she went
was just so peaceful, and like I said, she looked stunning.
I've never seen my mom look so beautiful before. That
(17:26):
was the crazy part about it, you know.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I think there's something to really hold is that you
really can hold both feelings. And I think we oftentimes
feel that we have to choose one or the others.
We have to choose, well, I should be happy or
I should be sad, But you can hold both. I
(17:50):
think life has a unique perspective of duality to where
I know I made the right decision, but I also
still hurts because I had to make that decision. And
we don't have to pick one or the other, and
we can hold both. And that's the other thing that
I think that we've really miss about grief is that, man,
(18:17):
I don't want to stop hooping for me, I don't
want to stop playing ball. Like my career in it
when I was like twenty five, and it's and and
and it was hard because there was no doctor j
there was nobody that looked like me. You know that
that that could really help walk me out of that
transition and to really and relate because most people like, well,
(18:41):
you got a scholarship and you got you graduated and
you should be And it's just like, man, you don't
realize what ball did for me. Absolutely, you know, you
don't realize what the locker room do for us. Absolutely,
because oftentimes when we walk out of the locker room,
the world is the longless place for us because more
and have the world are not athletes. People hate working out.
(19:04):
All the things that we love. People hate. We like
eating right, we like getting up, working out, were like running,
we like. We love all these different things and it's
hard to relate to people. So when you talk about
having people around you, because healing has to have a community.
If you don't have a community when you're healing, I
(19:25):
challenge people say you're not healing. Like when people go,
well I went through this breakup, and I'm like, well,
how did you get through it? Well, I just took
some time off from dating. Oka that you have community,
did somebody you know go on this journey with you? No?
I just journal, which is great, but exactly to an extent.
(19:47):
But there's a communal perspective that has to be connected
to healing, because if you're doing it along, I'm not
sure if you're really progressing. Absolutely, how important was as
you talk about having people good people around you, How
important was a community for you during all of this
(20:10):
transition and that navigated this grief?
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I mean it was extremely important for me. I will
admit I did isolate myself from them. I feel like
I just needed some time to figure out how I
was feeling. I had so many emotions going on. We're
just dealing with so much in the past couple of years.
I'm like, all right, Like I was kind of mad
at God a little bit, but couldn't really be mad
at God because I understand how life works, like we
(20:35):
all have our time.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
So can you talk about that a little bit because
about being mad at God? Yeah, because you need to
be back mad at God. In fact, I think he
invites that.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Yeah, absolutely absolutely, And I'm not afraid to shot. I'm
not a shot. Look, I'm not afraid to shoy away
from that. You know, I actually leaned into it. I
would go on my closet and I would scream and
cry and yell and like why and all of that,
and it helped me during my grieving process. It's important
(21:05):
to do that though, because it's not always going to
be peaches and rainbows with God. He's gonna bring things
in your life that's gonna happen, and he knows that
you're going to be mad at him. But how do
you address being mad at God? A lot of people
don't know how to do that. And luckily I did have,
you know, a pastor around me. I did have great friends.
I have great family around me that allowed me to
(21:26):
just be me during that moment and not be a
coach to me, but be a supporter. And I think
that's so important when you're going through a grieving process.
You got to have people around you that support you
and not try to tell you, all right, man, you've
been doing this, now it's time to get up. No,
Like they supported me through my journey and it was
extremely important for me.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Yeah, the growth you made in the past three years,
if it's a woman that you are yet becoming, evolving
in a way that you have evolved. Mom is here today,
what would she say to Maya, let me cry. It's okay.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
I hear her all the time though, I'm proud of you,
baby girl. That was her name for me, Baby girl.
I'm proud of you, baby girl. Keep going, baby Girl,
You're doing it, Baby Girl, You're that girl, baby Like.
I hear those affirmations daily, and I just know that
she is smiling all you can see all her teeth
right now. She is just ecstatic because she knew it
was coming. We had this conversation before she passed. She
(22:33):
knew all of this was coming. Really yeah, not necessarily
her death, but just the woman that I was becoming.
She knew it. She's seen all the things that I
had to go through to even get to the level
that I went to at the WNBA, like I was
a zero star coming out of high school. Like I
wasn't one of those heavily recruited players. I was someone
(22:53):
who really had to make a name for myself. And
she saw that resilience back then, and so I remember
distinct a conversation that we had and she was like,
you're gonna You're gonna be doing something really big. We
didn't know what it was, and we still, you know,
I'm still figuring it out, but she knew, and so
she was here today. She would just continue to tell
me to keep pushing, keep going. She's proud of me,
(23:16):
she loves me, and that I need to continue to
take care of my brother. That's exactly what she would
tell me.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
So yeah, wow, that that that is so beautiful. I'm
sitting here taking all this in and I know the
viewers and those that are want to be watching it.
It's really going to uh just because some things and
I love to just pace myself in conversations, and especially
(23:41):
in this pace. She gotta take it in. Yeah, You've
got to sit and just absorb it. And I'm absorbing
your courage, and then I'm also absorbing your grace and
your authenticity because there have been so many moments that
I have looked in at and I'm like, what the
(24:02):
what the heck is going on? Man? Like you know,
like good brother, Like what happening? And I don't think believers,
I don't think people in the world talk enough about
what do you do when you call on God and
he just it feels like he's just watching and he
(24:23):
won't say anything. And I think it's our human right
to express the anger to him and to express it
in a way that allows us to feel because too
many times, I feel like people act like they're going
to bring an indictment on God's character if they are
(24:45):
mad at him, And I'm like, man, God invites it.
