Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
He served at the Pentagon as an army jack. He
graduated from Notre Dame and has two law degrees from
Boston University and Georgetown University. He's been practicing law for
over thirty years. He's your family's personal attorney. It's time
for the David Carrier Show.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Hello, and welcome to the David Carrier Show on David
Carrier in your family's personal attorney, and you have found
the place where we talk about a state planning, elder law,
real estate and business law. That's correct, all those good things.
It's not legal advice. Got to pay for that, but
this well do well, no you don't actually, I mean
(01:03):
you don't actually have to be. It could be legal
advice without paying for it. That's that's not really the issue.
But it isn't legal advice, you know what I mean.
So if you do what I tell you to do
and everything works out wonderfully well, which it always does
the time and never any problem, then yay. But if
it doesn't work out, which it never ever happens. But
(01:24):
if it didn't, if that ever happened, ever happened, then
you can't sue me for malpractice. Because this is a
radio show it's not legal advice. Still in all, yeah,
we're always right, So whatever doesn't make anyway six one
six seven seven four twenty four twenty four. That's six
one six seven seven four twenty four twenty four to
(01:46):
call the studio and get your question, comment or concern
on the air. Now we take questions, comments, and concerns
about everything from drones in New Jersey to whatever, I
don't know, whatever else you want to talk about that before.
But we do try to focus to some extent anyway
on estate planning, will trust and probate, elder law. That's
(02:10):
that part, that little part of estate planning that has
to do with you while you are alive. It seems
to me to be the most important part. And it
is a crying shame. I frankly, I don't understand.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
I do not.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
It's one of those things I do not understand. It's like,
how can you do estate planning without thinking about the
people sitting across the table. Oh no, it's all about
your kids. It's all about your stuff. What how did
that work? But anyway, but that is what estate planning
is traditionally focused on. And incidentally, we don't consider your
(02:49):
kids as individuals. Either we don't consider the reality of
what's going on with them ninety eight times out of
one hundred. And you know, sometimes I say things like that,
people that, oh, well, what studies have you done? What
do you base that on? Well, okay, I was looking
at my looking at our client count. And here's the thing.
(03:11):
Whenever anyone contacts the office, whether you come to a
workshop or an event, anything, anything, any contact that you
have where we get your name, address, phone number, right,
So because you know, talk about attorney client privilege and
all that, because once you get into that relationship, I
(03:32):
have an obligation. My firm has an obligation to keep
that stuff confidential, to keep it on the down low.
You know, there's an attorney client privilege that attaches at
that time when you come to a workshop and you
raise your hand and you ask a question. Okay, it
may not be legal advice per se, but what you
tell us is protected by privilege. Okay, that's what you're
(03:55):
there for. You know, we're lawyers and that's that's why
you're here. So it's protected even if you just tell
the paralegal. So we're about around and not everybody becomes
a client. So this number is not number of paying customers, Okay,
it's people who came to something. People we had conversation
with people, we talked about what is your situation? And
(04:19):
the numbers almost at one hundred and ten thousand, one
hundred ten thousand. Yeah, so that's a lot of people
over you know, thirty five year, will be thirty five
years in about a week or so. So over thirty
five years, one hundred ten thousand people. That's a lot
of people. So when I tell you ninety eight percent,
(04:40):
well I don't mean ninety eight. Could be ninety five,
could be ninety, it could be one hundred. I don't know.
But this is my impression based on one hundred and
ten thousand interactions, almost one hundred ten thousand interactions with
regular folks over the last thirty five years. You know,
probably only about half of those folks. Do we ever
do any legal legal work for right the rest were
(05:03):
you know, we come in, sit down and talk about it,
figure it out. Okay, it can't help you, you don't
want us to help you. That's that's sent up to you, obviously.
But that's a lot of folks. One hundred and ten
thousand and over thirty years and it may actually be
more than that because when I first got started, See,
(05:24):
you can purge your records every once in a while,
and we purged a few thousand after the first five
years or something like that. But this is the system,
the numbering system, and we probably missed some early on
because we didn't you know, when we're doing it by paper,
and then we did do it on paper. Can you
imagine that paper? Wow, I was back in the day,
(05:49):
or maybe it was parchment, I forget which. Anyway, the
point is that that's a lot of folks, and now
we keep track much better than we used to, and
we can go because it's all it's you know, maintained
all of it. So if you came in or your
folks came in thirty years ago, we've got to still
got their documents still scanned in, still all the rest
of that. But but right off the bat, we're first
(06:13):
reorganizing things. Thirty years ago, we we did do a
purge of the files, but we haven't done that in
over thirty years. And so if if you're wondering, did
your folks, if your folks ever came to us, I
mean you're wondering or if you came to us thirty
years ago. We still have your We still have your
(06:35):
stuff all scanned as you can imagine. We hope it's
still there. We expect it, you know, because we we
took all those paper files. You would not believe. We
had storage areas, We rented separate offices just to keep
track of all that stuff, all the all the paper.
(06:56):
It's just amazing how much paper there is. And then
if you ever printed it out, you know, if you're
printed out, just how much the paper equivalent would be
to keep all the different versions of documents, to keep
the drafts and everything. Because we keep all that stuff,
you know, it's it's easy to do, so you can
see the progression on somebody's thought process as you're as
(07:17):
you're going through. So anyway, that's a lot of folks.
So that's where my statistics come from come from talking
to literally over one hundred thousand, over one hundred thousand
folks over thirty years. So you know, it's not a
you know, it's not a scientific study. But like, for example,
(07:37):
one of the things I'm concerned about, like, oh, we
also deal with real estate and business law, so we
have a question about that seven seven four twenty four
twenty four. That's six one, six seven seven four twenty
four twenty four. Give us a call. Now here's the thing.
It's so, this is why I'm saying what I'm saying.
Thirty five years of watching this, I'd be surprised if
(07:58):
this was the year that then broke. But it might,
but I don't expect it to. You put off having
the conversation with your parents or your spouse or your
loved one or whoever it was. You know that they
need assistance. You know that, all right, And you put
(08:19):
it off because, oh, it's Thanksgiving. You I don't want
to ruin Thanksgiving. And it's Christmas. You want to put
off Christmas? And then New Year's. New Year's is a stretch, Okay,
who cares about the Clark anyway? New Year's rock and
Eves always boring and it's stupid. But you want to
watch the ball dropt one more time? Okay? Fine? And
(08:42):
now in January you're going to have the conversation. And
right now, long term care facility tend to be, you know,
kind of sucking win there a little bit. It tends
to be not so busy. It's going to get rocking
in January and February. That's just what I've seen over
the you know, over the years, is that lots and
(09:04):
lots of folks, you know, start looking because why because
you put off the conversation as long as you possibly could,
and now you can't put it off, you can't put
it off anymore, And so we get a lot of inquiries, well,
how do you have a conversation, how do you how
do you talk to people about the long term care
(09:24):
now that you can't put it off anymore? And the
answer is, there's no secret to it. There is no
It's very, very difficult to have that conversation with your
loved one because you're the loved one. Because if you're
the spouse, right, there's all the stuff that goes into
(09:44):
a spousal relationship going on there. You know, Oh, you
said I was crazy since I met you, and now
you know and you have mixed loyalty, you know, should
I do this? Should I do this? I can't believe
you know, So having the conversation with your spouse very
very difficult frequently, and even if you can have the conversation,
(10:06):
even if it seems like you're having a conversation at
the same time, there tends to be aspects of the
conversation which are still very difficult, very difficult, because this
is not an easy thing. This is not flip a switch,
this is not well there's only one way to do it.
There are a lot of different ways to do it.
And you do need to have that conversation. You need
(10:28):
to get it. You need to have the conversation started,
and you need to talk about this stuff. And the
difficulty is not with what you're saying. See, I've seen
these coaches tell you, oh, do it like this, Oh
do it like you know, they'll never see it come
in if you talk about it like this, you know,
and oh, just talk about these other things and then
(10:48):
move over. And it's like, you know, by the time
you're eighty years old, right, for the last fifty years anyway,
and probably sixty years, people have been trying to sell
you stuff, scam me on stuff, and all the rest.
