February 11, 2025 • 28 mins
Lizzie Eastham and Sam Rickard present Studio 1 - Vision Australia Radio’s weekly look at life from a low vision and blind point of view.
On this week’s show
"I only have Eyes for You"
With Valentines Day coming up, Lizzie and Sam dive back into the world of Love and Dating. Our "Choir of Angels" talk about their experience out in the world of dating apps flirting and ambiguous body language.
Studio 1 welcomes any input from our listeners. If you have any experience or thoughts about issues covered in this episode or believe there is something we should be talking about.
EMAIL: studio1@visionaustralia.org or leave comment on the station’s facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/VARadioNetwork
Thank you to Maddy; Jodie; Carlie; Stephen and Lilly.
Vision Australia gratefully acknowledges the support of the Community Broadcasting Foundation for Studio 1.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
S1 (00:06):
This is studio one on Vision Australia radio.
S2 (00:11):
Hello. I'm Sam.
S3 (00:12):
And I'm Lizzie.
S2 (00:14):
And this is studio one, your weekly look at life
from a low vision and blind point of view. Here
on Vision Australia radio.
S3 (00:20):
On this week's show, how do you cope in the
world of love and romance?
S2 (00:25):
With Valentine's Day coming up on Friday, we ask a
few friends about their experiences dating.
S3 (00:31):
As we always say at this point, please do get
in touch with the show if you have any experience
with the issues covered on this week's episode of Studio One,
or if you think there's something we should be talking about.
You never know. Your story and insight may help someone
who's dealing with something similar.
S2 (00:46):
You can email us Studio One at Vision Australia. Org.
That's studio number one at Vision Australia.
S3 (00:51):
Org or perhaps you can leave us a comment on
our Facebook page. Just go to facebook.com slash radio network.
S2 (01:00):
Hello Lizzie, we're on the Valentine's Day week again. Um,
it doesn't seem like a year since we, uh, were
talking about this last time.
S3 (01:10):
I don't know about you, Sam, but my head's been
filled with love songs all week. And it's not spring,
but the smell of fresh cut flowers bombards my nostrils
at every turn.
S2 (01:21):
Well, yeah, I've always had this mixed feeling on, um,
on Valentine's Day. Really? Um, when me and Heidi first
got together. Yes. We would go out to dinner and
we'd get each other a nice bottle of wine or
something like that to drink or to share. And as
the years have gone past, it's just become another day.
(01:45):
And it's like, all right. Oh, yeah, it's Valentine's Day.
All right. What's on the telly?
S3 (01:49):
I understand you, Sam, but for me, I, I mean,
Stephen and I, our relationship is much newer than yours.
We've been together for four and a half years. However,
I'm often so busy, and he's often so busy, and
we're just doing a lot of our different things, which,
you know, you'd know. You know, you and Heidi would
surely be somewhat the same. And so whenever Valentine's Day
(02:11):
comes around and it gives us an excuse to spend
time with each other. Oh, yeah, of course we we
go all out. And, I mean, we don't buy each
other expensive gifts, but we all, like, pick a recipe
out of a recipe book. Like this week we've picked
a recipe and we're going to make it. It's a
it's a two course meal. We're going to make it
together and we're going to sit down and have a
(02:32):
romantic dinner. Steven bought me some wine. He's got some
some beer and we'll we're going to just do something
simple like that. But it's it's a time to just
check in with each other for us and.
S2 (02:43):
Well, what we have said in previous episodes, and this
is the absolutely fascinating thing about this community in which
we live in, was when we did this, this time
last year, it was trying to get blood from the
proverbial stone. It was people did not want to talk
about it.
S3 (03:03):
It's funny about that because exactly like when we were
trying to get bits and pieces together for this show,
nobody wanted to share their experience. But it was. I
would like to say, I would like to think that
it was a successful show. You know, it garnered quite
a response from the community. And so after that, we
were bombarded with, when are you going to do another
(03:24):
dating show? I want to tell my story. And I
just thought, you guys have left it a bit late, like,
I'm sorry, but you don't have to wait till next
year now. So now we've gathered everybody together in one place,
and we bring to you some more stories.
S2 (03:39):
Exactly. Mind you, the first two. Well, they wouldn't say
that their dating life has been successful. And they're both
successful athletes as well. Bizarrely enough.
S4 (03:54):
That's a good question because I actually haven't dated before.
So yeah, I I'm not sure. I probably go with
someone who's excited just because I'm so restricted with my
vision and not being able to drive, and it limits
everything that I can do. So yeah.
S5 (04:17):
I only really had one boyfriend prior to my husband, and, uh,
we met at school and that was through, uh, we
were both in the school band, um, and I, I
wouldn't say it was really, uh, wasn't a serious thing.
And when I met my husband, he was playing goalball. Um,
(04:40):
so obviously we were both vision impaired, and, um, and
it wasn't an issue for either of us because we
both vision impaired.
S3 (04:47):
Well, that was the next question was whether you prefer
to date, um, sighted individuals or people with a vision impairment.
S5 (04:54):
To be honest, it doesn't really bother me. Uh, it was.
I never really thought about it back in the day. Uh,
it was just that I met, uh, Neil playing goalball,
and he was number seven for Ballarat and I was
number seven for Victorian women. And we started cheering for
each other. And.
S2 (05:15):
This seemed to be a theme here with, uh, with
athletes and ex-athletes, uh, because, uh, yes, I describe my, uh,
dating history when I was competing as somewhat shambolic. So, um, uh,
whether we couldn't find the time or whether it was
just mean that we were busy for that kind of thing.
S3 (05:33):
Yeah. You have used that word before, Sam. Shambolic, definitely. Uh,
I don't know. Uh, having never been a really successful
athlete myself, I wouldn't know.
