Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled

Janet is joined by inner child healing expert Lavinia Brown, whose previous appearance on "Unruffled" prompted a listener to write in to describe how she's struggled to control her angry and physically punitive responses to her three-year-old son's behavior. Raised in an authoritarian household in which she was spanked whenever she disobeyed, this mom has bravely started making changes. "I'm now convinced that spanking sho...

Certain behaviors our kids display can really wind us up. In this episode, Janet offers a solution to three common ones. First, tattling—when our kids seem to have the incessant need to tell on friends or siblings for every minor thing they do. As adults, we might label this person as a gossip and steer clear. As parents, we might fear it could eventually lead to our child being alienated from his peers. Second a...

Our child's whining can be the most earsplitting sound imaginable and, unfortunately, our negative reactions to whining can tend to make matters worse. How do we make the whining stop? A parent writes to Janet that her 7-year-old is constantly whining, pouting, and repeatedly asking her mom for new stuff. "Instead of playing with the entire Toys R Us we have in our home, she whines about the things she wants, and seri...

A parent writes to Janet that she's alarmed and heartbroken about the wedge that's developed between her and her 4-year-old son, "a very sweet, genuine, kind little person," due to his increasingly unkind, hurtful behavior. This mom feels she's tried everything and yet her son continues to hit, kick, pinch, scratch, and run away from her and her partner. The boy also makes threats like, "I'm going to punch you," sometimes ...

Elsa Chahin, President/CEO of Pikler/Loczy USA, has dedicated herself to carrying on the mission of visionary pediatrician and researcher Dr. Emmi Pikler, which is to promote "respectful and harmonious relationships between the youngest child and the adult." Like Janet, Elsa is also RIE Associate who studied under Pikler protege Magda Gerber. Elsa joins Janet in this episode to discuss the innumerable, proven benefits of a...

Parenting and worry seem to go hand-in-hand. Because we care so much, we watch our kids closely and can tend to perceive their traits and behaviors in a needlessly negative, worrisome light. In this episode, Janet explains why traits like sensitivity, bossiness, a toddler's insistence on doing it himself, and another child's seemingly constant need for a parent's validation can all be seen (and approached far more effectiv...

Janet consults with a distressed parent of two boys who feels stuck in a destructive pattern. She describes how she's struggling with feeling constantly irritated, overwhelmed, and just angry. “I love my kids more than anything,” she says, “but they’re driving me crazy.” Janet agrees with the mom that boundaries are a big part the issue and suggests a new approach for her to try. Surprisingly, the solution they come u...

A parent with 2 children, 4 and 1.5-years-old, writes to Janet feeling disappointed and concerned that he's letting his children down. This dad admits that he’s very sensitive to his both children’s emotions, especially if they’re upset. In order to deal with their typical, rambunctious behaviors, he’s attempted to set reasonable boundaries with consequences in terms of dressing, bathing, bedtime, roughhousing, etc. T...

Janet addresses messages from parents who are feeling defeated and helpless in the face of their kids' persistently uncooperative, annoying and, in one case, hurtful behavior. All of these parents admit they are struggling, and that the approaches they've tried just don't seem to be working. 

"... I am constantly getting at my child, telling her 'No, stop that, not so close,' etc., and after a while I get inc...

Raising kids is a learning process, and (no doubt) there's a benefit to reflecting on the mistakes we make along the way. But Janet believes we can learn even more when we recognize and appreciate our successes, no matter how inconsequential they might seem to us as the time. Maybe it's the little bit of empathy we felt as we limited one of our child's bothersome behaviors. Or a momentary sense of confidence in ourselves a...

Janet responds to a question from a caregiver who says the family she works for is interested in teaching their son ABC's and other lessons. The child is sometimes disinterested and refuses to participate, and she wonders: “Is there a respectful approach to teaching children?” Janet responds with an alternative perspective on early childhood learning that focuses on providing the best foundation possible for children to de...

In this encore episode, a mom is at her wit's end and describes a series of challenging family separations and transitions, including the birth of a sibling. Now one of her twins yells and screams from morning until night. The other twin is defiant and “is always telling me ‘no’ and doing things he knows he’s not supposed to be doing.” This mom says their behavior is so extreme she spends most of the day in tears, feeling ...

Janet’s guest this week is Neha Ruch, a writer and speaker on parenting, women, work, and identity. Her personal journey from career through parenthood led her to question and ultimately reject society’s stereotypical view of the stay-at-home parent and its limitations, and instead celebrate the possibilities. Neha is the founder of Mother Untitled (.com), which seeks to reimagine parenthood as a pause or “downshift" and a...

Wouldn’t parenting be easier if our kids’ behavior was always stellar? Unfortunately, for most of us that isn't the case. It is during those difficult times especially, when our child is tired or hungry or angry (or their behavior just seems terrible and we're mystified as to what's gotten into them), that they need us to be their confident, empathic leader—a role that doesn't always come naturally. In this episode, Janet ...

By now, we’ve all heard that Step One for effectively addressing our kids' behaviors and emotional storms is to first calm ourselves. Sounds simple, but as Janet has often shared, she believes this to be the biggest challenge we as parents face. Here's good news: Janet's guest this week is dynamic and passionate educator Mr. Chazz, and he has learned a self-calming process that he believes in 100%. Happily, he shares it in...

In this encore episode, a parent writes that she and her husband are concerned their toddler feels responsible for their emotions. This is a trait they both recognize from their own backgrounds. “He asks again and again, ‘Happy, mommy?’ as if he’s trying to help me be happy.” This mom says that if she admits to her toddler that, no, she is not entirely happy at the moment, he gives her hugs and cuddles and persists in aski...

A mother reaches out to Janet because her 3-year old's behavior has recently become erratic and unpleasant, and she’s struggling to make sense of it. She writes that her boy is strong-willed, smart, kind, high energy and wonderful to be around. But lately he's quick to anger, throws things, screams NO to simple requests, is pushy with his younger sister and gets easily overwhelmed when disappointed. He even behaved wi...

Does the holiday season really need to be so overwhelming? Janet admits she gets caught up in the bustle and excitement of holiday festivities. While her intention every year is to pare down to make more room for meaningful moments with her loved ones, she still finds herself shopping until the last minute for the perfect gift and wrapping into the wee hours of Christmas Day. Janet's more than ready to take off h...

Does respectful parenting work? How does it look as our kids get older and more independent? Does our approach to relationship building change and if so, how? Will our early efforts pay off? In response to a listener's questions, Janet discusses the challenges, rewards, and surprises she's experiencing as her three babies have become adults. She shares on topics like boundaries, maintaining closeness, and how she's tried t...