September 8, 2023 • 34 mins
Honey and Carolina discuss the different types of narcissists and what it means to have one in your life.
The ladies try out a new segment, “Dear Gabby”, with a special note to all those going through it in a difficult relationship.
And finally, it wouldn’t be Life in Spanglish with The Salon and this one is EXTRA spicy with a letter from an anonymous listener whose emotional cheating with an old high school classmate may ruin her 20 year relationship.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Honey German. My parents are Dominican. I was born
and raised in New York City. I love sneakers and
I'm a body positive advocate.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I'm Carolina Bermudez soy Nikota winced but I was born
and raised in Ohio. I'm a wife, a mama, and
a worker bee. This is life in Spanglish.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Buenos Dias, Carolina, and welcome to life in Spanglish. Is
for some reason, you've been under rock and you're just
finding us today. This is gonna be a good episode
and we're gonna put you onto something real real yummy.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Oh yeah, I yum. And Neil, if you just found us,
so thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Today we're going to talk about narcissists.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Oh Okay, that took a left turn. I thought. It's
like we're all welcoming, like, hey, everybody, come on in
for a warm hug.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Let's talk about n Yeah, let's talk about it because
my mom's been talking about it.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Narcissista. It's a tipo narcissista.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
And it's like a lot of people. It's not a
word that's commonly used, but it's a word that exists
in our life. You know, people have these trades. We
don't know what to call them. But today we're going
to break down on what a narcissist is. Okay, where
they live, and if they're in your.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Life, and how to avoid them. Well, that is a fact.
That's a true fact. Now I will say this, I
have two sisters and I'm not naming names, so anybody
can take this however they want. But one of my
sisters was actually married to a narcissist and I didn't
really get the true idea of the definition of it
until we went through. And I say we because as
(01:24):
a family, we all go through divorce, right, And so
I went through this process with the one sister who
I'm talking about, which, again I have two sisters, so
I can be talking about anybody. Yeah, but yes, I
think that this is something that you know many times
you can overlook the red flags, but then when the
narcissist is revealed, you're like.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Damn, and it's crazy because it's it's an actual disorder, Carolina.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
It's a personality trait. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Yeah, and it only affects one to two percent of
I guess people in this world, but boy, when it
affects you, it affects you.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Well, it's different. Okay, So there's two things that I
want to bring up before we discuss this.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Let's get it.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
You can have narcissistic traits, okay, but that doesn't necessarily
make you a true narcissist, because, like you mentioned, I
thought that number was really really startling. Only one to
two percent of the population is a true narcissist. So
you know, when you look at it from that perspective, like, yeah,
people can be going through some things, or they can
be in different phases of their lives where they're acting
(02:21):
like narcissists, but that doesn't make them a true narcissist.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
So that's all somewhere in this spect exactly. Like I
could be like that sometimes I guess ebbs and flows
of life. Yeah, when I'm really feeling myself, then i'd
be a narcissist from.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Well, I think that's just called confidence.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
So yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Yeah, so let's talk about it.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
So they're saying, you know, there's five things that you
could do to spot narcissists and protect yourself from them.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Well, because if you are going to be in a
relationship with a narcissist, and by the way, this doesn't
even have to be a romantic relationship. This could be
a work relationship, this could be I was gonna say,
this can be a familial relationship, this can be your friends.
Like narcissists don't just lurk in Relationlationships like that are romantic.
That's a fact.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
They could be anybody in your workspace, in your life,
anywhere you go. There's different ones. Do you have the
overt narcissists which copes by feeling superior to other people?
And you know they might be the first that you
think about when you think of narcissism.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Right, right, isn't that Like did you ever see that
movie what was it called? Christian Bale was in it?
Oh my gosh, and there was not American psycho. Everybody
said that like he was a narcissist, like that he
played being Pito me so well in that movie, and
that that was like a true narcissist like that, he
that he really went there. So yeah, Like basically, overt
(03:37):
narcissists are just they're putting it all out there.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
They're like I'm better than you, My life is better
than you, as my cars is better than yours. Like
they're just out there. They just want to be superior
to everyone. But then you have also the covert narcissists, okay,
tell me about it, which you know, they just feel
special by being seen as the person suffering the greatest
misfortune or misunderstanding.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Okay, okay, so they're the martyrs there you go down.
That's narcissists, Like nobody has a worse than me.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
I hate those, Carol, and I hate tho.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Well, no, you know what the thing is is people
that do that really drive me insane because I think
that everybody is going through something, right, Like you give
us great days, you're gonna have bad days, you know.
And it's like, just because you're feeling some pain doesn't
mean that, like my pain is any less than yours.
It doesn't invalidate it, right, right, So those are the
covert narcissists.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
They just want you to know they're going through it
at all times. Then you have the communal narcissists who
just feel special by be when they're seen as the
most helpful purpose in every group. And we have those,
you know, at work, we have those in our family.
They go above and beyond for everyone, right, they're just
the most helpful person ever to have existed in life.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Oh see, but I don't know that one strikes me
as odd because I think that that is kind of
like a selfless act to be so helpful to people.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Is it that they want the recognition, that's not the recognition.
They want to be seen as special.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
And hell oh okay, so then they want they want
the like they want the credit.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Hell yeah, they're like, oh, I'm I'm the go to person.
Any I solve every problem?
Speaker 2 (05:05):
Oh sorry, Siri, I don't know what I did. I
pressed it. Okay, sorry, sirih. Going to be here, sirih,
you narcissist.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Get out of here, Okay, sous eleven spanglish, I'm happy
to be here.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Yeah. So okay, So what I want to understand about
narcissists is like, how do they treat the people around them?
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Like?
Speaker 2 (05:21):
How and how do the people feel when they're around them?
Because I think that there's just kind of like and
again I'm speaking from the perspective of my sister's relationship.
You know, this person got to know her inner workings.
He did the research. He was digging deep so that
he knew her most vulnerable places. He was like and
at the beginning he used it for good, but then
(05:41):
in the end he turned it around and used it
for bad of course manipulation. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Now, let me ask you a question, because they say, no,
how you feel around you know, a person can help
you gauge at what level they are with the narcissism.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Did you right away with this ex.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Brother in law know and feel like wows of real narcisse.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
I called it from the beginning. I called it from
the very beginning. And by the way, both of my
sisters are divorced and both of their ex husbands. I said, uh, yeah,
I'm not feeling it. I don't know what it is
about me. It's a gut thing. Immediately when I met
both of these men, I was like, he's not.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
It, because you know what it is. Sometimes people that
are with a narcissist, they try to make excuses for them. Oh,
you're making any excuses for it for these guys. You
were seeing it as an outsider. You are seeing crystal
clear cutting right through the fog this mother.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Yeah. Yeah, but you know what the thing is though,
then you have to kind of understand that that's not
your life, and that your brothers and sisters are making
their own choices, or your friends even are making their
own choices. So yeah, you learn how to like kind
of like be the get along gang, like get along
with that person despite the fact that you know you
can see right through what they're doing and how manipulative
(06:54):
they are.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
But then that's a problem because you're not I don't
want to use the word validating their behavior. I guess
condoning it. It's like, yeah, I'm here, I'm doing everything.
It's all about me. It's all about me. Nobody's calling
me out.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
So the past me no, no, no, no, no, no,
not me, No I called it. I would I meet,
I would be like what I would be like, cut
the bullshit. I don't believe that, Like I'm sorry, you know.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
A hundred person awkward like calling out like one of
my sister's partners on their bullshit, Like I would be
like girl on the side, I would, but to their
face I probably wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Well, we had a conversation and I said him, I
know what you're doing, and I know that you're not
good for my sister, so let's just keep it all
the way real, like limit what you want to talk
to me about. I don't want you near my kids.
I don't want you near my husband, like I want
to leave it. I'm floored right now. Yeah, because it's like,
this is the thing that I've said to people. I
am nice until I'm not nice, and when you're fucking
with somebody that I love, I am not going to
(07:44):
be nice. So I'm gonna let you know. I will
I will smile, i will laugh, I will play along.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Did you pull them to the side or did you
do this in front of your sister?
