Hey Lifers!
Welcome back to ask uncut where we unpack your deep and burning questions.
First up, an Aussie celeb has said that he loves dogs so much, he had two of them that passed away taxidermied. They live in his current house alongside his dog that is still alive. Would you ever taxidermy your pet? What’re your thoughts about Scotty’s stuffed pets?
Vibes for the week:
Keeshia - @Emilydbaker
Britt - Chilli and Charli PJs
Then we jump into your questions!
SOMEONE TOLD MY DAUGHTER THEY’RE HER HALF SISTER - HELP
Ok strap in for this one. A little background I have a daughter, she’s 12 and in highschool. Her dad unfortunately was murdered and passed away 8 years ago, big trauma for both of us etc.. So fast forward to this week, my daughter has a friend at school. She's known her since primary school but they’ve gotten quite close this year. My daughter came home Wednesday and told me her friend told her a big secret and not to tell me or anyone else. This friend proceeds to tell my daughter that she’s her half sister because her mum used to be with my daughters dad’s best friend and when they were trying to get pregnant he couldn’t so my daughters dad “donated sperm”. Now while this sounds insane and like an episode of home and away, there were some key facts that were too correct to ignore, for one they knew the name of my daughters dad’s best friend so at a minimum they knew each other. After doing some digging I found out that this best friend had a kid with a woman who my daughter’s dad was friends with, and it was a girl and would be around the same age as my daughter. My question is WTAF do I do? I’ve given the school my details and asked them to pass it on to the mother because they won’t give me her details. Do I ignore this and move on? But I can’t, my daughter goes to school with this child. Also if it is true me and him would have been together at the time, either pregnant with our daughter or planning it when he “donated sperm” to someone and didn’t tell me. This has severely rocked my kid (she’s in therapy) but still. Help!!
UNDERWHELMING PROPOSAL
My partner recently proposed, and I wasn’t expecting anything big or over the top, just something thoughtful and meaningful. But the moment felt rushed, unplanned and unromantic, and now I feel disheartened and oddly disconnected. I dread when people ask the proposal story and I find myself embellishing it. I feel shallow for feeling this way, but I can’t shake it. Am I horrible? Should I tell him how I’m feeling, or is that unfair? I would really appreciate some guidance, because I feel guilty, confused and alone sitting with this.
NORMAL TO THINK ABOUT EX?
I am 32 and have been with my current partner for 5 years. We have always had a solid stable relationship and have a one year old baby boy together. I love my partner - he is very kind, loyal, and reliable. I feel safe and secure with him. He is a great dad and very committed to our family. However, our relationships lack intimacy/physical connection (has since before the baby) and it often feels like we are more friends and co parents. We rarely have sex and minimal kissing/cuddling. My ex and I were together for 6 years from 19-25 (so we broke up 8 years ago). I was deeply in love with him. We had a really strong connection and were absolutely crazy about each other. We had an amicable breakup because he had to move for work and we decided to go our separate ways.
As hard as I’ve tried to move on, I still think about him often after 8 years (I’m so sick of it lol)! I find myself looking back on our relationship and longing for that connection we had. As much as I love my partner and our life together, I have this niggling feeling that my ex was the one/the loml /penguin etc and it makes me sad that I’m never going to feel that way again with my partner. Is this a common feeling to have? How do I finally get over my ex?
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Hosted by Britt Hockley & Keeshia Pettit
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
welcome back to another episode of Life on put I'm Brittany.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
And I'm Keisha, and this is where we unpack all
of your deep, dark and burning questions. And britt I'm
coming in hot today with a question of my own.
I think you would struggle to find people who claimed
that they loved dogs more than us. You know, we're
both very big dog people. But I came across a
video on Instagram yesterday. It's becoming my Roman Empire. I
(00:35):
can't stop thinking about it, and I find it.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Very, very, very strange.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
So this video was between you know, Darren Palmer, the
guy who is one of the judges on the Block yep,
and Scottie Kam who he was from that gardening the
show a million years ago and now.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
He's the block host.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Everyone knows Scotti Camp Yeah, okay, So something that a
lot of people will know about him is that he's
like a dog guy. You know, he has working breaths,
and he seems to love his dogs and he trains
them and yadda YadA.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
That was all fine. I really liked that about Scotty.
I thought that trained.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
I thought that was quite endearing until the next part
this video.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
They seem to be on some type of podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I know the details of where I got this information
from probably aren't the most important part, but I could
have done a bit more research to bring it to you.
But I have clarified the details from an article. Darren
was asking Scotty about how much he loves his dogs,
and Scotty ended up responding that he loves his dogs
so much that two of his previous dogs who have
(01:32):
passed away have been professionally taxi dormied and free stride
and they now live in his house.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Ornaments snow freeze dride makes me think of just like
mango slices freeze dride, you know, like snap frozen step frozen.
Like yeah, okay, So just to clarify to everybody.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Scotty currently when he was doing this interview, has a
dog who is alive right now that has to walk past.
It's complete life sized taxidermy ex siblings that have passed on.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
You have a problem with this, A you don't have
a problem. Okay. Firstly, I'm sorry that I'm being this harsh.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
I usually try to kind of understand other people's perspectives.
The idea of taxidermy is so creepy to me. There
is like, as much as I love dogs, there is
no part of me that thinks I would emotionally be
able to cope with walking past a stuffed version of
an animal that I loved so deeply.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Oh, I think it's fine. I think it's fine. I'm
on Scottie Camp's side. I think it's fine.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
And you're gonna stuff Delilah when she passes away and
have her in your house as like an ornament, as
like a sculpture.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
By the sea, that is Delilah. No, it's not for me,
but I understand why Scott has done it. He just
says it's the perfect way to honor a pet. He
says he's so obsessed and in love with it that
he wants to remember it for the rest of time.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
I just don't think I need to have it stuffed
in my house to remember it.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Look, it's not for everyone, and it's different, okay, taxidomin
For me, all this shit is weird, you know, hunting,
When you go into someone's house and there's like a
head on the wall or something disgusting, like disgusting, I
can't stand that. I can't stand looking at it. I
can't stand the reason why. It's a flex that like, oh,
I'm so manly that I killed this poor animal. Like
I don't like that. That's not what this is. This
(03:24):
is like the your this is his beloved pet. That
he is obsessed with dogs. He says he's had a
dog since he was born. He's had multiple dogs at
a time, like it is his literal best friend. And
in this case, I think it's okay that he's taxidomy them.
It's not for me, like I'm not gonna put Delilah in,
But I understand his why, I really do. Here's a quote.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
She's in my house now, collar and ears up, ready
to go, and I say good day to her every
night when I get home. I know it's not for everyone,
but I like it. She was too good to bury.
And as for plans of his future, he said, I've
told my wife that by the time i'm eighty, I'm
gonna have three or four dogs lined up in the
lounge room. I'm crying perfect No, I'm actually sorry. I
(04:07):
feel so sorry for the dog that is alive. Imagine
having to look at that. I imagine having to go
past it and be like, I remember you, Barry, I
remember when you were alive. Well, my friend that I
used to play with, I didn't.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
I think I've got to emotion. I think it's beautiful.
He walks in every day and says hello and it's
ready to go. I think it's really nice. It was
his best friend for a really long time. You're being
too harsh. I'm not being too harsh. You're oh strange.
It's not strange. It's strange. And I feel most sorry
for the dog that's currently still alive, because he's just
looking at what's coming. The dog doesn't know. The dog
(04:40):
just thinks it's the dogs. No, it doesn't know how.
Dogs are smarter than us. Brittany, I told Delilah to
sit twenty five times yesterday at the park, and she
didn't do it. She knows how to, she chooses not to.
I don't think Scottie Cam's alive. Dog walks past the
side eyes he's like, oh fuck, that's where I'm ending up.
I do. I think think that that's what he's thinking.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
And I typically try to not yuck other people's yums,
but this really has changed my opinion of Scottie Kam.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
I find it really odd. Maybe he's frothing. Maybe that
dog's like fuck yeah, like you know what it kind
of don't you get froth at the mouth? You know why,
because it's stuck. It's all so different because he even says,
like you think about his reasoning, she's too good to
go in the ground. I actually love that. I just
I don't think it's anything wrong with it. Is there
(05:26):
a bit of an issue with it been on display
in the lound room? Maybe maybe it needs to be
a study dog, Like I don't think it needs to
be when you're having Christmas, Like, but you know what
I mean, Like, I think it's within reason. I don't
think you should walk into someone's house and every pet
they've ever had it's like hanging off the wall and
on the mantelpiece, and like you walk into the kitchen
and for breakfast and there's Frankie, Like.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
What happened to a photo? What happened to a photo
where you put the collar next to it and you
still think of your loved ones. Don't get me wrong,
I'm a dog person. I absolutely love nothing more than
what I love the dogs in my life, and it's
the life size tons of it as well.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
It's not this chat of it or its size. Yes,
it's interesting. You're the majority for sure, Like most people
woul think taxidermy is strange. Most people, I think if
you asked and polled them, would not taxidermy their pairs
one hundred percent. I'm one of them. I'm in the
category of not, Like, don't ever think you're gonna walk
into my house and Delilah is going to be on
(06:19):
my wall like hope not. No, she's not going to
add that to your shrine. Then it would be a shrine.
It would be a life sized Trundlia would be bigger
than my shrine. That's the funny thing. My pictures are
so small on my wall. No, she's been on a diet,
she's been losing bait, should be fine. I don't know
what I would I think I told you this the
other day. I don't know if I actually said on
the podcast, but I said it to you. Kish I'm
(06:41):
going to cry and what is wrong with me? I'm
so hormonal. I was in the morning. I woke up
with Deliah and I was talking to her, and I'm
going to spend like way more time traveling next year.
And there's like big good, there'll be big chunks of
time that I'll be away. And I was talking to
die because I talked to her like she's a human,
and I was patting her, and I started to say, like,
don't forget me when I go, and I'm gonna come
(07:02):
back and I'll always come back for you, like and
I started crying. I'm crying now. I was like, I'll
always be back for you, and you're gonna have the
best time when you stay with Anaikeisha. And I was
talking to her and I was so upset, and then
I started thinking about like what my life will be
like without her one day and I can't so maybe
I will taxidermy I fuck it, I'm taxi Wow, what
a ride that was. I'm gonna taxidermio. I'm like, I'm
(07:24):
not okay.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
I'm not okay with you taxidrbiying Lyley. I love her,
I love her so thoroughly. I just find it kind
of strange. I'm gonna move on.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Is absolutely my unsubscribed for the week. You're into taxi
derbiying your pets.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
I'm sorry, I just don't know if we're ever gonna
see eye to eye. But I have a really really
good vibe for this week, and it's someone that britt
I reckon. You actually might want to have her on
at some point to do like a guest interview episode.
So her name on Instagram, her account name is the
Emily D.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Baker.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Now, she was a prior LA deputy district attorney. Oh
I think I've seen I feel like you would have.
So this is kind of for the true crimey people,
but it's also if you're into pop culture, because I'm
not really a true crime gal until it crosses over
into the less serious pop culture crime and then I'm
right on board. So she is a lawyer or was
(08:16):
a lawyer, was this you know, previously deputy district attorney
and she breaks down all of these legal cases, so
you know that I was absolutely obsessed with this case.
