April 28, 2025 • 40 mins
Gabby Bernstein is the kind of person you mention in a group chat and instantly get five voice notes back saying, “Oh my God, she changed my life.”
She’s Oprah-approved, a New York Times best-selling author many times over, a spiritual teacher and the voice behind the wellness movement that’s got us all manifesting, journaling and choosing our battles. In this episode of MID, Holly sat down with Gabby to talk about feeling stuck, dealing with change, and the relentless voice in your head, you know the one, the inner critic.
If you’re looking for some clarity, a push to change things that aren't working for you, or just a little positivity, this conversation is for you.
Gabby Bernstein is touring the country in May follow the links here get tickets for Sydney, Melbourne or Brisbane.
Order Gabby's latest book, Self Help: This Is Your Chance to Change Your Life here and get a free gift! Follow Gabby on Instagram and try her gabby coaching membership app for free here.
Or, you can learn about Gabby's 21 day challenge here.
CREDITS:
Host: Holly Wainwright
Guest: Gabby Bernstein
Executive Producer: Naima Brown
Senior Producer: Grace Rouvray
Producer: Tahli Blackman
Audio Producer: Jacob Round
Mamamia acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Land we have recorded this podcast on, the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation. We pay our respects to their Elders past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
You're listening to Amma Mia podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Mamma Mere acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters
that this podcast is recorded on. There's a part of
me that hates my guts, yells at me from dusk
till dawn. She thinks I'm lazy and scattered, messy and chaotic,
that it's only a matter of time until I'm exposed
(00:33):
a fraud. She knows if you're opening my wardrobe, my
life will fall out. That under my bed dust and
cobwebs are fighting. She thinks this intro is clumsy and unclear,
that this interview had too much gosh. She knows I
shouted at my son last week and that my book
missed its deadline. She wonders aloud why I can't stay
(00:54):
away from bread, and taps pointedly at the gym timetable
on the fridge, asking if it can still be valid
if it's from twenty twenty three. She whispers in my
ear about that dumb thing I said to my mate
at work and how it hurt her feelings. She knows
I didn't post a card for my dad's last birthday
and that text messages just aren't the same. She settles
(01:17):
into the seat beside me when I sit down and
put my fingers on the keys, and she leans over
and looks up into my face.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
What have you got to say? Hey? She asks?
Speaker 2 (01:28):
What's interesting about you?
Speaker 1 (01:31):
And I?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Who's been working out how to knock her off that
chair for years? Try a new thing. I put my
arm around her, pull her in as her grimace twists,
and ask, what do you need buddy?
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Hello?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
I'm Holly Waynwright and I am mid midlife, mid family,
mid search. Have you found yourself adding another woo to
your wu lately? Maybe you're putting out your crystals to
charge on a full moon, setting a mantra to set
your day outright, making time to meditate, journaling for God's sake.
(02:08):
Maybe you're doing none of them, but you're wondering why
suddenly all your mates are. Maybe it's because the world
seems out of control. Maybe it's because it seems that
something we might have a handle on is whisper it
our energy and where we choose to put it anyway,
out of all that, we want some answers, yes, some positivity,
(02:31):
And I know the woman who's bringing that energy by
the bucket load. Gabby Bernstein is a big deal Oprah. Yes,
Oprah has called her a significant spiritual thought leader. Her
books and videos and courses are read and watched by millions.
Her new book, Self Help is just her latest New
(02:51):
York Times bestseller. And when I told some of my
friends that I was talking to her, they lost their minds.
Her words had helped them, you see, let go of things,
trust in others, and negative attitude something difficult they're trying
to move through. So when I knew I was going
to be sitting down with Gabby today, all the way
(03:11):
over in New York, I wanted to bring her some
problems of my own. Sorry, I mean of our own
feeling stuck, dealing with big changes, wondering what the hell's next.
And yes, I did ask for a little therapy session
on what to do with that damn critical part of
myself that won't shut up. I call her Hannah, and
(03:33):
she can be a bitch. But first I told Gabby
what my friends said about her. Gabby, I've been talking
to people who feel like their lives have been changed
by your work, and they tell me a few things.
But here's what they tell me. The loudest they say,
she lets me know it's going to be Okay, that's
(03:53):
so nice. I know, how do you react to that?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Well, I love that you started there. I really appreciate
you starting there. I actually feel like I needed to
hear that today. Oh, if that makes sense to you,
because I think with all the stuff that's happening with
AI and sort of like I'm not even dipping my
toes and I'm diving in head first because we have
(04:18):
to write this is where we are. I think it's
brought up so much of this sort of like existential
crisis around like well, what will my work mean to
anyone when it can be replicated in all these ways,
and like how will it have an impact?
Speaker 1 (04:30):
And I needed to kind.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Of remember that in all the different forms this work comes,
whether it's through a book or an audio or an
AI bot, whatever it's going to be, it's it's helping people.
So that's the whole thing, you know. So I'm really
grateful for you reflecting that back to me today.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Thank you, And what I'd love to do given that,
and if you're happy to talk about how that might
look for some of our listeners who aren't necessarily as
familiar with your work, but a lot of the listeners
to mid them going through a lot of stuff they
may have. We call it sometimes in midlife collision. I
know you'd be very familiar with this way. Suddenly maybe
your marriage is ended, maybe you've lo your job, maybe
(05:10):
you've got hormone stuff going on, or a diagnosis or
a loss, and it can feel really hard. And I thought,
if it's all right with you, I'd love to ask
you for a couple of kind of practical tips that
our listeners could could tap into a bit of that
It's going to be okay, Gabby energy.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
I'm not Yeah, it's going to be okay, Gabby energy.
It's going to be okay. I really like that for
a book title, it's going to be okay. I might
have to.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Well, it's yours friend, because that's what That's what they
were saying about you.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
It's really nice to hear that what you just said.
It really it really means a lot to me. So
I'm no stranger to the meltdown moments, whether it's the
mid life moments or the just sort of general meltdown moments.
And for me recently was my menopausal journey of forty four,
going in like skydiving into menopause.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
I don't get I don't get the easy road. I
get the tsunamis is. But my girl friends say, they're like, oh,
you get the tsunamis.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
So but it was kind of a blessing to have
my hormones just sort of like disappear overnight because and frankly,
I'm sure I was in perimenopause since I was thirty five.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
I just didn't know, right.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
I was taking all my eggs and I was pumping
them all out in my late thirties trying to get
a baby, and you know, it was just a lot
of the things we do. So I've been in this
moment of a transition of sort of everything being up
in the air, and the way that I trusted that
everything was going to be okay was knowing and remembering
the resilience I'd had in the past, because all of
(06:45):
our life experience provides us with the felt sense of memory,
the muscle memory of knowing that we can survive, and
so recognizing that my past experiences of survival we're going
to hold me as I carried into these new ones.
And in those moments, maybe it's not lay or death,
(07:07):
but it still feels like it is right. So you know,
if you've lost the partner, or you're a diagnosis, or
you're skydiving into menopause, whatever that might be, you feel
like this is it, Like I'm really it's all consuming.
And so I think that the proof that we've recovered
in the past, we've survived through many things that we've
lived to tell, is actually such a great remembrance that
(07:29):
it's going to be okay. And then leaning into that proof,
relying on the tools that worked, making a commitment to
lean into those tools is really how we build the
muscle of resilience.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
So it's sort of the strength and smarts that got
you to hear you can tap into them to get
you from here.
Speaker 3 (07:50):
And also just the psychologic call it spiritual proof, right,
So it's the proof that I'm strong, the proof that
I'm resilient, the proof that I'm aligned, that I'm guided,
that I'm not alone, that I have tools, that I
have support. It's what we have to rely on in
those moments.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
The other thing that listeners often say to me at
this point is they say, I feel stuck. Stuckness is
a big thing, right. It isn't necessarily that you've been
had a big change, but you just feel like you're
not living the way you want to. I know this
is something you're very good at talking about, of course,
but you know people depend on you. You're comfortable, if
(08:34):
not happy, but you feel stuck. What's a great tip
for getting unstuck?
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Well, I would often say that the best first step
to getting unstuck is to recognize the beliefs that are
blocking you. Because the reason you're stuck is not necessarily
because of an outside circumstance, but often because of an
internal belief system. And so it's about healing the beliefs
that hold us in the patterns that we get stuck in.