If you think older folks don't understand when they're being
sold something, you need to rethink that they know better
(11:12):
than you do. So when you're trying to ease into
it or whatever, it's going to be difficult. Okay, it
ain't gonna my experience is most of the time it
doesn't work because you're trying not to tell them what
you're trying to tell them, and you're trying to do
it in such a way that they don't realize that
you're not telling them what you're really telling them. Okay,
(11:34):
and you're not good at it. When we get back,
I'll tell you how to do it. You're listening to
the David Carrier Show on David Carrier Your Family's Personal Attorney.
(12:08):
It's come up.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
This hour of the David Carrier Show is pro bono,
so call in now at seven. This is the David
Carrier Show.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Welcome back to the David Carrier Show on David Carrier,
Your Family's Personal Attorney. Now here's the thing question is
how do you have the talk with your folks when
it's difficult to have the talk with your folks And
we're at that time of the year when your excuses
are running out, when you know Christmas is just about over. Well,
(12:41):
Christmas just about here, thanksgivings in the rearview mirror. Recent
Christmas will be then New Year's and now you've got
to do something. You've had to do something. Generally speaking,
you've had to do something for a while. Now now
you're finally going to get down to it, okay, And
the difficult you're gonna have is that you will maybe
(13:04):
listen to some of these youtubes or you know, read
a book somewhere, and oh, here's how you talk to
your parents about this. And there is no good way
to talk to your parents or your loved one or whoever.
There's no good way to do it because it's not
about information. Okay, thirty five years I've been talking about
this stuff. And if people were logical, if people were rational,
(13:27):
if people could just see it right, if you could
just I'd be out of business. Okay, I'd have said
it one time. I'd have recorded something. People would play
the recording and then they would just protect their assets.
Then they would just make sure that their trusts actually worked.
They would make sure that they cared for themselves and
their spouses despite the prevalence of long term care. They
(13:49):
just do it. They would just do it. And you
would also make sure two more things. Number one, you
make sure that your estate plan worked. Number two, you
would make sure that you're that you were protected, you
and your spouse were protected. Number two. Number three, you
would make sure that when you left something to kids,
it would be protected for the kids. It wouldn't go
(14:11):
to their creditors, it wouldn't go to their ex spouse,
it wouldn't go to their ex business partner, it wouldn't
go to student loans. It would go to the kid
for a benefit for potentially lifetime, generational You would do that. Also,
you would take care of your iras in a way
that is an absolutely not guaranteed, but frequently horrific. You
(14:34):
wouldn't do any of those things. And I don't only
have to say it one time, and I don't have
to be here, you know, every morning for the last
god knows how long. I really don't know. I think
it's like eighteen years, nineteen, I don't know. We're around
in it on twenty. But anyway, it's been a long time.
I wouldn't have to keep saying this stuff, okay, but
we human beings, it's not that easy, Okay. I just
(14:57):
had to experience this week. Very smart people, very smart
people right come in and it's like, well, we want
to change this, and I'm like another one of those trusts,
another one of those bargain basement. Oh yeah, yeah, it
doesn't do what's necessary. Look at the powers of attorney.
They don't do what's necessary. And it's like, Okay, here's
(15:19):
the real here's how this actually works. And they say, oh, yeah,
let's do it. Then they come back the next day.
You know, they haven't paid us anything or anything like that.
But you know, then they come back the next day
and it's like, oh, well, you know, we didn't come
in here for this. Yeah, I know, you came in
here to put a patch on a jaloppie. And I'm
(15:40):
telling you, the wheels are about, you know, on it.
It's hard to have to talk. It's hard even for me.
It's difficult to tell folks, Look, this is what's going on.
And you've got the additional burden. You've got the additional
burden of being the loved one. Maybe you're the kid,
(16:03):
maybe you're the spouse, maybe you're the net niece or nephew. Okay,
nobody wants to hear this stuff. It's not popular. I understand.
I chose an area of this profession which is not popular. Okay, well,
too bad. We can still do and have done. I
would say, an awful lot of good. This is. See,
this is the thing if you go to what's unpopular,
(16:26):
what it means is most people are screwing it up.
The other folks are screwing you know, the so called
people who know what's going so called the state planners,
whether they're attorney's, financial advisors, whoever, they're messing it up.
Am I saying they're messing up? Yes, I'm saying they're
messing it up? Yes I am, because thirty five years,
one hundred, ten thousand experiences of looking at families how
this actually works. Now, that's my building, my own credibility.
(16:50):
I've got a reason for saying this stuff because you
see it. You can't you can't deny it if you
don't do very much. You can deny that it happens
all the time, but it happens all all the time.
So you look at it and you say, these are
the things that need to get done. But you can't
just say it. You especially can't just say it because
(17:11):
of the emotional connection whatever. That relationship that you have
with the person is makes it even more difficult, even
more difficult for you to get the message across because
it's filtered by that relationship. If you're trying to tell
your parents what's going on? Right, Well, you're the kid,
(17:32):
the hell do you know? And you say, well, you
know all the success and your parents will brag about
your success. I get that all the time. And if
your advice is consistent with their advice, Like that's what
these folks did. They're like, oh, we talked to our kids,
and our kids say they don't need it. It's like, uh,
you remember the slogan, my favorite slogan, right, which is
(17:54):
screw the kids. You can't be focused on the kids
when you're doing this kind of planning. You have to
be focused on one another, all right. It ain't about
the kids. Hello, wakey, wakey, it ain't about the kids.
It's about you. It's about your spouse. So that when
you have to have that conversation, right, you're ready for it. Right,
(18:15):
you're ready because you already had that conversation. But what
do you do because your parents have been like these folks,
you know, head in the sand, shut their eyes, screw
their eyes tight, stick their fingers in there and start
saying yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not listening. I'm
intentionally not listening. Do you think that's frustrating? Don't put
(18:40):
your hand on the stove. Whooh that was hot. Oh
that's human beings, that's all of us. We all do
that kind of stuff. But how do you get Your
question is practical question is how do you actually get
this ball rolling? And the answer is, number one, you
educate yourself. Number one, you find out. You know, we've
got some videos, we've got you know, you can call
(19:02):
us whatever, but your parents going to have a hard
time hearing it from you. You got to accept that.
And number two, when it gets to all the details,
because this stuff really is, honest to God, it's complicated.
It is complicated stuff. So you know what we do.
We meet with an awful lot of folks. You know,
(19:23):
there's no charge. Come on in and we'll talk to you.
We'll talk to your parents and go over it. Now,
you don't have to do that. You don't have to
do that. Obviously, there's workshops that we do. We do
the Three Secrets workshops all the time. We've got a
lot of family groups coming to the Three Secrets Workshop.
That's a very good way for you to start to
understand what the heck is going on. And then your
(19:46):
drag your folks along because they can hear it from us.
Because we're not the kids. They can hear it from
us because we're not your spouse. We can hear you
can hear it from us. Mixing that up there, but
people can hear it from us because we're sort of neutral.
We don't have that ongoing relationship, right, We don't have
(20:07):
the history. This is why we don't do co trustees,
because kids have history. You've got to break it out
of the history and get down to the reality. And
that's what this is. That's what it's all about. You
need to grind it down. And it's very very difficult
to do that, very difficult, almost impossible, it seems like
(20:28):
to me, uh, to do that when you've got all
that relationship stuff going on. You know you've been listening
to the Davy Carrier Show on David Carrier, your Family's
Personal Attorney.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
You can listening once again with Candy Cans and Sugar
Lanes a Globe listener and listener beautiful.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
David's got the how too you're looking for Just call
seven seven twenty four.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
This is the David Carrier Show.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Well, come back to the David Carrier Show. I'm David Carrier,
your Family's personal Attorney. Today we're talking about how do
you have the talk? It's you know, Christmas is right
around the corner, just a couple of days away. And
for many folks, the third quarter, last quarter eive mean,
the fourth quarter of the year is a difficult time
because you should have had the conversation with your folks,
(21:40):
with the person loved one, whoever it is who's suffering
from the dementia or physical disability or whatever it may
happen to be. Whatever it may be could be physical,
could be mental, could be combination, and you put off
having the conversation, and the reason you do it is
very difficult conversation to have, and they're rarely, again my experience,
(22:02):
rarely successful, simply because of the relationship that you have.
