Fatal DUI, Prison, and Sister’s Suicide

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to Beyond the Monsters.
Today I have Tessa with us and she is in Boca Raton, Florida.
I'm so jealous right now because it's gloomy here.
But I don't miss the heat down there, that crazy heat.
You're going to tell your story today and we're going to take it in whatever directionsyou decide to take it in.

(00:23):
Like we can start.
Tessa has a pretty extensive story to tell.
And we're just gonna go with the flow, girl.
You got this.
you

(00:47):
trigger warning, self harm, suicide, substance abuse, eating disorders, and other explicitcontent.
So, why don't you start where, you know, there were problems with alcohol and drugs.
So let's start with where that started, what age and what was going on in your life atthat time.

(01:12):
I feel like it's, well first of all, hi, thank you for having me.
I guess it's weird for me to talk about because I don't really know a distinct time that Ifeel like my problem started.
I know, like as a teenager, I started getting involved in drugs and stuff and I feel likea lot of teenagers do, right?

(01:39):
But I guess that really...
kind of continued for me.
I really don't know and it's really hard for me to pinpoint like where a lot of my angerand sadness comes from, but from a pretty young age I started, you know, self-harm, like
cutting myself.
I'd almost do it in a place though that no one would actually see, so I did a good job ofhiding, hiding my darkness I guess, so.

(02:08):
Now how was family life for you?
Were there things going on that just made you want to escape from everything or you know alot of times when we cut and do things like that it's people envision that they're
releasing some of the pain.
Yeah, I feel like so my childhood, my sister struggled with bipolar my whole life, herwhole life, and it was just like very chaotic for me.

(02:43):
right.
I think also too, I was also a really good kid, so I feel like I had that expectation tomaintain being the good kid because there was so much chaos going on in my home.
I just felt like I would be overwhelmed with emotions and with sadness and with anger andI didn't know what to do with it.

(03:06):
So it was a way for me to manifest my emotional pain.
into something I can actually pinpoint and be like, this is the source of my pain.
I can deal with that emotional part now.
But yeah, I feel like that continued for a very long time and I developed an eatingdisorder.

(03:31):
I was anorexic for quite some time in my teenage years.
Yeah, like 17, 18, 19, I had to be, I went to rehab, a pretty intensive inpatient rehab.
That was a crazy experience.
They're wild, especially for both eating disorders because they regulate everything, likegoing to the bathroom.

(04:00):
You can't go to the bathroom by yourself.
You can't shower.
You can't flush the toilet.
You can't do anything.
It's very, very intense.
So yeah, that was kind of in my teens and I was still struggling with a lot of alcohol.
Yeah, alcohol and substances.

(04:22):
I really just had like a hard time kind of getting my life together.
It would just be like blackouts every single night, gotten really bad situations with menand all that.
Right.
I do feel like I ended up in the hospital a few times for overdosing.
And one time in particular, remember, and you know, I never really told or talked to thesocial worker, but basically I took a bunch of pills and a lot of pills and I ended up in

(04:54):
ICU.
It was like a really scary moment because there was, there was a, I remember hearingeveryone.
and I could hear everyone talking and I can hear my mom was there and I can hear them, butI couldn't respond.
So like I couldn't really come out of this darkness that I was seeing.

(05:16):
And I was there for a few days.
Like I couldn't walk.
They were telling me that I had permanent brain damage.
Yeah, it was very scary.
Like, know, luckily I recovered and...
I feel like I don't have permanent brain damage.
But that was kind of an eye-opening experience for me.

(05:38):
I was like 23.
Like where you were in your head.
Is that the first time you had like suicidal ideation or actually tried?
That was probably like the first most serious time, you know?
I would always think about it.
I feel like, and this is where sometimes I have this conversation with myself, is like,sometimes I really feel like I'm broken because I don't know why I constantly think about

(06:04):
this idea of wanting to do that.
You know, and I'm just like, is this, like, I just feel like I'm not normal in that sense.
And I just remember being, like having that thought in my mind for.
forever.
you know since I was probably 15, I was I remember talking to my friends like God I justwish I could leave you know I wish I could just turn it all off.

(06:28):
And I think that night because
There's probably chaos in your head all the time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I will tell you that for a lot of us and the way life has been for many people, that'scompletely normal.
It shouldn't be normal, but that does happen, you know, like where those thoughts arethere.

(06:52):
So I don't think you're.
Sometimes, I don't know.
This is just the beginning.
But I think that was a point in my life where I was going to community college at the timeand I was kind of made the decision that, I can turn my life around.

(07:12):
I can do things that make me happy.
So I actually remember writing about that experience in my college essay for theapplications.
And I got into UCSD and it's a really good school and I was studying biochemistry and youknow, I left Bakersfield, I was living at Bakersfield at the time.
I went to San Diego and I felt like I was on a good track.

(07:37):
You know, I stopped drinking.
And then that really came down to, so a side note, I love cooking.
I love cooking and I always like make Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner for myfamily.
So it was Christmas of 2012.
I went back to Bakersfield because I felt like this is a very complicated story and I'mjumping around, my parents had moved from California, from Bakersfield to Thailand, but my

(08:08):
sister still lived at that house.
And so did my brother, I think from time to time.
So it was like, let's all
get together and have a family dinner, just the kids.
And I made Christmas dinner and it was nice and it was big turkey.
And then my sister and I, who were very close in age, were like two years apart.

(08:30):
And we'd used to fight a lot growing up, but when we were like 19, 20, we were bestfriends.
became, she was actually the one that, you know, when I went to the hospital, she's theone that carried me in and, you know, was there.
But I, so we started drinking because we always drink and she was like, let's go pick upmy boyfriend.

(08:55):
met this guy.
she was, she was like just one of like the best people like in the world.
Like she has such a great heart.
She was just like, like a carefree person, you know, like just one of the most pure soulsI've ever met.

(09:15):
And she's just, so she was like, oh, I met this boy at the hospital that I'm going to,just like, it was just casually.
Yeah, I met him at this inpatient hospital and I'm starting to date this guy.
And it was like, he was a younger kid.
And I'm like, why do you even want to date a younger guy?
Right?
He's a couple years.
at this point, just to back up a little bit, at this point, she's going to inpatient forwhat?

(09:42):
She was in and out of hospitals my whole life.
I remember from, you probably the first time she went to an inpatient hospital was whenshe was 13 and that was just kind of normal.
So she was struggling really bad with bipolar.
So throughout my whole life, she would just, it's just what happened, right?
So she would level out on meds, she would come out, she would go into an episode andlargely the episodes were like, you know, not to laugh, but they were like, oh my gosh.

(10:11):
someone go get her, she's sweeping the street or giving away all of her stuff, someone gopick her up.
So she's real mannachy at these different times.
But like very loving, right?
That was the thing.
have to be like, I remember coming home one day and she's like, Tessie, my God, I startedbaking.

(10:33):
I know you love to bake.
I made this pie.
I'm going to bring it to my teachers and there's bananas in it and there's oranges in itand there's whipped cream.
And I was like, and she just started listing all this crazy stuff.
And I was like, you can't do that.
Like you can't, you you would just have to talk to her like that.
And it was like, it was just like her just having like such a pure heart.
That's how like I looked at it.

(10:54):
But, you know, so she's like, let's go pick up my new boyfriend, right?
Because she was in, yeah, like in another hospital.
So you're like, boy, here we go.
Let's go was like, okay.
Let's go.
So I go pick him up and we bring him over to the house and we're hanging out there andthen she had taken her meds, you because she was always on a lot of meds and so she ends

(11:19):
up passing out and he tells me like, hey, do want to go over to my friend's house?
You know, he's a young kid.
He's like 20, 21, just a bunch of like house party.
I was young too.
I was like 22 at the time, but I thought I was so much older than him.
was like, he's 20 or
Yeah.
So we go over there.
I go with him.

(11:40):
like, yeah, I mean, this wasn't uncommon.
My sister and I hung out with each other's boyfriends and friends all the time, right?
So we drive over there and there's a bunch of alcohol and everyone's drinking.
And one of the last memories I have is giving my keys up that night because I was drinkinga lot.
He was drinking a lot.

(12:01):
And I was like, here are my keys.
I said this.
I don't even remember.
know who the owners of the house was.
I have no idea who these people were.
I just told them I'm not going to drive that night.
And then that's one of the last memories I have until I woke up in the hospital handcuffedto a bed.
And I woke up and there's officers there and the coroner coming in and the coroner wasasking me who the passenger was in my vehicle.

(12:29):
And I was like, I don't, I didn't even know what he was talking about.
didn't even
know who was in my passenger seat for like the first couple minutes that he asked me andthen somehow I remembered because there's a lot of people there.
was hanging out with a lot of people.
I really didn't know.
I remember.
But for some reason, something hit me and remembering who it was.

(12:53):
And I told him the name and he's like, I have to go let this kid's parents know that hedied.
And I just remember just like, not really comprehending anything at the time.
You know, say how do you even wrap your head around that?
I just, I mean, I feel like there really was no words.

(13:16):
Like I pretty much went into shock, I feel like.
You know, they treated me, I had some broken ribs.
I remember the officers telling me it was a really bad crash.
And when they came up, they thought that we were both dead in the car.
And then luckily, it didn't really sustain, you it was just the ribs.

(13:40):
that were broken and, you know, cuts, but I was taken to the jail right after that.
When I got there though, they actually put me in, they put me on suicide watch becausethey said I was not, you I was in shock.
So, like people just shut down.

(14:01):
Like for me, I just didn't, it wasn't that I didn't know what was going on.
I just didn't know what to process.
They were telling me I was going to be in prison for the rest of my life.
Really, I just didn't know.
I feel like I was scared.
was confused.
Like I said, I don't remember anything.
I still to this day don't remember anything.