In fact, he has anger.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Absolutely, we do stuff to make God maw too.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
It said the scripture said, he looked down and he
became anger with man. And I think we we have
to have an understanding that as much as we think
God is different from us, he is so much like us.
Are there vast differences, absolutely, But I think when it
comes to the human emotions and and and to talk
(25:17):
about even the things that Jesus experienced. There's a scripture
that I love. It says Jesus grew from the things
he suffered. So that tells me there's much suffering that
is attached to grow. And if you want to grow, baby,
you better you better lean into this. You better buckle up,
(25:37):
because I'm telling you there's a suffering and just to
just to feel your strength, because I can feel it,
because I don't know what it's like to lose a
parent because your.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Mom was young then my mom was my only parent
growing up. So like at this point, it's just like, okay,
like how do I really never gate through life, you
know what I'm saying. Like I was twenty eight at
the time, So for me, it was just like, oh,
I'm too young, Like wait, wait, god, wait, god, I'm
too young for this, Like I'm not married, I don't
(26:11):
have any kids yet, like so now, like what's really
going on? So for me, it was I had so
many questions, so many things that I'm like, all right,
can you, like, can you answer this for me? Like
what's really going on?
Speaker 1 (26:24):
And you probably still have questions.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Oh man, of course, of course.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
So for somebody who's watching who may have experienced grief,
losing a loved one or a loss of job, divorce,
the end of a career, what is your daily routine
or what is your how do you approach life daily
on this journey? What is that like for you? Because
(26:51):
grief it's like a tidal wave. That thing comes and
just you know, different times, this is the ebbs and
flows up. What is your approach to your daily sort
of life?
Speaker 2 (27:05):
I mean every day, Like you said, grief comes whenever
it wants to, so every day is not the same
for me. The biggest thing is just starting my day
with prayer. I think that has been the biggest thing
for me, which is always been a part of my
daily routine, but just starting my day with prayer, starting
my day with God, meditating however that may look for people,
but for me, it's just reading my scripture, meditating on
the scripture, and taking care of me first thing in
(27:28):
the morning, going to the gym, making sure I'm eating
right in the morning, making sure I'm taking care of
my vessel and my body so I'm in the right
mental space. Because a lot of people don't know, your
gut is your second brain. So for me, I like
to take care of my gut and so I'm not
out here thinking these crazy thoughts about oh why my
day isn't going the way it's opposed to. So for me,
that's the start of my day. I gotta fuel my spirit,
(27:49):
and I gotta fuel my body and fuel my mind.
So for me, it's just to spend the time with
God physical, making sure I'm going to the gym, making
sure I'm eating right.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
You know, that's a whole nother. That's a whole other
because you know, a lot of the they anxiety. A
lot of these kids are experiencing.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
Food, but they eat what they eat.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
It's like you can't that. There was a study that
we were doing in school. There was a study on
red hot cheetos and how it was called how it
causes so many issues in the gut that perpetuates anxiety
and depression and all of these things because of the
red dye. And these kids are eating bags and stuff
(28:27):
every day, all day long and not realizing that what
you put into your body is the driver behind what
they will call crashing out. Absolutely, you know, I tell
these kids, I said, listen, you're going to keep crashing
out if you eat all this jump real talk. Because
you want to talk about mental health, let's start with food.
Speaker 2 (28:46):
Yeah. No, that's exactly where it starts, truly, and it's
not a conversation that's talked about, especially with the young generation.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Yes, my oh man, this is so good, This is
so rich. So I asked every guest uh this question.
And I know for me this question is always it's
it's I mean, it's it can go in any different
direction depending on them which way I'm looking at life.
(29:16):
What does healing means to you?
Speaker 2 (29:22):
What does healing mean to me? That's a good one
to me. Healing is and I bring God into everything,
But I have to. To me, healing is just allowing
God to restore you, maybe not to what you used
(29:46):
to be, but to who you are meant to be.
And so for me, healing is just allowing God to
just mold me into who I'm supposed to be each
and every day. And it's and it's something that you
have to be courageous to do. You have to be
courageous to heal. A lot of people are okay with oh,
(30:07):
this is just who I am. But with healing comes growth,
and I want to grow. I don't want to be
the same person I was two three years ago. So
for me, healing is just allowing God to restore me
to what it is that he wants me to be
in life.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Oh I love that. You know what I love about
this question is every answer is different. It's every answer
is different. And I love to watch people's body language
when I ask him that question because they're like, oh wow,
like I mean. And what I love about that question
is you get to hear the journey through the person's answer.
(30:47):
You know, I had an opportunity to set down with
my good brother Josh Powell, and when I asked him,
he said, it's where you are. I think it's it's
where you are or where you're trying to get to.
And he talked about, you know, this process of just
(31:07):
trying to not stay in the same place, but to
get to that place that God has you and the
way he shared what healing was to him, and I'm
just kind of paraphras him, but it was just one
of those thoughts that just set with me. Because if
you're healing, you can't stay where you are, you have
(31:28):
to move. There would be much grief because also healing
is dying to who you've been. Yep. Absolutely, it's also
dying to the thoughts. It's dying to the life, dying
to the belief system, it's all of that. So as
you're navigating this grief and this journey and navigating this
(31:52):
journey of also rediscovering because you now have to become
a new Maya, how would you close this out to
a person who is getting ready to start their journey
of healing going to therapy, doing grief therapy, because grief
(32:16):
therapy is necessary. Absolutely after you've lost, what would you say.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
To be patient with yourself, give yourself grace, find a community.