S2 (05:41):
I also don't I think that sometimes people don't know
what to make of us, um, because on especially able bodied. Um,
because on one side, yes. Um, uh, these vulnerable disabled
people and people don't understand the nature of disability. But
on the other hand, um, we're also extremely fit, um,
(06:03):
attractive individuals, uh, or interesting individuals, as it were. So
does the maternal instinct break in or what? So yeah,
I think that sometimes, um, disabled athletes are a confusing
thing for singles to deal with.
S3 (06:20):
I think it's easier for the maternal instinct to kick
in with regards to disabled women. People tend to infantilize infantilize.
People tend to infantilize disabled women more so than men.
And I think it's because, uh, as women, we are
already seen in a position of being more vulnerable or
(06:41):
weaker or not able to look after ourselves. And then
you add disability to that and it just double folds.
So I don't know, like for you, I think it
must have been a real head scratcher when they saw you.
But for me, oftentimes I have to explain to people that, um,
my athletic career is a lot more involved than what
(07:02):
you think it is. It's not just getting on a
bike and going for a ride whenever I want to race.
It's actual training, so it's hard. It's hard. I can
imagine people's brains would be ready to explode.
S2 (07:15):
Um, I found in my time there I had a
lot of female friends and, uh, that things never moved
any further, and. But there were a few that. Yes,
if things looked like they were moving further with somebody,
all of a sudden there would be just a little
bit short and judgy and all that sort of stuff. So, um, yes,
(07:36):
the friend zone is maybe not be politically correct, but
it is a is a thing. And I think sometimes, um,
if you're not sure, make up your mind.
S3 (07:46):
Well, Sam, I'm just glad to hear that you found
your significant someone, because it's not so bad going through
life as a single, if that's what you want. But
if it's not what you want, uh, it's depressing.
S2 (07:57):
It is, it is. But anyway, let's hear from Emma
and Kylie.
S3 (08:04):
Well.
S6 (08:05):
I've actually not had any dating experience. I've had my moments,
you know, flirty moments. And I do chat online. Yep.
But what I like to do if I do chat
to people online is I ask them to send me
a voice message if they can, so I can hear
their voice to hear what they actually sound like. Oh
(08:29):
that's cool. Yeah. And with regard to would I rather
date sighted or people who are vision impaired, it. It
doesn't bother me. I mean, at the end of the day,
we're all human. We're all human beings. And it shouldn't
make a difference. Really?
S7 (08:48):
Oh, golly. Gosh. Okay. I'm, um. Toast. Probably coming up
nearly to a year post relationship, and I'm not even
phased at the moment. I'm, I guess, to a stage
in my life that. Yeah, this is a hard question, actually,
because one moment you feel, oh, no one's going to
(09:09):
want me because I can't, you know, I've got all
these quirks. I'll call them. But in the other hand,
why wouldn't someone want me? I'll give you the best, funniest, most,
you know, great ride in life you could possibly imagine.
So I'm not going to go out there looking for it.
I don't think it would be safe at all to
go on dating sites like in past. I'll be honest,
(09:32):
I have when I could see properly and in my
20s and it was fun, you know, but I this
is what you call a real blind date. That's what
it would be. So yeah, at the moment I'm just
I'm just really full steam ahead with career and and
(09:52):
my family. I've got two beautiful children and yeah, datings
dating is one of those things that and getting yourself
into I think dating for me I'm looking at it
like this. I would love to think that. I would
love to have somebody when the time's right, that life partner,
(10:12):
but also find them doing something I love. So connecting
in the tandem bike riding, you know, getting out there.
I want to do some other things as well. And
I guess that's trust the universe and trust the process
that someone might be there one day.
S8 (10:35):
Okay. I love that. Okay.
S3 (10:37):
Okay. Firstly, there's a lot to unpack there. Thank you. Girls. Ladies. Firstly, Carly,
I think she touched upon a really important issue. And
that is you need to be absolutely sure of yourself
because people who don't want you. And that there will
(10:57):
be a lot of rejection. As somebody with a disability
who's tried dating a lot, um, who's tried to to
be one of those girls with boyfriends all the time.
You know, when I was younger. And rejection comes more
than success and you need to be absolutely sure of yourself.
And so Carly saying what she did about I will
give you the the funniest and greatest and most enjoyable
(11:19):
ride of your life. Like, she knows as a person
what she's got to offer. And so for her, she's
not going to let something like rejection get her down. Well, okay.
You're not going to take the time to to explore
or to open yourself up to that, then that's your issue.
As for Emma, I find her open mindedness to be refreshing. Like,
she doesn't mind if it's vision impaired or blind person
(11:43):
that she's dating. She's open to human experience. And that's
the other thing. It's all about the human experience. So
a lot to unpack. But what about you, Sam? What
did you take away from all of that?
S2 (11:54):
Uh, I loved Carly's, uh, viewpoint of things and also
being realistic about things as well. She's not she's not
quite ready to do that sort of stuff. It's kind
of say, all right, if the universe presents something, then
it presents something. But otherwise I've got a life at
the moment.
S3 (12:08):
Yeah. And it's really interesting what she said about, you know,
connecting with people through tandems and all the other activities
she does. She's quite a busy person. Often those are
the places where you find that connection. I mean, it's
all well and good to go on a dating site
and look for that connection. And but to me that's
somewhat forced. Whereas if you're just going about your daily
(12:29):
life and like you're at the gym and you meet
someone like you already know, you've got that interest in common,
or you meet someone at a bookstore or at a library,
or you're out for coffee or you're hiking. At least
you know that the person you've met up with has
that one thing in common with you. Like, um, Steven
and I, classic Story again music group. We both love music.
(12:51):
We're both musicians. We both love to jam, and that
is really what brought us together is love of music. So,
you know, that is a testament, I think, to the
real world power of just getting out there doing what
you love and finding connection in that.
S2 (13:06):
Well, that's the thing is that these apps. The reason
why you're on there is for one thing only, that's
to find somebody else. Yeah. Whereas yes, we tend to
do more when we're just out there living our lives.