(14:23):
Yeah, out of body, like Twilight Zone feeling like this is not even real.
Yeah, I feel like a lot of people who've been through trauma or, you know, a very suddenevent like that, there's always that like, you wake up the next day being like, okay, was
this a dream?
Right?
And you want it to be, like you don't want to wake up like not to that again.

(14:47):
it's day after day.
Yeah, yeah, mean, basically that happened.
I mean, it's one of those things that I just, I think about it a lot still.
And how long ago was that?
This is 12 years ago that the accident.

(15:10):
ish, right?
Okay.
Yeah.
And, you know, it's, I think just how everything progressed after that really made ithard.
So I was in there and I was, you know, on suicide watch and I don't know if anyone isfamiliar with that, but I was basically put in this like tiny, tiny, was like probably

(15:34):
like four by four.
So, there's nothing in there.
There's nothing in, there's no, there's no beddings.
There's nothing.
And this particular cell, and I'll still remember this, it was the person before me, like,there was like piss and like, be like the smell of it.

(15:55):
And it was so strong that I couldn't, like I was like trying to open up the little slotwhere they give you the food just to get some like air because I couldn't breathe in
there.
What would, I can't even imagine what was going through your head then if you're in thislittle box.
You can't talk to anybody, right?

(16:16):
Are you able to talk to family or your attorney at this point?
No, I wasn't.
I felt like the time is all so fuzzy.
don't remember.
You know, obviously this was on the news too.
So the cops went to my house to let my sister know.

(16:37):
And from what I understand, she's the one that called my parents who were, like I said, inThailand at the time.
yes.
And you know, my poor, my poor, that's what I think about now.
was like, now that I'm older, I'm like, my poor parents that have...
gotten these phone calls late at night being halfway across the world.
I know how.
So they came.

(17:00):
I spent probably like, it was probably like five or six days before they bailed me out.
I was bailed out and this was, so this happened on the 28th and by the seventh, I thinkJanuary 7th, I was back in San Diego and my parents just wanted me to finish school.

(17:21):
So that was like in retrospect for me, I think that that inability to actually like reallyfocus, you know, they, they, they were doing what they thought was right.
You know, it was like nothing, nothing bad, but I feel like now that I understand more oftrauma and just going through something like that.

(17:45):
And then I was dropped back off at San Diego, all by myself.
in school yeah
Yeah, I didn't have anyone.
I didn't have any friends and then really, really having that on my heart and just likecontinuing school.
I'm studying biochemistry and it's just like, there's a part of me that's like, I'msupposed to care about O chem when what they're telling me is they're going to be charging

(18:13):
me with actually, they wanted to charge me with murder two at first, because my bloodalcohol was
so high.
So, and this is a point that I feel like it's very important to bring up too.
In our country, I feel like the way we convict DUIs isn't beneficial to preventing them,right?

(18:41):
For me, I made all the choices that night to not drive.
And then in my blackout, I did.
I don't know what happened, but.
The way it works is the higher your blood alcohol content, the more they can charge youwith.
So which I think is backwards because okay, the higher my blood alcohol is, less likelegally I can actually make decisions, but you're going to hold me more liable, which like

(19:07):
we need to start doing more prevention, right?
Because we know this, we know that alcohol prevents you from making decisions, you know,fully.
And then we want to hold people.
more accountable.
where it's, it's something that I feel like we need to put more in the prevention, youknow?

(19:27):
Yeah, do you have any idea how you got your keys back?
Did anybody?
And still to this day, I don't.
And like I said, you know, not to excuse, and that's not an excuse for my actions.
That's not anything, but it is a frustrating thought to have to deal with in the back ofmy head that I feel like more people are liable in what happened than just me.

(19:58):
If my last memory is, hey, I don't want to drive here in my keys.
Like I said, this is just me thinking, okay, maybe I got really rowdy and demanded my keysback.
I don't know.
I don't think like that person would own up to it either like the one did give you yourkeys back

(20:20):
Yeah, and someone did it and also, so as a side note, in my civil case, so the familybrought a civil case against my family, I was actually found not guilty in my civil case
because they determined that my passenger passed away from blood alcohol poisoning and notthe crash.

(20:44):
So that was, that's also something that, you know, my parents are always like telling melike you should, you should try to get this overturned because on a second case, they said
that his blood, that his blood alcohol was 0.42.
So that is, that is a limit where if you look at

(21:06):
how he was even functioning to get in the car.
Yeah, to me, not to make this some mystery, there's a lot of questions to where I...
And like I said at the end of the day, I never want to be like someone else is liable, butthere are looming questions for me that will probably never get answered because I don't

(21:31):
even know the people.
I have no idea who those people are.
don't know their names, I don't know their numbers, and it's just something that I have tobe like, okay, I have to just accept the facts, and the facts are that I was driving, and
I take responsibility for that, you know?
At this point, were you like, never drinking again, I'm never touching any kind of drug ordid you go kind of the opposite because of the trauma and everything going on?

(22:02):
I feel, so what I can say is I never drank and drove after that.
And I still to this day won't.
Like I work at a restaurant as well and even when we do wine tastings at work, won't everdrink and even if it's a sip and drive.

(22:22):
If I am drinking, it's like I'm at a location or I totally.
And it's actually a pain sometimes because people will be like, you want to come out withus after work?
And I'm like, no, I don't.
And they'll be like, it's just one drink.
And I'm like, yeah, but I don't know what that means for me because I'm an alcoholic and Idon't just stop at one.
Right.

(22:42):
That you can't ever put yourself in that situation again.
Yeah, so I've been very mindful of that, but know that the two years that I was out, wasreally hard for me.
I actually got started skydiving when I was out.
It was like...
The risky behavior.

(23:04):
It's really if you think about it, and like I said, they were telling me that they weregonna charge me with like 15 to 20 years because my blood alcohol was so high.
I don't have any previous DUIs or anything, but they just said because of my blood alcoholcontent, they could charge me with that.

(23:25):
And the thing about DUIs too is that it's very political in how they charge it.
There are certain DAs and certain judges that want to make an example out of people.
And this is any case too, not just you guys, but any case that you have.
Like my case was in the news.

(23:45):
I had a lawyer that continued my case a lot to try to get it out of the news.
Because when something gets in the news like that, the system feels obligated to make anexample out of you.
So this is like, is where our court systems are so, it's like, it's scary to think aboutthat.

(24:11):
really you could get 10 extra years just because, you know, a DA wants to make a name forhimself or a judge wants to, you know, make an example out of you.
Like, that's crazy.
But
Yeah, now I feel like I jump around so much because they're so big.
It's okay.
Just bring it back to wherever you want to go back to.

(24:33):
But yeah, started skydiving just, I felt like it's just this, you know, like it's really,felt alone.
I felt like I had no idea where my life was going.
I had no idea what I was doing all of this for.
I felt like I have like one of those brains that are very obsessive and it's kind of, it'sjust like, I didn't know how to get my mind to shut off.

(25:02):
Mm-hmm.
And then just randomly getting into skydiving, was like, wow, in this moment, in thismoment I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking about the future.
Focusing on in that moment, all I'm caring about is like pulling my parachute andsurviving.
So for me, it gave me that adrenaline rush and that ability to like take my mind off ofeverything that was happening, you know?

(25:29):
Yeah.
Do you feel comfortable talking about?
what you actually felt and like the roller coaster you were living like even from likeyour sister finding out and did that affect your relationship and you know with your
parents or did you feel like you were constantly being judged by everyone around you oryou did have support?

(25:56):
So in my family, we just don't talk about things, you know?
So when I went back, and I do remember this dream that I had, I had a dream when I wentback to San Diego, and it was of my passenger, his name was Clayton.
I had a dream about him that I was like, and it was such a vivid dream that I saw him, andI was like, everyone thinks you're dead.

(26:21):
You have to come let everyone know.
And he was like, no.
I am, but he told me too, he's like, I'm at peace now.
I'm fine.
It was just like, I remember that one dream and I feel like that to me gave me some weirdcomfort and that was still always sad.

(26:42):
It's one of those dreams that it's like, it's a vivid memory of him being like, I'm in abetter place because he struggled a lot with- Struggling.
And he was like, it's okay.
I'm okay.
I feel like that gave me a little bit of peace, the thing is too, what people don'trealize is I was never allowed to reach out to the family.

(27:04):
And it wasn't because I didn't feel guilty, it's just I wasn't allowed to say I'm sorry.
It's a legal thing, so.
Did you get criticized for that?
Yeah, and I remember in my sentencing, that was one of the things that they said about meis because the family and like, I totally get that.

(27:27):
Like, in their mind, I'm forever going to be a monster, right?
And it's like, I hate that, because I don't feel that I'm like that.
But I understand, like I understand that that's who they see me as.

(27:48):
Um, you know, they, they said I didn't care.
said I didn't, you know, I would just come into court and not address them and not look atthem.
And, know, it was just to me, I'm, I'm like, I'm 20 years old and I'm scared and I feel sobad, but I can't say anything.
And, I didn't know.

(28:10):
to look at them and make eye contact or do anything like that when you were told not tocontact them and then...
And this is why I'm such a big advocate for not judging people because the perception ofbeing...
I came across a Facebook post since I'd been out and it was about my crash and hundreds ofcomments of people talking about how I only got three years and I deserve more and saying

(28:40):
all these horrible things about me.
it's just like, I struggle with that now too.
It's like, am I this person?
because I don't feel like I am.
Well, it's a lot of outsiders looking in, you know, and when my first husband passed away,it was a horrible accident and I witnessed it and just like everything you could think of.

