Episode Transcript
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That just understanding your way of communicating can grow, you know,
your self-awareness, your interpersonal skills and effectiveness,
you know, in your relationships, of course, conflict resolution skills,
professional growth, collaboration, emotional intelligence, leadership, etc.
Welcome to the Relationship Psychologist Podcast.
Tune in every Thursday to learn with us as we interview experts.
And laugh with us as we banter about friendship.
(00:22):
And take action by implementing the tools and advice we provide to you each
week to level up your personal relationships.
I'm Dana Mullen. And I'm Alicia Hinger. We are soul sisters,
besties, and psychologists on a mission to change the culture of relationships.
Your journey to becoming more supported and connected starts right now.
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Okay, welcome to our second podcast on our mini-series on communication.
So today I want to just give you some hopefully playful, fun ways to assess
your individual communication style. This is not meant to be diagnostic.
This is meant to be a playful way to understand how you communicate,
how you express yourself and how you interact with others in different and various,
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situations. Because of course, the goal of this mini series is to help you communicate
better, more skillfully, etc.
And so I think understanding your own way of communicating creates a good self-awareness.
And as you know, I'm a fan of understanding and knowing who we are and how we,
function and show up in the world.
It allows you to recognize kind of your preferred methods or your default methods
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of expressing your own thoughts, emotions, perceptions, awareness, values, et cetera.
And kind of when you use different styles of communication, maybe and with who.
It also helps you understand, you know, maybe how effective your communication
style is and maybe when to tailor your approach to different situations.
I'm hoping that understanding Understanding your communication style will also
help you in conflict resolution and identifying whether a certain style may
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escalate conflict or move you towards a productive or peaceful or assertive resolution.
I always think understanding yourself will help you understand then others,
which will grow perspective, more empathetic way of understanding and listening
to others way of communicating.
So this idea of emotional intelligence. intelligence and then
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of course it's not only useful for your personal
relationships but of course your work professional relationships as well working
in a team setting being able to collaborate effectively understanding the diverse
ways that others communicate and approach maybe conflict or interpersonal stress
and then growing your own leadership style growing your own.
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Communication style and building trust and inspiring others maybe to
do the same so i'm proposing in this podcast that
just understanding your way of communicating can grow you know
your self-awareness your interpersonal skills and effectiveness you know
in your relationships of course conflict resolution skills professional growth
collaboration emotional intelligence leadership etc so i hope you take these
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these outlines that i have today and i've honestly created some kind of nonsense
way of describing these because i want this to be playful fearful and not pathological.
I want you to look at these and go, huh, when do I communicate like this and when is it effective?
And when do I communicate like this and it's not effective? And so when am I
kind of, you know, I call my assertive style the confident communicator, for example.
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So when do I communicate confidently and when is that useful?
When am I a peaceful peacemaker in my communication style? When am I more aggressive,
like a dynamic dominator?
When am I passive aggressive, the sneaky snarkster, which I'm not sure is ever
useful, but maybe you can find a way for it. One of my more analytical,
which I would call the logical legend.
And one of my more empathetic and collaboration focus, which I would call the
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understanding unicorn.
Okay, let's break down these styles so you can kind of understand them first.
And then I'll give you some questions at the end to ask yourself to kind of
just deepen your knowledge of when you use these different styles.
What are more your default styles, I guess, too. And then how do you adapt and change and grow?
Okay, so the assertive communicator sounds like just what it is.
These individuals, when you communicate this way, it's a confident,
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direct, and respectful way of communicating.
These individuals express their thoughts and their feelings and their needs
clearly, but they also consider the perspectives, the feelings,
the needs, the thoughts of others in the room.
These individuals, these sort of communicators, will strive for a win-win outcome,
and they are open and honest in their communication style and in their words.
They don't resort to passive-aggressive language or aggressive language,
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but they're instead honest and forthright when stating their views and their perspectives.
The assertive communicator is an active listener. They show interest.
They're able to acknowledge the speaker's point of view, kind of what we did
in the mirror exercise. That'd be an example of the beginning stage of an assertive communicator.
They're able to acknowledge that there's thoughts, that there's feelings,
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that there's point of view.
They're able to give empathy, to display and and communicate empathy,
they also have boundaries and
respect for themselves and for others in a communication, in a dialogue.