(09:02):
So this actually really a lot of the practices that
we'll talk about about my latest book is self Help
is undoing and unburdening yourself of the beliefs that have
kept you so stuck in the first place. And the
stuckness is patterns. It's behaviors, it's beliefs, it's limitations, it's
protection mechanisms. And so when we start to become curious
(09:23):
about those parts of ourselves that are keeping us stuck,
we start to give energy and access to those parts
of ourselves and we start to feel more safe inside,
then we have the courage to start to create change.
But that courage doesn't come unless we tend to the
parts of ourselves that are inside that are so burdened
with these beliefs.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Do you think that sometimes when you're in that state
of knowing that things aren't right and you're not living
quite the way you want to, it's hard to know
if you're on the right path or what the right
path even is to set before you start doing the work.
I've heard you say, ask yourself, how do you want
to feel? Yeah, tell me about the power of that question.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
So ofttimes we'll think, look, I need this thing to
get to where I want to be right, So if
I have that outcome, then i'll be safe or have
that next that reassurance, or that whatever it might be.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
None of us can rely on outcomes anymore. We're living
in a very.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
Shaky time with a lot of powerlessness, and so we
have to really just rely on the feelings that we
have the power over, which is which is what we
think and how we feel. And so by by saying okay,
instead of focusing on that next accomplishment or that outside
circumstance to give me direction, Focus on how you want
(10:42):
to feel, focus on the sensations.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Inside that you want to wake up to.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
For me, I want to feel physically strong. I want
to feel calm in my body. I want to feel resourced.
I want to feel powerful. I want to feel clear.
And with all those clear I can I can almost
even visualize the feelings as I talk about them. I
(11:09):
can lean into that knowing and that clarity, and then
wake up each day leaning into those desired feelings. And
so when you know how you want to feel, you
know where you want to go.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
After the break, we dive into the little voice inside
my head, not the critical one, the kind one, and
how to find the courage to listen to it so
to self help. One of the things that I particularly
love about your story, and I've been obviously immersing myself
the last few days in particular, is that you've talked
about it lots of time, so we don't have to
(11:45):
do that at all. But in your mid twenties, you
are struggling with addiction. You describe you're at a rock
bottom and you asked for help, and a strong inner
voice or maybe out of voice, told you get clean
and you'll live a life beyond your wildest dreams. First
of all, before we start talking about this particular book,
do you believe that we can all tap into a
(12:05):
voice like that that really knows what we need to do?
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Of course I do.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Yeah, how can you be quiet enough to listen? Well?
Speaker 3 (12:17):
The practice of becoming quiet enough to listen is a
devotional practice, of tuning in, of strengthening your faith through
spiritual practice, through maybe even a religious practice, whatever it
is that you are drawn to, it's about mindfully slowing down. So,
(12:38):
whether it be a meditative practice or a prayer practice,
or a physical activity even you know, I hear my
connection to inner wisdom and spirit when I'm walking, when
I'm in nature. I walk every day and I feel
oftentimes like angelic energy around me when I'm walking. And
(12:59):
the reason stillness is the access to the divine. Stillness
is the access to the spiritual realm. The reason is
that our human resonance, like the vibration that we function
at to live in this world, is not the same
frequency as the spiritual realm. And so if you want
to call it inner guidance or a spiritual voice or
(13:22):
the voice of God or universal wisdom, I don't really
care what you call it, the care that you call
upon it. And when we're living in this world of
phrenetic energy, we're misaligned with the frequency of the universe,
with the frequency of spirit. And so through when we
still our mind and when we calm our nervous system
(13:42):
and we settle our energetic being, our energy begins to
vibrate at a new frequency, and the same frequency starts
to line up with the frequency of the universe. So
that lining up is what stillness does for us. And
so we get in tune, right, So you see, my
hands are kind of going like this. It's like we're
here and the spiritual realm is here, and we start
to rest and become more at ease, and then we
(14:05):
attune to it. It's literally like a pitchfork, okay. And
when we get attuned to that energy, then a portal
opens and we start to believe the wisdom that we're hearing.
We start to trust the sensations or the voice, or
the direction, or the inner wink right, or the synchronicity
or the written word if we'rescribing in that state, and
(14:28):
so that's where messages can come to us, Guidance can
come to us, direction can come to us. We can
feel a presence of a spiritual energy and entity around
us that we know that we're not alone, and that's
really that's all that is real. That's all that is real,
that connection.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
It can take courage to be ready to hear that, right,
because we push away those voices a lot, don't you think,
in the hustle of all the things we've got to do.
So there's the courage to go. It's not necessarily going
to be easy. Certainly wasn't easy for you. I'm sure
when your voice is saying get.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Clean, well, when they're saying I mean it is. So.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
There are spiritual guides. I believe in angels. It's whatever
you choose to believe in. But you could be hearing
lots of different guidance systems, and for many people it
might just be more comfortable to say my inner wisdom
or God.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Right, But again, I don't care what you call it.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Yeah, call upon it as you say. Yeah, you need
to be brave enough to be ready to act on
what they're going to tell you. And when you're at
that state where you know you need help, that's a
time when a lot of people might discover.
Speaker 3 (15:38):
This, right, Yeah, it's when we hit bottom that really
the wound is the place where the light enters you,
as Rumy says, So when we have our moments of
hitting a bottom, there's a cracking open to a surrendered state,
and in that surrendered state, we become much more receptive
(16:00):
to the wisdom beyond our logical mind.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Friends, you're about to hear some discussion about Gabby's book
Self Help, which then around a type of therapy called
internal family systems, and I wanted to jump into our
conversation to just explain it a little bit so that
it all makes sense when we're talking about it. In
its most basic form. IFS, as they call it, is
like inside out, a theory that we're made up of
(16:27):
lots of different parts. So in inside out, our girl's
head is filled with these anthropomorphised feelings anxiety, anger, etc.
In IFS, same idea, but these characters are our parts.
You might have a part, for example, who is incensed
by rule breaking, a part who's hyper vigilant about the
health of your loved ones, a part that's a control freak,
(16:49):
a part that pulls you back just before you try
too hard for something you really want. In IFS, the
idea is these parts need to be addressed, not pushed aside,
but invited to the table and asked what it is
they need, while also having the steering wheel gently removed
from their hands and put back in your own your
(17:10):
selves hands, who is calm and mature and knows what's best.
That is my very amateur interpretation of IFS. But as
you hear Gabby speak more about it, it'll make more
sense back to her. What I particularly love about this
story is that because you're such a seeker and you've
(17:31):
from there built this amazing career and business and life
teaching sharing these ideas, but you write and self help,
that the extraordinary success came at a cost and you
had to deal with another kind of addiction in a way.
Tell me about your workaholic, because I loved reading the
beginning of self Help you talk about sitting down to
write the book. Sorry, I'm holding it in my hand.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
I love all the post and notes you.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Are talking about sitting down to write the book, and
this is a common experience of writers. I'm a writer myself.
Where you're the first thing that happens is your mind
is saying who do you think you are? Basically I'm
paraphrasing you. Who do you think you are to write
this book? You know you have trained in internal family systems,
which is what this book is about largely, But you're like,
(18:16):
who do I think I am? You're not good enough
to do this? Like you've got that chat that is
somebody I'm very familiar with, and you talk about what
you did to overcome that. Can you tell that story?
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (18:29):
So when I sat down to write self Help, it
was my tenth book, so.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
It wasn't my first rodeo.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
And I was trained in this model of a therapy
that I had practiced with my own therapist for a
nearly a decade at that time.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
And then I.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Went on to get trained in this therapy and then
I beat very very clearly, felt lined up to write
about it, democratize it, turn it into a self help
practice with the blessing of the founder of the therapy.
His name is doctor Richard Schwartz. He gave me his
blessing to do that, to make it self help, he
writes the introduction. Yes, he does. And so I had
(19:08):
the permission, I had the book contract, I had the training,
I had the experience of living it, and I sat
down to write the book, and the imposter, the voice
of I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Who am I to write this book?
Speaker 3 (19:23):
You're not a therapist, You're not this, You're not that
started to flood me. And so very quickly I began
to apply the tool that I was sitting down to
write about to myself. And I share the story of
how I chose to check in with that voice, that
part of me that was so afraid to write the book.
(19:44):
And as I started to check in and become curious,
I noticed where it was in my body, and I
noticed where I felt it in my jaw, and I
noticed where it was in my heart. And then I
became more curious and knew that it had been around
for a long time and it was the little girl
that was that she was stupid and just kept checking
in and checking in. And then I became curious and
I asked the part what it needed, and the part
that part of me said, believe in me, believe in me.
