Troubled Teen to Motivational Speaker with Nathan Wray

Nathan Wray's journey unfolds from being an "Air Force brat" to facing the harsh realities of bullying, substance abuse, and academic struggles. He reflects on the profound impact of his childhood experiences, the power of support and connection in education, and the invaluable lessons learned along the way. Emphasizing the importance of understanding and communication in both parenting and education, he highlights how these elements shape a child's path to success. His story delves into the consequences of past decisions, including a desperate escape from danger, a turning point with family, battles with sobriety, and the transformative experience of fatherhood. Coping with new responsibilities, financial hardships, and the resilience required to overcome adversity, he ultimately chooses purpose over pain, finding a fresh start in non-profit work. From personal struggles with substance use to becoming a passionate advocate for youth, Nathan sheds light on the importance of emotional regulation, strong support systems, and meaningful student engagement. Addressing the alarming rise of vaping among teenagers and the long-term effects of adverse childhood experiences on mental health, he underscores the significance of positive childhood experiences, the critical role of parental presence, and the lasting lessons from his father about preparation and performance.

 

Nathan’s Socials and Links

https://www.nathanwrayspeaks.com

https://www.facebook.com/nwrayspeaks

https://www.instagram.com/thatnathanwray

https://www.tiktok.com/@thatnathanwray

https://www.gigsalad.com/nathan_wray_harriman

 

Beyond the Monsters Socials

https://www.instagram.com/beyondthemonsters

https://linktr.ee/BeyondtheMonsters

 

*Disclaimer: The content shared on this podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. The discussions and experiences shared are based on our personal stories and opinions. This is not medical advice, and it should not be used as a substitute for professional medical guidance. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for any concerns or questions regarding your health.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hi guys.
Welcome back to Beyond the Monsters.
Today I have Nathan Wray here.
Wait, did say that right?
Yeah.
were just talking about this whole.
Yeah.
I never remember names or pronunciations.
like, in my mind it was already going, do I know it?
Do I know it?
Well, Nathan is going to tell us his story today.

(00:21):
So yeah, let's dive into it.
you
you
Yeah, so I I grew up as an Air Force brat and my dad When he started his career in thelate 70s.

(00:46):
He was the crew chief of Air Force one and That was a really prominent position.
Um, but I was just a you know, I was a baby So I didn't I didn't know anything but as I asI got older, you know, it was You you really have to you represent This family, but you
also represent this position right and so

(01:07):
I really just wanted to do my own thing.
I didn't want to fall under that umbrella of I have to be representative of this family.
I have to be Bill Ray's son, you know?
I wanted everything but that.
Yes, I wanted to be me.
And dad really, like he really did support that.
know, when I was 10, 11 years old, I would get in trouble for watching A &E and evening atthe improv or deaf comedy jam.

(01:36):
Because I shouldn't have been watching those shows, you know, I'm sure there was a kidcomedy show somewhere, but I wanted to be a comedian.
I wanted to make people laugh and I felt like that was really my ultimate coping skill asa kid was if I could make somebody laugh, then I could feel better about myself.
And if there was a situation where I felt sad or mad or angry, if I made somebody laugh,it made me feel better instantly.

(02:01):
Traveling around.
moving from Air Force Base to Air Force Base is very, very different to each one that yougo to.
You're either accepted very quickly or you're bullied very quickly.
So at 12, we moved to a new Air Force Base and the bullying seemed to kind of start very,very quickly.

(02:22):
So we moved seven days later, you know, we're there for like seven days.
After my first week of school on that Friday, I get invited to a birthday party and I'mthinking, okay, things are changing, right?
Like this is gonna be great.
So I go to the birthday party, you I tell mom and dad, like, I got invited to a birthdayparty and they're excited, I'm excited.

(02:44):
I go to the birthday party and it has everything that you would expect at a birthdayparty, right?
Like the pinata, it has the cookout, the presents, the cake and all that.
So we do the pinata, we do the cookout and then everybody goes inside for the cake and thepresents.
While we're inside, there's a girl inside that says to me, hey, if you go outside andsmoke a cigarette with me, I will be your girlfriend.

(03:07):
And yeah, like I was thinking like, I'm about to become a 12 year old legend.
know, like this is, this is it.
Like everyone will respect me now, you know?
And so I was like, of course I will go outside and smoke a cigarette with you.
So we went outside and we smoked a cigarette.
She put the cigarette out.
First time?
First time.

(03:28):
First time and I I had that immediate rush of of dopamine, you know not that real dopaminebut that nicotine induced dopamine and I I'm instantly just whatever was going on in my
life.
I just it went away and I thought this is great.

(03:49):
I like this And so we we smoked the cigarette.
She put it out
And then she told me, I was just joking with you.
And when she did that, I heard like everybody at the party laughing.
So this was planned, this was a thing that was to make me feel bad about myself.

(04:11):
And so I immediately left, right?
So I leave, I walk home, I get to the house and my mom and dad can smell the cigarettesmoke on me.
And then my dad, you know, smells my breath and he's like, you've been smoking.
You know, and they they could have said So many different things to me, know, like mydad's mom had passed away from lung cancer from smoking They could have said that you

(04:35):
know, like right it had been something to prevent it from happening again But they justdidn't know how to have that conversation You know and and like my kids are sick of this
conversation, you know and and
Most of them are adults, you know, my youngest is 16 and we still have this conversationlike every inch is like I get it um, but my parents didn't know and so They just said

(05:00):
you're grounded for two weeks And and that was it.
Well at end of two weeks I was like, how can I get another cigarette?
Right, you know, and so I went up to the to the store that was on the air force base Theycall it the the bx or the shopette
and they have those little ashtrays out, know, and so I would just wait for people thatwere, you know, smoking a cigarette.

(05:23):
They'd maybe have a full cigarette and they'd put it out.
And I'd go run and grab one.
And then eventually I figured out like who smoked at school and who else was stealingcigarettes at school.
then those became my friends.
And so that habit of smoking just became more and more and more.
And my parents just, I mean, they tried, but they,

(05:46):
did not know what to do.
was almost like they were just like, I mean.
And communication was so different with your parents when we were younger, you know?
Yeah.
this is this is 1989.
I think so.
Communication back then was just like, don't do it.

(06:08):
It was the big just say no.
Right.
Yep, right.
And I mean it was still happening.
I mean Reagan wasn't president anymore, but it was still going on The just say no thing,but it didn't work right like we have to do way more than just say no right Why do you say
no?
Mm-hmm?
You know?
What's your reason behind?

(06:30):
Even like being grounded.
Well, you're grounded two weeks for smoking the cigarette, but no explanation.
No.
Like maybe if they would have scared the shit out of you a little bit, you know, and saidlike about your grandma and things like that.
Who knows what direction it would have went.
You know,
I don't know, you know, and I think about like, I needed the discipline, but I also neededthem to explain why I was receiving the discipline, like, so that I could understand,

(07:01):
okay, so, so nicotine induced changes to the teenage brain can be permanent, right?
Like, but they didn't know that either, you know, and I don't know that many people knewthat.
I thinking that back then they probably didn't even put it out there like that at thatpoint.
No, mean at 14, I could send camel bucks in.

(07:21):
know?
And get the camel shirt or the backpack or whatever.
I mean I'm sure like that kind of thing just wasn't there, but any type of communication.
know, hey we expect more of you.
You know?
Or even something like, I don't know, it's just our family has never smoked.

(07:44):
We don't have smokers in our house.
And because you know your grandmother passed away, we don't do that.
Something that we're gonna stay away from and you know we want you to stay away because wewant the best health for you.
And like that would have worked, know, but it just wasn't, you know, it wasn't there.
as you know as time went on, you know I kept smoking and at 13 I met a friend at footballpractice and any...