(29:04):
Like even then that was my husband and it wasn't even something I caused or anything.
People will talk shit, especially when they have no clue, which is so sad.
But my experience.
And I was 25 years old.
48 going on 49 now when he passed away.

(29:26):
And.
People will kind of still talk shit and they don't they don't have a clue like no.
And that but what that did for me is what like what you just said.
I will never ever judge someone until I know until I actually have facts until you know.
But even then, can you really judge because we're all different?

(29:50):
and how we deal with things.
And it's really easy to be an outsider looking in and to give your opinions that aren'teven asked for, but there's people out there just, they wanna be relevant.
So they put nasty shit out there.
like I'm kind of thankful this didn't happen in this day and age because I didn't have aFacebook.

(30:13):
didn't have anything.
Like I said, it's only in retrospect now that I cared to really look it up.
I just looked it up one day and I came across it.
But for the most part, my lawyer just wanted to keep me out of the news.
And it was back then, it was like, OK, if

(30:35):
I was out of the news for a couple weeks, something else happened and people just movedon.
Yeah, so I started skydiving and that actually did cause even a lot of strain between mysister and I.
I remember having a fight with her where she was like, how?

(31:01):
how could you be this callous?
Like how could you be out going to school and skydiving when you did this?
And to me that really actually tore us apart because I was hurting so much and to me I wasdoing one thing that I could to keep me out of really deep depression, you know?

(31:32):
I was like, this is saving my life because I don't know what I would do if I just at myapartment and going to school, everything was okay.
And I was struggling like to your question earlier, I was drinking a lot actually.
And there would be times where I would drink so heavily that it would be like a week ofjust waking up and drinking until I blacked out again and then just waking up and drinking

(32:00):
until I blacked out again.
And then
Maybe you'd be like, I wanted to go to skydive.
So I would get myself together and I would sober up and go out and then go back to schoolthe next week and try to make up all my classes.
So to me, it was something that actually brought enough joy into my life where I couldstill have motivation to continue with my life.

(32:26):
to get up, right?
Yeah, and so to me I'm like, this is actually, I know what it looks like, but like, you'remy sister, you should, you should like actually be happy if I'm able to somewhat live
still, right?
Right.

(32:48):
I don't know.
I don't know.
And now looking back on it, because of what happened with my sister, feel like I let thatget to me.
know, like she came to visit me.
It was the day before I was to be sentenced.
So obviously I knew it was my last court date.

(33:10):
I was going to be taken away.
I remember her coming to my hotel.
with like flowers and a little present and I didn't even want to see her.
You know, I didn't want to see her because I, you know, I'd listen to all these people inmy sentencing say what a horrible person I am and all that stuff and you know, I kind of

(33:34):
felt like she was one of those people.
So I was angry at her and I didn't want to, you know, that ended up being the last time Isaw her.
Actually, no, she did visit me in jail, so that's not true.
But that was the last time that I actually got to spend with her outside.
And to me too, it just, it really makes me put things in perspective.

(33:59):
Like when we hold grudges against people of something that you, it's like, is it reallythat important?
Because I never in my life would I have thought that I would never be able to hug heragain.
or anything and it's kind of like, wow, I let anger take me away from my sister.

(34:22):
And I just don't know what I feel about that.
guess to me, she felt guilty because she blamed herself for the accident.
I guess she was dealing with her own anger too.
It's really complicated because like we said, we just...
never know what a person's thinking, you know?

(34:46):
And sometimes we take time for granted, you know?
We just think we're going to have more of it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you see that a lot.
I feel like I see it from a different perspective.
But when people suddenly die, it's like everyone's saying good things.

(35:08):
But when they were alive, we didn't pay attention or we didn't fix the things.
And I hate to say it like that, but we weren't really paying attention.
I wasn't there for my sister.
And looking back on it, and that's another hard thing for me to accept, is that I wasn'tsupported to her because it was too hard for me.

(35:34):
And I feel...
I don't think based on everything you've been telling me, I don't think you were even in aspace to support yourself, your own mental health.
You know what I'm saying?
It's so easy to beat ourselves up after.
everybody always looks back, I wish I would have, I wish I could have, I wish I did this.

(35:59):
We will drive ourselves crazy doing that.
you were not in the headspace to even do that at that point.
Like, I...
I agree, yes and no.
feel like I could have done better.
Not just after this accident, but before.

(36:25):
Even before, just didn't...
Dealing with someone, if anyone's ever lived with someone with mental illness, it's reallyfucking hard.
It is...
And at one point, her episodes, like I said, they were...
They used to be like really loving, but at some point she turned really violent and Idon't know what happened.

(36:49):
Was it after the accident?
No, it was before.
was...
And she said it was because something happened.
And to me, this is why I'm like, did I do something too?
Because we'd go out and party a lot.
And she said something happened one night with me and like something with guys.

(37:11):
And I'm not sure, because again, I was blacked out.
But ever since then...
She had, she like turned dark and she said it was because of something that happened.
But she wouldn't give you factual details or anything?
No.
Okay.

(37:31):
No, and she would, you know, she just started being like, and it was really scary.
Like she would be screaming like there was a demon inside of her and she would be lightinggas cans in the in the garage on fire.
I think we caught her just lighting them on fire and.
So it's getting a little scary now.

(37:53):
It was really scary at one point.
It was really scary and I remember telling my mom, like, you can't be alone with her inthe house.
Like, I thought she was going to kill my mom at one point.
You know, like, I really thought because she attacked my uncle with a knife, like, shestarted getting arrested for, like, assaulting police officers.

(38:15):
it got really bad.
Was she not taking her meds at times?
You know, the thing is with these meds is they're so, they're so strong and she was on somany throughout her whole life.
You know, like I said, she'd get into the hospital, she, and they would, you know, shewould take lithium and stuff.

(38:38):
Like it would really, it would really dull her.
Oh, for sure.
So she would get so heavily medicated and then sometimes she would stop taking thembecause she just, she didn't
to feel again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, you know, at one point I I refused to be around it.

(39:03):
And, you know, looking back on that, I feel like she must've felt so alone because shedidn't want to be that way, you know?
And it's weird, I ended up with her cell phone because my mom gave me her cell phone afterI got out.

(39:24):
And so I have like some of the old text messages on my phone between her and herboyfriend.
Now I'll look at the
We should probably back up just a tad.
like everybody listening and watching, they know like what happened to her, know, we'rejust kind of saying so back up just a little bit to where you saw her and now you're going

(39:48):
to jail the next day.
Most likely getting sentenced.
And.
And there, yeah.
She did come visit me when I was in county jail.
Okay.
Because at she came and I saw her and she's so funny.
She's like, she had a sweater on and she's like, I'm so hot.

(40:08):
They wouldn't let me come in because she had these like fake tits.
She's like, they said something about my boobs.
Can you believe they made me cover up my boobs?
And I'm like, my God, she's so embarrassing.
She's just like.
She's very childlike.
I'd always be like, Alana, can't say that, you're in public.
And she was like, just boobs, just boobs.

(40:30):
And I was like, my god, my sister.
So that was kind of the last time I saw her because once I went to prison, since she has arecord, she couldn't come see me.
Okay.
Yeah, so if you have any type of record, you can't visit anyone that's in prison.

(40:51):
you know, would, she would write some letters back and forth.
like I said, I didn't, I feel like I didn't write her back as much as I should have.
you know, I now look back at her letters and read her letters that I feel like it didn'ttake time to read.
Again, I feel like maybe I was still kind of angry.

(41:12):
At the time, I remember too, I remember calling, this was when I first got locked up.
I read a letter of hers, a toll that said that she was wearing a ring that I have.
And it was like very special to me because I love rings.
I've worn rings since I was like a teenager and this was the one that I had on during theaccident.
And so the only one that I've had since I was like 16.

(41:36):
So I immediately called my mom and I was like.
tell her not fucking wear my ring.
Like, that stupid bitch.
Like, I was so, like, just like sisters, right?
I was like, she was mad.
And I read like a letter that she wrote me and she was like, her, she was like sayinglike, I'm so happy.
I like get to wear your ring, makes me think about you and like all this stuff.

(41:58):
like, it's another one of those things like looking back on it, like, man, I was such abit like, why, like it's, I sometimes let anger just cloud.
what was important to me, right?
And to me, if I could take those moments back where I let my anger, like I should havebeen more understanding that she's like childlike in her mind, you know?

(42:20):
And I didn't understand that.
So, you know, I serve my sentence.
I actually went to fire camp.
So I know a lot of people started talking about fire camp after the LA fires.
It's where the Cal Fire uses
inmates to cut line.
So once I was there, I didn't have a lot of time to write people anymore.

(42:44):
We'd be on fires and I was a Sawyer, so it was very physically exhausting for me.
towards the end of
It's a Sawyer, just so people know.
so I had a chainsaw.
I had a chainsaw and I would basically what the inmate crews do is they separate theburning stuff from the green stuff.

(43:09):
So ideally if there's a space between that, the fire won't continue to burn.
So we would go, so that means that you're right next to the active fires and you're tryingto separate the brush.
So we would just cut, you know, whatever.
however much feet they needed to be cut between the burning stuff and the green stuff.

(43:31):
And then ideally the fire should stop, right?
That's how you contain the fires.
So the teams are made up of sawyers, they're pullers.
So we go in first and we cut all the brush down.
Our pullers go behind us and take all the stuff and throw it.
And then we have Pulaski's and McCloud.
So they're just like coming and...

