February 22, 2025 • 68 mins
Chell, the host, shares her deeply personal journey through trauma, love, and loss. In order to help other widows, she opens up about the heartbreaking experience of losing her first husband due to a tragic drunken night that ultimately led to the accident. She reflects on past experiences—including tumultuous relationships and the weight of generational trauma—that have shaped her life. Chell candidly recounts the events of the accident, the emergency response, and the heart-wrenching decisions that followed. Her story stands as a testament to resilience and the complex process of healing from profound grief. Through her narrative, Chell illuminates the emotional struggles of widowhood, the challenges of societal judgment, and the transformative power of empathy and support. Her reflections on the raw realities of grief and personal healing aim to offer comfort and understanding to others navigating similar journeys.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to Beyond the Monsters.
And today's going to be a little different because I have my friend, Melissa here.
She has become a dear friend of mine.
know, my daughter, Kenna, who does all of our editing, you know, she just had said to methe other day, she's like, mom, you keep saying you haven't told your story yet with other
(00:23):
people.
And maybe I needed to share a little bit.
So.
I chose Melissa also because she is someone who did constellation with me.
Gosh, it was probably what?
Like two months ago-ish?
And you know, that's all about generational trauma and trying to piece things togetherwith all of that and how you can try to heal from it.
(00:49):
And Melissa ended up being me, representing me.
So it was just like a different kind of bond, you know.
Melissa knows different traumas that I've been through just briefly, right?
mean, and we've we're we're becoming really good friends, but I just I don't share a lotof that stuff.
(01:09):
And today, I think, you know, I want to share when I became a widow and like, good.
And I have no idea how my emotions are going to be today.
I'm like, maybe I won't cry at all.
Maybe I'll cry too much.
So we're just gonna kind of wing it and have a conversation, right?
Like just because this is tough and it was, this happened back in 2001.
(01:34):
So we're talking 24 years ago.
So what I think I'll start with is just talking about my first husband, Jay.
(01:57):
in my life, I had been through a lot, as a teenager, group homes, foster homes, rape,abuse, sexual assault, everything you can think of.
I trusted no one.
I didn't have a good family.
Everything you can imagine happens in foster homes and group homes.
(02:17):
I was.
Briefly, I'll tell you know that I was on my own at 17.
I had my first daughter when I was 18.
Got myself into of course a domestic violence type relationship.
You know when she was a baby not not even her father, but you know it's to me that stuffwas normal and that's what I knew and you know you think you can fix everybody and even at
(02:42):
a young age.
That's where I found myself between like 18 and 20.
years old and you know was in nursing school just trying to make it trying to live my lifeand I don't know all of our friends we used to all go downtown downtown Cleveland you know
we were the people that were at the clubs all the time no mind you I shouldn't have been Ihad a you know a little one but you know I had my babysitters that would come over we'd go
(03:11):
out and you know we were those people that we didn't have to wait in line at the clubsbecause we knew the owners and
We were too well known in the partying scene.
And that's, you know, when I was 21, that's when I met my first husband, Jason.
And like the first time that I saw him, we were all out.
had mutual friends and I remember meeting him.
(03:35):
And then it was kind of like, oh, he was cool, whatever.
And then a couple of weeks later, we were all downtown again and I saw him at the sameclub.
And I was like,
and probably I had been drinking probably everyone was and I was like, what's your nameagain?
And he was kind of kind of offended, but like being funny.
(03:56):
And he's like, Fred Flintstone and me.
I'm like, okay, well, I'm Wilma, let's go dance kind of thing.
And it just went from there and we were always together and things moved really quickly.
But I put him through absolute hell.
Now, mind you,
(04:17):
I didn't know what love was.
I've never had anyone love me.
Like not a parent, not a relative, like to where I felt someone loved me.
So he was so great and so amazing that in my mind, there's no way he was real.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, so- How old is Chelsea this time?
(04:40):
Chelsea is three, going on three.
Three years old.
Now, and her dad wasn't like, she wasn't involved like with him or whatever.
Jason was amazing with her like right away.
Like it was like, you would have thought he was, you know, her dad and he treated her likehis daughter.
And she was a little shit too.
And so for me, I was like, my God, like this guy is so amazing.
(05:03):
He's like, God must have finally listened.
That was my thing.
It was like he found and.
He gave good And
But I put him through hell, like literally where I tell you, like, because I was a mentalcase.
(05:29):
Like I, you know, I just was, I didn't know how to regulate emotions.
I had severe depression.
I had all the things you could imagine.
And I would literally at different times, because he seemed too good.
And before he could hurt me, I literally no joke, I would throw his shit out the windows,all his clothes.
be like, you're not even real, just go.
(05:49):
Just go now.
This isn't real.
But he would literally sit in front of me and say, go ahead, throw your fits.
As much as you need to, do whatever you need to do.
I'm still gonna be right here.
You're not pushing me away.
So he knew that was a protective.
Yes.
And now mind you, he came from the little fairy tale kind of life.
(06:11):
What would I use to always say?
They were like.
I don't know, one of those families, like when we were younger, we used to see on TV andthey're all, everybody's like perfect.
You have the mom, you have the dad, you have this.
And he was like an oops baby.
So he was born later in their life.
So his parents were already in what their sixties-ish?
(06:33):
Yeah, like sixties, late sixties when I started dating him.
And they were very wonderful to me too.
So for me, I'm like, there is no way.
It's just not, it's not even possible.
Long story short to go forward a little bit, we got engaged pretty quick.
We weren't even together like a year.
We had already tried to have a baby, like even before that.
(06:54):
And I ended up with a tube of pregnancy, which ended up rupturing because the firstsurgery I had, didn't get, they were twins.
And they didn't get all kept growing after the first surgery.
And we went through all that together.
then they actually, during that time, the doctor had put like,
(07:14):
poked holes in my right ovary that I had left because we knew we wanted to have a baby.
We didn't care about, we gotta get married, the traditional stuff, because my life was farfrom traditional.
And so we tried again right away, like a month later, and got pregnant with my youngestdaughter, Kenna, who is now 23, going on 24.
So this is like 2001.
(07:37):
She's born in 2001, June of 2001, and we...
Life is good, we've started a staffing agency for nurses together.
have over 100 employees.
We're just rocking it.
Life is like, it can't get better than that, like for what I had already been through.
And so she's born in June of 01, then September 11th happens.
(08:07):
obviously everyone knows you remember where you were, what happened, what you thought, whowas where, and were your people around you.
And I remember going to get Chelsea at school right away because I was just panicking.
I was panicking.
And I remember, and I'm postpartum and I have postpartum depression really bad.
(08:27):
Like severely to where it was bad.
That's a whole nother thing.
But he was always so good.
So I'm here like that stability was always there with him, something I was never used to.
No matter.
even I still kept poke, poke, poke.
Right.
You know, and we had been engaged even when kind of was born.
(08:49):
9-11 happens.
I can remember like sitting on the couch with him.
We were actually kind of like we had an L shaped couch.
We were laying on the couch and he was on one side.
I was on the other side.
And, you know, Chelsea was little.
We had a baby thinking.
my God, you know how you would watch the people on there and they're like talking abouttheir loved ones that died and like, and I remember saying, I remember feeling like so
(09:17):
deep, so deep that I can't imagine ever feeling like that.
I can't imagine losing a spouse, losing a child, like God, these poor people, like I can'teven imagine that.
So September 11th happens.
Then we have our big wedding, October 27th.
just following that.
(09:38):
Now, so we had a beautiful wedding, everything was beautiful, everything was perfect.
know, both the girls weren't, was just perfect, it was perfect.
So that's October 27th.
And now let's just skip ahead to like Christmas time.
Where everybody's like planning for New Year's though, right?
Me, I'm paranoid, uh-uh.
(09:59):
We have a newborn baby, like she's in December, she's only six months old.
So we had a six month old and a six year old.
And I'm like, oh hell no, we're not going out for New Year's.
There is no way they're going to bomb all of Cleveland.
Like, you know, just all these things are like going through my head.
Yeah.
And the kids, they're not going to have anybody.
So everybody was pressuring us like and giving us shit for not going out for New Year's.
(10:23):
on December 28th, we decide to, everyone's going to go out like our old weekend kind ofthing, how we'd go out on a Saturday night.
I remember that day, it was December 28th, and I remember the day, like I was fine with,okay, let's all go out.
We haven't done anything fun.
I remember holding Kenna and we're laying on the couch and I said, I don't think we shouldgo out tonight.
(10:48):
And he's like, and he used to me Baby Doll.
That was like his name for me.
He's like, Baby Doll, just stop.
You're being silly.
Everything's gonna be fine.
No, we need to go out and have some fun for once.
You haven't done anything.
I'm like, I don't know.
And I kept saying, I don't know.
I don't think we should.
I really don't.
So he kept encouraging me.
(11:09):
I just finally, remember Chelsea was at her.
That was one of the few times she was at her father's house, her biological father'shouse.
And I remember him like this.
remember like it was yesterday.
It was 24 years ago.
He brought Kenna.
I was getting ready.
He brought Kenna into me he's like, oh, look at our baby girl.
(11:31):
give her a kiss and I was like, bye baby.
He was taking her to his mom's just to spend the night just because we were going out.
And our house was always like the place where everybody came back to afterwards.
Well, I'll go out.
and we go to like TGI Fridays in Westlake, Ohio.
(11:51):
And now a lot of our friends are out, everybody's getting appetizers, everybody's startingto drink, it's only like 5.30.
Okay, so we're drinking chocolate martinis and just whatever, just, and now mind you,we're taking cabs when we go, because we don't absolutely under no circumstances did we
ever drink and drive because I was like the only individual in my entire family that neverhad a DUI.
(12:12):
So it was just something I was,
always fully against.
So doing the responsible thing.
We're all out, we're having fun.
I'm dancing, know, doing all the things when you're what, 24, 25.
And he was, he was 28, I was 25.
Now, and to go back a little bit, we were gonna go out that night because we weren't goingout New Year's and the following year we were going to expand our business, you know, and
(12:39):
grow and we wanted to have another baby right away.
So,
because we just wanted kids, wanted a big family.
so that night we're all out.
It's his best friend that he's known since he was two years old.
They argued all their life over who was Batman number one and Batman number two.
It's like a running joke.
(13:00):
We had a Batman statue at our wedding and ice statue at Ice Sculpture.
And we're all out and I had a boyfriend
that was like a downtown kind of person too, that was before Jay.
Just like when I would break up with the other one who was the domestic violence, totallyabusive, all the things.
(13:23):
Just a guy that I had dated for a minute, but he would always kind of starch it, like whenhe would see us.
And he kept going by us and he grabbed my butt when we were all out on the dance floor.
That night?
Yeah, this night.
God, holy shit, like that was it.
(13:45):
Like Jay had just had enough.
And he now to know him, you would have thought he's the coolest guy.
He doesn't like start shit like he did in college and stuff they got in their littledrunken fights.
Right.
But now my one of my best friends, too.
you haven't met her yet.
Jen, one of my best friends, Jen, too.
(14:06):
And his best friend since he was two and a bunch of our other friends.
But like Jen, Jay.
John and I, the two best friends, we're all like riding together.
So those two though are getting in a huge brawl.
everybody, I'm like pissed now, you know?
Now mind you, this is like 1.32 in the morning.
(14:27):
We've been drinking since 5.30, right?
Everyone's been drinking since 5.30.
So.
You can say we were all shit faced, right?
So they're fighting.
I'm so pissed.
And we knew the owners of the club.
they're fighting.
The DJ bottles are being thrown.
Because everybody thinks they're getting in on it.
(14:49):
So I'm pissed at this point.
Like I'm leaving.
So I grab my friends and I'm like, no, I'm leaving.
They can ride in their own cab.
They can do whatever.
We have too much to lose.
We just have be like.
Somehow I was thinking about those things, even though we had all been drinking.
But I was pissed at him.
To me, that was ignorant.
Why are you gonna risk everything we have over this idiot guy?
(15:12):
So there was a, do we have paninis here?
Do know what paninis is?
Okay, so paninis is all over Ohio, Cleveland, and it's like, there was a paninis rightnext to the clubs where you can get the big sandwiches with fries on them.