(08:14):
offered to take me home one day after practice.
was 16, I was 13.
And he said, hey, if I give you a ride home, do you wanna smoke?
And I was like, yeah, sure.
I smoke all the time.
So I got in his car, I start to pull my cigarettes out and he's like, no, no, no, smoke.
I like smoke smoke.

(08:34):
smoke smoke, right?
Like it's 420 after class or after school.
I didn't want to be like, I've never done that before because I just wanted to bedesperately accepted.
Right.
And so I was like, yeah, I smoke, you know?
And so that was the first time I ever smoked marijuana.

(08:56):
And that kind of became my coping skill.
And I realize now as an adult that
that coping skill that I had as a kid of laughter, it just went away.
You over time, I was using cigarettes and then marijuana and that laughter, that desire tomake people laugh, that desire for comedy, it just left.

(09:24):
probably because you were kind of numbing it, you know?
well.
Yeah, yeah, so like, it was gone and
Did you notice that at the time or was it like when you look back, you know?
When I look back, because I thought I was still being funny, but I was being rude anddisrespectful.

(09:48):
And I didn't realize it.
And I would make jokes in school, and I would make jokes at home, but they weren't jokes.
They were really more like attacks on people.
And it was just full of disrespect.
But I thought I was being funny.
And if my friends would laugh, I thought, hey, I still got it.

(10:10):
I'm the funny guy.
But I really wasn't, know?
But I didn't know it then.
So I'm struggling in school and at 13, I'm moving into my freshman year.
So I go into my freshman year and immediately I'm failing all of my classes.

(10:33):
Immediately.
And still smoking, still smoking marijuana.
And so the...
before report cards come out, I decided that I was going to make fake report cards formyself, for my friends, and then for anybody else that would want one.

(10:55):
But I was gonna charge people.
And so I did that.
I was making fake report cards.
And I got away with it for a little while.
Till the next semester.
Progress reports came out the next semester and my mom got a phone call from the counselorand she said, we need to talk about Nathan's grades.

(11:19):
And my mom went, I know they're great, aren't they?
And the counselor was like, Nathan Ray?
And she was like, yeah, I've got his record right here.
They've been wonderful, you know?
And she's like, I think you better come into the office.
And then the whole thing fell apart.
And again, there wasn't that conversation of, hey, this is why you're in trouble.

(11:46):
This is why this is wrong.
This is why, you you might need a little bit of attention or maybe somebody instead ofasking me like, what's wrong with you, Nathan?
Because that was the question everybody asked me all the time.
Nathan, you don't turn in your assignments.
What's wrong with you?
I'd go to football practice and the coach would be like, we've ran this play a thousandtimes.
What's wrong with you?

(12:07):
You and that just started to become something that I believed like something.
I'm.
Broken thing.
And so I remember on the ride home from that day, like, why would you do this?
What is wrong with you?
Yeah.
You know, and so again, though, you're grounded two weeks.

(12:31):
You've been suspended from school.
Thankfully, you weren't expelled because.
because this really could have been, like this was a crime, right?
Like they could have prosecuted me for this.
But they didn't, they gave me a chance.
And so after that two weeks, I come back to school and I get invited to a party.

(12:58):
And so I don't tell my parents I'm gonna go to a party, I tell them I'm going to afriend's house.
Were you kind of nervous based on the trauma from or you're just way past that?
like I like at that point like I want to be in trouble Like I feel like like that's theonly way I'm getting attention.
That's the only way I'm Getting any type of feedback from anybody is when I'm in troublewhen I'm doing good.

(13:24):
No one's saying anything to me
Right.
And so the negative attention is better than no.
Which I don't think a lot of people recognize that even today when kids are acting out,usually 90 % of the time there's an issue, whether it's at home or with other kids or
whatever.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.

(13:44):
no, you're 100 % correct.
And I will, I'll dive into that in a minute on what I think is going on or what I believeis going on.
But for me, I wasn't scared.
I felt like I could just like run the world and I would be perfectly okay.

(14:05):
So I went to the party and I got drunk and my friends took me home and they dropped me offand...
You know, I walked through the front door and of course it was, what's wrong with youNathan?
Why do you act like this?
Why do you make these decisions?
You know, why are you messing up your life?
And they were right.
I mean, they weren't wrong, you know, but as a dad, like I think, like there's a wholedifferent way you could have approached

(14:32):
Right.
Right.
how can we help you?
Tell us some of the things that are bothering you.
Something.
Right.
Yes, yeah, so what I didn't realize is is you know, nothing was wrong with me I didn'tlearn this until I was an adult.
I had adverse childhood experiences.
I was abused very early in life by a relative and And I didn't know how to process any ofthat by a very close relative

(14:59):
Were your parents aware of it?
No matter of fact, my mom had asked me one time if there was anything going on and I toldher, I said, yes, this is what's going on.
And she said, no, but for real.
because she couldn't believe it, know, and I don't fault her for that.

(15:23):
She loves me and I have no doubts about that.
And she really did the best to protect.
you know, me and, but it's just, it would be hard to believe, you know.
The best she knew how, guess.
Right, yeah.
Easy to say.
Yeah, at that time.
Yeah.
And so, you know, I didn't know how to cope with, with any of that.

(15:46):
And so what I realized is that at the beginning, comedy was that coping skill.
then once, once I hit the cigarettes and then the marijuana and then the alcohol, and allof sudden I didn't have to feel feelings anymore.
I didn't want to feel feelings anymore.
I didn't want to, you know, have emotions and all of those things blocked that.

(16:10):
And so I just kept using those things, you know, over and over and over again.
When I was 15, I had a really good friend in high school and he didn't really want to dodrugs or use alcohol.
He really wanted to focus on basketball and just, you know, in the sense of things, justbe a good kid.

(16:38):
Right.
And I just kept on with the peer pressure.
You know, come on, just don't make me smoke alone.
Don't make me, you know, get high alone.
Don't make me drink.
And eventually he caved.
He caved to the peer pressure.
We both quit sports.
We both quit playing sports after our freshman year.

(17:01):
Wow, and he was pretty dedicated to that in the beginning
Yeah, yeah, he was really dedicated to it.
And so, you know, we just, were best friends.
We did everything together, we went everywhere together, we hung out all the time.
And we got in trouble together, you know?

(17:23):
And we caused trouble together, you know?
So our parents knew each other.
And now looking back on it, I think like,
they could have come together and brought us intervention style, know?
Like, we're gonna write this letter to you both.
But they just didn't know what to do.

(17:44):
And so we just kept going on with our lives through high school and we get to our senioryear and we're both struggling with school.
I am failing.
I have one class that I have to pass.
to graduate and I get pulled down to the counselor's office three months before graduationand they tell me, hey, you have to get this grade up or you're not gonna graduate and I

(18:13):
was just like, that's fine, no problem.
And just thinking like, I can do this without putting in any effort, I can do this withoutputting in any dedication, heck, I can do this without even turning in an assignment.
I'll just magically pass somehow.
Because I'm Nathan.
I mean a girl wanted to date me at 12 like I I had had Magically made that story to whereit benefited me right like yeah.

(18:42):
Yeah, even though that wasn't the case, right?
I made it the case, you know, so So I like I was just like yeah, it's it's fine.
Everything's gonna be okay So three weeks before my graduation our high school principalcomes down to that math class Mr.
Miller's math class and says
Mr.
Miller, need to see Nathan out in the hallway.
Nathan, grab your stuff.

(19:04):
Meet me in the hallway.
Came down and called you right out of class
I'm thinking in my delusional mind He's gonna tell me in the hallway that I passed andCongratulate me Right shake my hand you did it three weeks.
You're gonna get the cap.

