February 18, 2024 • 14 mins
If you enjoyed this episode, it would mean the world to me if you would rate and write a review. Every review helps me to reach more people.
This episode dives deep into perfectionism. Dr. Little shares how perfectionism can unknowingly be hindering your daily life.
Dr. Little discusses how perfectionism could manifest in procrastination habits, compulsive or repetitive behaviors, or living a life that feels confining or small.
Dr. Little shares strategies to overcome or challenge these perfectionistic beliefs. She also shares how redefining "mistakes" and "failure" as truly the very experiences you need to build a meaningful and satisfying life.
This episode is a must if you've ever felt stuck or caught in an endless cycle of "not good enough."
Want to find more ways to reduce stress, anxiety and perfectionism?
Get my free guide: “Five Steps to Finding Calm in the Chaos”
Join my tribe at www.laurielittle.com OR Inner Healing Intelligence Private Facebook Group to connect, ask questions or suggest topics.
Music: https://www.purple-planet.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to Inner Healing Intelligence. This is Dr. Lori Little.
Today we're going to be talking all about perfectionism.
Perfectionism can show up in so many different ways in our lives that we might not even be aware of.
I have many patients who look at their lives and when I suggest to them that
(00:23):
their perfectionism is actually what's getting in their way,
they say, how can you possibly say I am a perfectionist?
Look at my life. It is a total mess.
And when we really do a deep dive into exploring this issue,
many people are able to see that their lives feel like a mess exactly because
(00:46):
of this underlying unexplored beliefs about perfectionism.
So let's take a look at this today. Stay tuned.
Welcome, everyone. My name is Dr. Lori Little, and I'm a clinical psychologist,
mindfulness coach, psychedelic therapist, wife, and mom.
(01:08):
My passion is helping people learn to listen to and trust their inner healing
intelligence, that part of us that is always moving towards health and growth.
Ultimately, when we allow our inner healing intelligence to be our guide,
we can stop looking outside of ourselves for answers.
(01:29):
We can experience more joy, more peace, and more connection with others than
we may have ever thought possible.
Although it may sound simple, it is by no means easy.
Join me as we discuss the many challenges and opportunities that listening to
your inner healing intelligence can bring to your life.
(01:55):
Today, we're talking all about the dreaded P word or perfectionism.
Perfectionism, as I think about it, is the underlying belief that we cannot make a mistake.
Mistakes are bad and that we must avoid them at all costs.
Perfectionism is related to all or nothing or black and white thinking.
(02:20):
There's no good enough or middle ground. It's either I have succeeded or I have
failed, and I must succeed at all times.
There are so many ways in in which underlying or unaddressed perfectionism can show up in our lives.
I think of perfectionism like this snake that is sneaky and creeping around
(02:45):
and it's ready to strike you when you least expect it.
So today we're going to talk about several ways that perfectionism could be
showing up in your life where you're not even aware of it.
The first is with procrastination.
Do you routinely put off doing things in your life and wait until the very last
(03:07):
minute to get things done?
Do you notice that you need the pressure of a deadline to get you motivated
enough to complete a task?
Ask yourself if this could possibly be related to the underlying thought that
your task needs to be done perfectly or at the very least, exceptionally well.
(03:30):
When we put that kind of pressure on ourselves to do a task perfectly instead
of just good enough, the task actually becomes much larger in our mind than it needs to be.
So by lowering that bar a little bit, by telling ourselves first, first.
(03:51):
This doesn't need to be perfect. It just needs to be good enough.
It lowers the anxiety or lowers that pressure and allows us to move forward.
I tell my patients about the idea of the messy start.
The messy start means just start now.
(04:14):
It's going to be ugly. It's going to be be messy. It will be awful.
But at least it's a start. And a messy start is better than no start at all.
I personally used this messy start concept when I started my podcast a couple of months ago.
(04:35):
I found that at first I was doing all of this research on the best microphones
and the best software, the best topics, the best show notes.
And really, when it came down to it, my perfectionism was truly getting in the
way of me just starting the show.
I truly could have spent years researching and practicing and then never launch a single episode.
(05:03):
Because when you really think about it, there is no such thing as a perfect podcast.
And it's certainly not going to be mine, nor does it have to be.
It just has to be good enough.
And actually, not even that. Really, my goal for podcasting is that I personally
(05:26):
just enjoy the process and maybe it helps one person.
I mean, truly, I had to lower, lower, lower that bar to focusing on, am I enjoying this?
And maybe, hopefully, one person will have learned something or benefited from it.