I know for me, I actually joined grief therapy probably
at the top of this year. I've done to sixteen No,
this is my first time doing it. I did a
thirteen week session with group therapy, and just being in
a community of people who have experienced the things that
I've experienced has been extremely helpful for me. But just
(32:44):
give me yourself grace and being patient. It's not gonna
all happen in a month. It's not all gonna happen
in three to six months. You've really got to be
patient with yourself and give yourself grace and just trust
that it's working off for your good.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
Yes, Maya listen, I'm expecting great things from you. I
don't know you're gonna be a minister or or a
youth passor you see that you got that, You got
that all on you. Really for the youth, Yeah, you
got it on you. I'm not gonna put it on
you now, but something is on you. But because you
because anytime you've experienced great laws, there's a great ministry
(33:22):
in you. And I'm when I say ministry, I'm not
talking about church preaching ministry, as if there's a great
work in you to do and the curve that you
have and the heart that you have and then the
sports that gave you the resilience and the tenacity. Uh,
these kids needed absolutely, they needed I know you coach
a young basketball team did and has has that helped
(33:46):
you a lot in your process.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
And is absolutely I mean, that was an opportunity that
just came out the blue, and it wasn't something that
I necessarily thought I would be doing coaching high school basketball.
But I needed it to get out the house, to
commit to something else, and to just allow my love
for the game to just come back to my life.
And that was huge for me, and being around them,
(34:09):
it showed me like, wow, like they need someone like
me in their life, just a role model, someone to
show them like, you know, you're gonna have house. And
I was very vulnerable, very open with them expressing the
things that I've been through the last couple of years,
and it just they've changed so much, such beautiful young girls,
Like it was a blessing to actually be in that situation,
(34:31):
be in that position to pour back into the youth.
So that in itself was like because my mom was
my middle school coach and my high school coach. Wow,
So for me, it was a full circle moment where
it was just like wow, like I'm doing what she
was doing. It was beautiful because it really helped me
a lot. Like they thought I was helping them, but
they were helping me. Man, He'll do it every single time.
(34:54):
I needed that so so bad because.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
As you're helping them be all so healing young mayers.
That's that's the beauty other man. Listen, I have enjoyed
this conversation with you and and and enjoyed having you
in this healing community. And uh, just I'm I'm just
overjoyed because I've had an opportunity to work with you
(35:20):
and and to watch your journey and to watch you evolve,
and I just want to say, I'm so proud of
the proud of the the young woman that you're becoming.
I'm proud of the trail that you're blazing for young
women in basketball and just for young women in general.
They need more models, absolutely, and they need more women
(35:40):
that are willing to live within their true purpose and authentic, authentic,
authentic self, you know. And so I'm so excited that
you get to be that example for them and to
exhibit something outside of what they see, you know, on
a on a on a consistent basis you know with
social media. So I wish you much, much, much much
(36:05):
blessing on your journey and keep healing those young ladies.
As I know you will continue on your journey, so
thank you for joining me. Listen. This has been a
powerful episode and on grief and if you are in
need of grief therapy, I won't encourage you to seek
out grief therapy. If you lost a loved one, you
(36:29):
lost something. I don't think grief therapy should just be
associated with losing somebody. I think when something ends in
our life, it's okay to go sit down and talk
with somebody because when you come to the end of
a thing, there's much resolve that has to happen in
order for us to move to the next And as
(36:51):
we're in transition, I encourage you to continue on your
journey wherever you are. Some of you may be starting therapy,
some of you may be looking for community, but I
want to encourage you to continue your journey wherever you are,
and remember subscribe. If you are just coming into this
healing community, we would love to have you. And also
(37:12):
listen to the Just Heal with Doctor j on The
Black Effect and iHeart Network and anywhere you listen to podcasts.
New episodes drop every Tuesday, and you can also catch
these videos every Thursday dropping on the YouTube page. And remember,
healing is a journey and wholeness is the destination. And
(37:34):
until next time, keep healing. Just here with Doctor J,
a production of the Black Effect podcast Network. For more
podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you listen to your favorite shows. And you can
follow me at King J. Barnett on Instagram and x
and follow us on YouTube. Just Heal, Doctor J.
Welcome to jess Hell with Doctor J, a production of
The Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Hello, I am
doctor J. Barnett and welcome to Just Heal with Doctor J,
powered by The Black Effect and iHeart Podcast Network. Listen.
