February 22, 2024 • 20 mins
In this invigorating episode Alicia Hinger offers invaluable insights into effectively navigating relationship conflicts. Showcasing expertise and personal experiences, Alicia uncovers key tools and practices essential for cultivating healthier communication habits. The episode uniquely illustrates the repercussions these practices bear on personal relationships and emphasizes actionable advice to elevate your relationship literacy.
In addition to this, she shed light on the intrinsic role conflict plays in every relationship. Amid the challenges, Alicia argues that efficiently managing conflict can indeed induce growth, promote understanding, and bolster the bond with your partner. The episode comprehensively elaborates on how conflict discussions can sculpt your communication skills, emotional intelligence, and problem-solving capabilities, thereby eliminating the occurrences of resentment and misunderstanding.
-About Alicia
Alicia is a registered psychologist with over 24 years of experience in private practice. Her journey began in the fascinating field of forensics, where she gained invaluable assessment skills and was exposed to a wide range of mental health issues.
However,her true passion lies in family systems, attachment and the ecosystem of relationships. She has dedicated her career to understanding and working with the intricate dynamics of families and relationships. To deepen her knowledge and skills, she have undergone extensive training in couples therapy, including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method. One approach that has truly captivated her is Stan Tatkin's PACT therapy, which centers around the concept of secure attachment.
In addition to being a psychologist, she is also a life coach, a PACT coach, and a relationship coach. These roles allow her to support individuals and couples in creating meaningful and fulfilling lives and nurturing healthy connections. She is also the clinical director of Core Elements Counseling and has supervised many students and provisional psychologists as well as taught at both college and University campuses.
On a personal note, she is happily married, celebrating over 20 years of partnership. Together, with her spouse raising two incredible teenagers, which has provided a unique understanding of the challenges and joys of navigating family life.
Outside of my professional life, she is a lover of dark chocolate, an advocate for all animals, and finds solace in the beauty of nature.
-About Dayna
Dayna Mullen is a passionate Registered Psychologist (Alberta #3595, BC #2828, Vermont #047.0133697) and Relationship Coach dedicated to helping individuals and couples improve their lives and relationships. With a belief in accessing inner potential and creating a clear life vision, Dayna empowers clients to make positive changes. Her background in forensics led her to specialize in couples therapy and earn a Master's of Science degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is committed to ongoing professional development and collaborates with experts in the field. Dayna finds inspiration in her own marriage and is a playful, kindhearted, and an outgoing person. She loves her family, friends, black coffee, and milk chocolate. Dayna's mission is to guide clients towards secure and fulfilling relationships, helping them lead extraordinary lives.
-Our Business
The Relationship Psychologist podcast is committed to deepening your self-understanding, enhancing your relationships, and navigating life's challenges in a healthy and positive way. Drawing from our combined experience of over 45 years, we are excited to share our knowledge and expertise, empowering you to cultivate healthier relationships and tackle the obstacles of everyday life with a positive mindset.
-Things Heard on This Episode
Core Elements - http://bit.ly/3pawldh
daynamullen.com - https://bit.ly/3JqtG67
-Connect with The Relationship Psychologist
The Relationship Psychologist's Instagram - https://bit.ly/3XmbdgG
Alicia's Instagram - https://bit.ly/3pefIgJ
Dayna's Instagram - https://bit.ly/3NjvMWj
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
If there's something that you did that caused your partner harm,
a word, a gesture, a behavior that caused them to feel bad, apologize.
A genuine heartfelt apology.
I can see my actions were hurtful. I can see my words were hurtful.
Welcome to the Relationship Psychologist Podcast.
Tune in every Thursday to learn with us as we interview experts.
And laugh with us as we banter about friendship.
(00:22):
And take action by implementing the tools and advice we provide to you each
week to level up your personal relationships.
I'm Dana Mullen. And I'm Alicia Hinger. We are soul sisters,
besties, and psychologists on a mission to change the culture of relationships.
Your journey to becoming more supported and connected starts right now.
(00:44):
Okay, welcome back to session three of our communication mini series here.
I want to talk about conflict and conflict discussions today,
which is a massive topic.
And so, again, there's not a one-size-fits-all for this discussion,
but I want to see if I can give you some skills to practice and even a basic
outline towards moving towards healthy conflict discussions.
(01:07):
Now in the previous two podcasts we assessed our communication style which will
be useful to know when you're in conflict what is your default mode useful to know that information.
We also practice the thing called mirroring or what you call the verbatim exercise
where you're practicing that listening skill and interrupting the pattern of
rebuttaling what you're going to say before your person finishes speaking.
(01:27):
So those are really important tools to already learn before we go into a conflict discussion.
Remember that active listening involves giving your full attention to the speaker.
And so when you have a conflict discussion, I think this is still useful,
hard to do. I'm giving you, again, skills and ideas.
But remember, when you're in a conflict discussion, you're going to feel triggered
(01:48):
or dysregulated or heightened or emotional.