Parents tend to reject information or advice or whatever from
the kids unless it's exactly consistent with what the parents
already wanted to hear. And when you tell mom or dad, uh,
you know, we thought it was hearing loss. That's why
(22:22):
we got to you the hearing aids. But now you
can hear perfectly well. And that's another thing, just a
side note. If you're putting off having hearing aids because
you think people think you're getting older. Right, if you
don't have the hearing aids, they'll think you're losing it. Okay,
get the hearing aids. Get the hearing aids. You know
for crying out loud anyway, but you see that happen.
(22:46):
You see it happen. I mean it's like, oh, no,
parents are having or losing it. And it's like, it's
not no. It's that they either the hearing aids they
have don't work, or they don't have hearing aids. They
can't hear you. It's not that they wouldn't understand if
you told them if they could hear you, they'd be fine,
but they can't hear you. So anyway, just to say,
also see also urinary tract infections, potassium deficiencies. Right, it's
(23:12):
amazing how much how much dementia gets cleared up by
a few bananas, drinking some more water, or getting that
getting that urinary infection looked at. Okay, so so do
all that stuff first, because that's what we're gonna tell you.
I mean, if your calling and say ooh, concerned about
mom and dad, so well come to the workshop, et cetera.
(23:34):
And then when we get into it, it's like Okay,
what is the what's their help? Like, you know, are
you sure it's that because these are things that are
very easily fixable. Look if you can fix it with penicillin,
fix it, because frequently that's the frequently that's a that's
an issue. Anyway, long story short, Now it's not just
(23:56):
that we know. It's not that they're hydrated, they're you know, everything, okay,
but it's not okay and we're having and we're having
the issues. Okay.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Fine.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
This is where like things like the Alzheimer's Association and
other folks like that are really really helpful because if
you go there, if you go there, they can say
the things that people can't hear from you. We do
the same thing, but with us, it's more of a
it's not so much the mental health support. That's not
(24:29):
what we do, all right. What we do is make
sure that whatever you've got is there. We're more on
the financial support side of things, more on the how
do we get additional services for you side of things.
That's where that's where we help out. Okay, that's that's
our aspect. Anyway. If you have a question about any
of us six one, six, seven, seven, four twenty four
(24:51):
twenty four. That's sixty one six seven seven four twenty
four twenty four will get your question, comment or concern
on the air. So how do you have the talk
when the relationship makes it very difficult. I've said it
before in the show when my mom had the dementia,
and Okay, now's the time to talk to dad about
how we're going to get this done? Right? Well, you
(25:11):
put it off and put it off and put it off.
And finally he calls me when he gets the nursing
home bill, you know, which is like a significant fraction
of what he's got in savings, and it's like, what
are we going to do now? Because this is the
first one and there's a whole stream coming and I'm like,
don't worry about it because remember we did that trust
ten years ago. Ya da da da dah. Okay, are
(25:34):
you sure is this legal? Are you sure this is legal?
Is this really okay? Can you really do this? You know?
That's my own father, Thank you, dav Anyway, the point is,
why would he would he say that to an unrelated lawyer. No,
he would not. He would he would know, you know,
especially if guy's been around for a while, he would
know that that's okay. That yeah, we're not telling you
(25:56):
stuff that doesn't work, that hasn't worked for lots of folks.
But I'm his kid and because I'm his kid, man,
well that's the thing. So how do we do it?
We say, well, come to the workshop, bring the whole family,
you know, bring the whole family, bring everybody, everybody, and
we really encourage that, frankly and everybody who might want. See,
(26:21):
here's the thing, right, you don't want to do this,
you don't want to do it, you hate the whole thing,
you don't want to talk to me, you don't want
to do your estatement. You don't want to do it.
You don't and you're going to look for any excuse
not to do it because that's what you've been doing.
And you know this is true for the last twenty
thirty years since oh yeah, yeah. It's like going to
(26:43):
the dentist, right, but you don't have a toothache, So
why should go to the dentist. I don't have a toothache?
What's the problem? And with state planning, with older law,
you're not going to have a toothache until someone's in
long term care. And an awful lot of folks come
in at that time get the diagnosis when you get
the placement, So that's what brings that's what finally, you know,
(27:06):
raises the pain level to the point where you actually
come on in, but you could do it a lot easier.
That's why we do the workshops. That's why we do
the other events that we've got. Last last week, last Thursday,
so we had over two hundred folks at the you know,
our Red Wagon Club members, our other clients for our
(27:28):
Christmas thing and you know, yeah, it was fun. It
was lunch, it was snacks, it was others, you know,
giveaways and you know a bunch of stuff going on
and you get to look at the Christmas trees, tour
through the gardens and sculpture park. Yeah, that's all great,
that's all wonderful. You get to talk to the people
you met the last time. You know, a lot of
(27:49):
who had a number of folks who were you know
who came up and you know, just talking and you know,
met some new folks and how cool it was to
find out was you know, what was going on and
how what their experiences were. So very you know, kind
of a positive thing. Once you break the ice. Once
it's not the kids or the family members telling you
(28:11):
what to do, but when everybody hears it. You see,
that's why it's important to get as many family members
to the workshop as you can, so that everybody's talking
about the same thing. Not what you remember about what
we said, because human beings being human beings, you don't
retain most of it. But when you're there, and you
(28:32):
know what I love the most, absolutely love the most,
is when the skeptical kid comes to a workshop or
it comes to the meeting. Absolutely love the skeptical kid
who thinks we're trying to pull them all over somebody's
eyes or what. They start asking the hard question what
they think are the they really? Do they really? Ah?
(28:53):
I got you now. My financial advisor says this, Zenzo
says that, and I'm like, okay, here's why they think that.
Here's how this all works. Oh. I love the skeptical
love them. You know, does this really work or whatever?
It's like, well, yeah, and here's how it works. Okay.
But that's where, in my humble opinion, you need a
(29:15):
third party. That's a function that we play a lot
because people can hear it from us, but they can't
hear it from you and has nothing to do with
what you're saying. If I swear to God, if I
had a nickel for every time a wife elbowed the
husband when we're talking about a state planning right or
any of this stuff, and I am there goes the
elbow because she's been saying it. And sometimes it goes
(29:39):
the other way. But guys don't elbow their wives. Women
wives will you know, see it boom, it goes the elbow.
But but guys, guys more look and again don't hold
me a percentages on this, but the guys look at
the look at the wife with the puppy dog. Guys
you know what I mean, because they've been saying this
(30:01):
right along. I'm just you know, it just so happens
that now I'm saying what they've been saying and they
look at the weather of them, you know, because they
don't know that anyway. The point is when you get
to that situation where your loved one is finally listening,
(30:23):
accept the win. It's really important, I think psychologically, if
you've been saying this stuff forever in a day right
to somebody and they hear it for the first time,
but they only hear it because it's me or one
of the other lawyers apparently is whoever is saying it
to them. Okay, that's a win, that's a win. Okay,
(30:44):
take the win. Take it. Accept it. Yes, you were
right all the time. Yes, it should have been done whatever,
Who cares, that's the past, that's the rearview, mirror. Accept
the win. They're doing it now. Okay, moving ahead, head now,
making good things happen. Now take it. Yes, you were
(31:04):
right a long time ago. If only they had listened. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it doesn't matter because you can't change it. I can't
do anything about it other than, as I keep saying, rejoice, celebrate,
accept it, and now move forward in a very positive
and a positive direction. That's the key we can help.