All right. So we're going to be finishing up with
Steven and Lily and no, not yours Steven. We were
just talking about a Steven. But this is the other Steven, Steven,
(13:29):
Steven K, we might just call him.
S9 (13:35):
Um.
S10 (13:36):
But yeah, there's been some frustration in regards to the
business hours. Um, people either wanting to overcare for me
or finding, uh, me a bit of a burden as
far as, yeah, doing sighted guide or any of those things.
So there's been either end of that extreme of people
(13:57):
being too, too nurturing or finding it too hard to
look after me, if you like. I don't find the thing.
think I'm a person who needs a lot of. I'm
quite independent and quite able. But some yeah, partners I
have had have been found at either end of extremes.
(14:18):
You know, it depends who you're with and who you
need to find someone who matches you for who you are,
whether part of your disability or otherwise. There's definitely been
some prejudgment, again, as you say, about disability. Um, sorry.
As I said about employment, there's an assumption that you
(14:39):
may be a burden or a bit of work or
less on your who you are and your abilities and
stuff there too. Um, even my, uh, current wife, but
she was warned off me a bit as well because
of my disability. But she's obviously a very caring person,
so that wasn't wasn't a big concern for her. I
(15:00):
know my my dad was warned off my mum for
the same reason as his grandma. So, um, it's always
been a thing. And, um, it's just an assumption that
we're going to need to be looked after and babied and, uh,
those things, I think that's, uh, more of a societal
issue that needs to be fixed, that that attitude that
(15:22):
disabled people need to be be looked after or aren't able.
S11 (15:26):
There are definitely people out there that are that are
pushing those boundaries and and doing their bit to make
it evident to society that we are more than capable.
S10 (15:35):
Yeah. And I think I think if you look at
the the blind people who are together say you've got two,
two vision impaired people in the same relationship. Um, you know,
some of them are really successful, you know, so I think,
you know, you look at me and Adele like, she
she really improves me as who I am and makes
me more efficient and does stuff for me. But people were. Yeah, two,
(15:56):
two blind people in a relationship are equally supportive of
each other and understanding of of that situation. And, um,
how frustrating it can be. So, uh, they can support
each other in that way as well. So, yeah.
S11 (16:10):
I was also going to ask you whether you not
out on a date. I wasn't going to ask you
out on a date. That came out wrong. I was
also going to ask you, uh, do you prefer to
date sighted individuals or other people with a vision impairment?
S10 (16:24):
I wouldn't say I have a preference for either. I
don't go looking for one over the other. But yeah,
there's there's pros and cons to each. So, yeah, you know,
understanding and support and their own abilities, how much they
might lean on you for support. And um, you know,
in different ways. So everyone has their pros and cons
and limitations and.
S9 (16:45):
Um.
S10 (16:46):
History and all those things.
S9 (16:48):
So.
S3 (16:51):
Very interesting. Uh, I've, I've dated plenty of blind people
or vision impaired people, and I've also dated a few
sighted people. And one thing he said that is absolutely
correct is that blind and vision impaired couples can be successful. So,
for example, Stephen and I, we have both things that
(17:12):
we're good at around the house and things that we're not.
I can't vacuum a floor or mop to save my life. However,
I'm a pro when it comes to sorting out and folding,
washing and putting it away in record time. So we
delegate and we divide the responsibilities based on what we're
good at, what we can do. And I think again,
(17:33):
that's the important thing is how do you work as
a couple. How do you work as a team? Because
in my opinion, a relationship, a marriage, whatever it is
that you've got with someone, if you're living with them
like it's a team, you are part of a team now.
You can't just be out there thinking about yourself. You
need to think about the other person as well. And
(17:54):
it's dream work. Teamwork makes the dream work, they say.
S2 (17:58):
The other point I'd like to make, really, is that
often we get comments on Facebook or from people that
we know who are either able bodied or often where
one of them has a disability and the other one
is able bodied, that we're out and about a lot,
you know, we're doing a lot of stuff, and there
seems to be this how can you manage that? And it's, well,
(18:22):
what else are we going to do?
S3 (18:23):
Well, I put it back on the person. Like how
do you manage it? Um, okay. So you've got a car. Mhm.
But we can catch public transport or we can get
an Uber or support workers. Like we can still get driven.
Well there's no limit to what we can do.
S2 (18:37):
I think part of the problem often is that when
you're dealing with a car centric society like ours is,
and you have one person who can drive and one
person who can't. They're the ones with all the power.
So they're the one that ends up deciding, all right,
we're going to go somewhere and do something.
S3 (18:52):
Admittedly, this is a problem that I have faced before,
and it's hard. And it's kind of one of the
reasons we broke up is because at first they were
so wanting to drive me places. Yes, to university and
to this and that. And I got really used to
it and really happy with it. And then whenever we
had a fight and they wanted to control stuff, it
(19:12):
was like, yeah, I'm not going to drive you there anymore.
So it made life inconvenient. So I'm Stephen, I'm sorry
to say this, but I'm glad you can't drive. Um,
and you're probably glad I can't drive. Except I can
drive you up the wall. Yeah. So.
S2 (19:28):
Well, I mean, it comes down to it. I mean, okay,
we did next to nothing in the last weekend because
it was hot and miserable. The one time we went
outside the house on the weekend was to do some shopping.
S3 (19:41):
Oh. Lucky you.
S2 (19:43):
So that was the only thing we did because we
didn't really want to do anything else anyway. But otherwise, no,
I mean, we usually find something to do to do
over the weekend and sometimes during the week and all
that sort of stuff. It just requires a little bit
of planning, and it's a case of not having that
conversation of, oh, oh, because I'll have to drive or
the cars needs to be repaired or or something like that.
(20:06):
There's no excuses.
S3 (20:07):
No. And it's easy enough in this day and age
with NDIS and all that, to organise support, if that's
what you like. Yesterday I was out and about all
day with the help of a support worker. But you know,
I did what I normally do. Like what any normal
person would do. You know, I went to church, took
my stepson swimming. You know, I have a myriad of
activities I'm going to do. And, uh, just because one
(20:30):
of us can't drive doesn't mean we can't do them.
