Ask Uncut - HELP! My husband cheated. - Life Uncut

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
welcome back to another episode of Life.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
I'm cant, I'm Laura, I'm Bretnany, and this is asking
can't where we answer You're deep, you're dark, and you're
burnie questions.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
I am not coping.

Speaker 3 (00:22):
Sorry with how cold it is coming back from Italy,
coming back from BALI.

Speaker 4 (00:26):
I don't want to.

Speaker 5 (00:27):
Brag, but that's where I was for my wedding. I
realized that that is not relatable right now, and I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 (00:31):
I'm gonna apologize for what I just said.

Speaker 5 (00:33):
I'm not coping.

Speaker 3 (00:34):
My house is so cold that I have to wear
a beanie, thermal socks, thermals, a puffer, and a blanket
just to survive in my loundroom.

Speaker 2 (00:44):
I don't know if pregnancy makes you run hotter like,
I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 (00:48):
Maybe that's a thing. Yeah, google it.

Speaker 2 (00:50):
I don't want to spread misinformation, doctor Laura, but I
like everybody was texting while we were waving, like.

Speaker 1 (00:57):
Oh god, it's so cod here.

Speaker 2 (00:59):
I know that Ballet's so And then I got back
here and I was surprised by how not cold I am,
Like I have nothing underneath this.

Speaker 1 (01:06):
I'm just running around in a nice little like loose knit.

Speaker 4 (01:08):
Do you know how I know that you're cold? Though?

Speaker 6 (01:11):
The way that you can tell that Laura is cold
or that it's cold outside is that you wear clothed
in shoes. I reckon, I've seen you wear clothes and
shoes maybe six times in my life.

Speaker 1 (01:19):
I only own one pair of clothed in shoes.

Speaker 3 (01:21):
And then they're like, totally, I don't have socks on you,
so I have a rank.

Speaker 4 (01:26):
I can't wear.

Speaker 5 (01:27):
You can't wear sneakers like that are the leather.

Speaker 1 (01:30):
I don't know what they are.

Speaker 5 (01:31):
Their leather sneak is with no sot.

Speaker 2 (01:33):
A rough morning and I looked like I got dressed
in a wheelibin. But that's okay, but cute, it's part.
It's yeah, I atu. I woke up to Lola like
she was having a real moment. So I woke up
to her crying and I walked into the bedroom. I
thought she was sick, and I was like, what's happening?
Like you know, because it was a.

Speaker 5 (01:49):
Cry barley belly.

Speaker 1 (01:50):
It was while she's been saying she's got a sort tumming.
I don't know. It was like, what's going on? Girlfriend?

Speaker 2 (01:54):
She cried for between fifteen to twenty minutes on repeat,
saying I I don't want to be asleep anymore. And
I was like, god, friend, the fact that you're yelling
at me would indicate that you are indeed awake, unless
she's sleepwalking.

Speaker 5 (02:08):
I used to do that sleep talking.

Speaker 1 (02:09):
She was completely awake.

Speaker 2 (02:11):
I think you know when your body is so tired
and you are so tired, but you're like, just want
to get up and get going, but you can't because
you're exhausted. But she's, as a four year old, didn't
have the vocab to explain it, so she just kept saying.

Speaker 1 (02:22):
I don't want to be sleep anymore. Then when I
was like, you're awake, she then would hit me.

Speaker 2 (02:26):
And then I was like, see you can hit me,
so you're awake and this was my morning.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
So give me some slack about the socks, all right.

Speaker 5 (02:33):
I won't because they'll stink by the end of the day.

Speaker 3 (02:35):
But it's so funny that, like this is not breaking news,
but when you're a kid, all the things that you hate,
it's all you want to do when you're an adult,
like put me to sleep, put me to bed, tuck
me in, and let me sleep.

Speaker 5 (02:46):
That's all I'd want right now.

Speaker 1 (02:47):
She was like, I don't want to be asleep, and
I was like, I don't want to be awake.

Speaker 7 (02:50):
Yeah, I particularly I'm seeing Lola upset.

Speaker 6 (02:53):
At the airport in Bali. Laura and I caught the
same flight back. It was a genuine sadness. It was
like the post holiday blues hit Lola anybody else.

Speaker 1 (03:02):
And she was so sad to be leaving.

Speaker 7 (03:04):
And she was like, I just don't want to not
be on holidays.

Speaker 4 (03:07):
And I was like same, babe.

Speaker 1 (03:08):
Oh my god, she's never recovered. It's been a week.

Speaker 5 (03:11):
Speaking of I was gonna take so many segways.

Speaker 3 (03:13):
Then there's so many places to go. Okay, let me
go back. Lola was so funny. Well, Lola and Marley
in the pool at Barley. So we had a recovery
session after the wedding. The day after the wedding, everyone
just came. It was just a pool party. It was
so fun, super chill.

Speaker 5 (03:26):
We had burgers, fries, whatever, and the girls had it.
I say that it's important.

Speaker 3 (03:31):
So I just smashed some burgers and Lola comes up
to me in the pool.

Speaker 5 (03:37):
She's like, you have a baby in your belly. And
I was like what. I was like, sorry, what? And
then I started being like, have I in too many burgers?

Speaker 1 (03:45):
I bet.

Speaker 3 (03:47):
No, I didn't, But it was she had so much confidence.
And I was like, do you know something I don't know,
like what Uncle.

Speaker 6 (03:53):
Panna's put in, what Uncle bann has done to me
last night?

Speaker 1 (03:56):
No, I was like, what do you mean.

Speaker 5 (03:57):
She's like, yeah, the baby in there. She's like poking
my belly, I said, talk about that.

Speaker 3 (04:01):
She goes because uncle Ben did this, and then she
got down on one knee and opened her hands like
she was proposing.

Speaker 6 (04:08):
She goes.

Speaker 3 (04:09):
She goes because uncle Ben went like this, will you
marry me? And then she did it? And then she goes,
So now there's a baby in your belly.

Speaker 4 (04:15):
And I was like, I was like, there's no one.

Speaker 1 (04:19):
We haven't gone to the birds and the bees say yet.
I'm sure you can tell.

Speaker 4 (04:23):
It was so fine.

Speaker 6 (04:24):
I excited to find out when Blola realizes that that
situation was reversed for her.

Speaker 4 (04:30):
She was at the wedding of her parents.

Speaker 5 (04:31):
Oh yeah, when she don't have to figure it out.

Speaker 1 (04:33):
Well, she hasn't quite figured that out.

Speaker 2 (04:35):
Also, there's nothing more humbling than the day when your
kid asks you, mommy, I know that there's a baby
in your belly, but how did it get in there?
And you're like, well, let's strap on it. It's called
the stalk flies in the sky. I really, I still
don't know the best way to approach that. I just
kind of steamrolled to another conversation. I was like five
and four too young?

Speaker 4 (04:54):
Too young?

Speaker 5 (04:55):
No, too young. I think you can say I don't
think you lie about the stalk.

Speaker 1 (04:58):
No, I didn't say that. Yeah, but I.

Speaker 5 (05:00):
Think you can just say it's what happens when like
two people I was.