But it was the Karen Reid case. So she was
the one who back in twenty twenty two, her boyfriend
was found dead in the snow and she was initially
(08:36):
charged with manslaughter and second degree murder and she ended
up getting acquitted of those charges and it turned out
to be this weird police cover up. Like remember, it
was the most bizarre story.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
But Emily.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
I actually started following her a couple of months ago
when that case was all unfolding, because there was so
many intricacies to it that I just didn't understand. And
obviously they've got a different legal system over there, but
at the moment, she was breaking down certain things that
have happened with like the Real Housewives of I'm not
actually not sure.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
The Real Housewives are somewhere.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
They've been done for insurance fraud, and so she's going
through all of these cases. She went through the Ditty
case more recently as well, and I just find her
so utterly fascinating. She gets on Twitch and does these
live streams, and she puts the videos on Instagram, and
she's also got a podcast called The Emily Show Podcast
where she talks about, you know, what's going on in
(09:29):
the courtrooms and how different legal systems work, and it's
all related to like the cases that you want to
hear about. So I find it really really interesting, and
I think that anyone who enjoys that kind of crime
pop culture crossover will also really like her. But I
think she'd be a fascinating person to interview.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
You've already reached out, haven't you. No, I haven't yet.
I wanted to check it by you first and see
how you felt.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Because of the team, Brude is definitely like the true
crime girlie.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Yeah, I'm a sick go for it yeah, and I'm
not a sick. Oh. I get a little bit scared
by it.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
It makes me quite anxious, but she makes me less
anxious because she makes me understand it.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Okay, adding to list for sure. My vibe it's a
quick one this week. It is these pajamas that I
have been wearing a lot on my stories. So, like
you know, I wear pajamas a lot in my life.
If I'm not an active where chances aren't really my pajamas,
but I've had a lot of questions about it when
they appear in my stories. I've got a few pairs
of them. But there's one particular set that is like
(10:26):
white and pink flamingos and it is so comfortable, and
every time I wear it, people message me and say
where's it from. It is from a brand called Chili
and Charlie, and they make bamboo sleepwear. It is the
most comfortable, beautiful sleepwear and it's not it's almost made
like you could wear it out and people wouldn't be like, oh,
(10:46):
you're in your pajamas, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Like they're like a couple of years ago, we went
through that fashion where it was something started to look
like pajamas.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, I had heaps of it. I said it was clothing.
It was my pajama set. But they're like sets that
could be like there's plain black sets or whatever else
that could be looked like you could wear the shirt
open and whatever. Anyhow, her name's Tani the founder. I
know her. I've actually known her for a long time,
so I don't want to pretend like I don't. But
I'm not vibing it because I know her. I'm vibing
it because you guys are always asking me about it. Keisha,
(11:15):
I know you have a set. But she is a
mum of four. Again, we love supporting small businesses, and
she literally started the brand because she had four kids
under four or something wild like that. She has twins.
But she was like, I need to be comfortable at home.
I'm always in my pajamas because I'm trapped at home
with four kids under four. Like She's like going out
was like fat chance, fat chance of putting all these
(11:36):
kids in a car and getting out of the house alone.
So she created this really beautiful brand and I love it.
You guys always ask about it, so that's what it is.
So the pair that I wear the most are the
pink Flamingo ones. But yeah, Chili and Charlie go and
have a look. Chillian. Charlie's named after some swans that
live out the front of their house. It's really it's
really wholesome. But we love supporting women businesses here. I
do too, and actually this might end up being my vibe.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
At some point, I did think about whether we might
want to do an episode with this particular person I've
started following. The whole account is about the environmental impact
of fashion and clothing and like societal fashion trends and
that kind of thing and how it impacts our lives
and our world. And I saw this video the other
day that was really fascinating to me because I felt
(12:18):
as though I was like, oh, I so align with this,
and I wasn't aware. We are becoming so much more
conscious of the materials that we are putting onto our body.
And I mean that in the sense of like not
necessarily the environmental impact, the health impact because a lot
of these synthetic materials, like there have been some studies
and I don't want to go too far into the science,
(12:38):
but the fact that you know, there are endocrine disruptors
and we shouldn't be having these synthetic materials that can
leach into our skin and blah blah blah blah blah.
Bamboo is meant to be one of the best. It's natural,
and it's really really good. It's especially good for people
like I'm obsessed with leave. It's especially good for people
who have a trouble thermoregulating, so like whether you sweat
or whether you get cold. Bamboos meant to be really good.
(13:00):
But I am also having a much more clear focus
on the materials that my clothes are made out of,
and like, gone are the days that I'm happy paying
hundreds and hundreds of dollars for synthetic shit, Like I
just want better materials. And I think that there's going
to be a push in the future for fashion and
pajamas and all those kind of things. Things that like
active wear that go close on your body being made
(13:22):
out of good materials.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Yeah, well that's it chilling, Charlie. Let's get into the questions.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Okay, question number one, Britt, This question is quite convoluted,
but it's also pretty crazy and I think that you
guys will find this really really interesting. So the title
of this question is someone told my daughter that they're
her half sister and I need help. Okay, strap in
for this one. A little background is that I have
a daughter. She's twelve and in high school. Her dad, unfortunately,
(13:50):
was murdered and passed away eight years ago, which was
big trauma for both of us.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Fast forward to this week. My daughter has a friend
at school.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
She's known her since primary school, but they've gotten quite
close this year. My daughter came home on Wednesday and
told me that her friend had told her a big
secret and that she wasn't allowed to tell me or
anyone else. This friend proceeded to tell my daughter that
she is in fact her half sister because her mum
used to be with my daughter's dad's best friend and
(14:22):
when they were trying to get pregnant, he couldn't, so
my daughter's dad donated sperm. And that's in quotation mark,
So there.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Wasn't an affair. It was just that the daughter's dad
helped their friends out.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Because this is the story that the child has told
her daughter. Now, while this sounds insane and like an
episode of Home in a way, there were some key
facts that were too correct to ignore. For one, they
actually knew the name of my daughter's dad's best friend,
so at a minimum, I know that they did know
each other. After doing some digging, I did find out
(14:55):
that this best friend that we're talking about actually did
have a child with a woman who is now my
daughter's age. My question is what do I do. I've
given the school my details and asked them to pass
it on to her mother because they won't give me
her details. Do I ignore this and do I just
move on? I feel like I can't. My daughter goes
(15:16):
to school with this child. Also, if it is true,
he and I would have been together at the time,
I was either pregnant with our daughter or we were
planning it. So if he did in fact donate this sperm,
he didn't tell me that he was doing it for
this couple. This has severely rocked me and my child,
and I need to know what you.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Would do next. I mean, fuck, it's crazy, right, Well,
I mean it could be crazier. It also could not
be She's twelve, Like she came home and said, hey,
I could be a half sister. That I mean, twelve
year olds say a lot of crazy stuff, like I
don't know what you're expecting from this, Like you're never
ever going to know unless you do a DNA test.
(15:57):
And it's highly likely that she's not going to give
you a DNA test of her daughter that's twelve years old.
If this is true, the mother has told her. The
mother's like, hey, your biological dad is actually you know
the same dad as your friend at school. That means
it's not a surprise to this other mother, this parent, Like,
that's not a surprise. She knows. She's held the secret
for a long time. She's told her order, and she
(16:17):
hasn't involved you at all. I'd be shocked if she
wants to come and involve you. Having said that, if
she's happy enough to tell the daughter, maybe she is.
I don't know. When you say it's rocked to you
and you don't know what to do, I don't know
the answer to that. This is like a pretty crazy story,
especially going back to like your husband being murdered, and
like there are a lot of things going on here,
and I understand you said that you guys are in therapy,
(16:39):
which absolutely is the right place for you guys to be.
But there is a lot that you need to consider
here with your daughter and how involved and how messy
you want to get this and what outcome you want.
So I think you need to decide before you make
a decision on how to go about it and your actions.
You need to decide on what the outcome is, and
then I think work backwards, what outcome do you want,
(17:01):
and then you can put the actions in place. Yeah,
I find this really irresponsible of the other mother totally.
You can't change that.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Twelve is old enough to understand some things that have
emotional complexity. But I think when you're enforcing that information
onto someone else, Like I don't have a problem with
the fact that she has said to her daughter, your
biological background is kind of not what you might think
it is. This is actually where we got some of
your sperm from. And you know that was because we
(17:29):
weren't able to conceive you in the way that we
had been trying to. The fact that she's gone further
and then told you details that affect your daughter's life
is completely irresponsible and really unfair, And I think that
that would be where I would be starting. I mean,
you've said that the school won't give you her details,
but surely if they're at the same school and they're
(17:50):
in the same year, I mean, hopefully you know someone
who will know her, whether it's social media, whether it's
whatever it is.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
So you just wait out in front of the school
toil I pick the kids up or something like there
is a way that you can go.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Then again, that's going to be done in front of
the girls. I think that this needs to be done
between the adults and not involved the children, because yeah,
there's just so many things that a twelve year old
should not be responsible for. Firstly, keeping the secret and
not passing that on to this other girl, but also
I don't think that they have the emotional complexity to
(18:21):
actually understand those types of situations.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
So it's cooked information all for both of those kids.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Yeah, if it were me, I would be finding a
way around the fact that you don't already have her
contact details and finding a way to get them, and
I would be asking for a sit down chat between
the two of you. Not so much because you're like,
I didn't know that he was giving you sperm at
the time, more so much to be like, why did
you pass this information onto your daughter without consulting me first?
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Yeah, and I think that's a bigger issue. I mean,
the issue is obviously a big issue for you to
go and unpack. Hat did he cheat on me at
the time? Why did he do this behind my back?
But that I don't think is the big issue right now.
That's not the most important thing that you're facing. The
most important thing is what is happening to these kids.
They're at a very very impressionable age. They are twelve
years old, both of them. This is pretty big information.
(19:11):
It's very irresponsible of the mum to have done that
in the first place to her daughter. It's a friend
at school. That is huge. To be like, hey, that's
your fucking half sister. Yeah, and then not expect a
twelve year old to go and tell the other girl, Like,
to dump that information on another twelve year old and
unsuspecting twelve year old is absolutely massive. I do agree
that you need to sit down with the parent, but
(19:34):
even if that's just to be like, what the hell
were you thinking? Do not say another word to my
daughter until we figure this out what this is, because
that is not the way to find out who your
dad is. That is absolutely not the way to find
out who maybe your half sister is. I mean, it
makes me think about what kind of I hate to
say it's out loud, what kind of a mother would
do that so irresponsibly and put that on two twelve
(19:56):
year olds without thinking that there might be repercussions from
that and fall out that, Like, it's pretty obvious what
that is going to do to a twelve year old,
to just dump that info on them, knowing that they're
going about to go and blow up some other twelve
year old's life and her mum's life.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Who's already experienced a lot and who has already had
to go through things that like a twelve.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Year old shouldn't have had to.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
So totally, I'm not surprised that you're absolutely rocked by this.
I feel rocked by it, and I'm just reading your question,
But I think after you you know I have found
a way to reach out to her, you will probably
need to come to a decision yourself about what you
want to do, regardless of what information that other mum
(20:37):
is able to give you, So, like, do you want
to know whether they actually do shit, does it matter
to you? Does it matter that they might potentially share biology.