We've got support for that.
S2 (20:33):
Well, the last person we were talking to is Lily,
and she's got 1 or 2 things to say.
S7 (20:43):
My experience now, as my vision has.
S1 (20:45):
Declined in the last, um, sort of 3 or 4 years,
quite significantly, is that I don't disclose on the app,
but I disclose in the first interaction. Um, when I
say interaction, I mean the first phone conversation. I don't
do it in, um, writing, uh, Thing I will when
I'm speaking on the phone to this person and realizing
(21:07):
I'd like to speak to this person some more, I'll disclose,
and I'll disclose in a way that I don't go
into every single detail and da da da da. But
just that, you know, um, I have a vision impairment.
This is how much vision I have left, and this
is how it affects my functioning. As you know, I
(21:27):
might say that word, but, um, I usually get complete
silence when I disclose, and then I'll ask them, you know, ask,
do you have any questions? You know, is there? And
then I'll say, look, I, I fully understand that that's
something you might need to have a think about. And
I'm happy for you to go away and have a
(21:47):
think about it. Um, and if you come back with. Yeah. No,
I don't think so. That's absolutely fine. That's your choice
to make. I've had many, um, experiences. Uh, not so recently, actually.
Quite not. So that long ago, actually. um, because I
ride a bike now, you know, and this person rode
a bike and he said, oh, it'll be great. We
(22:08):
could go on trail rides together. And I went, uh, well,
only you're going to get on the front of the tandem.
I'd already disclosed that I'm the athlete and rode a
tandem and, uh, he went, oh, no, no, I was
thinking that I would just ride in front of you
and you could just follow me. If you were right
on my wheel, you'd be okay, right? I went, no,
(22:30):
I wouldn't, and it was I had to chuckle about that.
And then I sort of explained why that wouldn't work. And, uh, um,
and then he went away and thought about it and
then sort of came back and went, yeah, no, it's, uh,
you know, thanks, but no thanks. And that's okay, you know. Yeah.
All right, no worries. That's fine. So yeah, disclosure was
(22:53):
the biggest thing. Um, yeah. Look, I, I'm yet to
disclose on the app, uh, that's just something I, I
guess for me, I really. have a belief that there's
so much more to the person that I am than
my vision impairment, so I don't want that to be
all that they see and then flick you away because
(23:14):
of that. You know, um, that's my choice, uh, to make.
And I've had some really lovely experiences, actually, with people
once they understand and once they meet me in person, go, oh, God,
look again. That I fully expected you to be not
looking like that. And I was like, yeah, I know,
you know, I'm pretty normal. Otherwise I just talk a lot.
S11 (23:37):
You know?
S1 (23:38):
Um, and I, I have all these other quirks, and
the vision impairment is the least of it, you know? Um,
I would rather you say you didn't want to date
me because I talk too much, to be honest, but, um. Yeah, so. Well,
I don't know if it's preference, but I guess I've
only ever dated. Sighted. Um, I yeah, look, I, I
(23:59):
just I've only ever dated sighted people. I haven't, uh,
I haven't ever been in, I guess any other had
any opportunity to meet people with vision impairment date. So
I haven't, you know, been out in, in the world
and actually actively sought out, um, someone with a vision
impairment to date. So, um, yeah, I guess my preference
is sighted, um, and that that is my, my preference. Um,
(24:24):
you know, I guess, uh, for me, again, going back
to the travel and the just, you know, being in the,
in the, you know, wanting to experience some things where
it would be helpful for someone to explain, um, my
environment to me. And if it was with a partner traveling,
they could do that for me. Um, uh, again, you know,
(24:45):
not being in that situation yet, but, uh, yeah. So
the whole dating thing is, is, uh, yeah, quite, uh,
quite new ish to me because I, I was married
for 27 years. So coming out in the, in the
world as a single woman, um, with a vision impairment.
It certainly was not, um, easy. Um, but you know what?
(25:08):
Since I've done this this last couple of years where I've,
I haven't done a lot of dating. I've been chosen
to be single. I, I'm really empowered now to advocate
for my myself. And if someone doesn't like it, that's okay.
See you. And you know what my daughter always says
to me, mom, you know what? It's okay. They weren't
(25:29):
the one for you. If they don't understand and they're
not accepting of you and any difference you may have,
then they're not the one. You know. She's a smart
little cookie.
S9 (25:38):
So. Yeah.
S2 (25:48):
Anything to unpack from this one again?
S3 (25:50):
Lily is a very self-assured person. She's self-assured. She knows
what she wants in a partner and knows what she doesn't.
And she's not afraid to say, if you can't handle that,
that's fine. And that's essentially as blind people, as disabled people.
We need to accept the fact it sucks, I know,
but we need to accept the fact that not everybody's
(26:11):
going to be open to dating us. And instead of
looking at life through this negative lens or spitting the
dummy or, you know, complaining about how society is so unfair,
if we can come to a place of acceptance and
knowing that we will eventually find the person that we're after,
life will be a lot easier.
S2 (26:40):
That is a wrap for this week. Uh, who are
we thinking this week?
S3 (26:44):
We are thinking Maddie, Jody, Carly, Emma, Steven, Kay and Lily.
And of course, a big thank you for listening.
S12 (26:54):
You can find the podcast for this program.
S2 (26:57):
Including some extra little bits that we couldn't quite fit
in the radio show on Apple, Spotify, Google or your
favorite podcast platform. Next week, we're catching up with Paralympic
triathlete and Commonwealth Games silver medallist Sam Harding. That is,
once I've actually asked him if he wants to be
on the show or not.
S3 (27:14):
Okay, great. Cool. But between now and then, please do
get in touch with the show. Whether you have experience
of any of the issues covered on this week's episode
of Studio One, or if you think there's something we
should be talking about. You never know. Your story and
insight may help someone who's dealing with something similar.