Speaker 3 (05:03):
Gonna say, love each other, but it definitely happens without
loving each other as well.

Speaker 4 (05:06):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (05:06):
You just say yeah.

Speaker 4 (05:07):
It's like I don't know, I don't know.

Speaker 1 (05:08):
You ask me the one price to thank you that
was zero help. Thank you for being absolutely no help
on the matter.

Speaker 7 (05:14):
Do you getting devised and had subscribed to the week?

Speaker 1 (05:16):
Let's do it all right.

Speaker 2 (05:17):
I'm gonna go first, and that is because I had
so many questions. And I'm not just saying that as
some influencer online. It's like, hey, guys, that's so many questions.
This is most music no one ever asked it's so far. Okay,
I'm not a handbag person. I don't have a lot
of handbags. I have like a very functional one which
I use a lot. You guys know, that's the by
main one, and I use that.

Speaker 1 (05:38):
All the time.

Speaker 4 (05:39):
I know what you're going.

Speaker 1 (05:40):
But then I have a couple of good ones which
I use for weddings. I use the same one over
and over.

Speaker 2 (05:46):
And I have a couple of good ones that I
would use if I need like an oversized bag to
go out. And they're all from the same brand. So
they're from a brand. It's an Australian label and it's
called Vistercy. Am I saying it right, Brick, because I
know you have a lot of them. Yeah, I have
the same bags you. I have loads of them Forstercy
and their Italian lever really well made Australian label, and
I think the thing that's like the most appealing about

(06:07):
them is that they're also very well priced pointed, Like
the price point on them is great for how good
quality they are.

Speaker 5 (06:12):
The one that I've got right there is vests.

Speaker 2 (06:14):
Yeah, and I mean look, and it's not just me.
I've gotten Ellie, my mother and Laura is now on them.

Speaker 1 (06:20):
She's got two Vastursy bags.

Speaker 2 (06:21):
And it was only off the back of your wedding Briut,
but actually the pre wedding, the white party that you
had the day before, where I posted what I was wearing,
I had so many people asking about the bag that
I had that I thought, you know what, this is
actually a brand that I think a lot of people
need to get around that specific one is not available anymore.

Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yeah, it's really old.

Speaker 3 (06:41):
Also, Laura's taken it to any event we've ever been
to her one bag and Forsterce's listening block here ears.

Speaker 5 (06:46):
But I've seen Laura throw.

Speaker 3 (06:48):
That thing like where's a photo and she doesn't want
it in it or something, or.

Speaker 1 (06:51):
She's she's like shows it around. It's like so durable.

Speaker 2 (06:54):
It doesn't have a single mark on it, considering how
I've treated it. And yeah, for something that I used
so often and I genuinely think the quality is amazing.

Speaker 1 (07:03):
Like if you're looking for a great new bag, whether it's.

Speaker 2 (07:05):
For work or for that one thing that you're going
to take out on repeat with every outfit, I recommend it.
So it's forestersy Australian brand, and yeah, you can just
get it online.

Speaker 5 (07:14):
Yeah, I get compliments on this bat. You guys can't
see it? Should I hold it up for you?

Speaker 3 (07:17):
Sure?

Speaker 5 (07:17):
Just in case, just go just look at it. It's beautiful.

Speaker 3 (07:21):
It's like a Mary Poppins bag though it's not that huge,
but fits so much in it.

Speaker 5 (07:26):
Cele real surprise package.

Speaker 3 (07:27):
Anyway, My vibe this week is a show that I'm
obsessed with. It has just come out on Apple TV
and has Owen Wilson in it.

Speaker 5 (07:36):
Who I love Owen Wilson personally. I feel like you
either love him or hate him. But it's called stick.

Speaker 3 (07:41):
I feel like Owen hasn't done anything in a long time,
and he doesn't do TV shows. When you think about it,
he's always just like rom com movies.

Speaker 4 (07:47):
I just feel like he's.

Speaker 6 (07:48):
That character who plays the same character in every single thing.

Speaker 4 (07:50):
I like him too, but you know what you're getting.

Speaker 5 (07:53):
Well, this one's a little bit different.

Speaker 3 (07:55):
But he's a It is a comedy still, but he
is a like washed up retired professional golfer who has
just lost his way in life. He had one big
breakdown and he's trying to get back on his feet.
He finds a young kid that he sees some talent
in but he's a bit off the rails too, like
doesn't want to be involved in golf.

Speaker 5 (08:15):
And it's only they're releasing week by week.

Speaker 3 (08:18):
There's four episodes out at the moment, but it's just
like coming out week by week from now. But the
first four Ben and I were just like hooked watched NonStop.

Speaker 1 (08:25):
Who was the actor in this?

Speaker 3 (08:26):
Alan Wilson, Oh, I am you know the particular loo
blonde hair, looks like he's had a broken nose.

Speaker 1 (08:35):
Everything he did one where he's a heroin addict or something.
At one point, I think you're thinking Matthew mcconoughey. I'm
thinking him. I know exactly. Oh, he's also in had
Is Guntender.

Speaker 5 (08:46):
He's in a lot. He's a big Hollywood actor.

Speaker 1 (08:49):
He's the main Yeah, he's the main guy from Hadelo's Gutend.

Speaker 4 (08:52):
Isn't that Matthew McConaughey.

Speaker 1 (08:54):
No, I thought it was him, wasn't it. I'm pretty
sure it's Matthew.

Speaker 5 (09:01):
But I see where you're going, Laura. They look very similar.

Speaker 1 (09:04):
So bad they look similar. I thought I got that one.

Speaker 7 (09:07):
I think more so they sound kind of similar.

Speaker 5 (09:09):
But I just really really like it.

Speaker 3 (09:11):
I really like seeing him in something different like a
TV series, and it's just I haven't seen anything like it.

Speaker 5 (09:16):
I feel like a lot.

Speaker 3 (09:17):
Of streamers now pump out very similar things in a
slightly different way. I just haven't seen anything like this.
So it's called stick Apple TV.

Speaker 5 (09:25):
If you have Apple. Can't recommend it enough.

Speaker 6 (09:28):
My vibe this week is something that I truly cannot
believe I'm actually vibing.

Speaker 7 (09:31):
It is Pierce Morgan Uncensored.

Speaker 4 (09:34):
Bear with me. I have very strong opinions on Piers Morgan.

Speaker 6 (09:38):
I assume that most people listen to this podcast probably
have similar opinions on Piers Morgan.

Speaker 5 (09:42):
However, this was with the person who I was shot
to the top.

Speaker 6 (09:45):
Of my list of celebrity favorites, like he's so far
in my past basket. It is Prof g Or Scott Galloway.
I've recommended his Prof Gene Markets podcast before. That's the
one he does. I kind of said that it was
like a good early access to the finance well, but
what I liked about it is that it's for me
that podcast is a bit of a crossover of like
pop culture and markets, and I've kind of realized that

(10:08):
all of these things are super interconnected. And with this
drama that I'm sure we all heard about to do
with elong Musk and Trump and America, Like, this is
the main time that I can think of where I
think pop culture, finance, and politics has all kind of
just mished into one.