Does that impact the way that you view your previous
partner who isn't around anymore to actually be able to
tell you the details of the story, or like you know,
you also don't know. This sperm could have been donated
(20:59):
and on I like, it could have been from years beforehand.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Is that true?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
It might not have been in the timeframe that you're
thinking it will be.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Regardless, It's weird when you're married. You don't just go
giving your sperm to other people without discussing. You don't
go and have kids elsewhere outside of the marriage without
discussing it, whether it's a donation or not.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
But what I'm saying is that he might have actually
done that five years beforehand. Nah, you never know, Like
you don't know, And I think you just need to
come to a bit of an understanding within yourself of
how much information do you want?
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Do you want the truth about this?
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Do you want to go down the path of kind
of doing a DNA test and actually seeing whether there
is legitimacy to what these claims are.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
For me, I'm just not.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Sure that the truth And again I'm putting that in
quotation marks would impact things for me. I don't think
it would change the way that I would raise my
daughter from then on, and so a part of me
would wonder, well, what's it going to achieve?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Well, I think it impacts a lot. I've got two
twelve year olds that go to school together now that
could be sisters, but you're not going to work out
if they are. That's really big on them.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
But they're not sisters. They weren't raised in the same family.
I share some biological information, you.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Can call it what you want, their sisters if that
comes back, just because they're not raised together biologically, they're
sisters and you would want to know that. And I
think I think the information that you have dumped on
a twelve year old of not knowing would be worse
than knowing. You might do it, find out and do
a DNA test and they're not, and then you just
go about your life and you're like, Wow, that was
crazy that she's been in those lives, Like, let's stick
(22:33):
clear of that. Maybe but maybe they are, and they
you were going to forge some kind of a new
relationship with you know, her half sister.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Yeah, Actually, you know what You've just kind of made
me think about the fact that twelve year olds sometimes
make up shit to be dramatic and to kind of
have an interesting life. We don't necessarily I know that
I've really just come down so hard on the other mum,
But there is also a chance that the twelve year
old girl is kind of it's made up, making up
some details, you know, taking some creative liberties.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
Maybe misinformation. Maybe it did happen, but it was a
different dat or a different guy.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Or and maybe you know that you've said that they've
only gotten quite close this year. Maybe in her kind
of weird way, she thinks that.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
It brings them closer to each other.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Like you just don't really know, But I think your
step one is that you absolutely need to have a
sit down conversation. And maybe going in initially how I
was pretty fired up at the other mum isn't the
best way to go about it. It's probably not the
way that you're going to find a solution. Maybe you
could kind of go to that mum and bring it
up more as a like, hey, look, your daughter has
said this to my daughter, and I don't know whether
(23:36):
she just wanted to have this kind of close serve
relationship with her. I need to talk to you about
whether there's any truth to this, and also if there
is truth to it, why you felt that that was
information that you could share without consulting me. That's how
I would be going about it. But yeah, I really
really bloody feel for you, and I'm interested to know.
I mean, obviously it's hard for us because we don't
(23:57):
have children of our own, so we can't really put
ourselves in this position. But I don't know if there
would be able to be many people who could put
themselves in this position.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
No, but I feel like you still know what you
would want to you can you still know the impact
of something like this on a twelve year old, whether
you're a parent or not, Like this is fucking huge.
But yeah, anyway, all right, next question, underwhelming proposal. My
partner recently proposed, and I wasn't expecting anything big or
over the top, just something thoughtful and meaningful. But the
moment felt rushed, unplanned, and unromantic, and now I feel
(24:27):
disheartened and oddly disconnected. I dread when people ask the
proposal story and I find myself embellishing it. Oh, I
feel really shallow for feeling this way, but I can't
shake it. Am I horrible? Should I tell him how
I'm feeling? Or is that unfair to dump that on him?
I would really appreciate some guidance because I do feel guilty, confused,
(24:48):
and pretty alone sitting with this. Oh, this is hard
because people wait their whole life for an engagement, don't they. Yep,
And I've actually had more than one friend in this
exact position exactly position definitely not me. Ben did well
with a helicopter.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
And what I spoke about with these friends, there were
a couple of things to it. One is that, unfortunately,
you cannot go back and do this again. So we
kind of started to speak about the fact that did
you have unrealistic expectations? Was this influenced by what you
see on social media and the extravagance of the things
(25:25):
that are now before our eyes that we used to
never see, Like it would just be a story that
someone would tell about their partner proposing at a dinner
that they went to, And now it's like some of
the shit you see on Instagram about proposals is just
the most over the top eccentric, you know, confessions of
love that to me feels very over the top and
too much. I would hate it. I remember people want that.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
I remember it used to say I wanted a flash
moob I could think of nothing worse. But I think
that was I think it was a joke. I don't
think I actually wanted it, but that I've always wanted
to be around a flash mob because I thought would
be really cool. Yeah, I think you know.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
The way that I spoke to my friend about or
friends about this situation was, did you have unrealistic expectations
of what this moment was going to be because of
what you've seen, And do we need to kind of
do we need to peel that back a little bit
and just bring you back down to ground. For some
of them, that actually wasn't the case. And for one friend,
(26:21):
the thing that she was most upset about is the
fact that she is a really sentimental person. She didn't
want an over the top, extravagant fireworks and all of
this stuff that was expensive. She wanted heartfelt, she wanted
a really beautiful speech, She wanted free planning, and thought
that was really specific to her and not just this.
(26:43):
Of all, I had the ring, and so I kind
of just figured, like would go and do this, and
then I would just propose then if it felt right.
She was disappointed by the fact that because she's such
a sentimental person and she's the type of person who
puts a lot of thought into gifts and into like
special moments and anniversaries and all that kind of thing,
she had the expectation that her partner would know her
(27:03):
well enough to honor that about her and do the
same for their proposal. The thing that's really hard is
that you can't change it now. It's happened, and whether
you're disappointed about it, I just don't know what telling
your partner the fact that you're disappointed about it is
going to achieve.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Well, the thing here, KESI, she's already said that. She
said that, like, I don't want anything big. I didn't
want over the top. I wanted thoughtful and meaningful. So
she said all those things. But I do think to me,
I really want her and we'll try and find out.
I want her to tell us what happened, what the
moment was, and how he proposed, because to me, it's
giving like rolled over in bed, seized an opportunity, felt
(27:46):
it the moment and did it because she says that
she says it felt unplanned, which makes me feel like
it's something that was really off the cuff and like, oh,
I may as well do it now the sunsetting or whatever.
She said unplanned and rushed and unromant. So I'm getting
like I had a friend once that got proposed to
on the spot because he said the feeling overtook him
(28:06):
in that moment and they were just like making jammed
hosts for breakfast and something about that moment he said
he looked at her and was like, I just want
to marry. I'm fucking I'm just gonna ask her. Seems romantic, underwhelming.
I understand that, and so I think that this feels
when she says rush, unplanned, unromantic. I think it just
feels like I wonder if you even had a ring,
(28:26):
Like I wonder how much detail went into this. So
I would love her to tell me. I don't think
he should feel shallow for feeling that way. And it's
hard to comment without knowing exact situation, but I think
if it really was that underwhelming and you feel like
they put no effort in, I think that that is okay.
Because there's not many big moments in life where you
(28:47):
really want your partner to show up and make you
feel so special. And engagement is literally someone saying I'm
choosing you for the rest of my life. If there's
supposed to be something romantic, it probably should be that moment.
And romantic again doesn't mean the big fireworks. It doesn't
have to be over the top, but it needs to
feel like a little bit of effort and thought was
(29:07):
put into it, not that you're just a side thought
and like, hey, makes sense, let's just get married. So
I understand and want to validate that, like you, if
it really was that underwhelming and rush that, it's okay
for you to feel like that. I don't think you
have to feel guilty for feeling like that. I'm not
sure i'mbellishing the story is the right way to do it. Like,
I don't think lying to people about the engagement is
the right thing. But I did find this really hard
(29:29):
to answer in myself. I was like, I don't know
if the right thing would be to tell him or
if that is going to be a disaster, Yeah, to
make him feel like a really shit person and a failure.
But I asked Ben, and I said, hey, I've read
in the question, and I said, if that was you
as the man, would you want to know, like, would
you want me to say that it didn't hit the
mark for me? And his answer really surprised me. He said, yes, really, yeah,
(29:54):
he said yes, but he said, I think the way
you say it is important. Okay, Benny is quite emotionally
mature and he's very in touch with things like that,
and he's a really great communicator. But he said he
would really want to know if you felt that way,
because he wouldn't want you to sit on that forever
and you can't redo it, but it does give an
(30:14):
opportunity for you to open up in the relationship of saying, okay, hey,
I thought that you were okay with that, and you
need more in your relationship. You need more romance or
more thought, and give him the chance to not do
it again, but in a way know you better and
try and fix it in a way like maybe he
would do something romantic in the lead up to make
you feel the love that you didn't feel at the time.
(30:37):
So he was like, look, you can't go to him
and say like that was fucking shit, do it again. Yeah,
but you can have a sit down and say Hey,
I've really been thinking about it, like, did you like
it felt like that wasn't really planned, Like was that
something that just overtook you in the moment, or you know,
I just I didn't really feel that special kind of
(30:57):
you know, it's the way that you say it. But interestingly, yeah,
Ben said that he would want to know because I
probably would have gone down the track of saying it's
done and you can't change it, move on. But it
does make sense because if you don't ever communicate those
things with your partner about what you need in a
relationship or your love languages, how you give and receive
(31:19):
affection and communication and love, they're never going to know.
But I just think choose your words very carefully. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
I think it also might depend on the personality of
your partner. So, for example, I think a lot of
the time we put ourselves in these situations and think
about how we would do certain things, and some people
just don't handle pressure in the way that we do.
Some people are not good at speeches, they get overwhelmed
with anxiety. And maybe there is an element that your
(31:48):
partner actually had planned this big thing, but they kind
of fumbled it in the moment. And maybe they already
feel a little bit embarrassed of themselves about that because
they weren't able to kind of, you know, be as
confident and is as sure of themselves as what they
would have liked to have been. And so that would
be my worry about bringing it up is if your
partner firstly feels as though, like if your partner feels
(32:10):
differently to you and feels as though they did plan
it and that kind of thing, but then they really
kind of fumbled it in the moment.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
I just don't know what that's going to do to
their sense of like well ego.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
You know, like I think that that would be quite hurtful,
and I think that you might need to evaluate in
your mind, what are the things that I'm actually feeling
disappointed by, and how would I be able to feel
like those are rectified. Like if it was the fact
that he just got down on one knee, maybe he
didn't even get down on a knee, maybe he just
said it to you as like a, hey, how do
(32:41):
you feel about getting married? I think it would be
okay to go to him and say I have always
had this expectation that it would be a bit more
of a romantic. You want to tell me what's specifically
good about me, And the point of doing that before
you actually get married is that you might be able
to change the fact that.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
He'll be more like that in your vows, or he'll
be like.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
That more of if you have an engagement party or
that kind of thing. I think just maybe, like you said, Britt,
it's hard to know without knowing any more details, I'm.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
Gonna find out. We are going to go on, We're
going to go back into dams.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
Yeah, I think you need to kind of work out
within yourself what it is specifically that you're disappointed by
and whether that is something that they will actually be
able to rectify for you.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Yeah, And look, you obviously said yes. You guys love
each other. You've said yes, and you're it's bothering you.
It's really bothering you enough to writing to us. And
it does make sense, like you know, the way Bennis said,
if you're never going to bring those things up. And
it's funny because we say it all the time. If
you don't tell somebody how you're feeling, they don't know.