I want to take the opportunity to tell you to
subscribe to the Healing Community, and I want to say
(00:22):
to those who have already subscribed, welcome healers. I call
you healers because that is what we should be doing
as we're navigating through this life, healing, touching lives and
making other people lives better. But I am happy about
today's episode because I get to sit down with the
incomparable former w NBA player and also I call her
(00:46):
a legend because she was a legend you know at
her college, n C State. I got it right in
C State. Maya Spencer is joining us today and I
want to welcome her to the Healing Community. How you doing,
miss Maya? It's amazing, awesome. Now when you come to
the Healing community, part of this community is about having
(01:10):
a conversation that is going to not only provoke healing,
but also it's going to provide insight. We're going to
have people from various walks of life, watching and listening,
and then also to those who are listening, I want
to invite you to just be open because today we
want to get deep and today we're going to talk
(01:31):
about some grief and we're going to talk about transitioning
from being an athlete and something that I can relate to,
and we'll talk about that. But I want to start off,
which is a locating question. I don't like to ask
people how they're doing. I like to ask people how
are they feeling? So how are you feeling?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
First off, I just want to say thank you for
having me here. Yeah, it was just such an amazing
platform to just share my experience as my story. But
I'm feeling amazing. I think the transitions that I've had
recently have led me to where I am. So just overall,
I am in a good place as of today, and
that's the only thing I can count on right now.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Listen, I want to say thank you because I am
familiar with your story and with your journey, and it
takes a lot of courage to not only just share
your story, but also it takes a lot of courage
to just really sit in moments where you relive some
(02:30):
of your stories. And I don't think we think enough
about that, But I love what you said that as
of today and where I am now, and I think
that's a great opportunity for those that are watching it
is listen, always be where your feet are planted, and
if you always wear your feet are planted, I think
it minimize your anxiety and it minimize just trying to
(02:50):
control tomorrow. As I like to say, I don't really
know about tomorrow. In fact, tomorrow doesn't really exist. The
future is really not until it happens. But the thing
that is real is the present moment. So thank you
for sharing this present moment. And I'm glad to hear
that you're in a good place, knowing that this journey
(03:14):
that you have been on, and I want to really
just flow into this because I know it is a
challenging journey. I like to say that it is a
continuous process as we're healing, because some days are good,
some days are bad, some days are horrible, and some
(03:36):
days are just freaking terrible. So honestly, and recently, and
not as of recent, but recently, as of a couple
of years now, you lost your mother, and you and
your mom, were rebuilding your relationship. What has that journey
(03:59):
been like to just really because you also transition out
of WNBA, transition as an athlete, so you got all
of these transitions.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
I mean before that, before my mom passed away. A
year before that, you know, also had my knee injury too. Yeah,
so I was grieving my knee injury on top of
a year later my mom passing. And so for me,
this journey the last three years of my life has
just been one of those things where you just kind
of got a surrender and just let God just do
what he do because I can't do it myself at all.
(04:34):
That's one thing that I've learned in this journey is
just like the strength that I have is all from God,
and it took me to surrender to actually understand how
I'm able to get through this. Losing my mom was
I don't like saying losing, because she's not lost. You
know what happened, She transitioned, she passed away, and so
for me, just her transition to another rim of life
(04:57):
has been extremely challenging because we were working on our relationship.
Not saying that it was bad or anything like that,
but you know, just going through being so busy with
basketball and losing so much family time. For me, it
was a lot that me and my mom missed out
on because of my commitment to my sport. And so
(05:18):
for me, this has been one of the things that
I didn't expect because she was completely fond. There was
nothing wrong with her when she passed, and so for me,
it was it was it was it was uncertain, you know,
there was definitely a lot of uncertainty going on in
my life. And like I said, I was also grieving
from my knee injury that I had rupture my patella,
(05:38):
and so that was me grieving from not being able
to play the sport that I love anymore at a
high level. And so those two things back to bad year,
back to back, year to year. Like it was something
that I couldn't have guessed what happened. But like I said,
I really learned early, like when my mom passed, I
really just had to surrender and just give it to
God because trying to take on all of that myself
(06:00):
wasn't Yeah, it's extremely heavy, extremely heavy, But one thing
that helped me along the way was just having good
people around me.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yeah, that's really heavy. I want to take this opportunity
to kind of elucidate two things parathetically. That's the doctor
and me, because you talk about surrender, but then also
grief and for those that are watching, grief is the
end of a thing, and I like to say grief
(06:30):
is also the price we pay for love. It's a
painful price to pay, whether you're grieving a loss of
a family member, of loved one, the loss of a job,
because it's the end of a thing. Grieving just a
transition in a stage in life. I know when I
(06:51):
turned forty, I know I grieve leaving my thirties and
twenties and teens because forty was this It was this
transition because nobody talks about what happens after forty, like, yeah,
I don't hear people talking about forty, right. So I
(07:12):
had this immense amount of just grief because I felt like, man,
my youth is over. And so grief doesn't necessarily have
to come from somebody passing away, but it can also
be Man, I don't know if I can handle this
(07:33):
next part of my life. You see this when parents
have to let their kids go off to college. That's
grief because I'm no longer baby, you know what I'm saying,
or being a parent, as I tell parents often, I said,
you're no longer a parent, you become a consultant. And
so all of these different transitions bring about grief. But
(07:55):
in your situation, it's interesting because it's three four right,
there's the end of basketball, there's trying to fire life
out of basketball. Then you injure your knee, then there's mom.
So here come the surrender part that you talk about. Now.
I really want to dive into this because people love
(08:17):
to throw that word surrender around absolutely, you know, and
I say, you thought it around, but because surrender the
word sounds all just surrender. Yeah. It's not that easy though,
And I'm often telling people, you know, somebody, especially when
somebody to tell something to me, My mentor is like, yay,
he told me, like years ago before I got this journey,
he got a surrender. I'm like, dude, what does that mean?
(08:39):
What a surrender means to you?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Not trying to take it on all just by myself,
you know, allowing people to step in and be there
for me when I need it most, and not trying
to be a captain save yourself, you know, Like I'm
a very independent person. I think sports kind of just
made me that way in general. But when you're going
through something so traumatic, it's like losing your mom, like
(09:06):
you can't that's something that you can't do by yourself.
