Ask Uncut - Do You Have A Work Crush? - Life Uncut

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode was recorded on cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura,
I'm Brittany, and this is ask gun cut where we
answer you're deep, you're duck, and you're burning questions. Also,

(00:22):
I just want to say very big thank you to
everyone because this is the first episode. I know we
had Friday's episode come out, but this is the first
episode since the break news, and I just want to
say thank you for so many really really nice messages
that I've received.

Speaker 2 (00:35):
Imagine if you didn't get nice messages though, actually, if
it was like, fuck you having another baby in an
overpopulated world.

Speaker 3 (00:41):
What about that one you got about twins?

Speaker 4 (00:43):
Oh, someone messaged me.

Speaker 1 (00:44):
I was like, please only send me positive news stories
about going from two to three, because, like I told
you on the last episode, everyone likes to tell you
how insane you are. And this one woman message and
she was like, yeah, She's like, two to three sound
like a fucking great idea, except now I'm eighteen weeks
pregnant with twins. Imagine going from two to four. That
would just mess you right up sideways.

Speaker 2 (01:04):
One of my really good friends that you guys know, Tany.
Shout out to Tany. She listens to every episode. She'll
f off that. But she had child, she had two kids.
She was I'm in and iroing for the third. They
decided to She's now got four under four. She had twins.
That's so wid Did she just start a small business
like last year? You know what? Fuck it chilling, Charlie.

(01:25):
It's a pajama business. It's amazing. She's one of those
superhero moms. It's like she's an architect, works full time,
started a business four kids under four and a half.

Speaker 1 (01:33):
This is a real thing, though I can't remember where
I read it, but women who have babies and then
start businesses after becoming mums well productive. Yeah, there's this
real entrepreneurship that happens. And I also we're very lucky
with the current climate with like social media and the
accessibility of starting small online businesses. It's definitely a thing,
and I think it's because having your own business obviously

(01:55):
starts as a bit of a creative idea, often during
maternity leave. But it's something that you can within your
own time, dependent on what it is, and often it's
these businesses that end up blowing the hell up I've
mentioned it before, kire Crumble. She has quite a few
different businesses now, but a lot of them were inspired
off the back of motherhood.

Speaker 4 (02:13):
And I think even for us, like when we started.

Speaker 1 (02:15):
You guys probably remember I started May and Move with
my sister, which is like a crocheted blanket brand. Mind you,
I haven't had the time to dedicate to it that
I probably need because of the other basillian businesses that
we've got going on. But I think sometimes as a mum,
you see a gap or you see something that you
would have liked yourself, and that's kind of like a
business opportunity.

Speaker 2 (02:33):
And I guess you're not sleeping anyway, I.

Speaker 4 (02:35):
Might as well add MOUTI might as well.

Speaker 3 (02:37):
Be doing emails while we're feeding, right, Yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:39):
I think the thing is And I mean maybe this
is just talking to my friend Tiny as well, but
you do hear that mothers are more productive because the
time they have less time, so the time that they've
got they just knuckle down. Like I know, for her,
she's realized with four kids at home that she's like,
I want more autonomy and I want to be able
to do stuff at home, and I want something that's
more mine yeah, so I think that's really cool. I
also said she's an architect, so she's an engineer. But

(03:01):
I just want to rectify that we're best.

Speaker 5 (03:02):
Friends actually on that though, Like Laura, I actually remember
you teaching me about this. It'd have to be over
a year ago now, but you gave me such a
different perspective on it in terms of employing mothers, because
I kind of had maybe a little bit of a
really wrong and a bit of a judgmental attitude that
if women were employed and they had kids, they had
priorities that were greater.

Speaker 4 (03:23):
Than their work.

Speaker 5 (03:24):
And I thought, well, that's always going to be the
case until their kids are of a certain age. And
you taught me, if you hire mums, they will work
the hardest of anyone in the room because they don't
have the time to fuck around.

Speaker 3 (03:36):
They're not the ones going and getting.

Speaker 5 (03:37):
The coffees and going and taking the extra time to
chat with everybody in the office, because once their worktime stops,
they have to parent and they will get their shit done.

Speaker 3 (03:46):
And it really really shifted things to me.

Speaker 5 (03:48):
I was like, Wow, that's a perspective I hadn't thought
about before, and it's probably one hundred percent true.

Speaker 3 (03:52):
And I think that heralding women in that way is
a really really.

Speaker 2 (03:55):
Good thing that you did.

Speaker 3 (03:56):
You shifted my mindset on it.

Speaker 2 (03:57):
Maybe that's what I need to do, because I've got
all these bits and since in the back of my
mind and I can't start them, maybe I need to
get pregnant and then I'll become super successful.

Speaker 1 (04:05):
At the same time, you're already super successful, breathing.

Speaker 4 (04:07):
That's the problem. You already have.

Speaker 1 (04:09):
Businesses, but you're like, but now I need a sunglass brand.

Speaker 2 (04:12):
No, I have these two brands. It's so annoying I have.
I've got business names, I've paid for them, I've trademarked them.
They're sitting there and it's really annoying because I feel
like I was just taking off and then I'm not
going to say who, but somebody, very very big in
Australian media just launched the same business. And now I
know that there's room for everyone and every markets saturated.

(04:35):
But I'm like, fucking oh, Like, if I did it
a year ago, I would have you know, but you
can't be like that. But now I've got to think,
do I still want to do it? Because this person,
I'll tell you off air. I can't go up against
this person.

Speaker 1 (04:45):
It is like, yeah, it's different when someone else is
doing up, but they're doing it really really well that's
the problem.

Speaker 2 (04:50):
Yeah, they're just I mean their reach and they're following
and who they are. Can I say we can be
if it's right.

Speaker 4 (04:57):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yeah, well look, guys, knock harded to derail this back
to myself for a second, but genuinely, I genuinely wanted
to say thank you, Like I just feel so I
feel so loved, Like, yeah, it means so much to me,
how much so many of you one listen to the
episode two cared message, like all of the just all
of the love and all of the support, and I

(05:20):
feel so lucky that this little baby gets to have
two amazing sisters. If you missed it, we're having a
girl yay, which.

Speaker 2 (05:28):
Also sorry Paul Matt, you're living with you, Maley Lola.

Speaker 3 (05:33):
But mom Ellie the cat that he didn't want a girl.

Speaker 1 (05:37):
The cat he's got Buster, at least he's got one.
Other doesn't do much.

Speaker 2 (05:43):
He's such a good boy. He just sits in the corner.
He doesn't contribute to the testosterone.

Speaker 4 (05:47):
He's such a good boy.

Speaker 1 (05:48):
No, look, I mean, Matt was always destined to be
a girl dad, and I guess maybe we'll have a
big conversation about it later on, but we've spoken about
gender disappointment before, and I absolutely don't want to put
Matt into the camp of having gender disappointment. He is
thrilled that we are having a girl, but he definitely
had the reaction of like, oh, okay, I have to

(06:09):
reassess my expectations around what I thought fatherhood would be
because he always saw himself as being a dad to
a boy.

Speaker 4 (06:17):
I don't plan on having another baby after this, so
like this is this is uh? He might have other ideas.
Let's can we gret.

Speaker 2 (06:23):
That audio and hold onto it for when number four.

Speaker 1 (06:25):
This is us and our family complete, I think, and
I guess like it was like a moment of whiplash
for him to get his head around, and he is
so so stoked that we're having another baby. He's so
sorry that we're having a girl, and he is the
best girl dad. And I think for me, I am
happy that it's a girl because I worry that bringing
a little boy into the dynamic would change the relationship

(06:48):
that he already has with our daughters and I say
this because you know, we have one nephew. We have
two nephews, sorry, but one that he spends a lot
of time with, which is George, his sister's son, and
anytime where all together. And Kate has two little girls,
and she also has a little boy, George. Matt instantly
b lines and they play football, and they do all
these things together, and it's like, well, I would hate

(07:10):
for you to think that they're the things you have
to do if we had a boy, and you don't
do those things with our girls, you know, And the
relationship he has with Malea and Laulu is so incredibly
special that I'm like, we were designed for this, you
were destined for this.