(20:07):
And then another voice started to come in that is
the voice of my higher self, myself or the capital
s maybe the inner wisdom or the spiritual connection. And
that voice is self started to speak to me and
say or not speak to me. Just the presence of
self came through, and it was this inner healer coming
through saying.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yeah, of course you can do this, this is your job.
You got this.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
And that process of choosing to check in, becoming curious,
compassionately connecting and asking what do you need and then
noticing the shifts of self come through. Those four steps
are the crux of the book. That's the self help
check in. And self is what is our inner wisdom
or our higher self or the presence of the God
(20:52):
within us. The spirit within us self is compassionate energy,
connected energy, clear energy, courageous energy, confident energy. And so
this whole book is about letting these energies to self
help these younger parts ourselves that are so stuck.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
So for the listener who's stuck, this is your book.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Yeah, this is your book. Because one of the things
that I particularly and I know a little bit about
ifs myself, but you explain it so brilliantly here. But
I think that if you don't understand that, the difference
is when you're sitting there, whatever project it is, or
whatever part of your life that in a critic is
coming at you and telling you not good enough. The
(21:35):
temptation is push her away, shut her up, right, That's
what I have always done, has been like why am
I thinking like that? And then the critic almost becomes
part of the problem. But what ifs is saying, and
what you're saying is don't push her away and shut
her up, check in with her and have compassion.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
Yes, when we feel triggered for whatever reason it might be,
we will do whatever it takes to shut down the trigger.
So the trigger is a young, young part of ourselves, right,
It's a wounded part that feels inadequate or unlovable. And
so what we'll do is we'll start protecting against that feeling.
And that's where these protector parts come in. And the
protector parts are like I'm going to the yours would
(22:15):
be saying shut up, shut up, going going right.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
That's like a shunning protector.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
Or maybe my be controlling or fighting back or raging
or overworking or over drinking or overeating, will over things
to not have to feel those deeper wounds, and so
we check out instead of checking in, and so self
help the practice is about choosing to check inside instead
of checking out. With these protection mechanisms, and so we
(22:41):
check in with the protection mechanisms so that it can
feel like it can relax, and when it relaxes, then
we can let that young part of us, all these
young parts of us inside know that there's more safety
inside and that they don't have to be so activated.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
And the parts are in this system are given names.
So you have, as I mentioned before, I was really
interested when you talked about your workaholic part. That has
obviously been of great use to you in building your
business to where it is, but you've learned to have
a different relationship with her. Now can you tell me
(23:17):
a bit about that.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Yes, so I've named my parts. You don't have to,
but it's nice to do.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I think it's helpful.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
It is.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
We have lots of different protection mechanisms. And you've probably
said many times before a part of me gets really
activated when this happens, or a part of me rages
when my husband says this, or part of me part
of me. You know, all these kinds of messages. And
so for me, you know, I have a lot of
different parts. One of them was a workaholic at the time.
And what happens when we start to do some connecting
to these parts of ourselves is that we start to
(23:44):
recognize that they actually were just there protecting us. And
so while they might have been in extreme roles, they
also probably did a lot of good for us.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
And for the world or for whatever happens in us.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
So I look at my workaholic part now that it's
now that I've healed, and I can say.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Oh, yeah, you were working real hard to.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Try to to try to fight against that suffering inside.
But also I can look at her and say, okay,
but you also wrote ten books in fourteen years and
helped a lot of people, And so I can see
that while the part was extreme and creating a lot
of chaos in my body and in my life and
in my relationships, it also did a lot of good.
(24:29):
And now the good news is is that that part
can do its great work in such a less extreme
way because it's connected to self.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
So the idea is not at all to get rid
of these parts of you, to sort of shed them
as if you're going to just be self.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
The goal is to help them be less extreme, yes
or not extreme, right, You're not trying to get rid
of any of these aspects of yourself. They're very good aspects, right,
they have important roles, but to help them be less extreme,
and even a part that's extreme extreme, like a cocaine addict.
My cocaine addict, I was able to get clean and sober.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
And then the more that I healed that part underneath
it was control.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Right, So then I had to work with the control part,
and then I started to heal the control part. And
now that the control part is at a place where
it's so unburdened from that extreme place, it can show
up when I need it. Right, It's not going to
go do cocaine, but it's going to show up and say,
you know what, team, I'm not seeing things going in
the right direction. I want to make sure we get
(25:34):
back on track with our OKRs, or I want to
make sure that we're you know, it's yeah, it's controlling.
But if I didn't have that part, I wouldn't be
a great CEO and president. Right, Yeah, so you know
it helps.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Absolutely tell me about that the check in process that
you was talking about before, because one of the things
that i've I've heard you talk about this is that
one thing that might be a bit scary to people
about this idea is they might be like, I don't
want to be constantly encouraged to tap back to the
worst thing that's ever happened.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
You don't have to.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Yeah, yeah, So explain that a bit, because if a
lot of our parts were forged in trauma, and I've
heard you talk about capital T, lowercase T trauma, everybody
doesn't want to be dragged back there all the time.
That might be a barriers. So what do you say
about that.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
We're not going to those parts. So in IFS, there's
different types of protectors. Well, first of all, there there's
exiled parts, which are the the young parts that were
traumatized big T, small tea could have been bullied, it
could have been big trauma, could have been attachment breach.
Those are the exiled parts. Those are the little wounded parts.
We're not trying to go to the exiles in this book.
(26:39):
That's where you would go to those.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Parts with therapy.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
When you experience those traumas, you started protecting yourself very
quickly because your little child brain could not process it.
You didn't have the emotional resilience to process it. You
very likely did not have a parent or adult figure
to help you process it. So you went into protector
mode and you started building up these protection mechanisms of
fighting back or judging, or perfectionism or needing to know
(27:04):
workoholism to be seen because you weren't seen by your parents,
or whatever the story is. So in this book, we're
checking in with those protection mechanisms, not with the exiles
and so the protectors, and not even really the most
extreme protectors, which I can with the day to day
protection mechanisms that are managing our day to day life.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Right, So for me, it was a control or it
was work, or.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
It was Knives Out was another part I read about,
like if you mess with me, I'm going to fight back. Right,
Knives Out showed up today. Let me tell you, knives
Out came in today. I had to do a little
work with her today. When I did great work with
her today and came back to a situation and was
able to meet the situation with so much self energy
and so much love when like a few hours prior,
(27:47):
I was like telling another team member how pissed off
I was, and it's cursing. And you know, even though
I didn't do it to that person, I did the
work before I worked it out and then I went
to that person with a lot of clarity and a
lot of calm because I did the four step check
in with the party, because knives Out was helpful, but
you didn't just let it loose, and knives Out was
(28:08):
able to be calmed and soothed by the four steps.
And then once that self energy emerged, I asked, so.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Here's what happened.
Speaker 3 (28:19):
Let's say it like this, but something happened at work
that pissed me off. Knives Out was defensive. I was like,
I'm going to fight back. I knew that was there.
I did the four step check in, so I checked
in with the part. So I focused my attention in
towards that knives out, and I wanted to fight so much.
And then I got curious about where it was my body.
I saw it in my jaw and my shoulders. It
was very tense. And then I went a little bit
(28:41):
further and I started to notice that it was like
a very strong, defensive part that was very young. And
then I went to the third step, which is to ask, curiously,
ask compassionately what do you need? And the part said
to me, I need clarity, I need to be clear,
I need to speak my truth, but clearly. And then
I noticed that I checked the fourth step, checked for
(29:03):
c qualities it self, and I was like, okay, yeah,
I feel like I know what I need. I feel
more calm, I feel connected, I feel the courage to
speak up for what I need.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
So then a few minutes later.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
I pick up the phone and I called the person
that I was frustrated with, and I just looked her
in the eye and I said, look, let's work this out.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
But I want to be really clear with you.
Speaker 3 (29:22):
You know XYZ that you asked for is exactly what
I have given you. And when you say x y z,
it's a trigger word for us, you know whatever from employers,
and it makes us want to do x y Z.
So it's just being very clear with you. I'm not
threatening you. I'm just laying it out for you. And
I really want to make this work. And I really
(29:42):
think that you're excellent and you've been adding so much
value and I need to be clear with you, right.