And so for me, it was just like I need
to surrender my old self and trying to be let's
just protect me and not let other people in and
not allow other people to help me. And that's really
what I learned with my knee injury. You know, I
couldn't do anything for six months. I couldn't walk, couldn't drive,
(09:26):
couldn't walk up the steps. It was just I literally
had to move back home. I had to surrender in
that aspect of allowing people to do things for me.
Bathe me, put on my clothes.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
That's hard. For US athletes, it's hard.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
And that was my first major injury, so for me.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
It was and then the injury came out to basketball.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Came completely after basketball. It was my first ever injury,
and it was like why, like why did this happen now?
And a lot of people don't know. I was actually
trying to go back and play, and so when it
did happen, I was just like, Okay, okay, God, Like, what.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Do you feel like that was a sign for you?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Oh yeah. The same day I got injured was the
same day I got a contract to go back and play.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
So it was definitely a song like, Okay, that chapter
has ended and it's okay.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
I want to the listeners and viewers. I want you
to look at your camera and say that to people
that when something in it's okay.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Yeah, no, I mean that's just the way of life.
I mean, we're gonna have our highs and lows. Nothing
is gonna last forever, and so when something does and like,
it's okay, Like I believe that God restores what we
lost and it's only to push us towards something better.
So it's okay. Trust me.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Here's a challenge because somebody is watching and they're like,
what if God doesn't restore it.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
I had those questions as well. I had those same
exact thoughts.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Now that if you feel about Cylinder.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Uh, my personal belief on it is just you kind
of gotta go through it. You just gotta go through it.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
That part right there, Come on.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
You really just gotta go through it, cause it's it's
gonna come. All things work for our.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Good Romans eight twenty eight, for our Bible folks out there,
for our Bibles listeners.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
No, absolutely, so that I truly just believe that. I
think that was instilled in me at a very young age.
This wasn't the first low that I've been through, so
for me, especially as athletes like, we go through lows
and highs throughout our whole career. So for me, it
was just like, it's just another thing that I had
to experience to get to wherever God has taking me.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Yo, And I really want you guys to just really
just take in because this is uncommon, right, So to
sit here with this level of grace, it's very uncommon
(12:06):
after what you just went through. And if I can
just kind of really expound on surrender, it's really letting
go of your wheel. And I think oftentimes it's hard
for us to accept transitions and accept when things happen.
(12:27):
And I'm not saying that you have to when it happen,
because even that is a process, but there's a process
of taking your hands off of it, and taking your
hands off of it is also trusting that there is
something greater and it's never going to feel like that
in the beginning. So please let me communicate that, because
(12:48):
it's easy to bet on the other side to say, well,
you just got to give it to God. But initially,
when you heard a mom passing, that had to be
hard to just say, I'm going to surrender and give
all this to God. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
No. And then my situation was different because I was
the one who actually had to make that call. You know,
like we were there in the hospital where I flew
from here to New York, and we sat with her
for five days, and it was just one of those
ultimatums of situations where it was just like, you know,
we could take her off, and she was on a
ventilator at the time. So when I first got to
(13:25):
New York, she was already had she had surgery already,
she had a blood clot in her brain, and so
she had already had surgery, she was already on a ventilator.
So we sat there with her for five days, laughing, praying,
crying and singing, just trying to, you know, get her
to come back to life, basically doing what we could do,
because at that point there was nothing we could do.
So we had to surrender in that moment as well.
(13:47):
And then Ultimately the doctor came in, it was just like,
this is your options. Take her off and hope that
she comes back to life, or we just continue to wait.
But just from what we're seeing, they coming there every
every three hours doing tests, making sure that trying to
see if her limbs are still working, things of that
sort of seeing if she's aware. But it was just like,
(14:11):
you know, do we want her to continue to suffer
with his breathing tube down her throat? Do we want
to take that chance? Like? What is that like? So
it was me, my older brother and my aunt that
was there, and they put it on me, and I
was like, y'all sure, y'all want me to make this decision?
Like why Like you're the calmest person in this room
right now. And for me, it was the hardest decision
(14:32):
I've ever had to make in my whole entire life.
And it was just like but I trusted because when
I first walked in that room, I've never seen her
look so beautiful, like she was just at peace. She
looked ten years younger. Wow, she was so at peace.
Every nurse that came in was like, wow, are you
sure your mom is sixty three? Like she looks like
(14:53):
she's forty three, and we're just like, yeah, we're sure,
but she just looks so so so at peace that
like I like, I literally didn't leave the hospital for
five days. I was by her side. I slept there
every single night. And before I made that decision, I
was like, honey, it'll take a breath of fresh air.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
I I was just going to ask you, how did
you make that decision?
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Man? I just had to go what I felt was
right for her. I didn't want to be selfish and
make a decision that felt right for me, but I
wanted to make decision like what felt right for her,
and my mom was a warrior, is a warrior. She
had two open heart surgeries, like those aren't easy to
recover from and to live through, Like that's not something easy.