Speaker 2 (07:22):
I don't think he would change if he had a boy.
I don't think he'd change the way he treats the
girls in that sense. But I do think you can
have the same things running concurrently. I think that you
can have a level of gender disappointment and still be
equally thrilled, Like you can still be equally thrilled you're
getting a daughter and still have a level of like
could have been cool to dabble in something I haven't
dabbled in.

Speaker 4 (07:41):
Yeah, change of scenery would have been nice.

Speaker 5 (07:43):
Also, I don't want to make this too deep, and
we can cut it if you're not comfortable with it.
But Matt doesn't have a relationship with his dad, and
I wonder if there was a little bit of a
subconscious thing where he wanted to be the dad too,
you know, a figure that he never had as in
like I wonder if he kind of maybe wanted to parent.

Speaker 2 (07:59):
A boy the way that he was not raised as
a boy.

Speaker 4 (08:02):
Does that make sense?

Speaker 1 (08:03):
Yeah, And we've had big conversations not about not about
specifically being a dad tool boy, that being a dad
in general. And I think I wonder if other people
have experienced this, but like, there is something incredibly healing,
and this is a big conversation about and I have had.
There's something incredibly healing about becoming a parent when maybe
your experience of your childhood wasn't the idyllic childhood upbringing.

(08:27):
Because I really feel as though you get to heal
your own inner child by being the parent that you
always deserve to have. And I know that that's something
that Matt has felt because he's just the best dad.

Speaker 4 (08:38):
He's the best, best dad.

Speaker 1 (08:40):
And you know, he's always said, I want to be
the version of a dad that I didn't necessarily have,
So yeah, I'm so proud of him. And also, you know,
it took him a second and now he's soon on board.
So look, guys again, thank you. It's very exciting times.
I'm sure I'll update you and all of the gory
details along the way.

Speaker 4 (08:56):
You're going to be thrilled about it.

Speaker 2 (08:58):
Yeah. Oh, we are so much more content now.

Speaker 4 (09:00):
Thank god we were running drive.

Speaker 5 (09:01):
I can actually talk about it because there were so
many things going on in your personal life and you're like, oh,
I just I can't share that yet. So yeah, we're
going to get the backlog of all the funny stories I.

Speaker 2 (09:11):
Did, like, I genuinely loved going through all the guesses
of what was going to be on the Instagram post
like that was really fun. The people that thought all
three of us were having babies simultaneously, that was very optimistic.
I don't know on the same day, I don't know
how we would survive that.

Speaker 1 (09:24):
To be fair, that would be one situation where the
podcast would really struggle.

Speaker 2 (09:29):
I don't I don't know what would have happened. I
don't know how we would have survived that, so it's
probably as exciting as that would have been. Be grateful
that we're all not having babies simultaneously.

Speaker 1 (09:38):
And also the second biggest guess was that Britt is
now already married and she's moved to Italy. Those things,
those things are going to happen, like that's probably the
next big news that we have, like when we're teasing
an announcement, but realistically, well you have just the beginnings.

Speaker 2 (09:52):
Thanks Laura. I was holding on to that. Thanks. No,
it was exciting. I also did love the person that
wanted Ben to come on as a co host. I
thought that that was cute.

Speaker 1 (10:00):
I was like, wow, it really hit home with someone,
and I do want to also validate a lot of
people were talking about cloud, which I know that I
didn't mean to bait you with the cloud in the.

Speaker 3 (10:11):
We didn't think it's sorry, we're not thoughtful enough to
do Easter eggs.

Speaker 1 (10:14):
No, I'm not Taylor Swift, guys. I was just looking
for I was in a rush. I was also trying
to get food into both kids. It was soft, it
looked nice, and you know what, it was a template
in canvas that we used a long time ago, and
I was like that'll do, Pig, that'll do.

Speaker 2 (10:27):
We actually were all speaking in our messages being like, wow,
we really didn't think that one through. Like we definitely
did bait that it was something to do with Cloud,
but we didn't. No one knew, No one knew that
that's what we were baiting.

Speaker 4 (10:37):
We didn't.

Speaker 2 (10:37):
It didn't even cross our mind.

Speaker 4 (10:38):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (10:39):
And also, if you haven't listened to Cloud, listen, go
and listen. It is a fantastic podcast that we created.
Keisha created it, she's hosted it, she's produced it, and
it is all about living with adhd adhd like diagnosis.
It's a fucking girl podcast. Don't get that in your ears.

Speaker 5 (10:55):
Well, speaking of recommendation, should we get into vibes, I
thought you were going to recommend your pop.

Speaker 2 (11:00):
I'm just gonna recommend her again. Yeah, look, I'm going
to kick start then without two weeks like overseas and stuff.
I man, I watched some stuff like the Plane thirty
hours traveling. I download all a bunch of stuff and
I just watch whole series.

Speaker 4 (11:14):
Can I say?

Speaker 1 (11:15):
I had planned on trying to get through a couple
of seasons of I just wanted to watch White Lotus.
I wanted to watch it whilst I was on holiday.

Speaker 2 (11:20):
I still haven't watched it.

Speaker 1 (11:21):
I didn't watch a single thing, not one thing on holiday.

Speaker 4 (11:25):
I don't know what I did though.

Speaker 2 (11:27):
We just, I guess in family stuff, which is probably
better than more dolphins.

Speaker 3 (11:30):
You were very connected around it, and you should.

Speaker 4 (11:34):
I actually don't know what I did. I can't tell
you one thing.

Speaker 2 (11:36):
Tell you because you would send me photos you Laura
would send me photo of her at the beach, be
like I'm so free, I'm going to move here and
it was just like an empty beach and I was like, Okay,
see you back in the city next week. I was
like what she always saw that she goes this is
freedom and I was like, who are.

Speaker 4 (11:49):
You SHEDFOI has literally like making sand angels.

Speaker 2 (11:55):
She was on the ground making angels and she's like,
I just love it here, guys.

Speaker 4 (11:57):
I'm born to be in the country. I'm not born
to be here.

Speaker 2 (12:00):
I'm not I'm born to be on the Italian on
a yacht.

Speaker 4 (12:04):
But we all have what we want, all right, recommendations.

Speaker 2 (12:10):
Yes, so you so season five of you? We all
know what you is. Literally there's five seasons. This is
the final season. It came out like in the last
two weeks. It's really fresh. But I downloaded it straight
away and watched the entire thing.

Speaker 4 (12:22):
So many episodes are we talking.

Speaker 5 (12:24):
I think it's eight ten max eight, But it's see
what you can achieved when you're not doing sand angels.

Speaker 2 (12:30):
I see what you can achieve when you're on a
thirty hour flight. So if you've seen the reviews, it
is getting mixed reviews. And I went through each season,
so season one to five basically got like in terms
of percentage ratings, ninety five percent, ninety three percent, eighty
nine percent, like they sort of went down a little bit,
and I think this one's the lowest, seventy nine percent
or something. But I loved it. I really enjoyed it.

(12:53):
What I will say is it was and I think
you can feel it both things at the same time.
I was very frustrated by the choices the character's made.
You know, when you want to scream at a TV
like you're like, well, what did you think was going
to happen? Like that's what I was saying. I was like,
of course you're going to get murdered, Like why did
you do that? So you get this real frustration with
the characters, but it wasn't enough to not make you

(13:14):
want to watch it like you wanted to see it through.

Speaker 4 (13:16):
You just victim blame the characters.

Speaker 2 (13:18):
One hundred percent. I victim blamed. No, I wait, you
see it. Wait, you're like you idiot, I won't. Yeah, No,
you have to. You have to. It has to come.
It's one of those things that has to come full circle.

Speaker 4 (13:28):
And I haven't seen anything since season one.

Speaker 1 (13:30):
I watched all of season one and I loved it,
but I haven't seen any of the other seasons, so
it's too much.

Speaker 4 (13:35):
I'm now overwhelmed.

