A Cop and a Solo Dad, Henare's Story

Lynda Chanwai-Earle meets a Wellington police constable who has been a solo dad full-time since his son was five.

In episode four of Flying Solo, Lynda Chanwai-Earle meets a Wellington police constable who has been a solo dad full-time since his son was five.

Henare Jones* will never forget the birth of his son Tama* sixteen years ago; it was an emergency c-section, very stressful. So what was it like holding your son for the first time?

"It was surreal. He looked like a raisin, so fragile. He sat on my forearm, he was so tiny."

Out of concern for their families we've agreed to change the names of the father and son in this episode, but their story is as real as it gets.

What does it mean to be a solo-parent?

For Henare, it's all about Tama. Surrounded by sporting trophies at their large, comfortable and spotless family home in Wellington, Henare takes me back to where it all started - with Tama's mum.

The couple had already separated when she told him she was pregnant. Henare agreed to stay by her side to bring up their child as co-parents. He got to name their son so long as he was at her "beck and call." Which meant going to everything; antenatal classes, doctor's visits, supermarket runs and, of course, the birth.

From the moment he was born, Henare craved the connection with his baby boy. Tama's mother began with 100% care of her son but she struggled with post-natal depression, so Henare stepped in.

Plunket estimates around 13 percent of new mothers suffer from clinical depression sometime in the first year of their baby's life.

Henare's family is one of over 200,000 sole-parent families in New Zealand. The 2013 census recorded that almost 85 percent of single parents were women; only 15 percent men. Of those sole parents, one-third work full-time.

That's hard enough, juggling full-time work with childcare. But dangerous, 24/7, frontline police work is something else again, especially for a single-parent. That's why Henare, who's Maori and in his 40s, gave up frontline work to become a Youth Aid Officer with schools in the Wellington region.

"Tama's mother just didn't like the idea of me being a police officer. She liked the idea of the job but not the reality, the dangers of being frontline. It was too stressful for her."

Working out childcare arrangements became a struggle in those early years. So Henare was faced with his toughest choice, and decided to go to the Family Court to request 100% legal guardianship of Tama, who then was still a pre-schooler.

At the first of six mediation sessions supplied by the Family Court, Tama's mother admitted she was a career woman and that motherhood was a struggle…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details