It was like the place everybody went after you've been drinking.
So it was right next door and I went in there for a minute and I told you, maybe let's getsomething to eat and see where they are.
(15:37):
So they were taking forever and I was just super annoyed.
I'm like, let's go.
I'm getting a cab, let's go.
So now we're getting into the van, I don't know if you remember the van taxis, they werejust, they'd say taxi on them.
Cause we're going back, what, 24 years.
No Uber, no, there's nothing like even thought of yet.
(16:00):
I open the van door and I'm going to get in the cab and Jen gets in too.
Then they're trying to get in.
I'm like, no, I get back out.
I'm like, you guys go, you're idiots.
You guys go in the other one.
So Jen ends up, from what I remember, like Jen ends up like saying, oh, let's just allride together, just whatever.
Now I'm still pissed.
I'm so pissed at him that they got in a fight.
(16:22):
so now if you can imagine, if you can picture it, it's a van taxi.
You know, they have a passenger seat and then there's a bench seat in the middle and thenthere's one in the back.
Now, Jen and John, our best friends, are in the back.
Okay.
Okay.
And Jay and I are in the middle.
I'm pissed, but I'm still sitting in the middle of the seat.
(16:42):
Sure.
He's sitting on the end.
Okay.
You know, towards this, there's a sliding door.
You know, that sliding door.
So Jen and John.
are back there and she's yelling at him like, you're an idiot.
Cause everybody's friends, know, and they're not together.
They're not in a relationship, but they're just, she's like yelling at him like, you know,she should.
(17:05):
The part in, I have a lot of pieces to this.
At first, for the longest time, I didn't remember a lot of this.
But I'm sitting in the middle.
Jay is still, which is completely out of character for him, to ever argue with me.
It was literally like, okay, even if I would argue, it was hard to get him to argue back.
(17:29):
We are going back forth.
I'm like, you're stupid, this is stupid.
I can't believe you're so ignorant.
And I was pissed out.
saying shit that I shouldn't be saying.
At one point he said, and I do remember this clearly, he said, why don't you just, theguy's name was Frank, why don't you just go fuck Frank?
And I was like, whoa, like, because he didn't, he never talked to me like that.
(17:50):
And I'm like, he'd been drinking all this time, everybody's mad, totally out of character.
And I remember just looking over here and go, maybe I will.
And then I turned like this way, and I'm looking out the window.
So I'm still in the middle, still have my seatbelt on and everything, but I'm turned tolook out the window.
He's still sitting here and I remember hearing him say, like, let me out of the fuckingcab, talking to the non-English speaking driver.
(18:21):
And we're going, I mean, know this now, because I know the story, we're going 60 miles anhour on the highway, going home, being responsible, taking the cab, going home.
I heard him say it and I heard him say it again and I'm like, oh God, whatever.
Like you're really gonna get out of the cab and you're gonna want me to chase you and youknow, whatever.
(18:43):
Like you're being a baby kind of thing.
Which I mean, it wasn't nice, but that's what I meant like at the time, because it wasjust stupid.
The next moments, I don't recall 100 % except for my best friend screaming behind me.
(19:04):
my God, my God, and she's pulling me.
And so, and I'm mad, I'm being, looking out the window, whatever, and I look this waywhere the sliding door is, and the door's wide open and he's gone.
Like.
And I remember like right away I looked in the back window and saw everything thathappened on the road.
(19:28):
So now at this point, like he was just rolling across the highway.
The car's still moving.
We're still, we're still.
Full speed.
At this point, I'm screaming.
At one point, I even hit the driver saying, stop the fucking cab.
Stop the cab.
And they think, based on what everyone has said, I vaguely remember this moment, but Iremember like.
(19:57):
holding on to the open door, the sides, for him to slow down enough for me to jump out toget to him.
So they think that I jumped out myself.
Now, just to give you a little bit of the picture too, now at this point, and I had lostall my baby weight.
I was feeling myself that night, had a short skirt on, It's probably 20 degrees out too,but I had boots on.
(20:20):
But we were tired from dancing.
I didn't have my boots on, I was barefoot now with a skirt on and a tank top.
I jumped out, they said like a 30 miles an hour to get to him and just fell forward like,you know, however I fell like it was just like forward and I was able to catch myself and
(20:41):
I just started running.
Like it was pitch dark too.
There's no car, there's not a lot of cars.
Are you on a highway?
Yep, on the highway, but this is still country.
So it's not really like lit.
Like you look out here and you you see different lights.
It wasn't like that.
It was like when it was dark like that, you would basically see the light because of othercars.
(21:02):
right.
So I'm running.
I'm Now, pieces of this have come back to me, you know, over the years and just whateveryour brain does to protect you.
I fully remember.
Like not feeling my body and running as fast as I could, but
(21:24):
It was weird because I had like
was seeing his life.
I can't even explain it to you.
It wouldn't even make sense.
And I got to him and his body was right on the white line.
So thank God in my head I'm going, okay thank God no cars can run him over.
(21:45):
And he was like, I mean he was like five, 10, 200 pounds or whatever.
So it's not like I could have moved him or anything.
It is pitch dark, I can't see.
my friends are still, I think, in the cab.
And I remember as I'm running, I was looking for my phone, but that I really have anyclothes on.
(22:05):
I mean, I had clothes on, but not anything where you gotta put a phone.
And then I remembered, shit, our business phone and our personal phone are in, and this islike flip phone, kind of.
They're in his jacket, his leather jacket he had on.
So by the time I get to him,
I can't really see, I'm checking, doing my medical, normal medical thing.
(22:28):
And it was like, it wasn't even my story.
I don't even know what mode, and this has happened to me many times when it comes to firstresponding kind of things.
It's like out of body, I just do what I need to do.
I couldn't see him, I knew he wasn't breathing.
So I start CPR, but I have no phone.
(22:50):
So I see, but I see, I'm starting CPR.
I see Jen and John running towards me and I can see it because the cab driver is finallybacking up.
So I have his light.
This guy was a complete idiot or he just totally did not understand English.
I don't know.
I really don't have a clue.
So they're coming back.
(23:11):
I'm already starting CPR.
They're so out of their mind, understandably, hysterical.
Running towards me and I'm like, call 911, call 911.
I'm already doing CPR.
on him.
Still can't really see that much.
I can see his like not really even his face, but like I know he's there.
I'm feeling they're coming and I'm telling him to call 911 and they're so fuckinghysterical that they can't even talk to 911.
(23:43):
So now I'm like, give me give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Now I have 911 on here on my thing.
And I'm still trying to do CPR.
and give breaths and do all these things.
for full.
minutes.
42 minutes.
Thanks
(24:03):
because they dispatched the wrong amp-
in the wrong county into the wrong place.
So it was like 42 ish.
And during this time, the ambulance is coming.
I remember seeing the ambulance
my left.
(24:24):
And there was one point that he blew my cheeks out, like blew a breath back.
I'm like, oh, thank God.
And you can even hear me like on the 911 call where I'm like, oh God.
Yeah, I think he's breathing.
Right.
So ambulances come back, you know, backing up.
(24:46):
I remember hearing that like a beep beep sound when when they're backing up and the, Isee.
And then I see all.
blood that I didn't see.
His head.
So he fell out.
He went out.
he, and in my mind, I'm still thinking, there's no jump out of that.
(25:09):
He fell.
must've, you know, so all this stuff's going through my head.
And then I'm thinking he's going to live because he blew my cheeks out.
But then I see.
Whoops, because I'm cold.
All the blood.
And his jacket was like turned, like he was kind of laying on his jacket and then I couldsee part of the back of his head.
(25:42):
When I saw that it was on me, like I had.
Or that time.
They were starting to work on him.
Everything got him in the back of the ambulance.
And they weren't going to let me go at first.
So here's me.
(26:02):
I'm like, I'm a medical professional.
And I'm the one that's been here doing CPR on him for however long I've been out here.
And it was like they were trying to intubate him and couldn't.
And I just remember like.
there was like blood coming out of his ears, his mouth, like everything.
And I was just like talking to him and being like, you cannot leave me.
(26:25):
Like you cannot leave me here.
we get to the hospital.
the hospital.
They took him, I was not allowed back.
rushed him back.
Now I don't know what my.
(26:46):
it at this point because.
Even looking back, it was like so surreal.
So where I came out like after a few minutes I'm like okay he's got
okay like it I'm just saying he's gonna be okay there his rings that he had on like hisand his other ring because they said well he's and you know we still need to run a lot of
(27:08):
tests and he's you know I and they told me that I should call people and I'm like well Idon't want to
Worry anyone like I don't want to worry like his parents or like our friends our friendsthat are already here To them later.
They're like you need to call his parents So I can still remember He teeny tiny littleroom and the teachers were really really well, maybe they were
(27:39):
really small, but that's like what that felt like to me.
There was a desk, like a tiny little end table.
And then there was, you know, one of the old fashioned like phones.
And I remember calling his mom and I said that there was like an accident.
Like he's gonna be fine, but you probably don't even really need to come.
(28:03):
kind of thing, you know, you don't have to cum.
But you can't remember any other thing other than her.
I remember them taking us, then they told us we had to go.
upstairs to the ICU.
(28:25):
So by now, by this time, friends have called friends.
It's three o'clock, three something in the morning.
So now the waiting room is filled with our friends by the ICU.
the neurologist came out.
Now, I, I always remember I have his rings, like that's all I'm holding.
(28:46):
And I'm praying and I'm
I ain't gonna praying and praying and begging and...
you know, everything you could think of like, I am to like negotiate with God and I'll dothis and I, you live, but I don't even care.
I don't care if I had to take care of the rest of my life.
I don't care if I have to sacrifice everything, just let him and let him have, I don'twant to and not be with it.
(29:12):
And.
I remember they were saying like it's not good.
You know, I'm like, what do you mean?
I like him?
Well, no.
not yet, because there's the neurologist is with him and they're doing some tests.
I remember standing by the.
(29:35):
entry to the waiting room and everybody's like there.
couldn't even tell you who, but I just remember looking, you know, and now I can't tellyou who was all there.
but...
The neurologist then came and asked if he could speak to me.
And I'm like, okay, know, is he okay?
(29:57):
And he looked at me and he said, I hate to tell you this, and this is devastating for meto.
his brain dead.
You know, and he's not, can't live, you can't, you know.
We could take him off life support, he's on life support, blah, blah, blah.
(30:19):
to where I didn't even have the option to leave him on life.
There wasn't even a 1 % chance.
He had like a movement.
like if it's the arm or something like in either CAT scan or MRI that.
the neurologist was doing further testing just to see if there was any kind of activity.
(30:44):
Yeah.
I didn't believe it.
like, I don't believe it.
I want a second opinion.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Sure.
Come to find out he's a very well-respected neurologist, know, like a neurosurgeon, allthe things.
Like, I don't care.
Bring someone else here because you're wrong.
You're wrong.
I'm 25.
Right now I'm like and at this point I wasn't even thinking about my kids or it was justlike so that that that happens another neurologist comes in and they give a second opinion
(31:16):
and they're like Like basically Tommy.
I don't even have a I'm like I want he can stay on life support He will make it likethey're just now now I've went back to see him like people
I might be getting that mixed up.
I don't remember if I, if I, I had already went back to see him like a couple of times andhe was like laying in ICU, you know, in the bed.
(31:42):
And I remember like there being a warming blanket, like a puffy, kind of like a, what docall those things you lay on the damn water?
I can't even think right now.
Not a float, but you know, you know what I'm talking about?
It's like,
Like a raft?
Like a raft.
Yes, yes, yes.
Good God.
(32:02):
So there's that underneath his blankets and everything now.
And his eye, like his whole eye socket, everything was like gigantic.
But they keep telling me he just hit the back of his head.
like, well, maybe maybe he hit there first.
But I guess it's just pressure because he smacked the back of his head.
(32:26):
And I remember just looking at him and now they're still, and they've done surgeries tooin this time to try to stop the bleeding and the swelling and blood still coming out of
his ears, his eye now a little bit, his nose.
And I was just sitting there talking right by his ear.
(32:47):
I remember the pillow was right there, but there was blood on the pillow.
