Episode 8: Raising Boys to be Happier and How Schools Risk Damaging their Self-Esteem

Raising a boy right now is tough! Parents across the country are seeing that schools and their child are not a perfect fit, but why?

In this podcast we talk about how schools are affecting our children, often our boys, in negative ways at times. How do you spot the signs that your child may need some TLC and how this problem is carried over into high school, college, careers and marriage. 

 

Is this problem preventable? I think so! I have some references for you to read or check out as you figure out how best to support your amazing boys. Want more individualized help overcoming the anxiety, frustration, low motivation and sadness affecting your teen? Find me at www.selffoundry.com

 

Grab some free resources while you are on my website to help you manage Anger in the House or get your FREE Technology Contract to create boundaries around technology. I am here for you because I want these kids to grow up to be the greatest generation of all time.

 

It is possible, but we can't leave it to the schools to provide what our boys need. YOU are your child's rescue right now. Let's armor up my friends! We are battling for our children's joy and future.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
.9660377359So I'm hearing you loud and clear. 2 00:00:01,925.9660377359 --> 00:00:05,105.9660377359 Some of you are raising boys, you're having a hard time. 3 00:00:05,495.9660377359 --> 00:00:09,105.9660377359 I'm here to validate you and to tell you I'm seeing it too. 4 00:00:09,405.9660377359 --> 00:00:15,325.965037736 And then also to give you some information that I think needs to be more available to all parents. 5 00:00:15,715.967037736 --> 00:00:20,255.966037736 And I have come across some podcasts that were like, Whoa, they hit home. 6 00:00:20,255.966037736 --> 00:00:23,955.966037736 They gave validation to the statistics that we needed to see. 7 00:00:24,260.966037736 --> 00:00:34,10.966037736 And giving us a lot more clarity on what the boys are struggling with and then how it's affecting boys becoming men and how men are struggling in this country and then how it's impacting women. 8 00:00:34,10.966037736 --> 00:00:36,290.966037736 So it's a huge cyclical problem. 9 00:00:36,330.966037736 --> 00:00:42,100.966037736 And we as parents are poised in this perfect position to really start to come up with some solutions. 10 00:00:42,160.966037736 --> 00:00:44,340.966037736 I've been really stewing on this one for a while. 11 00:00:44,400.966037736 --> 00:00:45,710.966037736 If you are raising a boy. 12 00:00:45,920.966037736 --> 00:00:49,360.966037736 we do have some damage control that we have to kind of step in and do. 13 00:00:49,487.632704403 --> 00:00:52,357.632704403 We have some rising problems across America right now. 14 00:00:52,397.632704403 --> 00:00:58,10.965537736 And men are increasingly at risk of becoming divorced and they're not the ones taking the women to court. 15 00:00:58,10.966537736 --> 00:00:59,60.966537736 It's really vice versa. 16 00:00:59,154.298871069 --> 00:01:02,164.299871069 Women are marching men into court for divorce. 17 00:01:02,164.299871069 --> 00:01:04,94.299871069 And we need to figure out why. 18 00:01:04,267.633204403 --> 00:01:12,560.966537736 Why are marriages failing? We do not get married thinking, Oh, I can't wait to sign the annulment papers or to divorce this man. 19 00:01:12,674.299871069 --> 00:01:15,624.299871069 We are all in this all in from day one. 20 00:01:15,634.299871069 --> 00:01:19,727.632204403 And then something starts to go awry and we don't want this to happen. 21 00:01:19,804.298871069 --> 00:01:21,134.299371069 We don't want this to happen to ourselves. 22 00:01:21,134.299371069 --> 00:01:22,614.300871069 We don't want this to happen to our babies. 23 00:01:22,634.299871069 --> 00:01:38,244.299371069 So why are women reporting huge dissatisfaction with men and why are divorce lawyers reporting these upticks, these trends in women divorcing men and how can we kind of circumvent the problem and start to change it? I've been really deep diving into this. 24 00:01:38,254.300371069 --> 00:01:39,124.300371069 I'm really curious. 25 00:01:39,134.299371069 --> 00:01:41,444.30037107 I wanted to find out the source of the frustration. 26 00:01:41,804.30037107 --> 00:01:48,944.29937107 I wanted to figure out how we can change our parenting to start to change possibly the way mindsets are set as they're getting older. 27 00:01:49,694.30037107 --> 00:01:52,354.30037107 Hey moms and dads, welcome to SelfFoundry. 28 00:01:52,534.30037107 --> 00:02:04,734.30037107 This is the source for things regarding teenagers, leveling up your child, helping them reach wealth, their goals, figuring out what their identity is, and also just motivating them to become better. 29 00:02:04,984.30037107 --> 00:02:10,514.30037107 We know our kids have this untapped potential, and we want to really hone in on that. 30 00:02:10,524.30037107 --> 00:02:19,924.29937107 So I'm here to partner with you to help you set up guidelines, structure boundaries, to encourage, to give you resources, to give you advice that's working. 31 00:02:20,144.30037107 --> 00:02:40,154.30037107 I will have all kinds of resources on our website for you to access that are just for you to tailor so that it works for your family, including a tech contract and other resources for anger in the household and things that might be helpful for you right now, as you're navigating the super fun, but awesome potential years of your child's life. 32 00:02:40,684.30037107 --> 00:02:41,774.30037107 Thanks for joining us. 33 00:02:41,824.30037107 --> 00:02:48,684.30037107 If we know that divorce is financially disruptive and we know that it affects our kids, it affects us. 34 00:02:48,684.30037107 --> 00:02:56,764.29937107 Did you know divorce costs at least 7, 000 when you have kids in this area, different parts of the country, different amounts, of course, divorce can escalate in costs. 35 00:02:56,764.29937107 --> 00:03:01,594.30037107 But as soon as we have children and assets involved, we're talking thousands of dollars. 36 00:03:01,594.30037107 --> 00:03:04,714.30037107 And we know that money is one of the number one reasons for divorce. 37 00:03:05,559.30037107 --> 00:03:10,409.30037107 Or is it? That's really fascinating, but it's never something you're counting on. 38 00:03:10,409.30037107 --> 00:03:12,279.30037107 So now we need to kind of look for some cues. 39 00:03:12,289.30037107 --> 00:03:13,589.30037107 So a couple of things. 40 00:03:13,729.29937107 --> 00:03:15,789.30037107 I ran across this guy, Richard Reeves. 41 00:03:15,809.29937107 --> 00:03:16,659.30037107 He's amazing. 42 00:03:16,669.30037107 --> 00:03:21,719.30037107 He is a senior fellow in economic studies at Brookings Institution in Washington, DC. 43 00:03:21,879.29937107 --> 00:03:26,249.29937107 He's really been studying this problem with men and boys in our society. 44 00:03:26,269.29937107 --> 00:03:35,9.30037107 And he really is pinpointing it back to the schools, which is really fascinating to me as a teacher, whoa, these problems could be really possibly preventable. 