S2 (27:31):
You can email us Studio one. Org. That's studio number
one at Vision Australia. Org.
S3 (27:37):
Of course you can search for us on your social
media platforms, whether that be Facebook, Instagram or Twitter and
look up VA Radio Network. We want to hear from you.
S2 (27:48):
But until then, bye for now.
S13 (27:54):
Vision Australia Radio gratefully acknowledges the support of the Community
Broadcasting Foundation for Studio One.
This is studio one on Vision Australia radio.
S2 (00:11):
Hello. I'm Sam.
S3 (00:12):
And I'm Lizzie.
S2 (00:14):
And this is studio one, your weekly look at life
from a low vision and blind point of view. Here
on Vision Australia radio.
S3 (00:20):
On this week's show, how do you cope in the
world of love and romance?
S2 (00:25):
With Valentine's Day coming up on Friday, we ask a
few friends about their experiences dating.
S3 (00:31):
As we always say at this point, please do get
in touch with the show if you have any experience
with the issues covered on this week's episode of Studio One,
or if you think there's something we should be talking about.
You never know. Your story and insight may help someone
who's dealing with something similar.
S2 (00:46):
You can email us Studio One at Vision Australia. Org.
That's studio number one at Vision Australia.
S3 (00:51):
Org or perhaps you can leave us a comment on
our Facebook page. Just go to facebook.com slash radio network.
S2 (01:00):
Hello Lizzie, we're on the Valentine's Day week again. Um,
it doesn't seem like a year since we, uh, were
talking about this last time.
S3 (01:10):
I don't know about you, Sam, but my head's been
filled with love songs all week. And it's not spring,
but the smell of fresh cut flowers bombards my nostrils
at every turn.
S2 (01:21):
Well, yeah, I've always had this mixed feeling on, um,
on Valentine's Day. Really? Um, when me and Heidi first
got together. Yes. We would go out to dinner and
we'd get each other a nice bottle of wine or
something like that to drink or to share. And as
the years have gone past, it's just become another day.
(01:45):
And it's like, all right. Oh, yeah, it's Valentine's Day.
All right. What's on the telly?
S3 (01:49):
I understand you, Sam, but for me, I, I mean,
Stephen and I, our relationship is much newer than yours.
We've been together for four and a half years. However,
I'm often so busy, and he's often so busy, and
we're just doing a lot of our different things, which,
you know, you'd know. You know, you and Heidi would
surely be somewhat the same. And so whenever Valentine's Day
(02:11):
comes around and it gives us an excuse to spend
time with each other. Oh, yeah, of course we we
go all out. And, I mean, we don't buy each
other expensive gifts, but we all, like, pick a recipe
out of a recipe book. Like this week we've picked
a recipe and we're going to make it. It's a
it's a two course meal. We're going to make it
together and we're going to sit down and have a
(02:32):
romantic dinner. Steven bought me some wine. He's got some
some beer and we'll we're going to just do something
simple like that. But it's it's a time to just
check in with each other for us and.
S2 (02:43):
Well, what we have said in previous episodes, and this
is the absolutely fascinating thing about this community in which
we live in, was when we did this, this time
last year, it was trying to get blood from the
proverbial stone. It was people did not want to talk
about it.
S3 (03:03):
It's funny about that because exactly like when we were
trying to get bits and pieces together for this show,
nobody wanted to share their experience. But it was. I
would like to say, I would like to think that
it was a successful show. You know, it garnered quite
a response from the community. And so after that, we
were bombarded with, when are you going to do another
(03:24):
dating show? I want to tell my story. And I
just thought, you guys have left it a bit late, like,
I'm sorry, but you don't have to wait till next
year now. So now we've gathered everybody together in one place,
and we bring to you some more stories.
S2 (03:39):
Exactly. Mind you, the first two. Well, they wouldn't say
that their dating life has been successful. And they're both
successful athletes as well. Bizarrely enough.
S4 (03:54):
That's a good question because I actually haven't dated before.
So yeah, I I'm not sure. I probably go with
someone who's excited just because I'm so restricted with my
vision and not being able to drive, and it limits
everything that I can do. So yeah.
S5 (04:17):
I only really had one boyfriend prior to my husband, and, uh,
we met at school and that was through, uh, we
were both in the school band, um, and I, I
wouldn't say it was really, uh, wasn't a serious thing.
And when I met my husband, he was playing goalball. Um,
(04:40):
so obviously we were both vision impaired, and, um, and
it wasn't an issue for either of us because we
both vision impaired.
S3 (04:47):
Well, that was the next question was whether you prefer
to date, um, sighted individuals or people with a vision impairment.
S5 (04:54):
To be honest, it doesn't really bother me. Uh, it was.
I never really thought about it back in the day. Uh,
it was just that I met, uh, Neil playing goalball,
and he was number seven for Ballarat and I was
number seven for Victorian women. And we started cheering for
each other. And.
S2 (05:15):
This seemed to be a theme here with, uh, with
athletes and ex-athletes, uh, because, uh, yes, I describe my, uh,
dating history when I was competing as somewhat shambolic. So, um, uh,
whether we couldn't find the time or whether it was
just mean that we were busy for that kind of thing.
S3 (05:33):
Yeah. You have used that word before, Sam. Shambolic, definitely. Uh,
I don't know. Uh, having never been a really successful
athlete myself, I wouldn't know.
S2 (05:41):
I also don't I think that sometimes people don't know
what to make of us, um, because on especially able bodied. Um,
because on one side, yes. Um, uh, these vulnerable disabled
people and people don't understand the nature of disability. But
on the other hand, um, we're also extremely fit, um,
(06:03):
attractive individuals, uh, or interesting individuals, as it were. So
does the maternal instinct break in or what? So yeah,
I think that sometimes, um, disabled athletes are a confusing
thing for singles to deal with.
S3 (06:20):
I think it's easier for the maternal instinct to kick
in with regards to disabled women. People tend to infantilize infantilize.