And all of these things are going to hijack this process, which is why I want
you to practice these skills when you're not in a heightened state or not discussing a hot topic.
The more we practice anything in life the more adept we'll be at utilizing those
skills when we need them so just like in any conversation what we practice with the act of listening.
(02:10):
Is really important or it's going to lead towards
more misunderstanding more assumptions that are incorrect confusion and then
inevitably ineffective problem solving or ineffective resolution of whatever
conflict is arising so i'm going to challenge you to utilize those skills you
practiced already in a conflict discussion.
(02:31):
Asking yourself, am I fully focused on the speaker? Am I able to listen to their
message or am I distracted by my own thoughts?
Am I interrupting? Am I reflecting on what they're saying?
Am I understanding what they're saying or is there gaps in my understanding?
Do I need clarification? Am I asking for clarification?
Am I demonstrating and communicating empathy and understanding and validation?
(02:53):
Am I resisting that urge to rebuttal or mentally prepare my response while the
speaker is still talking?
And then when I'm talking, am I able to express my needs, my emotions,
my points of view, my perspective in a healthy, clear way that facilitates clear
understanding and effective communication for their circumstance?
(03:14):
Am I focused on the relationship? Am I focused on resolving this conflict,
not the conflict from last year, last week?
Am I focused on the here and now, this particular conflict? Am I regulated enough
right now to have this conversation?
Am I focused and fostering an environment of mutual respect?
Where both parties feel valued, heard, and understood?
(03:37):
Am I noticing my own body, my own nonverbal cues? Am I noticing my partner's
body and nonverbal cues?
Or am I resorting back to aggressive language, insults, derogatory remarks,
anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, blaming, accusing, suppressing my emotions,
avoiding passive-aggressive behavior or more communication.
(03:58):
Like I said, in the first podcast, conflict is a natural part of any relationship, it's going to happen.
And actually resolving conflict or having deep conflict discussions can lead
towards much growth in a relationship.
It's a great way to express vulnerability and just express your needs,
your perspectives, your desires.
It's a great way to learn, understand yourself and each
(04:21):
other and the relationship better and to work towards resolving
finding mutually beneficial solutions conflict discussions can actually improve
your communication skills it's a chance to practice the skills we've been talking
about in the last two podcasts to practice your listening to practice your empathy
to practice your paying attention to the non-verbal cues your attunement i call
that to practice your communication,
(04:43):
skills that are clear and concise mindful it's a chance to deepen our understanding of each other.
It's a chance to create safety for each other. It's a chance to strengthen our
connection and our mutual understanding of our relationship.
It's a chance to practice our problem-solving skills and be collaborative and work as a team.
(05:06):
It's a chance to increase our emotional intelligence.
Or it's a chance to create bitterness and resentment and communication breakdown
and diminish emotional connection and escalate not only this issue,
but past issues and create disconnection. And we've all been there. So let's not do that.
Okay, so whatever the conflict is, or the communication, or content is about,
(05:30):
let's remember to focus on a couple of things, like our active listening,
like our empathetic acknowledgement and validation of the other person's point of view,
even though it's probably going to be different than yours, course like clarifying
understanding asking for clarification articulating back
what we've heard to make sure that we understood is this
(05:50):
correct what i'm hearing from you is this it sounds like your point of view
is this and we seek to understand first before we respond it's also useful to
look for common ground often when we're in conflict we're fighting for our values
and that's important to us and so we can find a common ground that seems like
we both value this and we We both value our kids,
and we're just coming across differently in our parenting style.
(06:13):
We both value an organized, efficient, flowing household, and the chaos that
we're currently living in is causing us both to feel overwhelmed and distressed.
And then can we find spaces to take responsibility? This is a really important one.
Can you accept and verbalize your responsibility for your child?
(06:34):
Part for your role in the conflict maybe it was a response maybe it was a lack of response,
maybe it was a behavior can you own your part in
the current event that you're discussing and then
can we remember to stay in that place where we're both looking for a collaborative
solution the goal of a conflict discussion isn't it as event and stay in a fight
(06:55):
it's to resolve it's to both feel heard understood maybe not resolve the content
i said before maybe not resolve the content but resolve that we can disagree
on this thing, but we're still good. We're still safe. We're still secure.
And eventually we'll figure out a way to resolve this topic,
whether it be the common ones, right? Sex, mess, kids, in-laws, finances.
Those are kind of common hot topics that people come in with.
(07:16):
When things get too heated or too escalated, can we take a moment to pause?
What's going to be our code words, our keywords, our cues to say,
this is too heated, or I'm getting dysregulated, or I'm getting too upset.
Can we take a pause? Can we take a five minute, 10 minute 30 second if I need
to pause or just go for a walk take a breath get a glass of water this topic
(07:37):
is important to me I know it's important to you and I want us to have an articulate.