Speaker 2 (13:36):
Well, I've put Ben onto it. Ben's going to watch
all five seasons. And I think it's one of those
things that if you've ever watched one or two seasons,
just finish it, just go through, watch them all. So
I enjoyed it. It's definitely done. There is no room
for another season, and there shouldn't be, like it's run
its course.

Speaker 1 (13:51):
Why do you feel as though it's receiving negative backlash
this season verse the other four?

Speaker 2 (13:55):
I think because it's done. I think because it's like
we've explored so many storylines and almost getting a bit
unfathomable now, like this one is a bit almost a
bit fantastical. You're like, right, yeah, it's a bit like crazy.
But I think Penn Bagley, who is the lead, is brilliant,
Like he's very.

Speaker 5 (14:12):
Good, and I think he was perfectly cast. So he'll
always be danned from Gossip Girl totally. I saw that
he went on Call Her Daddy last week as well,
so yeah, let's not.

Speaker 2 (14:19):
Promote the biggest podcast in the world.

Speaker 4 (14:21):
I'm trure he'll be on Life on Card next week,
Key Show. What to vibe.

Speaker 5 (14:24):
My vibe of this week is because I traveled internationally
a week and a half ago, and this is something
that I've had for the past, I reckon maybe eleven years,
and it's a travel money card now mina through the
Commonwealth Bank because I bank with them, and this is
not an ad I have had these cards for as
long as I can remember. I remember not paying for them,

(14:44):
so I'm assuming that that's because I am a comm
Bank member already. I don't know how much it would
cost to just get one of these if you don't
bank with them, but I can't imagine it being much. Basically,
it's a prepaid visa card and it means that you
get no international transaction fees. So the way it works
for me is that it just as an additional bank
account in my set of bank accounts, so I can
transfer immediately, and I can also transfer out of it

(15:07):
immediately if I was to lose one of the cards
or whatever. I load it with Australian money whenever I
use it in no matter what country I'm in.

Speaker 2 (15:15):
If I haven't.

Speaker 5 (15:16):
Preloaded that particular currency, it will just take the day
exchange rate for that day and it will just transfer
it on the spot.

Speaker 2 (15:23):
So I always put just Australian money in it.

Speaker 5 (15:25):
I'm sure if you were smart enough or if you
were kind of checked in enough to notice when there
was a really good exchange rate, you can actually convert
some of the money into euro or you know, British
pound or whatever it might be that you need. I'm
not really that organized, though, so I just go with
the day rate.

Speaker 2 (15:41):
It's really really easy.

Speaker 5 (15:43):
No international transaction fees. So yeah, I've been using them
for as long as I've traveled internationally. And I was
just reminded about it because we went on the weekend
and my boyfriend was talking about having to unlock his
credit card, and I was like, Oh nah, don't worry
about that. Like we'll just use the travel cards. You know,
it's pretty safe. You can just put small amount of
money in there. And like I said, if there was
ever an emergency and you needed a large amount of money,

(16:06):
because I can just transfer immediately, it's really convenient for me.
So yeah, if you're traveling and you want a travel
money card, I really recommend the Combank ones I'm sure
that other banks would have their own versions.

Speaker 4 (16:17):
That is to be fair. My number one Achilles Heel.

Speaker 1 (16:20):
So if you go to Indonesia or you're traveling through Bali,
the ATMs work differently there. So in Australia they give
you your card back, then they give you your cash.

Speaker 4 (16:29):
That's how they work.

Speaker 1 (16:30):
In Indonesia, they give you your cash, then they give
you your card.

Speaker 2 (16:33):
And you walk away with it and.

Speaker 1 (16:35):
Then it says the problem is is it doesn't cancel
the transaction. Something pops up on screen which says do
you want to continue with your transaction? And all it
takes is for someone to be behind you go and
press yes. So the amount of times, and it's actually
embarrassing how many times it's happen, because you would think
I would learn I have lost my card and I
have had lots of money deducted from my account, which
I then had to go through insurance for. It's been

(16:57):
an absolute ball ake, and it's usually because I've had
a few it's something out of the club.

Speaker 2 (17:02):
Just get a car that you can attack.

Speaker 5 (17:03):
It's also if you don't have to have the cash
on you, which in Bali I usually do get some
cash because some places are there only take cash. But
if you don't have to have the cash on you, you
can just tap your card at restaurants and that which
is great.

Speaker 2 (17:15):
So I am with Iron g Irong if you guys
are with them. They're a bank that like doesn't have
an actual physical bank bank, so it's like all online.
But they don't charge transaction fees for international so anywhere
in the world that you are that you want to tap, well,
what it does is it charges it but then puts
it straight back in. So that's also like a good
thing too.

Speaker 4 (17:33):
Okay, Well, look, I have a recommendation guys.

Speaker 1 (17:35):
Over the Easter holiday, a really good friend of mine,
Mel she came and she was she spent Easter with us,
her and her little boy and her husband Enzo and
we had a great time as friends, and she has thanks.

Speaker 2 (17:47):
It's just not swinging or thanks for clarification. My recommendation
is the friends, very very platonic friend to hang out,
get your keys and a bowl. Renovated this house down
south so she can just go have sex parties. She
hasn't told no.

Speaker 1 (18:01):
Look. The reason why I'm recommending it is because she
has an Instagram page. She's a fantastic cook, like an
exceptional cook, and she has an Instagram page where she
has really awesome snacks foods that she creates. But a
lot of them are great if you're a parent and
you're wanting to get like healthy meals or healthy snacks
for your kids.

Speaker 4 (18:17):
I'm talking muffins.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
I'm talking like faux sweet treats that aren't actually sweet treats.
They've been created in a really incredibly healthy way. The
recipes are really simple. And this recipe that I want
to recommend is one that she made for the kids
on Easter Day. It was a pancake recipe. And now
I am pretty bad with cooking. I'm like a go
to the shops, get a water pancake mix that you
shake up and down and pour it out.

Speaker 4 (18:39):
Yeah, obviously that's what i'd do, whereas that horrified mel So.

Speaker 1 (18:45):
Firstly, the Instagram page for you to all go and
follow is called PW Pantry. That's where she has all
of her recipes. The food looks absolutely insane. But this
specific recipe, and I'm gonna read it out to you guys,
so you can kind of like jot it down.

Speaker 4 (18:58):
Now. It's two eggs, one luge banana.

Speaker 2 (19:01):
Oh, you're going to say the recipe.

Speaker 1 (19:02):
It's easy. There's only like six ingredients. Hear me out,
give me time. Two eggs, one luge banana, three quarter
cup of oats, half a teaspoon of baking soda, a
tiny bit of cinnamon, and a few dashes of coconut milk.
Then you add whatever vegetable you want, so she added
spinach to it. You could add zucchini, or you could
add beetroot and whatever.

Speaker 2 (19:22):
Pancake.

Speaker 4 (19:23):
Yeah, hear me out.

Speaker 1 (19:24):
Though, whatever whatever vegetable you add is the color. So
if you want pink pancakes, add a bit of beetroot.
If you want green pancakes, which is what we had,
she added spinach.

Speaker 4 (19:33):
Blitz it all in just a neutral bullet, like just chuckle.

Speaker 1 (19:35):
Those ingredients in, smash it in a nutra bullet, and
you have the most amazing, delicious, healthy pancakes for kids.

Speaker 2 (19:42):
Now, don't stress if you didn't write Laura's recipe down,
we will link it in the show.

Speaker 1 (19:46):
Note we will, but I specifically now have this printed
out and put it on our fridge.

Speaker 4 (19:49):
Melmegs it like twice a week, and I am following.

Speaker 1 (19:52):
I'm following in soup because I can't cook, but I
can cook this, and I'm proud of myself. So yeah,
go give it a follow Pew Pantry. Especially you're a
mum and you're wanting to, like are a parent, you're
wanting to make better food for your kids. I recommend
it so much. She's a fucking great cook. Anyways, let's
get into the questions. Question number one. Five months ago,
my fiance and I broke up. We have a one

(20:15):
point five year old one and a half year old
boy together and are doing our best to stay civil
for our child. When we broke up, my ex asked
that I introduce any new partners or potential step dads
to him, my ex, before I introduce them to our son.
I agreed, and I asked for the same in return,
But I recently met a really nice guy who has

(20:36):
major potential to be my future, but it has me
thinking that I want to experience what he is like
around and with my son before I tell my ex
and I'm seeing someone. I have mixed emotions, as I
do understand where my ex is coming from, but I
also don't want to have to tell my ex when
I'm seeing someone, as this could potentially just happen again
and again and again if this guy doesn't work out.