(31:27):
And it's not because we're so smart. It's not because
new information, is not because any of that. It's because
we're not you. And that's the biggest that's the biggest difference.
We don't have that pre existing history, and that makes
all the difference. Frequently you've been listening to the David
Carrier Show on David Carrier, your family's personal.
Speaker 4 (31:49):
Acernel had taken your goals. Now this is a car Show.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Welcome back to the David Carrier Show. On David Carrier.
Your family's personal attorneys say, well, why should we have
to talk anyway? You know, why why do we need
to have the you know, the long term care talk
to dementia talk? Why why don't you just let it go,
just keep letting it go. Number to call six one
six seven seven four twenty four twenty four. That's six
(32:42):
one six seven seven four twenty four twenty four. And
he answered a couple of answers to that question. Actually,
I mean it's a serious question. You know, if someone
suffering from dementia, you should do something about it. Why. Well,
I mean, I think nationally, I don't think i'm being whatever.
I mean, we see what happens when people cover up
(33:04):
for somebody who's suffering from the dementia. Okay, it's not
a good thing. They don't get better. People don't get
better from dementia, if that's what it is. Now, Like
I say, if it's a uti potassium hearing aids, let's
fix that. Yeah, good good, let's keep going. But here's
the key. An awful lot of folks, and this is
(33:25):
really you know, if you're going to have the conversation.
Why do we have to go to the lawyer's office,
Why do we have to talk to these people, whether
it's Alzheimer's or whoever. Why do I have to do that?
I'm fine? And the answer is the answer that you
need to know. Why it's important for you to do
it is because most people would rather not go to
an assisted living facility, a long term care facility, a
(33:48):
skilled nursing facility. Most people don't want to do that.
Most people would rather stay at home. Most people who've
got savings, who've been hard working Americans and everything else. Right,
you've done it all, you're doing it right. Good, you saved,
you built, you did all those good things. Well, you'd
rather not see all your money fly out the window
(34:11):
at ten thousand a month or thirteen or eighteen, god forbid,
at some of the skilled nursing facilities. You'd rather not
that that not happened. Plus, you can't afford it. You
can't even imagine how this would work anyway, understood. The
good news is. The good news is that for almost everybody,
not everybody, but an awful lot of folks, vast majority
(34:32):
of people right can qualify for at home care for assistance.
So are the ideal client for this absolutely avatar client
is the married couple. Married couple right who living at
home and one spouse has been enabling the other spouse
(34:56):
to stay at home and pretend that everything's okay when
you know that it really isn't. This also works for
single people, but the married couple is the amusing them
and as an example, because we can do the most
good with single people. Still good, still good, don't get
me wrong. I mean there's still a lot of things
we can do. But for the married couple where see,
(35:17):
Because here's the thing. If you're single, other people are
helping you out. If you're married, it's probably your spouse
is your primary caregiver, right, and they'll kill themselves before
they'll let you go to a long term care facility
until they actually do kill themselves from exhaustion and everything else.
At forty fifty percent of the time, it's the caregiver
dies first. Hello, wakey, wakey, the caregiver dies first. Well,
(35:40):
if the caregiver dies, what's happened to the care receiver?
What's happened to the person who's receiving the care What
do you think happens off to the long Well wait
a second, I thought that's what we were trying to
avoid here. Yes, and the good news is, and this
is all good news. Your finances for the vast majority
(36:00):
of people, finances can stay intact. Now you have to
do it correctly. You have to do it right. Okay,
we've been doing it right for thirty years. So do
it right. Maintain your financial stability, your financial wherewithal Okay,
it's not for free to get it done, but you
can get it done. And now up to five days
(36:24):
a week. This is the PACE program program of all
inclusive Care for the elderly in Kent County. These are
the people who built the new facility in Lowell, so
it's more convenient for people in Ionia County, all right,
and then you know Northeast Kent County, East Kent County.
So this is a real thing. It's been around since
(36:46):
the sixties. Hello, it's been around. Nobody knows about it.
I'm saying it one more time. Why do you have
to have the talk? You have to have the talk
because especially you know, if dad's got the dementia, is
covering for dad? Okay, Mom is doing all kinds of things.
Worry et cetera, et cetera, that she's not getting over
(37:08):
all right, and you can see it, and maybe you
can't see it, but you should look for it. And
what mom can get is five days a week back
thanks to Pace. Pace will come out to the personal hygiene.
Mom's not very good at wrestling Dad into the shower anyway,
but now mom's got a whole system of support. Dad's
(37:30):
got a place to go. Up to five days a week,
could be one day a week, could be every other week,
all right, most folks, it's a few days a week
for most folks, right, But Pace does everything. Pace pays
for everything, all the procedures, all the medical supplies, all
the pharmacy. There's no copay, there's no donut hole, there's
(37:53):
no you know hs. They just pay for everything because
what it does is it replaces, replaces for most, not everybody,
about five percent maybe when out of twenty may at
some point need residential care, especially if the spouse dies,
and that seems to be the thing. It's when the
(38:13):
spouse dies and you really can't maintain. But if your
life savings are intact, okay, instead of being decimated. Number one,
your caregiver isn't going to die first more than likely
because they're not exhausted. Okay, they've actually got some help,
they've got a day off, they can they can deal
with that. Okay, your spouse is being well cared for, right,
(38:39):
You've got to break you know. Here's the thing when
your Karen, think about this, when your kids were little, right,
how often did you go off on your spouse? Right?
I mean remember you're like exhausted and all that kind
of stuff. Well, you're older now, and it's not your kids,
which I hope are going to grow up and be better.
(39:00):
It's your spouse. And there's no there's no positive to this. Okay,
it's just going down. It's it's very difficult, very difficult.
Lighten the load, you know, I mean it was it
Saint Sebastian got hit with the arrows or whatever, you know,
and just kept taking it. You don't have to keep
(39:22):
taking it. And one of the reasons a lot of
people will do this the caregiver's spouse won't reach out
for help. I can do it, I can do it,
I can do it right. And they're also looking ahead
too well, if you know, if they're in long term
care and our financial stability our financial security is gone,
(39:42):
then what are we going to do. You can have
financial security, you can get the help, but you have
to have the talk. And that's what the workshops are brought.
Bring the kids, kids, bring mom and dad, come yourself,
Come yourself first and foremost, find out what it's all about. Okay. Knowledge,
information is the as possible thing you can do. I
(40:03):
don't know how many times you have to say it.
I'll keep on saying it, but you know, one foot
in front one radio show in front of the other.
We'll keep talking about it because once you have the
information right, it may be difficult to hear. It is
difficult to hear it is. There's no question about it.
And there's a million voices you know, who say, oh,
(40:24):
it's not necessarily you put it off, put it off,
put it off. Well, we're at the time of year
when people finally are looking at the wall. They can't
put it off anymore. Okay, that'll happen after January. First,
all the major holidays be gone. You know, I don't
know anybody who puts it off for Saint Patrick's Day.
So put it off for Thanksgiving, in Christmas, for New
(40:46):
Year's Yeah, but come to new Year. You got to
get the thing done. Just come to a workshop, call
the office, go to the website David Carrier Law dot com.
And you don't have to use us. You'd be really
smart if you did. But you don't have to. I mean,
and there's other there's other sources to help out there,
Alzheimer's Association, for example. All right, there's other ways to
get help. But come to the workshop. We will tell
(41:09):
you that that's the Three Secrets workshop, and we will
tell you they're not really secret. It's just that nobody
ever talks about them. Well, we talk about them, find out,
get the information, and then then decide. But but nine
times out of ten, that's what you mean in order
to move ahead positively in the new year. Okay, Even
(41:31):
listening to the David Carrier Show, I'm David Carrier, your
family's personal attorney.
