February 11, 2024 • 11 mins
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In this episode, Dr. Little takes an in-depth look at the concept of self-esteem. The misconception that self-esteem is primarily about liking oneself or having self-confidence is challenged. Instead, Dr. Little poses a more fundamental view of self-esteem, tied to your personal sense of worthiness.
Dr. Little guides us through the pitfalls of tying our self-worth to achievements and material accomplishments. She reinforces the idea that external success and accolades do not necessarily equate to a healthy sense of self-esteem. Rather, she invites us to recognize that our worth as a human being is inherent, unalterable, and beyond any external recognition.
She suggests practical exercises to remind us of our inherent worthiness - like using mantras and practicing mindful awareness of love in our bodies. Dr. Little also emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, particularly when we face challenges or setbacks, as a critical skill towards enhancing our self-esteem.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to Inner Healing Intelligence. This is Dr. Lori Little.
Today in Episode 17, we're going to talk about self-esteem.
We're going to talk about what self-esteem is, and we're going to talk a little
bit about what self-esteem is not.
There are common ways in which we falsely believe that we're going to improve
(00:23):
our self-esteem, so we'll talk a little bit about what those are.
And most importantly, we'll talk about what you can do instead. So stay tuned.
Welcome, everyone. My name is Dr. Lori Little, and I'm a clinical psychologist,
mindfulness coach, psychedelic therapist, wife, and mom.
(00:47):
My passion is helping people learn to to listen to and trust their inner healing
intelligence, that part of us that is always moving towards health and growth.
Ultimately, when we allow our inner healing intelligence to be our guide,
we can stop looking outside of ourselves for answers.
(01:08):
We can experience more joy, more peace, and more connection with others than
we may have ever thought possible. Although it may sound simple, it is by no means easy.
Join me as we discuss the many challenges and opportunities that listening to
your inner healing intelligence can bring to your life.
(01:33):
How do you define self-esteem? You might think about self-esteem as how much
you like yourself or how good you feel about yourself. self.
You might even consider self-esteem the same as self-confidence.
People have varying definitions of self-esteem, but for today, for our purposes,
(01:58):
I want you to consider self-esteem as your own personal sense of worthiness.
How worthy do I think I am inherently as a human being?
And this is a very nuanced definition because certainly there's overlap between
(02:19):
the things I mentioned before, like self-confidence or how good you feel about yourself.
But the problem with those former definitions is that underneath there's an
implied message that to feel better about yourself or to improve your self-esteem,
you need to engage in certain certain behaviors in order to change how good you are.
(02:45):
You might hear people say, for example, to improve your self-esteem,
write out all of the positive aspects about yourself to remind yourself that you do things well.
Or you might hear, think about all of the successful projects you have have
completed, or even think about how many people like you and care about you.
(03:10):
Doing those things might feel good in the moment, and I'm not suggesting that
you don't do those things,
but I would suggest that they are really not improving your feeling of self-worth
at all, and in some ways they could actually be harming it.
Self-esteem or self-worth at its core is knowing, knowing that you were born worthy,
(03:39):
you are worthy, and you will always be worthy no matter what you do,
no matter what you achieve.
No matter what you have, no matter who loves you, no matter what.
Your worth as a human being is untouchable. It is unbreakable.
(04:01):
So to suggest that you need to look at your good qualities within yourself to
achieve self-esteem is actually really missing the whole thing.
Looking at qualities about yourself is possibly a way to to improve your self-confidence,
but it's not going to improve your self-esteem.
(04:23):
For many of us, myself included, we have looked to the outside world to tell us that we're okay.
Even if we aren't aware of it, we imagine that getting that promotion or that
new title will make us feel better about ourselves.
We imagine that having that new car or that new outfit, or for many of the people
(04:51):
that I work with, we'll say losing that weight is.
They imagine that that will make us love ourselves more.
And so we strive and we strive to achieve and acquire.
And yes, when we achieve those goals, it might feel good in the moment for a
short while, but that feeling always wears off.
(05:15):
And then we're on to the next goal.
All of these these achievements and striving are doing absolutely nothing to
improve our feelings of self-worth.
So what do we do to get in touch with that feeling of self-worth?
The first thing we really need to do is to keep reminding yourself,
(05:39):
because likely you're going to forget, it, that nothing outside of you will
enhance feelings of self-worth.
And to be clear, I am not suggesting that you stop working towards your goals in life.
It is totally okay to want more career success or to have a goal to get healthy.
(06:01):
Those goals and having them are totally okay.
It's just that we first want to make sure we are reminding yourselves that when
we achieve those goals, we will have just done that, achieved the goal.
It will not be a path towards enhancing our self-worth.
(06:22):
The next thing we need to do is to find ways to remind yourself and get in touch
with that inner knowing that we are inherently worthy no matter what. So how can we do that?