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Pulled him to the side. And we had a little
conversation wow, a little pow wow, And I just said
I was like, I just want to lay it all
out there for you so there's no confusion. I am
not buying anything that you're selling. I see right through you.
But I have to like be around you because of
my sister, because we are a tight family, and I'm
not going to lose my sister because of you. So
(08:13):
here's how it's gonna go. You want to talk to me,
let's keep a surface. I don't need to know anything
any details about you. I don't want you knowing any
details about me and my family because I don't trust you,
period o. And that was and that was a tough
conversation to have but I think that, like I never
wanted and I did tell my sister that I was
having that conversation, and you told her absolutely. And I also,
(08:38):
I stand by who I am and what I believe in,
and I said, I will never forgive myself if this
person thinks that like I am duped, Like you don't
fool me.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
I love this, and I love the fact that you
know you went straight to him, you told him what's up.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Yeah, I'm not gonna whisper behind your back. I'm not
gonna be talking to my mom. I was just like,
I see you, you see me, like we are not cool,
but we can be cool in like these big family functions,
like don't try to talk to me like I don't
I have nothing to share with you. I love that,
But it's not like I'm not being nasty. I'm being
one hundred percent honest, and I don't want to build
a connection with somebody who is deceptive and that I
(09:12):
see as a deceptive and manipulative person.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
But you know, with us Latino sometimes it's like buen.
But one day you just said, that's it. I'm gonna
let him know how I feel.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Like she's my best friend and I need to be
around you in order to maintain that relationship. So let's
like call it what it is. Because she would invite
me over to their house and I never wanted to
go because he was there, and then I was just like, yes.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
It comfortable.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Super Oh no, that's that's got to end.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
When you feel uncomfortable to go to your own sister's
house or to be in her space, right, that relationship
has to end because your relationship with her is by
far more important, and it's been there before and it's
and it's thereafter. Right.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
But when you marry someone, though, that person takes precedence, right,
and that person in your life becomes your partn and
you know, you create your new family. And so that's
what a lot of people don't understand, you know. So
it's like at the end of the day, and my
sister was always going to choose him because they were married,
and I had to put myself in a position where
I was like, I would rather be a little bit
uncomfortable than not be with my sister, do you see
(10:17):
what I mean?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
And I've been there, trust me. My sister is divorced also, well,
she's married now again, and she was married to someone
that was just the epitome of a narcissist. It was
all about him. He was always right, he wanted to
be looked up to.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
He was all Okay, wait, we have to take a break,
but we got to talk about the mind games that
the narcissists play. And we're going to get into that
because some of you might be listening right now and
you may not even realize that you are with a
true narcissist. And we'll do that after the break, all right,
(10:51):
So we're back now. It's something that you said to me, Honey.
You were like so shocked because like, I know, I
feel like you know me, and you know that that's
like really not my personality, like to call somebody out
like that. But narcissists want you to question yourself. They
want you to be like is it me, Like is
this slighting?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Is that my approach? Is that the reason why he
you know, he doesn't like me or this? Or that?
They want to mind fuck.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
You like you're the one triggering the behavior.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Exactly, Like I wouldn't be this way if you didn't
talk to me that way. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:23):
And then you start thinking like maybe I should just
be nicer, I should talk a little bit lower. It
was to aggressive, But that's not the case at all.
That's their character, that's what they behave totally.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
You know, you were going to tell me about your
sister and like the mind games that her husband used
to put her through.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Oh yeah, it was just it was bad. It was
it was a marriage that just needed to end. You know,
she was and then what happened is she was a soft, humble, sweet,
nice person and then she peered herself up with someone
who was, you know, just overtly strong, you know, narcissistic
and you know, super alpha, and it just didn't work.
And I remember she always kind of just oh it's okay,
(11:58):
that's just the way he is. And eventually it just
had to end, Carolina, because it was just not a
good situation. It was toxic and it was not good
for her and it was not good for the kids.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Well see, but that's where the confusion with me. Lies.
It's like there are some people, like I said, who
have these strong personality traits, but also like you can't
change someone, so once you're married to them, it's like
you either have to accept it, find a way to
deal with it or move on, you know. And so
I think that some people get caught up in that,
you know, which is probably the reason why your sister
stayed married for as long as she did, you know,
(12:29):
because there's kids involved, there's all these other factors. So
it's like they're making excuses, you know, for the other
person's personality traits.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
And another thing with narcissis is they will make you
believe that they are special. They will mine f you
into believing like they are the best thing ever. They
are special. Oh it's just the way he talks. But
he's an amazing man, or she's an amazing woman. They
will just you know, just kind of like wrap you
up in this web.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
When in fact they're fraudulent. Always it's always a right.
It doesn't always come out that like the things that
they said, that's not really how it went. Like, you know,
their background, maybe their occupation, they're.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Like all getting all of they served in the military,
but never served in the military.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Yep, that's it. And you know what the thing about
narcissist is that there, from my perspective, there is no
balance in the relationship. It was all ways about this
other person. You know, my sister, her needs all of
the things that like she needed in order to like
you know, be successful and do all like with her
(13:32):
career path and with her children and all of that.
Like that was never something that was placed of importance.
It was always like, oh, well, this is more important
because he has to do this or that, you know
what I mean?
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Yeah, no for sure. And then what is probably was
killing her was that a lot of narcissists don't have empathy.
They have what's called empathy impairments. So it's like if
something was going wrong with her, he.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
They don't feel it. He doesn't feel no. No, Like
when I see somebody crying, my heart immediately breaks. So
I'm like, oh my gosh, are you okay? Like I
never want to see anybody upset. But they don't have that.
It's almost like they're missing a chip, you know.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
And people are over here suffering, they have needs, but
you're a narcissist, you don't even feel it. And you
know what, if you're dealing with someone like this, I
want you to understand it is not your fault. This
is this person's character. They have you wrapped up in
their web, and this is who they are, and they
are going to exploit you. They are going to put
forth this sense of entitlement and your feelings are not
(14:28):
going to matter right right.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
Well, you know, something that's funny about like we pulled
this article that talks about narcissists and like how to
deal with them and stuff, you know. And it's interesting
to me because I mentioned this earlier. My sister shared
all of her vulnerabilities with this person, like, you know,
and this is in a relationship. And I've said this
many times, you know, Mark and I my husband Mark Wristman.
(14:51):
I always use his last name. We have gotten it
through couple's therapy many different times in our relationship, you know.
And one of the things that our therapists it's like,
you don't have a true relationship until you can be
vulnerable with each other. That means that not just one
person shares, you know, what their weaknesses are or how
they're feeling. The other person has to open up and
share that. And I think that that was critical in
(15:12):
our relationship, you know, because for a long time he
was just like he's not a very vocal or emotional person.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Kind of like close off a little bit.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
But yeah, but that's not like how he was raised.
But then it's like you have to like coach somebody
or like you know, work with them to get to
that place with this other relationship. What I've seen with
other people who are relationships with with narcissists is they
take those vulnerabilities that you share with them and then
they weaponize them.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
That is their go to as soon as there is
a problem, time to open up that little envelope and
see what you shared and what your vulnerabilities are, and
it's time to exploit them.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
And that's not truly what a person who loves you
would do.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
That's a major red flag right there. If you're in
a relationship with someone and then something you confided and
shared on them like this day.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
They turned it around and they try to like no.
And that's what I think is just so unfortunate about this,
because it's true, like a relationship can only grow if
you are honest with each other. And if you say
those things, you know what I mean. So then you
know what a normal person would do is be like,
oh wow, like she gets really triggered if I talk
about whatever it is daffodils. Okay, I don't know. A
(16:19):
narcissist would bring you home a bouquet of daffodils.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Oh, of course, right, because they want to see that reaction.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Yes, it's sick, it's a little sick, it's a little twisted.
I gotta be honest with you a little little bit,
you know, But there is no balance there. And that's
what I wanted to touch on too.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
And I feel like it's hard sometimes to spot a
narcissist because you might see them as like, oh my god,
this guy is so liked or this woman is just,
you know, like the most helpful person in the room.