Speaker 1 (10:24):
The ven diagram is much closer than it used to
be totally.

Speaker 7 (10:27):
It's like a complete circle at the moment.

Speaker 6 (10:29):
And I was really I guess I was just quite
fascinated in a really negative way to see the fallout
of how this happened and kind of see how it's
impacting so many people, particularly in America at the moment.
But this debate that happened on Piers Morgan Uncensored, which
is a YouTube channel. It's titled Musk Derangement Syndrome, Doge
Legacy Debate Scott Galloway versus Kevin O'Leary. So, Scott Galloway,

(10:52):
this is prof g that I'm kind of obsessed with.
He is like a moderate progressive. He does not like
Donald Trump.

Speaker 4 (10:59):
He often refers to.

Speaker 6 (11:00):
Him as a fucking idiot on his own podcast, and
he hates Elon mask Well, yeah, he doesn't respect Elon.
And what I really liked about this kind of debate
I guess a lot of people in the comments were
saying that it was the most civilized and thought provoking
debate that they had seen on Piers Morgan.

Speaker 7 (11:17):
Like often Peers just starts yelling at people and everyone.

Speaker 4 (11:20):
Just talks over the top of each other.

Speaker 5 (11:22):
I watched it.

Speaker 3 (11:23):
Peers was so considered and just let them speak, and
you could see he was thinking about it.

Speaker 2 (11:27):
Ah, yeah, I agree with that, because I do feel
like he constantly speaks. He will say something and then
just constantly railroad by speaking over the top of the
person and so that they can't argue back at all.

Speaker 1 (11:37):
It's infuriating.

Speaker 6 (11:38):
It was actually trying to think about why that might
be the case, and I think it's because Scott kind
of talks their language. He is a white, middle aged,
very rich man who made all of his money himself.
He can kind of go toe to toe with them,
and in a way, I'm like, oh, they actually respect Scott,
which is kind of misogynistic in nature. So there was
this one particular point of the interview where Piers Morgan

(11:58):
was literally speechless.

Speaker 7 (12:00):
He's only a response to it was well, and this
is what Scott had to say about.

Speaker 8 (12:04):
Elong must somehow we've decided in America that innovation and
money replaces, or obviates, or excuses depravity. I think one
of the wonderful things about being an American, and quite frankly,
for me, what it means to be a man, and
what I try to teach my boys is the whole
point of prosperity is that's that you can protect people.
And I think the two of you are more impressed

(12:25):
with mister muss than I am. I think if somebody
is making Nazi salutes, if somebody is being sued concurrently
by two women for soul custody of their child because
that person has not spent any time with that child,
when someone is so severely addicted to drugs they can't
get their together to show up to the White House
without looking exceptionally high, I don't think that's the right

(12:46):
role model for young men. So what I would ask
to all of us is, look at what money has
done to us. That if someone can land a rocket
on metal scissors or create a great av he's a genius.
He's the wealthiest man in the world. Does that mean
we should excuse depravity? Does that mean, unlike Bill Gates,
he's not using his billions to help people. I think

(13:06):
this is an individual who has literally come off the tracks,
who was rapidly addicted to drugs, and is using his
immense power to get people elected, and that too many
of us excuse what is abhorrent behavior. I think his
legacy is not going to be an ev or putting
rockets into space. I think it's going to be unnecessary death, disease,

(13:29):
and disability of the world's most vulnerable. That is not
what it means to be an innovator. It's not what
it means to be an American. It's not what it
means to be a man.

Speaker 1 (13:38):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (13:40):
Yeah, I watched it, and I thought it's the most
calm and educated takedown of somebody that I'd ever seen.

Speaker 5 (13:46):
I really enjoyed it as well.

Speaker 2 (13:47):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (13:47):
So it's about forty five minutes on YouTube.

Speaker 6 (13:49):
If you're into either finance, politics, or kind of the
pop culture crossover like I am. I really really enjoyed it,
even though I hate adding to the views that PE's Morgan.

Speaker 1 (14:00):
Yes, but it was.

Speaker 7 (14:01):
Yeah, it was actually quite an interesting and level debate.

Speaker 4 (14:05):
I thought, all right, let's get into it.

Speaker 5 (14:08):
Question number one.

Speaker 3 (14:09):
I've got a story here, girls, that's been really weighing
on me, and I'm hoping to get your thoughts on it.

Speaker 5 (14:14):
Let me take you back to when I was born.

Speaker 4 (14:16):
A long story.

Speaker 3 (14:18):
I was adopted at just six weeks old, and right
from the start, the adoption agency told my parents something surprising.
They mentioned that my biological parents had also given birth
to a baby boy two years before me, and that
he too had been adopted. The agency asked if my
parents would be interested in meeting him, my biological brother,
and of course, my adoptive parents said yes, absolutely So

(14:41):
from a really young age, my brother and I have
been very close. We've celebrated birthdays together and grown up
from that unique connection. Fast forward to now, we're both
the same stage of life, starting the families.

Speaker 5 (14:51):
Of our own.

Speaker 3 (14:52):
It's a whole new chapter and it's made me start
thinking about meeting my biological parents. I've wondered if I
should make an attempt to meet them and try to
learn more about my roots. Here's where it gets tricky.
My brother has absolutely no interest in meeting our biological parents.
He's content with the life that he has built and
doesn't want to stir the pot. So here's my dilemma.

(15:13):
Do I tell him that I'm planning on meeting our
biological parents.

Speaker 5 (15:16):
Should I respect his wishes.

Speaker 3 (15:18):
Not to pursue it, or do I just go ahead
and meet them without mentioning it to him. I'm torn,
and I'm curious. What would you guys do in my shoes?

Speaker 2 (15:28):
I mean, it's really tricky for us to unpack this
when we've never been in the situation of the yearning
for knowing what was I guess, like the biology behind
who we are. But I also think that if you
have those feelings, you're absolutely allowed to pursue them. Like,
on one hand, yes, respect your brother's wishes that he
doesn't want to, but on the other hand, he needs

(15:49):
to respect your wishes that you do want to your
individual people. You live individual lives, and you've both had
a similar experience through adoption, but you've had your own
unique experiences as well. I would say that it's a
conversation with your brother and say that you are going
to pursue this, but you respect his decision and unless
he asks or wants to know information, you're not going

(16:11):
to share it with him.

Speaker 1 (16:12):
And I think that that is probably.

Speaker 2 (16:14):
Going to be quite hard for you because when you
find out you're going to want to you're going to
want to talk to someone about it. Naturally, you're probably
going to want to talk to him about it. But
he may not be the right person in this instance
for you to speak about because that might be breaching
his boundaries. So I would say, go ahead and do it,
go ahead and seek out what it is that you're
looking for, but also respect that that's not going to

(16:36):
be something that everybody wants, you know, and that that's
not what your brother wants.

Speaker 5 (16:39):
It's so tricky.

Speaker 3 (16:41):
I agree with everything you said, Laura, Like this is
your life and you've made the decision that you want
to know about it, and that's totally fine. Like this
is your history and your parents, and you're allowed to
do whatever it is you want to do. You love
your brother and you respect him, and that's why you
are even considering, maybe not following your passion of finding
out your roots, because you do love him and care

(17:01):
about him, and I think that that's really amazing. It's
tricky because it's pretty easy for us to say, you
know what, you respect each other's wishes.