And I'm like, okay, can you just?
fucking wake up.
Like you are not leaving me here.
you're not leaving me.
And then then they started letting friends like come.
I was sitting at the end.
(33:08):
Just remember like looking at his foot for whatever reason, a little like mole on his footthat my baby, my little baby ended up.
to.
And I remember I just kept trying to like tickle the bottom of his feet.
I'm like, I like it.
There's no way.
It feels them.
And when they came back in, told me.
(33:29):
You know, there's zero percent chance.
We cannot leave him life support because there's a zero percent chance.
We really should talk about organ.
donation.
What?
fuck do you people mean organ donor he's not gonna not he's not gonna die it's still notlike registering I did pass out the second time I guess I don't remember that I've just
(33:54):
been told that
you know, friends are coming in, you
saying goodbye.
to him and...
when it was time, well, so.
We go to the organ donation thing.
We're talking.
I remember his mom and dad are there too.
And I wouldn't even know who else because I felt
(34:16):
so bad for his mother.
And I'm like, I don't have to just make this decision.
She's like, no, he loved you more than life and this is your decision.
and I wanted to donate everything.
but his eyes for whatever I was 20.
I was just like, would be weird to look into someone's, or talk about you get to meet therecipient.
(34:42):
And so.
Also, they would have his like beautiful.
blue eyes was just weird to me.
Like I couldn't even wrap my head around that.
I, and he was a very healthy 28 year old guy, like always worked out in the, you know, Idon't know.
was just, that's not what I could do, but I was happy that he would be able to help otherpeople.
(35:06):
Cause I knew that.
would want that.
So that happened, that occurred.
And every time I kept going to the bathroom, I kept feeling, and I still had the rings inmy hand, like I would not let go of these rings, I wouldn't put them down for anything,
not even to wash my hand, nothing.
Because if I hold out these, God's gonna let him live.
(35:28):
He's gonna let him live and let me take care of him.
just didn't happen.
they told me, know, it's 11 in the morning now.
They say that it's
know, us to go home.
(35:49):
And I just didn't want to leave him there.
Because they said, you know, the transplant team has to like step in and, you know, theyhave to do testing and all the things.
Well, it was like a whole scene, I guess.
I barely remember this, but like they literally had to physically take me out of therebecause I went like,
(36:19):
I do remember driving home to his, or driving home to his mom's house on the way there.
And it was just the most surreal thing ever.
So we get there to his mom's and I just like want to go lay in his bed.
(36:45):
an obnoxious old waterbed that he loved that was still in his butt.
He had pictures with bodybuilders, the shows that he had been to and stuff.
And Ken is there though.
(37:06):
Okay.
I didn't even, like, I couldn't even look at her.
Because she was like a spitting image to him and he loved her so much.
That feeling I remember so deep.
And then I felt like, that's my baby.
(37:29):
So hard for me to physically hold her or look at her.
Where you'd think most the that such a connection wasn't for me right then.
I remember Chelsea had to come home or come to his mom's house.
(37:51):
Chelsea, my oldest.
So she's six right now and he's all really like to her, that's still her.
She calls him dad, it's still her thing.
Okay.
you know, to call him dad even though she had this whatever, he was like a part time,yeah.
I remember them going to get her at the top of the street from picking him up and her likewalking in and I was sitting on the stairs like to go upstairs to his room and I was
(38:20):
sitting on like the second or third stair.
And she,
She was just like, look at me, and all these people are in the house, like so confused.
and just having to tell her was like the most gut wrenching thing ever.
I didn't know what to say and I had no...
guiding me.
(38:40):
Do you know what I mean?
Like, it's not like I had like these love parents who are like, let us be with you.
and I felt so horrible even after his to like, his mom was the most loving thing ever.
That was her baby.
I can't ask her to tell the kid.
(39:01):
And she, now with Kenna, that was right there with her.
Like, was a for her.
Chelsea was so confused and then you know I said well he's everywhere I don't even knowwhat the hell I was saying or why I was saying it at that point.
So then all the rest of the
(39:23):
she kept asking me like, is that him?
Is that him?
Like a butterfly, an ant, a bird in the tree.
Like I just felt like I was fully losing my mind.
I'm just laying on the couch.
in their couch, like, they had like a sitting room thing.
I was laying on the couch and.
still just
numb or whatever the things are that you feel like it can't be real.
(39:47):
And I get a call, there's still a lot of people there.
And I get a call from the hospital.
And they're like, does Rodford, we needed to give you a call here and let you know that wehave taken him off life support.
But we were not able to donate his organ.
(40:08):
And I'm like, wait, what?
Like that was the only thing in my mind that could have been a positive in any waywhatsoever.
And they're like, he he tested positive for hepatitis A or hepatitis C hepatitis C.
I'm like, that's not possible.
(40:29):
Like I just had a baby.
We're together 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Like he doesn't use needles.
Nothing like he does not have this.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
I said, there's no way that's not even possible.
Well, we have taken him off life.
It's like they weren't even listening to me.
We have taken him off life support.
And then I can't remember any any of the other stuff on there.
(40:52):
Now, I'm just in disbelief.
Like, there's no way this is not even possible.
Why are they even saying this?
And why are they saying this about about him?
And in my mind, I was just thinking it was like bad, like drug users or what?
Because that's all that was going through.
So he died in December, early morning, December 29th.
So things are kind of like, you know, backed up and they're waiting to let for New Year's.
(41:19):
So, you know, I had to go to the funeral home, do all those things, which is...
And again, at that time, I was all about me, but I kept feeling so bad for his mom becausethat was her baby.
and
And then they're wanting me to pick out this cat.
(41:40):
in for for what truly
of my mind.
And I was heavily medicated now by this time.
So that's probably why I only remember pieces.
He, I remember New Year's.
(42:01):
How people.
going out for New Year's?
People that weren't even.
to me, you know, or wouldn't be affected.
buy this but how are these people living like what what are they why is everybody for NewYear's and how how can they or even like some people that we did know of you know I knew
that they were like going out and I'm like fuck it's wrong with you people like because mywhole world was done it was done like I didn't want to live I had kids I didn't want to
(42:31):
live I just wanted to be with him right like even by getting his plot
Someone that that I knew through someone I honestly don't even remember who it was.
They actually had a plot in the cemetery where it was for two people like it like in thecement in the ground and I'm like, well, that's what I need because I'm going to be right
(42:56):
above him, you know, like.
It's so hard describing it.
That's why I think even like this stuff is close to here.
I didn't have that.
Sure.
20 some years ago, I feel like, holy shit, this has never happened to anybody else.
Right.
You know what?
I don't have anyone.
(43:17):
And I wasn't even thinking I didn't have anyone to relate to.
But now, yeah, I wish I would have just because I think it would have helped me thatyou're not fucking crazy.
You're OK.
OK.
I feel like you want to die.
It's OK.
All those things.
That's all.
so normal, because you truly feel like you're
going crazy.
(43:37):
Like I was such a case of this.
Like I tried to the casket with.
him.
Like in front of people, like everything.
Because I truly just wanted to be with him.
I I'm like, even.
(44:00):
You know, we had employees, I had whole business.
know, and we did that together.
But,
It was like two day.
So like, no, it was actually one day, like the 30th.
I still had like 100 employees to pay.
I went into our office at the corporate center that I shared with him.
And like in my mind, OK, that's his desk.
(44:23):
I still what things would sometimes register and then not others.
I'm like, why have to pay all my employees?
They need their checks.
It was only like a day.
And it's still not registering like that.
He's never coming back kind of thing.
I will say on the.
when it comes to the...
(44:46):
the organ donation though.
Now I had a lot of people that were wonderful and came and I'm like I can't keep, let'ssay a couple weeks, just a couple weeks past now.
I,
I wanted to change our suite in the corporate center because I'm like, can't keep goinghere because now kind of would always be with us too.
(45:06):
Like because she was just a baby.
it was always, that was our route.
like every day going there and doing these things and working.
And I just, sometimes I would be back to reality and it was just, it was too hard for me.
So everybody came and helped me move, moved my thing.
I get a call from the hospital.
And now mind you, I'm still, so many different things are going through my head.
(45:31):
I can't even explain, but I still constantly think about the organ donation thing.
Like we don't have anything, my kids don't have anything to like positive, to...
to meet these people or know that he did something so amazing.
They call me from the hospital.
Mrs.
Riperd?
Yes.
We are actually calling you to let you know that the tests from your husband'sinflammation and the hepatitis, there was a mistake.
(46:05):
And I said, yeah, there was a mistake.
I tried telling you guys that.
She said it was a clinical error and they messed up his test with another person's test.
Wow.
I don't even know.
Like what happened inside?
I mean, can still remember this to this.
I destroyed my entire suite.
Like I was just pissed and angry, like all kinds of crying, bawling, like everybody'scoming to see what's going on and like.
(46:36):
that it was all like wasted.
You know, like that.
That was tough.
Okay, I feel like there's just so much, there's so much to like touch on and it's like soimportant.
For me, other widows out there, people that lose someone close to them, that they don'thave to feel crazy.
(47:02):
You don't, yeah.
And you do feel so alone.
And there's so much I can share of my after, my craziness after.
But we'll just touch on a couple things.
Because after I found out about the organ donation thing, that was kind of a spiral, Ithink, for me that was like made me worse to where I still in my head, you know, and
(47:29):
here's another thing, you know, all the outsiders looking in love to make assumptions,love to tell their versions, love to just assume this happened and that happened.
thanks.
did social media wasn't around then?
Because the shit talk was insane.
And that's what like pissed me off most.
(47:51):
nobody knew the real story.
So it was he got hit by a cab, got ran over by the cab that I pushed him out or ourfriends pushed him out.
Like, don't you fucking idiots think that my best friend or his best friend since he wastwo years old would have been like, or she pushed him or you know, like
(48:17):
Hell yeah, he would have.
There's three people in the car The loss that Jay was to him was so sad.
I tried to stay in contact with him for many years after for Kenna, for the girls, becausehe was like a fixture in our home, like always.
(48:37):
That's how close they were, through college, everything.
And it got to a point to where I couldn't be around him anymore.
has never stopped grieving, like deeply.
But I get it.
I get it.
After I found that stuff out, even to go back a more with people with their shit talk, andthis is why I want people to know, you grieve however the hell you need to.
(49:09):
You go through whatever you need to go through, and you can't give a shit.
about what all these other people think because there's so much shit talk to the pointthat they were a detective comes to my house, like they're investigating it as a homicide.
(49:30):
Like, are you even in thankfully and I will forever be thankful to these guys.
The people in my corporate center, cause it was like, like everybody had like a suite inthe corporate center, you know, we all rented, but then there was like,
the corporate center part of it where you had like assistance if you wanted them, the mailand all those things.
One of them contacted attorneys that they know and thought that I might need help, know,whether it was to sue the cab company, whatever it was.
(50:00):
And one of the top criminal attorneys that were affiliated with these other attorneys, meand said, one person comes there,
You give them my number and if they're making this a homicide investigation or anythingelse, they can come through me.
And I'm 25.
I don't know, like what do they mean homicide?
(50:23):
But maybe I took it way harder than I should have because they're like, we have toinvestigate every possible whatever.
But just the way they, you know, I'm a young widow, you know, with these little kids andyou're telling me that it's a homicide investigation.
then I don't know what happened with that.
(50:43):
just like after, his name was Phil Corey, after he stepped in for even just a briefminute, I never heard another word about that.
But then people are like, he committed suicide.
He this, he that.
So now hearing all these people saying that my husband, this wonderful, amazing man whosent to me from God, you know, like because of all the shit I've been through in my life.
(51:11):
They're saying he committed suicide.
There's no fucking way.
So then I'm on a mission.
Out of my mind, medicated all the things on a mission now.
Thankfully, I had good friends too that were like, yeah, she's effing crazy right now, butwe're going to be alongside her while she does it.
And I had Jay's mom who would take the kids from me.
She just wanted me to be OK.
(51:33):
She knew I was not OK.
I was so truly out of my mind that all the things that people would say, I was like, oh,I'm proving this.
I know that he didn't jump out of there.
He would never commit suicide.
He loved us so much.
I mean, he just bought me a star in the sky at Christmas just a few days later called theBabydowel star.