Speaker 1 (41:38):
Just hear the slave jingling ring Je dinglingtos lovely with
you right.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
Outside.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Stuff
He served at the Pentagon as an army jack. He
graduated from Notre Dame and has two law degrees from
Boston University and Georgetown University. He's been practicing law for
over thirty years. He's your family's personal attorney. It's time
for the David Carrier Show.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Hello, and welcome to the David Carrier Show on David
Carrier in your family's personal attorney, and you have found
the place where we talk about a state planning, elder law,
real estate and business law. That's correct, all those good things.
It's not legal advice. Got to pay for that, but
this well do well, no you don't actually, I mean
(01:03):
you don't actually have to be. It could be legal
advice without paying for it. That's that's not really the issue.
But it isn't legal advice, you know what I mean.
So if you do what I tell you to do
and everything works out wonderfully well, which it always does
the time and never any problem, then yay. But if
it doesn't work out, which it never ever happens. But
(01:24):
if it didn't, if that ever happened, ever happened, then
you can't sue me for malpractice. Because this is a
radio show it's not legal advice. Still in all, yeah,
we're always right, So whatever doesn't make anyway six one
six seven seven four twenty four twenty four. That's six
one six seven seven four twenty four twenty four to
(01:46):
call the studio and get your question, comment or concern
on the air. Now we take questions, comments, and concerns
about everything from drones in New Jersey to whatever, I
don't know, whatever else you want to talk about that before.
But we do try to focus to some extent anyway
on estate planning, will trust and probate, elder law. That's
(02:10):
that part, that little part of estate planning that has
to do with you while you are alive. It seems
to me to be the most important part. And it
is a crying shame. I frankly, I don't understand.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
I do not.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
It's one of those things I do not understand. It's like,
how can you do estate planning without thinking about the
people sitting across the table. Oh no, it's all about
your kids. It's all about your stuff. What how did
that work? But anyway, but that is what estate planning
is traditionally focused on. And incidentally, we don't consider your
(02:49):
kids as individuals. Either we don't consider the reality of
what's going on with them ninety eight times out of
one hundred. And you know, sometimes I say things like that,
people that, oh, well, what studies have you done? What
do you base that on? Well, okay, I was looking
at my looking at our client count. And here's the thing.
(03:11):
Whenever anyone contacts the office, whether you come to a
workshop or an event, anything, anything, any contact that you
have where we get your name, address, phone number, right,
So because you know, talk about attorney client privilege and
all that, because once you get into that relationship, I
(03:32):
have an obligation. My firm has an obligation to keep
that stuff confidential, to keep it on the down low.
You know, there's an attorney client privilege that attaches at
that time when you come to a workshop and you
raise your hand and you ask a question. Okay, it
may not be legal advice per se, but what you
tell us is protected by privilege. Okay, that's what you're
(03:55):
there for. You know, we're lawyers and that's that's why
you're here. So it's protected even if you just tell
the paralegal. So we're about around and not everybody becomes
a client. So this number is not number of paying customers, Okay,
it's people who came to something. People we had conversation
with people, we talked about what is your situation? And
(04:19):
the numbers almost at one hundred and ten thousand, one
hundred ten thousand. Yeah, so that's a lot of people
over you know, thirty five year, will be thirty five
years in about a week or so. So over thirty
five years, one hundred ten thousand people. That's a lot
of people. So when I tell you ninety eight percent,
(04:40):
well I don't mean ninety eight. Could be ninety five,
could be ninety, it could be one hundred. I don't know.
But this is my impression based on one hundred and
ten thousand interactions, almost one hundred ten thousand interactions with
regular folks over the last thirty five years. You know,
probably only about half of those folks. Do we ever
do any legal legal work for right the rest were
(05:03):
you know, we come in, sit down and talk about it,
figure it out. Okay, it can't help you, you don't
want us to help you. That's that's sent up to you, obviously.
But that's a lot of folks. One hundred and ten
thousand and over thirty years and it may actually be
more than that because when I first got started, See,
(05:24):
you can purge your records every once in a while,
and we purged a few thousand after the first five
years or something like that. But this is the system,
the numbering system, and we probably missed some early on
because we didn't you know, when we're doing it by paper,
and then we did do it on paper. Can you
imagine that paper? Wow, I was back in the day,
(05:49):
or maybe it was parchment, I forget which. Anyway, the
point is that that's a lot of folks, and now
we keep track much better than we used to, and
we can go because it's all it's you know, maintained
all of it. So if you came in or your
folks came in thirty years ago, we've got to still
got their documents still scanned in, still all the rest
of that. But but right off the bat, we're first
(06:13):
reorganizing things. Thirty years ago, we we did do a
purge of the files, but we haven't done that in
over thirty years. And so if if you're wondering, did
your folks, if your folks ever came to us, I
mean you're wondering or if you came to us thirty
years ago. We still have your We still have your
(06:35):
stuff all scanned as you can imagine. We hope it's
still there. We expect it, you know, because we we
took all those paper files. You would not believe. We
had storage areas, We rented separate offices just to keep
track of all that stuff, all the all the paper.
(06:56):
It's just amazing how much paper there is. And then
if you ever printed it out, you know, if you're
printed out, just how much the paper equivalent would be
to keep all the different versions of documents, to keep
the drafts and everything. Because we keep all that stuff,
you know, it's it's easy to do, so you can
see the progression on somebody's thought process as you're as
(07:17):
you're going through. So anyway, that's a lot of folks.
So that's where my statistics come from come from talking
to literally over one hundred thousand, over one hundred thousand
folks over thirty years. So you know, it's not a
you know, it's not a scientific study. But like, for example,
(07:37):
one of the things I'm concerned about, like, oh, we
also deal with real estate and business law, so we
have a question about that seven seven four twenty four
twenty four. That's six one, six seven seven four twenty
four twenty four. Give us a call. Now here's the thing.
It's so, this is why I'm saying what I'm saying.
Thirty five years of watching this, I'd be surprised if
(07:58):
this was the year that then broke. But it might,
but I don't expect it to. You put off having
the conversation with your parents or your spouse or your
loved one or whoever it was. You know that they
need assistance. You know that, all right, And you put
(08:19):
it off because, oh, it's Thanksgiving. You I don't want
to ruin Thanksgiving. And it's Christmas. You want to put
off Christmas? And then New Year's. New Year's is a stretch, Okay,
who cares about the Clark anyway? New Year's rock and
Eves always boring and it's stupid. But you want to
watch the ball dropt one more time? Okay? Fine? And
(08:42):
now in January you're going to have the conversation. And
right now, long term care facility tend to be, you know,
kind of sucking win there a little bit. It tends
to be not so busy. It's going to get rocking
in January and February. That's just what I've seen over
the you know, over the years, is that lots and
(09:04):
lots of folks, you know, start looking because why because
you put off the conversation as long as you possibly could,
and now you can't put it off, you can't put
it off anymore, And so we get a lot of inquiries, well,
how do you have a conversation, how do you how
do you talk to people about the long term care
(09:24):
now that you can't put it off anymore? And the
answer is, there's no secret to it. There is no
It's very, very difficult to have that conversation with your
loved one because you're the loved one. Because if you're
the spouse, right, there's all the stuff that goes into
(09:44):
a spousal relationship going on there. You know, Oh, you
said I was crazy since I met you, and now
you know and you have mixed loyalty, you know, should
I do this? Should I do this? I can't believe
you know, So having the conversation with your spouse very
very difficult frequently, and even if you can have the conversation,
(10:06):
even if it seems like you're having a conversation at
the same time, there tends to be aspects of the
conversation which are still very difficult, very difficult, because this
is not an easy thing. This is not flip a switch,
this is not well there's only one way to do it.
There are a lot of different ways to do it.
And you do need to have that conversation. You need
(10:28):
to get it. You need to have the conversation started,
and you need to talk about this stuff. And the
difficulty is not with what you're saying. See, I've seen
these coaches tell you, oh, do it like this, Oh
do it like you know, they'll never see it come
in if you talk about it like this, you know,
and oh, just talk about these other things and then
(10:48):
move over. And it's like, you know, by the time
you're eighty years old, right, for the last fifty years anyway,
and probably sixty years, people have been trying to sell
you stuff, scam me on stuff, and all the rest.