We can't expect people to be mind readers. This just
(33:43):
is more difficult because it's such a big moment, like
an impending moment.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
That we also can't expect people to be who they're not,
you know, Like, no, I disagree with that someone who's
really confident and all that kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
No, I think that's bullshit. It does it's not about
being confident. It's about like literally your partner might not
be a romantic person, but you need to be able
to step up for an engagement just because it doesn't
come to you naturally. And like, I had this conversation
really early on with Ben where I was really big
on moments for him and like surprising him with stuff,
and more so than usual because we weren't physically together,
(34:17):
so we would put a lot of efforting when we
were together, and he wasn't really reciprocating that. Like he
was always very loving, and I remember saying to him like, hey,
like I'm always like surprising you with stuff and like
trying to keep this really like alive and make you
feel so loved, and like I would love you to
plan something for me as well, Like I'm feeling a
(34:37):
bit like you aren't putting any thought or effort in
And he was mortified. Yeah, and he's like and he
said the same thing. He's like, sorry, that doesn't come
naturally to me. And I didn't even realize that that
was bothering you. And he has been incredible ever since.
And it's not about money and it's not about over
the top. It's the thought and so like, you know,
(34:58):
I would come back to a little no and something
on the bed and just like just different little things.
And he's like, I didn't know unless you Thank God,
you know.
Speaker 2 (35:06):
Yeah, And I think you are right where you say,
like a proposal is an exception, you know, like we
can't expect for people to become an entirely different personality type.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
But they can put the effort. Yeah. I also think
that you are right in saying that, brit All right,
let's we're gonna find out about that because I want
I want that as like an aftermath.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
Question number three is it normal to think about an
ex I'm thirty two and I have been with my
current partner five years. We've always had a solid, stable
relationship and have a one year old baby boy together.
I love my partner. He's very kind, loyal, and reliable.
I feel safe and secure with him. He is a
great dad and very committed to our family. However, our
relationship lacks intimacy and physical connection, and it has since
(35:48):
even before we had the baby. It often feels as
though we are more friends and co parents. We rarely
have sex and minimal kissing and cuddling. My ex and
I were together for six years from the eight of
nineteen to twenty five. So we broke up about eight
years ago. I was deeply in love with him. We
had a really strong connection and were absolutely crazy about
(36:08):
each other. We had an amicable breakup because he had
to move away for work, and so we decided to
go our separate ways. As hard as I have tried
to move on, I still think about him often after
eight years, and I'm so sick of it. I find
myself looking back on our relationship and longing for that
connection that we had. As much as I love my
partner and our life together, I have this niggling feeling
(36:30):
that my ex was the one or the love of
my life.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
My penguin the one that got away.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
And it makes me really sad that I'm never going
to feel that way again with my partner. Is this
a common feeling to have? And if it is, how
do I get over it.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
No, it's not common.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
That's so funny. My answer is completely opposite to yours.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
No, it's not common to think that they're the one
that got away your first relationship. It's common to think
about next occasionally, for sure, But to think that that
person that you were with when you were eighteen years old,
of course, it's different. You're thirty three now with kids, Like,
it's a different relationship you were eighteen years old. The
chemistry and the lack of responsibility makes it a different relationship.
(37:13):
You were in like the most free, young, or consuming
time of your life, and it was your first love.
There is nothing like a first love. Like your first
love hits different for the rest of your life. It
is not normal to be in a relationship and constantly
think that you're with the wrong person and you should
have been with that other person. Like, I think that
(37:34):
you need to take a deeper look at your relationship.
That's the issue. But I do think you are confusing things.
I think you are remembering a relationship that no doubt
was amazing and ended well, and that is very important
because there was no toxicity to it. It was two
people that grew apart because of life, which I think
(37:55):
is really important. By all accounts, it was a great relationship,
but it was a very young first relationship and it
was eight years ago. I do really think that when
you say your partner, you and your partner lack intimacy
and you always have that is something that you can
work on in a relationship, exactly like we just said
in the last question, like it's a you've got to
(38:15):
work out people's love languages and what you want and
what you need. And it's important if one isn't that
kind of a person, and one is that you talk
about it and meet in the middle, like there's always
a way to work around it. But I truly believe,
and I've said this to some friends in the last week.
I've had these conversations with people in my life. You
(38:35):
cannot grow your garden at home if you are just
like still planting all these other seeds elsewhere. And I'm
not saying that you're planting anything.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
It doesn't sound like she's acting on it doesn't sound
like she's reaching out.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
She's not, But her mind is she's constantly thinking about him.
And if you are constantly thinking about him and having
this internal battle in your brain of you are comparing
your relationship, You're like, but that was so good, and
that was an amazing connection. We were soulmates and the
intimacy was good, and I don't have that intimacy in
this relationship. Does that mean that this isn't right because
my ex would have never done that, or my ex
would have made me feel this way, You're not watering
(39:11):
your own garden, Like you need to figure out a
way if you want your relationship to work, to remember
that moment of your life fondly, but move on because
you need to water what's at home. I truly believe that.
And if what's at home isn't right for you, then
it's a different story. But if you are wanting to
make your life work now, I don't think you can
have all these other doors open. I truly don't think
(39:31):
it can, because whether you think it is or not,
it gets in the way of you focusing on what's
right in front of you right now.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
So I feel really quite differently to you, Britt, And
I think it's like there has been years and years
of me speaking about this with friends and the fact
that I know my brain is wired a little differently
to the majority, Like that's being diagnosed with that, and
I think that the one thing that really really helped me.
And I'm kind of talking about like before the current
(39:59):
relationship that I mean, I had a relationship that I
fell head over heels with someone and then we went
our own ways because of distance as well, and you
hit the nail on the head. It's because things didn't
end badly. This person was not, you know, my first love.
I think back on my first love and I have
really positive experiences and I really still think of him in.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
A very, very good way.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
I feel so differently about this guy because we were
never able to get the closure. We were never like
things still ended when we were in the goodness of
the relationship. And it sounds as though even though your
relationship went for a long time, it sounds as though
everything was still great for you and you separated because
of reasons that you didn't necessarily have control over. And
(40:44):
it is so hard to get closure when that is
your situation. And for that reason, I think it is
so easy to get caught in the trap of looking
back on it with the most rose colored glasses that
are so unrealistic to your current situation and genuinely hand
on my heart. I have battled with this four years
(41:05):
because I spent I think about three years after that
guy and I broke up every relationship I was attempting
to get in. Every person I was dating, I was
comparing to him, and I was comparing to our experiences
and the fun that I had, And there was this
part of me that was like, maybe that was meant
(41:25):
to be my person. But the reality is is that
if you were still with that person, I genuinely believe
that you would probably be having the exact same issues
that you were having now in your relationship. Biology has
a lot to do with it. We lose a lot
of our sex drive as we get you know, you've
got a baby, like, things do change and the way
that we view life and live life changes. And so
(41:46):
while you will think back on this previous person with
such good positive feelings, I don't think it's fair to
compare your current situation to what that was because they're
just you're comparing apples and oranges. You're comparing yourself as
a different person in a different relationship, Like you were
a different person eight years ago to who you are now.
Speaker 1 (42:08):
The early twenties is different to early thirties.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Yeah, yeah, and I think because you didn't have the
closure of that relationship ending because he was a bad person,
or because he cheated on you, or because he put.
Speaker 1 (42:18):
You through all these things, and maybe you guys would
end up in a dry spell as well.
Speaker 2 (42:22):
Like it's really really hard to grapple in your brain
and kind of go, I don't think I'm remembering this
with complete clarity.
Speaker 1 (42:31):
I all haven't manticize Sondred percent.
Speaker 2 (42:33):
We pick and choose these beautiful memories, and we kind
of think and we forget about the little bits of
insecurities that we might have had or some of the
things that seemed more mundane. And yet we compare our
current situations that are very mundane, because that's what real
life is. We compare it to these times where we
had such rose colored glasses. So my answer to this
(42:55):
is actually, in my experience with myself and my friends,
I think it is quite to compare, you know, a
previous situation if you didn't have closure from it, to
your current relationship.
Speaker 1 (43:06):
But I really.
Speaker 2 (43:07):
Encourage you to really really sit down with yourself and
be like, Okay, I actually don't think I am being
realistic about this comparison.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
Well, you're also saying, you know, like we have minimal
kissing and cuddling, we rarely have sex. We feel like
more friends than co parents. You've also said you've been
together for five years and have a one year old.
You are in the thick of it, like.
Speaker 2 (43:27):
Yeah, you know what you didn't have from the guy
who left because he moved away for work stability. You
know what gets the little dopamine senses going, lack of stability.
Speaker 1 (43:36):
You've also got to remember you can't just compare relationship
to relationship. You have to compare the whole holistic view
of it. When you were eight, between eighteen and twenty three,
twenty four to twenty five, chances are you don't have hectic,
full time jobs. You're not in a huge amount of debt,
you don't have mortgages, you didn't have a one year
old baby. Your hormones are different, you're not as tired
(43:58):
like the relationship tipically is completely different. When you were
twenty years old to thirty two with life stress, societal
pressures are baby and mortgages, they're just different. So you
are more likely to be having sex and being intimate
and having fun because you don't have the responsibility at
that age, so it's not just as simple. Unfortunately, it's
(44:19):
been like we still laugh more, we don't laugh as
this relationship doesn't laugh as much. Like we were so
much more spontaneous than than we are now. You can't
compare it like that, but it's very easy for our
brain to do that. Yeah, I do think that it
is something in your relationship that you can work on
for sure. First of all, rarely having sex. You do
have a one year old, so that is not shocking.
(44:40):
Most people that I know that have had kids, family members, friends,
a lot of them have aren't even having sex at
all in the first year, like very very sporadically because
you don't feel like it and you don't want it.
The other part is you have said it's always been
like that with this person, so he obviously is maybe
not over physical person or intimate person. But that doesn't
(45:02):
mean you can't be like That doesn't mean that you
guys can't sit down and say that you need more
from it, especially when you're lacking the sex part for now.
The other connection, intimacy, I think is really important, just
making sure you're checking in with each other. Intimacy doesn't
have to be sexual We've spoken about that a lot,
so you might just not be feeling loved or desired
(45:23):
or just getting anything else that you need physically, whether
it's a neck rub, that extra cuddle, a kire so,
whatever it is. But I do think, again I said
it at the start, you need to be focusing on
what is in front of you right now, because that's
what real life is.
Speaker 2 (45:39):
Yeah, I agree, And I think that we often confuse
this desire for novelty with like a lack of intimacy.
Speaker 1 (45:46):
At least for myself, I do.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
And one of the ways that I can kind of
get that buzz back and get the happy feelings back
again is just by doing novel things, which you probably
did do in your past relationship because you were young
and you were going and doing fun things that eighteen
to twenty five year olds do. And so that's even
more of a stark comparison now that you have a
very stable, routined life.
Speaker 1 (46:08):
And I'm not.
Speaker 2 (46:08):
Necessarily talking about like a sexual novelty. I'm talking more
about just the two things that I think really helped
me and I hope can help you. Is firstly, acknowledging
the fact that you are comparing apples to oranges. And
I'm not just talking about the guys that you're with,
You're actually comparing yourself in a way that is not
a fair comparison. You're not the same person that you
(46:29):
were back in that previous relationship. So just getting a
bit real with that and just going I can't expect
for this to feel the same as what it did
because I'm not the same and my situation isn't the same.
And the other thing is bringing in a little bit
more novelty to your relationship because the things that you
were doing when you were like eighteen to twenty five
are very different to what you're doing now eight years later.