(15:39):
So for me, I I literally I went and I
walked probably like five miles, and I was just praying,
talking to God, just just give me a sign, or
like what am I supposed to do? Why am I
in this situation? Like why am I in this position
to make this decision over my mom's life? Like this
is huge? And I kid you not, And I wish
I would have took a picture of it. But I
(16:00):
was walking back to the hospital and I saw it
in the sky just so clear, like white, and the
sky was blue, it was clear, and I just saw
like this white light just shining through the sky and
I was like, Okay, she's fine, She's at peace. So
I walked in there. I told my brother, and my
brother was not happy with me, and I'm just like,
(16:23):
that's what God told me, so I can't really argue
in and so for me in that moment, like no
one prepares you for that. And even to this day,
like I battled with that, I struggled with that, just
living with that decision. Yes, even though I know it
was right, I still have those thoughts that come into
(16:44):
my mom like, well, you probably should have just held
on just a little bit longer, especially when things come
on social media and like oh my mom came back
after twenty days of being in a colla, and I'm
just like like, maybe did I make the right decision?
Did I make the right choice? But I know I
I feel it in my heart, but I still have
those thoughts. I still have those negative things that try
(17:05):
to tell me like, oh, you did the wrong thing,
or this wasn't the right situation, right choice for you
to make, but ultimately like it was, and when it
did happen, it was just like, I don't want to
get into that, but just like the way she went
was just so peaceful, and like I said, she looked stunning.
I've never seen my mom look so beautiful before. That
(17:26):
was the crazy part about it, you know.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I think there's something to really hold is that you
really can hold both feelings. And I think we oftentimes
feel that we have to choose one or the others.
We have to choose, well, I should be happy or
I should be sad, But you can hold both. I
(17:50):
think life has a unique perspective of duality to where
I know I made the right decision, but I also
still hurts because I had to make that decision. And
we don't have to pick one or the other, and
we can hold both. And that's the other thing that
I think that we've really miss about grief is that, man,
(18:17):
I don't want to stop hooping for me, I don't
want to stop playing ball. Like my career in it
when I was like twenty five, and it's and and
and it was hard because there was no doctor j
there was nobody that looked like me. You know that
that that could really help walk me out of that
transition and to really and relate because most people like, well,
(18:41):
you got a scholarship and you got you graduated and
you should be And it's just like, man, you don't
realize what ball did for me. Absolutely, you know, you
don't realize what the locker room do for us. Absolutely,
because oftentimes when we walk out of the locker room,
the world is the longless place for us because more
and have the world are not athletes. People hate working out.
(19:04):
All the things that we love. People hate. We like
eating right, we like getting up, working out, were like running,
we like. We love all these different things and it's
hard to relate to people. So when you talk about
having people around you, because healing has to have a community.
If you don't have a community when you're healing, I
(19:25):
challenge people say you're not healing. Like when people go,
well I went through this breakup, and I'm like, well,
how did you get through it? Well, I just took
some time off from dating. Oka that you have community,
did somebody you know go on this journey with you? No?
I just journal, which is great, but exactly to an extent.
(19:47):
But there's a communal perspective that has to be connected
to healing, because if you're doing it along, I'm not
sure if you're really progressing. Absolutely, how important was as
you talk about having people good people around you, How
important was a community for you during all of this
(20:10):
transition and that navigated this grief?
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I mean it was extremely important for me. I will
admit I did isolate myself from them. I feel like
I just needed some time to figure out how I
was feeling. I had so many emotions going on. We're
just dealing with so much in the past couple of years.
I'm like, all right, Like I was kind of mad
at God a little bit, but couldn't really be mad
at God because I understand how life works, like we
(20:35):
all have our time.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
So can you talk about that a little bit because
about being mad at God? Yeah, because you need to
be back mad at God. In fact, I think he
invites that.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Yeah, absolutely absolutely, And I'm not afraid to shot. I'm
not a shot. Look, I'm not afraid to shoy away
from that. You know, I actually leaned into it. I
would go on my closet and I would scream and
cry and yell and like why and all of that,
and it helped me during my grieving process. It's important
(21:05):
to do that though, because it's not always going to
be peaches and rainbows with God. He's gonna bring things
in your life that's gonna happen, and he knows that
you're going to be mad at him. But how do
you address being mad at God? A lot of people
don't know how to do that. And luckily I did have,
you know, a pastor around me. I did have great friends.
I have great family around me that allowed me to
(21:26):
just be me during that moment and not be a
coach to me, but be a supporter. And I think
that's so important when you're going through a grieving process.
You got to have people around you that support you
and not try to tell you, all right, man, you've
been doing this, now it's time to get up. No,
Like they supported me through my journey and it was
extremely important for me.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Yeah, the growth you made in the past three years,
if it's a woman that you are yet becoming, evolving
in a way that you have evolved. Mom is here today,
what would she say to Maya, let me cry. It's okay.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
I hear her all the time though, I'm proud of you,
baby girl. That was her name for me, Baby girl.
I'm proud of you, baby girl. Keep going, baby Girl,
You're doing it, Baby Girl, You're that girl, baby Like.
I hear those affirmations daily, and I just know that
she is smiling all you can see all her teeth
right now. She is just ecstatic because she knew it
was coming. We had this conversation before she passed. She
(22:33):
knew all of this was coming. Really yeah, not necessarily
her death, but just the woman that I was becoming.
She knew it. She's seen all the things that I
had to go through to even get to the level
that I went to at the WNBA, like I was
a zero star coming out of high school. Like I
wasn't one of those heavily recruited players. I was someone
(22:53):
who really had to make a name for myself. And
she saw that resilience back then, and so I remember
distinct a conversation that we had and she was like,
you're gonna You're gonna be doing something really big. We
didn't know what it was, and we still, you know,
I'm still figuring it out, but she knew, and so
she was here today. She would just continue to tell
me to keep pushing, keep going. She's proud of me,
(23:16):
she loves me, and that I need to continue to
take care of my brother. That's exactly what she would
tell me.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
So yeah, wow, that that that is so beautiful. I'm
sitting here taking all this in and I know the
viewers and those that are want to be watching it.