Everybody loves them, but you're not understanding that what's going
on here is just a psychological thing that they're putting for.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
That's absolutely true. But now should we talk about the
three ease? Because I think this is like, let's talk
about so telling. So this psychologist who was studying narcissists
said that in order to like nurture close relationships, you
have to be aware of the three ease. Okay, So
the three's start with exploitation, which is doing whatever it takes,
(17:16):
no matter the cost to others, in order to feel special.
They only want to make themselves feel special.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
So I gotta do what I gotta do.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
I gotta do what. I gotta leave you on the corner, honey, sorry,
because I need to feel special because I'm I need
to go to this club because that's where people know
me and that's where I get the validation that I
think I deserve. So that's number one. Number two of
the three e's is entitlement. They act as if the
world should bend to their will. Now you know, that's
(17:46):
that's the thing. Like my mom used to say, like,
you know, there's somebody that we know when we were
growing up and they and she would say like she
would say that that the mom would treat her baby
like he was like baby Jesus, you know what I mean.
And so it's like, no, there are times where like
you are not the most important person in the room.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
You got to be able to take that and that's
a fact. And I'm not bending for no one. I'm sorry.
And the world does not revolve around you. That's a
line that we use a lot in my house. The
world don't revolve around you because they we have those
people that it's just like they expect everybody to just
do what they want in order for them to feel validated,
special and superior.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
In case nobody told you today your special, so now
the last one you touched on it earlier. But I
think it's important to bring back up. And that's the
empathy impairment, and that's their inability. You know, they want
to feel special compared to others, and they lose sight
of the fact that other people have feelings and their
perspectives of their own. So you know, it's like, I'm gonna,
(18:43):
I'm gonna just like railroad your feelings because that's not
important to me. It's important for me to feel special
and see and validated.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
You know, steam roll right over everybody in your life.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
It's crazy. But when we come back from the break,
I do want to talk to people because it's hard.
You know, when you've been in a relationship like this,
you can beat yourself up about the falling into the trap.
And I think that there are so many people who
have had relationships like this who have to be kind
to themselves. So we're going to talk about that after
the break. So honey, you know they say like a
(19:19):
leopard doesn't change its spots, some real easy phrase. You
know that people all understand, and that's the whole issue.
I think for people who have been in relationships with narcissists.
They feel like I should have known. I should have
seen this earlier.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Of course, cause that's the first thing you do, is
you beat yourself up. Isn't that what we do in life,
no matter what I know?
Speaker 2 (19:38):
But you have to give yourself a break. And this
is this is what I've spoken about with my friends
and my sister who have been through this type of
a situation. I'm like, you've got to give yourself a break.
You are a human being, You're not a fortune teller.
You don't know it all and listen, like this could
have just been a period of time where somebody was
just showing these narses, but like then we found out
(20:00):
that he is who he is, you know what I mean.
And by the way, it's not just men. There are
plenty of women.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Who are taking from our experience.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
For sure, for sure. But I want to point that
out because I don't want this to sound like we're
just like man bashing the entire time.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
You know, not at all, but you know, dealing with
someone you know who's a narcissist, that can be so taxing,
emotionally draining, And I want you know, if you're listening
and you're dealing with someone. I want you to know
that you're not alone in this journey. There are a
lot of people going through the same thing.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, we've all encountered it. And so now, honey, you
told me that you had a letter from somebody who
is actually in a relationship like this. All right, So
next up, we're gonna do it. We're going to do
an exercise. Let's do an exercise. You and I, let's
do it. Yeah. Now, I remember when you were younger,
there was dear Abby.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Oh my god, I want to do that forever. I've
wanted to do dear Honey.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
No, we're going to do dear Gabby because Gabby, you know, like,
let's do it. Let's do it. Put him out, Okay. So,
dear Gabby, we know that you are going through it.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
And we want you to remember that you feelings are valid.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
And we want you to know that you are seen
and heard.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
And we know it's not easy to interact with someone
who you know consistently displays self centeredness and lacks empathy
for others.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
But you have to understand that you are worthy. Your
emotions and your experience.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
They matter, and it's very important for you to prioritize
your well being throughout this process.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
And you also have to acknowledge the fact that you
have come a long way. You have dealt with a
narcissist for many, many years potentially, and that in itself
is something to be proud of that you made it through.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
That is a fact because you know dealing from the
effects of having you know, been with a narcissist takes time,
and you know this journey's going to have ups and downs,
but you have the strength and you can persevere and
you can be stronger and come out of better person
on the other side.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
And remember not everybody out there in the world is
like this. You will find your happiness.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
If you ever need someone to talk to, Me and
Carolina are here, you can dm us. Don't hesitate to
reach out, and just know that you deserve to live
your life, you know, free from negativity and toxicity.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
And if there are any friends or family members who
are putting you down or who are making you feel worse,
take a break, make sure that you rebuild your life
and rebuild yourself. Because you've made it this far.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
We believe in your ability to overcome this challenging situation.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
And we want to send you nothing but love.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
We're sending you strength, We're sending you courage, and we're
sending you mucho, mucho mucho amra.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Oh my god, that was beautiful.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
You're ready actus off the cuff, by the way, I
feel like we're ready to take this on the road.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
I think I think that we like actually like we
need a license now, like we we've definitely like we've
helped people. This is life coaching, right, we just did
right now, this is life coaching. We did that. No,
I love that. No, so I hope that if you
are going through that, that this was helpful and that
you can find your way through it. But now I
do want to take people to the salon, honey, because salon.
I want to know the real salon, because fine, there's
(23:00):
a great so much fun with that. But no, that
was great. No, but I do want to go to
the real salon because I know last week when we
had Rita here lit pack, we had CC who was
going through some stuff. But then now I know you
have another letter that you got in your DMS that
I wanted you to read because I you know, I
always love trying to help people, and like we always say,
(23:20):
we don't know if we help you, but we try,
all right.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
This one comes from anonymous Oh okay, let's call her
our Pridma.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Okay, well, she.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
Says, miss Amigas, this is bad. I've been in a
relationship for almost twenty years with my man Jose. Relationship.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Okay, well, no, she says.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
They're married, they have kids, you name it.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
She says.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
My man is a ride or die, or so I thought.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
She says it all started with a high school reunion
five months ago, and now I am reconnected with someone
from my past. We now secretly DM every day. He
sends me good morning messages. He's asking me out on dates.
I feel like my mind is telling me that this
is wrong, but it just feels so right. She says,
we haven't done anything physical, but the emotional cheating is
(24:06):
eating me away from the inside. I want to tell
my husband, but I know it will crush him and
my family.
Speaker 2 (24:14):
Please help. What should I do? Okay? She's emotionally cheating, Carolina. Okay,
not the twenty year reunion that just did you all in. Okay,
you've been with Jose for twenty years. That is an achievement,
not everybody gets to last that long in a relationship.
(24:35):
And because you felt a spark. And by the way,
I don't want you to feel like I'm coming down
on you, and I don't want you to take this,
you know, in a bad way. But I'm going to
keep it real with you, just like I kept it
real with my sister's ex narcissist husband. Okay, emotional cheating
is cheating, And that's my opinion, Karlina. Somebody is if
(24:56):
somebody is sending my husband good morning messages, that ain't right,
and you have to put the shoe on the other
foot and think about how hurtful and how damaging this
would be if you were going through it on the
other end. Oh God, honey does not believe the same thing.
She's dying right now. See for me, I don't. I
don't appreciate you stuff like that. I always say, like
(25:18):
all of my messages, everything like, if they were to
come to light, there would be no issue, no issue,
because I never want anybody to think that they're more
important than my husband. But the fact that your gut
is telling you that this is not right, I would
listen to your gut because I don't believe it's right,
you're gonna give it all up for this one person.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
I wouldn't tell. I'm not telling a damn thing, Carolynina.
I ain't see it as man in person.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
We would just DM and memes and bullshit. You know,
but wait, but why? But why? Because you're clearly missing something.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
You always Carolyn. After twenty years, you're gonna miss something.
You're gonna miss that newness, You're gonna miss the spark.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
Okay, but then you don't get to have the twenty years.
Then things get you don't get to keep that. No, no, no, no,
it's not fair. That's not fair to Jose. I am
team Jose, team Jose, because you know what it is.
Here's this guy, which hopefully he isn't doing the same thing.