(20:57):
Please help a girl out. What do you think is
the best option in here. I'm happy to have the
conversation with my ex if the situation needs to change,
but I genuinely don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 (21:07):
I obviously have never been in this situation, but I
have pretty clear, strong feelings about it, and I think
absolutely you need to stick by the agreement you've had
with your ex. If you have said to your ex
both of you have agreed that you are going to
make sure you're introducing everyone before you introduce him to
the child, then you stick by that. And I don't
even think that's something that you should have to stick

(21:27):
by because you've said you've signed it. I think that
that's something you should do any way out of respect,
like you would want the same thing. So I think
if you flip the tables, if you found out that
he had his new girlfriend and she had been around
your kids for months before you knew, I imagine you would flip.
You would be like, I don't know who this person
is that he's hanging around, and I think that he

(21:48):
would feel exactly the same. I don't think there's much
room for discussion here, and especially if you want to
maintain a really civil co parenting relationship, you can't be
breaking the first major and most important rule that you've
set as a co parenting couple totally.

Speaker 1 (22:03):
Look, that doesn't mean that you can't reassess the rules.
You are absolutely allowed to have a conversation with your
ex where you're like, hey, I want to talk about
this decision that we made because I don't know if
I fully agree with it. Have a conversation about it.
But you don't get to just lie and then make
up a new rule because you've decided that now it

(22:23):
doesn't suit you anymore. And I think that it's a
lack of respect to your ex partner. It's a lack
of respect to your co parenting arrangement that you have
settled on, and also if it is your priority to
ensure that you maintain this really civil respect for each other,
and also, like you know, for how you're going to
navigate this next period of life, I really think you
owe it to honoring the agreements that you made. I also,

(22:46):
just like I want to say, I understand that you're
at a point where you're like, I don't want to
just have to tell my ex about every single person
I'm seeing. And also you don't have to tell your
X about every single person you're seeing. But you also
don't have to introduce your kid to every single person
you're seeing either, I think and I know. Firstly, I
know it's really hard when you have a really young
child to find the time to date, and often that

(23:08):
means that kids get introduced to new partners earlier than
maybe you might want to. But also I would really
recommend thinking about what works best for you but also
is going to be the best thing for your kids
later on. Because yes, your boy is only one point
five years old.

Speaker 2 (23:24):
Stop saying one point five. I can't pin you.

Speaker 1 (23:26):
Seriously, Yes he's only one and a half, which means
that he's not verbal enough to tell, you know, his dad,
that's how you're going to get away with it. But
there will come a time where this kid registers that
mum has a lot of friends that she's introduced to,
and I say this, and maybe I have a bit
more of a bias.

Speaker 4 (23:42):
I guess it is probably the right word.

Speaker 1 (23:45):
Growing up, I grew up in a family with loss
of divorce. My mum was divorced twice. My dad was
also divorced twice. Both of them married three times. And
I remember my mum dated, you know, she always kind
of had a partner or a boyfriend, and a lot
of them are really nice. You know. I don't have
any animosity around the people that she was dating. But

(24:05):
you do get introduced to these people that you're dating,
and then all of a sudden they're no longer a
part of your life, and there is a weird emotional
whiplash that happens. And there is this blueprint that you're
putting down on your kids, and you're creating in your
kids around what relationships look like. And I if I
was to ever go through that as a parent, I
definitely don't think I would be introducing my children to

(24:28):
anyone until I was absolutely certain that they were worthy
of meeting my kids, and that's how I would approach it.

Speaker 2 (24:34):
Yeah, and I think the difference here is and I
shouldn't say the difference, but I understand what she's saying.
What she's saying is I already know that I want
him to be part of my future, but the way
he is around my son is going to be a
very telling sign. And I absolutely agree with that, Like,
somebody can be amazing, but you need to see the
way they act around your kids, but better tell. But
that doesn't mean you still have to break the rules,

(24:57):
Like you still have to do the right thing by
your son and by your relationship with this new person,
and by your relationship with your ex. Unfortunately, I feel
like this comes with the territory of having a child
and being in a divorced relationship. I understand I wouldn't
want to run to my ex all the time to
and have him knowing that I'm seeing someone. He knows
now it failed. Now he knows I'm seeing someone else.

(25:17):
But it's just part and parcel, and I think it
comes with a territory. It's unfortunate, but you've said, you
know what would we do in that situation, I would
be doing the right thing by my ex because if
you and like I have people very close to me
in my life where that relationship between xes has and
the kids involved has gone sour and it just sets

(25:39):
the tone for the rest of.

Speaker 1 (25:41):
Your life lighteen years. Yeah, like I tel that kid
no longer is part of chance support you. Yeah, absolutely
ruin your ability to co parent amicably.

Speaker 2 (25:49):
Yeah, if you get each other offside early. From my
experience of what I'm seeing, when your parents that have
disagreed on something, like when you're co parenting, you've disagreed
on something, people seem to hold onto that a lot
more and then they start to use it as tip
for tat. So I think he need to be as
like amicable and honest and open as possible in every
relationship because that is what your future depends on.

Speaker 1 (26:11):
Yeah, And I guess the only thing I want to
add to that is, like you know, you've said, I
want to see and I want to experience what he
is like around and with my son before I tell
my ex that I'm seeing someone. Firstly, I probably wouldn't
be just introducing someone that you're quote unquote seeing. I
would be introducing someone who you've made a commitment to

(26:33):
and you know that there's someone that you Okay, he's
not seeing anyone else. I'm not seeing anyone else. We
are committed to seeing if this has potential and could work. Firstly,
that would be one hundred percent has to be And secondly,
I don't think your child should be the road test
for that, Like I don't think that you test it
out and see how they are with your kid before
you have conversations with other people in your life, because

(26:55):
it's very possible to sit down and be like, hey,
I am seeing someone.

Speaker 4 (26:59):
He is a great guy.

Speaker 1 (27:00):
At some point, I am going to introduce him to
our child. But I want you to know that if
that doesn't work out, well, my absolute main priority is
how he treats our boy, and if he doesn't live
up to my expectations around that, he won't be a
part of my life. That just once again proves that
your priority isn't your dating life. Your priority is your kids.

(27:21):
And I think that it's easy for us to sit
here and dish out advice. We haven't gone through divorces.
We're not trying to navigate what it's like having a
really little kid and also have a dating life. And
that's why I wanted to say the caveat of like
me having a bias. I know what it's like being
a kid and having a parent who is dating and
is proactively dating, and it can be really really hard.

Speaker 4 (27:42):
It can be really hard. So yeah, good luck with
that one.

Speaker 1 (27:45):
That's I mean, And if anyone else is doing it,
I would love to know how you've managed to navigate
this slide into the DMS, because I think this is
a question that people are going to have really conflicting
experiences and feelings about.

Speaker 2 (27:56):
I actually don't agree with that. I don't think there's
going to be that much conflict with this, So I
think most people will say what we've said, if you've
had an agreement with your partner, you need to stick
to that. Yes, like you said at the beginning of this,
if you want to rehash what those rules look like
in your separation and the boundaries, and that's fine, But
for now, I think it's a pretty black and white

(28:17):
statement to say if you've agreed on something with a
partner that has a kid involved, that you can't scoot
around that and change it. Yeah. Absolutely, Okay, Question number
two harmless crush when married? Is this normal? I have
strong feelings about this one. I got married recently and
absolutely adore my husband. I cannot fault our relationship at all. However,

(28:37):
I am a nurse at a hospital and have found
myself attracted to one of the surgeons at work. I've
always thought he is a massive deal, which is a
dad i'd like to fuck. But I found myself recently
thinking about him even when I'm not at work. I
would never act on these feelings at all, and I
genuinely think they are just like an attraction and lust
just because he's sexy. We do work together a bit,

(29:00):
and I found myself getting excited when he comes in
to see his patients or when I'm assisting him in
theater with a surgery for one of his patients. My
question is is this normal? Is it just like a
harmless little crush, sort of like a forbidden free or
a fantasy because I know nothing will ever happen. He
is also married and has kids. I should say it
also feels sort of wrong thinking about him when I'm

(29:21):
not at work. So is this part normal? Any advice
he is appreciated. PS? No, this is a bit that
gets me. I don't want to tell my husband about
this at all, because even though it's harmless, I know
it will upset him and maybe cause a rift in
the relationship for literally no reason. I just want your
thoughts about why I keep thinking about this doctor. And

(29:42):
when I say thoughts, to be clear, they are mostly sexual,
which makes me do think it's just a weird fantasy.