Well thought out empathetic discussion and maybe it seems like right now we're
becoming unskillful and falling back in old patterns so let's pause and come
back to this in blank minutes I also want to ensure that we both feel heard
we both want to make sure that we set aside time that we We both have the space
(07:58):
to articulate our concerns,
our point of view, and give it the time it needs to first active listen,
feel understood, feel validated, create the container of safety and security.
If you need to come back to resolve the content, so be it. And if you need somebody
else, like a third person, a mediator type,
not a kid, maybe a counselor or someone that can maintain a neutral ground to
(08:21):
help mediate this discussion,
not to take sides or to pit your friend or somebody
against your partner it is not the
global mediator okay so what might this look like for example so
there's a thousand reasons for
conflict discussions as we know but let's talk about the big ones if there's
a breach so if there's a breach in our safety secure system which might be a
(08:43):
breach in our trust which might be a breach in the way you talked to me earlier
now i'm feeling upset i'm feeling disrespected whatever whatever that is,
I encourage you to again, take accountability.
This is important to pause and say, even though that wasn't my intention, let's not start there.
Start with, I acknowledge that your experience of what happened is this.
If your partner's telling you my experience feels like this,
(09:04):
even if it was not your intention, acknowledge that.
You start with, well, that wasn't my intention. You've just dismissed their entire experience.
So start with the acknowledgement. Start with showing you understand their perspective.
Again, even if you don't agree with it, that's not the point.
Start with acknowledging, validating their perspective.
This doesn't mean you agree. We're not enabling them to stay there.
We're opening the door to a conversation.
(09:24):
And then validate how that incident might have affected them.
If they've been telling you all day that's how they feel, then acknowledge it.
I've heard you say or it sounds like this based on what you've told me.
I understand your point of view, your feelings, your perspective.
Feels like this. Your feelings matter to me. You are important to me.
I want you to know that I understand how this affected you and our relationship.
(09:46):
Defensiveness will kill connection, will kill a safe, secure discussion very quickly.
So resist the urge, become defensive. I know it's really hard.
And if you get defensive, pause and say, sorry, that was my part of me.
I got defensive, my protector, my whatever it is, call the defense out and then
pause and go back to let me acknowledge again, your experience.
Because again, we're going to do this back and forth, you both get a chance to acknowledge and
(10:07):
share your point of view your perspective with each other
if there's something that you did that caused your partner harm a
word a gesture a behavior that caused them to feel bad apologize a genuine heartfelt
apology I can see my actions were hurtful I can see my words were hurtful I
can see that what I did had an impact on you and in our relationship and I'm
sorry an honest heartfelt apology with no defenses.
(10:33):
No excuses, but just clear and sincere.
If your words aren't sincere, they're just words. And next time you say I'm
sorry, your partner is going to roll their eyes and not believe you.
So your words when you apologize matter and how you say I'm sorry matters.
So practice the art of good apologies, sincere, authentic apologies.
Don't use the word but or just, don't justify your behavior,
(10:55):
just a sincere I'm sorry.
And if that's hard for you, then go to help me understand,
help me understand how this affected you help me
understand how you're experiencing or feeling this from your point of view
and then once you understand their point of view and
there's been an apology then you can offer an opportunity for
us to discuss solutions or a pathway to change what can we do to make meaningful
(11:18):
changes and improvements so that doesn't happen again what can we do to prevent
this from happening again and then once these changes have been discussed and
those ideas presented that feel useful and appropriate and beneficial to the
relationship, then commit to those things.
Based on today, I'm committed to making this tangible change.
I am going to do X, Y, Z to make sure this doesn't happen again in the future.
(11:41):
So having these discussions isn't easy, of course, but there are some things
you can do to make these conflict or hot topic discussions a a little bit easier on your relationship.
So one thing I'm going to do is plan a time, prepare a time.
So if there's a topic you want to bring up with your partner,
you want to discuss with your partner, maybe give them a heads up.
Hey, I'd like to have this discussion with you. Can we make time tonight or
(12:03):
tomorrow or within an appropriate timeline?
This gives both you and your partner time to go back to those skills you talked
about earlier, where you can be really clear about your intentions and get mindful
about how you want to articulate your point of view
and how you want to listen to their point of view and come to a mutual collaborative solution.
(12:23):
So choosing a time and a place might be appropriate where both of you can be calm and calm.
Uninterrupted if that's possible and then john gotman
talks about a softened startup so saying
things like i really appreciate taking the time to talk to me about this or
i appreciate that life's been really busy we both really i know value for example
(12:45):
a clean home we value an organized clean environment and i can just feel that
it's been disorganized and kind of for both of us you're acknowledging the problem
the concern with appreciation i understand that your point of view might be this.
Or I appreciate you've been working so hard for our family, for example.
And I'm noticing that while you're out working so hard, XYZ is happening here.
(13:07):
I mean, this is just a general idea, but an outline of like, I appreciate XYZ.
And I'm noticing this, this and this.
So fill in your own blanks for your own discussion. I also find using that parts
language, we talk about parts in our other podcasts many times.