And so I said some very hard truths, but with
so much love and so much calmness and so much
courage and connection and clarity. And so I met the
situation with self instead of the part, and I could
(30:04):
speak for the part rather than as that part.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (30:08):
It does. After this shortbreak, Gabby turns the interview on
me and we talk about how I talk to my
own inner critic. I mean, one of the things that
I particularly like about this and you write about this
is it. I think it helps you write You're not
a control freak or a rager or codependent. Those are
(30:31):
all parts of yourself. And I think that that's a
lot of and maybe women in particular, we do label
ourselves and say why am I such a control freak?
Why am I so hard on myself? I'm this, I'm that.
And the idea that you can that these are parts
of you that have roles to play, I think is
really really helpful.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Absolutely, it's recognizing that we are not our bad patterns
or our limiting beliefs or addicted behaviors. Those are protection
mechanisms that are parts of who we are that have
been holding it all together for so so long. And
these parts of us need our attention, They need our love,
(31:09):
our connection, they need our wisdom, and they need our compassion.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
When I was preparing for this conversation today, I was like,
I'm going to bring Gabby some problems and not all
of them are my problems, but some of them are
my problems.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Bring me your problem.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Well, one of them is definitely that in a critic.
So you have helped me with that already, because it's
very much the voice that starts whenever I'm about to
try and what you might term play big, like do
something brave and bold, and then that she starts with
her like who do you think you are? You're not
good enough, You're not as good as so and so okay,
(31:46):
and sometimes, Gabby, let's be honest, I work on the internet,
as I know you do, and sometimes those critics are
real in the world, you know, So that feeds her
and so this is very helpful, this idea of not
just shunning her but bringing her in.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
Yeah, I mean I think that the inner critic part
is probably most women have it.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
Yeah, absolutely, And.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
She needs your attention.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
She needs And by the way, I'm calling these female
parts like she, but they not have a gender at times,
like you might identify a part, but it might feel
like it's genderless.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
You know, or I don't know.
Speaker 3 (32:22):
I don't want to name people's parts, but you feel
a female to you, so I'll talk to you them
like that. But you know, these inner critics, they've been
around for a really long time, and they're really young,
and they need our attention. They need some connection, they
need some compassion. So my steps are beautiful. Right, choose
(32:46):
to check in with that part, become curious about it. Normally,
what we would do is shun it, right, we would
say stop thinking like that, stop doing you know, move on.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
I even heard you say that earlier. Right, do you
have children?
Speaker 2 (33:00):
I do.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
So if your child, one of your children came to
you and said, Mom, I'm just feeling so inadequate, I
hate myself, what would you say.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
Oh, I meet them with love and tell them that
they're you know, that they're trying their best, and that
to me, they're the most incredible things in the world.
They're teenagers, they do come to be with things like that.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Yeah, and you may be curious, right, you may be
curious about what's going on.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Yes, I'm like, why are you what's making you feel
that way? Exactly what happened today that's making you feel
that way. Let's try and look at it in another way.
Let's make a plan.
Speaker 3 (33:38):
Right creative. So there's creative thinking. Yep, there's calmness.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Right. So what would you do when your inner critic
shows up? Your little girl? How would you talk to her?
Speaker 2 (33:48):
Well, this is the problem is I often shout at her,
right you know, well, I mean not literally obviously.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
But you'll shut her down. You'll shout at.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
Her, yeah, And then I get angry with myself about her,
And so then often she can hold you back from
making those big moves.
Speaker 3 (34:04):
So then my question for you is what would happen
if you started to pursue either in her critic as
another child that you have in your life, like another
child it's just inside of you. Because we have all
that self energy for our children, but not for the
children inside.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
That's profound. I would treat her with a lot more kindness, yeah,
and encouragement and love.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
So choose to check in with her those use the
four steps one today to check in with her.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
I love that. I also love that in the book
you talk about how you can this isn't a kind
of therapy way you I mean in terms of practicing
it in the way you talk about in the book.
With the check in process. You can do it throughout
the day whenever you need it like it's not, it's not.
You know, set aside half a day for the.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
Work, all day, throughout the day, whenever you want, Yeah,
whenever you need it.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
Is it when you need it?
Speaker 2 (35:04):
Moving on a little bit, a lot of your earlier work,
and I know your work still is about manifesting. And
a lot of people roll their eyes about that word.
I want to know what they don't understand about it.
Speaker 3 (35:15):
Well, people might be rolling their eyes too because it's
gotten so sensationalized, you know what I mean, It's like
kind of But manifesting is just natural state. We're always attracting.
We're always attracting what we believe. We're attracting who we are.
We attract the energy we put out, and so when
we choose to realign with more high vibrational thoughts and
(35:40):
feelings and beliefs, we start to actually attract more of
what we want. And so that's when people start to
think of manifesting, Oh I'm getting that thing I want,
or that things started to show up in my life,
or I started to get the exact relationship I was
looking for. Well, not just because you're playing tricks with
the universe, but because you're aligning with the feeling that
you want to assume or the belief that you want
(36:02):
to assume, and when you believe it and you feel
it and you become a match for it.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
Do you think that people maybe misunderstand and maybe they don't.
Maybe I'm getting this wrong, but the sort of literal
nature of it. So a friend of mine, for example,
she's divorced, she's very she's done a lot of self
help work. I suppose we'd say she is very ready
for a part a new partner, and she has been
saying that she's she feels like she's putting all those
(36:29):
things out there and nothing is happening, and she's like,
my energy must be off. I'm manifesting wrong. You know,
she's kind of using that now as a weapon on herself.
Is that a misunderstanding of what manifesting is?
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Yeah, very much. So, you know, I think that.
Speaker 3 (36:47):
The energy being off is because the beliefs are off.
Give her self help. Yes, that's my best manifesting book,
because self help will give you the healing from the
inside out right, and you know that when we heal
the core beliefs, then that's when everything starts to heal
and change in her life.
Speaker 2 (37:08):
Very quickly before we go, I want to just get
a couple of practical tips for our listeners. I know
that you have been meditating your whole life pretty much,
I think.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
Since I was about fifteen.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
Yeah, this is meditation. Is what the universe keeps telling
me to do. I'm constantly getting and I haven't quite
nailed it yet. But I love that you. I've read
you say before that you literally put time for that
kind of reflection in your calendar so that it's unquestionable.
The team knows you're doing it. Yeah, you do it
before lunch. Just tell me a bit about that, because
(37:40):
I think that a lot of people are like, I
can't make time for myself. So could you give us
just a cup before we go, a couple of practical
tips for how to carve out the time that you
need to get your energy right.
Speaker 3 (37:51):
Oh, I'll give you even better than a tip. I
created the most amazing thing. I'm going to give it
to you, and your listeners can can access it at
a link.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
I'll give you. I created a twenty one day Trust
the Universe challenge. Fabulous. It's so so good. I love it.
I'm doing it. I'm on day twelve. It's rough in
my world.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
So you do your You still do your own challenges
when you feel the need to do that.
Speaker 3 (38:21):
I always do my own challenges since d twelve my
mine and it's it's about realigning your energy with the universe.
And it's extraordinary and it's working. And so just go
to Deargaby dot com forward slash universe and it'll be
right there.
Speaker 2 (38:39):
Thank you so much. Reading about you and learning about
you this a lot more lately, I've realized how much
you have. You love something that works for you, you
learn about it, then you share it. It's my whole
very right, that's that's very much your whole thing. Yeah,
my last question, I know I just said that last question.
What are we moving towards happiness? Contentment, enlightenment? What is it?
(39:03):
What should people be moving towards?
Speaker 1 (39:05):
Just happiness? Just just try to be happy.
Speaker 2 (39:08):
Thank you so much for being so generous with your
time today.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
This was a gorgeous interview. I really enjoyed it very much.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
Friends. I'm sorry you had to sit through my therapy
session today, but maybe it was helpful. So here are
six strong suggestions that I took away from that conversation.
With Gabby Bernstein the things that I wrote on my
notebook while we were talking right. Number one, you can
survive this challenge, whatever it is you're going through, by
(39:37):
remembering all the others you've already survived. Two, Ask yourself strongly,
how do I want to feel? I just think that
is a really powerful question. Number three, you are strong,
You're resilient. You've got this. Number four, get quiet. You
(39:58):
can't hear that inner voice over all the noise. I
get quiet in my garden, as you know, of course.