That's the other point, you know, I just.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Don't think it's like dming and you know, just flirty
text is worthy throwing away your marriage and your family.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
It's deceptive. It needs to stop. I'm serious, I am
not joking, like I am. So girl sent me a pitch.
I want to see how he looks. You stop it
right now. You're encouraging it after twenty years and listen, like, yes,
I do get it. There are certain times in our
lives where we want to feel that like ill, I'm
still exactly And that's why I'm saying after not the
twenty year reunion, because you know, you go back and
(26:37):
everybody's checking each other out, and like what's in the
past is in the past, and.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
That's weird that she well, like, I guess people feel
safe reconnecting with like old people, like for sure, Oh
this was my first from high school.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
Oh my gosh, should I tell you about my friend
who ended up like going back with a guy from
high school and then it ended up that he was
having like three different relationships behind her back because she
trusted him, she let down her guard. Narcissists are out there.
They're praying on you. You went to high school with you, right,
but you don't know them. There has been a long
period of time between when you went to high school
to who they are now and who you are to
(27:11):
know these people. I don't know these p I don't
want to know these people. I don't want to know you.
If that's this is what you're doing, could rising rising? Whatever?
People say, no, no go to bed, no.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Care, no, only my two boys get to call me Mommy,
don't be a media for real.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
No, I'm serious. So you know what this is. This
is a situation where you really really have to have
a long, hard talk with yourself and decide with the
husband stop. No, no, no, no, no no. I think this
is something that you either you come to the conclusion
that your relationship isn't where it needs to be and
you go work on it, or you come to the
(27:50):
conclusion that you want to be single and you want
to pursue this thing, but you do it the right way.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
I don't think she wants to pursue it. I think
she just wants to get that little tingly feeling, you know,
no tingles. I'm telling you because that's where it all
starts to.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
Well we haven't been physical yet, then we're gonna find
you in a parking lot, in the back of a car,
you know, heating up all the windows. No, it's not okay,
I'm sorry, I'm yelling anonymous.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Listen, just cut the bullshit. Okay, Yes, try to get
things spicy with your man. There, you go, tell him
you like these, you know, good morning messages that when
he's working back sadness in you. But don't tell your
man don't crush your family. Don't crush your kids, especially
if you ain't give it up to that man.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
No, and honestly, like you know, don't be like Usher
in the Confessions album. Seriously you got another girl pregnant.
It was like, this is all kinds of messiness, Like
you don't want to be that girl. Mm mmm mmm mmmmm.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Anonymous, you had your phone, girl, put the phone down,
block him, tell him you know this ain't right. Go
back to your kids, go back to your husband, and
you know what, just go on TikTok. There's plenty five
men on TikTok you can look at.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
And live and learn, you know what I mean, Like,
don't open up that space to anybody. That's that's the
reason why I say, like there was only one person
who gets to go there with me, and that's my husband.
I love Carolina, She's so good. I am so passionate
about this subject. No for real, because it's just like
I would never, ever, ever, if my husband ever did
that to me, it would be the most hurtful thing
because it's like that's that is it. I would be
(29:19):
so upset that, like he didn't value my feelings and
our relationships, so there you have it. I'm sorry. I was.
I got a little, I got a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
I know.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
I love how you say my husband did that to
me because I've been there. Oh really stop now, and
he says I always drag him and the people are
gonna hate him. But it was weird.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
It was one of his friends gave like an old
classmate like his number, but I it was somebody he dated. Why, Well,
first of all, that's a problem. That's what she was
asking me, how you are? So I gave her your
phone number?
Speaker 2 (29:54):
But that's not a friend to you. Now I'm pissed.
That's okay. Well I never really fucked with him like that. Yeah,
do we cancel him?
Speaker 1 (30:01):
He'd been canceling okay, But anyway, but I saw the messages.
It was weird because he left the phone open and
it was playing like a like a video or something,
so the phone didn't lock. As soon as that man
went down, I jumped for that phone. I checked for
any messages with attachment. I was like, boom, did is?
Oh wait?
Speaker 2 (30:17):
I wouldn't even know how to do that. Wait, what
messages with attachment?
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Yeah, like like somebody sending stuff? Like who's sending stuff?
And then I found. First, I found the name and
I was like, this name looks very weird. Then I
went in it.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
No, no, no, it wasn't message.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
What I did was I found names that looked weird,
and then I didn't look at the conversation because he
was gonna come run back. I looked at the attachments.
Boom boom boom boom boom, picture, picture picture, Why are
you sending your kids? Why are you sending yourself? So
I think it's like a thing for like high school
people to then try to like, oh look at me,
or look at this.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
So look at that.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
And I nipped that shir in the buttet.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
I was gonna say, how did you feel when you
discovered it. I finished getting dressed.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
I was like, this is different. I was like if
I go, because if I while out, then it's a problem.
Everything's gonna get broken. You know, I'm a violent person.
When I get angry.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
He broke the windows out his car.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
So I was like, nah, I'm going to finish getting dressed.
I was like, okay, I see you. We connected with
somewhe from your past.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
No problem, stop it.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
I got dressed, I went to work and I didn't
come home for three days.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
And then when he was calling you and asking where
are you? What's going on?
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Turn my phone on?
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Stop it turned my phone. This is a whole novent Outwait,
so what happened? I mean that's how we.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Yeah, I remember, like I had a friend who used
to manage a hotel Manhaannah just did different a couple
of days. I was like, let me just digest everything,
let me think everything through. And it's funny because I
didn't read the messages. I just saw the pictures. No,
and you know, I didn't feel good. I'll tell you
that much. So you know what, Anonymous, maybe stop doing
this to whole say it because I've been there and
it didn't feel good.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
But you know what, I figured it out. Well, that's
what I'm saying. So the advice that I gave to
her was like, if this you have to like either
take a stand you either work on your relationship and
you're a testament that you can work through it and
you can get over it, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Like that, it wasn't anything bad, but it was just like,
why are you reconnecting with someone from you?
Speaker 2 (32:03):
That's my point.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
It doesn't what's up with the marriage, Like why do
you need to talk to somebody?
Speaker 2 (32:07):
Do you get to see her kids? Unless it's on
Facebook and it pops up in your feet like that,
then it's an accident. Then it's not like you pursuing
it or looking for it. Do you understand what I mean?
Like that? That to me is innocent and I would
never like I listen, guys are going to look, They're
going to see and that's you can't prevent that. But
what you can prevent is letting them know I am
(32:27):
not okay with you talking to this and that and
you know everybody else behind my back, because if it
was okay, he would do it in front of you
and you would tell me you guys reached Joanna or
like you know, Johay.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Deceitfulness ye because it was concealed.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
That's my If there's nothing wrong with it, there doesn't
need to be a.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
Secial Like if I wouldn't have found it, they probably
would have reconnected, they would have met up, and god
knows they would have had some old sex or some
shitt That's.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
What I'm saying. That's where it can go. Do you
know that? And I know we have to go, but
do you know that I've been going back and forth
to LA for een years and hosting and doing all
this stuff. And my mentor, Eric lives out in LA.
We've never been in a relationship. He's treated me like
a little sister my entire life. He has guided my career.
He's one of my most trusted friends and I adore him.
(33:17):
My husband knows that.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
Do you know that?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
He said, Hey, let's meet for lunch this time before,
if you have time before you go to the studio.