(19:24):
You're gonna get the gown.
It's all gonna be okay.
Mm-hmm So I got in the hallway and he's like, let's go to your locker and in my delusionalmind I think I know what's happening here
My mom and dad are at the locker.
Like, it's all gonna be this congratulations.
Everything is gonna be great.
But as I'm walking to my locker, like I walk past my biology class and I look, I don'tknow why, but I look into my biology class and my biology teacher is like teaching, but he

(19:56):
looks out at me, he sees me passing.
And I don't know if you've ever seen someone like look at you and they know something'swrong.
But I caught that.
And I was like, no, this is bad.
And everything changed for me.
Like, I just shifted my mood, you know?

(20:18):
Heart drops to your stomach, all the things, butterflies, yeah.
Yeah, sweating, shaking, heart beating, all of that.
And so I get to my locker and the principal said, Nathan, whatever belongs to the school,take it out of your bag and put it in the locker.
Whatever belongs to you, take it out of your locker and put it your bag.

(20:41):
You're done here.
okay.
All right.
okay.
So what do you mean by that?
Like for the day?
No, your career here, your school career here is over.

(21:04):
You're not graduating.
Wow.
So he walked me to the front of the school and held the door open for me and said, luck.
And for years, I didn't go back.
For years, I avoided even being near that.

(21:26):
But I went home and walked through the front door.
Tronxy Nathan, school called.
Why are you messing up your life?
You need a high school diploma.
What's wrong with you?
Why are you broken?
And I held onto that for so long.

(21:50):
Yeah.
That's all you knew.
That's all you heard.
Right.
Yeah.
And that's like, would encourage people if you're asking someone that question, stop it.
Right, right.
Or at least ask a few more questions before that.
Like at least what is wrong?
Tell us what's wrong.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
Is there something going on that we can talk about?

(22:12):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I wish somebody would have asked me like, you know, and my mom did, but she didn't believeit, you know, but my teachers could have asked, know, hey, what's going on here, man?
Like, this isn't typical behavior, you know?

(22:33):
And so I went home, they were upset, and I really didn't know what I was gonna do.
It's kind of concerning too that they didn't, mean, even back when we were grade school, Ithink you're probably close to my age, I'm 48.
The teachers would, if kids were having issues, from what I remember, they would send,because I got sent a lot to the guidance counselors.

(23:02):
Now mind you, I didn't talk about my shit to them, but the teacher would recognize there'san issue.
You need to go see your guidance counselor.
And it's too bad that no one did that.
I had one teacher, Ms.
Sensabaugh, and I had her my sophomore year of high school.

(23:27):
And when she got my records, when she was looking at my records, there was a couple ofteachers who had wrote in my records, she'd probably just drop out.
And she called my mom and dad and she said, can you tell me what Nathan loves?
What does he love to do?
What is his favorite thing or what did he love to do?

(23:47):
and my mom and dad told her like he loves the Cubs and he loves the Chicago Bulls and He'sall about that stuff.
And so she was English literature class and so on the very first day of English literatureclass she was like, alright, we're going to read about the Chicago Cubs and Like she she
knew that that would get me right?

(24:10):
She knew that that would be the thing that would connect with me and it did
Yeah, where you
Yes, heck yeah, she's a Cubs fan.
And I thought, what I was thinking was I can easily guide her into an A because I'm a Cubsfan, she's a Cubs fan, so she'll just give me an A.
But she made me work for it, but I wanted to work for it because I enjoyed it.

(24:35):
And as time would go on, I would walk into the room and there would be a Ryan Sandbergposter or a Mark Grace poster and Cubs things and Chicago Bulls stuff on her desk.
And so she was
She was doing these things to keep my attention and to keep the conversation going withme.
Did you start to think to yourself like, maybe she cares about me.

(24:57):
Okay.
Absolutely.
I knew that she was the one teacher that absolutely cared.
I knew it because she invested in me.
You know, look at the difference it made even with you wanting to go to class and payingattention and yeah, noticing all that different stuff.
Gosh.
The little things.
the little things, that's it.

(25:18):
It's just the little things and it's just connecting with students.
That's all that it is.
If you can connect with your students, you've gone above and beyond what they everimagined you.
I got a B in her class that year and
And that was probably a big deal for you, right?
You were failing all the time.

(25:38):
It was a big deal for me, but I was accused of cheating.
Because all my other grades, I've been nothing but a bad student, and I get it, you know,I understand.
But when they brought me in, I said, listen, you know, she connected with me, and I'minterested in her class because she makes it interesting.

(25:59):
Everybody else is boring, and I'm sorry to tell you, but their classes suck.
And that's how I felt, you know?
She was always my favorite teacher and I had her again my senior year and did really wellin her class again.
But yeah, she was my favorite teacher.
But I ended up not graduating.

(26:22):
I didn't get the cap and gown.
I didn't get to walk across the stage.
Nobody handed me a diploma.
I had a friend come over after school that day that I got kicked out.
His name was Eric.
And Eric said, Hey man, like, are going to do?
And I go, I don't know.
I guess I'm just going to get a job.
And he said, no, like you need a high school diploma.

(26:44):
I don't know.
Like I'm good.
I'm just going to get a job.
And he goes, no, seriously, you need a high school diploma.
And I said, well, I'm not getting one.
And he said, well, do me a favor.
He said, why don't you go to Kokomo high school and sign up for, for summer school and,get your high school diploma.
Like finish your math class.

(27:07):
All that I needed was like half a credit.
That was it.
And I could graduate.
And I was like, no man, I don't know.
I'm not gonna do it.
And so he goes, what if I drove you every single day and then picked you up and drove youhome every single day, would you do it?
And I went, yeah, but you're not gonna do that.
And he said, yeah, I will.

(27:28):
And he did.
He did it every single day.
That's pretty amazing for that age, for someone to be that caring.
Eric was a great guy, a really great guy.
So he did that every single day.
I got my high school diploma in the summer of 1996, but I didn't get my, I'm officiallythe class of 1997 because summer school proceeds the next school year.

(28:00):
So.
So I got my diploma in 1997.
Immediately after that, my dad took a job with Southwest Airlines.
He retired from the Air Force, took a job with Southwest, and we moved to Phoenix,Arizona.
We got to Phoenix, Arizona, and I just spiraled out of control.
Like immediately I found he was smoking weed.

(28:23):
And then I wanted to be a big baller, right?
And so...
as I partied with people, you I saw quite a lot of marijuana moving around and I thought,I can drive some marijuana around, like I can do that.
And so I started doing it and I would load up the trunk of my Toyota Tercel, my 1996Toyota Tercel and I would drive it.

(28:55):
from like South Phoenix over to Mesa, Arizona.
And I would drop back into a garage and they would unload it and they would hand me money.
And then would drive back to South Phoenix and give the money back.
And during this time, you could have gotten in deep shit, right?
Because it's not like today.
Not like today.

(29:16):
No.
And still I like you probably would still get in for the amounts that I had.
There was one time where I was driving to Mesa and I was getting off on the exit that wentto Mesa and there was a police car that had turned his lights on and I thought I thought

(29:38):
he's pulling me over.
And so I was going really, really slow.
and I was trying to get to the stoplight so I could turn and go into the gas station topull over.
And so I'm going really, really slow and finally like he kind of zips around me and hegoes in the car in front of me and he stops and the car in front of me stops and he gets

(29:59):
out and he comes back to my car and he bangs on the window and I roll the window down, youknow, and I'm shaking like I'm like, God, I'm gonna go to jail.
And he goes, a police, when a officer has his lights on,
you get out of the F & way.
And I was like, yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
And he's like, have a great day.
And I was like, you too, sir.
And I just rolled up the window and I was like.

(30:22):
God.
And I drove the Mesa and I was like, what's the speed limit like right?
I'm going five under.
Yes.
Yes So while I was doing that like I I decided You know, no one's gonna know if I if Ijust pinch a little off the top before I get to Mesa and so I started to do that and I

(30:47):
just started to pinch a little bit off the top not much, you know and Maybe enough for ajoint
You know, and then it became more than a join and then it became.
Were the guys that you were delivering for, were they like hardcore, like don't F with uskind of people?