If you think older folks don't understand when they're being
sold something, you need to rethink that they know better
(11:12):
than you do. So when you're trying to ease into
it or whatever, it's going to be difficult. Okay, it
ain't gonna my experience is most of the time it
doesn't work because you're trying not to tell them what
you're trying to tell them, and you're trying to do
it in such a way that they don't realize that
you're not telling them what you're really telling them. Okay,
(11:34):
and you're not good at it. When we get back,
I'll tell you how to do it. You're listening to
the David Carrier Show on David Carrier Your Family's Personal Attorney.
(12:08):
It's come up.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
This hour of the David Carrier Show is pro bono,
so call in now at seven. This is the David
Carrier Show.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Welcome back to the David Carrier Show on David Carrier,
Your Family's Personal Attorney. Now here's the thing question is
how do you have the talk with your folks when
it's difficult to have the talk with your folks And
we're at that time of the year when your excuses
are running out, when you know Christmas is just about over. Well,
(12:41):
Christmas just about here, thanksgivings in the rearview mirror. Recent
Christmas will be then New Year's and now you've got
to do something. You've had to do something. Generally speaking,
you've had to do something for a while. Now now
you're finally going to get down to it, okay, And
the difficult you're gonna have is that you will maybe
(13:04):
listen to some of these youtubes or you know, read
a book somewhere, and oh, here's how you talk to
your parents about this. And there is no good way
to talk to your parents or your loved one or whoever.
There's no good way to do it because it's not
about information. Okay, thirty five years I've been talking about
this stuff. And if people were logical, if people were rational,
(13:27):
if people could just see it right, if you could
just I'd be out of business. Okay, I'd have said
it one time. I'd have recorded something. People would play
the recording and then they would just protect their assets.
Then they would just make sure that their trusts actually worked.
They would make sure that they cared for themselves and
their spouses despite the prevalence of long term care. They
(13:49):
just do it. They would just do it. And you
would also make sure two more things. Number one, you
make sure that your estate plan worked. Number two, you
would make sure that you're that you were protected, you
and your spouse were protected. Number two. Number three, you
would make sure that when you left something to kids,
it would be protected for the kids. It wouldn't go
(14:11):
to their creditors, it wouldn't go to their ex spouse,
it wouldn't go to their ex business partner, it wouldn't
go to student loans. It would go to the kid
for a benefit for potentially lifetime, generational You would do that. Also,
you would take care of your iras in a way
that is an absolutely not guaranteed, but frequently horrific. You
(14:34):
wouldn't do any of those things. And I don't only
have to say it one time, and I don't have
to be here, you know, every morning for the last
god knows how long. I really don't know. I think
it's like eighteen years, nineteen, I don't know. We're around
in it on twenty. But anyway, it's been a long time.
I wouldn't have to keep saying this stuff, okay, but
we human beings, it's not that easy, Okay. I just
(14:57):
had to experience this week. Very smart people, very smart
people right come in and it's like, well, we want
to change this, and I'm like another one of those trusts,
another one of those bargain basement. Oh yeah, yeah, it
doesn't do what's necessary. Look at the powers of attorney.
They don't do what's necessary. And it's like, Okay, here's
(15:19):
the real here's how this actually works. And they say, oh, yeah,
let's do it. Then they come back the next day.
You know, they haven't paid us anything or anything like that.
But you know, then they come back the next day
and it's like, oh, well, you know, we didn't come
in here for this. Yeah, I know, you came in
here to put a patch on a jaloppie. And I'm
(15:40):
telling you, the wheels are about, you know, on it.
It's hard to have to talk. It's hard even for me.
It's difficult to tell folks, Look, this is what's going on.
And you've got the additional burden. You've got the additional
burden of being the loved one. Maybe you're the kid,
(16:03):
maybe you're the spouse, maybe you're the net niece or nephew. Okay,
nobody wants to hear this stuff. It's not popular. I understand.
I chose an area of this profession which is not popular. Okay, well,
too bad. We can still do and have done. I
would say, an awful lot of good. This is. See,
this is the thing if you go to what's unpopular,
(16:26):
what it means is most people are screwing it up.
The other folks are screwing you know, the so called
people who know what's going so called the state planners,
whether they're attorney's, financial advisors, whoever, they're messing it up.
Am I saying they're messing up? Yes, I'm saying they're
messing it up? Yes I am, because thirty five years,
one hundred, ten thousand experiences of looking at families how
this actually works. Now, that's my building, my own credibility.
(16:50):
I've got a reason for saying this stuff because you
see it. You can't you can't deny it if you
don't do very much. You can deny that it happens
all the time, but it happens all all the time.
So you look at it and you say, these are
the things that need to get done. But you can't
just say it. You especially can't just say it because
(17:11):
of the emotional connection whatever. That relationship that you have
with the person is makes it even more difficult, even
more difficult for you to get the message across because
it's filtered by that relationship. If you're trying to tell
your parents what's going on? Right, Well, you're the kid,
(17:32):
the hell do you know? And you say, well, you
know all the success and your parents will brag about
your success. I get that all the time. And if
your advice is consistent with their advice, Like that's what
these folks did. They're like, oh, we talked to our kids,
and our kids say they don't need it. It's like, uh,
you remember the slogan, my favorite slogan, right, which is
(17:54):
screw the kids. You can't be focused on the kids
when you're doing this kind of planning. You have to
be focused on one another, all right. It ain't about
the kids. Hello, wakey, wakey, it ain't about the kids.
It's about you. It's about your spouse. So that when
you have to have that conversation, right, you're ready for it. Right,
(18:15):
you're ready because you already had that conversation. But what
do you do because your parents have been like these folks,
you know, head in the sand, shut their eyes, screw
their eyes tight, stick their fingers in there and start
saying yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not listening. I'm
intentionally not listening. Do you think that's frustrating? Don't put
(18:40):
your hand on the stove. Whooh that was hot. Oh
that's human beings, that's all of us. We all do
that kind of stuff. But how do you get Your
question is practical question is how do you actually get
this ball rolling? And the answer is, number one, you
educate yourself. Number one, you find out. You know, we've
got some videos, we've got you know, you can call
(19:02):
us whatever, but your parents going to have a hard
time hearing it from you. You got to accept that.
And number two, when it gets to all the details,
because this stuff really is, honest to God, it's complicated.
It is complicated stuff. So you know what we do.
We meet with an awful lot of folks. You know,
(19:23):
there's no charge. Come on in and we'll talk to you.
We'll talk to your parents and go over it. Now,
you don't have to do that. You don't have to
do that. Obviously, there's workshops that we do. We do
the Three Secrets workshops all the time. We've got a
lot of family groups coming to the Three Secrets Workshop.
That's a very good way for you to start to
understand what the heck is going on. And then your
(19:46):
drag your folks along because they can hear it from us.
Because we're not the kids. They can hear it from
us because we're not your spouse. We can hear you
can hear it from us. Mixing that up there, but
people can hear it from us because we're sort of neutral.
We don't have that ongoing relationship, right, We don't have
(20:07):
the history. This is why we don't do co trustees,
because kids have history. You've got to break it out
of the history and get down to the reality. And
that's what this is. That's what it's all about. You
need to grind it down. And it's very very difficult
to do that, very difficult, almost impossible, it seems like
(20:28):
to me, uh, to do that when you've got all
that relationship stuff going on. You know you've been listening
to the Davy Carrier Show on David Carrier, your Family's
Personal Attorney.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
You can listening once again with Candy Cans and Sugar
Lanes a Globe listener and listener beautiful.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
David's got the how too you're looking for Just call
seven seven twenty four.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
This is the David Carrier Show.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Well, come back to the David Carrier Show. I'm David Carrier,
your Family's personal Attorney. Today we're talking about how do
you have the talk? It's you know, Christmas is right
around the corner, just a couple of days away. And
for many folks, the third quarter, last quarter eive mean,
the fourth quarter of the year is a difficult time
because you should have had the conversation with your folks,
(21:40):
with the person loved one, whoever it is who's suffering
from the dementia or physical disability or whatever it may
happen to be. Whatever it may be could be physical,
could be mental, could be combination, and you put off
having the conversation, and the reason you do it is
very difficult conversation to have, and they're rarely, again my experience,
(22:02):
rarely successful, simply because of the relationship that you have.