(46:50):
When you know, we think about what you used to
do when you were eighteen to twenty five. Used to
be going and doing funshit with your friends all the time.
You were going and checking out new things and like
getting these new experience, it says, And now you're in
a situation where you're in life in a stable, reliable,
which are really good qualities that you need to have
in a long term partner.
Speaker 1 (47:09):
But you're probably also super in routine because you've got
a one year old together. But also, relationships are work,
they take work, They take effort. They have highs and
they have lows, and they have monotony, and that's all
a normal part of it. You're never going to be
in a relationship for the rest of your life that
doesn't have that, And you're in that now. You're in it,
but it doesn't mean you have to be stuck in it.
But you do need to put effort into a relationship
(47:31):
at times, and now sounds like one of those times
that you need to just like focus on home and
work out what your issues are, why you have the issues,
and just literally put a bit of effort into at home.
I'm not saying you don't put effort into it, but
you might not have had the conversation really openly and
rawly with your partner about what's lacking and what you need.
But I can tell you one way it's not going
to help is to be living in the past ten
(47:52):
years ago and thinking about what if, because what if
it's done? It's not real life. Yeah, I agree, guys,
that is it from us. We have to get out
of here. Please keep your questions coming in ask uncut
to the DMS. You can email them in if you want.
All your accent on filters as well. That's Life un
Cup podcast on Instagram or hello at lifehun cut podcast
dot com if you want to email us and make
(48:13):
sure you hit subscribe, and watch all the ask gun
cuts on our YouTube channel, you.
Speaker 2 (48:18):
Know, the drill Take dot take friends and share the
love because we love them.
Speaker 1 (48:22):
We love
This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
welcome back to another episode of Life on put I'm Brittany.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
And I'm Keisha, and this is where we unpack all
of your deep, dark and burning questions. And britt I'm
coming in hot today with a question of my own.
I think you would struggle to find people who claimed
that they loved dogs more than us. You know, we're
both very big dog people. But I came across a
video on Instagram yesterday. It's becoming my Roman Empire. I
(00:35):
can't stop thinking about it, and I find it.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Very, very, very strange.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
So this video was between you know, Darren Palmer, the
guy who is one of the judges on the Block yep,
and Scottie Kam who he was from that gardening the
show a million years ago and now.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
He's the block host.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Everyone knows Scotti Camp Yeah, okay, So something that a
lot of people will know about him is that he's
like a dog guy. You know, he has working breaths,
and he seems to love his dogs and he trains
them and yadda YadA.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
That was all fine. I really liked that about Scotty.
I thought that trained.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
I thought that was quite endearing until the next part
this video.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
They seem to be on some type of podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I know the details of where I got this information
from probably aren't the most important part, but I could
have done a bit more research to bring it to you.
But I have clarified the details from an article. Darren
was asking Scotty about how much he loves his dogs,
and Scotty ended up responding that he loves his dogs
so much that two of his previous dogs who have
(01:32):
passed away have been professionally taxi dormied and free stride
and they now live in his house.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Ornaments snow freeze dride makes me think of just like
mango slices freeze dride, you know, like snap frozen step frozen.
Like yeah, okay, So just to clarify to everybody.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Scotty currently when he was doing this interview, has a
dog who is alive right now that has to walk past.
It's complete life sized taxidermy ex siblings that have passed on.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
You have a problem with this, A you don't have
a problem. Okay. Firstly, I'm sorry that I'm being this harsh.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
I usually try to kind of understand other people's perspectives.
The idea of taxidermy is so creepy to me. There
is like, as much as I love dogs, there is
no part of me that thinks I would emotionally be
able to cope with walking past a stuffed version of
an animal that I loved so deeply.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Oh, I think it's fine. I think it's fine. I'm
on Scottie Camp's side. I think it's fine.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
And you're gonna stuff Delilah when she passes away and
have her in your house as like an ornament, as
like a sculpture.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
By the sea, that is Delilah. No, it's not for me,
but I understand why Scott has done it. He just
says it's the perfect way to honor a pet. He
says he's so obsessed and in love with it that
he wants to remember it for the rest of time.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
I just don't think I need to have it stuffed
in my house to remember it.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Look, it's not for everyone, and it's different, okay, taxidomin
For me, all this shit is weird, you know, hunting,
When you go into someone's house and there's like a
head on the wall or something disgusting, like disgusting, I
can't stand that. I can't stand looking at it. I
can't stand the reason why. It's a flex that like, oh,
I'm so manly that I killed this poor animal. Like
I don't like that. That's not what this is. This
(03:24):
is like the your this is his beloved pet. That
he is obsessed with dogs. He says he's had a
dog since he was born. He's had multiple dogs at
a time, like it is his literal best friend. And
in this case, I think it's okay that he's taxidomy them.
It's not for me, like I'm not gonna put Delilah in,
But I understand his why, I really do. Here's a quote.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
She's in my house now, collar and ears up, ready
to go, and I say good day to her every
night when I get home. I know it's not for everyone,
but I like it. She was too good to bury.
And as for plans of his future, he said, I've
told my wife that by the time i'm eighty, I'm
gonna have three or four dogs lined up in the
lounge room. I'm crying perfect No, I'm actually sorry. I
(04:07):
feel so sorry for the dog that is alive. Imagine
having to look at that. I imagine having to go
past it and be like, I remember you, Barry, I
remember when you were alive. Well, my friend that I
used to play with, I didn't.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
I think I've got to emotion. I think it's beautiful.
He walks in every day and says hello and it's
ready to go. I think it's really nice. It was
his best friend for a really long time. You're being
too harsh. I'm not being too harsh. You're oh strange.
It's not strange. It's strange. And I feel most sorry
for the dog that's currently still alive, because he's just
looking at what's coming. The dog doesn't know. The dog
(04:40):
just thinks it's the dogs. No, it doesn't know how.
Dogs are smarter than us. Brittany, I told Delilah to
sit twenty five times yesterday at the park, and she
didn't do it. She knows how to, she chooses not to.
I don't think Scottie Cam's alive. Dog walks past the
side eyes he's like, oh fuck, that's where I'm ending up.
I do. I think think that that's what he's thinking.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
And I typically try to not yuck other people's yums,
but this really has changed my opinion of Scottie Kam.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
I find it really odd. Maybe he's frothing. Maybe that
dog's like fuck yeah, like you know what it kind
of don't you get froth at the mouth? You know why,
because it's stuck. It's all so different because he even says,
like you think about his reasoning, she's too good to
go in the ground. I actually love that. I just
I don't think it's anything wrong with it. Is there
(05:26):
a bit of an issue with it been on display
in the lound room? Maybe maybe it needs to be
a study dog, Like I don't think it needs to
be when you're having Christmas, Like, but you know what
I mean, Like, I think it's within reason. I don't
think you should walk into someone's house and every pet
they've ever had it's like hanging off the wall and
on the mantelpiece, and like you walk into the kitchen
and for breakfast and there's Frankie, Like.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
What happened to a photo? What happened to a photo
where you put the collar next to it and you
still think of your loved ones. Don't get me wrong,
I'm a dog person. I absolutely love nothing more than
what I love the dogs in my life, and it's
the life size tons of it as well.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
It's not this chat of it or its size. Yes,
it's interesting. You're the majority for sure, Like most people
woul think taxidermy is strange. Most people, I think if
you asked and polled them, would not taxidermy their pairs
one hundred percent. I'm one of them. I'm in the
category of not, Like, don't ever think you're gonna walk
into my house and Delilah is going to be on
(06:19):
my wall like hope not. No, she's not going to
add that to your shrine. Then it would be a shrine.
It would be a life sized Trundlia would be bigger
than my shrine. That's the funny thing. My pictures are
so small on my wall. No, she's been on a diet,
she's been losing bait, should be fine. I don't know
what I would I think I told you this the
other day. I don't know if I actually said on
the podcast, but I said it to you. Kish I'm
(06:41):
going to cry and what is wrong with me? I'm
so hormonal. I was in the morning. I woke up
with Deliah and I was talking to her, and I'm
going to spend like way more time traveling next year.
And there's like big good, there'll be big chunks of
time that I'll be away. And I was talking to
die because I talked to her like she's a human,
and I was patting her, and I started to say, like,
don't forget me when I go, and I'm gonna come
(07:02):
back and I'll always come back for you, like and
I started crying. I'm crying now. I was like, I'll
always be back for you, and you're gonna have the
best time when you stay with Anaikeisha. And I was
talking to her and I was so upset, and then
I started thinking about like what my life will be
like without her one day and I can't so maybe
I will taxidermy I fuck it, I'm taxi Wow, what
a ride that was. I'm gonna taxidermio. I'm like, I'm
(07:24):
not okay.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
I'm not okay with you taxidrbiying Lyley. I love her,
I love her so thoroughly. I just find it kind
of strange. I'm gonna move on.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Is absolutely my unsubscribed for the week. You're into taxi
derbiying your pets.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
I'm sorry, I just don't know if we're ever gonna
see eye to eye. But I have a really really
good vibe for this week, and it's someone that britt
I reckon. You actually might want to have her on
at some point to do like a guest interview episode.
So her name on Instagram, her account name is the
Emily D.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Baker.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Now, she was a prior LA deputy district attorney. Oh
I think I've seen I feel like you would have.
So this is kind of for the true crimey people,
but it's also if you're into pop culture, because I'm
not really a true crime gal until it crosses over
into the less serious pop culture crime and then I'm
right on board. So she is a lawyer or was
(08:16):
a lawyer, was this you know, previously deputy district attorney
and she breaks down all of these legal cases, so
you know that I was absolutely obsessed with this case.
But it was the Karen Reid case. So she was
the one who back in twenty twenty two, her boyfriend
was found dead in the snow and she was initially
(08:36):
charged with manslaughter and second degree murder and she ended
up getting acquitted of those charges and it turned out
to be this weird police cover up. Like remember, it
was the most bizarre story.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
But Emily.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
I actually started following her a couple of months ago
when that case was all unfolding, because there was so
many intricacies to it that I just didn't understand. And
obviously they've got a different legal system over there, but
at the moment, she was breaking down certain things that
have happened with like the Real Housewives of I'm not
actually not sure.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
The Real Housewives are somewhere.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
They've been done for insurance fraud, and so she's going
through all of these cases. She went through the Ditty
case more recently as well, and I just find her
so utterly fascinating. She gets on Twitch and does these
live streams, and she puts the videos on Instagram, and
she's also got a podcast called The Emily Show Podcast
where she talks about, you know, what's going on in
(09:29):
the courtrooms and how different legal systems work, and it's
all related to like the cases that you want to
hear about. So I find it really really interesting, and
I think that anyone who enjoys that kind of crime
pop culture crossover will also really like her. But I
think she'd be a fascinating person to interview.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
You've already reached out, haven't you. No, I haven't yet.
I wanted to check it by you first and see
how you felt.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Because of the team, Brude is definitely like the true
crime girlie.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Yeah, I'm a sick go for it yeah, and I'm
not a sick. Oh. I get a little bit scared
by it.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
It makes me quite anxious, but she makes me less
anxious because she makes me understand it.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Okay, adding to list for sure. My vibe it's a
quick one this week. It is these pajamas that I
have been wearing a lot on my stories. So, like
you know, I wear pajamas a lot in my life.