So using part of me feels feels like this part of me really appreciates you
and understands your point of view or how you might be feeling or part of me
(13:29):
understands why this is so difficult for our relationship but a part of me also
feels frustrated a part of me feels stuck or part of me feels so using parts
language to help get across your point of view might also soften the startup of this conversation.
And then asking your partner can you listen to my point of view first or do me listen to yours,
often assessing who's going to the most distressed individual so when someone
(13:51):
comes in my office and I'm watching them communicate, I'll often let the person
who's the most distressed talk first, because they're not going to be able to
be a good active listener when they're in that state of distress.
So to calm them down, take a second, like I said, the very beginning to close
your eyes, take a few breaths, regulate, and ask yourself, what is your intent?
What is your goal for the conversation?
And then going back and forth, practicing that active or mirroring verbatim
(14:13):
listening that we talked about in podcast number one.
And if you're the speaker, take your time to express your concerns,
you've had some time to plan for this, you've set aside time to have this conversation.
So come with an articulate, best you can plan of what you hope to share and
what you hope your partner will understand about your point of view on this
topic throughout this conversation.
(14:34):
So to have someone actively listen to you, we're not using things that are threatening,
we're not getting their license, we're not getting each other,
we're not using language that's going to shut them down or flood them best we can.
We're paying attention using all those cues we talked about at the beginning,
those verbal cues and nonverbal cues in the first podcast, paying close attention
to all those things while we're doing our active communication and active listening skills.
(14:57):
And then focus on the goal. If the goal is to resolve this thing about the messy
house or the thing about finances or the thing about parenting or whatever the
issue is, focus on that thing, not the individual. It's not a you fault system. It's a default system.
Our parenting or our intimacy or our finances or whatever the topic is,
(15:17):
focus on that topic and resist the urge to bring into it a thousand other topics.
Focus on one topic at a time. So this is our conflict, our hot topic today.
We're going to focus on this one thing here today.
Maybe there's other topics to discuss at a different time, but we're going to
focus on one thing at a time.
So by focusing on the topic, I'm going to avoid criticizing or ridiculing or
personally attacking the other person.
(15:39):
I'm not going to generalize their behavior, generalize why they're doing what they're doing.
I'm going to focus on maybe the actions that have led to this current situation that we're in,
express my experience about my feelings, my perspective of it,
and then do the same for them listen to their experience their
perspectives and then work together to try to
find a collaborative solution so as we're working on the solution
we value this we both
(16:03):
believe this is important in our relationship we both
want this and then again once we've agreed on some
action moving forward we you know i'm
a big fan of agreements which you guys know we create agreements on those things so
now that we know this thing is an issue we both agree to do these things differently
and i'm a fan of writing those things down i love clarity so write those things
down these are our new agreements based on our discussion today high five good
(16:25):
job thank you for the discussion so it might sound something like this hey hon
i appreciate you taking the time to talk to me today i also appreciate and then
mention something i appreciate about them,
i've noticed that there's some tension in whatever our house or our finances or our parenting lately,
and then talk about your experience i felt a bit overwhelmed or i've been feeling
(16:45):
a bit lonely i've been feeling a bit whatever your experience is about whatever
the topic is Again, appreciation, understand it's challenging,
understand that you're doing the best you can do, understand,
right? So we're going back and forth with this. I understand you.
I'm appreciating you, but I'm also pointing at my point of view of how I'm feeling stuck.
In this current topic. As we get better at this conflict discussion,
(17:06):
we don't have to use the verbatim technique anymore, because I said at the beginning,
that's kind of annoying.
But having a back and forth dialogue where I'm this, where I,
one person is communicating their experience, other person's validating back,
rather than this back and forth discussion of sharing, validation,
understanding, sharing validation on both parties.
So it's going to, it's a back and forth dialogue, we're both communicating collaboratively
(17:27):
back and forth, do we get to exhaust our entire stories, our entire experience,
which shouldn't take that long.
You also might want to give this discussion a timeline. If someone gets flooded
easily, or gets overwhelmed easily, maybe you want to say, let's discuss this thing.
Let's give it, you know, like one at a time. Let's give it 10 minutes only.
So we both know we're not stuck discussing this topic for three hours.
(17:47):
And again, if we only get as far as I hear you, I understand you,
let me think on that. Let me come back with some new ideas. Great. great.
We're still creating the container of safety and security.
So the discussion is still a conflictual discussion about a topic,
but we're not in conflict.
We're safe and secure having this discussion about a topic that we can't quite
agree on yet, which may give us some time to go back and rethink it,
(18:08):
to get more resourceful, to get some new ideas, to get some new clarity.
So don't feel like you have to resolve the topic that minute,
unless it's a life or death, of course. But usually we have time.
How are we going to resolve this thing without our finances?
How are we going to resolve this thing about our finances or about our parenting
or about our in-laws or about our sex life?