I said to Mark. I was like, hey, I was like,
Eric wants to have lunch, you know, and he's like, okay, cool,
like he knows. But I felt like it was important
for me to say to him because of my level
of respect for him that, you know, like I was
if I posted a picture on social media. Mark's not
on social but what if one of his friends said, oh,
(33:40):
I saw your girl was out with this guy in LA,
Like I never hear it, like b eactly. That's why
I say, it's like, you never have to hide the
things if it's there's nothing going on. So, and we've
gone on way too long. We love you, and honestly,
I hope you still follow me. Don't block me, don't
unfollow or don't mute me and hopefully we've helped you
(34:02):
with your situation. We goha, yeah, we do definitely, and
now don't forget guys to follow us at l I
Spanglish and I'm at the Real Carolina.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
I Am Honey Jereman. Make sure you like and subscribe,
and thanks for rocking with.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Us, and as always, if you listen to us, please
please listen to us on the free iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
If you can every time. Lifense Banglish is a production
of Life Pence Banguished Productions in partnership with Iheart's micing
through that podcast network
I'm Honey German. My parents are Dominican. I was born
and raised in New York City. I love sneakers and
I'm a body positive advocate.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I'm Carolina Bermudez soy Nikota winced but I was born
and raised in Ohio. I'm a wife, a mama, and
a worker bee. This is life in Spanglish.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Buenos Dias, Carolina, and welcome to life in Spanglish. Is
for some reason, you've been under rock and you're just
finding us today. This is gonna be a good episode
and we're gonna put you onto something real real yummy.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Oh yeah, I yum. And Neil, if you just found us,
so thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Today we're going to talk about narcissists.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Oh Okay, that took a left turn. I thought. It's
like we're all welcoming, like, hey, everybody, come on in
for a warm hug.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Let's talk about n Yeah, let's talk about it because
my mom's been talking about it.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Narcissista. It's a tipo narcissista.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
And it's like a lot of people. It's not a
word that's commonly used, but it's a word that exists
in our life. You know, people have these trades. We
don't know what to call them. But today we're going
to break down on what a narcissist is. Okay, where
they live, and if they're in your.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Life, and how to avoid them. Well, that is a fact.
That's a true fact. Now I will say this, I
have two sisters and I'm not naming names, so anybody
can take this however they want. But one of my
sisters was actually married to a narcissist and I didn't
really get the true idea of the definition of it
until we went through. And I say we because as
(01:24):
a family, we all go through divorce, right, And so
I went through this process with the one sister who
I'm talking about, which, again I have two sisters, so
I can be talking about anybody. Yeah, but yes, I
think that this is something that you know many times
you can overlook the red flags, but then when the
narcissist is revealed, you're like.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Damn, and it's crazy because it's it's an actual disorder, Carolina.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
It's a personality trait. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Yeah, and it only affects one to two percent of
I guess people in this world, but boy, when it
affects you, it affects you.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Well, it's different. Okay, So there's two things that I
want to bring up before we discuss this.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Let's get it.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
You can have narcissistic traits, okay, but that doesn't necessarily
make you a true narcissist, because, like you mentioned, I
thought that number was really really startling. Only one to
two percent of the population is a true narcissist. So
you know, when you look at it from that perspective, like, yeah,
people can be going through some things, or they can
be in different phases of their lives where they're acting
(02:21):
like narcissists, but that doesn't make them a true narcissist.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
So that's all somewhere in this spect exactly. Like I
could be like that sometimes I guess ebbs and flows
of life. Yeah, when I'm really feeling myself, then i'd
be a narcissist from.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Well, I think that's just called confidence.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
So yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Yeah, so let's talk about it.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
So they're saying, you know, there's five things that you
could do to spot narcissists and protect yourself from them.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Well, because if you are going to be in a
relationship with a narcissist, and by the way, this doesn't
even have to be a romantic relationship. This could be
a work relationship, this could be I was gonna say,
this can be a familial relationship, this can be your friends.
Like narcissists don't just lurk in Relationlationships like that are romantic.
That's a fact.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
They could be anybody in your workspace, in your life,
anywhere you go. There's different ones. Do you have the
overt narcissists which copes by feeling superior to other people?
And you know they might be the first that you
think about when you think of narcissism.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Right, right, isn't that Like did you ever see that
movie what was it called? Christian Bale was in it?
Oh my gosh, and there was not American psycho. Everybody
said that like he was a narcissist, like that he
played being Pito me so well in that movie, and
that that was like a true narcissist like that, he
that he really went there. So yeah, Like basically, overt
(03:37):
narcissists are just they're putting it all out there.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
They're like I'm better than you, My life is better
than you, as my cars is better than yours. Like
they're just out there. They just want to be superior
to everyone. But then you have also the covert narcissists, okay,
tell me about it, which you know, they just feel
special by being seen as the person suffering the greatest
misfortune or misunderstanding.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Okay, okay, so they're the martyrs there you go down.
That's narcissists, Like nobody has a worse than me.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
I hate those, Carol, and I hate tho.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Well, no, you know what the thing is is people
that do that really drive me insane because I think
that everybody is going through something, right, Like you give
us great days, you're gonna have bad days, you know.
And it's like, just because you're feeling some pain doesn't
mean that, like my pain is any less than yours.
It doesn't invalidate it, right, right, So those are the
covert narcissists.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
They just want you to know they're going through it
at all times. Then you have the communal narcissists who
just feel special by be when they're seen as the
most helpful purpose in every group. And we have those,
you know, at work, we have those in our family.
They go above and beyond for everyone, right, they're just
the most helpful person ever to have existed in life.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Oh see, but I don't know that one strikes me
as odd because I think that that is kind of
like a selfless act to be so helpful to people.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Is it that they want the recognition, that's not the recognition.
They want to be seen as special.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
And hell oh okay, so then they want they want
the like they want the credit.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Hell yeah, they're like, oh, I'm I'm the go to person.
Any I solve every problem?
Speaker 2 (05:05):
Oh sorry, Siri, I don't know what I did. I
pressed it. Okay, sorry, sirih. Going to be here, sirih,
you narcissist.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Get out of here, Okay, sous eleven spanglish, I'm happy
to be here.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Yeah. So okay, So what I want to understand about
narcissists is like, how do they treat the people around them?
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Like?
Speaker 2 (05:21):
How and how do the people feel when they're around them?
Because I think that there's just kind of like and
again I'm speaking from the perspective of my sister's relationship.
You know, this person got to know her inner workings.
He did the research. He was digging deep so that
he knew her most vulnerable places. He was like and
at the beginning he used it for good, but then
(05:41):
in the end he turned it around and used it
for bad of course manipulation. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Now, let me ask you a question, because they say, no,
how you feel around you know, a person can help
you gauge at what level they are with the narcissism.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Did you right away with this ex.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Brother in law know and feel like wows of real narcisse.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
I called it from the beginning. I called it from
the very beginning. And by the way, both of my
sisters are divorced and both of their ex husbands. I said, uh, yeah,
I'm not feeling it. I don't know what it is
about me. It's a gut thing. Immediately when I met
both of these men, I was like, he's not.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
It, because you know what it is. Sometimes people that
are with a narcissist, they try to make excuses for them. Oh,
you're making any excuses for it for these guys. You
were seeing it as an outsider. You are seeing crystal
clear cutting right through the fog this mother.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Yeah. Yeah, but you know what the thing is though,
then you have to kind of understand that that's not
your life, and that your brothers and sisters are making
their own choices, or your friends even are making their
own choices. So yeah, you learn how to like kind
of like be the get along gang, like get along
with that person despite the fact that you know you
can see right through what they're doing and how manipulative
(06:54):
they are.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
But then that's a problem because you're not I don't
want to use the word validating their behavior. I guess
condoning it. It's like, yeah, I'm here, I'm doing everything.
It's all about me. It's all about me. Nobody's calling
me out.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
So the past me no, no, no, no, no, no,
not me, No I called it. I would I meet,
I would be like what I would be like, cut
the bullshit. I don't believe that, Like I'm sorry, you know.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
A hundred person awkward like calling out like one of
my sister's partners on their bullshit, Like I would be
like girl on the side, I would, but to their
face I probably wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Well, we had a conversation and I said him, I
know what you're doing, and I know that you're not
good for my sister, so let's just keep it all
the way real, like limit what you want to talk
to me about. I don't want you near my kids.
I don't want you near my husband, like I want
to leave it. I'm floored right now. Yeah, because it's like,
this is the thing that I've said to people. I
am nice until I'm not nice, and when you're fucking
with somebody that I love, I am not going to
(07:44):
be nice. So I'm gonna let you know. I will
I will smile, i will laugh, I will play along.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Did you pull them to the side or did you
do this in front of your sister?
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Pulled him to the side. And we had a little
conversation wow, a little pow wow, And I just said
I was like, I just want to lay it all
out there for you so there's no confusion. I am
not buying anything that you're selling. I see right through you.