Speaker 5 (17:11):
He doesn't have to know. That's his choice, and you
can go and find out that's your choice. It's tricky
because it's opening a can of worms.

Speaker 3 (17:17):
And like you said, Laura, whether or not you try
so hard to say, I'm never going to mention anything,
there is a chance that maybe you find them and
form a relationship with them, and they become a part
of your life, and then by default, they're going to
eventually be a part of your brother's life, even if
he still chooses not to. They might end up at
a family event, or you know, they might want to

(17:37):
have some kind of contact. They might ask you to
reach out to him. You don't know what is going
to happen. You might meet them, And I say this
with full respect. I know people this has happened to
This happened to my mum. Actually she wasn't adopted, but
her dad left when she was only five and she
never saw him again and she ended up tracking him down.
But you might meet them and find them and they
want nothing to do with him, Like you do, not

(17:58):
know how it's going to end up. But yeah, it
just sounds like you have made the decision and you're
thinking about it, and I can't imagine what that's like.
I don't imagine that that feeling's going to go away.
Once you have that curiosity and desire to know where
you came from.

Speaker 5 (18:13):
I don't think that's going to go away.

Speaker 3 (18:14):
So I do think you need to have a combo
with your brother and say, this is the track that
I want to go down, and you let me know
what your boundaries are or what you want to know
if you want to know if I've found them, And
then in a way, I guess you're going to have
to respect that. If he says, go for it, but
tell me nothing, you're going to have to do your
best to really do that.

Speaker 2 (18:30):
I'd be so interested to know whether you have the
same biological dad as well, or it's just the same
biological mom, because it could be different dads, same mom.

Speaker 3 (18:37):
They've said biological parents, so I think they might be
from I mean that's.

Speaker 5 (18:41):
What she said. She said it a few times and
she says biological parents.

Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yeah. Interesting.

Speaker 2 (18:47):
I mean, gosh, it would be fascinating, right, Like you
would want a question and want to know why, like, okay, well,
if we have the same biological parents, why did you
give two children up for adoption in two years, like
two babies. It's not like it was two kids at
the same time. It was one baby, and then two
years later you had another baby, and you gave.

Speaker 1 (19:04):
That baby away as well.

Speaker 2 (19:05):
It happens a lot, I know it does, but I
guess like usually there is some sort of reasoning as
to what that family is going through, all the reasons
why they're unable to or unwilling to, you know, provide.
I do think that there is a way that you
can navigate this without dragging your brother into it if
he has explicitly asked not to be. And the reason
why I say that is from a very very well

(19:28):
I should say, different, personal experience, but also I think
it can be related to this. My stepdad was out
of the picture, so my stepdad my mom's second husband,
not the one who passed away recently that I talk
about and talk about with the.

Speaker 1 (19:42):
Absolute love and fondness. Neil.

Speaker 2 (19:45):
My mum was remarried when I was young to my stepdad,
who was really horrible and quite abusive, and I've spoken
about it before on the pod. But the good thing
that came out of that relationship was that we had
my little brother, Matt. So Matt is quite a bit
young than me, and Alex was out of the picture
when Matt was born. And now the thing is, Matt
grew up not really ever knowing the intricacies of the

(20:08):
stuff that we all experienced as kids growing up with
his dad in that household. He was too little, Yeah,
he was, well, he was really little, and there was
absolutely no reason to tell him because Alex was gone.
He wasn't in the picture anymore. So Matt grew up
completely not knowing his dad, I think. So he grew
up not knowing his dad, and I grew up very

(20:29):
adamant that I didn't want him to know his dad,
and I was very verbal about it, which in retrospect
probably wasn't my place to be, Like, it wasn't my
place to tell him that he shouldn't have a relationship
with his dad if he wanted to seek it out,
But I was like, I don't want any reason for
him to come back into my life at all. So
that's where I was coming from with that conversation. I

(20:49):
found out years and years later, when I was in
my mid twenties or probably early thirties. No, actually, I
found out when I was in my early thirties that
my brother had sought out a relationship with him, and
my brother never told me so for years he had
connection with his stepdad, sorry with his biological dad and
my stepdad, and I would have hated. I would have

(21:10):
hated knowing that he was doing that at the time.
And I'm really grateful to some respects that my brother
didn't tell me. I don't know if it was because
he couldn't be bothered with the drama that it might
have caused. But at the same time, that's his journey
and that was his path to walk, and he needed
to either a close that chapter or b discover what
it was and who he was and where he came from.

(21:31):
But he managed to navigate that without me being a
part of it, and so I do think it's possible.

Speaker 3 (21:35):
That's interesting because I mean, I haven't been in the
situation again, But it's interesting because when you were talking
about that, I didn't think that's what you're going to say.
I thought you were going to say you were mad
that you didn't know. And that's maybe an indication that
it's so dependent on the individual.

Speaker 5 (21:50):
Your brother, Oh, we don't know him.

Speaker 3 (21:52):
He might be mad if he finds out you've done
it behind his back, or he might be grateful that
you haven't told him, which is why I think you
just had the conversation and be upfront and just say, hey,
if I choose to go down the path of finding them, like,
don't say I'm going to maybe just say, if I
choose to go down this path, can I just get
a feel of the room, Like do you want to
know at all? Or do your totally yeah, and just
have the conversation. When my mom tracked her dad down,

(22:14):
like I said, he left when she was like five
or under, just walked out and never came back. And
she tracked him down when she was maybe close to forty,
like she was a grown adult, and they decided her
and sisters decided that hey, let's see who he is.
And she met him and she regrets ever meeting him.
She was like, there was zero point he didn't have

(22:35):
an interest in me. Then he doesn't have an interest
in us.

Speaker 1 (22:38):
Now, like you know.

Speaker 5 (22:39):
And they needed to do that for themselves and their
own closure.

Speaker 3 (22:42):
And it could have gone the other way. It could
have been amazing and they could have had a relationship.
Didn't pan out that way for them.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
Sometimes these sort of reconciliations or meetings or finding the
answers to your biological parents sometimes they have really beautiful results,
and we've definitely seen those on the podcast before we've
spoken to people who.

Speaker 1 (22:58):
Have had that.

Speaker 2 (22:59):
But also sometimes there's a reason why that person wasn't
in your life in the first place, and it's a
disappointing result, but that in and of itself can be
closure that someone might need or want. So yeah, I
think it's a tricky one.

Speaker 3 (23:12):
I would love to hear this one as an aftermath,
particularly if you decide to go down the route. If
you do, do you find them, how does it go?
Did you have the conversation with your brother or if
you're listening now and you've been in a similar situation,
just write. If you're comfortable, you can say anonymous, but
write in and let us know how it went for you,
because it's not a situation that a lot of people

(23:32):
are in. So yeah, I would be interested to hear
how it went for you, all right.