(31:08):
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, South Phoenix is like, it's not a great place to be.
And I wouldn't suggest anybody, I don't know what it's like now, but back then I wouldn'tsuggest anybody, you know, hang out in that area.
So.
So you're still taking a little bit knowing could have some serious consequences.

(31:31):
Could have some very serious consequences.
So I kept doing it and when I left Mesa, delivered everything, got the money, went back toSouth Phoenix.
So when I got back to South Phoenix, like there were a bunch of guys just sitting on theporch waiting for me.
And I thought, they just want the money.

(31:53):
You they're just waiting for the money.
And so I got out the car and I started to walk up to the porch and they started to walktowards me.
And I thought, okay, like I have to make a decision.
You know, do I run?
Do I just hand over the money?
Do I drop the money and run?
what do do?
You know, do I go back to the car?

(32:16):
Can I get in the car fast enough?
You know, like I'm trying to process all of this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they don't look happy.
They're angry.
And I know why.
I'm not stupid.
Right.
You know, I know why.
And so I, I just dropped what I had and I, I ran and I'm like, I'm running through SouthPhoenix.

(32:39):
I don't really know the neighborhood.
Um, but I'm, I'm running and they're running after me.
And so at this point, like I know, okay, like this is legit.
They, they will probably kill me if, if they catch.
And so I'm like running through yards and running around.
corners of streets and running through cars and just trying to get away as, as fast as Ipossibly can.

(33:03):
And I come around the corner of the street and there's like this driveway with a car.
And so I just like slid underneath the car to where like they couldn't see where I was at.
just slid underneath the car and it's probably like 1am in the morning.
Right?
So I slide into the car and I put my arms like this and I'm trying not to breathe.

(33:23):
I'm just like, because
I smoke, I smoke weed, my lungs are not good.
I want to be like,
You're totally out of breath.
right.
But I'm doing my best to this.
You know, and like I can hear them, you know, I can hear them walking around.
can hear them, you know, looking and and they they eventually, you know, leave.

(33:46):
go.
And so I'm sitting there thinking, what if they didn't go?
What if they're what if they know that I'm down waiting for me?
So I stayed there.
I laid under that car until like three thirty in the morning.
And then I started to think like, gosh, what of this homeowner like
works at 4 a.m.

(34:07):
I'm like, have a great day at work, you know?
Right.
So I finally like I crawl out from underneath the car.
I go to a gas station and I call my dad.
Yeah, because your car is still in that driveway.
Yeah, I call my dad at three in the morning.

(34:27):
I go, hey dad, I'm in trouble and I need you to come pick me up.
This is where I'm at.
Nathan, what is wrong with you?
Why can't you get it together?
Dad, I don't know, but I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

(34:51):
Can you come pick me up?
I'll be there in 30 minutes.
And he just hung up, didn't say bye, like, no, I love you, like nothing, just, I'll bethere in 30 minutes.
And I understand, like I understand.
So he came and picked me up, asked me where the car was and I explained everything.

(35:13):
You know, that's what I've been doing.
And he listened and we got back to the house and I went straight to my bedroom and I justshut the door.
And as soon as I shut the door, he like he knocked on my door and I opened it with thisungrateful attitude.
What?

(35:35):
Do you want a way out of this?
I don't know.
I'll think about it.
Well, if you do, and your mom are gonna transfer to Nashville, Tennessee.
You can come with us if you want, but if you don't come with us, this is it.
We're done with you.
We don't want anything else to do with you.

(35:57):
You've caused us too many problems.
You make too many bad decisions.
We've given you so much and we've asked for so little.
So you can go with us.
But again, if you don't, you won't see us again.
I don't know, I'll think about it.

(36:18):
And I shut the door.
And I shut the door for like two minutes.
You
And I was just, you know, I was thinking about everything that had gone on.
Right.
know?
Right.
And so I went over and knocked on their bedroom door and I said, Hey, dad.
And he was like, what?

(36:39):
Yeah.
What else could he possibly want?
And I said, I'll go with you.
And he said, okay, the moving truck will be here in 90 days.
Get your stuff ready and be ready.
and we'll go.
You're like, should I have to hide for 90 days?

(37:00):
90 days.
From those other people?
Oh, God.
And you know what, you're right.
I mean, I really didn't have to hide though because my mom and dad lived in such a niceneighborhood.
And I was pretending to be somebody that I wasn't.
So they would have never even thought.
They would never even thought that I lived in this nice neighborhood And so for 90 daysthat is that's where I stayed, you know, it's if I need to go to the store I went to the

(37:29):
store that was close to the house.
Mm-hmm, you know and so So we did the 90 days and we moved to Nashville and when we got toNashville I asked my dad if he would help me get a good job And he said yeah, I hope you
get a good job.
But like you have to be sober You're gonna have to pass a drug test.
You can't just
get a good job.

(37:51):
And so I stayed sober for 30 days, long enough to pass a drug test after I had myinterview.
And I interviewed with Southwest Airlines and I became a baggage handler for them.
And I'm sure you've flown, know, a baggage handler.
We lose your bag.

(38:11):
OK.
All right.
I so I I started to do that and then of course, you know wasn't the 31st day that I wasWhere's the bar?
Where's the drinks?
Where's the weed?
You know, where's the trouble?
Mm-hmm.
And so I just started getting back into that and I met a girl that was a Baggage handleras well and I asked her out and at first she was like

(38:43):
No, absolutely not.
She's like, I don't even know you, you know?
And I was like, well, you know, I'll try again, just see what happens.
But I got to know her, you know?
I didn't wanna just be like, I'm gonna ask you out a thousand times.
Steve Urkel and Laura, you know?
So I got to know her, she got to know me, and so I eventually asked her out again, and shesaid yes, and so we started dating.

(39:11):
It was going really well.
She just didn't really know that I was smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol in my sparetime.
And so we dated and we eventually got married and then she found out.

(39:32):
We had a son and when he was three months old, I got off work one night.
I went to the bar, I got drunk, I went to a friend's house and I got high and then I wenthome.
And when I went home, she was sitting on the front step waiting for me.

(39:56):
And I pulled in the driveway and it was like being back in that hallway at school again.
My heart was beating, I was sweating.
I couldn't breathe.
And I thought, okay, this is gonna, I'm just making all this up.
This is gonna be okay.
She's just waiting on me.

(40:16):
I'm home later than what I said I would be.
So she just got worried about me, you know?
So I got out of the car and I walked up to the house and she said, Nathan, you have tomake a decision.
You can be a husband and a father or you can live that life, but you can't do both.

(40:36):
And I said,
All right, fair enough.
And so I walked in the house and I packed a bag and I threw up my car and went to afriend's house and asked if I could live with him.
this is where my life changed though.
This is the turning point because he let me live with him but in his garage.

(41:04):
I couldn't live in a bedroom.
have a bedroom and he had an open bedroom.
But he made me stay in the garage because I smelled like smoke, I smelled like cigarettes,I smelled like alcohol.
And so I stayed in that garage for like eight months, nine months and by myself, know,alone and I was miserable.

(41:30):
And I woke up one day and it was like, I don't know, was like one or two in the afternoon.
And I just kind of looked around, you know, in this garage and I thought, what am I doing?
You know, like I have this wife and I have a son.
My dad doesn't talk to me.
My mom don't talk to me.
Like, what am I doing?

(41:50):
they stopped talking to you.
yeah.
Yeah, and so I called my dad and I didn't think he would answer but he answered and I saidI don't know what to do and I thought he was gonna say like what's wrong with
Right.
And it was the first time that he said, he goes, let's go back.

(42:16):
He said, let's go back.
He goes, let's go kindergarten.
What happened?
And I go, I don't know.
And he goes, no, like what happened in kindergarten?
Anything?
Anything happened then?
I go, I don't know, dad.
What are you talking about?
He goes, is this anything that was impactful to your life?
Did anything happen then?