(05:47):
So embracing that messy start for me was absolutely crucial in getting over
my perfectionism and helping me to stop procrastinating and just get to it.
The second way perfectionism or perfectionistic thinking might be showing up
(06:08):
in your life is through compulsive or repetitive behaviors.
So for those of you in the field, you might hear the word compulsive and think
about OCD or obsessive compulsive disorder.
I'm not going to go into a detailed explanation of OCD, But people with OCD
(06:29):
often have perfectionistic tendencies.
However, you can be a perfectionist and not have OCD.
But just notice, if you ever feel like you need to keep repeating a certain
behavior over and over until it is perfect.
For example, when you are writing
(06:49):
an essay in school, or even now as maybe you're composing an email?
Do you review it over and over and check for mistakes?
Do you write it and rewrite it to make it sound just exactly the way that you want it to?
Even silly emails, you know, not important business emails.
(07:12):
Do you take an excessive amount of time preparing for a project and working
on that project for a long period of time and never feel like it's ready to
be launched or done because you feel like there's always more ways that you could improve it.
These are all signs that perfectionistic thinking is getting in the way of you
(07:38):
just engaging in the behavior and moving forward,
just doing it once, writing the email,
sending it off, not reviewing, not checking,
not compulsively doing it over and over and over to do it perfectly,
just practicing letting it go and having the behavior be good enough.
(08:02):
Another way perfectionism might show up for you is if you feel like your life is really small.
What do I mean by that? Do you feel like you have a lot of limits in your life?
Do you feel like you have very few friends or few or even no hobbies?
(08:22):
Do you avoid learning or trying new things?
Many people share with me that they feel like they're just sort of moving through
life without joy or meaning or engagement, and they really feel stuck.
Feelings of stuckness can often be a result of the fears of trying something
(08:49):
new, of putting yourself out there and engaging in the world.
If you have a belief for example that you
can't start a new hobby because you won't be any good
at it that is a red flag the
point of a hobby is to enjoy it not
to be good at it so when you start anything new of course you're going to be
(09:11):
bad at it you've never done it before to start having more fulfillment in your
life you have to get comfortable with being bad at things and inexperienced
and not knowing what the hell you're doing.
You have to tolerate that anxiety of putting yourself out there.
To make new friends, you have to be open to the idea that people might reject you or criticize you.
(09:38):
And of course, that is so scary and it's so hard.
But truly, when you can start to take small steps towards trying new things
and reducing that belief that you have to do it all perfectly,
you're going to be able to build a life of more engagement and fulfillment,
(10:02):
and those actions will get less scary over time.
Lastly, it is so important to change the way we think about mistakes.
I believe, and I tell myself often, that there really is no such thing as a mistake. take.
There are only learning and growth opportunities.
(10:25):
When I think about mistakes that I've made in my life,
they have actually been the most important and valuable experiences that I've
had in terms of helping me learn and grow and change.
People don't grow and learn from our successes.
We grow and learn from our mistakes. So if you have a value,
(10:51):
if one of your values is growing and learning, then you're going to have to
start reframing how you think about mistakes.
When you can learn that mistakes are necessary, even really think of mistakes
as opportunities, you'll start to feel more comfortable with trying new things.
(11:12):
I also have a fundamental belief that all things happen the way that they are supposed to.
And this is really, I would say, more of a spiritual belief.
I believe that the universe gives us exactly what we need, whether we know it or we like it.
(11:34):
And so whenever I have experienced a failure in my life, I have to work very
hard to give myself permission to feel disappointed or angry or sad,
to really feel the grief of that experience,
and to continuously remind myself that this, quote, failure is exactly what
(11:58):
the universe gave me so that I could expand and I could grow out of it.
I really do believe that and also need reminding at times.
So if you're at a moment in your life where you feel like you've recently made
mistakes or have failures, I would encourage you to explore what that might look like.
(12:24):
If you could start to embrace the idea that this is exactly what you need right
now, this This is your opportunity to learn, to grow, to shift,
to pivot, to try something different and new, which is exactly what you need.
Reminding myself of this helps me when I have anticipatory anxiety about doing
(12:50):
something new or making a major change in my life.
When I remind myself that it's okay to fail, it's okay to make mistakes,
and in fact, it will actually benefit me to make mistakes.
It really helps to reduce my anxiety and give me the confidence that I need
(13:11):
to take that risk and embark on a new adventure.
I hope this episode has been helpful for you.
I'd love to hear from you. How does perfectionism show up in your life? Do you procrastinate?
Do you live a small life, so to speak?
(13:31):
Do your perfectionistic thoughts keep you from really living a full and vibrant life?