So if we use the kind of neutral ground of a, you know, a work environment and
a sort of communicator in like team meeting or work meeting,
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for example, would express their opinion, they would listen to the opinions and the ideas of others,
and they will be able to articulate a clear understanding of the room of others' perspectives, but also,
while acknowledging others' viewpoints, they could assert their own perspective
with confidence and clarity.
So they're open to the feedback from others but they're also clear about their opinions.
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And ideas and are able to articulate this well so
assertive communication can come in handy much of the time okay the passive
communicator just sounds like what it is these individuals tend to prioritize
the needs of others the desires of others over their own so they self-abandon
in their communication so they'll suppress their own thoughts their own feelings
their own perspectives their own ideas even,
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at the expense of self to lean towards the group, a group think.
They don't often express because they have difficulty expressing their opinions
or asserting their boundaries.
They're submissive, they're avoidant, they will avoid confrontation,
they will avoid conflict, and therefore they often prioritize the needs of others
and the ideas of others or perspectives of others over their own.
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Even their body language, when you're in a passive communication style with
self or others, body style looks non-assertive.
So you'll see things like slouching, eye contact looking down,
physically withdrawn, like a lack of energy in your body or in the conversation, slouching possibly.
Just imagine someone with their arms crossed looking down, maybe even legs crossed,
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feet crossed, kind of a closed off body style.
These individuals also allow others to infringe on their personal space.
They don't take up much space in the room and they allow others to use up their space.
So if the room is crowded, they will get smaller and give space to somebody
else beside them, for example.
They show little confidence, if any at all. They lack self-confidence.
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They find it difficult to express any type of disagreement.
And they're reluctant to ask for support or seek help. So they often end up feeling isolated.
Or at times, if I've been passive, I end up feeling sometimes resentment.
So for me, if I'm ever feeling a space of like being passive,
being passive in my communication or passive in life, I notice my inner resentment,
that part of me that feels resentful, that part of me shows up.
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So in a group discussion this individual will be
quieter possibly even just silent or avoid
contributing to the conversation at all or they if
they do they often will nod and smile and agree with the majority opinion even
if they hold different points of views and don't agree with what's happening
in the room they'll be reluctant to say their point of view or assert their
opinions at all their goal is to maintain harmony at all costs so can you think
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of a time when it might be be useful to be a more passive communicator.
Okay, aggressive, the opposite of passive, aggressive communicators.
Another way to maybe playfully do this is, you know, as I was writing these out for this podcast,
I was kind of giggling to myself thinking of, you know, certain politicians
that might fit these categories or certain media personalities, for example.
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So that might be another fun way to assess or understand these different communication styles.
So the aggressive a communicator is dominant. They tend to dominate the conversations.
They disregard the feelings, the needs, the perspectives, the opinions of others around them.
They have a strong desire to win the conversation, to win the argument,
and they will use things like intimidation, criticism, even personal attacks
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to assert themselves in the conversation.
When you're with someone who's aggressive in their communication style,
it feels like a hostile environment, and it doesn't occur to them,
or they might not even care if they're damaging relationships in their discussion.
They use things like belittling language or hostile language to assert their dominance.
They raise their voice. They use sarcasm, maybe even threats to overpower the conversation.
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Their body language appears intimidating, so they puff up. So where the passive
person shrinks down and takes up less space, they take up more space than when
they kind of appear puffy or bigger in the room.
Even their face appears aggressive or angry these facial expressions just show anger or,
disgust or contempt and they're unaware
or maybe aware that they are pushing into someone else's space or someone else's
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boundary they're not they don't care about other people's boundaries and they
will assert themselves into other people's spaces or boundaries sometimes on
purpose they use language that is blaming or critical they may take the character
of others in the the room to undermine others in the room, to assert themselves.
They show little regard for the feelings or perspectives of others and will
prioritize their own needs over the others.
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They will use things like manipulation, guilt. They'll impose their will without
any consideration of how this might affect others in the room,
which would be called lack of empathy.
So these are not empathetic individuals. They are impatient.
They often interrupt. And even in extreme cases, they pose violence using words
of violence or even threats.
So during a disagreement, let's say again at work, this person will become loud,
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they'll raise their voice, they use harsh language,
they dismiss or argue the other points of views in the room are unimportant,
or we use belittling or sarcasm to attack other points of view.