(42:37):
I go, well, sure, like.
You know, had friends and you know, then we moved, you know, and I had to like lose all myfriends and he's like, okay, all right.
Yep.
That matters.
That matters.
What about third grade?
You know what happened?
Well, I had that big surgery.
Yep.
That matters.
That matters.
Fifth grade.

(42:58):
Yeah.
Well, started smoking, you know, like, okay, all right.
You know, like let's, let's keep moving on in this, you know, we just went down the line.
He never asked about, you know, the abuse, I don't think he knew.
I don't think my mom ever mentioned it because she didn't believe it, you know, but he didwhat he could.
And at the end of that conversation, he said, Nathan, he said, you have two options.

(43:26):
He said, you can take all that pain, he said, and you can use it to make excuses for yourlife.
He said, or can take it and create purpose for your life.
What do you wanna do?
And I said, well dad, that's why I'm calling.
I said, because I wanna create purpose in my life.
wanna be a husband and a father, but I don't know what to do.

(43:48):
Like you need a direction.
Yeah.
Yeah, and he said, have you called your wife?
And I went, no.
And he goes, well, get out the phone with me and call her.
And I was like, I don't want to.
Yeah, much.
She's gonna be like, yeah, yeah, she's gonna be like, don't call me, call your dad orsomething, I don't know.

(44:10):
But we hung up and I called her and I didn't think that she would answer, you know, Ireally didn't.
But I called her and she did answer and I said, I wanna be a husband and a father and I'msorry that I made the choices that I made and if you're willing, I would like to figure

(44:33):
this out.
And you know, we talked for probably a good hour and she said, okay, you know, we'llfigure this out.
Why don't you get your stuff and you know, why don't you shower and come home and thenwe'll talk some more.
And so I was like, oh man, this is this is it.
This is so much better.
So I got ready, I drove over there, I walked through the door and I'm beelining for ourbedroom, right?

(44:59):
Like I'm gonna go put my stuff away in our bedroom.
And she was like, whoop, whoop, time out.
She's like, you're gonna be in that, but.
Because you've got some stuff to prove to me.
And.
Good sh, yeah.
She had boundaries and she had expectations and she had rules right at the beginning.

(45:21):
And so, you know, like she, if I went to my mom and dad's house, like I had to call assoon as I got there because she knew how long it took to get from our house to their
house.
Mmm.
And so there were times where I walked in and like my dad would be holding the phone andhe would go, it's Kara.

(45:42):
And I go, hey, I'm here.
And she go, okay, all right, call me when you leave.
Okay, bye.
If I went to the grocery store, like I had the list of what to get, but there was a timelimit.
Like you have 30 minutes at the grocery store to get these items.
That's all that you
Was this just until she felt she could trust you?

(46:02):
Okay.
Yep, that was it.
And then when she felt she could trust me all those things lifted and that was after abouta year of of doing it.
Yeah, because I still struggled
Sure, of course.
And I still wanted to just be like, one drink and it won't hurt nobody.

(46:24):
But I knew if I did that I wouldn't be in that house anymore.
And that was everything for me.
That's I wanted to be.
I wanted to be in that home with her.
And now your son is probably what may be starting to walk and he's like a year old.
Yeah, yeah, you know and he's he's walking he's he's doing those things that a typicalone-year-old would do but but not everything which Created some concern for us.

(46:56):
And so so we found out that he had autism you know, and that was that was difficult, butso we We move back in together like life is is good but
but now we have this new diagnosis and now we have this new challenge.

(47:17):
And now we're trying to navigate this, you know, and we have no clue how to do this.
And I will tell you that it's, at the beginning it was nonverbal.
There were behavior issues out the door and my coping, my immediate coping skills were Ineed a drink, you know?

(47:41):
But again, that's not where I wanted to be.
I wanted to be a dad and a husband.
And that's where I wanted to be.
And so that's what I focused on was being a dad and a husband.
How can I help?
What do I need to do?
Do I need a better job to get better insurance?
we did those things.
so.
probably still had the craving or wanted to least numb some of it because you had yourhands full.

(48:07):
I've always wanted to numb pain.
I've never wanted to experience it.
Because for everyone pain is uncomfortable.
For sure.
But you can't numb every pain that you have and pain is good.
Pain is a good thing.
tells us something's wrong.
Pay attention to this.

(48:29):
Warning sign.
But I still wanted to numb it and so
What I started doing was I didn't realize but I was eating out of control.
And when I got married, I was probably like 190 pounds.

(48:49):
And by the time that our son was five years old, I think I was 301 pounds.
Okay, so you were eating a lot.
eating a lot and I didn't see it as an addiction.
I was just hungry.

(49:09):
I don't know why every time he cries I get hungry.
Every time you're mad at me I get hungry.
But that's what it was to me.
And a lot of times we go, I mean, it's just fact, it seems with most of us, you go fromone addiction to another if we're not really treating the root causes of all that.

(49:30):
Yeah, because I wasn't treating that adverse childhood experience.
I'm not treating any of them.
None of them.
It was, I'm just going to pretend like everything's okay, you know?
And try not to create those for my kids or guard them from them.
So we had our son, we ended up having another daughter in 2006, 2005.

(49:57):
And then we had another daughter in 2006.
One right after another.
Wow, now your hands are really full.
our hands are really full, almost tied.
Our youngest daughter at the time was presenting signs of autism as well.

(50:19):
And we knew it, we knew it.
And so we started fighting for her.
And the doctors kept telling us, no, she makes eye contact, it's fine.
And every time...
you know, every time she cried or we got that no or whatever, I would eat.
That's my coping skill, I'm gonna eat.

(50:42):
So in 2008, we had summer and summer comes along and now our hands are super full.
We're just, we're- there's four?
There's four now.
And we'd actually had moved to Casa Grande, Arizona before Summer was born.

(51:07):
I had taken a job out there outside of Phoenix, so nobody would.
Yeah, you didn't want that coming back.
Right.
So she was born in Casa Grande and we eventually moved back to Bell Buckle, Tennessee.
We got to Bell Buckle, Tennessee.

(51:29):
We were broke.
We were just completely broke.
was, you know, in the 2007, the market had crashed.
Whatever could go wrong could go wrong.
I took a little job and wasn't making very much money.
but we were broke.
Eventually I got a promotion, we moved to Knoxville, and then the company that I wasworking for went out of business.

(51:55):
And it was just like, God, what do do?
And we were broke again, and we lived in this house with no electricity and no water.
And I will tell you the hardest thing for me to hear as a dad was we're hungry.
and there wasn't much that you could do about it.

(52:18):
So a little church had invited us to church and they would feed the kids and give us food.
And there was one night where we had a kerosene heater and at 414 in the morning it wentout and that was it.
That was the last of it.

(52:38):
And it was the dead of winter and it was cold.
So we moved all the kids out into the car and I decided that 414 was gonna be my number.
I was gonna put in 414 applications.
I was gonna help 414 people.
I was gonna volunteer 414 times.
I didn't care.
414 was gonna become my number.

(52:59):
I wasn't gonna focus on what was wrong.
I was gonna focus on what I could do, what I could control.
Not what I couldn't control, but what I could control.
It didn't take 414 applications.
It didn't take helping
414 people, didn't take volunteering 414 times for our lives to change.
It took probably 20 applications.

(53:20):
It probably took like four or five people, know, and three volunteer, you know, things andthings started to change around very, very quickly.
And so we, I took a job as a sales manager and life got very, very good.
And so,

(53:41):
We were doing very well and then I got laid off.
And again, just right back to I'll just eat, know, figure that out.
But I got a job pretty quick because, you know, I still wanted to do the 414 thing.
Like, okay, it worked before, I can do this again.
And so I did it again.