Speaker 2 (23:35):
Question two, I would love to know your thoughts on
gift registries for a baby shower. I have a lovely
friend who has created a gift registry for an upcoming
baby shower. It has a variety of different items and
different prices, so there's some cheaper ones but also if
you're wanting to get something more expensive, you could go
in with friends. I know that this word gets thrown

(23:57):
around a lot, but it's given me the ick. I
totally get wanting to receive items that you need or want,
but it seems incredibly impersonal. With this registry, you can
get the gift directly delivered to the address. I'm not
entirely sure how it works, but you might not even
know who it has been gifted from on delivery. What
do you think of gift registries for baby showers? Am

(24:17):
I just being a sour puss?

Speaker 3 (24:20):
I have mixed feelings about gift registries.

Speaker 5 (24:23):
This might and I don't know.

Speaker 3 (24:25):
We're all looking at each other in the room, so
I feel like I might say something's about to offend someone.

Speaker 2 (24:28):
Well, there's two people who have gift well not gift regiscees,
but kids in the room, so have been through the
Processness is our incredible video editor has just had another baby.
I would love to get your take on this as well.
Mess Yeah, and also myself.

Speaker 5 (24:41):
Gift registries, and I'm talking about not even just babies.

Speaker 3 (24:43):
I guess I'm gonna talk about a gift registry obviously,
it's really common for weddings. I personally would never personally,
but I understand a registry. I understand the idea. Back
in the day, you used to get presents for weddings
and babies and things like that, because you know, for
a wedding, people didn't live together or create a life

(25:03):
together before they got married back in the day, so
the idea of presence were like, you're starting your new
life together.

Speaker 5 (25:08):
Here's some saucepans for the kitchen.

Speaker 3 (25:10):
Here's your dowry, not even a dowry, but it was
like to help you set up a life. But these days,
people have lived their lives, they're living together, they've got
kids before they get married, and they're same with babies.

Speaker 5 (25:19):
Like people are getting everything that they need.

Speaker 2 (25:21):
But you know, traditionally a dowry was like a big
wooden case that was filled with linen. It wasn't just money,
it was like linen, it was tablecloths, it was cheese
knives and bread and knives.

Speaker 3 (25:31):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (25:31):
Also, I don't want a cheese knife.

Speaker 1 (25:33):
Ash.

Speaker 2 (25:33):
My career was actually so nice because I remember growing
up with my grandparents and they would have so many
things in their house, like the bread knife that they had,
which was an exceptional bread knife. It was a wedding
gift I received, and now my mum has that red knife.
But there were so many things in their house that
they use up until very old age that were all
wedding gifts that they'd received.

Speaker 4 (25:52):
How do you feel if we got you a bread knife?
I'd love it.

Speaker 3 (25:54):
My knife's are blunt, all right? No no, no, no
no no. I'd what I what I was for me,
And it might be personal even without a registry. I
don't ask for things. I hate asking for things. I
don't feel comfortable with people giving me stuff. Maybe it
would feel different if I was setting up a life
with someone.

Speaker 5 (26:11):
And it doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate it.

Speaker 3 (26:13):
But the idea for me of going online and putting
things together and then sending it out to people and saying, hey,
send me this.

Speaker 5 (26:19):
Stuff, I couldn't do it.

Speaker 3 (26:21):
But I understand it because if you know you're gonna
get gifts anyway. And I say this because when you
have a baby shower, everyone knows you're gonna bring something
for the baby.

Speaker 1 (26:28):
That's the whole point of a baby sit, the whole.

Speaker 3 (26:30):
Point I understand where you're like Okay, cool, if we're
gonna do this, this is the stuff that I haven't
got yet. This is the stuff I need because nobody
wants to get ten of the same thing and nothing
of what they need, and I one hundred percent get it.
But I do think registries you know who it's from,
unless you put it's anonymous like you say, hey, this
is from me, like Sally.

Speaker 1 (26:51):
Or because you tick it off.

Speaker 2 (26:52):
Yeah, once it's ticked off, it goes through to the
person via now that that's the thing you're purchasing. But
I'm just putting wet nurse and night nanny or my
GIF registry. If anyone wants to bring me either of
those two.

Speaker 1 (27:02):
I'm cool with it. Full time nanny, full time night nanny.

Speaker 6 (27:05):
I've got an experience about this that I feel like
some people might relate to. So obviously I'm not a
very organized person. We have some friends a little while
ago they got married. They had a gift registry, and
I knew that they had a gift registry, so I was.

Speaker 7 (27:18):
Like, cool, cook, cool, We'll deal with that when I
have to.

Speaker 6 (27:20):
So the day before the wedding comes and went to
go on the gift registry and all of the ones
that were like the price point that I was thinking
that God spend, they were all gone and so they
were only they're really and I was like, oh.

Speaker 7 (27:33):
Too hard, You're getting a card with.

Speaker 6 (27:35):
The money I need an ATM.

Speaker 2 (27:39):
Look, I feel slightly differently to you, Britt, and it's
to be fair and to be clear, I've never had
a gift registry before. I've never done it for a
baby shower. But I do think you have to keep
in mind that you are in a position where you
have a great income, you have a great job, and
you're able to buy a lot of things that you
want for yourself. So if you if you had a baby,
you would be fine, Like you would be able to

(28:01):
support and set up your nursery and everything in a
totally comfortable way. There are a lot of people out
there who don't have that luxury, and having a gift
registry is so incredibly helpful. It stops them from having
three thousand fucking muslin wraps and not a single baby bottle,
do you know what I mean. So I think for
some people it actually has a really great purpose. It

(28:22):
means that they get really functional items that are absolutely
going to be used and it can help support them
because having a kid and needing a lot of the
stuff if you're starting from scratch, can be overwhelming and expensive.
I think that there is an absolute purpose to it.
It doesn't offend me. I understand why people do it
if they're organized enough to and I do also get
why give some people the ick because it takes the

(28:43):
personal element out of it. But I think sometimes if
you know that someone's going to get you something anyway,
it is a transactional affair, and so it just makes
it worthwhile for everyone in that situation.

Speaker 3 (28:54):
It's so practical for baby showings, it's absolutely but the
wedding thing.

Speaker 1 (28:58):
The wedding one, yeah, I don't think you need it
for a wedding, just give money.

Speaker 7 (29:02):
I also wonder if.

Speaker 4 (29:02):
It's more personal than money, do you know what I mean?
Like a gift registry.

Speaker 6 (29:07):
At least it's a gift and at least you can
kind of go, well, that's what that person got me.

Speaker 2 (29:10):
And also there's multiple ways you can do a gift registry.
You can also you can ticket. You can ticket and
have it delivered straight to their person's house, which is
obviously for efficiency.

Speaker 1 (29:21):
Or you can have it delivered to your house.

Speaker 2 (29:23):
You can wrap it and you can take it to
the baby shower like that's also an option.

Speaker 7 (29:27):
But you can just text them and say that's from me.

Speaker 1 (29:29):
That's and you can text them and say that's from me.

Speaker 2 (29:31):
But I would wonder whether the person who wrote this
in had had children themselves or not, because I do
think you end up with a lot of stuff you
don't use. Like we're having our third there are baby
things in the cupboard that I have never used, and
the first time they will get used is for this kid, because.