People tend to infantilize disabled women more so than men.
And I think it's because, uh, as women, we are
already seen in a position of being more vulnerable or
(06:41):
weaker or not able to look after ourselves. And then
you add disability to that and it just double folds.
So I don't know, like for you, I think it
must have been a real head scratcher when they saw you.
But for me, oftentimes I have to explain to people that, um,
my athletic career is a lot more involved than what
(07:02):
you think it is. It's not just getting on a
bike and going for a ride whenever I want to race.
It's actual training, so it's hard. It's hard. I can
imagine people's brains would be ready to explode.
S2 (07:15):
Um, I found in my time there I had a
lot of female friends and, uh, that things never moved
any further, and. But there were a few that. Yes,
if things looked like they were moving further with somebody,
all of a sudden there would be just a little
bit short and judgy and all that sort of stuff. So, um, yes,
(07:36):
the friend zone is maybe not be politically correct, but
it is a is a thing. And I think sometimes, um,
if you're not sure, make up your mind.
S3 (07:46):
Well, Sam, I'm just glad to hear that you found
your significant someone, because it's not so bad going through
life as a single, if that's what you want. But
if it's not what you want, uh, it's depressing.
S2 (07:57):
It is, it is. But anyway, let's hear from Emma
and Kylie.
S3 (08:04):
Well.
S6 (08:05):
I've actually not had any dating experience. I've had my moments,
you know, flirty moments. And I do chat online. Yep.
But what I like to do if I do chat
to people online is I ask them to send me
a voice message if they can, so I can hear
their voice to hear what they actually sound like. Oh
(08:29):
that's cool. Yeah. And with regard to would I rather
date sighted or people who are vision impaired, it. It
doesn't bother me. I mean, at the end of the day,
we're all human. We're all human beings. And it shouldn't
make a difference. Really?
S7 (08:48):
Oh, golly. Gosh. Okay. I'm, um. Toast. Probably coming up
nearly to a year post relationship, and I'm not even
phased at the moment. I'm, I guess, to a stage
in my life that. Yeah, this is a hard question, actually,
because one moment you feel, oh, no one's going to
(09:09):
want me because I can't, you know, I've got all
these quirks. I'll call them. But in the other hand,
why wouldn't someone want me? I'll give you the best, funniest, most,
you know, great ride in life you could possibly imagine.
So I'm not going to go out there looking for it.
I don't think it would be safe at all to
go on dating sites like in past. I'll be honest,
(09:32):
I have when I could see properly and in my
20s and it was fun, you know, but I this
is what you call a real blind date. That's what
it would be. So yeah, at the moment I'm just
I'm just really full steam ahead with career and and
(09:52):
my family. I've got two beautiful children and yeah, datings
dating is one of those things that and getting yourself
into I think dating for me I'm looking at it
like this. I would love to think that. I would
love to have somebody when the time's right, that life partner,
(10:12):
but also find them doing something I love. So connecting
in the tandem bike riding, you know, getting out there.
I want to do some other things as well. And
I guess that's trust the universe and trust the process
that someone might be there one day.
S8 (10:35):
Okay. I love that. Okay.
S3 (10:37):
Okay. Firstly, there's a lot to unpack there. Thank you. Girls. Ladies. Firstly, Carly,
I think she touched upon a really important issue. And
that is you need to be absolutely sure of yourself
because people who don't want you. And that there will
(10:57):
be a lot of rejection. As somebody with a disability
who's tried dating a lot, um, who's tried to to
be one of those girls with boyfriends all the time.
You know, when I was younger. And rejection comes more
than success and you need to be absolutely sure of yourself.
And so Carly saying what she did about I will
give you the the funniest and greatest and most enjoyable
(11:19):
ride of your life. Like, she knows as a person
what she's got to offer. And so for her, she's
not going to let something like rejection get her down. Well, okay.
You're not going to take the time to to explore
or to open yourself up to that, then that's your issue.
As for Emma, I find her open mindedness to be refreshing. Like,
she doesn't mind if it's vision impaired or blind person
(11:43):
that she's dating. She's open to human experience. And that's
the other thing. It's all about the human experience. So
a lot to unpack. But what about you, Sam? What
did you take away from all of that?
S2 (11:54):
Uh, I loved Carly's, uh, viewpoint of things and also
being realistic about things as well. She's not she's not
quite ready to do that sort of stuff. It's kind
of say, all right, if the universe presents something, then
it presents something. But otherwise I've got a life at
the moment.
S3 (12:08):
Yeah. And it's really interesting what she said about, you know,
connecting with people through tandems and all the other activities
she does. She's quite a busy person. Often those are
the places where you find that connection. I mean, it's
all well and good to go on a dating site
and look for that connection. And but to me that's
somewhat forced. Whereas if you're just going about your daily
(12:29):
life and like you're at the gym and you meet
someone like you already know, you've got that interest in common,
or you meet someone at a bookstore or at a library,
or you're out for coffee or you're hiking. At least
you know that the person you've met up with has
that one thing in common with you. Like, um, Steven
and I, classic Story again music group. We both love music.
(12:51):
We're both musicians. We both love to jam, and that
is really what brought us together is love of music. So,
you know, that is a testament, I think, to the
real world power of just getting out there doing what
you love and finding connection in that.
S2 (13:06):
Well, that's the thing is that these apps. The reason
why you're on there is for one thing only, that's
to find somebody else. Yeah. Whereas yes, we tend to
do more when we're just out there living our lives.
All right. So we're going to be finishing up with
Steven and Lily and no, not yours Steven. We were
just talking about a Steven. But this is the other Steven, Steven,
(13:29):
Steven K, we might just call him.
S9 (13:35):
Um.
S10 (13:36):
But yeah, there's been some frustration in regards to the
business hours. Um, people either wanting to overcare for me
or finding, uh, me a bit of a burden as
far as, yeah, doing sighted guide or any of those things.