(51:58):
And he loved us.
Everyone knew it kind of thing.
So here's me.
Okay, I'm gonna prove that he didn't at the all out.
So I go downtown, same bars, same clubs, same everything, weekend after weekend, Fridayand Saturday night, Friday and Saturday night, get shit face, the same shit face we all
(52:24):
were at the time.
I go in the cab, a van cab each time.
Now, my friends are all coming with me, you know, because they're like, what the?
I can only imagine what they were thinking at this point.
I would wait till the cab driver got at 60 miles an hour where they say he went out.
(52:47):
would watch the odometer thing.
Is that what it's called?
Spodometer.
Spodometer.
Yeah.
It's an odometer.
Whatever that damn thing's called, it tells you how
you're going.
I would watch till I got to 60.
I'd make sure I have my seatbelt on, right?
Because I'm still being safe.
I have my girls that I have, you know.
(53:09):
And I'd open that damn door at 60 miles an hour and watch the street going by and seeinghow fast it was.
How would he jump at 60 miles an hour?
He would know he wouldn't be okay.
Or why would he have thought that?
Or maybe do you look like you'd be okay?
So he thought he was just gonna jump out and whatever.
(53:32):
Time, I did that so I can't.
I honestly, I can tell you, I don't even remember what stopped me from doing that unlesssomething else clicked in my crazy head at that time.
there's just so many, like so many things that we'll share like on another episode that Iknow so many people can probably relate to.
And even the simple thing like I'd be at the corporate center, which is about
(53:56):
25 minutes or so from the cemetery, it was starting to get dark and I'd panic and I'dspeed to get to the cemetery because I was afraid that he would be upset if I didn't see
him every day.
God, there's so many things.
I'd go down that road, the cemetery and just taking a bunch of pills.
(54:16):
I still just wanted to be with him.
Yeah.
I think that that's probably.
a good place like to stop as far as my story because there's just so much after that.
But I think it's so important.
(54:37):
You know, one of the things that I remember most that was just so bizarre to me, you knowhow like when someone passes away and you're close to them, that there's so many people
around you and everybody wants to be there for you and they make promises and they say,we'll be there if you need anything, we'll be in it.
And then
(54:58):
the funeral happens.
One thing I could tell you about that too, I was still in such denial that even at thefuneral, like when they were putting him, they took, you they did a family side thing too
after, and they're like, well, we'll like put him down, you know, all those things.
(55:19):
I'm like, uh-uh.
I need to see him go down there because I don't even, I just still.
Yeah, yeah.
You're in disbelief.
Yeah.
And I mean, it was bitter cold and I don't wanna coat.
I didn't feel anything except that, except for every moment that was happening so deeply.
But I remember when that was over and I had to be with myself.
(55:45):
Holy shit, I couldn't go back to my house.
I had to have a lot of people even come to my house.
And it was weird.
know, a lot of people are like, I don't want to let go of his clothes.
I don't want to.
I want to still smell whatever was happening in my brain.
didn't want a single thing there.
(56:07):
Like it had to be gone because I would not make it.
I couldn't go back and see one single thing.
So I had really great friends.
But then I even made it to where it was like this creepy like.
So our wedding photographer, remember we just got married in October, like the end ofOctober.
He never even saw our wedding videos, our videos, our pictures, nothing.
(56:31):
So because they weren't done yet back in the day.
took a while.
So the, which those are people that I could say were absolutely amazing.
Probably totally all over the place right now.
But when he died at the funeral, like even we became friends with the people where we, andwe had a beautiful reception.
and stuff like at a high end, whatever, they like had everybody come back to their place,like after the funeral, like they invite everybody like no charge had had big beautiful
(57:00):
pictures of Jay like and the photographer made gigantic pictures for his funeral for likenow me, here's me.
I put those pictures all over.
I don't want any of his stuff there.
Now, this just doesn't even make sense, right?
I don't want any of his stuff there.
But.
I'm creating a whole house of a shrine.
(57:25):
Do you know what mean?
The big picture at the end of the stairs, candles all over.
Not weird, where I'm praising to.
Nothing crazy, but I needed my candles lit.
That was respect to him.
There's his big, beautiful picture.
Good God, there's just so much.
There's so much.
What do you wish you knew?
(57:49):
Like looking back, is there anything that you wish you knew or you would have donedifferently or somebody would have said or something they could have done to help you
better?
I wish that I would have.
have
someone to be relatable to.
(58:10):
You know what I mean?
I'm 25.
The one thing I can remember, and I'll never forget this lady, it was somebody that knewhis mom and dad, but I can picture her, she was a little bit older, probably like late
60s, maybe early 70s.
You know when the people come through and they say their goodbyes and you're like standingup there?
She whispers to me, honey, don't worry, I was a widow too, and you'll move on.
(58:35):
I was like,
us.
this lady, what, he's laying right there.
What the hell is going through your head?
Like, and what are you talking about?
Cause I'm just going to be with him.
Like, so for everyone to know, that's not a good thing to like say or don't say whenpeople say like time heals everything.
(58:57):
Well, I think in a sense it does, it makes it a little easier, but look, look at me.
This is 24 years.
You don't have a choice.
You know, like, I hated God.
That's a whole nother thing.
There was no way there was a God and he did this to me.
Why did he give me that love when I never had it?
(59:18):
Just to rip it?
Why did he let me do that for a few years and then take it away forever and now I have toremember it forever?
I mean, I didn't get remarried for 19 years.
But yeah, think it's like being, I felt so alone.
Like that there's no way on this planet that anyone even could begin to understand what Iwas going through.
(59:40):
Everybody just likes to judge everybody.
And I will say every single person grieves how they need to grieve.
And you know, I've seen so many things even with widows because they're moving on and theyhave kids or whatever.
What do you want her to do?
Wear black?
and sit and grieve forever.
(01:00:01):
Like, I don't think that their spouses that, man or woman, whether it's a widow or awidower, people need to stop fucking judging.
They need to stop judging until they are truly walking in those shoes.
Because I can tell you from the 9-11 thing where I was like, oh my God, I can never evenimagine.
I can never imagine what that feels like.
I don't want to.
(01:00:22):
It is 10 times as bad.
is what I ever imagined in my head at that time.
So until you walk it and live it, people need to mind their own freaking business and besupportive.
Like, let them know that it is wrong.
And you it's normal that crazy.
Yeah.
What?
Especially young widows.
Yeah.
Or I guess I shouldn't even say that because people that have been with people for 20, 25years and then the person's gone forever.
(01:00:50):
Right.
Like, yeah, I that I don't even I don't even say that stuff anymore.
can't imagine, like, I learned my lesson with that.
So I'm really like funny about saying that now.
Because I'm afraid if I put it out there in the first, like, I just don't.
having people to relate to.
And that's one of the reasons I wanted this to be talked about first.
(01:01:12):
there is a whole lot of a story, you know, of many different ways.
But as far as being a widow,
and burying your husband and then once the like show, that's what I always call it, likethe show is over and people say what they think they're supposed to say and make promises
that they think they're supposed to promise, like doing all those things that I can tellyou 95 % of those people never follow through and it is very lonely and you're lucky if
(01:01:44):
you do have people that support everything that you're going through.
I did have some people like that, but I didn't have family.
And I know there's a lot of people out there that don't have family to do that.
Yeah.
It was a very long time.
I used to even tell this story.
(01:02:04):
I used to tell this story like it wasn't even mine.
I probably looked like a lunatic.
Like, it wasn't even mine.
I had no emotion, no nothing.
That's why I'm even doing this today.
I was like, shit, what if I don't cry?
But what if I do cry?
Because everybody's so judgmental.
What if I cry too much?
They're going to think, I'm just trying to get attention.
What if I don't cry?
(01:02:24):
They're going to be like, she just doesn't give a shit.
Like, you can't win.
That's the bad thing about social media now.
There's good and bad, but I can only imagine the stuff that would have been out there if,thank God, the news didn't get it either.
It's just.
People need to have more empathy.
(01:02:44):
I was gonna say, it's so sad that you people are even out there critiquing your grief.
Like that's a threat that that's a reality for so many.
I know it is sad.
It's so sad.
And I lived it.
I know.
But one thing that has taught me, I probably back then, I mean, I was a lot younger.
(01:03:05):
I probably used to be a lot more judgmental.
And I would say, my God, I can't believe she's doing that.
my God, I can't believe he would do that.
But who am I?
Who am I to even say that?
Because I have no clue what they're going through.
And people don't always share those things.
People have horrible childhood, all the things that are still haunting them every day.
(01:03:27):
And people want to just criticize them instead of saying, what happened?
What happened to you?
I think people would rather hear someone say, what happened to you or what's been goingon?
Is everything OK?
and truly meaning it, than just going, that's what she did.
You know, like it's really disheartening.
Well, and it's the whole thing you mentioned it.
(01:03:49):
It's not even until you walk a mile in their shoes.
It's literally until you've walked every single step.
Yes.
Yes.
Like you really don't know.
Yes.
So in the meantime, just be curious and have empathy.
Well, and I can tell you from just interviewing people from behind the monsters.
(01:04:09):
The stories and the hurt and the pain and all the things that I've already witnessed frompeople, like even most of them, the first time they're telling their story, I don't know,
it does something to my heart where I'm like, God, all these people are walking aroundwith so much pain.
And do their actions match that?
(01:04:29):
Do they act out?
they, like, to where I was almost nervous to even tell mine because I'm like,
Well, maybe mine's not as bad as that person's.
You know, it's just the whole imposter.
you know, you just, we get in our heads.
There's a girl on, she's actually gonna come on the podcast.
(01:04:51):
I talked to her, her name's Whitney.
She's written a book and everything, but her husband was a police officer, a canine policeofficer.
And he got stung.
had two little, she had one little boy and she was pregnant.
And she, her husband got stung by a bee and had the whole whatever, he was allergic.
(01:05:12):
So he was on life support, all these things like for a long time.
And she's pregnant, so she's pregnant.
Going into intensive care, non-responsive, all the things you could imagine.
And she has a toddler.
Well, they ended up finding out some other tests happened with him to where like part oflike his brain was actually gone.
(01:05:33):
Like to where there wasn't a chance that he was gonna recover.
So she then had to make the, you they made the decision to take him off life support.
so four or five, I don't quote me on that, four or five months, I think they dealt withhim being, she had her baby by herself, everything, the baby there, laying the baby on
him.
So she'd already been grieving.
(01:05:53):
She already knows he's gonna die, which is different too, you know?
So she's got four or five months and a newborn and just, but.
and she's got like 200 and some thousand followers.
And some of the people, now she did, she was an attorney, quit work, doing all thesethings, she met someone.
(01:06:13):
And it had only been like not even a year or whatever, she met someone that was so lovingand so good to her and her boys and taking on all that, he didn't have kids, and they just
recently got married.
And it had only been like a little over a year or whatever.
But the way people talk shit to her,
is insane.
maybe that's just how she, but she still talks about him.
(01:06:37):
Like on a regular basis and he's supportive of that and all the things, but people want tobe like, oh, what's wrong with you?
Cause you moved on and you let her, let her read the way she needs to know your business.
Like, yeah.
And she has a life to live.
And her kids deserve that.
And it's not like she just said, Oh, my husband passed away and she talks about itconstantly.
(01:07:00):
to the boys, and she's thankful for this new guy, his family even accepts her and herkids.
And they're religious and just, they're just all good people.
But it's just sad, because she'll post that a lot.
And I asked her to come on, because that's the experience you get.
(01:07:22):
Every action you take after you're a widow or a widower, everybody judges.
Gosh.
Yeah.
I've never heard somebody talk about that.
So I think that's powerful in and of itself that you're bringing that up.
Yeah, she's been through it.
Like that.
like she could put the most positive shit out there, but there's still people that wouldbe like, just judging.
(01:07:44):
Judging.
So our world needs a lot less of that.
Oh, God, don't we know?
All right, I think we should leave it at that.
What do you think?
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
I know my blood pressure is high, but I wanted people to understand.
And I also didn't want I wanted to connect with people a little bit to where I'm like mydaughter said I'm always just saying well I haven't told my story yet so I just wanted to
(01:08:08):
give a piece of it.