Parents tend to reject information or advice or whatever from
the kids unless it's exactly consistent with what the parents
already wanted to hear. And when you tell mom or dad, uh,
you know, we thought it was hearing loss. That's why
(22:22):
we got to you the hearing aids. But now you
can hear perfectly well. And that's another thing, just a
side note. If you're putting off having hearing aids because
you think people think you're getting older. Right, if you
don't have the hearing aids, they'll think you're losing it. Okay,
get the hearing aids. Get the hearing aids. You know
for crying out loud anyway, but you see that happen.
(22:46):
You see it happen. I mean it's like, oh, no,
parents are having or losing it. And it's like, it's
not no. It's that they either the hearing aids they
have don't work, or they don't have hearing aids. They
can't hear you. It's not that they wouldn't understand if
you told them if they could hear you, they'd be fine,
but they can't hear you. So anyway, just to say,
also see also urinary tract infections, potassium deficiencies. Right, it's
(23:12):
amazing how much how much dementia gets cleared up by
a few bananas, drinking some more water, or getting that
getting that urinary infection looked at. Okay, so so do
all that stuff first, because that's what we're gonna tell you.
I mean, if your calling and say ooh, concerned about
mom and dad, so well come to the workshop, et cetera.
(23:34):
And then when we get into it, it's like Okay,
what is the what's their help? Like, you know, are
you sure it's that because these are things that are
very easily fixable. Look if you can fix it with penicillin,
fix it, because frequently that's the frequently that's a that's
an issue. Anyway, long story short, Now it's not just
(23:56):
that we know. It's not that they're hydrated, they're you know, everything, okay,
but it's not okay and we're having and we're having
the issues. Okay.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Fine.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
This is where like things like the Alzheimer's Association and
other folks like that are really really helpful because if
you go there, if you go there, they can say
the things that people can't hear from you. We do
the same thing, but with us, it's more of a
it's not so much the mental health support. That's not
(24:29):
what we do, all right. What we do is make
sure that whatever you've got is there. We're more on
the financial support side of things, more on the how
do we get additional services for you side of things.
That's where that's where we help out. Okay, that's that's
our aspect. Anyway. If you have a question about any
of us six one, six, seven, seven, four twenty four
(24:51):
twenty four. That's sixty one six seven seven four twenty
four twenty four will get your question, comment or concern
on the air. So how do you have the talk
when the relationship makes it very difficult. I've said it
before in the show when my mom had the dementia,
and Okay, now's the time to talk to dad about
how we're going to get this done? Right? Well, you
(25:11):
put it off and put it off and put it off.
And finally he calls me when he gets the nursing
home bill, you know, which is like a significant fraction
of what he's got in savings, and it's like, what
are we going to do now? Because this is the
first one and there's a whole stream coming and I'm like,
don't worry about it because remember we did that trust
ten years ago. Ya da da da dah. Okay, are
(25:34):
you sure is this legal? Are you sure this is legal?
Is this really okay? Can you really do this? You know?
That's my own father, Thank you, dav Anyway, the point is,
why would he would he say that to an unrelated lawyer. No,
he would not. He would he would know, you know,
especially if guy's been around for a while, he would
know that that's okay. That yeah, we're not telling you
(25:56):
stuff that doesn't work, that hasn't worked for lots of folks.
But I'm his kid and because I'm his kid, man,
well that's the thing. So how do we do it?
We say, well, come to the workshop, bring the whole family,
you know, bring the whole family, bring everybody, everybody, and
we really encourage that, frankly and everybody who might want. See,
(26:21):
here's the thing, right, you don't want to do this,
you don't want to do it, you hate the whole thing,
you don't want to talk to me, you don't want
to do your estatement. You don't want to do it.
You don't and you're going to look for any excuse
not to do it because that's what you've been doing.
And you know this is true for the last twenty
thirty years since oh yeah, yeah. It's like going to
(26:43):
the dentist, right, but you don't have a toothache, So
why should go to the dentist. I don't have a toothache?
What's the problem? And with state planning, with older law,
you're not going to have a toothache until someone's in
long term care. And an awful lot of folks come
in at that time get the diagnosis when you get
the placement, So that's what brings that's what finally, you know,
(27:06):
raises the pain level to the point where you actually
come on in, but you could do it a lot easier.
That's why we do the workshops. That's why we do
the other events that we've got. Last last week, last Thursday,
so we had over two hundred folks at the you know,
our Red Wagon Club members, our other clients for our
(27:28):
Christmas thing and you know, yeah, it was fun. It
was lunch, it was snacks, it was others, you know,
giveaways and you know a bunch of stuff going on
and you get to look at the Christmas trees, tour
through the gardens and sculpture park. Yeah, that's all great,
that's all wonderful. You get to talk to the people
you met the last time. You know, a lot of
(27:49):
who had a number of folks who were you know
who came up and you know, just talking and you know,
met some new folks and how cool it was to
find out was you know, what was going on and
how what their experiences were. So very you know, kind
of a positive thing. Once you break the ice. Once
it's not the kids or the family members telling you
(28:11):
what to do, but when everybody hears it. You see,
that's why it's important to get as many family members
to the workshop as you can, so that everybody's talking
about the same thing. Not what you remember about what
we said, because human beings being human beings, you don't
retain most of it. But when you're there, and you
(28:32):
know what I love the most, absolutely love the most,
is when the skeptical kid comes to a workshop or
it comes to the meeting. Absolutely love the skeptical kid
who thinks we're trying to pull them all over somebody's
eyes or what. They start asking the hard question what
they think are the they really? Do they really? Ah?
(28:53):
I got you now. My financial advisor says this, Zenzo
says that, and I'm like, okay, here's why they think that.
Here's how this all works. Oh. I love the skeptical
love them. You know, does this really work or whatever?
It's like, well, yeah, and here's how it works. Okay.
But that's where, in my humble opinion, you need a
(29:15):
third party. That's a function that we play a lot
because people can hear it from us, but they can't
hear it from you and has nothing to do with
what you're saying. If I swear to God, if I
had a nickel for every time a wife elbowed the
husband when we're talking about a state planning right or
any of this stuff, and I am there goes the
elbow because she's been saying it. And sometimes it goes
(29:39):
the other way. But guys don't elbow their wives. Women
wives will you know, see it boom, it goes the elbow.
But but guys, guys more look and again don't hold
me a percentages on this, but the guys look at
the look at the wife with the puppy dog. Guys
you know what I mean, because they've been saying this
(30:01):
right along. I'm just you know, it just so happens
that now I'm saying what they've been saying and they
look at the weather of them, you know, because they
don't know that anyway. The point is when you get
to that situation where your loved one is finally listening,
(30:23):
accept the win. It's really important, I think psychologically, if
you've been saying this stuff forever in a day right
to somebody and they hear it for the first time,
but they only hear it because it's me or one
of the other lawyers apparently is whoever is saying it
to them. Okay, that's a win, that's a win. Okay,
(30:44):
take the win. Take it. Accept it. Yes, you were
right all the time. Yes, it should have been done whatever,
Who cares, that's the past, that's the rearview, mirror. Accept
the win. They're doing it now. Okay, moving ahead, head now,
making good things happen. Now take it. Yes, you were
(31:04):
right a long time ago. If only they had listened. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it doesn't matter because you can't change it. I can't
do anything about it other than, as I keep saying, rejoice, celebrate,
accept it, and now move forward in a very positive
and a positive direction. That's the key we can help.