So there's been either end of that extreme of people
(13:57):
being too, too nurturing or finding it too hard to
look after me, if you like. I don't find the thing.
think I'm a person who needs a lot of. I'm
quite independent and quite able. But some yeah, partners I
have had have been found at either end of extremes.
(14:18):
You know, it depends who you're with and who you
need to find someone who matches you for who you are,
whether part of your disability or otherwise. There's definitely been
some prejudgment, again, as you say, about disability. Um, sorry.
As I said about employment, there's an assumption that you
(14:39):
may be a burden or a bit of work or
less on your who you are and your abilities and
stuff there too. Um, even my, uh, current wife, but
she was warned off me a bit as well because
of my disability. But she's obviously a very caring person,
so that wasn't wasn't a big concern for her. I
(15:00):
know my my dad was warned off my mum for
the same reason as his grandma. So, um, it's always
been a thing. And, um, it's just an assumption that
we're going to need to be looked after and babied and, uh,
those things, I think that's, uh, more of a societal
issue that needs to be fixed, that that attitude that
(15:22):
disabled people need to be be looked after or aren't able.
S11 (15:26):
There are definitely people out there that are that are
pushing those boundaries and and doing their bit to make
it evident to society that we are more than capable.
S10 (15:35):
Yeah. And I think I think if you look at
the the blind people who are together say you've got two,
two vision impaired people in the same relationship. Um, you know,
some of them are really successful, you know, so I think,
you know, you look at me and Adele like, she
she really improves me as who I am and makes
me more efficient and does stuff for me. But people were. Yeah, two,
(15:56):
two blind people in a relationship are equally supportive of
each other and understanding of of that situation. And, um,
how frustrating it can be. So, uh, they can support
each other in that way as well. So, yeah.
S11 (16:10):
I was also going to ask you whether you not
out on a date. I wasn't going to ask you
out on a date. That came out wrong. I was
also going to ask you, uh, do you prefer to
date sighted individuals or other people with a vision impairment?
S10 (16:24):
I wouldn't say I have a preference for either. I
don't go looking for one over the other. But yeah,
there's there's pros and cons to each. So, yeah, you know,
understanding and support and their own abilities, how much they
might lean on you for support. And um, you know,
in different ways. So everyone has their pros and cons
and limitations and.
S9 (16:45):
Um.
S10 (16:46):
History and all those things.
S9 (16:48):
So.
S3 (16:51):
Very interesting. Uh, I've, I've dated plenty of blind people
or vision impaired people, and I've also dated a few
sighted people. And one thing he said that is absolutely
correct is that blind and vision impaired couples can be successful. So,
for example, Stephen and I, we have both things that
(17:12):
we're good at around the house and things that we're not.
I can't vacuum a floor or mop to save my life. However,
I'm a pro when it comes to sorting out and folding,
washing and putting it away in record time. So we
delegate and we divide the responsibilities based on what we're
good at, what we can do. And I think again,
(17:33):
that's the important thing is how do you work as
a couple. How do you work as a team? Because
in my opinion, a relationship, a marriage, whatever it is
that you've got with someone, if you're living with them
like it's a team, you are part of a team now.
You can't just be out there thinking about yourself. You
need to think about the other person as well. And
(17:54):
it's dream work. Teamwork makes the dream work, they say.
S2 (17:58):
The other point I'd like to make, really, is that
often we get comments on Facebook or from people that
we know who are either able bodied or often where
one of them has a disability and the other one
is able bodied, that we're out and about a lot,
you know, we're doing a lot of stuff, and there
seems to be this how can you manage that? And it's, well,
(18:22):
what else are we going to do?
S3 (18:23):
Well, I put it back on the person. Like how
do you manage it? Um, okay. So you've got a car. Mhm.
But we can catch public transport or we can get
an Uber or support workers. Like we can still get driven.
Well there's no limit to what we can do.
S2 (18:37):
I think part of the problem often is that when
you're dealing with a car centric society like ours is,
and you have one person who can drive and one
person who can't. They're the ones with all the power.
So they're the one that ends up deciding, all right,
we're going to go somewhere and do something.
S3 (18:52):
Admittedly, this is a problem that I have faced before,
and it's hard. And it's kind of one of the
reasons we broke up is because at first they were
so wanting to drive me places. Yes, to university and
to this and that. And I got really used to
it and really happy with it. And then whenever we
had a fight and they wanted to control stuff, it
(19:12):
was like, yeah, I'm not going to drive you there anymore.
So it made life inconvenient. So I'm Stephen, I'm sorry
to say this, but I'm glad you can't drive. Um,
and you're probably glad I can't drive. Except I can
drive you up the wall. Yeah. So.
S2 (19:28):
Well, I mean, it comes down to it. I mean, okay,
we did next to nothing in the last weekend because
it was hot and miserable. The one time we went
outside the house on the weekend was to do some shopping.
S3 (19:41):
Oh. Lucky you.
S2 (19:43):
So that was the only thing we did because we
didn't really want to do anything else anyway. But otherwise, no,
I mean, we usually find something to do to do
over the weekend and sometimes during the week and all
that sort of stuff. It just requires a little bit
of planning, and it's a case of not having that
conversation of, oh, oh, because I'll have to drive or
the cars needs to be repaired or or something like that.
(20:06):
There's no excuses.
S3 (20:07):
No. And it's easy enough in this day and age
with NDIS and all that, to organise support, if that's
what you like. Yesterday I was out and about all
day with the help of a support worker. But you know,
I did what I normally do. Like what any normal
person would do. You know, I went to church, took
my stepson swimming. You know, I have a myriad of
activities I'm going to do. And, uh, just because one
(20:30):
of us can't drive doesn't mean we can't do them.
We've got support for that.
S2 (20:33):
Well, the last person we were talking to is Lily,
and she's got 1 or 2 things to say.
S7 (20:43):
My experience now, as my vision has.