(43:52):
and finishing off like clearing all the other stuff.
But we just cut down the big stuff first.
Is this in hopes that when you get out, can you be on the fire department?
with a record and...
Now, yes.
When I got out, no.
So that was frustrating for me because I actually really liked it.

(44:16):
it was actually something, because I mentioned before with my eating disorder, when I gotlocked up, I dropped down to like 90 pounds again.
I wasn't eating.
And then training for a fire camp and especially becoming a soyer, I was like, oh, I canbe strong.
Right?
So I fell in love with being strong versus just starting to starve my body.

(44:41):
So it really changed my perception and tried to make me be healthy.
So I loved it.
But at the time I got out in 2017 and there wasn't these, you know, there's been a lot ofpeople that have done work.
advocating for, because a lot of, there's only three female camps, so there's not a lot offemales in my position, but there's a lot of male camps.

(45:07):
There's, there's a lot, I think there was like something like 800 inmate firefightersworking on the LA fires.
Like a lot of the people, and I, people don't realize it.
It's funny.
I just knew it from the show that we watch.
gosh, I forgot the name of it.
But he did that.
He was like in prison and my gosh, my mind's blank.

(45:29):
Can't think of it right now.
But there's a show where the inmates are doing that.
So I was familiar with it from that.
Well, now more people know.
When I got out, people were like, what?
But even like people on Instagram, see like, because any of these guys weren't orange.
Those are all the inmate crews, right?
The firefighters were yellow.

(45:50):
So you see all these photos of a lot of them because of the inmate crews.
There's a lot of inmate crews.
They're the ones that are out there cutting line.
They've actually done, there's a lot of groups that have done a lot of work to advocatefor people because it is a skill that we learn.
I had my certificate from Cal Fire over there and I had my SAW training and yeah, Ithought it was a little weird that they were able to use us on the fire line when I was

(46:21):
locked up, but then I couldn't get a job with them when I got out.
right.
That had to help your mental health so much though, just instead of sitting there everyday, day in, day out.
Three years is what you did three years.

(46:41):
Okay.
So I had an 85 % stipulation.
that means that I probably served like two years, seven months.
But when you have an 85%, some people get extra time off for going to a fire camp.
I couldn't because if you're an 85%, you don't get any extra time off no matter what.

(47:04):
So to me, really was just for like I liked it.
Right.
got to go out there and do something good, you know?
this.
Yeah
And your sister when did everything happen with her were you in?

(47:24):
It was, I wasn't in fire camp.
was actually in a, so they have a reentry program now that you can go to if you have twoyears or less remaining on your sentence.
and I actually regret going to that place cause it was insane.
I should have just stayed at fire camp.
They were, but I went to it because actually I was able to finish school and so I was ableto finish UCSD.

(47:51):
So the same school is going to before I.
I went, this reentry program actually just happened to be right next to it and I was ableto actually go back to my classes with an ankle monitor and finish my degree.
So I actually got my degree in biochemistry while I was still incarcerated.
Wow, and that's not an easy degree at all.

(48:14):
Wow.
Yeah.
So that was, that was interesting because we were allowed to go.
So once you reached a certain level in their facility, you were, you had these passes andyou know, they would track you like, so I'd go on the bus.
I would have to map out the exact location of which class and how long I was going to bethere.

(48:35):
So totally monitored.
Yeah.
man.
I was actually able to...
I usually find a way to get what I want.
I wanted to go to the gym.
I took this certification course to be a trainer.

(48:58):
So part of my thing was having to go to the gym.
But I do remember I got caught.
If they needed us to come back,
they, it just started going off in the gym one time and I had to go back and I answeredall these questions and the cop was waiting for me and like,
So that had to be like crazy like when that thing starts going off, right?

(49:23):
Yeah, I, there are a lot of people when I was in there that were doing some shit, youknow, like some of the girls were doing, like I never did anything bad, but what I did
always like to have, so I like to have my gum, okay?
I was a gum addict and I liked to have my coffee because I don't know if anyone's everbeen locked up, but they have shitty coffee.

(49:49):
So I like to have my star.
Like little tiny luxuries that I just wanted to have and protein powder because I was likeso into working out.
So I had my ways of hiding them and like stashing them.
So like I wouldn't say that I was doing anything bad, but did I have stuff that Ishouldn't have had?

(50:10):
Yeah.
And like they would like send people back to prison for that stuff.
Stop.
Really?
Yeah.
Like if you...
I'm actually surprised.
I got caught with a credit card one time.
And luckily enough, the CEO that was there, really liked me.
him and I would talk a lot and he was a pretty good girl.

(50:34):
yeah, like people sent back for us.
they found coffee and they found a credit card on me and I was like, fuck.
And I thought I was going back, but I stayed there.
So would you have to go back with more time?
Something like that?
Or just like you're out of the program kind of thing?
I don't think people got, maybe if they did get more time, they got like a 90 days orsomething, nothing too bad, but it also just meant like you weren't eligible for any

(51:04):
programs.
that's
Right, right.
Yeah, that place.
it was there that...
So I actually...
Everything I found out about my sister was like on Halloween actually, which used to beone of my favorite holidays and now I don't celebrate it.

(51:25):
I had a visit with my boyfriend at the time.
It was a Saturday.
So I remember getting ready and I was like super excited and I was walking down thehallway and he was just...
He was just standing there and he looked like he saw a ghost.
And I was like, what's the matter?

(51:46):
And he told me, he's just like, you need to call your mom.
And I was like, well, to me, I'm like, well, what's happening?
Right.
And that place was just so crazy.
They didn't even allow me any privacy.
They made me call my mom on speakerphone.
Oh, my gosh.
I remember one of the counselors taking me in the office and I called my mom and she wasjust like bawling.

(52:14):
And at first I thought something happened to my dad and my dad would travel a lot.
I was like, there like a plane crash?
Like I couldn't understand.
And she told me she said it was Alana and Alana's dead.
And I was like, couldn't understand.
Like, I couldn't...

(52:35):
Like, to me, was like, my first thought was like, oh my God, did someone kill her?
Like, she got in a bad situation, she got in someone's car, and then she told me she shotherself.
And I was like, I just...
Like, I just feel like I couldn't understand.
Like, I just remember hearing them, like, just scream on the other line, like...

(53:00):
Like just hearing that, like hearing my mom and my father like scream, it's like a painfor them, like losing a child.
It's just something that I feel like is so hard and.
Like, you know, I just remember just, you know, finally just picking up the phone andbeing like, fuck you guys, I need to talk to my family.

(53:24):
Like, this is a personal fucking moment, which I sometimes get really angry.
It's like I wasn't even allowed to have this personal moment with my family.
It's like they made me call on speakerphone.
Like they had to know what was going on.
And yeah, so I just, I don't really remember much after that.

(53:46):
You know, I just, really like to this day, like I can't comprehend, like she was thestrongest person I've ever, like to me she was never the person that was gonna like, I was
the person that was gonna do that, you know?
I, you know, they let me go, they actually let me go to her funeral.

(54:07):
So they escorted me there.
And I just remember holding my mom, like my mom was just so.
And it's just like so, like so small, like so frail.
And yeah, I just feel like...

(54:28):
I feel like after that, like, my life has never really been the same.
Eww and I look bad.
Yeah, and but what's harder to me is to know how much she was suffering and know that oursystem is so broken that someone who needed help was never allowed to get help.

(54:58):
so this is where I think our mental health whole
like world needs to change.
She was charged with a lot of crimes like assault against an officer and all that stuff.
So she became, you she had a record.
So a lot of places like, you know, how the police deal with people with mental illnesses,treating them like a criminal when they need, they need mental help, like they need help.

(55:28):
They don't need to be.
her episodes that she would get herself in trouble.
Yeah, and she would be locked up without her drugs, without treatment.
Right.
You know, and then I reached out, like, it's hard for me because I don't know what wasgoing on.
And I didn't know what was going on with her for very long time because of just where Iwas.

(55:54):
But I've reached out to her boyfriend.
she, the backstory on how this happened was she was actually in an inpatient institutionat the time.
And she got a
24 hour pass to go home.
So they not only thought she was okay to go home, but they allowed her to go home to aplace that had firearms.

(56:18):
So like to me, it's like, I get really angry because I feel like it's a huge, huge mishapon that institution.
yeah, it's not, know, it's obviously she took her own life, but you're telling me thatshe's under care.
Constant care and they didn't care enough to see if the place that she was going to hadfirearms like Are you crazy?

(56:47):
Like these are these are people.
This is our mental.
This is our mental health system right and You know also to yeah, he should have locked uphis guns.
Yeah, there's there's that too and you know, and I I talked to him about it or boyfriendand
So she went home to the boyfriend?
boyfriend, okay.
Yeah, and my family of course never forgave him.

(57:12):
you know, like I said, I try to see things.
I'm the only one that's like really talked to him because I wanna understand whathappened.
see it coming was her mood different like no
said that he said he thought that he would have never thought that she'd take her ownlife.

(57:38):
He thought he thought that he would kill her, him.
He said he was very worried for his own life.
But it wasn't something.
And he told me that like the very last thing she said to him was they were like playfullylike joking around on the bed and she walked into the bathroom and she said like no

(57:59):
peeking.
like in a very joking manner and then did it.
So he said like he, you know, he had no idea and you know, I still, to me, I still, thereis a part of me that's like she would never do that.

(58:21):
Like something happened.
But then I also read her letters and now like from a different perspective reading thatI'm like, okay, because, and like I said, it's to me, this is a
of very like injustice in the system.
wanted, she wanted to be a teacher.
Like that was her, that was her dream in life.