There's a reason why you're doing this.
Yes.
Yes.
So maybe they can relate to me a little bit and know that I have a purpose and why we'redoing this because every everybody has a story.
Yeah.
You know.
All right.
I we're good.
Thank you for doing this.
I'm honored.
I'm honored to listen.
OK.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
(01:08:29):
you
Welcome back to Beyond the Monsters.
And today's going to be a little different because I have my friend, Melissa here.
She has become a dear friend of mine.
know, my daughter, Kenna, who does all of our editing, you know, she just had said to methe other day, she's like, mom, you keep saying you haven't told your story yet with other
(00:23):
people.
And maybe I needed to share a little bit.
So.
I chose Melissa also because she is someone who did constellation with me.
Gosh, it was probably what?
Like two months ago-ish?
And you know, that's all about generational trauma and trying to piece things togetherwith all of that and how you can try to heal from it.
(00:49):
And Melissa ended up being me, representing me.
So it was just like a different kind of bond, you know.
Melissa knows different traumas that I've been through just briefly, right?
mean, and we've we're we're becoming really good friends, but I just I don't share a lotof that stuff.
(01:09):
And today, I think, you know, I want to share when I became a widow and like, good.
And I have no idea how my emotions are going to be today.
I'm like, maybe I won't cry at all.
Maybe I'll cry too much.
So we're just gonna kind of wing it and have a conversation, right?
Like just because this is tough and it was, this happened back in 2001.
(01:34):
So we're talking 24 years ago.
So what I think I'll start with is just talking about my first husband, Jay.
(01:57):
in my life, I had been through a lot, as a teenager, group homes, foster homes, rape,abuse, sexual assault, everything you can think of.
I trusted no one.
I didn't have a good family.
Everything you can imagine happens in foster homes and group homes.
(02:17):
I was.
Briefly, I'll tell you know that I was on my own at 17.
I had my first daughter when I was 18.
Got myself into of course a domestic violence type relationship.
You know when she was a baby not not even her father, but you know it's to me that stuffwas normal and that's what I knew and you know you think you can fix everybody and even at
(02:42):
a young age.
That's where I found myself between like 18 and 20.
years old and you know was in nursing school just trying to make it trying to live my lifeand I don't know all of our friends we used to all go downtown downtown Cleveland you know
we were the people that were at the clubs all the time no mind you I shouldn't have been Ihad a you know a little one but you know I had my babysitters that would come over we'd go
(03:11):
out and you know we were those people that we didn't have to wait in line at the clubsbecause we knew the owners and
We were too well known in the partying scene.
And that's, you know, when I was 21, that's when I met my first husband, Jason.
And like the first time that I saw him, we were all out.
had mutual friends and I remember meeting him.
(03:35):
And then it was kind of like, oh, he was cool, whatever.
And then a couple of weeks later, we were all downtown again and I saw him at the sameclub.
And I was like,
and probably I had been drinking probably everyone was and I was like, what's your nameagain?
And he was kind of kind of offended, but like being funny.
(03:56):
And he's like, Fred Flintstone and me.
I'm like, okay, well, I'm Wilma, let's go dance kind of thing.
And it just went from there and we were always together and things moved really quickly.
But I put him through absolute hell.
Now, mind you,
(04:17):
I didn't know what love was.
I've never had anyone love me.
Like not a parent, not a relative, like to where I felt someone loved me.
So he was so great and so amazing that in my mind, there's no way he was real.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, so- How old is Chelsea this time?
(04:40):
Chelsea is three, going on three.
Three years old.
Now, and her dad wasn't like, she wasn't involved like with him or whatever.
Jason was amazing with her like right away.
Like it was like, you would have thought he was, you know, her dad and he treated her likehis daughter.
And she was a little shit too.
And so for me, I was like, my God, like this guy is so amazing.
(05:03):
He's like, God must have finally listened.
That was my thing.
It was like he found and.
He gave good And
But I put him through hell, like literally where I tell you, like, because I was a mentalcase.
(05:29):
Like I, you know, I just was, I didn't know how to regulate emotions.
I had severe depression.
I had all the things you could imagine.
And I would literally at different times, because he seemed too good.
And before he could hurt me, I literally no joke, I would throw his shit out the windows,all his clothes.
be like, you're not even real, just go.
(05:49):
Just go now.
This isn't real.
But he would literally sit in front of me and say, go ahead, throw your fits.
As much as you need to, do whatever you need to do.
I'm still gonna be right here.
You're not pushing me away.
So he knew that was a protective.
Yes.
And now mind you, he came from the little fairy tale kind of life.
(06:11):
What would I use to always say?
They were like.
I don't know, one of those families, like when we were younger, we used to see on TV andthey're all, everybody's like perfect.
You have the mom, you have the dad, you have this.
And he was like an oops baby.
So he was born later in their life.
So his parents were already in what their sixties-ish?
(06:33):
Yeah, like sixties, late sixties when I started dating him.
And they were very wonderful to me too.
So for me, I'm like, there is no way.
It's just not, it's not even possible.
Long story short to go forward a little bit, we got engaged pretty quick.
We weren't even together like a year.
We had already tried to have a baby, like even before that.
(06:54):
And I ended up with a tube of pregnancy, which ended up rupturing because the firstsurgery I had, didn't get, they were twins.
And they didn't get all kept growing after the first surgery.
And we went through all that together.
then they actually, during that time, the doctor had put like,
(07:14):
poked holes in my right ovary that I had left because we knew we wanted to have a baby.
We didn't care about, we gotta get married, the traditional stuff, because my life was farfrom traditional.
And so we tried again right away, like a month later, and got pregnant with my youngestdaughter, Kenna, who is now 23, going on 24.
So this is like 2001.
(07:37):
She's born in 2001, June of 2001, and we...
Life is good, we've started a staffing agency for nurses together.
have over 100 employees.
We're just rocking it.
Life is like, it can't get better than that, like for what I had already been through.
And so she's born in June of 01, then September 11th happens.
(08:07):
obviously everyone knows you remember where you were, what happened, what you thought, whowas where, and were your people around you.
And I remember going to get Chelsea at school right away because I was just panicking.
I was panicking.
And I remember, and I'm postpartum and I have postpartum depression really bad.
(08:27):
Like severely to where it was bad.
That's a whole nother thing.
But he was always so good.
So I'm here like that stability was always there with him, something I was never used to.
No matter.
even I still kept poke, poke, poke.
Right.
You know, and we had been engaged even when kind of was born.
(08:49):
9-11 happens.
I can remember like sitting on the couch with him.
We were actually kind of like we had an L shaped couch.
We were laying on the couch and he was on one side.
I was on the other side.
And, you know, Chelsea was little.
We had a baby thinking.
my God, you know how you would watch the people on there and they're like talking abouttheir loved ones that died and like, and I remember saying, I remember feeling like so
(09:17):
deep, so deep that I can't imagine ever feeling like that.
I can't imagine losing a spouse, losing a child, like God, these poor people, like I can'teven imagine that.
So September 11th happens.
Then we have our big wedding, October 27th.
just following that.
(09:38):
Now, so we had a beautiful wedding, everything was beautiful, everything was perfect.
know, both the girls weren't, was just perfect, it was perfect.
So that's October 27th.
And now let's just skip ahead to like Christmas time.
Where everybody's like planning for New Year's though, right?
Me, I'm paranoid, uh-uh.
(09:59):
We have a newborn baby, like she's in December, she's only six months old.
So we had a six month old and a six year old.
And I'm like, oh hell no, we're not going out for New Year's.
There is no way they're going to bomb all of Cleveland.
Like, you know, just all these things are like going through my head.
Yeah.
And the kids, they're not going to have anybody.
So everybody was pressuring us like and giving us shit for not going out for New Year's.
(10:23):
on December 28th, we decide to, everyone's going to go out like our old weekend kind ofthing, how we'd go out on a Saturday night.
I remember that day, it was December 28th, and I remember the day, like I was fine with,okay, let's all go out.
We haven't done anything fun.
I remember holding Kenna and we're laying on the couch and I said, I don't think we shouldgo out tonight.
(10:48):
And he's like, and he used to me Baby Doll.
That was like his name for me.
He's like, Baby Doll, just stop.
You're being silly.
Everything's gonna be fine.
No, we need to go out and have some fun for once.
You haven't done anything.
I'm like, I don't know.
And I kept saying, I don't know.
I don't think we should.
I really don't.
So he kept encouraging me.
(11:09):
I just finally, remember Chelsea was at her.
That was one of the few times she was at her father's house, her biological father'shouse.
And I remember him like this.
remember like it was yesterday.
It was 24 years ago.
He brought Kenna.
I was getting ready.
He brought Kenna into me he's like, oh, look at our baby girl.
(11:31):
give her a kiss and I was like, bye baby.
He was taking her to his mom's just to spend the night just because we were going out.
And our house was always like the place where everybody came back to afterwards.
Well, I'll go out.
and we go to like TGI Fridays in Westlake, Ohio.
(11:51):
And now a lot of our friends are out, everybody's getting appetizers, everybody's startingto drink, it's only like 5.30.
Okay, so we're drinking chocolate martinis and just whatever, just, and now mind you,we're taking cabs when we go, because we don't absolutely under no circumstances did we
ever drink and drive because I was like the only individual in my entire family that neverhad a DUI.
(12:12):
So it was just something I was,
always fully against.
So doing the responsible thing.
We're all out, we're having fun.
I'm dancing, know, doing all the things when you're what, 24, 25.
And he was, he was 28, I was 25.
Now, and to go back a little bit, we were gonna go out that night because we weren't goingout New Year's and the following year we were going to expand our business, you know, and
(12:39):
grow and we wanted to have another baby right away.
So,
because we just wanted kids, wanted a big family.
so that night we're all out.
It's his best friend that he's known since he was two years old.
They argued all their life over who was Batman number one and Batman number two.
It's like a running joke.
(13:00):
We had a Batman statue at our wedding and ice statue at Ice Sculpture.
And we're all out and I had a boyfriend
that was like a downtown kind of person too, that was before Jay.
Just like when I would break up with the other one who was the domestic violence, totallyabusive, all the things.
(13:23):
Just a guy that I had dated for a minute, but he would always kind of starch it, like whenhe would see us.
And he kept going by us and he grabbed my butt when we were all out on the dance floor.
That night?
Yeah, this night.
God, holy shit, like that was it.
(13:45):
Like Jay had just had enough.
And he now to know him, you would have thought he's the coolest guy.
He doesn't like start shit like he did in college and stuff they got in their littledrunken fights.
Right.
But now my one of my best friends, too.
you haven't met her yet.
Jen, one of my best friends, Jen, too.
(14:06):
And his best friend since he was two and a bunch of our other friends.
But like Jen, Jay.
John and I, the two best friends, we're all like riding together.
So those two though are getting in a huge brawl.
everybody, I'm like pissed now, you know?
Now mind you, this is like 1.32 in the morning.
(14:27):
We've been drinking since 5.30, right?
Everyone's been drinking since 5.30.
So.
You can say we were all shit faced, right?
So they're fighting.
I'm so pissed.
And we knew the owners of the club.
they're fighting.
The DJ bottles are being thrown.
Because everybody thinks they're getting in on it.
(14:49):
So I'm pissed at this point.
Like I'm leaving.
So I grab my friends and I'm like, no, I'm leaving.
They can ride in their own cab.
They can do whatever.
We have too much to lose.
We just have be like.
Somehow I was thinking about those things, even though we had all been drinking.
But I was pissed at him.
To me, that was ignorant.
Why are you gonna risk everything we have over this idiot guy?
(15:12):
So there was a, do we have paninis here?
Do know what paninis is?
Okay, so paninis is all over Ohio, Cleveland, and it's like, there was a paninis rightnext to the clubs where you can get the big sandwiches with fries on them.
It was like the place everybody went after you've been drinking.
So it was right next door and I went in there for a minute and I told you, maybe let's getsomething to eat and see where they are.
(15:37):
So they were taking forever and I was just super annoyed.
I'm like, let's go.
I'm getting a cab, let's go.
So now we're getting into the van, I don't know if you remember the van taxis, they werejust, they'd say taxi on them.