(18:30):
First, let's seek to understand your partner's point of view and how it's affecting
the relationship, how it's affecting our mutual agreed upon goals,
visions, and values, our principles, our mission, what we're doing together.
How's it affecting that bubble, that picture first?
So like I said at the beginning, a conflict discussion is a complex discussion
often, and it requires skill. I'm giving you some just starting points here
(18:53):
to start to create some skill for you that hopefully will develop and evolve over time.
I want to begin to challenge you to identify for yourselves in your relationships.
What are healthy conflict resolution techniques, communication strategies that we're actually using?
And what are things we've been doing that have been unhealthy or disconnecting
in our relationship during our disagreements?
What can we utilize now to improve those things?
(19:15):
How can we diffuse tension during our communication, during our conflict discussions?
Questions how can we increase our connection our vulnerability and
our safety even while we're disagreeing how can
we own be responsible and accountable for our own behaviors how
can we understand our own communication styles as well as our
partners and how can we work towards resolving conflict in
(19:36):
a mutually beneficial collaborative safe and
secure container that we call our relationship
i know this is a big topic these are
just some basic skills hopefully this
is a starting for you guys to jump off of and putting
together this content into kind of a workbook
strategy so if you're interested in that dm me i'll let you know
(19:56):
when it'll be available there are lots of supports out there for conflict discussions
not only professional help like counselors and therapists mediators but also
books other podcasts youtube videos so i encourage you to practice some some
of the skills I've given you here.
But don't stop there. Continue to explore to make your discussions the best
(20:19):
they can be because your relationship is worth it. And you're worth it.
Thanks so much for joining us. We're really glad you're here with us on this journey.
The best way to support this podcast is to subscribe and give it a five star
review. See you next time.
Music.
If there's something that you did that caused your partner harm,
a word, a gesture, a behavior that caused them to feel bad, apologize.
A genuine heartfelt apology.
I can see my actions were hurtful. I can see my words were hurtful.
Welcome to the Relationship Psychologist Podcast.
Tune in every Thursday to learn with us as we interview experts.
And laugh with us as we banter about friendship.
(00:22):
And take action by implementing the tools and advice we provide to you each
week to level up your personal relationships.
I'm Dana Mullen. And I'm Alicia Hinger. We are soul sisters,
besties, and psychologists on a mission to change the culture of relationships.
Your journey to becoming more supported and connected starts right now.
(00:44):
Okay, welcome back to session three of our communication mini series here.
I want to talk about conflict and conflict discussions today,
which is a massive topic.
And so, again, there's not a one-size-fits-all for this discussion,
but I want to see if I can give you some skills to practice and even a basic
outline towards moving towards healthy conflict discussions.
(01:07):
Now in the previous two podcasts we assessed our communication style which will
be useful to know when you're in conflict what is your default mode useful to know that information.
We also practice the thing called mirroring or what you call the verbatim exercise
where you're practicing that listening skill and interrupting the pattern of
rebuttaling what you're going to say before your person finishes speaking.
(01:27):
So those are really important tools to already learn before we go into a conflict discussion.
Remember that active listening involves giving your full attention to the speaker.
And so when you have a conflict discussion, I think this is still useful,
hard to do. I'm giving you, again, skills and ideas.
But remember, when you're in a conflict discussion, you're going to feel triggered
(01:48):
or dysregulated or heightened or emotional.
And all of these things are going to hijack this process, which is why I want
you to practice these skills when you're not in a heightened state or not discussing a hot topic.
The more we practice anything in life the more adept we'll be at utilizing those
skills when we need them so just like in any conversation what we practice with the act of listening.
(02:10):
Is really important or it's going to lead towards
more misunderstanding more assumptions that are incorrect confusion and then
inevitably ineffective problem solving or ineffective resolution of whatever
conflict is arising so i'm going to challenge you to utilize those skills you
practiced already in a conflict discussion.
(02:31):
Asking yourself, am I fully focused on the speaker? Am I able to listen to their
message or am I distracted by my own thoughts?
Am I interrupting? Am I reflecting on what they're saying?
Am I understanding what they're saying or is there gaps in my understanding?
Do I need clarification? Am I asking for clarification?
Am I demonstrating and communicating empathy and understanding and validation?
(02:53):
Am I resisting that urge to rebuttal or mentally prepare my response while the
speaker is still talking?
And then when I'm talking, am I able to express my needs, my emotions,
my points of view, my perspective in a healthy, clear way that facilitates clear
understanding and effective communication for their circumstance?
(03:14):
Am I focused on the relationship? Am I focused on resolving this conflict,
not the conflict from last year, last week?
Am I focused on the here and now, this particular conflict? Am I regulated enough
right now to have this conversation?
Am I focused and fostering an environment of mutual respect?
Where both parties feel valued, heard, and understood?
(03:37):
Am I noticing my own body, my own nonverbal cues? Am I noticing my partner's
body and nonverbal cues?
Or am I resorting back to aggressive language, insults, derogatory remarks,
anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, blaming, accusing, suppressing my emotions,
avoiding passive-aggressive behavior or more communication.