They kind of do whatever they can do to control the conversation in their favor.
Sound familiar to anybody? I don't know, not saying any names here, but just being curious.
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And when might it be useful, if ever, to be aggressive in your communication style?
Okay, our passive-aggressive individuals. This one's actually...
One of the most annoying because it creates confusions. When you're with someone
that's in a passive-aggressive communication style, you're going to feel it in your body.
You're going to feel confused, misunderstood.
Even the whole conversation, you're going to leave there feeling like,
I don't think we resolved anything. I actually feel worse than when it started.
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These individuals communicate indirectly.
They use words that are showing dissatisfaction. They often disagree with the
conversation, but don't give any clear indication as to why or how to resolve it.
They use sarcasm. They use insults. Sometimes they're subtle insults, even humor.
This is when people use humor that's not funny to convey their frustrations they
don't openly disagree and be honest they're dishonest but
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they use things like humor to cover it up so it's that humor that feels
like i'm not laughing with you i'm laughing at you it's humor that you
kind of leave being like that didn't feel very funny and again because these
communication styles create confusion and feelings of not resolving anything
it leads to a mound of unresolved conflicts or topics that never got dealt with
and so often in relationships these conversations come back over over and over and over again.
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Passive-aggressive communicators complain a lot. They seek sympathy from others.
They're inconsistent and lead to confusion. So again, you feel confused when
talking with people that are in this, or maybe you feel confused when you're
using passive-aggressive communication styles.
They will say things like, in my office, the words, you know,
the word sure or fine or like swear words in my office.
People that say sure, you know, when their eyebrows go up or they say, how are you? Fine.
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With that word that you could tell behind that is something else.
Those words, you know, my office are like, fuck you words, but they'll say things
like that. So so they'll comply.
Their words say, I'm complying. Do you want to do this thing? Sure.
How are you feeling? Fine. How is it? It's fine.
They're giving words that say that they're agreeing or complying with the situation,
but actually behind that agreement is a disagreement, a resistance,
but they're not forthright.
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They don't come out and just say what they're really thinking.
They use passive aggressive language.
So this is one of the ones that is probably the most frustrating for me when
I deal with someone that's passive aggressive.
My body feels disorganized. it feels disrupted, it feels uneasy.
I can't think of when it'd be appropriate to be passive-aggressive unless maybe
you're a comedian, turn this into humor somehow, but this is a hard one for me to think.
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So if you have a good idea of when this would be a useful communication style,
please let me know. I'll be very curious. Okay, our analytical ones.
Analytical communicators rely on
logic, facts, and details to convey their thoughts, to convey their ideas.
These individuals like a well-structured and organized discussion.
They like things to be clear and concise. precise they value accuracy they value
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precision the default of these guys is they often overlook.
Emotions or the emotional parts of the conversation so they will always favor
an objective analysis or facts and data over the emotions they might not even
consider emotions at all actually if you're being really analytical their arguments
are well thought out so they consider their arguments and decisions carefully
and they're driven by a need to understand fully they choose use their words meticulously,
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and they ensure that clarity and coherence and attention to detail are an important
part of their conversation.
So these people have really good, well-laid, thought-out plans, ideas.
They've done their research. They rely on data. They rely on information.
And they're able to present their ideas,
their opinions, their perspective in a really well-thought-out, carefully
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analyzed well-planned organized thoughtful
manner these individuals are actually often good
critical thinkers as well as communicators so they will look at all perspectives
they are curious actually so they like to ask questions and understand other
points of view and then we'll spend time researching other points of view because
they like to understand the whole picture which is why they're good communicators
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and they're good critical thinkers they're solution Solution-oriented.
They like clear, practical solutions. And when there's not a clear solution,
they will continue to ask questions to understand and deepen their understanding
of certain topics to come to that clear, concise, organized idea.
So you can imagine if you're in an empathetic or emotional space,
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having a discussion with someone that's very analytical can feel very dismissive,
but that is not their intent.
They are just simply focused on logic, facts, and details and not concerned
with the emotions for the purposes of this discussion. So, again,
when might that be useful and when might it be really not useful?
And then lastly, our empathetic or collaborative communicators,
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which sounds very similar to our assertive communicators, but they're a little bit different.