To connect with me and my tribe, join me in my private Facebook group,
Inner Healing Intelligence.
I hope for your sake that you make a lot of mistakes today, and I will see you in the next episode.
(13:53):
Thank you so much for joining me today. If you'd like to learn more,
you can reach me at laurielittle.com, where I share additional free resources
and lots of information.
If you enjoyed this episode, it would mean so much to me if you could write
a review and share it with.
Music.
Welcome back to Inner Healing Intelligence. This is Dr. Lori Little.
Today we're going to be talking all about perfectionism.
Perfectionism can show up in so many different ways in our lives that we might not even be aware of.
I have many patients who look at their lives and when I suggest to them that
(00:23):
their perfectionism is actually what's getting in their way,
they say, how can you possibly say I am a perfectionist?
Look at my life. It is a total mess.
And when we really do a deep dive into exploring this issue,
many people are able to see that their lives feel like a mess exactly because
(00:46):
of this underlying unexplored beliefs about perfectionism.
So let's take a look at this today. Stay tuned.
Welcome, everyone. My name is Dr. Lori Little, and I'm a clinical psychologist,
mindfulness coach, psychedelic therapist, wife, and mom.
(01:08):
My passion is helping people learn to listen to and trust their inner healing
intelligence, that part of us that is always moving towards health and growth.
Ultimately, when we allow our inner healing intelligence to be our guide,
we can stop looking outside of ourselves for answers.
(01:29):
We can experience more joy, more peace, and more connection with others than
we may have ever thought possible.
Although it may sound simple, it is by no means easy.
Join me as we discuss the many challenges and opportunities that listening to
your inner healing intelligence can bring to your life.
(01:55):
Today, we're talking all about the dreaded P word or perfectionism.
Perfectionism, as I think about it, is the underlying belief that we cannot make a mistake.
Mistakes are bad and that we must avoid them at all costs.
Perfectionism is related to all or nothing or black and white thinking.
(02:20):
There's no good enough or middle ground. It's either I have succeeded or I have
failed, and I must succeed at all times.
There are so many ways in in which underlying or unaddressed perfectionism can show up in our lives.
I think of perfectionism like this snake that is sneaky and creeping around
(02:45):
and it's ready to strike you when you least expect it.
So today we're going to talk about several ways that perfectionism could be
showing up in your life where you're not even aware of it.
The first is with procrastination.
Do you routinely put off doing things in your life and wait until the very last
(03:07):
minute to get things done?
Do you notice that you need the pressure of a deadline to get you motivated
enough to complete a task?
Ask yourself if this could possibly be related to the underlying thought that
your task needs to be done perfectly or at the very least, exceptionally well.
(03:30):
When we put that kind of pressure on ourselves to do a task perfectly instead
of just good enough, the task actually becomes much larger in our mind than it needs to be.
So by lowering that bar a little bit, by telling ourselves first, first.
(03:51):
This doesn't need to be perfect. It just needs to be good enough.
It lowers the anxiety or lowers that pressure and allows us to move forward.
I tell my patients about the idea of the messy start.
The messy start means just start now.
(04:14):
It's going to be ugly. It's going to be be messy. It will be awful.
But at least it's a start. And a messy start is better than no start at all.
I personally used this messy start concept when I started my podcast a couple of months ago.
(04:35):
I found that at first I was doing all of this research on the best microphones
and the best software, the best topics, the best show notes.
And really, when it came down to it, my perfectionism was truly getting in the
way of me just starting the show.
I truly could have spent years researching and practicing and then never launch a single episode.
(05:03):
Because when you really think about it, there is no such thing as a perfect podcast.
And it's certainly not going to be mine, nor does it have to be.
It just has to be good enough.
And actually, not even that. Really, my goal for podcasting is that I personally
(05:26):
just enjoy the process and maybe it helps one person.
I mean, truly, I had to lower, lower, lower that bar to focusing on, am I enjoying this?
And maybe, hopefully, one person will have learned something or benefited from it.
(05:47):
So embracing that messy start for me was absolutely crucial in getting over
my perfectionism and helping me to stop procrastinating and just get to it.
The second way perfectionism or perfectionistic thinking might be showing up
(06:08):
in your life is through compulsive or repetitive behaviors.
So for those of you in the field, you might hear the word compulsive and think
about OCD or obsessive compulsive disorder.
I'm not going to go into a detailed explanation of OCD, But people with OCD
(06:29):
often have perfectionistic tendencies.
However, you can be a perfectionist and not have OCD.