But I have to like be around you because of
my sister, because we are a tight family, and I'm
not going to lose my sister because of you. So
(08:13):
here's how it's gonna go. You want to talk to me,
let's keep a surface. I don't need to know anything
any details about you. I don't want you knowing any
details about me and my family because I don't trust you,
period o. And that was and that was a tough
conversation to have but I think that, like I never
wanted and I did tell my sister that I was
having that conversation, and you told her absolutely. And I also,
(08:38):
I stand by who I am and what I believe in,
and I said, I will never forgive myself if this
person thinks that like I am duped, Like you don't
fool me.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
I love this, and I love the fact that you
know you went straight to him, you told him what's up.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Yeah, I'm not gonna whisper behind your back. I'm not
gonna be talking to my mom. I was just like,
I see you, you see me, like we are not cool,
but we can be cool in like these big family functions,
like don't try to talk to me like I don't
I have nothing to share with you. I love that,
But it's not like I'm not being nasty. I'm being
one hundred percent honest, and I don't want to build
a connection with somebody who is deceptive and that I
(09:12):
see as a deceptive and manipulative person.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
But you know, with us Latino sometimes it's like buen.
But one day you just said, that's it. I'm gonna
let him know how I feel.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Like she's my best friend and I need to be
around you in order to maintain that relationship. So let's
like call it what it is. Because she would invite
me over to their house and I never wanted to
go because he was there, and then I was just like, yes.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
It comfortable.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Super Oh no, that's that's got to end.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
When you feel uncomfortable to go to your own sister's
house or to be in her space, right, that relationship
has to end because your relationship with her is by
far more important, and it's been there before and it's
and it's thereafter. Right.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
But when you marry someone, though, that person takes precedence, right,
and that person in your life becomes your partn and
you know, you create your new family. And so that's
what a lot of people don't understand, you know. So
it's like at the end of the day, and my
sister was always going to choose him because they were married,
and I had to put myself in a position where
I was like, I would rather be a little bit
uncomfortable than not be with my sister, do you see
(10:17):
what I mean?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
And I've been there, trust me. My sister is divorced also, well,
she's married now again, and she was married to someone
that was just the epitome of a narcissist. It was
all about him. He was always right, he wanted to
be looked up to.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
He was all Okay, wait, we have to take a break,
but we got to talk about the mind games that
the narcissists play. And we're going to get into that
because some of you might be listening right now and
you may not even realize that you are with a
true narcissist. And we'll do that after the break, all right,
(10:51):
So we're back now. It's something that you said to me, Honey.
You were like so shocked because like, I know, I
feel like you know me, and you know that that's
like really not my personality, like to call somebody out
like that. But narcissists want you to question yourself. They
want you to be like is it me, Like is
this slighting?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Is that my approach? Is that the reason why he
you know, he doesn't like me or this? Or that?
They want to mind fuck.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
You like you're the one triggering the behavior.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Exactly, Like I wouldn't be this way if you didn't
talk to me that way. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:23):
And then you start thinking like maybe I should just
be nicer, I should talk a little bit lower. It
was to aggressive, But that's not the case at all.
That's their character, that's what they behave totally.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
You know, you were going to tell me about your
sister and like the mind games that her husband used
to put her through.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Oh yeah, it was just it was bad. It was
it was a marriage that just needed to end. You know,
she was and then what happened is she was a soft, humble, sweet,
nice person and then she peered herself up with someone
who was, you know, just overtly strong, you know, narcissistic
and you know, super alpha, and it just didn't work.
And I remember she always kind of just oh it's okay,
(11:58):
that's just the way he is. And eventually it just
had to end, Carolina, because it was just not a
good situation. It was toxic and it was not good
for her and it was not good for the kids.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Well see, but that's where the confusion with me. Lies.
It's like there are some people, like I said, who
have these strong personality traits, but also like you can't
change someone, so once you're married to them, it's like
you either have to accept it, find a way to
deal with it or move on, you know. And so
I think that some people get caught up in that,
you know, which is probably the reason why your sister
stayed married for as long as she did, you know,
(12:29):
because there's kids involved, there's all these other factors. So
it's like they're making excuses, you know, for the other
person's personality traits.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
And another thing with narcissis is they will make you
believe that they are special. They will mine f you
into believing like they are the best thing ever. They
are special. Oh it's just the way he talks. But
he's an amazing man, or she's an amazing woman. They
will just you know, just kind of like wrap you
up in this web.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
When in fact they're fraudulent. Always it's always a right.
It doesn't always come out that like the things that
they said, that's not really how it went. Like, you know,
their background, maybe their occupation, they're.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Like all getting all of they served in the military,
but never served in the military.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Yep, that's it. And you know what the thing about
narcissist is that there, from my perspective, there is no
balance in the relationship. It was all ways about this
other person. You know, my sister, her needs all of
the things that like she needed in order to like
you know, be successful and do all like with her
(13:32):
career path and with her children and all of that.
Like that was never something that was placed of importance.
It was always like, oh, well, this is more important
because he has to do this or that, you know
what I mean?
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Yeah, no for sure. And then what is probably was
killing her was that a lot of narcissists don't have empathy.
They have what's called empathy impairments. So it's like if
something was going wrong with her, he.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
They don't feel it. He doesn't feel no. No, Like
when I see somebody crying, my heart immediately breaks. So
I'm like, oh my gosh, are you okay? Like I
never want to see anybody upset. But they don't have that.
It's almost like they're missing a chip, you know.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
And people are over here suffering, they have needs, but
you're a narcissist, you don't even feel it. And you
know what, if you're dealing with someone like this, I
want you to understand it is not your fault. This
is this person's character. They have you wrapped up in
their web, and this is who they are, and they
are going to exploit you. They are going to put
forth this sense of entitlement and your feelings are not
(14:28):
going to matter right right.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
Well, you know, something that's funny about like we pulled
this article that talks about narcissists and like how to
deal with them and stuff, you know. And it's interesting
to me because I mentioned this earlier. My sister shared
all of her vulnerabilities with this person, like, you know,
and this is in a relationship. And I've said this
many times, you know, Mark and I my husband Mark Wristman.
(14:51):
I always use his last name. We have gotten it
through couple's therapy many different times in our relationship, you know.
And one of the things that our therapists it's like,
you don't have a true relationship until you can be
vulnerable with each other. That means that not just one
person shares, you know, what their weaknesses are or how
they're feeling. The other person has to open up and
share that. And I think that that was critical in
(15:12):
our relationship, you know, because for a long time he
was just like he's not a very vocal or emotional person.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Kind of like close off a little bit.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
But yeah, but that's not like how he was raised.
But then it's like you have to like coach somebody
or like you know, work with them to get to
that place with this other relationship. What I've seen with
other people who are relationships with with narcissists is they
take those vulnerabilities that you share with them and then
they weaponize them.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
That is their go to as soon as there is
a problem, time to open up that little envelope and
see what you shared and what your vulnerabilities are, and
it's time to exploit them.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
And that's not truly what a person who loves you
would do.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
That's a major red flag right there. If you're in
a relationship with someone and then something you confided and
shared on them like this day.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
They turned it around and they try to like no.
And that's what I think is just so unfortunate about this,
because it's true, like a relationship can only grow if
you are honest with each other. And if you say
those things, you know what I mean. So then you
know what a normal person would do is be like,
oh wow, like she gets really triggered if I talk
about whatever it is daffodils. Okay, I don't know. A
(16:19):
narcissist would bring you home a bouquet of daffodils.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Oh, of course, right, because they want to see that reaction.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Yes, it's sick, it's a little sick, it's a little twisted.
I gotta be honest with you a little little bit,
you know, But there is no balance there. And that's
what I wanted to touch on too.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
And I feel like it's hard sometimes to spot a
narcissist because you might see them as like, oh my god,
this guy is so liked or this woman is just,
you know, like the most helpful person in the room.
Everybody loves them, but you're not understanding that what's going
on here is just a psychological thing that they're putting for.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
That's absolutely true. But now should we talk about the
three ease? Because I think this is like, let's talk
about so telling. So this psychologist who was studying narcissists
said that in order to like nurture close relationships, you
have to be aware of the three ease. Okay, So
the three's start with exploitation, which is doing whatever it takes,
(17:16):
no matter the cost to others, in order to feel special.