Our empathetic collaborative communicators really focus on the relationship first, most of the time.
They focus on understanding the other's emotions, other's thoughts,
and other's perspectives.
They will actively listen. him. So we actually practice this in our last podcast
with the mirroring exercise to show a genuine care and concern to fully understand
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and listen to those points of view and then to validate your person or the other
person's perspectives or feelings.
Empathetic communicators strive to create a safe and supportive environment
with open dialogue, open discussion.
Vulnerability is safe here. They're collaborative. They prioritize teamwork and cooperation.
They want individuals to feel open to participate, and they value consensus building.
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So understanding perspectives, win-win ideas, multiple points of view.
They look for solutions that are mutually beneficial and are open to all perspectives to create that.
Again, the aim in these conversations is to create and maintain positive relationships.
So a communicator like this might actively listen at the staff meeting to their
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colleagues to encourage open dialogue, to acknowledge the diversity in the room.
And the diversity within the group, to express empathy and understanding of
the diversity and the different points of view of team members,
for example, and then work to find a common ground of communication,
connection, understanding the differences, while fostering like a supportive
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and inclusive environment, working together to find a common solution.
Again, that's mutually beneficial, if possible. And so again,
you can see where this might be a really useful way to communicate,
and maybe where it won't be.
Maybe when you need to be a bit more assertive, or maybe you would need to be
a bit more empathetic and collaborative.
So some questions you might want to ask yourself, I've created a couple of questions
here just to kind of get the ball rolling and thinking about when you show up
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in these different communication styles and why, for example,
and maybe what your default modes kind of look like.
So here's some questions you can kind of ask yourself to kind of start thinking
about these different ways that you communicate.
So how do I typically express my thoughts and my opinions?
Am I more direct and assertive? Or do I tend to be more passive in my communication styles?
Or when am I more passive? When am I more assertive? When When am I more comfortable
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being honest, looking for the win-win?
And when am I more comfortable being avoidant and defaulting to the group?
How do I handle conflict or disagreement?
Do I assert myself confidently or do I avoid confrontation altogether?
And again, when do I do these things?
How do I listen to others? This was a good one we worked on in our last podcast.
How good am I at listening? Actually at listening.
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Am I attentive? Am I open-minded? Do I tend to interrupt or dismiss what others are saying?
Or my rebuttaling in my head before they're finished their discussion and I
actually didn't listen to what they said at all.
How do I handle feedback or criticism?
Do I like it? Do I dislike it? Do I find it useful? Am I even open to receiving
constructive criticism or feedback? Do I become defensive?
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How do I adapt my communication to different people or situations?
Am I adaptable? Am I flexible? Do I adjust my style as I need to?
Or am I more inclined of a tendency to communicate in the same way regardless
of the context, regardless of the situation that I'm in?
Am I more rigid in my communication style? How often do I consider the emotions
and perspectives of others when communicating?
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Am I empathetic? Am I understanding?
Or do I focus mainly on my own thoughts, my needs, my perspectives, my values in the moment?
When am I open when am I not open for example and lastly
how do I handle misunderstandings how do I
handle miscommunications am I patient do
I clarify am I willing to clarify do I
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get frustrated do I shut down do I avoid do
I get angry how do I handle misunderstandings and
miscommunications because we know those have to happen often and
then again here's my little playful non-diagnostic categories
am I more the assertive type the confident communicator
am i more the passive type the peaceful peacemaker
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am i more the aggressive type the dynamic
dominator am i more the passive aggressive
the sneaky snarkster am i more the analytical the logical legend or am i more
the empathetic and collaborative teamwork focused the understanding unicorn
which one do you tend to default to most often are you adaptable can you change
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communication styles depending on the situation that people the group that you're talking to.
When and if do you get rigid in your communication styles? When and if do you become more adaptable?
As you're assessing this playfully, I'll say that again, playfully,
remember this is about becoming effective in your communication styles.
It's not about being rigid or, you know, diagnosing yourself that you land in
any one category, but more about finding a healthy balance and adopting a communication
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style that works for you based on the situation that you're in and the needs of others around you.
Okay, hopefully this was helpful, and I'll see you next time.
Thanks so much for joining us. We're really glad you're here with us on this journey.
The best way to support this podcast is to subscribe and give it a five.
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Music.