(58:43):
She just wanted to teach kids, but she kept on having these episodes and she wrote aboutit.
She was like, it's so hard and it's so embarrassing because she would have to face thecommunity and she lived in the same place.
So she would have these episodes and she would get in her right mind and come back out andthen have to.
deal with that and she wrote about that.

(59:04):
She's like, it's so hard.
It's so hard knowing that people are laughing at her.
It's so hard knowing that people are mocking her.
she said that she, like there was one incident, I think she was having some episode inlike a parking lot and she was talking about like some guys just filming her.

(59:25):
And she knows that.
this is our society, like even now, it's so disgusting.
I'll see people post stuff, even feeling homeless people.
And it's like, do you have any idea that that's someone's son, that's someone's daughter,that is someone with mental health issues?
That's not someone we should laugh at.
And generally, a lot of the homeless, not that they were a person, but they were fullysomebody in society at one time and something happened in their life, or they have mental

(59:59):
health issues that they're just on the streets and they're homeless now because they can'tget treatment.
But everyone thinks it's just, they don't want to get a job.
they don't want to this.
it's not the case most of the time.
It's really not.
It's like, don't understand.
feel, and know, part of our job, my husband and I, do photography, videography, and it'slike, feel like I have to be on Instagram, but I hate it because I see more and more of

(01:00:31):
these people are, no one's connected with the pain.
Like these people are in pain.
Like, you know what mean?
right now, if my sister was alive right now and I saw someone post a video, because she,know, someone probably would.
Like, the type of shit she did was absolutely insane.
I'm sure someone would think it was funny and video it and put it online.

(01:00:55):
If it's gonna get views, they'll put it out there.
It's horrible because, you know, like, I don't know for everyone, but, you know, she wouldcome to her right mind and know she had to face the music, right?
She had to face what she did.
And she did that to the end.
Like, she fought very hard because she wanted to be a teacher.

(01:01:18):
So she took her case and she tried to appeal her case, like all the way to Sacramento.
she took it and she kept fighting.
And she kept fighting and was like, this is what I want to do and I'm seeking treatment.
And, you know, I think, I think they kept on denying her case and no one would let her.

(01:01:41):
And I remember her writing about that to me and being like, I don't know what I'd do withmy life if I can't, I can't do what I love.
You know, she.
I felt so defeated.
Yeah, and really a prisoner in her own body.
Like, that's what happens.

(01:02:01):
And, you know, just talking to her boyfriend and understanding that the last few years waseven worse than what I ever saw.
Like, he said that she would just, she would be denied to, like, he was trying to get herhelp and these,

(01:02:24):
institutions and they would deny her and they said that she wasn't a threat to herself orto other people and that there wasn't room for her and they need to take more serious
cases and then he also told me that they you know one place that she was under their careand then because she was threatening other people that they just decided to dump her off

(01:02:47):
at his mother's house like because they had her so they just dumped her when he hasvoicemails
He left voicemails pleading with them, like not to abandon her.
Like this is their mental health facility.
Like, she going to be better on the street?
But they did.
They just basically dumped her on the street.

(01:03:08):
this is just a reflection of this.
My family has, know, luckily enough we have money to get her treatment.
Like I can't
was just going to say, it an insurance thing or something like that, that they're like,you can't pay for your treatment?
No, my family had the means to do it and it was just, you know, it's just a lack of, Ithink, I don't know if it's, I really don't know what it is.

(01:03:34):
Like, and I don't know what the answer is.
Like that's the thing too.
It's like, I would love to advocate for change.
I don't know what the change is.
It's getting people to really listen, I think.
Even what you're telling me, like I've owned, I mean, have a psychic addiction for 20years as a professional.

(01:03:55):
And forensics, all the things, 20 years.
And I feel like so much of this falls on deaf ears.
And it's like, unless you find the people who matter to make these changes, if they don'thave a family member or somebody close to them that has went through something like this,

(01:04:15):
They don't understand.
They just can't even wrap their head around it.
It's like this disconnect, like, you know, it's the same thing when I talk about my DUI,like, and when people talk about DUIs to me, like, it's just like, you really feel like it
doesn't affect you.
And so people don't listen, you know, and it's, and especially in our day and age, like somany people, like people have dehumanized people.

(01:04:44):
how am I supposed to care about the mental health crisis if, if, you know, people who aregoing through a mental health crisis.
We're just laughing at them.
We're laughing at them.
We're mocking them.
We're talking shit about them.
Like instead of listening, yeah, really trying to understand.
don't know wherever you guys are, your parent, wherever they had her.

(01:05:07):
I can't imagine them sending her home without asking those questions.
Yeah, that's a you know, I told my parents too.
I said you need to sue the shit out of that place but to them there there's not peoplelike that there but
create awareness or like we've talked about sometimes you have to set examples.

(01:05:31):
Yeah, I mean
They just wanted to leave it alone.
I mean, to them, they would have had to bring up more pain.
And I can't blame them for that.
If you're to lose a kid, and especially when you lose a kid to suicide, you feel such asense of failure because you were just supposed to protect your child.

(01:06:00):
And especially knowing
Like my mom told me that she saw my sister earlier that week and she said that she justfelt like she was gone.
She felt like she was so depressed and she said there was something different about her.

(01:06:22):
You wonder at what point did she decide that it just...
Like I know her, she's such a fighter.
At what point did she realize that it's that she lost hope, right?
Or she just got tired of facing the reality when she came back.

(01:06:47):
Like the judgment.
You know, and you feel like you're a burden.
Like she probably felt like no matter what she did,
I just say what did they miss though?
You know, they've been treating her.
She was inpatient.
That's why I-

(01:07:07):
They just didn't, know, they're probably overwhelmed, too many people.
because they talk a lot too.
If she was, and I read her text messages between her and her boyfriend, and she seemedlike super excited to go home and they talk about this, this shift in like being a super
depressed person, all of a sudden gets some boost of energy.

(01:07:29):
Like that's very big sign to pay attention.
You know, I...
so right.
You're so right with that.
just one of those things that it's like, okay, well, I feel like it was a huge oversightand it was a huge oversight that led to someone taking their own lives.
It's not like a boopsy.

(01:07:50):
I definitely feel like they should have been held more accountable, but I also know thatif my parents just weren't, they weren't able to do that.
They don't want to.
They had been through a lot of pain with me.
I was just gonna say they have one daughter that's away right now and then they lose theirother.

(01:08:11):
I mean, I can't even imagine.
They, you know, yeah, talk about like, and they, you my mom saw us like, have PTSD and Iget phone calls late at night because to have, you it just, that's what I say too.
I've occasionally brought it up like, Hey, you should have really talked to this program,but they want to let it go.

(01:08:38):
You know, it's, you know,
Probably just doesn't want to relive it.
mean, that's tough.
Regardless of your reason why you want to do it, it's tough.
Especially as a mom, to have to relive all that and question yourself and, God.

(01:08:58):
And I'm sure there's, you know, I'm sure there are times that she just felt like, youknow, cause I feel like as a family, we would get tired of it.
At a family one time, you know, I remember we kicked her out of the house because wecouldn't deal with it and found her, you know, back behind our garbage cans.
And it's like, but you don't know what to do.

(01:09:21):
Families don't know what to do.
when, when you have someone that's like that, you,
You don't know what's, what do you, do you kick them out?
Or if you, you keep them in, now you're enabling.
Now.
Yeah, I was just going to say because people like even with drug addicts and everythinglike you can't enable them.
You can't help them.

(01:09:41):
You can't do this.
They have the rock bottom.
But how much different is addiction to mental illness?
It all goes together because usually the reason people have addiction issues is there's aroot cause of that problem from childhood, from whatever it might be, some kind of trauma
in most cases.

(01:10:03):
What do you do?
What is the right thing?
because every case is so different.
Yeah.
And I wish I came from a point where I'm like, I know the answer.
But it's like, so what does that mean?
we, you know, and I just, to me, when I look at this world, get so, sometimes I still getreally overwhelmed because I just feel like I see so many bad things happening and

(01:10:28):
especially in regards to mental health, because now more than ever, it's like putting onthis false.
facade, everything's okay, and then the people that are struggling.
I even think, just an example that we all know, the whole Justin Bieber thing when theDiddy stuff came out, right?

(01:10:50):
But you want to talk about a year prior when you look at someone who's struggling, right?
Everyone wants to talk shit and like, oh, he's drug addict, all this, all this.
the Diddy case came out and everyone was so sympathetic.
Like, my God, poor thing.
He's this, he's this victim.
And I was like, how is it that we do this?
Like as a society, have to pause and start looking at people when they're struggling andrealize that that's struggling.

(01:11:17):
shouldn't take a tragedy for you to realize that someone was struggling.
Like we need more awareness of, like to me, even when I see behaviors online that I'mlike,
That's disgusting.
Like, I don't want to see that.
that's bad.
And I'm like, I never say anything negative because I have no idea what that person'sdoing when they put the phone down and like struggling and pain can look so different.

(01:11:44):
Like, you know, when I, when I see these young girls like putting out all theseprovocative videos, I'm like, you know what?
I don't like this, but maybe, maybe they also
are in like their own turmoil and their own
trauma mode or something.
I just, I can't say anything to anyone, but I see these things and it really worries mebecause unless we have people that bring more awareness to the fact that like what it

(01:12:17):
looks like, who can be struggling and so it doesn't have to be something bad, you know?
Right.
Because it's not textbook.
It's not like you look for these signs and symptoms in a person and you know what they'vebeen through or even like what drugs are used in any of that.
Everyone is so different and they all have different pain.

(01:12:40):
Like you said about Justin Bieber, though, isn't it crazy when you think about it?
Like, so he's way on top and he starts like fucking up and doing drugs, doing all kinds ofshit.
And everyone's like.
he's a piece of shit.
He said that because they want to drag him down.
Yes, yes.