It's really going to uh just because some things and
I love to just pace myself in conversations, and especially
(23:41):
in this pace. She gotta take it in. Yeah, You've
got to sit and just absorb it. And I'm absorbing
your courage, and then I'm also absorbing your grace and
your authenticity because there have been so many moments that
I have looked in at and I'm like, what the
(24:02):
what the heck is going on? Man? Like you know,
like good brother, Like what happening? And I don't think believers,
I don't think people in the world talk enough about
what do you do when you call on God and
he just it feels like he's just watching and he
(24:23):
won't say anything. And I think it's our human right
to express the anger to him and to express it
in a way that allows us to feel because too
many times, I feel like people act like they're going
to bring an indictment on God's character if they are
(24:45):
mad at him, And I'm like, man, God invites it.
In fact, he has anger.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Absolutely, we do stuff to make God maw too.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
It said the scripture said, he looked down and he
became anger with man. And I think we we have
to have an understanding that as much as we think
God is different from us, he is so much like us.
Are there vast differences, absolutely, But I think when it
comes to the human emotions and and and to talk
(25:17):
about even the things that Jesus experienced. There's a scripture
that I love. It says Jesus grew from the things
he suffered. So that tells me there's much suffering that
is attached to grow. And if you want to grow, baby,
you better you better lean into this. You better buckle up,
(25:37):
because I'm telling you there's a suffering and just to
just to feel your strength, because I can feel it,
because I don't know what it's like to lose a
parent because your.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Mom was young then my mom was my only parent
growing up. So like at this point, it's just like, okay,
like how do I really never gate through life, you
know what I'm saying. Like I was twenty eight at
the time, So for me, it was just like, oh,
I'm too young, Like wait, wait, god, wait, god, I'm
too young for this, Like I'm not married, I don't
(26:11):
have any kids yet, like so now, like what's really
going on? So for me, it was I had so
many questions, so many things that I'm like, all right,
can you, like, can you answer this for me? Like
what's really going on?
Speaker 1 (26:24):
And you probably still have questions.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Oh man, of course, of course.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
So for somebody who's watching who may have experienced grief,
losing a loved one or a loss of job, divorce,
the end of a career, what is your daily routine
or what is your how do you approach life daily
on this journey? What is that like for you? Because
(26:51):
grief it's like a tidal wave. That thing comes and
just you know, different times, this is the ebbs and
flows up. What is your approach to your daily sort
of life?
Speaker 2 (27:05):
I mean every day, Like you said, grief comes whenever
it wants to, so every day is not the same
for me. The biggest thing is just starting my day
with prayer. I think that has been the biggest thing
for me, which is always been a part of my
daily routine, but just starting my day with prayer, starting
my day with God, meditating however that may look for people,
but for me, it's just reading my scripture, meditating on
the scripture, and taking care of me first thing in
(27:28):
the morning, going to the gym, making sure I'm eating
right in the morning, making sure I'm taking care of
my vessel and my body so I'm in the right
mental space. Because a lot of people don't know, your
gut is your second brain. So for me, I like
to take care of my gut and so I'm not
out here thinking these crazy thoughts about oh why my
day isn't going the way it's opposed to. So for me,
that's the start of my day. I gotta fuel my spirit,
(27:49):
and I gotta fuel my body and fuel my mind.
So for me, it's just to spend the time with
God physical, making sure I'm going to the gym, making
sure I'm eating right.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
You know, that's a whole nother. That's a whole other
because you know, a lot of the they anxiety. A
lot of these kids are experiencing.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
Food, but they eat what they eat.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
It's like you can't that. There was a study that
we were doing in school. There was a study on
red hot cheetos and how it was called how it
causes so many issues in the gut that perpetuates anxiety
and depression and all of these things because of the
red dye. And these kids are eating bags and stuff
(28:27):
every day, all day long and not realizing that what
you put into your body is the driver behind what
they will call crashing out. Absolutely, you know, I tell
these kids, I said, listen, you're going to keep crashing
out if you eat all this jump real talk. Because
you want to talk about mental health, let's start with food.
Speaker 2 (28:46):
Yeah. No, that's exactly where it starts, truly, and it's
not a conversation that's talked about, especially with the young generation.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Yes, my oh man, this is so good, This is
so rich. So I asked every guest uh this question.
And I know for me this question is always it's
it's I mean, it's it can go in any different
direction depending on them which way I'm looking at life.
(29:16):
What does healing means to you?
Speaker 2 (29:22):
What does healing mean to me? That's a good one
to me. Healing is and I bring God into everything,
But I have to. To me, healing is just allowing
God to restore you, maybe not to what you used
(29:46):
to be, but to who you are meant to be.
And so for me, healing is just allowing God to
just mold me into who I'm supposed to be each
and every day. And it's and it's something that you
have to be courageous to do. You have to be
courageous to heal. A lot of people are okay with oh,
(30:07):
this is just who I am. But with healing comes growth,
and I want to grow. I don't want to be
the same person I was two three years ago. So
for me, healing is just allowing God to restore me
to what it is that he wants me to be
in life.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Oh I love that. You know what I love about
this question is every answer is different. It's every answer
is different. And I love to watch people's body language
when I ask him that question because they're like, oh wow,
like I mean. And what I love about that question
is you get to hear the journey through the person's answer.