Number five, be clear about what you want and what
you expect from other and most of all, number six,
be kind to the bits of you that are cruel, sad,
or shouty, because it will be okay. Gabby is coming
(40:21):
to Australia in May. She's doing live shows in Sydney,
Brisbane and Melbourne, and if you want to know more
about them, there's a link in the show notes. If
you want to learn more about internal family systems, of course,
there's Gabby's wonderful nobullshit book Self Help, and there's also
plenty of info from its founder, who Gabby mentioned, Richard C. Schwartz,
(40:42):
and will put links to those in the show notes too.
The executive producer of Me is Niama Brown. Our senior
producer is Grace Ruver. Our producer is Tarlie Blackman. And
we've had audio and sound designed by Jacob Brown. And
I will be back here next week, not for a
therapy session, but for a very impressive conversation with a
very impressive woman. Bye.
You're listening to Amma Mia podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Mamma Mere acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters
that this podcast is recorded on. There's a part of
me that hates my guts, yells at me from dusk
till dawn. She thinks I'm lazy and scattered, messy and chaotic,
that it's only a matter of time until I'm exposed
(00:33):
a fraud. She knows if you're opening my wardrobe, my
life will fall out. That under my bed dust and
cobwebs are fighting. She thinks this intro is clumsy and unclear,
that this interview had too much gosh. She knows I
shouted at my son last week and that my book
missed its deadline. She wonders aloud why I can't stay
(00:54):
away from bread, and taps pointedly at the gym timetable
on the fridge, asking if it can still be valid
if it's from twenty twenty three. She whispers in my
ear about that dumb thing I said to my mate
at work and how it hurt her feelings. She knows
I didn't post a card for my dad's last birthday
and that text messages just aren't the same. She settles
(01:17):
into the seat beside me when I sit down and
put my fingers on the keys, and she leans over
and looks up into my face.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
What have you got to say? Hey? She asks?
Speaker 2 (01:28):
What's interesting about you?
Speaker 1 (01:31):
And I?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Who's been working out how to knock her off that
chair for years? Try a new thing. I put my
arm around her, pull her in as her grimace twists,
and ask, what do you need buddy?
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Hello?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
I'm Holly Waynwright and I am mid midlife, mid family,
mid search. Have you found yourself adding another woo to
your wu lately? Maybe you're putting out your crystals to
charge on a full moon, setting a mantra to set
your day outright, making time to meditate, journaling for God's sake.
(02:08):
Maybe you're doing none of them, but you're wondering why
suddenly all your mates are. Maybe it's because the world
seems out of control. Maybe it's because it seems that
something we might have a handle on is whisper it
our energy and where we choose to put it anyway,
out of all that, we want some answers, yes, some positivity,
(02:31):
And I know the woman who's bringing that energy by
the bucket load. Gabby Bernstein is a big deal Oprah. Yes,
Oprah has called her a significant spiritual thought leader. Her
books and videos and courses are read and watched by millions.
Her new book, Self Help is just her latest New
(02:51):
York Times bestseller. And when I told some of my
friends that I was talking to her, they lost their minds.
Her words had helped them, you see, let go of things,
trust in others, and negative attitude something difficult they're trying
to move through. So when I knew I was going
to be sitting down with Gabby today, all the way
(03:11):
over in New York, I wanted to bring her some
problems of my own. Sorry, I mean of our own
feeling stuck, dealing with big changes, wondering what the hell's next.
And yes, I did ask for a little therapy session
on what to do with that damn critical part of
myself that won't shut up. I call her Hannah, and
(03:33):
she can be a bitch. But first I told Gabby
what my friends said about her. Gabby, I've been talking
to people who feel like their lives have been changed
by your work, and they tell me a few things.
But here's what they tell me. The loudest they say,
she lets me know it's going to be Okay, that's
(03:53):
so nice. I know, how do you react to that?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Well, I love that you started there. I really appreciate
you starting there. I actually feel like I needed to
hear that today. Oh, if that makes sense to you,
because I think with all the stuff that's happening with
AI and sort of like I'm not even dipping my
toes and I'm diving in head first because we have
(04:18):
to write this is where we are. I think it's
brought up so much of this sort of like existential
crisis around like well, what will my work mean to
anyone when it can be replicated in all these ways,
and like how will it have an impact?
Speaker 1 (04:30):
And I needed to kind.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Of remember that in all the different forms this work comes,
whether it's through a book or an audio or an
AI bot, whatever it's going to be, it's it's helping people.
So that's the whole thing, you know. So I'm really
grateful for you reflecting that back to me today.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Thank you, And what I'd love to do given that,
and if you're happy to talk about how that might
look for some of our listeners who aren't necessarily as
familiar with your work, but a lot of the listeners
to mid them going through a lot of stuff they
may have. We call it sometimes in midlife collision. I
know you'd be very familiar with this way. Suddenly maybe
your marriage is ended, maybe you've lo your job, maybe
(05:10):
you've got hormone stuff going on, or a diagnosis or
a loss, and it can feel really hard. And I thought,
if it's all right with you, I'd love to ask
you for a couple of kind of practical tips that
our listeners could could tap into a bit of that
It's going to be okay, Gabby energy.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
I'm not Yeah, it's going to be okay, Gabby energy.
It's going to be okay. I really like that for
a book title, it's going to be okay. I might
have to.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Well, it's yours friend, because that's what That's what they
were saying about you.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
It's really nice to hear that what you just said.
It really it really means a lot to me. So
I'm no stranger to the meltdown moments, whether it's the
mid life moments or the just sort of general meltdown moments.
And for me recently was my menopausal journey of forty four,
going in like skydiving into menopause.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
I don't get I don't get the easy road. I
get the tsunamis is. But my girl friends say, they're like, oh,
you get the tsunamis.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
So but it was kind of a blessing to have
my hormones just sort of like disappear overnight because and frankly,
I'm sure I was in perimenopause since I was thirty five.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
I just didn't know, right.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
I was taking all my eggs and I was pumping
them all out in my late thirties trying to get
a baby, and you know, it was just a lot
of the things we do. So I've been in this
moment of a transition of sort of everything being up
in the air, and the way that I trusted that
everything was going to be okay was knowing and remembering
the resilience I'd had in the past, because all of
(06:45):
our life experience provides us with the felt sense of memory,
the muscle memory of knowing that we can survive, and
so recognizing that my past experiences of survival we're going
to hold me as I carried into these new ones.
And in those moments, maybe it's not lay or death,
(07:07):
but it still feels like it is right. So you know,
if you've lost the partner, or you're a diagnosis, or
you're skydiving into menopause, whatever that might be, you feel
like this is it, Like I'm really it's all consuming.
And so I think that the proof that we've recovered
in the past, we've survived through many things that we've
lived to tell, is actually such a great remembrance that
(07:29):
it's going to be okay. And then leaning into that proof,
relying on the tools that worked, making a commitment to
lean into those tools is really how we build the
muscle of resilience.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
So it's sort of the strength and smarts that got
you to hear you can tap into them to get
you from here.
Speaker 3 (07:50):
And also just the psychologic call it spiritual proof, right,
So it's the proof that I'm strong, the proof that
I'm resilient, the proof that I'm aligned, that I'm guided,
that I'm not alone, that I have tools, that I
have support. It's what we have to rely on in
those moments.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
The other thing that listeners often say to me at
this point is they say, I feel stuck. Stuckness is
a big thing, right. It isn't necessarily that you've been
had a big change, but you just feel like you're
not living the way you want to. I know this
is something you're very good at talking about, of course,
but you know people depend on you. You're comfortable, if
(08:34):
not happy, but you feel stuck. What's a great tip
for getting unstuck?
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Well, I would often say that the best first step
to getting unstuck is to recognize the beliefs that are
blocking you. Because the reason you're stuck is not necessarily
because of an outside circumstance, but often because of an
internal belief system. And so it's about healing the beliefs
that hold us in the patterns that we get stuck in.
(09:02):
So this actually really a lot of the practices that
we'll talk about about my latest book is self Help
is undoing and unburdening yourself of the beliefs that have
kept you so stuck in the first place. And the
stuckness is patterns. It's behaviors, it's beliefs, it's limitations, it's
protection mechanisms. And so when we start to become curious
(09:23):
about those parts of ourselves that are keeping us stuck,
we start to give energy and access to those parts
of ourselves and we start to feel more safe inside,
then we have the courage to start to create change.
But that courage doesn't come unless we tend to the
parts of ourselves that are inside that are so burdened
with these beliefs.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Do you think that sometimes when you're in that state
of knowing that things aren't right and you're not living
quite the way you want to, it's hard to know
if you're on the right path or what the right
path even is to set before you start doing the work.