45 00:03:35,19.30037107 --> 00:03:36,629.30037107 So I think that's super exciting. 46 00:03:36,629.30037107 --> 00:03:38,169.30037107 We know schools are archaic. 47 00:03:38,299.30037107 --> 00:03:43,469.30037107 Don't we know this? We know we're trying to keep up, but really society's changing so fast. 48 00:03:43,789.30037107 --> 00:04:00,809.30037107 Richard Reeves writes from a perspective that's not anti woman, that's not what he's saying, but he wants us to start to think more pro men for a little minute and think about how possibly tables have turned that we needed to help women, but he has some evidence now that actually now we need to redirect back. 49 00:04:00,819.30037107 --> 00:04:05,239.30037107 It's almost like the pendulum has swung and now we need to refocus on the boys again. 50 00:04:05,629.30037107 --> 00:04:07,529.29937107 So I thought that was really insightful. 51 00:04:07,799.30037107 --> 00:04:17,14.30037107 He's offering helpful advice to women, particularly those of us who are raising boys and who are married to men, so that we can be alert earlier to trouble on the horizon. 52 00:04:17,47.6337044 --> 00:04:20,227.6337044 So I ran across him being interviewed in some podcasts. 53 00:04:20,257.6337044 --> 00:04:25,567.6337044 I haven't found a podcast that Richard Reeves runs himself, but he does have a book "Of Boys and Men". 54 00:04:25,927.6337044 --> 00:04:27,97.6337044 I say, grab it. 55 00:04:27,137.6337044 --> 00:04:29,7.6337044 I am in no way getting any money for it. 56 00:04:29,7.6337044 --> 00:04:29,457.6337044 Please. 57 00:04:29,487.6327044 --> 00:04:30,377.6337044 I just want you to know that. 58 00:04:30,377.6337044 --> 00:04:32,192.6337044 I just Really adored the book. 59 00:04:32,192.6337044 --> 00:04:33,922.6337044 It was so helpful for me. 60 00:04:33,922.6337044 --> 00:04:36,692.6337044 I've always noticed a lag between the boys and the girls. 61 00:04:36,962.6337044 --> 00:04:38,612.6337044 It comes from the prefrontal cortex. 62 00:04:38,622.6337044 --> 00:04:48,742.6327044 It's just slower to develop, but it seems like compared to my teaching 22 years ago, 23 years ago, it feels like a bigger gap and I don't know why I couldn't figure that out. 63 00:04:48,907.6337044 --> 00:04:50,627.6337044 But we know what the prefrontal cortex does. 64 00:04:50,627.6337044 --> 00:04:52,847.6337044 It really is the highest level of thinking. 65 00:04:53,307.6337044 --> 00:04:55,107.6337044 It is what separates us from the animals. 66 00:04:55,397.6337044 --> 00:05:00,427.6327044 We know that with the prefrontal cortex, we do planning, we do scheduling, we do consequences. 67 00:05:00,437.6327044 --> 00:05:05,57.6317044 We understand how our actions are going to kind of play out before we actually start to do that. 68 00:05:05,347.6327044 --> 00:05:06,797.6327044 We have some self control there. 69 00:05:06,807.6327044 --> 00:05:08,837.6327044 We have imaginative thoughts and things like that. 70 00:05:08,837.6327044 --> 00:05:13,237.6327044 It's really fascinating, but this part of the brain, it has to develop for a long time. 71 00:05:13,517.6327044 --> 00:05:17,87.6327044 I've already said this before, that COVID did affect their development. 72 00:05:17,87.6327044 --> 00:05:18,217.6327044 So it dropped it back. 73 00:05:18,637.6327044 --> 00:05:20,997.6327044 And then we also know that their brains are still developing. 74 00:05:21,472.6327044 --> 00:05:28,392.6327044 Girls will be done sooner than boys, but we're looking at about age 25, 26 for girls, 28, 29 for boys. 75 00:05:28,622.6327044 --> 00:05:34,292.6327044 Studies are kind of all over the place with that and depends on the person, but wow, we have a lot to work on. 76 00:05:34,622.6327044 --> 00:05:38,442.6327044 But what I think we really need to remember is that means we have time. 77 00:05:38,762.6337044 --> 00:05:47,482.6327044 We have time to help our boys and our girls to really hone in, develop, get these skill sets, figure out relationally what's going on. 78 00:05:47,482.6327044 --> 00:05:49,212.6327044 There is a gap between boys and girls. 79 00:05:49,522.6327044 --> 00:05:52,342.6327044 The prefrontal cortex in boys develops slower. 80 00:05:52,412.6327044 --> 00:05:54,222.6327044 It's statistically proven. 81 00:05:54,492.6327044 --> 00:05:57,972.6327044 There's science behind that, but it feels bigger today. 82 00:05:58,12.6327044 --> 00:06:04,692.6337044 Reeves was starting to connect the dots for us, but boys seem, to develop about one to two years later than girls. 83 00:06:05,227.6337044 --> 00:06:08,197.6337044 That is an entire academic year or two. 84 00:06:08,667.6337044 --> 00:06:14,627.6337044 This early difference is going to be exacerbated in the classroom, particularly at the younger level. 85 00:06:15,77.6337044 --> 00:06:30,67.6337044 When you fail at a subject, if you're a kid, and you're going to school every day, and you're failing at a subject like reading, or you're having a hard time following directions, or behaving, or sitting quietly, and maybe your fine motor skills are slower to develop. 86 00:06:30,67.6337044 --> 00:06:40,637.6337044 So the writing, the cutting, the things that you're working on in kindergarten, first grade, second grade, when that is hard and you are comparing yourself, because isn't that what humans do? We compare. 87 00:06:40,637.6337044 --> 00:06:42,37.6337044 It's like a natural thing. 88 00:06:42,457.6337044 --> 00:06:45,547.6327044 But what you start to get as the messaging is I am stupid. 89 00:06:46,7.6337044 --> 00:06:47,97.6337044 I am a failure. 90 00:06:47,377.6327044 --> 00:06:48,557.6327044 I am not smart. 91 00:06:48,627.6327044 --> 00:06:49,837.6327044 I am not good enough. 92 00:06:50,327.6327044 --> 00:07:04,722.6337044 Now imagine that messaging on a grand scale of many boys who are one to two years behind developmentally, that part of their brain starting to put that messaging into their head as early as preschool. 93 00:07:05,112.6337044 --> 00:07:07,222.6327044 This is insanity to me. 94 00:07:07,717.6337044 --> 00:07:12,607.6337044 Classrooms, we're pushing kids early and earlier to read, to write, to do complex math. 95 00:07:12,617.6337044 --> 00:07:18,637.6337044 If anybody has a middle schooler or a high schooler, you know, your kids have surpassed your math skills, probably. 96 00:07:18,957.6337044 --> 00:07:29,257.6337044 If you were looking at yourself at the same age, I really don't have a friend who didn't feel like their kids were at a different level math at the same age, like age 14 when I was a kid versus my child. 97 00:07:29,587.6337044 --> 00:07:36,577.6337044 So we're just pushing them younger and younger and younger, and that is not necessarily going to match the developmental point our kids are at. 98 00:07:36,957.6337044 --> 00:07:42,987.6337044 So the stakes are really huge with this because the failures are really, really visible in the classroom. 99 00:07:43,337.6337044 --> 00:08:02,587.6347044 They have numbers, they have rankings, sometimes, especially in elementary school, they go from table to table and they move on and progress and people start to notice and you have to read out loud in front of kids, it is very visible and so your failure not only is internalized, but it's also spoken about, kids notice, and you can feel excluded. 