Speaker 1 (29:49):
Don't tell your husband, like the husband, Your husband doesn't
need to know.

Speaker 2 (29:54):
You're fantasizing about fucking the doctor.

Speaker 1 (29:56):
Well, yeah, you're allowed to have fantasies, you know some
people Actually no, I was I say, some people might disagree.

Speaker 4 (30:02):
I fucking doubt it.

Speaker 1 (30:03):
You are not able to have a fantasy, allowed to
have thoughts. Thoughts are not real, they are not based
in it can be yeah, but they're not based in action,
do you know what I mean. There is a very
big difference between thinking, oh my god, that guy's hot.
That's a fantasy, and that's where it ends like, hey, like,
you're allowed to have those thoughts and those feelings. I
would put money on the fact that your husband's probably

(30:24):
had some of them at some point as well. That
is a very very different experience than going and being
like I'm so attracted to them and pursuing them. Right,
that's a totally different thing. Don't punish yourself over having
a fantasy. Also, probably don't overanalyze it, because the more
that you try and tell yourself not to think about something,
the more you tell yourself that something is forbidden and

(30:44):
it's naughty and oh my god, like am I a
bad person for doing this, the more that your brain
is going to think about the thing that you're telling
yourself you can't think about. Like if I say orangers,
you're not allowed to think about oranges. I bet you
right now, everyone's thinking about an orange. Like it's just
how the brain works.

Speaker 2 (30:59):
I was thinking about fucking it. Not I'm joking with orange?

Speaker 4 (31:04):
An orange? Doctor mine is I.

Speaker 2 (31:06):
Was a joking Gase Ben was listening.

Speaker 1 (31:08):
No, But I just think like, we're allowed to have fantasies,
you're allowed to have a crush, You're allowed to have
someone that kind of makes you go ooh when they
come in at the office. I don't think that that
is something that you should be ashamed about or necessarily
super super worried about. Obviously, it can err into a
territory where it becomes a problem. Sounds like from what

(31:28):
you've said, it's not there yet, So I would say,
just maybe don't worry about it as much as you are,
and know that you absolutely don't have to tell your
husband thoughts that you're having about a guy that you
work with.

Speaker 2 (31:41):
I feel differently, Oh, you thinking she needs to tell him? Fuck? No, No,
not about that. I thought I made that clear. Don't
tell your husband and you've got a crush on that
you think about having sex with someone you work with
every day? No, I feel differently that I don't think
this is necessarily as harmless as you think. And I
want to say this because I have so much skin

(32:01):
in the game. I worked in an operating theater for
thirteen years. I dated doctors. I work so closely with doctors.
I know even the way she's talking about how she
assists the doctor in theater. I've been there, I've done that,
I've seen it. The reason I worry about this is because,
and I'm not blanket statement in.

Speaker 4 (32:17):
At all surgeons and noises.

Speaker 2 (32:19):
A lot of surgeons cheat people that are married with kids.
I have seen it so many times my partner, many
many moons ago. I dated a surgeon he also cheated.

Speaker 1 (32:28):
Also kid, Yes, yeah, I ha data surgeon, he cheated
a lot. But also, can we just please put out
there are going to be a lot of people listening
to this who are married to surgeons or who are surgeons,
and they don't cheat.

Speaker 2 (32:37):
That's why I said, it's not a blanket statement.

Speaker 4 (32:38):
It's not if you're a surgeon, you're a cheat.

Speaker 3 (32:40):
Up.

Speaker 2 (32:40):
A lot of people cheat.

Speaker 5 (32:42):
Yeah, yeah, you know there are stereotypes that exist in
the medical world for good reason.

Speaker 2 (32:46):
Story types exist in aviation that exist.

Speaker 4 (32:49):
In military, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 (32:50):
Like, there are a lot of stereotypes and there are
reasons for this.

Speaker 2 (32:53):
Well, the thing the stereotypes is, and I just want
to say this just as much there are a lot
of surgeons, I know he families that are the best
husbands and dads. Ever, like I'm not sanely all do it.
The reason these stereotypes in things like aviation and things
like surgeons exist is because the opportunity exists. Surgeons work
twenty four hours a day, they're always on call, they
sleep at hospitals. It's just it's they're married to their job, right,

(33:14):
And so I'm not blanket statementing, but and.

Speaker 1 (33:17):
They're also potentially people that are deemed as desirable because
of their occupations, so like they may have more opportunities
when it comes to dating or it comes so you know,
people being interested in them.

Speaker 2 (33:28):
But the reason I want to say that, I don't
think it's necessarily completely harmless. And I'm not saying this
because I think that you will do anything. That's not
what I'm saying. But I start to worry about this
situation because is it normal to like have fantasies about people? Absolutely?
Is it normal to imagine having sex with someone else?

Speaker 4 (33:44):
Sure?

Speaker 2 (33:45):
Like that is human nature to be attracted to other people.
You can appreciate a beautiful human walking down the street
or that you work with, Like, that's all fine. I
worry about this for you because you start to get
really excited when he comes into the room and you
think about him outside of work sexual. That is where
I'm like, Okay, he's taking up too much brain space.
When he walks into a room and you're with a

(34:06):
patient or something, you're physically in contact with him and
having these interactions, and it's normal to want to flirt.
A people flirt all the time, and it's normal to
have that, right when you're going home to your husband
and you're finding those intrusive thoughts coming into your personal
life and it's still sexual, that's when I start to worry,
because that's when my personal opinion is, if you've just

(34:29):
married somebody, another man that you have contact with every
single day, shouldn't be infiltrating your home life and your
home thoughts like fantasies. You can't help what you dream about,
and you can't help the way you feel when someone
walks into a room, but if you are starting to
develop those feelings, and let's be real, unfortunately we exist
in a society, especially in hospitals, where it could be

(34:52):
more likely than not that you spend more time at
work with this person than your husband, Like some people
go to work for twelve fourteen hours, you come home
by dinner, and you go to sleep, Like there's a
high chance you might be interacting more on a day
to day level with this person, and maybe that's why
the thoughts infiltrate more. But I know you can't say
I'm not going to think about him, But you can
definitely control your interactions at work and the way you interact,

(35:12):
and you can definitely try and draw that line again
and make it a bit more professional. I would be
personally trying to do that.

Speaker 1 (35:18):
I guess that's my question though, because there's nothing in
here that she has said that implies that the way
that she is behaving or they are interacting is anything
but professional. There's no indication of flirting, and if there was,
she would have said that. She hasn't said that there's flirting.
She hasn't said that there is anything that he is
doing or she is doing to indicate a feeling of like,

(35:39):
oh my god, he's so hot.

Speaker 2 (35:40):
I of course not, but there's always a line that
you can draw more in a room if you are
I'm going to assume there is flirting. That's an assumption.

Speaker 1 (35:47):
Totally, which if there is, then that's a line that's
been crossed. And like, I'm going off what's been written
in this, and that is not indicating any flirting. So
I'm like, I don't see this as like a massive
red flag that you need to do anything about right
now if things change, absolutely. But my kind of big
take home from this is like you're aware of it,

(36:08):
You're very conscious that you're not going to act on it.
You're also saying you're very conscious that he's not going
to act on it and it is just an internal thought.
And so I'm kind of like, well, if it's just
an internal thought, you're not going to fuck up your
career or fuck up your relationship because you had a
sex dream about someone and you think about them and
it gets you off.