I've heard you say, ask yourself, how do you want
to feel? Yeah, tell me about the power of that question.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
So ofttimes we'll think, look, I need this thing to
get to where I want to be right, So if
I have that outcome, then i'll be safe or have
that next that reassurance, or that whatever it might be.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
None of us can rely on outcomes anymore. We're living
in a very.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
Shaky time with a lot of powerlessness, and so we
have to really just rely on the feelings that we
have the power over, which is which is what we
think and how we feel. And so by by saying okay,
instead of focusing on that next accomplishment or that outside
circumstance to give me direction, Focus on how you want
(10:42):
to feel, focus on the sensations.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Inside that you want to wake up to.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
For me, I want to feel physically strong. I want
to feel calm in my body. I want to feel resourced.
I want to feel powerful. I want to feel clear.
And with all those clear I can I can almost
even visualize the feelings as I talk about them. I
(11:09):
can lean into that knowing and that clarity, and then
wake up each day leaning into those desired feelings. And
so when you know how you want to feel, you
know where you want to go.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
After the break, we dive into the little voice inside
my head, not the critical one, the kind one, and
how to find the courage to listen to it so
to self help. One of the things that I particularly
love about your story, and I've been obviously immersing myself
the last few days in particular, is that you've talked
about it lots of time, so we don't have to
(11:45):
do that at all. But in your mid twenties, you
are struggling with addiction. You describe you're at a rock
bottom and you asked for help, and a strong inner
voice or maybe out of voice, told you get clean
and you'll live a life beyond your wildest dreams. First
of all, before we start talking about this particular book,
do you believe that we can all tap into a
(12:05):
voice like that that really knows what we need to do?
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Of course I do.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Yeah, how can you be quiet enough to listen? Well?
Speaker 3 (12:17):
The practice of becoming quiet enough to listen is a
devotional practice, of tuning in, of strengthening your faith through
spiritual practice, through maybe even a religious practice, whatever it
is that you are drawn to, it's about mindfully slowing down. So,
(12:38):
whether it be a meditative practice or a prayer practice,
or a physical activity even you know, I hear my
connection to inner wisdom and spirit when I'm walking, when
I'm in nature. I walk every day and I feel
oftentimes like angelic energy around me when I'm walking. And
(12:59):
the reason stillness is the access to the divine. Stillness
is the access to the spiritual realm. The reason is
that our human resonance, like the vibration that we function
at to live in this world, is not the same
frequency as the spiritual realm. And so if you want
to call it inner guidance or a spiritual voice or
(13:22):
the voice of God or universal wisdom, I don't really
care what you call it, the care that you call
upon it. And when we're living in this world of
phrenetic energy, we're misaligned with the frequency of the universe,
with the frequency of spirit. And so through when we
still our mind and when we calm our nervous system
(13:42):
and we settle our energetic being, our energy begins to
vibrate at a new frequency, and the same frequency starts
to line up with the frequency of the universe. So
that lining up is what stillness does for us. And
so we get in tune, right, So you see, my
hands are kind of going like this. It's like we're
here and the spiritual realm is here, and we start
to rest and become more at ease, and then we
(14:05):
attune to it. It's literally like a pitchfork, okay. And
when we get attuned to that energy, then a portal
opens and we start to believe the wisdom that we're hearing.
We start to trust the sensations or the voice, or
the direction, or the inner wink right, or the synchronicity
or the written word if we'rescribing in that state, and
(14:28):
so that's where messages can come to us, Guidance can
come to us, direction can come to us. We can
feel a presence of a spiritual energy and entity around
us that we know that we're not alone, and that's
really that's all that is real. That's all that is real,
that connection.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
It can take courage to be ready to hear that, right,
because we push away those voices a lot, don't you think,
in the hustle of all the things we've got to do.
So there's the courage to go. It's not necessarily going
to be easy. Certainly wasn't easy for you. I'm sure
when your voice is saying get.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Clean, well, when they're saying I mean it is. So.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
There are spiritual guides. I believe in angels. It's whatever
you choose to believe in. But you could be hearing
lots of different guidance systems, and for many people it
might just be more comfortable to say my inner wisdom
or God.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Right, But again, I don't care what you call it.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Yeah, call upon it as you say. Yeah, you need
to be brave enough to be ready to act on
what they're going to tell you. And when you're at
that state where you know you need help, that's a
time when a lot of people might discover.
Speaker 3 (15:38):
This, right, Yeah, it's when we hit bottom that really
the wound is the place where the light enters you,
as Rumy says, So when we have our moments of
hitting a bottom, there's a cracking open to a surrendered state,
and in that surrendered state, we become much more receptive
(16:00):
to the wisdom beyond our logical mind.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Friends, you're about to hear some discussion about Gabby's book
Self Help, which then around a type of therapy called
internal family systems, and I wanted to jump into our
conversation to just explain it a little bit so that
it all makes sense when we're talking about it. In
its most basic form. IFS, as they call it, is
like inside out, a theory that we're made up of
(16:27):
lots of different parts. So in inside out, our girl's
head is filled with these anthropomorphised feelings anxiety, anger, etc.
In IFS, same idea, but these characters are our parts.
You might have a part, for example, who is incensed
by rule breaking, a part who's hyper vigilant about the
health of your loved ones, a part that's a control freak,
(16:49):
a part that pulls you back just before you try
too hard for something you really want. In IFS, the
idea is these parts need to be addressed, not pushed aside,
but invited to the table and asked what it is
they need, while also having the steering wheel gently removed
from their hands and put back in your own your
(17:10):
selves hands, who is calm and mature and knows what's best.
That is my very amateur interpretation of IFS. But as
you hear Gabby speak more about it, it'll make more
sense back to her. What I particularly love about this
story is that because you're such a seeker and you've
(17:31):
from there built this amazing career and business and life
teaching sharing these ideas, but you write and self help,
that the extraordinary success came at a cost and you
had to deal with another kind of addiction in a way.
Tell me about your workaholic, because I loved reading the
beginning of self Help you talk about sitting down to
write the book. Sorry, I'm holding it in my hand.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
I love all the post and notes you.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Are talking about sitting down to write the book, and
this is a common experience of writers. I'm a writer myself.
Where you're the first thing that happens is your mind
is saying who do you think you are? Basically I'm
paraphrasing you. Who do you think you are to write
this book? You know you have trained in internal family systems,
which is what this book is about largely, But you're like,
(18:16):
who do I think I am? You're not good enough
to do this? Like you've got that chat that is
somebody I'm very familiar with, and you talk about what
you did to overcome that. Can you tell that story?
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (18:29):
So when I sat down to write self Help, it
was my tenth book, so.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
It wasn't my first rodeo.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
And I was trained in this model of a therapy
that I had practiced with my own therapist for a
nearly a decade at that time.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
And then I.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Went on to get trained in this therapy and then
I beat very very clearly, felt lined up to write
about it, democratize it, turn it into a self help
practice with the blessing of the founder of the therapy.
His name is doctor Richard Schwartz. He gave me his
blessing to do that, to make it self help, he
writes the introduction. Yes, he does. And so I had
(19:08):
the permission, I had the book contract, I had the training,
I had the experience of living it, and I sat
down to write the book, and the imposter, the voice
of I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Who am I to write this book?
Speaker 3 (19:23):
You're not a therapist, You're not this, You're not that
started to flood me. And so very quickly I began
to apply the tool that I was sitting down to
write about to myself. And I share the story of
how I chose to check in with that voice, that
part of me that was so afraid to write the book.
(19:44):
And as I started to check in and become curious,
I noticed where it was in my body, and I
noticed where I felt it in my jaw, and I
noticed where it was in my heart. And then I
became more curious and knew that it had been around
for a long time and it was the little girl
that was that she was stupid and just kept checking
in and checking in. And then I became curious and
I asked the part what it needed, and the part
that part of me said, believe in me, believe in me.
(20:07):
And then another voice started to come in that is
the voice of my higher self, myself or the capital
s maybe the inner wisdom or the spiritual connection. And
that voice is self started to speak to me and
say or not speak to me. Just the presence of
self came through, and it was this inner healer coming
through saying.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yeah, of course you can do this, this is your job.