S1 (20:45):
Declined in the last, um, sort of 3 or 4 years,
quite significantly, is that I don't disclose on the app,
but I disclose in the first interaction. Um, when I
say interaction, I mean the first phone conversation. I don't
do it in, um, writing, uh, Thing I will when
I'm speaking on the phone to this person and realizing
(21:07):
I'd like to speak to this person some more, I'll disclose,
and I'll disclose in a way that I don't go
into every single detail and da da da da. But
just that, you know, um, I have a vision impairment.
This is how much vision I have left, and this
is how it affects my functioning. As you know, I
(21:27):
might say that word, but, um, I usually get complete
silence when I disclose, and then I'll ask them, you know, ask,
do you have any questions? You know, is there? And
then I'll say, look, I, I fully understand that that's
something you might need to have a think about. And
I'm happy for you to go away and have a
(21:47):
think about it. Um, and if you come back with. Yeah. No,
I don't think so. That's absolutely fine. That's your choice
to make. I've had many, um, experiences. Uh, not so recently, actually.
Quite not. So that long ago, actually. um, because I
ride a bike now, you know, and this person rode
a bike and he said, oh, it'll be great. We
(22:08):
could go on trail rides together. And I went, uh, well,
only you're going to get on the front of the tandem.
I'd already disclosed that I'm the athlete and rode a
tandem and, uh, he went, oh, no, no, I was
thinking that I would just ride in front of you
and you could just follow me. If you were right
on my wheel, you'd be okay, right? I went, no,
(22:30):
I wouldn't, and it was I had to chuckle about that.
And then I sort of explained why that wouldn't work. And, uh, um,
and then he went away and thought about it and
then sort of came back and went, yeah, no, it's, uh,
you know, thanks, but no thanks. And that's okay, you know. Yeah.
All right, no worries. That's fine. So yeah, disclosure was
(22:53):
the biggest thing. Um, yeah. Look, I, I'm yet to
disclose on the app, uh, that's just something I, I
guess for me, I really. have a belief that there's
so much more to the person that I am than
my vision impairment, so I don't want that to be
all that they see and then flick you away because
(23:14):
of that. You know, um, that's my choice, uh, to make.
And I've had some really lovely experiences, actually, with people
once they understand and once they meet me in person, go, oh, God,
look again. That I fully expected you to be not
looking like that. And I was like, yeah, I know,
you know, I'm pretty normal. Otherwise I just talk a lot.
S11 (23:37):
You know?
S1 (23:38):
Um, and I, I have all these other quirks, and
the vision impairment is the least of it, you know? Um,
I would rather you say you didn't want to date
me because I talk too much, to be honest, but, um. Yeah, so. Well,
I don't know if it's preference, but I guess I've
only ever dated. Sighted. Um, I yeah, look, I, I
(23:59):
just I've only ever dated sighted people. I haven't, uh,
I haven't ever been in, I guess any other had
any opportunity to meet people with vision impairment date. So
I haven't, you know, been out in, in the world
and actually actively sought out, um, someone with a vision
impairment to date. So, um, yeah, I guess my preference
is sighted, um, and that that is my, my preference. Um,
(24:24):
you know, I guess, uh, for me, again, going back
to the travel and the just, you know, being in the,
in the, you know, wanting to experience some things where
it would be helpful for someone to explain, um, my
environment to me. And if it was with a partner traveling,
they could do that for me. Um, uh, again, you know,
(24:45):
not being in that situation yet, but, uh, yeah. So
the whole dating thing is, is, uh, yeah, quite, uh,
quite new ish to me because I, I was married
for 27 years. So coming out in the, in the
world as a single woman, um, with a vision impairment.
It certainly was not, um, easy. Um, but you know what?
(25:08):
Since I've done this this last couple of years where I've,
I haven't done a lot of dating. I've been chosen
to be single. I, I'm really empowered now to advocate
for my myself. And if someone doesn't like it, that's okay.
See you. And you know what my daughter always says
to me, mom, you know what? It's okay. They weren't
(25:29):
the one for you. If they don't understand and they're
not accepting of you and any difference you may have,
then they're not the one. You know. She's a smart
little cookie.
S9 (25:38):
So. Yeah.
S2 (25:48):
Anything to unpack from this one again?
S3 (25:50):
Lily is a very self-assured person. She's self-assured. She knows
what she wants in a partner and knows what she doesn't.
And she's not afraid to say, if you can't handle that,
that's fine. And that's essentially as blind people, as disabled people.
We need to accept the fact it sucks, I know,
but we need to accept the fact that not everybody's
(26:11):
going to be open to dating us. And instead of
looking at life through this negative lens or spitting the
dummy or, you know, complaining about how society is so unfair,
if we can come to a place of acceptance and
knowing that we will eventually find the person that we're after,
life will be a lot easier.
S2 (26:40):
That is a wrap for this week. Uh, who are
we thinking this week?
S3 (26:44):
We are thinking Maddie, Jody, Carly, Emma, Steven, Kay and Lily.
And of course, a big thank you for listening.
S12 (26:54):
You can find the podcast for this program.
S2 (26:57):
Including some extra little bits that we couldn't quite fit
in the radio show on Apple, Spotify, Google or your
favorite podcast platform. Next week, we're catching up with Paralympic
triathlete and Commonwealth Games silver medallist Sam Harding. That is,
once I've actually asked him if he wants to be
on the show or not.
S3 (27:14):
Okay, great. Cool. But between now and then, please do
get in touch with the show. Whether you have experience
of any of the issues covered on this week's episode
of Studio One, or if you think there's something we
should be talking about. You never know. Your story and
insight may help someone who's dealing with something similar.
S2 (27:31):
You can email us Studio one. Org. That's studio number
one at Vision Australia. Org.
S3 (27:37):
Of course you can search for us on your social
media platforms, whether that be Facebook, Instagram or Twitter and
look up VA Radio Network. We want to hear from you.
S2 (27:48):
But until then, bye for now.
S13 (27:54):
Vision Australia Radio gratefully acknowledges the support of the Community
Broadcasting Foundation for Studio One.
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