100 00:08:02,587.6347044 --> 00:08:05,950.96803774 And this starts to happen at a very, very young age. 101 00:08:06,950.96803774 --> 00:08:09,440.96803774 Just take that in all your little boys. 102 00:08:10,170.96703774 --> 00:08:11,280.96803774 Nothing's wrong with them. 103 00:08:11,400.96803774 --> 00:08:11,910.96803774 Nothing. 104 00:08:12,100.96803774 --> 00:08:14,790.96803774 They are developmentally perfectly on par. 105 00:08:15,90.96803774 --> 00:08:16,820.96803774 That's how they're supposed to be. 106 00:08:17,490.96803774 --> 00:08:30,890.96803774 So now we put them into what I consider, frankly, an abnormal, a non biologically cued classroom setting, and I think that this needs to be considered from the parent perspective, what's going on. 107 00:08:30,890.96803774 --> 00:08:50,420.96803774 Studies have proven and I have gone to multiple conferences but they have proven that if we just taught every child nothing but social skills, if they just explore the environment, learn their general life skills, such as cleaning and cooking and social norms and responsibility, we could just do that for years when they're little. 108 00:08:50,720.96803774 --> 00:08:57,280.96803774 Play is learning, and then we can just pop a book into their hands, and if Everybody got their first book at age eight. 109 00:08:57,360.96803774 --> 00:08:59,930.96803774 They would all be reading within six months. 110 00:09:00,330.96803774 --> 00:09:08,440.96803774 Six months is all it would take to teach every eight year old how to read, but we're forcing it at abnormal developmental points in their life. 111 00:09:08,790.96803774 --> 00:09:15,730.96703774 So what we need to do is to kind of consider what is the perfect year for each skill set to be built. 112 00:09:16,265.96803774 --> 00:09:19,145.96803774 Why are schools pushing this out? That's really the question. 113 00:09:19,155.96803774 --> 00:09:25,885.96803774 Why are we pushing kids so early? If you talk to most teachers, they know, they're not in the dark about this, but there's nothing we can really do. 114 00:09:25,885.96803774 --> 00:09:26,975.96803774 We have set curriculum. 115 00:09:27,345.96803774 --> 00:09:31,415.96803774 So what we need to do is we need to kind of consider like the why behind it. 116 00:09:31,835.96703774 --> 00:09:33,555.96703774 It's really to appease the parents. 117 00:09:33,855.96703774 --> 00:09:37,915.96803774 It's to get our schools ranked higher so that our property values go up. 118 00:09:37,975.96803774 --> 00:09:43,95.96803774 Has nothing to do with the children circumstances that's driving this early need. 119 00:09:43,115.96803774 --> 00:09:49,75.96803774 And then if you get into the competition of schools and attracting kids, I mean, this is what's going on. 120 00:09:49,85.96703774 --> 00:09:53,355.96703774 We're very worried that little Tommy is not going to go to Harvard if he's not reading in kindergarten. 121 00:09:54,10.96703774 --> 00:10:00,80.96703774 So we need to just breathe, need to override these messages that our kids are internalizing. 122 00:10:01,70.96703774 --> 00:10:13,790.96703774 So, if we start to connect these little boys to the older men, how do they get from five years old to 25, years old? Well, this messaging doesn't go away. 123 00:10:14,170.96703774 --> 00:10:15,350.96703774 It's still there. 124 00:10:15,855.96703774 --> 00:10:26,935.96703774 And so if we look at what the women who are divorcing men are claiming, we can start to wonder I'm on Facebook all the time on a lot of parenting groups and women groups. 125 00:10:27,285.96703774 --> 00:10:29,125.96603774 And I'm seeing a lot of women. 126 00:10:29,125.96603774 --> 00:10:32,845.96703774 I mean, on the daily, my heart just breaks that their marriages are strange. 127 00:10:32,845.96703774 --> 00:10:33,995.96703774 The marriages are tense. 128 00:10:34,5.96703774 --> 00:10:35,285.96703774 Something's not working. 129 00:10:35,285.96703774 --> 00:10:36,835.96703774 They're falling out of love. 130 00:10:37,285.96703774 --> 00:10:38,545.96703774 Things are just happening. 131 00:10:38,555.96703774 --> 00:10:43,295.96703774 And the women without fail almost every single time say, I don't really need a man. 132 00:10:43,925.96703774 --> 00:10:46,715.96703774 They're feeling like you have to need somebody. 133 00:10:46,715.96703774 --> 00:10:48,795.96703774 And it's a very fascinating mindset. 134 00:10:48,835.96703774 --> 00:10:55,835.96603774 Women are statistically by far purchasing more homes as single ladies than single men purchase homes. 135 00:10:56,195.96603774 --> 00:11:12,965.96503774 Every realtor is starting to see an uptick in women who are single buying their house on their own as compared to men buying a house on their own, which makes you kind of go, Hmm, women are financially thriving in comparison with statistics. 136 00:11:13,345.96503774 --> 00:11:18,265.96603774 In Reeve's book, he dives into the areas where we have the strongest measurable evidence. 137 00:11:18,655.96603774 --> 00:11:23,115.96603774 The high school and college years really stand out the most because he just jams in. 138 00:11:23,620.96603774 --> 00:11:26,250.96603774 There are so many quotes that just blew my mind. 139 00:11:26,740.96603774 --> 00:11:30,500.96603774 For every black man getting a college degree at all levels. 140 00:11:30,820.96603774 --> 00:11:32,570.96603774 There are two black women. 141 00:11:33,530.96503774 --> 00:11:38,10.96603774 One to two, my friends, that just kind of sets the stage right there. 142 00:11:38,20.96603774 --> 00:11:39,550.96603774 And that's just one demographic. 143 00:11:39,910.96603774 --> 00:11:45,350.96603774 Here's another one, three in 10 wives now out earn their husband. 144 00:11:45,480.96603774 --> 00:11:48,0.96603774 So women are starting to earn more than men. 145 00:11:48,210.96603774 --> 00:11:54,870.96603774 The man who they are married to, and this kind of blows that social norm where men are supposed to be the providers. 146 00:11:55,160.96603774 --> 00:12:00,90.96603774 Well, if they can't be the provider, what is their value? And they're getting conflicting messaging. 147 00:12:00,470.96603774 --> 00:12:10,670.86603774 And then in almost half of families where both parents work full time, so two working full time parents, mothers earn as much or more than the fathers. 148 00:12:10,670.86603774 --> 00:12:12,540.86603774 All of this is amazing progress. 149 00:12:12,900.86603774 --> 00:12:14,940.86603774 Not saying it isn't amazing progress. 150 00:12:14,940.86603774 --> 00:12:15,930.86603774 I'm a working woman. 151 00:12:16,820.86603774 --> 00:12:17,580.86603774 I'm with you. 152 00:12:18,190.86603774 --> 00:12:26,470.86503774 But what I'm asking is, because this is what I'm seeing in these posts and in conversations with my clients and just what I'm noticing. 153 00:12:26,627.5317044 --> 00:12:27,587.5317044 Here's my question. 154 00:12:28,87.5327044 --> 00:12:50,977.4327044 Are you happy ladies working full time and being a full time mom, full time wife, full time housewife? Are you happy or does something need to give? I think we're all at a turning point in our nation's history when we, as parents, need to break this exhausting cycle and figure out how to change the roles of men and women in this country. 