Speaker 4 (36:28):
Like, I don't know, I'm just kind of like.

Speaker 2 (36:29):
No, But it's more than that. She's not dreaming about him,
she's consciously thinking about him at home. And she even
says like, I'm starting to be worried. It feels sort
of wrong thinking about him when I'm not at work.
I understand why you're feeling that way because you have
realized that it has crossed the lining personally for you.
I'm not saying you've crossed the line, but like you
have recognized that, Oh okay, I've taken this home with me.

Speaker 4 (36:51):
Now, that's weird to think about him sexually when you're
at work, though.

Speaker 2 (36:53):
So it's it's hot. It's hot doctors operating and start.
Trust me, Like, when you're in there and you're seeing
someone save a life, you're like hot, Like, I understand
why people cheat all the time.

Speaker 1 (37:02):
Oh yeah, but I don't know I'm kind of like,
she thinks the guy is sexy, and then when she's
I don't know, I'm like, not that worried about it.

Speaker 3 (37:08):
My boyfriend has scrub caps that have his name printed
on the front of them.

Speaker 2 (37:12):
They're not hot. I disagree. I think a surgeon is
so much scrubs. They're crocs in there. They're saving lives.
Like there's something when you were seeing someone save the life,
it is hot. Trust me, even if they're not hot,
the situation's hot. You're like, oh, you just like literally
brought that person back that way cool.

Speaker 1 (37:27):
I would be interested to chat to someone who's like
a sex ologist about this, because I think that people
do need alternate stimulation. I'm sure that there are other
people out there who can't just get off only thinking
about their husband and from time to time, I agree
to be like I saw that hot guy and now
I have a fantasy about this.

Speaker 2 (37:46):
It doesn't make it real, my fair but I agree
with that. But that's not the same person that you
see every day. It's not the fantasy that you get off.
It's not Jason Momoa once and then the next is
Leonardo DiCaprio. This is a real life person. That you're
in contact with, that it could happen with realistically, and
it's the same stimulus. But that's where my worry comes from.

(38:06):
Like if Ben told me that he was getting off
sometimes like he's if I asked him and he's like, yeah,
sometimes I think Scarlet Johansson or or sometimes I think
of a hot actress or something I've seen. If he
said that, I'd like, yeah, okay. If he said yeah,
I think about the girl at work that works at
reception at football and I think about her every time,
I'd be like, what the fuck? Like you think about
someone that you see every day, that's who you're thinking

(38:28):
about every night.

Speaker 1 (38:29):
With that, that's different, of course, but no one's ever
going to tell you their thoughts. What I'm trying to
say is is like I am sure there are people
out there who have great relationships, but they have a
specific fantasy that they know they're never going to play
out that would exist, and it doesn't mean that they're
bad in their relationship.

Speaker 4 (38:47):
It doesn't mean that they're not.

Speaker 1 (38:48):
You know, we'll just disagree on this one, and yes
it would hurt. But the thing is is Ben might
He's never going to tell you. Britt He's not about that.
It's not about the telling. It's about what happens when
that has infiltrated your life if you do not know
what will happen. I know you said he's married with kids, right,
That does not mean that he might not have issues
in one day hit on you. Doesn't mean that he
doesn't feel the same connection. It doesn't mean that in

(39:09):
a year, two years, five years, something's going to change.

Speaker 2 (39:12):
Like the fact you're saying, is it normal to think
about the same person sexually at home in my marriage
when I see them every day, I'm going to say no,
I'm going to say that that one person that has
become your fantasy that you connect with every day, I
would start to be trying to peel back from that.
Fantasies are normal, yes, but it's different when it could

(39:32):
become a reality and you spend so much time with someone.
That's where I'm like, Okay, you do need to draw
a bit of a line in the sand.

Speaker 1 (39:38):
Yeah, And I guess like the way I sit slightly
different on this is that I do believe that fantasies
can live as purely fantasies, and even if the opportunity
presented itself to you that you are able to have
enough self preservation and also self control that even if
you had a fantasy, you'd never do it anyway, because
sometimes fantasies and what actually.

Speaker 4 (39:59):
Exists in real life are very fucking different.

Speaker 2 (40:02):
But the husband things weird, like don't Yeah, you definitely
don't tell him. I don't tell him, Like that's weird,
Like you just would that would never come up in conversations.

Speaker 4 (40:10):
Yeah, interesting, Like I said, love to know people's thoughts
on this.

Speaker 1 (40:12):
I absolutely know that there will be people who feel
exactly the same as you, because the reality is, no
one would want to know that their partner is having
those thoughts and feelings. The reality, though, on the flip
side of it, is I bet you a lot of
people's partners are, but they would never act on it,
and it doesn't mean that they love you less. So
let's not conflate thoughts with actual reality either, is probably
what I'm trying to say. Yeah, anyway, okay. Question number three,

(40:36):
is it rude not to wish kids a happy birthday?

Speaker 4 (40:39):
These days?

Speaker 2 (40:40):
Are they your own kids?

Speaker 4 (40:41):
Yeah, that's weird. A happy birthday is still a thing.

Speaker 1 (40:44):
My son just turned to and I'm a little bit
upset at the lack of friends and family that took
the time to message me or call to see him
and say happy birthday. My partner seems to think that
life just gets busy and people sometimes remember but then
forget to do anything about it. But I think if
someone really means something to you, then they have no
excuse to make the effort over the top me makes

(41:06):
me not want to take my son to see these people,
particularly family members who can't even say a simple happy
Birthday to him. Obviously I would never do that, but
still I just feel sad for him, and I'm not
really sure why.

Speaker 2 (41:19):
We answered something similar about the girl that is pregnant
and she was upset that not enough friends and family
were like asking how she is and checking in. And
I find this a similar question in my brain. And again,
I don't have kids, so I can't imagine how I'm
going to feel. Maybe I'll feel very differently when I
have kids and if no one calls and says happy birthday.
But for me, it does sound extreme to say I

(41:41):
don't want to take my kid to see people that
didn't call up and wish him happy birthday. And maybe
that's because like, I'm not proud of it, but I
have a lot of nieces and nephews that I don't
call up for their birthdays either, Like how holy they at?

Speaker 4 (41:51):
What age do you start? Because there is an age
that you should start.

Speaker 2 (41:54):
Well, what my family has started to do. We're in
like a huge family group chat because I have a
lot I have four brothers and sisters. They all have
multiple kids. Like, there's a lot of kids in my family.
And we start to like video record messages and we
put them in the family group chat and then show
them and then like the nephews and nieces will video
record a message back and then they'll put it in there.
So that's the way we've started to communicate. But at

(42:16):
two years old, he doesn't know which way's up. He
doesn't know if anyone's calling him. He's not going to
be upset that. I think that that is an unnecessary
stress that you are feeling and putting on yourself and
creating by saying, you know what, fuck you, I'm not
going to take my kid to see anyone else. But again,
I might feel differently when I've had a kid and
if no one calls it happy birthday, But for me,
it's not a big deal. I don't care if no
one calls me on my birthday.

Speaker 1 (42:37):
Maybe not though, like I don't care, to be honest,
like I think as your kids get older, you care
more because you don't want your kids to be disappointed.

Speaker 4 (42:44):
Everyone is different.

Speaker 1 (42:45):
I could not care if someone doesn't text me about
my kids first or second or third birthday. Our third's
probably like they know, but first or second birthday because
that text message isn't for them, that's for me.

Speaker 4 (42:57):
They can't read.

Speaker 1 (42:58):
They don't say any Britney sent you a text message, sweetie,
she doesn't know you ever pass that on?

Speaker 4 (43:04):
Like, I don't think you have a did.

Speaker 2 (43:06):
I don't I send videos?

Speaker 1 (43:07):
Yeah, so like if it's a video, obviously Male and
Lola now are older, we sent a.

Speaker 2 (43:11):
Video for this last birthday for them.

Speaker 4 (43:12):
Yeah, they understand. How guilty they understand now it's different.