Cause we're going back, what, 24 years.
No Uber, no, there's nothing like even thought of yet.
(16:00):
I open the van door and I'm going to get in the cab and Jen gets in too.
Then they're trying to get in.
I'm like, no, I get back out.
I'm like, you guys go, you're idiots.
You guys go in the other one.
So Jen ends up, from what I remember, like Jen ends up like saying, oh, let's just allride together, just whatever.
Now I'm still pissed.
I'm so pissed at him that they got in a fight.
(16:22):
so now if you can imagine, if you can picture it, it's a van taxi.
You know, they have a passenger seat and then there's a bench seat in the middle and thenthere's one in the back.
Now, Jen and John, our best friends, are in the back.
Okay.
Okay.
And Jay and I are in the middle.
I'm pissed, but I'm still sitting in the middle of the seat.
(16:42):
Sure.
He's sitting on the end.
Okay.
You know, towards this, there's a sliding door.
You know, that sliding door.
So Jen and John.
are back there and she's yelling at him like, you're an idiot.
Cause everybody's friends, know, and they're not together.
They're not in a relationship, but they're just, she's like yelling at him like, you know,she should.
(17:05):
The part in, I have a lot of pieces to this.
At first, for the longest time, I didn't remember a lot of this.
But I'm sitting in the middle.
Jay is still, which is completely out of character for him, to ever argue with me.
It was literally like, okay, even if I would argue, it was hard to get him to argue back.
(17:29):
We are going back forth.
I'm like, you're stupid, this is stupid.
I can't believe you're so ignorant.
And I was pissed out.
saying shit that I shouldn't be saying.
At one point he said, and I do remember this clearly, he said, why don't you just, theguy's name was Frank, why don't you just go fuck Frank?
And I was like, whoa, like, because he didn't, he never talked to me like that.
(17:50):
And I'm like, he'd been drinking all this time, everybody's mad, totally out of character.
And I remember just looking over here and go, maybe I will.
And then I turned like this way, and I'm looking out the window.
So I'm still in the middle, still have my seatbelt on and everything, but I'm turned tolook out the window.
He's still sitting here and I remember hearing him say, like, let me out of the fuckingcab, talking to the non-English speaking driver.
(18:21):
And we're going, I mean, know this now, because I know the story, we're going 60 miles anhour on the highway, going home, being responsible, taking the cab, going home.
I heard him say it and I heard him say it again and I'm like, oh God, whatever.
Like you're really gonna get out of the cab and you're gonna want me to chase you and youknow, whatever.
(18:43):
Like you're being a baby kind of thing.
Which I mean, it wasn't nice, but that's what I meant like at the time, because it wasjust stupid.
The next moments, I don't recall 100 % except for my best friend screaming behind me.
(19:04):
my God, my God, and she's pulling me.
And so, and I'm mad, I'm being, looking out the window, whatever, and I look this waywhere the sliding door is, and the door's wide open and he's gone.
Like.
And I remember like right away I looked in the back window and saw everything thathappened on the road.
(19:28):
So now at this point, like he was just rolling across the highway.
The car's still moving.
We're still, we're still.
Full speed.
At this point, I'm screaming.
At one point, I even hit the driver saying, stop the fucking cab.
Stop the cab.
And they think, based on what everyone has said, I vaguely remember this moment, but Iremember like.
(19:57):
holding on to the open door, the sides, for him to slow down enough for me to jump out toget to him.
So they think that I jumped out myself.
Now, just to give you a little bit of the picture too, now at this point, and I had lostall my baby weight.
I was feeling myself that night, had a short skirt on, It's probably 20 degrees out too,but I had boots on.
(20:20):
But we were tired from dancing.
I didn't have my boots on, I was barefoot now with a skirt on and a tank top.
I jumped out, they said like a 30 miles an hour to get to him and just fell forward like,you know, however I fell like it was just like forward and I was able to catch myself and
(20:41):
I just started running.
Like it was pitch dark too.
There's no car, there's not a lot of cars.
Are you on a highway?
Yep, on the highway, but this is still country.
So it's not really like lit.
Like you look out here and you you see different lights.
It wasn't like that.
It was like when it was dark like that, you would basically see the light because of othercars.
(21:02):
right.
So I'm running.
I'm Now, pieces of this have come back to me, you know, over the years and just whateveryour brain does to protect you.
I fully remember.
Like not feeling my body and running as fast as I could, but
(21:24):
It was weird because I had like
was seeing his life.
I can't even explain it to you.
It wouldn't even make sense.
And I got to him and his body was right on the white line.
So thank God in my head I'm going, okay thank God no cars can run him over.
(21:45):
And he was like, I mean he was like five, 10, 200 pounds or whatever.
So it's not like I could have moved him or anything.
It is pitch dark, I can't see.
my friends are still, I think, in the cab.
And I remember as I'm running, I was looking for my phone, but that I really have anyclothes on.
(22:05):
I mean, I had clothes on, but not anything where you gotta put a phone.
And then I remembered, shit, our business phone and our personal phone are in, and this islike flip phone, kind of.
They're in his jacket, his leather jacket he had on.
So by the time I get to him,
I can't really see, I'm checking, doing my medical, normal medical thing.
(22:28):
And it was like, it wasn't even my story.
I don't even know what mode, and this has happened to me many times when it comes to firstresponding kind of things.
It's like out of body, I just do what I need to do.
I couldn't see him, I knew he wasn't breathing.
So I start CPR, but I have no phone.
(22:50):
So I see, but I see, I'm starting CPR.
I see Jen and John running towards me and I can see it because the cab driver is finallybacking up.
So I have his light.
This guy was a complete idiot or he just totally did not understand English.
I don't know.
I really don't have a clue.
So they're coming back.
(23:11):
I'm already starting CPR.
They're so out of their mind, understandably, hysterical.
Running towards me and I'm like, call 911, call 911.
I'm already doing CPR.
on him.
Still can't really see that much.
I can see his like not really even his face, but like I know he's there.
I'm feeling they're coming and I'm telling him to call 911 and they're so fuckinghysterical that they can't even talk to 911.
(23:43):
So now I'm like, give me give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Now I have 911 on here on my thing.
And I'm still trying to do CPR.
and give breaths and do all these things.
for full.
minutes.
42 minutes.
Thanks
(24:03):
because they dispatched the wrong amp-
in the wrong county into the wrong place.
So it was like 42 ish.
And during this time, the ambulance is coming.
I remember seeing the ambulance
my left.
(24:24):
And there was one point that he blew my cheeks out, like blew a breath back.
I'm like, oh, thank God.
And you can even hear me like on the 911 call where I'm like, oh God.
Yeah, I think he's breathing.
Right.
So ambulances come back, you know, backing up.
(24:46):
I remember hearing that like a beep beep sound when when they're backing up and the, Isee.
And then I see all.
blood that I didn't see.
His head.
So he fell out.
He went out.
he, and in my mind, I'm still thinking, there's no jump out of that.
(25:09):
He fell.
must've, you know, so all this stuff's going through my head.
And then I'm thinking he's going to live because he blew my cheeks out.
But then I see.
Whoops, because I'm cold.
All the blood.
And his jacket was like turned, like he was kind of laying on his jacket and then I couldsee part of the back of his head.
(25:42):
When I saw that it was on me, like I had.
Or that time.
They were starting to work on him.
Everything got him in the back of the ambulance.
And they weren't going to let me go at first.
So here's me.
(26:02):
I'm like, I'm a medical professional.
And I'm the one that's been here doing CPR on him for however long I've been out here.
And it was like they were trying to intubate him and couldn't.
And I just remember like.
there was like blood coming out of his ears, his mouth, like everything.
And I was just like talking to him and being like, you cannot leave me.
(26:25):
Like you cannot leave me here.
we get to the hospital.
the hospital.
They took him, I was not allowed back.
rushed him back.
Now I don't know what my.
(26:46):
it at this point because.
Even looking back, it was like so surreal.
So where I came out like after a few minutes I'm like okay he's got
okay like it I'm just saying he's gonna be okay there his rings that he had on like hisand his other ring because they said well he's and you know we still need to run a lot of
(27:08):
tests and he's you know I and they told me that I should call people and I'm like well Idon't want to
Worry anyone like I don't want to worry like his parents or like our friends our friendsthat are already here To them later.
They're like you need to call his parents So I can still remember He teeny tiny littleroom and the teachers were really really well, maybe they were
(27:39):
really small, but that's like what that felt like to me.
There was a desk, like a tiny little end table.
And then there was, you know, one of the old fashioned like phones.
And I remember calling his mom and I said that there was like an accident.
Like he's gonna be fine, but you probably don't even really need to come.
(28:03):
kind of thing, you know, you don't have to cum.
But you can't remember any other thing other than her.
I remember them taking us, then they told us we had to go.
upstairs to the ICU.
(28:25):
So by now, by this time, friends have called friends.
It's three o'clock, three something in the morning.
So now the waiting room is filled with our friends by the ICU.
the neurologist came out.
Now, I, I always remember I have his rings, like that's all I'm holding.
(28:46):
And I'm praying and I'm
I ain't gonna praying and praying and begging and...
you know, everything you could think of like, I am to like negotiate with God and I'll dothis and I, you live, but I don't even care.
I don't care if I had to take care of the rest of my life.
I don't care if I have to sacrifice everything, just let him and let him have, I don'twant to and not be with it.
(29:12):
And.
I remember they were saying like it's not good.
You know, I'm like, what do you mean?
I like him?
Well, no.
not yet, because there's the neurologist is with him and they're doing some tests.
I remember standing by the.
(29:35):
entry to the waiting room and everybody's like there.
couldn't even tell you who, but I just remember looking, you know, and now I can't tellyou who was all there.
but...
The neurologist then came and asked if he could speak to me.
And I'm like, okay, know, is he okay?
(29:57):
And he looked at me and he said, I hate to tell you this, and this is devastating for meto.
his brain dead.
You know, and he's not, can't live, you can't, you know.
We could take him off life support, he's on life support, blah, blah, blah.
(30:19):
to where I didn't even have the option to leave him on life.
There wasn't even a 1 % chance.
He had like a movement.
like if it's the arm or something like in either CAT scan or MRI that.
the neurologist was doing further testing just to see if there was any kind of activity.
(30:44):
Yeah.
I didn't believe it.
like, I don't believe it.
I want a second opinion.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Sure.
Come to find out he's a very well-respected neurologist, know, like a neurosurgeon, allthe things.
Like, I don't care.
Bring someone else here because you're wrong.
You're wrong.
I'm 25.
Right now I'm like and at this point I wasn't even thinking about my kids or it was justlike so that that that happens another neurologist comes in and they give a second opinion
(31:16):
and they're like Like basically Tommy.
I don't even have a I'm like I want he can stay on life support He will make it likethey're just now now I've went back to see him like people
I might be getting that mixed up.
I don't remember if I, if I, I had already went back to see him like a couple of times andhe was like laying in ICU, you know, in the bed.
(31:42):
And I remember like there being a warming blanket, like a puffy, kind of like a, what docall those things you lay on the damn water?
I can't even think right now.
Not a float, but you know, you know what I'm talking about?
It's like,
Like a raft?
Like a raft.
Yes, yes, yes.
Good God.
(32:02):
So there's that underneath his blankets and everything now.
And his eye, like his whole eye socket, everything was like gigantic.
But they keep telling me he just hit the back of his head.
like, well, maybe maybe he hit there first.
But I guess it's just pressure because he smacked the back of his head.
(32:26):
And I remember just looking at him and now they're still, and they've done surgeries tooin this time to try to stop the bleeding and the swelling and blood still coming out of
his ears, his eye now a little bit, his nose.
And I was just sitting there talking right by his ear.
(32:47):
I remember the pillow was right there, but there was blood on the pillow.
And I'm like, okay, can you just?
fucking wake up.
Like you are not leaving me here.
you're not leaving me.
And then then they started letting friends like come.
I was sitting at the end.
(33:08):
Just remember like looking at his foot for whatever reason, a little like mole on his footthat my baby, my little baby ended up.
to.
And I remember I just kept trying to like tickle the bottom of his feet.
I'm like, I like it.