(31:27):
And it's not because we're so smart. It's not because
new information, is not because any of that. It's because
we're not you. And that's the biggest that's the biggest difference.
We don't have that pre existing history, and that makes
all the difference. Frequently you've been listening to the David
Carrier Show on David Carrier, your family's personal.
Speaker 4 (31:49):
Acernel had taken your goals. Now this is a car Show.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Welcome back to the David Carrier Show. On David Carrier.
Your family's personal attorneys say, well, why should we have
to talk anyway? You know, why why do we need
to have the you know, the long term care talk
to dementia talk? Why why don't you just let it go,
just keep letting it go. Number to call six one
six seven seven four twenty four twenty four. That's six
(32:42):
one six seven seven four twenty four twenty four. And
he answered a couple of answers to that question. Actually,
I mean it's a serious question. You know, if someone
suffering from dementia, you should do something about it. Why. Well,
I mean, I think nationally, I don't think i'm being whatever.
I mean, we see what happens when people cover up
(33:04):
for somebody who's suffering from the dementia. Okay, it's not
a good thing. They don't get better. People don't get
better from dementia, if that's what it is. Now, Like
I say, if it's a uti potassium hearing aids, let's
fix that. Yeah, good good, let's keep going. But here's
the key. An awful lot of folks, and this is
(33:25):
really you know, if you're going to have the conversation.
Why do we have to go to the lawyer's office,
Why do we have to talk to these people, whether
it's Alzheimer's or whoever. Why do I have to do that?
I'm fine? And the answer is the answer that you
need to know. Why it's important for you to do
it is because most people would rather not go to
an assisted living facility, a long term care facility, a
(33:48):
skilled nursing facility. Most people don't want to do that.
Most people would rather stay at home. Most people who've
got savings, who've been hard working Americans and everything else. Right,
you've done it all, you're doing it right. Good, you saved,
you built, you did all those good things. Well, you'd
rather not see all your money fly out the window
(34:11):
at ten thousand a month or thirteen or eighteen, god forbid,
at some of the skilled nursing facilities. You'd rather not
that that not happened. Plus, you can't afford it. You
can't even imagine how this would work anyway, understood. The
good news is. The good news is that for almost everybody,
not everybody, but an awful lot of folks, vast majority
(34:32):
of people right can qualify for at home care for assistance.
So are the ideal client for this absolutely avatar client
is the married couple. Married couple right who living at
home and one spouse has been enabling the other spouse
(34:56):
to stay at home and pretend that everything's okay when
you know that it really isn't. This also works for
single people, but the married couple is the amusing them
and as an example, because we can do the most
good with single people. Still good, still good, don't get
me wrong. I mean there's still a lot of things
we can do. But for the married couple where see,
(35:17):
Because here's the thing. If you're single, other people are
helping you out. If you're married, it's probably your spouse
is your primary caregiver, right, and they'll kill themselves before
they'll let you go to a long term care facility
until they actually do kill themselves from exhaustion and everything else.
At forty fifty percent of the time, it's the caregiver
dies first. Hello, wakey, wakey, the caregiver dies first. Well,
(35:40):
if the caregiver dies, what's happened to the care receiver?
What's happened to the person who's receiving the care What
do you think happens off to the long Well wait
a second, I thought that's what we were trying to
avoid here. Yes, and the good news is, and this
is all good news. Your finances for the vast majority
(36:00):
of people, finances can stay intact. Now you have to
do it correctly. You have to do it right. Okay,
we've been doing it right for thirty years. So do
it right. Maintain your financial stability, your financial wherewithal Okay,
it's not for free to get it done, but you
can get it done. And now up to five days
(36:24):
a week. This is the PACE program program of all
inclusive Care for the elderly in Kent County. These are
the people who built the new facility in Lowell, so
it's more convenient for people in Ionia County, all right,
and then you know Northeast Kent County, East Kent County.
So this is a real thing. It's been around since
(36:46):
the sixties. Hello, it's been around. Nobody knows about it.
I'm saying it one more time. Why do you have
to have the talk? You have to have the talk
because especially you know, if dad's got the dementia, is
covering for dad? Okay, Mom is doing all kinds of things.
Worry et cetera, et cetera, that she's not getting over
(37:08):
all right, and you can see it, and maybe you
can't see it, but you should look for it. And
what mom can get is five days a week back
thanks to Pace. Pace will come out to the personal hygiene.
Mom's not very good at wrestling Dad into the shower anyway,
but now mom's got a whole system of support. Dad's
(37:30):
got a place to go. Up to five days a week,
could be one day a week, could be every other week,
all right, most folks, it's a few days a week
for most folks, right, But Pace does everything. Pace pays
for everything, all the procedures, all the medical supplies, all
the pharmacy. There's no copay, there's no donut hole, there's
(37:53):
no you know hs. They just pay for everything because
what it does is it replaces, replaces for most, not everybody,
about five percent maybe when out of twenty may at
some point need residential care, especially if the spouse dies,
and that seems to be the thing. It's when the
(38:13):
spouse dies and you really can't maintain. But if your
life savings are intact, okay, instead of being decimated. Number one,
your caregiver isn't going to die first more than likely
because they're not exhausted. Okay, they've actually got some help,
they've got a day off, they can they can deal
with that. Okay, your spouse is being well cared for, right,
(38:39):
You've got to break you know. Here's the thing when
your Karen, think about this, when your kids were little, right,
how often did you go off on your spouse? Right?
I mean remember you're like exhausted and all that kind
of stuff. Well, you're older now, and it's not your kids,
which I hope are going to grow up and be better.
(39:00):
It's your spouse. And there's no there's no positive to this. Okay,
it's just going down. It's it's very difficult, very difficult.
Lighten the load, you know, I mean it was it
Saint Sebastian got hit with the arrows or whatever, you know,
and just kept taking it. You don't have to keep
(39:22):
taking it. And one of the reasons a lot of
people will do this the caregiver's spouse won't reach out
for help. I can do it, I can do it,
I can do it right. And they're also looking ahead
too well, if you know, if they're in long term
care and our financial stability our financial security is gone,
(39:42):
then what are we going to do. You can have
financial security, you can get the help, but you have
to have the talk. And that's what the workshops are brought.
Bring the kids, kids, bring mom and dad, come yourself,
Come yourself first and foremost, find out what it's all about. Okay. Knowledge,
information is the as possible thing you can do. I
(40:03):
don't know how many times you have to say it.
I'll keep on saying it, but you know, one foot
in front one radio show in front of the other.
We'll keep talking about it because once you have the
information right, it may be difficult to hear. It is
difficult to hear it is. There's no question about it.
And there's a million voices you know, who say, oh,
(40:24):
it's not necessarily you put it off, put it off,
put it off. Well, we're at the time of year
when people finally are looking at the wall. They can't
put it off anymore. Okay, that'll happen after January. First,
all the major holidays be gone. You know, I don't
know anybody who puts it off for Saint Patrick's Day.
So put it off for Thanksgiving, in Christmas, for New
(40:46):
Year's Yeah, but come to new Year. You got to
get the thing done. Just come to a workshop, call
the office, go to the website David Carrier Law dot com.
And you don't have to use us. You'd be really
smart if you did. But you don't have to. I mean,
and there's other there's other sources to help out there,
Alzheimer's Association, for example. All right, there's other ways to
get help. But come to the workshop. We will tell
(41:09):
you that that's the Three Secrets workshop, and we will
tell you they're not really secret. It's just that nobody
ever talks about them. Well, we talk about them, find out,
get the information, and then then decide. But but nine
times out of ten, that's what you mean in order
to move ahead positively in the new year. Okay, Even
(41:31):
listening to the David Carrier Show, I'm David Carrier, your
family's personal attorney.
Speaker 1 (41:38):
Just hear the slave jingling ring Je dinglingtos lovely with
you right.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
Outside.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Stuff
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