(03:58):
Like I said, in the first podcast, conflict is a natural part of any relationship, it's going to happen.
And actually resolving conflict or having deep conflict discussions can lead
towards much growth in a relationship.
It's a great way to express vulnerability and just express your needs,
your perspectives, your desires.
It's a great way to learn, understand yourself and each
(04:21):
other and the relationship better and to work towards resolving
finding mutually beneficial solutions conflict discussions can actually improve
your communication skills it's a chance to practice the skills we've been talking
about in the last two podcasts to practice your listening to practice your empathy
to practice your paying attention to the non-verbal cues your attunement i call
that to practice your communication,
(04:43):
skills that are clear and concise mindful it's a chance to deepen our understanding of each other.
It's a chance to create safety for each other. It's a chance to strengthen our
connection and our mutual understanding of our relationship.
It's a chance to practice our problem-solving skills and be collaborative and work as a team.
(05:06):
It's a chance to increase our emotional intelligence.
Or it's a chance to create bitterness and resentment and communication breakdown
and diminish emotional connection and escalate not only this issue,
but past issues and create disconnection. And we've all been there. So let's not do that.
Okay, so whatever the conflict is, or the communication, or content is about,
(05:30):
let's remember to focus on a couple of things, like our active listening,
like our empathetic acknowledgement and validation of the other person's point of view,
even though it's probably going to be different than yours, course like clarifying
understanding asking for clarification articulating back
what we've heard to make sure that we understood is this
(05:50):
correct what i'm hearing from you is this it sounds like your point of view
is this and we seek to understand first before we respond it's also useful to
look for common ground often when we're in conflict we're fighting for our values
and that's important to us and so we can find a common ground that seems like
we both value this and we We both value our kids,
and we're just coming across differently in our parenting style.
(06:13):
We both value an organized, efficient, flowing household, and the chaos that
we're currently living in is causing us both to feel overwhelmed and distressed.
And then can we find spaces to take responsibility? This is a really important one.
Can you accept and verbalize your responsibility for your child?
(06:34):
Part for your role in the conflict maybe it was a response maybe it was a lack of response,
maybe it was a behavior can you own your part in
the current event that you're discussing and then
can we remember to stay in that place where we're both looking for a collaborative
solution the goal of a conflict discussion isn't it as event and stay in a fight
(06:55):
it's to resolve it's to both feel heard understood maybe not resolve the content
i said before maybe not resolve the content but resolve that we can disagree
on this thing, but we're still good. We're still safe. We're still secure.
And eventually we'll figure out a way to resolve this topic,
whether it be the common ones, right? Sex, mess, kids, in-laws, finances.
Those are kind of common hot topics that people come in with.
(07:16):
When things get too heated or too escalated, can we take a moment to pause?
What's going to be our code words, our keywords, our cues to say,
this is too heated, or I'm getting dysregulated, or I'm getting too upset.
Can we take a pause? Can we take a five minute, 10 minute 30 second if I need
to pause or just go for a walk take a breath get a glass of water this topic
(07:37):
is important to me I know it's important to you and I want us to have an articulate.
Well thought out empathetic discussion and maybe it seems like right now we're
becoming unskillful and falling back in old patterns so let's pause and come
back to this in blank minutes I also want to ensure that we both feel heard
we both want to make sure that we set aside time that we We both have the space
(07:58):
to articulate our concerns,
our point of view, and give it the time it needs to first active listen,
feel understood, feel validated, create the container of safety and security.
If you need to come back to resolve the content, so be it. And if you need somebody
else, like a third person, a mediator type,
not a kid, maybe a counselor or someone that can maintain a neutral ground to
(08:21):
help mediate this discussion,
not to take sides or to pit your friend or somebody
against your partner it is not the
global mediator okay so what might this look like for example so
there's a thousand reasons for
conflict discussions as we know but let's talk about the big ones if there's
a breach so if there's a breach in our safety secure system which might be a
(08:43):
breach in our trust which might be a breach in the way you talked to me earlier
now i'm feeling upset i'm feeling disrespected whatever whatever that is,
I encourage you to again, take accountability.
This is important to pause and say, even though that wasn't my intention, let's not start there.
Start with, I acknowledge that your experience of what happened is this.
If your partner's telling you my experience feels like this,
(09:04):
even if it was not your intention, acknowledge that.
You start with, well, that wasn't my intention. You've just dismissed their entire experience.
So start with the acknowledgement. Start with showing you understand their perspective.
Again, even if you don't agree with it, that's not the point.
Start with acknowledging, validating their perspective.
This doesn't mean you agree. We're not enabling them to stay there.
We're opening the door to a conversation.
(09:24):
And then validate how that incident might have affected them.
If they've been telling you all day that's how they feel, then acknowledge it.
I've heard you say or it sounds like this based on what you've told me.
I understand your point of view, your feelings, your perspective.