You got this.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
And that process of choosing to check in, becoming curious,
compassionately connecting and asking what do you need and then
noticing the shifts of self come through. Those four steps
are the crux of the book. That's the self help
check in. And self is what is our inner wisdom
or our higher self or the presence of the God
(20:52):
within us. The spirit within us self is compassionate energy,
connected energy, clear energy, courageous energy, confident energy. And so
this whole book is about letting these energies to self
help these younger parts ourselves that are so stuck.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
So for the listener who's stuck, this is your book.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Yeah, this is your book. Because one of the things
that I particularly and I know a little bit about
ifs myself, but you explain it so brilliantly here. But
I think that if you don't understand that, the difference
is when you're sitting there, whatever project it is, or
whatever part of your life that in a critic is
coming at you and telling you not good enough. The
(21:35):
temptation is push her away, shut her up, right, That's
what I have always done, has been like why am
I thinking like that? And then the critic almost becomes
part of the problem. But what ifs is saying, and
what you're saying is don't push her away and shut
her up, check in with her and have compassion.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
Yes, when we feel triggered for whatever reason it might be,
we will do whatever it takes to shut down the trigger.
So the trigger is a young, young part of ourselves, right,
It's a wounded part that feels inadequate or unlovable. And
so what we'll do is we'll start protecting against that feeling.
And that's where these protector parts come in. And the
protector parts are like I'm going to the yours would
(22:15):
be saying shut up, shut up, going going right.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
That's like a shunning protector.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
Or maybe my be controlling or fighting back or raging
or overworking or over drinking or overeating, will over things
to not have to feel those deeper wounds, and so
we check out instead of checking in, and so self
help the practice is about choosing to check inside instead
of checking out. With these protection mechanisms, and so we
(22:41):
check in with the protection mechanisms so that it can
feel like it can relax, and when it relaxes, then
we can let that young part of us, all these
young parts of us inside know that there's more safety
inside and that they don't have to be so activated.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
And the parts are in this system are given names.
So you have, as I mentioned before, I was really
interested when you talked about your workaholic part. That has
obviously been of great use to you in building your
business to where it is, but you've learned to have
a different relationship with her. Now can you tell me
(23:17):
a bit about that.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Yes, so I've named my parts. You don't have to,
but it's nice to do.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I think it's helpful.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
It is.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
We have lots of different protection mechanisms. And you've probably
said many times before a part of me gets really
activated when this happens, or a part of me rages
when my husband says this, or part of me part
of me. You know, all these kinds of messages. And
so for me, you know, I have a lot of
different parts. One of them was a workaholic at the time.
And what happens when we start to do some connecting
to these parts of ourselves is that we start to
(23:44):
recognize that they actually were just there protecting us. And
so while they might have been in extreme roles, they
also probably did a lot of good for us.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
And for the world or for whatever happens in us.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
So I look at my workaholic part now that it's
now that I've healed, and I can say.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Oh, yeah, you were working real hard to.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Try to to try to fight against that suffering inside.
But also I can look at her and say, okay,
but you also wrote ten books in fourteen years and
helped a lot of people, And so I can see
that while the part was extreme and creating a lot
of chaos in my body and in my life and
in my relationships, it also did a lot of good.
(24:29):
And now the good news is is that that part
can do its great work in such a less extreme
way because it's connected to self.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
So the idea is not at all to get rid
of these parts of you, to sort of shed them
as if you're going to just be self.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
The goal is to help them be less extreme, yes
or not extreme, right, You're not trying to get rid
of any of these aspects of yourself. They're very good aspects, right,
they have important roles, but to help them be less extreme,
and even a part that's extreme extreme, like a cocaine addict.
My cocaine addict, I was able to get clean and sober.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
And then the more that I healed that part underneath
it was control.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Right, So then I had to work with the control part,
and then I started to heal the control part. And
now that the control part is at a place where
it's so unburdened from that extreme place, it can show
up when I need it. Right, It's not going to
go do cocaine, but it's going to show up and say,
you know what, team, I'm not seeing things going in
the right direction. I want to make sure we get
(25:34):
back on track with our OKRs, or I want to
make sure that we're you know, it's yeah, it's controlling.
But if I didn't have that part, I wouldn't be
a great CEO and president. Right, Yeah, so you know
it helps.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Absolutely tell me about that the check in process that
you was talking about before, because one of the things
that i've I've heard you talk about this is that
one thing that might be a bit scary to people
about this idea is they might be like, I don't
want to be constantly encouraged to tap back to the
worst thing that's ever happened.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
You don't have to.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Yeah, yeah, So explain that a bit, because if a
lot of our parts were forged in trauma, and I've
heard you talk about capital T, lowercase T trauma, everybody
doesn't want to be dragged back there all the time.
That might be a barriers. So what do you say
about that.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
We're not going to those parts. So in IFS, there's
different types of protectors. Well, first of all, there there's
exiled parts, which are the the young parts that were
traumatized big T, small tea could have been bullied, it
could have been big trauma, could have been attachment breach.
Those are the exiled parts. Those are the little wounded parts.
We're not trying to go to the exiles in this book.
(26:39):
That's where you would go to those.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Parts with therapy.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
When you experience those traumas, you started protecting yourself very
quickly because your little child brain could not process it.
You didn't have the emotional resilience to process it. You
very likely did not have a parent or adult figure
to help you process it. So you went into protector
mode and you started building up these protection mechanisms of
fighting back or judging, or perfectionism or needing to know
(27:04):
workoholism to be seen because you weren't seen by your parents,
or whatever the story is. So in this book, we're
checking in with those protection mechanisms, not with the exiles
and so the protectors, and not even really the most
extreme protectors, which I can with the day to day
protection mechanisms that are managing our day to day life.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Right, So for me, it was a control or it
was work, or.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
It was Knives Out was another part I read about,
like if you mess with me, I'm going to fight back. Right,
Knives Out showed up today. Let me tell you, knives
Out came in today. I had to do a little
work with her today. When I did great work with
her today and came back to a situation and was
able to meet the situation with so much self energy
and so much love when like a few hours prior,
(27:47):
I was like telling another team member how pissed off
I was, and it's cursing. And you know, even though
I didn't do it to that person, I did the
work before I worked it out and then I went
to that person with a lot of clarity and a
lot of calm because I did the four step check
in with the party, because knives Out was helpful, but
you didn't just let it loose, and knives Out was
(28:08):
able to be calmed and soothed by the four steps.
And then once that self energy emerged, I asked, so.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Here's what happened.
Speaker 3 (28:19):
Let's say it like this, but something happened at work
that pissed me off. Knives Out was defensive. I was like,
I'm going to fight back. I knew that was there.
I did the four step check in, so I checked
in with the part. So I focused my attention in
towards that knives out, and I wanted to fight so much.
And then I got curious about where it was my body.
I saw it in my jaw and my shoulders. It
was very tense. And then I went a little bit
(28:41):
further and I started to notice that it was like
a very strong, defensive part that was very young. And
then I went to the third step, which is to ask, curiously,
ask compassionately what do you need? And the part said
to me, I need clarity, I need to be clear,
I need to speak my truth, but clearly. And then
I noticed that I checked the fourth step, checked for
(29:03):
c qualities it self, and I was like, okay, yeah,
I feel like I know what I need. I feel
more calm, I feel connected, I feel the courage to
speak up for what I need.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
So then a few minutes later.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
I pick up the phone and I called the person
that I was frustrated with, and I just looked her
in the eye and I said, look, let's work this out.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
But I want to be really clear with you.
Speaker 3 (29:22):
You know XYZ that you asked for is exactly what
I have given you. And when you say x y z,
it's a trigger word for us, you know whatever from employers,
and it makes us want to do x y Z.
So it's just being very clear with you. I'm not
threatening you. I'm just laying it out for you. And
I really want to make this work. And I really
(29:42):
think that you're excellent and you've been adding so much
value and I need to be clear with you, right.
And so I said some very hard truths, but with
so much love and so much calmness and so much
courage and connection and clarity. And so I met the
situation with self instead of the part, and I could
(30:04):
speak for the part rather than as that part.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (30:08):
It does. After this shortbreak, Gabby turns the interview on
me and we talk about how I talk to my
own inner critic. I mean, one of the things that
I particularly like about this and you write about this
is it. I think it helps you write You're not
a control freak or a rager or codependent. Those are
(30:31):
all parts of yourself. And I think that that's a
lot of and maybe women in particular, we do label
ourselves and say why am I such a control freak?
Why am I so hard on myself? I'm this, I'm that.