Speaker 1 (29:47):
We just had too much of the same stuff.

Speaker 5 (29:49):
But also, you don't have to get anything from the registry.
You can get a gift and write a card and
send it like you don't have to do it.

Speaker 2 (29:55):
If you want to buy a blanket from May and Moo,
go nuts because they're really beautiful. They're handmaid and you'll
never find nicer than that for avapy shower gift.

Speaker 1 (30:01):
There you go, There you go.

Speaker 4 (30:02):
Swipey Jeffaco.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
Now we don't have Tony May on this episode, but
we do have me and recovered.

Speaker 5 (30:08):
Okay, next question.

Speaker 3 (30:10):
We haven't had a question like this before, but I
found it interesting because I've obviously lived on my own
a long time, and Laura has issues.

Speaker 4 (30:16):
So I have recently bought a.

Speaker 5 (30:18):
House with my partner thirty and thirty.

Speaker 3 (30:21):
Okay, stages are important. Congratulations, that's huge news. We've been
living here for a few Yeah, we've been living here
for a few months. Until now, I have lived in
sharehouses with family, et cetera. I have realized I haven't
had to spend many nights alone. When I do, I
get quite nervous. And I'm talking about safety wise, being
at home by myself.

Speaker 5 (30:41):
I've traveled for work and stuff.

Speaker 3 (30:43):
I've gone on holidays on my own in hotels and apartments,
and I don't feel scared when I do that, but
I do when I'm at my house alone at nighttime.
Our house is like an outer older suburb, which is
quite safe, but when my partner occasionally goes away, which
is once every few months, I feel on edge. I
love the idea of a night to myself, kicking back,

(31:03):
watching TV, eating what I want, but in reality, I'm
nervous and very alert to every single noise. My question
is do other women feel like this? And what do
you do to feel more confident at home on your own?

Speaker 1 (31:17):
Just don't be at home on your own, moving with your.

Speaker 4 (31:19):
Mother in law, Well, you might not have that option.

Speaker 3 (31:21):
Have children, would like Laura, I can Laura's like, what's alone?

Speaker 2 (31:27):
Honestly though, I can relate to this so deeply, and
I wish I could tell you that I had a solution.
I have incredibly bad anxiety about being home alone by myself,
to the point that when I was in my twenties,
I would sleep with a knife in my bed. So
like that is psychotic, I know, but I did that.
I was genuinely petrified. I would sleep with the lights on.

(31:48):
I would check every door. I would go and check
the oven like five times to make sure that the
house wasn't going to burn down. I would check the windows,
I would check in cupboards, I would check under beds.
Like I still have a lot of those traits, and
I know that that's not normal. I've definitely spoke to
people about it, even just recently when we went away
to Bali. I was staying in a hotel room by myself.
My sister was only across the hallway, but every night

(32:11):
before i'd go to bed, I check every cupboard, I
check under every bed, I check every door.

Speaker 1 (32:15):
I still do that.

Speaker 2 (32:16):
I physically cannot go to sleep without going through a
bit of a routine and checking. The problem is, though,
is that And maybe I'll be incorrect in saying this
once again into information that anxiety begets anxiety around this.
The more you do those things, the more that you
give yourself anxiety. So the more that you check, the
more that you then have to continue to check, and
it kind of reinforces that you're unsafe. I am rarely

(32:41):
alone now, rarely alone because I do live with my
mother in law and I have my kids with me
all the time. And it sounds stupid my kids can't
protect me, but even just having them in the house,
I find a comfort because when I'm completely alone, I
find my brain gets very carried away with itself, to
the point where when Matt was in the jungle, when
he would go away and do other things, like she'ld

(33:01):
go and stay it at Matt's sister's house, I would,
And this is probably why my kids have a problemly
sleeping there in bed.

Speaker 1 (33:07):
I would get.

Speaker 2 (33:08):
Lola or Marley and I would put them in bed
with me so that I wasn't sleeping on my own,
purely because you.

Speaker 9 (33:13):
Can sacrifice them first sacrifice them, run allow a one
Marley's lighter so I could just stroller like a bird
at the introder.

Speaker 2 (33:24):
No, it was so that they were close to me,
so there's something happened, I could get out of the
house faster. Like I know, it sounds crazy, but it
is probably slightly linked to a tendencies where you like
hyper fixate on things, because in my twenties it was
really really bad. And I do think the only thing
that I have come across and the only thing that

(33:44):
has definitely resonated with me in the conversations I've had
with people, is that you really have to force yourself
not to do the things that you want to do,
as in like when you know the door is locked,
don't go and check the door again. When you know
it's just something that's outside, you don't have to go
and check all the things that are making you feel anxious.
And every time that you're able to withstand I guess,

(34:05):
like scratching that anxiety itch that you have that makes
you feel nervous, it also helps to reassure you because
then nothing bad happens, So then you have this small
sense of reassurance that okay, well that wasn't anything that
I needed to be worried about. And I have control
over these feelings, and so that I think helps a lot.

Speaker 3 (34:21):
Well, yeah, it's not abnormal to be at home alone,
especially as a woman, and feel a little bit anxious
or nervous.

Speaker 1 (34:26):
And we also live in a.

Speaker 3 (34:27):
World where we're like bombarded with bad, terrible news all
the time, and you're always hearing about something I'm breaking
or a robbery or whatever it is.

Speaker 5 (34:35):
Mine has changed a lot.

Speaker 3 (34:36):
I've been on my own for so many years now,
and I was always fine, and then somebody broke into
my home when I was in the house, and that
just changed everything. I after that started having a lot
of anxiety about it. Didn't sleep well. I had a
knife under my bed because I was often alone at
that house as well. And so that was for a
couple of years, and then I once I moved out

(34:58):
of that house, I started to come good again.

Speaker 5 (35:01):
But things that have helped me. If you know that
you are going to.

Speaker 3 (35:05):
Feel unsafe, you can very easily get so many different
levels of security cameras, things that are gonna alert you
with someone if there is emotion outside, you can look
from the outside in like there are so many different levels.
Some are super expensive, some are cheap. I have cameras
at my home. If anyone's thinking about breaking in, don't.
I have cameras that really helped me. I lock my doors.

(35:27):
This is a trick that they say for people like you, Laura,
that were just saying that you walk back and double check.
If you voice out loud what you've done, you are
more likely to remember that you've done it and feel
okay with it. So if you are constantly checking that
you've locked your door, when you lock it, you say
like two to three times, I've locked the front door,
I'm okay, I've locked the back door. You just say it,

(35:48):
I've locked the front door, I've locked the front door.
I've locked the front door. You walk back, and you
are more likely to remember and feel safe that you've
done it than if you don't voice it out loud.
And it's just a trick that you can do that
for anything. It helps you to remember any thing, like
it's just using a different sense. The other thing that
helped me. I don't know if you've got this. I
don't know if you're able to get this. When I
got Delilah, like having a pet, at home.

Speaker 1 (36:10):
Then you're not alone. That's the thing, right.

Speaker 4 (36:12):
It even just.

Speaker 5 (36:13):
Brings a comfort.