But just notice, if you ever feel like you need to keep repeating a certain
behavior over and over until it is perfect.
For example, when you are writing
(06:49):
an essay in school, or even now as maybe you're composing an email?
Do you review it over and over and check for mistakes?
Do you write it and rewrite it to make it sound just exactly the way that you want it to?
Even silly emails, you know, not important business emails.
(07:12):
Do you take an excessive amount of time preparing for a project and working
on that project for a long period of time and never feel like it's ready to
be launched or done because you feel like there's always more ways that you could improve it.
These are all signs that perfectionistic thinking is getting in the way of you
(07:38):
just engaging in the behavior and moving forward,
just doing it once, writing the email,
sending it off, not reviewing, not checking,
not compulsively doing it over and over and over to do it perfectly,
just practicing letting it go and having the behavior be good enough.
(08:02):
Another way perfectionism might show up for you is if you feel like your life is really small.
What do I mean by that? Do you feel like you have a lot of limits in your life?
Do you feel like you have very few friends or few or even no hobbies?
(08:22):
Do you avoid learning or trying new things?
Many people share with me that they feel like they're just sort of moving through
life without joy or meaning or engagement, and they really feel stuck.
Feelings of stuckness can often be a result of the fears of trying something
(08:49):
new, of putting yourself out there and engaging in the world.
If you have a belief for example that you
can't start a new hobby because you won't be any good
at it that is a red flag the
point of a hobby is to enjoy it not
to be good at it so when you start anything new of course you're going to be
(09:11):
bad at it you've never done it before to start having more fulfillment in your
life you have to get comfortable with being bad at things and inexperienced
and not knowing what the hell you're doing.
You have to tolerate that anxiety of putting yourself out there.
To make new friends, you have to be open to the idea that people might reject you or criticize you.
(09:38):
And of course, that is so scary and it's so hard.
But truly, when you can start to take small steps towards trying new things
and reducing that belief that you have to do it all perfectly,
you're going to be able to build a life of more engagement and fulfillment,
(10:02):
and those actions will get less scary over time.
Lastly, it is so important to change the way we think about mistakes.
I believe, and I tell myself often, that there really is no such thing as a mistake. take.
There are only learning and growth opportunities.
(10:25):
When I think about mistakes that I've made in my life,
they have actually been the most important and valuable experiences that I've
had in terms of helping me learn and grow and change.
People don't grow and learn from our successes.
We grow and learn from our mistakes. So if you have a value,
(10:51):
if one of your values is growing and learning, then you're going to have to
start reframing how you think about mistakes.
When you can learn that mistakes are necessary, even really think of mistakes
as opportunities, you'll start to feel more comfortable with trying new things.
(11:12):
I also have a fundamental belief that all things happen the way that they are supposed to.
And this is really, I would say, more of a spiritual belief.
I believe that the universe gives us exactly what we need, whether we know it or we like it.
(11:34):
And so whenever I have experienced a failure in my life, I have to work very
hard to give myself permission to feel disappointed or angry or sad,
to really feel the grief of that experience,
and to continuously remind myself that this, quote, failure is exactly what
(11:58):
the universe gave me so that I could expand and I could grow out of it.
I really do believe that and also need reminding at times.
So if you're at a moment in your life where you feel like you've recently made
mistakes or have failures, I would encourage you to explore what that might look like.
(12:24):
If you could start to embrace the idea that this is exactly what you need right
now, this This is your opportunity to learn, to grow, to shift,
to pivot, to try something different and new, which is exactly what you need.
Reminding myself of this helps me when I have anticipatory anxiety about doing
(12:50):
something new or making a major change in my life.
When I remind myself that it's okay to fail, it's okay to make mistakes,
and in fact, it will actually benefit me to make mistakes.
It really helps to reduce my anxiety and give me the confidence that I need
(13:11):
to take that risk and embark on a new adventure.
I hope this episode has been helpful for you.
I'd love to hear from you. How does perfectionism show up in your life? Do you procrastinate?
Do you live a small life, so to speak?
(13:31):
Do your perfectionistic thoughts keep you from really living a full and vibrant life?
To connect with me and my tribe, join me in my private Facebook group,
Inner Healing Intelligence.
I hope for your sake that you make a lot of mistakes today, and I will see you in the next episode.
(13:53):
Thank you so much for joining me today. If you'd like to learn more,
you can reach me at laurielittle.com, where I share additional free resources
and lots of information.
If you enjoyed this episode, it would mean so much to me if you could write
a review and share it with.
Music.
Popular Podcasts
1. Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
2. Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
3. Crime Junkie
If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people.