(30:47):
You know, I had an opportunity to set down with
my good brother Josh Powell, and when I asked him,
he said, it's where you are. I think it's it's
where you are or where you're trying to get to.
And he talked about, you know, this process of just
(31:07):
trying to not stay in the same place, but to
get to that place that God has you and the
way he shared what healing was to him, and I'm
just kind of paraphras him, but it was just one
of those thoughts that just set with me. Because if
you're healing, you can't stay where you are, you have
(31:28):
to move. There would be much grief because also healing
is dying to who you've been. Yep. Absolutely, it's also
dying to the thoughts. It's dying to the life, dying
to the belief system, it's all of that. So as
you're navigating this grief and this journey and navigating this
(31:52):
journey of also rediscovering because you now have to become
a new Maya, how would you close this out to
a person who is getting ready to start their journey
of healing going to therapy, doing grief therapy, because grief
(32:16):
therapy is necessary. Absolutely after you've lost, what would you say.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
To be patient with yourself, give yourself grace, find a community.
I know for me, I actually joined grief therapy probably
at the top of this year. I've done to sixteen No,
this is my first time doing it. I did a
thirteen week session with group therapy, and just being in
a community of people who have experienced the things that
I've experienced has been extremely helpful for me. But just
(32:44):
give me yourself grace and being patient. It's not gonna
all happen in a month. It's not all gonna happen
in three to six months. You've really got to be
patient with yourself and give yourself grace and just trust
that it's working off for your good.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
Yes, Maya listen, I'm expecting great things from you. I
don't know you're gonna be a minister or or a
youth passor you see that you got that, You got
that all on you. Really for the youth, Yeah, you
got it on you. I'm not gonna put it on
you now, but something is on you. But because you
because anytime you've experienced great laws, there's a great ministry
(33:22):
in you. And I'm when I say ministry, I'm not
talking about church preaching ministry, as if there's a great
work in you to do and the curve that you
have and the heart that you have and then the
sports that gave you the resilience and the tenacity. Uh,
these kids needed absolutely, they needed I know you coach
a young basketball team did and has has that helped
(33:46):
you a lot in your process.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
And is absolutely I mean, that was an opportunity that
just came out the blue, and it wasn't something that
I necessarily thought I would be doing coaching high school basketball.
But I needed it to get out the house, to
commit to something else, and to just allow my love
for the game to just come back to my life.
And that was huge for me, and being around them,
(34:09):
it showed me like, wow, like they need someone like
me in their life, just a role model, someone to
show them like, you know, you're gonna have house. And
I was very vulnerable, very open with them expressing the
things that I've been through the last couple of years,
and it just they've changed so much, such beautiful young girls,
Like it was a blessing to actually be in that situation,
(34:31):
be in that position to pour back into the youth.
So that in itself was like because my mom was
my middle school coach and my high school coach. Wow,
So for me, it was a full circle moment where
it was just like wow, like I'm doing what she
was doing. It was beautiful because it really helped me
a lot. Like they thought I was helping them, but
they were helping me. Man, He'll do it every single time.
(34:54):
I needed that so so bad because.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
As you're helping them be all so healing young mayers.
That's that's the beauty other man. Listen, I have enjoyed
this conversation with you and and and enjoyed having you
in this healing community. And uh, just I'm I'm just
overjoyed because I've had an opportunity to work with you
(35:20):
and and to watch your journey and to watch you evolve,
and I just want to say, I'm so proud of
the proud of the the young woman that you're becoming.
I'm proud of the trail that you're blazing for young
women in basketball and just for young women in general.
They need more models, absolutely, and they need more women
(35:40):
that are willing to live within their true purpose and authentic, authentic,
authentic self, you know. And so I'm so excited that
you get to be that example for them and to
exhibit something outside of what they see, you know, on
a on a on a consistent basis you know with
social media. So I wish you much, much, much much
(36:05):
blessing on your journey and keep healing those young ladies.
As I know you will continue on your journey, so
thank you for joining me. Listen. This has been a
powerful episode and on grief and if you are in
need of grief therapy, I won't encourage you to seek
out grief therapy. If you lost a loved one, you
(36:29):
lost something. I don't think grief therapy should just be
associated with losing somebody. I think when something ends in
our life, it's okay to go sit down and talk
with somebody because when you come to the end of
a thing, there's much resolve that has to happen in
order for us to move to the next And as
(36:51):
we're in transition, I encourage you to continue on your
journey wherever you are. Some of you may be starting therapy,
some of you may be looking for community, but I
want to encourage you to continue your journey wherever you are,
and remember subscribe. If you are just coming into this
healing community, we would love to have you. And also
(37:12):
listen to the Just Heal with Doctor j on The
Black Effect and iHeart Network and anywhere you listen to podcasts.
New episodes drop every Tuesday, and you can also catch
these videos every Thursday dropping on the YouTube page. And remember,
healing is a journey and wholeness is the destination. And
(37:34):
until next time, keep healing. Just here with Doctor J,
a production of the Black Effect podcast Network. For more
podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you listen to your favorite shows. And you can
follow me at King J. Barnett on Instagram and x
and follow us on YouTube. Just Heal, Doctor J.
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