Speaker 1 (43:16):
But I think, like when your kids are really really little,
unless like you're actually seeing them or it's a phone call.
I kind of think a text is a bit of
a it's a bit of a lack of effort.

Speaker 4 (43:25):
A text doesn't do anything.

Speaker 5 (43:27):
Do you think it depends on the proximity, as in
like if it's your niece, your nephew, if it's your best.

Speaker 2 (43:33):
Friend, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 5 (43:33):
Like, is it just a friend or does it depend
on how close they are to the kids.

Speaker 2 (43:37):
I mean, I came to their birthday party totally.

Speaker 1 (43:40):
And to be fair, it was tasman my niece's birthday
like a week and a half ago, and I'd seen
her in the days and leader, but then I didn't
actually see her on her birthday and I was like, oh,
sorry two days ago. She knows I wish I had
be a birthday yeah, which obviously, if my sister cared,
she would probably be pissed at me, because you know,
technically I probably wasn't a very good auntie. But like,
I mean, she's four and she knows I love it.

(44:01):
She actually how old is she? Yes, she's four and
she knows.

Speaker 4 (44:03):
I love her.

Speaker 2 (44:05):
She's something under fists.

Speaker 4 (44:06):
She does the best cart wheels. But I don't know.

Speaker 1 (44:08):
I think that the offense that you're taking is probably
more for yourself than it is for your child. And
I understand that as kids get older, you absolutely do
not want your children to be disappointed. And you know,
for example, if nana or an auntie or uncle forgot
when it was like their actual birthday and they were
old enough to know and to be disappointed by it.

(44:28):
I'd feel very differently about it, But at the age too,
I personally don't care. Other people will, and I think
that you're gonna have really close relationships with some people
who are really excited about it a second birthday or
a first birthday, and then there's some people who just
genuinely birthdays are not big on their radar and so
it's not something that they think about.

Speaker 4 (44:48):
You know.

Speaker 1 (44:48):
I understand why you might want your friends to call
or a FaceTime or send a video message, but a
text message about a second birthday or a first birthday
does absolutely nothing for the child whose birthday it is.
All that is is an acknowledgment that two years ago
you birthed a child. So that's the congratulations to you,
and that is absolutely fair. You'll have some friends who

(45:09):
will do that, but I definitely don't expect that of
my friends. I don't care if they messaged me to
say well done for surviving another year, poor poor person.

Speaker 3 (45:16):
I think the exception to this would be the grandparents.

Speaker 5 (45:19):
I think if I had a kid and my mum
or dad didn't call their own grandchild on one hundred
the kid's birthday, regardless of age, I think i'd be pissed, I.

Speaker 1 (45:30):
Agree, But also I'd be pissed if the grandparent just
sent a text message. Like if a grandparent didn't show
enough initiative to call my kids to even have like
a minute conversation with them or show their face, then
I would be like, Okay, that's a lack of care.
But I think, like I'm saying, I think a text
message is the lowest form of effort for a child
because it's.

Speaker 2 (45:49):
Not for them. Do you know what you just said
that it's interesting you just said, Oh you know, I
don't care if someone doesn't call me and say congratulations,
like you've survived another year a kid's birthday. That doesn't
even clock to me that it's you surviving another year, Like,
don't even think about it. To me, a kid's birthday
has nothing to do with the fact that you've kept
it alive for another year. A kid's birthday to me
is like, oh, they're they're celebrating and their special day.

(46:11):
We all get a special day year. I don't associate
that with like, oh, the mom's also getting a congratulation
for keeping it alive.

Speaker 1 (46:17):
Well, it's really funny because like when Marley had her
first birthday, we had a big birthday party for Mali,
like you know.

Speaker 2 (46:22):
It was for you being like, well, yeah, we had
a big.

Speaker 1 (46:24):
Birthday and I was pregnant with Lola, and I remember
having this moment where I was like, Marley is never
going to remember a single bit of this.

Speaker 4 (46:32):
This is not about Maley.

Speaker 1 (46:33):
This is about us doing one year of parenting like
this is And you know, it was all our friends.

Speaker 4 (46:37):
She's one, She had no friends, so it's.

Speaker 5 (46:39):
Not there was no kids, get some friends.

Speaker 4 (46:42):
Yeah, her cousins came over, but they were also one for.

Speaker 3 (46:45):
Just to be there through family connections, you know what
I mean.

Speaker 4 (46:48):
So like she just didn't get it.

Speaker 1 (46:50):
So then when it came to Lola's first birthday party,
we were like, we're not going to have one because
like she doesn't remember. So now we only do birthday
parties that are like actual birthday parties from about three
years old, because like I don't know, I'm kind of like,
what's the It's expensive and what's the point. But yes,
I think first birthdays that's not a celebration of I
mean it is. It's a celebration of reaching one, but
it's also a celebration of reaching a whole year of

(47:11):
parenting and surviving.

Speaker 4 (47:12):
Yeah, what just happened to you?

Speaker 2 (47:14):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (47:14):
Yeah? Okay, if you guys don't celebrate in one.

Speaker 2 (47:17):
People are going to come for us for that for sure.
People gonna be like, fucking Brittany's worse, aren't you?

Speaker 4 (47:21):
Maybe me too? I mean, I'm look, Yeah, you.

Speaker 2 (47:23):
Didn't even through your own kid a birthday. You're worse.

Speaker 4 (47:25):
I didn't even tell my kid it was their birthday.

Speaker 3 (47:27):
They also lie to mart that's financially savvy.

Speaker 2 (47:29):
No I no.

Speaker 1 (47:30):
I told her eventually, but I was at work, so
I didn't want her to like. I didn't want to
be like, happy birthday, Mum's going to work. So I
just told her on the weekend that it was her birthday,
and then sheged to have the whole day.

Speaker 4 (47:38):
I changed the day. That's brilliant.

Speaker 2 (47:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (47:40):
I think if your kids too, you can change the day.
They don't know.

Speaker 2 (47:43):
Lola thinks she's two, not four. She doesn't know how,
she doesn't know what wakes up. Okay, last question. My
husband and I have been together for five years when
we first started dating, we had super great sex. Over time,
I have found that my sex drive has lowered while
his is still extremely high. He thinks we have to
have sex every single day and complains if we miss
a day or two. He'll say he just can't remember

(48:05):
the last time we did it. That was in quotations,
You're like, hey, twenty four hours ago. Then he wants
to play catch up and have it multiple times the
next day. Oh my god, So it evens out to
being once a day. That is crazy, which isn't often
given it's hard to let a day go by without it.
I have tried to tell him it's completely normal to

(48:26):
only have sex a few times a week, or at
least not every day, but he won't have a bar
of it. He says I should feel lucky to have
a husband who finds me so attractive. God, he gets
hard every time we're in bed together. I'man flattering but
all I want sometimes is just to have a cuddle
and watch TV without him getting his thing out and

(48:47):
the expectation of what is to follow. I don't know
how to raise this with him, because I don't want
sex every day. I tried jokingly saying it I try
to tell him I'm too tired. I try to get
out of it when he starts to initiate it. But
at the end of the day, I don't want to
hurt his feelings and reject him. I do find him
attractive and I want to have sex, but not as
often as he does. To be honest, it's just exhausting.

(49:09):
That's insane.

Speaker 1 (49:11):
This is such a hard question to answer, not as
hard as him. Look, it's a really hard question to
answer because I understand the way that you feel in
terms of like that duality between like I don't want
to disappoint but also I don't want to do something
I don't want to do. And at the end of
the day, the main and most important message is like,
if you don't want to have sex, you should not

(49:32):
feel pressured into having sex with anyone. It doesn't matter
if it's your husband, it doesn't matter if he feels
this though, like you know it's this high sex drive
and he's you know, you should be flattered or grateful.
I don't want to create a bigger problem for you
in terms of the language I use around this, but
there's something to me that is like really really makes
me really uncomfortable that he can't accept that there are

(49:53):
days where you don't want to have sex with him,
and he either guilt trips you into it or pressures
you into doing it anyway. And I know that, like
you said, like you find him attractive, and you obviously
love your husband, and I'm sure he's great and every
other way, but there is something about that that gives
me a massive ick towards his behavior around sex and
his feelings of entitlement to sex, because he doesn't have
that entitlement to you, and he doesn't have that entitlement

(50:15):
to your body, and he should not feel as though
sex is something that he has the right to every
single day.