They only want to make themselves feel special.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
So I gotta do what I gotta do.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
I gotta do what. I gotta leave you on the corner, honey, sorry,
because I need to feel special because I'm I need
to go to this club because that's where people know
me and that's where I get the validation that I
think I deserve. So that's number one. Number two of
the three e's is entitlement. They act as if the
world should bend to their will. Now you know, that's
(17:46):
that's the thing. Like my mom used to say, like,
you know, there's somebody that we know when we were
growing up and they and she would say like she
would say that that the mom would treat her baby
like he was like baby Jesus, you know what I mean.
And so it's like, no, there are times where like
you are not the most important person in the room.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
You got to be able to take that and that's
a fact. And I'm not bending for no one. I'm sorry.
And the world does not revolve around you. That's a
line that we use a lot in my house. The
world don't revolve around you because they we have those
people that it's just like they expect everybody to just
do what they want in order for them to feel validated,
special and superior.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
In case nobody told you today your special, so now
the last one you touched on it earlier. But I
think it's important to bring back up. And that's the
empathy impairment, and that's their inability. You know, they want
to feel special compared to others, and they lose sight
of the fact that other people have feelings and their
perspectives of their own. So you know, it's like, I'm gonna,
(18:43):
I'm gonna just like railroad your feelings because that's not
important to me. It's important for me to feel special
and see and validated.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
You know, steam roll right over everybody in your life.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
It's crazy. But when we come back from the break,
I do want to talk to people because it's hard.
You know, when you've been in a relationship like this,
you can beat yourself up about the falling into the trap.
And I think that there are so many people who
have had relationships like this who have to be kind
to themselves. So we're going to talk about that after
the break. So honey, you know they say like a
(19:19):
leopard doesn't change its spots, some real easy phrase. You
know that people all understand, and that's the whole issue.
I think for people who have been in relationships with narcissists.
They feel like I should have known. I should have
seen this earlier.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Of course, cause that's the first thing you do, is
you beat yourself up. Isn't that what we do in life,
no matter what I know?
Speaker 2 (19:38):
But you have to give yourself a break. And this
is this is what I've spoken about with my friends
and my sister who have been through this type of
a situation. I'm like, you've got to give yourself a break.
You are a human being, You're not a fortune teller.
You don't know it all and listen, like this could
have just been a period of time where somebody was
just showing these narses, but like then we found out
(20:00):
that he is who he is, you know what I mean.
And by the way, it's not just men. There are
plenty of women.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Who are taking from our experience.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
For sure, for sure. But I want to point that
out because I don't want this to sound like we're
just like man bashing the entire time.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
You know, not at all, but you know, dealing with
someone you know who's a narcissist, that can be so taxing,
emotionally draining, And I want you know, if you're listening
and you're dealing with someone. I want you to know
that you're not alone in this journey. There are a
lot of people going through the same thing.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, we've all encountered it. And so now, honey, you
told me that you had a letter from somebody who
is actually in a relationship like this. All right, So
next up, we're gonna do it. We're going to do
an exercise. Let's do an exercise. You and I, let's
do it. Yeah. Now, I remember when you were younger,
there was dear Abby.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Oh my god, I want to do that forever. I've
wanted to do dear Honey.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
No, we're going to do dear Gabby because Gabby, you know, like,
let's do it. Let's do it. Put him out, Okay. So,
dear Gabby, we know that you are going through it.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
And we want you to remember that you feelings are valid.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
And we want you to know that you are seen
and heard.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
And we know it's not easy to interact with someone
who you know consistently displays self centeredness and lacks empathy
for others.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
But you have to understand that you are worthy. Your
emotions and your experience.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
They matter, and it's very important for you to prioritize
your well being throughout this process.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
And you also have to acknowledge the fact that you
have come a long way. You have dealt with a
narcissist for many, many years potentially, and that in itself
is something to be proud of that you made it through.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
That is a fact because you know dealing from the
effects of having you know, been with a narcissist takes time,
and you know this journey's going to have ups and downs,
but you have the strength and you can persevere and
you can be stronger and come out of better person
on the other side.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
And remember not everybody out there in the world is
like this. You will find your happiness.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
If you ever need someone to talk to, Me and
Carolina are here, you can dm us. Don't hesitate to
reach out, and just know that you deserve to live
your life, you know, free from negativity and toxicity.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
And if there are any friends or family members who
are putting you down or who are making you feel worse,
take a break, make sure that you rebuild your life
and rebuild yourself. Because you've made it this far.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
We believe in your ability to overcome this challenging situation.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
And we want to send you nothing but love.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
We're sending you strength, We're sending you courage, and we're
sending you mucho, mucho mucho amra.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Oh my god, that was beautiful.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
You're ready actus off the cuff, by the way, I
feel like we're ready to take this on the road.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
I think I think that we like actually like we
need a license now, like we we've definitely like we've
helped people. This is life coaching, right, we just did
right now, this is life coaching. We did that. No,
I love that. No, so I hope that if you
are going through that, that this was helpful and that
you can find your way through it. But now I
do want to take people to the salon, honey, because salon.
I want to know the real salon, because fine, there's
(23:00):
a great so much fun with that. But no, that
was great. No, but I do want to go to
the real salon because I know last week when we
had Rita here lit pack, we had CC who was
going through some stuff. But then now I know you
have another letter that you got in your DMS that
I wanted you to read because I you know, I
always love trying to help people, and like we always say,
(23:20):
we don't know if we help you, but we try,
all right.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
This one comes from anonymous Oh okay, let's call her
our Pridma.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Okay, well, she.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
Says, miss Amigas, this is bad. I've been in a
relationship for almost twenty years with my man Jose. Relationship.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Okay, well, no, she says.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
They're married, they have kids, you name it.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
She says.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
My man is a ride or die, or so I thought.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
She says it all started with a high school reunion
five months ago, and now I am reconnected with someone
from my past. We now secretly DM every day. He
sends me good morning messages. He's asking me out on dates.
I feel like my mind is telling me that this
is wrong, but it just feels so right. She says,
we haven't done anything physical, but the emotional cheating is
(24:06):
eating me away from the inside. I want to tell
my husband, but I know it will crush him and
my family.
Speaker 2 (24:14):
Please help. What should I do? Okay? She's emotionally cheating, Carolina. Okay,
not the twenty year reunion that just did you all in. Okay,
you've been with Jose for twenty years. That is an achievement,
not everybody gets to last that long in a relationship.
(24:35):
And because you felt a spark. And by the way,
I don't want you to feel like I'm coming down
on you, and I don't want you to take this,
you know, in a bad way. But I'm going to
keep it real with you, just like I kept it
real with my sister's ex narcissist husband. Okay, emotional cheating
is cheating, And that's my opinion, Karlina. Somebody is if
(24:56):
somebody is sending my husband good morning messages, that ain't right,
and you have to put the shoe on the other
foot and think about how hurtful and how damaging this
would be if you were going through it on the
other end. Oh God, honey does not believe the same thing.
She's dying right now. See for me, I don't. I
don't appreciate you stuff like that. I always say, like
(25:18):
all of my messages, everything like, if they were to
come to light, there would be no issue, no issue,
because I never want anybody to think that they're more
important than my husband. But the fact that your gut
is telling you that this is not right, I would
listen to your gut because I don't believe it's right,
you're gonna give it all up for this one person.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
I wouldn't tell. I'm not telling a damn thing, Carolynina.
I ain't see it as man in person.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
We would just DM and memes and bullshit. You know,
but wait, but why? But why? Because you're clearly missing something.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
You always Carolyn. After twenty years, you're gonna miss something.
You're gonna miss that newness, You're gonna miss the spark.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
Okay, but then you don't get to have the twenty years.
Then things get you don't get to keep that. No, no, no, no,
it's not fair. That's not fair to Jose. I am
team Jose, team Jose, because you know what it is.
Here's this guy, which hopefully he isn't doing the same thing.
That's the other point, you know, I just.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Don't think it's like dming and you know, just flirty
text is worthy throwing away your marriage and your family.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
It's deceptive. It needs to stop. I'm serious, I am
not joking, like I am. So girl sent me a pitch.