There's no way.
It feels them.
And when they came back in, told me.
(33:29):
You know, there's zero percent chance.
We cannot leave him life support because there's a zero percent chance.
We really should talk about organ.
donation.
What?
fuck do you people mean organ donor he's not gonna not he's not gonna die it's still notlike registering I did pass out the second time I guess I don't remember that I've just
(33:54):
been told that
you know, friends are coming in, you
saying goodbye.
to him and...
when it was time, well, so.
We go to the organ donation thing.
We're talking.
I remember his mom and dad are there too.
And I wouldn't even know who else because I felt
(34:16):
so bad for his mother.
And I'm like, I don't have to just make this decision.
She's like, no, he loved you more than life and this is your decision.
and I wanted to donate everything.
but his eyes for whatever I was 20.
I was just like, would be weird to look into someone's, or talk about you get to meet therecipient.
(34:42):
And so.
Also, they would have his like beautiful.
blue eyes was just weird to me.
Like I couldn't even wrap my head around that.
I, and he was a very healthy 28 year old guy, like always worked out in the, you know, Idon't know.
was just, that's not what I could do, but I was happy that he would be able to help otherpeople.
(35:06):
Cause I knew that.
would want that.
So that happened, that occurred.
And every time I kept going to the bathroom, I kept feeling, and I still had the rings inmy hand, like I would not let go of these rings, I wouldn't put them down for anything,
not even to wash my hand, nothing.
Because if I hold out these, God's gonna let him live.
(35:28):
He's gonna let him live and let me take care of him.
just didn't happen.
they told me, know, it's 11 in the morning now.
They say that it's
know, us to go home.
(35:49):
And I just didn't want to leave him there.
Because they said, you know, the transplant team has to like step in and, you know, theyhave to do testing and all the things.
Well, it was like a whole scene, I guess.
I barely remember this, but like they literally had to physically take me out of therebecause I went like,
(36:19):
I do remember driving home to his, or driving home to his mom's house on the way there.
And it was just the most surreal thing ever.
So we get there to his mom's and I just like want to go lay in his bed.
(36:45):
an obnoxious old waterbed that he loved that was still in his butt.
He had pictures with bodybuilders, the shows that he had been to and stuff.
And Ken is there though.
(37:06):
Okay.
I didn't even, like, I couldn't even look at her.
Because she was like a spitting image to him and he loved her so much.
That feeling I remember so deep.
And then I felt like, that's my baby.
(37:29):
So hard for me to physically hold her or look at her.
Where you'd think most the that such a connection wasn't for me right then.
I remember Chelsea had to come home or come to his mom's house.
(37:51):
Chelsea, my oldest.
So she's six right now and he's all really like to her, that's still her.
She calls him dad, it's still her thing.
Okay.
you know, to call him dad even though she had this whatever, he was like a part time,yeah.
I remember them going to get her at the top of the street from picking him up and her likewalking in and I was sitting on the stairs like to go upstairs to his room and I was
(38:20):
sitting on like the second or third stair.
And she,
She was just like, look at me, and all these people are in the house, like so confused.
and just having to tell her was like the most gut wrenching thing ever.
I didn't know what to say and I had no...
guiding me.
(38:40):
Do you know what I mean?
Like, it's not like I had like these love parents who are like, let us be with you.
and I felt so horrible even after his to like, his mom was the most loving thing ever.
That was her baby.
I can't ask her to tell the kid.
(39:01):
And she, now with Kenna, that was right there with her.
Like, was a for her.
Chelsea was so confused and then you know I said well he's everywhere I don't even knowwhat the hell I was saying or why I was saying it at that point.
So then all the rest of the
(39:23):
she kept asking me like, is that him?
Is that him?
Like a butterfly, an ant, a bird in the tree.
Like I just felt like I was fully losing my mind.
I'm just laying on the couch.
in their couch, like, they had like a sitting room thing.
I was laying on the couch and.
still just
numb or whatever the things are that you feel like it can't be real.
(39:47):
And I get a call, there's still a lot of people there.
And I get a call from the hospital.
And they're like, does Rodford, we needed to give you a call here and let you know that wehave taken him off life support.
But we were not able to donate his organ.
(40:08):
And I'm like, wait, what?
Like that was the only thing in my mind that could have been a positive in any waywhatsoever.
And they're like, he he tested positive for hepatitis A or hepatitis C hepatitis C.
I'm like, that's not possible.
(40:29):
Like I just had a baby.
We're together 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Like he doesn't use needles.
Nothing like he does not have this.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
I said, there's no way that's not even possible.
Well, we have taken him off life.
It's like they weren't even listening to me.
We have taken him off life support.
And then I can't remember any any of the other stuff on there.
(40:52):
Now, I'm just in disbelief.
Like, there's no way this is not even possible.
Why are they even saying this?
And why are they saying this about about him?
And in my mind, I was just thinking it was like bad, like drug users or what?
Because that's all that was going through.
So he died in December, early morning, December 29th.
So things are kind of like, you know, backed up and they're waiting to let for New Year's.
(41:19):
So, you know, I had to go to the funeral home, do all those things, which is...
And again, at that time, I was all about me, but I kept feeling so bad for his mom becausethat was her baby.
and
And then they're wanting me to pick out this cat.
(41:40):
in for for what truly
of my mind.
And I was heavily medicated now by this time.
So that's probably why I only remember pieces.
He, I remember New Year's.
(42:01):
How people.
going out for New Year's?
People that weren't even.
to me, you know, or wouldn't be affected.
buy this but how are these people living like what what are they why is everybody for NewYear's and how how can they or even like some people that we did know of you know I knew
that they were like going out and I'm like fuck it's wrong with you people like because mywhole world was done it was done like I didn't want to live I had kids I didn't want to
(42:31):
live I just wanted to be with him right like even by getting his plot
Someone that that I knew through someone I honestly don't even remember who it was.
They actually had a plot in the cemetery where it was for two people like it like in thecement in the ground and I'm like, well, that's what I need because I'm going to be right
(42:56):
above him, you know, like.
It's so hard describing it.
That's why I think even like this stuff is close to here.
I didn't have that.
Sure.
20 some years ago, I feel like, holy shit, this has never happened to anybody else.
Right.
You know what?
I don't have anyone.
(43:17):
And I wasn't even thinking I didn't have anyone to relate to.
But now, yeah, I wish I would have just because I think it would have helped me thatyou're not fucking crazy.
You're OK.
OK.
I feel like you want to die.
It's OK.
All those things.
That's all.
so normal, because you truly feel like you're
going crazy.
(43:37):
Like I was such a case of this.
Like I tried to the casket with.
him.
Like in front of people, like everything.
Because I truly just wanted to be with him.
I I'm like, even.
(44:00):
You know, we had employees, I had whole business.
know, and we did that together.
But,
It was like two day.
So like, no, it was actually one day, like the 30th.
I still had like 100 employees to pay.
I went into our office at the corporate center that I shared with him.
And like in my mind, OK, that's his desk.
(44:23):
I still what things would sometimes register and then not others.
I'm like, why have to pay all my employees?
They need their checks.
It was only like a day.
And it's still not registering like that.
He's never coming back kind of thing.
I will say on the.
when it comes to the...
(44:46):
the organ donation though.
Now I had a lot of people that were wonderful and came and I'm like I can't keep, let'ssay a couple weeks, just a couple weeks past now.
I,
I wanted to change our suite in the corporate center because I'm like, can't keep goinghere because now kind of would always be with us too.
(45:06):
Like because she was just a baby.
it was always, that was our route.
like every day going there and doing these things and working.
And I just, sometimes I would be back to reality and it was just, it was too hard for me.
So everybody came and helped me move, moved my thing.
I get a call from the hospital.
And now mind you, I'm still, so many different things are going through my head.
(45:31):
I can't even explain, but I still constantly think about the organ donation thing.
Like we don't have anything, my kids don't have anything to like positive, to...
to meet these people or know that he did something so amazing.
They call me from the hospital.
Mrs.
Riperd?
Yes.
We are actually calling you to let you know that the tests from your husband'sinflammation and the hepatitis, there was a mistake.
(46:05):
And I said, yeah, there was a mistake.
I tried telling you guys that.
She said it was a clinical error and they messed up his test with another person's test.
Wow.
I don't even know.
Like what happened inside?
I mean, can still remember this to this.
I destroyed my entire suite.
Like I was just pissed and angry, like all kinds of crying, bawling, like everybody'scoming to see what's going on and like.
(46:36):
that it was all like wasted.
You know, like that.
That was tough.
Okay, I feel like there's just so much, there's so much to like touch on and it's like soimportant.
For me, other widows out there, people that lose someone close to them, that they don'thave to feel crazy.
(47:02):
You don't, yeah.
And you do feel so alone.
And there's so much I can share of my after, my craziness after.
But we'll just touch on a couple things.
Because after I found out about the organ donation thing, that was kind of a spiral, Ithink, for me that was like made me worse to where I still in my head, you know, and
(47:29):
here's another thing, you know, all the outsiders looking in love to make assumptions,love to tell their versions, love to just assume this happened and that happened.
thanks.
did social media wasn't around then?
Because the shit talk was insane.
And that's what like pissed me off most.
(47:51):
nobody knew the real story.
So it was he got hit by a cab, got ran over by the cab that I pushed him out or ourfriends pushed him out.
Like, don't you fucking idiots think that my best friend or his best friend since he wastwo years old would have been like, or she pushed him or you know, like
(48:17):
Hell yeah, he would have.
There's three people in the car The loss that Jay was to him was so sad.
I tried to stay in contact with him for many years after for Kenna, for the girls, becausehe was like a fixture in our home, like always.
(48:37):
That's how close they were, through college, everything.
And it got to a point to where I couldn't be around him anymore.
has never stopped grieving, like deeply.
But I get it.
I get it.
After I found that stuff out, even to go back a more with people with their shit talk, andthis is why I want people to know, you grieve however the hell you need to.
(49:09):
You go through whatever you need to go through, and you can't give a shit.
about what all these other people think because there's so much shit talk to the pointthat they were a detective comes to my house, like they're investigating it as a homicide.
(49:30):
Like, are you even in thankfully and I will forever be thankful to these guys.
The people in my corporate center, cause it was like, like everybody had like a suite inthe corporate center, you know, we all rented, but then there was like,
the corporate center part of it where you had like assistance if you wanted them, the mailand all those things.
One of them contacted attorneys that they know and thought that I might need help, know,whether it was to sue the cab company, whatever it was.
(50:00):
And one of the top criminal attorneys that were affiliated with these other attorneys, meand said, one person comes there,
You give them my number and if they're making this a homicide investigation or anythingelse, they can come through me.
And I'm 25.
I don't know, like what do they mean homicide?
(50:23):
But maybe I took it way harder than I should have because they're like, we have toinvestigate every possible whatever.
But just the way they, you know, I'm a young widow, you know, with these little kids andyou're telling me that it's a homicide investigation.
then I don't know what happened with that.
(50:43):
just like after, his name was Phil Corey, after he stepped in for even just a briefminute, I never heard another word about that.
But then people are like, he committed suicide.
He this, he that.
So now hearing all these people saying that my husband, this wonderful, amazing man whosent to me from God, you know, like because of all the shit I've been through in my life.
(51:11):
They're saying he committed suicide.
There's no fucking way.
So then I'm on a mission.
Out of my mind, medicated all the things on a mission now.
Thankfully, I had good friends too that were like, yeah, she's effing crazy right now, butwe're going to be alongside her while she does it.
And I had Jay's mom who would take the kids from me.
She just wanted me to be OK.
(51:33):
She knew I was not OK.
I was so truly out of my mind that all the things that people would say, I was like, oh,I'm proving this.
I know that he didn't jump out of there.
He would never commit suicide.
He loved us so much.
I mean, he just bought me a star in the sky at Christmas just a few days later called theBabydowel star.
(51:58):
And he loved us.
Everyone knew it kind of thing.
So here's me.
Okay, I'm gonna prove that he didn't at the all out.
So I go downtown, same bars, same clubs, same everything, weekend after weekend, Fridayand Saturday night, Friday and Saturday night, get shit face, the same shit face we all
(52:24):
were at the time.