(54:02):
And I got a job pretty quick.
It was a big pay cut.
So we moved into a much smaller house.
It was like two bedrooms.
700 square feet, we've got four kids, six people in this house.
We're just trying to navigate life.
And we're doing okay.
We're not doing great, but we're doing okay.

(54:24):
And one night our house caught on fire.
Ugh.
And it was just kind of like, what do you do?
How much more can we take?
And I'm at this point where I just want to break.
I just want to break from it all.

(54:47):
And my brain starts to think, oh, I know how you can get a break.
I know exactly how you can get a break.
But again, I'm just like, no, but I want to be that dad and that husband, and I know if Ido any of that.
That's over, because my wife has made that clear, like, you go back to that, that is over.
And so the Red Cross puts us up at a hotel and I stay awake while everybody else goes tosleep and I hate the sound of snoring, I hate it.

(55:17):
But it was the most beautiful sound that I'd ever heard like that night because everybodywas alive, you know, and everybody was okay and we were gonna make it through that.
It was gonna be okay, you know.
So we had to move out of that house, we got a different house, and I got another job, andthings are going well, and then I had a major back injury.

(55:45):
And I'm like,
up then down.
And down up poster and it it it was just this I don't know it was this So defeating, youknow, the back injury was so defeating that because I wanted to be That I'm a man.

(56:08):
can take care of my family I can go to work, you know, I can do all these things and Icouldn't I Lost my job Ended up in a wheelchair
Because we didn't have insurance and I couldn't do anything about it and I I tried likethat, but I didn't know what to do and so My wife, you know was working but it wasn't

(56:33):
enough to to carry us, you know, and so So one day I was sitting on the couch and thistelemarketer called He was like, hey you want to buy some insurance and I was like dude,
let me just tell you about insurance
And I went off on him.
I totally went off on him.
And he was like, hey, listen, I'm gonna call you when I get off of work.

(56:59):
And I'm gonna tell you how you can get insurance.
You don't have to pay for it, but I'm gonna tell you how to do it and you can get help.
And I was like, yeah, whatever.
I'll believe it when I see it.
I know what my life is, it sucks.
It's the worst ever.
That's where I was at at that point.
get off the phone, he called me at seven o'clock that night and he was like, here's howyou do it, get your laptop out, I'm gonna show you.

(57:23):
And did everything and I had insurance card in like two weeks.
And so then back surgery, all that was possible.
Had my back surgery but couldn't go back to the jobs that I was doing and so I could sell,I could sell cars, I was good at that and so.

(57:45):
I applied at a car dealership.
I had asked a friend from church if she would be a reference for me.
So I called her and I got her voicemail.
And I said, hey, I was calling to see if you'd be a reference for me.
Give me a call back.
It's pretty urgent, so just give me a call back.
she was like, so I just waited and I didn't get a call back.

(58:07):
And I was like, so I guess we're not friends, you know?
And the whole week went by and I was like, geez, man, like what did I do?
Yeah.
You know, well, she called back the next week and she said, Nathan, I'm so sorry.
When I go on vacation, I shut my phone off and I don't, I don't respond to anybody.

(58:27):
Like it's my time to unplug.
She said, did you get the job?
And I said, no, I didn't hear back from them at all.
And she goes, good.
And I was like, good.
It's like, screw you, man.
Like, what do mean?
And she's like, well, there's a job that I think it'd be really, really good for.
And, um,
and I'm gonna connect you with the executive director.

(58:48):
And so she connected me and it was a job at a non-profit and they did substance useprevention education in the schools, with adults, with different organizations.
But I applied for it and I got back this letter and it was like, it said, you know, haveall the parameters but you don't have a bachelor's degree and I was like, yeah.

(59:13):
Yeah.
I'm out.
And Sarah went back and I was like, hey, thanks, know, appreciate it.
I noticed that you have to have a bachelor's degree.
That doesn't, that's not me.
So, but thank you anyways.
And they called me and they said, yeah, we don't, we don't care.
Just come in.
We want to talk to you.
And I was like, huh, okay.

(59:34):
And so I went in and, and this is, this is the other part of my life has changed.
This was 2017.
I went in, I had the interview and I started like a week later.
And my very first week, I had someone that was training me and they had a school assemblyscheduled.

(59:55):
And they said, hey, at the end of the week, we're doing a school assembly.
Don't worry, I've got everything handled.
Cool.
Wednesday I came in and I was told she just quit, she's done.
You got it.
you got the school assembly.
Cool.
Like what do I do?

(01:00:18):
And so I just thought, well, I can kind of tell my story about how I started smoking, howI started using marijuana, how I started drinking alcohol, and kind of explain why those
things are bad decisions, but how my mom and dad could have prevented it.

(01:00:39):
but how my emotional regulation could have prevented it too if I would have used copingskills.
And so that's what I did.
I went in, I did that and it got a big round of applause and the principal wrote my bosswas like, it's the best assembly we've ever had.
then I just went to regular work, like life went back to normal.

(01:01:03):
The next year, we hired somebody to come in and do that.
And we like a lot of money, you know, a lot of money.
Yeah.
And I saw that and I thought, well, yeah, like I can do that, you know, and if I can dothat at this school, I can do that.
At other schools, I went home and I talked to my wife and I said, what do you think aboutif I were to start like reaching out to schools and and asking them if I could come speak

(01:01:30):
to their students with the experience that I have?
And she said, I was wondering like when you would start doing that.
And I was like, awesome.
So I just started.
She's probably so proud because she has seen you go through everything.
full circle.
Typically she travels with me everywhere.

(01:01:51):
And you know this, but my dad passed away a couple of weeks ago, so she's with my momtoday.
But typically she's with me everywhere I go.
Because she is proud of me.
And she's that support system.
Plus she does like the back end of the business.
She handles all the bookings, she handles...

(01:02:13):
all of the IRS stuff, she handles all of the paperwork.
I don't have to touch any of that because I was, and there was a day where she opened upmy website and it had all these open invoices.
It had like eight open invoices and she was like, how many open invoices do you have?

(01:02:36):
And I was like, I don't know, like maybe three?
And she's like, eight, Nathan.
There are eight open invoices.
And I was like,
Yeah, I don't know, you know, like I just do it.
I don't for me, like I don't care if I get paid, you know, and she's like, well, I do.
Yeah, we got to pay bills, know, so she took all of that over and she she still handlesall of that today.

(01:03:02):
But we.
That's that's what I do now.
I don't I don't work for a nonprofit anymore.
That's what I do.
I speak at schools and conferences.
Love it.
And we just signed.
the biggest contract we've ever signed with a national organization.
so that'll keep us pretty busy.

(01:03:23):
So, yeah.
I love your story with her, where it started and now you guys are such a team.
She's my, I've had friends tell me, know, I'm your biggest supporter and I'm like, no,you're not.
You don't even come close.
You don't even come close.

(01:03:43):
It's my wife.
Yeah.
And she was hard on your ass in the beginning.
to be.
Good girl.
And consistent.
Sounds like she was consistent with it, which is so important.
Yeah.
wish she would tell her story because she's that way because of her story.

(01:04:06):
But she's not a like, want to be in the public.
She's like, I'm fine doing the paperwork in the back room.
You go do that.
I'll be back.
Have you been getting like, kind of responses are you getting from the kids when you,cause I think it's so important how it just started with cigarettes and then progressed
today.
It's way worse.
I mean, it goes from one thing.

(01:04:29):
It could be alcohol straight to heroin.
I mean, it's just so scary.
is probably the biggest issue that middle schools and high schools have, vaping, nicotineand marijuana.
But the response that we're getting from the kids is really, really good.
They're enjoying the presentation.

(01:04:49):
I use all their words, know?
Right.
So when I talk about meeting my wife at the airport, I'm like, I'll say, I saw this girlat the airport and I was like...
You know I got that Riz, right?
And so they, just like, man, right?
And I have a senior picture that I show.