(01:13:00):
Not not thinking, gosh, I wonder what might happen to him.
Yeah, I wonder what's making him act this way.
Yeah, I wonder why he thinks that this is OK.
Like, we'd rather just tear him down because he's up on top.
Yeah, like so frustrating.
It's so frustrating.
Like said, you do...

(01:13:20):
I don't...
I just wish that we knew a way to help that.
Because I feel like everything now in our society is like...
The next generations are so obsessed with...
I didn't grow up with this stuff, but the people who have, they're going to become lessand less connected.

(01:13:41):
They're going to become more obsessed with this constant drop.
Why are we so...
Why are people becoming our entertainment?
Why are their pains becoming our entertainment when we really should be reaching out andhelping them?
It's really sad for me to see and I feel like I still have this very deep sadness when Ilook at the world.

(01:14:08):
I just, I want to help and I don't know how.
I mean, that's one of our goals, hoping that we can create more awareness and peopletelling their stories and it makes life relatable to people.
you know what I'm saying?
Like it's sad that that's what it has to be, that we can't just look at people for whothey are, maybe what they've been through and we just want to judge and not be a solution.

(01:14:35):
We just want to, like you said, make fun of them or let them be entertainment.
And it's like, sorry, go
No, go ahead, go ahead.
But I think, I think, like, just because, like I said, for me, like, I think, I reallythink about my own, like, how I was perceived.

(01:14:57):
And then just, like, the same thing, it's just like, what do do with that?
What do you do with that?
How do you make someone who, who maybe doesn't experience it, like, does everyone have togo through their own sort of, of thing?
before they're able to relate?
it shouldn't...

(01:15:17):
Like, if...
If they don't get to the point your sister was at and what happened, you know what I mean?
Is it going to be in time that they realize or they're educated in it?
It's just, God, it's such a vicious cycle for everyone.
So we have to have tragedies before people listen.
And then people only listen in so much as something else doesn't happen.

(01:15:41):
They'll listen, and then something else exciting happened.
And now it's just a lost cause.
And so unfortunately, the way our world's going is it's almost conditioning us.
And that's even too, even sharing sad stories.
Now we're all conditioned to actually look at it for a second and then move on.

(01:16:02):
You know, and so it's, it's, I get really worried and my husband and I don't have any kidsyet.
I, I sometimes tell them, like, I can't, I can't in good faith, bring in a child into thisworld when I am, I I'm 35 and I'm like, I'm still going have to in the world for a little

(01:16:22):
bit, but I don't know if I could bring a child into this world right now, because there's,there's no way that I feel like I could protect them from.
from behaviors that I think are really damaging.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
I agree with you.
I am like the most paranoid person on earth.
my two girls would probably say, yeah, she's super crazy, obsessive about being paranoid.

(01:16:48):
And I have two grandchildren too, and another one on the way.
And yeah, and I constantly worry about that.
Cause they're just...
Unfortunately, there's a lot of good in the world, like don't get me wrong, but there's anawful lot of bad.
Yeah.
I I mean, it's like thinking about, I don't even know because it's like social media haslike grown on its own.

(01:17:16):
Like it feels like it's its own growing entity that no one has any control over.
you have to almost just like take it back.
Like for me, I tell them too, I was like, they need to actually separate and moreregulations to what kind of content is going to be on there.
Where there's like young children.
that are being exposed to things that are just like...

(01:17:38):
And they'll say, the parents should be watching this.
They should be doing this.
They should be doing well.
No, it really just shouldn't be on there because yeah, there's a lot of adults thatshouldn't be watching that shit either.
Yeah.
You know, if you were.
To really think about it for a second with everything that you've been through andeverything that you've shared, what would be like your strongest message?

(01:18:04):
That you would want to put out there to people.
man, on the spot.
Yeah, you can think about it for a minute, five minutes, whatever you need.
I mean, I feel like it's hard to...
because I feel like I'm still actively struggling with everything right now.

(01:18:25):
Like all that stuff happened like 10 years ago.
Like even right now I'm still not in a place to even say anything, I guess.
You're still here and you're functioning and that that's a lot for what you've beenthrough.
You haven't given up.

(01:18:47):
feel like, I always think of this quote that I read.
It's, you know, once you have a why to live, you can bear almost any how.
Really, I feel like I've read it in a Victor Frankel book and it was also attributed toNietzsche, who was one of my most favorite philosophers.

(01:19:08):
Really, I think I'm still actively searching for my why, but I believe that my why is outthere.
I haven't.
given up on that.
Like even to this day, feel like some days I feel like I don't get anything done becauseit's literally still a battle with me with my eating disorder and my desire to live every

(01:19:29):
single day.
But I feel like I'm still I know there's a why for me like I know that I'm reallyconnected and trying to help people like I really feel like whatever I want to do in my
life, I want it to be to help others.
And maybe it's what's important, like also people who have gone through pain andsuffering, the only way to deal with that is to give your suffering meaning, right?

(01:19:58):
And what I understand with that is like, whether it's helping one person and knowing thatthey aren't alone, that will give my suffering meaning.
Or if I say, tell the one person talking about drinking and driving and one person decidesnot to do that.
given my suffering some meaning.

(01:20:18):
I guess that's to me what is pushing me forward because even now, I wish I was in a placewhere I could tell other people.
I feel like I'm not very inspiring because I'm still so actively in pain, but even thepain that I feel right now, maybe I'm going through this for a greater meaning that I

(01:20:40):
don't know yet.
Right.
in a lot of pain, I just have to remember that this is helping shape who the person I willbecome and that person down the line will help other people.
I really do believe that.
I've recently started writing my first screenplay, actually.

(01:21:02):
Yeah, and I
mean, look what you did today.
Look what you did today, even telling your story.
for you have to wholeheartedly believe this is going to help so many people.
I hope don't worry about your timing because I'm going to tell you, I am someone that hasbeen abused in everything you could think of since I was a child to tragedies and all

(01:21:26):
kinds of things happening my entire life.
And I'm 48 going on 49.
And my why was always like, why, why, why, why, why, why do I need, what do I need to do?
Why is this happening to me?
All those things were always in my head constantly.
Even this podcast, this whole channel, everything, two years it took me.

(01:21:49):
We already bought, we had to get new microphones and everything, because those wereoutdated from two years ago, because I just finally decided, okay, this is my why.
I didn't go through all this shit.
in my life to not help other people.
What you said too, for people not to feel alone.

(01:22:11):
Their situations are probably very relatable to many other people.
And that was my whole goal in this because, but timing and yeah, I'd have the greatestideas, but no, I never wanted to do it.
It's fear too, right?
And like that's a big thing I'm learning right now.

(01:22:31):
Like I'm at a point in my life where I just, think that people have to understand thatfear is such a big motivator and it can prevent you from really living your life.
Like fear, imposter syndrome, all these things like, so in my acting and my writing rightnow, like I actually just got my first role, like payroll.

(01:22:53):
Really?
Yeah, I'm excited.
I started, I always loved acting and I was kind of pressured to do like the biochemistryand all that stuff.
And then when I got out, I was actually an iFly instructor for a while and because thatwas giving me, know, those indoor skydiving, was a lot of joy.

(01:23:15):
But a lot of stuff happened in my life, like lately that kind of pushed me back intoacting.
And, you know, to me, I'm like, well, I'm too old and I'm too this and
You know, I was making a lot of excuses or like imposter syndrome is very real.
was like, I can't, I can't get this.
It's so like, that's an important message that I want people to understand because I'mstill actively in that right now.

(01:23:38):
Um, Like this role that I've read for it's like, so it's going to be a horror movie.
So it's a scary movie.
Um, and I went to read for two different parts.
One was just, you know, like, uh, there's like a role, like she's scared or whatever.
But then I was like, Oh, I kind of want to read for like the.
bad character, like the antagonist in this film, right?
Like the scary character.
Yeah.
It's really fun.
Like she's like the witch comes back and she like, you know, starts haunting them andkilling them.

(01:24:03):
And like everything
I could totally do this.
I wanted to, but your mind is so powerful and that's what people have to understand.
My perception of reality is so different to what reality is.
I just want to share this experience because it is so telling.

(01:24:24):
I actually did do some selfie videos just to document this because I started doing thatbecause I needed to realize that my mind still isn't right.
still I think is very effective of all the things that I happen to me that I really thinkthat I don't have anything to offer.
Like I really truly believe that because whatever you tell yourself, your body's going tostart to believe.

(01:24:52):
you know, it's, it's
You were hearing all that, you know, after the accident, after different things thatoccurred.
Once you hear those things, you don't just like, forget about it.
It's still in there.
And it creates doubt and...
And it's so real.
So when I went to read for this, like right before I went in, I was like, this is sostupid.

(01:25:15):
I'm not gonna read for it anymore.
Like I'm an idiot.
I'm making a fool of myself.
I have no chance.
I don't have experience and I'm just, I'm bad.
And I literally was not gonna show up.
But my husband was the one that drove me to the, so he's like, you gotta go in.
And so I go in and I'm like, I'm so nervous I don't wanna read for this part.

(01:25:36):
And they're like, you know, they're.
They were super nice to me.
They were like, okay, just copy it.
We can read it multiple times.
It's fine.
So I do the first thing and you know, this was the, just the character that's like scaredor whatever.
And they were like, well, that was fantastic.
And I was like, oh, it was.
And they're like, why are you so nervous?
And I'm like, it's just cut.