155 00:12:51,247.4327044 --> 00:12:52,837.4327044 And it needs to start younger. 156 00:12:52,847.4327044 --> 00:13:01,817.4327044 We need to start to speak into the mindset and the purpose and really help people develop this identity before crisis hits as adults. 157 00:13:02,67.4327044 --> 00:13:08,577.4327044 So my worry is that Reeves discusses how men have relied on women for their emotional strength. 158 00:13:09,72.4327044 --> 00:13:15,902.4327044 By and large, studies have proven that men need women for emotional strength. 159 00:13:16,247.4327044 --> 00:13:17,487.4327044 Generations of this. 160 00:13:17,537.4327044 --> 00:13:21,727.4327044 Men often need women for the emotional strength. 161 00:13:21,737.4327044 --> 00:13:22,717.4327044 They were the backbone. 162 00:13:22,717.4327044 --> 00:13:23,367.4327044 They were support. 163 00:13:23,377.4317044 --> 00:13:28,137.4317044 You, you know, the old sayings behind every successful man is a successful woman. 164 00:13:28,737.5327044 --> 00:13:32,97.5327044 That support system comes from women and that's a partnership. 165 00:13:32,657.5327044 --> 00:13:37,467.5327044 In turn, women used to rely on men for financial foundation. 166 00:13:37,717.5317044 --> 00:13:56,87.5317044 If the latter is no longer needed, then what role does the man play that will help him be confident and joyful and feel useful in a marriage? Without feeling useful and needed and desired, the stereotypical purpose that men used to cling to, used to have as their identity, kind of is gone. 167 00:13:56,377.5317044 --> 00:14:10,232.5307044 When humans no longer believe their life has purpose, we start to fall into anxiety, frustration, depression, and often it looks a lot like distance, anger, fear. 168 00:14:10,519.19837107 --> 00:14:13,319.19837107 These are the emotions that couples are dealing with. 169 00:14:13,319.19837107 --> 00:14:15,149.19837107 This is what's breaking apart your marriage. 170 00:14:15,409.19837107 --> 00:14:21,839.19837107 If you feel like you have no purpose, if you can't figure out what drives you, if you're losing your joy, you begin to work less. 171 00:14:22,39.19837107 --> 00:14:27,699.19937107 You feel a little bit lost in who you are and who you're becoming and who you need to be on the day to day. 172 00:14:28,119.19837107 --> 00:14:33,19.19937107 As a mom, this is the last thing I want for my baby boy to grow up with. 173 00:14:33,529.19937107 --> 00:14:35,49.19937107 Right? We know the statistics. 174 00:14:35,49.19937107 --> 00:14:39,909.19937107 The number of kids in this country that are being raised with absent fathers is kind of staggering. 175 00:14:40,409.19937107 --> 00:14:41,709.19937107 According to the Annie E. 176 00:14:41,709.19937107 --> 00:14:44,49.19937107 Casey Foundation, more than 14. 177 00:14:44,99.19937107 --> 00:14:48,399.19937107 3 million children are in fatherless homes with mom raising them. 178 00:14:48,489.19837107 --> 00:14:49,289.19837107 14. 179 00:14:49,339.19937107 --> 00:14:50,329.19937107 3 million. 180 00:14:50,739.19937107 --> 00:14:56,359.19937107 We're seeing 6 million kids living with cohabitating parents, so unmarried but living together. 181 00:14:56,729.19937107 --> 00:14:57,889.19837107 Another 3. 182 00:14:57,929.19937107 --> 00:15:01,779.19937107 5 million kids are living in father only households. 183 00:15:02,179.19937107 --> 00:15:07,509.29937107 Forbes notes that both marriage and divorce rates are declining, interesting. 184 00:15:07,839.29937107 --> 00:15:10,189.29937107 But if you're not getting married, you're not getting divorced. 185 00:15:10,189.29937107 --> 00:15:15,369.29937107 Couples who do divorce tend to dissolve their marriages after about eight years. 186 00:15:16,209.29937107 --> 00:15:18,979.29837107 Are you surprised? I don't think it's surprising. 187 00:15:19,289.29937107 --> 00:15:21,309.29837107 I'm starting to wonder though if it's just telling. 188 00:15:21,734.29937107 --> 00:15:25,814.29937107 Eight years into a marriage, what is the lifestyle change? Well, it's dramatic. 189 00:15:25,824.29937107 --> 00:15:30,204.29937107 You've got couples who are now possibly raising multiple small children. 190 00:15:30,454.29937107 --> 00:15:34,144.29837107 Maybe you have financial strain, maybe you purchased your own home. 191 00:15:34,504.29837107 --> 00:15:38,354.29837107 This is a very, very critical time of life. 192 00:15:38,684.29837107 --> 00:15:46,374.29837107 And so if you're starting to follow the dots, The women are picking up the majority of the slack in this increasingly expensive country. 193 00:15:47,84.29837107 --> 00:15:48,144.29837107 They're working full time. 194 00:15:48,544.29837107 --> 00:15:49,184.29837107 They have to. 195 00:15:49,284.29837107 --> 00:15:56,344.29837107 Dual income households are going to have an easier time purchasing these very expensive homes in our country. 196 00:15:56,394.29837107 --> 00:16:02,174.29837107 And, dealing with the inflation and everything else, just the cost of food and survival is, is getting more and more. 197 00:16:02,174.29837107 --> 00:16:22,84.29837107 So two people working in the house have a much better chance of really keeping their head above water, but now you're working full time, still keeping the identity of raising the kids, being the primary caregiver, also juggling all the family responsibility, which I hear in my clients as the calendar. 198 00:16:22,394.29837107 --> 00:16:32,354.29837107 The scheduling, the shuttling of the kids, the mental tax of homework and doctor appointments and all that kind of stuff typically does fall on the female. 199 00:16:32,404.29837107 --> 00:16:33,934.29837107 The woman is juggling all these balls. 200 00:16:33,934.29837107 --> 00:16:35,834.29837107 What's going to drop? The man. 201 00:16:36,94.29837107 --> 00:16:36,964.29837107 It's a grown up. 202 00:16:37,214.29837107 --> 00:16:39,14.29837107 He's okay if I let him go. 203 00:16:39,354.29737107 --> 00:16:41,284.2983711 I can't keep everybody happy. 204 00:16:41,284.2983711 --> 00:16:42,654.2973711 I can't keep everything going. 205 00:16:42,654.2983711 --> 00:16:44,174.2983711 I'm just juggling, juggling, juggling. 206 00:16:44,454.2983711 --> 00:16:49,994.2973711 And it is a logical decision that the only thing that can be eliminated is a grown up in my life. 207 00:16:50,34.2973711 --> 00:16:56,644.2983711 And so, the relationship is the ball that often is being, hopefully, set down on. 208 00:16:56,749.2983711 --> 00:16:59,89.2983711 Sometimes it falls crashing to the ground. 209 00:16:59,409.2983711 --> 00:17:00,459.2983711 You can't drop the money. 210 00:17:00,679.2983711 --> 00:17:01,659.2983711 You can't drop the kids. 211 00:17:01,669.2983711 --> 00:17:03,619.2983711 You can't drop the house because then you'll be homeless. 212 00:17:03,899.2983711 --> 00:17:06,109.2983711 The career is supporting everything. 213 00:17:06,329.2983711 --> 00:17:13,849.2983711 So if you're frustrated with your man for adding to the burden and not lightening it, then divorce becomes the quick fix. 214 00:17:13,849.2983711 --> 00:17:15,69.2983711 There's this divorce lawyer. 