If I'm not an active where chances aren't really my pajamas,
but I've had a lot of questions about it when
they appear in my stories. I've got a few pairs
of them. But there's one particular set that is like
(10:26):
white and pink flamingos and it is so comfortable, and
every time I wear it, people message me and say
where's it from. It is from a brand called Chili
and Charlie, and they make bamboo sleepwear. It is the
most comfortable, beautiful sleepwear and it's not it's almost made
like you could wear it out and people wouldn't be like, oh,
(10:46):
you're in your pajamas, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Like they're like a couple of years ago, we went
through that fashion where it was something started to look
like pajamas.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, I had heaps of it. I said it was clothing.
It was my pajama set. But they're like sets that
could be like there's plain black sets or whatever else
that could be looked like you could wear the shirt
open and whatever. Anyhow, her name's Tani the founder. I
know her. I've actually known her for a long time,
so I don't want to pretend like I don't. But
I'm not vibing it because I know her. I'm vibing
it because you guys are always asking me about it. Keisha,
(11:15):
I know you have a set. But she is a
mum of four. Again, we love supporting small businesses, and
she literally started the brand because she had four kids
under four or something wild like that. She has twins.
But she was like, I need to be comfortable at home.
I'm always in my pajamas because I'm trapped at home
with four kids under four. Like She's like going out
was like fat chance, fat chance of putting all these
(11:36):
kids in a car and getting out of the house alone.
So she created this really beautiful brand and I love it.
You guys always ask about it, so that's what it is.
So the pair that I wear the most are the
pink Flamingo ones. But yeah, Chili and Charlie go and
have a look. Chillian. Charlie's named after some swans that
live out the front of their house. It's really it's
really wholesome. But we love supporting women businesses here. I
do too, and actually this might end up being my vibe.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
At some point, I did think about whether we might
want to do an episode with this particular person I've
started following. The whole account is about the environmental impact
of fashion and clothing and like societal fashion trends and
that kind of thing and how it impacts our lives
and our world. And I saw this video the other
day that was really fascinating to me because I felt
(12:18):
as though I was like, oh, I so align with this,
and I wasn't aware. We are becoming so much more
conscious of the materials that we are putting onto our body.
And I mean that in the sense of like not
necessarily the environmental impact, the health impact because a lot
of these synthetic materials, like there have been some studies
and I don't want to go too far into the science,
(12:38):
but the fact that you know, there are endocrine disruptors
and we shouldn't be having these synthetic materials that can
leach into our skin and blah blah blah blah blah.
Bamboo is meant to be one of the best. It's natural,
and it's really really good. It's especially good for people
like I'm obsessed with leave. It's especially good for people
who have a trouble thermoregulating, so like whether you sweat
or whether you get cold. Bamboos meant to be really good.
(13:00):
But I am also having a much more clear focus
on the materials that my clothes are made out of,
and like, gone are the days that I'm happy paying
hundreds and hundreds of dollars for synthetic shit, Like I
just want better materials. And I think that there's going
to be a push in the future for fashion and
pajamas and all those kind of things. Things that like
active wear that go close on your body being made
(13:22):
out of good materials.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Yeah, well that's it chilling, Charlie. Let's get into the questions.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Okay, question number one, Britt, This question is quite convoluted,
but it's also pretty crazy and I think that you
guys will find this really really interesting. So the title
of this question is someone told my daughter that they're
her half sister and I need help. Okay, strap in
for this one. A little background is that I have
a daughter. She's twelve and in high school. Her dad, unfortunately,
(13:50):
was murdered and passed away eight years ago, which was
big trauma for both of us.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Fast forward to this week. My daughter has a friend
at school.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
She's known her since primary school, but they've gotten quite
close this year. My daughter came home on Wednesday and
told me that her friend had told her a big
secret and that she wasn't allowed to tell me or
anyone else. This friend proceeded to tell my daughter that
she is in fact her half sister because her mum
used to be with my daughter's dad's best friend and
(14:22):
when they were trying to get pregnant, he couldn't, so
my daughter's dad donated sperm. And that's in quotation mark,
So there.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Wasn't an affair. It was just that the daughter's dad
helped their friends out.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Because this is the story that the child has told
her daughter. Now, while this sounds insane and like an
episode of Home in a way, there were some key
facts that were too correct to ignore. For one, they
actually knew the name of my daughter's dad's best friend,
so at a minimum, I know that they did know
each other. After doing some digging, I did find out
(14:55):
that this best friend that we're talking about actually did
have a child with a woman who is now my
daughter's age. My question is what do I do. I've
given the school my details and asked them to pass
it on to her mother because they won't give me
her details. Do I ignore this and do I just
move on? I feel like I can't. My daughter goes
(15:16):
to school with this child. Also, if it is true,
he and I would have been together at the time,
I was either pregnant with our daughter or we were
planning it. So if he did in fact donate this sperm,
he didn't tell me that he was doing it for
this couple. This has severely rocked me and my child,
and I need to know what you.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Would do next. I mean, fuck, it's crazy, right, Well,
I mean it could be crazier. It also could not
be She's twelve, Like she came home and said, hey,
I could be a half sister. That I mean, twelve
year olds say a lot of crazy stuff, like I
don't know what you're expecting from this, Like you're never
ever going to know unless you do a DNA test.
(15:57):
And it's highly likely that she's not going to give
you a DNA test of her daughter that's twelve years old.
If this is true, the mother has told her. The
mother's like, hey, your biological dad is actually you know
the same dad as your friend at school. That means
it's not a surprise to this other mother, this parent, Like,
that's not a surprise. She knows. She's held the secret
for a long time. She's told her order, and she
(16:17):
hasn't involved you at all. I'd be shocked if she
wants to come and involve you. Having said that, if
she's happy enough to tell the daughter, maybe she is.
I don't know. When you say it's rocked to you
and you don't know what to do, I don't know
the answer to that. This is like a pretty crazy story,
especially going back to like your husband being murdered, and
like there are a lot of things going on here,
and I understand you said that you guys are in therapy,
(16:39):
which absolutely is the right place for you guys to be.
But there is a lot that you need to consider
here with your daughter and how involved and how messy
you want to get this and what outcome you want.
So I think you need to decide before you make
a decision on how to go about it and your actions.
You need to decide on what the outcome is, and
then I think work backwards, what outcome do you want,
(17:01):
and then you can put the actions in place. Yeah,
I find this really irresponsible of the other mother totally.
You can't change that.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Twelve is old enough to understand some things that have
emotional complexity. But I think when you're enforcing that information
onto someone else, Like I don't have a problem with
the fact that she has said to her daughter, your
biological background is kind of not what you might think
it is. This is actually where we got some of
your sperm from. And you know that was because we
(17:29):
weren't able to conceive you in the way that we
had been trying to. The fact that she's gone further
and then told you details that affect your daughter's life
is completely irresponsible and really unfair, And I think that
that would be where I would be starting. I mean,
you've said that the school won't give you her details,
but surely if they're at the same school and they're
(17:50):
in the same year, I mean, hopefully you know someone
who will know her, whether it's social media, whether it's
whatever it is.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
So you just wait out in front of the school
toil I pick the kids up or something like there
is a way that you can go.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Then again, that's going to be done in front of
the girls. I think that this needs to be done
between the adults and not involved the children, because yeah,
there's just so many things that a twelve year old
should not be responsible for. Firstly, keeping the secret and
not passing that on to this other girl, but also
I don't think that they have the emotional complexity to
(18:21):
actually understand those types of situations.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
So it's cooked information all for both of those kids.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Yeah, if it were me, I would be finding a
way around the fact that you don't already have her
contact details and finding a way to get them, and
I would be asking for a sit down chat between
the two of you. Not so much because you're like,
I didn't know that he was giving you sperm at
the time, more so much to be like, why did
you pass this information onto your daughter without consulting me first?
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Yeah, and I think that's a bigger issue. I mean,
the issue is obviously a big issue for you to
go and unpack. Hat did he cheat on me at
the time? Why did he do this behind my back?
But that I don't think is the big issue right now.
That's not the most important thing that you're facing. The
most important thing is what is happening to these kids.
They're at a very very impressionable age. They are twelve
years old, both of them. This is pretty big information.
(19:11):
It's very irresponsible of the mum to have done that
in the first place to her daughter. It's a friend
at school. That is huge. To be like, hey, that's
your fucking half sister. Yeah, and then not expect a
twelve year old to go and tell the other girl, Like,
to dump that information on another twelve year old and
unsuspecting twelve year old is absolutely massive. I do agree
that you need to sit down with the parent, but
(19:34):
even if that's just to be like, what the hell
were you thinking? Do not say another word to my
daughter until we figure this out what this is, because
that is not the way to find out who your
dad is. That is absolutely not the way to find
out who maybe your half sister is. I mean, it
makes me think about what kind of I hate to
say it's out loud, what kind of a mother would
do that so irresponsibly and put that on two twelve
(19:56):
year olds without thinking that there might be repercussions from
that and fall out that, Like, it's pretty obvious what
that is going to do to a twelve year old,
to just dump that info on them, knowing that they're
going about to go and blow up some other twelve
year old's life and her mum's life.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Who's already experienced a lot and who has already had
to go through things that like a twelve.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Year old shouldn't have had to.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
So totally, I'm not surprised that you're absolutely rocked by this.
I feel rocked by it, and I'm just reading your question,
But I think after you you know I have found
a way to reach out to her, you will probably
need to come to a decision yourself about what you
want to do, regardless of what information that other mum
(20:37):
is able to give you, So, like, do you want
to know whether they actually do shit, does it matter
to you? Does it matter that they might potentially share biology.
Does that impact the way that you view your previous
partner who isn't around anymore to actually be able to
tell you the details of the story, or like you know,
you also don't know. This sperm could have been donated
(20:59):
and on I like, it could have been from years beforehand.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Is that true?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
It might not have been in the timeframe that you're
thinking it will be.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Regardless, It's weird when you're married. You don't just go
giving your sperm to other people without discussing. You don't
go and have kids elsewhere outside of the marriage without
discussing it, whether it's a donation or not.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
But what I'm saying is that he might have actually
done that five years beforehand. Nah, you never know, Like
you don't know, And I think you just need to
come to a bit of an understanding within yourself of
how much information do you want?
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Do you want the truth about this?
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Do you want to go down the path of kind
of doing a DNA test and actually seeing whether there
is legitimacy to what these claims are.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
For me, I'm just not.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Sure that the truth And again I'm putting that in
quotation marks would impact things for me. I don't think
it would change the way that I would raise my
daughter from then on, and so a part of me
would wonder, well, what's it going to achieve?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Well, I think it impacts a lot. I've got two
twelve year olds that go to school together now that
could be sisters, but you're not going to work out
if they are. That's really big on them.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
But they're not sisters. They weren't raised in the same family.