I go in the cab, a van cab each time.
Now, my friends are all coming with me, you know, because they're like, what the?
I can only imagine what they were thinking at this point.
I would wait till the cab driver got at 60 miles an hour where they say he went out.
(52:47):
would watch the odometer thing.
Is that what it's called?
Spodometer.
Spodometer.
Yeah.
It's an odometer.
Whatever that damn thing's called, it tells you how
you're going.
I would watch till I got to 60.
I'd make sure I have my seatbelt on, right?
Because I'm still being safe.
I have my girls that I have, you know.
(53:09):
And I'd open that damn door at 60 miles an hour and watch the street going by and seeinghow fast it was.
How would he jump at 60 miles an hour?
He would know he wouldn't be okay.
Or why would he have thought that?
Or maybe do you look like you'd be okay?
So he thought he was just gonna jump out and whatever.
(53:32):
Time, I did that so I can't.
I honestly, I can tell you, I don't even remember what stopped me from doing that unlesssomething else clicked in my crazy head at that time.
there's just so many, like so many things that we'll share like on another episode that Iknow so many people can probably relate to.
And even the simple thing like I'd be at the corporate center, which is about
(53:56):
25 minutes or so from the cemetery, it was starting to get dark and I'd panic and I'dspeed to get to the cemetery because I was afraid that he would be upset if I didn't see
him every day.
God, there's so many things.
I'd go down that road, the cemetery and just taking a bunch of pills.
(54:16):
I still just wanted to be with him.
Yeah.
I think that that's probably.
a good place like to stop as far as my story because there's just so much after that.
But I think it's so important.
(54:37):
You know, one of the things that I remember most that was just so bizarre to me, you knowhow like when someone passes away and you're close to them, that there's so many people
around you and everybody wants to be there for you and they make promises and they say,we'll be there if you need anything, we'll be in it.
And then
(54:58):
the funeral happens.
One thing I could tell you about that too, I was still in such denial that even at thefuneral, like when they were putting him, they took, you they did a family side thing too
after, and they're like, well, we'll like put him down, you know, all those things.
(55:19):
I'm like, uh-uh.
I need to see him go down there because I don't even, I just still.
Yeah, yeah.
You're in disbelief.
Yeah.
And I mean, it was bitter cold and I don't wanna coat.
I didn't feel anything except that, except for every moment that was happening so deeply.
But I remember when that was over and I had to be with myself.
(55:45):
Holy shit, I couldn't go back to my house.
I had to have a lot of people even come to my house.
And it was weird.
know, a lot of people are like, I don't want to let go of his clothes.
I don't want to.
I want to still smell whatever was happening in my brain.
didn't want a single thing there.
(56:07):
Like it had to be gone because I would not make it.
I couldn't go back and see one single thing.
So I had really great friends.
But then I even made it to where it was like this creepy like.
So our wedding photographer, remember we just got married in October, like the end ofOctober.
He never even saw our wedding videos, our videos, our pictures, nothing.
(56:31):
So because they weren't done yet back in the day.
took a while.
So the, which those are people that I could say were absolutely amazing.
Probably totally all over the place right now.
But when he died at the funeral, like even we became friends with the people where we, andwe had a beautiful reception.
and stuff like at a high end, whatever, they like had everybody come back to their place,like after the funeral, like they invite everybody like no charge had had big beautiful
(57:00):
pictures of Jay like and the photographer made gigantic pictures for his funeral for likenow me, here's me.
I put those pictures all over.
I don't want any of his stuff there.
Now, this just doesn't even make sense, right?
I don't want any of his stuff there.
But.
I'm creating a whole house of a shrine.
(57:25):
Do you know what mean?
The big picture at the end of the stairs, candles all over.
Not weird, where I'm praising to.
Nothing crazy, but I needed my candles lit.
That was respect to him.
There's his big, beautiful picture.
Good God, there's just so much.
There's so much.
What do you wish you knew?
(57:49):
Like looking back, is there anything that you wish you knew or you would have donedifferently or somebody would have said or something they could have done to help you
better?
I wish that I would have.
have
someone to be relatable to.
(58:10):
You know what I mean?
I'm 25.
The one thing I can remember, and I'll never forget this lady, it was somebody that knewhis mom and dad, but I can picture her, she was a little bit older, probably like late
60s, maybe early 70s.
You know when the people come through and they say their goodbyes and you're like standingup there?
She whispers to me, honey, don't worry, I was a widow too, and you'll move on.
(58:35):
I was like,
us.
this lady, what, he's laying right there.
What the hell is going through your head?
Like, and what are you talking about?
Cause I'm just going to be with him.
Like, so for everyone to know, that's not a good thing to like say or don't say whenpeople say like time heals everything.
(58:57):
Well, I think in a sense it does, it makes it a little easier, but look, look at me.
This is 24 years.
You don't have a choice.
You know, like, I hated God.
That's a whole nother thing.
There was no way there was a God and he did this to me.
Why did he give me that love when I never had it?
(59:18):
Just to rip it?
Why did he let me do that for a few years and then take it away forever and now I have toremember it forever?
I mean, I didn't get remarried for 19 years.
But yeah, think it's like being, I felt so alone.
Like that there's no way on this planet that anyone even could begin to understand what Iwas going through.
(59:40):
Everybody just likes to judge everybody.
And I will say every single person grieves how they need to grieve.
And you know, I've seen so many things even with widows because they're moving on and theyhave kids or whatever.
What do you want her to do?
Wear black?
and sit and grieve forever.
(01:00:01):
Like, I don't think that their spouses that, man or woman, whether it's a widow or awidower, people need to stop fucking judging.
They need to stop judging until they are truly walking in those shoes.
Because I can tell you from the 9-11 thing where I was like, oh my God, I can never evenimagine.
I can never imagine what that feels like.
I don't want to.
(01:00:22):
It is 10 times as bad.
is what I ever imagined in my head at that time.
So until you walk it and live it, people need to mind their own freaking business and besupportive.
Like, let them know that it is wrong.
And you it's normal that crazy.
Yeah.
What?
Especially young widows.
Yeah.
Or I guess I shouldn't even say that because people that have been with people for 20, 25years and then the person's gone forever.
(01:00:50):
Right.
Like, yeah, I that I don't even I don't even say that stuff anymore.
can't imagine, like, I learned my lesson with that.
So I'm really like funny about saying that now.
Because I'm afraid if I put it out there in the first, like, I just don't.
having people to relate to.
And that's one of the reasons I wanted this to be talked about first.
(01:01:12):
there is a whole lot of a story, you know, of many different ways.
But as far as being a widow,
and burying your husband and then once the like show, that's what I always call it, likethe show is over and people say what they think they're supposed to say and make promises
that they think they're supposed to promise, like doing all those things that I can tellyou 95 % of those people never follow through and it is very lonely and you're lucky if
(01:01:44):
you do have people that support everything that you're going through.
I did have some people like that, but I didn't have family.
And I know there's a lot of people out there that don't have family to do that.
Yeah.
It was a very long time.
I used to even tell this story.
(01:02:04):
I used to tell this story like it wasn't even mine.
I probably looked like a lunatic.
Like, it wasn't even mine.
I had no emotion, no nothing.
That's why I'm even doing this today.
I was like, shit, what if I don't cry?
But what if I do cry?
Because everybody's so judgmental.
What if I cry too much?
They're going to think, I'm just trying to get attention.
What if I don't cry?
(01:02:24):
They're going to be like, she just doesn't give a shit.
Like, you can't win.
That's the bad thing about social media now.
There's good and bad, but I can only imagine the stuff that would have been out there if,thank God, the news didn't get it either.
It's just.
People need to have more empathy.
(01:02:44):
I was gonna say, it's so sad that you people are even out there critiquing your grief.
Like that's a threat that that's a reality for so many.
I know it is sad.
It's so sad.
And I lived it.
I know.
But one thing that has taught me, I probably back then, I mean, I was a lot younger.
(01:03:05):
I probably used to be a lot more judgmental.
And I would say, my God, I can't believe she's doing that.
my God, I can't believe he would do that.
But who am I?
Who am I to even say that?
Because I have no clue what they're going through.
And people don't always share those things.
People have horrible childhood, all the things that are still haunting them every day.
(01:03:27):
And people want to just criticize them instead of saying, what happened?
What happened to you?
I think people would rather hear someone say, what happened to you or what's been goingon?
Is everything OK?
and truly meaning it, than just going, that's what she did.
You know, like it's really disheartening.
Well, and it's the whole thing you mentioned it.
(01:03:49):
It's not even until you walk a mile in their shoes.
It's literally until you've walked every single step.
Yes.
Yes.
Like you really don't know.
Yes.
So in the meantime, just be curious and have empathy.
Well, and I can tell you from just interviewing people from behind the monsters.
(01:04:09):
The stories and the hurt and the pain and all the things that I've already witnessed frompeople, like even most of them, the first time they're telling their story, I don't know,
it does something to my heart where I'm like, God, all these people are walking aroundwith so much pain.
And do their actions match that?
(01:04:29):
Do they act out?
they, like, to where I was almost nervous to even tell mine because I'm like,
Well, maybe mine's not as bad as that person's.
You know, it's just the whole imposter.
you know, you just, we get in our heads.
There's a girl on, she's actually gonna come on the podcast.
(01:04:51):
I talked to her, her name's Whitney.
She's written a book and everything, but her husband was a police officer, a canine policeofficer.
And he got stung.
had two little, she had one little boy and she was pregnant.
And she, her husband got stung by a bee and had the whole whatever, he was allergic.
(01:05:12):
So he was on life support, all these things like for a long time.
And she's pregnant, so she's pregnant.
Going into intensive care, non-responsive, all the things you could imagine.
And she has a toddler.
Well, they ended up finding out some other tests happened with him to where like part oflike his brain was actually gone.
(01:05:33):
Like to where there wasn't a chance that he was gonna recover.
So she then had to make the, you they made the decision to take him off life support.
so four or five, I don't quote me on that, four or five months, I think they dealt withhim being, she had her baby by herself, everything, the baby there, laying the baby on
him.
So she'd already been grieving.
(01:05:53):
She already knows he's gonna die, which is different too, you know?
So she's got four or five months and a newborn and just, but.
and she's got like 200 and some thousand followers.
And some of the people, now she did, she was an attorney, quit work, doing all thesethings, she met someone.
(01:06:13):
And it had only been like not even a year or whatever, she met someone that was so lovingand so good to her and her boys and taking on all that, he didn't have kids, and they just
recently got married.
And it had only been like a little over a year or whatever.
But the way people talk shit to her,
is insane.
maybe that's just how she, but she still talks about him.
(01:06:37):
Like on a regular basis and he's supportive of that and all the things, but people want tobe like, oh, what's wrong with you?
Cause you moved on and you let her, let her read the way she needs to know your business.
Like, yeah.
And she has a life to live.
And her kids deserve that.
And it's not like she just said, Oh, my husband passed away and she talks about itconstantly.
(01:07:00):
to the boys, and she's thankful for this new guy, his family even accepts her and herkids.
And they're religious and just, they're just all good people.
But it's just sad, because she'll post that a lot.
And I asked her to come on, because that's the experience you get.
(01:07:22):
Every action you take after you're a widow or a widower, everybody judges.
Gosh.
Yeah.
I've never heard somebody talk about that.
So I think that's powerful in and of itself that you're bringing that up.
Yeah, she's been through it.
Like that.
like she could put the most positive shit out there, but there's still people that wouldbe like, just judging.
(01:07:44):
Judging.
So our world needs a lot less of that.
Oh, God, don't we know?
All right, I think we should leave it at that.
What do you think?
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
I know my blood pressure is high, but I wanted people to understand.
And I also didn't want I wanted to connect with people a little bit to where I'm like mydaughter said I'm always just saying well I haven't told my story yet so I just wanted to
(01:08:08):
give a piece of it.
There's a reason why you're doing this.
Yes.
Yes.
So maybe they can relate to me a little bit and know that I have a purpose and why we'redoing this because every everybody has a story.
Yeah.
You know.
All right.
I we're good.
Thank you for doing this.
I'm honored.
I'm honored to listen.
OK.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
(01:08:29):
you
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