(01:25:56):
I'm like, feels like new, I feel stupid.
And then they had me read another scene and they were like, well, that was perfect.
No feedback.
It was fine.
So I was like, okay, well.
Can I try for the other one?
And I read it and like, then they did one take and then I was like, hey, can I change thisa little bit?
And they're like, yeah, sure.
And I read it again and they were like, that was fantastic.

(01:26:17):
And they were like, that was amazing.
like, that was like, you did some things that like other people didn't do and that was socool.
And you know, it was it.
it went really, and so I felt, I felt good, but listen to how fucked up your mind can be.
I felt good about it.
It great.
even made a video so proud of myself.
This was great.
Within the hour, I had convinced myself that they lied to me, that they were just tellingme that was great because I was so bad that they wanted to get rid of me.

(01:26:50):
They wanted to get rid of me because I was beyond the point that they could help me.
This is no lie.
This is what my mind told myself.
And then my husband was like, no, you're fine.
And then
The next couple days waiting to hear back, I went up and down and really, really, reallyextreme up and down.
I'm on the kitchen floor crying, this is so stupid.

(01:27:15):
I'm stupid.
I am stupid to think that I can do anything.
That comes back to me.
There's something wrong with me.
I'm so dumb that I don't realize that I can't do this.
long story short, got called and I got offered the part and the part of like the, the, thebad character and

(01:27:40):
You got the bad character part?
Yay!
Yeah, yeah, so I'm gonna be all like crazy makeup and...
my god, I love it.
People in their lives do this all the time.
Day in,
do not go after the thing that they really want to do.
They don't chase their dreams.

(01:28:01):
They let that fear, they let the negative mindset tell them these things that aren't true.
So for me, I'm like, hey, that makes me really think too, like, can I finish writing mymovie?
I've always been like drawn to being a writer.
I've just, it's something that I never really studied, but

(01:28:22):
Any of my essays, always done speeches and stuff like that.
The ability to tell a story and move people.
I've always been really connected to that.
I'm like 40 page in.
Well, it's very important to me to, I ideally would like to make films that deal with veryserious issues, like dramas, psychological dramas.

(01:28:48):
That's what I want to do.
I would love to make a film about my sister.
Not like a biography, but more of just something based on someone.
Because you need, and that would be my way of trying to get people to connect.
Because I feel like through art, you can get people to listen.

(01:29:14):
And then you need to document everything you felt, the good, bad, ugly, all the thingswhile you're making these things.
My idea is to start a YouTube channel and just talk about that process because for mesometimes I don't connect with people who have already made it.
It doesn't connect with me.

(01:29:36):
And I don't know if there's other people like me, but when I see someone who's alreadymade it, I say, well, for that one person that's already made it that has that mindset,
there's thousands of people that also have that mindset that didn't make it.
So show me someone, show me someone.
who actively is like, and that's why I wanna start my channel and be like, I have no ideawhat I'm doing, to be honest.

(01:30:01):
Let's just, I literally have this platform.
I don't know if I'm going to fail.
I actually don't.
I could fail terribly.
Like even still with the acting, I could just not be able to do this character.
could just completely lose it, but I'm doing it anyway.
It's just, God, it's such a big step.

(01:30:25):
Yeah, yeah
making way more progress than you think you are.
Truly.
I hope.
between doing that to doing today and putting yourself out there, that's huge.
That'll sink in.
It'll sink in because it truly is a big deal.

(01:30:47):
I just, like I said, I'm getting to a point, like so, we have our business and I'm stillworking at a restaurant, like I just want, every day, and I mean this sincerely, there are
days that I'm still like, I still don't do anything.
I don't make any progress.
And then I get even harder on myself because I'm like, this is another day that went bythat you didn't do anything.

(01:31:13):
I am...
I feel like I'm slowly coming into myself and knowing that no matter, I don't know how itwill make me money, but I want to do something that's going to help other people.
What does that look like I have to look like?
It's this big thing like, congratulations for you doing a podcast.

(01:31:35):
I feel like it's so hard to put yourself out there.
Let me tell you my 23 year old is really smart too and she does all the editing like yeahI had to do something like even adjusting this and know what it sounds like I'd be like
canna or call my husband like I I just have the stories and I know how to talk to peopleyou know, but it The rest of the shit absolutely no clue.

(01:32:01):
No clue.
Well
It's still putting yourself out there.
Because when you start something like that, especially something that you're emotionalabout, your failures can...
It's easy, not easy, but it's easier to start something when it's not personal.
Right?
If it's not like, this is my soul, and this is what I like, feel like artists have a hardtime putting themselves out there because it's not work, it's your soul.

(01:32:28):
I am pouring my soul into my script.
And if it's...
honestly, it's very scary because I don't know how I would take that.
don't know how I would take
for me that I've built businesses since I was 21 years old, I still obsess over, because Ihaven't told my story yet, like my whole story.

(01:32:53):
Like, who am going to tell it to?
What are all their people going to say?
They're going to talk shit about me or they're going to say I should have done this andthat.
It does cripple me a little bit.
Yeah, I'm not even gonna lie.
Like it just does.
But you do worry about that.
Like, yeah, but we shouldn't give a shit what other people say.
And I think a lot, I forget what quote that is, but it's just like, you don't want to beon your deathbed and like thinking of all the things that you should have done.

(01:33:24):
Like I don't want to live my life.
And sometimes I think about this too from the, from the mindset of, cause when I went backand I saw my car in the, in the like, you know, whatever yard, wherever it was towed to.
It was really damaged.
It was like so damaged.
And for some reason, the one little spot where I was sitting down was only spot of thatcar that was not like crumpled up.

(01:33:51):
And I was like, I think about this a lot.
Like, it's kind of like a dark thing to think about.
And at my funeral, what do I want to be remembered as?
At my funeral, do I want people to know?
Like, yeah, of course we're struggling with money a lot, but...
Do I want people to be like, yes, she had money and she lived a comfortable life?

(01:34:12):
Or do I want them to know these things about me that I tried and I fought for?
Same thing that I think about my sister, she fought till the end.
She fought till she took that.
Sometimes I wish I had her balls.
I wish she could have just taken me because she would have done.
If I had her spirit, I probably would have already been in movies.

(01:34:35):
I would have had 10 scripts written.
because she didn't have that self doubt.
She really didn't.
She had the balls to go up to someone and be like, I know that I just had this hugeepisode, but I still want this and you should still give it to me because this is who I
am.
she pulled that.
her pull it from her like she would want you to do that stuff like she was like

(01:35:04):
Walk into a room.
Yeah, she wasn't and sometimes my mom would be like, how are you two so different?
Because she had all the self-confidence in the world and I've always struggled like I'vejust always struggled with my self-confidence and how I look and and all this stuff and
she was like You should be so lucky to be in a room with me

(01:35:28):
And maybe like for her that was just kind of like a facade her her way of growing past herpain or not dealing.
truly think that she really thought like that when she was in her right mind, but then shehad to deal with the fact that there was a side of her she couldn't control.
That was the thing is that she was such like her heart so good and she truly believed thatshe could have, know, wanted to teach kids or she wanted to help an old folks home or like

(01:36:01):
all these things that she just wanted to help people.
but then the world wouldn't forgive her for her, you know.
And that's sad when you have someone who just wants to do the good things.
And I think based on some of the things you said, I think there's people that failed hertoo.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I was just like, I wish we could all be more like that.

(01:36:24):
Like just chase our dreams without a thought of like, who's going to think this about meor think that about me?
So what if I fail?
I'd rather be remembered for someone who tried things and failed and someone who just sataround and did something that they didn't love to do.
And even if you try and you feel that you're failing, you wanting to help people is huge.

(01:36:51):
Because that's your goal.
That's where your heart is.
So you're truly never going to fail if that's what you're doing.
You will touch people.
You just, think nowadays it's like my husband does with his being a photographer.
It's like, it is hard with art nowadays because it's so much of it is, know, has to be onmarketing.

(01:37:14):
It has to be trending.
It has to be this and has be that.
And sometimes I feel like the stuff that has the most meaning isn't the stuff that gets alot of attention.
And so where do you hold your value?
Well, to me, as an artist, I want to be like, well, fuck them.
I don't want to do a stupid trend.
I don't want to do a stupid TikTok dance.
want to do that because what I want to create is something with meaning.
But here's the thing is if your meaningful work doesn't reach people, then it's not doingwhat it needs to do anyway.

(01:37:42):
So you have to find this balance of like, how do I?
I'm like, well, maybe I started YouTube because I'm never going to do stupid trendingstuff.
But I feel like people go to YouTube to to kind of like
to learn.
all of it.
Yeah.

(01:38:02):
Yeah.
Yeah, but it's finding a balance, Because like I said, you can't, you have to acceptsocial media.
For a long time, I was like, I just don't want to be a part of it.
But then you're shooting yourself in the foot because if you're talking about somethingsuper meaningful and it doesn't reach anybody, then what good is it?

(01:38:23):
Sadly, it's a necessity nowadays.
Yeah, so I guess just making sure that you don't lose your identity and stupid stuff thatit's necessary to get the views, but...
What's the name of the movie that you're going to be in?
Did they tell you any details?
The movie is called The Skull and it's a low budget film.

(01:38:48):
It's gonna be on Amazon and 2B.
But it's exciting just because it's my first.
Yeah, we start filming the first day is gonna be February 16th.
it's coming up.
Yeah.
You're doing amazing.
Get out of your head.
Get out of your head a little bit.