I share some biological information, you.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Can call it what you want, their sisters if that
comes back, just because they're not raised together biologically, they're
sisters and you would want to know that. And I
think I think the information that you have dumped on
a twelve year old of not knowing would be worse
than knowing. You might do it, find out and do
a DNA test and they're not, and then you just
go about your life and you're like, Wow, that was
crazy that she's been in those lives, Like, let's stick
(22:33):
clear of that. Maybe but maybe they are, and they
you were going to forge some kind of a new
relationship with you know, her half sister.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Yeah, Actually, you know what You've just kind of made
me think about the fact that twelve year olds sometimes
make up shit to be dramatic and to kind of
have an interesting life. We don't necessarily I know that
I've really just come down so hard on the other mum,
But there is also a chance that the twelve year
old girl is kind of it's made up, making up
some details, you know, taking some creative liberties.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
Maybe misinformation. Maybe it did happen, but it was a
different dat or a different guy.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Or and maybe you know that you've said that they've
only gotten quite close this year. Maybe in her kind
of weird way, she thinks that.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
It brings them closer to each other.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Like you just don't really know, But I think your
step one is that you absolutely need to have a
sit down conversation. And maybe going in initially how I
was pretty fired up at the other mum isn't the
best way to go about it. It's probably not the
way that you're going to find a solution. Maybe you
could kind of go to that mum and bring it
up more as a like, hey, look, your daughter has
said this to my daughter, and I don't know whether
(23:36):
she just wanted to have this kind of close serve
relationship with her. I need to talk to you about
whether there's any truth to this, and also if there
is truth to it, why you felt that that was
information that you could share without consulting me. That's how
I would be going about it. But yeah, I really
really bloody feel for you, and I'm interested to know.
I mean, obviously it's hard for us because we don't
(23:57):
have children of our own, so we can't really put
ourselves in this position. But I don't know if there
would be able to be many people who could put
themselves in this position.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
No, but I feel like you still know what you
would want to you can you still know the impact
of something like this on a twelve year old, whether
you're a parent or not, Like this is fucking huge.
But yeah, anyway, all right, next question, underwhelming proposal. My
partner recently proposed, and I wasn't expecting anything big or
over the top, just something thoughtful and meaningful. But the
moment felt rushed, unplanned, and unromantic, and now I feel
(24:27):
disheartened and oddly disconnected. I dread when people ask the
proposal story and I find myself embellishing it. Oh, I
feel really shallow for feeling this way, but I can't
shake it. Am I horrible? Should I tell him how
I'm feeling? Or is that unfair to dump that on him?
I would really appreciate some guidance because I do feel guilty, confused,
(24:48):
and pretty alone sitting with this. Oh, this is hard
because people wait their whole life for an engagement, don't they. Yep,
And I've actually had more than one friend in this
exact position exactly position definitely not me. Ben did well
with a helicopter.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
And what I spoke about with these friends, there were
a couple of things to it. One is that, unfortunately,
you cannot go back and do this again. So we
kind of started to speak about the fact that did
you have unrealistic expectations? Was this influenced by what you
see on social media and the extravagance of the things
(25:25):
that are now before our eyes that we used to
never see, Like it would just be a story that
someone would tell about their partner proposing at a dinner
that they went to, And now it's like some of
the shit you see on Instagram about proposals is just
the most over the top eccentric, you know, confessions of
love that to me feels very over the top and
too much. I would hate it. I remember people want that.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
I remember it used to say I wanted a flash
moob I could think of nothing worse. But I think
that was I think it was a joke. I don't
think I actually wanted it, but that I've always wanted
to be around a flash mob because I thought would
be really cool. Yeah, I think you know.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
The way that I spoke to my friend about or
friends about this situation was, did you have unrealistic expectations
of what this moment was going to be because of
what you've seen, And do we need to kind of
do we need to peel that back a little bit
and just bring you back down to ground. For some
of them, that actually wasn't the case. And for one friend,
(26:21):
the thing that she was most upset about is the
fact that she is a really sentimental person. She didn't
want an over the top, extravagant fireworks and all of
this stuff that was expensive. She wanted heartfelt, she wanted
a really beautiful speech, She wanted free planning, and thought
that was really specific to her and not just this.
(26:43):
Of all, I had the ring, and so I kind
of just figured, like would go and do this, and
then I would just propose then if it felt right.
She was disappointed by the fact that because she's such
a sentimental person and she's the type of person who
puts a lot of thought into gifts and into like
special moments and anniversaries and all that kind of thing,
she had the expectation that her partner would know her
(27:03):
well enough to honor that about her and do the
same for their proposal. The thing that's really hard is
that you can't change it now. It's happened, and whether
you're disappointed about it, I just don't know what telling
your partner the fact that you're disappointed about it is
going to achieve.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Well, the thing here, KESI, she's already said that. She
said that, like, I don't want anything big. I didn't
want over the top. I wanted thoughtful and meaningful. So
she said all those things. But I do think to me,
I really want her and we'll try and find out.
I want her to tell us what happened, what the
moment was, and how he proposed, because to me, it's
giving like rolled over in bed, seized an opportunity, felt
(27:46):
it the moment and did it because she says that
she says it felt unplanned, which makes me feel like
it's something that was really off the cuff and like, oh,
I may as well do it now the sunsetting or whatever.
She said unplanned and rushed and unromant. So I'm getting
like I had a friend once that got proposed to
on the spot because he said the feeling overtook him
(28:06):
in that moment and they were just like making jammed
hosts for breakfast and something about that moment he said
he looked at her and was like, I just want
to marry. I'm fucking I'm just gonna ask her. Seems romantic, underwhelming.
I understand that, and so I think that this feels
when she says rush, unplanned, unromantic. I think it just
feels like I wonder if you even had a ring,
(28:26):
Like I wonder how much detail went into this. So
I would love her to tell me. I don't think
he should feel shallow for feeling that way. And it's
hard to comment without knowing exact situation, but I think
if it really was that underwhelming and you feel like
they put no effort in, I think that that is okay.
Because there's not many big moments in life where you
(28:47):
really want your partner to show up and make you
feel so special. And engagement is literally someone saying I'm
choosing you for the rest of my life. If there's
supposed to be something romantic, it probably should be that moment.
And romantic again doesn't mean the big fireworks. It doesn't
have to be over the top, but it needs to
feel like a little bit of effort and thought was
(29:07):
put into it, not that you're just a side thought
and like, hey, makes sense, let's just get married. So
I understand and want to validate that, like you, if
it really was that underwhelming and rush that, it's okay
for you to feel like that. I don't think you
have to feel guilty for feeling like that. I'm not
sure i'mbellishing the story is the right way to do it. Like,
I don't think lying to people about the engagement is
the right thing. But I did find this really hard
(29:29):
to answer in myself. I was like, I don't know
if the right thing would be to tell him or
if that is going to be a disaster, Yeah, to
make him feel like a really shit person and a failure.
But I asked Ben, and I said, hey, I've read
in the question, and I said, if that was you
as the man, would you want to know, like, would
you want me to say that it didn't hit the
mark for me? And his answer really surprised me. He said, yes, really, yeah,
(29:54):
he said yes, but he said, I think the way
you say it is important. Okay, Benny is quite emotionally
mature and he's very in touch with things like that,
and he's a really great communicator. But he said he
would really want to know if you felt that way,
because he wouldn't want you to sit on that forever
and you can't redo it, but it does give an
(30:14):
opportunity for you to open up in the relationship of saying, okay, hey,
I thought that you were okay with that, and you
need more in your relationship. You need more romance or
more thought, and give him the chance to not do
it again, but in a way know you better and
try and fix it in a way like maybe he
would do something romantic in the lead up to make
you feel the love that you didn't feel at the time.
(30:37):
So he was like, look, you can't go to him
and say like that was fucking shit, do it again. Yeah,
but you can have a sit down and say Hey,
I've really been thinking about it, like, did you like
it felt like that wasn't really planned, Like was that
something that just overtook you in the moment, or you know,
I just I didn't really feel that special kind of
(30:57):
you know, it's the way that you say it. But interestingly, yeah,
Ben said that he would want to know because I
probably would have gone down the track of saying it's
done and you can't change it, move on. But it
does make sense because if you don't ever communicate those
things with your partner about what you need in a
relationship or your love languages, how you give and receive
(31:19):
affection and communication and love, they're never going to know.
But I just think choose your words very carefully. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
I think it also might depend on the personality of
your partner. So, for example, I think a lot of
the time we put ourselves in these situations and think
about how we would do certain things, and some people
just don't handle pressure in the way that we do.
Some people are not good at speeches, they get overwhelmed
with anxiety. And maybe there is an element that your
(31:48):
partner actually had planned this big thing, but they kind
of fumbled it in the moment. And maybe they already
feel a little bit embarrassed of themselves about that because
they weren't able to kind of, you know, be as
confident and is as sure of themselves as what they
would have liked to have been. And so that would
be my worry about bringing it up is if your
partner firstly feels as though, like if your partner feels
(32:10):
differently to you and feels as though they did plan
it and that kind of thing, but then they really
kind of fumbled it in the moment.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
I just don't know what that's going to do to
their sense of like well ego.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
You know, like I think that that would be quite hurtful,
and I think that you might need to evaluate in
your mind, what are the things that I'm actually feeling
disappointed by, and how would I be able to feel
like those are rectified. Like if it was the fact
that he just got down on one knee, maybe he
didn't even get down on a knee, maybe he just
said it to you as like a, hey, how do
(32:41):
you feel about getting married? I think it would be
okay to go to him and say I have always
had this expectation that it would be a bit more
of a romantic. You want to tell me what's specifically
good about me, And the point of doing that before
you actually get married is that you might be able
to change the fact that.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
He'll be more like that in your vows, or he'll
be like.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
That more of if you have an engagement party or
that kind of thing. I think just maybe, like you said, Britt,
it's hard to know without knowing any more details, I'm.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
Gonna find out. We are going to go on, We're
going to go back into dams.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
Yeah, I think you need to kind of work out
within yourself what it is specifically that you're disappointed by
and whether that is something that they will actually be
able to rectify for you.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Yeah, And look, you obviously said yes. You guys love
each other. You've said yes, and you're it's bothering you.
It's really bothering you enough to writing to us. And
it does make sense, like you know, the way Bennis said,
if you're never going to bring those things up. And
it's funny because we say it all the time. If
you don't tell somebody how you're feeling, they don't know.
We can't expect people to be mind readers. This just
(33:43):
is more difficult because it's such a big moment, like
an impending moment.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
That we also can't expect people to be who they're not,
you know, Like, no, I disagree with that someone who's
really confident and all that kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
No, I think that's bullshit. It does it's not about
being confident. It's about like literally your partner might not
be a romantic person, but you need to be able
to step up for an engagement just because it doesn't
come to you naturally. And like, I had this conversation
really early on with Ben where I was really big
on moments for him and like surprising him with stuff,
and more so than usual because we weren't physically together,
(34:17):
so we would put a lot of efforting when we
were together, and he wasn't really reciprocating that. Like he
was always very loving, and I remember saying to him like, hey,
like I'm always like surprising you with stuff and like
trying to keep this really like alive and make you
feel so loved, and like I would love you to
plan something for me as well, Like I'm feeling a
(34:37):
bit like you aren't putting any thought or effort in
And he was mortified. Yeah, and he's like and he
said the same thing. He's like, sorry, that doesn't come
naturally to me. And I didn't even realize that that
was bothering you. And he has been incredible ever since.
And it's not about money and it's not about over
the top. It's the thought and so like, you know,
(34:58):
I would come back to a little no and something
on the bed and just like just different little things.
And he's like, I didn't know unless you Thank God,
you know.
Speaker 2 (35:06):
Yeah, And I think you are right where you say,
like a proposal is an exception, you know, like we
can't expect for people to become an entirely different personality type.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
But they can put the effort. Yeah. I also think
that you are right in saying that, brit All right,
let's we're gonna find out about that because I want
I want that as like an aftermath.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
Question number three is it normal to think about an
ex I'm thirty two and I have been with my
current partner five years. We've always had a solid, stable
relationship and have a one year old baby boy together.