Feels like this. Your feelings matter to me. You are important to me.
I want you to know that I understand how this affected you and our relationship.
(09:46):
Defensiveness will kill connection, will kill a safe, secure discussion very quickly.
So resist the urge, become defensive. I know it's really hard.
And if you get defensive, pause and say, sorry, that was my part of me.
I got defensive, my protector, my whatever it is, call the defense out and then
pause and go back to let me acknowledge again, your experience.
Because again, we're going to do this back and forth, you both get a chance to acknowledge and
(10:07):
share your point of view your perspective with each other
if there's something that you did that caused your partner harm a
word a gesture a behavior that caused them to feel bad apologize a genuine heartfelt
apology I can see my actions were hurtful I can see my words were hurtful I
can see that what I did had an impact on you and in our relationship and I'm
sorry an honest heartfelt apology with no defenses.
(10:33):
No excuses, but just clear and sincere.
If your words aren't sincere, they're just words. And next time you say I'm
sorry, your partner is going to roll their eyes and not believe you.
So your words when you apologize matter and how you say I'm sorry matters.
So practice the art of good apologies, sincere, authentic apologies.
Don't use the word but or just, don't justify your behavior,
(10:55):
just a sincere I'm sorry.
And if that's hard for you, then go to help me understand,
help me understand how this affected you help me
understand how you're experiencing or feeling this from your point of view
and then once you understand their point of view and
there's been an apology then you can offer an opportunity for
us to discuss solutions or a pathway to change what can we do to make meaningful
(11:18):
changes and improvements so that doesn't happen again what can we do to prevent
this from happening again and then once these changes have been discussed and
those ideas presented that feel useful and appropriate and beneficial to the
relationship, then commit to those things.
Based on today, I'm committed to making this tangible change.
I am going to do X, Y, Z to make sure this doesn't happen again in the future.
(11:41):
So having these discussions isn't easy, of course, but there are some things
you can do to make these conflict or hot topic discussions a a little bit easier on your relationship.
So one thing I'm going to do is plan a time, prepare a time.
So if there's a topic you want to bring up with your partner,
you want to discuss with your partner, maybe give them a heads up.
Hey, I'd like to have this discussion with you. Can we make time tonight or
(12:03):
tomorrow or within an appropriate timeline?
This gives both you and your partner time to go back to those skills you talked
about earlier, where you can be really clear about your intentions and get mindful
about how you want to articulate your point of view
and how you want to listen to their point of view and come to a mutual collaborative solution.
(12:23):
So choosing a time and a place might be appropriate where both of you can be calm and calm.
Uninterrupted if that's possible and then john gotman
talks about a softened startup so saying
things like i really appreciate taking the time to talk to me about this or
i appreciate that life's been really busy we both really i know value for example
(12:45):
a clean home we value an organized clean environment and i can just feel that
it's been disorganized and kind of for both of us you're acknowledging the problem
the concern with appreciation i understand that your point of view might be this.
Or I appreciate you've been working so hard for our family, for example.
And I'm noticing that while you're out working so hard, XYZ is happening here.
(13:07):
I mean, this is just a general idea, but an outline of like, I appreciate XYZ.
And I'm noticing this, this and this.
So fill in your own blanks for your own discussion. I also find using that parts
language, we talk about parts in our other podcasts many times.
So using part of me feels feels like this part of me really appreciates you
and understands your point of view or how you might be feeling or part of me
(13:29):
understands why this is so difficult for our relationship but a part of me also
feels frustrated a part of me feels stuck or part of me feels so using parts
language to help get across your point of view might also soften the startup of this conversation.
And then asking your partner can you listen to my point of view first or do me listen to yours,
often assessing who's going to the most distressed individual so when someone
(13:51):
comes in my office and I'm watching them communicate, I'll often let the person
who's the most distressed talk first, because they're not going to be able to
be a good active listener when they're in that state of distress.
So to calm them down, take a second, like I said, the very beginning to close
your eyes, take a few breaths, regulate, and ask yourself, what is your intent?
What is your goal for the conversation?
And then going back and forth, practicing that active or mirroring verbatim
(14:13):
listening that we talked about in podcast number one.
And if you're the speaker, take your time to express your concerns,
you've had some time to plan for this, you've set aside time to have this conversation.
So come with an articulate, best you can plan of what you hope to share and
what you hope your partner will understand about your point of view on this
topic throughout this conversation.
(14:34):
So to have someone actively listen to you, we're not using things that are threatening,
we're not getting their license, we're not getting each other,
we're not using language that's going to shut them down or flood them best we can.
We're paying attention using all those cues we talked about at the beginning,
those verbal cues and nonverbal cues in the first podcast, paying close attention
to all those things while we're doing our active communication and active listening skills.
(14:57):
And then focus on the goal. If the goal is to resolve this thing about the messy
house or the thing about finances or the thing about parenting or whatever the
issue is, focus on that thing, not the individual. It's not a you fault system. It's a default system.