And the idea that you can that these are parts
of you that have roles to play, I think is
really really helpful.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Absolutely, it's recognizing that we are not our bad patterns
or our limiting beliefs or addicted behaviors. Those are protection
mechanisms that are parts of who we are that have
been holding it all together for so so long. And
these parts of us need our attention, They need our love,
(31:09):
our connection, they need our wisdom, and they need our compassion.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
When I was preparing for this conversation today, I was like,
I'm going to bring Gabby some problems and not all
of them are my problems, but some of them are
my problems.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Bring me your problem.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Well, one of them is definitely that in a critic.
So you have helped me with that already, because it's
very much the voice that starts whenever I'm about to
try and what you might term play big, like do
something brave and bold, and then that she starts with
her like who do you think you are? You're not
good enough, You're not as good as so and so okay,
(31:46):
and sometimes, Gabby, let's be honest, I work on the internet,
as I know you do, and sometimes those critics are
real in the world, you know, So that feeds her
and so this is very helpful, this idea of not
just shunning her but bringing her in.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
Yeah, I mean I think that the inner critic part
is probably most women have it.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
Yeah, absolutely, And.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
She needs your attention.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
She needs And by the way, I'm calling these female
parts like she, but they not have a gender at times,
like you might identify a part, but it might feel
like it's genderless.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
You know, or I don't know.
Speaker 3 (32:22):
I don't want to name people's parts, but you feel
a female to you, so I'll talk to you them
like that. But you know, these inner critics, they've been
around for a really long time, and they're really young,
and they need our attention. They need some connection, they
need some compassion. So my steps are beautiful. Right, choose
(32:46):
to check in with that part, become curious about it. Normally,
what we would do is shun it, right, we would
say stop thinking like that, stop doing you know, move on.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
I even heard you say that earlier. Right, do you
have children?
Speaker 2 (33:00):
I do.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
So if your child, one of your children came to
you and said, Mom, I'm just feeling so inadequate, I
hate myself, what would you say.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
Oh, I meet them with love and tell them that
they're you know, that they're trying their best, and that
to me, they're the most incredible things in the world.
They're teenagers, they do come to be with things like that.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Yeah, and you may be curious, right, you may be
curious about what's going on.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Yes, I'm like, why are you what's making you feel
that way? Exactly what happened today that's making you feel
that way. Let's try and look at it in another way.
Let's make a plan.
Speaker 3 (33:38):
Right creative. So there's creative thinking. Yep, there's calmness.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Right. So what would you do when your inner critic
shows up? Your little girl? How would you talk to her?
Speaker 2 (33:48):
Well, this is the problem is I often shout at her,
right you know, well, I mean not literally obviously.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
But you'll shut her down. You'll shout at.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
Her, yeah, And then I get angry with myself about her,
And so then often she can hold you back from
making those big moves.
Speaker 3 (34:04):
So then my question for you is what would happen
if you started to pursue either in her critic as
another child that you have in your life, like another
child it's just inside of you. Because we have all
that self energy for our children, but not for the
children inside.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
That's profound. I would treat her with a lot more kindness, yeah,
and encouragement and love.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
So choose to check in with her those use the
four steps one today to check in with her.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
I love that. I also love that in the book
you talk about how you can this isn't a kind
of therapy way you I mean in terms of practicing
it in the way you talk about in the book.
With the check in process. You can do it throughout
the day whenever you need it like it's not, it's not.
You know, set aside half a day for the.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
Work, all day, throughout the day, whenever you want, Yeah,
whenever you need it.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
Is it when you need it?
Speaker 2 (35:04):
Moving on a little bit, a lot of your earlier work,
and I know your work still is about manifesting. And
a lot of people roll their eyes about that word.
I want to know what they don't understand about it.
Speaker 3 (35:15):
Well, people might be rolling their eyes too because it's
gotten so sensationalized, you know what I mean, It's like
kind of But manifesting is just natural state. We're always attracting.
We're always attracting what we believe. We're attracting who we are.
We attract the energy we put out, and so when
we choose to realign with more high vibrational thoughts and
(35:40):
feelings and beliefs, we start to actually attract more of
what we want. And so that's when people start to
think of manifesting, Oh I'm getting that thing I want,
or that things started to show up in my life,
or I started to get the exact relationship I was
looking for. Well, not just because you're playing tricks with
the universe, but because you're aligning with the feeling that
you want to assume or the belief that you want
(36:02):
to assume, and when you believe it and you feel
it and you become a match for it.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
Do you think that people maybe misunderstand and maybe they don't.
Maybe I'm getting this wrong, but the sort of literal
nature of it. So a friend of mine, for example,
she's divorced, she's very she's done a lot of self
help work. I suppose we'd say she is very ready
for a part a new partner, and she has been
saying that she's she feels like she's putting all those
(36:29):
things out there and nothing is happening, and she's like,
my energy must be off. I'm manifesting wrong. You know,
she's kind of using that now as a weapon on herself.
Is that a misunderstanding of what manifesting is?
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Yeah, very much. So, you know, I think that.
Speaker 3 (36:47):
The energy being off is because the beliefs are off.
Give her self help. Yes, that's my best manifesting book,
because self help will give you the healing from the
inside out right, and you know that when we heal
the core beliefs, then that's when everything starts to heal
and change in her life.
Speaker 2 (37:08):
Very quickly before we go, I want to just get
a couple of practical tips for our listeners. I know
that you have been meditating your whole life pretty much,
I think.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
Since I was about fifteen.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
Yeah, this is meditation. Is what the universe keeps telling
me to do. I'm constantly getting and I haven't quite
nailed it yet. But I love that you. I've read
you say before that you literally put time for that
kind of reflection in your calendar so that it's unquestionable.
The team knows you're doing it. Yeah, you do it
before lunch. Just tell me a bit about that, because
(37:40):
I think that a lot of people are like, I
can't make time for myself. So could you give us
just a cup before we go, a couple of practical
tips for how to carve out the time that you
need to get your energy right.
Speaker 3 (37:51):
Oh, I'll give you even better than a tip. I
created the most amazing thing. I'm going to give it
to you, and your listeners can can access it at
a link.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
I'll give you. I created a twenty one day Trust
the Universe challenge. Fabulous. It's so so good. I love it.
I'm doing it. I'm on day twelve. It's rough in
my world.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
So you do your You still do your own challenges
when you feel the need to do that.
Speaker 3 (38:21):
I always do my own challenges since d twelve my
mine and it's it's about realigning your energy with the universe.
And it's extraordinary and it's working. And so just go
to Deargaby dot com forward slash universe and it'll be
right there.
Speaker 2 (38:39):
Thank you so much. Reading about you and learning about
you this a lot more lately, I've realized how much
you have. You love something that works for you, you
learn about it, then you share it. It's my whole
very right, that's that's very much your whole thing. Yeah,
my last question, I know I just said that last question.
What are we moving towards happiness? Contentment, enlightenment? What is it?
(39:03):
What should people be moving towards?
Speaker 1 (39:05):
Just happiness? Just just try to be happy.
Speaker 2 (39:08):
Thank you so much for being so generous with your
time today.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
This was a gorgeous interview. I really enjoyed it very much.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
Friends. I'm sorry you had to sit through my therapy
session today, but maybe it was helpful. So here are
six strong suggestions that I took away from that conversation.
With Gabby Bernstein the things that I wrote on my
notebook while we were talking right. Number one, you can
survive this challenge, whatever it is you're going through, by
(39:37):
remembering all the others you've already survived. Two, Ask yourself strongly,
how do I want to feel? I just think that
is a really powerful question. Number three, you are strong,
You're resilient. You've got this. Number four, get quiet. You
(39:58):
can't hear that inner voice over all the noise. I
get quiet in my garden, as you know, of course.
Number five, be clear about what you want and what
you expect from other and most of all, number six,
be kind to the bits of you that are cruel, sad,
or shouty, because it will be okay. Gabby is coming
(40:21):
to Australia in May. She's doing live shows in Sydney,
Brisbane and Melbourne, and if you want to know more
about them, there's a link in the show notes. If
you want to learn more about internal family systems, of course,
there's Gabby's wonderful nobullshit book Self Help, and there's also
plenty of info from its founder, who Gabby mentioned, Richard C. Schwartz,
(40:42):
and will put links to those in the show notes too.
The executive producer of Me is Niama Brown. Our senior
producer is Grace Ruver. Our producer is Tarlie Blackman. And
we've had audio and sound designed by Jacob Brown. And
I will be back here next week, not for a
therapy session, but for a very impressive conversation with a
very impressive woman. Bye.
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