(01:05:10):
I show that picture right after a really heavy moment in my story.
And I'll go, I'll pull up the senior picture, and I'll go, this is my senior picture, andI know what you're probably thinking.
And I'll pause for a moment, and I'll go, you're probably thinking.
dang, that guy's got a lot of Riz and you are right.
That guy has so much Riz.

(01:05:33):
And so like, I love to use their language.
You know, alpha, sigma, all that stuff.
I do that.
I just make it fun for them because I don't want it to just be someone lecturing them.
It's gonna be fun.
Right, it's gonna be fun and interactive.
And that's what it is.

(01:05:54):
I've got some stuff that I use with them, some demonstrations I do with students andopportunities for them to get in front of their peers and kind of show off a little bit.
But the feedback is really good.
The principals, the educators, their feedback is really good.

(01:06:16):
The other thing that I've been working on, not just assemblies, is I've been part of a
like a system to where I'm helping schools like look at their school policy, their tobaccoschool policies.
And I've helped, I haven't done this myself, but I've helped two schools remodel theirpolicies.

(01:06:44):
so because of that, I teach a four hour class on Saturdays at those school districts.
One of them is
an hour and a half away from me, and then one's 45 minutes away from me.
But we've restructured those school policies.
We've tracked everything, we've tracked the data.

(01:07:07):
And at the end of last year, the first school that we had, they had reduced their vapingcitations by over 68%.
Wow.
Yeah.
Vaping for me is so scary.
Like anytime I see anybody, I'm like, shouldn't be doing that because I feel like they'reall just guinea pigs with that.

(01:07:28):
We have no idea what those are gonna do yet.
The Truth Initiative just did a study and over 80 % of the vapes that are on the markettoday are illegal.
They haven't gone through the process with the FDA to have the approval to be sold.
The FDA is not gonna regulate them.

(01:07:50):
They're not gonna go into the the manufacturing, go are you putting the right amount ofthis and this and this.
They're not gonna do it.
But there is a process that you have to go to the FDA and you have to say I want to sellthis vape.
And they have to approve it over 80 % of the ones that are on the market today are notapproved by the FDA to be on the shelves You're a guinea pig if you are vaping you're a

(01:08:13):
guinea pig and and What is the same thing that happened with tobacco we're gonna go.
holy crap People are dying What are we gonna do we now we can't backtrack now now we'rewe're too deep in so now what do we do?
And we have kids that are, you know, they're ending up in intensive care because of howmuch they've aged.

(01:08:39):
That's crazy.
It is crazy.
It's crazy.
And they're real good at sneaking them too.
Like putting them in their sleeves and hiding the smoke because it's not like regularcigarette smoke.
Nope.
Yeah.
And they make hoodies to where the hoodie string, you put it in your mouth and.
What?

(01:08:59):
Yeah.
And then they'll take their, kids are like, don't give it away.
They take their sleeve and they bloat in their sleeve and you don't see it.
Or they'll inhale it and they'll, and I used to do this with marijuana, but they'll inhaleit they'll go, and they'll just keep it in.
That's called zeroing.

(01:09:21):
Okay, well that can't be good at all.
Not yeah, it's not because well they think like it's just water vapor, know, but thosethose heavy metals Those particles are staying on their lungs.
I mean, this is it's a very dangerous Drug and they they just don't have any any idea, youknow

(01:09:42):
been a couple things that have been out there, like in the news and stuff too, where therehas been something very negative that happened, or they've blown up just different things.
And I don't know why, but I guess it's an addiction.
People, once they're using it a little bit, it's an addiction fully.
It is, and the crazy thing is, there's no way to tell how much nicotine is in a vape.

(01:10:11):
Who was it?
I'll have to look it up, but there's a program that the American Lung Association doesthat's called In-Depth.
And in the In-Depth program, they talk about a study that was done where some of the vapejuices were tested, and they were zero milligram vape nicotine.

(01:10:31):
They tested them and they were over 20 milligrams of nicotine in those bottles.
And so imagine if you're thinking, I'm going to quit.
I'm going to reduce myself down to zero.
get to zero.
I'm thinking everything's fine, but I'm getting over 20 milligrams of nicotine.
Every time I hit this, this is zero milligram nicotine.

(01:10:54):
You have no clue how addicted you are because you have no idea how much nicotine isactually in the vape.
Right, right.
And I think because it's so easy to they constantly are puffing on it like like it becomesthe habit, like, you know, the kind of like the oral fixation that people you say with
cigarettes, you know, if you just hold the cigarette, but don't light it and you're stillgoing through the motions, I think that they start just hitting on that thing constantly

(01:11:22):
because it's habit.
Yeah, it's habit, they've been disciplined to do it.
And they've been disciplined to do it because when they're mad, they vape.
When they're sad, they vape.
When they're hurt, they vape.
When they're jealous, they vape.
anxiety and, yes.
And they think like they're they're fixing all of that, but they're making it work andThey they just don't realize it and and so we have this whole epidemic of teenagers right

(01:11:50):
now that We have this mental health crisis and in teenagers today.
It's being caused by adverse childhood experiences being caused by social media It's beingcaused by nicotine And and like everyone's like what do we do?
What do we do?
Well, what like let's backpedal a little bit.
Let's
take a look and see, you know, okay, what's going on in your life?

(01:12:17):
When you're mad, do you go to social media?
When you're sad, or does social media make you sad?
Are you doom scrolling?
And then when you're doom scrolling, how often do you hit the vape?
And it's like, we can fix this.
We can solve this issue.
But I don't know, I just.

(01:12:40):
you get into ASOS
Yeah, so like someone like me who has four or more adverse childhood experiences is 38times more likely to die by suicide.
400 % more likely to suffer from depression and then someone like me who has six or moreACEs is likely to lose about 20 years off the end of their lifespan.
But, but let's talk about paces for a minute.

(01:13:04):
Let's bring the positive into it.
The positive childhood experiences.
Things like one-on-one interaction, coaching, mentorship.
just a teacher who brings in Chicago Cubs stuff, right?
Michael Jordan stuff and says, this is what we're gonna do and this is how we're gonnaconnect.
Just having those kinds of things, like those are positive childhood experiences,community events.

(01:13:28):
That's a positive childhood experience.
We need those to outweigh
way the adverse childhood experiences and the more positive ones you can give as acommunity what happened to it takes a village it left it left it's still true it takes a

(01:13:51):
village it but it takes the whole community but as a community the more paces that we canprovide better that the better outcomes we're gonna see
I love that you're out there educating people on that because I don't think people reallythink of anything that way anymore.
No, no, and like I can tell you I have so many parents that call me and they'll go my kidis moody He's he's angry all the time And and we don't know what to do and i'll and i'll

(01:14:22):
say go to their room and look for a vape and they'll go No, it's not that and i'll go goto their room and look for a vape Not our son.
It's not our son wouldn't do that.
I'm like, just humor me If you don't find it, then then you can see you can say I told youso
look under the pillows in between the mattresses, in their drawer, everywhere.
All right, plugged into their computer.

(01:14:43):
Yeah, and nine times out of 10, I'll get a call back.
We found six vapes, we found three vapes, we found one vape, you know?
And it's like, okay, so now let's talk about their life.
Before you get upset, before you get angry, before you get mad, let's talk about theirlife.
What's happened in their life?

(01:15:05):
What are the hard things that have happened in their life and how did you deal with thosehard things for them?
or how did you help them deal with those hard things?
And it's that coaching process because I know for a fact that if you catch your kid vapingand then you walk into their room and you go, what is wrong with you?