Our parenting or our intimacy or our finances or whatever the topic is,
(15:17):
focus on that topic and resist the urge to bring into it a thousand other topics.
Focus on one topic at a time. So this is our conflict, our hot topic today.
We're going to focus on this one thing here today.
Maybe there's other topics to discuss at a different time, but we're going to
focus on one thing at a time.
So by focusing on the topic, I'm going to avoid criticizing or ridiculing or
personally attacking the other person.
(15:39):
I'm not going to generalize their behavior, generalize why they're doing what they're doing.
I'm going to focus on maybe the actions that have led to this current situation that we're in,
express my experience about my feelings, my perspective of it,
and then do the same for them listen to their experience their
perspectives and then work together to try to
find a collaborative solution so as we're working on the solution
we value this we both
(16:03):
believe this is important in our relationship we both
want this and then again once we've agreed on some
action moving forward we you know i'm
a big fan of agreements which you guys know we create agreements on those things so
now that we know this thing is an issue we both agree to do these things differently
and i'm a fan of writing those things down i love clarity so write those things
down these are our new agreements based on our discussion today high five good
(16:25):
job thank you for the discussion so it might sound something like this hey hon
i appreciate you taking the time to talk to me today i also appreciate and then
mention something i appreciate about them,
i've noticed that there's some tension in whatever our house or our finances or our parenting lately,
and then talk about your experience i felt a bit overwhelmed or i've been feeling
(16:45):
a bit lonely i've been feeling a bit whatever your experience is about whatever
the topic is Again, appreciation, understand it's challenging,
understand that you're doing the best you can do, understand,
right? So we're going back and forth with this. I understand you.
I'm appreciating you, but I'm also pointing at my point of view of how I'm feeling stuck.
In this current topic. As we get better at this conflict discussion,
(17:06):
we don't have to use the verbatim technique anymore, because I said at the beginning,
that's kind of annoying.
But having a back and forth dialogue where I'm this, where I,
one person is communicating their experience, other person's validating back,
rather than this back and forth discussion of sharing, validation,
understanding, sharing validation on both parties.
So it's going to, it's a back and forth dialogue, we're both communicating collaboratively
(17:27):
back and forth, do we get to exhaust our entire stories, our entire experience,
which shouldn't take that long.
You also might want to give this discussion a timeline. If someone gets flooded
easily, or gets overwhelmed easily, maybe you want to say, let's discuss this thing.
Let's give it, you know, like one at a time. Let's give it 10 minutes only.
So we both know we're not stuck discussing this topic for three hours.
(17:47):
And again, if we only get as far as I hear you, I understand you,
let me think on that. Let me come back with some new ideas. Great. great.
We're still creating the container of safety and security.
So the discussion is still a conflictual discussion about a topic,
but we're not in conflict.
We're safe and secure having this discussion about a topic that we can't quite
agree on yet, which may give us some time to go back and rethink it,
(18:08):
to get more resourceful, to get some new ideas, to get some new clarity.
So don't feel like you have to resolve the topic that minute,
unless it's a life or death, of course. But usually we have time.
How are we going to resolve this thing without our finances?
How are we going to resolve this thing about our finances or about our parenting
or about our in-laws or about our sex life?
(18:30):
First, let's seek to understand your partner's point of view and how it's affecting
the relationship, how it's affecting our mutual agreed upon goals,
visions, and values, our principles, our mission, what we're doing together.
How's it affecting that bubble, that picture first?
So like I said at the beginning, a conflict discussion is a complex discussion
often, and it requires skill. I'm giving you some just starting points here
(18:53):
to start to create some skill for you that hopefully will develop and evolve over time.
I want to begin to challenge you to identify for yourselves in your relationships.
What are healthy conflict resolution techniques, communication strategies that we're actually using?
And what are things we've been doing that have been unhealthy or disconnecting
in our relationship during our disagreements?
What can we utilize now to improve those things?
(19:15):
How can we diffuse tension during our communication, during our conflict discussions?
Questions how can we increase our connection our vulnerability and
our safety even while we're disagreeing how can
we own be responsible and accountable for our own behaviors how
can we understand our own communication styles as well as our
partners and how can we work towards resolving conflict in
(19:36):
a mutually beneficial collaborative safe and
secure container that we call our relationship
i know this is a big topic these are
just some basic skills hopefully this
is a starting for you guys to jump off of and putting
together this content into kind of a workbook
strategy so if you're interested in that dm me i'll let you know
(19:56):
when it'll be available there are lots of supports out there for conflict discussions
not only professional help like counselors and therapists mediators but also
books other podcasts youtube videos so i encourage you to practice some some
of the skills I've given you here.
But don't stop there. Continue to explore to make your discussions the best
(20:19):
they can be because your relationship is worth it. And you're worth it.
Thanks so much for joining us. We're really glad you're here with us on this journey.
The best way to support this podcast is to subscribe and give it a five star
review. See you next time.
Music.
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