215 00:17:15,249.2983711 --> 00:17:15,999.2983711 He's interesting. 216 00:17:16,319.2983711 --> 00:17:17,789.2983711 He pops up on my feed all the time. 217 00:17:17,839.2983711 --> 00:17:24,329.2983711 Have you seen him? He keeps doing ads, but they're really fascinating because they're really hitting home with this. 218 00:17:24,559.2973711 --> 00:17:33,699.2973711 He's basically lecturing men and he's really sick and tired of hearing woman after woman come into his office demanding a divorce because the man doesn't contribute enough. 219 00:17:34,44.2983711 --> 00:17:38,884.2983711 He says women are doing the leaving, and this is really a wow to him. 220 00:17:39,254.2983711 --> 00:17:47,64.2983711 I think all of this society has very confused messaging, and nobody's prepping the boys and young men that times have changed. 221 00:17:47,424.2973711 --> 00:17:50,534.2973711 Their role has been redefined, whether they know it or not. 222 00:17:50,649.2983711 --> 00:17:51,499.2983711 It's redefined. 223 00:17:51,959.2983711 --> 00:17:55,519.2983711 It's not their fault, but we as grownups are setting them up for failure. 224 00:17:55,849.2983711 --> 00:17:58,419.2983711 The man is no longer the provider, protector, defender. 225 00:17:58,419.2983711 --> 00:17:59,349.2983711 There's no bears. 226 00:17:59,379.2983711 --> 00:18:01,139.2983711 There's no tribes attacking us. 227 00:18:01,139.2983711 --> 00:18:03,149.2983711 There's money already coming in. 228 00:18:03,219.2983711 --> 00:18:04,254.1983711 So there's this. 229 00:18:04,634.2983711 --> 00:18:13,244.2983711 surplus, like what is the role if the traditional stereotypical male role has been redefined? So we have to help them redefine this. 230 00:18:13,554.2983711 --> 00:18:16,344.2983711 I am in no way saying men are not necessary. 231 00:18:16,654.2983711 --> 00:18:17,604.2983711 I love my man. 232 00:18:17,714.2983711 --> 00:18:20,514.2983711 I adore my relationship with him. 233 00:18:20,934.2983711 --> 00:18:35,639.2983711 I know many, many healthy, happy relationships where we really, really do co- lead, but what is the difference in mindset between that kind of relationship and a non cohesive one? What is it that women want? We want to partner. 234 00:18:35,959.2973711 --> 00:18:42,39.2983711 We want a man who's going to shoulder the burden of raising the kids and loving her at the same time. 235 00:18:43,39.2983711 --> 00:18:51,369.2983711 This is what I was talking about that's kind of being squeezed out of early education is the social, the relationship building, the play. 236 00:18:51,749.2983711 --> 00:18:59,349.2983711 Figuring out how society works relationally between, leaders and followers and groups and things like that. 237 00:18:59,789.2983711 --> 00:19:02,589.2983711 This is affecting our men today. 238 00:19:02,929.2983711 --> 00:19:05,39.2983711 We really do need to bring this back in. 239 00:19:05,222.6307044 --> 00:19:08,32.6317044 Dual income homes are not going to be a thing of the past. 240 00:19:08,632.6317044 --> 00:19:11,872.6317044 Housing and living prices are not going to go down. 241 00:19:11,972.7317044 --> 00:19:14,632.6317044 So this just isn't feasible. 242 00:19:14,982.6317044 --> 00:19:23,682.6317044 A TikTok video popped up yesterday and this young 20 something guy was ranting and he's like, I want to know how I'm ever going to find a woman. 243 00:19:23,702.6317044 --> 00:19:26,772.6317044 Like, tell me a woman who doesn't want a guy for just money. 244 00:19:27,122.6317044 --> 00:19:29,722.6322044 And this older guy, you know, they have like the split screen. 245 00:19:29,722.6322044 --> 00:19:37,482.6317044 This older guy's watching this, this younger guy talking and he starts laughing and he's like, dude, women aren't after your money. 246 00:19:37,667.6317044 --> 00:19:39,337.6317044 That's why you're still single. 247 00:19:39,557.6317044 --> 00:19:42,457.6317044 He says, you're not offering the other stuff. 248 00:19:43,457.6317044 --> 00:19:45,247.6317044 That's so fascinating to me. 249 00:19:45,547.6317044 --> 00:19:47,677.6317044 The wisdom of somebody who's like. 250 00:19:48,37.6317044 --> 00:19:51,317.6317044 It's just been a little further and has a little bit more insight. 251 00:19:51,327.6317044 --> 00:19:52,717.6317044 He's like, it's not just the money. 252 00:19:53,187.6317044 --> 00:19:54,157.6317044 It's not the protection. 253 00:19:54,167.6317044 --> 00:19:56,37.6317044 It's not just being physically strong. 254 00:19:56,407.6317044 --> 00:19:59,477.6307044 It's more like there's something more that's missing. 255 00:19:59,757.6317044 --> 00:20:02,417.6317044 Most women will say they do want a man's money. 256 00:20:02,457.6307044 --> 00:20:03,977.6317044 We don't want our men to not work. 257 00:20:04,17.6317044 --> 00:20:12,457.6317044 That is a point of contention in many divorces and many relationships, if you're seeing the weight I'm pulling, we need to match the weight. 258 00:20:12,617.6317044 --> 00:20:33,17.6307044 So you need to match how much baggage or, just life weight, you know what I mean? I'm feeling like it's on my back, right? Do you feel like that? And that's, really kind of interesting because when women talk about how heavy life is, they do talk about the doing, but so much as the emotional weight. 259 00:20:33,307.6307044 --> 00:20:37,807.6307044 Is this resonating? There is an emotional burden that is heavy. 260 00:20:38,387.6307044 --> 00:20:55,367.6317044 So I think that this has to do with the physical daily grind, the day to day, the schedules, the car rides, the doctor appointments the getting kids to play dates because we want kids to hang out with people, but we can't just let them run around the streets like hooligans anymore. 261 00:20:55,367.6317044 --> 00:20:58,207.6317044 You know, which we know would be good for the kids, but we can't do that. 262 00:20:58,507.6307044 --> 00:21:01,762.6317044 Like, All of this stuff takes up brain capacity. 263 00:21:02,82.6317044 --> 00:21:04,752.6317044 And we know that our brain is so worried. 264 00:21:04,752.6317044 --> 00:21:10,62.6307044 We're going to forget something that what our brains do is we have to loop thoughts. 265 00:21:10,72.6307044 --> 00:21:18,852.6317044 So if I'm like, I've got to pick up Tommy and we have a doctor appointment at two and there's going to be homework and Oh, Susie has a game and Oh, I have to get Charlie over here by this time. 266 00:21:18,902.6317044 --> 00:21:28,57.6317044 And then we just keep reminding ourselves because our brain is so concerned we're going to forget, because our children are precious, right? We don't want to forget our children and your brain is helping you. 267 00:21:28,57.6317044 --> 00:21:30,537.6317044 But what it's doing is it's creating exhaustion. 268 00:21:30,537.6317044 --> 00:21:36,277.6317044 It's creating anxiety for some people, but really it's a mental exhaustion and it's doing his job. 269 00:21:36,287.6317044 --> 00:21:40,517.6317044 It's supposed to remind you, but we're getting worn out and we're like, please help. 270 00:21:40,887.6317044 --> 00:21:41,677.6317044 Just please help. 271 00:21:41,777.6317044 --> 00:21:43,997.6317044 that's the cry I'm hearing from women. 