Speaker 3 (36:14):
And Delilah doesn't bark ever, but she will if there's
something outside. So if she does, I'm like, cool, there's
either a possum or someone's about to break in.

Speaker 2 (36:23):
I think that this is incredibly relatable. I even know likeness.
This is something I refer to you now twice in
this episode. Nas and I. If anyone doesn't know, we
live together for a really long time. So Nessa's been
my girlfriend. She's how I ended up getting busted in
the first place. Long backstory, We've known each other for
over a decade. I know that that's something you struggle
with when you're at home by yourself.

Speaker 1 (36:42):
Do you have any techniques that have helped you.

Speaker 10 (36:45):
Well, it's different for me, So for you guys, it
sounds like it's more of a rational fear of like
things that could actually get to whereas mine is just
pure anxiety.

Speaker 2 (36:52):
So no, mine is irrational as well, like checking the
oven four times to make sure it's off, like it's.

Speaker 5 (36:57):
She hasn't gone four years?

Speaker 4 (36:58):
Why would that be?

Speaker 1 (36:59):
Like, do you know what I mean? Mine is totally irrational.

Speaker 10 (37:01):
Yeah, Well, mine's pure anxiety and I've been to therapy
for it. It is for childhood trauma. We've dug deep
over a lot of years, and a really good tip
my therapist gave to me, and having kids has helped
for me because, like you, I'm not alone at night
per se anymore. But a way that she would tell
me to comfort myself, She's like, picture yourself as a child,
and how would you comfort that child if that child

(37:24):
was scared? And so I know it sounds a bit
we wound, a bit silly, and you know, talking to
yourself like your child sounds silly, but comforting a child
who is scared is such an instinctive thing to do.
So then giving yourself that same empathy, and you know,
trying to calm yourself down from I would have panic
attacks and things, so I'd have to like bring my

(37:44):
levels down, and you know, speaking to yourself like a child, Yeah,
as silly as it sounds, can help.

Speaker 3 (37:49):
So you do you like we'll sit down and just
talk out loud and say comforting things.

Speaker 10 (37:53):
Yeah, yeah, whatever I need, because I'll get really tight
in the chest and start just over nothing, not even
like I won't hear a noise or something. I just
all of a sudden, I feel it dawns on me.
And yeah, it gets better with a pet of children,
but mostly therapy.

Speaker 2 (38:05):
Yeah, yeah, I would agree. All right, next question, it's
a cheating question. Firstly, I'm in complete shock that I'm
in this situation.

Speaker 1 (38:16):
Yeah, that sucks.

Speaker 2 (38:17):
My husband and father of our three kids told me
the day before Mother's Day what a fucking jerk via
text while he was away from work that he got
blackout drunk and had sex with someone while on a
night out for a friend's birthday.

Speaker 3 (38:33):
Or to catch imagine just imagine cheating. But then being like,
I'll just text her until I'll text her the day
before Mother's Day when I'm not home one Mother's Day.

Speaker 2 (38:41):
Ah man. He says he doesn't remember and only confessed
because I bluffed I had evidence other than a hectic
thrush infection and a strong hunch I really didn't have
any evidence to be honest, and says he is ashamed
and sorry, etc.

Speaker 1 (38:55):
Etc. Of all other things.

Speaker 2 (38:58):
I'm not angry, and unfortunately understand where some of this
kind of behavior, like drinking to such excess comes from.

Speaker 1 (39:04):
He has childhood trauma.

Speaker 2 (39:06):
But I am devastated we had a beautiful relationship, a
wonderful life, and it feels like it's all covered in
shit now. So first question, will this feeling of sadness
and shit covered relationship fade? Second question, do I have
to come up with a list of demands, boundaries, changes
that he needs to meet because that feels like a
lot of hard work. Is it his responsibility to come

(39:28):
up with such parameters? And thirdly, do I have to
tell people? I am worried my close friends and family
will hate him beyond repair if I tell them, but
also don't want to bear the load myself. Is the
relief of support worth the inevitable hate towards him for
the sake of our lives and our relationship?

Speaker 5 (39:46):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (39:47):
This is I mean, there are so many questions in this. Firstly,
there is three yeah, yeah, but there's so many paths
to it, Like there's childhood trauma, there's obviously some sort
of an addiction to alcohol the way he told you.

Speaker 5 (39:57):
Then all of your questions. Firstly, you're going through this.

Speaker 3 (40:01):
I love that you're not angry, like maybe there's something
in that that you're not pulling yourself apart about it,
But you're obviously absolutely devastated, as you should be. He's
your husband and you have children together, and he's done
the wrong thing.

Speaker 5 (40:13):
He only confessed because you got it out of him.

Speaker 1 (40:15):
Yeah, because you entrapped him.

Speaker 4 (40:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (40:17):
And I wonder why you're not angry.

Speaker 3 (40:20):
I wonder if it's because in a way it doesn't
come You've said you're shocked, but I feel like maybe
this hasn't come as a surprise, like you're almost like okay, cool,
like not shocked that shocks that has happened.

Speaker 2 (40:30):
I think also probably the level of remorse that he's
showing is what makes you go, Okay, well that was
really hurtful, but you know you're staying. She knows, she
said this person is not leaving her husband right now,
So that's not what I just want to make it
clear that is not the advice that she is seeking,
and so we're not gonna sit here.

Speaker 3 (40:48):
I never say that and tell you to leave your
partner for this. Our advice is never that anyway, Well, sorry,
I shouldn't say ours.

Speaker 5 (40:53):
I don't want to take you.

Speaker 3 (40:54):
My advice generally speaking, isn't always just throwing the towel,
because I don't believe that it all is the answer.
There is always so much to every single situation. You
are definitely sympathetic to his childhood, and I think that's
why this isn't as hurtful for you, maybe as it
would be if he didn't have quite a troubled childhood.

Speaker 5 (41:14):
But that's not an excuse for behavior.

Speaker 3 (41:17):
That is, it's a reason, but it's not an excuse,
and that is something that he definitely needs to be
working on and maybe he didn't.

Speaker 5 (41:23):
Realize how bad it was until he has gone and
done this.

Speaker 3 (41:28):
It's not your responsibility to come up with the parameters
of saying you need to do this, this and this,
this is the boundary. Whilst it's not your responsibility, you
still do need to put boundaries in place and have
that conversation now that it has all come out his
behavior that he has a problem that he obviously drinks
to black out. That is not normal. It's not okay.

(41:48):
It's not normally not okay when you're not in a relationship.
It's not normally okay in a relationship. He definitely needs
to go and seek help to work out why he's
doing it and try and fix the problem, because you
can't just you're a band aid on something. Like you
need to go back to the source. He's got issues
that he needs to go and get help with, and
that is coming into your life and your world and
your relationship and your children and your house, which is

(42:11):
not okay. But you do need to talk to him
and like it's not going to help to say, hey, look.

Speaker 5 (42:17):
I'm not even angry, Like let's sort this out.

Speaker 3 (42:19):
You need to put those boundaries in place and say, like,
if you are not going to try and seek help,
we are going to have huge issues.

Speaker 5 (42:26):
And I don't know if I can be in this
relationship because if there's no repercussions.