As I've talked about in prior episodes, we can use mantras to remind ourselves of this truth.
(06:43):
We can choose a mantra like, I have always been enough and always will be enough.
Or my worth is inherent in just being born.
Having mantras posted where you can see them routinely is crucial.
We can also take the time to sit in silence and try to get in touch with that
(07:09):
feeling of worthiness in our bodies.
If that's really hard for you to do for yourself, I want you to take a moment
in silence and think about someone that you love deeply.
If you're a parent, I would encourage you to think about your child because
this is usually the easiest way to do this.
(07:31):
Think about your child when they were really tiny, when they were just first born.
Think about how much you loved them as you held them and how they were worthy,
are worthy and valuable just for being alive.
Your infant baby didn't have to do anything or achieve anything.
(07:54):
And when they did start doing and achieving, like crawling or walking or eventually
getting good grades, it didn't make you love them anymore.
And you didn't love them any less when your kid made mistakes or when they they messed up.
You love your child no matter what. They were born worthy and always will be worthy.
(08:19):
And the truth is, my friend, you are just the same.
See if you could get in touch with that feeling of unconditional love towards
your child and slowly turn that feeling towards yourself.
Take the time to really embrace how that love feels in your body.
(08:41):
And you might notice a warmth in your body or an energy in your chest or your throat.
Just notice that feeling of love and see if you can bring that loving feeling
inwards towards yourself.
Lastly, notice how how self-compassion is critical to increasing your ability
(09:03):
to feel that sense of worthiness and self-esteem?
When you make a mistake, do you beat yourself up?
Do you put yourself down with thoughts like, oh my god, you're so stupid,
or I can't believe I F'd that up again?
When you notice yourself being very self-critical,
try to practice the pause and ask yourself, what would I say to my friend or
(09:30):
my partner or my child if they did the same thing?
And then I want you to say that to yourself. Self-compassion is the act of being
kind towards yourself at all
times, but it's really especially important when we have made a mistake.
And as you practice more self-compassion, you will more quickly get in touch
(09:55):
with that feeling of love and grace for yourself.
You will come back to the truth of your inherent worth.
You might feel disappointed in the mistake, that's understandable,
but you will slowly begin to recognize that our mistakes do not change our worth
(10:15):
or our value or anything at all about who we are.
I hope this episode has been helpful for you.
If you would like to join my tribe, Please join me in my private Facebook community,
Inner Healing Intelligence, or visit me at laurielittle.com.
I'll see you in the next episode.
(10:38):
Thank you so much for joining me today. If you'd like to learn more,
you can reach me at laurielittle.com, where I share additional free resources
and lots of information.
If you enjoyed this episode, it would mean so much to me if you could write
a review and share it with your friends.
Music.
Welcome back to Inner Healing Intelligence. This is Dr. Lori Little.
Today in Episode 17, we're going to talk about self-esteem.
We're going to talk about what self-esteem is, and we're going to talk a little
bit about what self-esteem is not.
There are common ways in which we falsely believe that we're going to improve
(00:23):
our self-esteem, so we'll talk a little bit about what those are.
And most importantly, we'll talk about what you can do instead. So stay tuned.
Welcome, everyone. My name is Dr. Lori Little, and I'm a clinical psychologist,
mindfulness coach, psychedelic therapist, wife, and mom.
(00:47):
My passion is helping people learn to to listen to and trust their inner healing
intelligence, that part of us that is always moving towards health and growth.
Ultimately, when we allow our inner healing intelligence to be our guide,
we can stop looking outside of ourselves for answers.
(01:08):
We can experience more joy, more peace, and more connection with others than
we may have ever thought possible. Although it may sound simple, it is by no means easy.
Join me as we discuss the many challenges and opportunities that listening to
your inner healing intelligence can bring to your life.
(01:33):
How do you define self-esteem? You might think about self-esteem as how much
you like yourself or how good you feel about yourself. self.
You might even consider self-esteem the same as self-confidence.
People have varying definitions of self-esteem, but for today, for our purposes,
(01:58):
I want you to consider self-esteem as your own personal sense of worthiness.
How worthy do I think I am inherently as a human being?
And this is a very nuanced definition because certainly there's overlap between
(02:19):
the things I mentioned before, like self-confidence or how good you feel about yourself.
But the problem with those former definitions is that underneath there's an
implied message that to feel better about yourself or to improve your self-esteem,
you need to engage in certain certain behaviors in order to change how good you are.
(02:45):
You might hear people say, for example, to improve your self-esteem,
write out all of the positive aspects about yourself to remind yourself that you do things well.
Or you might hear, think about all of the successful projects you have have
completed, or even think about how many people like you and care about you.