272 00:21:43,997.6317044 --> 00:21:57,607.6317044 Possibly, and I don't know if I'm speaking for everybody, but I'm speaking, I think for quite a few people I've been working with and I'm listening to women are starting to just put their hands up and go, Something's got to give. 273 00:21:57,907.6317044 --> 00:21:59,157.6317044 I cry uncle. 274 00:21:59,897.6317044 --> 00:22:04,877.6317044 And now we're looking at perhaps a generation that's going to have to do the hard work. 275 00:22:04,887.6317044 --> 00:22:13,957.6307044 I think us as parents are going to have to do a hard thing and we're going to have to change our mind to help change our future children's relationships. 276 00:22:14,277.6307044 --> 00:22:24,757.6317044 So how are we going to help boys prepare for this shift in society's goals? And we know Our kids are going to be more intermarried racially, culturally, than we ever were. 277 00:22:25,67.6317044 --> 00:22:29,787.6317044 The world is so fast moving and everything now is a global society. 278 00:22:30,77.6317044 --> 00:22:47,182.6317044 So we really have to help them to be very adaptable and gritty and resilient and ready to evolve into what they need to become so that they don't suffer the financial, the emotional, and the, just life disruptor that divorce is. 279 00:22:47,562.6317044 --> 00:22:50,332.6317044 So how do we help the boys? That's the big thing. 280 00:22:50,392.6317044 --> 00:22:56,702.6317044 How do we help the boys prepare for the shift in the male's role of society? I think we have to turn back to the Bible. 281 00:22:56,702.6317044 --> 00:23:07,299.2983711 And I know that's kind of weird because when you think back to the Bible, you're like, Oh my gosh, like men and women were so pigeonholed into these roles and they weren't allowed to intertwine and things like that. 282 00:23:07,482.6317044 --> 00:23:15,75.9640377 But if you really are looking at the Bible, when Jesus came, there was a shift and Jesus started to redefine the role of women. 283 00:23:15,205.9650377 --> 00:23:17,425.9650377 He came to women in a different way. 284 00:23:17,482.6317044 --> 00:23:30,752.6317044 The woman at the well was the very first person who was told who Jesus was and she became the messenger, the first commission person to go tell her community that Jesus was the Savior. 285 00:23:30,789.2983711 --> 00:23:39,619.2973711 You look at how Mary and Martha were instructed to sometimes stop working and just sit and learn and do different thinking. 286 00:23:39,619.3973711 --> 00:23:42,959.3973711 You've got women like Deborah who are stepping into male roles. 287 00:23:42,959.3973711 --> 00:23:54,149.3963711 I mean, it's just unbelievable how God in his story started to change how we think about the gender roles and how he approached conversations with men and women. 288 00:23:54,289.3973711 --> 00:23:59,574.3973711 And you look at David who is a very sensitive guy, very emotional. 289 00:23:59,624.3973711 --> 00:24:01,924.3973711 And then we've got lots of praying models. 290 00:24:01,934.3973711 --> 00:24:04,154.3973711 I mean, so many people who, talk about that. 291 00:24:04,634.3973711 --> 00:24:08,84.3963711 So if we go back to the Bible, we know that there's that equal yoking thing. 292 00:24:08,394.3973711 --> 00:24:09,414.3968711 We know we can look at that. 293 00:24:09,414.3968711 --> 00:24:14,674.3968711 I know it has to do with finding the person who's spiritually is equally yoked to God. 294 00:24:14,774.3968711 --> 00:24:16,574.3968711 So we know the cord of three. 295 00:24:16,724.3968711 --> 00:24:19,384.3968711 You, your partner and God is hard to break. 296 00:24:19,524.3968711 --> 00:24:20,814.3968711 We know all of this. 297 00:24:20,911.0635377 --> 00:24:26,331.0635377 So if we're matching our partner with beliefs, we need to make sure that a. 298 00:24:26,341.0625377 --> 00:24:29,191.0625377 Our kids have strong foundational beliefs, but that B. 299 00:24:29,191.0635377 --> 00:24:36,237.7302044 They're also actively going to connect with kids with spiritual beliefs that match theirs so that they're equal. 300 00:24:36,337.7302044 --> 00:24:42,594.3968711 But then we also need to figure out when you are yoked, think about the two oxen who are yoked together. 301 00:24:42,839.3968711 --> 00:24:44,269.3968711 They're not yoked for no reason. 302 00:24:44,279.3968711 --> 00:24:46,482.7302044 They're not yoked at night and things like that. 303 00:24:46,482.7302044 --> 00:24:48,92.7302044 They're yoked when they're working. 304 00:24:48,232.7302044 --> 00:24:50,962.7302044 They're yoked because they have to go in the same direction. 305 00:24:51,272.7302044 --> 00:24:57,402.7302044 If my spouse is yoked to me and he wants to go left and I'm trying to go right, we're not going to go anywhere. 306 00:24:57,652.7302044 --> 00:25:04,749.3968711 Sometimes we're going to have one person pushing harder than the other, like working harder, and we're going to end up just spinning the non working person in a circle. 307 00:25:04,769.3968711 --> 00:25:06,709.3968711 And they're going to just dig themselves into the ground. 308 00:25:06,719.3968711 --> 00:25:09,84.2968711 And we know how many relationships is one person just spinning. 309 00:25:09,84.3968711 --> 00:25:18,294.3968711 Spinning, spinning, spinning, and another person's not listening, so we need to start to really focus on that yoking that has to do with work effort and spiritual connectivity. 310 00:25:18,614.3968711 --> 00:25:23,204.3968711 And that all has to do with where are you going? We know we are going to an eternal life. 311 00:25:23,474.3968711 --> 00:25:28,204.3968711 We have to live our lives with an eternal lens and eternal focus. 312 00:25:28,644.3968711 --> 00:25:30,654.3968711 So we need to start young with the boys and girls. 313 00:25:30,974.3968711 --> 00:25:33,814.3968711 Teach your child not to worry about their academics so much. 314 00:25:34,94.3968711 --> 00:25:37,424.3968711 Not reading in first grade has nothing to do with going to Harvard. 315 00:25:37,474.3968711 --> 00:25:48,424.3968711 Richard Reeves suggests you hold your boy back at least one year to shorten the developmental gap so that the boys are no longer internalizing the lack of development, the failure. 316 00:25:48,824.3968711 --> 00:25:54,244.3968711 He doesn't want that messaging of you're not good enough and you're not able to kick in so early. 317 00:25:54,484.3968711 --> 00:25:58,784.3968711 We want kids to have a fair chance, and we cannot change their developmental level. 318 00:25:58,784.3968711 --> 00:26:03,154.3968711 You cannot make the prefrontal cortex develop any faster than it's going to. 319 00:26:03,154.3968711 --> 00:26:04,14.3968711 Hold the boys back. 320 00:26:04,294.3958711 --> 00:26:05,574.3958711 I get that all the time on Facebook. 321 00:26:05,824.3958711 --> 00:26:07,64.3958711 The school wants to hold my boy back. 322 00:26:07,64.3958711 --> 00:26:08,884.2948711 I don't really want to, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. 323 00:26:08,884.3948711 --> 00:26:09,564.3958711 Hold them back. 324 00:26:09,684.3958711 --> 00:26:10,134.3948711 Hold them back. 325 00:26:10,164.3958711 --> 00:26:11,194.3958711 I am a high school teacher. 