Speaker 1 (42:30):
For something, totally there's no consequences.

Speaker 3 (42:32):
Yeah, there's no consequences or repercussions. People don't really know
what's at stake to lose. And I know that sounds dramatic,
but it's really not like if you don't draw a
line somewhere, he'll continue to cross sat invisible line.

Speaker 1 (42:45):
Totally.

Speaker 2 (42:45):
I think you are being more than accepting. I actually
think you're almost being too accepting of the behavior. And
it's obviously because you have a lot of empathy for
the things that your husband has been through. Now, I
do not think that binge drinking to blackout is an excuse,

(43:07):
just as you said, Britt. And it is very evident
that when your husband hurts you, it's because he is drinking.
So if he is going to go and behave like this,
there is no reason why this won't happen again. So
you've identified the problem. It's the drinking. That may not
be the root cause of why he's drinking, but he's
still drinking. So it doesn't work for you to put

(43:29):
boundaries in place with him. It doesn't work for you
to say you're not allowed to drink anymore. I need
you to do XYZ like those things don't actually work.
Those boundaries have to come from him. They have to
be supported by you, they have to be a conversation
from you. But he's got to be the one that says,
I'm massively fucked up. I understand why you were as
hurt as what you are, and I need to change

(43:51):
something because if he doesn't change anything, he's going to
do the same thing. And I would say that for somebody,
it's not normal to get blackout drunk at all. Like no,
people who think binge drinking to the point where they
get black out drunk is just something they do with
the boys once a month or whenever.

Speaker 1 (44:06):
It's it's not normal and it shouldn't happen.

Speaker 2 (44:09):
And if he went and spoke to someone or spoke
to a therapist, they would tell him that he's an alcoholic.
If he's getting that drunk, that is all the hallmark
signs of someone who is actually an alcoholic getting drunk
to that excess.

Speaker 1 (44:20):
So yeah, look, I would say it is going to
be hard work.

Speaker 2 (44:22):
He has completely completely broken the trust and the foundations
for the relationship that you have.

Speaker 1 (44:28):
You clearly want to work on.

Speaker 2 (44:29):
This, but you can't just go back to the way
it was, you know, three months ago, and pretend that
nothing happened and just smooth over it.

Speaker 3 (44:37):
And you've also said, you know, is this going to
fade this feeling of sadness and shit covered relationship?

Speaker 1 (44:44):
No not.

Speaker 3 (44:44):
If no one's doing anything, you can go back and
pretend now, but it will come back and rear its
ugly head. And the last question that you asked is,
you know, do you have to tell people? Can you
tell people? Should you tell people? That's completely up to you.
You do need to bear the law. I do think that,
like I don't feel like you should take it all
on yourself, and sometimes you need to the same way

(45:05):
you've written to us. You want advice and you want
to talk about it with someone. I do think you
need to, but you need to choose who that is.
If that's either like a therapist or a counselor someone
maybe you're not that close to, or a family member,
or maybe it's someone you are close to. But you
do need to be aware that it is highly likely
they will hate him or they will dislike him, and

(45:25):
you can't unhear something or unlearn something. So once these
people know that he has cheated on you and put
you through this and done these horrible things, even if
you do work through it and they still are really
lovely with him, they will always know what he did
and it will always it's always going to be tainted.
It will change your relationship that you have with your friends.

(45:48):
It will change the relationship that you have with your partner,
not necessarily in a bad way, but it will not
be the same as it was. And that is something
you need to consider when you talk about this and
who you choose to talk about it.

Speaker 2 (45:59):
Yeah, and I I think you know, Look, there's so
much in this The one thing you said is is
the relief of support worth the inevitable hate towards him?

Speaker 1 (46:08):
How much do you need support right now?

Speaker 2 (46:10):
Because it sounds like you are totally prioritizing everything about
his feelings, his emotions, like he is being put at
the center of your world right now in the way
that you frame this question, and you want to repair
the relationship, and you also want to support him, But
who's supporting you? And also you're not the one who

(46:30):
fucked this up, like you need support too, So maybe
it's one friend, Maybe it is go if you don't
want something totally impartial, maybe it's a therapist. But by
all accounts, it doesn't actually sound like you're the one
who needs therapy in this relationship. You might need therapy
so that you can draw better boundaries, but it sounds
like he does. It really sounds like he actually needs
a bit of help. And I understand everyone can fuck up,

(46:53):
like it's a possibility. I'm not going to say like,
I don't think that everyone cheats. I don't think that
cheating is a totally abnormal and really horrible thing to
do in your relationship, but it does happen, and people
can be incredibly remorseful for it. However, if he's still
going out and getting black out drunk, the reason why
this is never going to go away isn't necessarily because

(47:13):
he is going to cheat on you again. It's because
every single time he goes out and gets drunk with
the boys, you're going to think that he is, so
your insecurity is going to build. You're not going to
be able to get over this and you're not going
to be able to trust him again. So changes have
to be made. It is going to be hard, and
you have to work through it together if you want
it to work. But it's not up to you to
enforce those boundaries. It's not up to you to enforce

(47:37):
the change on him. It's up to him to actually
prove to you that he is remorseful in ways that
go beyond just words and actually do something to show
you that he's not going to have this behavior again
in your relationship and is worthy of the forgiveness.

Speaker 3 (47:51):
Yeah, and it's so evident your response to this and
the way you're handling it and how considered you are.

Speaker 5 (47:54):
It's evident how much you love.

Speaker 3 (47:56):
Your partners totally, which is amazing, and like you do
want to help and support him because you know it
sounds like it is something that is out of the blue,
and you know you mentioned he has his history. But
the success of this relationship comes down to his response
and what he does. If somebody's not willing to put
in the work to change after something's like this, so

(48:16):
devastating like this, then I don't see how the relationship
will end up being happy and successful.

Speaker 1 (48:20):
And I'm so sorry of going through this.

Speaker 2 (48:22):
And for anybody who's ever been cheated on or has
had like a huge betrayal in a relationship, just know
that like words and apologies actually mean fuck all.

Speaker 1 (48:33):
Like it's action that means something.

Speaker 2 (48:35):
So if people are seemingly so remorseful that they're crying,
sometimes that's a really good way of getting you to
feel empathy for them. But at the end of the day,
they're the one who created this situation. Of course you
have empathy for them. Of Course you can feel sad
about where things are at because of their actions, but like,
don't give up the way you feel sad for yourself

(48:55):
and for what's happened to you and to the relationship
you had because of what they've done.

Speaker 5 (49:00):
All right, let's get out of it.

Speaker 1 (49:03):
We've got lies to live now, we we'll live in them.

Speaker 5 (49:04):
Oh no, I actually got to go to another recording
we have.

Speaker 4 (49:06):
We got an interview.

Speaker 2 (49:08):
If you want to go and watch any of this
on YouTube. All of the episodes are on YouTube. Go
and watch us in the flash. You can see me
in my shoes and no socks and you know the dress.

Speaker 5 (49:16):
So mum tea, dad tea, dog tea friends and shares
a

Speaker 1 (49:19):
Lung because we are love

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Ask Uncut - HELP! My husband cheated.

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