(01:15:26):
You can't be doing this, you've lost your mind.
That's not gonna work.
They're not gonna be like, you know what, mom, you're right.
I won't ever vape again.
Right.
Got it.
You know, they're going to wait for you to leave and they're going to find the one thatthey hid really, really well and they're going to hit it.
never be up again in front of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

(01:15:47):
Yeah.
But it's it's the it's it is it's the positive childhood experiences that change the gameand and we so often in the mental health world We talk about aces aces aces aces aces.
Here's the data.
Here's the data Here's the data and we don't go but here's the actionable strategies ofpaces That wipe these off the table or at least help kids

(01:16:16):
Deal with them to where they can arrange them on the plate and say that's the food that Idon't like But man, I really like peas and I really like carrots and and boy do I love
this cinnamon
But we have to dive in a little bit and ask them what's going on, not what's wrong withyou.
And at the same time, you know, like if you have a seven year old who has some trauma, youknow, get down on their level and play with them.

(01:16:45):
No, if they want to play Barbies, play Barbies.
If they don't play G.I.
Joe, play G.I.
Joe, but get on their level and play with them and give them the serve and return.
If they go, Hey, can I see you for a minute?
You go, yeah.
Hey, what's up, buddy?
You know, not just a minute.
on.
Hang on.
You know,
See, I'm really guilty of that, like even with my grandkids, because I'm always like, I'musually, I'm always busy.

(01:17:10):
So one, okay, eh, yeah.
I mean, I'm guilty of it too, but it's.
Yeah, but that's gonna make me think you saying that like that.
It's gonna make me think.
The more you're aware of it, mean, the better you can do.
And I don't say any of these things to shame anyone.
Like, I suffer with it too.
And like I realized one time, you know, I was telling my kids, like, you guys are on thosephones way too much, you know, way too much.

(01:17:36):
You're on those tablets way too much.
You play video games way too much.
And then one day, like I'm sitting in my room and my kids come in and they're like, heydad, and I'm like, hang on.
And I'm not doing nothing.
I'm just scrolling.
I'm like, hang on, hold on.
And then they leave, I don't even notice they left, you know?
And then one day they're talking to me they're like, dude, you're on the phone way morethan we are.

(01:17:59):
And I'm like, man.
my own business.
it's true.
It's true.
Yeah.
It is and I think that's causing that epidemic of loneliness is that parents around theirphones trying to decompress they're trying to deal with their stress kids around their
phones and then when they're trying to deal with their stress and they want to talk to momand dad mom and dad are like hold on watching this video on how to make lemon cakes yeah

(01:18:30):
it's but but
It's really tough adulting.
is.
You know?
It is.
Yeah.
But I'm glad that you said that though, because I think that I will recognize that.
Because as soon as you said it, I'm like, shit, I do that a lot.
Yeah.
a lot too.
And I've tried to be more aware how much that I do it because I don't want my kids to feellike dad was never available.

(01:19:02):
Present with a yeah.
Yeah
you know, in the past couple of years, my, kids have said to me, I've said to them, know,you guys ask your mom for help all the time.
Why don't you ask me for help?
And they go, well, you're always busy.
I, and so now I'm like, well, I'm not, you can, you can ask me for.
You know, so I don't know.

(01:19:25):
Like I had to change that.
I had to change that perception of them thinking that I was busy too busy for them.
You know?
So yeah.
gosh, now I'm thinking I can make some changes.
Yeah, no, they are good changes.

(01:19:46):
You brought up so many good points.
changes.
don't think that anything that we can do to better our kids lives is ever a negativething, you know?
And there's so many things that I still need to do, you know?
And I think about, you know, my dad passing away is still fresh, but I think about howgood of a dad that he was.

(01:20:09):
And I had to take a look in the mirror and be like, do I measure up to that?
Am I being that good of a dad?
Right.
and bringing that level of fatherhood to my kids.
And so I'm looking at things like, okay, how did my dad handle this?
How did my dad do that?
How did he make me feel when he, these kinds of things?

(01:20:29):
And so I'm really trying super hard to be more present and more available.
And never, never will I let my kids leave the house or leave the car without me saying, Ilove you, I'm proud of you.
Never.
And that was implemented, you know,
quickly two weeks ago.
I would always say I love you, but I wanna make sure they know proud so that if I everpass away, when I pass away, if ever, that'd be great.

(01:21:01):
When I pass away, they don't have to wonder, was dad proud of me?
I don't wonder that.
I don't have to wonder.
My dad told me all the time.
He let you know.
yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, especially when I got my life back together.
He let me know, I'm proud of you.

(01:21:22):
I'm very proud of you.
And I was at his house a month ago and we were talking about a situation and I said, whatwould you do?
And he goes, well, this is what I would do.
And he gave me the rundown and I left the house and I said, love you dad.
And he said, love you.
And I got in the car and I was almost home and my phone rang and I,

(01:21:44):
I picked it up and he goes, hey, and I go, yeah, what's up?
And he goes, I just wanted to tell you, I'm really proud of you.
And I was like, oh man, you know, and I was like, thanks dad.
I appreciate that.
know, so I never,
You're, I mean, you're going to remember that for the rest of your life.

(01:22:06):
I think a lot of us, like you said, we get caught up with being busy and all the things,but time's the one thing we never get back.
It's not, it's not.
I will tell you this and I don't know where we go from here, but my dad had a phrase thathe always used and I hated it as a kid, but I love it now.

(01:22:30):
Proper preparation prevents poor performance.
Proper.
It's the right way.
It's the fabric of...
Everything that you're doing, you know, it's the dedication is the commitment.
It's the proper way of doing it preparation Are you ready or are you prepared are twodifferent things?

(01:22:56):
Do you get ready in the morning or do you get prepared in the morning?
There's a big difference There's a big difference And I hated that as a kid because my dadwould always ask, you know, are you prepared for school?
Are you ready for school?
know what the difference is.
But I think I knew, but right.

(01:23:16):
you're like, you're annoying.
Why are you asking me that again?
Yeah.
But I know now, you know, prevents, know, preventing things is way better than fixingthem.
Now, if I've got a car in the shop right now that I'm putting brakes on, not because itstarted rattling or squeaking, but because I knew it was gonna need brakes and I didn't

(01:23:43):
want to hurt anything else.
I don't want to break anything else.
You prevent.
other damages by just preventing the small things.
Proper preparation prevents poor, yeah, poor, poor outcomes.
That's what you get if you don't prepare for things.
And I don't want poor outcomes.

(01:24:04):
I want good outcomes.
I want excellent outcomes.
And then performance.
This is my favorite thing that my dad taught me.
You have a theater.
And everyone's waiting for the curtain to rise and the curtain rises and you have youractors on stage.
You have your performers on stage.

(01:24:24):
They know their lines.
They know their marks.
They know their movements.
They know their choreography.
That show is going to be awesome.
if one of them, if one of them doesn't know just one of those things, the performance is amess.
right?
What do you want your performance to be in life?

(01:24:47):
Well, if you are Properly prepared you're gonna prevent that poor performance How muchwork are you willing to put in?
How much effort are you willing to give?
And how much love are you willing to commit to?
To change the world and that is what my dad taught me And that is what I live out.

(01:25:08):
I try to live out every single day
That's amazing.
I'm proud of you too that you were able to do all those P's constantly.
I feel like, but gosh, wow.
What an amazing thing for your dad to leave you with and that you can educate other peopleand teach others the same.

(01:25:29):
That's awesome.
I just shifted my speech.
I used to do a speech called Laugh Your Class Off.
was, Laugh was an acronym.
But now I'm switching it to Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.
That's awesome.

(01:25:50):
Yeah.
That is awesome.
Well, thank you so much for coming.
Thank you for driving here.
Absolutely.
I'm glad we had you on.
I will make sure that we put all your information too in the description.
Cool.
So everyone can reach him in different ways and we'll put that in the description andwe'll probably be posting this like within a week.

(01:26:14):
Okay.
you.
Thank you.
Thanks for having me.