326 00:26:11,869.3958711 --> 00:26:20,889.3948711 I can see the boys who are struggling are very often the ones who are developmentally younger, socially, physically, and, emotionally. 327 00:26:21,149.3948711 --> 00:26:30,579.3948711 So if you can give them an edge, I really do see in 9th and 10th grade boys and men in one classroom, and they're all the same age. 328 00:26:30,819.3948711 --> 00:26:32,809.3948711 So you really do want to think ahead. 329 00:26:32,819.3948711 --> 00:26:34,479.3948711 Don't worry about 5 year old Tommy. 330 00:26:34,729.3948711 --> 00:26:36,989.3948711 Worry about 15 year old Tommy. 331 00:26:37,299.3948711 --> 00:26:38,699.3948711 It's a huge difference. 332 00:26:38,709.3948711 --> 00:26:40,729.3948711 Think longer, think down the road. 333 00:26:40,729.3948711 --> 00:26:41,129.3948711 Okay. 334 00:26:41,439.3948711 --> 00:26:50,499.3948711 Nobody's going to get made fun of because they're bigger or they're smarter or they're, um, hotter and kids want to date them. 335 00:26:50,869.3948711 --> 00:26:54,489.3948711 Like all, none of that, who does get picked on? We know. 336 00:26:55,54.3948711 --> 00:26:56,494.3948711 We know head it off. 337 00:26:56,784.3948711 --> 00:26:59,354.3948711 But you can't hold them back in 14 or 13. 338 00:26:59,354.3948711 --> 00:27:00,24.3948711 It's too late. 339 00:27:00,34.3948711 --> 00:27:07,254.3948711 They're going to be embarrassed, and then we have a whole nother set of issues, right? So hold them back early as soon as the problem is identified. 340 00:27:08,34.3948711 --> 00:27:08,364.3948711 Okay. 341 00:27:08,404.3938711 --> 00:27:15,694.3948711 So we're going to try to stop them from internalizing that message of failure, that they're not good enough and they're not able because that message is carried deep. 342 00:27:15,774.3948711 --> 00:27:28,354.3948711 Deep in their heart and their soul, and we're going to see it manifest as they get older and it's going to spread into, I'm not good enough in a marriage, I'm not good enough in my career, I'm not good enough in this relationship and I'm not a good enough dad. 343 00:27:28,424.3948711 --> 00:27:30,394.3938711 We do not want this to cross over. 344 00:27:30,434.3938711 --> 00:27:34,504.3948711 If this crosses over without interruption, we have some problems. 345 00:27:34,834.3938711 --> 00:27:40,314.3948711 So all of these thoughts, point to, "I have no purpose and I'm not useful". 346 00:27:40,567.7282044 --> 00:27:41,437.7282044 Just think about that. 347 00:27:41,804.3948711 --> 00:27:42,664.3948711 I'm not good enough. 348 00:27:42,714.3948711 --> 00:27:43,534.3948711 I have no purpose. 349 00:27:43,574.3948711 --> 00:27:44,504.3948711 I'm not useful. 350 00:27:44,767.7282044 --> 00:27:54,121.0615377 It's just kind of like a knife in the heart, right? And these are the boys that are coming to me I can reroute their brain pretty fast and I know you can too, but we need to be aware of it. 351 00:27:54,131.0615377 --> 00:28:04,941.0615377 We need to be cognizant of how deep does this root, how far back do we have to go? And it can be quite far my friends, but I have seen massive turnaround pretty fast. 352 00:28:04,951.0605377 --> 00:28:12,911.0615377 So this is going to need to be reduced so that that internal drive that men have to be brave will kick back in. 353 00:28:12,986.0615377 --> 00:28:14,606.0615377 That they're going to want to try new things. 354 00:28:14,606.0615377 --> 00:28:16,86.0615377 That failure is cool. 355 00:28:16,336.0615377 --> 00:28:17,406.0615377 Failure is learning. 356 00:28:17,406.0615377 --> 00:28:18,406.0615377 We fail forward. 357 00:28:18,406.0615377 --> 00:28:20,736.0615377 We want to start to change the messaging. 358 00:28:21,36.0615377 --> 00:28:27,716.0615377 We want to help them find ways to be useful, help them find ways to be good enough and help them to know they deserve love. 359 00:28:27,726.0615377 --> 00:28:29,156.0605377 They're not working for love. 360 00:28:29,166.0605377 --> 00:28:30,816.0615377 They just deserve it. 361 00:28:31,66.0605377 --> 00:28:35,246.0605377 And when you have love and you can give love, you have purpose. 362 00:28:35,536.0615377 --> 00:28:42,976.0615377 It's the same root problem and failure is often going to be linked to some deeply ingrained message. 363 00:28:42,976.0615377 --> 00:28:55,56.0605377 Whether it was spoken by a parent, a teacher, another child, Learning by observation over the years, like they have at some point internalized some messaging that as adults need to be worked out. 364 00:28:55,356.0605377 --> 00:29:02,326.0595377 So we need to kind of kick into high gear with, with our children and start to reroute this and change the progression of those thoughts. 365 00:29:02,326.0595377 --> 00:29:09,636.0595377 But we also need to have compassion for the adults who need to work through this, that they are indeed really, really desired. 366 00:29:09,996.0595377 --> 00:29:15,206.0595377 And I highly recommend a huge emphasis with your kids for home service. 367 00:29:15,206.0595377 --> 00:29:17,606.0595377 What I mean by that, stop with the chores. 368 00:29:17,886.0595377 --> 00:29:21,546.0595377 You don't do chores for money. 369 00:29:21,626.0595377 --> 00:29:23,16.0605377 They serve out of love. 370 00:29:23,36.0605377 --> 00:29:25,716.0605377 We serve because we belong in a home. 371 00:29:25,726.0605377 --> 00:29:27,126.0605377 We belong together. 372 00:29:27,416.0605377 --> 00:29:28,416.0595377 We love each other. 373 00:29:28,436.0595377 --> 00:29:35,676.0605377 And these, Acts of service is something that should come from within as a gratitude, but also to help them understand that they are needed. 374 00:29:36,46.0605377 --> 00:29:37,606.0605377 They are contributing. 375 00:29:37,616.0595377 --> 00:29:52,86.0605377 They are part of this home and a home is about work and work is required to Make people feel loved and also to get love back because it's that yoking. 376 00:29:52,526.0605377 --> 00:30:04,566.0605377 We have to work toward things together So I would say the earliest is really when we're trying to get them to do chores and i'm gonna just call out a number: I'm gonna say three years old They need to start doing chores at three years old. 377 00:30:05,126.0605377 --> 00:30:08,86.0605377 So just, just get that going little chores. 378 00:30:08,86.0605377 --> 00:30:11,456.0600377 Remember you can look up developmentally appropriate things on Pinterest. 379 00:30:11,456.0600377 --> 00:30:16,766.0605377 It's all over the place, but three, four years old, and then it's just going to build as they get older. 380 00:30:16,776.0605377 --> 00:30:22,506.0605377 We're not creating little slaves, but you're going to find if you can train them younger, it's going to be so much easier. 381 00:30:22,506.0605377 --> 00:30:23,906.0605377 Don't wait until they're older. 382 00:30:24,51.0605377 --> 00:30:26,71.0605377 Also teach children to serve each other. 383 00:30:27,71.0605377 --> 00:30:28,961.0605377 Cleaning up after their friends. 384 00:30:28,991.0605377 --> 00:30:31,491.0605377 Cleaning up at their friend's house before they leave. 