(01:39:09):
After getting kicked, yeah, that's, know, part of it is really just like, you have todisconnect from like looking stupid and looking all that, especially with my characters,
like this evil witch character.
I have to do like weird stuff.
crazy faces.
Yeah, and which is hard when I don't have the confidence in my acting skills to beginwith, but I'm gonna have to just, like, I think it's a good lesson for me right now in all

(01:39:35):
the other things that I'm trying to do is that I just have to turn that voice off becausethat voice hasn't served me and it will continue to not serve me.
half the time it's telling me lies.
Right?
Do like Beyonce does.
What does she have?
What's her alter ego?
Sasha Fierce or something?

(01:39:56):
Do whatever you got to do.
Well, I'm excited for you and thank you so much for sharing today.
I think I do think that it's it will help.
All of these have helped so many people already.
It's crazy.
It's doing exactly what I envisioned.

(01:40:16):
Yeah, you're doing amazing things.
Well, I just I just want to help them like you.
just want to help people like I don't want people to feel how I felt for so long.
You know, and I accomplish that, I'm OK with baby steps, however it is.
I think it's doing really well.

(01:40:36):
I I checked it out.
I I randomly saw like your ad or something and I was like, okay Well one congratulationson on the title of the podcast is
Yeah, I don't even know where that came from.
Just I was in damn life.
It's, you know, in learning, I'm reading all this stuff of like writing and stuff.

(01:41:00):
Like the title is gonna, it means a lot.
So it's good.
I love the concept.
think it's, I think that you're gonna like totally grow this thing.
I hope, I hope.
Still, I'm a little afraid of those haters.
once you do get negative comments, you're like, wow, I made it.

(01:41:20):
Yeah, right, right.
And that's I keep trying to say like, all right, that's a douchebag.
Preaching.
Yeah.
other people because, know, like, and that is hard.
You have to develop a thick skin.
But I know that too.
Like I know that if I post reveal and I'm only getting supportive things on it, that meansthat I'm only reaching people that I already know and they're going to support me.

(01:41:43):
Now if you start getting people that start having, cause I'm not going to, like, I knowthat talking about my car accident publicly is like, there are a lot of people that, that
have lost a son or whatever that
I am absolutely going to be the monster, so to speak, in their mind, 100%.

(01:42:04):
And there are people who would be like, she only got three years, that's ridiculous andshame on me.
And I'm a horrible person.
And I still exist like that in other people's minds.
And I understand that.
that's OK for them to feel that way.
control them.

(01:42:24):
People need also, for them to heal, they need to feel like they have someone to blame,right?
Ike.
They need a villain.
Yeah, I to, you know, the guy's his family, I, it may make them feel better that they areable to say, I am the cause of their pain, right?

(01:42:48):
It's me.
So some people need that and, you know, let them do that.
But other people also need to hear like, you know, maybe I should think twice aboutdrinking and driving, especially now that there's Uber.
There wasn't Uber all the time.
There's like no freaking excuse now.
Yeah, like maybe someone's like, I should think of that or, or, I should think twicebefore judging someone.

(01:43:13):
I should do that.
Like, that's the reason why.
to reach out to them at all after?
Or are you still like not supposed to?
I think I'm still scared to.
I guess I'm still, there's still a part of me that thinks like maybe they don't want tohear from me, And in that the way that I kind of view it now is that it's been so long

(01:43:41):
that I don't know if it's self-serving for me to reach out to them, right?
Even if it is a little bit, you're doing it for you, but even if they're not receptive,maybe it's just what you should do.

(01:44:01):
You know what I'm saying?
Especially if they were saying things like, she didn't reach out, she didn't this, forone, you weren't allowed to.
But now time has passed.
I mean, you're never gonna get over losing a child, but.
maybe it would help them if you reached out and you're like taking your part in that,owning your part.

(01:44:25):
Yeah.
I guess you'd never know until you try.
I wrote a letter to them when I was locked up and I just think for some reason, maybe itbecause we had a civil case still going on.
They didn't want me to send that because you never know what legal ramifications you canget into.

(01:44:48):
I guess it might be a little bit of fear of them not being receptive.
For sure.
It's like both.
think it would be weird if you didn't feel that way.
But maybe it'll help you with your healing too.
I'm sure you think about it.
Yeah, mean, think about it.

(01:45:12):
And especially now, you know, like the things that they said was like, you know, she'llshe'll never know what it's like to lose someone.
I do.
And that's you.
It's just also like where where I just feel like that pain that I feel to understand thatI caused someone else that pain.

(01:45:34):
Like that's just so hard.
Like.
I think about that a lot.
When I think about, I want to make things right, it's almost like I don't deserve that.
I don't deserve to make things right because of my actions of family loss.
Someone lost their son, someone lost their brother.
And since I so distinctly know what that's like, situation's a little different, but I'mlike, I don't deserve to feel better.

(01:46:03):
And that's almost like saying sorry would make
me feel better where I feel like I don't deserve to feel better.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Yeah, but maybe think of it as maybe you feel in your head you don't deserve it, but maybethey do.
Yeah.
deserve to hear that from you.

(01:46:24):
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, we can go 15 different ways, right?
Like, could be this and what if and yeah, mean, don't know.
Something to think about.
definitely something I should do, I guess, after all these years.

(01:46:44):
It's just like, yeah, it's one of those things that I don't want to cause more harm thangood.
And especially just bringing something up, but what if they close that chapter, they don'twant to hear from me at all.
how I doubt they ever will, you know?
When it's your child, like, I don't think so.

(01:47:07):
Yeah.
something to think about.
We're gonna have to have you on again later so you could talk about your movie and, andthings you're writing and.
So many things that.
Yeah, just start doing them.
Yeah.
You're done.
have a whole other chapter that I need to tell about.

(01:47:29):
Another thing that I want to do is documentary about.
My nose had a whole botched thing.
My first, I've had four or five rhinoplasties because I had a whole botched procedurewhere my nostril collapsed and all these things.
That's also a thing that I do like to talk about publicly because there's so much shitthat goes on with the plastic surgery world these days that is

(01:47:54):
actually I feel like is criminal, is actually criminal.
These doctors are literally criminal and from using influencers to market their stuff andeverything that happens that I experienced and it's been five years of trying to fix and
look somewhat normal.
Oh my God, we definitely have to talk about that.

(01:48:16):
because that we own aesthetics clinics, know.
Oh, so.
But I fully know what you're talking about and it happens all the time.
It happens even with just like fillers and shit like that, too.
But the plastic surgery side.
The doctors are, to me, the tactics that they use to sell plastic surgery, especiallyfacial plastic surgery, to me, it's unethical.

(01:48:42):
It's unethical.
And I really want to make a documentary about that too, because I did connect with a lotof...
The one reel that I did have that went viral was about one of my recent rhinoplasty.
Really?
Yeah, I got to connect with a lot of people.
And the sad thing is...
so many people go through it, but sadly the people that are watched don't show theirfaces.

(01:49:07):
So we don't hear their stories.
We only hear these influencers that are given free surgeries to promote these surgeons andwe only hear about theirs.
And we don't hear about the people that are literally suicidal because a doctor lied tothem about being able to do a simple procedure on their face, right?
Like it's...

(01:49:27):
Your nose looks good now, whoever did it.
It was a huge revision with my rib and my ear and...
I'll send you the real and I'll send you my revision page that I show the pictures ofeverything I went through with doctors that lied, doctors that was like

(01:49:50):
I have a good friend of mine, Dana Omari.
I don't know if you've ever heard of her.
She's IG famous by Dana, I think is her handle.
I'll send it to you.
But that's what she like does.
I mean, she's got like hundreds of thousands of followers.
But she like talks about that real shit.
Yeah.
So maybe that's something you could go on with her or something,

(01:50:13):
Because it's And like I said, the real problem of all this, and a lot of people are like,well, thank you for talking about it.
Because when people get botched, especially rhinoplasties, there's no sympathy for them,right?
Because people are like, well, you chose it.
You did this.

(01:50:34):
And it's like, yeah, I did.
But also, medical professionals lie about the outcome and about the risk.
And I trust them.
this medical doctor.
I also deserve a standard of care that I didn't get when I did choose this.
And realistically, we live in a day and age where we see all these things.

(01:50:54):
No wonder people don't feel good enough unless they have plastic surgery, and then youwant to shame them for doing it.
It's just so complex.
you're like this is a whole nother two episodes.
Yeah.
Yeah, before that I said we talked a lot about stuff that haven't literally probablynothing since the last 10 years I even really talked about this so

(01:51:16):
my God, so then maybe we just need a part two.
I need a part two.
Yeah, we'll do a part of the time.
Oh, it's three o'clock.
Yeah, well, yeah.
I should get together with your friend because I I still really would love to make anactual documentary then we got all we got all the equipment, but I think there needs to be

(01:51:42):
a huge documentary exposing this world for what's going on today because it is to me I'mlike these are doctors and they aren't really behaving in this Hippocratic oath where
we're like they're treating surgeries like
like use car sales lot.
Like I literally have a salesperson contacting me multiple times a day.

(01:52:02):
Like it shouldn't be like that.
Shouldn't be high pressure sales tactic to do plastic surgery.
Right?
Like so many things.
get sad because they ruin it for other ones.
Yeah, don't let's let's we're gonna do part two.
So everybody stay tuned for her part two.
We'll do that in the next couple weeks.

(01:52:23):
If you're if you're up for it.
I have my teeth.
See, I don't even see it.
All right.
Well, we'll end part one today then right now.
And yeah, we're having part two.
I appreciate you like being so vulnerable.

(01:52:45):
I know that that's hard.
It's hard.
If there's any haters, we'll go at them.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, you made it.
Yeah, that does.
That's true.
There's a lot of truth in that.
All right, well, we'll talk soon.
Yes.
Yes.

(01:53:05):
You're getting it out there.
Okay.
We'll talk soon, Bye.

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