I want to see how he looks. You stop it
right now. You're encouraging it after twenty years and listen, like, yes,
I do get it. There are certain times in our
lives where we want to feel that like ill, I'm
still exactly And that's why I'm saying after not the
twenty year reunion, because you know, you go back and
(26:37):
everybody's checking each other out, and like what's in the
past is in the past, and.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
That's weird that she well, like, I guess people feel
safe reconnecting with like old people, like for sure, Oh
this was my first from high school.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
Oh my gosh, should I tell you about my friend
who ended up like going back with a guy from
high school and then it ended up that he was
having like three different relationships behind her back because she
trusted him, she let down her guard. Narcissists are out there.
They're praying on you. You went to high school with you, right,
but you don't know them. There has been a long
period of time between when you went to high school
to who they are now and who you are to
(27:11):
know these people. I don't know these p I don't
want to know these people. I don't want to know you.
If that's this is what you're doing, could rising rising? Whatever?
People say, no, no go to bed, no.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Care, no, only my two boys get to call me Mommy,
don't be a media for real.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
No, I'm serious. So you know what this is. This
is a situation where you really really have to have
a long, hard talk with yourself and decide with the
husband stop. No, no, no, no, no no. I think this
is something that you either you come to the conclusion
that your relationship isn't where it needs to be and
you go work on it, or you come to the
(27:50):
conclusion that you want to be single and you want
to pursue this thing, but you do it the right way.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
I don't think she wants to pursue it. I think
she just wants to get that little tingly feeling, you know,
no tingles. I'm telling you because that's where it all
starts to.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
Well we haven't been physical yet, then we're gonna find
you in a parking lot, in the back of a car,
you know, heating up all the windows. No, it's not okay,
I'm sorry, I'm yelling anonymous.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Listen, just cut the bullshit. Okay, Yes, try to get
things spicy with your man. There, you go, tell him
you like these, you know, good morning messages that when
he's working back sadness in you. But don't tell your
man don't crush your family. Don't crush your kids, especially
if you ain't give it up to that man.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
No, and honestly, like you know, don't be like Usher
in the Confessions album. Seriously you got another girl pregnant.
It was like, this is all kinds of messiness, Like
you don't want to be that girl. Mm mmm mmm mmmmm.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Anonymous, you had your phone, girl, put the phone down,
block him, tell him you know this ain't right. Go
back to your kids, go back to your husband, and
you know what, just go on TikTok. There's plenty five
men on TikTok you can look at.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
And live and learn, you know what I mean, Like,
don't open up that space to anybody. That's that's the
reason why I say, like there was only one person
who gets to go there with me, and that's my husband.
I love Carolina, She's so good. I am so passionate
about this subject. No for real, because it's just like
I would never, ever, ever, if my husband ever did
that to me, it would be the most hurtful thing
because it's like that's that is it. I would be
(29:19):
so upset that, like he didn't value my feelings and
our relationships, so there you have it. I'm sorry. I was.
I got a little, I got a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
I know.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
I love how you say my husband did that to
me because I've been there. Oh really stop now, and
he says I always drag him and the people are
gonna hate him. But it was weird.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
It was one of his friends gave like an old
classmate like his number, but I it was somebody he dated. Why, Well,
first of all, that's a problem. That's what she was
asking me, how you are? So I gave her your
phone number?
Speaker 2 (29:54):
But that's not a friend to you. Now I'm pissed.
That's okay. Well I never really fucked with him like that. Yeah,
do we cancel him?
Speaker 1 (30:01):
He'd been canceling okay, But anyway, but I saw the messages.
It was weird because he left the phone open and
it was playing like a like a video or something,
so the phone didn't lock. As soon as that man
went down, I jumped for that phone. I checked for
any messages with attachment. I was like, boom, did is?
Oh wait?
Speaker 2 (30:17):
I wouldn't even know how to do that. Wait, what
messages with attachment?
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Yeah, like like somebody sending stuff? Like who's sending stuff?
And then I found. First, I found the name and
I was like, this name looks very weird. Then I
went in it.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
No, no, no, it wasn't message.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
What I did was I found names that looked weird,
and then I didn't look at the conversation because he
was gonna come run back. I looked at the attachments.
Boom boom boom boom boom, picture, picture picture, Why are
you sending your kids? Why are you sending yourself? So
I think it's like a thing for like high school
people to then try to like, oh look at me,
or look at this.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
So look at that.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
And I nipped that shir in the buttet.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
I was gonna say, how did you feel when you
discovered it. I finished getting dressed.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
I was like, this is different. I was like if
I go, because if I while out, then it's a problem.
Everything's gonna get broken. You know, I'm a violent person.
When I get angry.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
He broke the windows out his car.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
So I was like, nah, I'm going to finish getting dressed.
I was like, okay, I see you. We connected with
somewhe from your past.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
No problem, stop it.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
I got dressed, I went to work and I didn't
come home for three days.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
And then when he was calling you and asking where
are you? What's going on?
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Turn my phone on?
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Stop it turned my phone. This is a whole novent Outwait,
so what happened? I mean that's how we.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Yeah, I remember, like I had a friend who used
to manage a hotel Manhaannah just did different a couple
of days. I was like, let me just digest everything,
let me think everything through. And it's funny because I
didn't read the messages. I just saw the pictures. No,
and you know, I didn't feel good. I'll tell you
that much. So you know what, Anonymous, maybe stop doing
this to whole say it because I've been there and
it didn't feel good.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
But you know what, I figured it out. Well, that's
what I'm saying. So the advice that I gave to
her was like, if this you have to like either
take a stand you either work on your relationship and
you're a testament that you can work through it and
you can get over it, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Like that, it wasn't anything bad, but it was just like,
why are you reconnecting with someone from you?
Speaker 2 (32:03):
That's my point.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
It doesn't what's up with the marriage, Like why do
you need to talk to somebody?
Speaker 2 (32:07):
Do you get to see her kids? Unless it's on
Facebook and it pops up in your feet like that,
then it's an accident. Then it's not like you pursuing
it or looking for it. Do you understand what I mean?
Like that? That to me is innocent and I would
never like I listen, guys are going to look, They're
going to see and that's you can't prevent that. But
what you can prevent is letting them know I am
(32:27):
not okay with you talking to this and that and
you know everybody else behind my back, because if it
was okay, he would do it in front of you
and you would tell me you guys reached Joanna or
like you know, Johay.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Deceitfulness ye because it was concealed.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
That's my If there's nothing wrong with it, there doesn't
need to be a.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
Secial Like if I wouldn't have found it, they probably
would have reconnected, they would have met up, and god
knows they would have had some old sex or some
shitt That's.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
What I'm saying. That's where it can go. Do you
know that? And I know we have to go, but
do you know that I've been going back and forth
to LA for een years and hosting and doing all
this stuff. And my mentor, Eric lives out in LA.
We've never been in a relationship. He's treated me like
a little sister my entire life. He has guided my career.
He's one of my most trusted friends and I adore him.
(33:17):
My husband knows that.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
Do you know that?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
He said, Hey, let's meet for lunch this time before,
if you have time before you go to the studio.
I said to Mark. I was like, hey, I was like,
Eric wants to have lunch, you know, and he's like, okay, cool,
like he knows. But I felt like it was important
for me to say to him because of my level
of respect for him that, you know, like I was
if I posted a picture on social media. Mark's not
on social but what if one of his friends said, oh,
(33:40):
I saw your girl was out with this guy in LA,
Like I never hear it, like b eactly. That's why
I say, it's like, you never have to hide the
things if it's there's nothing going on. So, and we've
gone on way too long. We love you, and honestly,
I hope you still follow me. Don't block me, don't
unfollow or don't mute me and hopefully we've helped you
(34:02):
with your situation. We goha, yeah, we do definitely, and
now don't forget guys to follow us at l I
Spanglish and I'm at the Real Carolina.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
I Am Honey Jereman. Make sure you like and subscribe,
and thanks for rocking with.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Us, and as always, if you listen to us, please
please listen to us on the free iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
If you can every time. Lifense Banglish is a production
of Life Pence Banguished Productions in partnership with Iheart's micing
through that podcast network
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