Speaker 2 (50:21):
I think it's important to note here that it is
in fact not normal to have sex every day in
a long term relationship like that. You are the minority
if you are having sex every day, and it is
amazing if you are having sex every day, and both
of you want that, but I think let's setting the
precedent of saying that it's normal in a long term
relationship is actually not. Ben and I don't even have
sex every day when we see each other, and that's

(50:43):
after months of not seeing each other, like.

Speaker 1 (50:45):
It's but there's no also I agree with it, but
there's also no compromise in this. This expectation that if
you haven't had sex every day that you have to
catch up like this has become an obligation for you.
And the more that sex becomes an obligation, the less
that you're going to enjoy it. It's not surprising to
me that your sex drive is decreasing and his hasn't changed.
But there's a real imbalance that's happening here. And you've

(51:06):
tried the you know, being nice and having like a
funny chat. I actually think you need to have a
little bit more of a direct conversation. You can cater
to his feelings. I'm not saying you don't have to
do that, but saying, just because I don't want to
have sex one night, you shouldn't take that to a fence.
You shouldn't take that as though that's a personal hit
to you. And sometimes I am tired or I have

(51:27):
a headache or whatever it is, but I shouldn't then
be in debt to you to make that up.

Speaker 4 (51:31):
That's an unfair expectation on me.

Speaker 2 (51:33):
Yeah, sex debt is not a thing.

Speaker 4 (51:35):
It's not a thing.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
It doesn't exist, and thank you.

Speaker 1 (51:37):
Yeah, the more I think about it, the bigger the
eckis that I have to me.

Speaker 2 (51:40):
I can't stress enough that if you were in this position,
that you've chosen this life partner, you are married and
you do not want to have sex, that doesn't have
to be a conversation where you have to joke around
or you don't know how to navigate it. It doesn't
have to be a huge deal, but it's a conversation
that you should feel comfortable having. You should be able
to say, hey, do you know what, I really don't

(52:02):
want sex every single day. It's not that I don't
want sex with you. Our sex drives are different. Can
we meet in the middle. Can we do it a
few days a week? If you continue to make me
feel like I have to do it, I can tell
you what is going to happen. I'll be example, well,
I'm going to want it less. And I think communicating
these issues it's normal to have different sex drives, and

(52:23):
I would maybe have a different opinion if you were
saying I want to have sex once every four months.
I don't have a sex drive. What do we do?
But you are still wanting to have it multiple times
a week, and to me, that is like a completely
normal compromise. Have the conversation with him really honestly, because
it's going to push you away further. You will resent him,
you will get the ick, you will want it less.

(52:46):
So just say, hey, I love you, I'm so attracted
to you. I don't have sometimes the energy or mental
capacity to do it every single day. My sex drive
is obviously a little bit smaller than yours. I debate
if he really needs to do it every day.

Speaker 4 (53:00):
And I just debate. I completely agree.

Speaker 1 (53:02):
And this idea of like you don't want to hurt
someone's feelings or you don't want them to feel rejected.
I understand why you feel that way, but you are
not responsible for his reaction to you saying that you
don't want to have sex with him on one or
two occasions. It's different if you were rejecting every single
advance and he was like, I'm trying here and you
don't want to. You also can do that like I'm

(53:24):
you know, there are people in relationships and that happens,
and like you don't have to have sex at any
point that you don't want to. But I also don't
want him to turn around. And I know you haven't
said this, but this does happen in relationships. People use
rejection and they use their feelings of hurt as a
manipulation tool to get you to still do the thing
that they want you to do.

Speaker 4 (53:42):
That's fucked like.

Speaker 1 (53:43):
You should be able to say I'm not in the
mood tonight without fear of them playing the rejected card
or playing the feelings hurt card, and I think a
lot of people would have been in that situation. I've
absolutely been in the situation where I've been then guilt
tripped into feeling as though I've hurt their feelings, and
so then I found myself having sex with them anyway,
and I didn't really want to do it because we,

(54:05):
especially as women, we worry so much about hurting people's feelings,
and we often deprioritize what we want because we don't
want to upset someone. And I can think about, oh fuck,
it makes me actually feel sick thinking about it. I
have absolutely had sex with people that I didn't want
to have sex with because I didn't want to upset them.
You don't want to do that with your husband, and
that's okay. Can I just add a layer to this

(54:27):
lords that I think exists so much. And I know
I am talking stereotypically. I think a lot of the
time in these types of conversations, the next layer.

Speaker 2 (54:35):
Becomes, well, it's a need for me. I need to
have sex every day.

Speaker 3 (54:40):
There are actually a lot of studies on this biologically
not true.

Speaker 5 (54:44):
People do not need to have sex every day, regardless
of gender, regardless of sex drive.

Speaker 2 (54:47):
It is not a need.

Speaker 5 (54:49):
And I think a lot of the time when these
start to turn really toxic, that type of communication of well,
I want to have sex more. If you're not going
to give it to me, I'll have to find it
somewhere else. And I think that can almost be a
little bit of, like you said, a manipulation technique and
a threat of like, well, if you're.

Speaker 3 (55:05):
Not going to put out for me, I will find.

Speaker 2 (55:07):
It in some other way.

Speaker 4 (55:09):
Yeah, and I do I want to imply that that's
what this person is going to do.

Speaker 5 (55:11):
Yeah, that I've jumped to there, but like he can
masturbate totally, you know, Like I just think that so
many times, And I have friends that are in this position,
and I've heard of conversations that they have had with
their partner where it's like, well, you know, I'm wanting
it from you, so that's a good thing.

Speaker 2 (55:27):
I'm not, you know what I mean.

Speaker 5 (55:29):
It's really grow very very disgusting language, but I think
it's more common than what many people may really.

Speaker 2 (55:34):
He knows, he knows it is not normal to have
sex every day. Every single man knows that it is
not normal in a long term relationship to have sex
every day. So if he all he has to do
is go and ask any one of his friends in
a group hout many times a week do you guys
have sex? How many times? How well are you having sex?
He's using that against you one hundred ccent And I'm
not saying this to say he's a bad person. We
don't even know him. My angle is not here to

(55:56):
go and say he's a bad person. My angle here
is to say it is okay for you to stand
and it's not offensive to say to your husband, I
don't want to have sex today Again, if you were
not wanting to have sex for a year, I would say, yeah,
that's something that you should go and work on together
and sort out. Because there are levels of different people
having needs like maybe see a sex counselor or work
out the problem. But this is like you're still doing

(56:17):
it four times a week, five times a week, just
telling him just be like, this is not cool for me.
I'm not enjoying it as much.

Speaker 1 (56:24):
And I think the big take home from this is
like sex is not an obligation and he is not
entitled to it, and you do not have to play
catch up like and the fact that you feel as
though you do speaks about the way that he approaches
sex because he has made you feel like you owe
him these things or he's going to be but hurt
and feel rejected. That says a lot about his emotional

(56:45):
you know, his eq not about and the state of
how he views sex, rather than actually what's going on
in this relationship. And you know, I really want to
reiterate when not saying that you have a bad relationship,
we're not saying that your husband's are fucking bad guy. Like, yes,
of course it is great that he wants to have
sex with you and you guys have a relatively matched
libido normally, but don't feel as though you owe something

(57:08):
to him when you don't want to do it.

Speaker 4 (57:10):
Hi, guys, all that's it from us get out of here.

Speaker 1 (57:13):
We are. If you have any questions for us, send
them in to our dms at life on clud podcast.
Send us your accidentally unfiltered stories, your confessionals, any little tidbits.
You want to update a song, we love it and
also if you want to watch on YouTube, leave reviews.

Speaker 4 (57:26):
It's just all the good stuff.

Speaker 2 (57:27):
You know, you know what to do. You know what
to do by get to Mumta doteo dot tee friends
and shed love because we love love

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