I love my partner. He's very kind, loyal, and reliable.
I feel safe and secure with him. He is a
great dad and very committed to our family. However, our
relationship lacks intimacy and physical connection, and it has since
(35:48):
even before we had the baby. It often feels as
though we are more friends and co parents. We rarely
have sex and minimal kissing and cuddling. My ex and
I were together for six years from the eight of
nineteen to twenty five. So we broke up about eight
years ago. I was deeply in love with him. We
had a really strong connection and were absolutely crazy about
(36:08):
each other. We had an amicable breakup because he had
to move away for work, and so we decided to
go our separate ways. As hard as I have tried
to move on, I still think about him often after
eight years, and I'm so sick of it. I find
myself looking back on our relationship and longing for that
connection that we had. As much as I love my
partner and our life together, I have this niggling feeling
(36:30):
that my ex was the one or the love of
my life.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
My penguin the one that got away.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
And it makes me really sad that I'm never going
to feel that way again with my partner. Is this
a common feeling to have? And if it is, how
do I get over it.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
No, it's not common.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
That's so funny. My answer is completely opposite to yours.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
No, it's not common to think that they're the one
that got away your first relationship. It's common to think
about next occasionally, for sure, But to think that that
person that you were with when you were eighteen years old,
of course, it's different. You're thirty three now with kids, Like,
it's a different relationship you were eighteen years old. The
chemistry and the lack of responsibility makes it a different relationship.
(37:13):
You were in like the most free, young, or consuming
time of your life, and it was your first love.
There is nothing like a first love. Like your first
love hits different for the rest of your life. It
is not normal to be in a relationship and constantly
think that you're with the wrong person and you should
have been with that other person. Like, I think that
(37:34):
you need to take a deeper look at your relationship.
That's the issue. But I do think you are confusing things.
I think you are remembering a relationship that no doubt
was amazing and ended well, and that is very important
because there was no toxicity to it. It was two
people that grew apart because of life, which I think
(37:55):
is really important. By all accounts, it was a great relationship,
but it was a very young first relationship and it
was eight years ago. I do really think that when
you say your partner, you and your partner lack intimacy
and you always have that is something that you can
work on in a relationship, exactly like we just said
in the last question, like it's a you've got to
(38:15):
work out people's love languages and what you want and
what you need. And it's important if one isn't that
kind of a person, and one is that you talk
about it and meet in the middle, like there's always
a way to work around it. But I truly believe,
and I've said this to some friends in the last week.
I've had these conversations with people in my life. You
(38:35):
cannot grow your garden at home if you are just
like still planting all these other seeds elsewhere. And I'm
not saying that you're planting anything.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
It doesn't sound like she's acting on it doesn't sound
like she's reaching out.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
She's not, But her mind is she's constantly thinking about him.
And if you are constantly thinking about him and having
this internal battle in your brain of you are comparing
your relationship, You're like, but that was so good, and
that was an amazing connection. We were soulmates and the
intimacy was good, and I don't have that intimacy in
this relationship. Does that mean that this isn't right because
my ex would have never done that, or my ex
would have made me feel this way, You're not watering
(39:11):
your own garden, Like you need to figure out a
way if you want your relationship to work, to remember
that moment of your life fondly, but move on because
you need to water what's at home. I truly believe that.
And if what's at home isn't right for you, then
it's a different story. But if you are wanting to
make your life work now, I don't think you can
have all these other doors open. I truly don't think
(39:31):
it can, because whether you think it is or not,
it gets in the way of you focusing on what's
right in front of you right now.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
So I feel really quite differently to you, Britt, And
I think it's like there has been years and years
of me speaking about this with friends and the fact
that I know my brain is wired a little differently
to the majority, Like that's being diagnosed with that, and
I think that the one thing that really really helped me.
And I'm kind of talking about like before the current
(39:59):
relationship that I mean, I had a relationship that I
fell head over heels with someone and then we went
our own ways because of distance as well, and you
hit the nail on the head. It's because things didn't
end badly. This person was not, you know, my first love.
I think back on my first love and I have
really positive experiences and I really still think of him in.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
A very, very good way.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
I feel so differently about this guy because we were
never able to get the closure. We were never like
things still ended when we were in the goodness of
the relationship. And it sounds as though even though your
relationship went for a long time, it sounds as though
everything was still great for you and you separated because
of reasons that you didn't necessarily have control over. And
(40:44):
it is so hard to get closure when that is
your situation. And for that reason, I think it is
so easy to get caught in the trap of looking
back on it with the most rose colored glasses that
are so unrealistic to your current situation and genuinely hand
on my heart. I have battled with this four years
(41:05):
because I spent I think about three years after that
guy and I broke up every relationship I was attempting
to get in. Every person I was dating, I was
comparing to him, and I was comparing to our experiences
and the fun that I had, And there was this
part of me that was like, maybe that was meant
(41:25):
to be my person. But the reality is is that
if you were still with that person, I genuinely believe
that you would probably be having the exact same issues
that you were having now in your relationship. Biology has
a lot to do with it. We lose a lot
of our sex drive as we get you know, you've
got a baby, like, things do change and the way
that we view life and live life changes. And so
(41:46):
while you will think back on this previous person with
such good positive feelings, I don't think it's fair to
compare your current situation to what that was because they're
just you're comparing apples and oranges. You're comparing yourself as
a different person in a different relationship, Like you were
a different person eight years ago to who you are now.
Speaker 1 (42:08):
The early twenties is different to early thirties.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Yeah, yeah, and I think because you didn't have the
closure of that relationship ending because he was a bad person,
or because he cheated on you, or because he put.
Speaker 1 (42:18):
You through all these things, and maybe you guys would
end up in a dry spell as well.
Speaker 2 (42:22):
Like it's really really hard to grapple in your brain
and kind of go, I don't think I'm remembering this
with complete clarity.
Speaker 1 (42:31):
I all haven't manticize Sondred percent.
Speaker 2 (42:33):
We pick and choose these beautiful memories, and we kind
of think and we forget about the little bits of
insecurities that we might have had or some of the
things that seemed more mundane. And yet we compare our
current situations that are very mundane, because that's what real
life is. We compare it to these times where we
had such rose colored glasses. So my answer to this
(42:55):
is actually, in my experience with myself and my friends,
I think it is quite to compare, you know, a
previous situation if you didn't have closure from it, to
your current relationship.
Speaker 1 (43:06):
But I really.
Speaker 2 (43:07):
Encourage you to really really sit down with yourself and
be like, Okay, I actually don't think I am being
realistic about this comparison.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
Well, you're also saying, you know, like we have minimal
kissing and cuddling, we rarely have sex. We feel like
more friends than co parents. You've also said you've been
together for five years and have a one year old.
You are in the thick of it, like.
Speaker 2 (43:27):
Yeah, you know what you didn't have from the guy
who left because he moved away for work stability. You
know what gets the little dopamine senses going, lack of stability.
Speaker 1 (43:36):
You've also got to remember you can't just compare relationship
to relationship. You have to compare the whole holistic view
of it. When you were eight, between eighteen and twenty three,
twenty four to twenty five, chances are you don't have hectic,
full time jobs. You're not in a huge amount of debt,
you don't have mortgages, you didn't have a one year
old baby. Your hormones are different, you're not as tired
(43:58):
like the relationship tipically is completely different. When you were
twenty years old to thirty two with life stress, societal
pressures are baby and mortgages, they're just different. So you
are more likely to be having sex and being intimate
and having fun because you don't have the responsibility at
that age, so it's not just as simple. Unfortunately, it's
(44:19):
been like we still laugh more, we don't laugh as
this relationship doesn't laugh as much. Like we were so
much more spontaneous than than we are now. You can't
compare it like that, but it's very easy for our
brain to do that. Yeah, I do think that it
is something in your relationship that you can work on
for sure. First of all, rarely having sex. You do
have a one year old, so that is not shocking.
(44:40):
Most people that I know that have had kids, family members, friends,
a lot of them have aren't even having sex at
all in the first year, like very very sporadically because
you don't feel like it and you don't want it.
The other part is you have said it's always been
like that with this person, so he obviously is maybe
not over physical person or intimate person. But that doesn't
(45:02):
mean you can't be like That doesn't mean that you
guys can't sit down and say that you need more
from it, especially when you're lacking the sex part for now.
The other connection, intimacy, I think is really important, just
making sure you're checking in with each other. Intimacy doesn't
have to be sexual We've spoken about that a lot,
so you might just not be feeling loved or desired
(45:23):
or just getting anything else that you need physically, whether
it's a neck rub, that extra cuddle, a kire so,
whatever it is. But I do think, again I said
it at the start, you need to be focusing on
what is in front of you right now, because that's
what real life is.
Speaker 2 (45:39):
Yeah, I agree, And I think that we often confuse
this desire for novelty with like a lack of intimacy.
Speaker 1 (45:46):
At least for myself, I do.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
And one of the ways that I can kind of
get that buzz back and get the happy feelings back
again is just by doing novel things, which you probably
did do in your past relationship because you were young
and you were going and doing fun things that eighteen
to twenty five year olds do. And so that's even
more of a stark comparison now that you have a
very stable, routined life.
Speaker 1 (46:08):
And I'm not.
Speaker 2 (46:08):
Necessarily talking about like a sexual novelty. I'm talking more
about just the two things that I think really helped
me and I hope can help you. Is firstly, acknowledging
the fact that you are comparing apples to oranges. And
I'm not just talking about the guys that you're with,
You're actually comparing yourself in a way that is not
a fair comparison. You're not the same person that you
(46:29):
were back in that previous relationship. So just getting a
bit real with that and just going I can't expect
for this to feel the same as what it did
because I'm not the same and my situation isn't the same.
And the other thing is bringing in a little bit
more novelty to your relationship because the things that you
were doing when you were like eighteen to twenty five
are very different to what you're doing now eight years later.
(46:50):
When you know, we think about what you used to
do when you were eighteen to twenty five. Used to
be going and doing funshit with your friends all the time.
You were going and checking out new things and like
getting these new experience, it says, And now you're in
a situation where you're in life in a stable, reliable,
which are really good qualities that you need to have
in a long term partner.
Speaker 1 (47:09):
But you're probably also super in routine because you've got
a one year old together. But also, relationships are work,
they take work, They take effort. They have highs and
they have lows, and they have monotony, and that's all
a normal part of it. You're never going to be
in a relationship for the rest of your life that
doesn't have that, And you're in that now. You're in it,
but it doesn't mean you have to be stuck in it.
But you do need to put effort into a relationship
(47:31):
at times, and now sounds like one of those times
that you need to just like focus on home and
work out what your issues are, why you have the issues,
and just literally put a bit of effort into at home.
I'm not saying you don't put effort into it, but
you might not have had the conversation really openly and
rawly with your partner about what's lacking and what you need.
But I can tell you one way it's not going
to help is to be living in the past ten
(47:52):
years ago and thinking about what if, because what if
it's done? It's not real life. Yeah, I agree, guys,
that is it from us. We have to get out
of here. Please keep your questions coming in ask uncut
to the DMS. You can email them in if you want.
All your accent on filters as well. That's Life un
Cup podcast on Instagram or hello at lifehun cut podcast
dot com if you want to email us and make
(48:13):
sure you hit subscribe, and watch all the ask gun
cuts on our YouTube channel, you.
Speaker 2 (48:18):
Know, the drill Take dot take friends and share the
love because we love them.
Speaker 1 (48:22):
We love
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