385 00:30:31,761.0605377 --> 00:30:34,331.0605377 Caring for their things and their friend's things. 386 00:30:34,411.0605377 --> 00:30:45,951.0605377 So, ask why? Have conversations with your kids, like, why are we doing this together? You know, and have them start to express things and tell them like, you are so valuable in this family. 387 00:30:45,991.0605377 --> 00:30:51,491.0605377 I'm just so glad you're part of this family and start to put the proper messaging into your child. 388 00:30:51,801.0605377 --> 00:30:58,911.0605377 Now, we're not trying to create narcissistic children who think, or like children who think they're better than everybody else and nothing like that. 389 00:30:59,11.0605377 --> 00:31:13,211.0605377 This is the humility to be willing to give endlessly not to earn love, but because they're so full of love that the love pours out and we need to teach them ways to pour out that love. 390 00:31:13,791.0605377 --> 00:31:16,461.0605377 I hope you kind of see why your child might be struggling. 391 00:31:16,871.0605377 --> 00:31:24,701.0605377 If this feels like possibly you get it, but now your kid is too old and you're not dealing with a four or an eight year old anymore. 392 00:31:24,711.0605377 --> 00:31:27,321.0595377 You've got a big kid with a big concern. 393 00:31:28,246.0605377 --> 00:31:28,906.0605377 I'm here for you. 394 00:31:29,296.0605377 --> 00:31:30,36.0605377 So reach out. 395 00:31:30,76.0605377 --> 00:31:31,336.0605377 I do one on one coaching. 396 00:31:31,356.0605377 --> 00:31:33,556.0605377 I have a group course that I'm going to be launching. 397 00:31:33,566.0605377 --> 00:31:38,626.0605377 I have digital courses that you can work through on your own that actually are really fantastic. 398 00:31:38,626.0605377 --> 00:31:45,326.0600377 If you're finding that your spouse also needs the same kind of coaching that your child does, You can do these programs together as a family. 399 00:31:45,336.0600377 --> 00:31:53,766.0600377 You're going to get more collective family vocabulary and conversations going, and it's really going to be transformative, but I want you to know that you're not crazy. 400 00:31:54,76.0600377 --> 00:31:59,996.0600377 Your kids are struggling and they've got a legitimate reason, but it's a symptom of something bigger in society. 401 00:32:00,326.0600377 --> 00:32:01,816.0600377 we can turn this around my friends. 402 00:32:01,856.0600377 --> 00:32:06,976.0600377 It's on us though, because if we don't take control, then we're just going to let another generation struggle. 403 00:32:07,441.0600377 --> 00:32:09,451.0600377 So let's change these statistics. 404 00:32:09,941.0600377 --> 00:32:10,701.0600377 Reach out to me. 405 00:32:10,731.0600377 --> 00:32:15,31.0600377 My website is www.selffoundry.com. 406 00:32:15,341.0600377 --> 00:32:16,411.0590377 I would love to connect. 407 00:32:16,411.0600377 --> 00:32:17,971.0600377 So you're grabbing my tech contract. 408 00:32:17,981.0600377 --> 00:32:21,21.0600377 Tech contracts are designed to give you more control. 409 00:32:21,81.0600377 --> 00:32:23,981.0600377 We know that this phone, it's a necessary evil. 410 00:32:24,251.0600377 --> 00:32:25,421.0600377 The kids need to connect. 411 00:32:25,421.0600377 --> 00:32:26,451.0590377 They need to be with their friends. 412 00:32:26,451.0600377 --> 00:32:27,681.0595377 They don't want to be left out. 413 00:32:27,681.0595377 --> 00:32:30,181.0600377 And frankly, this is how kids organize social gatherings. 414 00:32:30,191.0600377 --> 00:32:32,81.0600377 So we need them to be on. 415 00:32:32,451.0600377 --> 00:32:42,36.0600377 However, how much is too much? Is really going to be up to us now with any good contract, any good rule, any good discipline structure, it's all about the enforcement. 416 00:32:42,316.0600377 --> 00:32:43,616.0595377 We need to enforce it. 417 00:32:43,616.0595377 --> 00:32:50,296.0600377 And we need to be in unison with all of the adults and even caregivers, like maybe grandma, grandpa needs to be in on this contract. 418 00:32:50,356.0600377 --> 00:32:59,586.0600377 Here's the study that I'm basing this on in 2003, Korea's Hanyang University has been studying all kinds of data regarding phones. 419 00:32:59,956.0600377 --> 00:33:03,346.0590377 Most studies back in the day, we're saying everybody needs to be off phones. 420 00:33:03,346.0600377 --> 00:33:04,316.0590377 It's terrible for you. 421 00:33:04,316.0590377 --> 00:33:06,346.0595377 Social media is "ruining your child". 422 00:33:06,466.0595377 --> 00:33:07,605.9605377 Yada, yada, yada. 423 00:33:07,686.0605377 --> 00:33:08,706.0605377 This is the reality. 424 00:33:08,746.0605377 --> 00:33:09,416.0605377 We are parents. 425 00:33:09,416.0605377 --> 00:33:09,956.0605377 I'm a parent. 426 00:33:09,966.0605377 --> 00:33:10,806.0605377 I have teenagers. 427 00:33:10,806.0605377 --> 00:33:11,626.0605377 I have a young adult. 428 00:33:11,696.0605377 --> 00:33:14,296.0605377 I'm also building a business on the internet. 429 00:33:14,356.0605377 --> 00:33:15,816.0605377 We need access to it. 430 00:33:16,26.0595377 --> 00:33:20,561.0605377 Here's the actual research that's now coming out as of December 2023. 431 00:33:20,841.0605377 --> 00:33:41,581.0605377 So what is happening is they are saying if students could be on for one to two hours a day, this is going to significantly, significantly REDUCE their symptoms of depression, like their risk of depression, suicidal thoughts, sleep issues, stress, alcohol addiction, comparing to people who don't use a phone at all. 432 00:33:41,581.0605377 --> 00:33:42,421.0605377 So we need to be careful. 433 00:33:42,421.0605377 --> 00:33:44,911.0605377 We don't want to actually take away the phone completely. 434 00:33:44,911.0605377 --> 00:33:46,141.0605377 It increases your risk. 435 00:33:46,511.0595377 --> 00:33:50,261.0605377 However, the sweet spot is two to four hours. 436 00:33:50,531.0605377 --> 00:33:55,681.0605377 Four hours or more, this is going to increase their risk rate to 22%. 437 00:33:55,861.0605377 --> 00:33:57,91.0605377 This is high guys. 438 00:33:57,111.0605377 --> 00:33:58,971.0605377 We need to be very, very cautious. 439 00:33:59,271.0605377 --> 00:34:02,771.0605377 We know that girls, guys, they're all experiencing anxiety, stress. 440 00:34:02,771.0605377 --> 00:34:11,81.0595377 A lot of it has to do with comparison, feeling left out, feeling like they are not enough, feeling like they are wasting time because frankly they are. 441 00:34:11,81.0595377 --> 00:34:13,151.0605377 They're consuming, not adding value to the world. 442 00:34:13,441.0605377 --> 00:34:22,231.0605377 You're going to have to decide as adults, before we even talk about this contract with your child, how much is the sweet spot, but I wanted to give you a little bit of data. 443 00:34:22,451.0605377 --> 00:34:23,131.0600377 There is a link. 444 00:34:23,131.0600377 --> 00:34:24,851.0610377 It's free 15 minute consult. 445 00:34:24,891.0610377 --> 00:34:32,951.0630377 I'm happy to counsel you happy to work with your child, happy to coach you or your child into whatever future you choose to create. 446 00:34:33,291.0630377 --> 00:34:33,941.0630377 God bless.