(03:10):
Doing those things might feel good in the moment, and I'm not suggesting that
you don't do those things,
but I would suggest that they are really not improving your feeling of self-worth
at all, and in some ways they could actually be harming it.
Self-esteem or self-worth at its core is knowing, knowing that you were born worthy,
(03:39):
you are worthy, and you will always be worthy no matter what you do,
no matter what you achieve.
No matter what you have, no matter who loves you, no matter what.
Your worth as a human being is untouchable. It is unbreakable.
(04:01):
So to suggest that you need to look at your good qualities within yourself to
achieve self-esteem is actually really missing the whole thing.
Looking at qualities about yourself is possibly a way to to improve your self-confidence,
but it's not going to improve your self-esteem.
(04:23):
For many of us, myself included, we have looked to the outside world to tell us that we're okay.
Even if we aren't aware of it, we imagine that getting that promotion or that
new title will make us feel better about ourselves.
We imagine that having that new car or that new outfit, or for many of the people
(04:51):
that I work with, we'll say losing that weight is.
They imagine that that will make us love ourselves more.
And so we strive and we strive to achieve and acquire.
And yes, when we achieve those goals, it might feel good in the moment for a
short while, but that feeling always wears off.
(05:15):
And then we're on to the next goal.
All of these these achievements and striving are doing absolutely nothing to
improve our feelings of self-worth.
So what do we do to get in touch with that feeling of self-worth?
The first thing we really need to do is to keep reminding yourself,
(05:39):
because likely you're going to forget, it, that nothing outside of you will
enhance feelings of self-worth.
And to be clear, I am not suggesting that you stop working towards your goals in life.
It is totally okay to want more career success or to have a goal to get healthy.
(06:01):
Those goals and having them are totally okay.
It's just that we first want to make sure we are reminding yourselves that when
we achieve those goals, we will have just done that, achieved the goal.
It will not be a path towards enhancing our self-worth.
(06:22):
The next thing we need to do is to find ways to remind yourself and get in touch
with that inner knowing that we are inherently worthy no matter what. So how can we do that?
As I've talked about in prior episodes, we can use mantras to remind ourselves of this truth.
(06:43):
We can choose a mantra like, I have always been enough and always will be enough.
Or my worth is inherent in just being born.
Having mantras posted where you can see them routinely is crucial.
We can also take the time to sit in silence and try to get in touch with that
(07:09):
feeling of worthiness in our bodies.
If that's really hard for you to do for yourself, I want you to take a moment
in silence and think about someone that you love deeply.
If you're a parent, I would encourage you to think about your child because
this is usually the easiest way to do this.
(07:31):
Think about your child when they were really tiny, when they were just first born.
Think about how much you loved them as you held them and how they were worthy,
are worthy and valuable just for being alive.
Your infant baby didn't have to do anything or achieve anything.
(07:54):
And when they did start doing and achieving, like crawling or walking or eventually
getting good grades, it didn't make you love them anymore.
And you didn't love them any less when your kid made mistakes or when they they messed up.
You love your child no matter what. They were born worthy and always will be worthy.
(08:19):
And the truth is, my friend, you are just the same.
See if you could get in touch with that feeling of unconditional love towards
your child and slowly turn that feeling towards yourself.
Take the time to really embrace how that love feels in your body.
(08:41):
And you might notice a warmth in your body or an energy in your chest or your throat.
Just notice that feeling of love and see if you can bring that loving feeling
inwards towards yourself.
Lastly, notice how how self-compassion is critical to increasing your ability
(09:03):
to feel that sense of worthiness and self-esteem?
When you make a mistake, do you beat yourself up?
Do you put yourself down with thoughts like, oh my god, you're so stupid,
or I can't believe I F'd that up again?
When you notice yourself being very self-critical,
try to practice the pause and ask yourself, what would I say to my friend or
(09:30):
my partner or my child if they did the same thing?
And then I want you to say that to yourself. Self-compassion is the act of being
kind towards yourself at all
times, but it's really especially important when we have made a mistake.
And as you practice more self-compassion, you will more quickly get in touch
(09:55):
with that feeling of love and grace for yourself.
You will come back to the truth of your inherent worth.
You might feel disappointed in the mistake, that's understandable,
but you will slowly begin to recognize that our mistakes do not change our worth
(10:15):
or our value or anything at all about who we are.
I hope this episode has been helpful for you.
If you would like to join my tribe, Please join me in my private Facebook community,
Inner Healing Intelligence, or visit me at laurielittle.com.
I'll see you in the next episode.
(10:38):
Thank you so much for joining me today. If you'd like to learn more,
you can reach me at laurielittle.com, where I share additional free resources
and lots of information.
If you enjoyed this episode, it would mean so much to me if you could write
a review and share it with your friends.
Music.
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